Major Payne

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Major Payne is a 1995 comedy film, starring Damon Wayans. The film is a loose remake of the 1955 film The Private War of Major Benson, starring Charlton Heston.

Major Payne[edit]

  • Know this; Killing is my business, ladies, and busi..ness is GOOD!
  • [After being discharged from the Marines] It's been two whole weeks since I killed me a man. And already I'm startin' to get the itch. Problem is I got nothin' to scratch. Hungry for action, hungry for blood. Hell, I'm just plain ol' hungry. Feel like I'm gettin' weaker, while Charlie's gettin' stronger in the jungle. Gotta maintaine discipline; gotta keep up my strength! 'Cause the hard reality is, I gotta get a job.
  • From now on, you will not eat, sleep, blow your nose or dig in your butts without my say!
  • From now on, my little group of shaved scrotum sacks, you will walk like me, talk like me, eat like me, and until you win those games, you will be BALD like me.
  • Know this about me, gentlemen! War has made me very paranoid! So when you get to eyeballing me, it makes my Agent Orange act up; makes me want to kill. DO NOT aggravate my condition!
  • You'll get no sympathy from me! You want sympathy, look in the dictionary between shit, and syphilis! Thats where you'll find my sympathy!
  • ONE..don't you feel dumb. TWO..look at you! THREE..don't you ever make jokes about me behind my back or else I'll stomp you in the ground!
  • You're still a shit sandwich... you're just not a soggy one. I will no longer refer to you as turds. From this day forward, you will be called maggots!
  • [To the squad, while watching them all run wearing dresses] I tell you, ladies; you're the prettiest unit ever under my command! Gonna have to change my name to Pimp-Daddy Payne! A-hee hee hee!
  • [to Emily] Pop your titties out of his mouth, and stop babying him!
  • [confronting a blind kid with his dog] You know there ain't no pets allowed on this here premises, Mr. Ace Ventura.
  • Hey Corporal. [Tiger steps out in front and faces Payne, his adopted father] Go tell Ma to get my field knife.


[Marine has been wounded]
Marine Private: AHHHH my arm, my arm!
Major Payne: Want me to show you a little trick to take your mind off that arm?
[Marine nods and Payne grabs the private's pinky finger]
Major Payne: Now you might feel a little pressure.
[Major Payne breaks the Marine's pinky]
Marine Private: AUGGGGH! My finger, my finger!
Major Payne: Works every time.

[Major Payne has captured a South American drug lord and is holding a gun to his head. Drug lord's underlings all point their weapons at Major Payne]
Drug Lord{laughing}: You'd better give up, señor. You cannot kill us all!
[Major Payne grabs drug lord's pistol with his other hand and points it at the butt of one of the underlings]
Major Payne: Maybe not, but I can clean out your colon faster than one of those burritos with extra gucamole sauce!
[The entire drug cartel surrenders to Major Payne]

Major Payne: General, are you telling me that nowhere in the military is there any longer a job for trained human weapons of destruction such as myself? Surely there must be SOMEBODY left who needs some killing, or some killing done for them.
General: Sorry, Major. There's nobody left. You've killed them all.

Major Payne:[Addressing the Madison Cadets] My name is Major Benson Winifred Payne. As of 0800, I am replacing Major Frankfurt as your commanding officer.
Cadets: Boo. Booooooooo!
[Payne has fired rounds from his pistol that gets the cadets' attention.]
Major Payne:[Lowering his pistol] I see what we have here is a failure to communicate. Do not attempt to valid my authority! I have 8 weeks to turn you gaggling maggots into a well-discipline unit. From this day forward, your sorry asses belong to me. You will not eat, sleep, drink, blow your nose or dig in your butts without my say so. Know this, killing is my business, ladies, and business is good!

[The entire students of Madison Preparatory School are seen laughing at the Madison Corps running in dresses as a form of punishment for trying to get him fired.]
Major Payne: Got no worries, got no stress.
Cadets: Got no worries got no stress.
Major Payne: Cause we feel good in our dress.
Cadets: Cause we feel good in our dress.
Major Payne: Major Payne's a major pimp.
Cadets: Major Payne's a major pimp.
Major Payne: He makes us squat when we piss.
Cadets: He makes us squat when we piss.

[Tiger is convinced the Boogeyman is hiding in his closet]
Major Payne: [Facing closet] He in there? [Tiger nods; Payne unloads several rounds into the closet] If he's still in there he ain't happy!
[Tiger excitedly runs out into the hallway and looks at Emily]
Tiger: Major Payne just terminated that Bad man with extreme prejudice! And if he's still in there, he ain't happy!

Emily: He's trying to show you some affection.
Major Payne: I don't like it. It makes me feel all funny.

Major Payne: Here I got somethin' for ya. [puts a piece of metal in Emily's hand]
Emily: What is it?
Major Payne: A bullet. It's somethin' special. It's from my heart.
Emily: Really? Well, where did you get it?
Major Payne: From my heart, left ventricle; took it out myself with a field knife.

[the entire Madison Squad is collected after their brawl with Wellington and former Madison cadet, Dotson, whom D knock out cold as retribution to injuring Alex.]
Lt. Col. at the Games: This is unsatisfactory. I demand the entire Madison Squad be disqualified from the final competition.
Col. Braggart: Lieutenant, I can only disqualify the cadet who started the disturbance.
Lt. Col. at the Games: That's not enough. Look at them, these animals are so pathetic that even their own commander didn't even show up.
[Just then Major Payne arrives on the scene]
Major Payne: Ain't no need for name calling.
[Stone and D look at Major Payne. Emily walks out of the Madison tent as he walks over to the stand to be with the Madison Cadets]
Col. Braggart: Major Payne, what are you doing here? I was told you were away on an important assignment.
Major Payne: What could be more important than having my boys winning this here competition? I suggest we get this party started. Is that OK with you Col.?
Col. Braggart: Cadets I'm pleased to announce the top two rated squads that will compete for first and second place in the Parade Drill Competition. Wellington Academy and Madison Academy.
[The Lt. Col. put his hands in his face in embarrassment, as he has hope to have disqualified Madison for the brawl with Wellington]


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