Legally Blonde (musical)
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Legally Blonde is a musical based on the Amanda Brown novel and the 2001 film of the same name. The musical features the book by Heather Hach, music and lyrics by Laurence O'Keefe and Nell Benjamin, and direction and choreography by Jerry Mitchell.
Omigod You Guys
- (Pilar) Dear Elle, he's a lucky guy, I'm like gonna cry. I've got tears coming out of my nose.
- (Margot) Dear Elle, Honey Mazel Tov, futures taking off, bring that ring back and show it to me.
- (All sorority sisters) Omigod, omigod you guys. Looks like Elle's gonna win the prize. If there ever was a perfect couple this one qualifies. Omigod you guys. Elle and Warner were meant to be. (Sorority sister) Not once ever has he hit on me! (Serena) Shut UP! (Margot) They're just like that couple from Titanic. Only no one dies! (All) Omigod you guys!
- (All) Daughter of Delta Nu! Soon to be fiance. Now that a man chose you, your life begins today. Make him a happy home. Waste not your hard earned wage. And so he does not roam, strive not to look your age. Still in your hour of need, let it be understood. No man should superscede, or sacred bond of sisterhood!
- (Elle) This dress has to seal the deal, make a grown man kneel. But can't come right out and say bride. Can't look like I'm desperate or like I'm asking for it. I have to leave Warner his pride. So bride is more implied.
- (Elle) Omigod, omigod you guys! All this week I've had butterflies, everytime he looks at me it's totally proposal eyes! Omigod you guys. So help me dress for my fairy tale. Can't wear something I've bought on sale.
- (Warner) We both know why we're here. I see it in your eyes. I guess it calms my fear. To know it's not a suprise. Take one look at you, looking like a dream come true. Would leave me speachless like you always do. But know we're wide awake, and have some plans to make. Let's take some action baby. Now baby give me your hand. We've got some dreams to make true.
- (Warner) It's time to get serious, time to get serious, with you.
- (Elle) I never thought that I... (Warner spoken) uh honey... I'm not finished.
- (Warner) Since I was two or three, my life was planned out neat! I'd get my law degree, and then win my senate seat. A great big house out east. All of the amenities. Three kids at least just like the Kennedy's!
- (Warner) Serious, got to get up and take our journy. Serious telling you know as a future attorney. You want the moon and sky! Well take it don't be shy! Baby that's why you and I. Should break up!
- (Elle, expecting proposal) Yes baby I'll give you my hand, wait WHAT!
- (Warner spoken) Elle, if I want to be a senator by the time I'm 30 I need somebody, (sung) Serious, less of a Marilyn more of a Jackie. Serious somebody classy and not to tacky! Ok that came out wrong. Now baby let's both be strong, I mean we knew all along!
What you Want
- (Elle) What you want, Warner, what you want is me, but you need to see me in a brand new domain. Well it's plain, Harvard is the perfect setting you will see you're getting all of this, plus a brain! I'll meet you there at Harvard with a book in my hand. Big sturdy book, big wordy book. Full of words I'll understand and right there is where you'll see it true. Warner what you want is right in front of you!
- (Elle) Step 1. He's up to Harvard law, so I get in there too. (P.M.S. girls) Step two? (Elle) Make Warner reassess, impress him with my high I.Q. (Girls) Step 3? (Elle) Throw a great big wedding (Elle and girls) And invite all Delta Nu!
- (Kate) What you want, sweetheart is no easy thing. If you're gonna swing it, it will wreck your senior spring. You'll need a LSAT score of more then 174. So no more parties for you. You'll need a killer essay or do not even hope. And glowing letters from your betters. Any chance you know the pope? (Elle) ahh, nope. (Kate) Too bad cause that would be a qi, and you've got a lot of work in front of you!
- (Margot spoken) Hey everybody! It's the Spring Fling Beer Bash Extreme! (Frat guys) Extreme! (Margot) This years theme: Jamaican me Crazy!
- (Reggae guy) What you want you wanna be out becuz the sun she warm! What you want you wanna study stuck inside your dorm. What you want you wanna party with us all night long what you want you wanna be strong! (Kate) Be strong! (Guys) Wooho!
- (Reggae) What you want you wanna be groovin bumpin shake da room. Whacha want you wanna be provin somethin and ta whom? Whacha want you wanna be provin that you youth is gone. What you want you wann hold on. (Elle) Hold on! (guys) wooho!
- (Reggae) What you want you wanna breathin in da healthy air. Whacha want you wanna be chasin him and he don't care. Whacha want you wanna ignore the pity in their looks. What you want you wanna say sorry got hit me books. Whacha want you wanna be sitting like a lonely child. Whacha want you wanna be drvin all da fellow wild whacha want you wanna be feelin good to be alive!
- (Aaron) Aaron Schultz, I won a Fulbright and a Rhodes. I write finical softwear codes. But that's a challenge I've outgrown. How money yachts can one man own? Some say that I'm a pompous freak. Somehow I don't lose that much sleep. Why bother with false modesty. Harvards the perfect place for me.
- (Enid, Sundeep, Emette) Pretty impressive good to know. (Emette) Welcolm to Harvard, (Sundeep) Wassup? (Enid) yo!
- (Sundeep) Sundeep Agrwal Padamadan, but you may call me your majesty. In my country, my word was law, but then I flee, because of stupid Coup d'Etat. But here I learn, I make new friends, and soon return in bullet proof Mercedes Benz.
- (Enid) I did the peace cores over sea's inoculating refugees from family clinics that I built myself from mud and trees. I fought to clean up their lagoons and save their rare endagered loons and led a protest march against insensitive cartoons!
- (Aaron, Sundeep, Emette) Pretty impress- (Enid) But now I'm on the legal track because this countries out of wack and only women have the guts to go and take it back. We'll get the government come clean and get more people voting green and really stick it to the phallocentric war machine!
Blood in the Water
- (Callaghan very Vaudville) Our topic is blood in the water, kids, it's time you faced, law school is a waste. Oh yes! Unless you acquire a taste for, Blood in the Water. Dark and red and raw! There's nothing until the thrill of the kill becomes your only law.
- (Callaghan spoken) Mr. Schultz hypothetical question, would you defend the following lawyer accused of fraud? (Sung spoken) A kind old grandma takes her savings and she sent it. Off to you client everything she saved since she was born. He promised to invest it but he spent it. On prostitutes and herion and porn!
- (Callaghan) This one is a win unless you're lazy. Grandma's broke she's got some hack from legal aid! Put her on the stand and call her old and crazy. Your guy goes free and he can get you high and laid!
- (Callaghan spoken) Ms. Hoops, another hypothetical question, (sung spoken) Say they offer you a bundle for defending. A famous hitman for the mafia elite. Seems he missed his chosen prey killed a nun and drove a way running over three cute puppies in the street.
- (Enid spoken) What? You think I wouldn't defend him just because he is a typical man? (Callghan spoken) Oh you lesbian's think you're so tough!
- (Callaghan) Oh dear! I fear my comment has offended. Hard to argue though when your emotions make you weak! Your employment will be very quickly ended. Once they see how your emotions make you weak!
- (Callaghan) So what's my point I run a billion dollar law firm. And I hire four new interns every year! From this class I will select four young sharks whom I respect and those four will have a guaranteed career. Do you follow me?!
- (Callaghan to Elle) You heard your classmates. You have just been killed. They cut your throat so grab your coat. Yes you had guts but know they're spilled. Your bloods in the water. So would you please be gone. And if you return be ready to learn. Or is that unfair? Oh wait. I don't care. That's just how I roll right here in school. With fear and shock and awe. You're nothing until, the thrill of the kill. Becomes, your, only law! Your only law. Your only law. AWWWWEEE!
- (Greek chorus) Keep in positive. (Serena) As you slap her to the floor. (Chorus) Keep it positve (Pilar) As you pull her hair and call her whore. (Margot) You can take her in a fight (Serena) You and he will reunite. (P.M.S girls) You know we're right we're positive, we're positive.
- (Elle) Violence is never wise. Not the way to win back guys. Anyway she's twice my size. Who's got a plan B?
- (Pilar) Uh me! Look at her she's like a nun. Show him you are way more fun. Bust out the lapdance and you've won! You off the hizzle G! (Chorus) Keep it positive (Margot) Yeah let out your inner freak! (Chorus) Keep it positve (Serena) Ms. Prissy pants won't last a weak! (Pilar) You whet his appetite. (Margot) You and he will reunite.
- (Elle) Girls I'm positive. That'd we've taken this to fare! Yes I'm positive, this is Harvard, not a stripper bar. All this trashy carrying on. That's the reason that he's gone. I need a salon! Yes I'm positive, try not to get upset. Oh I'm positive, that it's time for me to go brunette! Being blonde and being hot. That got me exactly squat. Time to show him I've got more to gain. Oh I positive!
- (Warner) Those parties senior year, I thought we ruled the world! (Elle) You funneled all that beer, I held your head while you hurled.
- (Warner) We were like ggods back then, walking among common men. Tell me. Why can't it be that way again?
- (Elle) You have your future all planned (Warner) Yes I do, yes I do (Elle) What if I'm standing there too!? (Warner) Wait I'm not following you.
- (Elle) I'm here cause I'm serious. (Warner) Yeah right you look real serious.
Chip on my Shoulder
- (Emmett) What what, you came her to follow a man, Harvard law was just part of that plan. What rich romantic planet are you from? (Elle) Malibu? (Emmett) Instead of lying outside by the pool, you chase some guy to an Ivy league school? That's the weirdest reason I--- (Elle) Well why'd you come?
- (Emmett) I grew up in the Roxbury slums. With my mom and a series of bums. Guys who showed me all the way a man could fail. I got through law school by busting my ass. Worked two jobs in a addition to class. So excuse me for not weeping at your tale.
- (Emmett) I got a chip on my shoulder. And it's big as a boulder. With the chance I've been given I'm gonna be driven as hell. I'm so close I can taste it. So I'm not gonna waste it. I got a chip on my shoulder maybe you should get one as well.
- (Emmett) Well I don't go to parties a lot, not good use for the time that I've got. Can't spend hours doing my hair or staying in shape. But I know it would all by worth while once I win my first lucrative and buy my mom that great big house out on the cape!
- (Elle) That's so sweet! (Emmett) No that's the chip on my shoulder. I hugged my mom and told her. With the chance I've been given I'm gonna be driven as hell. Though I can't take the day off. I just think of the payoff. You need a chip on your shoulder. Little Ms. Woods comma Elle.
- (Emmett) You know this vanities real picturesque, but it started its life as a desk. Clear it off and find some room for books instead. Can you live without this can you live without that. I don't know what this is! (Elle) It's for hair, (Emmett) Wear a hat! Spend some time improving what's inside your head. Out! Out! Put it in storage sell it on ebay, leave it behind! Out out! What are you angry! Good so get angry you might find a chip on your shoulder! (Elle) ugh! (Emmette) Oh the room just got colder. With the chance you've been given how are you not driven as hell?
- (Emmett) Well I predict you will probably pass (Elle) Yes! (Emmett) In the bottem percent of your class. If you're going for mediocre, you've done great. (Elle) That's not fair! (Emmett) Look they're laughing at me like they're laughing at you. You can't win if you don't follow through. Might I venture your vacation plans can wait?
- (Emmett) Guess she got a chip on her shoulder. Maybe some wise man told her. With the chance she's been given she should be driven as hell. She was something to see there, I'm just happy I could be there. She got a chip on her shoulder. Guess you never can teeeellllllllllllll. About little Ms. Woods comma Elle!
Whipped into Shape
- (Brooke) Do you want an easy miracle? Do you want to lose a pound or two? Them turn this video off right now. My workout's not for you! I'm talking to the women who wants it all! Who wants to pay for what she gets. Cause size two clothes don't come for those to lazy to sweat!
- (All) I want you whipped into shape, when I say jump say, "How high?" You know you're doing it right when you start to cry. If you don't look like you should. You got to whip whip whip it good. I'm sorry ladies no escape. Until you're whipped into shape.
- (Callaghan) Meet our brand new client Brooke. Laugh if you must but she's made tons. Off her DVD's and books, "Whip your Way to Tighter Buns" Happily married so she swears. To her 60 year old stud. Till step daughter came down stairs and found Brooke all covered in his blood. If Brooke took a plea I'd have her out in 3 to 4. But she swears she did not kill him. (Warner) Did she? (Callaghan) Let's watch some more.
- (Brooke) It's more then just a work out it's a defensive weapon too! Just wrap it around your assalints neck and pull till he turns blue! You can also use the patented handle grip to shatter you attackers spine. All for three small payments of 19.99!
- (All) You'll get him whipped into shape if you get grief from a guy. You'll work him over with this, till he starts to cry. If he don't act like he should. You've got to whip it whip it whip it good! It gets you out of any sway. And gets you whipped into shape!f
- (Callaghan) Hands. Who thinks she's guilty? Here is where you kids come in. Brooke has trouble trusting me. I'm her only chance to win, but I don't speak MTV. Brooke won't help her own defense, she may listen to her peers. Go and place a little sense in a place between her ears. I want her whipped into shape. If there's a brain in that hair, I want a bargain with her. It's a plea or the chair. When I talk to her I get neither Plea nor Plan nor Allibi. To quote from my defendents tape! I want her whipped into shape!
There! Right There! (Gay or European)
- (Elle) There! Right there! Look at that tan well tended skin! Look at the killer shape he's in! Look at that slightly stubbly chin! Oh please he's gay totally gay! (Callaghan) I'm not about to celebrate, every trait could indicate a totally straight expatriate! That guys not gay! I say not gay!
- (All) That is the elephant in the room. Well is a relative to assume that a man who wears perfume is automatically radically fey! (Emmett) Look at his quoft and crispy locks! (Elle) Look at his silk translucent socks! (Callaghan) There's the eternal paradox look what we're seeing! (Vivianne) What are we seeing? (Callaghan) Is he gay (Elle) Of course he's gay. (Callaghan) Or european?
- (All) Ooooohhhh! Gay or european? It's hard to guarentee. Is he gay or european? (Warner) Well hey don't look at me! (Vivianne) You see they bring their boy up different in those charming foreign ports. They play peculiar sports! In shiny shirts and tiny shorts! Gay or foreign fella! The answer could take weeks! They both say things like Ciao Bella while they kiss you on both cheeks! (Elle) Oh please! (All) Gay or european, so many shades of grey! (Warner) Depending on the time of day the french go either way! (All) Is he gay or european or
- (Enid) There! Right there! Look at that condescending smirk! Seen in on every guy at work! That is a metro-hetro jerk! That guys not gay I say no way! (All) That is the elephant in the room well is it relevent to assume that a hotty in that costume in automatically radically, certainlly flirtingly, genetically, medically. Gay officially gay! Swishingly gay gay gay gay! (Nikos kisses the hand of the judge) (All) Damnit! Gay or european? (Callaghan) So stylish and relaxed? (All) Is he gay or european? (Callaghan) I think his chest is waxed!
- (Vivianne) But they bring their boys up different there! It's culturally diverse! It's not a fashion curse! (All) If he wears a kilt or bares a purse. Gay or just exotic, I still can't crack the code! (Brooke) His accent is hypnotic! But his shoes are pointy toed! (All) Gay or european! So many shades of grey! (Judge) But if he turns out straight I'm free at 8 on saturday! (All) Is he gay or european! Gay or european! Gay or euro-
- (Emmett) Wait a minute, I think I can crack this guy. I have an idea I'd like to try! (Callaghan) The floor is yours.
- (Emmett spoken) So Mr. Argytakos this affair with Ms. Windham has been going on for? (Nikos all spoken) 2 years (Emmett) And your first name? (Nikos) Nikos. (Emmett) And your boyfriends name? (Nikos) Carlos. (Nikos choking, trying to cover) I'm sorry I misheard! You say boyfriend, I thoght you say bestfriend! Carlos is my, best friend!
- (Carlos spoken) You bastard! You lying bastard! That it! I no cover for you no more! Peoples I has a big announcement to make! (Sung) This man is gay and european! (all) Woah! (Carlos) And neither is disgrace! You've got to stop you being a completely closet case! It me not her he seeing! No matter what he say! I swear he never ever ever swing the other way! You are so gay you big parfait! You flaming one man caberet! (Nikos) I'm straight! (Carlos) You were not yesterday! So if I may! I'm proud to say! He's gay! (All) And european! (Carlos) He's gay! (all) And european (Carlos) Please gay! (All) And european and gay! (Nikos) Fine Ok! I'm gay! (All) Hooray!