Malcolm in the Middle

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Malcolm in the Middle is an American sitcom shown on Fox from January 9, 2000 to May 14, 2006. The series was created by Linwood Boomer and starred Frankie Muniz as the titular character Malcolm. And is filmed by Satin City Regency Television and Fox Television Studios and sometimes on television 20th Television.


Season 1[edit]

Pilot [1.1][edit]

Malcolm: You want to know the best part about childhood? At some point, it stops.

Lois: Every day is a lottery and first prize is that you don't have to scoot yourself around town on a skateboard with your hands

Lois: Hey, Francis, how's school?
Francis: Oh, couldn't be better, Mom. My new roommate showed me how to kill mice with a hammer yesterday. So, you know, between that and the general atmosphere of simmering homo-eroticism, I think I'm really starting to turn around.
[Lois soon smells cigarette smoke from Francis' side of the phone and realizes he is smoking again]

Red Dress [1.2][edit]

[Lois appears holding a charred red dress.]
Lois: Fire? Fire? Fire?
Malcolm: Mom, what?
Lois: This is the most stupid, irresponsible, dangerous thing you have ever done! Is this what you want? Will we have to identify your charred little bodies through their dental records? I want a straight answer! Who did this?
Reese: Malcolm did it!
Malcolm: Reese did it!
Reese: I didn't do it!
Malcolm: I didn't do it!
Dewey: We're going to the dentist?

Lois: [sits with Malcolm on the dinner table while she hands him a can] Go ahead. It's a name brand. [opens the can, then Malcolm drinks it] I know you didn't do this. You're a good boy. But I want you to help me with this. This is serious. One of your brothers could've burned the house down. [shows Reese, but at a different time] And for that he will be severely punished. But the one who helps me will be a happy, little boy. [shows Dewey, also at a different time] And I want that to be you. [back to Malcolm] Because you always been the best one. [back to Reese] You've always been the best one. [back to Dewey] You have always been the best one.
Malcolm: Mom, honestly, I don't know.
Reese: [different time] I don't know.
Dewey: [different time] Don't know.

Home Alone 4 [1.3][edit]

Lois: Hi! We're just calling to check in. Let me speak with Francis.
Dewey: He' the bathroom.
Lois: Oh. Well, let me talk to Malcolm.
Dewey: He' the bathroom.
Lois: They're both in the bathroom? What are they doing in there?
Dewey: I have to go to the bathroom. [hangs up]

[After cleaning up the house]
Reese: It's never been this clean before.
Malcolm: Uh-oh. It's too clean.
Francis: You're right. She'll never buy it.
[The boys start messing up the house]

Reese: Cool, let's go tell him.
Malcolm: No. You know how Francis gets when people tell him what to do.
[Flashback, while Francis is at home and Lois is preparing dinner]
Lois: I am warning you, if you get your nose pierced, you are going to military school and I mean it really. do you hear me.
[Francis smiles in defiance. He soon comes home with his nose pierced.]
Francis: Hey mom, what's for dinner?
[Flashback ends and Reese realises the full extent of Malcolm's warning]'
Reese: right.

Shame [1.4][edit]

Malcolm: What do you mean he's only seven?!
Nurse: What's not to understand? He just turned seven. I guess you were too busy beating people to notice!
Malcolm: He CAN'T be seven. He's bigger than I am!
Nurse: He's in second grade! [cleaning up Kevin] Look at all this blood...
Malcolm: That's not blood, it's pizza sauce! Well that's blood, but...
[Caroline Miller enters the nurse's office]
Caroline: Oh my God... OH MY GOD! What happened?
Kevin: [bawling] I want my Teletubby!
Malcolm: A doll?! You can't play with dolls if you're seven... WHY ARE YOU SEVEN?!
Caroline: You beat up a seven-year-old?
Malcolm: I didn't know!
Caroline: Malcolm, I don't blame you. I put this squarely where it belongs... [close to tears] On me!
Malcolm: [to camera] Oh, man. This is the most horrible thing I've ever done! [to Kevin] Kevin, I'm sorry!
Nurse: I think you've done quite enough.
Kevin: This is the worst birthday ever!

Malcolm: I can't stop thinking about what I did to Kevin. I feel like crap, and no one understands. Even you--you're supposed to be my friend and you don't even care.
Stevie: And keep...talking.

Malcolm Babysits [1.5][edit]

Hal: Look at that sky, Malcolm. Just think. Somewhere out there, all those stars and planets, there might be at this very moment a space dad who just got kicked out of his space trailer, who's looking down on us. Or would it be up at us? Or maybe sideways?
Malcolm: Trust me, Dad, they're all looking down on us.

Dewey: Mom, can I have a story?
Lois: Once upon a time, there was a little boy that made his mom so crazy she decided to sell him to a circus.
Dewey: An evil circus?
Lois: No, a nice one with monkeys.
Dewey: Thank you.

Sleepover [1.6][edit]

Malcolm: Someone stole my friend's wheelchair.
Security Guard: What's it look like?
Malcolm: It's a chair... with wheels.

[Francis is hanging upside down]
Stevenson: You are hanging over a bottomless pit. In five seconds, I will cut the rope. Are you scared now?
Francis: I'm really not. No.
Stevenson: [dropping the executioner's hood] Why not? This stuff is way scary.
Francis: I'm sorry, but this feels so amateurish. I mean I know you guys are trying, but I've been tormented by the best. Let me tell you a little bit about the master.
[Flashbacks occurs with Lois embarrassing a child Francis by yelling at the referee for a traveling foul. Then, it switches to a teenage Francis being more embarrassed by Lois as she shows his girlfriend his baby pictures in the photo album. Finally it switches to Lois in the boys locker room at Marlin Academy.]
Lois: [Yelling at Francis after he got out of the shower in a towel] It's an 8 inch scratch on the car, Francis. Do you know how much it's gonna cost to fix? If you think you are ever, ever, borrowing my car again, you are sadly mistaken. And I saw that tattoo, Jimmy. I'm telling your mother.
Francis: [flashback ends] And that's the stuff I didn't block out.
[The cult realizes the scare tactic wasn't working and decides to try something new. They replace the photo of a tormented man with a photo of Lois.]

Francis Escapes [1.7][edit]

Lois: All right, I've had it! You two are banned from Nintendo.
Reese: OK! We're already banned from Nintendo.
Malcolm: [to audience] The sad thing is, he thinks he's outsmarted her.

Lois: Fate is just what you call it when you don't know the name of the person screwing you over.

[After finding out Francis escaped]
Malcolm: Mom, I think he's okay. [Lois looks up, Malcolm turns to the camera] Uh-oh, tactical error.
Hal: What do you mean?
Malcolm: I mean, he's always okay.
Hal: Malcolm, I know you like Francis as much as we do, so if you have any idea...
Lois: Oh, for God's sake. [to Malcolm] WHERE IS HE!!!
Malcolm: He came here to see Beebee. He's meeting her tonight. [to the camera] Oh my God, how did she do that?
Lois: I knew it. When did you talk to him?
Malcolm: Don't look at her eyes. Don't look at her... [Lois grabs Malcolm's head to face towards her] This morning and Dewey shoved a sandwich in the VCR.

Krelboyne Picnic [1.8][edit]

Reese: Hey, what am I thinking right now?
Malcolm: I'm smart, I'm not a psychic.
Dewey: Can you understand what dogs are saying?
Malcolm: No.
Dewey: I can.

Malcolm: [about Malcolm's class picnic] There won't be any meat. They all decided they didn't want to eat anything that has a mother.
Dewey: Cousin Nancy doesn't have a mother.
Lois: That's right. She has two daddies.
Reese: Two guys as your parents? That house has to be a dude's paradise.

Lois vs. Evil [1.9][edit]

[Hal comes home to see Reese and Malcolm kneeling with their noses against a door.]
Hal: Oh, hello, boys. How long are you in for?
Reese: Another hour.
Hal: Yeaow.

Lois: Don't touch the microphone, price tags candy. [Realizes something is amiss] Steam Cleaner.
[Runs back to the front of the store to bust Malcolm and Reese playing with the steam cleaner and are both covered in soap.]
Lois:[angry] BOYS!!!!
Malcolm: It's not what it looks like.

Malcolm: It's been ten days since Mom lost her job.

Lois:[Confronting Mr. Pinter] Yes, I guess we do. For instance, I think it's wrong for you to put your name in sales reports you didn't write. I think it's wrong you keep a bag of herbs in your bottom left drawer. I think it's wrong you slept with the district manager's wife.[Mr. Pinter is concerned when Lois mentioned his affair with their boss' wife.] And you want to know something, you don't even have to worry about it because I think it's wrong to blab this kind of thing. You know you should be glad that I'm the only one who knows this stuff about you. Anyone else here would sell you down the river in a second. God, I'm so much better than you.
[Lois walks away and Mr. Pinter thinks he is safe since she is the only one who knows his secret. He then catches the attention of Craig and the other employees who had heard in on the conversation. Their grins implies they intend to tell the district manager of his affair with his wife and including his horrible mistreatment towards Lois. Mr. Pinter turns around and quits.]

Stock Car Races [1.10][edit]

[Malcolm and Reese are watching cartoons; Dewey gets in front of the TV]
Reese: What are you looking at, monkey boy?
Dewey: [hits himself] Ow! Ow! Ow! Reese!
Reese: What are you doing?
Dewey: [continues hitting himself] Ow! Help! Ow! Mom, help!
Reese: Cut it out!
Dewey: Ow! Ow! It hurts! Ow!
Reese: Knock it off, you little...
Lois: [from the other room] REESE!! [approaches them] What the heck are you doing? Honest to God, you can't leave him alone for 5 minutes without picking on him!
Reese: I didn't do anything!
Lois: No!
Reese: He was lying!
[Dewey takes Reese's spot]
Malcolm: [to the camera] I gave him that.

Lois: Malcolm, what is all that stuff from your teacher? That woman sends home two or three fliers every day.
Malcolm: She says she wants the parents to be involved as possible with the children.
Lois: At school? It's the only break I get!

Funeral [1.11][edit]

Malcolm: I think is time to move to plan B: lying.
[Scene switches to the kitchen]
Lois: What book report?
Malcolm: I just remembered. I have a big book report due tomorrow, and I haven't even started reading it. [to the camera] Standard technique. You volunteer a small crime to distract them from looking for the big one.
Lois: So what's the report on?
Malcolm: A Tale of Two Cities.
Lois: Oh, how many words?
Malcolm: 750.
Lois: Was that on your assignment sheet?
Malcolm: No, it's an addendum.
Lois: When did you get that?
Malcolm: Thursday. I didn't bring it home. That's why I forgot to do the assignment. [to the camera] Oh, nice one.
Lois: Well, I suppose that if it's school work.
Malcolm: [to the camera] That's the mislead. Wait for the reverse.
Lois: A Tale of Two Cities. Who's that by?
Malcolm: Charles Dickens.
Lois: Oh, I thought it was Victor Hugo.
Malcolm: No, it's Dickens.
Lois: Is that the one with Jean Valjean?
Malcolm: That's Les Miserables.
Lois: No, no. Isn't A Tale of Two Cities the one with Jean Valjean, where he says: "It's a far, far, better thing I do..." right before he steals the loaf of bread?
Malcolm: No. Sidney Carton says that before they behead him.
Lois: I thought you hadn't read it.
Malcolm: What? No, I said I hadn't written it.
Lois: And when is it due?
Malcolm: Tomorrow, I told you.
Lois: On Les Miserables?
Malcolm: Yes. No. A Tale of Two Cities.
Lois: Which you haven't read yet.
Malcolm: Right.
Lois: But you just said you did.
Malcolm: No. I-I said I didn't... and then you said... it was Thursday, and... [shouting angrily] Look, I just don't want to go to this stupid funeral!

Malcolm: Mom, I can't wear Reese's hand-me-downs. Look at this, Jell-o in the pockets, the fly's broken, and it smells like wet dog.
Lois: You should be glad he only wore it the one time.

Malcolm:[On the phone with Francis] Then, she slid in the trash and ran off. I swear this family is falling apart.
Francis:[Elated] Yes! I knew this moment would come. They don't have their "scapegoat" around so everything goes to hell.
[Malcolm gets an idea forming in his head.]
Francis: No one realizes that I was the one who held this family together. Without me to blame everything on, they doesn't know what to do with themselves.
Malcolm: A scapegoat, thanks. [He quickly hangs up and faces the screen] He's right. This family needs a scapegoat. I started this, so I should be the one to end it.

[Lois had just gotten wind of Reese breaking Dewey's birthday present, thank to Malcolm taking the backpack and revealing the crushed Mighty Man toy as proof of his older brother's wrongdoing.]
Lois: Oh my God! Was this Dewey's present?
Dewey: Present?
Lois: Reese, how could you? Do you know how expensive this was? HAL!
Hal: I'm on it. [standing up and taking Reese's hockey stick] That was a terrible thing to do to your little brother.
Malcolm:[smug] There's more. He was going to bury it with Aunt Helen.
[Lois and Hal are further disgusted with Reese.]
Hal: You were going to make Aunt Helen spend eternity with a crushed Mighty Man.
Dewey: Mighty Man?!
Lois: I can't believe you.
Hal: This is a whole new low, Reese.
Reese:[Attempts to stand up, but Hal and Lois forces him back on the couch] First of all, this is all circumstantial. I don't know how that thing got in my backpack. And as for this Aunt Helen business, no one knows what I would've done at that funeral because we're not going.
Lois:[convinced] Who says "we're" not going.
Reese: You did!
Lois: Well you can guess again. You're going to march up to that coffin and apologize to that poor dead woman. We all are!

Lois:[At Aunt Helen's funeral] Yeah Francis, your father's giving out a speech and it's actually kind of good.
Lawyer: Can I have my phone back?
Lois: I'm almost done, sweetie. [continues talking to Francis] Oh Aunt Helen looks just lovely.
[Reese is seen with his back turned facing the corner and his nose to the wall as his punishment for breaking Dewey's birthday present as well as his intentions to stash the remains in Aunt Helen's coffin. He turns around thinking Lois hasn't seen him. Unfortunately, she busted him doing so and is angry at him.]
Lois:[yelling at Reese] YOU TURN RIGHT BACK AROUND, MISTER!!!
[Everyone else is shocked as Reese in fear turns around to face the wall.]
Lois:[to Francis] You'll never guess what Reese did.

Cheerleader [1.12][edit]

Malcolm: Listen to the words: good, boy, cheerleader. Quit while you still have some dignity.
Reese: Oh, and let her think I'm a quitter.
Malcolm: You can't even remember a simple six-step routine.
Reese: There's six steps?
Malcolm: Yes. It's just right-left-right-left-reverse-pose.
Reese: You remember that by just watching?
Malcolm: You guys did it like ten times!
Reese: So, you know my routine?
Malcolm: It's not that hard.
Reese: But... you know my routine.
Malcolm: Yes, I do. Look, I know where this is going...
Reese: No, you don't. You're going to help me.
Malcolm: That is where I was going.
Reese: Oh, good. Let's get started.
Malcolm: No! Don't you know how embarrassing this is?
Reese: I know what's more embarrassing.
Malcolm: What?
Reese: Getting beaten to a coma by a good boy cheerleader.

Hal: Now, I want to tell you what happens when a boy really, really likes a girl. And Dewey, I'll make this easy for you to understand. [looks around for toys and grabs a robot and a girl doll]
Malcolm: [to the camera] Oh, man! I still play with that.
Hal: You see, there's a certain thing that happens between normal healthy people. It's called chemistry. [accidentally fires toy gun from the robot] Well, that doesn't happen, except maybe the first time. But what does happen is this. [imitates robot] "I like you!" [imitates girl doll] "I like you, too!" [back to normal voice] ... and if they love each other and take their proper precautions, they'll have sex, but I've told you that already.
Dewey: [smiling] Not me.
Hal: Well, ask your brothers.
[Malcolm & Reese give disgusted looks]
Hal: If the boy is from our family, it goes a little more like this... "I like you." "I HATE you!" "Now, I LOVE you!" "LEAVE ME ALONE! Your insane neediness is driving me away!" "Look at me! Look at me, I'm crazy! Pay attention to me! I'm an idiot, watch me crash and burn! Woop-woop-woop, whoo!"

Rollerskates [1.13][edit]

[Reese is seen rollerblading through the house and sitting on the couch]
Lois: Wait a minute...somebody stepped in something...oh my God...oh my God! What a mess! Reese, what did you roll in?
Reese: Aw, man! [After inspecting the wheels of his skate, he begins wiping it off on the corner of the table]
[Lois opens her mouth to scream]
[Lois emits a pained squeak]
Hal: You have to admit, it is kind of funny. Yelling so loud you actually throw out your back?

Lois:[Yelling at Reese while in bed] Are you happy you crippled your mother? Are you!

Lois: [Busting Reese on the intercom] What are you doing!
Reese: Nothing.
Lois: Get a glass.
[Reese tries to ignore Lois by trying to drink from the milk carton again]
Lois: Don't you dare! When I'm well, I'm going to beat you blue, mister. Get a glass!!!
Reese: All right! Okay!!!
Dewey: Can I have some milk?
Lois: Yes... but get a glass!
Dewey: Okay.

Reese: I can not believe you said that to dad. Oh by the way if you pass Francis on your way to Siberia, tell him I said hi.
Malcolm: Do you think he told mom?
Reese: I wouldn't worry about that. Mom's feeling a lot better. Dr. Reese paid her a visit.
Malcolm: What are you talking about?
Reese:[talking about Hal's failure to slip Lois pain medication] Let's just say pills and sandwich, not effective. Pills and milk, effective.

The Bots and the Bees [1.14][edit]

Hal: [answering the phone] Hello! Oh, hi, Mr. Jackson. Well, yes, I do have a very good reason for not going in to work today. Well, how about this? I didn't come to work because somehow I felt that eight hours of joyless, mind-numbing crap just didn't seem like fun. Well, I guess we're just going to have to agree to disagree. [hangs up; rips the phone from wall]

Spangler: Hello!
Lois: Who are you?
Spangler: Edwin Spangler. I am Commandant of Marlin Academy.
Lois: Good for you. Where's your eye?
Spangler: Pardon?
Lois: Do your ears work? Do you have some business with my son? He needs to rest.
Spangler: Well, I stopped by to pick up your boy's homework.
Lois: Homework?! You're not giving him homework. My son nearly lost his life - something that never would have happened if you'd taken proper care of him in the first place.
Spangler: Well, I assure you, ma'am, had it not been for Francis' long history of crying wolf...
Lois: Crying wolf? You listen to me, you idiot! My child is sick. He does not need you marching in here, puffing up your little chest, and making his life more miserable than it already is. Why don't you just go play "army man" somewhere else?
Spangler: [walking away] God, she is magnificent.

Smunday [1.15][edit]

Reese: I'm really adopted, aren't I?
Lois: No, you're ours, and we love you.
Reese: Damn!
[Malcolm quickly comes up with a good question to ask Lois.]
Malcolm: How did you Dewey's bike wasn't really stolen?
Reese: That is a good question.
Lois: Francis told me.

Malcolm: They have a fake letter. I knew Francis wouldn't leave us alone without getting something, and I knew you'd give it away. I knew exactly what everyone would do.
Reese: So where's the real letter?
Malcolm: I had to think of the one place they'd never think of looking. I had to give it to the one person they'd never think I'd give it to. I did the most brilliant thing of all: I gave it to Dewey.
Dewey: And I hid it under Mom's pillow.
Malcolm: You WHAT?!
[A sick Lois is seen sitting up on her bed. She is shocked by the contents of the letter detailing Francis' prank to both a prestige university and Marlin Academy.]

[A sick Lois realizes today is Monday and angered by Francis' behavior that she ignores punishing the boys for missing school.]
Lois: I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill him.
Reese: OOOOOHH, this is all a dream.
Lois:[angry] OH SHUT UP, REESE!
Malcolm: Mom, stop it. You're sick!
Lois: I'm too mad to be sick. You know, he's finally done it this time. [searches in a drawer] Where is the brochure for that work farm in Arizona? [Lois finds the brochure for a work farm in Arizona, which makes the boys worried] He thinks military school is hard. Just Wait... Wait... wait. wait. wait...
[She runs to the bathroom to throw up]

Malcolm: You know, Francis, we never actually intended to show that letter to Mom. We were just trying to scare you.
Francis: I know, you guys would never do that to me.
Malcolm: But if she did see the letter, you know it was an accident, right?
Francis: Yeah, but Richie has the letter. Please tell me Richie has the letter.
Malcolm: Richie has coupons. Mom has the letter. But like I said, it was just an accident. I swear.
Francis: So the thing you were threatening to do all day but had no intention of doing you did, but didn't mean to?
Malcolm: Yeah. You can yell at us now.
Francis: No, I guess I deserved it. I shouldn't ratted on you. Mom was pressuring me and I folded. She told me if I wanted to come home for the summer I had to tell her about the bike.

Water Park [1.16][edit]

Hal: [bursts into the room] Who wants to make five bucks?
Malcolm: How?
Hal: I need someone to take the fall.
Lois: [from downstairs] Oh, my God...
Malcolm: What did you do?
Hal: I can't tell you. Yes or no? No questions asked.
Lois: Oh, my God!
Malcolm: Make it ten.
Hal: Done.
Lois: Oh, my God!
Hal: [whispers] You're a good son. [drags Malcolm out by his collar] I got him, honey! I got him, don't worry!

Malcolm: Ever since I can remember, we've always had trouble with baby-sitters.
Baby-sitter A: [cooing] Hello! Goochy, goochy, goochy, goo. Goochy, goochy— [screams as her finger is bitten]
Baby-sitter B: I don't know, sweetie; what do you have behind your back? [screams, running from the house]
Baby-sitter C: [locked in the closet by Malcolm and Reese] You little losers, I've had enough of this! You open this door right now! Look, I'm a little claustrophobic, okay? Just open the door! Let me out! Come on!
[back to the present]
Malcolm: I don't know. I'm starting to think it might be us.

Lois: Do you think we're wealthy?! Wealthy people drive fancy cars. They have fresh pasta. Do we do any of those things?! NO! Wealthy people can afford any of their vacations ruined, no big deal. They just pick up and go again. Your father and I worked so hard, so long. What is wrong with you two?! Are you aborigines?! Every time I turn around, I hear someone screaming and fighting. And I pray to God that's someone else's children, but it's not, it's always you! Sane children would appreciate this. Are you even thinking? No, you're always at each other like a couple of rabid monkeys. It is not enough you two do this every day, but you have to make me suffer. Well, so help me....
[Comes to the realization that Reese and Malcolm are up to something.]
Lois: Don't you dare!
[Malcolm pushes Lois down the slide by the finger and she screams.]
Attendant: Arms and legs crossed at all times.
Reese: That's the bravest thing I've ever seen you do.
Malcolm: Yeah.
Reese: You're gonna die.
Malcolm: I know. So, you think she's gonna be okay?
[Lois pulls the two of them down the slide as well. As they're going down the slide, Lois continues to berate the boys for their behavior.]
Lois: This is the last time I'm taking you boys anywhere.
[Lois, Malcolm and Reese emerge from the slide, splashing everyone including Hal.]

Season 2[edit]

Traffic Jam [2.1][edit]

[outside the water park known as Wavetown USA's front lot]
Malcolm:[first line] Ok, here's the thing about my family: we don't go on a lot of outings together. But when we do, there's a little tradition that we always end up observing.
Hal:[talking to the security guard] When you say lifetime ban, I mean who's lifetime that you're talking about.
[Lois drags Malcolm and Reese by the ear while the security guard sends Hal on his way out to the parking lot for the rule violations the family has incurred. This includes Hal and Lois sneaking alcohol into the park in the guise of a suntan lotion, along with the boys fighting]
Lois:[punishing Malcolm and Reese] Don't you ever ask me for anything ever again. I should've just given birth to chimps, then at least I know to expect this kind of behavior.
Malcolm: Believe it or not, I actually envy Dewey. He got to stay home and play with the babysitter.
[Lois continues dragging Malcolm along with Reese to the family car.]

[Reese is arguing with the driver of an ice cream truck who refuses to sell ice cream in the middle of traffic]
Reese: This is just wrong! You can make money and please children! This is a senseless act! You are evil! Pure evil!
Ice cream truck driver: Heh! If you kids are not willing to discuss this sensibly...
[The driver shuts himself in the truck]
Reese: You sonuva!
Malcolm: Look, there's nothing you can do!
Reese: Yes, there is! I can... I can...
[Screaming, Reese runs forward and head-butts the side of the truck, then staggers back in pain]
Jessica: And the Nobel Prize goes to...
Malcolm: Hey, you're talking about my brother! Good one.

[Francis attempts to eat 100 marshmallow "quacks"]
Cadets: 61! 62! 63!... [horrified] 62... 61... [enthusiastic] 62! 63! 64!

Dewey: What time is it?
Lady: It's still 4:00. You have to wait at least a minute for the time to change, dear.
Dewey: What time is it in China?
Lady: Well, sweetie, I think they're a good 20 hou...
Dewey: Do you speak Chinese?
Lady: Well, no...I bet...
Dewey: Is Chinatown in China?
Lady: Honey...if you want an answer to a question, you have to first wait...
Dewey: (plays with his feet) What does this toe do?
Lady: You know what, I think I need a pack of cigarettes...for the first time in 20 years.

Dewey [singing]: A-B-C-D. A-B-C-D. A-B-C-D.
Lady: Honey, it's A-B-C-D E.
Dewey: I know. [singing again] A-B-C-D. A-B-C-D.

Lois: Whose damn dog is this!!! I SAID, WHOSE DAMN DOG IS THIS!!! (tries to open the truck door but is locked) Trapped inside, and all the windows rolled and it's 90 DEGREES OUT HERE!!! (no one responds) Okay! Okay! It's nobody's damn dog. So, I guess nobody's gonna mind... (picks up a rock) ... if I just do this. (smashes the window and peeks in and talks to dog) Oh, don't be scared, little doggy. Oh, everything is gonna be... (dog snarls and goes after Lois; Lois' face turns to fear as she takes off)

Lois: OK, let me get this straight -- we've been waiting all afternoon for a crane, and now, the crane is here!
Construction Worker: That's right.
Lois: And the man who works the crane? He's here, too!
Construction Worker: That's right.

Malcolm: What's the point of being out here?
Reese: So you can find stuff like this. (picks up a dirty sock) Hehe, smells like gasoline.

Hal: Oh, flashing the brights. It's gonna be like that, huh? [Puts both feet on the brake of the van to frustrate the silver Volvo.]
Lois: Oh good lord Hal, he could have a gun. Just pull over and let him pass.

Hal: All right, silver Toyota, you win this round. (lets the Toyota pass him by) Haha, get there two seconds sooner!! It's just an accident waiting to happen.
(The car wrecks into a truck and everyone screams, Hal slams on his brakes)

Ice Cream Man [to Reese]: That will teach you to mess with me. I was a surgeon in my country.

Lois: MALCOLM!! REESE!!! MOVE!!!!!

Lois: Dewey. Where's the baby-sitter?
Dewey: She's ran away.
Lois: You got rid of another baby-sitter? I can't believe you boys.

Hal:[being administered a DUI test by a highway officer] Z. Y. X. W...

Francis: OK let me tell you something. If I say I could eat a 100 Quacks, you could take that as a bonafide guarantee. And there's no need to resort to personal attacks, I would hate to raise the issue of you wearing BOXERS in the SHOWER!

"Halloween Approximately" [2.2][edit]

[Malcolm and Reese take turns eating expired food from the refrigerator]
Malcolm: When was the last Christmas we had eggnog?
Reese: I think before Dewey.
[The carton hisses ominously as it is opened]
Malcolm: It's all you, man.
[Reese chugs the eggnog and begins gagging loudly]
Malcolm: [aside] This is a game that has no winners.

Reese: WE OWN YOU ALL! No one is safe. We are the kings of this block. Did you hear me, world?!

Francis: Guys, Halloween isn't a date on the calender.
Reese: Yeah' it is. It's the 31st.
Francis: No. Halloween is in your hearts. Every time a little kid cries in fear, that is Halloween. Every time something repulsive ends up in a mailbox, that is Halloween. As long as you carry the spirit of destruction and vandalism in your heats, every day is Halloween!
Reese: No, look! It is the 31st!

The Boys: Diaper! Diaper! Diaper! Diaper! Diaper! (they throw it and watch with excited faces, then they later change to a disgusted one)
Francis: Well, let's not do any of those again.

Malcolm: Imagine if this was to fall into the wrong hands.
Dewey: I see an old lady!!

"Lois' Birthday" [2.3][edit]

Reese: We've established that, we're just going in circles here!

Reese: This isn't fair. Mom should have never taken us to a store that sells candy. She set us up!

Boy [to Lois]: Hey, lady, are you going to hog that cage all day?
Lois: (inside a batting cage) I got news for you, kid. I'm a grown-up with a credit card and no curfew. I could stay here all week if I want.

Reese: I'm lost. (Francis punches Reese) OW!
Francis: That's how Mom feels... on the inside.

(After Francis keeps talking to another girl)
Amaani: You're wasting your time. She doesn't speak English.
Francis: Oh.
Amaani: Which is just as well, because if she understood the crap you were feeding her, she'd laugh in your face.

Francis: I have my own problems. I have to go to a kegger, party with my friends, and make out with an African goddess with this hanging over my head. Come on, Amanni.

"Dinner Out" [2.4][edit]

Francis: Hey I promised you girls! Not quality girls.
Francis: Well gentlemen, I've had enough experience with debacles to know when to cut your losses.

Abe: Sorry we're late, some jackass parked in the handicapped spot.
Hal (nervous and embarrassed): Uhh... excuse me, I think I left something in the car.

Lois: It was Kitty Kenarban, she invited a dinner.
Hal: Good for you.
Lois: I am talking about everyone. It will be nice to dinner out with decent people. I wonder why people never invite us to dinner
Hal: I think I see a couple of hungry seals!
(The boys act like seals while Hal throws the spaghetti in their mouths)

Francis: (knocking on Spangler's door) Sir?
Spangler: Go away! I told you I did not want to be disturbed. My aunt and I are... catching up.
Francis: I... I thought you said it was your mother, sir.
(Long pause)
Spangler: Go away!

Hal [to Lois]: Okay, here's the plan if we want to ditch out of this thing. At the beginning, I'll say that I think I might be coming down with something...
Lois: Hal, I don't want to ditch out of this. I'm looking forward to it. The Kenarbans are nice people, and they want to be friends with us.
Hal: So, you're saying I'm on my own here?

Lois [to the boys]: Now, remember, no throwing ice, no flicking butter at the ceiling, no sticking gum under the table, and no eating gum already stuck under the table!

Spangler (referring to the damage the local girls wrought): I'd say we got off lucky. This happened once before in '72; we had to bulldoze the Ampitheater.

Abe: [Kitty] won't let me have butter on my bread. Butter. I haven't eaten the stuff in ten years.
Hal: How'd this happen? I mean, we weren't always this way.
Abe: Actually, I was. Classic story: raised by a grandmother and four spinster aunts. I used to wash their hair on Saturday nights.
Hal: Poor bastard. You never had a chance.
Abe: Damn it. Enough is enough! (gobbles down miniature slabs of butter and drinks a shot)
Hal: You go, Abe!

Spangler: Local girls?! There are local girls inside the perimeter?! Have they killed anyone?[...] Do you have any idea what you've done?! Marlin Academy cannot exist without the support, the goodwill and co-operation of the local community! The Police Chief and the Mayor both sit on our Board of Governers, the Fire Chief is a regent...and right now, their psychotic offspring are in there tearing up the floorboards! It won't be long before they're in the air ducts...!
Francis: What are we gonna do, sir?
Spangler: We are going to do what any self-respecting member of society does in a situation like this: we're going to keep it quiet.
Joe: But they're destroying the school.
Spangler: Let's hope that's all they do, cadet. I'm afraid this is like an oil fire -- we have to let it burn itself out.
Francis: Oh, yeah, I forgot. One of them started an oil fire.

Stevie [to Reese]: Crying on command got me a cable modem!

[After Stevie punches Reese]
Kitty: Stevie, what the hell do you think you're doing?! You are in so much trouble! This behavior is totally unacceptable! We are at a restaurant. What is wrong with you? (Stevie is about to speak) Don't you take that tone with me! You just wait till we get home!
Reese: He bruised the bone.
Lois: Oh, like you didn't deserve it. (to Kitty) Good for you! I knew you had it in you.
Kitty: Shut your trap!
Waiter: Excuse me, don't you mind please keeping it down?
Kitty: Would you mind going to hell?! And I absolutely did order tea! How hard is it to remember a stupid drink order, you idiot?!
Abe [drunk]: Kitty, there's going to be some changes...
Kitty: (to Abe) And you, Mr. Ho Hos in his sock drawer! Who do you think you're kidding?
Lois: Honey, you have to pace yourself.
Kitty: (to Abe) And another thing, Don Juan. There are two people in that bed!

Malcolm: Whoa, interesting dinner. Stevie beat the crap out of Reese, his dad got drunk, and his mom went totally psycho. Oh my god, we're contagious!

"Casino" [2.5][edit]

Malcolm: What sounds more idiotic: "Let's go to the desert, kids" or "Good idea, Dad"?

Dewey: I don't like ghosts. They eat little boys.

Reese: You know what nobody's mentioned, is that this is supposed to be the greatest army in the world, and you couldn't even kill the three of us. I gotta tell ya, I'm not impressed.

Malcolm: (sees some explosive devices) Okay, I just figured this out... RUN!!

Malcolm: supt good, cougars don't just blow up!
Reese: As near as I can figure, I did it with my mind.
Malcolm: Reese! That's insane!
Reese: I wouldn't talk to me like that if I were you.

Hal (to an army general): Well, the thing is that when we saw the fence we did not know if we were going in or out, Malcolm, do you want to explain it?
Malcolm (terrified): No, I don't.

Reese: I'm thirsty.
Malcolm: Yeah, well, we would have water if some idiot hadn't used to it write a S.O.S in the sand.
Reese: Oh, I see. You people let me carry the water and all of a sudden I'm the idiot.

Hal: Dewey, I only have one phone call, so put your mother on the phone so she can come pick us up.
(Dewey puts the phone down)
Lois: Who was that?
Dewey: Wrong number.

"Convention" [2.6][edit]

Malcolm: [referring to Dewey] I don't believe this! Here I'm supposed to be the genius, and I'm being outsmarted by someone who can't tie his own shoes!

[Malcolm and Reese are locked out of the house at night.]
Malcolm: What are we going to do now?
Reese: [falls into a cesspool via a trap they had set up earlier] AAAAAHHHH! Oh my God! What is this stuff?
Malcolm: Well, at least the night isn't a total loss.

Malcolm: Come on, Reese. Hurry up!
Reese: Sorry, I had to put the "lemonade" in the fridge.

Patty: Hungry?
Malcolm: I don't know what I am.

Patty (to Malcolm; on the phone with Francis) Francis? Is that Francis? Tell him it's Patty Henderson from 8th grade algebra.
Malcolm (to Francis): Patty Henderson says hi!
Francis: Oh, my God! Patty Henderson is your babysitter?!?!
Patty: Let me talk to him. Hi!
Francis: Don't let her... Hi... Patty!

Reese [about Dewey]: Hehe. He's cute! I hate him for being cute!

Malcolm [to Dewey]: You were gonna make her a card?!
Dewey: No.
Reese: You like glitter, Dewey?
(next scene)
Patty (walks in): Dewey?
(Dewey is a mess again)
Malcolm: This is what he is. He's a walking disaster area.
Patty (using baby's voice): Guess who needs another bath?
(Dewey smiles as Patty sends him to the bathroom)

Reese [to Dewey]: You, sitting around with your big eyes and your dopey voice. I have to resist hugging you myself.

Patty (about Francis): He was so nice, and so cute.
Reese: Yeah, I'm a lot like him.
(Malcolm rolls his eyes)

Dewey: What is that?
Malcolm: It's the cest pool.
Dewey: We have a pool?
Malcolm: It's the sewage of the house.

(Barbara & Tom are watching Hal fight Jack while Lois tries to stop them)
Barbara: Oh, for God's sake, Tom. Do something!
Tom: I'll refill your drink.
Barbara: Okay.

Dewey: I can dance... wanna see?
Patty: Okay.
Dewey (gets up and dances): Poopy, poopy, poopy, poopy, poop-y! Poopy, poopy, poopy, poo. (repeats over and continues dancing)
Malcolm (to the camera): This is embarrassing.

Tom [to Hal]: Well that was still good on how you got him to scream like a girl.
Hal (embarrassed): No, that was actually me.

(Hal and Tom are restrained by guards and both of them are sweating up a rainstorm.)
Hal: It's too late! Something snapped! I am way past the point of no return! We're talking primal animal urges! I'm gonna let nature take its course...AND KILL HIM!

Lois [to Hal]: In 30 seconds, I'm going to instruct these men to let you go.
Hal: (all worked up) Thank you, Lois. Thank you.
Lois: And then you will have a choice. You can indulge your primal urges with him, or... you can come back to the motel...and indulge your primal urges with me.
Hal: (looks at Lois, then at Tom, then at Lois again) Don't trivialize my anger, Lois! I mean, there are some things that you just don't try to talk people out of. (calming down) I have a legitimate situation here.
Lois: (sympathetic) I know, baby. (kisses Hal)
(Hal calms down whimpering. The guards release Hal and Tom. Hal and Lois leave, arm in arm, but as Hal passes Tom, he smacks him. Tom gets feisty, but soon realizes that Hal/Lois are leaving innocently.)

"Robbery" [2.7][edit]

Lois: Craig, that button's been disconnected for a year now.
Craig: What? Why?
Lois: Because you kept pressing the damn thing.
Craig: In an emergency, that's what it's for.
Lois: Oh, "emergencies" like when you saw a bee. Or when you saw that big fly that you thought was a bee. What about the time you thought you saw a ghost?
Craig: I'm not saying that it was or wasn't, but you can't tell me that what we saw was normal.

Hal: That's strange. Why would someone fill this thing with hundreds of hanging bowties?
Malcolm: Those aren't bowties. Those are bats!

Reese: Does anyone want my baked potato? It's kind of burnt.
Hal: Reese, we didn't have any baked potatoes.
(Reese looks down and sees a bat on his plate)
Everyone (screams): Aggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Hal: So, Dewey, how was school today?
Dewey: Mikey Duffy pushed me down today.
Hal: Well, did you push him back?
Dewey: No, he's bigger than me.
Hal: Uh-huh... Reese?
Reese: I'm on it.

Robber (cheery): How are you?
Craig: Good.
Robber (smiles): Good. (screams) NOW TELL US THE DAMN COMBINATION!

Craig: Trust me, anything you say won't hurt me.
Robber: Yeah, how about you give us all the money and every other cash register?
Craig: Oh, my God, a gun!
Lois: Craig, don't panic. We just give them the money from every cash register and they leave.
Craig: What about the safe?
Robber: What safe?
Craig: -ty, safe-ty of the customers.

Lois: Can we hurry this along?
Robber #1: Yeah, if someone would give us the combination.
Lois: Well, I can't, but the assistant manager can.
Robber #1: Great, what's the combo?
Craig: No.
Lois & Robber #1: What?
Craig: You can't have it.
Lois: Craig, yes, they can.
Robber #2 (pushes Robber #1 aside): Watch out, I'll get it. (takes gun out) WHAT'S THE COMBO?!?!?!
(Craig passes out)

Lois [to Craig]: Do you see the big buck knife that guy has? Do you want to antagonize him? Do you really want to feel that knife cutting through your flesh... (Craig starts passing out again) Craig, stay with me here. Damn.

Hal (to Dewey): Now, this last bat is tricky, son. You see, if he lands in our hair, he'll bite, get tangled, and keep biting. But if he lands in your hair, he'll just bite once. So, I want you to go in and lure him out. Okay?
Dewey (scared): Okay.
(Dewey makes his way in and pokes the bat with the pole; through the bat's vision we see Dewey's mouth open up then the scream comes out, and as the bat flies towards him, Dewey runs out of the room; as it gets to the doorway lots of white lines literally fill its vision up within 2 seconds; back in the family's viewpoint we see Malcolm, Reese, and Hal emptying three FULL cans of silly string on it)
Everyone: YEAH!! ALL RIGHT!!
Hal: Well, I don't know about you, but I sure feel great. (The whole house is a wreck; Hal sighs) Okay, somebody go get the broom and dust pan.

Lois [to Craig]: I am going to have to destroy what ever made you say that. But believe me, its for your own good. #1: No to anything your thinking, no to the buts, no to your what if's, no, no, NO, NO!!!! #2: (she grabs Craig's arm and twists it)
Craig (cries): Owwwwwww.
Lois: Remember that pain. Whenever something else creep's in your head other than the friendly hello I give you in the morning, you remember that pain.

(Lois gets up and leaves; Craig is shocked)
Robber #1 [to Craig]: Whoa, chubbs, you got faced.
(Craig rises; Robber #1 is afraid, gets back, and goes to his partner; the two look at him)
Craig: You want this?! You want this safe?! You want this stupid-stupid-stupid safe?! (he lifts it up; the robbers are shocked) Here's your stupid safe!!!!
(The robbers get out of the way and the safe hits the floor and breaks open)
Robber #1: Cool.
(Robber #2 grabs the pack of money and the two take off)
Lois: My God! Craig, are you alright?
Craig: I felt something rip, and if it wasn't my pants, it was inside me.

"Therapy" [2.8][edit]

Malcolm (to the camera): Okay, so I faked it. But with the family I have, it would've been only a matter of time anyway.

Malcolm (to the camera): I need to seem cured, but to leave the door open for a relapse when I start ballet next semester.

Malcolm: The tricky part is I need to keep this up without being put on medication.

Lois (cleaning up): Underpants, in a closet. Human underpants!! I must not threaten you people enough.

Reese [to Malcolm]: You look so adorable. You know what I like about medieval week is that you can spot the Krelboynes from super far away and they jingle when you hit them.
Hal (coming out of the shower): Reese, leave your brother alone. (to Malcolm) Although you are asking for it.

Lois [to Malcolm]: Where's your jester costume?
Malcolm: In my backpack. I'll wear it at school.
Lois: Put it on. I didn't stay up all night for my health.

Malcolm: Why don't you just put a bulls-eye on my chest and get it over with?
Lois: Oh, you look fine. (The bells on Malcolm's costume jingle) And Reese will tell me if you take these off.

Malcolm (to the camera): When I was six, I dove in a pool and my trunks came off. God, I wish I was there right now!

Caroline: Oh, come on. We've studied this. There is nothing dirty about the miracle of life. And we should all be able to discuss this openly.
Dabney: Who's the father?
Stevie: Does he... work here?
Caroline: All right, you know. I told you we are not playing this game again!!

Malcolm: Dabney has three dentist appointments every week. His teeth look fine to me.
Lloyd: He's not going to the dentist. He's going to the "dentist." It's the secret code for the school therapist.

Francis: Look at this, ever heard of fabric softener? These sheets are like sleeping on straw.
Cadet Martin: Hey, it was good enough for baby Jesus.
Francis: Get out!
(Cadet Martin leaves; Francis throws away all the detergent)

Lois: And when I do, we are all gonna clean up this disaster of a closet. It's gonna be our new family project.
Hal: We've never finished our last family project.
Lois: Because it's in here under two tons of crap!

Reese [to Malcolm]: You missed a great assembly. I can't believe it. They actually gave us fruit to throw at the Krelboynes. What were they thinking?
Malcolm: Don't you ever get tired of making their lives miserable?
Reese: Nope. Beside, I want them to remember who's boss when they're living in their mansions with their supermodel wives. They're gonna know the guy cleaning their pool kicked their ass.

Malcolm: I can't do it. I'm stupid and I'm terrible. I suck at everything.... AND I'M FAT!

Malcolm (sees Reese): What are doing here?
Reese: I figured out your scam. As it turns out, crazy runs in the family.
Malcolm: Reese, you don't know what your doing. You're gonna ruin everything.
Reese: Relax. I got it covered.
Mrs. Gilbert: I'm ready to see you now, Reese.
Reese (in a gravelly voice): Reese, isn't here right now. This is Davey.

Malcolm [to Reese]: What happened? Did you get caught? Where were you?
Reese: Geez, you're always so angry. Maybe you really do need therapy.
Malcolm: What I need is for you not to ruin everything for me. Do you know how much trouble we'd be in if we get caught. With Mom, with the school, WITH MOM!!
Reese: Give me a little credit, psycho. I've been doing my own research. (takes rental videos out) See, I rented Silence of the Lambs, Seven, and the Nutty Professor.
Malcolm: Oh, God! Reese, tell me exactly what you told her.
Reese: Nope. That's confidential. Now, which do you like more? Hannibal Lector or the hockey mask.
(There's a knock on door; Lois & Mrs. Gilbert appear)
Lois: Malcolm? Reese? What do you have to say for yourselves?
Reese: Don't blame Reese? Blame Davey. (Lois grabs his finger and breaks it) Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Lois: (while cleaning out the closet) Who are the Petersons? Why do we have their photo albums? Hi, Malcolm. How was school?
Malcolm: It was normal. Yeah, I'd say normal. Very medieval. (pointing in the closet) Is that a truck tire?
Lois: What? Oh, my... Hal!

Caroline: Okay, your Holiness, would you start the gay... as in happy... Harvest Possession.

"High School Play" [2.9][edit]

Dewey: Live, live, die! (Picks up Playmobil man from table and throws it away) Live, live, live, live, die! (Picks up another man and throws it away as Hal enters)
Hal: Hey. What happened to the Judicial system, presided over by a tribunal of wise elders?
Dewey: I had them lined up and shot.
Hal: You know son, maybe you've been spending too much –
Dewey: Silence! Seize him! (Hal looks around and is startled by the Playmobil men arranged on the top of the buildings)
Hal: All right, son. I think it's time you goose-stepped off to bed. (Picks up Dewey by his shirt and drags him off)
Dewey: Dad, you're embarrassing me in front of my men! (Lois arrives home)
Lois: Hal! Why is this still here! (Slips on a lose piece of Lego and screams as she falls in slow motion, knocking down the whole Lego society as she goes while Hal and Dewey watch in horror) Ow. (Reese runs in when he hears noise)
Reese: No fair! You did it without me!

"The Bully" [2.10][edit]

Reese: I'm sick of being a bully. It's creepy.

Lois: Well, that's not fair! What do they expect him to do, beat up a girl?
Reese: I get to beat up a!

[At Marlin Academy, Francis is on the phone while nervously watching a mob of cadets set upon another]
Eric: Hold him down! You, shave his butt!
Francis: Mom, I'm calling to remind you that today is the last day to buy me a plane ticket home for my...[lowers voice] birthday!
Lois: Honey, we talked about this. We can't fly you back in the middle of the week; you'd only be here for 8 hours.
Francis: But Mom-!
Lois: Sweetie, I'm sorry. I wish things were different, but you were just home for Thanksgiving and that's all we can afford right now.
Francis: Mom, you don't know what they do to people around here on their...[lowers voice] birthday! They strip you naked and they shave every hair off your body, then they throw you in the reflecting pond! Is that what you want for me?!
Lois: I'm impressed, Francis. Your stories are getting better, at least more believable!
Francis: What stories?!
Lois: Oh, like when you wanted to come home for that party and you swore the Academy was being terrorised by a pack of feral dogs?!
Francis: Which were never caught!

Malcolm: Those guys are nuts. I'm funny!... Aren't I funny?
Lloyd: To be honest, you can be a little caustic.
Stevie: The word... is arrogant.
Dabney: How about bitter, sarcastic and handsome? (Lloyd and Stevie stare at him) (points somewhere) Hey, she's cute.

Rick [to Malcolm]: Remember me? "Moby Rick"? (sarcastically) That was so hilarious.
Malcolm: I never called you Moby Rick. I called you Rickapotamus, although... (Rick punches him)

Malcolm: You're talking about joining a cult, Reese!
Reese: My name isn't Reese anymore.
Malcolm: Then what is it?
Reese: I don't remember, but it's not Reese!

Dewey: Is Reese a girl now?
Malcolm: No, Dewey, he's a lady.
Reese: Shut up.
Malcolm: Sorry, ma'am.

"Old Mrs. Old" [2.11][edit]

Lois [to Malcolm about Mrs. Griffin]: You broke her arm?
Malcolm: She had my ball.
Lois: You broke her arm for a ball?
Malcolm: No, I already had the ball. I just pushed her away.
Lois: You pushed her and broke her arm for a ball?
Hal: Was it a special ball, son?
Reese: (Watching in amusement) It was just a flat old tennis ball. Sometimes I don't know why he does the things he does.

Lois (to Malcolm): At least she's not suing us. You just be thankful we have absolutely nothing of value in this house.
Hal: Count your blessings, son.
Lois [to Malcolm]: I talked to Mrs. Griffin. This is what's gonna happen. You are going there every day to help that poor woman until her arm heals.
Malcolm: Every day??!!
Lois: Not one word! Every day!! End of story!

Hal: Reese, an old woman's purse is a little boy's book bag... if he's European.

Mrs. Griffin: (as she is driving, she feels an itch inside her cast and let's go of the steering wheel) Ooh, damn cast itches like a Greek sailor. (Malcolm tries to turn the wheel) Stop pawing at me!

Reese [about Dewey's purse]: Dewey, you're wearing an invitation to an ass-kicking!

(As Mrs. Griffin starts complaining about other types of people)
Malcolm: (to the camera) I can't believe how horrible she is. I'm just gonna ignore her. (turns around and keeps hearing her complain more, then sees a loose blouse hanging as he looks over and sees Mrs. Griffin's robe open; Malcolm is shocked)

Reese [while throwing rocks at Dewey]: I'm trying to protect you!

Reese [to Dewey]: Dewey, I don't think you understand. Boys like me, we look at things like this. We see normal boy, Normal boy, and boy with the purse. Which one do you think we are going to hit?
Dewey: Is one of them fat?
Reese: It doesn't matter! That boy will be fat everyday. But the boy with the purse, he might not wear it again!

Malcolm: Hey, I think 45 minutes of rubbing out corns is worth at least an hour joyride.

(After being caught joyriding by Lois, all the Krelboynes leave except for Malcolm & Stevie)
Malcolm: Need some help, Stevie?
Stevie: Pop... the trunk.

Lois:[at Mrs.Griffin's Doorstep] Malcolm get your things, we're going home. I'm so sorry for all of this.
Mrs. Griffin: Sorry for what?
Lois: My son stole your car and was out joyriding in it.
Mrs. Griffin: Joyriding?! It was no joyride for me. I was passed out in the back seat.
Lois: What?!
Mrs. Griffin: I made a mistake with my medication and he drove me to the hospital.
Lois: Malcolm, if there was an emergency, you could've called an ambulance.

(The Krelboynes are enjoying their joyride with Malcolm at the wheel. Soon the boys hide except for him.)
Malcolm: What? What's going on?!
(in slow motion, he sees his mother in a van passing by, both are shocked)'

Bully 1: Are you calling me a liar?
[Dewey hits the first bully with the purse. The second one is hit as well. The other two dodges it and then the four are sent running. Soon Reese is impressed when Dewey reveals the brick and tosses it on the ground.]
Reese: Nice.

Cadets: Sir!
Commandant Spangler: Cadets.
Francis: What's up, chief?
[Spangler punishes Francis by forcing him to stand outside and hold a rucksack full of rations and a sleeping bag.]

"Krelboyne Girl" [2.12][edit]

Lloyd: Hey, check out the newbie.
Stevie: Fresh... meat.
Dabney: [to Malcolm] You no longer have to live in fear.
Malcolm: What are you talking about?
Dabney: The hazing we put you through is over.
Malcolm: What hazing?
Lloyd: Oh, come on! When we gave you the warped lunchtray. When we dulled the points on your pencils. When you sneezed and no one said "Bless you."
Dabney: I still feel bad about that.

Francis [to Malcolm]: I'm warning you, keep Mom out of your love life!
Malcolm: Mom has nothing to do with this.
Francis: Trust me, yes, she does — she will ruin it, I swear! Whatever Mom tells you, don't do it. And don't do the opposite, either! The way it's worked for me is... Actually, it's never worked for me.

Malcolm: Hi, I'm Malcolm.
Cynthia: Cynthia.
Malcolm: So, you're new here.
Cynthia: Yeah, my dad wanted to get away from Manhattan, but I think the real reason is that my mom's remarriage hit him pretty hard and he thinks that a new environment would help. The truth is nothing's been the same after my brother died in a boating accident.
(Malcolm is shocked, Cynthia pauses, then snorts)
Cynthia: Ha! Just kidding.
Malcolm: What?
Stevie (passes by them): Get... a room.
(Cynthia laughs)
Malcolm: Anyways, see you later, and I'm glad your brother's okay.
Cynthia: I don't have a brother.

Lois [to Dewey]: What are you doing?
Dewey (scrubbing): I'm killing the germs. I hate germs. Germs are scary.
Lois: Don't forget the germs in the oven.

Reese: Ooh, Malcolm. Having lunch with your girlfriend?
Malcolm: She's not my girlfriend.
Reese: I don't know. I think I see a spark. (bops Cynthia's nose) Boop!
Cynthia: Please don't do that.
Malcolm (to the camera): Yeah, that'll help.
Reese: Aw, she doesn't like to be touched. Well, maybe, I'll do this.
(Cynthia grabs Reese's arm and twists it, Reese falls on the table)
Cynthia: Now, say your body is composed entirely of snot.
Reese (sobbing in pain): My body is composed entirely of snot.
Cynthia (to Malcolm): Anything you'd like to add?
Malcolm: I'm good.
(Cynthia lets go of Reese and he walks off still in pain)

(Malcolm enters the front door panting)
Lois: What's wrong?
Malcolm: Some crazy new girl from school actually followed me home.
Lois: Really? Is she cute? Is this what this whole boxers shorts thing is all about. (approaches the door and looks through the peephole)
Malcolm: Mom, please don't.
(Lois sees Cynthia through the peephole and opens the door)
Cynthia: Hi!

Lois [to Malcolm about Cynthia]: You be nice to that girl. It's obvious she has no friends.

Cynthia: Thanks for inviting me to dinner.
Lois: Your quite welcome. I'm sure if my son wasn't a rude selfish little pig, he would have invited you himself.

(Malcolm is having lunch on a table)
Cynthia: Hey, Malcolm.
Malcolm: I want to sit alone. (Cynthia sits down next to him) Yeah, hi.
Cynthia: So, I signed us up as lab partners.
Malcolm: You know, you're always near me. Wouldn't it be okay if you branched out a little?
Cynthia: I thought it seemed so cool that we have a thing together.
Malcolm (to the camera): Thing?

Reese: Malcolm, can you ask your girlfriend to pass the potatoes? (Cynthia hands Reese a bowl of mashed potatoes) Malcolm, can you thank your girlfriend for me?

Reese: Malcolm, can you ask your girlfriend if she would like some more peas?
Dewey: We get it!

Cynthia: Looks like Lloyd and Dabney are having a pretty intense conversation. Did you know I could read lips? (imitates Lloyd) I've noticed that 80% of my Doritos are isosceles triangles. (imitates Dabney) Wow! I'm impressed. Wanna kiss? (Malcolm and Cynthia giggle, Cynthia imitates Lloyd) I was hoping you'd ask. Lemme take a bite of my sandwich first. (Lloyd takes a bite, Cynthia imitates Dabney) Waiting such sweet agony. (Malcolm & Cynthia laugh again; Cynthia imitates Lloyd) Okay, I'm ready. (imitates Dabney) Oh, no, I'm not. I just took a bite of my sandwich. (imitates Lloyd) Oh, you're such a tease.
(Malcolm & Cynthia both laugh again and look at each other and are about to kiss, but Cynthia snorts; Malcolm gets up and leaves)

Hal (phone rings): Hello.
Francis: You are the best dad, ever.
Hal: I am not. I'm a terrible dad. I never should've lied to you.
Francis: Well, the important thing is that this is all behind us and I've learned my lesson.
Hal: What's that?
Francis: That you are the best dad ever.
Hal: Francis, I don't feel much like talking right now. (hangs up while Dewey scrubs the phone)

Lloyd [to Malcolm]: Looks like you and Cynthia have some real chemistry.
Malcolm: Would you shut up!
Lloyd: No, see, it's a play on words.
Malcolm: I said shut up!

Cynthia's Dad [to Malcolm]: Why did you throw a brick through my daughter's window at 2:00 am?

Cynthia [about Lois]: Well, at least she didn't strip us naked and take pictures.
Malcolm (sigh): The night is young.

"New Neighbors" [2.13][edit]

Malcolm: Reese, she's four years old. You're bigger and smarter... well, you're bigger than her.

Lois [to Hal]: What are you looking at?
Hal: Reese's report card, it is much better than last time.
Lois: Really?
Hal: Yeah, this time he used the exact same brand pen as the teacher to change his grade.
Lois: Look at that, he gave himself a "C" in math instead of "A+".
Hal: Yeah, it's subtle, nice attention to detail. He's really learning. Two months grounded?
Lois: 3 months, scrubbing toilets.

Reese [to Malcolm]: Relax. Everyone will think Josh is a thief. His parents will be tied up in court, and Emily will be thrown into a foster home where she'll bite her foster parents, who will leave her at the side of the road, and she can spend the rest of her life biting hillbillies on the interstate.

Malcolm: Yeah, and that kid, Josh, told everyone I was born with both sex organs and raised as a girl until I was five.

Dewey: Their gnome wants to eat me. It's evil.
Lois: They're all evil, sweetie.

"Hal Quits" [2.14][edit]

Malcolm: (to the camera) You know, why plan my future when it's just gonna be a wall of paint crashing down on me? I'm just gonna enjoy being a kid again.

Craig: Francis, I want you to count all the malt balls. (hands Francis a clipboard and a pen as he walks off)
Francis: Should I start with the 40 in your belly?
Craig: I heard that... and I'm paying for those.

Lois: Boys, I need to speak to your father alone.
Reese: So? You have a bedroom, we're eating!

Lois [to Hal]: You doing this because what a 7-year-old said.
Malcolm: It was horrible. He made Dad cry.
Hal: The boy was cruel... but fair.

Lois: There's got to be 500 gallons of paint up there.
Hal: There isn't... yeah, that's about right.

Hal: This is good meat loaf. New recipe?
Lois: Nope. Same as it's always been.
Hal: Ah, come on.
Lois: Oh, you know what, I ran out of tomato sauce and used ketchup instead.

Hal: Look out! Paint-a-lanche!!

Lois [to Hal]: You are gonna finish it!
Hal: (filled with rage since he can't finish the painting) Fine! You want to see me finish it! I'll finish it!!! (picks up some paint and splashes it around the board) How about some here... and there... how about there??? (suddenly pauses and looks at the painting and fixes a few things and completes it)
Reese: Awesome!
Lois: Hal, I can't believe you did it. It's beautiful.
Hal: (happily) I did it!

Craig: Any questions?
Francis: Which household product will kill me the fastest?
Craig: We're going to start you off with the cotton balls.

"The Grandparents" [2.15][edit]

Malcolm: Mom, do you like your parents?
Lois: It doesn't matter how I feel about them. It's not like I can trade them for someone else. You can't pick your parents. You're pretty much stuck with whoever you get.
Malcolm: I know.
Lois: At least I can be grateful that soon they'll be gone.
Malcolm: Back to their own home.
Lois: Yeah...that's what I meant.

Reese: If the future's gonna be half as bad as Grandpa and I suspect, the only survivors are gonna be mutants, coackroaches, and me. All living underwater.

Hal: We need a fridge. We can't store the meat on the porch forever.

Malcolm: (On the phone with Francis) Grandma and Grandpa are here.
Francis: Oh, you're kidding! So did they knock, or did you just hear their cloven hooves clatter up the driveway?!

Ida: (to Dewey) That's it, fatten up on pizza. Good luck running when they come with the dogs and chase you into the hills!

Ida: What are you going to do when they come after you and throw you in the back of the truck? Are you going to read to them? Are you going to impress them with your giant know-it-all brain?

[Reese is playing around with Victor's army paraphernalia, when he pulls the safety pin off a grenade.]
Victor: God in Heaven!
Reese: What? What?!
Victor: This is live grenade! Do not let go of the handle, or we both die!
Reese: I don't want to die!
Victor: Don't worry, all we have to do is find the pin. Find the pin, put the pin back in, and everything will be fine.
[The pin breaks; the two of them are shocked]
[Malcolm is soothing his black eye when Victor and Reese run in, still locked by the grenade.]
Victor: (to Reese) Quit crying like baby.
Malcolm: What's going on?
Reese: Grandpa gave me a live grenade. It's really cool. You wanna hold it?!
Victor: No, no, no! It's for you, not him.
Malcolm: Oh my God! We have to call the police!
Victor: No! No police! No police, please! There's no reason to panic. [Throws the phone on the table out of the room]
Malcolm: Yes, there is! You gave Reese a live grenade, and he's a total idiot!
Reese: He's right. I am. I don't think I should have it anymore. Here!

Lois: (sees that the new refrigerator has been destroyed) WHAT HAPPENED HERE?!!!
Victor: We can't be sure.
Reese: (hysterical) Grandpa gave me a grenade, and it was going to blow, and I didn't mean to drop it! But Malcolm threw it in the fridge!
Lois: You gave my son a live grenade? You brought live ammunition into this house?! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE?! ARE YOU COMPLETELY INSANE?!!

Hal: First off, I'm not here to try to sort out the complicated relationship you have with the woman I love. It's not my place. And I know it would be folly to try to put a price on the deep psychological trauma that you've caused Lois through the years. But let me take a stab at it anyway... $3,000 sound okay to you?
Victor: What?!
Hal: Well, that would pretty much cover the fridge, the collateral damage, pay off a few credit cards, and finally get the transmission fixed in my car.
Victor: Because of what just happened, you want us to loan you $3,000?
Hal: Please. I know you're uncomfortable lending to family, so let's be clear. With one phone call, I could have your asses thrown in jail for child endangerment. So, this money I'm asking for, it's not a loan. It's blackmail.
Ida: He's like your brother Vaslefdt all over again.

"Traffic Ticket" [2.16][edit]

Lois: Well, knock yourself out. My record is clean.
[Scene changes to the police officer arresting Lois.]
Lois: There is no way I have 16 unpaid parking tickets! The computer's wrong! You are not getting away with this!

Lois: I am not taking traffic school.
Hal: Honey, if you don't take traffic school, you'll get a point in your license.
Lois: I'm not getting a point in my license because I'm taking this to court. I did nothing wrong and I got three eyewitnesses to prove it. They saw exactly what happened.
[The camera comes up to Reese and flashbacks]
Lois: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...
[as Lois is saying "blah," Reese is taking gum off his shoe. The camera comes up to Malcolm and flashbacks]
Lois: Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack...
[As Lois continues quacking, Malcolm is drawing a pirate on his arm. The camera comes up to Dewey and flashbacks]
Lois: Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey...
[As Lois is saying his name, Dewey is driving the wheel as Lois is in the passenger's seat.]
Malcolm, Reese, & Dewey: You're right, mom!
[Hal is not convinced and tries to warn Lois against going through with her plans to take the ticket and cop to court.]

Hal: I don't understand it. How can we get 16 unpaid parking tickets and not even know about it?
[The scene switches to Francis on the phone at Marlin Academy.]
Francis: Mom, just calm down.
Lois: I was in jail, Francis. Jail, all because you didn't pay your parking tickets. How could you gotten 16 parking tickets?
Francis: It's not my fault, you keep me stuck here. When I come home, I have so much living to do, I don't have time to look for legal parking.
Lois: You listen mister. Your irresponsible behavior has finally caught up to you and you are going to suffer the consequences. You are paying those parking tickets.

[After Lois tells Francis that he owes the family $747.13 for the unpaid parking tickets.]
Francis: This is totally unfair! None of this would've happened if you weren't such a reckless driver!
Lois: Excuse me??!!
Francis: When I park too close to a mailbox, I didn't endanger anyone's life.
Lois: I didn't endanger anyone. I was pulled over by a corrupt cop for a traffic violation that I didn't commit!
Francis: [sarcastically] Oh, but when I say I've been framed by the police, you ship me off to military school! Ironic, isn't it?!
Lois: That cop was out to get me!
Francis: Of course he was. Everyone's out to get you. And the neighbor's cat's the ringleader. Didn't you know that?
Lois: Ha-ha, you can laugh all you want, Francis. But until you come up with the money, you are not coming home.
Francis: Where am I supposed to get $700?! You're just using this to keep me here.
Lois: Yeah, that's right. It was the cat's idea.

Lois: Anything you break comes out of your allowance!
Reese: We don't get an allowance!
Lois: Well, now you know why!

Lois: Francis, I am not gonna let you weasel out of your responsibility. Because of you, we are done to one car until your father gets his next paycheck. Now you either come up with the money, or you don't come home.
Francis: Mom, its impossible. I'm in school. When I'm not in school, I have homework. When I'm not doing homework, I'm in detention. If I'm lucky, I have six hours free a week. At minimum wage, I wouldn't be able to make it home until Thanksgiving 2010.
Lois: You bring the yams. [hangs up]

Malcolm (sees the tape): Oh, my God! I can't believe it. Mom's... wrong.

Hal: Remember when I took that comedy traffic school? God, that was hilarious. A rabbi, a priest, and a minister come to a four-way stop...

Malcolm: Someone's got to gi...
Reese: Not it!
Malcolm: Well, then, someone can mail it to her any...
Reese: Not it!
Malcolm: Well, someone's got to be the person to...
Reese: Not it!
Malcolm: ... not give it to her!
Reese: I'm it!
Malcolm: HAHA! ... Oh

Lois: The tape is wrong. (gets up and leaves)
Malcolm: Dad?
Hal: You heard your mother. The tape... is... OH! (gets up towards Lois)

(Dewey walks up to the police car)
Lois: Dewey, it’s going to okay. Mommy is...
Dewey: Can you turn on the siren?
Cop: Sure. (turns it on)
Dewey: Yeah! [imitates siren]

Lois (to the boys after they got pulled over): No one make piggy noises, no one say they smell bacon, and no one claim that they're kidnapped.

Hal [to Craig about the security tape]: You will never mention a word of this to Lois.
Craig: But...
Hal: Uh Uh. Not one single word.
Dewey (comes up close): Got it?

Hal [to Lois]: I got to admit, it was sexy. Me having to bail you out of jail. (Lois looks at Hal) Well, it was sexy for me.
Lois: Oh, yeah, Hal. That was a real turn on.

Reese: Make a run for it, mom. We can be on the News.
Lois:[ignores Reese and pulls over] All right, no one makes piggy sounds! No one claims they smell bacon! And no one claims they've been kidnapped!

"Surgery" [2.17][edit]

Malcolm: [To audience] Nothing like two days in the hospital to make you appreciate your own home.
[Reese takes tub of popcorn from Malcolm.]
Reese: Gimme that!
Lois: Oh my God! Look at Malcolm's hospital bill! I can't imagine how much it would've cost if he'd actually gotten the surgery.
Hal: Well, there goes our summer vacation.
Dewey: So we have to pay, even though he was faking?
Malcolm: I wasn't faking! I was the one who found out they were wrong.
Reese: Well, if you're so smart, why didn't you figure it out sooner?
[Everyone stares at Malcolm]
Hal: Well, son, would you like to field that one for us?
Malcolm: [To audience] Nothing like ten seconds at home to make you appreciate the hospital!

Malcolm: Mom, my stomach hurts.
Reese: So does mine!
Malcolm: I'm not kidding, it's really sore.
Reese: Owwwww... it hurts.
Malcolm: Shut up, Reese.
Reese: I see spots! Mommy!
Lois: Alright! That's enough! I don't care what assignment you didn't do or what test you didn't study, you're still going to school.
Hal: You know, now you mentioned it...
Lois: Everybody's going!

Hal: Dewey, don't be frightened, but there's a spider next to you.
Dewey: Yeah, Dad. There's always a spider on Bacon Day.

Malcolm: Why do I have to stay in the kids' ward?
Lois: I'm sorry, honey, but you're six months too young to have an adult room.
Reese: I hear if you're really good, they'll put apple juice in your sippy cup.

Lois: Reese, give your brother a hug.
Reese: Aw, mom?
Lois: Do it!
Reese: (gives Malcolm a hug) If you tell anyone I hugged you, I'm putting you back in here.

Malcolm: Dewey, you're wearing my shirt.
Dewey: Am I?

Cadet Finley: I can't take this anymore. If I don't eat, I'm gonna pass out!
Cadet Drew: Yeah.
Cadet Finley: Who are you?
Cadet Drew: I'm your roomate.

Francis: The strike has been settled! (the cadets cheer) We got his magic hat!
Eric: What about the TV?
Francis: Huh?

Dewey [while playing a board game]: Hey, we look like the family on the box. (the family agrees) Can I be the little girl?
Hal: Not on my watch, son.

"Reese Cooks" [2.18][edit]

Hal [to Malcolm]: Whatcha' doing there, son?
Malcolm: I have to prove Kepler's Third Law of Motion.
Hal: What's Dewey doing?
Malcolm: Coloring.
Hal: I better get in there.

Hal: Reese, do you know what empathy is?
Reese: No.
Hal: Well, empathy is putting yourself in other people's shoes so you can feel what they do. If you hurt someone, empathy makes you hurt as well.
Reese: Then why would you want empathy?
Hal: [turns away to Lois, stunned] He has no more sense of right and wrong than a tree-frog!

Eric: (seeing Francis' notes, which is a little sheet of paper) That's your half? (picks up a book) THIS IS MY HALF!!!!


Hal: We can hurt him… we can be parents again!

"Tutoring Reese" [2.19][edit]

Mr. Woodward, Reese's history teacher: I just don't think you'd throw away the son who achieves for, well, Reese.
Lois: You don't think I'd sacrifice this one? Let me explain something to you. I would sell Malcolm down the river in a heartbeat to save Reese. Malcolm's gonna be fine no matter what happens. Maybe he'll have to go to junior college or start off blue collar, but he'll work his way up to management eventually. Reese is the one who needs saving.
Woodward: I don't believe you. No mother could ever be that callous to her own son.
[Francis appears in the window, pressed against the glass, while rain pours down and lightning flashes.]
Francis: Mom, please let me come home! I'm cold and I'm hungry! Please, I'll fix the roof, I'll paint the house! I'll do anything, Mom, please! Just let me live indoors, Mom! Please, I wanna be warm again! MOM, PLEASE! (sobbing)
[Lois smiles victoriously. Woodward looks rather apprehensive.]
Woodward: Maybe we can work something out.

"Bowling" [2.20][edit]

Hal:[goes back to a photo booth near the door] Reese, get out of the photo booth.
[Reese peeks out just in time to see the large man that he threw a bowling ball at, intending for Malcolm, waiting for him. He inserts a dollar bill in the booth]
Reese: You probably want your privacy. I'll get out of your way.
[The large man pushes Reese back into the photo booth and goes inside with him. Reese is heard screaming as he is getting his ass kicked with photos to prove it.]

[Dewey fakes crying to Lois as she walks towards his room carrying a laundry basket.]
Lois: Not Buying It.

Dewey: Why can't I go bowling too?
Lois: Because you are spending the night in your room. You are being punished and tomorrow you're going town to the store and buy Mrs. MacNabb a new parakeet.
Dewey: Aww Dad!
Hal: Don't look at me. As far as you boys are concerned, your mom and I are a united front.
Malcolm: We're ready. Who's taking us?
[the screen splits]
Lois:[on her own bowling side] I am.
Hal:[on his own bowling side] I am.
Lois:[On Hal's bowling side, ordering Dewey] You to your room, march!
Hal:[On Lois' bowling side] Hey Dewey. Race you to your room.

[at Lois' home side, she has tucked Dewey tightly in bed.]
Lois: Go to sleep, I don't want to hear another peep out of you.
Dewey: It's not fair, I don't to sleep early.
Lois: Fine. Feel free to lie awake all night.

[At the house on both sides. On one side is Lois watching T.V. with Dewey in a channel he isn't enjoying. On Hal's home side, Dewey is eating pizza and watching an R-rated movie. In both scenes, they see the car's flashing lights. On Lois' home side, she carries Dewey to his room and tucks him to bed. On Hal's side, he walks into his room and drags his father out of bed and onto the couch. Dewey hands Hal a pizza slice before heading back into his room. In both sides, Hal and Lois comes home with the boys.]
Lois and Hal:[Home side] So how'd it go?
Hal and Lois:[Bowling side] Next time, you take them.

[On Lois' bowling side.]
Malcolm: Check it out, Beth Ballard's here.
Reese: Yeah, I heard she's the reason why Mr. Thomas got fired.
[Lois shows up after paying for the boy's one pair of shoes and notices there are no parents around.]
Malcolm: You can go now, thanks for the ride.
Lois: Where are the parents? Are there no parents here?
Malcolm: Mom, please dont....
Lois: WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS?! Who's chaperoning this?
Reese: Mom, we don't need a chaperone.
Lois:(ignoring Reese) Ok, it's me.

"Malcolm vs. Reese" [2.21][edit]

Francis: How am I ever gonna decide which one of you to take?
Malcolm: You deliberately bought two tickets just to torment us?
Francis: No. Of course not. I bought them to see who loves me the most. Now, I know you both love me, but I bet one of you loves me a little bit more.
[Malcolm and Reese look dejected]
Francis: Come on, guys! It's Rage in the Cage. You should be happy!
Reese: We are happy!
Francis: You're not doing the happy dance.

Officer: There's no sign of forced-entry. You don't have any idea how they could have got inside?
Hal: It's a mystery.
Dewey: You left the window open.
Hal: ...Mystery solved!
Officer: What are you doing here again?
Hal: We're watching the owner's cat.
Officer: I don't see a cat.
Hal: We're not doing a very good job.

[Francis and his date are pulled over by a police officer.]
Officer 2: License and registration, please.
Francis: Officer, what did I do?
Officer 2: This car was reported stolen.
Francis: Oh, it's been reported stolen, huh?
[He digs into his wallet to find nothing but a small slip of paper saying, "IT GETS WORSE."]
Officer 2: I'm not gonna ask you again. License and registration.
Francis: Sir, I know this looks bad...
[Francis and the cop hear banging from inside the trunk.]
Officer 2: Open the trunk, sir!
Francis: Officer, let me explain...
Officer 2: OPEN THE TRUNK!
[Francis unlocks the trunk. The officer opens it and finds Malcolm and Reese lying inside, bound and gagged.]
Officer 2: [drawing his gun] GET OUT OF THE CAR!

"Mini-Bike" [2.22][edit]

Lois: What's the matter, Craig?
Craig: What does it say on this jar?
Lois: "Craig."
Craig: Well I'm glad someone around here can read. The jar holds fourteen pickles. I had three yesterday, two for lunch today, and one and a half for snack. And now there are six and a half pickles in this jar. Simple math indicates...
Lois: Are you counting the one in your hand?
Craig: Ok, false alarm.

Malcolm: So, according to your logic, a two-foot fall from a mini-bike is more dangerous than a six-foot fall from a galloping horse?
Lois: That was a long time ago.
Malcolm: Before... gravity?

Craig: (turns the truck on) I don't know why we have to go across town. It seems kind of silly.
Malcolm: Craig, I promise. It's the best ice cream in town.
Craig: Well, I'll be the judge of that.
[backs up the truck and runs over something, making a loud thud; he stops the truck]
Craig: What was that?!
[Dewey moves a rock out of the driveway to fool Craig into thinking that it was Reese's leg that he ran over]
Reese: (non-emotional) Ow! Ow, my leg! Ow! Ow!
[Dewey rolls eyes and hits Reese's bump. He begins sobbing and screaming]
Craig:: (quickly gets out of his truck, panicking) Oh, my God, what did I do?!
Malcolm: You ran over his leg!
Craig: Oh, no!
Lois: (runs outside) What happened? (sees Reese injured) Oh, my God, Reese!
[Reese continues sobbing loudly as Malcolm & Dewey look at each other and smile as their plan worked]

Craig: (leaving) Jellybean and I are leaving now. Once again, I'm very sorry. I can't even look you people in the eye.
[Once gone, Lois decides to call it even knowing her sons' plans got Craig out of the house.]

Francis: Sir, his shirt just came untucked when he was hugging his father. You can't yell at him for hugging his father.
[The cadet runs when Spangler turns his attention to Francis]
Hal: Francis!
Commandant Spangler: On no, I'm glad you saw this because this is exactly what I was talking about. Always underminding my authority, day in, day out. It's the same thing. Like when I made Cadet Dooley do 600 laps of the perimeter for an inside-out pillow case violation, Francis organizes a sit in. Or when I cut off the electricity in the 5th floor for contraband boom-box, he hijacks a generator for them. The boy lives to cause chaos.
Francis: He was hugging his dad!
Commandant Spangler: In front of his father he still defies me at every turn.
Hal: And everytime something like this happens, he challenges you.
Commandant Spangler: Every time.
Hal: Even though he knows he'll get in trouble.
Commandant Spangler: That doesn't seem to matter to him at all.
Hal: I understand.
Commandant Spangler:(turns to Francis) I will deal with you, later.

Lois: It's nobody's.
[Malcolm, Reese and Dewey are shocked when they see Lois twist the key to the mini-bike off and take it out.]
Lois: What's wrong with you? You're not allowed to have a motorcycle.

"Carnival" [2.23][edit]

Reese: Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, puppies, ice cream, fat people falling over.

Malcolm: When your TV privileges are taken away, you have to do something for entertainment. This is totally a trade-up.

Lois: [after realising that Malcolm and Reese lied to them] Hal, get my bra!

"Evacuation" [2.24][edit]

Malcolm: What are you doing with toilet paper?
Reese: I got my hands on some canned fruit, I traded those for batteries, the batteries for DVDs, and I swapped those with the janitor for the school's entire supply of toilet paper. Once the "specially seasoned" meatloaf works its magic, I can name my price.
Malcolm: You know, that's not only unbelievably evil, but you actually put some thought and effort into it. I'm impressed.
Reese Something about people being miserable and suffering brings out the best in me. Thanks for noticing.

Hal: [he grabs Reese and Dewey] You boys have ruined the worst stunt you have ever done and that's the last straw! Now you're gonna apologize to those nice wonderful people like you never apologized before. [he puts Dewey on the stand] Okay, Dewey. Say it nice and loud
Dewey We're sorry we dropped the couch on the railroad tracks and wrecked the train.

Guard: Do not set foot outside this area. Not one foot!
Hal: I would just like to get one thing clear. When we go home, you fellas are still gonna be a presence in the community, right?
Guard: If I wasn't in uniform, I'd take a swing at you myself.

"Flashback" [2.25][edit]

Reese: Ha ha. Stupid bug.
[Reese touches the bug zapper]
Reese: OW! OW! YOU STUPID... [Punches the bug zapper] OW!!

Francis: You're a liar, you're a liar, you're a liar!

'[A police officer brings young Francis home and informs Lois that he had caught him taking a joyride on a steamroller]
Lois: Thanks, Officer. [turns angrily to Francis] What were you thinking?!
Francis: That it went faster.
Hal: I loved the way you sent the boys to their room...
Lois: Boys! Go to your room!

Season 3[edit]

"Houseboat" [3.1][edit]

Lois: [After Hal gets arrested and Malcolm refusing to help his father while talking to a girl] Do you realize how close your father came to being a registered sex offender?! A registered sex offender! And for what? For some trampy girl? For...
Malcolm: Mom, please. I feel terrible. I completely understand what I did. I sold out my own father for a girl. It's the worst thing I've ever done. We both agree, I'm a terrible person.
Lois: For some girl you don't even know! Who wouldn't give you the time of day! That's the gratitude you showed your father.
Reese: Hey, maybe I'm the good one after all. [Giving a glass of water to Lois] Here, mom, for your throat. I put a little honey in it.
Lois: That man gets one vacation a year and this is how you start it. [Phone rings] You go and make it right.

Lois: [on the phone with Francis] Absolutely not, Francis.
Francis: You're not listening, I could make $45 an hour. That more than what you or dad make.
Lois: You are going to graduate from high school.
Francis: Why spend the tuition? It's at total waste of money and we both know I'm failing. [All is quiet for a moment.] Okay, now we both know.

Francis: [At a lawyer's office in Alabama after being driven over the edge by Spangler.] You know I didn't want it to come to this, but there is so much a person can be pushed.
Lawyer: You don't have to persuade me. This is the kind of injustice the Alabama legal system was designed to address. [Hands Francis a legal document.] Sign here.
[Francis signs his own name on the document.]
Lawyer: And we'll need your parents' signatures at the bottom.
[In full view of the lawyer, Francis forges his parents' signatures and hands the document back to the lawyer.]
Lawyer: Great! I'm a notary as well as a lawyer so I can have this expedited.
Francis: [Shakes the lawyer's hand.] Great.

Lois: [Reading a document from the mail] Oh my god. It's Francis. He quit school. He's on his way to Alaska.
Hal: That's impossible, he just can't take himself out of school. He needs our permission.
Lois: No, he doesn't. [shows a legal document] He got himself legally emancipated.

"Emancipation" [3.2][edit]

[The Krelboynes are discussing their new teacher]
Stevie: What...a jerk!
Lloyd: Is that what we're going to turn out like? If I ever start acting like that, you have to promise to kill me!
Dabney: No! No more death pacts!

[After Francis has spent the whole episode trying to talk to Lois, she is willing to listen]
Lois: Francis, I'm listening...
Francis: This is what you get! This is what you get for the way you treated me! [Lois looks stunned] I'm going to Alaska, you're gonna be left without a son, and the horrible way you treated me is now a matter of public record!
Lois: [furious] I treated you?! We made sacrifice after sacrifice for you and you've caused us nothing but pain!
Francis: You want pain?! I got your scars, baby; three and a half years in that horrible school-!
Lois: We went without to pay for that school!
Francis: [sarcastic] Oh, maybe I should thank you?! Thank you, Mother, for making my life A LIVING HELL!

"Book Club" [3.3][edit]

Lois:[Has just arrived home just in time by jumping over the fence to catch the boys with fireworks] BOYS!!! FIREWORKS!! FIREWORKS!!!
Reese: How did she?!
Malcolm: I don't know.
Lois: You boys are in so much trouble. I can't leave you alone for one second. I guess next time I go out, I'll have to chain you to the floor and tie you in the oven. You don't even pretend to listen. You might as well cut off your ears and throw them in the trash for as long as you use them. You are grounded for the next month!
[a police helicoper approaches Lois]
[An arrested Lois continues punishing the boys as she gets on the ground.]
Lois: While you're being punished, I hope your friends are doing all sorts of fun stuff. BECAUSE YOU WON'T BE DOING ANY OF IT! YOU ARE GONNA SUFFER!

Lois:[drunk as she pours herself another glass of wine] So I come home from working a 10-hour shift and I see my boys. And they're covered in grass and and they're covered in paint. And they look at and all they could say is "Where's Dinner!!!"
[The women agree as Karen opens another's wine bottle]

Hal: You're not going anywhere. You're going to stay in your room with the door shut. Now Go!
[Malcolm, Reese and Dewey runs back into their room.]

Lois: If it weren't for me, my family would be naked, in trees and eating berries. Do they appreciate what I do for them? Nooooooo!!!
Karen: Lillian Miller's family just surprised her with a trip to Spain.
[The women are more upset]

Lois: You know ladies, I just realize something. Society isn't the thing that's making us miserable. I mean hell, we're society.
[The women cheered.]
Lois: No. No. Every single one of our problems can be traced back to that tight ass, overacheiving, marathon running, master chef: LILLIAN MILLER!
[Lois and the other drunk women walks down to Lillian's house]

Hal: I expect perfect behavior out of you boys tonight. Trust me, if you try anything, anything at all, I'll be on you like a rainbow on an oil slick.

"Malcolm's Girlfriend" [3.4][edit]

Reese: You've just got to calm down, turn off your brain.
Malcolm: You can't just turn off your brain.
Reese: Sure you can! I do it all the time. Just watch...
Malcolm: [snorts] This is so stupid. You can't turn off your...
[Reese stands slack-jawed, staring blankly]
Malcolm: Reese...? Reese!
[Reese wakes from his daze and holds his forehead]
Reese: Oh, man, how long was I out?

Lois: So, how was school today, Malcolm?
Malcolm: Everything went well and I got no problems going on.
Lois: (Acts nice) I heard you gained a girlfriend, could you tell me about her?
Hal: Son, is this true?
Reese: Damn, I was saving for a free pass on my Report card!

Malcolm: (Narrates) I can't wait until I'm 16 to get a girlfriend. (Then he sees Dewey playing on the bouncing castle) But I can go back.

Hal: I'm sorry, Malcolm but no girlfriend until you're 16 and that's final.
Malcolm: Ok, fine. I'm totally over her, I can handle myself and I don't need to waste my time on this stupid family!
Lois: (becomes worried) On second thought, maybe you should avoid the girl.

Lois: (Sighs) Ok, Malcolm. I've been thinking about it and I'm gonna give you a 'Free Pass'. Every time any of you boys do something important that your father should not see you doing, I give each of you 1 free pass per month.

"Charity" [3.5][edit]

Malcolm: We're not getting a saddle. This was just a mistake from the beginning.

Reese: Ok, old people.
[Malcom shakes his head to Reese disapprovingly.]
Reese: What could be bad about old people?
[Malcolm explains to him in his ear about how cranky old people are.]
Reese: Poor people. We want poor people.

Dewey: It's God, He found us.
Hal: It's not God, Dewey. It's just my crappy car.

Francis: Okay.
Lavernia: What did I say about backtalk?

Eric: Look at this note she [Lavernia] made: "Emotionally dependent on pornography, addicted to Nut Clusters". How does she know I love Nut Clusters?!

Hal: You've been stealing money from the church.
Reese: [opening the closet door to reveal other stuff, as Malcolm lifts his blanket to reveal yet more] And maybe some merchandise.

[Upon realising the boys also stole an air tank.]
Hal: You stole air?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU BOYS?! Do you ever stop and think about the consequences of anything you do. Do you realise the shame you could bring upon our entire family. Do you?!

Malcolm: Hey, I don't want to scare anyone. But this is the street mom takes home and she gets off in 10 minutes!

"Health Scare" [3.6][edit]

Lois: How many times have we told you not to track mud into this house?
Malcolm: We'll clean it up.
Lois: That's not good enough. You're grounded for a week!
Reese: What?
Malcolm: You can't do that! Those are just footprints!
Lois: You wanna be grounded for two weeks?!
Malcolm: Dad!
Hal: You heard your mother!
Reese: This is ridiculous! You're being totally unfair! Just because Malcolm tracked mud on the floor doesn't mean we should be grounded!
Lois: Go to your room!

Reese: (lies down) If you can't do the time, don't do the crime. See you Monday.

Lois: How dare you! How dare you defy us like that!
Malcolm: Well we wouldn't have had to if you've hadn't been ridiculously hard on a little mud on the floor!
Lois: You two are the most ungrateful, badly-behaved, inconsiderate boys ever born! How could you be so heartless?
Reese: What is heartless about going to a party with a bunch of slutty girls?
Malcolm: Keep it cool!
Hal: You were at a party? While we were here worrying?
Dewey: (calm) Can I have a napkin?
Hal: I cannot believe you two!
Lois: Oh, that's it! You're grounded for the rest of the school year!
Reese: You can't do that!
Malcolm: You're crazy!
Hal: You do not talk to your mother that way, ever! You will show her the love and respect she deserves, whether I am here or not!
Reese: This family sucks! You're ruining our lives! I wish you were dead!
(Exeunt Lois and Hal)
Malcolm: What was that all about?
Reese: I dunno. Usually, she just says "I'm taking you with me!"

"Christmas" [3.7][edit]

[Lois is fed up with the boys destructive antics with the decorations]
Lois: I have had it!
[Dumps out the contents in the paper bag and turns off the lights to the Christmas tree. She is stuffing all the presents in the bag.]
Malcolm: Mom, what are you doing?
Lois: I am taking everything, every decoration, every present, every tree and I'm locking it in the garage. Every single Christmas, you three burn, break or destroy and I'm putting a stop to it.
Dewey: She's stealing Christmas.
Malcolm: Mom, you can't do this.
Reese: Yeah, this'll be the last year Dewey believes in Santa.
Dewey: WHAT?!
Lois: If you boys behave until Christmas morning, there will be a Christmas morning. Otherwise these are going back to the store and Christmas will be cancelled!
Reese: [to Lois] You wouldn't cancel Christmas! You're bluffing.
[Scene cut to reveal Reese crying over his burning stocking, proving Lois isn't bluffing.]

[Ida opens a musical Christmas card and then slams it shut.]
Ida: You do this to torture me, to hurt me!?
Francis: You don't like Christmas music?
Ida: It sounds like a song they sang when they would ride through the villages and throw the babies into the fire!
Francis: [skeptical] They sang 'Jingle Bells'?
Ida: They sang something.

Francis: Why don't you just unhinge your jaw and finish me off?!
Ida: After my Magnum P.I.

Lois:[wrapping up some gifts while talking on the phone to Francis in Alaska] Just spend a couple of days with Grandma. You can leave right after Christmas.
Francis: I am not visiting that woman. She's evil and she hates me.
Lois: Francis, this is family! This is Grandma's first Christmas since your grandpa died and you live the closest. How can you be so selfish?
Francis: Well did you invite her to your house?
Lois:[pauses for a minute] She knows she's always welcome.
Francis: Hey, maybe we'll both get on a bus and come down to surprise you.
Lois: Don't you threaten me, I am ending this discussion. You are going to Whitehorse. You're going to the drugstore to buy her a gift. And you both will have a proper Christmas.

[In one of the flashbacks, a Christmas tree is on flames and the smoke alarm goes off. Hal and Lois are seen running in front of it.]
Lois: Who did this? Who did this?!
Hal: Drop and roll, honey.
Lois: Who did This?!
Hal: For God's sake, drop and roll!

Francis: Well, look at that - 8:00 already, way past my bedtime. Where do I sleep?
Ida: You're sitting on it.
Francis: Does it turn into a bed?
Ida:[sarcastically] Yes, it becomes a bed. It's a special magic sofa. It opens up for magic, lazy boy. And angels come out and feed you grapes and sing to you while you sleep, and it flies around the room, granting wishes to boys who are stupid!
Francis: All right! It doesn't fold out!

[Hal is confronting Lois for cancelling Christmas]
Lois: I'm not cancelling it. I'm just taking it hostage.

Francis:[takes a look at the photo of Victor in his youth who looks similar to himself] Ugh, don't tell me that eyebrow thing is genetic.
Ida: You and him, both the same. Always had to have your own way. Nothing ever good enough. Always had to fight everything. Victor always had to be so independant. Left home when he was 11. Lived on his own, got to work on farm. Plowing the fields like a man. Worked 18 hours a day. Had to sleep with the pigs, but he never complained. He was strong. He made something of himself.
[Strugles with opening the trunk that contained the angel]
Ida: Nobody's like that anymore. Everybody's too soft.
Francis: Hey Grandma, why don't you let me help you with that.
Ida:[slaps Francis away] Your grandfather was tough. He didn't take anything from anybody. He was proud, a man of honor. He was a wonderful, wonderful man. [puts cigarette in mouth and sleeps.]

Ida: I'm not gonna pay those pirates!
Francis: Of course not.
[Gives Ida an envelope.]
Francis: Well in spirit of the season, let's begin this pathetic charade.
Ida: I never know what you're talking about. Talk like a jackass.

[Ida coughes and chokes]
Francis: You're ruining smoking for me! You sound like you're dying!
Ida: You'd like that, wouldn't you?! You can't wait to get your hands on my things!
Francis:[Sarcastically] Oh yeah, Grandma. I have big plans for these doilies and I really want that can of peaches that's been on your shelves for 30 years!
Ida: Don't touch my peaches!

[Francis has found a closet of Christmas gifts Ida has kept back for petty offences]
Francis: Oh my God, you're crazy! I just thought you were evil but you are nuts!
Ida: What are you talking about?
Francis: Grandma, gifts aren't conditional; they're gifts! You give them to people because you love them. They're not something you can take away because of some petty slight. You're not teaching people anything, you haven't gotten back at them; they don't even know they've upset you. All you've done here is constructed a monument to your own insanity! WHAT KIND OF A PERSON DOES THAT?!
Ida: A lonely, bitter old woman [she sits down]
Francis: What?
Ida: Look what I've done. What use is all these things to me now? They could have brought someone some happiness; instead, they rot here. [Ida clutches her heart]
Francis: Grandma?
Ida: My heart...I think it's...melting! [Francis rolls his eyes; she's being sarcastic] Yes, it's melting! You've shown me the way, Francis, by yelling at me! Quick, go get my magic sled, and me and my reindeer will go and give Christmas to all the mean, stupid, rude people! We'll all join hands and sing songs and sprinkle the ingrates with fairy dust!

Ida:[searching for the musical Christmas Card Francis hid.] I'll cut off his hands and stick them up his kakushnick!

"Poker" [3.8][edit]

[At Francis' cabin in Alaska, a storm is blowing. Lavernia drops off a crate of supplies].
Lavernia: Weather report's right, this storm's gonna last a week. Now you ration these supplies, and make no mistake, you're the last ones we'll dig out!
Francis [incredulous]: We're supposed to survive a week on meat paste and caribou jerky!?
Lavernia: Hey, that's a week I don't get any work out of you! No use crying to me!

"Reese's Job" [3.9][edit]

Barton: Wow, an entire colony of Cryphonectria parasitica.
Richie: Hey, get your own pizza, Dewey.

"Lois's Makeover" [3.10][edit]

"Company Picnic (Part 1)" [3.11][edit]

"Company Picnic (Part 2)" [3.12][edit]

"Reese Drives" [3.13][edit]

[Hal and Francis are talking on the phone]
Hal: You've emancipated yourself, remember? You can't come running back to your parents for money at the first sign of trouble anymore!
Francis: I'm not running to my parents. I'm calling as one adult to another for an adult... loan.
Hal: No, no. You've made whatever mess you've made, and you take care of it.
Francis: I have been taking care of it! I already got Big Red to cut me the lumber in exchange for a pair of fur-lined boots. I got my friend Pete to make the boots, but only because I promised him a new set of teeth. And as you probably know, teeth don't come cheap! Now, that's where you come in-
[Hal hangs up]

Francis: [over pay phone] How many police cars are chasing you?
Reese: [over cell phone] I don't know; eight, maybe nine? What are we gonna do? There's no way out of this!
Francis: Hey, don't give up! Sometimes things look darkest right before the sun breaks loose-
[Five lumberjacks enter the room and stand behind Francis with their arms folded]
Francis: ...and sometimes you have to realize that the game is over, and that you've lost. The-
[Five more lumberjacks enter the room]
Francis: ...The only thing left to do is to stop running, stand up, and face the consequences like a man. And-
[Five more lumberjacks enter the room]
Francis: ...And even if the outcome is gonna be more horrible than you could possibly imagine, you can hold your head up high, show some class, and end it with dignity!
[Francis puts down the phone, swallows, and turns to face the lumberjacks]
Reese: Class...
Francis: [over the phone] FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! NOT THE STUMP ROOTER! NOOO!
[Reese hangs up]

"Cynthia's Back" [3.14][edit]

Dabney: Don't stick up for her, Malcolm. If I wanted this kind of abuse, I'd have a conversation with my Oboe Teacher!

Reese: I know what her name is and I am not going to dignify that with a response. And her name is...
[He fails to call out Cynthia's name and touches her breasts. Enraged she punches Reese in the face and he falls to the floor]

Francis: Look at us; we work like dogs all day, we drink, and then we work like hung-over dogs! Is this really how you pictured your life?
Eric: Ever since I was little.

[Francis discovers a drunk Artie and Pete taking a totem pole inside the cabin they share with him and Eric.]
Francis: You stole a totem pole?!
Sandy:[drunk] Stole? He asked us to take him with us.
Artie:[drunk] He hasn't shut up for an hour.

Francis: What is wrong with you?! You see a symbol of a world beyond scraping grease, and your first thought is "Let's profane it in our cabin?!"

[Francis is trying to make sense of a totem pole]
Francis: I've fasted, I've meditated, I got frostbite spending a night in the wilderness! I just wanna know what to do! What am I missing?! The wolf...that's loyalty. And the eagle...keen sight...insight! And the frog is...bug eating! WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?! Please just give me a sign, or a signal or something! [The door bursts open and an Inuit man steps in] Oh my God!
Inuit Man: You the dirtbag that took my pole?! That's my pole, I want it back!
Francis: Oh, of course. I'm sorry. Listen, I didn't take it but please, I'm going crazy; can you tell me what it means?
Inuit Man: Well, if I hit it, it means I'm five inches away from the back of my car port.
Francis: What? You use this as a wheel-stop? This beautiful, sacred thing?
Inuit Man: Sacred? It's a decoration, like a coat of arms or a story book. It's a pretty chunk of wood that my kids helped me carve on a nice Saturday afternoon.
Francis: But you can't tell me you can't feel the energy!
Inuit Man: You white boys are all the same. [sarcastic] I've got dark skin, so I must dance with the bears and listen to the spirits of the wind! [angry] I've got news for you, pal: I work for a living! I'm a Baptist and I'm proud of it! Oh, and I have only one word for snow...SNOW!

"Hal's Birthday" [3.15][edit]

Lois: Boys, would you leave the room a minute so your father and I can talk?
Dewey: NO!
Lois: Excuse me?
Dewey: I'm not leaving. You guys just chase us out whenever you want without even asking us. I'm getting tired of it! Watching TV is the only thing to do in this house that's actually fun. So you're left with two choices: you can either fight somewhere else, or get us a TV for our room.
[Later in the boys' bedroom, all three are stood in the corners, facing the wall]
Dewey: There's no reasoning with that woman!
Reese: I thought you made some good points.
Malcolm: It doesn't matter, she doesn't listen anyway. It's like talking to a wall.
Reese: [giggles] Hey, that's what we're doing!

Reese: So this is what a $24.00 hamburger looks like. I thought it would be as big as my head.
Dewey: Why don't we have a jacuzzi tub at home?
Malcolm: Because that would make us "happy."

[After the family learns Francis has gotten married]
Francis: Why can't you just be happy for us!?
Lois: We're supposed to be happy, when you repay us like this after all we've done for you!?

Lois: Congratulations. You outlasted his paper route.
Piama: Lady, you don't want to stick your hand in my face.

Piama: Admit it: you don't like me.
Lois: I don't even know you.
Piama: Well, what would you like to know? I'm 19, my mom left when I was seven, and my dad kicked me out after I threw out his liquor. I've been married once before - no kids, thank God - and last year I spent three weeks in jail, but it wasn't my fault...
Lois: Would you please stop this?

Piama: Just because I'm not all classy like you....
Lois: Classy? You think I'm classy?
Piama: Don't laugh at me.
Lois: I'm sorry, it's just....this is a first.

"Hal Coaches" [3.16][edit]

[Malcolm is going through Ed's undeleted emails with Reese and Stevie and learns about his affair with half of the women in their neighborhood.]
Malcolm: Here's one from old Mrs. Swanbeck.
Stevie: Open the picture attachment.
[Malcolm opens the picture attachment and he is disgusted along with Reese and Stevie.]

[Ed has just learned about Reese reading his undeleted emails from his affair with the other women.]
Ed: Oh my god, how much do you know?
Reese: Everything. You might want to formulate your megabytes next time you get rid of your computer. Oh, and by the way, Mrs. Swanbeck, You are sick!"
Ed: "Keep your voice down."

Stevie: You have to stop this?
Malcolm: Stupid game This is ridiculous!, Everybody in my family is, like, perfect. My mom is President, Reese is married to six supermodels and my dad used all his money to fund a search for extra-terrestrials. Nothing I do has any effect whatsoever. If I give them money, if I take it away if I make them ugly, if I make them Canadian everything works out beautifully for them and horrible for me!
Stevie: Dewey just became Pope.
Malcolm: And I weigh 500 pounds. Thats it I'm just going to have to kill them. Go to counter, get knife, kill them. No! Don't make yourself a sandwich! Kill! Kill! No, not yourself! Don't kill. Don't kill.

"Dewey's Dog" [3.17][edit]

[Craig witnesses Dewey holding Malcolm and Reese at dogpoint, and Dewey locks him in the house]
Dewey: I am sorry you had to see this.

[After remembering what Eric said, Francis found Spangler another job at the Snow Haven Retirement Home. He's seen in civilian clothing, criticizing an art piece belonging to an elderly woman named Mrs. Meekitjuk.]
Spangler: You call that a collage. It is an insult to the craft, I can see paste coming up over the top of the popsicle stick.
Mrs. Meekitjuk: I'm sorry, I have arthritis.
Spangler: That's it, you have just lost pudding for the whole group. Feel free to thank Mrs. Meektijuk after I leave.
[the former Commandant Spangler leaves and the other eldery residents starts despising him the same way Francis and Eric did at Marlin Academy.]

[At the hospital, a sick Hal and Lois are on gurneys next to each other as an orderly is standing in between them, reading Hal's wedding vows.]
Orderly: You are my day, my night, the sun in my sky. You're the Duran to my Duran.
Lois:[touched, while sick] Oh Hal.
Orderly: Her name is Lois and she dances on the sand.

[Lois comes in the kitchen and catches Dewey eating a meal that Reese cooked for her and Hal. Later on Hal is home confronting him]
Hal: I don't understand, an entire roast gone, with your bare hands. The salad, the potatoes, the green beans. What do you have to say for yourself?
Dewey: I was hungry, I guess.
Reese: This is great. Let's tell them about the dog and really nail his coffin shut.
Malcolm: Not yet. I have a hunch.
Hal: An entire stick of Butter?!
Reese: Now, lets tell them now.
Malcolm: Wait for it.
Hal: Wait a sec. How could you eat a candle?
Dewey:[Takes candle stick from Hal's hand and eats it.] I like candles. i think they're good.
[Lois is disgusted with him.]
Hal: That's it, you are going to the hospital and having your stomach pumped.
{At the Hospital}
Hal: all right, Dewey. This is the end. You and your Brothers are now in the Red Zone
Dewey: but dad=
Hal: Red Zone, mister. Now tomorrow night, I am taking your mother out on an emergency date. It will be a beautiful, romantic, magical evening that we need very badly and nothing is going to derail it on penality of death.

Hal: Oh Come on, that guy is the biggest faker in the world. Last time he was out with the flu, we saw him jumping up and down on the windows of the Today Show.
Craig:[Sick] That doesn't mean I wasn't sick. You didn't happen to tape that, did ya. I set my timer wrong.

"Poker #2" [3.18][edit]

[After Malcolm's half-assed efforts to destroy a gun nearly end in a shooting]
Cop: So let me see; you found the gun, didn't tell your father, handled it, hid it inside the house, handled it again to move it and tried to destroy it with a hacksaw. And at no point did you contact the police until after the gun went off?
Malcolm: Yes.
Cop: What did you say your I.Q. was?!

"Clip Show" [3.19][edit]

Dewey: Can I have a piece of candy?
Psychiatrist: No.

"Jury Duty" [3.20][edit]

Artie: I may be fat, stupid, color blind, and dyslexic, but at least I don't have three nipples.
Eric: Shut your trap, that's a mole. (to Pete) And you, your family changed their name so you couldn't track them down, no one will miss you.
Pete: I'm pretty sure it starts with an O.
Francis: All three of you are useless, pea-brained idiots. And for your information, I do suffer more than everybody else.

"Cliques" [3.21][edit]

Lois: Those dominoes are keeping Dewey from driving me crazy. And if they get knocked over, I will blame you. If a door slams shut and knocks them over, I will blame you. If there is an earthquake, I will blame you. If a condor dies in flight and crashes through our roof and knocks them over, I will blame you.
Reese: But that's not fair.

Lloyd: Abandon all hope, ye who enter here...
Goth Leader: Is that from a Ministry album?
Lloyd: It's from Dante's Inferno. It's engraved on the Gates of Hell.
Goth Leader: Whoa! That's wayyyyy dark.

"Monkey" [3.22][edit]

TV: " break free of the atmosphere, a rocket must attain speeds of 25,000 miles per hour."
Reese: Bull! If they went that fast they'd be squashed in the back of their seats! They wouldn't float around!
Malcolm: You're confusing acceleration with velocity. You feel it at first, but once you're up to speed, you don't notice. Right now we're on a planet spinning at 1,000 miles per hour. We're also travelling around the sun at almost 67,000 miles per hour. The solar system is hurtling through the galaxy which is hurtling away from other galaxies cos the universe is expanding.
[Reese nervously clutches the arm of the sofa.]
Dewey: Wheeeeee!

[as Lois is scaling the tree trying to catch Reese]
Reese: Officer in need of assistance! Repeat, officer in need of assistance!

[At the Alaskan logging camp]
Lavernia: Okay, everyone clear out, you're all fired!
Francis: What?!
Lavernia: Camp's closing; they cut down the last tree today. The mining company bought the land; you've gotta be out of here by the end of today.
Francis: We're just out like that without notice?!
Lavernia: This is the circle of life up here! First, they cut down the trees. Then the mining company strips the land. Then with any luck at all, they turn whatever's left into a nuclear waste dump. It's the only way we're gonna wean ourselves off our unhealthy dependence on foreign oil!

Season 4[edit]

"Zoo" [4.1][edit]

Walkie-talkie: Hey, are the two boys still stuck in the tiger pit?
[Panic washes over the crowd]
Zookeeper: Uh, no, I must be picking up a transmission the zoo down the street!
Hal: Malcolm and Reese?
Lois: Malcolm and Dewey. Reese wouldn't last thirty seconds.

Malcolm: If nothing I ever do has any meaning, then I can't care about anything, which makes me feel even worse! How am I supposed to be happy?
Clown: Kid, I'm a zoo clown. Now buy a giraffe, or go to hell.
Malcolm: See Dewey, there's a guy who understands.
Dewey: Malcolm, you're at the zoo. You have a Popsicle. How could you be unhappy?
Malcolm: I wanted grape.

[Murray has invited Francis to scam Otto's money for all it's worth]
Francis: I think you're fired. (grabs a horse harness) Now I have to figure out if this is for me or the horse?!

"Humilithon" [4.2][edit]

Reese: [to Malcolm] STOP! I won't let you do this! I would rather die than be left alone with Mom!
Malcolm: Get out of the way!
Reese: NO! You can run me over, I don't care!
[Malcolm revs the car's engine, Reese screams and jumps aside.]

"Family Reunion" [4.3][edit]

Hal: Hi, Claire... [covers the phone] It's my sister, I'm going to hang up on her.

[Lois is crying in a closet after being tricked into being absent for the family's group photo. Without a word, Francis, Reese, Malcolm and Dewey march out of the room.]
Piama: What are you going to do?
Francis: We don't know. We never know.

Lois: I am so very disappointed in all of you. I don't care what those people did, that was no way for you to behave. Right, Hal?
Hal: Yeah, you boys are on notice. If you ever drive a golf cart over a catered dinner and into a swimming pool again, there will be consequences. Dire consequences.

"Stupid Girl" [4.4][edit]

Stevie: My bad!

Stevie: What you get... for problem 17.
Malcolm: I drew a tank.
Stevie: What's wrong with you? For two days you been acting like an idiot.
Malcolm: No for two days, I've been like someone who's been happy and relaxed.
Stevie: You're... turning... into Reese.

"Forwards Backwards" [4.5][edit]

Malcolm: Wake up.
Reese: What do you want?
Malcolm: I just want you to know you're not getting last licks.
Reese: Huh?
Malcolm: I'm sick of you always having an edge just because you're an idiot and I'm smart and I'm concerned about consequences. I can be just as vicious and shortsighted as you.
Reese: Oh, yeah, I'm really scared. Why don't you just- [registers that his arm is glued to his forehead] Gaa! What'd you do?
Malcolm: I sank to your level. And I have to say, it feels good.

[Malcolm and Reese speed towards each other head-on in go-karts]
Malcolm: [side] This is a game of chicken Reese is not gonna win! I'm too angry to blink! When he sees my face, he's gonna know he doesn't have a chance!
Reese: [singing] He's off and flying as he guns the car around the track / Slamming down the pedal like he's never coming back / Adventure's waiting just ahead!
Malcolm: [side] He'll stop! I know he'll stop! ...maybe this wasn't such a good—
[From a distance, a ball of smoke is seen rising from the track as they collide]

[A furious Hal and Lois are forced to miss Dewey's play by having to pick up an injured Reese and Malcolm from the hospital.]
Lois: I should've told the doctor to sew furs and tails on you boys because you're animals! Only animals are easier because then I can have you FIXED!
Hal: For all the good it does, you're grounded again.
Malcolm: Thanks a lot for getting me grounded on my birthday!
Reese: Oh boo hoo, I was grounded on my birthday!
Malcolm: I was just standing up for myself! There is such a thing as justice, you know?!
Reese: Well, there is such a thing as "Shut up"-!
Lois: Stop it. Malcolm, do you remember what you did for your birthday last year?
Malcolm: Nothing. I was grounded then, too.
Lois:(to Reese) And what about your birthday?
Reese: You grounded me after I smashed Malcolm's face into the cake.
Lois: And your birthday before that?
Malcolm: Pretty much this.
Reese: (to Malcolm) Wait. When did you push me off the pony?

Hal: All right, two scoops, fudge ripple. Now are we going to the comic book store?
Craig: (imitating Yoda) Patience, Luke. You are reckless.
Hal: We've gone to he beach, we've gone to the movies. I won you an animal at the church bazaar. We've gone out for coffee, lunch, Slushees, pie.
Craig: I can't negotiate unless I'm firing on all cylinders.
Hal: Just how many cylinders do you have?

Craig:[pushes the doors open in a heroic fashion.] Not so fast!
Dean: This transaction does not concern you, Feldspar.
Bob: That's Craig Feldspar, he's a level 45 Dungeon Master.
Craig:(confronting Dean for attempting to sell Hal a $50 mark up of a bad comic book) What cereal box did you shake this out of, Dean?
Dean: It's the first print, totally collectible.
Craig: Oh, should we check the Overstreet? Wait, we don't have to! 1997: First and only printing. 50,000 returns all in circulation. I keep this in my bathroom, but not for reading. This isn't a comic book store, it's a novelty shop!

[Malcolm goes after Reese out of vengeance for stealing his money.]
Stevie: "They'll try an adult!"

[Craig has just thrown coffee on the 'rare' comic book of Spiderman]
Ricky: What are you doing?
Craig: Fear not. It was the 1993 re-print. If it had been an original, he would've thrown himself in front of it.
Ricky:[he and Bob are betrayed by Dean] Dude, you told me that was real.
Craig: Now, let's talk business.

[Flashback at the end Reese has a blueberry on his plate.]
Reese: Don't eat that blueberry, I'm saving it!
[Malcolm eats the blueberry.]
Malcolm:[last line] What's the worst that could happen?

[Hal has finally pulled his car over to let Craig out of his car. He has gathered up his stuff.]
Craig: You are going to have to learn to get along without Craig Feldspar.

[Hal comes into bed with Lois]
Lois: How did comic book shopping go?
Hal: Bad, I'm just out of my depth. Look, I know it wouldn't come to this, but you know what we must do!
Lois:[knowing what it means] No, we promised ourselves we wouldn't.
Hal: What other choice do we have?

"Forbidden Girlfriend" [4.6][edit]

Reese: It can't be money day. There is no money day. I would know about it if there was a money day. Unless....maybe Mom and Dad don't want me knowing about money day.
Billy: (raking leaves around a perplexed Reese) Excuse me.
Reese: Beat kid, I'm trying to figure something out.
[Sure enough, Reese figure the whole thing out and quickly comes home to confront Dewey.]

Dewey: He's my evil twin?
Reese: Fat chance. The guy's a saint. You're his evil twin.
Dewey: But I don't want to be an evil twin!
Reese: I don't make the rules, Dewey.

Dewey: I don't want to do this.
Reese: If you don't do it, I'm going to tell Mom about you taking all that money. And you're going to get a 'Me' punishment.
[Dewey reluctantly fills Ira's car up with cement as the latter comes outside.]
Ira: Hey, what are you doing to my car?
[Dewey runs and Reese is seen in disguise.]
Reese: Yeah, you better run, Billy Prescott, all the way to 1515 Cypress St. A block west from Halifax.
[Later on, cops are at the Prescott house and Ira is seen blaming his younger brother(whom he believes is Dewey) for putting cement in his car.]
Ira: That's him.
[Their mother watches on in embarrassment and Reese is seen pleased by this.]

[Reese comes in and Billy is seen doing Dewey's homework. Believing him to be Dewey, Reese doesn't think anything is awry.]
Reese: Man, filling up that guy's car up with cement is pure genius. With Billy Prescott as our fall guy, we can do anything. Now, I've updated my enemies list. Dewey. Dewey, I'm talking to you.
[Reese is in the shock of his life when he turns "Dewey" around and he sees Billy. Dewey comes out of the closet and he realizes that he's in trouble.]
Dewey:[calling out to someone in the closet] Fair enough.
[Reese is fearful when the person comes out of the closet and reveals himself as Ira Prescott. He gleefully comes out of the closet behind Dewey and faces Reese with revenge in mind.]
Ira: Oh, yeah!
Reese: Ok, I know what you're thinking. But the thing you don't realize is that I'm not the real Reese. [Ira is smart not to believe him and advances towards him] I just look like me... I mean him... If you hurt us... I mean him....
[He realizes that Ira doesn't believe a word coming out of his mouth.]
Reese: Oh, go ahead.
[Ira beats up Reese in revenge for his actions in both ruining his car and using Billy to take the blame. Dewey watches on smug at this.]

"Malcolm Holds his Tongue" [4.7][edit]

[After Malcolm suppresses his anger too long and ends up in hospital]
Lois: [incredulous] A peptic ulcer!? How did you manage to get a peptic ulcer!? The doctor said you had the stomach lining of a 60-year old air traffic controller! You are a teenager, for God's sake; what do you have to be stressed about!?
Malcolm: [finally loses his cool] For your information, I just spent the past 3 hours on a gurney next to a guy who was still trying to smoke out of the hole in his neck! And the jackass who put in this IV couldn't find a vein with two hands and a flashlight! My call button doesn't work! These stupid sheets are itchy! There's only one channel on the TV, and what's this about a bedpan...!

Reese: Hey, Mom! I grew an inch!

Hal: (points to the TV screen) Dewey, do you see that? That's air. That's air!
Dewey: That's it! I'm gonna read a book! I hope you're happy!

Reese (to Craig): Look who I'm talking to. You're a single, 40-year-old man with a cat. I bet you know all about the current music scene.

Alison [to Reese]: You're the one who had his license taken away!
Reese: Because my public defender wouldn't even try the insanity defense.

Reese: Craig! Craig! You just passed the concert.
Craig: Oh, no, I don't think so.
Alison: But there was a sign with an arrow and we're supposed to follow the pointy end!

Coach: How could we be losing against a team that hasn't won a game in three years?!
Malcolm (to himself): Maybe it's because you're a complete moron! You know I can shoot! Why won't you put me in?!

Lois: Malcolm! (enters from the bathroom) How many times do I have to tell you to hang your towel up after you used it?! Is that so hard? Because if it is, maybe I could take your towel away. And the next time you take a shower, you can run around the back yard until you're dry.
Malcolm: (to himself) Gee, Mom, wouldn't the front yard be more humiliating?! (in reality) I'm Sorry.

Coach: Malcolm, do you think you could follow my game plan?
Coach: All right, get in there.
Malcolm: Thanks. (blood comes out of his mouth and it spits on the coach's shirt)

Reese: Craig! You are ruining our date!
Craig:[pulls over, slams on the brakes and looks back at Reese & Alison.] Now listen here! Do you know how long I have dreamed and planned for this night? 34 YEARS AND I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU LITTLE BRATS RUIN IT!!! We're gonna have a hayride, dinner, and a bonfire and it will be a magical evening that will live in our hearts FOREVER!!!
Alison: What's that on your glasses?
Craig:[takes his glasses off] What? (Alison pepper sprays Craig's eyes with a can of mace) Ahhhhhh!!!!! Reese, you said she would be nice to me!!!! You said she'd like me!!!!
[Alison is shocked and looks at Reese. She unfastens her seatbealt and quickly gets out of the car]
Reese: Yeah, let's ditch this loser.
[Alison positions the can of mace on Reese too, implying that she will spray him next if he doesn't let her go her own way. Reese smiles nervously.]
Reese: Okay, see you in school.
[Alison closes the door and attends the concert alone, while Reese is forced to spend the rest of his evening with Craig]

Craig: This is great, isn't it? Alison's nice, but I have to say I think a date's better with just two people.
Reese: Can we stop calling this a date?
Craig: Well, whatever it is, I can't wait to see the look on my neighbor's face when I come strolling home past eleven. Eat your heart out, Mrs. Clevasol.
Reese: I think I missed my curfew.
Craig: There are no curfews on a night like tonight. [grabs a ukelele and starts singing.] Here I am, the one that you love, asking for another chance. Understand the one that you love, loves you in so many ways...

"Boys at Ranch" [4.8][edit]

[Reese, Malcolm, and Dewey are preparing to go out on ATVs.]
Malcolm: All-terrain... I wonder if that really means ALL terrain.
Reese: They couldn't say it if it wasn't true.
[Later, Dewey's ATV is crashed upside down on a tree, with Dewey hanging from a branch.]
Reese: Okay, so trees aren't terrain. Now we know.
Francis: [shouting after they destroyed the ATVS]You stay away from the horses, the vehicles, and the ATV's! That means go to your rooms until further notice. [ the boys are horrified to see their brother acting like an adult]

[Francis, Reese, and Malcolm are watching fireworks.]
Reese: How do we know which one is the Komodo 3000?
[Night turns to day for five seconds as the boys stare in silence, then reverts to night. All shouting:]
Malcolm: Let's hope that was it!
Francis: Did it say when our vision would come back?
Reese: Box said two days.
Francis: Totally worth it!

"Grandma Sues" [4.9][edit]

Francis: Why don't we just kill the old hag?
Lois: Oh, stop it right now! And no one tells the boys about any of this.
Hal: You mean about killing her?
Lois: No, about the lawsuit.

[Lois and Hal just discovered she's pregnant.]
Hal: Are you as turned on as I am?

[Lois and Hal have just told Ida about the pregnancy in the hope she won't sue]
Hal: Don't you think certain actions should be reconsidered?
Ida: Yes, yes of course. [Hal and Lois sigh in relief] You should settle.
Hal: What?!
Lois: Mom!
Ida: It's for your own good. If you can't keep your legs closed for 20 minutes, at least take good advice when you hear it!

Ida: Where are you going?
Ida's Lawyer: I'm outta here. They have no insurance; what, you think I'm going to take 40% of this run-down dump of a house?!
Ida: 30% and yes!
Ida's Lawyer: Let me explain something to you; this house would fit in my house's garage, but then I'd have to park my Porsche in the driveway! Now I don't mind tossing innocent people out on the street, I just don't do it for free!

"If Boys Were Girls" [4.10][edit]

[Daisy and Renee encourage Mallory to open up about the pen.]
Mallory: This boy dropped it in Biology Class. He chewed on it a little.
Renee: Oh, I am so sorry. I should've known that. I hate being dumb! If I didn't grow such great hair, my head would be useless.

Reese: Why don't you just die?!
Malcolm: Give me my pen! I'm warning you!
Reese: Ooh, I'm scared. What are you going to do? What's the baby gonna do?
[Malcolm decks Reese with a punch.]
[Hal, Malcolm and Dewey stand over Reese, out cold on the floor.]
Hal: [astounded] Malcolm, you can take Reese?

Hal: [Interrupting Lois' nice fantasy with her imaginary daughters] Damn it, that's enough! Now we are going shopping and that is it!
[Reese, Malcolm, and Dewey continues complaining as Hal drives them to the mall.]

Lois: Girls, don't do this. You're supposed to be easy.
Mallory: No, Mom. You're easy.
Daisy: We can fool you about anything. We're girls, we know how you think and we're not above using it.

"Long Drive" [4.11][edit]

[Reese enters the house, talking loudly to disguise the fact he's being chased by the cops]
Lois: [resigned] I'll make coffee.
Hal: [looks out the window] It's Hanson; make it decaf. [waves to the cops]

Dewey: Why do I have to be here? Why can't I go snowboarding with Reese?
Hal: Reese isn't snowboarding, that's just a lie mommy and daddy told you. Reese is in jail.
Dewey: [perks up] For how long?
Hal: A couple of hours.

[A tall and muscular inmate shows up in chains.]
Warden: This is Samuel. I would tell you what he's in for, but it's against the law for me to say it to minors.

Samuel: 'Cause in prison you got to make your own fun. When they're tossing punk kids like you and you. Whoooo, it's like Christmas for me. If you displease me, I will not hesitate to grab you by your pretty little neck. Just squeeze until your eyeballs bulge out of your head and pop them with a fork.
[Reese laughs, catching the attention of Samuel]
Samuel: You think that's funny?!
Reese I thought you were trying to be funny.
Samuel: So I got me a volunteer, huh. Well let me tell you cupcakes, of WHAT YOUR FIRST DAY OF BEING HERE GONNA BE LIKE?!
[A few minutes later Reese is seen scared.]
Samuel: And don't expect no flowers afterwards.

"Kicked Out" [4.12][edit]

Malcolm: It's so weird at my house. Nobody ever answers the phone and my brothers are seeing who can go the longest without changing their underwear. I never thought I'd miss my mom. (pauses) I still don't, but I'm getting there.

Malcolm: What kind of father are you, you're nothing but a joke and you're weak.
Reese: You still think Mom's coming back, after the way you screwed things up? Dewey, what do you think you're doing? I'm lighting Dad on fire!
Dewey: No way! I get to do it!
Malcolm: We'll all do it.

Hal: Malcolm can take care of himself.
Craig: You're right. He's a genius ... which would make him attractive to rogue elements in our secret weapons programs. How long before some government scientist picks him up and surgically attaches him to some animal?

Hal: STOP! NOW WE ARE AT ZERO TOLERANCE NOW! DO YOU HEAR ME?! ZERO TOLERANCE! You boys have got to learn to behave! From now on--
Craig Who wants more mac and cheese? [the boys get up from the table]
Hal [hitting his hands on the table in anger] THAT IS IT! SIT DOWN! [the boys return to the table with Craig] JUST BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER ISN'T HERE DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN MISBEHAVE! Now, when I say zero tolerance, I mean zero tolerance! Tolerance to the zero degree! I'm talking zip, nothing, zilch! IN TERMS OF TOLERANCE!

"Stereo Store" [4.13][edit]

Reese: What do we need a babysitter for?
Hal: Because I want the house to be where I left it.

Dewey: I want a sundae and then some pizza, and then another pizza and another pizza sundae.

Reese: Don't step on the floor! Jessica said if I scrub the floor, she'd tell me how far Alison is willing to go with me.

Malcolm: Dewey, what are you eating?
Dewey: Carrot sticks. Jessica says we have to eat healthier. I don't know what company makes this, but I hate it.

"Hal's Friend" [4.14][edit]

Dabney: I know you think I'm a mama's boy.
Malcolm: No, mama's boys are laughing at you... with their mothers.

Reese: (mocking Lois) Don't forget to sweep the leaves from my roof because I'm a mean old lady. Who cares if it's wet and slippery, the roof has to be clean because I'm stupid.

"Garage Sale" [4.15][edit]

Dewey: Malcolm, in school we learned the coolest thing: there were these people that did this broadcast to convince everyone that aliens were landing. So what we do is wait for Reese to fall asleep, then we flash some lights outside his window then we go to the TV, but we'll have already made a tape...
Malcolm: Dewey, you're totally over-thinking this. Reese, aliens landed down the street!
Reese: [Runs in wearing a helmet and carrying a bat] Every man for himself! [runs out]
Dewey: Oh.

Craig: [after being pulled over. He gets on the ground] I'm cooperating! I never met this man before! I hated the constitution! I hate free speech! I'll snitch! I know nothing!
[Hal continues running as the FBI closes in on him.]

Lois: [After realizing that Malcolm was telling the truth and sees Reese destroy the computer intentionally] That money isn't yours. He was going to rebuild our bedroom wall.
Reese: But you said I was in charge. That means I get the money.
Lois: No, it doesn't.
Reese: Then, why the hell do I want to be in charge?
Lois: Reese, this is helping you become a better person by building your self-esteem. Which you are obviously going to need if you are STUPID ENOUGH TO THROW AWAY $1300 THIS FAMILY DESPERATELY NEEDS!

Lois: [hugging Hal] Please just say it again. I really need to hear it.
Hal: Okay. Reese is... hopeless.
Lois: Thank you.

"Academic Octathlon" [4.16][edit]

Lois: Look, Reese. Some people are born book-smart. Others are born crafty and street-smart. You, I'm afraid, are neither.

Lloyd (to Herkabe): Sir, my mom said I am suppose to take a 2-hour nap on the bus or I'll get cranky.

Hal: [to Dewey] Now say I love you!
Dewey: I love you.
Hal: Now say it with feeling!
Dewey: [with feeling] I love you.
Hal: Now say it without me telling you to!

Malcolm: [to Herkabe] Do you want me to cheat?
Herkabe: Let's just call it "success advantaging."

Lois: [to Malcolm] I cannot wait until I'm old and senile. I'm going to be hooked up to life support in your attic, running you ragged with crazy old-person demands. I am going to cling to life for years just to make you suffer!
Malcolm:[not caring] Fine, but I'm not staying here!
[As Lois starts driving away, Malcolm catches a kid with a rival school and discovers he played him for a fool. The kid ties to hide]
Malcolm: You son of a... Stop the car. I'm staying. I will not be played like that. You can punish me when I get home.
Lois: Deal!

"Clip Show #2" [4.17][edit]

Lois: What makes you think I am going to die first?
Hal: Honey, you have that kind of personality. You operate at a very high level of stress.
[Flashbacks show Lois blowing up.]

[Lois puts down a box containing papers of a will she wants to write for the family.]
Hal: Why do we have to do this in the middle of the night anyway?
Lois: I will not have the boys see up writing a will. If they start thinking about a future without us, we'll totally lose control.
Hal: I'm telling you Lois, we are not equip to deal with these issues. We get into a giant, stupid fight every time we work on the will.
Lois: Hal, the last time we tried this was 10 years ago.
Hal: And it lead to a fight. You called me thin skinned and overly sensitive.

"Reese's Party" [4.18][edit]

Reese: Have fun in school today, suckers! I'll send ya a postcard from Whitehorse.
Malcolm: Reese, figure it out. It takes 26 hours to get to Canada and 26 hours to get back. Your backpack is full of food, and no one ever called Grandma.
Reese: [thinks] Wait a minute! I'm spending the entire weekend on this bus?
[Malcolm and Dewey waves farewell to Reese as the bus drives off.]

Donnie's Mom: DONNIE!
[Donnie is taken by surprise when his mother appears before him next to Dewey.]
Donnie: Mom, wha... what are you doing here?
Donnie's Mom: Trying to hide how ashamed I am at your behavior and wondering where I went wrong.
Donnie: Mom, come on.
Donnie's Mom: Your father and I tried to give you the best life possible and this is how we're paid back.
Donnie: Mom, you don't own me. I make my own decisions.
Donnie's Mom: These are the decisions you make. This is the life you choose. Who's covering your shift at the Suit Outlet.
Dave:[smug] Dude, you are so busted!!!!
[Dave starts laughing shortly until his mother arrives. Francis, Reese and Malcolm are smug watching the whole thing.]
Dave's Mom: Don't you be so smug, David Alan Ferguson. Believe me, every one of your step-fathers with hear about this.
Donnie's Mom: You say good-bye to your friends and you get in the car, RIGHT NOW!!!
[Donnie and Dave leaves with their mothers. The gang is so embarrassed and bail out of the garage fearing their own mothers will appear.]
Dewey: It feels so good to tell.
[Francis, Reese and Malcolm are grateful to Dewey for his actions in telling on Donnie and his gang to their mothers.]

"Future Malcolm" [4.19][edit]

"Baby (Part 1)" [4.20][edit]

Lois: Ow! The baby just started kicking like crazy. It's almost like something was upsetting...[looks up and sees Ida at the window] Mom!
Ida: Are you gonna open the door?! Or should I lie down on the grass and feed the worms?!
Francis: Oh, great. Who opened the Gates of Hell?

[After Ida declares her intention to move in]
Francis: This is ridiculous! You have a condo, it's nicer than this house!
Ida: It burned down.
Lois: Mom, you can't - How did your house burn down?
Francis: It was the villagers, wasn't it?
[Ida flicks a lit cigarette onto the couch]
Ida: It's a mystery.

[Abe is seen at the house, in the kitchen]
Abe: So what can I do for you today?
Lois: Well you see, it has something to do with my mother.
Abe: I know mothers. She always brings that pecan pie with real whipped cream and she knows that's my one and only weakness.
Francis: Well our grandma is like that, except (darkly) she's a wrinkled sack of hate kept alive by the will to destroy.

Dewey: [on a microphone] Hello, my name is Dewey. The man with the balloon is my father, Hal.
Hal: [in a spotlight] Dewey?
Dewey: I'm the youngest of four kids, and I always get the short end of everything. I've never had a hot shower or a bed to myself. I'm the third person to wear this underwear. And yet, I've never complained.
Hal: Dewey, what is this about?
Dewey: Even when my parents decided to have another baby. And they told me they're inducing labor. And they picked a really interesting day to do it. Do you remember what day you picked, Dad?
Hal: Dewey?
Dewey: [echoing] What day did you pick, Dad?
Hal: It's Thursday! Just come down from wherever you are!
Dewey: Of all the days you could've picked, you chose this Thursday. Anything interesting about Thursday, Dad?
Hal: Will you stop this?!
Dewey: Anything at all you could think of that might be happening this Thursday?
Hal: Okay, Dewey, what is the big deal about Thursday?
Dewey: [echoing] It's. My. Birthday.
[The listening crowd is shocked in disgust]
Hal: It is not your... [counts the days on his hand and realizes Dewey is right] Oh, God!
Dewey: Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's the story of a little boy who lost his birthday. If you have any thoughts or comments, my dad would love to hear them.

Lois: [Walking and speaking in pain] Francis, I need you to listen very carefully. I'm having contractions. I'm going into labor!
Francis: What?
Lois: I have to got to get to the hospital, and you have to get your grandmother out of here now!
Piama: [Ida walks by with several large suitcases] Come on Ida, let me help you.
Ida: Don't you have Rain Dance to do?
Lois: Bye Mom, great to see you, have a safe trip! Don't forget to call us when you get to (screeching) wherever! [Lois' water breaks, and everyone gasps]
Ida: Maybe I stay few more minutes.

"Baby (Part 2)" [4.21][edit]

Paramedic: I told you we shouldn't have stopped for coffee.

"Day Care" [4.22][edit]

Dewey: Like Pastor Roy said, how God is so much bigger and wiser than us, and trying to see what He's thinking would be like an ant trying to see what I'm thinking.
Teacher: Yes, exactly. But we can trust in His wisdom, and have faith that He is watching over us.
Dewey: Like me with the anthill in my backyard. I spent days watching the ants, trying to figure out which ones were good, and which ones were bad, but they all just looked like ants, so I started smiting all of them.
Teacher: Well that's not...
Dewey: I was smiting them with the garden hose, and with lighter fluid, and with the lawnmower, and to be perfectly honest, I think I went a little crazy with the shovel. Those ants could have been praying to me all day, I wouldn't have heard them. There was nothing they could do about it.
Teacher: But, I don't think...
Dewey: Really, it's the same with us. There's nothing we can do about anything either, so why worry about it? Hey, this is making me feel better.
Teacher: Well, that's...good, but...
Dewey: I guess all we can do is live our lives with as much kindness and decency as possible, and try not to dwell on God standing over us with a giant shovel. Bye!
[Leaves Teacher wondering, and looking up worrying about God's "giant shovel"]

Reese: [singing to the tune of "Amazing Grace"]
Amazing race, how sweet the taste
That saved a wrench for me.
I once was in the lost and found,
Was blind, but found my keys.

[Francis and a rival member from another ranch are arrested by the government.]
Agent: The United States Government is not happy with the level of interest you created in this sector.
Francis: But what's the harm in pretending I'm from another planet? I mean all that stuff of UFOs about abductions and cavity probes, that's all made up, right.
Agent:[looks at his partner for a second] Yes, there are no aliens, but there are cavity probes.

[At night near the sign of the Grotto Dude Ranch and a Rival dude ranch, Francis is wearing a glow in the dark costume which he's using a flashlight to make it glow. Once ready, comes out to pretend to be an alien until a ranch member from a rival dude ranch shows up with the same idea.]
Francis: What are you doing here?
Man: What does it look like?
Francis: What kind of alien are you? You don't even glow in the dark. Get out of here
Man:[Fights with Francis] You get out of here.
[Their fight continues until a unknown car pulls up with heavy lights to bust Francis and the rival rancher from another ranch.]

Season 5[edit]

"Vegas" [5.1][edit]

"Watching the Baby" [5.2][edit]

Kathy: [through crocodile tears] Do you guys want to go out on a date with us?
Stevie Kenarban: You pray... and you pray... and finally... it happens.
[Stevie takes a hit from his inhaler, then from his breath spray]
Malcolm: What do you mean, 'go out'? When? Where?
Joanne: Right now. With us. In that.
Reese: [the boys rush to the window and see a stretch limousine] Oh my God. I bet it has a toilet! Dibs!
Joanne: [later in the limo] OK, so here's the deal, freaks. Our boyfriends left us in the middle of the Fall Formal to go to some stupid party... So now we're gonna go to this party and make out with you guys in front of those inconsiderate jerks.
Malcolm: You want to make them jealous?
Joanne: No, we want to make them puke! See, once they see us kissing losers like you guys, they're never gonna live it down.
Malcolm: You came over to our house and asked us out because we were the most disgusting guys you could find?
Limo Driver: Actually, some kid with a hunch back and gills turned them down. Said he had too much pride.

Reese: These girls want to fool around with us.
Malcolm: Only because we're losers.
Reese: Hey. We're riding in a limo we didn't pay for. We're about to make out with hot girls who don't even like us. I don't know what we are, but we are not losers.
Malcolm: Have you even thought about where this is going? Her boyfriend is Aaron Stepanovich. If he sees you kissing his girlfriend, he's gonna kill you!
Reese: I know.
Malcolm: Then why are you...
Reese: Because anything's better than the way things are now! Look, I've had this cute lab partner in science for eight weeks now. Her name is Cheryl. I finally left Cheryl a note on her desk asking her out. And when she read it, she turned to me and said: "Do you know who Reese is?" So then she goes, "Does ANYBODY know who Reese is?", and everybody shrugged. So then I said, "Probably some nobody". And you know what? I was right.
Limo Driver: Wow, that's awful, kid. You want to wear my hat?
Reese: So tonight, I'm gonna fix that. From now on, when I walk by, people are gonna say, "What happened to that guy's face?". And someone's gonna say, "That's Reese. He made out with Aaron Stepanovich's girlfriend." And that I can live with.

"Goodbye Kitty" [5.3][edit]

Francis: Don't worry Paintcan, it'll all be over soon.

"Thanksgiving" [5.4][edit]

Reese: The Monkfish!! [searches drawer] Where are the oven mitts?
Piama: Do you want me to look?
Reese: No, keep stirring. No place mats, no tea towels. I need something.
Piama: I'll get a towel from the bathroom.
Reese: No, there's not enough time. It has to come out at exactly 5:38. Not 5:37, not 5:39.
Piama: Well, what are you gonna do?
Reese: There's only one thing I can do. [walks over to oven and opens it
Piama: Reese, nooooo!!!
Reese: Yes! [grabs Monkfish with his bare hands and screams and pulls it out] Make me a space!!
Piama: Where?!?
Reese: Move the oven mitts! [Piama moves the oven mits and Reese sets the Monkfish on the table and shakes his hands.]

"Malcolm Films Reese" [5.5][edit]

"Malcolm's Job" [5.6][edit]

"Christmas Trees" [5.7][edit]

Malcolm: We'll be profitable once we sell tree 67.
Reese: Cool. Why don't we just sell that tree first?

"Block Party" [5.8][edit]

Hal: Communities seek out a common enemy. If it wasn't us, they'd all team up against someone else. Probably a minority.

"Dirty Magazine" [5.9][edit]

Malcolm: (explaining the school magazine's editorial policy) Nothing gets rejected. It doesn't matter how self-involved or boring or childish or stupid or painful it is. If it can be stapled, it's in.

Lois: (to Malcolm) The principal of your school called. He said you filed a lawsuit so you could destroy the school.
Malcolm: That's a total lie. All I want to do is publish a magazine full of dirty words.

Hal: (to Lois) You can make me flirt with this beautiful woman, but you can't make me like it.
Lois: I can make you do anything I want.

"Hot Tub" [5.10][edit]

Malcolm: Who has the mustard?
Dewey: I don't know. Maybe Reese stole it like he steals everything.
Reese: Well maybe the mustard likes me better. Maybe the mustard and I have more fun.

"Ida's Boyfriend" [5.11][edit]

Malcolm: Who would've thought that sticking a metal spike through your tongue would hurt so much?

Lois: [to Ida] You're moving to China?
Ida: I know. Chickens in the street, children in the sweatshops, everyone smokes. It's a dream come true.

Ida: If he still has his teeth and is good in bed, why wait? [Malcolm gets disgusted.] Oh, I forgot, this one doesn't like girls.
Malcolm: Grandma, I'm not gay.
Ida: That's right, I'm just a liar.

Woman: [to Ida] I'm sorry, ma'am, we don't allow smoking in the hotel.
Ida: Back off, you cow! This is my special day.

"Softball" [5.12][edit]

Reese: [after kicking the fence to the junkyard and the dogs attack] Okay, it's obvious they hate shoes, write that down.

Craig: Hey, Lois, you're signing in for the softball?
Lois: I don't need to sign up, Craig. I'm coaching the team this year.
Craig: You are?
Lois: Yes, Stu was going to do it, but his wife was born again and ruined his Sundays.

Lois: You know what your problem is? You know why you can't accept my apology? Because you can't stand to be happy.
Francis: What?!?
Lois: You have an addiction to trouble. You need to have chaos in your life. You always have. I mean, look at you: you have a great job, a nice home, a wife, and you can't stand it. You have to come back here and pick a fight with your mother.
Francis: That's not true! I came back here because you've destroyed any chance any of us ever had for happiness. [to Malcolm as he walks in with spots of zit cream on his face] Tell her what a horrible mother she is! Tell her, Malcolm.
Malcolm: He's right! You insinuate yourself into every part of our lives just to make sure there's no place we're not miserable. Well, you're gonna turn me into a drooling infant like you did Francis.
Francis: Yeah...! What?!
Malcolm: I'm quitting the softball team!
Lois: You are doing no such thing, Malcolm. You had a chance to quit, but now we have a game. You made a commitment to a team, and other people are counting on you.
Malcolm: You can't force me to play.
Lois: No, but I can confiscate your paychecks.
Malcolm: You are pure evil!
Francis: How do you sleep at night? [holds up his old tricycle then leaves with Malcolm]

Dewey: There is a certain pleasure secretly controlling someone dumber than you.

"Lois's Sister" [5.13][edit]

Reese: Hello, 24-hour party people!

Susan: I brought gifts for the other boys, too.
Reese: Yes! Sitting here looking interested finally pays off!

Susan: [to Lois] Why do you always say "always"? Don't you know how weird that sounds?
Lois: Don't change the subject! My God, this is the apple turnover all over again.
Susan: DON'T YOU DARE BRING UP THE APPLE TURNOVER!!!! Screw this, I'm not going to ruin a decade of therapy.
Lois: I'm talking to you!
Susan: I am not your puppet!

Reese: You don't understand the power of my brain, Malcolm. It's like a deep ravine that sits in total darkness. But once in a while, just for a moment, a brilliant shaft of light shines directly down into it. And that's the moment I will think of a genius plan that will get us into that Mustang.

Lois: Susan, you can't give them a car.
Malcolm: Mom, technically this is a transaction between Aunt Susan and us.
Reese: And I'm willing to hire a lawyer to enforce it. You want to go there, I'll go there.

Malcolm: This is torture. The car's just sitting there and no one can drive it.
Reese: Yeah, it's like that hot nun who comes around every year for the toy drive.

Susan: Oh, for God's sake. All right, give me the damn kidney.
Lois: Thank you.
Susan: Don't get too excited. You know you were always the big one. We don't even know if it'll fit.

"Malcolm Dates a Family" [5.14][edit]

[First lines; a baseball crashes through the window, Reese and Dewey come running in with baseball mitts.]
Dewey: Oh, no! Mom and Dad are going to kill us!
Reese: I know what to do.
[A short time later, the baseball has been replaced by a rock with a note taped to it.]
Hal: [reading note] "Get out of our neighborhood. We hate your guts." It's either the Lustigs, the Andersons, the Coopers, or the Browns.
Lois: It's the Hacketts! Like this is going to bring their cat back to life?
Hal: Let's see how they like a taste of their own medicine.
Lois: I'll get the car.
[Reese and Dewey share a guilty look.]

Lois: Fine Mexican Food goes in the Trash.

Malcolm's Dated Dad: Do You believe in life after love?
Malcolm: No I am not Cher.

Lois: We are never ever eating Luigi's Pizza again!
Hal: It's the owner of Luigi's Pizza. Called to apologize. Get your jackets.

"Reese's Apartment" [5.15][edit]

Hal: (in an upset tone) NOOOOO... COMPLAIN... YEEELLLLLL... USSSSSSS!!!!!

Reese: Or the both of you could just SHUT UP!
Malcolm: Oh, boy. [to the camera] In this family, that's what we call "the closer." We now know that Reese is definitely not living here for the next few days. The only question left is who gets to take the credit.

Hal: Reese... what did he do?
Lois: I'm not going to tell you. You're not calm enough yet.
Hal: Okay, deep breath... what did he do?
Lois: Alright. Reese...
[The scene changes]
Hal: [in an upset tone] That... [speaks gibberish]

Malcolm: What's wrong with Dad?
Lois: Your father found out what Reese did.
Malcolm: What did he do?
Lois: Your brother...
[The scene changes.]
Malcolm: Oh, my God! Did they have to evacuate?!

[Hal is speaking in angry gibberish]
Lois: [looks at Hal] Was that "scramble" or "strangle"?
Reese: What are you guys talking about?
Lois: You know what we're talking about! Last week, you...
[The scene changes]
Reese: I can name Third World countries where stuff like that happens all the time!
Lois: What am I going to do with you, Reese?! I don't want to say this is a new low, because every time I do, you take it as a personal challenge!

Francis: [while on the phone with Lois] Hi, I just got off the phone with your son, Reese. It's been over a week and you still haven't talked to him. Congratulations! The fraction of the family is now 2/5ths complete!

Francis: The minute a child is inconvenient to you, you kick him out!
Lois: Francis, this is none of your business. You don't live here anymore!
Francis: Because you kicked me out!

Hal: If Reese is unhappy, he brought it on himself.
Francis: Really? So what's this, like the 10th time he's "brought it on himself"? And, let's see, Malcolm's "brought it on himself" 6 times. So with my 28 times, that makes... 40 kickouts, 3 different kids and the only constant through all of this is you two.
Lois: Francis, that is not fair.
Francis: So when's Dewey going to "bring it on himself"? When's Jamie? Where is Jamie?
Lois: He's at the babysitter's.
Hal: Just 'til 5:00.

Francis: Who's apartment is this?
Reese: It's mine.
Francis: Reese, you can't live in a place like this!
Reese: Yeah, I can.

Malcolm: [sees Reese's apartment] Whoa! This place is awesome!
Dewey: One thing's for sure, I'd never ever leave this place.

Reese: [introduces his neighbors] Francis, this is Teddy, Lou, and George. [points to each of them] Divorced, separated, wife's doing the best friend.
George: Ex-best friend. [sobs] Excuse me. [leaves]

Dr. Lucille Armstrong: [to Hal & Lois] I've been practicing psychiatry for 40 years. There's nothing you can say that will shock me.
Lois: [thinks for a moment] Alright. Last week, Reese...
[The scene changes.]
Dr. Lucille Armstrong: [clutching her heart] Oh, my God! What were the cats for?
Hal: We don't know.

[after finding out how Reese paid for his new apartment]
Lois: Reese, I really owe you some thanks for giving me some faith in myself. The next few days, I will be saying very little. I will be deciding on a punishment. Ideas are already popping into my mind, it's really very exciting! But I don't want to get hasty and leave either of us feeling dissatisfied!
[Hal opens the door, Lois drags Reese out by his ear.]
Reese: Ow! Are you going to drag me all the way home?!
Hal: Well, we're taking your ear there. If the rest of you wants to come, that's fine, too.

"Malcolm Visits College" [5.16][edit]

[Otto has begun a daycare for the children of guests to his ranch. Chaos is heard from within the kids' room]
Otto: We may have a problem. You remember how I wanted everything to be special for the children? So I went to the store and I got those cookies, and then I saw this old-fashioned hard lemonade. I bought three cases...
Francis: Hard lemonade? That has alcohol in it!
Otto: Yes, Francis, I said there was a problem!

[Leland, the Resident Adviser of the dormitory, confronting Lois]
Leland: I happen to be a control freak. If you get me fired, I can just find another job where I can be a control freak. Kinko's is hiring a night manager. Either way, I've already written negative evaluation emails of these kids to the Office of Admissions. All I have to do is hit 'send.'
Kid: She overloaded a wall socket, too!
[The kids abandon Lois]
Leland: And now you. Any freshman psych major can see it's obvious life didn't pan out the way you thought it would. So now, to make up for it, you have to run your kid's life.
Malcolm: [to the audience] I don't know who to root for!
Leland: Simple truth is, you're just too afraid to let go of the one thing in your life that may be a success. But hey, you don't have to take my word for it. Why don't we just ask the other mothers here and see what they think? [Looks around the hallway] Oh, that's right, there are no other mothers here! [Backs into his room] You just cost this floor their electricity privileges. [He shuts the door, and all other lights go out]

"Polly in the Middle" [5.17][edit]

[Reese is burning ants with a magnifying glass]
Reese: [to an ant] Looking for a little picnic, huh? Looks like you've come to the wrong place!
Malcolm: There's one on your hand.
Reese: Ha ha! [aims the searing pinpoint of light from magnifying glass at his own hand] You've got a little surprise coming! Stupid ant...

[Stevie makes his first prank phone call]
Stevie [faking a British accent]: Hello?... Is your... refrigerator... [normal voice] Yeah, it's me... [hangs up]

"Dewey's Special Class" [5.18][edit]

Malcolm: [horrified] They put you in with the Buseys?
Dewey: [sarcastically] Yeah, it's real interesting! Today, we learned about our greatest enemies: Mr Matches and Mr Talk-out-of-turn! [angrily] Oh, and I also got to see a crane lower a flight simulator into the Krelboyne class!
Malcolm: Oh, my God! Does Mom know?
Dewey: You're still alive... so, no.

Malcolm: [to Dewey] Trust me, I'm the good brother. I'm the one who cares about you.
Dewey: But you beat me up and make fun of me.
Malcolm: Only when you're being annoying. Dewey, I'm serious. How can I make you understand? The coolest person in the class... was me!
Dewey: Okay, I'll do it.

Hayley: [to Hal & Craig] You can't enter the tournament. You're going to look like idiots.
Hal: We're not done rehearsing. We'll be a lot better by then.
Kylie: No, you're going to look like idiots because it's a contest for kids.
Craig: It doesn't say that anywhere. I read the rules three times. And we're under the weight limit. You can call the manufacturer.

"Experiment" [5.19][edit]

Malcolm: I gave him some food coloring and told him they were chemicals.
Reese: Guys! I made an incredible discovery! When you mix together blue and yellow, you get an entirely new color! [Holds up a test tube full of green liquid] I shall call it...blellow!

"Victor's Other Family" [5.20][edit]

Malcolm: You know what else is strange?
Lois: What?
Malcolm: Have you heard a bird or a cricket or anything in the last two minutes?
Lois: No, everything has gone quiet as a graveyard.
[Lois and Malcolm turn around and gets scared to see an enraged Ida at Sylvia's doorstep]'
Ida: JUDAS!!!!!

Francis: [first line as he confronts Betsy the Cow and Thunder the Horse for sharing a stall.] Guys look, I like you both. You work hard, but you gotta realise how other people see this relationship. Dude Ranches have a lot of conservative customers so even though I personally don't have a problem with you two as a couple, this has to stop.

Mr. Deitrich: We froze Victor's pension because of the dispute with the other family, but you're absolutely right. Manitoba law says a common-law wife is entitled to her husband's pension. Even if the other family isn't willing to sign the pension, you will still prevail. But first you need to prove you're a common-law wife with DNA, mail in both your names, but I think you'll win.
Ida: Finally, a Canadian who isn't an idiot.

Sylvia: Ida, I hope you know, aside the restraining order, I have a knitting needle. All right, it's a crochet hook.
Ida: Listen to me, tough guy. I know about Victor's other pension. Victor worked for Paragon Brush from 1960 to 1964. Manitoba law states as common-law wife, I am entitled to that pension.
Sylvia: I really don't know what you're talking about.
Ida: The truth will burst out of the grave and strangle you and your whole family.
Lois: [walks towards Ida; in a sotto voice] Mother, we'll discuss this later. If you don't turn around and leave, so help me God, I'll rip the wig of your head and everyone will see your TICK SCARS!
[Ida and Lois faces each other momentarily.]

"Reese Joins the Army (Part 1)" [5.21][edit]

Lois: Can he at least put some pants on?
Cop: Not until we get a good perp walk out of him.

Shaves his head

"Reese Joins the Army (Part 2)" [5.22][edit]

Hal: You know those nature shows where a wasp paralyzes a caterpillar, then injects it full of larvae? It stays alive for weeks, completely aware, feeling every little bite as the larvae devour it from the inside. I sat in a cubicle every day envying that caterpillar, 'cause at least he got to be on TV.

Francis:[shows Malcolm a legal document.] Malcolm, we need to talk. I know we've been avoiding this, but it's time to face facts. You should forge dad's signature declaring mom mentally incompetent. That way when dad goes to jail, you can get emancipated and I'll take custody of Dewey and Jamie.
Dewey: Strange, I always figured Mom for jail and Dad for the looney bin. Heh, life.

[Hal is taking the stand in his own defense and points out Malcolm's photographic memories in helping him point out the crimes were done on Fridays.]
Hal: I haven't shown up for work on a Friday for 15 years.
Lawyer: He didn't show up on Fridays for 15 years.
Hal:[Sotto voice to the judge] That isn't going to be on the record, is it.
Lawyer: Do you have any evidence to back up these wild assertions?
Hal:[producing his memory bod in the form of an old shoe box] Well, yeah. Once, I knew what to look for, I realize I have almost everything I need in my memory box.
Lawyer:[points to the first picture on the board.] The prosecution maintains you handed the Board of Commitees a set of cookbooks on August 9.
Hal:[Prouces a picture at an amusement park] That's when I went to Barvaria Land.
[The prosecution is shocked as Hal's lawyer posts up a picture on the board. Soon the case weakens as more of Hal's stuff from his time away on his own excursions proving his innocence. The Jury declares him not guilty, but Lois is enraged at him for lying to her about not working on Fridays for 15 years.]
Lois: I don't believe this, you haven't worked on Fridays? After all the kids Groundings, all the sacrfices, this is why you lied? For 15 years, I have been carpooling, working my butt off and keeping an eye on the boys while you were out feeding Shamu!
Hal: Actully it's Keko one

Season 6[edit]

"Reese Comes Home" [6.1][edit]

[After Lois has assaulted several U.S. Army personnel]
Army Sergeant: Sir, if she comes within 500 feet of my perimeter, I've been given the authority to engage!

[Reese is parachuting into a combat zone in Afghanistan]
Reese: I'm a lean, mean, fighting machine. I'm a lean, mean, fighting machine. I'm a robot. Robots are cool. Green Lantern fought a robot. I love Green Lantern. I love pie. Mmmmmm, pie. Wait why am I thinking about pie? I'm supposed to be thinking about something else. Does it rhyme with pie? Fly, by, cry, die, pie? Pie! No. Pie, Green Lantern, Fighting robot, fighting machine, me. I'm a lean, mean, fighting machine. I'm a lean, mean, fighting machine.

Malcolm: The Army. What do you expect from people who would give Reese a gun?
Lois: Oh, that's right, it's the Army's fault that your brother gets killed.
Hal: Now Lois, we can't blame Malcolm for stealing Reese's girl and causing this whole mess in the first place.
Malcolm: Huh?
Hal: Kids his age are nothing but raging hormones and hideous self-involvement. They are all immoral little creeps.
Lois: Don't defend him, Hal. Just help me make dinner.
Dewey: Great, angry meatloaf. Thanks a lot.
Malcolm: [to audience] I don't have to worry about Reese. All he has to do is lay low and not do anything stupid... Oh, God.

"Buseys Run Away" [6.2][edit]

Hal: Wow! You guys are huge! And shiny!
Bodybuilder: Thanks mister, but we can always be huger and shinier!

Malcolm: What are you trying to do?
Reese: Mom hasn't made you do any of the crap she's made us do. Why's she being so nice to you?
Dewey: Because for the last three days, I haven't done anything wrong. You see, Mom doesn't yell and scream at us because it's the only way she knows how to talk; she does it because we do stuff that's bad. And if you don't do anything, she doesn't get mad at you. You understand? It's not her, it's us.
Malcolm: Fine, don't tell us.

Lois: It's so sad about those kids. Someone should help them.
Hal: (Inspired) You're right, Lois. Someone is gonna help those kids. Someone's gonna help the crap out of them!

"Standee" [6.3][edit]

[Hal walking by the large pile of garbage on his lawn]
Dewey: (muffled yelling) Dad!
Hal: Dewey?
Dewey: Daaaaaad!
Hal: Dewey? Where are you?
Dewey: I don't know! My garbage fort collapsed!
Hal: Can you breathe?
Dewey: Yes. But I don't want to!

"Pearl Harbor" [6.4][edit]

Jessica: [as she walks in] So the stupid cops let my dad off with another warning! We've lived in this neighborhood for three weeks now and they still haven't carted him off yet!
Reese: No! Jessica, you don't get to keep barging in here like you own the place! Go back outside and knock...and then go away!
Jessica: [pauses, then continues as if nothing has happened] Seriously, what do you have to do to get popped for drunk and disorderly around here?! He was out on the kerb in his underpants, rolling burning trash cans into the street!
Malcolm: [aside to the camera] The sad thing is, we're still the worst family on this block!

Dewey: I'm supposed to do a 300-word report on how you're my personal hero.
Hal: Me? You think I'm your... hero?
Dewey: Dad, don't freak out. We had to pick one of our parents.

Hal: You know that jerk across the road who's got it in for me?
Dewey: Which one? 'Parking Jerk' or 'Lawnmower Jerk'?
Hal: No! 'Christmas Jerk', Bill Randall! Every year that guy waits to see what Christmas decorations I put out and then finds a way to top it. I string lights, he strings better lights. I put out Frosty, he puts out an elf village. I put out Dracula, he does nothing and I look like a jackass! I mean, what kind of sick mind uses a religious holiday as a weapon?!
Dewey: Wait, which one's 'Call the Cops Jerk'?
Hal: That's like four of them!

"Kitty's Back" [6.5][edit]

Abe: Even though the mashed potatoes are not supposed to come with the duck, cram them in there anyway whether the duck likes it or not.
Waiter: Ma'am?
Lois: The beef. Even though it's the carrots that are the problem, I'd like to exclude the broccoli.
Waiter: That may work as a metaphor, ma'am, but you're really screwing up your entree.

[Hal has told Lois to apologize to Kitty, but she refuses.]
Lois: What business do they have being angry at me? Kitty ruined their lives, she tore them apart, she tortured them for two years, and I'm the bad guy? I'm not the one with the STD named after me. I'm not the one who smuggled Lord knows what in Lord knows where across the Turkish border.

Lois:[busting Reese for attempting to peel at his sunburn] Reese, stop it. You're gonna give yourself leprosy.

Stevie: (presenting his acceptance speech that Reese sabotaged) Ladies and gentlemen, friends and family, esteemed colleagues of cortesy, you honor me. But I can let this ocation pass without remarking that you all blow-blow-blow-blow. It means so much and requires so little to take a moment to kiss my butt. In conclusion, I feel that the evening would be incomplete without telling the world that I am actually a lady. Thank you. Go to Hell.
Hal: [drunk] He can talk. He's cured.
[Malcolm has just seen a sunburned Reese smiling at his prank and gets revenge of his own by telling Lois about it.]

[Reese is punished by Lois for his prank against Malcolm by ruining Stevie's acceptance speech. She vacumns the house as Reese carries his peeled skin suit]
Lois: Reese, your punishment isn't over until that bathroom floor is so clean you'll be eating off it. Which is what you'll be doing for the next three weeks. And get rid of that thing, it's disgusting.
Reese:[offended] Disgusting?! If Malcolm made another him out of hair, you'll be throwing a parade for him, right now.
[The vacuum sucks up Reese's peeled skin suit]
Reese: [shrieks] Noooooo.
Lois: It just took it.
Reese: That could've been me. (unplugs the vacuum) I need five minutes alone with the vacuum. (takes the vacuum and leaves)

"Hal's Christmas Gift" [6.6][edit]

Dewey: Reese just came up with the most fun thing to do. Riding your bike through the graveyard. With your eyes closed. He smashed into this one gravestone, flew through the air, hit another gravestone, and landed in an open grave!
Reese: Lying in that hole was surprisingly peaceful. I no longer fear death.

Hal: You're the ones that turned your mother into a ticking time bomb. You just thank your lucky stars that she went off on an innocent bystander.

[A woman accidentally hits Lois' door with her car door, and doesn't apologize]
Lois: Excuse me? I know you didn't think anyone would catch you, but you just slammed your door into my car. The least you could do is say you're sorry, lady.
Woman: You don't have to take that tone. It's not like I'm hurting your resale value. [walks off]
Lois: [bangs her car door and the woman looks back at her shocked] I'm sorry. See? Like that.

Hal: How much money do we have?
Lois: Zero.
Hal: No, I mean everything. Credit cards, loose change, everything?
Lois: Oh. Minus $512.
Hal: What?! Oh, for God's sake!

Reese: You coming, Malcolm?
Malcolm: You sure? I might accidentally talk about myself.
Dewey: You mean like just now?

Francis: I got fired from my job, and I'm totally broke.
Hal: What? You got fired from the ranch?
Francis: It turns out the ATM I was making all of Otto's deposits into wasn't an ATM. So sue me, right? Anyway, he's suing me.

Piama: You said this house was Satan's trash can!
Francis: Oh, honey, you're quoting me out of context!

"Hal Sleepwalks" [6.7][edit]

Malcolm: It's a good thing you weren't John Lennon's mother.
Lois: If I were John Lennon's mother, he'd still be alive.

"Lois Battles Jamie" [6.8][edit]

Reese: Maybe we're just going about this the wrong way. We have to think outside the box. (to Dewey) If you were a diving board, what would you want someone to do with you?
Dewey: Take me ice-skating.
Reese: Don't be an idiot. That place is freezing, and it's always so crowded.
Dewey: Yeah, but they have good hot dogs.
Reese: Those hot dogs suck compared to the ones at the train station.
Dewey: Why would a diving board want to go to a train station?
Reese: How should I know? Maybe he wants to visit a relative!
Malcolm: Okay! Okay! Back in the box.

Lois: [about Jamie] He is absolutely the worst kid we've ever had.
Hal: Oh, you say that with every kid. Let's face it, Lois, it's just the hand we were dealt. God doesn't like us. That doesn't make us bad people.

Dewey: Jamie tries to kill Mom and we're the ones who have to clean it up?! You want to tell me how that's fair?!
Malcolm: You've got to give the kid some credit. It's the closest any of us actually ever came.
Dewey: Jamie wasn't really spawned by Satan, was he?
Malcolm: No. If he was, we'd have a way better house.

Dewey: [after Reese blew himself up with firecrackers] Should we get the hose?
Malcolm: No, he would have wanted us to wait!

"Malcolm's Car" [6.9][edit]

Malcolm: [on Reese's latest scheme] Blackmailing a pervert to facilitate underage gambling? How could this not work out?

Lois: Craig, how could you lie to me after all I've done for you? I let you sleep on our floor when you thought your cat's ghost was trying to kill you. I settled that feud between you and the Girl Scout Troop.
Craig: They started it.
Lois: Shut up!

Reese: [to Malcolm] You are going to be so proud of me.
Malcolm: Why?
Reese: I spent the last five nights in a chat room reeling in this creep named Heinrich. I got his address and showed up at his house with a printed transcript of our conversations. He calls me "Sugarbuns" fifteen times on nine separate occasions.
Malcolm: Reese...
Reese: So, the guy starts crying, "What about my wife? What about my kids? I'll do anything." Entrapment. It's not just for police anymore.

Malcolm: I don't want to live in a world where Reese is right.

"Billboard" [6.10][edit]

[After Lois has noticed the boys about to deface a billboard]
Lois: [on the ground] OH MY GOD!
Dewey: Did you guys hear something?
Lois: What are you boys doing up there?!
Malcolm: It's Mom! [the boys try to flatten themselves against the billboard]
Dewey: How'd she know where to find us!?
Reese: I told you she's got tracking devices in our fillings! If you two geniuses had ripped them out like I did, we wouldn't be in this mess!
Dewey: Maybe she didn't see us.
Lois: [Yelling at the boys in the parking lot] Reese, Malcolm, Dewey, you get down here this instant!
Reese: [bad Spanish accent] Misses, I don't know who you thinking we are. Your boys are very different boys than we are being.
[the light turns on the stripper billboard; the boys back up and Lois rolls her eyes]
Reese: [afraid] Where's the back door for this thing?
Malcolm: [scared] It's a billboard!
Dewey: [terrified] We're so dead. This time she'll finish us!

"Dewey's Opera" [6.11][edit]

Lois: Hal, get in this bed and go to sleep!
Hal: [grabbing a pillow and blanket] Oh, I'll sleep. I'll sleeep where I'm wanted.
[Goes over to the couch as Dewey continues to compose music.]

[At the Buseys classroom, Dewey is performing his music.]
Zoe: [playing Lois and singing] Are you coming back to bed? Or should I just order a crib for you.
Hanson: [playing Hal and singing] I'm not coming back. I don't like to be where I'm not wanted, especially if it on a big, giant bed.

[Dewey is inspired by Hal and Lois' fight in the master bedroom and writes down more music.]
Hal: A sale at Mattress King. Oh you must've laughed at me for swallowing that one. They don't even know the meaning of the word sale over there. Their everyday prices are a guaranteed rock bottom.
Lois: You are working yourself to get your own way. You always do that, Hal.

"Living Will" [6.12][edit]

[Hal and Lois sit in front of a fireplace looking through photos]
Lois: Oh, I remember this! This is Reese's fifth birthday!
Hal: And this must be Christmas that same year.
[The viewer sees an X-ray showing a candy cane stuffed five inches into the nasal cavity, hook-first]
Lois: He grew up so fast!
Hal: Oh, he sure did. Here's Malcolm's first day at school.
[The viewer sees another X-ray of the pelvic region with a toy truck in between the hips]
Lois: Remember when we lost Dewey at the flea market?
[The viewer sees yet another X-ray of the chest region with a wristwatch embedded in the middle of it]
Hal: [holds out wrist] Still keeps great time.
Lois: Want to go through the arrest reports?
Hal: I'll pour some more wine.

[Hal continues pretending to have Hysterical Conversion Disorder as he continues using his feet and rips off sheets of toilet paper]
Lois: It's been four days, Hal. I tried to be patient, but this has gone one long enough. You have to snap out of it. Look I admit you've been resourceful and you've learned to do so many things. And the Sex has been interesting.
[She walks in as Hal is now using his feet to pour in some tooth paste on his to his tooth brush to brush his teeth. He raises his brush to do so and she walks into the master bedroom.]
Lois: But you can't go on living like this. Don't think I don't know what this is all about. You're trying to avoid making this decision. This isn't going to work and frankly this is beneath you. It's the cowards way out, Hal. You don't think I don't like a paralyzed vacation. Everyone waiting on me hand and foot. You know what? It doesn't work that way. You can't keep making up ridiculous illnesses to get out of what you don't want to do.
[sees Hal pulling out a long thread of dental floss to floss his teeth]
Lois: Oh for God's sake. Do you have any idea how insane you're acting? I'm just glad your boys aren't here to see this.
[sees Hal raise his feet to floss his teeth]'
Lois: Oh Hal, you changed Jamie's diapers with those feet.
[she leaves disgusted]

[Lois has just picked up a paralyzed Hal from the hospital after another argument between the doctor and the nurse. He's just sitting there as the boys looked]
Malcolm: What's wrong with him?
Lois: The doctors call it Hysterical Conversion Disorder. It's like a sematic, apparently he's paralyzed from the waist up.
Malcolm: The waist up?
[Lois is frustrated as Hal starts squrming around with his feet]
Reese: Dad, what is it?
[Lois taps his head to calm him down. It does the work as his right foot pets her leg]'
Dewey: I think he's thanking you.

"Tiki Lounge" [6.13][edit]

Herkabe: Malcolm, one of the many perks from working in the field of public education is the constant opportunity to suddenly increase your workload. It's as big a morale booster as the constant chiseling of gum.

Hal: We have to be home by 9:30. The babysitter said her halfway house goes into lockdown at 10:00.

Malcolm: Mom, if you never made it to the store, then what are we eating?
[Everybody pauses and looks at Lois]
Lois: I don't know, something from the fridge.

Hal: Heaven's gonna suck!

"Ida loses a Leg" [6.14][edit]

[Reese attempts to flush the toilet, but Lois catches him and opens the curtain slightly ajar.]
Lois: You flush the toilet and I open the curtain.

[Dewey tries to recover his grandmother's leg.]
Dewey: [on the phone] Hello, Pathology? Yes, this is Judy Green from Dr. Weiss' office. I'm calling about the chop-and-drop he did Thursday on the old lady... Listen, Dr. Weiss thinks he may have left his wedding ring in that leg... He was pretty hammered... Yeah, again. So anyway, we need to get that leg out of there before the lawyers come around and do their Monday-morning quarterbacking. You know what instead of the usual place, why not send it to my house. I'll give you the address.

Lois:[bringing Francis back when he tries to leave] Get back in here, we are not having this argument again.
Ida: Let him go. [about Dewey] It's the little one who owes me his life.
Francis: See? Even she thinks so.
Lois: Francis, everyone else in this family either has school or a job. So you're staying here and helping your grandmother.
Ida: I DON'T NEED HELP!!! Look at him, he's got nothing in between his legs and he manages.
Francis: If you think I'm beyond punching you, you're totally wrong.
Ida: Of course you'd hit a cripple. You couldn't get a white girl to marry you.

[Lois is stressed out once again as Francis and Ida continues fighting]
Francis: I don't care if you knew the end of the Star Trek episode, I didn't and you ruined it. You can't let anyone else be happy.
Ida: Shut up, monkey. Anyone with half a brain could see the rocks were alive.

Ida: [grabbing a cigarette from her purse] Hah. Scare tactics those butchers tell you so you can get weak and they can send you more go-go pills.

Lois: [Facing Ida] And you. You are old, injured and need his help. All your yelling and viciousness doesn't equal physical strength. You can not bully a can of soup off the shelves. You can not scream it down. You need his help!
Francis: Yeah, you old bat. Where's your gratitude?

"Chad's Sleepover" [6.15][edit]

Reese: [to Malcolm] Oh my god, I'm as unpopular as you!

Dewey: This, in no way, justifies what you said before.

Pizza Guy: [to Hal] Oh, wait. This was supposed to be 12336. [looks at Hal] I bet you feel like a jackass.

"No Motorcycles" [6.16][edit]

[Malcolm, Reese and Dewey are being menaced by a thug, but they don't know who he's after]
Dewey: God, he looks mad. Which one of us do you think he wants?
Malcolm: Reese, it's obviously you. That must have been his bike you super-glued to the train tracks!
Reese: We don't know that! You were pretty fast and loose with that dog-crap slingshot the other day! How do you know you didn't hit him?
Malcolm: [looks at Dewey] What about you? How many people did you convince to buy those algebra pills?
Dewey: You know, our lives would be a lot easier if we didn't all pull this crap at the same time!
Reese: I suggested a rotating calender years ago and you guys ignored me. And here we are!

"Butterflies" [6.17][edit]

Reese: [to the butterflies] This is fantastic! Look at all you guys! Wow, I've forgotten how many of you there were. Okay, that's a lot of fluttering. That's enough... Get off of me! GET THE HELL OFF OF ME! AAAAAAAH! AH! HELLLLLLP!

Dewey: Dad, the toilet seat was up and Jamie's tongue is blue again. [Jamie points to a door.] Were you out there all night?
Hal: Now just get me to the bathroom and let's see if we can save Daddy's toes.

Malcolm: This is why orphans get all the hot girls.

Malcolm: [slamming his head against a locker] At what age do you just accept that your life is a piece of rotten garbage and always will be?!
Craig: 22.

Hal: [on Reese's attachment to the caterpillars] Crap, I'm too late. You bonded with them, didn't you?! Well welcome to my world! Now you're stuck with feelings of unjustified love for a bunch of mindless, ungrateful eating machines! Ha, ha, see how you like it! At least yours'll be dead in a month.
Reese: Then I can keep them?
Hal: Throw them under the tarp with the old Playboys. And you'd better be a sullen jerk to me in front of your mother so she doesn't get wise!

Craig: Malcolm, I think you're forgetting the graveyard shift motto: "Who cares?"

Malcolm: [to Wendy] I guess we have a lot in common. Like loving grilled cheese and tomato sandwiches and Stephen King books. I wouldn't be surprised if you were a big Coldplay fan, too.
Wendy: What the hell are you doing, following me around? ARE YOU STALKING ME?! YOU STAY AWAY FROM ME, CREEP!

Wendy: [to Malcolm] Sucks that you have to work the night shift. Now you'll miss the party. Debbie's parents are out of town. Whoa! I've gotta run! Skinny dipping starts at midnight.

Norm: She just wants someone who's honest and straightforward.
Malcolm: That's great! I'm totally honest and straightforward.
Norm: Actually, you're more like blunt and aggressive.

"Ida's Dance" [6.18][edit]

Ludwina: [about Lois] You going to introduce her to us, or make us wait around like a pack of pigs?
Ida: Pack of pigs wouldn't leave their nail clippings on the floor for other people to step on.

[About Lois]
Marika: Is this the fat daughter, or the one who drinks?
Ida: This is the one with the halfwit factory between her legs!

Lois: Well I don't know what to say. I planned on two days to get you into the old folks' home, two days to fight the court challenge, then I would fly back on Sunday. Now I'm stuck here. It's $300.00 just to change my ticket.
Ida: Good. You'll be here for the festival Saturday.
Lois: What festival?
Ida: [pulls Lois away] You stop it. You know it's St. Grotus Day!
Lois: Oh my God, St. Grotus Day, that's still around?
Floransa: It is. And we haven't turned our church into a Burger King either!
Ida: She's being modest. She was a terrific Grotus Day dancer. Made your children look like poisoned sheep. Best girl between the vlatnis in 15 counties!
Lois: Not the vlatnis. God I hated the awful vlatny dance.
Ida: You loved it! She begged to go.
Lois: She dragged me seven blocks by my pigtails to some stinking butcher shop full of drunk uncles. I couldn't even see my feet between the flies and the cigarette smoke! When I was 16 I worked up the nerve to tell her I wanted to quit. She fed me nothing but bark for a week.
Ida: It's her stupid idea of a joke. [pulls Lois away angrily] You're not around fancy big-shots, with all their teeth sipping wine! These are real people! You will not embarrass me in front of my friends by spitting on who you are and where you come from.
Lois: Fine.

Hal: [Confronts a deaf Malcolm and Dewey for letting a T.V. set crush him] You think your dad getting killed by a T.V. set is FUNNY!? I'll tell what's funny, being grounded for the rest of your lives!
Malcolm: After about an hour, he managed to spit a piece of glass into my lap. You've got to admire that kind of perseverance.
Hal: Your children and your children's children will grow up grounded in this house!
Malcolm: I can't understand a word he's saying, but judging by his expression, I probably shouldn't ask to borrow the car this weekend.

Ida: [to Lois] You will make the tart this year.
Lois: The tart? By myself? That thing is gigantic!
Floransa: Yes, let Ida's daughter rest.
Ludwina: The old ladies with arthritis can make the saint his tart.
Marika: Ida's daughter can sit on her gigantic ass all day and eat bread.
Floransa: Jelly, dear?
Lois: Fine. I'm here for 5 days. I was expecting to be miserable anyway.

Lois: Well, I'm finished. It's done. I almost gave up when I thought I burned the prunes, but I fell into this rhythm and just lost track of time. Next thing you know, it's done. It was a lot of work but you know something? It feels good.
[the old ladies wheel in a bigger tart on a metal rolling cart]
Lois: What's that?
Ludwina: That's the real tart.
Floransa: You kept screwing up. We just knew it would be easier for everybody if we just made it ourselves.
Lois: But I worked for DAYS!
Floransa: I'm sorry. I know you'd rather be at the disco, shaking your backside at a bunch of drug addicts.
Lois: Oh, you like St. Grotus Day? You like tarts? Well what are we waiting for? Let's celebrate! [jumps on both tarts while making noises] Well, maybe next time you'll think better before criticizing other people's desserts. [old ladies are shocked]

Lois: Oh. Boshnik bread. I haven't had this in years.
Ludwina: Does it work, or just cram its face with bread?
Ida: She works. And not on her back, like your slut daughter!
Marika: Can she make a St. Grotus Day tart?
Ida: I'd have left her in the forest with her hand nailed to a stump if she didn't.

"Motivational Seminar" [6.19][edit]

"Stilts" [6.20][edit]

Uncle Sam: Let me kiss your ass and tell you that it taste like ice cream.

"Buseys Take a Hostage" [6.21][edit]

Mr. Flerch: [Removes his duct tape from his mouth with his struggles and exposes Mr. Jeffers, the school principal at Dewey's school.] It was all his idea! I was just his obedient stooge. He dangled assistant vice principal in front of me. [sobs] It came with parking.
Dewey: I wonder who would get the worst penalty, a bunch of emotionally disturbed kids who tie up people for a while. Or the trusted public servant who forced them into slavery. We could ask a judge or everyone could keep quiet about everything.
Francis: [untying the two janitors] Is that all right with you guys?
[One of the janitors, Jorge whispers in Spanish to the other janitor (who understands what he's talking about) in regards to both Mr. Flerch and the school principal.]
Janitor: That depends. Can we get five minutes alone with these guys before you untie them?
[Mr. Jeffers and Mr. Flerch are concerned as Dewey smiles.]

[At the house, Lois is seen pissed off with Reese as she grabs the clothes to take into the boys' bedroom as Malcolm comes in with his basketball.]
Malcolm: What's up with mom?
Reese: Mom saw my report card and I flunked all my classes.
Malcolm: What?
Reese: Every single one of my finals, I got all the questions wrong.
Malcolm: Oh my god.
Reese: [ecstatic] I know, now I get to repeat my senior year. Isn't this great? I've been working so hard on it. I'm gonna make sure I fail all my classes so I couldn't make it up in summer school. Now I don't have to move out, got to college or get a job for a whole another year. This is the greatest achievement of my life.
[Lois comes in completely mad at Reese more after hearing his confession]
Reese: Yeah, I know, mom.
[Lois leaves and Reese is drinking his soda in excitement as Malcolm leaves.]

"Mrs. Tri-County" [6.22][edit]

Dewey: We were just goofing around. I can't believe she took it seriously.
Hal: You're right, Dewey. Your mother actually believed her sons love her. What a moron!

Hal: It's going to be great. That's why I blocked out the next three hours to work with Dewey.
Dewey: Dad, I have homework!
Hal: Oh, just buy it from the guy Reese buys his from.

Hal: Don't forget! End with "May God Bless America"!
Lois: When do I say the stuff about world peace?
Hal: No, no, no, we got rid of that. You don't want to come off like a liberal nutcase!

Season 7[edit]

"Burning Man" [7.1][edit]

People: [chanting] Burning man! Burning man! Burning man!
Reese: No! I won't light it! I won't light it!
[Reese throws the torch. It lands in a bucket of cleaning supplies in the RV and explodes.]
People: [chanting] Burning van! Burning van! Burning van!

[Malcolm and Reese are seen entering the house after Hal and Lois picked them up]
Lois: Hitchiking?! Hitchiking on the highway like HOBOS!

[After Malcolm inadvertently convinces Hal and Lois to go to Burning Man]
Lois: What a great idea, Malcolm! [Reese glares at Malcolm]
Reese: [sarcastically] Yeah, maybe next year, we can take Grandma to Mardi Gras!
Malcolm: You think I enjoy having powers I can't control?! Believe me, I'd much rather be as stupid as you are!
Reese: Don't try sucking up to me now!

Hal: Dewey, we are civilized people. We make arbitrary boundaries that we defend to the death.

Hal: They say we're stubborn, they say we're closed-minded; but I say there's nothing closed-minded about shunning ideas that make you scared and uncomfortable!

"Health Insurance" [7.2][edit]

Hal: What's the matter with you boys? Don't you realize you could get killed?
Reese: Dad, I can't die.
Hal: What?
Reese: I'm seventeen.
Hal: And so you can't die?
Reese: I just don't see it happening.
Hal: I got news for you, Reese — seventeen-year-olds die all the time.
Reese: Come on, Dad, that's just something they tell you so you'll stay off drugs.

[After the porch roof collapses on Hal]
Malcolm: Dad, are you okay?
Hal: I can't feel anything below my left knee! Is my foot okay?
Reese: Your foot looks fine... but I think the rest of you is facing the wrong way.

"Reese vs Stevie" [7.3][edit]

[Reese has paralyzed his lower body in ice water to make a fight even. Stevie shows up with robotic legs.]
Stevie: You're... mine!
Reese: Aah!

[Lois has just come home with groceries and is listening to an audiobook of a novel. Later on as it got to the conclusion, Lois is eating some food in the car.]
Narrator: Hello McKendrick I heard from behind. I spun around, but standing there was ....
Reese: [voice recording] a stupid housewife who wouldn't let her son buy nunchucks even though they're totally safe.
Lois: [Enraged] REEESE!

Malcolm: [last lines] The Norvet Institute kicked Stevie out for unauthorized use of their equipment and Reese will be ok, but he's not allowed out of bed until he stops seeing four of everything.
[Hal comes into the kitchen, carrying a trash bin to one of the air conditioner vents where he hides his cigarettes. Opening the vent, the cigarettes all cascade down into the bin. Hal then closes it and leaves.]
Malcolm: Mom's making dad find the last of his old cigarettes and she's gonna make him eat any she finds in the morning so he's pretty motiviated. The amazing thing is I got off scott free.
Lois: Malcolm go change Reese's bedpan.
Malcolm: Hey, he's my brother.

[Lois walks in to see Hal and Dewey antagonizing each other.]
Dewey: [Drinking Coffee] Mmmm. Rich roasted goodness. Suddenly I'm in a French cafe.
Hal: [smoking a cigarrette] Well I'm with two girls in a speedboat sucking down a smooth blend of fine tobaccos. Mmm.
Lois: [Catches Hal smoking] HAL!
Hal: [takes out his cigarette] Dewey's drinking coffee.
[Lois is angry at Hal for smoking cigarettes in the house that she ignores punishing Dewey for drinking coffee.]

"Halloween" [7.4][edit]

Dewey: Hey, you're right. The candy you steal off other kids really does taste better.
Reese: I'm telling you, it's the fear.

Lois: I cannot believe they called me into work. I requested Halloween off eight months ago, and suddenly, Mary Beth becomes a Wiccan so she can take it as a religious holiday.
Hal: There will be more Halloweens... barring some tragic event.
Lois:[reminding Hal] But this is the good one, you know. There's such a tiny window where the kids are so sweet and adorable and you can dress them up however you want. [disgusted] Every year after that, Halloween's just another trip to the police station.

Lois: [to Reese and Dewey] Alright, you know the plan. You two are taking Jamie. No eggs, no stink bombs, no matches, no catapults, no mace.
Reese: Fine.
Lois: No explosives.
Reese: Of course not.
Lois: No water balloons, no spray paint, no gasoline, no shaving cream, no toilet paper.
Reese: Wouldn't even think of it.
Lois: No ladder, no compressor, no soup.
Reese: [to Dewey] You told her!

Dewey: [to Malcolm] It just doesn't make sense. Why would you fake being sick on Halloween?
Malcolm: I'm not faking it. I feel like crap. I must have gotten it from that death tour guy. I thought his clammy handshake was just part of the act.
Reese: You've got to keep your immune system in shape, Malcolm. Every once in a while, pick some gum off the seat and chew it. Ounce of prevention, dude.

Reese: I hate when they talk about your costumes. They know what we're here for. Just pay up, so we can go.
Dewey: Hey, look at that! The old guy's still after us.
Reese: You gotta admire it. I hope when I'm his age, I still have enough hate to do what he's doing.

Hal: Oh, another knife in the head! [kids look at him weird] Do think it would be funny if you had a real knife in your head?

Hal: [whispering] You knew we were buying a death house and you didn't tell me?!
Lois: I didn't tell you because I knew you'd have this reaction.
Hal: Well, of course I'd have this reaction. I don't like murder. Maybe that's something you should know about me.
Lois: Hal, it's always something with you. You passed on that one house because you thought the doorbell sounded gay. You can't have a perfect house.
Hal: It would be nice to have a murderless one.
Lois: Well, you should just drop it because there's nothing we can do about it. Death and mold are two things you can expect to find in any house and we are not moving!
Hal: There's mold?!

Craig: [slurring] Lois, I've been thinking about it and I just want you to know I'm sorry. I believe in you and what you're doing here. You're doing the right thing.
Lois: [shocked] Are you drunk?
Craig: Chuilty as garged!
Lois: Aren't you on the clock?
Craig: But it's a party and they invited me, knowing full well that being wanted is my Kryptonite.
Lois: A party? So they're all drinking out there?
[The speaker goes on]
Woman: [through the speaker] Attention, Lucky Aide shoppers! Who's gonna come up here and kiss me, right now, dammit?

"Jessica Stays Over" [7.5][edit]

Reese: Dewey, you know nothing about Asian culture. After I humiliate him, I earn respect plus half his land and his sister, if she's hot.

Jessica: [to Malcolm] Listen, Monday, I need you to get your mom out of the house for a couple of hours after school. Take her to a chick flick or something. You should enjoy that.
Malcolm: What for?
Jessica: My boyfriend's coming over and I'd like to have the house to ourselves, if you know what I mean.
Malcolm: What?!
Jessica: Oh, good, you do know what I mean. I wasn't sure with that whole "chasm of loneliness" crap.
Malcolm: You can't hook up in my house! I've never hooked up in my house!

Lois: He thinks he is on his way to China, and you've just been torturing him in that box!?
Dewey: Yeah.
Lois: Can he breathe in there?
Dewey: He's still making noises.
Lois: And he's got food and water?
Dewey: Yeah.
[Long silence]
Lois: Alright..
Dewey: Ahhhh! Help, I'm being eaten!

[Dewey holds up a jar of honey]
Dewey: Is that a bee?
Hal: That is how you know it's fresh. You won't find any bees in your store-bought honey, I'll tell you that much.
Dewey: Where did this come from?
Hal: Spoils of war, Dewey. You know that beehive in the tool shed I've been battling for months? Victory is mine.
Dewey: You did it yourself? [Hal nods]
Dewey: How'd you know how to do that?
Hal: It's instinctual. You see, human beings were born with everything they need to destroy bees. Except the poison. You have to buy that.
Dewey: I feel kind of sorry for the bees, though.
Hal: It's survival of the fittest, Dewey. If they had won, they'd be spreading us on toast right now.

Reese: You can bite my American ass, Zhao Lee.
Dewey: What's up?
Reese: The school made us adopt pen pals from different countries. I get stuck with this loser from China.
Dewey: What's wrong with China?
Reese: It's not what you think, Dewey. He won't send you illegal fireworks or get your nunchucks signed by the Emperor. The guy's a total jerk. It started off with a simple request to apologize for Pearl Harbor. The guy wouldn't do it. I was so pissed.

[Mike opens the box that Reese is in and Reese crawls out of the box]
Reese: [looking up] Aha! I bet you weren't expecting this, Jao! Now you're gonna experience a good old American ass-whooping! :[punches Mike in the leg]
Mike: Hey, quit it!
Reese: I don't speak Chinese, jackass! [punches him again]
Mike: Alright. [repeatedly punches Reese]

Reese: Do you call this clean? I gotta say mom, if you're gonna phone it in, why even bother?
Lois: You just bought yourself two days grounded in your room.
Reese: Fine. Maybe you could use that time to learn how to roll socks.
Lois: Make it three days. You want to go for more?
Reese: No, three's perfect.

"Secret Boyfriend" [7.6][edit]

[Opening scene in which Malcolm brings Reese a soda as they sit down to watch TV]
Malcolm: Here, I brought one for you.
Reese: Thanks. And now I'll take yours because you obviously shook mine up. [Switches cans] Wait a minute! You wanted me to do that! [Switches cans again] Of course you had to have known I was going to know that! [Switches again] Unless you didn't think I was smart enough. But I'm smarter than... You know what? I'm not smart enough to figure it out! So what? Big deal! [Goes to fridge and opens a different can which is shaken and sprays him with soda as he screams]
Malcolm: I'm not sure if I have the gift or he does.

Vicki: [to Malcolm] I think it's really romantic. It's like Romeo & Juliet. Our love has to be hidden.
Malcolm: I'm not hiding it.
Vicki: I wish you would.

Lois: [about Reese] What are we going to do about him, Hal? He shows absolutely no interest in his future.
Hal: I'm sorry, honey. I thought you had given up on him too.

[Lois has a nightmare with her and Hal struggling against Reese in his 50s who's not working and ordering them around.]
Lois: [awakens from her nightmare and marches into the boys' room to confront Reese] Reese, you may think you're pulling some scam, but I'm on to you! You are getting a job starting tomorrow! And keep your dirty mitts off your father's toupee!
[The next morning]
Reese: I had the weirdest dream last night; this crazy witch with snakes for hair was screaming at me. It was like she was gonna kill me but for some reason, it was really important to her that I get a job.
Malcolm: Did she have bugged-out crazy eyes?
Reese: Yeah!
Malcolm: She shows up in a lot of my dreams.

[Reese has a nightmare about him being in his 50s and having to take care of Lois for the rest of his life.]
Lois:[yelling] Reese, get in here quick. [revealing to be obese] It's time for my sponge bath. You think these stomach folds will wash themselves?!
[Reese awakens and screams in terror.]
Reese: [marches into Lois and Hal's room] I'm gonna get a job, I'm gonna have a life of my own away from here. And just in case I don't, you can clean your own damn stomach folds!

"Blackout" [7.7][edit]

[The house lights go out.]
Lois: [in the shower] Hal!
Hal: I paid the bill! It's the whole neighborhood!

Hal: You're here!
Malcolm: Kind of.
Hal: You lied to me! You're not drunk at all!
Malcolm: You said that if I called and said I was drunk, I would not get in trouble!
Hal: That only applies if you're actually drunk!

"Army Buddy" [7.8][edit]

Reese: You were right, Malcolm. She wants me bad. This is a disaster.
Malcolm: Why? You've got a girl that's crazy about you.
Reese: She's my buddy. The best friend I've ever had, but in a roll-around-on-the-floor-and-make-her-smell-my-armpit kind of way.
Malcolm: Everyone has their own kind of foreplay. The important thing now is how you feel about her.
Reese: It's hard to say. Now, when I think about her, I get all nervous in my stomach. Like my bowels could cut loose at any moment.
Malcolm: That's love, dude.
Reese: Wow. You'd think somebody would put that in a song.

Lois: The thing is absolutely nothing is on sale. They take all the stuff off the shelves, dump it in the bins and the people go nuts. I dropped my car keys in one of 'em. I had to wrestle a woman for 20 minutes to get 'em back. Then this 90-year-old man with glaucoma comes in. He wants to pay for his toiletries with a bag full of pennies. We finally settled on five dollars, six buttons, and a run-over bottle cap.

Abby: [to Lois]: I'm Abby Tucker, it's nice to meet you.
Lois: I'm Lois. This is Malcolm.
Abby: Oh, right, Pea Pod. [to Reese] I see what you mean.

Abby: [to Reese] I've been waiting to get you alone, you miserable, scum-sucking piece of garbage.
Reese: Short stack, is that you? I don't believe it! What the hell are you doing here, you ugly grub eater?
Abby: I had a few days' leave. Thought I'd spend it with my favorite idiot.

Lois: [to Abby] I'm sorry. Did you just make a pass at me?
Abby: Ma'am, forgive me.
Lois: Oh, no, no, no, it's not that I'm not flattered, but I'm the mother of, like, five children. I've been married for 100 years. Why would you think.. ?
Abby: I was wrong, ma'am. I was way out of line.
Lois: Do I give off that kind of vibe? Because I would hate to think people are walking around with me giving them false hopes. Would it help if I changed my hair?

Abby: [to Lois] I have to confess, I'm a great admirer of yours, ma'am.
Lois: Me?
Abby: Yes, ma'am. Reese told me so many amazing stories about you. Is it true you once made him cut the front lawn with a pair of manicure scissors?
Lois: I can't take all the credit for that. After all, he was the one who didn't refill the ice cube tray.

"Malcolm Defends Reese" [7.9][edit]

Malcolm: It's bad enough Reese is in the same class as me. What's worse is that Herkabe's turned him into his personal whipping-boy!

[Mr. Herkabe is horrified as Mr. Hodges, North High's principal immediately takes action and revokes his GPA standing with the janitor's help for failing gym. Malcolm is seen pleased at his downfall for humiliating Reese and intentionally trying to make him fail.]
Mr. Hodges: It is a dark day for North High, but given recent information that came to our attention regarding the previous GPA record holder and his failure to meet the Physical Education requirement I have no choice. I take no pleasure in the pain this unfortunate incident has caused, but rules are rules.
[Perks up as he returns the award to a blind, clubfooted woman named Edna Thornby.]
Mr. Hodges: So, I am directing that this plaque be returned to Edna Thornby, who though blind and crippled managed to pass gym.

Malcolm: Tough break, Mr Herkabe.
Mr. Herkabe: [After realizing it was Malcolm who told Mr. Hodges] I know it was you, Malcolm and I wouldn't be so quick to gloat. I'm not defeated yet! I'm like Napoleon at St. Helena, plotting my return!
Malcolm: You mean Elba. He died on St Helena.
Mr. Herkabe: Oh, shut up! I have to call mother before she hears it from someone else.

Reese: [In gym class, enjoying his payback on Herkabe] You call that a monkey dance.
[Tosses more dodgeballs at him.]

Malcolm: [to Herkabe] I'll take your sick little deal so you can keep your pathetic, meaningless plaque.
Herkabe: Thank you, Malcolm. I know that you think this compromise will taste like ashes in my mouth. But something I learned a long time ago... ashes don't taste that bad.

Herkabe: Reese, I'm just looking through my notes here and it appears that was your 20th wrong answer in a row. And you know what that means, don't you?
Class: [all but Malcolm chanting] Monkey dance! Monkey dance! Monkey dance! Monkey dance...
Reese: Monkey dance?
Herkabe: Your first right answer. Well, let's not leave your audience waiting. [Reese starts dancing like a monkey as chanting and laughing continues] Wait, Reese, stop. [turns on a radio that plays "Love Machine" by the Miracles and smiles] OK, continue. [Reese continues to Malcolm's astonishment]

Hal: Some wavy-haired blond boy was chatting up Gina at the bike racks after school.
Dewey: Don't you work?
Hal: Never mind that. The point is, you should have been there!
Dewey: It's probably Stefan. He's no threat. Hal: I saw him, Dewey. He's an Adonis!

Hal: Okay, what you need here is some sort of romantic gesture.
Dewey: What do you mean?
Hal: Just off the top of my head, you could send her a nice box of expensive chocolates.
Dewey: I'm not sure.
Hal: Too late. You already did. You just dropped off a big box on her front doorstep, rang the bell, and ran like hell. You also trampled some of her rose bushes. Congratulations, son.

Hal: [driving alongside Gina] You'll like this candy. It's really good. Come on, just hop in the car! [several minutes later, a cop arrests him under suspicion of attempted child abduction after a neighbor calls 911] Oh, come on, give me a break! Don't you remember your first love?

"Malcolm's Money" [7.10][edit]

Earl: Sorry, pal, you had your chance.
Malcolm: No! You have to take my picture again! Please! I thought I didn't care what people think of me, but I do. I really do!
Earl: Look, kid, I'm making 20 cents a head, and re-shoots come out of my pocket. That adds up to "I don't give a crap."
Malcolm: Don't blame me that you're a no-talent clown who couldn't even cut it at Sears!

Malcolm: [seeing his photo on the screen] What did you do to me?! I look like a freak!
Earl: Kid, that's you. That's what you look like.
Malcolm: I can't let my grandchildren see me like that! You have to fix it! Put on a special filter, or-or brighter lights... Please, you have to fix it.
Earl: Sorry, kid. That's the best I can do. I'm a yearbook photographer, not a magician.

Reese: This is great. I never knew old people could be nice. I thought you were all wrinkled bags of skin babbling about how stuff used to cost less.
Judith: No, some are like that, but there's a few of us who still have some life left.

Reese: Geez, my feet are killing me.
Nick: I told you, you gotta let the blood drip into your shoes. Once it coagulates, then it's like walking on puffy clouds.
Reese: Look at all these people, sitting here, just waiting for death.
Nick: Yeah, I'd like to show those animal rights whackos this place. This is exactly what would happen to cows if it wasn't for us.

Dewey: What about this watch, Dad? It's only $12.99.
Hal: That's where they get you, son. See, it says $12.99, but that doesn't include the hidden costs. Shipping, handling, box tops... by the time you're through, you're paying on the high side of $15. I've never owned a $15 watch.
Dewey: But I need one, Dad!
Hal: Son, a cork and a piece of string make a perfectly fine sundial and a great conversation piece with the ladies.

"Bride of Ida" [7.11][edit]

[Reese and Malcolm are horrified to discover they're being left with Ida]
Reese: What's Grandma doing here?!
Malcolm: You never said Grandma was coming!
Lois: I didn't? Then it's just a nice surprise for you boys. Remember last month when you came in after curfew and said, "What are you going to do about it"? Sorry it took me so long to get back to you!

Raduca: I will marry you.
Ida: I forbid you to do this!
Raduca: You cannot forbid me! I am American girl now. I have iPod! I wear thong! I shave! [shows a clean-shaven armpit]
Ida: Hide your shame, whore!

[After Dewey misses his flight, gets his hand shut in a door, and gets sprayed in the eye with hot sauce]
Lois: Well, the redness is going down. I think you can compete just fine.
Dewey: Why don't you just cut the act, mom? You got what you wanted.
Lois: What are you talking about?
Dewey: You don't like watching me be successful because it reminds you you never did anything with your life. And now, instead of taking joy in your kids' accomplishments, you undermine us so we won't show you up! Maybe it's unconscious, maybe you know you're doing it. But that's what's been going on this whole trip!
Lois: So what?

Ida: In our country, after a boy turns 16, he becomes a "barochi." We watch this boy for one year. Then, when he is ready, he is plucked from his mother's teat and thrown into the town square, where he must battle with the other boys for dominance.
Malcolm: Wait, up until this point, they're still breastfeeding?
Ida: It keeps families close.

Ida: Reese, I've watched you grow all these years. You are the one hope for this family. I just pray you are ready to become a man. [slaps him]
Reese: Ow! Hey, what was that for?
Ida: You are ready.

Malcolm: Grandma, this is not only moronic, it's impossible. For one thing, there is no village full of boys for Reese to fight.
Ida: No, we will have to make do. The closest thing we have to a boy is you.

Ida: Two boys enter, one man emerges. [Points to Reese] You must beat him at every contest, or there will be no bride for you.
Reese: I really appreciate you doing this for me.
Malcolm: Listen, moron, I'm not doing this to help you get married. I'm gonna try to win to keep you from flushing your life down the toilet.

Female Security Agent: [to Lois] Ma'am, I need to touch your breasts.
Lois: You need to touch my what?!
Female Security Agent: I'm required to probe with the back of my hand. If you like, you can request up to 2 female witnesses. [putting on rubber gloves]
Lois: Let me understand this. Because I made a comment about first class, I am being singled out for a public feel-up?
Dewey: [yelling] Oh, for God's sake, Mom, just let her touch your boobs!!!
Male Agent: The kid makes a lot of sense, ma'am. Now do you want to do this the easy way or the hard way? [More security agents surround her as she becomes enraged]
[Several minutes later, they wait for another flight]
Hal: OK, the tickets are changed. The next flight leaves in 15 hours.
Dewey: So I get no time to practice and no sleep tonight!
[Lois makes an embarrassing smile]

Ida: You will take Raduca for your bride.
Reese: You mean, like, I marry her? Now?
Ida: That is why I brought Raduca to this country.
Malcolm: You brought her here six months ago. She's been working as your slave.
Ida: I should get something for my troubles.

Ida: [to Raduca] Be careful with those bags, you cow.
Lois: Hi, Raduca.
Raduca: Family, howdy.
Ida: You're here to work, not gossip like a fishwife!

"College Recruiters" [7.12][edit]

Hal: Another college recruiter? When I was applying, believe me, there were no recruiters. If I hadn't found that ad inside that matchbook, I may never have pursued higher education!

Reese: For your information, marriage isn't just about sex. It's about commitment. You know, we can't have sex until after the waiting period.
Malcolm: The waiting period?
Reese: Poor, naive Malcolm! All women, when they get married, require a waiting period from six months to a year.

Lois: [about Raduca] Did you see the way she talks to him? She's broken his spirit.
Hal: He's not our Reese any more.
Lois: I know. It's fantastic!

"Mono" [7.13][edit]

Malcolm: This is so awesome. Mom and Dad just got back from the doctor's, and it turns out she has mono. She's been ordered to stay in bed for two weeks. After all those years of stepping on cracks, it finally paid off. I mean, it's no broken back, but I'll take it.

Reese: [to Dewey] Your attitude's been pretty lousy lately. I know you've been spitting in my sandwiches. I mean, I still eat them, but now the trust is gone.

Reese: [at the computer] I can't wait until everyone at school finds out you got the kissing disease from mom, which will happen right about... [clicks a button on the computer's mouse] now.
Malcolm: I didn't kiss her; you saw it.
Reese: What I saw was you and Mom making out on the couch. Dewey?
Dewey: It was disgusting.
Malcolm: [frustrated] She licked her finger and touched my face!
Reese: Spare us the perv details.

Hal: Okay, I'm going over to Dave and Tina's. Everything okay in here?
Lois: We're fine.
Malcolm: Fizzazzine.
Lois: Fizzazzine. Feeling mizzazzuch bizzetter.
Hal: Are you taking your pills?
Lois: Gizzo awazzay.
Malcolm: Yeah, lizzeave us alazzone.
Hal: Okay, well... gizzazzood bizzazzye.
Lois: What? Hal, you're not making any sense.
Malcolm: That's really weird, Dad. [when Hal leaves, Lois and Malcolm start laughing.]

Hal: Okay, Jamie. Here we go. None of mommy's monster germs are in here. But don't get too comfortable in the big boys' room. It's only temporary.
Dewey: He's never leaving, is he?
Hal: What? No. This is just until it's safe to go back into our room.
Reese: You said the same thing when Dewey moved in. Are you gonna take him back now that your ringworm's better?
Hal: I told you we are still on yellow alert with that!

Lois: Malcolm, quit hogging the covers. You're just like your father in bed.

"Hal Grieves" [7.14][edit]

Hal: Honey... I lost my dad. [starts crying and hugs Lois]
Lois: There, there. [looks over Hal's shoulder and mouths "You are dead" to Malcolm, even though he actually did nothing wrong but try to stop Hal from going through the purchase]

Malcolm: It was weird going to Grandpa's funeral. We hardly even knew we had a grandpa, and now we don't. Reese is taking it really hard.
Reese: [crying] Why?! Why?! Why couldn't he die before he lost all his money?!

Lois: Abe, Hal's father died.
Abe: And I will not let him die in vain. I will call Sulu. I will call Chekov. And if they say no, so help me, I will call the Gorn.
Lois: Abe, stop, just stop. I appreciate you're trying to help, but I don't need any of this. I'm going to take Hal to a bed and breakfast for a nice weekend, and that's it. He just needs some emotional comfort.
Abe: So, you think a weekend of nurturing and sex is going to get him through this? Do you even know this man?!

Reese: They say money can't buy love, but they're wrong.

Reese: Mom's the kind of crazy where she always yells at us. But Dad's the kind of crazy where he buys us an Xbox 360.

Dewey: This is so awesome.
Reese: Yeah, I don't know what alien worm burrowed into Dad's brain, but I'd like to shake its hand.

Reese: You think Dad could really be doing this to buy our love?
Dewey: I guess.
Reese: I say we squeeze him for all he's got.
Dewey: It's the least we could do for him.

Abe: [about Hal] How's he doing?
Lois: Well, he seems to be doing fine, but he can't be. His father just died. He got more upset when his transmission gave out.
Abe: Well, he did just have it rebuilt.

Reese: I get three meat toppings for the price of one!
Dewey: No, no! Buy two pizzas, get one free!
Reese: That's two free cheese pizzas! I'd rather eat vomit!

George Takei: Would it be all right if I came inside for a glass of water?
Dewey: No, I'm not allowed to let anyone in. But you can wait outside and drink from the garden hose.
George Takei: With pleasure.

Leonard Nimoy: [over the phone] I'd be very happy to help your friend. It's very sad when a man loses his father. I've been through loss myself.
Lois: Oh, that's very kind of you, Mr. Nimoy. I'm his wife.
Leonard Nimoy: So, will this be charged to your credit card?

"A.A." [7.15][edit]

[Lois and Hal are preparing to leave, and Lois stops to address the boys]
Lois: Before I forget...
[Lois picks up a vase on a table]
Lois: This is the one thing left in this house that I care about. I don't want to spend the next two days worrying about 'How will they break it,' 'Where will they hide the pieces,' 'How will they lie about it when I come home?' So...
[Lois drops and breaks the vase as the boys look on]
Lois: There. Now I can relax.

Speaker (referring to Lois): We all have an "L" in our lives. My "L" was the Vietnam War. Thankfully, though, I don't have to visit my "L" on Christmas and holidays.

Hal (about Francis): We're useless. We're like his appendix. Now he's just going to open up his stomach, remove us, and put us in a jar up on a shelf, right there in the living room... or the den, or a mantlepiece, if he's got one.

Lois: Come on, Hal! We're going to be late.
Hal: Fine, but I don't see what the big deal is. So what if he stopped drinking for a year? I thought that's what you're supposed to do in A.A.
Lois: Francis' one year anniversary of sobriety is very important to him.
Hal: Sounds to me like it was just dreamed up by the greeting card companies.

Francis: We're also celebrating my new job. (gives Hal a laser-etched crystal)
Lois: Francis, that's wonderful! What is it?
Francis: A laser-etched crystal. It's the perfect fusion of science and art.
Hal: Wow, the detail is amazing. And you can see everything on this nude fairy.
Piama: That's me.
Hal: Oh! (nearly drops the crystal)

Francis: And this is my mother.
Crash: She's real?!
Lois: Excuse me?
Crash: It's... I thought... I don't know what I thought. I'm sorry. Excuse me. (runs off)

Hal: Uh, Lois, let's not ruin Francis' special day.
Lois: Why not? Apparently, I've ruined everything else!
Hal: What's past is past.
Lois: "What's past is past"?! So, you think this is all my fault, too?!
Hal: Can we discuss this in the other room?
Lois: There is no other room!

Francis (looking in a mirror): You know, maybe Mom was right. I was blaming her and the alcohol for my problems when the real problem was always right in front of me... (looks at Piama's reflection)
Piama: Me?!
Francis: Yes, you. Who else could it be? Why didn't you tell me I wasn't an alcoholic?!
Piama: How am I supposed to know?! You seemed messed up to me.
Francis: You made me look like an idiot!
Piama: Well, that wasn't hard to do!
Francis: Was that an insult?!

Malcolm: Reese, we have access to a car with no adult supervision. We can do whatever we want, and if we get caught? They'd blame Mom and Dad for being absentee parents. This is the perfect crime.
Dewey: I was thinking we could drive to the arcade.
Reese: Arcade? What are you, 12?
Dewey: Yeah.

Reese: (to Dewey) It's like you're killing my children!!!! (turns on blender mixing in junk for Dewey to drink)
Dewey: Wait!
Reese: Shut up, Dewey! That's not the end I want to be hearing from! (pours the junk in Dewey's mouth)
Dewey: (chokes and gags from the junk Reese made)

Reese: I don't know why we're doing this. I have a much faster way to do this.
Malcolm: We're not cutting him open, Reese.

"Lois Strikes Back" [7.16][edit]

Malcolm: Tell me, did it feel good to cut through Elmo's neck?

Lois: Are you trying to calm me down?
Hal: No. I just don't think it leads anywhere good when you get like this.
Lois: (quietly) Get like what?
Hal: Well... you know.
Lois: No, I don't know. How is it I get?
Hal: Well...
Lois: If I have a problem, I would love for you to explain it to me. (pause; Lois continues glaring at Hal)
Hal: You know what, honey? This seems like a-a much longer conversation, and it just so happens that I am right in the middle of a project in the garage.

Lois: I've been a terrible mother.
Reese: It's okay, Mom. I've known that for a long time.:

Hal: And I actually think that Reese is coming around a little bit. (Reese is heard crying in the distance) Well, I brought him soup yesterday, and he couldn't even make a sound.

"Hal's Dentist" [7.17][edit]

Lois: There's this stupid bike-a-thon at work. Some idiot made a big stink about how the store isn't doing enough for charity.
Reese: Then don't do it.
Lois: I have to. I'm the idiot.

Reese (to Lois): No, lady! I don't want your drugs! (winks)

Reese (to Lois): You're in the middle of an alley trying to get on a bike. You are ashamed of something. I can always smell shame. It's kind of like rotten coconut.

Malcolm: Nothing exciting ever happens around here.
(A bed mattress falls from the sky, landing on the ground)
Dewey: Wow, we even have boring miracles.

Reese: Mom, you might not know this, but I used to be afraid of a lot of things. Thunder, frogs, mailboxes...
Lois: You were afraid of mailboxes?
Reese: I used to imagine that if I stuck my hand in a mailbox, it would slam shut and rip my hand off. But I had something conquer my fear by ripping the lid off every mailbox in the neighborhood! I turned that fear into hate!

Trey: Enjoying Lord of the Rings in high-def?
Hal: Oh, it's unbelievable! No lines, no commercials; I'm bringing Lois here for our anniversary. Oh, I still can't get over all this: (touches the sink) a real sink to spit in; I really don't have to swallow it.
Trey: Hal, are you crying?
Hal: They're good tears.

Dewey (about the mattress): Whoa, this is brand new! At least, what I think a mattress would look like new. It's got no lumps.
Malcolm: (getting excited) No weird stains...
Dewey: (getting excited, too) No springs sticking out of it...
Malcolm & Dewey: (in unison) It's got tags.

Reese: Wait, you see that?
Malcolm: What?
Reese: It's a dead squirrel! Gentlemen, our week just built up!
Dewey: Sorry, not interested.
Malcolm: Sure, it looks good to you now. It's just gonna wind up in the closet like all the others. Pass.
Reese: Your loss. See you, suckers.

Reese: Oh, it's too hard? Well, why didn't you say so? When things get tough, you got to just give up and run away from your dreams. Lower your expectations. That's fine. I've had my fun. If you want to quit, go ahead and quit.
Lois: All right, Reese, you made your point. Let's give it a try.
Reese: No, I was really saying quit.

Lois: Hal, you have an infection. You have to see a dentist.
Hal: I made an appointment with Dr. Voorhees tomorrow.
Lois: Isn't that the guy we took Dewey's hamster to?

Dewey: Listen to yourself. That's insane. This bed is evil. It's draining your soul, Malcolm.

Malcolm: What happened to the new mattress?
Dewey: What are you talking about?
Malcolm: The mattress! I know there was a mattress!
Dewey: Maybe it was a dream?
Malcolm: It wasn't a dream! The mattress was perfect and white and felt like a cloud! It feel out of the sky and it made me happy!
Dewey: Was it just a bed or was there a beanstalk, too?

Malcolm: Maybe it was a dream.
Dewey: You were happy, Malcolm. Of course it was a dream.

Malcolm: Wow, and I thought Reese was the one dragging us down.
Dewey: Maybe we should see how he's doing with his squirrel.
Malcolm: If I know Reese, all the good parts are gone by now.

"Bomb Shelter" [7.18][edit]

Malcolm: So, I'll see you tomorrow?
Danielle: Right. Oh, there was one more thing. (kisses Malcolm) Nope, that wasn't it. See ya.

Dewey: What if we do everything on his "To Do" board and then let him out?
Reese: That's brilliant. He couldn't be mad at us if we did all this for him. He's got stuff on here that he's been meaning to do for years. (reads note) "Change Dewey's diaper."

Malcolm: Turns out, I'm naturally talented at science and dancing. Two things that are guaranteed to get me beat up.

Malcolm: Can we please just get my underwear and get out of here?
Lois: Malcolm, you know it's hard to buy underwear for you. You have your father's irregular crotch.
Hal: Nothing to be ashamed of, son. If a woman really loves you, it won't bother her a bit.

"Stevie in the Hospital" [7.19][edit]

Malcolm: Excuse me, what room is Stevie Kenarban in?
Receptionist: Let me check. He's in room 220 right up the elevator.
Malcolm: Thank you. (starts to walk away, but comes back) I was going to come visit yesterday morning, but I had this giant hole in my lunch bag and everything just spilled out. My tuna sandwich was fine, but my orange started rolling down the hill, and by the time I caught up with it, I was late for school.
Receptionist: It's still room 220.
Malcolm: (starts to walk away, but comes back) Where would it be possible to find a gift?
Receptionist: I would try the gift shop.
Malcolm: Good idea. Thanks.

Clerk: (to Malcolm) Can I help you find something?
Malcolm: Yeah, do you have any cards that don't say "Get well"?
Clerk: This is a hospital. Usually, we're rooting for the patient.

Reese: Did you know how hard it was to get this job? Everywhere else I applied called my references. Thank God telemarketing has no standards. Basically, I get to harass old people and shut-ins all day. I'm getting paid to do what I love.

Dewey: Mom, did you remember to buy me the baking soda for my class project?
Lois: I forgot.
Dewey: What? I asked you, like, five times!
Lois: That I remember.

Supervisor: (to Reese) How's everything going over here?
Reese: People are so stupid they'll believe anything. I threw the fact sheet out the window and just started making stuff up.
Supervisor: Ah, no problem. I made up the fact sheet.

"Cattle Court" [7.20][edit]

Dewey: And you people wonder why I wake up screaming all the time?

Malcolm: Okay, so I lied and destroyed a man so I can go to a concert. I'll get him a t-shirt.

Lois: Okay, this is the only universe this could possible exist in. I'm 90 years old. Hal is dead. I have dementia and I need someone to keep me from catching on fire. There's no money for a nurse, my sons won't do it, and I'm asleep for 22 hours a day. Then, and only then, maybe we could be together.
Craig: It's like you're reading straight out of my diary.

Malcolm: For once in your life, Craig, be a man!
Craig: (about Lois) I hate her! (runs off crying)

Malcolm: I am so happy. I'm sneaking out to a concert Friday night while Mom works the late shift. The band sucks, but I have backstage passes. And if that's even one billionth as insane as I've always imagined it, I could die happy.

Hal: (reading a small piece of paper) "This coupon entitles you to one free game night with Dad."
Dewey: Let's go.
Hal: Dewey, I wrote this in a blind panic in the hall closet while everyone was singing to you "Happy Birthday." You're not gonna hold me to this, are you? (pauses) Does it have an expiration date?
Dewey: Nope.

Hal: What kind of lesson is this stupid game teaching you? Where is the card that says hemorrhoids are not covered by your health plan?

"Morp" [7.21][edit]

Girl 1: A.J., you moron, the canned food drive was not a fascist conspiracy and neither is this!
Girl: My God, the back biting, the name calling... this is just like French Club!

Lois: Well, here is poor, neglected Dewey having a great time at SeaWorld.
Dewey: (looking at photo) It's so blurry, I can't even tell that's me.
Hal: Well, you can't prove it's not.

Malcolm: AJ, you can't be serious.
AJ: Hey, it took guts for those girls to come down here and apologize. And I'd like to think I'm big enough to be able to admit I'd like to have sex with one of them.

Hal: Ah, my driver's license. We're getting closer.
Lois: Look at that. He drew a mustache on you.
Hal: No, I did that. I wanted to see how it looked.

Carla: That's inspired. (reads poster) "A Night to Cherish"? It makes last year's "A Night to Remember" seem so shallow.
Kelly: Yeah, I wouldn't expect you to show up, anyway, Carla. You'll probably be home alone in your room, listening to Morrissey and gouging out the eyes of models in Vogue magazine.
Carla: Aw, does this mean we're not best friends anymore?

Lois: That was a good thing you did, son.
Dewey: Thanks.
Lois: Enjoy the cake. That's the last thing you're going to eat in a long time that hasn't been dipped in sardine juice.(Dewey looks shocked while Lois takes a picture) Hey! Finally, a picture for your memory book. (puts a birthday hat on Dewey)

Hal: That is a really nice camera. How could you afford... ? (remembering Dewey took his wallet and money) Right.

Malcolm: (as everyone leaves to go to the prom while leaving the morp) You can't just let them say "I'm sorry" after 12 years of treating us like crap! Wait a minute. they never even said, "sorry!" This is a trap! These are the same people who made fun of your clothes all through school, and laughed at your haircuts, and called you Malcolm-Balcolm! You'll be sorry!
Naked Guy: (goes up to Malcolm) Finally, now we've got some breathing room in here.
(Malcolm looks disgusted)

"Graduation" [7.22][edit]

Craig: Sorry we're late. You wouldn't believe the fight we got into over shower curtains.
Reese: Those dolphins were gay.
Craig: You think all dolphins are gay.
Reese: Well, dolphins are gay.
Craig: Dolphins could kill sharks!
Reese: Gay guys could kill sharks, and they're still gay!

Piama: Lois, I really think he's gonna do it this time! You gotta stop him! [Francis storms in and seizes a poker from the fireplace]
Francis: There you are! I drove by eighty miles of blunt objects just to get to you! I HOPE YOU RUN!
Ida: You better make that first swing count, princess!
[While Francis attempts to stab his grandma]
Lois: Hal...
Hal: Right. (Calming down Francis) Son. Don't feel bad. In some parallel universe you did it.

[Last lines in the series]
Reese: And when they found the peepholes in the bathroom, they fired Al and brought me on full-time. Grandma's right: it's good to have a patsy. So, how's it going for you, Mr. Ivy League big shot?
Malcolm: It's great. It's a whole new world. Hey, listen, I gotta get to my calc class. I'll talk to you later.

Reese: What did I miss?
Malcolm: There was this big explosion. Some fire shot out and now he's just come to.
Reese: What?! I was just gone for a second!
Dewey: Shhhhhhh! I wanna see this.
Lois:[walks in and sees Hal attempting to fix the TV] Oh for God's sakes, Hal. Pay the money and get a repairman.
Hal: I am not wasting good money when I am perfectly capable of...
[Hal screams as he gets shocked from his feeble attempt to fix the TV set and the boys laugh at him. Lois leaves embarrassed at Hal for being a idiot for refusing to call a TV repairman to do the job properly]

[Cleaning up after the explosion of Reese's giant stinkbomb]
Malcolm: [furious] You know what? I'm glad. This is appropriate! Now my life looks exactly how I feel! How could you screw me over like that?!
Lois: Because you were going to take that job, and we are not going to let you throw your life away!
Malcolm: How is being rich throwing my life away?!
Lois: Because it's not the life you're supposed to have! The life you're supposed to have is you go to Harvard, and you earn every fellowship and internship they have! You graduate first in your class and you start working in public service- either district attorney or running some foundation- and then you become Governor of a mid-size state and then you become President.
Malcolm: What?!
Lois: Of the United States.
Malcolm: Dad...!
Hal: I'm sorry, son. It's true. [Malcolm looks at his brothers, who all nod in agreement]
Francis: Thought you knew.
Hal: Our expectations started out much smaller, but you just kept upping the ante.
Malcolm: What if I don't want to be President?!
Lois: It's too late for that, you're gonna do it!
Malcolm: [sarcastic] Really?! Have you decided my position of capital gains tax cuts?! What are my foreign policy objectives?!
Lois: That doesn't matter. What does matters is that you will be the only person in that position who will ever give a crap about people like us! We've been getting the short end of the stick for thousands of years and I, for one, am sick of it! Now you are going to be President, mister, and that's the end of it!
Malcolm: Did it ever occur to you that I could have taken this job, gotten really rich and bought my way into being President?!
Lois: Of course it did. We decided against it.
Malcolm: WHAT?!
Lois: Because then you wouldn't be a good President. You wouldn't have suffered enough.
Malcolm: I've been suffering all my life!
Lois: I'm sorry, but it's not enough. You know what it's like to be poor and you know what it's like to work hard. Now you're going to learn what it's like to sweep floors and bust your ass and accomplish twice as much as all the kids around you. And it won't mean anything because they will still look down on you, and you will want so much for them to like you and they just won't. And that'll break your heart, and that'll make your heart bigger and open your eyes, and finally you will realize that there's more to life than proving you're the smartest person in the world! I'm sorry, Malcolm, but you don't get the easy path. You don't get to just have fun and be rich and live the life of luxury.
Hal: That's Dewey.
Dewey: [gleeful] Really?
Malcolm: This is unbelievable! You actually expect me to become President?! No, no, I'm sorry- you expect me to be one of the greatest Presidents in the history of the United States!
Lois: You look me in the eye and tell me you can't do it. [Malcolm can only stand in silence]


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