Law & Order

Law & Order (1990–2010) is a long-running police procedural and courtroom drama television series, created by Dick Wolf.

1 Opening
2 Season 1
- 2.1 Prescription for Death [1.1]
- 2.2 Subterranean Homeboy Blues [1.2]
- 2.3 The Reaper's Helper [1.3]
- 2.4 Kiss the Girls and Make Them Die [1.4]
- 2.5 Happily Ever After [1.5]
- 2.6 Everybody's Favorite Bagman [1.6]
- 2.7 By Hooker, By Crook [1.7]
- 2.8 Poison Ivy [1.8]
- 2.9 Indifference [1.9]
- 2.10 Prisoner of Love [1.10]
- 2.11 Out of the Half-Light [1.11]
- 2.12 Life Choice [1.12]
- 2.13 A Death in the Family [1.13]
- 2.14 The Violence of Summer [1.14]
- 2.15 The Torrents of Greed (1) [1.15]
- 2.16 The Torrents of Greed (2) [1.16]
- 2.17 Mushrooms [1.17]
- 2.18 The Secret Sharers [1.18]
- 2.19 The Serpent's Tooth [1.19]
- 2.20 The Troubles [1.20]
- 2.21 Sonata For Solo Organ [1.21]
- 2.22 The Blue Wall [1.22]
3 Season 2
- 3.1 Confession [2.1]
- 3.2 The Wages of Love [2.2]
- 3.3 Aria [2.3]
- 3.4 Asylum [2.4]
- 3.5 God Bless the Child [2.5]
- 3.6 Misconception [2.6]
- 3.7 In Memory Of... [2.7]
- 3.8 Out of Control [2.08]
- 3.9 Renunciation [2.09]
- 3.10 Heaven [2.10]
- 3.11 His Hour Upon the Stage [2.11]
- 3.12 Star Struck [2.12]
- 3.13 Severance [2.13]
- 3.14 Blood is Thicker [2.14]
- 3.15 Trust [2.15]
- 3.16 Vengeance [2.16]
- 3.17 Sisters of Mercy [2.17]
- 3.18 Cradle to Grave [2.18]
- 3.19 The Fertile Fields [2.19]
- 3.20 Intolerance [2.20]
- 3.21 Silence [2.21]
- 3.22 The Working Stiff [2.22]
4 Season 3
- 4.1 Skin Deep [3.1]
- 4.2 Conspiracy [3.2]
- 4.3 Forgiveness [3.3]
- 4.4 The Corporate Veil [3.4]
- 4.5 Wedded Bliss [3.5]
- 4.6 Helpless [3.6]
- 4.7 Self Defense [3.7]
- 4.8 Prince of Darkness [3.8]
- 4.9 Point of View [3.9]
- 4.10 Consultation [3.10]
- 4.11 Extended Family [3.11]
- 4.12 Right to Counsel [3.12]
- 4.13 Night and Fog [3.13]
- 4.14 Promises to Keep [3.14]
- 4.15 Mother Love [3.15]
- 4.16 Jurisdiction [3.16]
- 4.17 Conduct Unbecoming [3.17]
- 4.18 Animal Instinct [3.18]
- 4.19 Virus [3.19]
- 4.20 Securitate [3.20]
- 4.21 Manhood [3.21]
- 4.22 Benevolence [3.22]
5 Season 4
- 5.1 Sweeps [4.1]
- 5.2 Volunteers [4.2]
- 5.3 Discord [4.3]
- 5.4 Profile [4.4]
- 5.5 Black Tie [4.5]
- 5.6 Pride and Joy [4.6]
- 5.7 Apocrypha [4.7]
- 5.8 American Dream [4.8]
- 5.9 Born Bad [4.9]
- 5.10 The Pursuit of Happiness [4.10]
- 5.11 Golden Years [4.11]
- 5.12 Snatched [4.12]
- 5.13 Breeder [4.13]
- 5.14 Censure [4.14]
- 5.15 Kids [4.15]
- 5.16 Big Bang [4.16]
- 5.17 Mayhem [4.17]
- 5.18 Wager [4.18]
- 5.19 Sanctuary [4.19]
- 5.20 Nurture [4.20]
- 5.21 Doubles [4.21]
- 5.22 Old Friends [4.22]
6 Season 5
- 6.1 Second Opinion [5.1]
- 6.2 Coma [5.2]
- 6.3 Blue Bamboo [5.3]
- 6.4 Family Values [5.4]
- 6.5 White Rabbit [5.5]
- 6.6 Competence [5.6]
- 6.7 Precious [5.7]
- 6.8 Virtue [5.8]
- 6.9 Scoundrels [5.9]
- 6.10 House Counsel [5.10]
- 6.11 Guardian [5.11]
- 6.12 Progeny [5.12]
- 6.13 Rage [5.13]
- 6.14 Performance [5.14]
- 6.15 Seed [5.15]
- 6.16 Wannabe [5.16]
- 6.17 Act of God [5.17]
- 6.18 Privileged [5.18]
- 6.19 Cruel and Unusual [5.19]
- 6.20 Bad Faith [5.20]
- 6.21 Purple Heart [5.21]
- 6.22 Switch [5.22]
- 6.23 Pride [5.23]
7 Season 6
- 7.1 Bitter Fruit [6.1]
- 7.2 Rebels [6.02]
- 7.3 Savages [6.3]
- 7.4 Hot Pursuit [6.4]
- 7.5 Jeopardy [6.5]
- 7.6 Paranoia [6.6]
- 7.7 Humiliation [6.7]
- 7.8 Angel [6.8]
- 7.9 Blood Libel [6.9]
- 7.10 Remand [6.10]
- 7.11 Corpus Delicti [6.11]
- 7.12 Trophy [6.12]
- 7.13 Charm City [6.13]
- 7.14 Custody [6.14]
- 7.15 Encore [6.15]
- 7.16 Savior [6.16]
- 7.17 Deceit [6.17]
- 7.18 Atonement [6.18]
- 7.19 Slave [6.19]
- 7.20 Girlfriends [6.20]
- 7.21 Pro Se [6.21]
- 7.22 Homesick [6.22]
- 7.23 Aftershock [6.23]
8 Season 7
- 8.1 Causa Mortis [7.1]
- 8.2 I.D. [7.2]
- 8.3 Corruption [7.05]
- 8.4 Double Blind [7.06]
- 8.5 Deadbeat [7.07]
- 8.6 Family Business [7.08]
- 8.7 Entrapment [7.09]
- 8.8 Legacy [7.10]
- 8.9 Menace [7.11]
- 8.10 Barter [7.12]
- 8.11 Matrimony [7.13]
- 8.12 Working Mom [7.14]
- 8.13 D-Girl [7.15]
- 8.14 Turnaround [7.16]
- 8.15 Showtime [7.17]
- 8.16 Mad Dog [7.18]
- 8.17 Double Down [7.19]
- 8.18 We Like Mike [7.20]
- 8.19 Past Imperfect [7.22]
- 8.20 Terminal [7.23]
9 Season 8
- 9.1 Thrill [8.1]
- 9.2 Denial [8.2]
- 9.3 Navy Blues [8.3]
- 9.4 Harvest [8.4]
- 9.5 Nullification [8.5]
- 9.6 Baby, It's You [8.6]
- 9.7 Shadow [8.7]
- 9.8 Burned [8.9]
- 9.9 Ritual [8.10]
- 9.10 Under the Influence [8.11]
- 9.11 Expert [8.12]
- 9.12 Castoff [8.13]
- 9.13 Grief [8.14]
- 9.14 Faccia a Faccia [8.15]
- 9.15 Divorce [8.16]
- 9.16 Stalker [8.18]
- 9.17 Disappeared [8.19]
- 9.18 Burden [8.20]
- 9.19 Bad Girl [8.21]
- 9.20 Damaged [8.22]
- 9.21 Tabloid [8.23]
- 9.22 Monster [8.24]
10 Season 9
- 10.1 Cherished [9.1]
- 10.2 DWB [9.2]
- 10.3 Bait [9.3]
- 10.4 Flight [9.4]
- 10.5 Agony [9.5]
- 10.6 Scrambled [9.6]
- 10.7 Venom [9.7]
- 10.8 Punk [9.8]
- 10.9 True North [9.9]
- 10.10 Hate [9.10]
- 10.11 Ramparts [9.11]
- 10.12 Haven [9.12]
- 10.13 Hunters [9.13]
- 10.14 Sideshow [9.14]
- 10.15 Disciple [9.15]
- 10.16 Harm [9.16]
- 10.17 Shield [9.17]
- 10.18 Juvenile [9.18]
- 10.19 Tabula Rasa [9.19]
- 10.20 Empire [9.20]
- 10.21 Ambitious [9.21]
- 10.22 Admissions [9.22]
- 10.23 Refuge: Part 1 [9.23]
- 10.24 Refuge: Part 2 [9.24]
11 Season 10
- 11.1 Gunshow [10.1]
- 11.2 Killerz [10.2]
- 11.3 DNR [10.3]
- 11.4 Merger [10.4]
- 11.5 Justice [10.5]
- 11.6 Marathon [10.6]
- 11.7 Patsy [10.7]
- 11.8 Blood Money [10.8]
- 11.9 Sundown [10.9]
- 11.10 Loco Parentis [10.10]
- 11.11 Collision [10.11]
- 11.12 Mother's Milk [10.12]
- 11.13 Panic [10.13]
- 11.14 Entitled [10.14]
- 11.15 Fools for Love [10.15]
- 11.16 Trade This [10.16]
- 11.17 Mega [10.18]
- 11.18 Surrender Dorothy [10.19]
- 11.19 Untitled [10.20]
- 11.20 Narcosis [10.21]
- 11.21 High & Low [10.22]
- 11.22 Stiff [10.23]
- 11.23 Vaya Con Dios [10.24]
12 Season 11
- 12.1 Endurance [11.1]
- 12.2 Turnstile Justice [11.2]
- 12.3 Dissonance [11.3]
- 12.4 Standoff [11.4]
- 12.5 Return [11.5]
- 12.6 Burn Baby Burn [11.6]
- 12.7 Amends [11.7]
- 12.8 Thin Ice [11.8]
- 12.9 Hubris [11.9]
- 12.10 Whose Monkey Is It, Anyway? [11.10]
- 12.11 Sunday in the Park with Jorge [11.11]
- 12.12 Teenage Wasteland [11.12]
- 12.13 Phobia [11.13]
- 12.14 Swept Away - A Very Special Episode [11.15]
- 12.15 Bronx Cheer [11.16]
- 12.16 Ego [11.17]
- 12.17 Brother's Keeper [11.21]
- 12.18 School Daze [11.22]
- 12.19 Judge Dread [11.23]
- 12.20 Deep Vote [11.24]
13 Season 12
- 13.1 Who Let The Dogs Out [12.1]
- 13.2 For Love or Money [12.03]
- 13.3 Formerly Famous [12.6]
- 13.4 Myth of Fingerprints [12.7]
- 13.5 The Fire This Time [12.8]
- 13.6 Prejudice [12.10]
- 13.7 DR 1-102 [12.13]
- 13.8 Born Again [12.16]
- 13.9 Girl Most Likely [12.17]
- 13.10 Equal Rights [12.18]
- 13.11 Attorney Client [12.22]
- 13.12 Oxymoron [12.23]
- 13.13 Patriot [12.24]
14 Season 13
- 14.1 American Jihad [13.1]
- 14.2 Shangri-La [13.2]
- 14.3 True Crime [13.3]
- 14.4 Tragedy on Rye [13.4]
- 14.5 Open Season [13.7]
- 14.6 Chosen [13.11]
- 14.7 Bitch [13.15]
- 14.8 Suicide Box [13.16]
- 14.9 Genius [13.17]
- 14.10 Seer [13.19]
- 14.11 Couples [13.23]
- 14.12 Smoke [13.24]
15 Season 14
- 15.1 Bodies [14.01]
- 15.2 Bounty [14.02]
- 15.3 Patient Zero [14.03]
- 15.4 Compassion [14.09]
- 15.5 Payback [14.12]
- 15.6 Married With Children [14.13]
- 15.7 Hands Free [14.17]
- 15.8 Evil Breeds [14.18]
- 15.9 Vendetta [14.21]
- 15.10 Gaijin [14.22]
- 15.11 C.O.D. [14.24]
16 Season 15
- 16.1 Paradigm [15.01]
- 16.2 The Dead Wives Club [15.02]
- 16.3 Fixed [15.11]
- 16.4 Ain't No Love [15.13]
- 16.5 Fluency [15.14]
- 16.6 The Sixth Man [15.16]
- 16.7 Dining Out [15.18]
- 16.8 Tombstone [15.20]
- 16.9 Publish and Perish [15.21]
- 16.10 In God We Trust [15.23]
- 16.11 Locomotion [15.24]
17 Season 16
- 17.1 Red Ball [16.01]
- 17.2 Flaw [16.02]
- 17.3 Ghosts [16.03]
- 17.4 Age of Innocence [16.04]
- 17.5 Life Line [16.05]
- 17.6 Birthright [16.06]
- 17.7 House of Cards [16.07]
- 17.8 New York Minute [16.08]
- 17.9 Criminal Law [16.9]
- 17.10 Acid [16.10]
- 17.11 Bible Story [16.11]
- 17.12 Family Friend [16.12]
- 17.13 Magnet [16.14]
- 17.14 Choice of Evils [16.15]
- 17.15 Thinking Makes It So [16.18]
- 17.16 Kingmaker [16.20]
- 17.17 Invaders [16.22]
18 Season 17
- 18.1 Fame [17.01]
- 18.2 Home Sweet [17.03]
- 18.3 Fear America [17.04]
- 18.4 Public Service Homicide [17.05]
- 18.5 Profiteer [17.06]
- 18.6 In Vino Veritas [17.07]
- 18.7 Deadlock [17.09]
- 18.8 Corner Office [17.10]
- 18.9 Charity Case [17.12]
- 18.10 Talking Points [17.13]
- 18.11 Murder Book [17.16]
- 18.12 Good Faith [17.17]
- 18.13 The Family Hour [17.22]
19 Season 18
- 19.1 Called Home [18.01]
- 19.2 Darkness [18.02]
- 19.3 Misbegotten [18.03]
- 19.4 Driven [18.05]
- 19.5 Political Animal [18.06]
- 19.6 Illegal [18.08]
- 19.7 Tango [18.10]
- 19.8 Betrayal [18.11]
- 19.9 Submission [18.12]
- 19.10 Angelgrove [18.13]
- 19.11 Burn Card [18.14]
- 19.12 Bogeyman [18.15]
- 19.13 Strike [18.16]
- 19.14 Excalibur [18.18]
20 Season 19
- 20.1 Rumble [19.01]
- 20.2 Lost Boys [19.03]
- 20.3 Falling [19.04]
- 20.4 Sweetie [19.06]
- 20.5 Zero [19.07]
- 20.6 Chattel [19.08]
- 20.7 By Perjury [19.09]
- 20.8 Lucky Stiff [19.11]
- 20.9 Anchors Away [19.17]
- 20.10 Promote This! [19.18]
- 20.11 All New [19.19]
- 20.12 Exchange [19.20]
- 20.13 Skate or Die [19.21]
21 Season 20
- 21.1 Reality Bites [20.03]
- 21.2 Dignity [20.05]
- 21.3 Boy Gone Astray [20.07]
- 21.4 For the Defense [20.09]
- 21.5 Shotgun [20.10]
- 21.6 Brilliant Disguise [20.15]
- 21.7 Rubber Room [20.19]
22 Briscoe's Best
23 External links

Opening[edit]

Zirlkinton: In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: The police, who investigate crime, and the district attorneys, who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories.

Season 1[edit]

Prescription for Death [1.1][edit]

Dr. Auster: You solve every case you work on?

Logan: We can tell a felony from a traffic ticket.

Dr. Auster: Look, a patient walks in with a headache. She could have a subarachnoid hemorrhage, a berry aneurysm, a retro-orbital tumor...or does she just have a headache? Do you give her an aspirin? Or do you saw open her skull?

Max: You make this speech at funerals?

Nevins: Isn't it possible that pneumonia killed Suzanne Morton?

Medical Examiner: It's possible that death rays from Mars killed her. But I don't think so.

Dr. Auster: Well, people like to believe that medicine is pure science. Medicine is a science. But doctors know it's also a lottery.

Stone: We got what we needed from Dr. Simonson.

Dr. Auster: An intern, Mr. Stone. Are you planning on asking the cleaning lady to testify, too? About the time I threw the tissue into the wastepaper basket and missed?

Stone: You know the difference between Auster and a serial killer?

Robinette: The weapon.

Dr. Auster: When you practice medicine, Mr. Stone, sometimes the patient dies.

Stone: And when you're a lawyer, Dr. Auster, some of the people you prosecute are convicted.

Dr. Raza: My children want to stay in this country, my wife wants to stay, and to stay, all I have to do is to be perfect all the time!

Logan: Well you, uh, fell a little short of perfection on Suzanne Morton's chart.

Subterranean Homeboy Blues [1.2][edit]

Stone: Do you have any other personal views on this subject you'd like to air before we walk into court and Ms. Shambala Green hands us our asses on a platter?

Max: What do you want?

Stone: I'd like someone around here to stay on one side of the issue for 10 seconds!

Stone: You said 'Here's your taste'. Sounds rather cool!

Logan: We're not talking about 'Squeaky' Fromme here.

The Reaper's Helper [1.3][edit]

Max: Do you think a lot of cops are gay?

Logan: No way, man. The department's got a special test. They look you in the eye, and if your left eye blinks before your right eye, they know you're gay. [blinks at Greevey with his left eye]

Curry: What gives you the right to decide how I should live the rest of my life?

Stone: Unfortunately, you did. Not once, not twice, but 3 times.

[A defendant has just punched Stone in the jaw]

Stone: It only hurts when I prosecute.

Kiss the Girls and Make Them Die [1.4][edit]

Max: How many times would you go out with her before you went to bed with her?

Logan: Once. [Max looks appalled] Hey, what do you want, a bedtime story? I'd wait until the honeymoon?

Max: Did you ever hear about a new disease they got, called AIDS?

Logan: Did you ever hear of a new invention called condoms?

Logan: Are we 'your kind of people'?

Manager: Well, you make it in the looks department, but the wardrobe needs a lot of help.

Robinette: At least we gave them justice.

Stone: Justice doesn't give you grandchildren.

Happily Ever After [1.5][edit]

Max: And guess who it was registered to?

Stone: Himes, Gilbert?

Logan: Nope. And not to Ralston, Janet, either.

Stone: [surprised] Ralston, Alan?! Great. He was killed with his own gun.

Max: That's amazing. I know cops who been in shooting cases that can't remember their badge numbers afterwards. Her husband gets shot, she gets shot, victim of a horrible crime, she remembers every second.

Stone: True love. They'd sell each other out for a nickel.

Stone: Either she's evil, or she's 2 years old. She wants what she wants when she wants it.

Ralston: You don't scare me, Mr. Stone.

Stone: Oh yes I do, Mrs. Ralston. I scare you a great deal. And I should.

Max: I hate horseback riding. Scares the hell out of me.

Logan: Scary for the horse, too.

Schell: It's a crime of passion, Stone. Pure and simple.

Stone: A crime of passion is never pure, and it's certainly not simple.

Everybody's Favorite Bagman [1.6][edit]

Simonize: You ain't got nothing on me, except what he said. And that's just heresy.

Max: The word's 'hearsay', Simonize.

Girl: Are you the man?

Max: We sure are, honey.

By Hooker, By Crook [1.7][edit]

Hotel Worker: 50 cents! I’ve been working hotels for 40 years, and I ain’t seen a 2-bit tip since those Kennedys been in office. You see what I’m getting’ at? Then this duke asks me about getting a girl, and I tell him, "A big tipper like you don’t need no girl!"

Jasmine: You should have sent your partner. I don't usually do discipline, but I would love to teach him some manners.

[Max has arrested a prostitute]

Curtis: You said you weren't a cop.

Max: I lied.

Curtis: Isn't there some kind of a legal thing about that?

Max: What, lying? I'm allowed to lie. They pay me to lie.

Max: What do you think?

Logan: Of a hooker who’s got a lawyer looks like he spends more on clothes than I make in a year? I think whoever’s paying his bill ought to adopt me.

Cookie: Look, the heart — that's not the part of the anatomy the girls are interested in.

Max: [on Jasmine being bailed out quickly] Look at that. In and out.

Logan: Just like work.

Poison Ivy [1.8][edit]

Logan: Somebody heard that shot.

Cop: In this neighborhood? You couldn't get a witness to a sunrise.

Lt. Gowdy: We’re all one family here, Sergeant.

Max: You an only child? I got people in my family, I wouldn’t believe ‘em they told me the sky was blue.

Stone: The truth will set you free. It won't always make you happy.

Captain Cragen: If you're wrong, and you go after cops...

Max: If I'm wrong, I'll go to the grand jury and say I killed the kid.

Reverend Thayer: Now is the time to remember the real Tommy Richardson, and what he meant to this community. He was a symbol of what every child born into poverty could achieve. He gave back to his people his time, his energy, his love. And he tried to help even more. He tried to help others by giving money. But to get that money, he sold drugs. And he was shot to death in the gutter because of it. What Tommy Richardson wanted to do for his people was right! But he did it the wrong way! And the policeman who shot him, that was wrong, too! But it would not have happened... without drugs!

Indifference [1.9][edit]

Schiff: What does your gut tell you?

Stone: Put 'em in a dungeon, put 'em on a wheel, and annihilate 'em.

Dr. Lowenstein: Please. That was therapy.

Logan: For her or for you?

Dr. Lowenstein: For her! In Reichian therapy, the patient has to--

Max: Really get to know the therapist, hmmm?

Stone: Mrs. Lowenstein, tell the court why you struck your daughter hard enough to kill her.

Carla: Well, I was loaded, and I really didn't think I had any strength left.

Stone: Why would you do such a thing?

Carla: My husband-- He convinced me to.

Dr. Lowenstein: [jumps out of his seat] She's out of her mind!!

Judge Erdheim: Dr. Lowenstein! One more outburst, and I'll have you shackled for the remainder of this trial!

Logan: [about Carla Lowenstein] Everything’s a mirror to her. She holds a dying kid up to it, and all she can see is herself and how it affects her. Now you give her sympathy, she’s gonna want to fight. You give her a fight, she’s gonna want a kiss. You give her a kiss and I swear to God she’ll bite your tongue out.

Max: You see this on Oprah or somethin'?

Logan: [pause] My mother. She was a bottomless pit. Everything was, "Give me your undivided attention." When my old man couldn't take it anymore, he's smack her, and then she'd turn around and smack me. She would get this look in her eye... That cold witch in there, she's got the same look.

Judge Erdheim: [during the Lowensteins' sentencing hearing] As eloquent as your counsel was in your behalf, you are not the victim here, Mrs. Lowenstein. The victim was an innocent 6-year-old girl who couldn't defend herself. On the count of manslaughter in the first degree, the court sentences you to 7-10 years in a women's correctional facility. [to Dr. Lowenstein] As for you, sir, from this seat, I thought I had witnessed every degradation, every monstrosity possible, but you, Doctor, are beyond contempt. You have helped a woman destroy herself. You engineered the tragedy of a little girl's death. But you took pretty good care of yourself, didn't you?

Dr. Lowenstein: Your honor, I've lost my family.

Judge Erdheim: Yes, you have. Jacob Lowenstein, having been found guilty of murder in the second degree by depraved indifference to human life, this court sentences you to 25 years to life in a state penitentiary.

Prisoner of Love [1.10][edit]

Captain Cragen: Wow! I can see this leading to a whole new penological outlook -- we will only pursue homicides where the vic died in a state of grace.

Max: [reading a personal ad] MBBF.

Logan: Male bisexual bondage freak?

Pardee: Don't make me testify. It'll ruin my career. I'm perfect for young dad parts in commercials.

Hendrick: Art would be much more pleasant if we didn’t have to deal with artists.

[Spoken as police remove a plethora of bondage equipment]

Hendrick: It's my hope chest.

Stone: What were you hoping for?

Stone: Henry Rothman killed himself an hour ago. Couldn't face the thought of prison, I guess.

Hendrick: Did anyone take a picture?

Out of the Half-Light [1.11][edit]

Robinette: You think I sold out?

Stone: Does it matter what I think? If it does I’ll tell you, but it’s something you got to decide for yourself.

Robinette: You got a ‘shave yourself in the morning’ speech?

Stone: Maybe. Do you think of yourself as a black lawyer, or a lawyer who’s black?

Robinette: Depends on the context.

Stone: You make a decision based on something from within. You live with it, you examine it, it’s all you got.

Robinette: You think by morning I’ll come to love it?

Stone: No, but I don’t think you’ll have any problem with the guy in the mirror. See you tomorrow.

Eaton: You look me in the eye and you tell me this system is just. This system is equal.

Robinette: At times the system stinks, Eaton. I know that as well as you do. But don’t for one damn minute tell me that your self-aggrandizing polarization is going to solve the problem. Don’t tell me that tearing down a 200-year old justice system, no matter how flawed, is going to alter the consciousness of a society. Now, we’re past the separate drinking-fountain stage. We’re past legal discrimination. We’re at the hearts and minds stage. And believe me, there’s no quick fix.

Eaton: Another zombified soul casts his vote for order rather than justice. Negative peace over positive peace.

Robinette: Paraphrasing Martin Luther King’s thoughts won’t lend credence to yours. King walked with the angels...you’d slide in slime on your belly to get what you want.

Life Choice [1.12][edit]

Max: 17-year-olds shouldn't be doing the thing that makes babies.

Logan: And crooks shouldn't have guns. Get real.

Stone: Objection, this case is being judged on the temporal plane, your honor.

Kevin: [about the effect of his sister's death] This morning, my father made himself a cup of coffee. Put in milk, sugar...then he went over to the sink and poured it down the drain. He didn't know what he was doing. I was taking the highway to work, and I forgot to get off. I got to 95th street before I realized. I used to have a sister, and suddenly...I don't.

Schiff: Amazing. Getting angry. The most emotional issue that the law has dealt with since suffrage. Look at us: 3 men. Talking about what rights women should have over their own bodies. Now doesn’t that strike you as a little one-sided?

Mr. Donovan: Our daughter acted according to her own conscience. We can live with that-

Mrs. Donovan:[interrupts him, distraught] YOU can live with that! A martyr will never be able to tell me what a wonderful day she had at school. A martyr will never have a wedding. A martyr will never have children!

Stone: If you’re gonna stick your finger in my eye, Mr. Ballard, clean your own nails first.

Stone: If abortion is murder, then no matter how you feel about Mary Donovan, aren't you guilty of the murder of her unborn child?

A Death in the Family [1.13][edit]

Max: What if it was just you and Walker, alone in an alley, he had no gun, and was willing to surrender?

Det. Profaci: I'd shoot him in the face.

Cassie: You know, when I was a little girl, mama used to tell me that you do good? You'll be okay. [pauses] I guess kids got to believe that. 'Else they'd never grow up.

Landlord: I never got the fuss when a cop gets killed. You guys get paid to deal with scum- Whatcha think's gonna happen, you do that? 2 weeks, 3 weeks... you'll be gone. But I'll still be here, and so will the company that pays my salary.

Stone: Do you know what this is?

Convict: It's a gun.

Stone: [sarcastically] Very good, can you spell gun?

Convict: Sure. D-E-A-L.

Stone: I see you've passed the spelling test.

The Violence of Summer [1.14][edit]

The Torrents of Greed (1) [1.15][edit]

Schiff: I don’t photograph well with egg on my face, how about you?

Hoover: There is no fire like passion. There is no shark like hatred. There is no snare like folly. There is no torrent like greed.

Captain Cragen: This is New York, remember? Sometimes people get beat up just for the hell of it. Sometimes they even get dead, it's a fact of life.

Logan: Hey, they don’t play by the rules, why should we?

Stone: Because that’s our job.

Stone: 'Big Frankie', ha, ‘Dandy Don.’

Schiff: You too can have monogrammed socks.

Logan: Let me ask you something. If you liked Isaac so much, why’d you clean his register?

Hoover: Didn’t look like he was gonna need it.

Max: Did you see anything unusual in the neighborhood this morning?

Delivery Worker: It’s Greenwich Village, man. You tell me.

The Torrents of Greed (2) [1.16][edit]

McGinty: I inspect 5 buildings a day, 5 days a week, 50 weeks a year. So I missed a couple of violations, I’m human. You never lost a case, Mr. Stone?

Stone: Well, one mistake is human. 2 is perhaps a lapse in concentration. 3 is stupid, but the same mistake consistently over a period of 2 years indicates another form of human fallibility here.

McGinty: Such as what?

Stone: Greed?

Judge Fishbein: You lost, Mr. Robinette. This is America. One strike and you're out.

Robinette: That’s why we need a warrant.

Judge Fishbein: [laughs] A warrant. Sounds like a fishing license to me.

Max: [in a lot filled with exhumed corpses] What have we got so far?

Logan: Masucci’s greatest hits.

Stone: Call Cragen and tell him to pick up Masucci.

Robinette: For what?

Stone: I don’t give a damn. For spitting on the sidewalk.

Pilefsky: You’re bluffing.

Logan: Yeah, you’re right. We’d be real upset if something happened to a piece of crap like you.

Max: From '80 to '88, Beigal made The Post's 50 Worst Landlords list. Last 2 years, he's spotless.

Captain Cragen: Maybe he got religion.

Max: You ever hear of Don Quixote?

Stone: Did you ever hear about David and Goliath? And we have God on our side.

Logan: [about Katherine] She did in 10 seconds what we couldn't do in 10 years: Put Masucci out of business. Permanently.

Stone: Justice is blind, detective. Nobody said it was fair.

Mushrooms [1.17][edit]

Captain Cragen: Nobody has a "verbal altercation" anymore, you notice that?

Logan: Roneld, stupid and tough is a bad combination.

Ronnie: Yeah, well, it works for you, man, right?

Mrs. Griggs: Maybe if we knew exactly what you were looking for-

Logan: We wanna know who pulled the damn trigger! Because it sure as hell looks like your boy did it.

Mrs. Griggs: [turns slowly to her son] Tell them, Ronnie.

Ronnie: No.

[Mrs. Griggs raises her hand and slaps Ronnie]

Mrs. Griggs: You think you can play this fool game with me?!!

[Logan and Max interrogate Dizz Williams, a suspect in the murder]

Mr. Williams: My boy's 13. You can't do nothin' like this! You gotta go to juvie, you gotta...

Max: We can do plenty when it comes to felony homicide, Mr. Williams! And if you don't wanna blow parole, just SHUT UP!!

Robinette: We need motive.

Max: Who says the little son of a bitch needs motive?

Captain Cragen: Max...

Max: What the hell's his motive for this anyway?! "He took my seat." BAM! "He looked at my girlfriend." BAM! "I need dem shoes." BAM!

Captain Cragen: Max has been busting his chops on this case.

Robinette: I understand...

Max: Hey, I can apologize for myself, alright? Only I don't feel very apologetic! I'm fed up!

Kay’s Attorney: You haven’t mentioned any incentives for cooperation.

Stone: No? Well, how is this: if your client doesn’t start talking now, I’ll tear his life apart.

The Secret Sharers [1.18][edit]

Stone: The Commandment says: 'Thou shalt not kill.' It does not say 'Thou shalt not kill nice people.'

Shambala: I'm going for temporary insanity.

Stone: Yours or your client's?

The Serpent's Tooth [1.19][edit]

Osinski: [on the witness stand] Some of my money in bank, yeah.

Stone: Some? Now, the bank records show that there was, last month, $6,011,301.26.

Osinski: If you say so.

Stone: And the month before that, $9,615.

Osinski: Sounds right.

Stone: A $6,000,000 difference, uh…good month at the discount store, sir?

Schiff: A prosecution based on debt re-financing. That’s going to get you real far with the jury.

Stone: I’ll lay it out for them. I'll draw them a Monopoly board.

Schiff: Yeah, I’d like to see them get from 'Park Place' to 'Go.'

The Troubles [1.20][edit]

Logan: :[They look through a Lebanese restaurant's garbage ] How could somebody eat something that could even get to smell that bad?!

Agent Axelrod: What’s the matter with you guys in the D.A.'s office? Got no peripheral vision? Can't you see the big picture?

Robinette: We're just not blinded by it.

Robinette:Its a whole new concept: crime without punishment

McCarter: I'm no terrorist. I'm a soldier.

Mallahan: What he means is, he is a man of conscience.

Stone: What he means is, he is the misguided, romantic dupe of those who consider him completely expendable.

Logan: You know, it's weird. 2 of our grandparents come from the same town. We've both got uncles that's priests.

Max: And you're both Libras. That’s destiny for you.

Logan: [reading faxes written in Arabic] Looks like a breakdancing chicken wrote this.

Max: O'Connell will have you believing there's no snakes in Ireland.

Logan: There aren't.

Max: Uh, touché.

O'Connell: May I ask you a question, sir? How with the map of Donegal on your mug did you ever end up with a name like Stone?

Stone: Happenstance, sir. Same way you ended up with the name of a real Irish patriot.

[After O'Connell has dismissed lethal IRA operations as 'human error'; following the testimony of a woman whose family was killed by a bomb O'Connell himself planted]

Stone: [to O'Connell] Take a good look. There's your "human error".

Sonata For Solo Organ [1.21][edit]

Logan: [about McDaniel having his kidney stolen] Whoa! Talk about getting your pocket picked!

Captain Cragen: Grand theft kidney. Terrific.

Surgeon: Kidney, kidney, never leave home without one.

Logan: You didn't think it odd that she had an anaesthesia machine delivered right to her apartment?

Medical supplier: Last week, I had a guy order 100 bedpans. For jello molds.

McDaniel: [testifies in court about his kidney being taken] People talk about feeling violated when some punk breaks into their apartment and steals a TV set. I felt raped.

O.T.N. Executive: The public must understand that the Organ Transplant Network is the one true democracy. One of the few instances where money doesn’t talk. At all.

Woodleigh: If you prosecute him, he'll die. I know he will. And for what? Mr. MacDaniel is going to be a very wealthy man.

Stone: With only one kidney.

Woodleigh: Just like I have, Mr. Stone. The hope is we'll both live long and happy lives.

Stone: Please believe me, I'm glad you're healthy again. I know how close to death you were. But, Ms. Woodleigh, do you really think your father would have acted any differently if you had needed a heart instead of a kidney?

Max: It's easier to bust out of Attica than to leave a hospital without paying.

Reberty's Attorney: What's it going to take to make you happy, Stone?

Stone: The Mets in the Series, peace on Earth, and Dr. Reberty in Dannemora.

The Blue Wall [1.22][edit]

Robinette: Plane lands, 2:45. Doorman says Detective Shearer and his wife got home at 4. He went upstairs, dropped his bags, left again 10 minutes later.

Det. Shearer: To get the drycleaning.

Benjamin Stone: After your honeymoon? That's very romantic. Paul?

Robinette: According to the doorman, Detective Shearer was gone for 3 hours.

Stone: Your drycleaner in Philadelphia?

O'Farrell: If there's any crookedness, I'll buy the whole department dinner.

Logan: At these prices, you'll have to take out a second mortgage.

O'Farrell: Only if I'm wrong.

Cragen: This is freakin' amazing. I don't know a computer disk from a slipped disk.

Judge: Before we adjourn, I want to note for the record that I am appalled. We often say that our public officials are not above the law, but that's not enough. They represent it; if they don't obey it, who will?

Season 2[edit]

Confession [2.1][edit]

Marie: [looks out the window while on the phone with Logan] What is this?

Logan: Marie?

Marie: [frightened] Mary, Mother of God!!

[outside his car, Max gets shot; Marie screams over the phone]

Logan: Marie?! Marie?!! MARIE!!!

Magadan: You know how to read a rap sheet, don’t you? 5 arrests, 3 convictions.

Robinette: So you’re a loser, so...?

Captain Cragen: "...maybe threaten his old lady." Too bad he didn’t take that route, Marie would have kicked his ass.

Logan: Max is dead. I accept it. But I’ll never accept it, you know?

The Wages of Love [2.2][edit]

Ceretta: I wish we had a gun...

Logan: I wish I had a girfriend named "Lola".

Robinette: Never seen you like this before.

Stone: I have never done anything this potentially stupid before.

Aria [2.3][edit]

Patricia: My mother couldn't decide if I was Martha Graham or Helen Hayes.

Cerreta: Who were you?

Patricia: I was Patty Blaine. So I got out before I wasn't.

Elizabeth: I loved her. She was my life!

Stone: No, she was your daughter. She had a life of her own.

Asylum [2.4][edit]

Dr. Olivet: He's psychotic; he's not psychopathic.

Cerreta: What's the difference?

Dr. Olivet: Psychotic is when you believe the doorman was sent from Planet X to put mind control devices in your teeth. Psychopathic is when you blow the doorman away and take out 20 other people while you're at it.

Ms. Murdoch: How come every freak in the country lives in New York? Why don’t some of you people move to Nebraska?

Violet: I’m from Nebraska, sweetie. How do you think I got this way?

Lemonhead: I want that reward.

Cerreta: I thought Polesky was your friend.

Lemonhead: I'm flexible.

Logan: Crazy, not stupid.

Stone: [to a mentally ill witness] Your psychiatrist tells us that you have moments of rational thought. We're going to take care of you, and you're going to go back in there and have one of those moments.

God Bless the Child [2.5][edit]

[Logan and Cerreta listen to 911 call recordings, describing what they hear.]

Cerreta: Grandmother fell down the stairs... Daddy's beating up mommy...

Logan: An accident... boiler room explosion...

Cerreta: Want to move to a small town in New Jersey? I know one with a nice police chief.

Captain Cragen: So, you wanna send it to social services? It's your call.

Cerreta: The most we can get her for is endangering the welfare of a child.

Logan: No, no. What we get her for is manslaughter.

Captain Cragen: Whoa, Mike. Slow down. We don't get her for anything you don't prove she knew the kid was seriously ill.

Logan: All right. The housekeeper. What's her name? Uh, Amado. She knew damn well the kid was sick enough to get 2 cops.

Cerreta: Oh, that'll put the parents away for sure. She was fired. She'll say anything.

Logan: Getting fired? You think that's a reason to lie about the kid? [to the captain] You believe this?

Cerreta: Hey! What I think, what you think, what he thinks don't mean diddly-squat! Because in court, she's not a credible witness!

Logan: Credible?! The kid died!!

Captain Cragen: Well, well, what's this? Honeymoon over?

Misconception [2.6][edit]

[Logan and Cerreta jokingly discuss the alibi of a cab driver]

Logan: It's not bulletproof. I used to drive a cab- I'd some nights park outside of Susan Dennis' house, take care of business, and pay the fare myself.

Cerreta: [chuckles] So that would have been what, 3 or 4 minutes?

Logan:[grins] More like a trip to the airport.

In Memory Of... [2.7][edit]

Captain Cragen: What'd he say?

Logan: He told us to go to Hell.

Captain Cragen: Well, at least he's got a way with words.

Stone: We have an obligation to investigate.

Attorney: At the expense of my client’s reputation? This man has led an exemplary life.

Stone: Or he hasn’t, and nobody caught him.

Out of Control [2.08][edit]

Dr. Olivet: There's nothing as powerful as the unspoken.

Dr. Olivet: Girls are constantly bombarded with images of who they should be to attract boys; movies...magazines...television...Madonna...

Fermi: If you think that a woman doesn't know when she's being raped, then I hope you never find out how wrong you are.

Renunciation [2.09][edit]

Rydell: We have a deal, Stone.

Stone: Wrong tense, counselor. In my office, 2 half-truths do not equal a whole, and you better pray that your client here is snowing you, too.

Rydell: Are you threatening me?

Stone: As a matter of fact, yes, I am.

Robinette: Education. It’s a wonderful thing.

Stone: "Anything worth knowing cannot be taught in a classroom."

Robinette: Oscar Wilde?

Stone: Sister Mary Frances. She wielded a hell of a paddle.

Heaven [2.10][edit]

[The suspicious burning of a Latino nightclub, 'El Cielo', leads to the deaths of 53 people, and is quickly determined to be arson. ]

[Logan and Cerreta interrogate a hungover suspect.]

Logan: Where'd you go after that?

Chuey: No se.

Logan: No se? Or won't se?

Captain Cragen: What is less than square one?

Judge Waxman: This is a difficult decision. It brings the rights of the individual to head-on conflict with legitimate governmental requirements. However, I'm inclined to grant the people's limited request.

Pescador: What?! [gets out of his seat] This is worse than Castro, man!

[everyone in the courtroom goes berserk as the judge continuously bangs his gavel]

Pescador: You can't cut my leg without my say-so! I'm not going to no hospital! I'm not going to no hospital!

Judge Waxman: All of you, sit down! Quiet in this courtroom! Quiet! I said quiet, or I'll clear the court! [bangs gavel again] Excuse me! [bangs again, silencing the crowd] Excuse me, Mr. Pescador. We can and will. Now, sit down!

[Pescador sits down]

Judge Waxman: The defendant will submit forthwith to the surgical procedure, which shall be conducted in the manner consistent with this court's written ruling.

Robinette: Attempted homicide?! Those 53 people are homicides. They're dead.

Attorney: He didn't mean to kill anyone, Paul!

Robinette: Don't tell me you're even thinkin' about negligent homicide. Now, look, if he's only a messenger boy, he'd better start namin' names, or he's goin' down alone.

Attorney: He says if he goes to prison, the man'll have him killed.

[Robinette pins Pescador against the wall]

Robinette: Listen to me, man! You don't go to jail, there's about 500 grievin' relatives out there who'd be happy to kill you! You hear what I'm sayin'?!

Pescador: I'll take my chances with them.

Robinette: This is a ridiculous exercise. No matter what, he's goin' down. We send him upstate, downstate, it doesn't matter. Somebody'll get him. This is not a perfect world, Cesar, but then, you already know that.

[Pescador tries to stand up on his incapacitated leg, but cannot and hits the ground]

Pescador: It ain't fair! You know, that assassin didn't even pay me. I get nothing for the deal.

Robinette: What assassin? And what's the deal?

Attorney: Tell him, Cesar. Tell him!

Pescador: A lot of people give the Cubano a lot of money for their micas. 5, 6,000 cash. And then they find out they're bogus. A bunch of paper, man. So they start making noise.

Robinette: What kinda noise?

Pescador: Lot of lawyers telling them, "Hey. You got rights, too". So the people, they want to turn the Cubano in. So he come to me, and he says, "Cesar, Cesar, I tell you what to do. You send those people a message. You put the fear of God into them".

Robinette: By burning down the club?

Pescador: It was supposed to be a warning! Like what they do in El Salvador. The Cubano, he says, "So some people burn, then so what? There's a whole lot more where they come from." The people in El Cielo... Lot of Salvadorans. They got the message. They got the message.

[Robinette helps him back onto his wheelchair]

Robinette: The Cuban. What's his name?

Pescador: Guerra. Domingo Guerra. He owns a club himself. The Del Mundo. Del Mundo.

His Hour Upon the Stage [2.11][edit]

Judge Silver: Have we got a clerk here? Is he on break or what? [reads docket] The People vs. Gary Wallace. The charge is murder, 2nd degree. Is the defendant ready to enter a plea?

Cobb: Your honor, if it pleases the court...

Judge Silver: Mr. Cobb, you couldn't please this court if you danced an Irish jig on your fingertips. Can we get a plea?!

Wallace: Not guilty.

Judge Silver: Somebody talk to me about bail.

Cobb: Your honor, a 5-year old crime... My client is a respected businessman.

Judge Silver: Whose car was used in the crime, counselor. Mr. Robinette?

Robinette: The People request 200,000, your honor. All cash.

Judge Silver: Mr. Robinette, do you know me to be vindictive? Bond'll be fine. 300,000. [bangs gavel] Where's my clerk?!

Star Struck [2.12][edit]

Logan: Thou shalt not steal, except when nobody gets hurt?

Robinette: We're not Gods. We're not even angels.

Severance [2.13][edit]

Cerreta: These guys sound like Boy Scouts.

Logan: Or shadow lives. Somebody paid good money to have them killed- you peer long enough, something emerges from the shadows.

Logan: Law Degree. A license to lie.

[Teasdale is convincing Tina to lie about Frank Kemp's whereabouts]

McManus: Sorry, I'm not very good at this.

Teasdale: For 25 thou you'd better be.

[Stone and Robinette discuss the hiring of Arthur Gold as Charles Martine's lawyer.]

Stone: If you're referring to the Jacobs case, that was 6 years ago, we were understaffed, and that laundry list of paperwork he made was abusive.

Robinette: It was good enough to suppress the murder weapon. Good enough to beat you.

Schiff: No excuses, you screwed up!

Stone: I thought-

Schiff: -Brains didn't enter into it!

Kemp: What are you putting in your coffee, Stone? 'Cuz you're high if you think-

Stone: I think this offer is good for another 30 seconds.

[Arthur Gold has lost the case to Stone.]

Gold: You're not that smart- you never were. [grins] Call me, we'll do lunch. [He drives off.]

Robinette: You'd really eat lunch with him?

Stone: Oh, maybe. If he orders crow.

Blood is Thicker [2.14][edit]

Schiff: Who’s available to send in?

Stone: An armed robber. A rent-gouging landlord. Both of those are ripe for deals.

Schiff: Go with the armed robber: ends up in front of a jury, get more sympathy than a landlord.

Webber: I told him it was all right, a technical violation at worst.

Judge Bryan: Bad advice, counselor. Very bad advice. I've got a technical solution for his technical violation. Mr. Ryder likes islands? I've got one for him... Rikers.

Robinette: If he takes the deal, I’d say 'Yes'.

Stone: If he takes the deal, I’ll start buying lottery tickets.

Trust [2.15][edit]

Ballistics technician: A gun so loved it had to have its own license.

Dr. Olivet: He was probably traumatized by the incident.

Robinette: Not enough to stay away from guns.

Vengeance [2.16][edit]

Robinette: Eye for an eye's worked for thousands of years.

Sara: [about her husband, an accused serial killer] I loved him. I didn't know.

Stone: Didn't know what?

Sara: That he was an animal.

[a murder suspect has been convicted and sentenced]

Stone: I don't know. I think 25 to life is pretty good.

Robinette: I know 2 people that would call it a gift.

Stone: Maybe this would cheer them up. [hands him a newspaper]

Robinette: The obituaries?

Stone: Richard Speck murdered 8 nurses and died in prison. He was 49. Cheney's 42.

Sisters of Mercy [2.17][edit]

[A nun has been accused of child molestation; Dr. Olivet has interviewed the alleged victim]

Dr. Olivet: There's a lot of pain there. I don't think it's an act.

Logan: Great. So we move on a nun.

Logan: Don't nuns have curfews?

Sister Bettina: That went out with the penguin suit.

Cradle to Grave [2.18][edit]

Boxer's Lawyer: It's entrapment. You offered a bribe.

Robinette: You can lead a horse to water, you can't make him steal it.

Stone: Sir, please explain the facts of life to your client

Attorney: What? The birds, the bees, the penal code?

The Fertile Fields [2.19][edit]

Stone: Banks kill with a thousand cuts, not a blow to the head.

Captain Cragen: [about a case] Mike, I've had week-old flounder that smelled better than this!

Intolerance [2.20][edit]

Reily: Half the smack in the country blows through here. You seen a lot of arrests lately?

Cerreta: Well, maybe they’re paying you off.

Reily: Oh yeah, millions. My mortgage is a front.

Stone: Tomorrow's Post. Says we're negotiating a plea. No attribution.

Schiff: Dragging us to the altar.

Stone: And I don't like shotgun weddings.

Judge Torledsky: Docket #51423. The People vs. Marian Borland and Randall Borland. The charge is murder in the se-- What's happening? Didn't I already see this case on my docket?

Robinette: People's motion charges against a previous defendant were dismissed, your honor. The People regret their error.

Judge Torledsky: Regret? We're talking about murder, Mr. Robinette. You oughta publish an apology in The Times. How do the defendants plead?

Marian: Not guilty.

Randy: Not guilty.

Judge Torledsky: I'll hear a few spirited words on the subject of bail. [to the defense attorney] Leonard, it's nice to see you. Please be brief.

Leonard: Thank you, Judge. Nice to see you, too. My clients are not a flight risk. They're bound to the community, and any high bail would be a hardship.

Judge Torledsky: Mr. Robinette?

Robinette: The People request $50,000 on each defendant. Flight is not an issue, but the severity of the crime...

Judge Torledsky: Go no further. When you're right, you're right. And, Leonard, he's right. This is murder-2. 50,000 each defendant. [bangs gavel] Next.

Silence [2.21][edit]

Colson: Why the hell else would he pay me?

Logan: I don’t know. Blackmail comes to mind.

Colson: You obviously don't have enough evidence to arrest me. Which means you don’t have enough to insult me, either.

Stone: My father wanted me to be a doctor. I went so far as to study organic chemistry.

Schiff: What happened?

Stone: I grew up.

The Working Stiff [2.22][edit]

Judge Berman: I'm getting behind here, counselor. May I ask why Mr. Vilanis refuses to enter a plea?

Cantwell: He wants to represent himself.

Judge Berman: I hate pro se cases. Did he bring his own soapbox, or does he expect the court to provide one?

Schiff: You look like the messenger who’s afraid he’s going to be killed.

Stone: I'm afraid the message might kill the recipient.

Season 3[edit]

Skin Deep [3.1][edit]

Cragen: So where does that get us? A lover's quarrel?

Logan: After sex? Most people, you fight, and then have sex.

Cerreta: [To Cragen] He's not married.

[On interviewing models who might have killed a photographer]

Cerreta: Look on the bright side. If we do this all week, you'll never have to buy Playboy again.

Logan: What're you saying, I treat all women like objects?

Cerreta: More specific. Like furniture.

Cotton Queen: Sure, he asked me to do it. $2,500 a week on my back instead of $500 on my feet.

Logan: Well, it must have been tempting.

Cotton Queen: Maybe to you. But, honey, I don't think you'd survive. In my experience, cops just can't perform that often.

Cerreta: So you never turned a trick, huh?

Cotton Queen: Most beauty contests, some cracker judge would put his hands on my ass and offer me more money than I had ever seen to be his "date". I didn't do it then, I don't do it now.

Logan: Hey, Phil. You know that warrant you told that health club guy you'd get? Exactly what probable cause did you have in mind?

Cerreta: A senile judge.

Captain Cragen: She's a hooker, Paul. She slept with her pimp, she got very angry, and she stabbed him. Call Eyewitness News, we've never seen anything like this in New York City before.

Shambala: [to Stone] Murder 2? You couldn't convict her of bad manners.

Stone: If we had perfect cases, we wouldn't need juries.

Stone: Okay, so it's not a walk in the park.

Schiff: Yes, it is. You're going to get mugged.

Conspiracy [3.2][edit]

Marcus: The jury in Los Angeles delivered us a clear message. Black people are on their own! No justice except for what we do for ourselves. No prosperity, except what we create with our own hands! Well, I'm here to tell you that I welcome that message. Because we, as a people, are not without resources! The Jews did for their own. The Koreans do for their own. Now is the time to do for our own! Anger is a force for change, but not if it blinds us! The road ahead is filled with distractions! Hate for the white man is a distraction, and we are better than that! And I... I am here to tell you... Believe me, brothers and sisters, we will have the last word!

Schiff: Blame it on the CIA. They haven't been fingered in years.

Forgiveness [3.3][edit]

[Regarding a steel pipe used as to kill a victim]

Cerreta: I don't think we're gonna trace it. We're still working on gun control. Pipe control's a way off.

Cerreta: You save your high school prizes?

Logan: Yeah. First prize. Multiple dress code violations.

The Corporate Veil [3.4][edit]

[Cerreta and Logan are investigating the death of a teenager due to a defective pacemaker. They have discovered it was second hand, and was in somebody else beforehand.]

Cerreta: This pacemaker has a lifespan of 5 years; That first cardiologist said it was in Mrs. Barnett for 3 years.

Logan: That's right. And Halin said when he implanted it in Roberto, it was 3 years before the expiration date.

Cerreta: How's your arithmetic?

Logan: I know that 3+3 equals murder-2.

Berkley: This isn’t even your party, Ben. This is a corporate matter. We should be in civil court.

Stone: When 7 people end up dead, Richard, I send out engraved invitations.

Wedded Bliss [3.5][edit]

[2 sweatshop workers die from being kept in slavery-like conditions]

Schiff: Slavery. I woke up this morning, I thought it was the 20th century...

Schiff: Politics has 2 choices: do nothing or do something. Nothing has fewer risks.

Stone: Bar Association dinner next week, Adam's getting an award. I bought a new tuxedo. I have to wonder who made it.

Helpless [3.6][edit]

[Olivet has been raped by her gynecologist]

Robinette: Liz. Is she all right?

Logan: She's a psychologist. If anybody's trained to handle it, she is.

Robinette: Nobody trains you to be a victim.

Robinette: [to Merritt] 54 women you either raped, molested, or abused.

Stone: In the future, sir, stay off the evening news.

Melnick: Okay, Ben, what do you want?

Stone: In a perfect world, I'd like to see your client locked in a room for a week with these women. But I'll settle for seeing him spend the rest of his life in jail.

Self Defense [3.7][edit]

Fortas: In Greece, they got weapons laws up the ying-yang.

Logan: Nice to know we live in a civilized country.

Stone: If we let him walk, we’re endorsing an armed populace that metes out justice as they see fit.

Schiff: If we try him and lose, it’s the same message. With our credibility as an appetizer.

Prince of Darkness [3.8][edit]

[In an undercover job, Cerreta has been shot by a gun dealer]

Cerreta: 30 years...I never even...fired...

[The murderer of the hitman the DA's office was prosecuting has fled to Colombia, and they are discussing the case. The phone rings.]

Schiff: Yes? [Listens] Uh-huh? [Continues] Not an accident? [Continues] Thank you. [Hangs up] The gun dealer was in the yard at Rikers; had his throat cut. The victim's mother was thrown out a third-story window.

Robinette: What about the little girl?

Schiff: She was picked up after school by her uncle.

Stone: She doesn't have an uncle.

Point of View [3.9][edit]

[Logan, frustrated with Briscoe, asks the captain when Cerreta will be back]

Captain Cragen: I mean, I'm thinking back to when Phil came on. It’s not always love at first sight with you.

Logan: Look, I can handle it. I just wanna know how long?

Captain Cragen: I wanna know how long is my mother-in-law gonna live with us. I don't know, but I'm learning to enjoy her pot roast.

[Briscoe and Logan enter Scanlon's office; Scanlon is on the phone]

Scanlon: I just haven't seen any real money yet. [to the detectives] Hey, hey, guys, come on, now. I'm busy here!

Briscoe: [takes the phone] He'll call you back in 25 years. [hangs up]

Scanlon: What is this?!

Logan: You wanna put your hands behind you, sir?

Scanlon: What are you doin'?!

[Logan slaps the cuffs on him]

Briscoe: James Scanlon, you're under arrest for the murder of Thomas Duff.

Scanlon: [to his secretary] Call the lawyers!

Logan: Good move. You're gonna need one.

Briscoe: Yeah, and don't tell his wife to keep dinner warm for him. All right?

Logan: And she shouldn't wait up to tuck him in, either.

[Briscoe has just accepted a free meal from a snitch]

Briscoe: Look, he thinks I'm corrupt, so he trusts me, all right?

Consultation [3.10][edit]

Briscoe: Right around the corner from here is the first place I ever saw Mose Allison.

Logan: Who?

Briscoe: I keep forgetting when you were born.

[Stone's Nigerian suspect has left the US before sentencing, and he confronts the Nigerian Consul to which the consul retorts.]

Sir Balewa: Our culture is not as "enlightened" as yours. Nwaka thought nothing about purchasing people's lives. He should be made to pay for his own.

Extended Family [3.11][edit]

Logan: You can call it rescue; a grand jury calls it kidnapping.

Sally: Is that a threat, detective?

Logan: No, it's penal law.

Silver: You'll destroy my daughter's life and for what? Public scandal, page 6?

Right to Counsel [3.12][edit]

Robinette: The defendant savagely murdered an elderly woman, your honor.

Judge Franks: Wait, wait, wait. It says here Mrs. Spiegelman was 61.

Robinette: That's correct, your honor.

Judge Franks: At my 61st birthday, you were cramming for a torts exam. I'd advise you to choose your adjectives a little more courteously, counselor.

Robinette: The People request bail of 500,000.

Knight: My client can hardly afford cab fare to Brooklyn, your honor. Why not make it a million?

Judge Franks: Why not? [laughs] And they say the elderly lose their sense of humor. [laughs again] Bail is set at 250, cash or bond.

Robinette: Justice is swift, not fair.

Night and Fog [3.13][edit]

[Stone prosecutes a man who killed his wife to keep her from revealing that he was a concentration camp guard in World War II]

Steinmetz: An SS officer, Heinrich, came to our door and gave us cake instead of bread. He said that if I could convince my neighbors to go along, nobody would be killed. People lived a few days, a few hours longer - that's what it was about. People who were not there could not possibly understand.

Stone: Your wife understood, sir. That's why you killed her.

Judge Stein: Ben, you are walking through history. God help us if you fall down.

Promises to Keep [3.14][edit]

Briscoe: You're gonna take somebody's purse...

Logan: I know. You bash her head in, you stick a knife in her ribs, you pull on the strap until it snaps.

Briscoe: Yeah. So, what kind of mugger strangles?

Logan: Unless ... they knew each other. You smell romance?

Briscoe: Love at last sight.

Briscoe: First-year guys. Like puppies. You gotta show them the stick before you throw it.

Mother Love [3.15][edit]

Briscoe: So, the mother should've allowed her daughter to shoot the family fortune into her arm?

Logan: Would you kick your daughter out just to save the family fortune?

Briscoe: My daughter could go through my family fortune in a day and a half.

Robinette: You may not believe this, but I'm truly sorry for what happened to your family. But you want us to bend the law. And we both know what it's like when there's one law for black and another for white. It was no good 50 years ago, it's no good now.

Fred: You think the system's gonna change? You think we're gonna be equal? Call me when your kids grow up. Tell me how they're doing. The system's been against us for a long time. Maybe right now, it's gotta bend the other way.

Jurisdiction [3.16][edit]

Green: Davy Zifrin will be lost in prison.

Judge Feist: Leave him a trail of breadcrumbs.

Pawl: Probable cause. You got no probable cause.

Logan: You're under arrest because you're probably guilty.

Conduct Unbecoming [3.17][edit]

Briscoe: The whole floor was charged to the Officers' Mess Fund.

Logan: Nice to know my tax dollars aren't being wasted on school books.

[Stone is cross examining a Navy Captain accused of murdering a female Lieutenant.]

Stone: What about the prostitute eyewitnesses saw you with, Miss Tammy White? They reported that you got very angry towards her-

Captain: That bitch deserved it!

[A brief silence]

Stone: Which bitch is it, sir? Lieutenant Hagen or Tammy White?

Animal Instinct [3.18][edit]

Boyd: What's the difference between a Stalin purge and a Walsh midterm? Stalin tried to re-educate you before he killed you.

Stone: She uses an out-of-date prison library, and her work is better than I've ever seen from a Wall Street law firm.

Schiff: "The truth is ugly, so we put our prophets in prison".

Stone: Oscar Wilde?

Schiff: Charles Manson.

Virus [3.19][edit]

Computer Technician: D.O.D. Department of Doom. It's a local hacker gang. Best known for hacking into the Department of Sanitation's computer. Shut down garbage collection for 2 days.

Briscoe: Probably took that long for anybody to notice.

Schiff: Rock and roll gives me a headache. That doesn't mean I'm part of a conspiracy to kill John Lennon.

Securitate [3.20][edit]

Judge Fishbein: I appreciate his efforts in pursuit of the American Dream, but murder simply is the wrong approach.

Stone: They say a boy doesn't become a man until his father passes away. Leon took care of that in one fell swoop

Manhood [3.21][edit]

Logan: You're under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. And if you move funny, I'll blow your head off.

[Stone is delivering his closing statement in the trial of cops who were accused of allowing a gay cop to die because they hated gay people]

Stone: So, let's suppose that it's true what Defense Attorney Schell implies that each of you, all of you, sympathize with the defendants, trapped as they are in their fears; that, in fact, more people hate homosexuals than are willing to admit, then I venture to say that somewhere in your family history, someone somewhere hates you or your relatives for no other reason than that they are black or white, Slovak instead of Czech, Protestant instead of Catholic, left-wing not right. And are you going to let officers of the law determine which of you they will help based on who and what you are? If so, then don't dial 9-1-1, even if you think you're one of them because you may end up being Officer Newhouse. These defendants let a man die and, for all of us, you must hold them responsible.

Benevolence [3.22][edit]

Briscoe: How many apartments are in this building?

Logan: 30.

Briscoe: Do they ALL have to eat eggs?

Season 4[edit]

Sweeps [4.1][edit]

[after he kills the man who molested his son]

Sid: Somebody shot an animal. Call a vet.

Briscoe: He was in the Army, in the Rangers in Vietnam. Those guys can track a leopard in the rain.

Volunteers [4.2][edit]

Coster: Your honor, my client is a respected oral surgeon.

Judge Sirkin: No dice, counselor. I've seen Marathon Man.

Attorney: Mr. Kirk, when you leave the hospital, where are you going to go?

Kirk: My sister said I could stay with her.

Attorney: But things didn't work out the last time you stayed there.

Kirk: That was her fault.

Attorney: And when you left her house, where did you go?

Kirk: Where I live, Bedford Street. See, there's this sonic convergence...

Attorney: And when you go there, you get high, don't you?

Kirk: Yes. I have to. I feel better.

Attorney: And you buy the crack using money you won from suing the residents of Bedford Street, isn't that right?

Kirk: They harassed me!

Attorney: They say they're the victims.

Kirk: I'm the victim! He tried to kill me! I may never walk right again!

Attorney: You'll sue again, won't you, Mr. Kirk?

Kirk: You better believe it! I'll get enough crack to last me a lifetime! And every time that son of a bitch walks out of his apartment, he'll see me, sitting in my Rolls Royce wheelchair, getting high and getting in his pudgy little face!

Discord [4.3][edit]

Logan: I've been eager myself. It's not a crime.

[Briscoe and Logan catch C-Square]

Briscoe: Clarence Carmichael?

C-Square: Okay, you got me. I shot the sheriff. But the deputy, I swear, that was some other dude.

Logan: [slaps the cuffs on C-Square] I just love rock and roll.

Briscoe: Clarence Carmichael, you're under arrest for the rape of Julia Wood. You have the right to remain silent.

C-Square: Yeah, you have the right to kiss my ass.

Manager: Just keep quiet, Clarence. This is harassment. False arrest. You'll hear from our lawyers.

Briscoe: Oh, no. Not the lawyers. I'm scared. You scared, Mike?

Logan: I'm shakin' in my blue suede shoes.

Profile [4.4][edit]

Jackson: [testifies against Tunney] I remember the voice of the first white man who told me not to come in his store. I remember the voice of the doctor who told me I had a healthy son. And I remember the voice of the man who took out a gun and shot me.

Stone: [after a phone call] Tunney has been out on the streets since 4:00 this afternoon.

Schiff: What?!

Kincaid: Where's our notice?

Stone: Some clerk's dog ate it!

Black Tie [4.5][edit]

Stone: I don't mind when you want to make new law, Norman, but next time I wish you'd choose a more deserving client.

Professor Rothenberg: We can't always choose them, Ben.

Stone: So it doesn't concern you that justice won't be done?

Professor Rothenberg: My only concern is the law. I'll leave justice to a more majestic authority.

Kincaid: [after Danielle Keyes is found not guilty] Does this ever stop bothering you?

Stone: [sighs] No.

Pride and Joy [4.6][edit]

[A teenager is on trial for murdering his father]

Stone: This whole story plays both ways. The father had accidents. The son was abused, or it was the other way around. But the father's not here to defend himself, so the jury could give this kid a college going-away party.

Schiff: Kills his father, the mother defends him. Doesn't the sister have a stake in all this?

Kincaid: We scheduled her for a statement. She didn't come in. Should I try again?

Stone: Why? She didn't say anything before, why would she start now?

Schiff: Before, her father was just bruised; now he's buried.

Stone: You claim that you loved your father.

McKinnon: I did. I did love him.

Stone: How did you show that love? By hiding him from your friends? By telling him he's nothing? You may call that love. Most of us call it shame.

Apocrypha [4.7][edit]

Logan: My mother used to beat me with one hand and hold a rosary with the other. The next time I enter a church, it'll be in a pine box carried by 6 of my friends.

Schiff: Next, I'd like to see you yank out the tablecloth and leave the glasses standing. No way you should have won this case.

Stone: I just sold them a bit of my own snake oil.

American Dream [4.8][edit]

Stone: Mr. Swann, do you routinely list killing people as part of your daily calendar?

Swann: Mr. Stone, do you routinely lack a sense of humor?

Stone: About murder, I have none, sir.

Swann: You give up so easy? It doesn't make any sense, Ben; you're being totally impractical… and it's not like you.

Stone: Obviously you don't know me. You never did.

Swann: I guess you just weren't clever enough. [pause] I got this far, Ben.

Stone: A lot of effort to wind up right back where you started. And in polite society, sir, you don't call people by their first name unless they ask you to - I didn't do that. You're not a friend, and you're certainly not a colleague.

Swann: I spent 8 years earning the right to call you whatever the hell I want!

Born Bad [4.9][edit]

Schiff: You can't force the other side to play. You put a check in the win column and you count your blessings.

Stone: In any other circumstances, that's exactly what I'd do.

Schiff: Why does this kid deserve such special attention?

Stone: Because he's pleading for the wrong reason. His lawyer tells him that he's born bad. We tell him he's raised bad. He buys both stories. Sees his life as a dead end.

Schiff: Maybe he knows his life better than you do. Your job is to convict, not to rehabilitate.

Stone: He's a 14-year-old kid who gave up.

Schiff: So you're doing him a favor.

Stone: If he gave up his illusions, right, but he gave up hope and I drove him to that. Now anything might happen to that kid in prison.

Schiff: Gary Gilmore. Westley Dodd. 2 unrepentant killers. Everybody wants them dead until they agree, and then we turn them into folk heroes.

Stone: We had nothing to do with their fates.

Schiff: You want them to start naming churches after you, I'd get another profession. Take the kid's plea. Move on to the next case.

Stone: We're trying to save your life, young man.

Pollitt: What's the point?

The Pursuit of Happiness [4.10][edit]

[A defense lawyer is attempting to discredit the prosecution's Korean-American eyewitness with expert testimony that cross-racial identification is unreliable.]

Judge: You have an expert witness?

Lawyer: I do, judge: a psychologist.

Stone: Why didn't we hear about this in pre-trial motions?

Lawyer: Gee, Ben, I'm sorry. I was a little late with my legal research.

Stone: You knew about this weeks ago; you warned me that this witness would be a problem.

Lawyer: [Hurried] I don't recall that.

Judge: Off the record, please. [His scribe stops typing] I can't prove this, Tom, but I think you're lying.

Lawyer: Your honor, I don't think —

Judge: Don't play dumb with me. You didn't want Ben to know where you were going. I'll let you have your witness, but one of these days, you're gonna get caught, you'll get disbarred, and I'll be there to applaud.

Schiff: Quick, lock the door; someone might walk in with a case we could win.

Stone: Come on, Adam, the jury didn't buy it. Cross-racial identification, it's bogus.

Schiff: I wouldn't count your chickens; your omelette just hit the fan.

Golden Years [4.11][edit]

Schiff: Young people get impatient with old people. Especially cantankerous ones.

Stone: Oh yeah? Speaking from personal experience?

Schiff: I'm a sweetheart. And I'm middle-aged.

Schiff: You and the girl's lawyer want to pressure her into pleading to a lesser charge that she might not be guilty of so she won't be convicted of a more serious charge that she might be guilty of? Does that make sense?

Stone: With our system and imperfect knowledge? Yes.

Snatched [4.12][edit]

Bodega Owner: Before him, the last white guy seen around here was Clinton. And he had the Secret Service.

Stone: Mr. Bregman, you are possibly the stupidest criminal I have ever met.

Breeder [4.13][edit]

Hotel Manager: [seeing bloody sheets on hotel bed] My God, what happened here?

Briscoe: My guess? The miracle of childbirth.

Logan: [carrying out a baby] If he's a day old, call the Guinness Book of World Records.

Censure [4.14][edit]

Judge Thayer: [to Kincaid, his ex-lover] You weren't my best, but you're proving to be my most expensive.

Stone: Your honor, this is insufficient. The defendant is behaving as if someone else committed this crime...

Gold: You want him on his knees, Ben?

Judge Thayer: Walter...

Judge Schreiber: Judge Schreiber, to you. Now, I've heard all the dodging and weaving I can take on this one. You wore the same robes I do - you know the drill. Now, if you want to dance, you can come back and dance at a trial, so let's hear it. All of it.

Kids [4.15][edit]

Schiff: I love cases where a homicidal gun dealer is our best witness.

Parker: Lennie, it's over. What if it was one of your kids?

Briscoe: I don't know, but there's no statute of limitations on murder. Sweet dreams, pal.

Big Bang [4.16][edit]

Schiff: Terrific. Now to win a larceny trial all we have to do is prove how the universe ends.

Stone: He's not your typical killer.

Schiff: He is - he killed somebody.

Mayhem [4.17][edit]

[About a suspect who castrated her husband]

Lt. Van Buren: She might as well have put it through the heart.

Logan: That's not very compassionate.

Lt. Van Buren: What kind of life is this guy gonna have without... you know?

Logan: Maybe he's got some other life-long pursuits.

Lt. Van Buren: Like what? You think he plays the clarinet?

Logan: I hope he plays the clarinet.

Briscoe: New Hampshire. I spent a year there one weekend.

Wager [4.18][edit]

Logan: [about Benny] You think his son knew he was an ass man?

Briscoe: I don't care how close they were - I don't see him bragging to his kid about his latest conquest.

Logan: But the guys down at the office are a different story.

Briscoe: [glances at Logan] Tell me about it.

Logan: [pause] What?

Schiff: With a father like that...

Stone: Benny Williams was never Pat's father. He just happened to be in the room when Pat was conceived.

Sanctuary [4.19][edit]

Schiff: After 20 years in this office, you'd think you'd have a sense of reality.

Stone: Reality? The reality is that no one is willing to draw a line in the sand. Nobody is willing to say that the law is the law. And if you break it, you will be prosecuted: win, lose or draw.

Stone: Shambala...just once, I'd like to hear someone in this country stand up and say 'I did it. I'm the one responsible for my actions, not my television set, and not the color of my skin.' And if it makes you feel good to call me a racist, fine. But if you want to know who's really responsible for racism in today's society, take a good look in the mirror.

Nurture [4.20][edit]

[Logan and Briscoe are reading a young kidnapping victim's notebook of poetry for clues about who may have taken her]

Briscoe: [reads from notebook] "Flying away on a giant beast with my suitcase in its teeth."

Logan: That doesn't sound like Fenady to me.

Briscoe: Wait a minute. "On leather wings, I fly beyond, on top my friend the pteradon." The flying beast is a dinosaur.

Logan: So a brontosaurus did it.

Doubles [4.21][edit]

Dr. Olivet: [about Korey's stalker] He's invested considerably more than gas money into this. Every game, every press clipping... it's a full-time occupation.

Logan: What's in it for him? Korey barely knows he exists.

Dr. Olivet: The way he sees it, when she changes her running shoes, it's her way of saying hello to him. When she waves to the crowd, it's a declaration of love.

Lt. Van Buren: And if the secret code gets jumbled, is there any chance he gets violent?

Dr. Olivet: There's a low risk, I'd say about 5%.

Briscoe: "If you don't play for me, I hope you don't play for anyone else"? I'd be watching my back.

Dr. Olivet: Well, you take it as threat; he probably meant it as a curse.

Briscoe: Right, and he whacked her with his magic wand.

Hellman: What do you say we cut right to the chase? My client's recanting his statement.

Stone: What's your explanation for that? He lied on his statement because he was abused as a child?

Old Friends [4.22][edit]

Judge Torledsky: Shoots a man, pushes him under a truck? I've heard of overkill, but this is ridiculous. Can we get a plea here?

Rostov: Not guilty.

Judge Torledsky: Bail application?

Weaver: My client has strong ties to the community.

Judge Torledsky: And another community 12,000 miles away.

Weaver: Your honor, my client is a citizen.

Judge Torledsky: "Give us your tired, your poor, your vicious." Miss Kincaid?

Kincaid: Due to the risk of flight, your honor...

Judge Torledsky: Thank you. That's all I need to hear. I'll give this citizen his rights. He's remanded without bail. Next. [bangs gavel]

[Stone is leaving the DA's office]

Schiff: I never thought I'd get a letter of resignation from you. Thought you'd be here long after I was gone.

Stone: It's not entirely about you.

Schiff: That's kind of you, thank you. Steven Green is filing an appeal.

Stone: Based on what?

Schiff: Coercion of a witness. Anne Madsen.

Stone: Considering the witness is dead, the appeals court should be amused. I brought Claire up to speed on my open cases.

Schiff: She'll be fine. And you?

Stone: I'm clear as a bell.

Season 5[edit]

Second Opinion [5.1][edit]

[Briscoe and Logan are arresting a suspect.]

Secretary: Excuse me?

Briscoe: [continues past her] Don't mention it.

McCoy: Haas tells one patient she's got a cure, it's a little white lie. She tells 2 patients, it's unforgivable. She tells 3 patients, she's a murderer. She tells 4 patients, she's a damn murderer, and it's all admissible!

Coma [5.2][edit]

Briscoe: Hey, if I open an account over there, I get free checking and a toaster.

Logan: A 2-slice or a 4-slice?

Briscoe: 4-slice. And if I deposit 50 grand, I get a VCR.

Logan: Hey, if you deposit 50 grand, I'm calling Internal Affairs

Kincaid: Sandra Dobson died on the operating table.

McCoy: And...?

Kincaid: They got the bullet. It doesn't match Dobson's gun.

[she is about to leave, when...]

McCoy: Claire? Amend the indictment. Murder-2.

Blue Bamboo [5.3][edit]

McCoy: If you're gonna play stickball in Canarsie, learn Brooklyn rules!

Samuels: [about the deceased] He had a lot of energy. I, on the other hand, have a wife.

Briscoe: My condolences.

Family Values [5.4][edit]

Schiff: What is the matter with this girl?

Kincaid: She's obviously in love, desperately.

McCoy: As much as she is in denial.

Kincaid: Can you blame her? Every aspect of her life was controlled by her mother, almost to the point of cruelty. Martell was her window to the outside world.

McCoy: Not to mention that sleeping with him was a wonderful way of saying "Happy Mother's Day".

Schiff: You spend years trying to protect your children, and then someone like Martell comes along.

McCoy: He didn't just come along. He was invited in.

White Rabbit [5.5][edit]

Briscoe: What was the FBI doing in 1971?

Logan: I dunno, buying feather boas for J. Edgar Hoover?

McCoy: [about Forrest] She'll be in prison until 2003. The 60s should be over by then.

Competence [5.6][edit]

Lt. Van Buren: I heard Zach Roland cut a deal.

McCoy: Lieutenant, it's 9:00, I'm in a bar, I've got a glass of 8-year-old Scotch in front of me, I don't want to talk business.

Lt. Van Buren: Tell me something counselor, were you born a wise-ass or did it just come with the job?

McCoy: I'm a pussycat. You should've seen my old man.

Lt. Van Buren: Your old man?

McCoy: He was a cop. You knew that. If it had been him who was unlucky enough to be in front of that ATM instead of you there probably would have been 2 dead kids lying on the sidewalk.

Lt. Van Buren: And you would have dragged him in front of the grand jury.

McCoy: Damn right. I would have gotten an indictment, too. [looks at Van Buren and they laugh]

Precious [5.7][edit]

[The husband of a woman accused of killing their children is standing by her]

Schiff: Nice to meet a man who says "'Til death do us part" and means it.

McCoy: If those were my children, I'd want that woman in prison.

Schiff: With a 50 percent chance that she's innocent? I wouldn't tell that to the next Mrs. McCoy.

Kincaid: She's asked that her sentence to be delayed until she gave birth. She said she didn't want her child to be born in prison.

McCoy: Probably the safest place for the child.

Schiff: By the time she gets out of prison, the kid should be able to defend itself.

Virtue [5.8][edit]

[A councilman is accused of extorting sex from a female employee]

Mr. Talbert: Not only was it consensual, it wasn't very good.

McCoy: [disgusted] You're a piece of work, Mr. Talbert.

McCoy: [his closing summation] Give me the keys to your house, or I'll charge you with murder. I'm the D.A. I can do it. Give me $10,000, or I'll tell the Feds about that shipment of heroin I saw you pick up at J.F.K. I'm the D.A. They'll listen. What would you do? I can tell you what I'll be doing for the next 10 years or so. I'll be in Attica, because what I just did is called extortion, and it's a felony. Sleep with me. Or I'll tell your boss that you're under indictment for fraud. It's not true, but do you really think you'll be working next week? Sarah Maslin worked for 8 years. She was the best, most productive associate in her firm. She had clearly earned a partnership, but the only way that she could get it was to have sex with the man who had the power to make or break her career. Sarah Maslin laid down on that couch for Mr. Talbert. But can any of us say that she really had a choice?

Scoundrels [5.9][edit]

Briscoe: Dead people - they're full of surprises.

[an elderly witness has called the police department]

Lt. Van Buren: Any one of you have a girlfriend in a nursing home?

Logan: That would be Lennie.

House Counsel [5.10][edit]

Schiff: What is this, Bernie's Bargain Basement? "Cop to 4 murders, get only 5 years".

McCoy: When I made the deal, I had no idea.

Schiff: You had no idea because your blood was rushing downstream to somewhere south of the border.

McCoy: Justice is a by-product of winning.

Guardian [5.11][edit]

Lawyer: Well, I trust you're here to apologize, Lieutenant.

Lt. Van Buren: I do my repenting on Sunday.

Progeny [5.12][edit]

McCoy: Well-meaning people can disagree, especially about the most socially devisive issue to face our country this century. Drew Seeley has an opinion about abortion. He thinks that his opinion entitles him to kill people. Here's what he did. He hunted down a woman named Eileen Reid, he gave Randall Jenkins a gun and told him to shoot Eileen Reid. And he did. Drew Seeley is a self-appointed executioner. If you let him go, you better just pray that one day, someone like him doesn't find some fault with you.

[Seeley approaches the jury]

Seeley: 150 years ago, you weren't considered a person. Or you. Or you. A man named John Brown thought that was wrong so he took violent action to liberate black American slaves. Well, he was caught and brought to trial and hanged because slavery was legal and the law said that slaves were not people deserving of protection. But you know what? John Brown was right. And the law was wrong. Now John Brown is considered a hero. Today, abortion is legal but I tell you, that law is wrong. Like John Brown, I follow a higher law. I ask you to do the same.

McCoy: [to Seeley] You can't point a gun at another human being, even an abortionist, and pull the trigger because, in your soul, you know it's wrong.

Dr. Moran: [during her testimony] I was, in effect, committing murder.

McCoy: In effect?

Dr. Moran: I was committing murder.

McCoy: Fine. Would you please stand up?

[the doctor stands up]

McCoy: Officer, arrest this woman.

Judge Scarletti: Mr. McCoy!

McCoy: We've just heard a confession of murder, your honor. Officer?

Judge Scarletti: I'm not amused, Mr. McCoy!

McCoy: How many counts of murder shall we charge you with, Dr. Moran?

Judge Scarletti: MR. MCCOY! May I remind you that abortion is legal?

McCoy: [triumphantly] Thank you, your honor!

Rage [5.13][edit]

Logan: Any chance you like any of the men you work with?

Female stockbroker: Give me a break, Detective. There's only 2 kinds of men that work on Wall Street. Standard and poor. [gives Logan a speculative look] But I hear that peace officers are a whole different story.

[Stockbroker enters limo. Briscoe and Logan look at each other.]

Briscoe: [grins] You got your yardstick handy?

Logan: Oh, I got my tape measure.

[Talking about the suspect]

Logan: It's weird. The guy's got more money than God, but he lives worse than I do.

Lt. Van Buren: Howard Hughes never clipped his toenails. Got any homicides we can pin on him?

Logan: [snatches a parking ticket from the windshield] Aww, what is this? They got no respect anymore, these meter maids.

Logan: Well, you got your $2,000 suits and you got your hotshot degrees but, from where I'm standing, you're no better than some punk who robs a 7-11 store and blows away the cashier to cover his tracks.

Greer: I graduated summa cum laude from Harvard, magna from Stanford Business. I have 17 traders working for me, and I booked almost a billion dollars in trades over the last 2 years. Not only am I better than your punk at the 7-11, I'm a hell of a lot better than you, Detective Logan.

Performance [5.14][edit]

[Talking about amateur porn movies]

Logan: Hey. How'd you like to be in one of these movies?

Briscoe: You kidding me? I don't even like to look at my own X-Rays.

[Speaking to an editor at The Swinger's Guide]

Editor: Rape isn't part of the swinging lifestyle. The pleasure comes from an open and willing sharing.

Briscoe: Ah, but whatever happened to romance?

Editor: Our readers are interested in exploring another side of their sexual selves.

Logan: Yeah. The side marked "this end up."

[Briscoe is reading a copy of The Swinger's Guide]

Logan: What're you looking for, a date?

Briscoe: [reading] "Open-minded MBBF seeks mature man."

Logan: [looking puzzled] What's that? Male bisexual bondage freak?

Briscoe: I'm more in the mood for a BLT.

[Kincaid finds McCoy in a bar to discuss the case against Kyle and Shane]

McCoy: Rule #1: Never drink at work. Rule #2: Never discuss work while drinking.

Kincaid: They've overturned the verdicts and remanded for a new trial. Evidence of the Mack Rangers is excluded.

McCoy: Rule #3: If rule #2 is broken, never drink alone. [hands Kincaid a drink]

Seed [5.15][edit]

Logan: The nuns at my school were less sanctimonious than that guy.

Briscoe: The nuns at your school never went to medical school. You know those MD plates gets you a better parking spot in heaven.

Briscoe: [to Logan] You know, if I didn't already know you didn't have kids, I'd know you don't have kids.

[Speaking of artificial insemination]

Beth: It's the best relationship I ever had with a man.

Briscoe: I thought it was supposed to be anonymous.

Beth: That's exactly my point.

[Leaving the home of a pregnant lesbian couple]

Logan: Brother. And I thought I had it bad being brought up by 2 alcoholics.

Briscoe: I wonder which mommy's gonna teach him how to smoke and drink.

Logan: And shave.

Briscoe: Well, it's the '90s. Everybody's allowed to be gross and disgusting, not just you.

Logan: Well, all I know is I had one mommy, and she did enough ball-breaking for one lifetime.

Wannabe [5.16][edit]

[Discussing the chairman of the board of a prestigious private school]

McCoy: Not coincidentally, he's the one who assured us of the school's full cooperation.

Kincaid: Instead, the school circled the limos to keep the Barclay name out of it.

Schiff: I'm shocked.

McCoy: This isn't stink bombs in the boy's room, Adam. They hindered prosecution of an A felony.

Schiff: Now I'm very shocked.

[In interrogation with Mr. Barclay and his son.]

Mr. Barclay: I guarantee you, it was Harrigan that put him up to it. He and his father, they're all alike, with their Irish temper, they lose control, and the next thing you know, you have a murder--

McCoy: Oh, so Harrigan did it because he's a Mick? Detective Logan is a Mick. I'm a Mick, sir. And if you don't shut up, I'll lose control and throw you out of the room!

[McCoy has gathered the suspect's friends at the police station]

McCoy: I'm Jack McCoy. I'm the Assistant District Attorney for New York County. You are invited here to talk to me about the murder of William Harrigan. And make no mistake: you will talk to me. You're going to tell me every thing you know about Stuart Barclay and Colin Harrigan's roles in that killing. If you don't, if you lie, I'll add a new word to your vocabulary: conspiracy, to commit murder. You could serve as many years as you have candles on your birthday cake. Who wants to speak first?

Boy: You don't scare me. You can't lay a hand on us.

McCoy: I don't see anyone here to stop them. [Police Officers] This isn't a music video, son, this is reality. A man is dead, and our patience is wearing thin.

McCoy: It's over, Scott. Even your father realizes it. I've got you for conspiracy, and if I eat my Wheaties I can get you for second degree murder, and I won't care that you didn't actually pull the trigger.

Act of God [5.17][edit]

McCoy: I'm sorry about the cross-examination, detective, I just had to rule Palley out as a suspect.

Briscoe: Hey, no problem. They pay me plenty to look like an idiot.

Privileged [5.18][edit]

[After visiting a series of disgruntled exes who've had dealings with a high-powered divorce lawyer]

Logan: You know, the more I talk to these guys, it reminds me why I stay single.

Briscoe: You mean it's not just the quality time you get to spend with yourself?

[After Logan has complained to Van Buren about the number of suspects, and Briscoe comes in with a lead on a suspect.]

Logan: Wow. That's almost a clue.

Lt. Van Buren: And it beats heavy lifting.

Briscoe: What?

Logan: It's Anita's sense of humor.

Lt. Van Buren: Lieutenant Anita to you.

Cruel and Unusual [5.19][edit]

McCoy: If you kick a dog enough he'll stop barking. He might even do tricks for you. But I don't know anyone who would call it humane.

McCoy: He knew the therapy wasn't working, and instead of admitting he was wrong, he just turned up the voltage.

Vilardi: Mr. McCoy. You're making them close the clinic. What about David? I can't take care of him. Can he go home with you now? I didn't think so.

Bad Faith [5.20][edit]

Lt. Van Buren: [about child molesters] There's people like him in every neighborhood. It could be the Little League coach, your kid's favorite teacher... It's too bad they don't glow in the dark.

McCoy: Your client is facing 19 counts of aggravated sex abuse. [to Krolinsky] Add them together, they'll be growing tomatoes on Mars by the time you get out.

Krolinsky: For God's sake, Mr. McCoy, I have a family.

McCoy: I feel sorry for them.

Krolinsky: Look, I wanna get help. I'm a sick man, I-

McCoy: You're an adult! Your victims were children. There isn't anything you could say that would make me feel sorry for you.

[Logan confronts Krolinsky]

Logan: We called you Father! How could you do that to us? You even did it to your own kid. How could you do that?

Purple Heart [5.21][edit]

Crime scene tech: [while going through a dumpster for evidence] Last time we sifted a dumpster, the investigating officer got in there himself.

Briscoe: That's fascinating. I think you missed a spot over there.

Denise: I grew up in a two-room apartment. My mother sent me and my sisters to school with mashed potato sandwiches for lunch. I pulled myself above that. No one helped me. Not Danny. People thought he was charming. When he took that $15,000 from me, it was not charming.

Switch [5.22][edit]

Briscoe: My second wife always wanted a walk-in closet. Now I have one - trouble is, I live in it.

Schiff: Nice, now you're saying the father didn't kill her. You oughtta take this roller coaster to Coney Island.

Pride [5.23][edit]

Briscoe: My respect for Durban is growing by the hour.

Logan: Yeah, he's so smart he's dead.

[Powell cross-examines Logan]

Powell: Detective, are you familiar with a term police use to describe a murder in the gay community even before they know all the facts of the case?

[Logan says nothing]

Powell: Come now, don't cause me the embarrassment of having to call up witnesses who've heard you say it.

Logan: [reluctantly] It's called 'homo-cide'.

McCoy: 2 in 5 Americans think homosexuality is a sin.

Schiff: Don't worry about 2 in 5. Worry about one in 12.

Season 6[edit]

Bitter Fruit [6.1][edit]

Briscoe: [about his new partner, Rey Curtis] I've got ties older than him. Some shoes too, I think.

[during arraignment]

Clerk: Case #622395. People vs. Nicholas Capetti. Charges are murder in the first degree and kidnapping in the first degree.

Judge Fraser: Give me a plea.

Nick: Not guilty.

Judge Fraser: Miss Kincaid, what are the People looking for on this?

Kincaid: The victim's a 12-year-old girl, your honor. The defendant has a prior...

[suddenly, 3 gunshots are heard, causing panic in the courtroom; Nick hits the ground; Karen has pulled the trigger]

Karen: You bastard!

Court officer: Call EMS!

[other officers and Mrs. Capetti check on Nick while Karen is arrested]

Mrs. Capetti: Do something! Do something!

[Curtis walks up to Kincaid, who had ducked for cover]

Curtis: Kincaid, you all right?!

Kincaid: No, I'm okay. I'm okay.

Curtis: You sure?

Kincaid: Yeah, I didn't see what happened.

[after hearing that Karen shot Nick to death in the courtroom]

Schiff: How in Hell did she get that gun into the courthouse?!

Kincaid: I don't know.

Schiff: You don't know. Well, somebody better find out. Normal-lookin' people out there taking the law in their own hands!

McCoy: With 8,000,000 taxpayers cheering 'em on. They're lining up to pat Karen Gaines on the back.

Schiff: Right.

Kincaid: Well, it doesn't take much effort to put yourself in her shoes.

McCoy: Unfortunately, she's not the first parent to lose a child. That can't justify premeditated murder.

Kincaid: You wanna try her for murder-2?

McCoy: She had the presence of mind to smuggle a loaded weapon into a courthouse. I have 40 witnesses who saw her shoot Capetti. I don't see what the problem is.

Schiff: The problem is that your jury will wish that they pulled the trigger!

McCoy: If we don't come down hard on Karen Gaines, somebody else'll get the idea that it's okay to turn another courtroom into the O.K. Corral.

Schiff: And if she gets acquitted, what message does that send? I'm not takin' that chance. You're talkin' to her lawyer.

McCoy: Your son was convicted of committing violent crimes, isn't that right?

Mrs. Capetti: He wasn't a saint. I didn't say he was. And if he had anything to do with that little girl, then he should've paid by the law! Now, I could live with that, but not with this. [to Karen, furiously] What gave you the right to shoot him like a dog?!

Judge Caffey: Mrs. Capetti, please! Address the court.

Karen: How can you think for a minute that I would let my own child die? What kind of mother do you think I am?! You don't know what I did for her. For 10 years, I stayed in a nightmare marriage, just so she could have a real home. I fought for custody for her, but he had more money, more lawyers. He turned me into an addict, and then used it against me! That bastard! He stole her away from me! He told her lies about me! He made her afraid of me! I loved her!

McCoy: But you hated your husband more.

Rebels [6.02][edit]

[Briscoe and Curtis find a murdered college student at a biker bar]

Curtis: He goes to NYU. I guess he wanted to see how the other half lived.

Briscoe: They don't live for long.

Caridad: Tommy didn't want to be poor. He just wanted to play poor and screw poor.

Igor: I don't talk to Spics unless I'm drunk.

Savages [6.3][edit]

Quinlan: You want my testimony? You drop the laundering charges completely, and I get blanket immunity for anything that I say that might tend to incriminate me.

Kincaid: That's ridic-

McCoy: You got it.

Quinlan: [to his attorney] You should be payin' me.

[Brolin finds McCoy eating a sandwich outside the courthouse after Sandig is convicted of Croft's murder]

Brolin: Tuna fish? Is that how you celebrate a victory?

McCoy: It's chicken salad. It's not over 'til after the sentencing hearing. Then it's tuna fish.

Brolin: Well, I wouldn't go planning my menu just yet. [hands the EADA a notice] My motion for a declaratory judgment with Judge Boucher's decision.

McCoy: Denying it.

Brolin: Yes. Well, and my appeal and my brief. [hands McCoy her appeal and brief] The way I see it, the New York death penalty statute doesn't even come close to passing constitutional muster.

Sandig: I was so ashamed of what I did to that detective. Do you know why I kept the gun? I was gonna kill myself.

McCoy: So why didn't you?

Sandig: [voice breaks] Because I don't wanna die. I'm sorry, okay? Please... [sobs] I don't wanna die!

Hot Pursuit [6.4][edit]

Briscoe: You know, Rey, if you ever get laid off, you could have a hell of a career as an egg timer.

Schiff: Danielle Melnick. She ought to have you on retainer. Dig up this other crime, it strengthens her case.

McCoy: I get it. I was supposed to ignore the fact that Leslie Harlan shot up a liquor store.

Schiff: It answers the unanswered question of why the girl didn't try to escape.

Kincaid: If it really was because Trapp forced her to act like a criminal, why didn't Leslie tell us about it?

Schiff: Because she knew that you'd try to use it against her. Now, look what you tried to do with it.

McCoy: Look at what her lawyer did do with it.

Schiff: She's not as smart as her lawyer. You are.

Jeopardy [6.5][edit]

Professor Rothenberg: It's a disgrace, McCoy. My client should be home helping his kids with their schoolwork.

McCoy: I saw the crime scene photos. I know how much his family means to him.

Peter: But I'm innocent. I didn't kill anybody.

McCoy: You've already learned the Rikers Island theme song. Good for you.

Schiff: You got past double jeopardy. You climbed Everest in your shorts on a very cold day.

Paranoia [6.6][edit]

McCoy: Shelley Cates could convince a jury that Jeffrey Dahmer had an eating disorder.

Lt. Van Buren: [reading a student's poem] "The more I stab you the more I want you."

Briscoe: Sounds like Gershwin.

Lt. Van Buren: Damn. My college's idea of sex in literature was Jane Eyre.

Humiliation [6.7][edit]

Hooker: Are we talking afternoon delight?

Curtis: [pulls out his badge] I'd be delighted to throw you in jail.

Hooker: Can't arrest a girl for asking.

Kincaid: So, do you think Danforth will keep it in his pants next time?

McCoy: [pause] Probably not.

Angel [6.8][edit]

McCoy: Doesn't the Bible tell us not to kill, Mrs. Coleman?

Leah: I am already suffering for what I did.

McCoy: So now you know what you did was wrong?

Leah: Yes.

McCoy: Did you know it was wrong when you woke up that morning?

Leah: Yes.

McCoy: Did you know it was wrong when you ate your cereal?

Leah: Yes!

Fineman: He's badgering, your honor!

McCoy: Sit down and shut up, Mr. Fineman!

Judge Stein: Overruled. And you will address the court from now on, Mr. McCoy.

[Fineman sends McCoy a drink at the bar]

McCoy: [to the waiter] Send it back.

Kincaid: You can't forgive anyone, can you?

McCoy: No, I can't. Besides, that was bourbon. I'm drinking scotch.

Blood Libel [6.9][edit]

Payne: I'm going to ask the jury what they think about Jews... and all I need is one.

[An anti-Semitic killer has been freed thanks to a deadlocked jury]

Kincaid: They voted 11 to 1 to convict.

McCoy: One juror.

[pause]

Schiff: So what else is new? Next case.

Remand [6.10][edit]

[New evidence in a 30-year-old rape case might set a convict free]

Kincaid: We're obligated to turn this over to the defense.

Schiff: And give this 3-time rapist a chance to bluff the jury?

Kincaid: That can't be a consideration.

Schiff: It sure as Hell can!

Kincaid: Marks just held a press conference. She actually thinks she righted a 30-year-old wrong.

McCoy: And I bet she hopes to be the centerfold of next month's Bar journal.

Corpus Delicti [6.11][edit]

Nichols: [accused of electrocuting horses] Trust me, sir. The horses don't feel a thing.

Briscoe: I'd like to shoot 120 volts through his rectum and see what he says then.

Kincaid: Christopher's horse-trading records are insanely complicated. He covered his tracks. He wasn't so cautious about his mating rituals.

McCoy: Should I be taking notes?

Kincaid: [smiles] If you want to go broke.

Trophy [6.12][edit]

Damien: We wasn't doin' nothin'!

Briscoe: Oh, yeah? And just where wasn't you doin' it?

Hawthorne: The part of private practice I hate - clients.

Charm City [6.13][edit]

[Briscoe and Curtis arrest Brian Egan, who had been using the alias "Ronald Reagan"]

Curtis: Ronald Reagan. That's cute.

[Egan tries to run, only to be confronted by Briscoe]

Briscoe: You're not going anyplace, Mr. President.

Egan: You don't see anything. You have no idea what's going really on.

McCoy: Why don't you tell me.

Egan: I'm just the tip of the iceberg.

McCoy: You're a racist, and a murderer, and you just found out your country won't tolerate it.

Egan: You mean your country won't. Mine is growing. You think you can stop it? You can't stop anything.

Custody [6.14][edit]

Kincaid: So because of the bigots, any black criminal has a ready-made excuse?

Robinette: Not an excuse. A mitigating factor.

Robinette: Ben Stone once said I'd have to decide if I was a lawyer who was black or a black man who was a lawyer. All those years, I thought I was the former. All those years I was wrong.

Encore [6.15][edit]

Murphy: I didn't see nothing, I don't know nothing, and I don't want to know nothing.

Briscoe: Sort of a Zen thing, huh Frances? Keep your life clean and simple?

Murphy: I don't know.

McCoy: Did he say he was going to marry you? [places 2 morgue shots of Michael's previous wives in front of the witness] This is what happened to the first Mrs. Dobson, and this is what happened to the second Mrs. Dobson. Do you really want to be Mrs. Dobson #3?

Savior [6.16][edit]

Briscoe: [about Weber] If he loved his kids that much, he'd have been home to tuck them in.

Curtis: You tell me you never drank too much and blacked out.

Briscoe: Hey, I missed the entire Carter Administration, but I was always home for breakfast.

Bell: What do a sperm cell and a lawyer have in common?

Kincaid: They both have a one in a million chance of becoming a human being. There's a law: You pass the bar, you have to stop telling lawyer jokes.

Deceit [6.17][edit]

Briscoe: What's your relationship with Liza?

Conneca: I'm Liza. As in Minelli. See the resemblance?

Briscoe: You're a drag queen.

Conneca: A female impersonator. I dress up for work the same as you do, detective.

Briscoe: Yeah, only I don't have to tuck in so much.

Briscoe: You had a beef with your boss?

Lt. Van Buren: His lady boss.

Curtis: She was coming on to me.

Briscoe: What?

Curtis: That's why I transferred here.

Briscoe: So can I transfer there?

Atonement [6.18][edit]

Schiff: Isn't your theory getting to be like theirs? They say he's an outraged boyfriend, you say he's an outraged would-be boyfriend.

McCoy: There's a world of difference between a jealous lover and some horny bastard who's mad he can't get to first base.

Schiff: Eloquent. Can't wait for your closing argument.

Schiff: This kid falls in love with a girl he has no chance in the world to get.

McCoy: And in a stupid, hopeless attempt to impress her, he shows her a million dollars worth of cocaine.

Schiff: Yeah, I guess etchings don't work anymore.

Kincaid: And as a result he ends up having to kill her.

Schiff: A story for Sophocles.

McCoy: Or Larry, Moe and Curley.

Schiff: Yeah. I always loved those guys.

Slave [6.19][edit]

[An alcoholic murder suspect's daughter is covering for him]

Curtis: Daddy's little helper.

Briscoe: Yeah, I used to have one of those.

Curtis: Tell the truth now, Clayton. You wait for him to come back with those test results, it's over. You're gonna be in the same boat as Lonnie.

Luanne: For God's sake, Clayton, tell 'em what they wanna know.

[Clayton is silent; his father, Frank, grabs him by the lapels]

Frank: You little punk. You show your mother respect!

Clayton: Hey! You're hurting me!

Luanne: Frank! Frank!

Frank: You're gonna tell the truth! [slaps his son] You're not gonna ruin your life for some dope dealer!! Tell them what happened, damn it! Tell them!

[Briscoe and Van Buren have seen everything]

Lt. Van Buren: We can't let him do that.

[she enters the room]

Lt. Van Buren: Detective Curtis!

[the scuffle stops]

Lt. Van Buren: Take Mr. Doyle outside now.

[Frank releases Clayton as Curtis takes him out]

[Curtis allows a man to slap his teenage son during an interrogation]

Lt. Van Buren: Your conduct was unacceptable.

Curtis: Why? Cause I let a father discipline his kid?

Lt. Van Buren: No one lays a hand on a suspect in my interrogation room. Now that man was out of control and it was up to you to manage it.

Curtis: Well, that kid was out of control, and you know what scares me? That somebody like that can go to school with my daughter.

Lt. Van Buren: You think you're the only one who loses sleep? Look, if you don't like the way this place is run... transfer.

Girlfriends [6.20][edit]

Schiff: Crack open the piggy bank; see what falls out.

[Taggart's assets have been frozen]

Taggart: How am I supposed to stay in business?

Briscoe: You know what? I don't think you're supposed to.

Pro Se [6.21][edit]

School Principal: [sarcastically] A tall black teenager. It figures - he's a criminal and he plays basketball!

Briscoe: Well, we'll check out your chess team next.

[A schizophrenic murderer is representing himself]

McCoy: His first trial, and he knows just enough law to turn it into a circus.

Schiff: A circus? 3 counts of murder? He's taking it seriously.

McCoy: Then why doesn't he plead insanity?

Schiff: Because he's insane!

Homesick [6.22][edit]

Schiff: Ruthie Miller? Who's paying her bills?

Kincaid: The British Consulate.

Schiff: Go to tea. Offer her a crumpet.

Kincaid: I never did like chasing my tail.

McCoy: But it's a lot of fun when you catch it.

Aftershock [6.23][edit]

Doctor: Heard you did okay last night.

Mickey: Meatloaf and mash, couple Dr. Peppers.

Doctor: I would've gone with the pizza. Sausage and pepper.

Mickey: Maybe I should start over.

[the doctor places the needle in his arm]

Mickey: I bet you get a real kick outta that.

Doctor: Now's not a good time to go crybaby, Mickey.

Mickey: Yeah, right. In your dreams.

[McCoy talks about his father]

McCoy: Sometimes my mother had to lock herself in the basement.

Bar Guy: Son of a bitch hit her?

McCoy: 10 years. I'm still scared of those hands. He smoked like a chimney. Cancer. He'd lay there in that hospital room, with tubes coming out of his arms. They pumped him full of morphine, so he wouldn't know how much he hurt. He didn't know where he was. This tough... He just lay there. He was breathing, and then he was gone. [pause] I don't know why I'm talking about this. I never talk about this. Let's play darts.

[Kincaid is driving an inebriated Briscoe home]

Briscoe: You know, it wouldn't be so terrible.

Kincaid: What's that?

Briscoe: If you were my kid.

Kincaid: I guess I should take that as a compliment.

Briscoe: Hey, you're smart, you're pretty, you got a good job, and you don't hate my guts.

Kincaid: Lennie, I doubt your daughter hates you.

Briscoe: You don't know her. [laughs ruefully] I don't know her. I never will.

Lt. Van Buren: [voiceover narration over Kincaid's death scene] A crowd of people stood and cheered when he raped her. They were supposedly good people, and they did nothing. Then he beat her to death with a tire iron. And today, the state of New York got its revenge. It's not enough, and it's too much.

Season 7[edit]

Causa Mortis [7.1][edit]

Ross: I believe in monsters and things that go bump in the night, Jack. May they rot in Hell, along with their attorneys.

McCoy: [about Kincaid's death] You know, a few weeks before it happened, she told me she wanted to quit. I persuaded her to stay.

Briscoe: Yeah, well... I could have walked past that bar.

I.D. [7.2][edit]

McCoy: With all due respect, your honor, when you change the rules of the game in the middle of a trial...

Judge Marks: You're done, Mr. McCoy!

McCoy: ...there ought to be at least the appearance of impartiality!

Judge Marks: Officer, place Mr. McCoy under arrest for contempt of this court!

McCoy: I move for an adjournment so that the People may appeal your honor's ruling!

Judge Marks: Denied! Cuff him!

[the court officers slap the cuffs on McCoy and escort him out of the courtroom]

[Schiff finds McCoy in a holding cell with 3 other men]

Schiff: Nice.

McCoy: Adam. [to his cellmates] Mr. Barton, Mr. Jasperson, Mr. Montoya-- Mr. Schiff.

Schiff: We're in a good mood, aren't we?

McCoy: All except Mr. Jasperson. He was just convicted of murder.

Mr. Jasperson: Yeah, and it was bull. I'm gonna be gettin' outta here soon.

Schiff: Young man, sit down.

Corruption [7.05][edit]

Briscoe: Give me another club soda. And put it in a dirty glass.

Curtis: 5 of us are watching and Flynn's the only one to see Morales reach for his gun.

Briscoe: Hey, Sonny Liston got knocked on his ass by a punch nobody saw.

[Hellman has just ruined Briscoe's ex-lover's reputation in court]

Briscoe: You get off on that, Judge? Humiliating innocent people?

Judge Hellman: Are you upset because your corroborating witness is a liar and a slut?

Briscoe: You sick son of a bitch!

[Briscoe advances on Hellman, whose aides restrain him]

Judge Hellman: What the hell do you think you're doing?

Briscoe: You and Flynn deserve each other. I hope you both rot in hell.

Double Blind [7.06][edit]

Ross: Freedom of the press isn't free, Mr Bailey, but turning over your mailing list won't cost you a cent.

Bailey: I can't believe this: it's extortion.

Ross: It's leverage.

Schiff: A manic-depressive commits suicide - Somebody call Ripley's.

Deadbeat [7.07][edit]

Briscoe: [about Max Schaeffer] If he did kill Webber, he's walkin' around with 50 grand traveling money in his pocket.

Lt. Van Buren: You think he's gonna run out on his grandson the same way the father did?

Curtis: You know, when we saw the kid, he was playin' a video game.

Briscoe: Yeah?

Curtis: A new PlayStation.

Lt. Van Buren: CD drive?

Curtis: Yeah, with, like, 6 games.

Lt. Van Buren: Ooh. Crash Bandicoot?

Briscoe: Uh, excuse me, young parents. My kids' idea of high technology was Barbie's convertible.

Curtis: No, Lennie. We're talkin' 'bout 5, $600 worth of video game here.

Lt. Van Buren: Yeah. Who bought it for him, and when?

Curtis: How many child support payments did you ever miss, Lennie?

Briscoe: My ex just kept my checkbook. If I ever forgot, she knew how to forge my signature.

McCoy: We already got the father.

Ross: But she's guilty too.

McCoy: We put her in jail, her son dies alone.

Ross: Everybody's got a sad story.

McCoy: It won't be an easy case to make. Webber's dead. Her father won't talk.

Ross: We can look for other evidence.

McCoy: You feel burned?

Ross: You feel sorry for her?

McCoy: Call me a sentimental fool. [pause] There's no statute of limitations on murder. We'll keep it. Right on top of the pile.

Family Business [7.08][edit]

McCoy: A murder goes unpunished, it's bad for business.

Curtis: What exactly is your relationship to Kate?

Arbaugh: I'm her philosophical and spiritual exploration guide. And I feed the dogs.

McCoy: Either you lied on the stand, Mr Bergeen, or you lied to the police. There's about 5 felonies we can charge you with. Do you really want to go to jail? [pause] Tell us the truth!

Bergreen: The truth is, I love my daughters. Both of them!

McCoy: We'll see how much they love you.

Entrapment [7.09][edit]

Curtis: Hey, didn't you learn anything from Mister Rogers? A policeman is your best friend.

Books: My people need unity far more than truth.

McCoy: What they need is justice.

Books: What that is depends on which end of the bullwhip you're on.

Legacy [7.10][edit]

DeBakey: Well thanks, Jack. You just conceded there was no affair - I hope the jury was listening!

McCoy: I hope your client's wife was listening; were you, Mrs. Shepard?

Shepard: Hey, she doesn't have to talk to you...

McCoy: She can if she wants to!

Schiff: Gotta be tough, finding out you married your stalker.

Menace [7.11][edit]

[at arraignment]

Clerk: Docket number 454320. People vs. Michael L. McDugan. Charged with murder in the second degree and assault in the first degree.

Crazy Mike: What, they're sayin' it's murder?

Judge Silver: Let's get your plea first, Mr. McDugan.

Crazy Mike: I'm not guilty!

Ross: The People ask bail of half a million, your honor.

Attorney: That's way outta line, your honor. This is at best an assault case.

Ross: The defendant terrorized a 28-year-old woman in the dead of night on a bridge ramp, and with depraved indifference, caused her death.

Attorney: The deceased jumped off a bridge on her own. Period.

Ross: She jumped to get away from Mr. McDugan. He didn't have to push her.

Attorney: She chose to die, your honor. My client isn't accountable for the actions of a disturbed individual.

Judge Silver: Miss Ross, it sounds like you're conceding Mr. McDugan didn't push her.

Ross: He may not have physically pushed her, your honor, but he...

Judge Silver: But what? He levitated her? Thank your lucky stars I'm not the trial judge. Bail is 100,000. [bangs gavel]

Curtis: She left me, Lennie! She took the kids and split. She wants me out of the house.

Briscoe: Why? What happened?

Curtis: I broke my vows with this girl in the park. Just a one-time thing.

Briscoe: How'd Deborah find out?

Curtis: I told her.

Briscoe: Your second mistake.

McCoy: I remember how I felt when I realized my father was a son of a bitch. I can't imagine what it's like to realize you raised one.

Barter [7.12][edit]

Ross: Where would you go if you needed a hitman?

Curtis: [grinning at Briscoe] I'd find an old cop, preferably one with a lot of alimony.

McCoy: Sometimes you have to make deals with the Devil.

Ross: Just as long as you don't get your eyebrows singed.

Matrimony [7.13][edit]

Schiff: [referring to the victim and his wife] He was 74; she was 22?

McCoy: Why, Adam? You want to know if she has a sister?

Darcy: You are as dumb as a bag of hair.

Working Mom [7.14][edit]

Ross: Laney Stevens filed her appeal.

Schiff: She's hoping they'll erect a statue for her on 12th Avenue.

McCoy: Even prostitutes deserve a patron saint.

Ross: It makes me wonder if they convicted her because we made our case or because she's a prostitute.

McCoy: They convicted her. I don't care why.

Stieglitz: [her closing summation] It's not often that Big Brother has to listen to your opinion. It happens every 4 years. And it happens when you have the privilege of sitting in this box. Hillary Colson shopped at Gap Kids. She goes to PTA meetings. She's also a prostitute. I don't like it anymore than you do. It disgusts me. I don't approve of serial adultery. She's endangered the lives of every member of her family in a pathetic search for what? Novelty? To fill a void in her life, maybe? I don't know. But I do know this. If this were a referendum on prostitution, I would say: "Throw her in jail and forget about the key". But it's not! That's not why she's on trial. She is on trial, because she said no to an ex-police officer armed with a Colt revolver and the will to use it! An ex-police officer. Hmm? A bully who used sex to dominate women. She said NO! And she meant it! The bill of rights does not only apply to the June Cleavers of this country. Acquit my client, and you say to Big Brother that any woman, regardless of her character, has got the right to say no, and has got the right to back it up! I'm not asking you to agree with prostitution. But I am begging you to disagree with rape.

McCoy: [his summation] Miss Stieglitz is right. This isn't a referendum on prostitution. It isn't a referendum on rape. You're here to render a verdict on her client's credibility. She says she was raped. What's her evidence? "Keene was a bully. My husband believes me. So should you." In the meantime, she suffered no injuries, she destroyed evidence, she lied to the police. It was only when she was backed into a corner that she cried rape, that she wrapped herself in the right of self-defense. But she wasn't defending her virtue. She didn't shoot Gilbert Keene to keep from performing an act that she had willingly performed on dozens of other men. She killed him to protect a secret. You've all seen what lengths she went to, to avoid Mac Bernum, to hide her identity. Who can blame her? She didn't want to lose her husband, her family, her comfortable home. Those things, she would kill for. But those things do not justify the taking of a life! The threat of deadly physical force does, or rape does, or kidnapping, or robbery. But none of those things happened in that car. What happened in that car was a cold and calculated thing. A woman killed her blackmailer, not her rapist. That's who Gilbert Keene was. That's how he got sex. He didn't rape those other women. He blackmailed them. I don't want you to convict her because she's a prostitute. I'm asking you to convict her, because her story is a lie.

D-Girl [7.15][edit]

Heiss: Who told you she had breast implants?

Briscoe: We're the police. We know everything.

Briscoe: [to Dr. Levine] This isn't the planet of the Barbie dolls, Doc. Your average citizen knows these ladies have pumped-up ta-tas! What we have is a decapitated body and a killer walkin' around.

Turnaround [7.16][edit]

[a judge in L.A. has just ruled to nullify an extradition order]

McCoy: Speak up, Your Honor. There are some people in the Bronx who didn't hear you.

Schiff: I want you to kick the livin' daylights outta Neal Gorton. You can dig up Thomas Dewey to help ya! You're gonna win this case. Whatever you have to do, I want a conviction!

Showtime [7.17][edit]

Ross: [looks at her watch] God. Look at the time. I gotta go.

McCoy: We're not quite done here.

Ross: I shouldn't have been away from Katie this long. I'm due in family court in 3 days.

McCoy: We have to go back to Judge Callahan in 12 hours.

Ross: I'm sorry!

McCoy: Where are your priorities?! If Gorton gets ahold of this stuff, he'll come up with some cockamamie alternate theory of the crime. A murderer could walk free!

Ross: And I could lose my daughter! You know what, Jack?! That's an easy decision!

McCoy: Not for an Assistant District Attorney!

Ross: Fine! I quit!

[she leaves the office in a huff and slams the door]

McCoy: What's your current movie about, Mr. Newman? Talking bears?

Newman: Yes.

McCoy: A daring Neorealist foray into Jellystone Park? Does that fulfill your promise as an artist?

Newman: No!

McCoy: Heidi Ellison was keeping you from fulfilling that promise, wasn't she?

Newman: Not just her. Do you know what kinda crap they wanted me to make?

McCoy: But especially her. She could've let you make Madame Bovary, couldn't she?

Newman: Yes!

McCoy: But she didn't, did she?

Newman: She gave me a choice. The bears or a picture about a dog who's granted 3 wishes. I couldn't believe it!

McCoy: You couldn't believe what, Mr. Newman?

Newman: I had an actress, a bankable actress, who was attached to Bovary. But Heidi gives her $12,000,000 to do an asteroid movie instead, because our marriage didn't work out! [jumps out of his seat and raises his sword] That vindictive bitch! I could've made something!!

[everyone in the courtroom stares at him, causing Newman to sit back down and face-palm]

McCoy: [his closing summation] Everyone likes a good story. Eddie Newman has made a career putting stories on film. And the defense in this case has told you a very good story about a sleazy psychiatrist and a man who believed he'd committed a murder, but recently realized that he didn't. What actually happened here is less complicated and far more sordid. A bitter, angry man viciously killed his ex-wife, dismembered her while she was still alive, and then lied about it. There's no clever twist to the plot. It's just the messy, ugly truth. Mr. Gorton has appealed to what he calls reasonable doubt. But reasonable doubt is not any doubt. God has given you all the gift of common sense. Use it. [picks up Newman's sword] Eddie Newman used this weapon to hack to death, not the woman he claimed he loved, but the woman he calls a vindictive bitch. Find him guilty of murder.

[after Newman's conviction and sentencing]

McCoy: Anybody wanna join me for a drink?

Curtis: Not me. I'm having supper with my wife.

Briscoe: I've got a date. She's no Lisa Lundquist, but she's all right.

McCoy: [to the ADA] I know, dinner with Katie.

Ross: Whenever possible. Tonight, it's possible. [leaves the office]

Schiff: Started with a killing, ending with an execution. You got what you wanted. Take the rest of the week off.

McCoy: It's Friday, Adam.

Schiff: So it is. See you Monday.

Mad Dog [7.18][edit]

Schiff: [about McCoy's prosecution strategy] It's legally brilliant! Sure to be a hit with the public. And you have no business trying it.

Darnell: [about his stash of violent pornography] Hey, some people like vanilla, I like Rocky Road.

Double Down [7.19][edit]

Curtis: So he walks for killing a cop but does hard time for killing a cop killer?

McCoy: An irony he can savor for the next 25 years in Attica.

Curtis: What if I had testified that you told us to shut up?

McCoy: It would have hurt. At least you got to dodge the question by calling me an idiot.

Curtis: Yeah, that helped.

We Like Mike [7.20][edit]

[Briscoe and Curtis talk to the owner of the donut shop while investigating Matthew Sherman's murder]

Donut shop owner: How perfect is this? Cops talkin' to a donut guy.

Curtis: Yeah. Tell us about the customer who came in just before the girl. The one who cleaned his hands?

Donut shop owner: Barely a customer. He takes about 50 napkins, and then he starts to leave. Well, after I call him on it, he orders a coffee, then thinks he's a big shot, because he tips be a quarter.[hands Briscoe his wastebasket] What I lost on napkins, I barely broke even!

[Briscoe extracts the dirty napkins Mike threw out from the wastebasket and hands them to another cop]

Briscoe: Take these down to the lab.

Cop: Right.

Briscoe: [to the shop owner] Did he mention his name or say where he was comin' from or goin' to?

Donut shop owner: Nothin', except "gimme a coffee", and how if he wasn't gettin' married next week, he'd be puttin' the moves on the girl, which I thought that was outta line. But I didn't say anything, because it's not my business. My business is sellin' donuts.

Briscoe: Thanks for clearin' that up.

Mike: Okay, there was another guy. About halfway down the block from where I left the car. A Puerto Rican guy.

Curtis: Yeah, that's how we solve homicides too. Nearest Puerto Rican did it.

Ricky: Can I say how I didn't mean to do it?

Briscoe: You mean how you only shot him 'cause he wouldn't give you his watch? Yeah, yeah. The DA'll like that.

Past Imperfect [7.22][edit]

Burke: Women in their 40s, they're like money - you change 'em for 2 20s.

Schiff: Nice going, you made her cry. That ought to win you points in the jury room.

McCoy: Sure, she had a rough childhood and I feel sorry for her. And if she hadn't left her mother to bleed to death on the floor, I'd give her a great big hug.

Terminal [7.23][edit]

[After the shooting, Curtis finds writing on a car window]

Curtis: "Kill Zionists."

Briscoe: Good thing he wasn't a better shot.

Briscoe: [searching a suspect's apartment] Good champagne, but it's dusty.

Curtis: And this caviar has mold.

Season 8[edit]

Thrill [8.1][edit]

Briscoe: Dale! Now, let's do this the easy way. All right? Just open the door, and come out nice and slow!

Tagger: I can't.

Curtis: We're not gonna hurt you.

Tagger: I got no pants.

Curtis: It's just us guys out here, Dale. Nothin' we haven't seen before.

Tagger: Either I get my pants, or I don't come out.

Briscoe: [grabs Tagger's pants] All right, Dale. Here. Here. Look out the keyhole now. See? Here's your pants. Now, I'm tossin' 'em to ya.

[he drops the pants in front of the bathroom door]

Briscoe: All you have to do is reach out and grab 'em. Go ahead.

Tagger: Okay. I'm openin' up the door.

[he opens the door; Curtis knocks the door into his head]

Tagger: OW! No! Liar! I want my pants!

Curtis: [takes him away] Why, Dale? I don't see anything here worth covering up.

[Van Buren and her detectives, disguised as gang members, stake out Central Park in an attempt to find Tagger and Timon]

Briscoe: Okay. So the rumble in the jungle-- The night before, Angelo Dundee gets a big wrench and goes around all 4 corners and loosens the top. That's the Rope-a-Dope!

Lt. Van Buren: But it was Muhammad Ali who did the floatin' and the stingin'. The man was sweet! A poet!

Gang Member: A real poet is Milton. You wanna understand the ways of God, Milton's your boy.

Briscoe: When it comes to understandin' the ways of God, I prefer malt to Milton.

Lt. Van Buren: I know! That's right! [laughs and high-fives Briscoe]

Schiff: Clarence Darrow had Leopold and Loeb. Who do we have?

McCoy: Beavis and Butthead.

Ross: The Church protects murderers, the law says 2 people can fire the same bullet, and the victim's mother forgives her son's killers. You figure it out.

McCoy: You don't think you could? Forgive them, I mean?

Ross: No.

McCoy: Neither could I. What does that say about us?

Denial [8.2][edit]

Curtis: [about Christina Talbert's pregnancy] How could a mother miss something like that?

Lt. Van Buren: Wait till your daughters grow up.

Ross: A baby's dead and no one's responsible.

Schiff: No one was responsible when it was alive, either.

Navy Blues [8.3][edit]

Briscoe: So what happened to the dog?

Officer: It's with my partner.

Briscoe: Where's your partner?

Officer: Lincoln Hospital. Paramedics couldn't pry the dog from his butt.

Briscoe: What kind of dog?

Officer: Chihuahua.

Briscoe: Let me know how they word the commendation.

[A celebrated female pilot is discovered to be a fraud]

Ross: It's like finding out Amelia Earhart flew to Bakersfield and hid out for 50 years.

McCoy: I got over Pete Rose.

Harvest [8.4][edit]

Sutter: I got bent over a chair by Miss Ross before. Now I'm getting another tingling sensation in my butt. Why is that?

Ross: ...wishful thinking?

Judge Torledsky: Bail, Miss Ross?

Ross: $500,000 on the doctor, your honor, and status quo for Mr. Camacho.

Sutter: I'm sorry. I still don't see why we're here.

Ross: People request the cases against Mr. Camacho and Dr. Cosgrove be consolidated.

Hilburne: On what grounds?

Ross: The People allege they both killed Nancy O'Neal.

Dr. Cosgrove: What? Me and this gangster?!

Hilburne: Your honor, Dr. Cosgrove is a respected surgeon!

Judge Torledsky: Enough! Elias Camacho remains remanded. Bail is set for Donald Cosgrove at $500,000. Now, go yell at somebody else. [bangs gavel]

Nullification [8.5][edit]

Ross: Governments are like elephants - they never forget.

Christie: Admit it, Mr. McCoy - we won.

McCoy: You didn't win. The system you want to destroy did.

Baby, It's You [8.6][edit]

Dr. Skoda: You're about to look into a very ugly corner of the human heart. Bring a shovel.

Shadow [8.7][edit]

Harmon: It went too far; I am sorry about that. Try to understand, Jamie.

Ross: It's not in the job description.

Burned [8.9][edit]

Briscoe: OK, let me see if I got this straight: Stanley Somebody who's a fashion photographer someplace, lives in some appartment probably in a building at 114th and Riverside, and has a message about a murder of somebody who might be named Dee-dee.

Rattinger: That's right!

Briscoe: Yeah, thanks for coming in.

Ross: [about Anderton] Last year he made a surprise takeover bid for Commonwealth Airlines. One week later, he withdrew the bid, and accused the FAA and the stockholders of conspiring against him. It's classic manic-depressive behavior.

Schiff: Doesn't make sense. Runs a Fortune 500 company.

McCoy: So did Howard Hughes.

Ritual [8.10][edit]

Briscoe: [about Van Buren's lawyer] Who's she, the new community affairs liaison?

Lt. Van Buren: [evasive] No. What do you have?

Curtis: Come on, L.T. What's up?

Lt. Van Buren: Better you hear it from me. She's my lawyer. I was up for captain. One Police Plaza passed me over.

Briscoe: You're suing the department?

Lt. Van Buren: Title VII -- they promoted a white woman with the same score on the exam. I have the seniority.

Briscoe: I'm sorry we asked.

McCoy: Who's the judge?

Schiff: Sawyer.

McCoy: The one who returned those 2 kids back to their crackhead mother?

Schiff: Who later beat them to death. Yes, it's the same Sawyer.

Under the Influence [8.11][edit]

[Briscoe and Curtis have just found proof that a suspect's car was involved in a hit and run]

Briscoe: Your car came back from Russia, Bernie, with love.

McCoy: He kills 3 people and hides behind the bottle.

Ross: The law says he can.

McCoy: The law. [scoffs] Probably written on a cocktail napkin. Intent follows the bullet! It shouldn't matter if it was fired by a drunk or Carrie Nation.

Expert [8.12][edit]

Schiff: The whole world says her father's a murderer, one guy tells her he's sick. She heard what she wanted to hear.

Ross: We all do.

McCoy: Yeah, but we don't all pay $40,000 to hear it.

McCoy: Gentlemen, the question remains: at the time of the murder, did she appreciate the consequences of her actions?

Skoda: Yes.

Mayer: No.

Ross: Terrific.

Castoff [8.13][edit]

Chandler: In those S&M scenes, they were rehearsing what happened to them.

Presssman: He's something, isn't he?

McCoy: So was Ted Bundy.

McCoy: Mr. Pressman is right: This is not a First Amendment issue. We can all agree that what we see powerfully affects us, but that doesn't excuse us from being decent human beings, or from making moral choices. What we choose to watch, and how we react, is up to us. The baby boom generation, to which Congressman Maxwell and I both belong, grew up watching hundreds of hours of violent TV. We dressed up like Davy Crockett, with his trusty rifle, Old Betsy. Like Hopalong Cassidy, with his pearl-handled 6-shooters. And what was the result of all this make-believe TV-inspired violence? We grew up to be a generation that marched against war, and preached peace, love, and flower power. And yes, Mr. Pressman watched the Vietnam War on TV, and how did that change him? I looked up his record. He became a conscientious objector, and a Harvard Law professor. Dangerous guy, huh? We are creatures of free will and moral choice. No matter what we see, read, or hear, we still make choices. Eddie Chandler, a man who murdered and tortured 2 innocent people, chose evil.

Grief [8.14][edit]

[McCoy is prosecuting a woman who allegedly paid a man to impregnate her comatose daughter]

Harry: What good will all this do?

McCoy: Mr. Singer, your wife and Mr. Harding plunged into a moral quagmire that the law can only begin to address. Maybe they'll both drown in it.

Faccia a Faccia [8.15][edit]

Dr. Skoda: Al Napoli, the Diaper Don!

Schiff: [after a guilty verdict] Let's go inform the public of the good news. Happy faces, everyone...

Divorce [8.16][edit]

Ross: They discussed the plan over dinner.

McCoy: "Have some more wine. By the way, we have to kill him now."

Mr. Burke: [after Atkins' allocution] You killed my wife to win a divorce case, and you're SORRY?!!

Stalker [8.18][edit]

Lt. Van Buren: [having heard of Briscoe's testimony] Where the hell do you get off pullin' a stunt like this?

Briscoe: They were gonna dismiss the charges.

Lt. Van Buren: So you lied to a judge?

Briscoe: I didn't lie.

Lt. Van Buren: I'm lookin' at the transcript, Lennie. You're an inch away from perjury!

Briscoe: More like a foot, foot and a half.

Lt. Van Buren: [slams the transcript on her desk] I am not laughing. How dare you go behind my back on somethin' like this.

Briscoe: We owe this girl something. We called her a liar, and we sent her straight into Lowery's arms. Well, I don't think she lied, and that's what I said.

Curtis: And thanks to you, Lowery's gonna walk.

Briscoe: What the hell's that supposed to mean? I stopped him from walking.

Curtis: What, for a couple of minutes? His lawyer just subpoenaed me to testify at the trial. For the defense!

Briscoe: Fine! So back me up.

Lt. Van Buren: One of my detectives lying under oath is more than enough! Thank you! That's it!

Ross: Did you lie?

Curtis: Look, I felt sorry for her. I didn't think that she should get fired from her job.

Ross: Is that a yes? You lied?

Curtis: Yes.

Ross: Are you lying now?

Disappeared [8.19][edit]

Coffee Shop Clerk: Anyway, how about a free large latte on the house?

Briscoe: [gestures to Curtis] Maybe for the kid here, but I'd like a regular coffee.

Coffee Shop Clerk: Okay, how would you like it?

Briscoe: Uh, regular?

Melnick: You turning soft on me, Jack?

McCoy: You know I'm a sucker for an execution. I'm just here for the tortellini.

Burden [8.20][edit]

[Briscoe and Curtis question Joe Sutter, who is suspected of killing his quadriplegic son]

Briscoe: Look what's happened to your beautiful family. Your wife is sleeping with some dance instructor, your daughter is one step away from living on the street, and you have no money, and it's all because of that kid!

Joe: You don't know me, if you knew me, you would see...

Briscoe: Oh, I know you. If you had the stones...

Curtis: You don't know this man, Lennie. This isn't about money or adultery or anything like that, is it, Joe? My wife's got MS. I picture her life 10 years from now, and it kills me because it might not be a pretty picture. You picture your son. He used to be strong. Played soccer, yeah?

Joe: Yes.

Curtis: My wife used to run 3 miles every morning. Did you imagine Michael at 20 years old, 40 years old, still in the same bedroom, still in the same tortured pain?

Joe: [choked up] Yeah.

Curtis: Me, too. And you wanna know the worst part? I know why it's happening. It's my fault. God is punishing her for something I did.

Joe: No, you can't think that way!

Curtis: I try to tell myself that. I try to think that. But every time I look at her, I feel the guilt. Every time I look at my daughters, and think about what they're going to lose... Someone you love is in pain. They have no hope. What can you do to help this person? How often have you asked yourself this question? Every time you bathe him?

Joe: [in tears] Every time I kiss him goodnight.

Curtis: And you knew there was only one way out. You had to do it. You had to do it because you loved him. Let it go. It was an act of love, Joe.

Joe: [sobs] I love Michael! Maybe I... but I didn't do this. I didn't kill him.

Joe: Can I leave?

Lt. Van Buren: Not for another 30 years.

McCoy: This case is not a debate about euthanasia. It's about a thrill-killing by a monster masquerading as an angel of mercy. Michael Sutter is dead. He was murdered. That's all that matters.

Bad Girl [8.21][edit]

Lt. Van Buren: You want to take me on, little girl? Well, let me tell you something: you better be packing more than a dirty mouth.

Anderton: Remember what LBJ said when they were hammering him about Vietnam? 'Felt like a hitch-hiker on a highway in a Texas hailstorm, can't run, can't hide, can't make it stop.' I'm putting you on that highway, Adam.

Damaged [8.22][edit]

Judge Wright: Does the defense wish to make a motion?

Painter: CPL 290.10. The defense moves to set aside the jury's verdict.

McCoy: Objection! The prosecution proved its case!

Judge Wright: What case, Mr. McCoy? Have we gone so far down the road of political correctness that sex between willing partners is now called rape?! The girl said yes!

McCoy: She has the mind of a child!

Judge Wright: Well, she's mature enough to be plenty intrigued by her own sexuality. Face it, counselor. She had the time of her life. Case dismissed.

Judge Wright: Now, Valerie, Hayden called you a retard, and you told him you weren't. Is that right?

Valerie: Yes, sir.

Judge Wright: And after that, did he keep on calling you a retard?

Valerie: No.

Judge Wright: Did you like what the boys did to you?

Valerie: I did what I wanted.

Painter: Your honor, the defense requests you deny the state's motion to reverse your prior ruling.

Judge Wright: Granted.

McCoy: You set aside the jury's verdict, because you unfairly held the state responsible for proving the boys' prior knowledge. The state has now done so, and you STILL refuse?!!

Judge Wright: Mr. McCoy, it's over! There is no case here. There never was!

McCoy: How would you know?! You made up your mind before you heard the first word of testimony!

Judge Wright: You're on thin ice, counselor! The defense request is granted! The state's motion is denied! You want to appeal?! Be my guest!

[after seeing Cathy's dead body]

Briscoe: She was my baby, Rey! What am I gonna do?

Curtis: Come home with me, partner.

Tabloid [8.23][edit]

Lowry: Look, what he likes me to do, you can't get pregnant from, okay?

Ross: I see Abbot isn't trying to keep the press from doing its job today.

McCoy: Today, it's news.

Monster [8.24][edit]

Lt. Van Buren: 5 more teams to cover 1 shift. That's all I need.

Commander Dietz: Can't spare them.

Lt. Van Buren: I bet if this was some 5-year-old white beauty queen, you'd be out there ringing the doorbells yourself.

Commander Dietz: This has nothing to do with race.

Lt. Van Buren: Then it's me. My lawsuit.

Commander Dietz: Anita, don't get emotional.

Lt. Van Buren: Are you all so petty that you'd endanger the lives of the people we're supposed to protect?

Commander Dietz: Petty? The department has better ways to spend its resources than defending itself against petty lawsuits.

Lt. Van Buren: I was within my rights. The department promoted a white woman with less seniority. Maybe you all forgot, but we can sit at the lunch counter now!

McCoy: Doctor, you'll probably get a call from an attorney named Considine. He represents Jesse Castillo. He'll ask about Malika's condition. I'd like you to tell him that Malika has become aware of her surroundings, and the chances of her recovery are good. I know what I'm asking you to do.

Dr. Charters: Good. Then you know why I can't.

McCoy: You know more than anyone what was done to that little girl.

Dr. Charters: Yes, but I have an ethical duty...

McCoy: So do I. Mine is stopping monsters like Jesse Castillo, and yours is keeping more Malika Richardsons from turning up in your emergency room.

Season 9[edit]

Cherished [9.1][edit]

[New ADA Abbie Carmichael has just had a 7 year old boy with Attachment Disorder arrested for murdering his adopted baby sister, without consulting McCoy.]

McCoy: I hear you're adding a children's wing to Death Row.

McCoy: I could probably get an indictment for manslaughter.

Carmichael: Manslaughter?! They never gave that baby a chance. They faked an identity for her. They never told anyone she needed medical attention.

Schiff: I don't see any intent here to kill this baby.

Carmichael: It's depraved indifference. Murder-2. They knew the baby was going to die. They didn't care one way or the other.

Schiff: Assumption. Charge them with Man-one.

Carmichael: We send a message that it's sort of okay to kill a baby? This isn't a couple of teenagers who killed their newborn because they were scared. These are 2 adults who went to a lot of trouble to dump a dying child and to cover their tracks. I may be the new kid here, but to me this sounds like murder.

[McCoy and Carmichael disagree on whether or not to accept a plea bargain]

McCoy: 3-6 years in a state prison is not a cake walk. How many drug dealers got a free pass from you?

Carmichael: The ones who could give me someone bigger in return. All the Connerys have to offer is their plea bargain remorse. She's still trying to blame it on Kostov. Did you see her husband cut her off?

McCoy: She is the least culpable of the 3.

Carmichael: [exasperated] Oh gentlemen, please. That sorry excuse for a woman has a hole in her soul.

Schiff: That's enough.

McCoy: I can take care of myself Adam.

Schiff: Then remain objective. It was Edward Connery's actions that directly caused the little girl's death; and he's an attorney. He knew what he was doing.

McCoy: The Connerys will never do this again. Kostov has and will, over and over again.

Schiff: Are Kostov's children better off in the new homes?

Carmichael: All but Marianna. [beat] I have a solution that will make us all happy.

McCoy: What's that?

Carmichael: No deals for anybody. Let's hang 'em all.

Carmichael: Man-1 all around. I'll start working on the pre-sentencing reports. Any suggestions?

McCoy: You mean you should spend more time in prison, Kostov or the Connerys? Don't get me started.

Carmichael: We can always skip the report. Take no position and leave it to the judge.

McCoy: [wearily] Let's do that. For the sake of world peace.

Carmichael: The Waring's filed a petition to get their son back. We have until the end of the week to file our objections.

McCoy: [Holds his hand out] Can you and I agree that we're too busy?

Carmichael: [Turns his hand up and slaps it] Deal. [walks off]

DWB [9.2][edit]

Briscoe: Good old Ray-Ray. The trick was giving him a number he couldn't forget. 3: rhymes with "squeegee".

McCoy: Your first death sentence! You OK with it?

Carmichael: I only have one thing bothering me. Ray-Ray, the squeegee man? The cops told him which one was Fortelli.

McCoy: I know, I told them to. Perfectly legal. We were never going to use the identification at trial anyway.

Carmichael: Legal or not --

McCoy: Major felonies, Abbie. Welcome to the bigs.

Bait [9.3][edit]

Rivera: Are you gonna take the word of a dope dealer over a cop?

Curtis: Wearing a badge doesn't make you a cop!

Curtis: [about Rivera] Guy protects his turf.

Briscoe: He probably pees a circle around his desk every morning.

Flight [9.4][edit]

Briscoe: Aaron Downing, you're under arrest for the murder of Ryan Downing. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you do say can and will be used against you. You have the right to an attorney. If you can't afford an attorney . . .

Curtis: Lennie, you can skip the next part, he's got a wad of cash, his passport, an airline ticket to the Fiji Islands.

Briscoe: This way, Robinson Crusoe.

McCoy: [about Downing] He's the man in the gray flannel suit.

Carmichael: With a syringe in the pocket.

Allgen C.E.O.: This is just about the Downing boy.

Carmichael: Yeah, just one dead little boy. That help you sleep better?

Agony [9.5][edit]

[Carmichael wants to break the law to convict a serial killer]

McCoy: The New York County District Attorney's Office can't - no, won't - knowingly convict a man of the wrong crime. What are you thinking?

Carmichael: I'm just taking a page from the Jack McCoy playbook! Nobody gets to bend the rules but you?

McCoy: I've bent the rules to convict the right person of the right crime. This isn't bending, it's turning the law against itself.

Carmichael: You once hid a witness to get the result you wanted!

McCoy: And I was wrong then. You're wrong now. Don't wait until until you're facing a disciplinary committee to realize it!

Carmichael: A week from tomorrow, you'll be on a plane, sandwiched between 2 of Houston's finest.

Bergstrom: [panicked] You can't do this!

Carmichael: You'll have a speedy trial. Your lawyer will file a couple of appeals. He'll lose. And before you know it, bang, there's that pesky needle.

Bergstrom: [to McCoy] What are you doing? You're just sitting there. Make her shut up!

McCoy: Miss Carmichael...

Carmichael: I'm not done. I'm going to be there, and if they'd let me do it, I'd push one of the plungers, and pray it's the one that delivers the fatal dose.

Bergstrom: Get her out of here! Get her out!

Carmichael: How does it feel, Mr. Bergstrom? You killed all those women, and now a woman is going to return the favor.

Bergstrom: You won't...

Carmichael: Pretty damn ironic, isn't it?

Bergstrom: You won't kill me, I won't let you.

Carmichael: Try and stop me.

Bergstrom: I'll plead to one of the other ones. The one by the train tracks.

Lazar: Hang on...

McCoy: Murder-1, life without parole.

Lazar: Mr. Bergstrom...

Bergstrom: Yeah, okay! She doesn't say what happens to me!

Carmichael: [pause] Fine. If you change your mind, I'll be waiting...

Bergstrom: No, you sit! You listen to what I did to her. [with relish] I cut her, and she screamed. I burned her, and she screamed louder. I pushed my fist into her, and she passed out. I made her say she admired me. I had total control. Total!

Scrambled [9.6][edit]

[A fertility doctor has been murdered]

Curtis: Who might have had a grudge against this place?

Kravitz: The Pope.

Briscoe: I thought my sex life was complicated when I had to wear a condom.

Purcell: Why are they arguing about embryos when my wife is dead? Sarah was not a "potential" human being!

Venom [9.7][edit]

Pollock: [seeing Skoda stand up] What are you doing?

Skoda: I'm going to write my report.

Pollock: You didn't even listen to me.

Skoda: Oh well... trust me, I've heard it all before.

Carmichael: It's your wife or your mother, Denny. It doesn't get any simpler than that.

Punk [9.8][edit]

[Carmichael cross-examines an inmate who had been raped by a corrections officer]

Alice: I was ashamed.

Carmichael: Why would you feel ashamed if it wasn't your fault?

Alice: Have you ever been raped, Miss Carmichael? Maybe I felt stupid for being where Charlie Tyner could rape me.

Carmichael: [taken aback] So now you blame yourself.

Alice: Yes.

Carmichael: But now, instead of punishing yourself, you punish Charlie Tyner.

Alice: No, no...

Carmichael: You had Luis Pachenko force him to his knees...

Alice: He was killing me!

Carmichael: ...And beg for his life.

Alice: I just wanted to go home to my daughter. Charlie knew that, he was using that! I was just scared all the time! Can't you understand that? He had all the power! I was nothing!

McCoy: Need a lift?

Carmichael: Go ahead. I'll call a cab. I need to... take a breath.

McCoy: Want to talk about it? [pause] Or not. Whatever you feel comfortable with.

[Carmichael turns to leave, but suddenly turns back]

Carmichael: I was a freshman. He was a third-year law student. We were on a date... [choked up] I never told anybody. I blamed myself. But not anymore.

True North [9.9][edit]

Bank Manager: I believe you're aware the Canadian government has instructed me not to comply with this subpoena.

Carmichael: That's nice. Are they going to send the Canadian army down here to help you carry your money and computers home?

Manager: I beg your pardon?

Carmichael: This bank is in New York county. [points] Those detectives are going to take it apart brick by brick to look for the documentation we've subpoenaed.

Manager: That doesn't make sense. The transfer you're interested in originated in Ontario.

Carmichael: These detectives are about to search every account file, every computer disk. It'll take a couple of weeks. You can close the bank down now.

Carmichael: We got Stephanie Harker's letter request to transfer $50,000 to Doris Nichols. It came by courier from Muskoka.

McCoy: [surprised] They caved.

Carmichael: Morals are morals. Money is money.

McCoy: Who are you going to shake down to get her car, the Royal Autoclub?

Carmichael: "Nice" for Stephanie seems to mean she hasn't killed you yet.

McCoy: Your good friend Wendy told us that you'd been dumped before. Is that right?

Stephanie: It happens.

McCoy: By a rich boy who treated you like trash. Your father owned a souvenir stand, right?

Stephanie: Yes.

McCoy: Is that why the boy dumped you?

Stephanie: There is nothing wrong with the souvenir stand.

McCoy: Then why were you so desperate to get out of there?

Stephanie: I had some bad memories.

McCoy: Of being dumped because you were poor trash?

Stephanie: Look, I was an idiot! He wanted one thing: My body, and he got it!

McCoy: You weren't gonna let that happen again, were you?

Stephanie: No!

McCoy: From then on, you were going to be the one using people.

Stephanie: I don't use people!

McCoy: How 'bout the used car king? How 'bout your husband?

Stephanie: I helped my husband in a lot of ways!

McCoy: The chairman of a multi-million-dollar software company? How exactly does a drug-whacked daughter of a souvenir stand owner help him?!

Stephanie: There were plenty of things my husband didn't understand. Him and his friends. Jane Austen, like that matters.

McCoy: He understood you, though, didn't he?

Stephanie: What do you mean?

McCoy: He finally understood that you were just a hick town party girl who didn't belong here.

Paulsen: Objection! He's harassing the witness.

Judge Manheim: Sustained. Watch it, Mr. McCoy.

Stephanie: I belong here as much as any of them!

McCoy: Did he tell you he was shipping you out?!

Stephanie: Nobody ships me anywhere!

McCoy: He'd be able to face his friends again, wouldn't he?

Stephanie: Bunch of snobs!

Paulsen: Your honor, may we have a recess?

McCoy: It's not being a snob if they're really better than you!

Stephanie: The women were jealous of me! The men all wanted to get me in bed!

McCoy: And you were happy to oblige!

Stephanie: No! Not anymore! Nobody takes advantage of me anymore!

McCoy: You were on your way back to that souvenir stand, weren't you?! Where you belong?

Stephanie: I am smarter than all of them! They had it handed to them! I had to work for it! They think I was trash! They don't know anything!!

Hate [9.10][edit]

Stymons: We kick ass for the white race!

Briscoe: Don't look so pleased with yourself.

Willis: Hate's not good. It's just necessary.

Ramparts [9.11][edit]

Carmichael: [annoyed that McCoy is willing to plea out a murder suspect in return for secret police files] For God's sake, Jack, why don't you just start your own country? No cops, no bad guys, just sweetness and light as far as the eye can see!

McCoy: If the police department doesn't want to be embarrassed by its behavior, perhaps it shouldn't behave that way!

Haven [9.12][edit]

Briscoe: [about Affirmative Action] You wouldn't have gotten any complaints from me; it came in after I joined the department and it'll still be there when I'm gone.

Curtis: Well you wouldn't have liked my answers. When I was filling out my application, when it asked about race, I checked 'none of the above'.

Carmichael: Well I'd like to think I got where I am on my own merit.

Lt. Van Buren: So would I, but I got 2,000 pages of legal documents that say contrary.

Schiff: This kid killed the man that was helping him. Until you can tell me why, you can have all the forensic evidence in the world, you won't get a conviction.

Hunters [9.13][edit]

Difka: Always eatin' our dust, huh, Briscoe?

[Briscoe punches him]

Briscoe: Don't even think about it!

McCoy: No crime, no cover up. 3 people dead, and no one's accountable.

Schiff: Justice on a budget. What'd you end up charging them with?

Carmichael: Tampering with evidence. An E felony.

Schiff: Oh.

Carmichael: We arraigned them, they posted bail. $2,000. Then they walk away from 3 murders.

McCoy: We can always hope they jump bail.

Sideshow [9.14][edit]

Munch: I don't believe a woman is gay until she personally rejects me.

Woman in bar: You must know a lot of lesbians!

Munch: Place is negative for condoms, or any kind of contraceptive devices. Ditto peekaboo bras, Merry Widows, any Doc Johnson products. This lady had no discernible sex life!

Briscoe: Maybe she enjoyed solitaire

Disciple [9.15][edit]

Schiff: Whatever happened to sending the kid to her room?

Carmichael: They tried that. The mother kept her chained to a radiator.

Carmichael: There's no church here! Rose Hallacy was a loose cannon!

McCoy: Who didn't take a dime from Margot Gracen or anybody else, ministered to these people out of the goodness of her heart, gave up worldly things to do the work of God.

Carmichael: Spoken like a parochial schoolboy.

McCoy: 6 years at St. Ignatius.

Carmichael: Did they teach you how to do exorcisms, Jack?

McCoy: They taught us to have a healthy respect for the devil.

Carmichael: The only devil in this case is the woman we're trying for murder.

Harm [9.16][edit]

Carmichael: Doctors. I can't believe my mother wanted me to marry one.

McCoy: It may be time to make the best deal we can with all of them. 2 years probation, a fine.

Carmichael: Oh, a fine! Ouch! Those poor doctors might have to hock one of their Porsche's.

McCoy: Abby, there isn't much of a case left.

Carmichael: But there's still a victim! Jack, she went in a healthy woman, she came out a corpse!

McCoy: Between the 2 of us, depraved indifference is a reach. Criminally negligent homicide is a gift! I wouldn't squander it.

Carmichael: You make excuses, I'll make the case.

Defense Attorney: Ms. Carmichael, we'd like to discuss a deal.

Carmichael: Why should I cut your client a break?

Defense Attorney: Well, you haven't proven negligence yet.

Carmichael: But here you are.

Shield [9.17][edit]

Carmichael: Did Pelham ever complain to internal affairs about her? That she assaulted him or was stalking him?

IA Lieutenant: We don't have anything on file like that. We got reports she spends a lot of time in the gym with her fellow female officers.

McCoy: Your point?

IA Lieutenant: Maybe she's got a problem with men.

Carmichael: Thank you for dropping by, lieutenant. Careful you don't get carpet burns on your knuckles.

Carmichael: After 6 years, I still don't know what cops are about.

McCoy: I grew up with one. I don't know, either.

Carmichael: Well, they're real good at circling the wagons to protect themselves from the likes of us.

McCoy: And who protects them from each other?

Juvenile [9.18][edit]

McCoy: Andrew Hampton accepted our offer. Attempted Man 1, 6-12 years in jail.

Carmichael: Well hopefully his sister will be joining him.

McCoy: You don't think he can convince a jury Nicole put him up to it?

Carmichael: I think she'll toss her hair back a few times and convince them she didn't.

McCoy: Really cynical, Abby.

Carmichael: Your honor, the defendant was identified by the witness and can be linked to the weapon. It's a matter of luck he's not here facing a murder charge. The People request half a million dollars bail.

Andrew's attorney: Something more reasonable, your honor?

Judge Torledsky: 150, cash or bond. [to the stenographer] That's thousands, Arthur. May 15th. Next.

Tabula Rasa [9.19][edit]

McCoy: It's Jonestown without the Kool-Aid.

Briscoe: I'd hate to have somebody track me by what I read.

Curtis: You read, Lennie?

Empire [9.20][edit]

Ludlow: The line between charming someone out of $1,000,000 and being perceived as a charity whore sometimes gets blurred.

Ludlow: You don't get it, Curtis. 100 years from now we're all ashes and dust, and no one will remember who slept with whom, or who was naughty and who was nice. They'll look up at that incredible piece of steel and concrete and know that I was a part of it.

Curtis: The first public building named after a convicted murderer.

Ludlow: Hardly the first. The Parthenon, the Temple of the Vestals - they have names of emperors on them. And talk about murderers.

Curtis: Pro bono publico?

Ludlow: Relax, detective. The empire isn't going to fall tonight. Go home to your wife.

Ambitious [9.21][edit]

Stripper: Can you guys make it quick? I gotta cram for my psych exam before the happy hour crunch!

Curtis: Wouldn't you do better in a library?

Stripper: Hey, I'm covering my tuition and fulfilling a public service.

Briscoe: Oh, which one's that?

Stripper: Read the literature. Clubs like this, they boost a man's testosterone level. He leaves here feeling confident. More productive...

Briscoe: ...and broke.

Stripper: Then everybody's happy!

Briscoe: You recognize this girl?

Pizza guy: She an actress?

Briscoe: She moonlights at a hooter bar when she's not playing Lady Macbeth.

Admissions [9.22][edit]

McCoy: Any indication it's Clemente?

Carmichael: The cops asked him for a DNA sample, he refused.

McCoy: Did he have a reason?

Carmichael: Outrage. He says the suspicion of him is racist.

Schiff: Only Hispanic professor on a white campus. Could be he's right.

Carmichael: Could be he did it.

McCoy: Let's make sure we're not trashing this man's reputation just because he's uncooperative.

Carmichael: But let's not let it go just because he's screaming racism!

Carmichael: Peter Kelly's been expelled.

McCoy: What does he care? Probably go into the family business.

Carmichael: As long as it doesn't require a conscience.

Refuge: Part 1 [9.23][edit]

McCoy: Tell Mr. Margolis he can stuff his motion to dismiss.

Carmichael: Malenkov's gotta be making a quarter of a million a month by massaging sore muscles.

McCoy: Ain't America grand?

Carmichael: You've gotta hand it to him, though. He's been here 6 years, he's working the system like a slot machine. I'm still trying to figure out alternate side of the street parking.

Maletkov: You think because we have an accent, we're stupid? When I was 14, at a state school in Moscow, I was reading Anderson, Faulker, Hemingway. I was studying John Caines, Milton Friedman...

McCoy: [impatiently] Mr. Maletkov, I...!

Maletkov: Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. I made a lot of money in Russia. You think that's easy? You try it. So, when I come here... [scoffs; snaps fingers] America's like a big baby. We're taking candy out of your hand. Out of your mouth. So... [speaks Russian] Save your deals for the pipe heads in Harlem. I have appointment to play chess. Okay?

Refuge: Part 2 [9.24][edit]

[after the murders of a witness' mother and ADA Ricci]

McCoy: I wanna know how this disaster happened.

Briscoe: Best guess, Ricci was followed from work.

McCoy: Why wasn't a police officer stationed in the apartment?!

Lt. Van Buren: In a one-bedroom? That would've been cozy. We tried putting someone downstairs in the vestibule, but the tenants complained!

McCoy: Lieutenant, I don't have to tell you...!

Lt. Van Buren: No. You don't. We're treating this like Ricci was one of our own. What are you gonna do about this retrial?

McCoy: I don't know.

[Briscoe and Curtis enter the apartment of two sisters concerning Gabriel]

Louisa: I don't know where Gabriel is. He's driving a cab.

Briscoe: That's why we need to talk to him. He ever lend it to anybody?

Louisa: No! I don't know. Look, I don't got time to talk to you!

Briscoe: [shows Louisa photos] Hey, did you ever see him with either of these 2 people?

Belinca: She don't hardly see Gabriel, except to make another stupid baby!

Louisa: Cállate!

[both sisters argue in Spanish]

Curtis: Hey! Hey! Hey! Did Gabriel mess with you? Is that why you don't like him?

Belinca: I take care of myself. I don't like him, but she lets him beat her when she's all pregnant like that.

Curtis: Well, you show us where he is, we make sure he doesn't mess with your sister again. All right?

Volsky: [after he and his fellow mobsters have been sentenced] Go ahead. Try and kill me. I'm not afraid. I'm tough. I'll survive.

McCoy: (his closing argument) Following the rules does not put you above the law. Just ask the Swiss bankers who appropriated the unclaimed accounts of Holocaust victims. Following the rules does not explain how someone who runs a bank could be so incompetent, so gullible. There can be only one explanation. Mr. Radford willingly turned a blind eye to what was obviously a criminal enterprise. And the Russian mob didn't have to cut off his uncle's hands to get him to do it. All they had to do was wave a fat commission in front of him. Now, some might think that money laundering is just some white-collar crime far removed from our everyday concerns. Let me remind you what money laundering is really about. Mr. Radford made his commission on the backs of these people. This country has always been a beacon to the world for liberty and justice. That's why we keep our borders open. But we're also a beacon for another kind of people, for criminals and con men. We rely on the law to protect us from them. Sometimes, that's not enough. Do we need more law, less freedom? Do we cross out parts of the Constitution? I've learned that's not the answer. The answer is that each one of us is responsible to everyone else. Not one of us can afford to turn a blind eye. By respecting the laws we do have, by living up to the true meaning of the word "citizen," we preserve our common good. Through his deliberate ignorance, Mr. Radford allowed a criminal enterprise to flourish. Innocent people to be killed. He allowed a cancer to grow. This is where it has to stop. Here in this court room, with you.

Season 10[edit]

Gunshow [10.1][edit]

Mr. Weber: We weren't ignoring your requests. As a matter of fact, we had a meeting with our lawyers about it.

Carmichael: What did ya'll decide?

Mr. Weber: Much as we'd like to cooperate, it would force us to reveal trade secrets which would damage our ability to remain competitive.

Carmichael: Trade secrets? Mr. Weber, you make guns, not soda pop.

Defense attorney: You're taking the death penalty off the table with the city screaming for blood?

McCoy: The victims families need closure, not blood.

Defense attorney: My client's a healthy young man. Life without parole, that could be 50 or 60 years.

Carmichael: He could always take up smoking.

McCoy: Rolff makes a product that any clever 12-year-old can turn into a weapon of mass destruction.

Schiff: I'm appalled. Write them a letter.

Carmichael: Jack wants the jury to make a finding of emotion, not of fact. This isn't a trial. It's gun control by other means.

McCoy: They can sell guns on the internet. Talking about control is a joke.

Carmichael: So this is your answer? Putting gun makers in jail?

McCoy: I'd like to start by putting Rolff Firearms out of business!

Carmichael: Responsible adults can own firearms without the entire country sinking into criminal anarchy.

McCoy: What's the point? Maybe when the redcoats were coming over Bunker Hill.

Carmichael: How about somebody 6'5" coming through my door? The people have a right to defend themselves!

Judge Wright: Madam Foreperson, as to each of the 15 counts of the indictment: Murder in the second degree, has the jury reached a unanimous verdict?

Foreperson: Yes, we have, your honor. We find the defendant guilty.

[applause is heard in the courtroom; the judge bangs his gavel, silencing them]

Judge Wright: Order! Order! Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I thank you for your service. You are excused. [to the stenographer] Don't pack it up just yet, Linda. I'm finding, as a matter of law, the People failed to meet the standard of proof I said at the beginning of trial. The People did not establish that the weapon was hazardous per se, nor that the main actor in the homicide used the weapon as it was intended to be used by Mr. Weber. Therefore, I'm setting aside the jury verdict and issuing a directed verdict of not guilty. The defendant is free to go. [bangs gavel]

McCoy: Objection!

Judge Wright: [bangs gavel again] Order! Order!

McCoy: [approaches the bench] I'm filing notice of the People's intent to appeal! This is outside the scope of your authority!

Judge Wright: Mr. McCoy, I'm not gonna sanction a verdict that can't possibly be sustained on appeal. This conviction isn't based on any proven facts. It's based on the jury's outrage at Mr. Weber's irresponsible and inexcusable conduct. You wanna end the violence, the bloodletting. So do I, Mr. McCoy. In my 30 years on the bench, I've seen every permutation of it, and it sickens me when somebody profits from it! But tempted, though I may be, putting Mr. Weber in jail won't end the carnage. Until we cure what ails the human heart, it won't make a dent in the body count. In the meantime, no matter how profound our grief, our indignation, I can't let you use this court to raise a lynch mob. I won't allow you to exploit the same base actions Mr. Weber counts on to beef up his bottom line! It's not about being right, Mr. McCoy. It's about doing right. Now, we're adjourned.

Killerz [10.2][edit]

[A 10-year-old girl is arrested for committing a brutal murder]

Dr. Skoda: Jenny's been emotionally abused, maybe physically. She lashes out when her anger reaches the boiling point.

Carmichael: So we lock this girl up?

Dr. Skoda: Get used to it. There are more and more girls committing violent crimes. I don't see anything from Jenny except a future of escalating antisocial behavior.

McCoy: What makes you say that?

Dr. Skoda: Emotional abuse. The snuffed cat. Blacked out photographs. Her lack of response when I went after her.

McCoy: Fantasies about hurting little boys.

Dr. Skoda: Previews of coming attractions. She's graduated to murder, she's not going to stop.

Carmichael: You sound pretty sure.

Dr. Skoda: The kid's a done deal. She's a textbook serial killer. You just got her early.

[McCoy and Sharkey deliver closing arguments]

Sharkey: Your honor, my client is 10 years old. She has teddy bears on her bedspread and a Big Bird piggy bank filled with pennies, and she killed a child. It's so incongruous, it's almost inconceivable. Dr. Olivet has testified that because of her age, and because of the way her brain works, she simply couldn't appreciate that as she struck Aaron Polansky with a rock, she was killing him. Jenny thought she could revive him with a 1-1/2 volt battery. It speaks for itself. Mr. McCoy's position is to ignore the question of responsibility and brand Jenny Brandt a killer. She'll never change. We have to put her away. People change. If anyone can change, it's a child. And Dr. Olivet has emphasized that this will not happen in a state mental hospital. Mr. McCoy's solution is a solution of last resort. Please, don't give up on her, judge.

McCoy: Jenny got dealt a lousy hand. I look at her with pity and regret. But Jenny Brandt is trouble. She battered Aaron Polansky's head and stuffed him in a pipe. Miss Sharkey wants us to believe that she didn't appreciate what she did. I don't agree. Jenny daydreams about killing small boys. She even had a trial run with a cat, but ultimately what she could or could not appreciate is irrelevant. Jenny is a loaded gun! She has a cocked fist with a rock in it! She needs to be stopped before she kills again! Dr. Olivet talks about sending Jenny to a state institution like it's a death sentence that turns the world upside down. Aaron Polansky got a death sentence! Jenny would get treatment. Now, everybody knows state psychiatric care could be better. But letting Jenny get away with murder won't help this girl. How will she ever appreciate that her actions have consequences if there are none? And how many children will she kill before the adult criminal justice system can take over? Do we have to wait and see? Miss Sharkey would like us to cross our fingers and hope. Hope that it won't happen again. I have my own kind of hope. I hope the state doctors can find a way to fix this girl. I hope that it takes 6 months. But until they do, we can't afford Miss Sharkey's brand of hope. We need to protect the Aaron Polanskys of this world from Jenny Brandt.

DNR [10.3][edit]

Green: There must be 10, 15 grand here. Where'd you get the money, Bobby?

Bobby: Bite me!

Briscoe: Go ahead. Bite him.

Green: A civil court judge needs a gun?

Briscoe: Maybe she hands out too much alimony.

Merger [10.4][edit]

Carmichael: The laws for the rich are different.

McCoy: What laws for the rich?

Lt. Van Buren: [to Briscoe] You were never a kid?

Green: Old Spice forgot to take his gingko.

Justice [10.5][edit]

Dupree: [after his lawyer, Laura Felder, is murdered] This can't be happening to me.

Carmichael: It's not, it happened to Felder.

Ross: [to Carmichael, during a lineup] Don't be shy - next time just point to my client.

Marathon [10.6][edit]

[A murder suspect accuses Briscoe of police brutality]

Green: I heard the news. We get the gun, they toss it. We get the confession.

Briscoe: We?

Green: I've been sayin' "we" to cover your ass, outta respect for you.

Briscoe: I don't need that kinda respect.

Green: Good, 'cause I've been walkin' on eggshells ever since we caught this case.

Briscoe: 'Bout as long as you've been pissin' me off.

Green: Pissing you off?! Why? 'Cause I don't blend in with the rest of the roaches?

Briscoe: Oh, is that what this is about?! Because you know that's not how I meant that!

Green: No, no, no. I will tell you what I know. If it wasn't for your screw-ups, we'd have nailed this guy a long time ago!

Briscoe: My screw-ups?! Your stuff's been gettin' thrown outta court ever since you got here!

Green: Well, maybe I take chances, because my partner can't get it up!

Briscoe: [throws the transcript at his partner] Maybe you just get off on takin' chances!

Lt. Van Buren: BRISCOE!

[Briscoe turns to the angry lieutenant]

Lt. Van Buren: In my office!

[Briscoe enters Van Buren's office after his clash with Green]

Lt. Van Buren: What's goin' on?

Briscoe: I'm done workin' with Green.

Lt. Van Buren: The hell you are!

Briscoe: I don't need him second-guessing everything I do.

Lt. Van Buren: Green's not your problem.

Briscoe: Then what is my problem? You tell me.

Lt. Van Buren: That's what I'm tryin' to figure out.

Briscoe: You think I'm too old to cut it?!

Lt. Van Buren: Whoa! Now, where's that comin' from?

Briscoe: From the flavor of the month out there.

Lt. Van Buren: You've been here 6 years. You know I don't play favorites.

Briscoe: Well, 6 years should count for somethin' more than my pension.

Lt. Van Buren: Look, I'm behind you, Lennie. But I believe this case is messin' with you.

Briscoe: This case pans out the same whether I'm 25 or 75!

Lt. Van Buren: Right. I'm glad you feel that way. So, pull yourself together, because it isn't over.

Patsy [10.7][edit]

Taylor: [to his attorney] Charles, do something!

Briscoe: Yeah, counselor, why don't you click your heels 3 times and say there's no place like home.

Briscoe: You see, whoever raped Cecilia used a condom, except some of his little guys got away from him. That's why we took your blood, Taylor.

Taylor: That doesn't concern me one bit.

Lt. Van Buren: [walks into room with a folder] The lab results are in. The DNA found at the scene matches the sample we took from the sheets.

Briscoe: Ooh! You should have been more careful when removing your party hat, Ken.

Blood Money [10.8][edit]

[An insurance salesman's murder leads to an investigation of the company he worked for, which is suspected of defrauding Holocaust victims]

Green: Rock, paper, scissors, gun!

Risenhour: I want these men to close their eyes and see my sister. See my sister as the little girl she was, and as the woman she should have been. Then I want them to open their eyes and tell me if they think they owe me anything.

Sundown [10.9][edit]

Briscoe: Guy's juggling at least three lady friends. Must be putting something extra in his tank.

Green: Jealous?

Rodgers: Right now, I've got to get a javelin out of somebody's chest.

Briscoe: What made you go into this line of work?

Rodgers: Free javelins.

Loco Parentis [10.10][edit]

Green: Hey, follow the shiny badge!

Schiff: This teenager commits the perfect crime.

McCoy: I know, it's hard to believe. C.S.U. luminoled every conceivable spot in the building and they didn't find a drop of blood.

Schiff: Kid gets off, father buys him a bazooka

McCoy: How did he clean up all that blood?

Carmichael: He got an A in Home Ec?

Collision [10.11][edit]

Officer: Couple in an apartment across the street heard some screaming and called 9-1-1.

Briscoe: Concerned citizens. Must be new in town.

Dr. Naim: When I was a boy, my uncle in Tehran talked to the Moon. But he only talked to the Moon when my grandfather told him he must leave and find work.

Mother's Milk [10.12][edit]

Green: How many of these have you done?

Briscoe: Stakeouts?

Green: No, dead babies.

Briscoe: We don't know for sure the baby's dead.

Green: Right.

Briscoe: To answer your question, too many.

Green: This is my first.

Briscoe: That's too many.

Father Aguerro: [about Jimmy] Sometimes he came and stood near the confessional. I was hoping he'd come in, but you can't make someone confess.

Briscoe: Wanna bet?

Panic [10.13][edit]

Green: [finding a receipt on a murder victim's person] Mr. Hoss paid for a meal at Cafe Rouge, 8:16, tonight.

Briscoe: Dinner for two?

Green: Looks like it.

Briscoe: Hope he enjoyed it.

Lt. Van Buren: [Reading Todd's fan mail] Oh this is lovely: "You write worse than an uneducated trout."

Briscoe: If I was the fish, I'd take offense.

Entitled [10.14][edit]

Munch: Is this what I have to look forward to in my twilight years? Cyber-flirting with Betty and Veronica?

Carmichael: [about Regina Mulroney] Why is everyone afraid of this woman?

Schiff: Regina's favorite joke: The difference between a lace-curtain Irish and a shanty Irish is, the lace-curtain Irish will move the curtains aside before she pisses in the sink. [pause] Regina's a proud shanty Irish.

Fools for Love [10.15][edit]

Schiff: Stick to the deal, no matter how much it turns your stomach...and mine.

Carmichael: How do you wash it off, Jack?

McCoy: Wish I knew.

Trade This [10.16][edit]

Dantoni: I appreciate you seeing me, Mr. McCoy.

McCoy: This isn't a courtesy. You have information regarding this homicide?

Dantoni: I have. We do.

McCoy: You understand there's no offer of immunity, for either you or your son?

Dantoni's Attorney: Mr. Dantoni merely seeks the same offer your office provides any other crime victim.

McCoy: Crime victim?

Dantoni: This is a strange situation for all of us. I'm used to handling my own problems my own way, but this is different. My son did not commit any murder.

McCoy: That's the extent of your information?

Dantoni: My son's a moron, but he's not a murderer.

Carmichael: So he's only half a chip off the old block.

Mega [10.18][edit]

Elias: Isn't it great to say exactly what you feel?

Briscoe: I tried that with my first wife.

McCoy: Elias Grace suckered these people out of millions of dollars and he turns out to be the biggest sucker of them all.

Surrender Dorothy [10.19][edit]

Green: The husbands called. They want to get this all settled out with their shrinks.

Lt. Van Buren: Oh, good. One for each of you.

Graham: Perry and I have nothing to hide. We're therapists; we believe in the truth.

Briscoe: Yeah, so do we. But we rarely hear it.

Untitled [10.20][edit]

Braun: I think he's from Brooklyn.

Briscoe: Why? He had a bad haircut?

Schiff: [to McCoy] Can't you see the little picture for a change?

Narcosis [10.21][edit]

Patterson: [about Green] Put leash on this guy, all right?

Briscoe: We gave up: he keeps chewing through them.

Green: [about Malone's spending habits] Four grand in one week telling a stripper how to take her clothes off.

Carmichael: You guys are such suckers!

High & Low [10.22][edit]

Briscoe: Surf Nazis on ecstasy. Bet they're gonna put that in the local drive-in.

Green: [about Alston] As far as we can see, she's a retired porn star living off her investments.

Briscoe: God bless America.

Stiff [10.23][edit]

Carmichael: What do you call this?

Green: Besides a bunch of crazy, rich white people with too much time on their hands?

Carmichael: [dealing with a defendant who makes wild changes to his story] It's a suicide, it's an accident, it's a breath mint! This guy gives me a headache!

Carmichael: She denied knowing her mom had Parkinson's, she lied about the money, she's 0 for 2 and counting.

McCoy: Getting her paws on that money is a pretty good motive for a murder.

Carmichael: Except it's her step-dad who pulled the trigger. Wow, what a cozy little family this is turning out to be.

McCoy: Once you turn to necrophilia, incest doesn't seem so bad.

Carmichael: Moore must be feeling pretty stupid sitting in Riker's while Debbie is out spending up a storm. He might be in the mood to deal.

McCoy: I'm not. Get a search warrant for her office and home. We find evidence they had an affair, they can both rot.

Schiff: Have you arrested this girl?

Carmichael: Not yet.

Schiff: Are you waiting for an invitation?

Vaya Con Dios [10.24][edit]

Reyes: They hung me upside down by my ankles and burned me with cigarettes. They put electrodes on my tongue and my eyelids. They would not let me sleep. They tried to drown me. Three times they put a gun to my head and pretended to shoot me. They did this to me for two months.

McCoy: And you're positive that the people who tortured you were under the command of Colonel Pantoya?

Reyes: Yes. He visited the prison many times. [to Pantoya] The man you laughed at, the man hanging like a pig, it was me. Through my blood and my tears, I saw you, Colonel.

McCoy: May it please the court. Man has only the rights he can defend. Our most basic right is life. It's enshrined not only in our Constitution, but in the charter of the United Nations. The prohibition against taking a life is found in our most ancient texts and in the statutes of every nation. Every murder, whether in Brooklyn, Santiago, Rwanda or Kosovo, demands punishment by whatever legal means possible. Otherwise, the right to life is just an empty promise. The law against murder applies to all. No matter the perpetrator, the victim, or the country where the murder is committed. It is the one moral law that recognizes no national, racial or religious boundaries. It can tolerate no exceptions. There is one law. One law. And when that law is broken, it is the duty of every officer of any court to rise up in defense of that law, and bring their full power and diligence to bear against the law breaker. Because, man has only those rights he can defend. Only those rights.

Season 11[edit]

Endurance [11.1][edit]

McCoy: Your Honor, this is nothing more than Mr. Peck's conceit that he can pull a rabbit out of a hat, and his never ending love for an opportunity just to hear himself talk.

McCoy: It's possible she suppressed her memory of that night. It's possible she felt too guilty to fully participate in her own defense.

Carmichael: It's also possible that her lawyer isn't the idiot that we take him for. He held on to this until he thought it would do the most good.

McCoy: No, he's an idiot.

Peck: The heart is an unruly little chihuahua.

Turnstile Justice [11.2][edit]

Lewin: You have a defendent responsible for sending a dangerous psychotic out among the citizens of New York. Whatever excuses he has, whatever excuses the 2 of you have, now that you've gone after him I want you to run him to ground.

Lewin: How much time will Andrews serve with good behavior?

Carmichael: Under a year.

Lewin: Good, that means jail not state prison. He'll serve it at Rikers. Let's hope he has a good immune system.

Judge Mizener: Mr. Gallant, you understand that by pleading guilty, you'll be sentenced to a period of 10-20 years?

Brian: Yes.

Judge Mizener: Did you kill Stephanie Donatelli?

[Brian nods]

Judge Mizener: I need you to answer for the stenographer.

Brian: Yes.

Judge Mizener: Did you attack Nadine Konchalovsky?

Brian: Yes.

Judge Mizener: Can you tell us why you committed these crimes?

Brian: No reason.

Judge Mizener: Now, Mr. McCoy, I assume a motion to vacate the charges against the individual currently incarcerated for the attack on Miss Konchalovsky has been filed.

McCoy: It has, your honor. He'll be released as soon as I let corrections know that we're done.

Judge Mizener: We're done.

Mr. Donatelli: [jumps out of his seat in despair] We're done?

Judge Mizener: Please, Mr. Donatelli.

Mr. Donatelli: You guys declare yourselves done, and you're done? [points at Brian] You say the one and only person responsible for Steph getting killed is this lunatic?! You put a line through it on your list, and then you pat yourselves on the back?!!

Judge Mizener: Mr. Donatelli, I understand you're upset, but this isn't the time or the place to address these things.

Mr. Donatelli: Tell me when is the time and place, and I'll be there! [points at Brian again] Tell me when you're gonna hold someone accountable for turning him loose on Steph, and I'll be there.

McCoy: No one should be heard to say that providing medical care at Rikers Island is easy. Nor is it the position of this District Attorney's office that there aren't legitimate financial constraints on the provider. We've heard that the defendant operating under those constraints is just a simple man doing the best he could. Let's look at that a little bit: Brian Gallant was at Rikers for a year; he was medicated on a daily basis by the defendant's company, with the defendant's knowledge. On the day he was released, he was hallucinating and disoriented. Nonetheless, he was handed over to the Department of Corrections, who dropped him off at a subway station in the middle of the night. He was given no medication, no referral for ongoing care. Not an address to go to; not a phone number to call. This was not done by accident or oversight. This was the express instruction of the defendant. Was not the violent behavior of Brian Gallant a foreseeable event? Was not the defendant well aware, not only of Mr. Gallant's propensities, but of the risk he constituted for every person he came in contact with? The answer is: Of course, he was aware of it; of course, he chose to ignore it; of course, it was his recklessness that brought about this woman's death. Find him guilty, Ladies and Gentlemen. He deserves it.

Dissonance [11.3][edit]

Judge Wright: You need to understand that when it comes to trying someone for murder, particularly someone like Carl Reger, who's given so much of himself to the city, that Jack McCoy doesn't get a free one.

Lewin: And you need to understand that veiled threats disguised as friendly advice sound an awful lot to me like judicial bias. Especially when delivered ex parte.

Judge Wright: First off, I don't have to justify my decisions to you. Second, that sound you hear is the ice cracking underneath your feet.

Lewin: With all due respect, your honor, you weigh more than I do. I request that you recuse yourself from the case of the People versus Reger.

Judge Wright: Request denied.

Lewin: Then you can explain yourself to the grievance board.

Judge Wright: You file a complaint against me then your ADAs will never get to first base inside my courtroom. Based strictly on the merits of their cases.

Lewin: If you threaten me again I'll report this conversation and our last conversation to the presiding judge of the appellate division. And if you step over the line in court just once, I'll take you down and you won't get up again.

Standoff [11.4][edit]

Prison guard: Listening to a couple of lawyers tell me what we should and should not do makes me feel like putting them in a cell with one of my 250-pound CPSU All-Stars. Then I'd go home, have a hot meal, get a good night's sleep, and come back in the morning to watch them mop.

Carmichael: They tried the victim.

McCoy: And made a badge a license to kill.

Return [11.5][edit]

Rabbi 1: We offer no opinion on the sincerity of Mr. Becker's beliefs, or on who's entitled to try him where and for what. This is not up to us. All we can determine is whether the standard for conversion has been met. Without proof of a mikveh, we have to say it has not. Also, we see no evidence that, to this point, Eli Becker has been living what we could call a Jewish life style. Accordingly, Eli Becker is ruled not Jewish.

[Eli's father shouts in Hebrew and jumps out of his seat in fury]

Feldman: Rabbis? Rabbis, can I be heard?

Rabbi 1: Our ruling will be put into writing and made available to both sides by the end of the day.

Mr. Becker: I had half my family die in the ovens! Who the hell are you to tell me that my son is not Jewish?!

Rabbi 1: Sorry, Mr. Becker. This is not up to us.

Mr. Becker: A stinking technicality! And these momzers'll hang him for it!

Rabbi 3: The Talmud has no technicalities, Mr. Becker. Only laws.

Mr. Becker: Drop dead!

Lewin: If the case depends on the jury believing a career criminal who's cut a deal, I'd say we're in trouble.

McCoy: We have a defendant who left the country rather than stand trial.

Lewin: Which the defense will attribute to a combination of panic and religious fervor.

Carmichael: We could also establish that he was stealing from the business.

Lewin: A business his father half-owned.

McCoy: Are you suggesting that we offer him a deal?

Lewin: After what we went through to get him back here? Not on your life!

Burn Baby Burn [11.6][edit]

Lewin: Don't beat yourself up too badly over this one, Jack.

McCoy: A guy shoots a New York City police officer in the line of duty and I can't convict him.

Lewin: Enough of the jury identified with his fear of cops.

McCoy: Used to be a fear of cops didn't justify shooting them.

Lewin: Used to be a lot of things.

Clerk: People vs. Latiff Miller. Murder in the first degree.

[a lot of Miller's followers in the gallery shout in protest; the judge bangs his gavel]

Judge Torledsky: If I hear another word from the gallery, I'm gonna clear the courtroom! [bangs gavel again, calming everyone down] How does the defendant plead?

Chiles: My client has a statement, your honor.

Miller: Given that I'm here, as a political prisoner,...

Follower: Tell 'em, Miller!

Miller: The Geneva convention doesn't afford this court jurisdiction!

[his followers shout in agreement, until Torledsky bangs his gavel again]

Judge Torledsky: That's enough! Mr. Miller, I'm entering a plea of not guilty.

Carmichael: People request remand, your honor. Mr. Miller killed a police officer, and then fled the scene in order to avoid capture.

Chiles: He was praying at a mosque, your honor. He's a pillar of his community.

Carmichael: The People are considering the death penalty.

[the followers in the gallery shout again; the judge bangs his gavel again]

Judge Torledsky: No bail. The defendant is remanded. Move on to motion.

Amends [11.7][edit]

Curran: I'd rather be in uniform. Too much politics in being a detective. I don't know how you guys do it.

Briscoe: We're different. We're in it for the money.

Brannigan: Did you think I was going to eat my gun?

Briscoe: Now why would do a thing like that?

Brannigan: I disgraced myself. Dishonored the job.

Briscoe: You made a mistake.

Brannigan: I let him go. He killed a young girl, and I let him go.

Briscoe: So now he's caught.

Brannigan: Can you forgive me, Lennie?

Briscoe: All day long, Tommy, all day long.

Thin Ice [11.8][edit]

[Briscoe and Green find a murder victim in a parking garage]

Green: Guy stuck his car in a garage, thought he was safe.

Briscoe: He forgot the high cost of parking in Manhattan.

McCoy: The law says your right to rage ends at the other guy's nose.

Hubris [11.9][edit]

Judge Bradley: Mr. Morriston, this courtroom is not a singles' bar. You will conduct yourself with the proper decorum.

Whose Monkey Is It, Anyway? [11.10][edit]

[Peavey is facing manslaughter charges for accidentally causing the death of a lab assistant while trying to free a monkey]

Peavey: [looking to Maxine] She told me about this guy, John Brown, who led a raid on Harper's Ferry to steal guns to free slaves. Ever hear of him?

McCoy: Apples and oranges.

Peavey: Pretty brave guy, wasn't he?

McCoy: [admittedly] Yeah, he was.

Peavey: What would he do?

Maxine: You've got to make this decision for yourself.

Peavey: [pause] Thank you for your offer, Mr. McCoy. I want to go to trial.

[after Peavey is found guilty]

McCoy: Man's dominion over the animals remains intact.

Carmichael: The jury decided to follow the law.

Lewin: And a hero is born.

Sunday in the Park with Jorge [11.11][edit]

Briscoe: That's the trouble with lying, Kiki: you have to tell the same lies to the same people.

Palmieri: You got yourself the right kind of defendant. He's Brazilian, but he looks like he could be Puerto Rican. I mean, Brazil's still in Latin America, right? As long as he's Latino, you've got the right color of head on your stick.

McCoy: I don't care what color of head's on my stick. All I care about is, did he do the crime?

Palmieri: Yeah, right.

Teenage Wasteland [11.12][edit]

Lewin: What should be the standard to take the life of a teenager?

Carmichael: Where I come from, it's where the crime committed is so vicious, so cruel, he forfeits the right to get any older.

Lewin: Where I come from a person can't forfeit that right. We can only take it from him.

Lewin: With any luck, we'll be able to strap him to a gurney before he's 21. God help us all.

Phobia [11.13][edit]

Powers: My dealings with the police have been a joke.

Lt. Van Buren: You haven't dealt with me, Miss Powers.

Lt. Van Buren: What kind of idiot arranges a pickup for ransom money?

Briscoe: The kind of idiot whose license plates read "HOSE MONKEY".

Swept Away - A Very Special Episode [11.15][edit]

Kaufman: You can't arrest us, we have a show to finish.

Briscoe: Consider yourselves cancelled.

Briscoe: How long are you gonna stick with that story, Gavin? 'Cause I'm just trying to plan my day here.

Bronx Cheer [11.16][edit]

McCoy: 2 murders, Nora. We're supposed to let him off easy?

Lewin: I said make a deal; I didn't say pony up the courthouse.

Lewin: Richardson stays in jail.

McCoy: He can hire an attorney, file for a writ of habeas corpus.

Lewin: With what, his mother's public assistance?

McCoy: He can file pro se, like any other prisoner... or I can do the writ.

Lewin: Aren't you worried about the precedent it sets?

McCoy: I can file it as a private citizen, if you think it's more appropriate.

Lewin: I don't think the public will see the distinction.

McCoy: I think the only distinction they see is between right and wrong.

Lewin: [smiling] Make sure my name is on the writ.

Ego [11.17][edit]

Briscoe: So what's the story? Girl meets bridge?

CSU Technician: Girl meets bullet, then girl meets river.

Briscoe: I love a happy ending.

Conroy: [about the victim] I loved her.

Carmichael: Killing her's a pretty sick way of showing her that.

Brother's Keeper [11.21][edit]

Dr. Rodgers: Margaret Sikorsky, 24, ODed. Death resulted from a lethal combination of high potency cocaine and several prescription drugs. I can give you a copy of this.

Briscoe: How did she get here?

Dr. Rodgers: Same as everybody else: she died.

School Daze [11.22][edit]

Briscoe: One of my ex-wives called this morning to bust my chops.

Green: Which one?

Briscoe: I forget.

Lewin: [about Semple] With what's waiting for him, it might have been kinder to give him the needle.

Carmichael: Either works for me.

Judge Dread [11.23][edit]

Green: [reading a threat against a judge] "Carlin, you stank-ass bitch, I'm gonna make you lick my Mac-10."

Briscoe: I'm guessing the motion was denied.

Lewin: I'd like to think I can do this job without becoming a cynic.

McCoy: I'm not a cynic. I get up every morning hoping to find an honest man.

Deep Vote [11.24][edit]

Lt. Van Buren: [reading the ballistics report on a homicide] Hollow-point. Double the damage, double the fun.

Briscoe: This lady picked the wrong guy to get into a traffic jam with.

Lt. Van Buren: That's why I don't even honk my horn anymore.

Lewin: Walk softly, and carry a big subpeona.

Season 12[edit]

Who Let The Dogs Out [12.1][edit]

[during Sherri's testimony, the Quinns' dog King is brought in on a leash with a muzzle on his mouth; King growls and barks rabidly]

Behrens: Your honor!

Judge Scholl: Mr. McCoy?

McCoy: The defendants claim the dog is gentle, your honor. We think the jury has a right to decide for itself.

Judge Scholl: Bring the dog into the well.

[the court officer brings King closer]

McCoy: Care to pet your dog, Mrs. Quinn?

Behrens: Objection!

McCoy: [to Roger] How 'bout you, Mr. Quinn? Shall we take the muzzle off and you can pet your dog?

Behrens: I move for an immediate mistrial, your honor!

Judge Scholl: That's enough! The show is over! Mr. Quinn, take your seat. You too, Mr. Behrens. Mr. McCoy, remove that dog right now.

[after the Quinns have agreed to a plea]

Southerlyn: I just got off with animal control. The dog was put down.

McCoy: The Quinns' trial was the only thing keeping it alive.

Lewin: Abused, tortured, and now destroyed.

Southerlyn: Almost makes you wish you could reverse the sentences.

For Love or Money [12.03][edit]

Melissa: How could you have killed him?

Lorraine: The man was a thug! Every time I turned around he was there with his hand out.

Melissa: I'm not talking about Buck, I'm talking about Allan. I thought you loved him!

Lorraine: Sweetheart, you didn't have to sleep with him. Let's just drop this whole subject, okay? That part of our lives is over with!

Melissa: You're wrong.

Lorraine: What are you talking about?!

Melissa: Look at the dock, mother.

[Briscoe and a sound technician are standing there, recording their conversation]

Lorraine: You little bitch!

Melissa: I had a good teacher.

Formerly Famous [12.6][edit]

Briscoe: Vega hasn't had a gig in 10 years and he socked away millions of dollars. Maybe I should get a manager.

Green: Singing in a karaoke bar doesn't count.

Myth of Fingerprints [12.7][edit]

Lt. Van Buren: I'm fine, Lenny...

Briscoe: I just wanted to make sure...

Lt. Van Buren': You know, you nudge a witness in the right direction at a lineup...the gun - was in plain view, not under the seat...we do that all the time.

Briscoe: You wouldn't have passed off those prints to the DA unless she told you there was a match!

Lt. Van Buren: Closin'...that case got me noticed, Lennie. And I used to hear the whispers and the chatter behind my back: 'She got it because she's black'...'She got it 'cause she's a woman'. And I never listened to any of that crap...because I knew...I had earned it!

Briscoe: You made Lieutenant because you're a great cop! All the drug collars you made, all the killers you put behind bars - this one case isn't gonna undo all of that!

Lt. Van Buren: I'm not so sure, Lennie...I'm not so sure!

The Fire This Time [12.8][edit]

Rochet: I don't regret anything I do, Mr. McCoy. I hope you never do. [leaves]

McCoy: Letting that man walk out the door is a start.

Prejudice [12.10][edit]

[An expert witness for the defense of a racist murderer argues that racism is a mental disorder]

Freeman: I know first-hand what it is to be discriminated against. But as long as we treat it as a social problem instead of as an illness, we lose all chance of treating it.

McCoy: No, sir. As long as we provide an excuse, we lose all chance of punishing it.

Lewin: I wonder if Burrows will still have a problem with minorities once he gets to prison and finds out he is one.

DR 1-102 [12.13][edit]

[Southerlyn blurries legal ethics to resolve a hostage situation]

Lewin: And I appreciate what you did, but if you wanted to save people, you should’ve become a doctor.

Born Again [12.16][edit]

[McCoy has just found that out that Weston murdered Paula]

Weston: I am 42 years old! I'm entitled to a life.

McCoy: She was 12 years old. What was she entitled to?

Girl Most Likely [12.17][edit]

Briscoe: He told us he was out running, he just didn't mention it was from the crime scene.

Alicia: I got on the floor with her. She wasn't breathing. She was just lying there with this soft look on her face, and I remember thinking, 'This must be the way she looks when she's asleep...'

Equal Rights [12.18][edit]

[A defendant uses battered woman syndrome as a defense to murdering her husband]

Lewin: What choices does a woman in that situation really have?

Southerlyn: If someone hit me, I would leave, and if I couldn't, I'd hit them back.

Lewin: Well, not everyone takes Tae Bo.

McCoy: You were tired of being his punching bag.

Leslie: Yes. Anybody would be.

McCoy: And the way to get all that to stop was to stay. To stay, and get him. [Leslie says nothing] Only that's not self-defense, is it?

Attorney Client [12.22][edit]

Griggs: I want a lawyer.

Briscoe: All right. Just try not to shoot this one.

Briscoe: [while interrogating Jensen] We'd offer call a lawyer for you, except that you are one.

Oxymoron [12.23][edit]

Briscoe: You were dealing out of the same club, and you were seen arguing about money. In our neck of the woods, that's called a drug deal gone bad.

Sheila: That's insane!

Briscoe: Uh, if I were you, that defense never works.

Nicky: [to his son, Tommy, who has just testified against him] Better watch your back, Tommy.

[Bailiffs lead a frightened Tommy away]

Southerlyn: Some people pass down pocket watches.

McCoy: Tradition.

Patriot [12.24][edit]

[Briscoe and Green are arguiing about the "war on terrorism"]

Briscoe: Hey, take a look, partner. There's supposed to be 2 towers standing over there.

Green: Look, man, I know, but it's that kind of thing that gets me pulled over on the turnpike every other month. You forget, I lived in the Middle East. Not every guy wearing a kufi is the enemy.

McCoy: In World War II, we put Japanese Americans into camps. I'm sure everyone concerned at the time thought it was right. But that didn't make it right. Or legal.

Season 13[edit]

American Jihad [13.1][edit]

McCoy: [about Branch] Nice fella.

Southerlyn: And his politics?

McCoy: [pause] Nice fella.

[Phil calls Ed a primate repeatedly]

Green: I want to ask your opinion on Einstein's theory because I'm not sure he was right.

Phil: Headline: 'Cop Cracks Relativity'.

Green: No, not that theory, Phil. His theory on genius. See - and correct me if I'm wrong - Einstein argued that genius has no personality. But after talking to you for this short amount of time, I realize that you actually prove the negative. You definitely have personality. [threatening] And it makes this primate want to whoop your ass. Now say somethin'.

Briscoe: [grinning] That's my partner!

Shangri-La [13.2][edit]

McCoy: Never get Freudian with a man holding a pickle.

Southerlyn: [about a sympathetic young woman on trial for murder] I thought you said no jury would convict Little Orphan Annie.

McCoy: I did. Lizzie Borden is a different matter.

True Crime [13.3][edit]

Branch: Since when does freedom of speech apply only to the nattering nabobs of negativism?

Southerlyn: The victim was Patty Voytek. She's some big rock star...

Branch: I have a 16-year-old granddaughter; I know exactly who she is.

Tragedy on Rye [13.4][edit]

[having heard of Detective Green's actions against Otum, Van Buren calls him and Briscoe into her office]

Lt. Van Buren: You're on desk.

[Green sighs]

Briscoe: Hey, a week or so tops. It'll all be straightened out.

Lt. Van Buren: Excuse me. Both of you. [to Briscoe] You were the only witness. [to Green] Otum names the city, the department, and you individually in his suit. He claims you profiled him.

Green: Right. He's a drug dealer and a murder!

Lt. Van Buren: And he's black!

Green: Have you looked at me recently?!

Lt. Van Buren: [lifts a finger] He also claims that you never identified yourselves as cops!

Briscoe: Come on! I said police!

Lt. Van Buren: And the icing on the cake is the pounding he took with snapshots to prove it!

[she shows her detectives said snapshots]

[Briscoe and Green enter Borges' apartment]

Green: Ernest Borges?

Borges: I don't like surprises.

Briscoe: Well, you're gonna hate this one.

Green: Get up.

[Borges gets up off his couch; Green slaps the cuffs on him]

Green: Ernest Borges, you're under arrest for, among other things, the murder of Lucy Dolan. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of law.

[after Briscoe and Green have arrested Borges for Lucy Dolan's murder]

Southerlyn: Ballistics came back from the gun from Borges' apartment. It's the murder weapon.

McCoy: His lawyer's already itching for a sit-down.

Southerlyn: And we can't find a connection between Borges and Otum, Carton, or Johnson.

Branch: You filed the appropriate papers for their release?

McCoy: In the works. Maynard was so busy slandering Lucy Dolan, he forgot to do his homework.

Branch: Truth is, I always thought either Carton or Johnson would roll on Otum.

Southerlyn: Are you saying that all of this was part of Trial Tricks 102?

Branch: That or a big, juicy mea culpa.

McCoy: All 3 of them should put Serena on their Christmas card lists.

Southerlyn: I just wish that there was a way to prevent all of this from happening again.

Branch: There is. Move to Illinois.

McCoy: I think he's pulling your leg, Serena.

Branch: You know, this whole affair makes you think twice.

McCoy: About the death penalty?

Branch: About where to buy you a steak.

Open Season [13.7][edit]

Melnick: Hello, Jack. Okay, let's talk turkey. What are you up to? And don't give me that party line about Preuss being a threat to society.

McCoy: When you argue, I have this compulsive need to argue back.

[the detectives want Southerlyn to deal with a gang of white supremacists]

Southerlyn: What, you think they'll talk to me?

Green: Blonde hair, blue eyes...Hell, if you're lucky, they'll put you in a poster.

Southerlyn: [sarcastically] Gee, thanks.

[after Melnick has been shot]

Briscoe: Better be careful, Jack. Looks like it's open season on lawyers.

Chosen [13.11][edit]

[after Mr. Strelzik is convicted of the murder, Mr. Dworkin joins McCoy and Southerlyn for dinner at a restaurant]

Mr. Dworkin: May I?

McCoy: [scoots over] Help yourself.

Mr. Dworkin: Hell of a job. You're top of the legal food chain, Jack. No question about it.

Southerlyn: You're not upset?

Mr. Dworkin: [takes his seat] Hey, giving money to Israel's a good thing. Everyone should do it. Murder on the other hand... [raises his glass] Here's to hoping the big guy upstairs has a little more sympathy for Mr. Strelzik than did the people of the state of New York.

Bitch [13.15][edit]

Clerk: Docket #423763. People vs. Jacqueline Scott. Charge is murder in the first degree.

Judge Goldberg: That's as good as it gets. What's your plea?

Scott: Not guilty, your honor.

Brolin: My client is a valued member of the community. She employs thousands of New Yorkers who depend on her for their salary.

Judge Goldberg: Does she have a cat? I like cats.

Southerlyn: The state asks for remand without bail. Miss Scott's wealth makes her a flight risk.

Brolin: Since when is financial success a criminal offense?

Judge Goldberg: So, let's say we make her that much less offensive. Bail is set at 2,000,000 cash.

Southerlyn: Your honor, this defendant could hop on a private plane as easily as you and I could get on the subway.

Judge Goldberg: But can she get a cab in the rain? I'll take your passport, too, Miss Scott.

Southerlyn: For added assurance, the People also request an electronic ankle bracelet and house arrest.

Judge Goldberg: Don't fret, Miss Scott. Maybe you can cook up some matching accessories. [bangs gavel] Next.

Scott: Do you have any idea how much I pay in city taxes?

Briscoe: I do; I want to thank you for these new shoes.

Suicide Box [13.16][edit]

Stevie: So what, you get some kind of raise for every brother you bring in?

Green: That's right man, for every 10 I bring in I get an extra day's pay. If he's got a big mouth, I get 2 days. If I bring him in a little bloody, The Man gives me a damn toaster oven!

Cushman: Tell him there's no one out there gunning for me.

Briscoe: Well, we can't confirm or deny.

Cushman: Yeah, right. All those parking tickets, I knew I should have worn a Kevlar bra.

Genius [13.17][edit]

[Green stayed up all night with an alcoholic to get a lead in a murder case]

Lt. Van Buren: 5 hours? I hope to hell he called you in the morning.

Green: Hey, the best way to get a drunk to open his mouth is to let him drink, isn't that right, Lennie?

Briscoe: Hear, hear!

Seer [13.19][edit]

Lt. Van Buren: You make one hell of a bad cop!

Briscoe: Practice, practice, practice. I give him about 10 minutes with Ed before he starts to sing.

Lt. Van Buren: Our luck, he sings as bad as he lies.

McCoy: [at a self-proclaimed psychic's trial] So, how will this trial turn out?

Defense attorney: Objection!

Judge: Very funny, Mr. McCoy. Please don't do that again.

McCoy: Masters might not be as crazy as he looks. Last year, 50 million people paid 50 bucks to watch 6 psychics talk to George Washington on pay-per-view.

Branch: What's the point? I hear the old boy wasn't such a great interview when he was alive.

Couples [13.23][edit]

Clerk: Docket #534687. People vs. Reynaldo Celaya. Murder in the first degree.

Judge Goldberg: And the plea?

Reynaldo: Not guilty, your honor.

Judge Goldberg: There's a first. Miss Southerlyn?

Southerlyn: The defendant shot and killed his brother's wife within days of being released from prison. Bail shouldn't even be a consideration.

Judge Goldberg: I don't suppose you agree with that.

Clemens: Bail schmail. What's a couple of days in Rikers after 10 years in Attica? Not gonna waste your time, your honor.

Judge Goldberg: You know what, counselor? This is a first.

[just as Reynaldo is escorted out, Rafael jumps out of his seat and confronts his brother]

Rafael: ¡Tu eres un demonio! ¡Asesino!

Reynaldo: ¡Era mi esposa!

Rafael: [shouts back in Spanish]

Reynaldo: Not if I kill you first!!

Rafael: ¡Yo te mato! ¡Yo te mato! ¡Es mi esposa!

Reynaldo: She's my wife! Cabron, she's my wife!

Rafael: ¡¡ASESINO!! [shouts in Spanish] ¡Reynaldo, yo te mato! ¡Asesino! ¡ASESINO!

[both brothers are separately escorted out of the courtroom]

Judge Goldberg: Hmm. Nothing like a little excitement to get the heart pumping. What's next on the menu?

Clerk: Docket #534781. People vs. Clara Perazzo. Charge is murder in the second degree.

Judge Goldberg: Surprise me, Miss Perazzo.

Clara: I don't know what you mean.

Judge Goldberg: I need a plea. Did you do it?

Clara: Yes!

Berman: I don't think my client understands, your honor.

Clara: I understand perfectly. I killed the SOB.

Berman: She's obviously mentally disturbed.

Southerlyn: The defendant killed her husband, your honor.

Berman: She ran him over 4 times with her car.

Judge Goldberg: I admire her restraint.

Berman: I object!

Judge Goldberg: Cool your jets, counselor. Shall we take this from the top?

Clara: No need to, your honor. Dom is dead, and I did it. I knew exactly what I was doing.

Judge Goldberg: I'm not supposed to express personal opinions in the courtroom, but I gotta tell you, Miss Perazzo, you make me proud to be an American.

Clara: Thank you.

Judge Goldberg: Cheating on you, was he?

Clara: Yeah! But I could live with that. I could live with his perversions. But I won't go under the knife for anyone! [points at her breasts] These were good enough for him when we got married!

Smoke [13.24][edit]

Clerk: Docket #675834. People v. Montgomery Bender. Charge is sexual abuse in the first degree.

Judge Torledsky: Shame on you.

Granick: The charges aren't just speculative, your honor. They're outlandish. Mr. Bender happens to be...

Judge Torledsky: I know exactly who he is.

Granick: Then you'll know he's a target for any nut job who wants to put a couple of bucks in his pockets.

Judge Torledsky: Can I take that as a "not guilty"?

Monty: That's correct, Judge.

Southerlyn: The People request remand, your honor.

Granick: That's a little harsh, don't you think? Considering you don't have a complaining witness?

Southerlyn: The nut job in this case was 11 years old at the time of the illegal act. It's understandable that he's a little hesitant.

Granick: Because nothing happened.

Judge Torledsky: Bail is set at $1,000,000, and you'll be happy to know, Mr. Bender, that 10 of those dollars are mine. More, if you get a piece of the popcorn. Next!

Green: People get around stars, they get stupid.

Briscoe: Waiting in line to see Madonna is stupid. This is a felony.

Season 14[edit]

Bodies [14.01][edit]

[discussing a serial killer's defense attorney]

Branch: Yeah, who is that stupid S.O.B. anyway?

Southerlyn: Tim Schwimmer, legal aid, and he isn't exactly stupid.

Branch: He listened to his client when he told him about 15 other bodies?

Southerlyn: Yes.

Branch: He then confirmed his client was telling the truth by taking a peek at those bodies?

Southerlyn: Yes.

Branch: Fine. What's dumber than stupid?

Bounty [14.02][edit]

Briscoe: There's no such thing as hooker-client confidentiality.

Dworkin: Lawyer to lawyer: did you actually talk to Denise?

McCoy: No.

Dworkin: Then how did you know?

McCoy: I didn't. But I do know that I'm barely white enough to live in Greenwich, Connecticut.

Patient Zero [14.03][edit]

Uniform Cop: He jumped into the car and took off like a bat out of h-e-double-hockey-sticks.

Briscoe: What precinct are you from? Sesame Street?

Compassion [14.09][edit]

Briscoe: [pointing to a sign that reads "Pedatric Oncology] There's 2 words that should never go together.

Green: Hey, are you a doctor?

Male Nurse: No, but you should see my mom smile every time somebody asks that.

[McCoy has just arranged a lenient plea bargain for Allison]

Markus: It's not a bad thing, Jack

McCoy: What?

Markus: Having a heart.

Payback [14.12][edit]

Briscoe: You're in luck. It's opera week at Rikers.

Branch: I think you're giving the Feds way too much credit - they ain't that clever.

McCoy: Still, lucky break for them...now they roll up the whole crew, starting with Peter Righetti for the murder of his uncle...

Branch: Good riddance.

Married With Children [14.13][edit]

McCoy: Should Renee Bishop be able to adopt a child with her lover, get married and raise a family? That question is for another court on another day, Mr. Hobart.

Hobart: That day is coming soon.

McCoy: Offer stands, she can shave 10 years off her sentence.

Hobart: She won't go for it. She'll try anything to stay in in her daughter's life.

McCoy: You're banking on the hope that there's a gay person on that jury.

Hobart: I'm banking there's a parent.

McCoy: [about gay people] Let 'em marry. Why shouldn't they be as miserable as the rest of us?

Hands Free [14.17][edit]

Woman: You're in luck. Jen's been here all day. She's on a creative jag.

Briscoe: I used to have those, except I called them benders.

Madison: The police are out to get me!

McCoy: With 3 dead bodies, can you blame them?

Evil Breeds [14.18][edit]

Briscoe: [handcuffing a suspect] You've heard of the 3 rings of Saturn? These are the 2 rings of Rikers.

[A Nazi war criminal has been found guilty of a Holocaust victim's murder]

Southerlyn: You think Anders is telling the truth...that he didn't have anything to do with Leah Glaser's murder?

McCoy: They knew a guilty man when they saw one.

Vendetta [14.21][edit]

[A man who accidentally cost the Yankees the World Series has been murdered]

Santoro: You're telling me, this guy got killed because he reached for a foul ball?

Briscoe: And the suspect list is the Greater New York phone book.

Green: I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but I'm actually starting to feel real sorry for this dude...

Briscoe: Hey, we were one out away from the World Series!

Gaijin [14.22][edit]

Reporter: Mr. Yoshida, what was your reaction when you heard police had apprehended a suspect in your wife's death?

Mr. Yoshida: Relief. And also sadness. Nothing can bring Tamiko back, but I'm glad the man who did this will pay for his crime...

Briscoe: Yeah, so are we.

Mr. Yoshida: Detectives.

Green: We wanted to welcome you back personally.

Mr. Yoshida: I don't understand.

Briscoe: We brought you a gift from the city of New York: You like jewelry? [cuffs Mr. Yoshida] Bracelets.

Green: Hiroshi Yoshida, you're under arrest for the murder of Tamiko Yoshida.

C.O.D. [14.24][edit]

Green: We're gettin' BlackBerries next year.

Briscoe: Yeah. Next year.

Green: What is up with you?

Briscoe: [sighs] I'm puttin' in my papers, Ed.

Green: What?

Briscoe: It's time.

Green: Really? What are you gonna do?

Briscoe: I don't know. Play golf, shoot pool, lay around in the sun. If I get bored, maybe I'll try the DA's office. Pick up an investigation here and there.

Green: Aw. Damn, Lennie!

[a parcel deliveryman has been murdered moments after completing a delivery]

Briscoe: When you absolutely, positively have to kill somebody overnight.

Briscoe: [final line before leaving] It's nice to go out on a win.

Season 15[edit]

Paradigm [15.01][edit]

Lt. Van Buren: Can I help you?

Fontana: I'm Fontana.

Lt. Van Buren: Oh, hey, Anita Van Buren. This is your new partner.

Green: Hey, man. Ed Green.

Fontana: It's about time they gave me a partner with a little smooth.

Green: [as Fontana leaves] Wasn't sure if he was a cop or a wiseguy.

Lt. Van Buren: Make it work, Ed.

Southerlyn: We could've just ducked the whole issue instead of trying to set policy.

Branch: And I can't believe I have pusillanimous pussyfooters on my own staff.

McCoy: I don't think Spiro Agnew is the person to be quoting here, Arthur.

Branch: If the shoe fits.

The Dead Wives Club [15.02][edit]

Fontana: I never heard a woman talk so good about a man who done her so bad.

Fixed [15.11][edit]

[a paroled ex-con has been murdered]

Fontana: I love a public service homicide, don't you?

Captain Cragen: [about Dr. Lowenstein] I hope he lives a long time in excruciating pain.

Ain't No Love [15.13][edit]

Branch: You know, Serena, if you were right, you were right for the wrong reasons.

Southerlyn: Meaning?

Branch: Emotions, not facts. What was it you said, everyone you talked to said they couldn't have killed that man?

Southerlyn: My emotional responses make me...

Branch: ...an advocate. You're a superb attorney; you ought to be involved in cases that feed your passion.

Southerlyn: Well, that would be wonderful.

Branch: Serena, you must know, that will not happen in this office. It can't. Now, a prosecutor can be zealous, but not passionate. Advocacy is warm-blooded, enforcement's got to be cold-blooded, and blind, and even angry.

Southerlyn: Does Jack feel as strongly about this as you do?

Branch: No, but it's my office and my decision, and he accepts it.

Southerlyn: A decision? You've already made a decision?

Branch: Yes. I have. You're fired.

Southerlyn: Is this because I'm a lesbian?

Branch: No. Of course not. No.

Southerlyn: Good. Good.

Fluency [15.14][edit]

[McCoy is prosecuting a man who counterfeited flu vaccine that killed 16 people]

Green: Elliott Peters, you're under arrest!

Peters: What for?!

Green: For killin' a whole bunch of people! I'd read you a list, but it's too long, you bastard! Turn around!

Fontana: Do me a favor and read this crumb his rights. I don't have the guts for it.

Green: Me, neither. But I don't want there to be any technical difficulties.

[during arraignment]

Pollack: 19 manslaughter counts? Your honor, my client is accused of selling sterile saline solution, a harmless substance.

Borgia: Hardly harmless if it's passed off as flu vaccine. Mr. Peters recklessly caused the death of these people by providing a useless vaccine to a marketplace driven by panic and hysteria.

Pollack: The definition of recklessness is the conscious disregard of a substantial risk.

Borgia: The phony vaccines were sold to at-risk groups. The elderly, young children, people with chronic medical conditions. The victims didn't get the vaccinations they needed because they wrongly believed they were protected by Mr. Peters' worthless version. If I could charge him with 19 counts of murder, too, I would.

Pollack: Your honor, my client allegedly sold sterile saline solution to one party who sold it to another, who sold it to a third, who gave it to someone else who may or may not have gotten the flu. And if they did, may or may not have died from it.

Borgia: Gave it? It was injected into their bodies in lieu of the real vaccine, one that these individuals desperately needed. This "harmless" saline solution would be used by physicians who mistakenly thought they were protecting their patients from a life-threatening illness.

Pollack: Your honor?

Judge Shiro: Save your breath, Mr. Pollack. I, too, regret that your client can't be charged with murder. No bail. Defendant is remanded. [bangs gavel]

McCoy: Mr. Peters, did you ever see an old movie called The Third Man?

Pollack: Your honor?

Judge Karan: Mr. McCoy?

McCoy: The defendant says he couldn't foresee any substantial risk to his actions. I'd like to explore that state of mind a little further.

Judge Karan: Witness may answer.

Peters: The Third Man, with Orson Welles. It's been a long time.

McCoy: Orson Welles plays a black marketeer who steals penicillin, and then dilutes and sells it with tragic consequences. Death, amputation, children dying.

Pollack: Objection.

McCoy: it's a parallel situation, your honor. I think the analogy is apt.

Judge Karan: Overruled.

McCoy: There's a famous scene on a ferris wheel.

Peters: I remember that scene.

McCoy: Orson Welles goes on a ride on a ferris wheel with his friend, and it stops when they get to the top. His friend, who's played by Joseph Cotton, asks: "Why? Why did you do this?" Orson Welles says: "For the money." Joseph Cotton is horrified. "Have you no conscience? How do you live with yourself?" Orson Welles points to the people on the ground far below, and the people on the ground are very small, walking around in the square. And Welles says: "Would you really feel anything if one of those dots down there suddenly stopped moving?" What was your expectation when you labelled your saline solution as flu vaccine and then sold it in bulk to people like Sklar?

Peters: That they'd sell it to someone else.

McCoy: And it would eventually be used as vaccine?

Peters: [chokes up] Sure, eventually.

McCoy: And you couldn't foresee the risk to those patients? They were just dots to you, weren't they? Far away, insignificant.

Pollack: Objection!

McCoy: And if they suddenly stopped moving, who'd care? Not you!

Pollack: Your honor!

Judge Karan: All right, Mr. McCoy. You've made your point.

McCoy: Nothing further, your honor.

The Sixth Man [15.16][edit]

Clerk: Docket #47238. People vs. Silas Inwood. Charge is murder in the second degree.

Judge Valentini: Guess Philly won't be goin' to the playoffs this year.

Chiles: Don't count them out just yet, your honor.

Dining Out [15.18][edit]

Klaas: If people found out that he slept his way to a cooking show on basic cable... I mean, how sad is that?

Borgia: [reading one of Jobson's articles] "Women find Moretti as mouthwatering as his tirimasu..."

Ambrosia Editor: That was another reason she was fired - her writing sucked.

Tombstone [15.20][edit]

[Fontana and Green try to convince Ron Drexler to give them a DNA sample]

Drexler: Is that a threat?

Det. Fontana: A threat? No. A threat would be more like... 'If you stonewall this investigation any more I'm gonna break your jaw. And when you're on the ground, I'm gonna kick you 'till you spit blood you cheap shyster.' That would be a threat. This is more of a request.

[about Nathan Fogg]

Borgia: So mostly he was a good guy?

Lawyer: Sure, if you like hypocritical, narcissistic, cold-hearted frauds.

[about Det. Green's shooting]

McCoy: I'm sorry about your partner.

Fontana: Thanks.

McCoy: Are you alright?

Fontana: I'm thinking...just...thinking.

[McCoy meets with the defense lawyer after Green has been shot and the main witness killed]

McCoy: Forgive me, Rosalie, if I'm not in a very generous mood.

Rosalie: What do you mean?

McCoy: Peluso's body is still warm, Detective Green is fighting for his life. And you called me in to make a deal.

Helton: Jack, the case goes forward today and I'm afraid the prosecution doesn't have a chance without Peluso. I'm willing to take man one with a possibility for parole.

McCoy:[angrily] I'm not having this conversation.

Helton: I'm just trying-

McCoy:[raises voice] I'm not having this conversation!

[Main cast wait outside Green's hospital room. McCoy talks to Van Buren, then addresses Fontana, who is slouched in chair.]

McCoy: How are you doing?

Fontana: Still thinking. [pause]

McCoy: [Helplessly] Is there anything I can do?

[Walks up to McCoy.]

Fontana: You work your side of the fence, McCoy. I'll work mine.

Publish and Perish [15.21][edit]

[Fontana and temporary partner Falco investigate the murder of a porn star, followed by the death of her killer.]

[The detectives discuss Samantha Savage's body.]

Fontana: Samantha Savage? The porn star?

Falco: Kind of hard to tell with her clothes on.

Fontana: First stage of grieving: the media interview.

[Helen DeVries, an editor, talks to a subordinate ]

DeVries: You've got to stop thinking here [points her head] and start thinking here [points to her abdomen]

[McCoy informs Ms. DeVries she may serve a life sentence for killing Samantha Savage.]

DeVries: Life? Are you retarded?

In God We Trust [15.23][edit]

[A murderer is asking for a lenient sentence because of his religious conversion]

Borgia: I'm curious, what would have been your offer?

McCoy: Man 1. [sarcastically] Praise the Lord!

Borgia: Forgiveness is a Christian ideal.

McCoy: And if you don't believe in Christ, well, then you'll just have to serve your time?

McCoy: I don't care if he comes to court with a hair shirt and a scourge, murder is murder.

Locomotion [15.24][edit]

[Someone leaves an SUV on the railroad tracks seconds before the train comes, leading to the death of 12 people and the injury of hundreds. The possible causes range from terrorism to murder to a failed suicide.]

[Interrogating a suspect]

Fontana: It's called motive. M-O-T-I-V-E. MOTIVE.

[speaking emotionally about the crash to Borgia]

Lt. Van Buren: If this case doesn't help to bring back the death penalty to New York state I don't know what will.

Fallon: Millions spent on prisons and almost nothing for health insurance...

McCoy: I don't make social policy.

Fallon: No. You just have to clean up after those who do.

Season 16[edit]

Red Ball [16.01][edit]

Jimmy: I didn't do nothing!

Green: You run pretty fast for someone who didn't do nothing!

McCoy: If you want to fire me, Arthur, go ahead. I'm not going to apologize for what I did.

Branch: Well then, you just don't get it, Jack. You know, you're a great prosecutor, but you'll never be a district attorney.

Flaw [16.02][edit]

[The Special Victims Unit helps detectives track down a mother-daughter con artist team]

Fontana: [points at Lorraine's black eye] What happened to your face?

Lorraine: Would you believe it? A sailing accident.

Fontana: No, I wouldn't.

Lorraine: Too bad. It's the truth.

Fontana: From what I know, you wouldn't know the truth if it handed you a business card.

[Borgia interviews April's ex-lover, who now has AIDS]

Borgia: You're on a medication cocktail?

Driver: I shared a needle with a friend. Now he's dead, and my white-cell count is in the toilet. My life went from April to crap.

Ghosts [16.03][edit]

McCoy: If I were you, Mr. Dolan, I'd hate the police too. The press, the D.A.'s office, me . . . but I'd hate the person who killed my daughter more.

Borgia: I'll cancel my date.

McCoy: You sure?

Borgia: Yeah, he's pretty annoying anyway.

Age of Innocence [16.04][edit]

Dwyer: There was no personal interest in this for me.

Borgia: Your press conferences say different.

Dwyer: You arrested me because of what I stand for, not because of what you think I did.

Fontana: We arrested you because you're a bomb-throwing phony.

Life Line [16.05][edit]

Rogers: If she's a hooker, she's the first one I've seen who wears better underwear than I do.

Drucker: You can't protect me or my son in there and you know that but you don't really care, so you're negotiating in bad faith, Mr. McCoy.

McCoy: I'm not sure what else we can do here, please explain to your client that there isn't a better deal.

Drucker: Your deal will kill my son.

McCoy: You understand what you're facing, Mr. Drucker, a life in prison.

Drucker: Actually, I think I understand it better than you do, Mr. McCoy.

Birthright [16.06][edit]

[A nurse sterilizes young women she sees as unfit mothers]

Fontana: You need a license to drive a car, but they'll let anyone have kids.

McCoy: A white woman sterilizing delinquent girls because she judged them unfit to reproduce? Eugenics.

Borgia: I thought that ended in Nazi Germany.

McCoy: The jurors shouldn't have to think Nurse Rhodes is Dr. Mengele to know that she broke the law.

House of Cards [16.07][edit]

Walters: Post-partum psychosis. Makes post-partum depression look like a day at the beach.

Borgia: Her neighbor says they were near divorce, until Arlene got pregnant. It's kind of sad, don't you think?

McCoy: This woman did a murder-kidnapping. Breaks my heart.

New York Minute [16.08][edit]

Ken: I knew something was going down with his hauls.

Green: Who maintains the rigs?

Ken: I do.

Green: So when you were cleaning out blood, hair, loose fingernails from people who tried to claw their way out of a boiling hot trailer box, you classify that as "something going down"?

Dorn: [while getting arrested] What kind of country locks up its patriots?

Green: The same kind that gives you the right to remain silent. Exercise it.

Criminal Law [16.9][edit]

[after the shooting outside of the courthouse]

Borgia: Fontana and Green are on the way. They wanna get our statements.

McCoy: Fine.

Borgia: Jack, are you okay? Jack?

McCoy: I thought he was aiming at me.

Acid [16.10][edit]

Lt. Van Buren: I want you to find the son of a bitch who did this.

Fontana: I was hoping you'd say that.

McCoy: If I don't leave here with a guilty plea, Mr. Corley, I promise, you'll do 45 years hard time. They'll wheel me out of my retirement home to be at your parole hearings.

Bible Story [16.11][edit]

Branch: Religious fervor.

McCoy: The nitroglycerin of the 21st century.

Family Friend [16.12][edit]

McCoy: Juries aren't stupid.

Krahulik: Really. We must be working different courtrooms.

Magnet [16.14][edit]

Green: Did Loomis give you a big Christmas bonus this year?

Englander: Yes, he did. But I still don't know where they went.

Shane: You know, my firm has been talking about expanding. Have you ever considered going into private practice?

McCoy: Considered and rejected. I learned long ago to accept my place in the world.

Shane: I suppose that's a virtue, though personally, I can't see it.

Choice of Evils [16.15][edit]

Fontana: [to Flint] You know, it's amazing: You gave this kid a life, somebody stole it, and you just don't give a damn. You're as dead as he is.

Borgia: He tormented his family, he battered his girlfriend - Danny Ashburn wasn't a victim, he was an argument for birth control.

McCoy: He's not the one on trial here.

Branch: You oughtta put his pregnant girlfriend on the stand. The jury will admire the mother for not killing him sooner.

McCoy: Justice beyond the law is above my pay grade.

Thinking Makes It So [16.18][edit]

Borgia: Let's not forget that we have a Constitution. Call me a stickler, but I think we should at least pretend to follow it!

McCoy: And I think that the Constitution should be used less as a shield for the guilty, and more as a sword for their innocent victims.

Dworkin: Suppose Lowell wasn't the one who was tortured. Suppose Fontana got him to talk by dunking his wife, or his mother, or his poodle in the toilet. Are we fine with that one, too? [McCoy says nothing] Yeah, I don't know either.

Kingmaker [16.20][edit]

Prescott: Who do you think you're dealing with?

McCoy: Someone who sends other people to do his dirty work.

Branch: Democracy is still the worst form of government, except for all the others.

Invaders [16.22][edit]

[Borgia has been murdered, and McCoy is going to legally questionable lengths to convict her killers]

Branch: Listen to yourself. Your whole plan is fueled by outrage.

McCoy: Outrage is all we have right now.

Branch: What's next? Are you gonna phoney up some pistol evidence? Fake a suppression hearing? Why don't we just bring some actors in here, do the whole damn trial?

Season 17[edit]

Fame [17.01][edit]

[Cassady has just sworn to Carvahal that the NYPD will find her husband's killer]

Lt. Van Buren: [angry] Lesson One: Watch and learn.

Cassady: I was just offering my condolences...

Lt. Van Buren: Watch and learn!

Cassady: [to Green] How many lessons are there?

Green: 740.

Home Sweet [17.03][edit]

McCoy: [about Goodwyn] That's why I'll never get married again.

Rubirosa: Woah, she's your...

McCoy: Second ex-wife's attorney.

McCoy: Well think of it this way: instead of making a giant leap for woman-kind, you'll actually help one of your clients.

Fear America [17.04][edit]

Imam: Which am I first, an American or a Muslim?

McCoy: You need to decide if there's a contradiction.

[Imam's mosque has been torched]

Imam: Mr. McCoy, you asked me before which I was first, an American or a Muslim. It turns out I'm neither. This was thrown through my window. [holds up a brick with the word "TERRORIST" scrawled on it] And this morning, someone did this.

McCoy: I'm sorry. [pause] What did Ben Faoud shout at you in the courtroom?

Imam: "Burn."

McCoy: And what did you say back?

Imam: "God bless the United States of America."

Public Service Homicide [17.05][edit]

Cassady: Hannah Welch, you're under arrest for the murder of Carl Mullaly. You have the right to remain silent...

Welch: You're kidding. He's a pedophile! He strips little girls of their youth, their innocence! He's a monster!

Cassady: It's still murder.

McCoy: If people want to watch a man crawl through a tunnel full of rats, I can only shake my head. But no one gets to sell tickets to a murder.

Profiteer [17.06][edit]

[Green and Cassady are investigating a murder that occurred at a $2 million "Sweet 16" party.]

Cassady: My sweet 16, dad wouldn't even loan me the Buick.

Green: He obviously didn't love you.

Cassady: I told him as much at the time.

Lt. Van Buren: Don't you ever talk out of turn in front of a suspect's lawyer again!

Cassady: It just came out of my mouth.

Lt. Van Buren: Then get a muzzle.

In Vino Veritas [17.07][edit]

[Carroll claims not to remember his drunken, anti-Semitic rant]

Cassady: Are you just saying that because you don't want to talk to a Jew cop?

Carroll: What?

Cassady: Detective Sugar Tits? Jews control the world? Any of that ring a bell?

Carroll: I never said those things.

Green: She's Irish, by the way, in case you wanna to get anything else off your chest.

Green: [to Carroll] You have the right to remain silent.

Cassady: You might want to try it this time.

Deadlock [17.09][edit]

Clerk: Docket #48215. People v. Leon Wayne Vorgitch. Charges are 8 counts of murder in the first degree, escape in the first degree, and criminal possession of a weapon in the second degree.

Judge Bryce: How does the defendant plead, Mr....

Leon: Kiss my ass! That's how I plead.

Judge Bryce: Control your client, counselor.

Edlund: I'll do my best, your honor. He pleads not guilty.

Judge Bryce: And since he's already serving 3 life sentences for mass murder, bail's not an issue.

Rubirosa: But which cell he's returned to is, your honor. The defendant obtained the tools for his escape while incarcerated at Green Haven. People ask that corrections place him in a federal super-max facility pending trial.

Judge Bryce: Mr. Edlund?

Edlund: No objection, your honor.

Judge Bryce: So ordered. [bangs gavel]

Leon: You can lock me up wherever you want, bitch.

Judge Bryce: We're done! Get him out of here!

Leon: You can lock me up wherever you want, 'cause that's all you can do. And next time I get out, I'm comin' straight for you, bitch! [to the court officers] Get your hands off me.

Robert: I did exactly what you were trying to do. Everyone agreed he should die.

McCoy: I was seeking to have Vorgitch legally executed.

Robert: And I executed him. How can you come after me for that?

McCoy: Because New York doesn't have a do-it-yourself death penalty, Mr. Purcell.

Robert: I don't care what the law says.

Rubirosa: That's hardly a defense.

Corner Office [17.10][edit]

Weaver: You think I am guilty because I am a woman with power.

McCoy: No, I think you are guilty for the same reason you bugged your corporate headquarters - you're a person with power who couldn't bear to lose it.

[Rubirosa is upset with McCoy over McCoy's methods to convict Weaver]

McCoy: [to Rubirosa] 'Night.

[After receiving no response, McCoy walks over to Rubirosa]

McCoy: Ask me how I sleep at night.

Rubirosa: [stops packing her briefcase and looks at McCoy] How do you sleep at night?

McCoy: [pause] Like a baby.

[McCoy leaves]

Charity Case [17.12][edit]

[McCoy and Rubirosa are investigating an actress whose adopted child died of mistreatment]

Rubirosa: So, adopting a baby was just a publicity stunt?

Archer: I was giving Christopher a better life, and I was drawing attention to a region of the world that is buckling under an AIDS pandemic.

McCoy: Save that for the press, Mrs. Archer.

Archer: Was he going to be raised by the nanny? Yes, but so is my daughter, and so are the children of a lot of working women.

McCoy: Not to the extent that their children are unrecognizable to them.

Rubirosa: [over a scotch with McCoy] I wanna have kids, you know? I wanna wake up with them in the morning, make them breakfast, see them off to school, and tuck them in at night. I just can't imagine seeing them as a burden.

McCoy: Some people are wired wrong. Ugliest part of our work.

Rubirosa: Babies... babies as fashion... pour me another.

Talking Points [17.13][edit]

Green: [about Barlow] No wonder they call her 'the most hated bitch in America.'

Cassady: You mean woman, right?

Green: No, I mean bitch.

Barlow: People love me.

Branch: I'm sure some people love spiders, too.

Barlow: They eat flies, don't they?

Branch: And we know what flies eat.

Murder Book [17.16][edit]

Branch: Convince me that this is not colored by your history with Lange.

McCoy: I want to convict him, Arthur. This coincides nicely with the fact that he's guilty.

Good Faith [17.17][edit]

Melnick: Mind if I crash your little arm-twisting party?

Reese: I was just trying to protect my daughter.

McCoy: By breaking the Fifth Commandment, Mr. Reese. You not only killed, you killed the wrong man.

The Family Hour [17.22][edit]

McCoy: I'm no politician, Arthur.

Branch: Yeah, that's what everyone says.

Rubirosa: [her closing argument] There is nothing imagined about the wrongs of Trina's childhood. Whatever she was in her adult life, she learned from a master. Randall Bailey had a pathological need to abuse his daughter. A need that he finally took to its logical, deadly conclusion. And thanks to a tricked-up claim of self-defense that has been a staple of crime fiction for decades, he thinks he can get away with it. But consider this. 6-foot, 180 pounds vs. 5' 5", 110 pounds. Consider 13 deep, devastating stab wounds vs. 8 pin pricks. Consider what it took to drive this knife through meat and bone into the body of his own daughter. [stabs a book with Senator Bailey's knife repeatedly] Not once. Not twice. But 13 times! This was not paternal love, or instinct! No! It was murderous rage! [stabs once more]

Senator Bailey: [after his conviction] You're a hack, Dilwynn! You're a pinheaded idiot! I'm gonna make it my business to see you thrown off the bench!

Season 18[edit]

Called Home [18.01][edit]

[Detective Lupo returns from abroad when his brother dies under mysterious circumstances.]

Det. Cormack: Hey, there was another hooker rip-off 2 weeks ago at the McGarrick on 12th. It's almost enough to make a man swear off infidelity.

Rodgers: Serial suicide artist.

Green: Try not to look so excited.

Cutter: Jack, you grew up with Woodward and Bernstein. I grew up with Geraldo.

Darkness [18.02][edit]

Rubirosa: So you were just the dumb muscle?

Barkin: You can kiss my dumb muscle.

Judge Bradley: Just because the power's out doesn't mean we unplug the Constitution.

Misbegotten [18.03][edit]

[Detective Lupo has obtained evidence in a way that might be unconstitutional]

Lt. Van Buren: Tell me you were tying your shoe when he did that.

Green: I was tying my shoe when he did that.

[A doctor involved in the case was investigating a genetic marker for homosexuality]

McCoy: I hear Pandora's box creaking open

McCoy: That's one area where science has been no help- how to keep decent people from making lousy decisions.

Driven [18.05][edit]

McCoy: When's the last time we offered a plea bargain?

Cutter: My summation's ready. I can win this.

McCoy: Famous last words.

Political Animal [18.06][edit]

Vargas: I used to think law was exciting, but politics, campaigning... it's like holding the beating heart of America in your hand.

[Green and Lupo stare]

Vargas: [Grins sheepishly] That must sound pretty terrible.

[ D.A McCoy convinced politician Melanie Carver to wear a wire to gather evidence on her former aide. He later talks to her privately about some things Vargas said during the trial. ]

McCoy: Victor said something about more of the tape. But there was no more on the tape. Did you stop recording?

Carver:[chuckles quietly] Primary's on Tuesday. Don't forget to vote.

Illegal [18.08][edit]

[McCoy has accused Lethem of sabotaging the case against Rodchenko for political reasons]

Lethem: So... there it is. Some of us were wondering how long it'd take the real Jack McCoy to rear his shaggy, hippie liberal head. You know, when Arthur left, the Attorney General told me he wanted me sitting in that chair.

McCoy: And the mayor wanted somebody else... But I was the guy next in line for the job. This way, everybody's hands are clean... And I don't have to grind anybody's axe.

Lethem: Except your own.

McCoy: Josh, I think you've said enough.

Lethem: It's too much power for you, Jack. You can't be trusted.

McCoy: If you really believe that you shouldn't be working for me. You can resign or I can fire you. Either way, clean out your desk tonight. You're done here.

McCoy: What an idiot! Where did I get the idea I could do this job without the politics and stay above the fray? Now I know why Adam Schiff was so grumpy.

McCoy: If there's a law, I will enforce it. If there's a crime, I will prosecute it. And if there is a victim, I will speak for that victim.

Tango [18.10][edit]

Rubirosa: [about one of their witnesses] Timmy came off as an opportunistic, criminal piece of crap.

Cutter: He is an opportunistic, criminal piece of crap.

McCoy: Jurors are people. So are prosecutors. They have reactions. We could put you in a Burqa. Or have robots try cases. Until then, we use what we have.

Betrayal [18.11][edit]

[A woman's alibi witness is her 12 year old daughter, who suddenly changes her story]

Cutter: [to McCoy] I'm going to do something about her alibi witness. You don't want to know.

[Lupo is unhappy with Cutter for browbeating a young witness into testifying against her mother.]

Lupo: Is this some sort of sport to you?

Cutter: [pauses] Stick with your law books, detective. On the page, the law is a much purer thing.

McCoy: [to Dr. Olivet] You're working for the other side now. The gloves will have to come off.

Cutter: 'People v. Fisher.' He smashed his fiance's head in with a hammer. A dozen people saw him do it, he was covered in blood, brain matter... he was acquitted. It wasn't my first case, or my tenth. It happened 4 years ago. There is no such thing as a slam dunk.

[McCoy gave Cutter information about Dr. Olivet that he used to try to discredit her during the trial]:

Dr. Olivet: Not your finest moment, Jack.

McCoy: Nor yours.

Waxman: I am a rock in a sea of chaos I will not be bullied or broken.. I'm a rock in a sea of chaos...

Submission [18.12][edit]

Rubirosa: Would you sleep with a suspect to get a conviction?

Cutter: [smiles] I might go on a date.

Rubirosa: [to Cutter, about Talley] You know, if she she weren't such a lying slut and a disgrace to her profession and, y'know, an accessory to murder... you two might have really hit it off.

Angelgrove [18.13][edit]

McCoy: My God... A training camp for religious fanatics.

Cutter: One that isn't in the Middle East.

Pastor Hensley: What do we say to blasphemers who pollute the Kingdom of God?

Children: THIS MEANS WAR!

Burn Card [18.14][edit]

Bernard: I hate dogs.

Lupo: Oh yeah? Why's that?

Bernard: A stupid nickname I had in Catholic school.

Lupo: Saint Bernard. [Bernard glares at him] Lucky guess.

McCoy: [about Green] The man's been in my office a hundred times. I just kind of assumed he wasn't a murderer.

[Green is leaving the 27th Precinct]

Green: I've been a cop, a gambler and 12 other things that don't necessarily go together that well. How do you do it?

Lt. Van Buren: One foot in front of the other, for 30 years.

Green: I'll let you know where I land. [shakes her hand] Thank you, Lu.

Bogeyman [18.15][edit]

Lupo: Dr. Landry, you're under arrest.

Dr. Landry: Arrest? For what?

Lupo: Let's start with steaming a kid like a hot dog and work from there.

Lt. Van Buren: [about Landry's self-help book] How did I get through life without reading this?

Lupo: Well, I couldn't get through it without aspirin.

Strike [18.16][edit]

Sanderson: I'm innocent! I'm innocent! I'm innocent!

Lupo: We heard you the first time, Ted.

Cutter: You know he killed Dresner.

Rubirosa: As Jack always says, I only know what I can prove in court.

Excalibur [18.18][edit]

[McCoy needs to call the state governor as a witness in a case that is likely to destroy the governor's political career]

Governor Shalvoy: Jack, we need to talk. I just got served a subpoena signed by Michael Cutter.

McCoy: I know, I told him to do it.

Gov. Shalvoy: You told him?! What the hell were you doing?!

McCoy: Helping to convict a murderer. You have maybe 10 days before this goes public. Now go home to your family, to -

Gov. Shalvoy: My family is none of your business! My personal life is not anybody's business! You worry, Jack. You worry how you're going to get elected without me. It's thanks to me that you have this job in the first place. Nobody wanted you!

McCoy: I'd rather be an unemployed lawyer than a well-fed pet.

Gov. Shalvoy: [angry] You're a fool. I had high hopes for you.

McCoy: I had high hopes for you! How could you do this?! To the people who work for you, the people who elected you?! How could you be so reckless with their trust? [hoarse, emotional] I respected you, Donald... respected you.

Season 19[edit]

Rumble [19.01][edit]

Bernard: A stockbroker beaten to death in the middle of a workday? In this economy, this is the kind of thing that might catch on.

Cutter: Crossing the line was one thing when Adam Schiff had your back. Now, you're out there all by yourself.

McCoy: It doesn't bother me.

Cutter: No. It just makes you more stubborn.

Lost Boys [19.03][edit]

[Bernard and Lupo examine a teenage murder victim]

Bernard: Fresh haircut, his nails are clean... he's too well-groomed to be living out on the street. He even tucked his shirt in.

Lupo: He buttoned his top button.

Bernard: Did you walk around like that when you were his age?

Lupo: Not unless my mother made me.

Cutter: You banished Patrick Friendly from True Path 3 years ago.

Landon: Because he violated our rules.

Cutter: He was a 17-year-old boy who smiled at the 16-year-old girl you had designs on.

Landon: I had a revelation.

Cutter: To have sex with a 16-year-old girl? Our prisons are filled with men who had such "revelations".

Falling [19.04][edit]

McCoy: One day you'll thank me for yanking your leash, Mike. I wish someone had been there to yank mine.

Sweetie [19.06][edit]

Mine Shaft bartender: You just missed Dick Cheney.

Bernard: Trust me, I don't miss Dick Cheney.

Lupo: I'm looking for a man who's all man.

Transvestite: Honey, I am more man than you can handle.

Zero [19.07][edit]

McCoy: Can anybody around here read?

Cutter: I believe that is a requirement to graduate from law school.

Bernard: No paper, no plastic, which means no take-out, no magazines, no paper towels…

Lt. Van Buren: No toilet paper?

Lupo: Left hand and a bowl of water. [Van Buren and Bernard just stare at him] Half the world still does it that way.

Lt. Van Buren: That's nasty.

Bernard: Hey, so when you were overseas, doing intel in the boonies… ?

Lupo: Left hand and a bowl of water.

Lt. Van Buren: That's nasty.

Chattel [19.08][edit]

Bernard: We'll call Rubirosa for a subpoena.

Lupo: Well, actually, in law school, that's what we call not such a good idea.

Liz: If we're wrong, we could get disbarred.

Fred: Like the world can't spare 2 lawyers?

By Perjury [19.09][edit]

Lupo: [holds up legal papers from dead man's folder] Charlie's divorce papers. Unsigned.

Bernard: Well the divorce is final now.

Cop: [about an annoying fellow officer] Can't live with him, can't shoot him.

Lucky Stiff [19.11][edit]

Rubirosa: They get away with murder, and inherit $2 million.

Cutter: The American dream.

Anchors Away [19.17][edit]

Cutter: What do you think? Catholic Children's Charitable Trust might have popped Decker and Prescott?

Rubirosa: American Poetry Foundation. That's a cutthroat bunch.

Delaney: 35 years ago, I won an Overseas Press Club Award for my coverage of the fall of Saigon. Now, I make happy talk with morons in low-cut dresses. My career has been dead for a long time, I just – I just haven't had the decency to bury it.

Promote This! [19.18][edit]

Lupo: [about illegal immigration] There's a solution. It's called a depression. Believe me, all those illegal immigrants are heading home.

McCoy: Justice isn't a finite resources. Just because it's given to someone doesn't mean it'll be denied to someone else. But if it is denied to one, it will be denied to all.

All New [19.19][edit]

Bernard: Why would he eat dog food?

Dr. Rodgers: Well, unless he was starving or at my ex-sister-in-law's for Thanksgiving, he wouldn't.

Exchange [19.20][edit]

Bernard: Do you think New York City would hire a mentally ill woman?

Lupo: It would explain a few things about the tax code.

Rubirosa: [to Teale] You're an infant. You think your life sucks now, Mr. Teale? Just wait and see where you wake up tomorrow. And unlike your sister's condition, this will be a nightmare of your own making.

Skate or Die [19.21][edit]

Patrolman: [about three homeless murder victims] They could be hobos. There's a freight line right over there.

Bernard: "Hobos"? What's this, 1933?

Bailiff: Docket no. 36533, People vs. Jonah Applebaum, three counts of murder in the second degree.

Judge Margel: Plea?

Norr: Your Honor, we're going to need a 730 exam.

Jonah: I wanna plead not guilty.

Judge Margel: I believe that may be what your attorney has in mind, sir.

Jonah: No, not not guilty on account of I'm crazy, not guilty on account of I didn't do it.

Judge Margel: Let's just call it not guilty and split hairs later.

[Cutter bends legal ethics to forcibly medicate Jonah so his testimony will be admissable]

Cutter: Because of what I did, a sick man is getting the medication he needs.

McCoy: You didn't do it because of that; you did it to help your case.

Cutter: [shrugs] Win-win.

Season 20[edit]

Reality Bites [20.03][edit]

[Rubirosa is being followed by a camera crew]

Cutter: You having fun?

Rubirosa: I am gonna kill you and then I’m gonna kill McCoy.

Cutter: On camera?

Rubirosa: I don’t…I don’t care! I’d be better off in prison! Where are you?

Cutter: Uh, I’m in the courthouse. [watches her across the street] You almost here?

Rubirosa: Yeah. Uh-huh. [angry] Except first I have to tell my friend the CAMERA what’s going on!

Cutter: What are you gonna say?

Rubirosa: [exasperated sigh] Don’t worry, just the party line.

Dignity [20.05][edit]

Rubirosa: I grew up believing that Roe v. Wade was gospel, and that a woman's right to privacy was sacrosanct. But hearing that woman on the stand talking about her baby dying in her arms...

Cutter: You want moral clarity? Do your job, and put the bad guys behind bars.

Rubirosa: I'm glad it's so clear-cut for you, Mike. But I can't just leave my soul on the coat rack every morning.

[Cutter prosecutes the suspect in the murder of an abortion doctor]

Cutter: We are united by a common belief, that each life is special and unique. And it is that belief which causes us to reject the violence and the chaos represented by Wayne Grogan's actions.

Boy Gone Astray [20.07][edit]

Rubirosa: Tell the judge we need more time. We can reach him.

Cutter: Look at him, Connie. He's been reached.

For the Defense [20.09][edit]

Woll: [eyeing Rubirosa salaciously as she leaves] You too Mike?

Cutter: Me what?

Woll: Come on, she is still hot as hell.

Cutter: What are you talking about?

Woll: Just do it. I did.

Cutter: Woll says that he and Connie had... a sexual relationship. He did everything but show me the dirty pictures.

McCoy: Did you ask her side of the side of the story?

Cutter: It would be crossing the line. I don’t have sex with people that I work with and I don’t ask them about their sex lives. We’re supposed to be smarter than that here, aren’t we? I mean, who’d put themselves in a situation like that?

McCoy: You mean besides me?

Cutter: It is worse for a woman, Jack. To sleep with a teacher, a boss, it demeans them, and a calls into question everything they have accomplished.

McCoy: Do you still think she is competent?

Cutter: Of course I do, but we're coworkers, not lovers... [McCoy looks surprised with this "confession"] ... and that is the way it is supposed to be.

Shotgun [20.10][edit]

Purcell: Well, the cards weren't going my way. Guy with hole aces sitting on the nuts burned me for eight grand. Duane fronted me a loan.

Bernard: He was playing loan shark?

Purcell: He was working for one. Got me $8,000. The vig was one point a week. I paid him back a few days before he got killed. Dudes, I swear, I'm just a guy who sucks at poker.

Lt. Van Buren: ""Have a nice day." I'll have a nice day when I'm cured.

McCoy: Since when is it liberal bias to stand up for human dignity and human life, for fairness under the law? You should reexamine your own values, Mr. Pewls, before you start questioning mine.

Brilliant Disguise [20.15][edit]

[Detectives examine a dead woman found under a room service cart]

Bernard: American cheese and chocolate milk. Must be off the children's menu.

Lupo: Pretty girl like this, I wonder whose menu she was on.

Rubirosa: [about Conway] Now that he has a taste for violence, how likely is he to stop?

Dr. Skoda: How about, "Not bloody likely"?

Rubber Room [20.19][edit]

[McCoy tries to persuade a reluctant witness to tell the police about a former teacher who is planning to shoot up a school]

McCoy: Ms. Scott, I'm Jack McCoy, the District Attorney. We need you to talk to us.

Kralik: I know you know what a subpeona is.

McCoy: Just how far up your ass is your head? A member of your union is threatening to shoot up a school!

Kralik: [sarcastically] Really? I find it hard to believe that any teacher could be pushed over the edge. What do you think did it, Mr. McCoy? Was it being micro-managed by the Department of Education, or having all of the responsibility and none of the authority? Or is it having to dig into their own pockets to pay for classroom supplies? Or maybe it's being abused and assaulted daily by students and their parents!

McCoy: You get no argument from me there. But if your obstruction allows a massacre to happen, I will crucify you, Mr. Kralik. I will charge you with negligent homicide, and after you're convicted, I'll resign my job and represent the victims in a wrongful death suit against you and the union. By the time I'm done, you'll be finished. So my advice to you is GET OUTTA MY WAY!!

Briscoe's Best[edit]

I specifically asked for him to be put on suicide watch. Apparently, here at Riker's that means that they watch you commit suicide.
New Hampshire. I spent a year there one weekend.
It's like I always say: parking in this city will kill ya. (after finding a body in a parking lot)
I'm trying to decide what to arrest you for: obstruction of justice, harboring a fugitive or just being a general pain in the ass!
[holding handcuffs and talking to someone accused of stealing a telescope and murder] You've heard of the Seven Rings of Saturn? These are the Two Rings of Riker's.
There's no such thing as hooker-client confidentiality.
(To the deceased's wife) Your husband had sexual narcolepsy. He kept falling into bed.
(Spotting a man in a full leg cast) Oh look, John. It's the latest thing in menswear.
If I was kidding I'd be wearing a Fez and no pants.
(Responding to Purgatorio of Dante Alighieri's Divine Comedy) Isn't that a strip club?
[After being asked by a suspect what the charge against him was] There's no charge; this one's on us!
She shopped 'til she dropped
Bob? What is that, like Cher?

External links[edit]

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Law & Order

Contents

Opening[edit]

Season 1[edit]

Prescription for Death [1.1][edit]

Subterranean Homeboy Blues [1.2][edit]

The Reaper's Helper [1.3][edit]

Kiss the Girls and Make Them Die [1.4][edit]

Happily Ever After [1.5][edit]

Everybody's Favorite Bagman [1.6][edit]

By Hooker, By Crook [1.7][edit]

Poison Ivy [1.8][edit]

Indifference [1.9][edit]

Prisoner of Love [1.10][edit]

Out of the Half-Light [1.11][edit]

Life Choice [1.12][edit]

A Death in the Family [1.13][edit]

The Violence of Summer [1.14][edit]

The Torrents of Greed (1) [1.15][edit]

The Torrents of Greed (2) [1.16][edit]

Mushrooms [1.17][edit]

The Secret Sharers [1.18][edit]

The Serpent's Tooth [1.19][edit]

The Troubles [1.20][edit]

Sonata For Solo Organ [1.21][edit]

The Blue Wall [1.22][edit]

Season 2[edit]

Confession [2.1][edit]

The Wages of Love [2.2][edit]

Aria [2.3][edit]

Asylum [2.4][edit]

God Bless the Child [2.5][edit]

Misconception [2.6][edit]

In Memory Of... [2.7][edit]

Out of Control [2.08][edit]

Renunciation [2.09][edit]

Heaven [2.10][edit]

His Hour Upon the Stage [2.11][edit]

Star Struck [2.12][edit]

Severance [2.13][edit]

Blood is Thicker [2.14][edit]

Trust [2.15][edit]

Vengeance [2.16][edit]

Sisters of Mercy [2.17][edit]

Cradle to Grave [2.18][edit]

The Fertile Fields [2.19][edit]

Intolerance [2.20][edit]

Silence [2.21][edit]

The Working Stiff [2.22][edit]

Season 3[edit]

Skin Deep [3.1][edit]

Conspiracy [3.2][edit]

Forgiveness [3.3][edit]

The Corporate Veil [3.4][edit]

Wedded Bliss [3.5][edit]

Helpless [3.6][edit]

Self Defense [3.7][edit]

Prince of Darkness [3.8][edit]

Point of View [3.9][edit]

Consultation [3.10][edit]

Extended Family [3.11][edit]

Right to Counsel [3.12][edit]

Night and Fog [3.13][edit]

Promises to Keep [3.14][edit]

Mother Love [3.15][edit]

Jurisdiction [3.16][edit]

Conduct Unbecoming [3.17][edit]

Animal Instinct [3.18][edit]

Virus [3.19][edit]

Securitate [3.20][edit]

Manhood [3.21][edit]

Benevolence [3.22][edit]

Season 4[edit]

Sweeps [4.1][edit]

Volunteers [4.2][edit]

Discord [4.3][edit]

Profile [4.4][edit]

Black Tie [4.5][edit]

Pride and Joy [4.6][edit]

Apocrypha [4.7][edit]