Letterkenny (TV series)

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Letterkenny is a Canadian sitcom about the residents of a small, fictional town in Ontario, Canada. It began as a Youtube webseries, and was commissioned by Crave in 2015.

Season 1[edit]

Ain't No Reason to Get Excited [1.01][edit]

Katy: Wayne. How're you now?
Wayne: Good and you?
Katy: Not so bad.

Reilly: Nice onesie. Does it come in men's?
Wayne: Oh, I think you cum in men enough for all of us.
Reilly: I think you better come in my...I mean, you better come...
Jonesy: I think you better come say that to his face, you fucking hicks!
Daryl: - Nice execution....
Wayne: You're doin' terrific.

Daryl's Super Soft Birthday [1.02][edit]

Katie: Look, keep it at the end of the laneway, no degens on the property.
Wayne: That's a Texas-sized 10-4.
Katie: Over and out.

Daryl': Think we should call The Ginger?
Wayne: No.
Daryl: Why not? He's tougher than hell.
Wayne: Yeah, but.....like, you heard he fucked an ostrich, right?
Daryl: ....What?
Wayne: He fucked an ostrich
Squirrelly Dan: Allegedly.
Daryl: How does a fella get caught up in that sort of business?
Wayne: Well, I guess his cousin had an ostrich farm, when he thought it might be fun to fuck one.
Squirrelly Dan: Allegedly!

Fartbook [1.03][edit]

Squirrelly Dan: You appreciates my metaphors Miss Katy and that's what I appreciates about you.
Katy: Oh, is that what you appreciate about me?
Wayne: Let's take about five to ten percent off that, Squirrelly Dan.

Wayne: You better settle down over there or I'm going to come talk to you.
Daryl: You know what, there's two things about you that I don't like - and it's your face!
Wayne: There's one thing about your own face you're not going to like, and that's when I come give it the beats!

Wingman Wayne [1.04][edit]

Gail: (in the context of a conversation about Boots) You guys ever hear anything about that guy fucking an ostrich?
Wayne: No, it was The Ginger that fucked an ostrich.
Squirrelly Dan: Allegedly.
Gail: It would take more than one person to fuck an ostrich.
Wayne: We've heard it was a sick ostrich.
Gail: Well, it would take two guys to fuck an ostrich. Three, even.
Wayne: Again, we're hearing it was a sick ostrich.
Gail: Still, it's a three-man job to fuck one.

Rave [1.05][edit]

Wayne: Agricultural Halls are for agricultural music, not for fuckin' raves!
McMurray: Well, that's no way to get your communication badge, Boy Scout.

Stewart: Yes, there will be MDMA at my rave at the Ag Hall. There will be MDMA, DMT, PCP, LSD, LED and probably UFC. But+ I'm clean and sober.
Wayne: You are spare parts, aren't you, bud?

A Fuss in the Back Bush [1.06][edit]

Tanis: If they fucked an ostrich, what else have they fucked?
Wayne: Just the Ginger fucked an ostrich.
Squirrelly Dan: Allegedly.

Season 2[edit]

A Fuss at the Ag Hall [2.01][edit]

[Stewart arrives to pick up Katy.]

Wayne: I can see the muscle shirt came today. Muscles coming tomorrow?
Daryl: You get a tracking number?
Wayne: Boy, I hope you got a tracking number.
Daryl: That package is going to be smaller than the one you're currently sporting.
Wayne: Tall order, Dary.

[At the Agricultural Hall, McMurray motions to move excess coat hangers from the rear hall to the front hall].
Wayne: 'kay.
McMurray: Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, look at me, Wayne, Wayne. There is a tried, tested, and true system at work here, and as President of the Agricultural Hall, I must demand it be respected. One member makes a motion. Then another member seconds that motion.
Wayne: Second, 'kay.
McMurray: "Kay" is not a second.
Wayne: Well, it's the second time I said, 'kay.
McMurray: So you second my motion?
Wayne: You wanna know what, I'm all out of seconds, bud.
McMurray: So it's not a second.
Wayne: Well, this is taking too many seconds is what I'm saying.
McMurray: Well, you only have to second once.
Wayne: All right, give me a second.
McMurray: So are you saying that you second or you need a second?
Wayne: Well, one second.
McMurray: All right, Wayne you shall be given one second.
(everyone pauses while Wayne looks away)
McMurray: While Wayne is taking a second....
Wayne: I second the fucking motion, McMurray, now move the fucking coat hangers!

The Elections [2.02][edit]

Stewart is trying to convince Wayne to make a campaign video for the agricultural hall president election.

Stewart: I hear McMurray has commissioned Devon, et al to make a video for his campaign. I suggest you follow suit.
Wayne: What sort of video?
Stewart: A spectacle! Pure adrenaline! Babylonian!
Wayne: You're spare parts, bud.

Wayne: Run along Stewart, before I get tired of behaving.
(Stewart flees)
Wayne: Well, she's back to chorin'.

Relationships [2.03][edit]

[Squirrelly Dan, Daryl, and Wayne are throwing a baseball around and talking about Dan's date the previous night].

Squirrelly Dan: Well, nots to be impolites, but this gal suggested that maybe I should have some attentions paids to my butts hole. That ever happen to you guys, you ever had a gal suggest you need some attention paid to your butts hole?
Daryl and Wayne turn away from Squirrrelly Dan and ignore him while tossing the ball only to each other.
Squirrelly Dan: I'll take that as a hard no, I guess? She put a couple of fingers up there, and it turns you got - uh - an erogenous zone - up there.....Found the - uh - the hot button and - um - gaves it a tickle.....and, uh.....(increasingly high-pitched) yeah - feels, uh.
Squirrelly Dan: (defiantly) It feels pretty good, you guys, okay?
Daryl, to Wayne: Pop fly! (throws ball)
Squirrelly Dan: I really liked it! It felt - it felt very natural.
Wayne, to Daryl: Nice! (throws ball back).
Squirrelly Dan: They call it 'milking the prostate'.
Wayne, later: Well, it's impolite to kiss and tell.

The Native Flu [2.04][edit]

Wayne has been arguing that the rumour that Ginger and Boots fucked an ostrich can't be true, as ostriches are well capable of defending themselves.

Daryl: Maybe they tranq'd the ostrich.
Squirrelly Dan: Like they roofied the ostrich?
Wayne: You wanna know what? You should feel bad for even suggesting the Ginger and Boots fucked an ostrich. Bad gas travels real fast in a small town. My research concludes that the only way the Ginger and Boots could have fucked an ostrich is if it was a dead ostrich.
Glen (riding past on a bicycle): A dead ostrich??? I thought it was just sick, oh my!
Glen makes a phone call and can be heard saying, "Ginny? The Ginger and Boots effed a dead ostrich!
Wayne: Oh, bother.

Daryl: I found an eyelash, make a wish.
Wayne: Wish you weren't so fuckin' awkward, bud.

Uncle Eddie's Trust [2.05][edit]

Katy and Wayne are discussing an amount of money they will invest into the Letterkenny community.
Katy: Well, how do you want to fuck this pig?
Wayne: Better put it on your fuckin' Facebook.
Katy: Pitter patter.
Wayne: Let's get at 'er.

Daryl and Squirrelly Dan are discussing a business venture that will, amongst other things, 'condemn homosexuals'.
Katy: What do you have against homosexuals?
Squirrelly Dan: Me? Nothing. LQBT is all rights with me.
Katy: Daryl?
Daryl: Uh. Nothin'.
Katy: So why do you want to condemn them?
Wayne: Yeah?
Squirrelly Dan: We seens it on the TV shows.
Wayne and Katy: We know.
Daryl: We actually seens it on two TV shows.
Wayne and Katy: We know.
Squirrelly Dan: One was the TV show we seens it on, and then the other was a news program about what we seens on the TV show.
Wayne and Katy: We know.
Squirrelly Dan: But those guys were popular, and they looks like they were having lots of funs, so we just figured if we did whats they did....
Daryl: ...then we'd have lots of fun too.

Finding Stormy a Stud [2.06][edit]

Coach: Reilly. Jonesy. You guys been gettin' a lot of ice time?
Reilly: Well, actually…
Coach: I'm just kiddin', I don't give a fuck. I stepped down from your old junior team. Turns out the senior team needed a new bench boss. Real work to be done here. Real men. Turns out you guys have been havin' a bit of a cake walk up here, huh? Is that right, Reilly? Eh, a little angel cake? A little angel food cake with a top glaze? Huh? Have your mom mix up the egg whites and the vanilla? Huh? Have your mom cut it with a knife or a small spatula through the batter releasing air bubbles and bake? Light as air? Huh? Virtually fat-free? Fuck you, pheasant!
Jonesy: Come on, man.
Coach: Oh, Jonesy's got something to say. What kind of cake are you walkin', huh? A little Lady Baltimore? Huh? A little date and walnut loaf? A little Napoleonshatte?
Reilly: Coach, it's not that we're...
Coach: Cake walk's over, all right, Johnny Cheechoo and Chuck Huddy? Gonna have the boys tossing up sueys up the middle all night, just tossing up hot suey sauce? You know why? 'Cause you've been skipped leg day! You think you can skirt legs and crack the Czech Extraliga? Huh? You couldn't even crack the HockeyAllsvenska, let alone the Deutsche Eishockey Liga! Fuck! You plugs are gonna learn some jam. It is fuckin' embarrassing!

St. Patrick's Day Special: St Perfect's Day[edit]

Wayne: All's I'm saying is that it's a little bit hypocritical for us to be mad at degens from up country for not respecting our St. Patrick's Day party when we, ourselves, are not respecting St. Patrick. I'm just saying if somebody's got their fucking day, give them their fucking day.
Katy: You aren't even religious.
Wayne: Who's got that kind of money?

Wayne: You wanna know what, so long as everyone's having a good time, ain't no reason to be a poopy-pants.
McMurray: Everyone is not having a good time.
Wayne: Well, so long as most people are having a good time, ain't no reason to be a poopy-pants.
McMurray: Most people are not having a good time.
Wayne: Is anyone having a good time?
McMurray: No.
Wayne: Then I shall be a poopy-pants.

Season 3[edit]

Sled Shack [3.01][edit]

Puck Bunny [3.02][edit]

MoDeans II [3.03][edit]

Les Hiques [3.04][edit]

Squirrelly Dan: I loves fishin' in Kwee-bec..
Katy: Who doesn't love fishin' in Kay-bec?
Wayne: Great fishin' in Kyu-bec!
Daryl: I fuckin' hate Quebec...
Wayne: Get this guy a fucking Puppers.

Daryl: I still don't know what the fuck you're saying, but other than Georges St-Pierre, every Frenchman is a fuckin' pussy! So youse better simmer down and I mean right now!
Jean-Guy: (in French) Go fuckin' listen to Bryan Adams in Saskatoon. You're a fuckin' loser!
Daryl: Well, why don't you go to a poutine festival in the Thetford Mines?
Jean-Carl: (in French) Go have a fuckin' rodeo in Moose Jaw, cowboy!
Dan: Why don't you go canoe in the Three Rivers, you inbred fur traders?
Jean-Pierre: Go eat a Nanaimo Bar in Kamloops. Manger la merde!

The Battle for Bonnie McMurray [3.05][edit]

Bradley is a Killer [3.06][edit]

Wayne: What's the stupidest thing you ever heard in your life?
Daryl: I would like to say, but it's impolite to talk politics at the breakfast table.
Squirrelly Dan: I'd also likes to say, but it's impolite to talk religions at the breakfast table.

Halloween Special: The Haunting of MoDeans II[edit]

Daryl: Woolwich Taffy Cone Harvest I.P.A. from Wellesley, Ontario. Boastful, yet reserved. Opinionated. Selective. Elmira maple syrup, Skinner Farms smoked bacon. [sips] Hmm, tastes like a tragedy occurred while making breakfast.

Season 4[edit]

"Never Work a Day in Your Life" [4.01][edit]

Katy: Relationships. It's a lot of work.
Rosie: Do what you love....
Wayne: And you'll never work a day in your life.

"A Fuss at the Golf Course" [4.02][edit]

"Way to a Man's Heart" [4.03][edit]

"Letterkenny Talent Show" [4.04][edit]

Wayne: Buerger's Disease
Katy: Was it Buerger's ?
Wayne: Yes, Buerger's
Daryl: Didn't she get treated at the Mayo Clinic?
Wayne: Yes. She got her Buerger's treated with Mayo.
Katy: Did she do that to catch up to the competition? Did she ketchup?
Wayne: Yes. And despite her Buerger's , she never beefed with anyone.
Daryl: She relished a challenge. That was a challenge that she relished.
Wayne: She worked her buns off. She worked the buns off her Buerger's .
Daryl: No cheesy moves.
Katy: Let us all be inspired by her. Lettuce.
Wayne: No hot-dogging. Just Buerger's .

"The Letterkenny Leave" [4.05][edit]

"Great Day for Thunder Bay" [4.06][edit]

Easter Day Special: Super Hard Easter[edit]

Season 5[edit]

"We Don't Fight at Weddings" [5.01][edit]

"The Ol' College Try" [5.02][edit]

Betty-Anne: Your mitt looks like Babe Ruth's ball glove from the dirty '30s, if 20 more dudes spat chewing tobacco in it.
Mary-Anne: Your mitt's actually a work of art, Betty-Anne. Like Salvador Dali's melting clocks, but instead of melting clocks, it's melting salad bowls of off-pink ice-cream.

"Hard Right Jay" [5.03][edit]

Hard Right Jay: Oh. All right, would a Nazi get turned on by interracial gangbang porn?
Tanis: Who fucking doesn't?

"Letterkenny Spelling Bee" [5.04][edit]

Coach: I'm used to you two embarrassing me. I go to bed at night, fucking embarrassing. I get up in the morning, fucking embarrassing. The only time you two have ever humiliated me is when you started spelling. Now, please tell me you put in the work this year.
Reilly: We always put in the work, coach.
Jonesy: We never wanna let you down, or the boys.
Reilly: But we've been upfront about being dogshit spellers from get go, so
Jonesy: We're trying our best, but we're math guys, Coach.
Coach: Don't fucking bullshit me.
Reilly: Okay, if it were a Chel'ing Bee.
Jonesy: I mean, dogshit spellers, unreal Chel'lers.

"Back to Back to Back" [5.05][edit]

Shoresy, to Reilly and Jonesy

Shoresy: I made your mum cum so hard they made a Canadian Heritage Minute out of it and Don McKellar played my dick.
Shoresy: I made your mum so wet, Trudeau deployed a 24-hour infantry unit to stack sandbags around my bed.
Shoresy: Your lives are so fucking pathetic I ran a 15K to raise awareness for it, you fuckin' losers.

"Bock et Biche" [5.06][edit]

Christmas Special: The Three Wise Men[edit]

Season 6[edit]

"What Could Be So Urgent?" [6.01][edit]

"Bush Party Season" [6.02][edit]

"The City" [6.03][edit]

"Dyck's Slip Out" [6.04][edit]

"Different Strokes For Different Folks" [6.05][edit]

"Yew!" [6.06][edit]

Valentine's Day Special: Valentime's Day[edit]

Season 7[edit]

"Crack N Ag" [7.01][edit]

"Red Card Yellow Card" [7.02][edit]

"Nut" [7.03][edit]

"Letterkenny vs Penny" [7.04][edit]

"W's Talk, Baby" [7.05][edit]

"In It To Win It" [7.06][edit]

Season 8[edit]

"Miss Fire" [8.01][edit]

Reilly: This is bullshit, why does Shoresy get credit when we're the chirp kings in this club.
Jonesy: I know bro, teamwork!
Shoresy: Wanna talk about teamwork, Jonesy? I took your mom to Medieval Times and me and the Green Knight took her down after at Best Western.
Reilly: Fuck you, Shoresy.
Shoresy: Fuck you, Reilly, I took your Mom the next weekend. Me and the Blue Knight showed her a real sword fight.
Jonesy: Fuck you, Shoresy!
Shoresy: Fuck you, Jonesy, your mom got us banned from Canada's Wonderland for trying to give me a tug on Thunder Run.
Reilly: Fuck you, Shoresy!
Shoresy: Fuck you, Reilly, I took your mom the weekend before and she asked me to diddle her on Drop Tower.

(To Reilly and Jonesy, in response to their post-game interview sound-bytes)
Wayne: All this brotherhood talk's gotta stop, as it's not certain yous don't suck each other off.
Daryl: You givin' his flute a little toot?
Wayne: I think he'd give his flute a big hoot.
Daryl: Oh, a big 'ole mouthful of bell-end.
Wayne: You're so fuckin' Five-Eleven
Daryl: You are an anchor, bud.

"National Senior Hockey Championship" [8.02][edit]

Bonnie: Sure you wanna do this?
Katy: Can confirm.
Bonnie: Katy?
Katy: Bonnie?
Bonnie: Don't kick a dead horse.
Katy: Bonnie?
Bonnie: Katy?
Katy: Bend enough and you'll break.
Bonnie: Stand for nothing and you'll fall for anything.

Wayne: If she cheats, it's over. No exceptions.

"The Rippers" [8.03][edit]

Daryl: I was reading about this thing called "Beat Your Dick December".
Dan: "Beat Your Dick December?" What's the rumpus, Grumpus?
Daryl: Well, you look at the calendar, and if it's like the first, or second, or third, that's how many times a day you need to mix a batch.
Dan: So on the twentieths of Decembers, you gots to mix twenty separate batches?
Daryl: You got it.
Wayne: So it's thirty days hath September.....June and November...December has 31 - so on the 31st, you have to batch 31 times?
Daryl: You heard it here first.
Dan: How's he going to fuck that pigs?
Daryl: Well, from the 1st to the 5th, you're having a good time. Even up until the tenth. Mmm, by the 12th you're starting to fade and by the 15th you're definitely not full bars.
Dan: Oh, I don't think I could continue past the 15th.
Daryl: Yeah, me neither. Wayne?
Wayne: Yup.
Dan: You're saying you could batch 15 times on the 15th, despite the fact that you batched 14 times on the day before, 13 times the day before that, and sos on and sos forth?
Wayne: Yup.
Daryl: Could you - could you do twenty?
Wayne: Yup.
Daryl: Gotta stay hydrated.

Wayne: If she cheats, it's over. No exceptions.

"Ferda" [8.04][edit]

"Yard Sale Saturday" [8.05][edit]

"Holy Sheet" [8.06][edit]

"Day Beers Day" [8.07][edit]

Dan: Says he pulled a pikes, a perch, a wallseyes and a trouts.
Daryl: That a brook trout?
Wayne: No, it'd be lake trout.
Daryl: Why's that?
Wayne: 'Cause we're on a fuckin' lake, Darry.


External links[edit]

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