Lazer Team

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Lazer Team is a 2015 American sci-fi comedy film. The film follows the Lazer Team, a group of four who find themselves responsible for the fate of the planet upon discovering an alien crash site containing a battle suit.

Directed by Matt Hullum. Written by Burnie Burns, Chris Demarais, Josh Flanagan, and Matt Hullum.
Mankind's Darkest Hour Needs Our Brightest Team  (taglines)

Opening Text[edit]

For decades, scientists have monitored the cosmos in search of extra-terrestrial intelligence. In 1977, the S.E.T.I. program received a one-time transmission that appeared to come from an alien civilization. Known as the "Wow Signal", its meaning has never been deciphered... At least, that's what we were told.

Antarian Hologram[edit]

  • Greetings, O Champion. The Antarian Federation bestows upon you this Suit of Power. A great battle awaits you. The fate of your world lies in your hands. Our enemy is powerful, but a true champion will prevail. Prepare yourself. And good luck, Champion of Earth. Conflict is coming.

Other[edit]

  • Disheveled Scientist: Man, I freakin' love science!
  • Officer Vendenbloom: You guys are trending, by the way. [Zach: What? Nice.] Can I friend you? If that's a... no. I'll be on the other side of the window... if you need me.

Dialogue[edit]

[Herman nearly runs over Hagan's foot.]
Hagan: Hey! [notices who it is] You're going the wrong way.
Woody: [With a thick hillbilly accent] Sorry, Sheriff.
Herman: He ain't a Sheriff, Woody. He's a half-ass.
[Drives off, kicking water onto Hagan.]
Woody: Bye, Sheriff Half-Ass!
[Hagan has a drunken Zach in the back of his police cruiser.]
Hagan: You're lucky I'm not taking you in, kid. You should be arrested.
Zach: Your face should be arrested. 'Cause your face is a whore!
[Hagan slams on the brakes, sending Zach's forehead into the glass.]
Zach: Ahh!
Hagan: You should really buckle up back there. I'd hate to have to give you a ticket for it.
Zach: Wait, I know you. You're that guy that blew the championship game like 800 years ago! What does everyone call you? Has-Been Halfback? No, it's Half-Ass Hagan!
[Hagan slams on the brakes again, and Zach's face hits the glass again.]
Zach: Seriously, dude, that hurts! Wait, Hagan? Mindy's name-.
Hagan: That's right. Mindy is my daughter.
Zach: Oh, that's why you're trippin' on me. Look, dude I get it. You don't like the idea of someone dating your daughter.
Hagan: You know, kid, I raised my daughter to be a strong, independent woman, who's capable of making her own decisions. That being said, as her father, sometimes I disagree with those decisions.
Zach: Look, don't worry about it. Mindy and I are just friends. I mean, I haven't even banged her yet.
[Hagan slams the brakes again. Same result.]
Zach: Ahh! God!
Hagan: I should really get the brakes checked in this car.
Herman: Well, well, look who it is. Woody, prep another one.
[Woody goes to prepare another firework.]
Hagan: Stay where you are, Woody.
Herman: No, Woody, prep another one. [stands] Look here, Officer. This here is private property.
Hagan: Yeah, you only get to say that when it's your private property, Herman. Besides, you're breaking the law!
Herman: Since when is blowing shit up against the law?
Hagan: Since they invented laws!
Herman: Oh, yeah? What do they say about this? [throws beer can at Hagan, who ducks and the can hits his car.] Add littering to my list of offenses.
Hagan: Look, you can either give me the fireworks, or you can spend the night in a drunk tank. And that goes for you too, Woody!
Woody: I done that before! Someone threw a ball and I fell in a tub of water.
Hagan: [confused] No, that's a dunk tank, Woody. The drunk tank is jail.
Woody: Oh, I don't wanna do that.
Herman: You want the fireworks? Fine. I'll give you a firework.
[Herman pulls a large firework from his bag.]
Woody: Ooh. The Mama Gigante.
Herman: High-pressure moment. Whatcha gonna do, Hagan?
Hagan: Herman?
Herman: [Prepares to light the firework with a blowtorch.] Oooh, this is gonna be a big one,
Hagan: Do not light that firework.
Zach: Do it! Light that bastard!
Hagan: Alright, one more word out of you, and I'll-.
Zach: What, you're gonna double-arrest me? Ha-ha-ha!
Hagan: [clearly annoyed] Herman!
[Woody notices a strange light in the sky]
Woody: Uh... Officer Hagan?
Hagan: Not now, Woody! Herman! Do. Not. Light. That.
[Herman lights the firework]
Herman: Oops. Too slow. Just like always.
Hagan: [reaching for his cuffs] That's it! Come- [suddenly notices the same light] What is that?
Herman: Yeah, you think I'm gonna fall for-. [also notices] Oh.
[The Mama Gigante goes off while they stare. It heads straight for the light.]
Hagan: Oh, shit!
[The firework hits the ship, sending it crashing downward.]
Hagan: [to Herman] That is your fault! You did the one thing I told you not to do!
Herman: I shot E.T.! I killed E.T.! I didn't mean to do it!
[The ship is heading straight for Hagan's car with Zach still inside.]
Zach: Guys, guys, guys! Help! Help! Hagan, I promise I won't try to bang your daughter! Third base, tops!
[Hagan gets him out in time, and the ship crashes through the car and into the ground. At the military base, the soldiers hear the commotion.]
Colonel Emory: What in God's name was that?
Hagan: What the hell was that?!
Herman: That was... Woody's fault.
Woody: My bad.
[Herman runs away from some soldiers using his new boots, but doesn't get very far before vomiting and fainting.]
Soldier: Did we take him out?
Officer Vandenbloom: No, I think he just fainted.
Soldier: [pause] Take him out again.
Officer Vandenbloom: [to other soldiers] Take him out again!
[Another soldier sprays mace onto an unconscious Herman.]
Soldier 2: Stop resisting!

Taglines[edit]

  • Mankind's Darkest Hour Needs Our Brightest Team.

Cast[edit]

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