Lesbian Vampire Killers

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Lesbian Vampire Killers is a 2009 horror-comedy film starring James Corden about the legend of Carmilla the Vampire Queen and her war with the villagers of Cragwich, Suffolk.


  • The name's Fletch.
  • Maybe it's just... that I don't like kids, y'know.
  • (about Jimmy's hiking idea) That... is one of the shittiest ideas for a holiday I have ever heard!
  • So... what're five beautiful girls like you doing out on a night like this?
  • These girls are going to the exact same place we are going!
  • (after the final battle) Completely fucking unbelivable!

Jimmy McLaren

  • Did you punch a girl?
  • Let's go hiking.
  • {to Trudi) That doesn't even make the slighest bit of sense!
  • (after Fletch destroys his phone)What was that for?
  • She has a pure spirit.
  • (when the lesbian vampires are hovering at the door) So, all we need to do really is sit tight and wait 'til morning. I mean, it's not like we're going to say Hey, lesbian vampires, come into our cottage, is it? (realizes what he's done has invited them inside) Ah, shit.

Carmilla the Vampire Queen

  • If you strike me down, you shall bring about a curse to your daughters, and your daughters' daughters! And when I am struck down I shall rise again, more powerful than you can ever imagine!
  • McLadden...


  • We are gathered here, under the light of the red Moon.
  • It is time.


  • Jimmy: I have an idea.
  • Fletch: Does it involve girls?
  • Jimmy: An idea.
  • Jimmy: Let's go hiking!
  • Fletch: (bursts out laughing:) THAT... is one of the most depressingly shittiest ideas for a holiday I have ever heard!

(opening narration)
  • Narrator: At the dawn of the Roman era, our hamlet was beseiged by a beast. A creature from the deepest pits of Hades, born of the hatred of men, and the lust for women. Its name, Carmilla.

Jimmy: Wherever it lands on the map, we'll go!
(he throws his dart which lands somewhere in Suffolk)
  • Fletch: (goes up to look) How do you pronounce that? Crags-wich? Crag-wich?
  • Jimmy: I'll tell you what it is, it's called an A-D-V-N-T-U-R-E, my friend.

  • Lotte: Do you like Carmilla?
  • Jimmy: Uh, I dunno. Is that who it is?
  • Lotte: Yes, Carmilla, the Vampire Queen.
  • Jimmy: Vampire Queen?
  • Lotte: Yes, but according to beliefs she's much more than your average vampire. She's rumoured to be over two thousand years old.
  • Jimmy: So you believe in all that Dungeons & Dragons jumbo?
  • Lotte: Oh, my family were very superstitious.


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