Lewis Grizzard, Jr. (October 20, 1946 – March 20, 1994) was an American writer and humorist, known for his Southern demeanor and commentary on the American South. Although he spent his early career as a newspaper sports writer and editor, becoming the sports editor of the Atlanta Journal at age 23, he is much better known for his humorous newspaper columns in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. He was also a popular stand-up comedian & lecturer.
Bad luck is meeting your date's father and realizing he's the pharmacist you bought condoms from that afternoon.
Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing.
First, we really don’t care how you did it in Chicago. Second, if you miss it so much, Delta is ready when you are.
How can I trust a bank to keep my money safe when it has dozens of pens stolen every day?
I have it on good authority that Yankee men are so lazy they marry pregnant women.
I have three ex-wives. I can't remember any of their names, so I just call 'em Plaintiff.
I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.
My ex-wives had one thing in common. When they left, they all backed up a truck.
The world around me is a tuxedo, and I'm a pair of brown shoes.
There's a big difference between the words, ‘naked’ and ‘nekkid.’ ‘Naked’ means you don't have any clothes on. ‘Nekkid’ means you don't have any clothes on - and you're up to something. 
Don't Bend Over in the Garden, Granny - You Know Them Taters Got Eyes
Elvis is Dead and I Don’t Feel So Good Myself
They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat (about his first heart valve surgery)
- . cited in Living Positive with Imperfection: A Memoir. Retrieved on September 15, 2017.
- . Lewis Grizzard Naked vs. Nekkid from the Best Of Lewis Grizzard album. Retrieved on September 15, 2017.