Lewis Grizzard, Jr. (October 20, 1946 – March 20, 1994) was an American writer and humorist, known for his Southern demeanor and commentary on the American South. Although he spent his early career as a newspaper sports writer and editor, becoming the sports editor of the Atlanta Journal at age 23, he is much better known for his humorous newspaper columns in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. He was also a popular stand-up comedian & lecturer.
- Bad luck is meeting your date's father and realizing he's the pharmacist you bought condoms from that afternoon.
- Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing.
- First, we really don’t care how you did it in Chicago. Second, if you miss it so much, Delta is ready when you are.
- How can I trust a bank to keep my money safe when it has dozens of pens stolen every day?
- I have it on good authority that Yankee men are so lazy they marry pregnant women.
- I have three ex-wives. I can't remember any of their names, so I just call 'em Plaintiff.
- I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.
- My ex-wives had one thing in common. When they left, they all backed up a truck.
- The world around me is a tuxedo, and I'm a pair of brown shoes.
- There's a big difference between the words, ‘naked’ and ‘nekkid.’ ‘Naked’ means you don't have any clothes on. ‘Nekkid’ means you don't have any clothes on - and you're up to something. 
Don't Bend Over in the Garden, Granny - You Know Them Taters Got Eyes
Elvis is Dead and I Don’t Feel So Good Myself
They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat (about his first heart valve surgery)
- cited in Living Positive with Imperfection: A Memoir. Retrieved on September 15, 2017.
- Lewis Grizzard Naked vs. Nekkid from the Best Of Lewis Grizzard album. Retrieved on September 15, 2017.