- [on loudspeaker] Attention. Camp North Star, senior staff, counselors, counselors-in-training, please rise for our national anthem. [plays bagpipe music] How about that anthem, huh? Gee, I don't know about you, but I just get a great big lump in my throat every time I hear it. Well, it's, uh, seven o'five in the, uh, AM and it's, uh... Wow! Forty-three degrees on the old Camp North Star weather dial. That is kind of nippy for a June twenty-five, isn't it? Whew. I'm Tripper Harrison. [gets out of bed] AHH!! AHHHHH!!! Ahhhhh, I'm your head counselor. And this is my wake-up show. I'll be coming at you every morning, about this time, hoping to make your summer camp experience the best available... in this price range. Of course, across the lake, over at Camp Mohawk, uh, they won't be getting up for another hour or so. And when they do, they will be awakened by servants bearing croissants and café au lait. [turns on the coffee and spits] Oops, hope I didn't hit anybody. But over here, at Camp North Star this morning, we're gonna be having a delicious gruel breakfast and don't forget to ask for seconds because it's all the gruel you can eat.
- [on loudspeaker] Attention, all campers. Afternoon swim schedule is as follows: Advanced Dolphins, report to the dock for survival swimming and IQ testing. All Senior Silverfish, meet on the beach for nude sunbathing. Junior Salmon, Trout and Herring, report to the nearest delicatessen. Six-year-old Tadpoles, report to the swamp. And all Lobsters, get outta here! You're a menace!
- [on loudspeaker] Attention! Here's an update on tonight's dinner. It was veal. I repeat, veal. The winner of tonight's mystery meat contest is Jeffrey Corbin who guessed "some kind of meat." Congratulations, Jeffery. You've just won a brand new Chrysler Cordoba and you can pick it up at Morty's office.
- [on loudspeaker] Attention all campers! Uh, it's now 9:30 and that's lights out time; 9:30 as you know. Tomorrow is Parent's Day and you must look rested or Morty will be sent to the state penitentiary.
- Guys, it’s important for us to hustle at both ends of the court. We gotta make the offense work. We gotta play that big tough D, we gotta contain their big men inside. We gotta crash the boards on offense. We can’t give them the baseline at any price. But more important than the score of this game is to score at the big social at our place tonight. So, I want you guys to go out there and protect your balls at any cost. Bruce Lee, patron of self defense, pray for us!
- [enters the dance] Okay! Virgins on the right, non-virgins on the left. You fellas can divide them up any way you like.
- [on loudspeaker] Attention, campers. Arts and crafts has been canceled due to bad taste. All junior girls are now junior boys...and Nurse DeMarco says that the raccoon fever epidemic is officially over.
- [on loudspeaker] Important announcement: some hunters have been seen in the woods near Piney Ridge Trail and the Fish and Game Commission has raised the legal kill limit on campers to three, so if you're hiking today, please wear something bright and keep low. Good luck.
- The C.I.T's: [singing] We are the C.I.T.s so pity us.
The kids are brats; the food is hideous.
We're gonna smoke and drink and fool around.
We are the North Star C.I.T.s!
- Wendy: Tripper, I'm looking forward for some action this summer. I hope you and your gentlemen can supply it for me.
- Tripper: Well, I could supply it, but they guy you got to watch out for is Spaz.
- Wendy: Spaz?
- Tripper: He's a sex machine.
- Wendy: Are you kidding me? He couldn't wake me up with a trumpet and a drum.
- Tripper: Well, I went out with him one night and he got us six nurses by himself, and four of them couldn't report to work the next morning.
- Interviewer: These children are going to the most glamorous of all summer camps: Camp Mohawk. There's a two year waiting list and every child has to be voted in. On top of that it costs $1,000 a week to to go to Camp Mohawk. The question is, is it worth a $1,000 a week?
- Tripper: [walks over] It sure is. It's the best darn camp there is.
- Interviewer: Well, are you connected with Camp Mohawk?
- Tripper: Well, I think so. I'm the program director, Jerry Aldini.
- Interviewer: Well, how do you justify a $1,000 a week?
- Tripper: Well, we have some special programs. Uh, we're doing Shakespeare in the Round again this year, of course. Uh, our political round table, Henry Kissinger will appear. Yasser Arafat is gonna come out, spend a weekend with the kids. Just rap with them.
- Interviewer That's amazing!
- Tripper: And the kids wanted animals. So this year, each camper will stalk and kill his own bear in our private wildlife preserve.
- Interviewer: Are you sure the children can, uh, can hack that?
- Tripper: We'll see. But, the real excitement, of course, is gonna come at the end of the summer, uh, during Sexual Awareness Week. We import 200 hookers from around the world, and each camper, armed with only a thermos of coffee and $2,000 cash, tries to visit as many countries as he can and the winner, of course, is named King of Sexual Awareness Week and is allowed to rape and pillage the neighboring towns until camp ends.
- Interviewer That's incredible.
- Tripper: What'd you expect for $1,000 a week? Hey, you have a good summer too, huh?
- Tripper: Can I have some fries, please? [sees Rudy sitting in a diner both] Hey! Gerner. How's it goin'? This is the best damn food in the whole Two Pines area. Not surprised you found this place. I heard you pegged for a gourmet first time I met you. You know, that's a smart move bringing a suitcase. You don't wanna be leaving a lot of valuable socks and underwear around camp where people can wrestle around in them when you're out on the town. [Waiter brings Tripper his French fries] Thank you. [to Rudy] You like ketchup?
- Rudy: I'm going away.
- Tripper: You goin' to Vegas? If you're going to Vegas, man, then I would be up for it cause I love that town. I'm a party guy, I love that town.
- Rudy: I don't think they want me around.
- Tripper: You talking about the soccer-heads back there? Well, that's life in the fast pace, slam, bang, live on the razor's edge, laugh in the face of death, world of junior league soccer.
- Rudy: I'm serious, I've never played the game before! I tried to tell them.
- Tripper: What? You tried to tell... and they... Who was it? I'll get 'em. I'll get 'em with this Swiss army knife. The Swiss trained me to kill and I will do it; I will grab these guys by the neck, take the toothpick and stick it right in between their teeth! And then I'll slap them around the head a couple of times. They'll go out for just a couple of seconds, they'll be unconscious and what I'll do then, I'll go for the corkscrew. And I'll grap 'em and I will take that corkscrew and I will stick it right into the voicebox. I will twist that mofo, I will twist it, rip it out and he'll talk like this for the rest of his life!
- Rudy: I don't wanna hurt anyone. I just want them to like me.
- Tripper: Why? You make one good friend a summer and you're doing pretty well. Look, if you have trouble, come to me, tell me, and I'll help you.
- Tripper: Okay, the zone's not working. They're a little bit too good to cover man-to-man, and we can't shoot for shit.
- Crockett: What kind of talk's that for a coach?
- tripper: I'm not gonna lie. There's no way we're gonna beat this team.
- Wheels: What are we gonna do, Trip?
- Tripper: We're gonna lose.
- Wheels: What?
- Tripper: But we can lose with some self-respect.
- Tripper: [while dancing together] Is that a bra you're wearing or are you expecting an assassination attempt?
- Roxanne: Are those Clorets in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
- Tripper: Okay. We're even. Three years of this, I don't think I have many lines left. Frankly, Roxanne, I'm frightened.
- Roxanne: Oh, don't go human on me now, Trip.
- Rudy: I saw you dancing with Roxanne.
- Tripper: Oh yeah? Well, she sorta cornered me and there was nothing I could do without embarrassing her.
- Rudy: Do you like her?
- Tripper: Well, I feel sorry for her, you know. She's got a glass eye. And, uh, I'm one of the few people who knows exactly which eye to look at when they're talking to her, so she's sort of fixated on me.
- Rudy: Well, I like her.
- Tripper: Well you're not exactly known for your taste. I'll probably just use her for the rest of the summer and then throw her on the scrap heap with all the rest of the women that I've destroyed. Uh, I have to go on this overnight. I'm takin' the C.I.T.s on an overnight for the next couple days so you're gonna have to do your own training, son. I want you to run two miles today and two and a half tomorrow.
- Rudy: I've never run that far.
- Tripper: Neither have I, but somebody's gotta do it. I can't be expected to do it. Somebody's gotta do it, and it can't be me! Because I'm too busy. I've responsibilities. I'm the entertainment director for the overnight. [holds up a bottle of wine]
- Tripper: It's a weird moon. Moon kills, you know. It feeds off the earth. On a night like this, one of us could get up in the middle of the night, grab an axe and cut someone's head off. [Fink laughs and howls] I remember a night like this a few years ago. A guy and a girl went out driving, it was one of their first dates, started out kind of casual, but they ended up deciding to go park. Not too far from here, as a matter of fact. Well, they were going at it, listening to the radio. All of the sudden a news bulletin broke, "Dangerous lunatic has escaped from the hospital of the criminally insane at Two Pines."
- A.L.: Oh, come on, Trip.
- Tripper: They described him as a monster, six and a half feet tall, two-hundred and sixty pounds, with one horrible distinguishing feature: a sharpened-stainless steel hook... where his right hand used to be. That was enough for the guy. He slammed the car into gear, floored it, bounced off a tree, didn't stop until they got to the girl's house. Got out of his side, walked around to hers. There, hanging in the door, covered with blood... was a stainless-steel hook. The strangest part is that after all these years, after the biggest man hunt in Two Pines history, they never found the killer! Some people say he's still out here in the woods waiting for the chance to kill again. And I say... I say they're right! [reveals a fake hook on his right hand, scaring everyone, and chases Roxanne into the forest, followed by everyone laughing]
- Larry: Hey, my dinner!
- Wheels: Isn't that a bullshit story?
- Jackie: No, it's true. I heard it before.
- Wendy: Yeah.
- Jackie: Only I heard it was on a beach.
- Wendy: Yeah.
- Hardware: No, I heard it happened at a park.
- Spaz: Oh, I heard it, but the guy was missing a foot.
- Larry: How could the guy have a hook on his foot!?
- Morty: Hey, gang, come on! Look it, just `cause we're losing doesn't mean it's all over.
- Phil: Cut the crap, Morty. I mean, the Mohawks have beaten us the last twelve years, they're gonna beat us again.
- Tripper: That's just the attitude we don't need. Sure, Mohawk has beaten us twelve years in a row. Sure, they're terrific athletes. They've got the best equipment that money can buy. Hell, every team they're sending over here has their own personal masseuse, not masseur, masseuse. But it doesn't matter. Do you know that every Mohawk competitor has an electrocardiogram, blood and urine tests every 48 hours to see if there's any change in his physical condition? Do you know that they use the most sophisticated training methods from the Soviet Union, East and West Germany, and the newest Olympic power Trinidad-Tobago? But it doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER. I tell you, IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER! IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER! IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!
- The group: IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER! IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER...
- Tripper: And even, and even if we win, if we win, HAH! Even if we win! Even if we play so far over our heads that our noses bleed for a week to ten days. Even if God in Heaven above comes down and points his hand at our side of the field. Even if every man, woman and child held hands together and prayed for us to win, it just wouldn't matter, because all the really good looking girls would still go out with the guys from Mohawk 'cause they've got all the money! It just doesn't matter if we win or we lose. IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!
- The group: IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER! IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER...
- Are you ready for a good time?
- The Sumer Camp That Makes You Untrustworthy, Disloyal, Unhelpful, Unfriendly, Discourteous, Unkind, Disobedient, and Very Hilarious.
- Bill Murray - Tripper Harrison
- Chris Makepeace - Rudy Gerner
- Harvey Atkin - Morty "Mickey" Melnick
- Kate Lynch - Roxanne
- Russ Banham - Crockett
- Kristine DeBell - A.L.
- Sarah Torgov - Candace
- Jack Blum - Spaz
- Keith Knight - Larry "Fink" Finkelstein
- Cindy Girling - Wendy
- Todd Hoffman - Wheels
- Margot Pinvidic - Jackie
- Matt Craven - Hardware
- Norma Dell'Agnese - Brenda
- Michael Kirby - Eddy