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- I wanna tell you a story
- Catchphrase, e.g. Daily Mail 24th May 2011 
- My outlook is that life is like a self-service restaurant and you have to help yourself. Sometimes when you see what the other fella has got, you want some of it too.
- On being unfaithful to his wife; Daily Mail 24th May 2011
- I'd never malign another performer, but the style is not good enough. They've done away with laugh pay-offs. We were given nine minutes or eight minutes. Now they wander wherever they like, they don't get to any jokes before they've been on for two minutes. We had to make an impact in ten seconds.
- Deprecating modern comedians; Metro, 2002