Rayyan: And maybe while the enemy's in there he could do the dishes.
Amaar: [on phone] Mom, stop it with the guilt. No, don't put dad on! I've been planning this for months it's not like I dropped a bomb on 'im. Oh dad thinks it's suicide? So be it; this is Allah's plan for me.
Woman: Oh my …
Amaar: I'm not throwing my life away, I'm moving to the Prairies!
Mayor Popowicz: Sarah, you're supposed to spin the news, not be the news!
Mayor Popowicz: I can work with the truth.
Sarah and Popowicz: But only as a last resort.
Yasser: Yes, this is a good one: "Reverend, I would like to run a mosque out of your parish hall. Would you like to tell Jesus or should I?"
Amaar: How am I supposed to prepare for Ramadan when the whole town's in an uproar. What were you people thinking?
Fatima: This is that convert Sarah's fault. Tell me: aren't goats more traditional than cucumbers?
Amaar: You've lost me.
Amaar: Can't a Muslim book a one-way flight these days without someone having to call their supervisor?
Rayyan: I thought you'd drag us into the modern world. Or at least the 11th century.
Amaar: Yes, so did I. That's why I gave up being a lawyer
Rayyan: Oh. And there I thought you just sucked at that too.
Amaar: You can't just sue people for no reason. Well, all right, you can but I'm not doing that anymore!
Reverend Magee: It may have been God who said "Let there be light!" but it's me who pays the electric bill.
Reverend Magee: Christianity hasn't lasted two thousand years by being charitable.
Amaar: You can't pretend to be Christian.
Reverend Magee: Actually you can. Half my congregation does.
Fred: I wouldn't waste a braincell trying to find out.
Fatima: Yes. I'd imagine you are in short supply.
Sarah: I don't remember much about growing up Anglican but I must've been there.
Sarah: Don't we have a New Testament hanging around somewhere around here?
Yasser: New Testament?
Sarah: Yeah or an Old Testament?
Yasser: If we had a new testament surely I would have thrown the old one.
Fatima: It will help your back, and your colon.
Fred: What's wrong with my colon?
Fatima: You're full of crap.
Yasser: My seat smells. Is that why they call it a "pew"?
Reverend Magee: [Explaining how the Muslims can't pass off as Anglicans] And the way they all stood up, with such vigor! No, no, no, no, no! [He demonstrates] The older... congregants jump right up, as though we just opened up the buffet. And then, some of them lag behind because they're stone-deaf. And then there's always the ones who just draaaaag themselves up like teenagers who've been asked to do the dishes. Now, let's try it again, let's get this perfectly wrong...
[Fred is covered in warts]
Fatima: What is wrong with you?
Fred: Well, I've managed to narrow it down to a couple of possibilities: African killer bees, or a killer African!
Yasser: When is Easter?
Yasser: That's when Baby Jesus sees his own shadow, right?
[Fatima just pulled Fred's back into place]
Fred: Fatima sweetheart? That lotion crap you gave me for my back was only to soften me up so you could fix me, right?
Fatima: No. I wanted to see you suffer a little bit longer.
Amaar: She's a Muslim who's come here to pray. Outside chance, she's a ninja.
Yasser: What did you and your wife talk about?
Baber: uhh... Our divorce?
Yasser: Before that?
Baber: We... had this fight about my toenails... I-It's not important!
Fred: You always think people are trying to hypnotize you. Remember last year at the talent contest?
Joe: Yeah, but that guy was a hypnotist!
Joe: Yeah but the dummy... those eyes...
Mayor Popowicz: What is he talking about? Is there a beheading issue? [...] Sara cares very much about her Muslim sisters. I've never seen you interacting with them, but I'm sure you care on some level.
Fred: Well here's my idea: first thing we need is an angry mob...
Sarah: Found it!
Fred: I knew there had to be a law against burkas!
Sarah: No, a law against marigolds.
Fred: Is that some kind of weird Muslim thing?
Sarah: No, the flower. I hate marigolds. In 1927 they banned them on Main Street.
Sarah: I'll keep looking
Yasser: I have to leave my daughter's in jail.
Baber: If you don't want to help me just say so!
Joe: Even now she could be in control of my mind.
Fatima: Nobody is in control of your mind.
Yasser: Ladies, please! Let's not turn this prison visit into something unpleasant.
Baber: I don't know the first thing to say to her! Or the second, or the fourth!
Yasser: You missed out the third.
Baber: I know the third. "My name is Baber, sister. What is yours?"
Joe: [in the holding cell] Boy this place looks bigger when you're sober.
Reverend Magee: Earlier I may have ransacked your office but I'm very disappointed in you.