Little Mosque on the Prairie

Little Mosque on the Prairie (2007 - 2012) is a Canadian sitcom centering around the Muslim community of a small Saskatchewan town.

Season 1

Little Mosque

Baber: The enemy is in your kitchen.

Rayyan: And maybe while the enemy's in there he could do the dishes.

Amaar: [on phone] Mom, stop it with the guilt. No, don't put dad on! I've been planning this for months it's not like I dropped a bomb on 'im. Oh dad thinks it's suicide? So be it; this is Allah's plan for me.

Woman: Oh my …

Amaar: I'm not throwing my life away, I'm moving to the Prairies!

Mayor Popowicz: Sarah, you're supposed to spin the news, not be the news!

Mayor Popowicz: I can work with the truth.

Sarah and Popowicz: But only as a last resort.

Yasser: Yes, this is a good one: "Reverend, I would like to run a mosque out of your parish hall. Would you like to tell Jesus or should I?"

Amaar: How am I supposed to prepare for Ramadan when the whole town's in an uproar. What were you people thinking?

Fatima: This is that convert Sarah's fault. Tell me: aren't goats more traditional than cucumbers?

Amaar: You've lost me.

Amaar: Can't a Muslim book a one-way flight these days without someone having to call their supervisor?

Rayyan: I thought you'd drag us into the modern world. Or at least the 11th century.

Amaar: Yes, so did I. That's why I gave up being a lawyer

Rayyan: Oh. And there I thought you just sucked at that too.

Amaar: You can't just sue people for no reason. Well, all right, you can but I'm not doing that anymore!

Reverend Magee: It may have been God who said "Let there be light!" but it's me who pays the electric bill.

The Barrier

Baber: I got a deal from the old rink. From what I hear, nothing separates men and women like Hockey Night in Canada!

Rayyan: Three seconds of male enlightenment. That's a new record.

Fred Tupper: Would it kill you Muslim girls to show a bit more... uh.. cleavage? Now and then.

Fatima: Would it kill you if I hit you with a cleaver?

Baber: You look like a Protestant!

Layla: Don't you mean "prostitute"?

Baber: No. I mean "Protestant".

Rayyan: Okay. I have to get to the clinic. But once I'm gone, just imagine that after everything mom says, I am saying "That's right!".

Sarah: Fred Tupper standing up for oppressed women?

Mayor Popowicz: I think he's standing up for oppressed boobs.

Fatima: I don't want a bunch of men leering at me while I pray.

Baber: And I don't want you women distracted by my bottom.

Sarah: Trust me Baber, no one is looking at your bottom.

Baber: Western school system! Filling their head with... thinking!

Reverend Magee: John 8:7: "He among you who has never sinned, cast the first stone" or in this case "he among you who has not got stoned, cast the first sin".

Amaar: So you didn't fire him.

Reverend Magee: Not until I ate a couple of his hash brownies at the choir picnic.

Rayyan: [sitting on the barrier to keep Baber from setting it back up] You're not supposed to touch me.

Baber: Please, forgive me, sister Rayyan. I totally forgot myself.

Rayyan: Of course.

Baber: It'll never happen again

Rayyan: Good

Baber: Gimme that piece of wood so I can push her off!

Amaar: The perfect Muslim solution... Nobody's happy.

The Open House

Mayor Popowicz: Ah! It's not gonna be one of those multi-culty snoozefests with lying speeches and bad skits, is it? No offense.

Amaar: I'll cancel the camel ride.

Mayor Popowicz: [perking up] Camel ride?

Yasser: "Only use the best", that's my motto!

Client: I thought your motto was "we build cheap"?

Fatima: People are afraid of things they don't understand.

Rayyan: That's true. That's why I'm afraid of Baber.

Fatima: [about Islam in Africa] Yes. From an African perspective. You usually only hear the missionary position.

Amaar: Baber, please don't talk about things you don't understand.

Rayyan: Then he'd never say anything.

Baber: If I don't get to talk, I'm out! I knew this was a bad idea.

Fatima: I'm with Baber! We're... What's the word?

Baber: Boycotting!

Fatima: I was gonna say "pissed off", but... Yes! We're boycotting!

Baber: It's "minbar", not "mini-bar".

Rayyan: Muslims do date.

Sarah: [butts in] You call that dating? It's more like a job interview.

Rayyan: Mom, no. It's more like window shopping. See, you don't need to taste the cake to know that it's gonna be delicious.

Sarah: [interrupts again] Of course you do! The cake could look good and still be crummy. Or it may be a fruitcake and you know how we all feel about fruitcake...

Rayyan: Mom! Step away from the metaphor.

Fred Tupper: I hate to say "I told you so, people of Mercy!"... But I told you so, people of Mercy!

Reverend Magee: Be a man...grovel!

Swimming Upstream

Fred: [leaving] Radio show is on in 15...

Fatima: Oh, thanks for reminding me. [turns off the radio]

Fred: Nice try Fatima, but you can't silence the voice of the people that easily.

Fatima: I disagree. Shut. Up. See?

Rayyan: Looks like a nasty sprain.

Fatima: You don't have to dumb it down for me. I came for your medical opinion.

Rayyan: You vitiated your anterior cruciate ligament.

Fatima: Oh no... What does that mean?

Rayyan: Looks like a nasty sprain.

Fatima: Who's going to cook for my customers? You?

Rayyan: Not unless you've got really good insurance

Sarah: A small explosion at the mosque, what's the big deal? [pause] Okay when you say it out loud...

Amaar: You did see the "Do not disturb" sign on the door?

Baber: Oh yes. I will make sure nobody disturbs you.

Rayyan: But we're so close...

Mayor Popowicz: Close only counts at horseshoes. Do Muslim play horseshoes? I find these little cultural differences so interesting.

Rayyan: Can we focus please?

Fatima: It's only Halloween. It's not like they're out drinking and dirty dancing!

Fatima's son: We're not?

Fatima: Watch your smart mouth or you go nowhere!

Baber: What if he leaves Islam to become a witch?

Fatima's son: You can do that?

Baber: My daughter does not [want to go]! She's a good Muslim!

Layla: No I'm not! I swear!

Kid: [to Baber] Sweet Osama costume. The beard looks totally real, dude.

Sarah: Honey, I didn't sabotage the petition. I mean, I didn't mean to sabotage the petition... I mean... [to Yasser] Okay, did I sabotage the petition?

Rayyan: You know you did. You undermined me so that you could go on a trip. That's evil.

Sarah: Oh my God... That's exactly what I did... But it was sleazy, not evil!

Sarah: I was selfish and horrible.

Rayyan: Yes, you were, but so was I.

Sarah: Ah!

Rayyan: Although much less so

Yasser: You two are exactly alike.

Rayyan and Sarah: [simultaneously] No we're not!

The Convert

Amaar: What was your favorite part [of the sermon]?

Yasser: The end.

Baber: Isn't that wonderful? A convert!

Sarah: Hello! I'm right here! I'm a convert too!

Baber: Yes but he's serious!

Rayyan: [to Sarah] I'll pick you a copy of Islam for Dummies on my way home.

Baber: The boy is Fatima's; the female is mine.

Layla: The female?

Marlon: So, you two are... divorced?

Fatima: Oh no no. My husband passed on. Baber's wife passed on Baber.

Baber: [Loudly] How Joyful! At this rate we'll convert every white people in town to Islam!

Amaar: Indoor voice, Baber.

Sarah: I'm sorry Anne. I was just praying.

Mayor Popowicz: Wow. You and Yasser must have been extra naughty this weekend.

Sarah: No it's not that. Although there was this one thing were he was a TV repairman and I was dressed as a... I'm sorry. What were we talking about?

Amaar: Any bit of advice on dampening religious enthusiasm?

Reverend Magee: Join the clergy.

Fatima: It's from the kosher butcher.

Marlon: You should stop patronizing Jewish businesses.

Fatima: And you should stop patronizing me.

Yasser: Amaar, do you have a minute? I need your help.

Amaar: I'm not holding down another nail for you. My thumb is still throbbing.

Yasser: There must be some rule in the Qur'an against praying too much.

Amaar: Let me get this straight: you're asking a spiritual leader to help someone stop praying?

Amaar: I'm not the Pope, though I'd love a big hat like that.

Baber: Yasser, I have got it! What if we move the Mosque and simply don't tell him?

Yasser: Put it on wheels, move it around town?

Amaar: Religion would be so much easier without the followers.

Reverend Magee: I've seen it before. Spiritual shopping. I blame the Beatles.

Mother in Law

Mother Hamoudi: Oh, thank you for asking... [deadpan] Don't ask.

Johnny: We've [A gay couple] even written our vows in rhyming couplets. What do you think? "I promise to honour but not obey, except on leather fetish day."

Joe: Whatever happened to the sanctity of marriage?

Reverend Magee: Sanctity? You've been divorced three times!

Fatima: Another muffin?

Reverend Magee: I'd never forgive myself... but Jesus will. Bring it on.

Mother Hamoudi: Samira would cook for you. Her couscous is heavenly, tastes like angel droppings.

Yasser: Mmmm... my favourite type of droppings.

Rayyan: [ausculting Mother Hamoudi] You're fine! We could fox-trot to the beat of your heart! [pause] I have been watching way too much Dancing with the Stars lately.

Baber: Don't make us give you your notice.

Amaar: Baber, you're forgetting: we're the tenants, he's the landlord.

Yasser: I told her [he would not marry Samira]... And then she had a mild heart attack.

Sarah: Then tell her again and finish the job!

Mayor Popowicz: How long are you going to sleep in my office?

Sarah: Until Yasser stand up to his mother.

Mayor Popowicz: Good thing I'm running for a third term.

Joe: I heard you were planning a demonstration on Sunday.

Baber: Yes. Against the abomination.

Joe: Oh. I thought it was...

Baber: Yes, against gay marriage. I just... like to say "abomination"!

Yasser: Are you sorry you doubted me?

Sarah: No, sometimes I'm sorry I married you.

Playing with Fire

Jeff: [a firefighter] You save lives too.

Rayyan: True. But you make house calls.

Baber: As Allah is my witness, I have no imagination! None!

Yasser: What kind of normal person has any interest in Islam?

Rayyan: You mean besides us Muslims, dad?

Amaar: So you're saying... They were actually... Holding hands?

Baber: I wasn't saying it. I was yelling it!

Baber: Layla must be protected from the influence of this... Pop tart!

Rayyan: That's because there's nothing wrong with you!

Jeff: I know. I just wanted to see you again.

Rayyan: Okay, there is something wrong with you.

Layla: My father is sending me to an islamic school to become an islamobot!

Fatima: You're an impossible man!

Baber: I am entirely possible!

Amaar: A man is not allowed to touch a Muslim woman unless he is her brother, her father or her husband.

Jeff: Not even if she needs mouth-to-mouth?

Amaar: You keep your mouth away from her.

Jeff: She'd be unconscious.

Amaar: You'd kiss an unconscious woman?!

Jeff: I don't mean to be culturally insensitive here but... What the hell?

Sarah: Don't ruin this for Rayyan.

Yasser: I'm her father. It's my job to ruin it for her.

Jeff: I don't mind being used. I'm user-friendly.

Amaar: I'm sorry I care so much.

Rayyan: That's not an apology.

Amaar: I'm sorry you lost your way.

Rayyan: You shoudn't be making bad excuses!

Amaar: I'm sorry, nothing I ever say seems to work!

Rayyan: Oh, well, that's obvious.

Amaar: I am sorry I'm here!

Rayyan: Oh, well, now we're getting somewhere. And I am sorry that you're here too.

The Archdeacon Cometh

Reverend Magee: Christianity hasn't lasted two thousand years by being charitable.

Amaar: You can't pretend to be Christian.

Reverend Magee: Actually you can. Half my congregation does.

Fred: I wouldn't waste a braincell trying to find out.

Fatima: Yes. I'd imagine you are in short supply.

Sarah: I don't remember much about growing up Anglican but I must've been there.

Sarah: Don't we have a New Testament hanging around somewhere around here?

Yasser: New Testament?

Sarah: Yeah or an Old Testament?

Yasser: If we had a new testament surely I would have thrown the old one.

Fatima: It will help your back, and your colon.

Fred: What's wrong with my colon?

Fatima: You're full of crap.

Yasser: My seat smells. Is that why they call it a "pew"?

Reverend Magee: [Explaining how the Muslims can't pass off as Anglicans] And the way they all stood up, with such vigor! No, no, no, no, no! [He demonstrates] The older... congregants jump right up, as though we just opened up the buffet. And then, some of them lag behind because they're stone-deaf. And then there's always the ones who just draaaaag themselves up like teenagers who've been asked to do the dishes. Now, let's try it again, let's get this perfectly wrong...

[Fred is covered in warts]

Fatima: What is wrong with you?

Fred: Well, I've managed to narrow it down to a couple of possibilities: African killer bees, or a killer African!

Yasser: When is Easter?

Sarah: April.

Yasser: That's when Baby Jesus sees his own shadow, right?

[Fatima just pulled Fred's back into place]

Fred: Fatima sweetheart? That lotion crap you gave me for my back was only to soften me up so you could fix me, right?

Fatima: No. I wanted to see you suffer a little bit longer.

Season 2

Grave Concern

Rayyan: I don't just fix wrists; I can break them too, you know!

Rayyan: Well, it's not about winning.

Sarah: So what's it about?

Rayyan: It's about the principle of the thing.

Sarah: No, really, what's it about? I have no clue what you're talking about.

Fatima: A Muslim likes to be buried with other Muslims. On his right side.

Fred: What, is it better for your back?

Baber: I want to be buried with other Muslims, on my side, facing Mecca, and I want it now!

Amaar: You sure you don't want to wait till you're dead? It's less claustrophobic.

Sarah: [making community announcements] There's an Interfaith Council meeting... Ah, who cares about that?

Fatima: what is that? Over there?

Baber: Mecca.

Fatima: No, you ignorant man. Between us and Mecca.

Baber: [reading the sign] Belt Buckle z?

Fatima: I do not want to spend eternity looking at a saloon.

Baber: You idiot. You.... ruined my death.

Yasser: [Trying to sell a cemetery plot] What do I need to do to put you in a grave today?

Sarah: [making announcements again] And then when I was twelve we got a turtle...

Baber: We do not want to spend eternity watching a bunch of cowboys drinking.

Patron: Yeah, well, maybe us cowboys don't want to drink while being watched by a bunch of dead Muslims.

Amaar: You're ignoring the larger issue: this makes me look bad.

Public Access

Baber: Best outreach event ever, Amaar.

Amaar: We didn't get any visitors.

Baber: That's exactly my point!

Layla: No one ever says they hate me like that.

Baber: You can't talk by yourself for an entire hour and expect people to listen!

Amaar: That's no different than what I do here at the Mosque.

Baber: Ah, you said it, not me!

Baber: How will anyone know that you're finally embracing your modesty unless we show you off, uh?

Amaar: Nobody's spinning any schnauzer.

Fatima: I think it's a lovely hijab, Layla. You look like a big, grown... [Baber leaves the room] What is going on here?

Yasser: that is why I will build you a new one for nothing.

Amaar: "Nothing" nothing or "Yasser" nothing?

Yasser: It's a work-in-progress.

Amaar: But you said "Consider it done".

Yasser: Which you're not doing.

Baber: Today at school, she kept waiting for me to leave.

Fatima: I am always waiting for you to leave.

Baber: What is she hiding under there? Is it, huh, pierced ears? A hickey? A hickey piercing!

Baber: It is my duty to do something stupid!

Baber: Is there something that you've been keeping from your classmates?

Layla: Yes! You!

Layla: A lot of girls in our class have bellybuttons.

Ban the Burka

[about a woman with a niqab]

Amaar: She's a Muslim who's come here to pray. Outside chance, she's a ninja.

Yasser: What did you and your wife talk about?

Baber: uhh... Our divorce?

Yasser: Before that?

Baber: We... had this fight about my toenails... I-It's not important!

Fred: You always think people are trying to hypnotize you. Remember last year at the talent contest?

Joe: Yeah, but that guy was a hypnotist!

Fred: Ventriloquist!

Joe: Yeah but the dummy... those eyes...

Mayor Popowicz: What is he talking about? Is there a beheading issue? [...] Sara cares very much about her Muslim sisters. I've never seen you interacting with them, but I'm sure you care on some level.

Fred: Well here's my idea: first thing we need is an angry mob...

Sarah: Found it!

Fred: I knew there had to be a law against burkas!

Sarah: No, a law against marigolds.

Fred: Is that some kind of weird Muslim thing?

Sarah: No, the flower. I hate marigolds. In 1927 they banned them on Main Street.

Fred: [stares]

Sarah: I'll keep looking

Yasser: I have to leave my daughter's in jail.

Baber: If you don't want to help me just say so!

Joe: Even now she could be in control of my mind.

Fatima: Nobody is in control of your mind.

Yasser: Ladies, please! Let's not turn this prison visit into something unpleasant.

Baber: I don't know the first thing to say to her! Or the second, or the fourth!

Yasser: You missed out the third.

Baber: I know the third. "My name is Baber, sister. What is yours?"

Joe: [in the holding cell] Boy this place looks bigger when you're sober.

Reverend Magee: Earlier I may have ransacked your office but I'm very disappointed in you.

Rival Imam

Mayor: Is the mosque building a hydrogen bomb?

Sarah: No, of course not!

Mayor: I don't understand, what other kind of bomb uses that much water?

Sarah: They are not building a bomb. It's probably just the wudu.

Mayor: Oh, where you sacrifice a chicken and everybody dances around.

Sarah: No, that is voodoo. This is wudu, it's a washing ritual. Befor we pray, Muslims have to wash each body part three times.

Mayor: It's like your entire religion is based on obsessive compulsive disorder.

Sarah: Well, Christians have holy water.

Mayor: Yes, but we don't go spraying it around all over the place, unless there's a vampire camp.

Baber: Finally a real Imam with a beard!

Amaar: Everybody reads from the same Qur'an.

Baber: Yes, but his is not the pocket book edition.

Rayyan: We have got the whole system on a timer so that we're not wasting power in the middle of the night.

Ali: So what powers the timer?

Spy Something or Get Out

Nancy: Some of my best friends are Muslims.

Fatima: Who?

Nancy: Er... Faruq... Abdul... Halal... I really don't have any Muslim friends.

Nancy: I was hoping to get some pie.

Fatima: We all hope for a lot of things.

Amaar: Seeing is believing.

Nancy: Yes, but believing is also believing and it's a lot faster.

External links

Wikipedia

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Little Mosque on the Prairie