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New Musical Girlesque!!! (taglines)
Detective Sam Grunion
- I am the same Sam Grunion who solved the international uranium-mining swindle. Scotland Yard was baffled; the FBI was baffled. They sent for me and the case was solved immediately: I confessed.
- Here's another Broadway hopeful: Faustino the Great. For 20 years he was an organ grinder with a monkey. Then one day the monkey went on strike. He wanted shorter hours and longer bananas.
- Mackinaw, you know I have a full record of the case, and tonight at the opening of the play you MAY have the solution, but when the curtain rises, Madam Egelichi will be in the front box, and sitting next to her will be Count B'ullabaisse - but if you take away the count's silk hat, his opera cloak and his full dress suit you'll have ME, shivering in my underwear.
- Hey, that's not my suit you're pulling.
- [to Madam Egelichi] Oh, no. I'm not gonna follow you and get shot. If I was half-shot I'd follow you.
Faustino the Great
- Look-a, Mr. Lyons, I know you wanna make a good impression, but-a please - don't play better than me.
- Faustino the Great: How long you study music?
- Mr. Lyons: Fifteen years.
- Faustino the Great: Fifteen. You know, two more years you could've been a plumber?
- Faustino the Great: Never mind the pianissimo. I'm gonna make it-a very simple for you: we play it allegro pizzicato. That's what-a you call 'em, high-class Carnegie Hall stuff. You know allegro pizzicato?
- Mr. Lyons: No.
- Faustino the Great: You know Jimmy Pizzicato?
- Mr. Lyons: No.
- Faustino the Great: None of the Pizzicatos, uh?
- Mr. Lyons: No.
- Faustino the Great: What DO you know?
- Mr. Lyons: I know pistachio.
- Faustino the Great: Pistachio? Ha! We play it! [shrugs]
- Faustino the Great: I no like-a to brag, but the thing I'm-a most unknown for is-a mind-reading. I give you demonstration. You're thinking of something.
- Mike Johnson: [dubiously] Right, so far.
- Faustino the Great: You're thinking of a nice juicy steak with a French-a fried-a potatoes.
- Mike Johnson: [far less than impressed] The exit's over there.
- Mr. Lyons: Are you a friend of Mr. Yorkman?
- Faustino the Great: [crossing fingers before him] Friend? Ha. Max and I are just-a like that - two heads on the same neck.
- Detective Sam Grunion': [objecting to being killed with a straight razor] This'll never do. I got a hide like an elephant. By the way, did you ever try to hide an elephant?
- Ivan: You will be dead in five minutes
- Detective Sam Grunion: Huh! For your information, my doctor gave me three years to live, and I don't intend to make a fool out of HIM.
- Detective Sam Grunion: Come in. Is there anything I can do for you? What a ridiculous statement.
- Grunion's Client: Mr. Grunion. I want you to help me.
- Detective Sam Grunion: I have a little sand left. What seems to be the trouble?
- Grunion's Client: Some men are following me.
- Detective Sam Grunion: Really? I can't understand why.
- New Musical Girlesque!!!
- Harpo Marx — Harpo
- Chico Marx — Faustino the Great
- Groucho Marx — Detective Sam Grunion
- Vera-Ellen — Maggie Phillips
- Ilona Massey — Madame Egelichi
- Marion Hutton — Bunny Dolan
- Paul Valentine — Mike Johnson
- Raymond Burr — Alphonse Zoto
- Bruce Gordon — Hannibal Zoto
- Melville Cooper — Lefty Throckmorton
- Leon Belasco — Mr. Lyons
- Marilyn Monroe — Grunion's Client
- Eric Blore — Mackinaw