Letterkenny (TV series)

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Letterkenny is a Canadian sitcom about the residents of a small, fictional town in Ontario, Canada. It began as a Youtube webseries, and was commissioned by Crave in 2015.

Season 1


Ain't No Reason to Get Excited [1.01]

Wayne: Katy. How're you now?
Katy: Good and you?
Wayne: Not so bad.

Reilly: Nice onesie. Does it come in men's?
Wayne: Oh, I think you cum in men enough for all of us.
Reilly: I think you better come in my...I mean, you better come...
Jonesy: I think you better come say that to his face, you fucking hicks!
Daryl: Nice execution.
Wayne: You're doin' terrific.

Reilly: You looking for a tilly, buddy? Let's have a donnybrook!
Daryl: Pump the brakes. You take your shirt off but leave your sunglasses on?
Wayne: What sort of backwards fucking pageantry is that?
Daryl: You gonna fight with those shades or play pokerstars.com?
Jonesy: Hold my spitter.
Reilly: Dude, I can't hold your spitter, you're holding my spitter- just put the spitter down.
Wayne: Tick tock.
[Jonesy takes off his shirt and puts his hat on backwards]
Jonesy: Go time!
Reilly: Go time!
Daryl: Look at that fucking treasure trail.
Wayne: What's up with your fucking body hair, big shoots? You look like a 12 year-old Dutch girl. Your aesthetician coiff that for ya?
Daryl: You can kiss my aesthetician. You guys do Cross-Fit?
Wayne: You can Cross-fuck off.
Daryl: Cross-fart. How many times you pulled your horn today, bud?
Reilly: What?
Daryl: Aw, she's bashful.
Wayne: Well, come on kitten, I won't tell anyone. Ballpark, six to eight? You're a fucking animal.
Daryl: Play a little five-on-one?
Wayne: Hit the kitchen, mix a batch.
Daryl: Feed the ducks.
Wayne: Distribute some free literature.

Wayne: It's a hard life picking stones and pulling teats, but sure as God's got sandals, it beats fighting dudes with treasure trails.

Daryl's Super Soft Birthday [1.02]

Katie: Look, keep it at the end of the laneway, no degens on the property.
Wayne: That's a Texas-sized 10-4.
Katie: Over and out.

Daryl': Think we should call The Ginger?
Wayne: No.
Daryl: Why not? He's tougher than hell.
Wayne: Yeah, but.....like, you heard he fucked an ostrich, right?
Daryl: ....What?
Wayne: He fucked an ostrich
Squirrelly Dan: Allegedly.
Daryl: How does a fella get caught up in that sort of business?
Wayne: Well, I guess his cousin had an ostrich farm, when he thought it might be fun to fuck one.
Squirrelly Dan: Allegedly!

Fartbook [1.03]

Squirrelly Dan: You appreciates my metaphors Miss Katy and that's what I appreciates about you.
Katy: Oh, is that what you appreciate about me?
Wayne: Let's take about five to ten percent off that, Squirrelly Dan.

Wayne: You better settle down over there or I'm going to come talk to you.
Daryl: You know what, there's two things about you that I don't like - and it's your face!
Wayne: There's one thing about your own face you're not going to like, and that's when I come give it the beats!

Wingman Wayne [1.04]

Gail: (in the context of a conversation about Boots) You guys ever hear anything about that guy fucking an ostrich?
Wayne: No, it was The Ginger that fucked an ostrich.
Squirrelly Dan: Allegedly.
Gail: It would take more than one person to fuck an ostrich.
Wayne: We've heard it was a sick ostrich.
Gail: Well, it would take two guys to fuck an ostrich. Three, even.
Wayne: Again, we're hearing it was a sick ostrich.
Gail: Still, it's a three-man job to fuck one.

Rave [1.05]

Wayne: Agricultural Halls are for agricultural music, not for fuckin' raves!
McMurray: Well, that's no way to get your communication badge, Boy Scout.

Stewart: Yes, there will be MDMA at my rave at the Ag Hall. There will be MDMA, DMT, PCP, LSD, LED and probably UFC. But+ I'm clean and sober.
Wayne: You are spare parts, aren't you, bud?

A Fuss in the Back Bush [1.06]

Tanis: If they fucked an ostrich, what else have they fucked?
Wayne: Just the Ginger fucked an ostrich.
Squirrelly Dan: Allegedly.

Season 2


A Fuss at the Ag Hall [2.01]


[Stewart arrives to pick up Katy.]

Wayne: I can see the muscle shirt came today. Muscles coming tomorrow?
Daryl: You get a tracking number?
Wayne: Boy, I hope you got a tracking number.
Daryl: That package is going to be smaller than the one you're currently sporting.
Wayne: Tall order, Dary.

[At the Agricultural Hall, McMurray motions to move excess coat hangers from the rear hall to the front hall].
Wayne: 'kay.
McMurray: Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, look at me, Wayne, Wayne. There is a tried, tested, and true system at work here, and as President of the Agricultural Hall, I must demand it be respected. One member makes a motion. Then another member seconds that motion.
Wayne: Second, 'kay.
McMurray: "Kay" is not a second.
Wayne: Well, it's the second time I said, 'kay.
McMurray: So you second my motion?
Wayne: You wanna know what, I'm all out of seconds, bud.
McMurray: So it's not a second.
Wayne: Well, this is taking too many seconds is what I'm saying.
McMurray: Well, you only have to second once.
Wayne: All right, give me a second.
McMurray: So are you saying that you second or you need a second?
Wayne: Well, one second.
McMurray: All right, Wayne you shall be given one second.
(everyone pauses while Wayne looks away)
McMurray: While Wayne is taking a second....
Wayne: I second the fucking motion, McMurray, now move the fucking coat hangers!

The Elections [2.02]


Stewart is trying to convince Wayne to make a campaign video for the agricultural hall president election.

Stewart: I hear McMurray has commissioned Devon, et al to make a video for his campaign. I suggest you follow suit.
Wayne: What sort of video?
Stewart: A spectacle! Pure adrenaline! Babylonian!
Wayne: You're spare parts, bud.

Wayne: Run along Stewart, before I get tired of behaving.
(Stewart flees)
Wayne: Well, she's back to chorin'.

Relationships [2.03]


[Squirrelly Dan, Daryl, and Wayne are throwing a baseball around and talking about Dan's date the previous night].

Squirrelly Dan: Well, nots to be impolites, but this gal suggested that maybe I should have some attentions paids to my butts hole. That ever happen to you guys, you ever had a gal suggest you need some attention paid to your butts hole?
Daryl and Wayne turn away from Squirrrelly Dan and ignore him while tossing the ball only to each other.
Squirrelly Dan: I'll take that as a hard no, I guess? She put a couple of fingers up there, and it turns you got - uh - an erogenous zone - up there.....Found the - uh - the hot button and - um - gaves it a tickle.....and, uh.....(increasingly high-pitched) yeah - feels, uh.
Squirrelly Dan: (defiantly) It feels pretty good, you guys, okay?
Daryl, to Wayne: Pop fly! (throws ball)
Squirrelly Dan: I really liked it! It felt - it felt very natural.
Wayne, to Daryl: Nice! (throws ball back).
Squirrelly Dan: They call it 'milking the prostate'.
Wayne, later: Well, it's impolite to kiss and tell.

The Native Flu [2.04]


Wayne has been arguing that the rumour that Ginger and Boots fucked an ostrich can't be true, as ostriches are well capable of defending themselves.

Daryl: Maybe they tranq'd the ostrich.
Squirrelly Dan: Like they roofied the ostrich?
Wayne: You wanna know what? You should feel bad for even suggesting the Ginger and Boots fucked an ostrich. Bad gas travels real fast in a small town. My research concludes that the only way the Ginger and Boots could have fucked an ostrich is if it was a dead ostrich.
Glen (riding past on a bicycle): A dead ostrich??? I thought it was just sick, oh my!
Glen makes a phone call and can be heard saying, "Ginny? The Ginger and Boots effed a dead ostrich!
Wayne: Oh, bother.

Daryl: I found an eyelash, make a wish.
Wayne: Wish you weren't so fuckin' awkward, bud.

Uncle Eddie's Trust [2.05]

Katy and Wayne are discussing an amount of money they will invest into the Letterkenny community.
Katy: Well, how do you want to fuck this pig?
Wayne: Better put it on your fuckin' Facebook.
Katy: Pitter patter.
Wayne: Let's get at 'er.

Daryl and Squirrelly Dan are discussing a business venture that will, amongst other things, 'condemn homosexuals'.
Katy: What do you have against homosexuals?
Squirrelly Dan: Me? Nothing. LQBT is all rights with me.
Katy: Daryl?
Daryl: Uh. Nothin'.
Katy: So why do you want to condemn them?
Wayne: Yeah?
Squirrelly Dan: We seens it on the TV shows.
Wayne and Katy: We know.
Daryl: We actually seens it on two TV shows.
Wayne and Katy: We know.
Squirrelly Dan: One was the TV show we seens it on, and then the other was a news program about what we seens on the TV show.
Wayne and Katy: We know.
Squirrelly Dan: But those guys were popular, and they looks like they were having lots of funs, so we just figured if we did whats they did....
Daryl: ...then we'd have lots of fun too.

Finding Stormy a Stud [2.06]

Coach: Reilly. Jonesy. You guys been gettin' a lot of ice time?
Reilly: Well, actually…
Coach: I'm just kiddin', I don't give a fuck. I stepped down from your old junior team. Turns out the senior team needed a new bench boss. Real work to be done here. Real men. Turns out you guys have been havin' a bit of a cake walk up here, huh? Is that right, Reilly? Eh, a little angel cake? A little angel food cake with a top glaze? Huh? Have your mom mix up the egg whites and the vanilla? Huh? Have your mom cut it with a knife or a small spatula through the batter releasing air bubbles and bake? Light as air? Huh? Virtually fat-free? Fuck you, pheasant!
Jonesy: Come on, man.
Coach: Oh, Jonesy's got something to say. What kind of cake are you walkin', huh? A little Lady Baltimore? Huh? A little date and walnut loaf? A little Napoleonshatte?
Reilly: Coach, it's not that we're...
Coach: Cake walk's over, all right, Johnny Cheechoo and Chuck Huddy? Gonna have the boys tossing up sueys up the middle all night, just tossing up hot suey sauce? You know why? 'Cause you've been skipped leg day! You think you can skirt legs and crack the Czech Extraliga? Huh? You couldn't even crack the HockeyAllsvenska, let alone the Deutsche Eishockey Liga! Fuck! You plugs are gonna learn some jam. It is fuckin' embarrassing!

St. Patrick's Day Special: St Perfect's Day

Wayne: All's I'm saying is that it's a little bit hypocritical for us to be mad at degens from up country for not respecting our St. Patrick's Day party when we, ourselves, are not respecting St. Patrick. I'm just saying if somebody's got their fucking day, give them their fucking day.
Katy: You aren't even religious.
Wayne: Who's got that kind of money?

Wayne: You wanna know what, so long as everyone's having a good time, ain't no reason to be a poopy-pants.
McMurray: Everyone is not having a good time.
Wayne: Well, so long as most people are having a good time, ain't no reason to be a poopy-pants.
McMurray: Most people are not having a good time.
Wayne: Is anyone having a good time?
McMurray: No.
Wayne: Then I shall be a poopy-pants.

Season 3


Sled Shack [3.01]

Squirrelly Dan: Says he pulled a pikes, a perch, a wallseyes and a trout.
Daryl: Is that a brook trout?
Wayne: No, it'd be lake trout
Daryl: Why's that?
Wayne: 'Cause we're on a fuckin' lake, Dary.

Katy: My friends need to borrow clothes.
Wayne: Give 'em barn clothes.
Katy: I won't have barn clothes in the hous; they stink.
Wayne: Guess you have to put your friends in the fuckin' barn then.

Puck Bunny [3.02]

Jonesy: Any puck bunnies getting in the way of W's come to mind?
Barts: I once tongue-kissed a woman in line for the beer gardens at a dragon boat race, after she said she liked my team jacket. But I don't think she was a puck bunny. You little bitch. Yorkie?
Yorkie: I once open-mouth first-based a woman I delivered a gourmet coffee gift card to, after she won at a team fundraiser raffle draw. I don't think she was a puck bunny. Scholtzy?
Scholtzy: I once got an over-the-pants handy in the back seat of a Pontiac Bonneville, during a drive-in screening of Slap Shot. But I don't think she was a puck bunny. Pussy. Fisky?
Fisky: I once got a rig-friggin' gherkin-slurpin' behind a gumball machine at a bubble hockey tournament, but I don't think she was a puck bunny. Boomtown?
Boomtown: I once accidentally shit my pants while masturbating in 2010, when Crosby scored an OT to win gold, while I was simultaneously mid-orgasm. There was no one else there. But don't you think that's a good story?
Reilly: Right, I'm just gonna go ahead and spell this right the fuck out for you, boys. The girl that you're all in love with, she's a puck bunny.

Dan: (fart)
Wayne: Inappropriate.
Dan: Whys?
Wayne: 'Cause you're not exposed to fart in front of girls.
Katy: True story.
Dan: You're suffocatings me.
Katy: That's a two-way street.

MoDeans 2 [3.03]

Shoresy: Fuck you, Reilly. Fight me, see what happens.
Reilly: Yeah, what's gonna happen, Shoresy?
Shoresy: Three things, I hit you, you hit the pavement, ambulance hits 60.

Roald: Dad? Yup, still a homo. But you're the one who named me after the author of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory!

Les Hiques [3.04]

Squirrelly Dan: I loves fishin' in Kwee-bec..
Katy: Who doesn't love fishin' in Kay-bec?
Wayne: Great fishin' in Kyu-bec!
Daryl: I fuckin' hate Quebec...
Wayne: Get this guy a fucking Puppers.

Daryl: I still don't know what the fuck you're saying, but other than Georges St-Pierre, every Frenchman is a fuckin' pussy! So youse better simmer down and I mean right now!
Jean-Guy: (in French) Go fuckin' listen to Bryan Adams in Saskatoon. You're a fuckin' loser!
Daryl: Well, why don't you go to a poutine festival in the Thetford Mines?
Jean-Carl: (in French) Go have a fuckin' rodeo in Moose Jaw, cowboy!
Dan: Why don't you go canoe in the Three Rivers, you inbred fur traders?
Jean-Pierre: Go eat a Nanaimo Bar in Kamloops. Manger la merde!

The Battle for Bonnie McMurray [3.05]

Rosie: It's not easy telling a guy you don't want to see him because you want to stay in and read.
Katy: Let's test this theory. Dary, say you asked Bonnie McMurray out on a date and she says I'm going to stay in and read.
Daryl: She up to somethin'.
Katy: Dan?
Dan: Oh, she's definitely up to something.
Katy: Wayne?
Wayne: Must be a pretty good book. Must be like… The Road.

Reilly: Boys, I wake up in the middle of the night dry-heaving at the amount of bush in this room.
Jonesy: We thought tummy-stick hedgehogs were extinct, boys.
Reilly: Shave your fuckin' junk hair, boys.
Jonesy: It's disgusting, boys.
Reilly: And Shorsey is the guiltiest of 'em all!
Shorsey: (farts)
Jonesy: Reilly will be your bush inspector.
Reilly: And Jonesy will be your associate bush inspector.

Bradley is a Killer [3.06]

Wayne: What's the stupidest thing you ever heard in your life?
Daryl: I would like to say, but it's impolite to talk politics at the breakfast table.
Squirrelly Dan: I'd also likes to say, but it's impolite to talk religions at the breakfast table.

Reilly: Is that fuckin' joker wearing number 99, bud?
Jonesy: This is our chance to make it up to Gretz, bud.
Reilly: Hey, 99, you fuckin' loser.
Jonesy: Are you fuckin' serious nines?
Reilly: How dare you wear that number, you piece of shit!
Jonesy: That's the Great One's number, you fuckin' donkey.
Reilly: Think you're Gretzky, you piece of shit?
Jonesy: Gretz probably smashed your mom in the '80s, bud.
Reilly: I'll get the white tape out and turn those double nines into double zeros. You're a fucking nobody.
Jonesy: Fuckin' serious nines?
Reilly: When's Mess get here, bud, you're fuckin' hilarious.
Jonesy: When's McSorley get here, you fuckin' plug?
Reilly: Suck my knob! What a fucking piece of work, bud.
Jonesy: Piece of shit.
Reilly: The fucking audacity.

Halloween Special: The Haunting of MoDeans II

Daryl: Woolwich Taffy Cone Harvest I.P.A. from Wellesley, Ontario. Boastful, yet reserved. Opinionated. Selective. Elmira maple syrup, Skinner Farms smoked bacon. [sips] Hmm, tastes like a tragedy occurred while making breakfast.

Jonesy: I haven't smashed a pumpkin on someone's doorstep since grade nine, boys.
Reilly: I haven't stuffed an egg up a tailpipe since grade eight, boys.
Jonesy: I haven't silly-stringed a car since grade seven.
Reilly: I haven't TP'd a tree since grade six.
Dan: Yeah, but do's youse have an ablibi?
Jonesy: We definitely have ablibis.
Reilly: I'm glad you asked about ablibi.
Jonesy: We've prepared a PowerPoint presentation.

Season 4


"Never Work a Day in Your Life" [4.01]

Katy: Relationships. It's a lot of work.
Rosie: Do what you love....
Wayne: And you'll never work a day in your life.

Katy: Relationships. It's a lot of work.
Rosie: Do what you love....
Wayne: And you'll never work a day in your life.

"A Fuss at the Golf Course" [4.02]

Mrs. McMurray: Your wardrobe colour scheme looks like a bi-polar spell! Get those cocksuckers off your feet!
Coach: Pardon?
Mrs. McMurray: The ankle socks, you fuckin' sally. How does your wife let you leave the house lookin' like that, huh?
Coach: My wife died three years ago.
Mrs. McMurray: Yeah, well, one look at you and it's clear she's in a better place now, you fuckin' asshole!

Wayne: Don't you remember when that plane had to land on the river in New York 'cause Canada Gooses flew into the engine? It's 'cause Canada Gooses likely had intel there was a pedophile or two on board and took matters into their own hands. As they should!
Daryl: No innocent people hurt either.

"Way to a Man's Heart" [4.03]

'Reilly: So like, what are we supposed to call you then? Our gay buddies from the gym, or…
Dax: We took gay in the expansion draft from you about a hundred years back.
Jonesy: Butch?
Ron: Shout out to our sisters in the women's league.
Reilly: Fruit?
Dax: Fruit had a cup of coffee in the show a few decades back, but never really produced for either of us.
Jonesy: Bear?
Ron: You guys released bear a while back for under performing and we got her at a friendly price. Been a real stud for us ever since.
Reilly: Cub?
Dax: Cubs been consistent since he put her on line with bear.
Jonesy: Poofter?
Ron: Still playing overseas, likely gonna retire there.
Reilly: Nellie?
Dax: Only your grandpa remembers that alumni.
Jonesy: Homo?
Ron: Homo maybe in your ring of honor, but never forget the body checks our goons threw down to end that career.
Reilly: Queen?
Ron: Queen is the best arena music of all time. But still, it's only for some.
Reilly (to Jonesy): I'm not fucking saying it.
Ron and Dax: Fag.
Jonesy: Not sure that's P.C., but you said it.
Ron: Fag got cut in the '80s, and may have cleared waivers, but we all made a gentlemen's agreement not to sign it because of behavior detrimental to the league.

Dan: You gotta respect athleticisms, Connor Moist-Gregor, Conner Moist-David, Floyd Moist-Weather. Why, they're all at the top of their classes.
Daryl: They're all driving Moist-eradis, that's all I know.
Wayne: May even a Rolls Moist. Or maybe a Moist-cedes Benz.
Daryl: No Moist-subishis Eclipses in this bunch.
Dan: They're not using Capital One Moister-Cards.

"Letterkenny Talent Show" [4.04]

Wayne: Buerger's Disease
Katy: Was it Buerger's ?
Wayne: Yes, Buerger's
Daryl: Didn't she get treated at the Mayo Clinic?
Wayne: Yes. She got her Buerger's treated with Mayo.
Katy: Did she do that to catch up to the competition? Did she ketchup?
Wayne: Yes. And despite her Buerger's , she never beefed with anyone.
Daryl: She relished a challenge. That was a challenge that she relished.
Wayne: She worked her buns off. She worked the buns off her Buerger's .
Daryl: No cheesy moves.
Katy: Let us all be inspired by her. Lettuce.
Wayne: No hot-dogging. Just Buerger's .

Jonesy: Gotta crack a snappy for the Winstagram, buddy.
Reilly: Yeah, couple of pickies for the chickies.
Jonesy: Gymstagram, bro.
Reilly: Instapicks, instachicks.
Jonesy: Gotta provide people with proof you're pressin' pounds, otherwise what's the point? Am I right?

"The Letterkenny Leave" [4.05]

McMurray: Has anybody ever played "Never Have I Ever"?
Dan: Nevers.
Mrs. McMurray: Never?
Daryl: Never ever.
Katy: Not even once.
McMurray: It is a dandy little drinking game we picked up down 'Minican.
Mrs. McMurray: We go down 'Minican twice a year, that's all I know.
McMurray: Still don't get down 'Minican enough, baby, that's true.
Mrs. McMurray: Was down 'Pulco pertnear every winter 'til fellas started gettin' hanging from bridges with their dinks cut off.
McMurray: Crying shame because Sinatra used to have a place down 'Pulco.
Mrs. McMurray: You know, JFK and Jackie O had their goddamn honeymoon down 'Pulco.
McMurray: But we picked up "Never Have I Ever" down in 'Minican.
Katy: K.

Reilly: Locked and loaded, bro.
Jonesy: Bring on the gains, boys.
Reilly: Capital gains, boys.
Jonesy: Charlotte Gains, bro.
Reilly: A quick Serge of Gains, bro.
Jonesy: Focus is?
Reilly: Traps and tri's buddy.
Jonesy: Traps and tri's, bro.
Reilly: We should be ripping sand bell slammers.
Jonesy: We should be ripping kettleball sumo deadlifts.
Reilly: We should be ripping standing V-bar pushdowns.
Jonesy: We should be ripping cable hammer curls with rope attachment.
Reilly: We should be ripping close grip EZ bar curls with band.
Jonesy: We should be ripping standing dumbbell reverse spider curls.
Reilly: We should be ripping two arm barbell wide grip preachers curls.
Jonesy: Like Arnold, buddy.
Reilly: Uh-hmmm.
Both: (grunting)

"Great Day for Thunder Bay" [4.06]


Easter Day Special: Super Hard Easter


Season 5


"We Don't Fight at Weddings" [5.01]


"The Ol' College Try" [5.02]

Betty-Anne: Your mitt looks like Babe Ruth's ball glove from the dirty '30s, if 20 more dudes spat chewing tobacco in it.
Mary-Anne: Your mitt's actually a work of art, Betty-Anne. Like Salvador Dali's melting clocks, but instead of melting clocks, it's melting salad bowls of off-pink ice-cream.

"Hard Right Jay" [5.03]

Hard Right Jay: Oh. All right, would a Nazi get turned on by interracial gangbang porn?
Tanis: Who fucking doesn't?

"Letterkenny Spelling Bee" [5.04]

Coach: I'm used to you two embarrassing me. I go to bed at night, fucking embarrassing. I get up in the morning, fucking embarrassing. The only time you two have ever humiliated me is when you started spelling. Now, please tell me you put in the work this year.
Reilly: We always put in the work, coach.
Jonesy: We never wanna let you down, or the boys.
Reilly: But we've been upfront about being dogshit spellers from get go, so
Jonesy: We're trying our best, but we're math guys, Coach.
Coach: Don't fucking bullshit me.
Reilly: Okay, if it were a Chel'ing Bee.
Jonesy: I mean, dogshit spellers, unreal Chel'lers.

"Back to Back to Back" [5.05]


Shoresy, to Reilly and Jonesy

Shoresy: I made your mum cum so hard they made a Canadian Heritage Minute out of it and Don McKellar played my dick.
Shoresy: I made your mum so wet, Trudeau deployed a 24-hour infantry unit to stack sandbags around my bed.
Shoresy: Your lives are so fucking pathetic I ran a 15K to raise awareness for it, you fuckin' losers.

"Bock et Biche" [5.06]


Christmas Special: The Three Wise Men


Season 6


"What Could Be So Urgent?" [6.01]


"Bush Party Season" [6.02]


"The City" [6.03]


"Dyck's Slip Out" [6.04]


"Different Strokes For Different Folks" [6.05]


"Yew!" [6.06]


Valentine's Day Special: Valentime's Day


Season 7


"Crack N Ag" [7.01]


"Red Card Yellow Card" [7.02]


"Nut" [7.03]


"Letterkenny vs Penny" [7.04]


"W's Talk, Baby" [7.05]


"In It To Win It" [7.06]


Season 8


"Miss Fire" [8.01]

Reilly: This is bullshit, why does Shoresy get credit when we're the chirp kings in this club.
Jonesy: I know bro, teamwork!
Shoresy: Wanna talk about teamwork, Jonesy? I took your mom to Medieval Times and me and the Green Knight took her down after at Best Western.
Reilly: Fuck you, Shoresy.
Shoresy: Fuck you, Reilly, I took your Mom the next weekend. Me and the Blue Knight showed her a real sword fight.
Jonesy: Fuck you, Shoresy!
Shoresy: Fuck you, Jonesy, your mom got us banned from Canada's Wonderland for trying to give me a tug on Thunder Run.
Reilly: Fuck you, Shoresy!
Shoresy: Fuck you, Reilly, I took your mom the weekend before and she asked me to diddle her on Drop Tower.

(To Reilly and Jonesy, in response to their post-game interview sound-bytes)
Wayne: All this brotherhood talk's gotta stop, as it's not certain yous don't suck each other off.
Daryl: You givin' his flute a little toot?
Wayne: I think he'd give his flute a big hoot.
Daryl: Oh, a big 'ole mouthful of bell-end.
Wayne: You're so fuckin' Five-Eleven
Daryl: You are an anchor, bud.

"National Senior Hockey Championship" [8.02]

Bonnie: Sure you wanna do this?
Katy: Can confirm.
Bonnie: Katy?
Katy: Bonnie?
Bonnie: Don't kick a dead horse.
Katy: Bonnie?
Bonnie: Katy?
Katy: Bend enough and you'll break.
Bonnie: Stand for nothing and you'll fall for anything.

Wayne: If she cheats, it's over. No exceptions.

"The Rippers" [8.03]

Daryl: I was reading about this thing called "Beat Your Dick December".
Dan: "Beat Your Dick December?" What's the rumpus, Grumpus?
Daryl: Well, you look at the calendar, and if it's like the first, or second, or third, that's how many times a day you need to mix a batch.
Dan: So on the twentieths of Decembers, you gots to mix twenty separate batches?
Daryl: You got it.
Wayne: So it's thirty days hath September.....June and November...December has 31 - so on the 31st, you have to batch 31 times?
Daryl: You heard it here first.
Dan: How's he going to fuck that pigs?
Daryl: Well, from the 1st to the 5th, you're having a good time. Even up until the tenth. Mmm, by the 12th you're starting to fade and by the 15th you're definitely not full bars.
Dan: Oh, I don't think I could continue past the 15th.
Daryl: Yeah, me neither. Wayne?
Wayne: Yup.
Dan: You're saying you could batch 15 times on the 15th, despite the fact that you batched 14 times on the day before, 13 times the day before that, and sos on and sos forth?
Wayne: Yup.
Daryl: Could you - could you do twenty?
Wayne: Yup.
Daryl: Gotta stay hydrated.

Wayne: If she cheats, it's over. No exceptions.

"Ferda" [8.04]


"Yard Sale Saturday" [8.05]

[Wayne walks into MoDean's bathroom]
Wayne: Well, fuckin' Alexander!
Alexander: This is where the dicks hang out.
Wayne: Oh, that's right - Gailor told me you were helpin' with cleanup here now, eh?
Alexander: You shake it more than once, we know what you're doin'.
Wayne: How long you been at it?
Alexander: 48 fiscal hours.
Wayne: Boy, that's more than enough time to see a nightmare or two around here, eh?
Alexander: Sometimes there's shit... on the outside of the torlet.
Wayne: ...Huh?
Alexander: Sometimes there's shit... on the outside of the torlet.
Wayne: Huh. Is that right?
Alexander: You think that's bad, you should see the urinus.
Wayne: ...Uh?
Alexander: You think that's bad, you should see the urinus.
Wayne: It get pretty hairy over there, or-
Alexander: Sometimes there's shit on the outside of the uninus.
Wayne: What?
Alexander: Sometimes there's shit on the outside of the uninus.
Wayne: Fuck a duck. Well, how do you think it got there?
Alexander: Remember how I said sometimes there's shit on the outside of the torlet?
Wayne: Yeah?
Alexander: Well, I bet the shit got on the outside of the urinus the same way the shit got on the outside of the torlet.
Wayne: Isn't that something.
[McMurray walks into MoDean's bathroom]
McMurray: This piss now streaming! ...Wayne.
Wayne: No.
McMurray: How're-you-now-not-s'bad-good-n'you. Alexander!
Alexander: Out there, you're Canadian... in here, you're-a-peein.
McMurray: Oh, shit... looks like someone un-swallowed over there.
Alexander: You think that's bad? Sometimes there's shit on the outside of the torlet.
McMurray: Huh?!
Alexander: You think that's bad, sometimes there's shit on the outside of the torlet.
McMurray: Well, I spray the seat from time to time when I got crap on top, but I never miss the bowl entirely. Fuckin' degens, need to mind their scruples.
Alexander: You think that's bad, you should see the urinus.
McMurray: Huh?
Alexander: You think that's bad, you should see the urinus.
McMurray: Mm. Pretty hairy o'er there?
Alexander: Sometimes there's shit on the outside of the uninus.
McMurray: What?!
Alexander: Sometimes there's shit on the outside of the uninus.
McMurray: Well, how the fuck did shit get there?
Alexander: Remember how I said sometimes there's shit on the outside of the torlet?
McMurray: Feels like you told me that nearly a year ago now.
Wayne: Yeah, we're kinda burnin' daylight here, eh?
McMurray: Mhm!
Alexander: I bet the shit got on the outside of the urinus the same way the shit got on the outside of the torlet.
McMurray: Oh... well, no offense or nothin', but I think I'd rather just piss outside, Alexander.
Wayne: I just came in here to wash my hands.
McMurray: Why'd you wash your hands?
Wayne: Had a dart?
McMurray: Mm, well, I'd have a dart.
Wayne: Maybe I'd have a dart with you and just wash my hands after that dart.
Alexander: 'ey, gents? I know how the shit got on the outside of the torlet and also the urinus... but why would someone take a shit on the outside of the torlet and also the urinus?

"Holy Sheet" [8.06]


"Day Beers Day" [8.07]


Dan: Says he pulled a pikes, a perch, a wallseyes and a trouts.
Daryl: That a brook trout?
Wayne: No, it'd be lake trout.
Daryl: Why's that?
Wayne: 'Cause we're on a fuckin' lake, Darry.

Season 9


"American Buck and Doe" [9.01]


"Kids with Problems" [9.02]


"Scorched Earth" [9.03]


"Mitzvah" [9.04]


"Sleepover" [9.05]


"Breastaurant" [9.06]


"NDN NRG" [9.07]




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