Little Mosque on the Prairie

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Religion would be so much easier without the followers.

Little Mosque on the Prairie (2007 - 2012) is a Canadian sitcom centering around the Muslim community of a small Saskatchewan town.

Season 1[edit]

Reverend, I would like to run a mosque out of your parish hall. Would you like to tell Jesus or should I?
A small explosion at the mosque, what's the big deal? … Okay when you say it out loud...

Little Mosque[edit]

Baber: The enemy is in your kitchen.
Rayyan: And maybe while the enemy's in there he could do the dishes.
Amaar: [on phone] Mom, stop it with the guilt. No, don't put dad on! I've been planning this for months it's not like I dropped a bomb on 'im. Oh dad thinks it's suicide? So be it; this is Allah's plan for me.
Woman: Oh my …
Amaar: I'm not throwing my life away, I'm moving to the Prairies!
Mayor Popowicz: Sarah, you're supposed to spin the news, not be the news!
Mayor Popowicz: I can work with the truth.
Sarah and Popowicz: But only as a last resort.
Yasser: Yes, this is a good one: "Reverend, I would like to run a mosque out of your parish hall. Would you like to tell Jesus or should I?"
Amaar: How am I supposed to prepare for Ramadan when the whole town's in an uproar. What were you people thinking?
Fatima: This is that convert Sarah's fault. Tell me: aren't goats more traditional than cucumbers?
Amaar: You've lost me.
Amaar: Can't a Muslim book a one-way flight these days without someone having to call their supervisor?
Rayyan: I thought you'd drag us into the modern world. Or at least the 11th century.
Amaar: Yes, so did I. That's why I gave up being a lawyer
Rayyan: Oh. And there I thought you just sucked at that too.
Amaar: You can't just sue people for no reason. Well, all right, you can but I'm not doing that anymore!
Reverend Magee: It may have been God who said "Let there be light!" but it's me who pays the electric bill.

The Barrier[edit]

Baber: I got a deal from the old rink. From what I hear, nothing separates men and women like Hockey Night in Canada!
Rayyan: Three seconds of male enlightenment. That's a new record.
Fred Tupper: Would it kill you Muslim girls to show a bit more... uh.. cleavage? Now and then.
Fatima: Would it kill you if I hit you with a cleaver?
Baber: You look like a Protestant!
Layla: Don't you mean "prostitute"?
Baber: No. I mean "Protestant".
Rayyan: Okay. I have to get to the clinic. But once I'm gone, just imagine that after everything mom says, I am saying "That's right!".
Sarah: Fred Tupper standing up for oppressed women?
Mayor Popowicz: I think he's standing up for oppressed boobs.
Fatima: I don't want a bunch of men leering at me while I pray.
Baber: And I don't want you women distracted by my bottom.
Sarah: Trust me Baber, no one is looking at your bottom.
Baber: Western school system! Filling their head with... thinking!
Reverend Magee: John 8:7: "He among you who has never sinned, cast the first stone" or in this case "he among you who has not got stoned, cast the first sin".
Amaar: So you didn't fire him.
Reverend Magee: Not until I ate a couple of his hash brownies at the choir picnic.
Rayyan: [sitting on the barrier to keep Baber from setting it back up] You're not supposed to touch me.
Baber: Please, forgive me, sister Rayyan. I totally forgot myself.
Rayyan: Of course.
Baber: It'll never happen again
Rayyan: Good
Baber: Gimme that piece of wood so I can push her off!
Amaar: The perfect Muslim solution... Nobody's happy.

The Open House[edit]

Mayor Popowicz: Ah! It's not gonna be one of those multi-culty snoozefests with lying speeches and bad skits, is it? No offense.
Amaar: I'll cancel the camel ride.
Mayor Popowicz: [perking up] Camel ride?
Yasser: "Only use the best", that's my motto!
Client: I thought your motto was "we build cheap"?
Fatima: People are afraid of things they don't understand.
Rayyan: That's true. That's why I'm afraid of Baber.
Fatima: [about Islam in Africa] Yes. From an African perspective. You usually only hear the missionary position.
Amaar: Baber, please don't talk about things you don't understand.
Rayyan: Then he'd never say anything.
Baber: If I don't get to talk, I'm out! I knew this was a bad idea.
Fatima: I'm with Baber! We're... What's the word?
Baber: Boycotting!
Fatima: I was gonna say "pissed off", but... Yes! We're boycotting!
Baber: It's "minbar", not "mini-bar".
Rayyan: Muslims do date.
Sarah: [butts in] You call that dating? It's more like a job interview.
Rayyan: Mom, no. It's more like window shopping. See, you don't need to taste the cake to know that it's gonna be delicious.
Sarah: [interupts again] Of course you do! The cake could look good and still be crummy. Or it may be a fruitcake and you know how we all feel about fruitcake...
Rayyan: Mom! Step away from the metaphor.
Fred Tupper: I hate to say "I told you so, people of Mercy!"... But I told you so, people of Mercy!
Reverend Magee: Be a man...grovel!

Swimming Upstream[edit]

Fred: [leaving] Radio show is on in 15...
Fatima: Oh, thanks for reminding me. [turns off the radio]
Fred: Nice try Fatima, but you can't silence the voice of the people that easily.
Fatima: I disagree. Shut. Up. See?
Rayyan: Looks like a nasty sprain.
Fatima: You don't have to dumb it down for me. I came for your medical opinion.
Rayyan: You vitiated your anterior cruciate ligament.
Fatima: Oh no... What does that mean?
Rayyan: Looks like a nasty sprain.
Fatima: Who's going to cook for my customers? You?
Rayyan: Not unless you've got really good insurance
Sarah: A small explosion at the mosque, what's the big deal? [pause] Okay when you say it out loud...
Amaar: You did see the "Do not disturb" sign on the door?
Baber: Oh yes. I will make sure nobody disturbs you.
Rayyan: But we're so close...
Mayor Popowicz: Close only counts at horseshoes. Do Muslim play horseshoes? I find these little cultural differences so interesting.
Rayyan: Can we focus please?
Fatima: It's only Halloween. It's not like they're out drinking and dirty dancing!
Fatima's son: We're not?
Fatima: Watch your smart mouth or you go nowhere!
Baber: What if he leaves Islam to become a witch?
Fatima's son: You can do that?
Baber: My daughter does not [want to go]! She's a good Muslim!
Layla: No I'm not! I swear!
Kid: [to Baber] Sweet Osama costume. The beard looks totally real, dude.
Sarah: Honey, I didn't sabotage the petition. I mean, I didn't mean to sabotage the petition... I mean... [to Yasser] Okay, did I sabotage the petition?
Rayyan: You know you did. You undermined me so that you could go on a trip. That's evil.
Sarah: Oh my God... That's exactly what I did... But it was sleazy, not evil!
Sarah: I was selfish and horrible.
Rayyan: Yes, you were, but so was I.
Sarah: Ah!
Rayyan: Although much less so
Yasser: You two are exactly alike.
Rayyan and Sarah: [simultaneously] No we're not!

The Convert[edit]

Amaar: What was your favorite part [of the sermon]?
Yasser: The end.
Baber: Isn't that wonderful? A convert!
Sarah: Hello! I'm right here! I'm a convert too!
Baber: Yes but he's serious!
Rayyan: [to Sarah] I'll pick you a copy of Islam for Dummies on my way home.
Baber: The boy is Fatima's; the female is mine.
Layla: The female?
Marlon: So, you two are... divorced?
Fatima: Oh no no. My husband passed on. Baber's wife passed on Baber.
Baber: [Loudly] How Joyful! At this rate we'll convert every white people in town to Islam!
Amaar: Indoor voice, Baber.
Sarah: I'm sorry Anne. I was just praying.
Mayor Popowicz: Wow. You and Yasser must have been extra naughty this weekend.
Sarah: No it's not that. Although there was this one thing were he was a TV repairman and I was dressed as a... I'm sorry. What were we talking about?
Amaar: Any bit of advice on dampening religious enthusiasm?
Reverend Magee: Join the clergy.
Fatima: It's from the kosher butcher.
Marlon: You should stop patronizing Jewish businesses.
Fatima: And you should stop patronizing me.
Yasser: Amaar, do you have a minute? I need your help.
Amaar: I'm not holding down another nail for you. My thumb is still throbbing.
Yasser: There must be some rule in the Qur'an against praying too much.
Amaar: Let me get this straight: you're asking a spiritual leader to help someone stop praying?
Amaar: I'm not the Pope, though I'd love a big hat like that.
Baber: Yasser, I have got it! What if we move the Mosque and simply don't tell him?
Yasser: Put it on wheels, move it around town?
Amaar: Religion would be so much easier without the followers.
Reverend Magee: I've seen it before. Spiritual shopping. I blame the Beatles.

Mother in Law[edit]

Mother Hamoudi: Oh, thank you for asking... [deadpan] Don't ask.
Johnny: We've [A gay couple] even written our vows in rhyming couplets. What do you think? "I promise to honour but not obey, except on leather fetish day."
Joe: Whatever happened to the sanctity of marriage?
Reverend Magee: Sanctity? You've been divorced three times!
Fatima: Another muffin?
Reverend Magee: I'd never forgive myself... but Jesus will. Bring it on.
Mother Hamoudi: Samira would cook for you. Her couscous is heavenly, tastes like angel droppings.
Yasser: Mmmm... my favourite type of droppings.
Rayyan: [ausculting Mother Hamoudi] You're fine! We could fox-trot to the beat of your heart! [pause] I have been watching way too much Dancing with the Stars lately.
Baber: Don't make us give you your notice.
Amaar: Baber, you're forgetting: we're the tenants, he's the landlord.
Yasser: I told her [he would not marry Samira]... And then she had a mild heart attack.
Sarah: Then tell her again and finish the job!
Mayor Popowicz: How long are you going to sleep in my office?
Sarah: Until Yasser stand up to his mother.
Mayor Popowicz: Good thing I'm running for a third term.
Joe: I heard you were planning a demonstration on Sunday.
Baber: Yes. Against the abomination.
Joe: Oh. I thought it was...
Baber: Yes, against gay marriage. I just... like to say "abomination"!
Yasser: Are you sorry you doubted me?
Sarah: No, sometimes I'm sorry I married you.

Playing with Fire[edit]

Jeff: [a firefighter] You save lives too.
Rayyan: True. But you make house calls.
Baber: As Allah is my witness, I have no imagination! None!
Yasser: What kind of normal person has any interest in Islam?
Rayyan: You mean besides us Muslims, dad?
Amaar: So you're saying... They were actually... Holding hands?
Baber: I wasn't saying it. I was yelling it!
Baber: Layla must be protected from the influence of this... Pop tart!
Rayyan: That's because there's nothing wrong with you!
Jeff: I know. I just wanted to see you again.
Rayyan: Okay, there is something wrong with you.
Layla: My father is sending me to an islamic school to become an islamobot!
Fatima: You're an impossible man!
Baber: I am entirely possible!
Amaar: A man is not allowed to touch a Muslim woman unless he is her brother, her father or her husband.
Jeff: Not even if she needs mouth-to-mouth?
Amaar: You keep your mouth away from her.
Jeff: She'd be unconscious.
Amaar: You'd kiss an unconscious woman?!
Jeff: I don't mean to be culturally insensitive here but... What the hell?
Sarah: Don't ruin this for Rayyan.
Yasser: I'm her father. It's my job to ruin it for her.
Jeff: I don't mind being used. I'm user-friendly.
Amaar: I'm sorry I care so much.
Rayyan: That's not an apology.
Amaar: I'm sorry you lost your way.
Rayyan: You shoudn't be making bad excuses!
Amaar: I'm sorry, nothing I ever say seems to work!
Rayyan: Oh, well, that's obvious.
Amaar: I am sorry I'm here!
Rayyan: Oh, well, now we're getting somewhere. And I am sorry that you're here too.

The Archdeacon Cometh[edit]

Reverend Magee: Christianity hasn't lasted two thousand years by being charitable.
Amaar: You can't pretend to be Christian.
Reverend Magee: Actually you can. Half my congregation does.
Fred: I wouldn't waste a braincell trying to find out.
Fatima: Yes. I'd imagine you are in short supply.
Sarah: I don't remember much about growing up Anglican but I must've been there.
Sarah: Don't we have a New Testament hanging around somewhere around here?
Yasser: New Testament?
Sarah: Yeah or an Old Testament?
Yasser: If we had a new testament surely I would have thrown the old one.
Fatima: It will help your back, and your colon.
Fred: What's wrong with my colon?
Fatima: You're full of crap.
Yasser: My seat smells. Is that why they call it a "pew"?
Reverend Magee: [Explaining how the Muslims can't pass off as Anglicans] And the way they all stood up, with such vigor! No, no, no, no, no! [He demonstrates] The older... congregants jump right up, as though we just opened up the buffet. And then, some of them lag behind because they're stone-deaf. And then there's always the ones who just draaaaag themselves up like teenagers who've been asked to do the dishes. Now, let's try it again, let's get this perfectly wrong...
[Fred is covered in warts]
Fatima: What is wrong with you?
Fred: Well, I've managed to narrow it down to a couple of possibilities: African killer bees, or a killer African!
Yasser: When is Easter?
Sarah: April.
Yasser: That's when Baby Jesus sees his own shadow, right?
[Fatima just pulled Fred's back into place]
Fred: Fatima sweetheart? That lotion crap you gave me for my back was only to soften me up so you could fix me, right?
Fatima: No. I wanted to see you suffer a little bit longer.

Season 2[edit]

Grave Concern[edit]

Rayyan: I don't just fix wrists; I can break them too, you know!
Rayyan: Well, it's not about winning.
Sarah: So what's it about?
Rayyan: It's about the principle of the thing.
Sarah: No, really, what's it about? I have no clue what you're talking about.
Fatima: A Muslim likes to be buried with other Muslims. On his right side.
Fred: What, is it better for your back?
Baber: I want to be buried with other Muslims, on my side, facing Mecca, and I want it now!
Amaar: You sure you don't want to wait till you're dead? It's less claustrophobic.
Sarah: [making community announcements] There's an Interfaith Council meeting... Ah, who cares about that?
Fatima: what is that? Over there?
Baber: Mecca.
Fatima: No, you ignorant man. Between us and Mecca.
Baber: [reading the sign] Belt Buckle z?
Fatima: I do not want to spend eternity looking at a saloon.
Baber: You idiot. You.... ruined my death.
Yasser: [Trying to sell a cemetery plot] What do I need to do to put you in a grave today?
Sarah: [making announcements again] And then when I was twelve we got a turtle...
Baber: We do not want to spend eternity watching a bunch of cowboys drinking.
Patron: Yeah, well, maybe us cowboys don't want to drink while being watched by a bunch of dead Muslims.
Amaar: You're ignoring the larger issue: this makes me look bad.

Public Access[edit]

Baber: Best outreach event ever, Amaar.
Amaar: We didn't get any visitors.
Baber: That's exactly my point!
Layla: No one ever says they hate me like that.
Baber: You can't talk by yourself for an entire hour and expect people to listen!
Amaar: That's no different than what I do here at the Mosque.
Baber: Ah, you said it, not me!
Baber: How will anyone know that you're finally embracing your modesty unless we show you off, uh?
Amaar: Nobody's spinning any schnauzer.
Fatima: I think it's a lovely hijab, Layla. You look like a big, grown... [Baber leaves the room] What is going on here?
Yasser: that is why I will build you a new one for nothing.
Amaar: "Nothing" nothing or "Yasser" nothing?
Yasser: It's a work-in-progress.
Amaar: But you said "Consider it done".
Yasser: Which you're not doing.
Baber: Today at school, she kept waiting for me to leave.
Fatima: I am always waiting for you to leave.
Baber: What is she hiding under there? Is it, huh, pierced ears? A hickey? A hickey piercing!
Baber: It is my duty to do something stupid!
Baber: Is there something that you've been keeping from your classmates?
Layla: Yes! You!
Layla: A lot of girls in our class have bellybuttons.

Ban the Burka[edit]

[about a woman with a niqab]
Amaar: She's a Muslim who's come here to pray. Outside chance, she's a ninja.
Yasser: What did you and your wife talk about?
Baber: uhh... Our divorce?
Yasser: Before that?
Baber: We... had this fight about my toenails... I-It's not important!
Fred: You always think people are trying to hypnotize you. Remember last year at the talent contest?
Joe: Yeah, but that guy was a hypnotist!
Fred: Ventriloquist!
Joe: Yeah but the dummy... those eyes...
Mayor Popowicz: What is he talking about? Is there a beheading issue? [...] Sara cares very much about her Muslim sisters. I've never seen you interacting with them, but I'm sure you care on some level.
Fred: Well here's my idea: first thing we need is an angry mob...
Sarah: Found it!
Fred: I knew there had to be a law against burkas!
Sarah: No, a law against marigolds.
Fred: Is that some kind of weird Muslim thing?
Sarah: No, the flower. I hate marigolds. In 1927 they banned them on Main Street.
Fred: [stares]
Sarah: I'll keep looking
Yasser: I have to leave my daughter's in jail.
Baber: If you don't want to help me just say so!
Joe: Even now she could be in control of my mind.
Fatima: Nobody is in control of your mind.
Yasser: Ladies, please! Let's not turn this prison visit into something unpleasant.
Baber: I don't know the first thing to say to her! Or the second, or the fourth!
Yasser: You missed out the third.
Baber: I know the third. "My name is Baber, sister. What is yours?"
Joe: [in the holding cell] Boy this place looks bigger when you're sober.
Reverend Magee: Earlier I may have ransacked your office but I'm very disappointed in you.

Rival Imam[edit]

Mayor: Is the mosque building a hydrogen bomb?
Sarah: No, of course not!
Mayor: I don't understand, what other kind of bomb uses that much water?
Sarah: They are not building a bomb. It's probably just the wudu.
Mayor: Oh, where you sacrifice a chicken and everybody dances around.
Sarah: No, that is voodoo. This is wudu, it's a washing ritual. Befor we pray, Muslims have to wash each body part three times.
Mayor: It's like your entire religion is based on obsessive compulsive disorder.
Sarah: Well, Christians have holy water.
Mayor: Yes, but we don't go spraying it around all over the place, unless there's a vampire camp.
Baber: Finally a real Imam with a beard!
Amaar: Everybody reads from the same Qur'an.
Baber: Yes, but his is not the pocket book edition.
Rayyan: We have got the whole system on a timer so that we're not wasting power in the middle of the night.
Ali: So what powers the timer?

Spy Something or Get Out[edit]

Nancy: Some of my best friends are Muslims.
Fatima: Who?
Nancy: Er... Faruq... Abdul... Halal... I really don't have any Muslim friends.
Nancy: I was hoping to get some pie.
Fatima: We all hope for a lot of things.
Amaar: Seeing is believing.
Nancy: Yes, but believing is also believing and it's a lot faster.

External links[edit]

Wikipedia
Wikipedia
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