Lucifer (TV series)

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Lucifer (2016-present) is an American fantasy police procedural comedy-drama television series made by FOX. The series focuses on Lucifer Morningstar, "who is bored and unhappy as the Lord of Hell and abandons his throne and abandons his kingdom for the beauty of Los Angeles, where he gets his kicks helping the LAPD punish criminals".

Season 1[edit]

On Screen Text
In the beginning... The angel Lucifer was cast out of Heaven and condemned to rule Hell for all eternity. Until he decided to take a vacation...

Pilot[edit]

Traffic Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
Lucifer Morningstar: Well, obviously you felt the need to exercise your limited powers and punish me for ignoring the speed limit. It's okay, I understand. It's... I... I like to punish people too. Or, at least I used to.

Amenadiel: Your return to the underworld has been requested.
Lucifer: Oh, right. Okay. Let me just, uh... check my calendar. Yeah, here it is. Uh... the "7th of never" through to the "15th of ain't gonna happen". How's that worth to you guys? Ah, look... remind Dad that I quit Hell because I was sick and tired of playing a part in His play.
Amenadiel: I'm gonna warn you against disrespecting our father, Lucifer.
Lucifer: Yeah, well, our father's been disrespecting me since the beginning of time, so pot-kettle, don't you think?
Amenadiel: You... are a mockery of everything divine.
Lucifer: Thank you.

Chloe Decker: Why don't you tell me something? How did she end up dying in a hailstorm of bullets and you get away without a scratch? I think that's interesting, don't you?
Lucifer: The benefits of immortality.
Chloe: Immortality? Mm. Of course. Uh... you spell that with one or two "m"s? I always forget.

2Vile: You have a problem with black people?
Lucifer: No, not in the slightest. I just hate your music. And when I say your music, I mean "your" music, not the music made by other black people. Without the blues there would be no Devil's music whatsoever. There are of course many giants in the field. Just not you. Am I being clear?

Trixie: My name's Beatrice but everybody calls me Trixie.
Lucifer: That's a hooker's name.
Trixie: What's a hooker?
Lucifer: Ask your mother.

Lucifer, Stay. Good Devil[edit]

Chloe: So our only evidence is currently in your lungs?
Lucifer: Uh, you really wanted to say "up in smoke" then, didn't you?
Chloe: No. No, I most definitely did not.

Dr. Linda Martin: So you're the Devil?
Lucifer: Yes. Yes. Well, Satan, Beelzebub, Old Scratch. Actually, I like that one in particular. But, uh, those were the old me. These days, you just have plain old Lucifer.
Linda: And you've left Hell behind to take a vacation in Los Angeles?
Lucifer: Well, where else would I go?

Lucifer: What makes you different?
Chloe: I guess we both have our mysteries.
Lucifer: Ah. Well, I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

Linda: Sometimes it's easier to make intimate issues about something bigger than yourself.
Lucifer: Well, there are few things bigger than myself.
Linda: I'm well aware.

Lucifer: I think you like me.
Chloe: What part of the look on my face gives you that impression?

The Would-Be Prince of Darkness[edit]

Linda: You know, you say... you say people are phony here, but I think people come here to re-invent themselves. That's why I think you're here. To reinvent yourself.
Lucifer: Why would I mess with perfection?

Young Woman: Lucifer Morningstar, the guy who owns Lux?
Lucifer: Yes, that is me.
Young Woman: No it's not. I've seen him before, his beats are sick.
Lucifer: I very much beg your pardon?
Young Woman: Yeah, he performed at a rap battle in The Valley last week.
Lucifer: Every part of that horrifies me.
Young Woman: It is so gross, that you're pretending to be someone you're not. And your accent is fake.

Chloe: Finally some rain. Maybe someone up there is looking out for us.
Lucifer: I can assure you He's in no way meteorologically-inclined. Apart from the whole Noah thing and that was a one-off.

Lucifer: Do I get a code word? You know, for when you take her down. If so, might I suggest "monkey bottoms"? 'Cause trust me, I can work that into any sentence quite naturally.

Dan Espinoza: Once I engage with her, I will hire her to fix a problem of mine.
Lucifer: Right. Well, if it's that stick up your ass, I'm afraid there's no one strong enough to pull that out.

Manly Whatnots[edit]

Chloe: Let me make myself perfectly clear. I will never, ever, ever sleep with you. Never. Okay? Got it?
Lucifer: Playing hard to get. I like it.
Chloe: When Hell freezes over, Lucifer.
Lucifer: I can arrange that, actually.

Chloe: Where did you get this dress anyhow?
Lucifer: Oh, it was left behind by my one of my 'overnight guests'.
Chloe: What was she wearing when she left?
Lucifer: A smile.
Chloe: Mm. if I get an STD from this thing, I'm going to kill you.

Dan: What in God's name are you doing here?
Lucifer: Nothing in His name. Here on my own, actually.

Chloe: I thought you didn't lie.
Lucifer: I don't. But I don't always tell the whole truth.

Lucifer: Cool ranch puff?
Chloe: No, thanks.
Lucifer: No? It's funny, isn't it? You'd think the king of hellfire would be more of a flaming hot guy, but love these bad boys.

Sweet Kicks[edit]

Maze: But if you insist on continuing this exploration, maybe next time, I won't be around to save your ass.
Lucifer: Well, that is a shame. 'Cause you and my backside used to get on very well. My front side as well, actually.

Chloe: Please tell me I'm hallucinating.
Lucifer: Well, I am dreamy, but try to contain yourself.

Barista: And your name?
Maze: "Mazikeen".
Barista: How do you spell that?
Maze: Surprise me.

Lucifer: The good news is that whilst all dogs go to Heaven, you'd be surprised how many pigs are waiting for you in Hell.

Lucifer: I'm now an official civilian consultant for the LAPD. Not that there's anything civil about the Devil. What fun would that be?

Favorite Son[edit]

Lucifer: This poor sap's either already in Hell or in the "Silver City, enduring Uriel's welcome speech, which is far worse than Hell, if you ask me.
Chloe: Let's pretend for one second that you're someone else. Someone nice, someone mature.
Lucifer: Ooh, I love role-play.

Linda: And yet you keep trying on many hats to hide your horns. Playboy, cop, club owner...
Lucifer: Yes, you forget "master of all things tongue-related."

Linda: If only I knew someone who could help me with the Bible.
Amenadiel: (as Dr. Canaan) I know so much about it, it's almost as if I was there.

Lucifer: That was incredible. It was musical, poetic, really. We were like fish and chips, salt and pepper. Hipsters and condescension.

Chloe: I need your help like I need a third boob.
Lucifer: Hmm.
Chloe: Wait. Don't say a word. 'Know it was a mistake the minute it came out of my mouth.

Wingman[edit]

Amenadiel: Paul's wrists were too thick to fit in those chains.
Lucifer: I know. That man never could pass on dessert, could he?
Amenadiel: He should have been the saint of...
Lucifer and Amenadiel: Honey cakes.

Chloe: Remember the Palmetto case I was telling you about?
Lucifer: The case that's been consuming you, causing people to despise you, call you names--I even quarreled on occasion because of it? No, doesn't ring a bell.

Lucifer: You're not busy, are you?
Chloe: Actually, shocker, I am busy. And it's really not a good day for... your... 'Luciferness'.

Lucifer: Now, I'm not one to get into the feels, usually, but... you seem genuinely distressed. You okay? Do you want to--I don't know--chat about it or something? Sex is always on the table.

Amenadiel: You sure you don't want to chase after her? Maybe I can ask Father for some rain and make it 'a moment'.

Et Tu, Doctor?[edit]

Dan: We brought you a birthday gift.
Lucifer: Is that the royal "we"?
Chloe: Whiskey with a pickle juice chaser. It's our station's birthday tradition.
Lucifer: Lovely! How can I refuse? Can I refuse?
Dan: Of course you can. and we'll always think less of you.

Lucifer: You're supposed to be on my side, you know.
Linda: No. I'm supposed to help you process your emotions so that you can deal with them constructively.
Lucifer: Yes, by being on my side and realizing that I'm right.

Linda: What's bothering you right now?
Lucifer: Well... right now I'm experiencing a very odd feeling. It's--it's like a fat man sitting on my chest. But not in a fun way.

Chloe: You. You're really in therapy?
Lucifer: Why is that so surprising?
Chloe: You're the least reflective person I know.
Lucifer: I have layers. I'm like an onion. An irresistible one.

Chloe: You don't save a marriage by sleeping with other people.
Lucifer: It can't hurt to try.
Chloe: Pretty sure it can.

A Priest Walks Into a Bar[edit]

Linda: Have you ever considered that all of this excessive partying may be your attempt to fill a void?
Lucifer: "Attempt"? I filled five voids last night.
Linda: That's not what I meant.

Lucifer: The most evil of people have the most normal names, I've experienced. Beware anyone named Keith.

Father Frank: We all have demons inside.
Lucifer: My demon tends the bar.

Father Frank: It's okay. I'm not afraid of dying.
Lucifer: Well, you should be. It's really boring where you're going.

Father Frank: We might not always understand it, but God has a plan.
Lucifer: Yes, I know. But why does everybody always think it's a good plan?

Pops[edit]

Dan: Okay, monkey, surprise. You get to eat chocolate cake in bed tonight.
Trixie: Why?
Dan: Does it matter?
Trixie: Nope.

Dan: You don't care who you piss off, do you?
Lucifer: Not in the slightest, no.

Trixie: Is Lucifer here?
Maze: Who are you supposed to be?
Trixie: I'm Trixie, his friend.
Maze: His friends get worse and worse.

Maze: I made a friend today.
Linda: That's fantastic news. Who?
Maze: An eight-year-old girl who wandered into the bar.
Linda: Well... that's a start. Perhaps the next one can be of legal drinking age.

Chloe: I can't believe that I would let myself care for him again. I mean, why? So I get hurt?
Lucifer: Um, no, because you're a kind person who puts the needs of others before your own. It's a horrible irony that my father invented.

St. Lucifer[edit]

Lucifer: I love L.A. Even the homeless have an IMDB page.

Maze: You can't be mad at me forever.
Lucifer: Oh, but I can. It's one of the luxuries of being the Devil.

Chloe: Oh, God, what have I done?
Lucifer: Don't worry, my father's the forgiving sort. Well, except when it comes to me.

Lucifer: I know some folks who moved to Buenos Aires back in the day.
Vanessa Dunlear: Oh. Good people?
Lucifer: Nazis. No extradition treaty in Argentina. Just a nasty bunch of miscreants hiding in plain sight. Gosh, they got away with murder.

Chloe: Only you could turn a tragic death into an excuse to talk about you.
Lucifer: Well, who else would I talk about?

#TeamLucifer[edit]

Chloe: Where have you been?
Lucifer: Ah, you know me—busy, busy, No rest for the wicked.
Chloe: Right. 'Cause deviant foreplay is so time-consuming.
Maze: Want to watch?

Malcolm Graham: Just wanted to do my part for the man of the hour.
Lucifer: It's the wink with the porn stache sending the wrong message, I think.

Chloe: What happened?
Lucifer: Well... where do I begin? With the grandest fall in the history of time? Or perhaps the far more agonizing punishment that followed? To be blamed for every morsel of evil humanity's endured, every atrocity committed in my name? As though I wanted people to suffer. All I ever wanted was to be my own man here. To be judged for my own doing. And for that? I've been shown how truly powerless I am. That even the people trusted--the one person, you--could be used to hurt me.

Maze: Come on, you can't say this isn't the best sex you've ever had. Well, it is the only sex you've ever had, but still.

Lucifer: If that's supposed to be an offering to me, I decline on grounds of salmonella.

Take Me Back To Hell[edit]

Lucifer: So how's this? Step one, travel back in time and not make such a mess of things.
Amenadiel: You know, I'm suddenly reminded of why I wanted you dead in the first place.

Chloe: Just pretend you don't know Lucifer.
Dan: I already like it.

Lucifer: Look, I know you think I'm a bad guy, but I'm simply trying to catch our dear friend Malcolm... so I can tear his arms and legs off.

Lucifer: Don't move or 'wobbly head' gets it.

Lucifer: I don't know if this is all part of the plan. Or if You can even hear me. but if You're up there... Dad... I need a favor. I'll be the son You always wanted me to be. I'll do as You ask. Go where You want me to. I... In exchange, all I ask is... is that you protect Chloe.

Season 2[edit]

Everything's Coming Up Lucifer[edit]

Amenadiel: Luci, you don't think she helped Mom escape, do you?
Lucifer: Well, that doesn't sound like the kind of evil, duplicitous thing a demon would do, now, does it?

Lucifer: There's so much punishment, so little time.

Lucifer: Ah, well, there's no reason to thank me for my heroism. Well, maybe just a little. No one's stopping you.

Lucifer: They had sex. The only trouble was, they were celestial beings, so that moment created the universe.
Linda Martin: Mm, the Big Bang?
Lucifer: Never knew how appropriate the name was until now, did you?

Lucifer: Maze always turns up eventually. She's like a bad penny... in tight leather pants.

Roberta Beliard: She has so much cocaine up her nose, it would snow if you shook her.
Lucifer: Yes, I've tried that.

Liar, Liar, Slutty Dress on Fire[edit]

Charlotte Richards: I apologize for my human form, but... at least this one has supreme hindquarters.
Lucifer: You're lying.
Charlotte: No. They're quite sturdy, feel it.
Lucifer: I wasn't referring, nor will I ever refer, to your butt, Mother.

Charlotte: What happened to your wings, son?
Lucifer: I cut them off.
Charlotte: Why would you… I mean 'come to Earth', 'get a haircut', or something, but that's a little extreme.

Lucifer: You tell me not to ravage suspects in front of you. Now I can't do it behind your back either? I mean, make your mind up, detective?

Maze: You want me to babysit?
Lucifer: Well, "my mum in the body of a disturbingly hot woman"-sit, but yes, for now.

Charlotte: Mazikeen, what is this strange gooey substance that this boy is cooing about?
Maze: You watching porn?

Lucifer: I mean, how far can a celestial being trapped in a feeble human body for the first time get?
Maze: Well, let's see. She's stupid hot, wearing my clothes, and she's got a corporate credit card.
Lucifer: ... Bollocks.

Sin-Eater[edit]

Lucifer: (after a victim's crotch is set on fire) Goodness gracious, great balls of fire.
Chloe: Lucifer.
Lucifer: I mean, I've heard of hot pants, but this really brings new meaning - to the term "fire crotch," doesn't it?
Chloe: Lucifer.
Lucifer: Wait. I have more. Smokey Bobinson. Weekend at Burnie's.
Ella Lopez: His burning bush?
Lucifer: Oh, very good. That was actually me, by the way, so don't tell anyone.

Lucifer: "Judgment day"? People should really be careful how they use that phrase. It isn't actually due for another couple of years.

Charlotte: (about humans) They eat, darling. All they do is eat. And then, afterwards, the food comes out changed, and not for the better.

Chloe: "Do not touch the charred crotch", is a sentence I never thought I'd say out loud.

Lucifer: Oh, goodness me, I should have known. Halitosis--first sign of evil.

Lady Parts[edit]

Maze: And how's that human husband?
Charlotte: I discovered a trick with him. Whenever he asks a question, I have sex with him. Seems to render him mute.
Maze: Hmm. Took me a while to figure that one out.

Chloe: How'd you get in here?
Maze: Let's just say Samantha at the front desk is no longer into men.

Lucifer: Yes, my first startup was a sex club, actually. Little place called "Eden." Perhaps you've heard of it.

Dan: Classic Chloe. Only you would make a point of remembering the exact amount of time you can't remember.

Lucifer: Oh, come on, who doesn't love a sex party? Then again, if you're me, every party's a sex party of sorts.

Lucifer: Oh, gosh, I detest cats. Want an animal to stare at you with contempt? Get a cat. Open a bag of excrement in your house. Cat.

Chloe: You're a very, very deranged person.
Maze: Thanks.

Weaponizer[edit]

Chloe: He had a drug problem, right?
Lucifer: Well, only if you consider ingesting millions of dollars of cocaine a problem. I call it a Tuesday. But apparently it's frowned upon.

Lucifer: Remind me at some point to give you a refresher on the meaning of loyalty.

Amenadiel: It's time that I face the truth, brother. I've fallen.
Lucifer: Well. Welcome to the club. Meetings are on Tuesdays.

Lucifer: For the next day or so, I'm going to need you to be unpredictable. Whatever you normally do, just do the opposite.
Chloe: Too bad. I was totally going to have sex with you today.

Amenadiel: You were gone for a really long time, mom. You might not know your children as well as you think you do.
Charlotte: You may be right. But, at least for now I have you and Lucifer. My brave boys. So, if I'm here on earth two more years or two hours, I will take every moment I can get.

Chloe: So, you used to be married to an action star, only to divorce him and marry another action star?
Jamie Lee Adrienne: Yeah, it was the 90s. We did a lot of coke.

Chloe: We can't control what happens to us only how it affects us and the choices we make.

Monster[edit]

Chloe: You look like hell.
Lucifer: Not heard that before.

Lucifer: Detective, I found you a lead.
Chloe: Where--in her mouth?
Lucifer: Yes, actually. Imagine what I can find in other orifices.

Chloe: Are you drunk?
Lucifer: I wish. Pesky supernatural metabolism keeps getting in the way.

Dr. Martin: If you change your mind, my door is always open.
Lucifer: Well, feel free to shut it.

Chloe: I don't buy it. Every time you say that you don't care or you're evil or you're the devil, I know that's not who you really are.

Chloe: Seriously? A sex swing?
Maze: I know, right? Wanna hop on?

My Little Monkey[edit]

Lucifer: (to Dan) Look, people like you. they find you helpful, like duct tape or a trusty socket wrench. I want you to teach me your secret. I want you to show me how to be a tool.

Chloe: What's the job?
Maze: Preschool aide
Trixie: Do you like little kids?
Maze: I've dealt with filthy screaming humans before. At least these are smaller.

Linda: You're a demon. He told me. I thought it was a sexual metaphor.
Maze: Well, you're not wrong there.

Lucifer: Actually, there is something that's been bugging me, Detective. Do you mind if I play the me's advocate for just a second?

Chloe: What's the job this time?
Maze: Topless maids. But apparently, I still have to do some cleaning. Screw that.

Maze: Come on. Let Mazikeen Smith buy you a drink. Maybe I'll devour your soul or something.

Trip to Stabby Town[edit]

Lucifer: I think I've broken my therapist. And now she's somewhere to the left of totally useless and to the right of babbling lunatic.
Chloe: Oh, so she's you in a skirt.

Ella: Come clean with me. Or I can't keep this a secret anymore.
Lucifer: You see, that's just it. The last person I came clean with became a tad untethered.
Ella: Dude, I grew up in Detroit.

Linda: Oh, my God. I had sex with the Devil.
Lucifer: Many, many times. And you're welcome.

Ella: That's why great ideas come in the shower.
Lucifer: For me, it's usually women.

Ella: Favors are about faith.
Lucifer: Ugh. Please don't ruin favors for me.

Homewrecker[edit]

Lucifer: It's not my home, it never was.
Linda: And neither was Hell.
Lucifer: No. No, that was somewhere I was sent as punishment. Like the DMV, but less screaming.

Dr. Martin: I find that people make Los Angeles their home for one of two reasons: They're running from something, or looking for something.

Chloe: When were you going to mention that you're personally involved in this case?
Lucifer: When you asked me.

Lucifer: Dr. Linda had a crash course on celestial beings. It only melted her brain for about a week.

Lucifer: Doctor, this is my mom in a disturbingly hot body.

Lucifer: Detective, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Chloe: I doubt it.

Quid Pro Ho[edit]

Lucifer: Detective Decker is out there protecting them. She is... truly good. And I don't mean in bed. I wouldn't know. That's how good she is.

Chloe: You've got a lot of nerve.
Charlotte: Yes, I've been told. And legs for days.

Amenadiel: You can't kill her, mom.
Charlotte: Of course I can. I just push the button.

Chloe: I bet you an arm and a leg, mom, that he has no idea what today is.
Lucifer: That's not particularly wise of you to wage your lovely extremities, Detective.

Lucifer: Consider me an emotional jockstrap for the Decker family jewels.

Charlotte: You need to see that you're not meant to be together. You belong with your family.

Cast[edit]

External links[edit]

Wikipedia
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