Metalocalypse (season 1)
The following is a list of quotes from the first season Metalocalypse.
- 1 The Curse of Dethklok (1.01)
- 2 Dethwater (1.02)
- 3 Birthdayface (1.03)
- 4 Dethtroll (1.04)
- 5 Dethkomedy (1.05)
- 6 Dethfam (1.06)
- 7 Performanceklok (1.07)
- 8 Snakes n' Barrels (1.08)
- 9 Mordland (1.09)
- 10 Fat Kid at the Detharmonic (AKA Fatklok) (1.10)
- 11 Skwisklok (1.11)
- 12 Murdering Outside the Box (1.12)
- 13 Go Forth and Die (1.13)
- 14 Bluesklok (1.14)
- 15 Religionklok (1.15)
- 16 Dethkids (1.16)
- 17 Dethclown (1.17)
- 18 Girlfriendklok (1.18)
- 19 Dethstars (1.19)
- 20 The Metalocalypse Has Begun (1.20)
- 21 External links
The Curse of Dethklok (1.01)
- Pickles: They're trying to tell you that the guy got his face smashed into the hovercraft, that's what they're trying to tell you.
- Jean-Pierre: Yes, I know.
- Toki: And then from the sorrow, FA-TUU! He blow he brain in!
- Skwisgaar: [correcting Toki's grammar] He blow he brain out.
- Toki: Whatever. It make a great album cover.
- Skwisgaar: Yeah, all of our chefs, he has died a horrible death. What of thats do you think?
- Jean-Pierre: I would rather have my brain scooped out with a melon-baller than to miss the opportunity to deliver the various cheese snacks to my beloved Dethklok.
- [A flock of birds collide with the helicopter, shaking it, prompting Jean-Pierre to scream.]
- Helicopter Pilot: Sorry, m'lords. Uh, we're chewing through a few thousand doves up here. Don't worry; these rotors'll grind 'em into paste in no time.
- Jean-Pierre: Oh, from the Prime Minister of Norway [presents a wine bottle] There are several cases. The finest wine -
- Nathan: NOOOOOOOO! We never drink before a show! Never! [William pops off the top of the bottle and pours some in a goblet]
- Murderface: Well, I've been drinking all day.
- Toki: [holds up beer can] Me too!
- Skwisgaar: Me too.
- Pickles: [surrounded by beer cans and beer bottles] Me too!
- Nathan: ... Me too.
- Nathan: We are here to make coffee metal. We will make everything metal. Blacker than the blackest black times infinity.
- One-eyed Fan: My eye got torn out, and force-fed to me in a show. DETHKLOK RULES!
- Two-fingered Fan: In London, some dude chopped off my fingers and threw them up on stage. MURDERFACE ROLLED THEM UP AND SMOKED THEM! [yells into reporter's microphone] MURDERFACE!!!
- Senator Stampingston: As you can see, Dethklok is no laughing matter. They're the world's greatest cultural force. A short time since the Duncan Hills Coffee Jingle Batsfjord Massacre Fest, every other coffee company has been obliterated. Completely blown out of the water.
- General Crozier: Freaks.
- Senator Stampingston: These freaks as you call them are currently worth billions. Gentlemen: [echoing opening theme lines] Skwisgaar Skwigelf, taller than a tree; Toki Wartooth, not a bumble bee; William Murderface, Murderface, Murderface; Pickles, the drummer - doodily-doo, ding-dong doodily, doodily doo; Nathan Explosion. I'm afraid that's all we know, gentlemen.
- Toki: [awed gasp] What's this place called?
- Skwisgaar: This is, I believes, called food libraries.
- [Skwisgaar and Toki practice saying the phrase "Food Library".]
- Pickles: It's called a grocery store, ya douchebags! I'm sorry about douchebags. I got... got low blood sugar.
- Nathan: Alright, here's the deal: we have to do our own shopping so we can make our own dinner like regular jack-offs do. Now you're all in charge of putting together one dish. AND DON'T JUST BUY BOOZE! That ain't food!
- Murderface: What do you mean, "booze ain't food?" I'd rather chop off my ding-dong than admit that!
- Toki: You'd rather chop off your ding-dong than not drink?
- Murderface: Yeah!
- Toki: Wowee!
[Nathan is seen at the delicatessen, after reading his list, he presses his forehead into the glass, breaking it, prompting him to procure the sausages]
- Murderface: [reads his shopping list] Hey grandma, is there olives in it?
- Old Lady: In what?
- Murderface: Lemon tart, Wrinkle-tits! Jeezees!
- Old Lady: [shocked gasp]
- Murderface: Good, then it's pee-pee time! [starts urinating on the olives]
[cut to Pickles]
- Pickles: Hey chief, this stuff good for soup? [gestures at shopping cart full of booze]
- Worker: ... No -
- Pickles: - Aaaah! That's a yes.
[cut to Skwisgaar and Toki]
- Toki: [reading from his list] Who is Wall Nuts?
- Skwisgaar: [throws a box of tampons into Toki's cart] Haa, hey Toki; look inside of your basket. Guess why you're in such crappy mood, you have lady's tampons... inside of it... and you buy them for yourself. Go on have a conversation with all the ladies and tell them your problems.
- Toki: You a lady, Skwisgaar!
- Skwisgaar: NO I'M NOT!!!
[cut to Nathan]
- Nathan: 2 cups of rice...
[pours rice into measuring cup, then through the trolley]
- Nathan: Brutal.
[cut to Murderface, still urinating on olives, then pickles at a seafood stand]
- Pickles: Okay hold on now, so you're telling me that you put these little guys in boiling water and they shrink, and they turn red, and they die?
- Clerk: Yes sir.
- Pickles: That is the most metal thing i ever heard in my whole life. High five.
- Nathan: Price check! Cleanup aisle six! Rotted Body Landslide! And don't forget our special sale on Every Bone Broken Chicken! Hurry! [laughing] Enjoy our tasty Hammer Smashed Face! Aisle three.
- Skiwsgaar: I loves to laugh. [romantically] Hi.
- Old woman: Hi.
- Skwisgaar: Guess what, you are a GMILF. That is a grandmother that I would like to - [Cut to next scene]
- Pickles: See! What'd I tell you guys? We don't need no chef.
- Nathan: Put in the ingredients into that thing there.
- Toki: Oh no, we leaves all the food at the food place!
- Nathan: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! [Zoom into his mouth and down his throat]
- Murderface: [prodding the remains of the mutilated chef with a stick] Jean-Pierre! Jean-Pierre! Wake up, cook something! Come on! Don't be a dick, be a dude!
- Pickles: By the power of all that is evil, I command you to awaken and make me a sandwich! [wails]
- Skiwsgaar: Dudes, we would, like, have to sew him back together to get him to cook for us.
- Toki: Yeah, but we such screw-ups that he would be sewn back together wrong.
- Nathan: Whoa! That's a good song title.
- Pickles the Drummer: Okay wait, before you do anything.
[Pickles turns on news channel explaining the suicides the fans are committing because of the album delays.] [Dissatisfied band frontman Nathan Explosion deletes their sixteenth album recording.]
- Pickles the Drummer: Motherdouchebags! Did it again...
- Toki Wartooth: Dudes, what's wrong with that one? [dejected]
- Pickles: Lemme guess - not "heavy" enough, not "tuned low" enough, not "brutal" enough?
- Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Dudes, we can'ts nots toning down any lower.
- William Murderface: Well, maybe it'd be better if I just killed myself, huh? Why don't you record that, huh? Would that be brutal enough for you? Me, being dead?
- Skwisgaar: Somebody shoulds tells Murderface that it's not alsways-ways abouts him.
- Charles Ofdensen: Okay, so you want to re-re-re-re-record in the ocean, in... I see, no problem...
- Nathan Explosion: No, not in the ocean! Inside the ocean.
- Ofdensen: Okay.
- Nathan: In the heaviest, deepest, most brutal part.
- Ofdensen: Alright.
- Nathan: The Mariana TREEEEEEEEEENCH!
- Ofdensen: Well, let me make some calls.
[A few minutes later...]
- Ofdensen: Well, the good news is that they're gonna give you more money to record this album. The bad news is that they're going to send a producer down to work with you, so I hope that -
- Nathan: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! [throws model globe off the panel in a fury]
- Nathan: Your guitar's picking up strange sounds!
- Toki: What, dude? I didn't know these pickups were that strong. It picks up the whales saying hello.
[Toki is inside a liquid oxygen isolation submersion chamber, awaiting submersion.]
- Toki: What does this lights mean?
- Officer: He will die without safety briefing.
- Skwisgaar: Hey, I'll take it from here, okay buddy?
- Toki: [the liquid oxygen isolation submersion chamber begins to fill up] Skwisgaar, I think I need that safety briefings.
- Skwisgaar: Oh, really quickly, the reason I come in here was we're all going to order some food. D'you want some?
- Toki: [liquid oxygen gets up to his thigh] I can't think about that now, what are all these buttons flashing?
- Skwisgaar: Start thinking about what you want, because honestly, I'm starting to get hungry -
- Toki: [liquid oxygen is almost to his chest] Anything! Gn-Gnocchi or something! It's filling up!
- Skwisgarr: Okay, I'll write that down. And oh, by the way, don't screw this one up!
- Toki: [liquid oxygen is up to his neck] What is this button, I think I hit it!
- Skwisgaar: I got to get going, see you later. [pulls the eject lever as the liquid oxygen submerges Toki]
- Murderface: Hey guys... nuclear submarine power's out.
- Nathan: Maybe take it easy on those beans, Murderface?
- Pickles: Yeah, I know man, have a little decency. I mean, we're stuck together in a... in a friggin' submarine for...
- Murderface: [drops bucket of beans] Fine, how about I starve to death. How's that? [passes gas] Excuse me! Ugh, these boots are killing my feet! [removes boots, exposing sweaty, smelly feet; passes gas] These feet sti... [vomits all over himself]
- Dick "Magic Ears" Knubbler: [submarine door opens] Hi guys. Sooo uh... let's hear this new album.
[ He faints, colliding with the floor, his head beginning to bleed.]
- Murderface: Hey, I have those same shoes.
- Knubbler: Yeah, bear with me dudes. I think I made the trip a little too fast. My... my body's having a little trouble adjusting to the oceanic pressure down here. I'm sure I'll feel a little better once I have some Pop Rocks and Coke. [washes down a handful of Pop Rocks with Coca-Cola and begins to bleeds from nose]
- Nathan: Now shut up and listen to this, Dick. This is metal. For fish.
- Skwisgaar: Fish don't gots no good metal to listens to.
- Murderface: Yeah, it's true.
- Knubbler: Fish, huh?
- Nathan: This one's called Murmaider!
- Murderface: It's about mermaid murder.
[Murmaider plays, shattering Knubbler's glasses.]
- Knubbler: Stop the track! This is amazing! I mean, there must be billions of fish out there! It's a totally untapped market! And so many hits too!
- Nathan: Electric Eelchair!
- Knubbler: Yeah!
- Skwisgaar: Scaled and Gutted and Undercooked.
- Knubbler: Yeah!
- Murderface: Scuba Tank Filled With Farts!
- Knubbler: YEAH! You boys knocked it completely out of the park. [quietly] I am back on top. [louder] I'm going straight to the label!
- Toki: [Toki's song in the liquid oxygen submersion chamber] Underwater friends! You are my underwater, underwater friends! Yeah, you're my best friends now, so let's all cheer!
- Fish: Yeah, we gotta come down here once a year!
- Toki: I pees in liquid oxygen, I breathes my own pee. It tastes like coffee 'cuz I had some effin' coffee before I comes down here to say underwater!
[Giant Radioactive Seahorse approaches the chamber]
- Toki: [emerges from the water gasping and gurgling] Not safe! Not safe! [vomits liquid oxygen] There's monsters!
- Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Hey, Pickle. Tell Murderface what you just told me about that guy. S' hilarious.
- Pickles the Drummer: Oh, right. That dude that you headbutted? The guy was a Danish Prince. Can you believe that?
- Skwisgaar: [mistaking the Danish for the Dutch] Pfft! The Dutch.
- Pickles: Oh, check it out. He's got a brain contusion and a fractured skull... Oh, and he's last in line for the Danish royalty. That is messed up, dude.
- William Murderface: Well, that's what he gets for going after my hog.
- Pickles: Awesome.
- Skwisgaar: Dude, I would have done the same thing. Pfft. Dutch.
- Pickles: Yeah, well it's official. I mean, you're getting really... good at headbutting.
- Nathan Explosion: A birthday party for Murderface?
- Skwisgaar: Where is it going to be? In a toilet? In a bus station?
- Toki Wartooth: Oh, that's brutal.
- Skwisgaar: Can you believe, right off the top of my head, just making up like thats?
- Pickles: Wait a minute! The guy's a nihilist, what does he want a birthday for?
- Murderface's E-vite: Inside, outside, up or down. Show up if you want, who gives a piss?
- Nathan: Oh, fuck me! We're going to have to get him a gift!
- Dr. Gibbons: William Murderface's charts indicate a deep-seated rage which is split off and repressed at its core. His self-loathing is expressed most publicly and unequivocally through bodily mutilation, tattooing, alcohol abuse, and coprophilia. He blames others for his anger. He misplaces his rage and its roots. He seeks punishment, castigation, and excommunication. This self-destruction is the only way to validate powerful voices he internalized as a child. This, combined with his immense wealth and popularity, should make for a monumentally horrific birthday.
- Skwisgaar: Or maybe, like, we get him an endangered species, and then, we could kill it? That'd be cool.
[Nobody responds to his suggestions.]
- Skwisgaar: I just read about this thing online you can buy a star and name it. Like, what if we named it, like, Mulhalmad Ali, the black prizefighter? That would be his gift.
[Still no response to his suggestions.]
- Skwisgaar: Fuck you.
- Nathan: Wait a minute! I got it - we'll give him the blackest most meaningless gift of all.
- Klokateer: The Queen of Denmark, with her son, Prince Henrey. [Prince Henrey is swathed in various bandages, injured from Murderface's headbutt]
- Queen of Denmark: This is an original manuscript from Peter Cornolivesonoft, Denmark's most faaamous poet!
- Murderface: Was he murdered?
- Queen: No.
- Murderface: How much did it cost?
- Queen: This is an -
- Murderface: Ah, just keep it! [to himself] I'm getting the crappiest gifts! [Prince Henrey hands him a marker] What?! [incredulously] Are you giving me a Sharpie for my birthday?
- Queen: He's asking for your autograph.
- Skwisgaar: [grabs marker from Murderface] Here, let me sign! [pushes hard against the bridge of the nose]
- Prince Henrey: OW!
[The Sharpie marker is dripping blood.]
- Skwisgaar: The Dutch are scum.
- Fan: [looking at Murderface's cake, which is coated with a silver frosting] Dude, is that metal frosting? That's amazing!
- Jean-Pierre: Please do not sample the frosting, it is made of... MERCURY! You will die!
- Skwisgaar: This is a complete and total, y'know, sausage festival.
- Toki: I love sausage festival!
- Skwisgaar: Wait, what..
- Toki: Like in Vienna.
- Skwisgaar: No. No, Toki, that WAS a sausage festival.
- Toki: Yeah, that was good.
- Skwisgaar: Yeah, it was Vienna pork saus.... Um, no, this means that there's no good-looking ladies to put you-know-what into side of them.
- Toki: The sausage?
- Skwisgaar: Ja. Anyway, what were you talking about, like, a second ago? I'm sorry I cut you off.
- Toki: Oh, I gots to make something for Murderface. I'm going to make him a macaroni murder lady.
- Skwisgaar: I'm sure he'll hate that. Eh, pardon me.
- Nathan: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the party. And as you all know, no party is complete without a birthday party clown. And we have one of the finest Rock N' Roll clowns around, so please...put- your hands tog- you know, here comes the Rock N' Roll clown.
- Dr. Rockso: [enters siding in on his knees] K-K-K-K-K YEAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! [crowd moans: Murderface looks annoyed] I'm Dr. Rockso, the Rock and Roll Clown! I do cocaine! K-K-K-K-YEAH! I hear it's somebody's birth-day! I do cocaine! Dr. Rockso gonna make you a balloon bass.
[Dr. Rockso proceeds to make William's balloon bass.]
- Dr. Rockso: [whispers] I seriously do... a lotta cocaine. [louder] Try it out! Wait a minute, I think someone's outta tune. Just a little more. [turns the knob, which swells until it pops in William's face -- he looks furious] You popped a string! Hehe! I do coca- [Murderface strangles Dr. Rockso and shoves the balloon bass down his throat, then sets the Klokateers on him. The Klokateers viciously stomp Rockso.]
- Nathan: And now, the blackest present for the most brutal of all bass players... [the gift box falls open, empty] ... NOOOOTHING!
- Murderface: Oh, you suck! You all suck!
- Nathan: Awwww, what's wrong?
- Skwisgaar: Ah yeah, go play records backwards and kill yourself.
- Pickles: Hey fatso! We got your favorite thing: disappointment!
- Nathan: Attention! You big baby!
- Skwisgaar: Ah, what are you doing? Going for a crybaby walk?
- Murderface: Hey! Why's everybody wearing camouflage? Joining the Marines?
- Nathan: We wanted to, uhh, surprise you. In outfits.
- Murderface: Y'look like stupid Navy Seals.
- Nathan: That's part of the surprise.
- Murderface: Why?
- Nathan: Because it makes us harder to see! That's awesome.
- Pickles: Hey douchefag! [a car is lowered in front of Murderface] Happy Birthday!
- Nathan: Well, what do you think?
- Toki: Big fat tires and everything!
- Murderface: But I already got, like, a million limos.
- Pickles: Dude, not like this one. This is the limo that Kennedy got his brains smashed open in with a bullet! [makes gunshot noises]
- Nathan: It's all souped up... and desecrated.
- Skwisgaar: Yeah, dude, and the driver's seat is the chair from, like, where President Wrinkloln was shot. And assassinated in.
- Pickles: And... you're entered in the first-ever Dethklok Dethmolition Klok-a-matae Deth Derby!
- Toki: And I made you this macaroni murder lady. What used to be the red hots were the blood, but I ates them.
- Murderface: You mean I get to destroy United States history... LITERALLY!? [sheds a tear of blood]
- Skwisgaar: Women have a quality attraction to me. Mmm, you got to deal with it.
- Toki: Oh, I'm dealing with it. Believe me, I'm holding back gallons of throw-up as we speak!
- Skwisgaar: Don't do me any favors, throw up on yourself.
- [Charles Ofdensen, the band's manager, hands the band their new Dethphones.]
- Toki: [picks up Dethphone, its spikes poking him in the face] This is heavy. It hurts my face. Boy, I really hates it.
- Charles Ofdensen: Well, it's your design. You may have been drunk, but you made a really convincing case to me.
- Nathan: All right, you know we get really, really excited about really bad ideas when we drink, and it's your job to talk us out of it.
- Ofdensen: Oh, I tried. I tried very hard, but you all threatened to kill me, if you don't remember.
- Pickles the Drummer: So? Big deal, those threats aren't new.
- Pickles: Friends, we're... we're not used to the whole apologizing thing. We're not professional apologizers. We're... musicians. So, we wrote a song for you, a new national anthem. We took the lyrics straight from your Finnish folklore book of necronomic spells.
- [The crowd moans collectively in horror.]
- Nathan: You may recognize this one, though it hasn't been sung for a few thousand years. "Awaken, awaken, Mustakrakish, the Lake Troll".
- Senator Stampingston: Gentlemen, it's clear that we're in a universally precarious situation. Dethklok has summoned a troll.
- General Crozier: That's impossible, there's no such thing as trolls.
- Senator Stampingston: Then how do you explain the dead unicorns?
- Ofdensen: Well, it's official: Finland is being destroyed by a troll that... you summoned.
- Skwisgaar: Well, I'm not sorry.
- Nathan: Huh, I can't believe we summoned a troll. Why didn't we think of this earlier?
- Toki: Oh, high school would've been awesome with a big pal, like him. He could have carried me to school!
- Nathan: I know!
- Pickles: Dudes, I'm turning on my Dethphone and I'm hearing Murderface. Wait a minute! Do we just get one phone line in five phones?!
- Toki: That's brutal.
- Pickles: So wait - we can't make any out-calls?! Dude, Murderface, get off the phone! Please! Get off the phone!
- Murderface: Okay, hold on. I just need to check my messages.
- Dethfone: You have 67 new telephone answering machine digital phone wireless fidelity Dethfone messages. To hear the messages, press "1" on the keypad located on the front of the phone. Preparing to play answering machine number message number one. After this message, would you like to save, or delete, or replay this message, please listen to the directions that will follow the message...
- Nathan: Oh man, this thing's just designed to eat up minutes. It's brutal.
- [Outside a bar.]
- Nathan: Looks likes that troll killed that power everywhere.
- Skwisgaar: Well, there's only two things to do in a blackout: get drunk... one thing to do.
- Nathan: Oh, I hate Finland. I need a hundred beers.
- [Cut to inside the bar]
- Nathan: I need a hundred beers. Exactly... exactly one hundred. Thank you.
- Murderface: What are those wooden things? Chairs?
- Barkeep: They are acoustic instruments.
- Toki: What is acoustic? Oh, you mean a grampa's guitars?
- Skwisgaar: A grampa's guitars? That's for pussies and grampas. I think you know it.
- Barkeep: It's your only choice, I'm afraid.
- Pickles: Whoa, this is a tough one guys.
- Nathan: Pickles is right, we have a tough choice. Playing acoustic is totally lame and not metal. But then again, if we don't put that troll back to sleep, we may never be able to check our e-mail with high-speed DSL again.
- Nathan: Wait, Toki, why'd you stop playing?
- Toki: I... have a confessions to makes. I can'ts reads music.
- Skwisgaar: Dudes, Toki can't read music. Hah! It's a laugh!
- Toki: Can you?
- Skwisgaar: No. I haves music dyslex-kia. You know that. I... don't wish to talk about it.
- Nathan: Wait, then how were - how were you playing that song?
- Toki: Honestly, I was just hitting any note.
- Skwisgaar: Yeah, me too. That's an old music school trick.
- Toki: THE GRANDPA'S GUITARS ARE SMASHEDS!!
- Skwisgaar: [referring to lake troll] Dudes, here comes that guy!
- Nathan: Wait! The phones! Use the Dethphones! Throw them at that guy!
- [They swing the Dethphones by their chains and throw them. The Dethphones land 3 feet in front of the band.]
- Nathan: [into handheld voice recorder] Idea for our last song, ever: "Killed by a Troll."
[A court hearing is underway.]
- Lawyer: The lyrics clearly state: "Go into the water, go into the water. Live there, die there." Well, my clients all tried to breathe water and nearly died because of this "Underwater Album" by your band, Dethklok.
- Pickles the Drummer: Why don't you... go breathe underwater?
[The crowd laughs.]
- Lawyer: I suggest that it was your intention to create an album that caused destruction to human life!
- William Murderface: Suggest all you want! It won't make your weenie any bigger, you dildo-licker!
- Lawyer: This band is a danger to the human race!
- Skwisgaar Skwigelf: You's a danger of putting us to asleep. I would'a brought a sleepinsbag if I knows this guys was gonna show up.
- Lawyer: Your Honour, we DEMAND 50 million dollars for medical bills and punitive damages.
- Toki Wartooth: Hey, how 'bout we compromise...
- Nathan Explosion: We'll give you half... of NOTHING!
- Charles Ofdensen: The album clearly states "Intended for fish only". I rest my case.
- Judge Alfanso: Not guilty!
[After the hearing.]
- Toki: Well, we wins that.
- Nathan: Whatever.
- Skwisgaar: You preferred that we'd lose?
- Nathan: Nah, I was just thinking about the next album.
- Pickles: Oh, right. You mean how we're supposed to top an album that made a million people accidentally kill themselves.
- Nathan: Exactly.
- All: Ohhh.
[The band is playing golf.]
- Murderface: Hey, why don't we just record people dying? Like all the world's leaders, or a bunch of ladies. That would be heavy.
- Pickles: Yeah, we can't get writer's credit for something like that.
- Murderface: Good point. You're up, Judge Alfanso!
- Judge Alfanso: Oh, thank you William.
- Skwisgaar: Well, maybe we should takes a break, you know? Being bleak and dark for a living sometimes makes you lose your objectivity for, you know, being bleak and dark.
- Auctioneer: And now we will auction the skull from the famous comedian, Buddy Hackett. We'll start this bid at fifty thousand dollars.
- Skwisgaar: Oh, I gots to have that.
- Auctioneer: Fifty thousand. Do I hear sixty thousand?
- Nathan: Yeah.
- Skwisgaar: This going to be a long night.
- Dr. Donald Gorfield: Well, the people of the world are depressed and stupid. They look to comedy to lighten the load of their boring, dreadful lives. These idiots have been force-fed garbage from our own secret cable networks and our own employees covering as high-profile standup and sketch comics. Should we lose control of this, only God knows what will happen.
- Comedian: Autobots, remember those? How about Decepticons, remember those? What about Masters of the Universe? Hey, talk about egomaniacs, Masters of the Universe! We're Masters of the Universe! Hey, at least they ain't Smurfs! Huh? Or worse, Snorks! Remember? Snorks! Remember those? Sounds like someone falling asleep! SNOOOORKS! SNOOOORKS!
- Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please be gentle, it's their first time on stage, The Brothers... of DECEPTION!
- Skwisgaar: So, I was thinking of killing myself...
- Toki: That's funny, I was thinking of killing you too.
- Skwisgaar: Well, how d'you like dat.
[Skwisgaar plays a Metal guitar rhythm with no applause or laughter]
- Toki: Mom always hated you most.
- Skwisgaar: She hates boths of us, deh most!
[Toki plays a single note on his guitar and drops it.]
- Toki: [whispers] I hates you. Seriously.
- Skwisgaar: [whispers back] Okay.
- Nathan: What if your guts was a bowling ball? Well, I bet it would look something like this - [he holds up a bunch of organs in the shape of a sphere]
- Nathan: Yeah, I'm real sick of my brother, yeah we're twins. Anybody got twins out there? Anybody got one like this? Meet Kuato.
- Nathan: Well hey bodybag! How's it going? [impersonating bodybag] Smells like somebody took a crap in here! [normal voice] Ohh, bodybag! Well, look bodybag, it's your old friends Brains! [holds up a brain with flies around it, an elderly person gets ready to vomit] [Nathan impersonating brain] Hey idiot! I'm Brains, I go in your head. [The elderly person vomits]
- Pickles: Okay, we are gonna delight you all with a little improvisational comedy. Now all we need to start is one location.
- Audience Member: HOW 'BOUT A DIFFERENT COMEDY CLUB? [laughter]
- Pickles: Okay, I heard a... gas station.
- Murderface: I'm a gas station attendant!
- Pickles: [sitting on a stool pretending to hold a steering wheel] Fill her up, I am driving a Corvette. It is, midnight blue with-
- Audience Member: HEY PIPPY-LONG-BORING! YOU SUCK! [laughter]
- Pickles: Can't you fill it up just a little bit faster?
- Murderface: Well I'm trying! I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO FIND A FUCKING GAS TANK!
- Pickles: That's because it's a stool Murderface!
- Audience Member: HEY IDIOT! DON'T NEGATE THE PREMISE! [laughter]
- Pickles: It's on - it's on - it's over there - wherever. Just please hurry. I would like to leave this horrible place...
- Murderface: Ahhh, I should check the oil... better go get my tools. You know what? I'm gonna leave... this sucks! Good luck dying out there!
- Pickles: Are you leaving?
- Murderface: Yes I'm leaving!
- Nathan: Cut Kuato? I'll cut Bodybag before I cut Kuato. Kuato stays. Kuato's gold!
- Skwisgaar: They laugh at the dildo who is onstage before us.
- Toki: That guy was amazing! Are you kidding me?
- Skwisgaar: He is horribles, Toki. He just made the reference. "Remember this? Remember that?" He is dildo.
- Toki: But you laugh.
- Skwisgaar: I did?
- Lorkey the Sailor: Aye, Comedy ain't never about humor. T'ain't no difference if you ask me.
- Toki: But, that just doesn't seem to make any sense at all...
- Lorkey: Comedy is about expressing your hate. The more hate you have, the funnier those rusty dildoes sitting at them tables will think you are!
- Skwisgaar: But I bombed and I hates every thing!
- Lorkey: Aye, but do you hate yourself?
- Toki: Hate... myself?
- Lorkey: Ah yes, especially now eh? Bombing on stage and Mr. Tangerine Pigtails [referring to Pickles] went running away! It will take some time for him to recover from that horror he went through.
- Toki: [finally understanding] I hate myself!
- Lorkey: Yeah, now you're getting it. And once you can get in touch with your inner hatred, you can unleash it into the world. And once you embrace your hate, you will MURDER THEM! And you will kill, YOU WILL KILL!
- Pickles: Well, I really hate myself.
- Toki: Pickle, you back! We think you gone for good!
- Pickles: So, anysways, I just got back from vacation. I went to the beach...for vacation...and...you know what I got at the beach?
- Crowd: [no response]
- Pickles: SAND!!! [throws sand to the crowd]
- Lorkey: [watching Pickles perform] Eh, can't teach 'em no more. [pulls a pistol from his jacket and shoots himself in the head]
- Pickles: [while performing; shooting a rifle in random directions] Oops, I thought this was the NRA!
- Pickles: [while performing] Any of you dildos wanna fight? What about you grandma? Wanna fight? Wanna awwww... I'm just messing with you!
[A journalist, Nick Ibsen, is holding a TV interview with Dethklok.]
- Nick Ibsen: We're back with arguably the greatest entertainment force in the history of the world, Dethklok. Gentlemen, you are the twelfth largest economy in the world and climbing, and yet you all are intensely private. Little is known about your personal lives. Why?
- Nathan Explosion: [suddenly] Because.
- Ibsen: Well, we at the Nick Ibsen show do pride ourselves on uncovering, the, most - [interrupted by Murderface slamming his knife in the table]
- William Murderface: Hey douchebag, why don't you drill a hole into your forehead and let all the sap run out.
- Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Huh huh... for pancakes.
- Ibsen: As intimidating as it is to interview such amazing entertainment figures, I nonetheless have a journalistic duty to uncover... certain... Are you urinating on my shoes?
- William Murderface: Yes I am.
- Ibsen: Well as I said before, while met with resistance, we have a great surprise in store for you. We, have uncovered something you have desperately been trying to hide. Tonight, you will all be reunited with your families.
[The band's families are unveiled.]
- Nathan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! You're going to pay for this!
- Ibsen: Pay for what? Journalistic integrity?
[Stella Murderface, William's grandmother, drives over in her Rascal scooter, towing his grandfather in a wagon behind.]
- Stella Murderface: William!
- Ibsen: I think you'll find any journalist worth his own salt, would do the same.
[The wheel of Stella Murderface's Rascal scooter tugs on a wire, causing a headlight to smash into Nick Ibsen's head, resulting in severe injury. The exposed ends of two cables land in a trail of blood, in which Nick Ibsen is standing, electrocuting him.]
- Nathan: Good song title... "Bloodrocuted!"
[At a Tribunal meeting.]
- Senator Stampingston: From Tomahawk, Wisconsin we have Pickles' parents: Calvert and Molly with older brother Seth, a recently released convict. From Victory Gardens, the premier armed forces retirement community in Florida: Rose and Oscar Explosion. She's the once lovely Miss Sweden 1956, the brave single mother whose neglect helped form the world's fastest guitarist: Serveta Skwigelf. And the curious and rather off-beat grandparents who raised William after the tragic murder-suicide of his parents: Stella and Thunderbolt Murderface.
- General Crozier: What's the wagon for?
- Senator Stampingston: MASSIVE stroke.
- General Crozier: I see...
- Senator Stampingston: And last but not least, from abandoned village near Lillehammer, Norway, Anja and the Reverend Aslaug Wartooth.
- Skwisgaar: I just want to climbs into a hole and not deals, you know? Right, Toki?
[Toki does not respond; he is in a frozen, catatonic state.]
- Skwisgaar: What, you're not talking to me?
- Nathan: I'll never not be embarrassed by my parents.
- William: It's repugnant. I'd rather be Sanded Faceless than grow old and... repugnant like that.
- Pickles the Drummer: I know! I think we all wish those guys were dead. Maybe we can just take them out to dinner and get them off our back.
- Nathan: Eh, you're right. [he turns to their families standing right next to him] So what do you feel like eating?
- Rose Explosion: You remember Mrs. Miller, don't you?
- Nathan: [hands clamped over his ears] No.
- Rose Explosion: Well, they had to cut her legs off. Poor thing, there was an ice-storm and the power went out in her house and she woke up with her feet frozen.
- Nathan: God, Mom, that's brutal.
- Rose Explosion: Her feet were black, like... uh, a black person's feet. Not that I have anything against black people, but this, this was frostbite. And besides, black people's feet are pink on the bottom.
- Stella Murderface: I learned they have these wheelchairs now with computers in them that you can control by blinking, your eyes - and with all your money, William, your grandfather has to sit there in a wagon like a dead cat.
- William: Oh! I guess I'll just run out and buy one - hey, anyone else want one? Electric wheelchairs! I'll buy a million of them -
[Stella Murderface hits William on the head with a spoon for being sarcastic.]
- William: Ow! Don't hit people on the head with a spoon!
- Seth: So I took a music management course at a Wisconsin state prison, ya' know, can you believe that crap?
- Molly: He's a manager! [tense music starts] He's gonna make an office above the garage!
- Seth: Hell yeah! I manage like five bands in D block. You know? For good! You ever heard of the Twixies? It hasn't gotten out yet, but you know, I record some stuff, then hit the phones, I'm so good! It blew my mind! [tense music gets louder] I just wanted to talk to you, dude... we should start a frickin' label! Can you imagine that? You know? Brothers in business? I would be in charge of numbers. You just play the music, play those rat-a-tat-tat, play those drums. And I want to do it plenty, and big fans and labels. [tense music stops suddenly]
- William: Awwm lemme outta here, I gotta pee-pee!
- Nathan: Yeah me too!
- Skwisgaar: Yeah that's for sure!
- Toki: [catatonically silent]
- Pickles: [enters restroom] I AM GONNA LOSE MY MIND! MY PARENTS JUST BRAG AND BRAG ABOUT MY BROTHER! [mocking high-pitched voice] "Oh, he's in a room above the garage!" [normal voice] BIG DEAL, HE'S AN EX-CON! [breathes from an inhaler, pants for breath] I haven't used one of these things in like 15 years.
- Nathan: [enters restroom, slamming the door open] WHAT THE FUCK?!
- Skwisgaar: This whole thing gives me a case of my stomachs throw-up!
- William: Don't worry about it, your mom seems cool!
- Skwisgaar: She was the most prosqueeminous women in Swedens, haves sex with everybody! Pffft! Thanks mom!
- Nathan: The fact that my parents had sex in order to create me makes me want to be buried alive.
- William: My grandma has an odor that's so very wrong and she wants me to buy that bastard a wheel chair. SHE WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT IT!
- Pickles: Why do we make it so hard on ourselves? We'll just solve it like any other problem!
- William: Of course! We have them put to sleep!
- Pickles: No, we'll lie! We'll lie through our teeth and throw money at them! We'll buy that bastard a wheel chair, take them to miniature golf or whatever the fuck people do. We'll pretend we're interested in what they're askin', and when that weekend's over, we'll ship them outta here, never to be seen again. Deal?
- William: Okay.
[William Murderface has bought his grandfather a modern wheelchair that is controlled by blinking.]
- Stella Murderface: Oh William, you're going to go to heaven for this!
- William Murderface: I’d rather die than go to heaven.
- [Thunderbolt's first action in the chair is to drive it backwards through a plate glass window in an attempt to kill himself]
- Seth: All I'm sayin' is that I did most of the numbers right? [tense music starts] So I did most of the work right? So all I need, is percentage. What I need to get started, get the labeling, you know. Phones. Chicks to answer the phones, desks, all that stuff. [tense music gets louder] Just need a couple bucks. You just sign a check, [holds up a check] see? I already wrote a check. Right there, you just sign. Alright. I know what your PIN number is. That's not a threat. So just - I'm the real deal, okay. I'm no one of those frickin' assholes you meet sometimes. [Pickles putts the golf ball]
- Pickles: [tense music stops] Why don't we talk about this cool stuff when I come over and visit next weekend?
- Seth: I'll remember that. You just tell me, where and when. Send me a plane ticket, send me an e ticket.
[William Murderface begins choking his grandmother for chewing loudly, and Nathan and Pickles pull him off.]
- William: Sorry! Sorry! I just... It's my fault! I can't stand to see her chew, I just locked in on it! My fault! Sorry!
- Pickles: TIME TO GO! Time to go! Everyone get packed up... where's the folks? He - heyyyyy -
- Skwisgaar: Ugh. Can't comes even faster. This sour stomach ever since my mom's been here?
- Nathan: Toki hasn't said one word!
- Toki: [still catatonically silent]
- William: Maybe they died in their sleep.
- Seth: [approaches Dethklok members] Alright dudes, may I have a word with you?
- Pickles: Oh, not now bro, we gotta see everybody off for now, for good, to the airport! Guhhh... where are they?
- Seth: Okay, here's the deal. Everyone's in the studio right? We're gonna have a lil' pow-wow.
- Nathan: The studio?
[In the studio]
- Seth: We are going to do a Dethklok family Death metal album! There it is, I said it. Okay? And I got it all figured out. Everybody's on board. Now we can all enjoy the fruits of our talents! After all, [to Pickles] hey, you're my little brother. I friggin' love you. But you got all your ideas about music from me first! [tense music starts] The idea to become a rock n' roll star, that was mine. So face it; you owe me! [Pickles starts to choke him, causing him to stutter] You'll be making a percentage!
- Pickles: For once it is not about the money! I don't want my parents doing a fucking metal album!
- Seth: [still being choked] I can't take this away from them! We're family!
- Pickles: The hell you talkin' about?!
- Nathan: We are the most brutal band in the world! What do any of you know about being brutal?
- William: Yeah!
- Seth: Help me!
- Skwisgaar: Now you guys better check out or you'll has each other's lunch for dinners!
[Stella sprays Pickles with pepper spray.]
- Pickles: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
- Stella Murderface: Oh, you gutless pieces of living garbage! You think you know what it's like to be brutal? [sprays William with pepper spray]
- William: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
- Stella Murderface: Can you imagine cleaning the feculent crud off this moron's diapers every morning? [sprays William again]
- William: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
- Stella Murderface: Let me tell you billionaire lowlives something, there's nothing, NOTHING, in this world more brutal and grotesque than raising children!
- Rose Explosion: You ruined my vagina!
- Servetta Skwigelf: I could never lose the weight after you were born! And look at the veins in my bosom, they're like a roadmap of Stockholm!
- Oscar Explosion: I used to be happy... until you! When I started spending all my time with HER, and I spent all my beer money on little kid's clothes! That's brutal!
[Thunderbolt Murderface, William's grandfather, does the only real vocals in the Dethfam song.]
- Thunderbolt Murderface: [robotic voice] My body is a lifeless shell. Please, please, kill me. Please kill me. I have not had an erection for 30 years. I just used my underpants as a restroom. Please kill me. Dear God, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e.
- Skwisgaar Skwigelf: [contemplatively] It appears the yard wolves has grown up. Are we finally finished with thes colds dead winters?
- Skwisgaar: You slapped at my face.
- Dr. Twinkletits: No, I didn't!
- Nathan Explosion: You should know that we don't really let anybody in here.
- Dr. Jonathan Twinkletits: Relax, Tonto, don't get all neurotic on me, jeez. I'm just going to observe you all. Now I want you all to be yourselves. Act like I'm not here, go!
- Pickles the Drummer: Don't worry, I've been tryin' to do that since yeh got here.
- Dr. Twinkletits: Well then it shouldn't be a problem then, should it, SMARTASS?!
- Pickles: Dude, no hitting.
[The band are in the recording studio, recording Toki's part.]
- Nathan: Do it again, Toki. Take 164.
- Skwisgaar: Just... let me record it. Each take gets worse! He's slowly learning how to unplay the guitar.
- Toki Wartooth: I can hear that. The talkback mike is on.
- Skwisgaar: Pickle, please let me know when the talkback mike is on so that Mr. Sensitives don'ts goes to crysbabies house for vacation?
- Toki: I can stills hear you.
- Skwisgaar: So, what do you want? A be-able-to-hear-things award?!
- Toki: Eh, not really. Doesn't sound like a greats award, to be honest.
- Skwisgaar: This idea is dildos.
- Television Narrator: ... with considerable pressure, the hard and marble-like lens can jettison back into their own eyes, blinding them.
- Nathan: Huh...I didn't know that.
- William Murderface: I did. [sticks food into his mouth with his knife; Twinkletits enters the room]
- Twinkletits: Band meetin' everyone, BAND MEETIN'!
- Pickles: Dude, you may be a therapist, but you can't call a band meeting!
- Twinkletits: Yes I can! For the purpose of these exercises, I am a band member! To reward Toki for great work today, I should like to give him something that the rest of you may one day earn.
[He unlocks a locked box on his belt and holds a banana sticker with a pair of tweezers.]
- Twinkletits: [whispers] The banana sticker! [heavenly chorus sounds]
- Murderface: How come he gets a banana sticker? Don't I get one?
- Twinkletits: No, Murderface, you do not get a banana sticker, not until you have proven yourself! Until then, these banana stickers shall remain locked in here.
[Murderface throws a tantrum, yells and smashes Toki's guitar on the floor.]
- Twinkletits: What happened back there?
- Murderface: I don't care.
- Twinkletits: Hey, I've got an idea. [Removes glasses.] Let's rock talk!
- Murderface: No!
- Twinkletits: C'mon, don't you wanna get in touch with you know, your - your inner dude?
- Murderface: No thanks, I hate that guy.
- Twinkletits: Now we're getting somewhere! Let's rock talk about that!
- Murderface: I don't wanna.
- Twinkletits: Hmm. What a shame, you know. Guess I'll just have to, you know, hold onto all these banana stickers, I got like a million -
- Murderface: [eyes widen] Okay, I'll rock talk.
- Twinkletits: Good. I want you to tell me about young Murderface. Tell me a nice story about when Murderface was just a little tiny boy.
- Murderface: Well, okay, here goes.
[The scene shows baby Murderface sitting in his high chair, baby music plays until it changes to horror music as his father crosses the screen holding a chainsaw. A woman screams, and the sound of a chainsaw is heard.]
- William's Father: How could I ever marry you?! I kill you! Here goes!
[His father crosses the screen, covered in blood.]
- William's Father: And now I kill myself! First my left leg! Good! [voice gets more anguished] Now the right! [voice gets even more anguished and lower] Now the arm! [voice gets lower and more halting] NOW MY FAAAACE! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
[Back in the present, William wets his pants, and Twinkletits gives him a banana sticker.]
- Murderface: Yeah, that was good rock talk.
- Twinkletits: Hey, ah, this is John Twinkletits, ah. Remember me? I was in the Amazlingtons with you. Just want to let you that I'm in another band and we're called Dethklok. No big whoop. No big whoop. Just give me a call back whenever you can, but then again you probably can't BECAUSE I KILLED YOU.
[Toki witnesses the scene, horrified, and calls a band meeting in the bathroom, locking the door behind them.]
- Toki: I'm telling you he's crazy.
- Murderface: How could you say something like that? He's a genius.
- Nathan: Alright, this is getting completely out of control. Twinkletits thinks he's in our band. I think we gotta fire 'em.
- Toki: Wait, we can do that?
- Nathan: Yeah. I just found out we can fire anybody we employ.
- Skiwsgaar: Can we's fires ourselves?
- Nathan: Yeah, no, I... I found that out too.
- Pickles: Can we give ourselves a raise?
- Nathan: Yeah, I mean I think so. Don't quote me on that, but I think we can.
- Pickles: Oh, dude, then I, you know I give myself a raise right now.
- Skiwsgaar: Ja, I give me a raise too.
- Toki: I give myself a solid gold telephone.
- Murderface: I give myself a bunch of boats. Wit' a bunch of... Vietnamese people on 'em... on fire.
- Pickles: Dudes. I just thought about something. If we fire Twinkletits, then we ain't gonna see no more banana stickers.
- Nathan: Hey! We been thinkin', not very hard, but... You're fired! Yeah. We hate you.
- Twinkletits: I'm sorry, what?
- Murderface: Hey it's not that bad. You know I pride myself on being able to pit people against each other, but you're amazing, you're a real dick. And I appreciate that, but we never want to see you again, you ugly idiot dick!
- Twinkletits: Hold on for a second, I am your therapist.
- Skiwsgaar: I ain't no therapist, but I hate your mustache.
- Twinkletits: Don'ts you wants a banana sticker?
- Nathan: We won't be needing your banana stickers.
[Murderface slides a trunk over, and Nathan kicks it open, revealing that it's full of banana stickers. Heavenly music sounds.]
- Nathan: We have found out that you can just, you know, buy psychological validation, so...
- Twinkletits: You sons of bitches! HOW DARE YOU! I AM the band! You can't kick me out! I'll kick you out! YOU'RE ALL FIRED, you buncha stupid pussies! I'LL KILL YOU! [slips on a banana sticker and flies out the window] AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [he falls several stories and lands on the ground] I'm still alive! I'm still- [the yard wolves appear] AUUGGGHH ...
- Toki: Look. The wol-e-ves eat him.
- Skwisgaar: Yes, Toki, and his body will nourish the wolves.
- Toki: I believe the cycle of learning is complete.
- Skwisgaar: Indeeds. Alls of us should learns a lesson.
- Pickles: Yeah. And what lesson might that be?
- Skwisgaar: I haves no idea. But it's pretty metal that he's being eaten, look at that right there.
- Nathan: [videotaping Twinkletits getting eaten by the wolves] I loved him. I ... can say that now.
- William: Now that he's dead, it's much easier to say emotional things about him.
- Pickles: Guys, maybe this is weird to say, but am I the only one who is being made to feel hungry by watching this?
- Nathan: [pause] Let's eat!
[All band members eyes glow red.]
Snakes n' Barrels (1.08)
[A documentary about the band Snakes 'N' Barrels is airing.]
- Narrator: [reading a letter by Pickles] Antonio shot heroin into his balls again this morning. He says this time, it was an accident. I'm sure we'll have the usual difficulties on stage tonight. I know I sound like a broken record, but I need heavier music.
- Nathan Explosion: Hey! We were watching that.
- Pickles the Drummer: Dude, right, so you could make fun of me, I know.
- Skwisgaar Skwigelf: No way, to compliments you, you were such a beautifuls lady back then. Maybe, yous all favor us with a few make-ups tips.
[The four band members laugh at him.]
- Pickles the Drummer: Eh hahaha. That's really funny.
- William Murderface: It's exciting! Turn it back on! I wanna see what happens!
- Pickles: What do you mean? I'm here! That's what happened! That's the end of the story.
- William: Well it's boring when you say it.
- Pickles: I know.
- Toki Wartooth: Pickle? [sigh] this Snakes 'N' Barrel, it's not my cup of tea. It sucks!
- Pickles: Well, it's not a nice thing to say, Toki.
- Toki: Not my fault it sucks.
- Charles Ofdensen: Snakes 'N' Barrels' record sales have gone through the roof since the documentary began airing, and there's interest of a reunion tour -
- Pickles: Okay.
- Murderface: What if Pickles never comes back? Boy, that'd be totally messed up.
- Nathan: Oh come on guys, it's not like this is anyones first band. You'll probably all want to go reunite with your old bands at some point.
- Toki: Dethklok is my first band.
- Nathan: Oh. Well, one day, you'll want to reunite with us.
- Toki: Why? We already together.
- Nathan: Just 'cause we're not broken up doesn't mean we can't reunite.
- Skwisgaar: Actuallys, I thinks that's exactlys what that means.
- Nathan: Seriously?
- Skwisgaar: You can'ts reunite with a bands that has not brokeds up. They won't let you.
- Toki: That sucks. Psch, great.
- Nathan: Wait, could we have a "Not Reunion" tour, where we, you know, just come out and like, you know, do a regular show?
- Skwisgaar: No, I looked into it.
- Nathan: Well that's pretty lame.
- Skwisgaar: Well, that's showbiz.
- Murderface: Uhhh, I need a backrub. [dejectedly] I miss Pickles.
- Pickles: Okay, I know you're all sober now, and I can totally respect that, so I'm going to resist the urge to do drugs and drink around you. I will still do them, but I will excuse myself and go to a different room.
- Pickles: Stop! Stop! Stop! For the love of god. Sweet lord. Have you people forgotten how to play? That sounded awful.
- Sammy "Candynose" Twinskins: No way man, we're better than ever.
- Pickles: Dude. You're sitting on the outside of the drumkit.
- Sammy: No I ain't. Oh wait, you're right. Sorry. That's why it felt weird.
- Pickles: Hey Bullets, what's this thing you're wearing, what is this?
- Snizzy "Snazz" Bullets: It's an invention of mine. It's a strapless guitar that also functions as a girdle. Its called a gu-girdle-itar.
[Pickles is tuning his guitar when all other Dethklok members enter his room, drunk.]
- Nathan: Hey... good luck on your show tonight.
- Pickles: Oh, hey, thanks. I gotta get ready back here, if you don't mind.
- Skwisgaar: Go gets them. Haves a really great show... do that for me.
- Pickles: ...Yeah, I gotta, you know get ready -
- William: Just don't forget about us... [raises his beer bottle] He's a good kid!
- Pickles: Ohhh, you're acting weird.
- Nathan: We just, you know, umm, we care about you.
- Skwisgaar: Yeah, if you gets a problems with thats, then, well I guess that's just sad.
- Pickles: Oh God, I'm not leaving Dethklok, I've told you this a billion times, okay? I'm just doing this for fun!
- Nathan: Yeah, well, it's not brutal you know... Snakes 'N' Barrels isn't brutal.
- Pickles: I know.
- Nathan: Okay.
- Pickles: Okay.
- Nathan: Just do a great job! And don't leave us! I gotta get going, YOUR MUSIC SUCKS AND YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE! ...I'm having a hard time expressing myself.
- Pickles: Will you guys get the hell out of here? I'm supposed to be going over the songs.
- Skwisgaar: Oh ja? Well then where's your stupid band?
- Pickles: [gasp] I don't even know where they are!
- Dr. Romumilif Chesterfield: You guys want to try some Totally Awesome Sweet Alabama Liquid Snake? You're gonna get so high your minds will blow chunks into the Milky Way. And what better way to celebrate the reunion than with a good old fashioned Milky Way chunk blow, hmmm?
- Pickles: Okay, let's uh... kick ass tonight!
- Sammy: Oh wait, I almost forgot, we got some Totally Awesome Sweet Alabama Liquid Snake from a dude.
- Pickles: Oh, come on guys, I don't wanna encourage any kinda dr- okay, I'll do it!
- TV Announcer: Apparently, Snakes 'N Barrels were giving psychotropic drugs that have erased their memories, except for Pickles which the drugs had no effect on whatsoever.
- Pickles: I grew up smokin' government weed everyday you know, I had kiddie glaucoma, don't ask me! I'm immune to just about everything.
- Nathan: Most brutal album, huh? Ugh, I hate to say it, they're right! It's an amazing album! Congratulations Pickles. It's so chilling!
- Murderface: What a great way to go out too! I only hope we can end that way! Clawing our eyes out, throwing up acid blood!
- Toki: I officially take backs whatever I said about Snakes 'N' Barrels. You're amazing!
- Skwisgaar: This music is likes potato chips. I can't stops listening to it! Plays it again!
- Pickles: Alright.
[The last live recording of Snakes 'N' Barrels last performance plays. Screaming is heard.]
- Snizzy: Oh no. My gu-girdle-itar is choking my tummy and my guts which is where my brains are.
- Sammy: Oh, my God! There's little Civil War soldiers looking for my skin.
- Antonio "Tony" DiMarco Thunderbottom: I'm aware of my tongue..
- Snizzy: Get it off me!
- Sammy: Oh no, I am also aware of my tongue.
- Antonio: [screaming] I'm a chicken. I believe I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken. I'm a, I'm a chicken. I believe I am a chicken.
[A dark room is shown, and an alarm clock is beeping relentlessly.]
- Pickles the Drummer: Ohh, [beer cans and bottles are heard clattering] I am gonna be well-burned, SHUT UP! Dammit! Dammit Stop! Shut Up! Shut up you crappy alarm! [alarm stops, Pickles clicks on a lamp to reveal many people in his room]
- Fan: OH YEAH PICKLES! PICKLES WAKES UP JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!
- Pickles: [shrieking] WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING HERE?! [fan ignores him and continues yelling] Oh god, I forgot... I hate fan day!
- TV Newsreader: An official statement from Dethklok calls this "A psychotic day of insane celebration for regular jack-offs.".
- Facebones: Remember, our snipers have 50 caliber sniper rifles that can kill you from almost 3 miles away. [shows sniper taking person down from long distance] Yikes!
- Nathan Explosion: Why do I drink so much before stupid fan day?
- William Murderface: I believe you drink because it's fan day.
- Nathan: Ugh. I don't w - Don't talk to me about that. Wai - wait, where's Skwisgaar?
- Toki Wartooth: I don't think he gonna be here for a while, he had a very big night with a very huge fan!
- Nathan: Yeah, we were all up late.
- Toki: Not me, I actually got good rest.
- Pickles: Can you please, just be quiet for a second?
- Toki: Ahh, what's wrong Pickle? You just need to eat something. Your name is Pickle, maybe you should try pickle herring sandwich [hands him a sandwich] very famous from Oslo!
[Pickles, about to throw up, stands up and runs and opens the door to a bunch of fans.]
- Fan: OH YEAH PICKLE- [Pickles shuts the door]
- Pickles: GOD! Everywhere I go, there's fans everywhere! Can't I just throw up in my own house?! Ugh!
- Murderface: OH GOD! Don't, what are you - bulimia?
- Nathan: Oh, great now you're gonna start a whole chain reaction, puke-a... a-thon!
[All four get ready to vomit, then all puke regular vomit, except Nathan who pukes up blood.]
- Toki: Aww! Blood puke! Good song title, someone write that - oh, that's right we already wrote that. Good song though!
- Nathan: [breathing heavily] Ohh, I think I need another liver transplant.
- Taped Tour Message: Prepare to see one of the greatest sights you've ever seen, the fastest guitarist alive, in his natural habitat.
[Toki is working on a model when a fan sneezes, and his hand reflexively clenches on the tube of glue he is holding. A glob of glue splats onto his face.]
- Toki: Ugh. Need paper towels.
[He moves blindly over to the wall for paper towels, but collides into the wall.]
- Toki: Ok, my face is stucks to the wall...
- Taped Tour Message: In order to keep Nathan Explosion healthy, and because of the tremendous drinking it takes to entertain all you Dethklok fans out there, Nathan must undergo a series of liver transplants.
- Doctor: Now, have you eaten anything this morning?
- Nathan: [heart monitor beeps faster] Nope.
- Doctor: Are you sure?
- Nathan: I mean, yea... I mean, no.
- Doctor: Okay, anesthesia please.
[Blood seeps out of the oxygen mask and over Nathan's face.]
- Facebones: Hey guys, it's me, Facebones. Now's the time you've all been waiting for. Your very own exclusive super duper exclusive fan song and one time only song videooooo [holds the last syllable for 16 seconds] ...roll it.
- Murderface: If they only knew how much we hated them, I mean they just keep crawling back like groveling putrid stupid zombies that just want to eat our brains that is our art.
[The guard brings in the Jomfru brothers.]
- Pickles: Hey, what are you doing?
- Guard: He's in a wheelchair my lords, I did not know what to do.
[Nathan walks over and towers over the Jomfru brothers menacingly.]
- Nathan: Take a walk, before I kill you.
- Pickles: Oh come on, screw that Internet crap, I mean come on, what is the Internet, you know? Seriously... what is the Internet?
- Ofdensen: Your money's waaaay down there. Behind that door, 'ya see it? Hey, 'ya better hurry up, closing time's in two minutes.
- Eric: All the way over-
- Ofdensen: I'd serpentine if I were you.
- Edgar: Why should we serpentine?
[Eric is headshot]
Fat Kid at the Detharmonic (AKA Fatklok) (1.10)
[On Krangor Island, known for containing the majority of the world's nuclear waste.]
- Nathan Explosion: We have liberated your island from you, your island that was once a nucular, nuclear testing facility that has in turn tragically disfigured you all into ugly horrible-looking mutants. And we now decree your island the Dethklok Home for Wayward Kitties. [pause] RELEASE... THE KITTIES!
- Nathan: [playing with a laser pointer] My god, these things are amazing. Check it out, I'm an eye doctor.
- Charles Ofdensen: Can you please give me the laser pointer? It does not belong to you.
- Nathan: Hey, wait your turn.
- William Murderface: Hey, point that into my eyes again. Awww, yeaaah, it's awesome!
- Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Points the laser beams at my too eye. Awhhh, cool...
- Toki Wartooth: Yeah but checks dis out! I can force all the bloods to my face and gives myself a real cool blowjob!
[He forces blood to his face, and blood starts to come out of Toki's nose.]
- Toki: Dat's what I'm talkin' about!
- Skwisgaar: Pfft... you means nosebleed, not blowjob. Idiot.
- Ofdensen: I'm sorry, who is that fat kid?
- Nathan: Don't play dumb, you know who that is.
- Ofdensen: I have no idea who that is. Who the hell is that?
- Pickles: Uh, hello, that's our son.
- Murderface: Yeah, we adopted him, for charity?
- Ofdensen: I'm sorry, how is that charity?
- Nathan: Then we are his foster fathers. What do you mean? That's for charity, right?
- Ofdensen: No Nathan, that's not donating money to organizations. That's... that doesn't help our tax situation.
- Nathan: Seriously?
- Ofdensen: Yeah. Can you give him back?
- Nathan: Hey that's a crappy thing to say but no, I don't think we can. We tried.
- Ofdensen: Well, let's talk about the big show. You guys are performing at the United Celebrities of the World Foundation with the London Philharmonic, kind of a big deal, London Philharmonic, blah blah.
- Ofdensen: The donation will go to pharmaceutical research.
- Nathan: What kind of pharmaceugical research? [still playing with the laser pointer]
- Ofdensen: Well, I'm not sure. It doesn't say.
- Nathan: Have those guys cured anything?
- Ofdensen: Uhhh... no. It says here, no, they have not.
- Nathan: Ok. Shouldn't they have cured at least one disease?
- Ofdensen: Well, it doesn't matter. All you need to know is that if you want to keep your money, you do this show.
- Pickles the Drummer: See, that makes more sense to us. Just say that from now on.
- Pickles: Dudes, what the hell is wrong with this guy? He can't stand still.
- Toki: Maybe he gots to go outside and gos to the... B-A-S-T-H-R-O-H-M-N-S-E.
[Fatty Ding-Dong, the band's adopted son, pushes Murderface, who crashes into Pickles's drumkit. He swings from the chandelier, charges about the rehearsal area, causing damage and creating havoc, until Nathan grabs him in a chokehold. Fatty grunts and squeals like a pig.]
- Toki: Don't kill him, leave him alone! He's my son!
- Nathan: I'm not, you idiot, I'm... using... hug therapy on him! Read somewhere it's supposed to calm him down! [Nathan Grunts and Fatty stops squirming] Oh... dear sweet... Lord, I think he just used the restroom in his shorts. [drops Fat Kid] I guess he did have to go outside.
[after Fatty Ding-Dong has been neutered]
- Nathan: Hey goofball, look who's all neutered! You are! Yeah you're neutered, huh goofball, yeah! Who's a neutered guy?
[Toki and Skwisgaar's turn to feed Fatty Ding-Dong.]
- Toki: You know, I'm starting to get sick of dis fatherhoods thing, and why are we the ones who always get stuck feeding his fat ass? I think they racist or something.
- Skwisgaar: Well, it's not supposed to be easy, Toki. Eats your foods, Fatty Ding-Dong, because your daddies goings to take yous to thes charitys show, to's sees daddies play... eh, he's not listening. I don't know Toki, fatherhood is a strange word. So much responsibility, and whats are the rewards? Huh?
- Toki: I suppose... I feel a sense... of pride... knowing I help raise him... so dere is dat. HERE'S A BUCKET OF HANKBURKERS, AND A COUPLE OF BIG GULPS AND CRAPS, YOU FAT TITS!
- Skwisgaar: Try not to choke, you fat tub of shit. We loves you!
- Toki: Well, Fatty... dat's was not great back dere, how you killed an entire orchestra.
- Skwisgaar: Looks cool but it does not reflects on us very well. Fatty Ding-Dongs, wes woulds likes to haves a words wid you, fathers to son.
- Nathan: Now, we know that it's totally your fault that the London Philharmonic was sliced in half by a laser beam, and we know that you're sorry, we know that. But I guess... hmmm... I guess we'd kinda hoped that you'd use better judgement, y'know? And as your fathers, we, uhh....
- Murderface: (Angry) Aw he ate my fucking shoes little bastard! He ate my Civil War shoes! (Murderface walks up to Fatty Ding Dong and has a slap fight with him) They're fucking irreplaceable Civil War shoes! YA FAT SON OF A BITCH!
- Nathan: I think I know what you are all trying to say. I... uh... um... I think we have to build a space helicopter.
- Pickles: Ah, well, that's impossible, but I think I may have a better idea.
[After abandoning Fatty Ding-Dong on Krangor Island, now the Dethklok Home for Wayward Kitties.]
- Nathan: Oh he'll be fine, he's fat.
- [While shooting a music video for the instrumental 'Crush my Battle Opponent's Balls', a mechanical dragon malfunctions, starting a fire. Chaos ensues all over the set, killing and maiming everyone, except for Skwisgaar, who is left hanging in the air from a harness.]
- Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Ohh... this thing squish my ball... Eeegh... I might throw up -
- Toki Wartooth: Oh, cool, yous gots a new shipment of custom guitar!
- Skwisgaar: Yeah, dis is uh, some designs I'm messings arounds with, uh... dis one is, um, is Swiss Army-tar. Is good guitar for a camping trip, s'got toothpick.
- Pickles the Drummer: Yeah, good tone, what's that one right' theere?
- Skwisgaar: Uhh, is just an ant farm-itar. They, stills workings on it.
- William Murderface: Nice! I'd like to stand on that thing.
- Pickles: Yeah, I'd stand on that.
- Skwisgaar: Yah, an' this is the Gibson Excalib-itar, you know, and here's my... guitar made from the wood of Christ's cross.
- Murderface: Awww, get ready for a billion e-mails. Here comes the offended religious weirdos.
- Skwisgaar: What's offensive about the most religious instrument ever?
- [Skwisgaar is trying to give instructions to a stage hand on the set.]
- Skwisgaar: Okay, let me explains again, in prefectly clear English, I wants, flys in, on, a dragons, okay? How many times I gots to tell this peoples?!
- Stage Hand: I know, there isn't a dragon.
- Skwisgaar: I know, dat's what I'm telling you!
- Stage Hand: But that's what I'm telling you.
- Skwisgaar: So go get one! What are you doing here?! Go! Go get one! Now! Go, go!
- Stage Hand: They don't have them!
- Skwisgaar: Are you telling me dere out of dragons?
- Stage Hand: They never had dragons.
- Skwisgaar: Who didn't?
- Stage Hand: The world!
- Skwisgaar: [infuriated] Get dis guy out of here! Finds me a dragon!
- Skwisgaar: Okay, pulls it togedder. Don'ts lets the stress gets-in-to-you! Yous is the fastest guitarist alive, dere's no pressure! OH GODS, I cant's do...
- [Skwisgaar buries his head in his arms and cries, his eye makeup is running down his face. Charles Ofdensen knocks on dressing room door and enters.]
- Skwisgaar: Hello, I'm fine, just... getting high!
- [Toki yanks a tooth out, with black spots of decay on it.]
- Nathan: Is that a tooth?
- Toki: Yeah. Got any other questions? I'll be right here!
- Nathan: Your teeth are falling out because of your free candy from your free endorsement deal.
- Toki: Are you a dentists?
- Nathan: No.
- Toki: Well, then, shut up! Oh, by the way, teeths grow back!
- Nathan: Uh, no, they don't.
- Toki: Yes, they do! Dont's you remember beings a little kids when you teeths woulds falls out and grow back and you would get the old one under the pillow so the ancient Norse god Orthar, the tooths collector, woulds leaves you a Pickle's Nickel?!
- [A yell is heard.]
- Murderface: That came from Skwisgaar's dressing room!
- [The oxygenating hand aquariums, part of Skwisgaar's Hand Insurance Policy, are stuck to Skwisgaar's hands.]
- Skwisgaar: I don't know whats to do! This solid crystal oxygenating hands aquariums won't comes off!
- Toki: SKWISGAAR, YOU GOTS TO GETS ON STAGE SOON!
- Skwisgaar: OHH NOOOO!
- Murderface: Clank them together! Over your head! Burst them! Hurry!
- [Skwisgaar clanks them over his head, only producing a tinkle, and the hand aquariums are barely even scratched.]
- Murderface: It sounded cool.
- Toki: I thinks I has diabetes. I'm gonna take a fucking nap.
- [William Murderface's "Murderknobs" commercial.]
- Murderface: [voice-over] Over a million babies and ladies die every hemisecond. That's why I use Murder Knobs.
- [spoken] Doorknobs for a new world.
- [Pickles the Drummer's "Pickle's Nickels" commercial.]
- Pickles: [voice-over] I'm Pickles the Drummer. And our country's experiencing a horrible problem - nobody is using nickels. Use nickels.
- [spoken] Nickels is money too, guys.
- Voice-over: Paid for in nickels by the US Department of Treasury.
- [Nathan Explosion's "Explosion Sauce" commercial.]
- Nathan: [voice-over] I guess I've always hated my father. Explosion Sauce changed that.
- [spoken] Explosion Sauce - it's good on its own.
- [Toki Wartooth's "Willard Wonka Candy" commercial.]
- Toki Wartooth: [voice-over] I Toki. I slips in and out of diabetic coma. They should makes insulin-flavored candy. Whatever.
- [spoken] Candy: tastes like chicken, if chicken was a candy.
Murdering Outside the Box (1.12)
- [Nathan pours out several dozen watches from a bag onto the table.]
- Pickles the Drummer: Dude, I thought you hated wearing a watch?
- Nathan Explosion: I smash...them. [smashes watch with fist]
- Pickles: Cool. Mind if I try?
- Nathan: Uh yeah, I- I mean they're mine, but...
- Pickles: [rummaging through the watches] Whoa that's nice. What is that, a Hamilton? [drops it and stomps on it] Well, that's... you know... fun.
- William Murderface: Check it out, losers. Direct your attention to my crotch. See it?
- [Murderface displays his purchase, a sharp and lethal-looking codpiece.]
- Murderface: Feel it, envy it.
- Pickles: That is something else!
- Murderface: Best purchase ever. It's not a big deal; it's just totally diamond-encrusted and titanium-based...
- Toki: Oh, whats a coincidence! I gots a real cool codpiece too!
- [Toki turns on a bright green strap-on vibrator and stands up to display it.]
- Murderface: Uh, that's a dildo? A strap-on dildo?
- Toki: Aww, screw you all off! My codpiece is the coolest!
- Skwisgaar: Oh lighten up Mr. Dooms N' Glooms, embezzle is metal.
- Pickles: Who's the guy embezzling from, you know, anyway?
- Charles Ofdensen: Well, he is embezzling... from you.
- Nathan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
- [Dethklok is conducting their annual employee evaluation interviews.]
- Pickles: Okay, so, uhh... number 421. You, ehh... you are part of the sector eighteen, recording studio maintainence clean team. Okay! Uhh... qui... couple questions. How, do, you, value, your, what you contribute, of, to, at the work force? Ehh... second part: which, do you most, can't, the least? Skwisgaar?
- Skwisgaar: Yeah?
- Pickles: You write these questions?
- Skwisgaar: Yeah I did.
- Pickles: Okay! Well, 421, do you have an answer?
- Klokateer 421: I am a highly skilled microphone cleaner my masters, and what I most can't the least, would be do not a bad job, but always a good.
- Skwisgaar: Okaaaay... good answer...
- Pickles: Well that's all I got, uh, guys?
- Nathan: No, I got one more question, and answer honestly! [long pause] Are you the guy who's embezzling from us?
- Klokateer 421: No.
- Nathan: [long pause] Okay... I believe you.
- Nathan: We are really, really good bosses.
- Skwisgaar: Yeah, I know. We cares about all of dems. It's like a plantations, but de slaves is our friends.
- Toki: I would like to ask questions next time.
- Skwisgaar: Are you askings us to do that, Toki?
- Toki: Ya I don'no.
- Skwisgaar: Dats interesting. You saids, 'I woulds likes to asks a question.' Dats a statements.
- Toki: What... is... the difference?
- Skwisgaar: That's, a great question.
- Skwisgaar: [points at dead body of a Klokateer that Agent 216 has killed] Look at this one! Asleeps in some bloods! We gots to gets tougher on these guys maybe huh?
- Nathan: Yeah, well, all I can think about is the raffle. Can we win it?
- Pickles: Well dude, I fucking hope so, that's the only reason my ass is goin' 'ere!
- Nathan: Oh yeah! And there's gonna be an awesome motivational speaker. Oh my God I love being motivated. I love being motivated!
- Toki: Me too!
- Nathan: I LOVE BEING MOTIVATED!
- [A video on being considerate at the workplace airs.]
- Skwisgaar: I have to works with you everyday. So please, would you please take it easy on the cologne?
- Murderface: While that hurts my feelings, I understand.
- Nathan: When you see a piece of trash on the ground, don't just stand there, PICK IT UUUUUP!
- Pickles: Yeah! And don't leave your lunch lying around either! It attracts ants!
- Facebones: And most important, remember - death is an everyday part of the workplace!
- [Toki is shown taking out the trash and comes across a rotting corpse.]
- Facebones: So, when you see a dead body, don't freak out!
- Toki: Wowee!
- Facebones: Just... ring your Deth-bell!
- [Toki rings his Deth-bell]
- [During an employee raffle, Klokateer 216 kicks Agent 216 in the face and begins to break his foot, Agent 216 is screaming but kicks Klokateer 216 in the face, Agent 216 loads a pistol and aims it at Murderface.]
- Ofdensen: Congratulations 216 you have won...
- [Klokateer 216 trips Agent 216, who falls head-first into William's cod piece, which rams all the way through his skull. Blood sprays everywhere.]
- Ofdensen: ...this diamond encrusted... cod-piece.
- [Murderface rings his Deth-bell.]
Go Forth and Die (1.13)
[Nathan is an employee at Dimmu Burger, a fast-food chain, after the rest of the band has been killed by crows at a show.]
- Customer: Ay fuckface! Give me four number fives!
- Nathan Explosion: ...Ummm... uhh... how much you wanted? A five?
- Customer: No, retard! I want four fives!
- Nathan: [long pause] Ummmmmmm...
- Customer: Listen, Tonto! You give me four fives! And you do it now!
- Nathan: You - you wanted... you wanted?
- Customer: Hey, wait a minute, aren't you Nathan Explosion?
- Nathan: [long pause] Yeah, I guess I am.
- Customer: Didn't you have anything to fall back on after your band was killed by blackbirds?
- Nathan: Huh. No I never graduated from high school -
[The manager walks over.]
- Manager: He's a complete idiot! Cannot even function! He's so Stupid!
- Nathan: Yeah. I'm stupid! Oh I am.
- Customer: Oh, well that's too bad. OH SHIT LOOK OUT! [deliberatly squirts Nathan in the face with ketchup]
- Nathan: OWWWWW! I'LL KILL YOU!
- Customer: Oh, now you gotta go wash your face!
- Nathan: Ohh face, yeah - [places hands in the deep-fryer and splashes hot oil on his face, attempting to wash it] OWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
- Manager: That's the deep-fryer you idiot!
[Customer and Manager start laughing.]
- Customer: Your face is burning!
[Nathan shouts as the skin on his face blisters horribly and hands melt off, and hamburgers start laughing as well; Nathan shouts as he wakes up, showing that the entire sequence had been a dream.]
[Nathan enters a band meeting.]
- Nathan: Sorry I'm late guys, I uh... just had another one a those, I-can't-figure-it-out dreams again, you know... I think I might be stupid.
- Pickles the Drummer: How can you be stupid? You're famous!
- Charles Ofdensen: That is true...
- Toki Wartooth: And yous a billionaire!
- Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Dat sounds smart to me no matter how many times you slice it.
- William Murderface: Hey quick! What's six times, um, er, uh... twelve!
[Nathan punches Murderface.]
- Murderface: Oh, hey, what the fuck?!
[Toki laughs at Murderface, who punches Toki.]
- Toki: I gets punch for laughing?!
- Murderface: Laughing hurts more.
[At a Tribunal meeting.]
- Senator Stampingston: Nathan Explosion is furthering his education. This could have devastating repercussions!
- Dr. Natasha Neshenskanovich: General. America is the dominant force in the world because our great people are dangerous and stupid. Nathan Explosion is a hero to the ignorant. If he seeks higher education, they will start to act as if they're as good as anyone! If the secret gets out that the working class is as smart as the upper crust that runs the world, well, the results would be catastrophic.
[In the Mordhaus library, Nathan gets tutored in algebra by a librarian. Nathan shushes the band for being noisy.]
- Nathan: Now wait, what do you mean five minus x? What is... what is x?
- Mordhaus Librarian: Oh sweetie... it's just algebra.
- Nathan: It's stupid, and it's not even that akikabablel.
- Mordhaus Librarian: Applicable.
- Nathan: [attempts to say applicable repeatedly, but fails] IT'S STUPID!
[The band shushes him.]
[In the train, Toki and Murderface argue about Murderface's misspellings.]
- Toki: But it's wrong!
- Murderface: Hey, I don't care how wrong it is. Just admit it; I'm a great speller and it burns you.
- Toki: You're not a great speller! You got to spell right to be a speller!
- Murderface: So what? A guy hits a home run, but since he's fat it's not a home run? It's gotta be perfect? That's not the point.
- Toki: Now that is the point! THAT - IS - SPELLING!
- Skwisgaar: Ech, they can't helps it, Toki. Not everyone gets the advantage of superior Skanzanavians ekocationen.
- Pickles: 'Kay, name something that's got nothin' ta do with guitar go, go go go go go...
- Skwisgaar: [unable to produce an answer] Oh, dum, dah, uh, oh, um, ah...
- Nathan: I'm ready. I had that uh, "I'm late for class and I'm in my underwear" dream, but - my palms are sweaty and I can't concentrate, I CAN'T CONCENTRATE!
- Murderface: That's anxiety! A-N-X-I-E-T.
[The band is discussing Nathan's test anxiety.]
- Skwisgaar: Um, Nathans? What do yous do, before you're nervous, at a show?
- Murderface: You know what you do...
- Pickles: Yeah, whaddaya you, whaddaya you do? [shakes a bottle of liquor in front of Nathan] What's Nathan do?
- Murderface: Just have a little drink!
- Nathan: That's it! I have a little drink! [starts drinking the entire bottle of liquor]
- Murderface: That's what you do!
[Nathan walks into the testing room and sits down.]
- Nathan: I'm here, uh, to take the GBD.
- Murderface: The only reason I have a high school degree is 'cause of a very special principal, who let me just play bass and drink beer and smoke dope because I told him I'd cut his eyes out if he didn't let me graduate.
- Ofdensen: Nathan! I have your test results.
- Nathan: Aww, you open it, I... I can't stand the pressure.
- Ofdensen: Let's see here, okay, uh... it's a, uh... zero. No questions were answered.
- Nathan: Awww... DAMN! SERIOUSLY?!
- Ofdensen: How could you... not have known that?
- Nathan: Do you think you're better than me?
- Ofdensen: I took the liberty of writing your Harvard commencement speech.
- Nathan: [Still angry] Thanks!
- Nathan: [reading the speech] Harvard... solutions... solutions to you.
- Ofdensen: [whispers to him] Salutations!
[Nathan tosses aside Harvard commencement speech Charles Ofdensen wrote for him.]
- Nathan: I don't need this stupid speech! [looking out at graduates] You think you're smart huh? Think you can come up here and take a piece of this? Huh? Any of you? You? You? Listen, Harvard. I'm a billionaire. And most of you are gonna graduate, and move back in with your parents! I'm gonna tell you somethin', though. We have something in common: we're all gonna die. No matter whatcha' do, no matter whatcha' do with your lives, you're dead! You're dead! You're dying. You're gonna die, all of you, dead. You, dead. You, dead, all of you. You, lady? Your tits will be eaten by maggots, in just a few short years. So here's my message, my message to you, a very simple message: Go forth. Go forth, and DIIIIIE!
- TV Announcer: William Murderface has been on the stage for about 45 minutes. The word is "technicality" and it's his first word of the night. It's kind of an ironic situation when the word is "technicality" and he is technically already out because he used his first letter - "p" - which is uh... not a letter in the word. He decided to, uh... very confidently speak out before the word was finished being said.
- Murderface: Technicality. P-i-s-s, fuck you! [flips off television camera]
[The band lies around, listlessly. Nathan lets out a huge sigh.]
- William Murderface: Can you pass that Prozac shaker? [Pickles hands him shaker]
- Pickles the Drummer: [takes a spoonful from the box of ice cream Murderface is eating] Awww, this is soy ice cream! Skwisgaar!
- Skwisgaar Skwigelf: [responds lethargically] Huuuh?
- Pickles: ...
- Skwisgaar: Maybe I'm not perfect?
- Nathan Explosion: At least you're not the fattest ugliest lead singer alive [holds up magazine cover] with horrible skin!
[Nathan throws magazine down with an obviously doctored image of his face, and the cover reads "Fatsplosion! Is Nathan Letting Himself Go? Talk about Brutal!"]
[Mashed Potato Johnson brings the band to Mississippi, to teach them the blues.]
- Skwisgaar: Aww, it must be 200 degrees. Fuck this shit, I'm taking off my fucking shirt off.
- Pickles: Wha - where are we?
- Mashed Potato Johnson: We in the south! The birth place of the blues.
- Nathan: Well it's too fucking hot! And I'm taking my shirt off!
[Everyone takes off their shirt. Everyone notices that Toki is ripped.]
- Nathan: My GOD, I have let myself go...
- Murderface: You have put on a few pounds lately -
- Nathan: You're, ah, not supposed to agree with me! Dick brain!
- Toki Wartooth: What are we even doing in this horrible microwave? I don't even care nothings about this blouse!
- Nathan: The blues.
- Toki: Yeah. But all I cares about is dark and brutal!
- Johnson: You wanna know dark and brutal? Come with me.
- Johnson: 'Dis here where the blues began. Right here where we standin' Blind Harlan Davenport killed his wife, bury her in that chicken coop right there. That night he recorded "Wife Gone on a Funeral Train Blues." Next mornin', the po-lice shot him in the eye 52 times... [later] This is where Smokey Toe Brown was savagely beaten for sleepin' wif his neighbor's wife, shortly before he recorded "Train Leavin' This Station Blues". They say his ghost come back to life and kill his neighbor, pitchfork his intestines and hung them on a tree... [later] Everybody knows Shorty Turlingtop made a deal wif the devil. He was hit by a train at this exact spot. As his head traveled in the air, he wrote "Blues Train Blues".
- Skwisgaar: Alls they sings about is trains!
- Johnson: Is there anything else really to talk about? Heh heh. Come on...This here's where Mustard Tits the Murder Master Brown slaughtered 22 men just for bein' ugly, heh. He went on to record "Here Come That Train A-Comin' Blues".
[Mashed Potato Johnson brings them out for a blues-giving session.]
- Pickles: Dude, anyone got any SPF? I'm uh, very Irish... American.
- Johnson: Real bluesman get a sun burn! Now go on Nathan, you can give Murderface them blues!
- Nathan: Okay, uh, alright alright. Uh, hey dog-face! Why don't you go... eat some dog food... eat your own throw up cause you're a dog-face!
- Murderface: Jeez, Nathan, you're a lil' below the belt, I guess I really do have a dog-face. Maybe I should throw up and eat it!
- Johnson: Good! Now you're feelin' them blues! You go on now, Murderface!
- Murderface: Okay, uhh, hey uhh thin-lips, uhh, why don't you go uhh, make out with uhh, Glenn Close and uhh, go bring her to the Acadamy Awards, shove it up your fucking ass, that's great!
- Nathan: Maybe you're right. Maybe I should use my crappy thin lips and make out with Glenn Close.
- Johnson: Now Skwisgaar, let's talk about blues guitar.
- Skwisgaar: I only plays metal. Its embarrass for us to even has this grandpas guitars.
- Johnson: That's because you don't know how to make the bluuues sound! Why don't you try to play this?
- [Johnson plays a blues rhythm. Toki and Skwisgaar play nothing close to the rhythm previously played.]
- Johnson: That's close... one more time, try to play this!
- [He plays a different blues sound, Skwisgaar and Toki play it wrong again.]
- Skwisgaar: We can'ts not plays fast, uh, physically.
- Toki: Yeah, it's hards!
- Johnson: Alright, let's try somethin' else.
- [Toki and Skwisgaar get cinder blocks tied to their wrists, making them play slower, after a little playing, their wrists make a sudden movement causing the blocks to swing, and Toki gets hit in the balls.]
- Toki: Oh, I gots the hit in the balls with the train cinder block, right in the balls oh... [keeps complaining in background]
- Johnson: Now you boys come a long way but some of you might not know. Down here in Mississippi, there's evil. The Blues Devil live down here. If you wanna be a real bluesman, you gotta sell your soul to the devil.
- [Johnson and the Dethklok members gather on the road and wait for the Blues Devil, his car appears in the distance as dark clouds gather suddenly and lightning flashes. As he gets out, more lightning flashes.]
- Blues Devil: I understand you wish to bargain your eternal souls for blues fame.
- Murderface: Yeah, uhh, hey uh, fancy pants, we're "Dethklok". We're kinda famous already?
- Pickles: Oh, c'mon, we're supposed to become, uh, you know, uh blues guys. [to the Blues Devil] Sir? Sorry, hey we, uh, wish to "bargain our souls" you know, for whatever.
- Blues Devil: Very well. You understand then that you will have to sign a binding contract. [lightning and thunder]
- Murderface: Well, see, our lawyer is not here.
- Pickles: Well, it's not like we never negotiated a contract before.
- Nathan: [holding up a contract] Hold on! Page four, your language is kinda murky. Well that's gonna have to be re-written, I'm seeing other revisions too, page seven...
- Johnson: This will do just fine!
- Murderface: Dirty worthless hippies!
- Skwisgaar: This guys is way too happy!
- Johnson: Make them wish they was never born! Give the blues!
- Nathan: Somebody slap my sunburned back. [William smacks his back, and yells in agony] I can feel pain again! ...I'm ready!
[All Dethklok members exit the bar, extremely drunk. Nathan holds up key to the Murdercycle, swaying.]
- Skwisgaar Skwigelf: [haltingly] Ares - yous - alrights - to drive?
- Pickles the Drummer: Nyeah he's fine...
[William Murderface is in the hospital after colliding into a lamp-post while standing upright on his sidecar on the Murdercycle, skidding on the road with his chin, and having his legs run over by a car. Nathan gives him a present when the band visits.]
- William Murderface: Ohhh... a bass.
- Nathan Explosion: Yeah, I figured... you know, you play bass so uh -
- Murderface: Oh thanks, thank you. Jus' put that over there -
[William drops the bass on a big pile of other bass guitars.]
- Skwisgaar: Hey, ahh, I got yous Ken Burns Civil War documentary. You know, actually, uhh, I think this is yours. I'm just giving it back to you, [sigh] I uh, I never watched it.
- Murderface: Thank you.
- Toki Wartooth: And I got you this. It's two Siamese fighting fish! They loves to pal around, that's why you gets two. Look!
[The Siamese fighting fish battle and rip each other to pieces.]
- Murderface: Yea, I guess I'm lucky to be alive, huh?
[Dramatic music starts.]
- Murderface: I mean am I, do I deserve to be here? Right now?
[Dramatic music ends.]
- Pickles: Oooookay.
- Nathan: AHHHHH! [grabs William by the head and shakes him] I DID THIS TO YOU! [lets go] I was driving the Murdercycle. It should be me there! [dramatic music starts again] Still alive, with all those gifts. I'm sorry. I'M SORRY!!!! [punches the wall, which causes a flower pot to fall on William's head] OH GOD, I'M SORRY!
[Murderface is deep in meditation, surrounded by religious icons.]
- Murderface: Mmmmmmm.... Reeeligggion... mmm... reeeeeligiiiiion... mmmmmmmmmm... religggion...
- Skwisgaar: Pffft, this is dildos. Doesn't he knows there's no such things as religion?
- Nathan: You mean you don't believe in God. There is such a thing as religion.
- Skwisgaar: Well prove it! Show me a miracle that religion exists!
- Nathan: Well, uhh, there's a Bible right there.
- Skwisgaar: Well... maybe I re-evaluates my life.
[The band watch a Christian rock band, Prayer Bolt, play.]
- Pickles: Ahh, c'mon, I grew up in the Mid-West, I don't need to see another Christian rock band!
- Nathan: Listen, I almost killed him, he needs our support, just give it a chance, see... it's... it's, it's not so bad. It's uhh, fun?
- Skwisgaar: Oh, there is no God! Just listen to his guitar! Ugh!
- Toki: I gonna go check out this Christian rock mosh pit!
[Toki starts running around the front, elbowing a guy in the face and knocking a couple over. He knocks over a table, exposing a leg.]
- Prayer Bolt Lead Singer: Yeah! Praise the lord!
[He stage dives and lands on the table leg unwittingly. The crowd gasps]
- Murderface: I've seen enough. Pretty good.
- Toki: [backs away into crowd]
[In a church service.]
- Nathan: What kind of church is this?
- Pickles: This is the, uhh, Church of the Atheists.
- Nathan: Oh, uhh, what does that mean?
- Pickles: Oh, uhh, it means that they don't believe in, uhh, God.
- Nathan: Oh, like Skwisgaar or Toki?
- Skwisgaar: No we are Nihilists, we don't believe in anything.
- Nathan: Can't a Nihilist also not believe in god, too?
- Skwisgaar: Uhhh, I don't know.
- Murderface: Shhh! Quiet!
- Atheist Priest: Oh, God, whom we do not believe in, let us all not pray for you whom does not exist in any rational realm...
[A brick flies though window.]
- Atheist Priest: Oh no, we're being picketed by agnostics!
- Pickles: [informing the band] Agnostics honor the possibility of there not being God.
- Atheist Priest: Get 'em!
- Pickles: They hate each other. This is gonna be awesome.
- Murderface: [peering out the window] Just give me a sign. Show me the path of enlightenment, dear, sweet demilord icon.
- Toki: I don't wants to sounds harsh, but this is gettin' weird. He's been through every religion and he ain't decide on nothing. This kind of thing could really fucks up a band. We mays needs to kicks his ass out.
- Pickles: What do you mean? Why do you say that?
- Toki: Because he's creepy. He's acting likes he's fucking demon-possessed. Look at him!
[Murderface starts licking the window.]
- Skwisgaar: Yah I agree, it always happens. One band member, y'know, becomes religion, and the whole band has to change to accommodate the guy, y'know... the dynamic is all the boom, magic is gone... it sucks, y'know but, uh, yeah I say we kill him.
- Nathan: Aw come on, you dicks, he's the bass player. Without him, we're nothing. Sure, we mix his bass out of pretty much every song, but we need him. [pause] Okay, we really don't need him, but it's my fault he's this way; I guess that's my point!
- Satanic Priest: Greetings you children of Satan. Tonight we will pay homage to our under-lord and make sacrifices unto him, ooookay. But first, a couple of announcements, um, last week, some people left some trash behind, candy wrappers, coffee cups, and empty chip bags. Umm, okay this is a church of Satan, this isn't a waste-paper basket - c-can - so if you could please just remember to clean up after yourselves and we can avoid having, you know, ants, worms, raccoons, hail Satan!
- Crowd: Hail Satan.
- Satanic Priest: Also, uh, the neighbor next door, he's on a real tear, he wants, uh, he tows cars, so uh, try not to park in front of his house, because you car will be towed and that's around $300...$300, hail Satan!
- Crowd: Hail Satan.
- Satanic Priest: Pray now the prayer of revenge. On whom do you seek revenge?
- Toki: I seek revenge on Rachel Ray of the Food Network! Can't you make her... eyes fall out, something? Tits fall off?
- Satanic Priest: Satan! Grant this man the gift of revenge against his foes at the Food Network.
- Toki: Seriously?
- Satanic Priest: Yes.
- Toki: S-seriously?!
- Satanic Priest: Yes.
- Toki: Really?
- Satanic Priest: Yes.
- Toki: [whispers in awe] That's cool.
- "Murderface: "Hey, is there a bar around here? Man, it's all the same! All religion's the same!"
[At a Tribunal meeting.]
- Senator Stampingston: Toki Wartooth is becoming alarmingly popular with children. This is something we are not prepared to deal with. You all know our child control expert, Professor Jerry Gustav Munndig.
- Professor Jerry Gustav Munndig: We must fear children. We have many successful programs in place to silence and control children. But I fear this Toki Wartooth - his natural child-like ways and children's affinity towards him may be our biggest threat yet! Do you remember the sixties?
- General Crozier: Yes. Yes, I do.
- Professor Jerry Gustav Munndig: Well! That was just hippies. Dirty hippies with flowers and mushrooms and acoustic guitars... Can you imagine a whole generation of children raised on... metal?
[A commercial is aired.]
- Football Player: Little Juliette Sarmansadandle - she does not have much time left. With our foundation, she gets one last wish, and what is that sweetie?
- Juliette Sarmansadandle: I want to meet Toki.
[In a Dethklok band meeting room.]
- Charles Ofdensen: Toki, the "Wish For Something" foundation, ah, wants you to be its poster boy - quite an honour... sick and helpless children -
- Toki Wartooth: I pass!
- Ofdensen: I'm sorry?
- Toki: I'm not associating myself with kids.
- Ofdensen: These ones are dying, Toki -
- Toki: Ohh, good.
[The band groans in protest.]
- Pickles the Drummer: Awwwh, c'mon, Toki, you don't mean that -
- Toki: Yes I dos! Dead!
- Ofdensen: All you would have to do is spend a few hours, just talking to children, just -
- Toki: Well how comes I can'ts sits around and drinks like Pickle? How come I can'ts fucking sits around and screws sluts or somesing? But no, you are the cutesy guy, that kids like. You gotta helps people, gets over their problem, fuck that! You dos it!
[Nathan has finished reading the entire works of Shakespeare for a series of Books-on-Tape. Pickles is engineering it, and he is drunk.]
- Pickles: Uh, Nathan... you're gonna kill me, but I totally forgot to press 'Record'. Ahh, but... here's the good news: I'm sorry.
[Nathan tries to scream, but has lost his voice.]
[Toki has been burning up the hallways with his flamethrower. He enters the living room, covered in blood, still wielding his flamethrower.]
- Toki: Yeaaaaaaahhhhhhh, see you in your nightmares, dickweeds, ahhhhhh!
- Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Toki is losing his mind, he is.
- Pickles the Drummer: [drunkenly and incoherently] Yeah, mmyeah, acting weird.
- Murderface: I know. I've never seen him like this, he's turnin' into a real asshole.
- Nathan Explosion: [has lost his voice] Can we kick him out of the band?
- Pickles: Woah, woah, woah, woah, ooh... okay, alright, relax... here's what you do... he sleeps, sack, bar of soap, bang bang bang! Brain damage, corn field, gun, pow [makes sound of gun], funeral...
- Skwisgaar: Oh I, thats mays bes a littles toos hards fors mes tos handle.
- Pickles: [quietly] Well, fire him then!
- Murderface: Ahhh, maybe you're right. Looks like I'll have to cancel Planet Piss, DAMN IT!
- Pickles: Why?
- Skwisgaar: Ja, why?
- Murderface: Well, because, too emotional and - I'll probably have to cancel it, awh darn!
- Ofdensen: If you really want to fire Toki, I can begin processing the paperwork, but before we do that, I ah, I might have plan.
- Ofdensen: That little sick girl is here to see you.
- Toki: [harsh voice] Tell her to go die!
- Ofdensen: Well she is dying.
- Toki: Gooooood!
[Juliette Sarmansadandle, the terminally ill little girl who requested to see Toki, waits in their living room, coughing violently, surrounded by the band.]
- Pickles: Aw geez. Hey hey hey, can I get you some tequila?
- Nathan: [still lost his voice] Don't be sad, little girl. One day you're gonna grow up, and you're gonna be big... oh wait, nevermind. Sorry.
[After Toki sees the DVD Juliette made for him, he comes to his senses.]
- Toki: Little girls wait! Wait! I, I sorry! I's all screwed up inside! I was selfish, a selfish idiot! But now I know, how wrongs I was. I have all the times in the worlds for you now! So please, comes back with me. [turns the wheel chair around to reveal Juliette's corpse] AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHE'S DEAD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD! SHE'S DEAD! SHE'S DEAD! OH NO! OH NO, OH NO! OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD! SHE'S DEAD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GO! OH MY GOD! I KILLED HER! I KILLED THE LITTLE-
[He continues screaming and hears voices, hallucinating, including seeing Juliette rotting with maggots eating her flesh and hearing her saying "I'm dead! You killed me! I'm dead because of you!"]
- [Toki and Dr. Rockso sneak into the Mordhaus after joyriding and drinking in Murderface's car. Dr. Rockso sits on the couch and slips a hand into Murderface's pocket to return the keys. Murderface awakens and glares at Rockso]
- Dr. Rockso: [whispers] I do cocaine.
- [Murderface yells in outrage, and Dr. Rockso yells along gleefully.]
[The band and their manager, Ofdensen, gather to lecture Toki.]
- Pickles the Drummer: Toki, what were you thinkin?! Hanging out with clowns?!
- Nathan Explosion: Why didn't you call us?! You've got a cellphone! Why didn't you use it? Where were -
- Pickles: You're going out all night with guns, and ya know, guns... y'know, they're cool so... What am I saying here?
- Dr. Rockso: Back off jack-off, it wasn't his fault.
- Pickles: You shut up!
- Skwisgaar Skwigelf: I gives that clowns a little of bit of a smack.
[Skwisgaar slaps Dr. Rockso.]
- Toki Wartooth: Hey, that's my friend!
- Skwisgaar: Your friend ha. Drunks driving before a tour! Shooting ze guns, huh?
- Nathan: Yeah, he's not a real friend.
- Pickles: Dick!
- Skwisgaar: What kinds of a friends takes on such a godless endeavor? What if you hurt your pinky finger huh? No more tour.
- Nathan: Yeah. What if you hurt your hands?
- Pickles: Yeah, you're being a selfish prick.
- William Murderface: ...I woke up with a clown's hand in my pants. That's... that's what I did today.
- Nathan: Yeah, what the fuck, Toki? There's no such things as clowns.
- Toki: Aww come on, how come I can't have a friend who's a clown? He makes me laugh, ha ha ha!
- Skwisgaar: ....We care about you!
- Nathan: I should be asleep right now. This is a waste of time.
- Pickles: He smells like piss.
- Toki: It's metal to like clowns.
- Everybody Else: No, it's non-metal.
- Murderface: Don't try to tell us it's metal because it's not. We know that trick.
- Toki: Clowns are, statistically, the most hated of all creatures.
- Skwisgaar: Statisticallies or not, but, uh, just don'ts likes this guy.
- Charles Ofdensen: Okay, it's late. Let's just all calm down and discuss this in the morning. May we offer you a ride home?
- Dr. Rockso: Um-hmmm.
- Toki: Okay, calls you later.
- Ofdensen: [talking to Klokateer] Give him whatever he wants. [whispers] Put the boots to him, medium style.
- General Crozier: His name is Dr. Rockso, he's the rock and roll clown. He does cocaine. I'm afraid that's all we know.
[At band rehearsal.]
- Nathan: Hey, you sound like crap, Murderface, what's wrong with you?
- Murderface: I just can't seem to get comfortable. I ran out of clean underwear so I'm wearing a bathing suit.
- Nathan: Bathing suit?
- Murderface: What am I gonna do, not wear underwear?
- Pickles: Yeah, it's called freeballing.
- Nathan: Yeah, I mean I only wear underwear only about... [counts on his fingers] 65% of the time, honestly, otherwise I'm just freeballing.
- Murderface: That's... Really?
- Skwisgaar: Oh ja, in Sweden , underwears is y'know, the kinky stuff, worn as a fetish ja, but you know the exciting sexual stuff? is always freeballing.
- Murderface: Freeballing huh? Well, I'll give it a try.
[Later, Murderface's performance improves drastically.]
- Murderface: Wow - I feel pretty good, this freeballing's amazing.
- General Crozier: You'll be paid to gather whatever you can with this camera in your hat. And no fucking around, got that candy nose?
- Dr. Rockso: Oh, you just keep that cabbage coming, daddy-o, and Dr. Rockso's gonna get you what you want, the way you want it. Now which one of you humps, got a cigarette for Dr. Rockso?
- General Crozier: Just calm down and be careful. And watch out for this guy. [holds up picture of Charles Ofdensen, the band manager.] He means business. Stay away from him.
- Dr. Rockso: .... I do cocai -
- General Crozier: [holds a hand up] Yes, I know. [to the guards] Makes sure no one sees you taking him out of here.
- General Crozier: [mutter] Rock and roll clown...
[In the living room, where the band is in the hot tub, and Toki is playing on a Dance Dance Revolution machine.]
- Skwisgaar: You actuallies been playing ze, almost the bass that can be listens to lately, Murderface, y'know, maybes we even turns it up on the next album.
- Nathan: Yeah, what's wrong?
- Murderface: I think it's this freeballing. Pickles, I can not thank you enough. If only the whole world freeballed - no wonder those Arabs're wearing their dresses.
- Skwisgaar: Freeball.
[The door bell rings.]
- Toki: Oh, that's Dr. Rockso. Yeah, I invites him over. No big deal.
- Skwisgaar: Oh, no, Toki! You don'ts have to always compensates, alright, we pays more attentions to you.
- Toki: Screw that psychological mambo-jambo, I just likes to laugh, ha ha!
- Nathan: Hey don't run, it's wet! I thought we agreed, no clowns!
- Toki: No, we didn't agreed on nothing, we just all yelled and then he was beaten, thats was our conclusions.
- Nathan: Aw, damn, I don't want that asshole around here.
- Skwisgaar: Oh boy, gets readies for a lots of screamings.
- Murderface: Normally, that painted dildo would piss me off, but lately, I've made friends with a distinguished old gentleman sitting on two duffle bags. I'm free, downstairs. Think about it.
- Dr. Rockso: K-K-K-K-K-K-YEAH! IT'S ME DR. ROCKSO, THE ROCK AND ROLL CLOWN!
- Toki: Ha ha ha! [laughs] I just cracks up every time!
[The band mumbles.]
- Nathan: Well wipe your feet before you come in here?
- Dr. Rockso: Hey business man, what you do for a living, sell shoes? K-K-YEAH...
- Ofdensen: May I have a short word with you?
- Dr. Rockso: Oh yeah, you are short. Ohhhhhh yeah.
- Toki: Ha ha, he is short.
- Murderface: Ha.
- Skwisgaar: Yowza.
- Ofdensen: Well, ah, Rockso, Toki really seems to like you, a great deal. So our home is your home.
- Dr. Rockso: OH! MI CASA, SU CASA BA-BABY!
- Ofdensen: Yes, but just remember, stay in the main room, and I, need you to sign this confidential agreement, and pain waiver.
- Dr. Rockso: What if I don't want to?
- Ofdensen: Try me...
[A long pause ensues, both glaring at each other.]
- Dr. Rockso: Aww come on, Rockso's just pu-pulling your ch-ch-chain! You did have my ass beat though. That shit hurts.
- Ofdensen: Well, just stay in the main room, and we'll be fine. Have fun.
- Dr. Rockso: Who wants to watch a rock-sclusive Dr. Rockso music video?
- Toki: Oh me, this gots to be hilarious.
- Nathan: I'd rather die then watch your fucking video, how 'bout that?
- Dr. Rockso: Oh I caught that! But that's okay, Dr. Rockso forgives ya. Now, I'm gonna show you boys that you're not the only ones that know how to rock. This one was banned from Music Television because you can see my junk... through my jumpsuit.
- Murderface: I believe that is what is known as... freeballing.
- Dr. Rockso: It's called "I'm Just A Rock And Roll Clown."
[Dr. Rockso slips into Ofdensen's office and cracks the safe open while the band is distracted by his video.]
- Ofdensen: Find something interesting in there, did you?
[Dr. Rockso pulls out gun and points it at Ofdensen, shaking from having too much cocaine.]
- Ofdensen: Easy Rockso, easy. Don't you think you might have had a little too much cocaine?
- Dr. Rockso: [voice wavering] Back off, man. Leave me alone.
[Meanwhile, in the living room - ]
- Murderface: [hearing a shot being fired] Hey, that's my driving gun! [stands up]
- Pickles: Hey, you're not supposed to wear clothes in the hot tub.
- Murderface: I'm freeballing.
- Dr. Rockso: [dashes by] K-K-K-K-K-YEAH!
[The window smashes as he jumps out, and gunshots are heard.]
- Toki: I told you he was funny.
[Ofdensen stops the Klokateers about to pursue Dr. Rockso.]
- Ofdensen: Wait... See where he goes.
- [At a concert, after performing 'Castratikron'.]
- Female Fans: Nathan! Nathan! Can you get us back stage, we'll make it worth your while. We'll totally suck your hog. Please, Nathan! Nathan! Yeah, we'll totally gang bang you. All of us will. Nathan! Nathan! Cut our faces off. Cut my arms off.
- Nathan Explosion: Uhhhh... I - I - can't.
- Female Fans: What's he saying? What's he saying?
- Nathan: I can't. I... have a girlfriend now.
- [Crowd emits a noise of shock.]
- Female Fans: [shrieking] Noooooo!
- Pickles the Drummer: She's probably keeping watch, like a hawk.
- William Murderface: Yeah, it's another judgemental bird-face band-wrecker.
- Nathan: What?
- Murderface: What? Nothing, god you're paranoid. Oh, there's my drink, over there, gotta go!
- Horace Marvingblad Wimplestein, Jr.: Gentlemen, have you heard of the United States Pornography Awards?
- General Crozier: I've read reports.
- Horace Marvingblad Wimplestein, Jr.: This is the biggest adult film event of the year, and I believe that if we can involve Dethklok in participating, then we may have a chance at tempting Nathan Explosion and tearing his relationship apart.
- General Crozier: I feel that this would work better if I was there, at the Pornography Awards.
- Senator Stampingston: Perhaps I should go, too.
- Cardinal Ravenwood: I feel that I should be there, too.
- Tribunal Member: I want to go, too.
- Mr. Salacia: No. You are not allowed to go.
- Charles Ofdensen: So, you've been cordially invited to host at the United States Pornography Awards...
- [The bands, except Nathan, cheers.]
- Ofdensen: Not the uh, most distinguished event, I advise we pass. Moving on, we have a -
- Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Fuck that, I'm going.
- Pickles: Yeah, what are you, a eunuch? Sign us up!
- Ofdensen: They're not paying you, and you'd lose money.
- Toki Wartooth: So, fuck that, I pay them for this! I just wants to make out withs thems beautiful goils...
- Ofdensen: Well, uh... financially speaking, you -
- Murderface: Hey, listen, eh, "Mr. Numbers", uh, sometimes you gotta just do something because your heart tells ya it's the right thing to do...
- Skwisgaar: Gots to listen to your hearts...
- Toki: Now signs us up! Naked ladies, oh wowie!
- Pickles: It's unanimous!
- [The band, sans Nathan, at practice.]
- Skwisgaar: I'ms gettings worrieds. United States Pornography Awards in two days and Nathan hasn't been to rehearsal.
- Murderface: That's ladies for you, they rob you of your very essence! They're SOUL MURDERERS!
- Skwisgaar: They're not goods enough for hims! I hates her! Yets... I would totally do's her.
- Toki: Yeah, me too. So strange, is this mind of men...
- Skwisgaar: [philosophically] Yeah, my little friend... we are... so evolved, yet out animalistic inskinks always remind us of who we really are.
- Toki: [conclusively] Mens are the beasts... and womens... the demons of the nights...
- [Nathan enters.]
- Skwisgaar: Hey! You feeling all right?
- Murderface: [clearly excited] Aw, did she break up with you?
- Nathan: No. But I have some bad news... I can't go to the United States Pornography Awards... I'm not allowed.
- Pickles: Dude, but if you can't go, then we can't play and...[babbles] We can't go! We can't go!!!
- Nathan: I'm sorry...
- Toki: I wanted to kiss the girls!
- Pickles: I want to die...
- Skwisgaar: WHHHYYYYY?!
- Nathan: You don't understand, she won't let me!
- Murderface: Your relationship is messing with our lives! Our lives!
- [The band tries to torture sense into Nathan.]
- Skwisgaar: Your attitude is unacceptable. Why do you like that lady?
- Pickles: Every time we see you with her, you look like a beaten dog! Aroooo!
- Nathan: Fine! You want the truth? I hate that lady.
- Murderface: You hate her? And yet you are with her? Why?!
- Nathan: I DON'T KNOW!
- Murderface: Toki?
- [Toki tasers Nathan.]
- Nathan: It's the most brutal thing ever. It's not like regular hate. It's so much more black. If she were a street gang I'd fucking go to war with her with bottles and chains. But this is different. There's nothing I can do.
- [At the United States Pornography Awards.]
- Skwisgaar: And the awards for the best use of a dildo...
- Pickles: On "Golden Dildo"...
- Murderface: Dildo-dildo-a-rooney-roo!
- Toki: "Kissing Lips, the kissing dildo"...
- Nathan: And the award goes to "Dildo Team Task Force Z".
[A TV show, Dating Penelope.]
- Penelope: Now be nice to this one daddy, I'm sick of you scaring all my dates away!
- Penelope's Father: Well, if they can't stand the heat, I don't want them near your kitchen! [studio laughter]
- Penelope: I don't even know what that means!
- Penelope's Father: Well what does this guy do anyway?
- Penelope: He works at this place, the morgue? [studio laughter]
- Penelope's Father; Well, at least your mother will like him! [studio laughter]
- Penelope: What?
- Penelope's Father: Ummm, people must be dying to work with him! [studio laughter]
[The door bell rings, and Penelope's father goes to the door]
- Penelope's Father: Morgue, huh? This one might not scare so easily. [opens the door]
[Applause and cheers sound, William Murderface stands at the door holding half a dog, with the intestines slipping out.]
- William Murderface: [indignantly] Do you think that a driveway is a funny place for a dog to sleep?! [studio laughter]
[Consuela approaches, stirring in a pot. The dog twitches.]
- Murderface: Uh, this isn't your dog... is it? [studio laughter]
- Senator Stampingston: It seems that Dethklok has decided to become professional actors. Gentlemen, our resident acting expert, Dr. Chaz Fazzledoctinhoffer. Dr. Chaz.
- Dr. Chaz Fazzeldoctinhoffer: This whole Dethklok acting business concerns me! We've gone to great lengths to control movies and blend them together with television into one bland, lifeless face that the humanoid public can nourish off of.
- General Crozier: You think Dethklok could really have an impact on the movie industry?
- Dr. Chaz Fazzeldoctinhoffer: What Dethklok does for the news awakens the imagination of the public! They have... charisma... They have... it! They have... zazz...
- General Crozier: Supposing they do make a successful movie, what's the worst case scenario?
- Dr. Chaz Fazzeldoctinhoffer: Independent thought return, creative control goes back to the artists, actors become smart and cool again, movies become thoughtful, endings become hard to figure out, people go to theaters and... interact with each other...
- Senator Stampingston: And become entirely harder to control...
- General Crozier: The domino effect...
[Trailer for the movie: Blood Ocean]
- Narrator: In a world with no laws, the planets are being pillaged by space vikings. Their lives are secret to a swords fathers maker who knows the identity of a serial killer.
- William's Character: I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!
- Narrator: And the oil rig where the haunted crypt of Maming Dalafalalao lies...
- Toki's Character: [running in fear] NOOOOOOO!!!!
- Narrator: And the love where it happened at...
- Nathan's Character: [sinking in blood] SPACE ODIN...
- Narrator: BLOOD OCEAN!
[scenes of action show]
- Narrator: Coming soon...BLOOD OCEAN.
- William's Character: I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!
- Narrator: BLOOD OCEAN.
[The movie premiere for Blood Ocean, the movie starring Dethklok.]
- Nathan's Character: Blood. An ocean of blood. I wondered how many blood drops of blood there are in this blood ocean. I wondered how much is in... in a drop. I wondered, how I - let's just say there are possibly...
- Murderface's Character, a police officer: I am just a cop. A cop who happens to be a serial killer. How did I get here in this blood ocean? I guess it all started a long time ago, far away from here...
- Skwisgaar's Character, a Space Viking: [a voice over] Our planet is in search of blood. It will have to be a whole ocean of blood.
- Skwisgaar: Whats the hells, that isn't hows I sound!
- Pickles Character: [in a very high voice; sounds like he is either drunk or high] I'm torn between my evil desires and the quest for justice in earth -
- Nathan's Character: ...Take this, and multiply by the volume of the water in the ocean, 'cause it's blood, a blood ocean, and the water... I found, I found it out, there's trillions of gallons -
[Outside the cinema.]
- Nathan: Oh what the fuck, what a piece of shit.
- Murderface: Was I more fat, or was I more stupid-looking? My god I'm hideous.
- Skwisgaar: Who's was thats voice?
- Pickles: It didn't even make sense! [to Ofdensen] You, do whatever it takes, that piece of crap ain't comin' out!
- Toki: Aw, nots even ons D Vee D?
[The band tells him to shut up.]
- James Grishnack: Hello boys, hope I'm not interrupting anything.
- Pickles: Mr. Grishnack, that movie cannot come out. It's crap!
- Grishnack: Now don't be drastic, this happens all the time. We just happened to make another, what you call in this business, a real piece o' shit!
- Murderface: So you're not going to release it...
- Grishnack: Normally, a movie like this, I'd just, I'd just eat it and it would die, but since it's you, oh yeah, we're gonna put this out, and it's gonna make the money back. I don't care if it's gonna ruin your careers, I'm making my money back. It's Dethklok in a movie.
- Nathan: That's our reputation you're messing with, Grishnack!
- Grishnack: Alright, dildoes, listen up! I've been fucking over fathead celebrities since you were all shitting in diapers! Now, this movie, it's a 500 million dollar shit sandwich, and you're all gonna take a bite and you're gonna smile cause you love how it tastes! Got it? Now you go out there, your-your adoring public... I wrote all the reviews! Nobody knows what a good movie is anymore! Just shut up and smile! Remember: shit sandwich, tastes great! Now go!
The Metalocalypse Has Begun (1.20)
- Charles Ofdensen: Gentlemen. You've been receiving death threats from some of your fans.
- Pickles the Drummer: So they're gonna die?
- Ofdensen: No, Pickles, they're threatening to kill you.
- Pickles: That... that's a different thing!
- Ofdensen: Yes. Before the show, we should do a couple of safety briefings, I've outlined a very specific -
- Nathan Explosion: Right, well, anything else?
- Ofdensen: Any new ideas for the Dethmerch? I remember you all complaining that you were sick of -
- Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Oh. Ja. Guys. Ares you ready? Dis is it.
- William Murderface: Here's the new merch!
- Skwisgaar: Dis is... times travels face bag.
[The band puts black plastic bags over their heads.]
- Ofdensen: Time... travel... face bag, am I saying that right? Looks like you have uh, some plastic bags. What are you doing?
- Nathan: [voice muffled through the bag] We're traveling through time.
- Toki Wartooth: Yeah, you put the face bag on and travel through time!
- Murderface: [removes the bag] Dear God! You, boy in the street! What day is it?
- Pickles: It is Wed - It's Friday! It's Friday!
- Murderface: I must have traveled through time itself!
- Nathan: We've uh, figured out how to travel through time at the speed of... regular time, with plastic bags.
- General Crozier: Kill 'em all.
[Toki and Skwisgaar's Penta-pods crash-land in a forest.]
- Skwisgaar: What in the fucking names of Odin?!
- Toki: What the hell was that?
[Both emerge from their Penta-pods.]
- Skwisgaar: Dude, where are we's? What the fuck we just flies in? ...What the hell was wrong with your guitar sounds tonight?
- Toki: The hells that supposed to mean, it sounded great!
- Skwisgaar: Nope. Sounds dildos. Agains.
- Pickles: Dude, it was a fan attack! That's what Ofdensen warned us about!
- Nathan: Why do fans, feel that they have to do that? I mean what, to get noticed?
- Murderface: I know, there's so many nice kids out there, and just a couple of them gotta attack you? Spoils it for everyone!
- Nathan: I know. Sad... Sad for them.
- Pickles: It is sad! It's sad for them!
- Murderface: It's pathetic, it just makes me feel sorry for them, that's all.
- Pickles: Oh, must be a rescue team. Hey guys, DOWN HERE!
[Pickles, Nathan and Murderface are surrounded by soldiers loading their guns.]
- Pickles: IT'S US, DETHKLOK, STRANDED OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!
- Murderface: Oh, I hope they brought some fuckin' food!
- Nathan: I feel like eating cheese. Like, really fancy cheese, what's the name of that cheese, Renoir?
- Pickles: Yeah, I could do that. Maybe a little Kool-Aid of, you know... of the, you know, the grape, persuasion...
- Nathan: That's what I'm talkin' about!
[A soldier fires sleep-gas canisters at them, which begin to leak gas immediately at their feet.]
- Murderface: Oh look, firecrackers!
- Nathan: Oh, let's steal them!
- Murderface: I remember when I was a child -
[Nathan, Murderface, and Pickles immediately fall asleep and begin to snore.]
- Skwisgaar: I'm just sayings I can hears you guitars ringing out in my monitor mix, yous are half-assing!
- Toki: [offended] How dare you! I'm sellin' it - You - I'm kicking ass! You just stand there! [makes a noise] Just boring! I'm rocking it every -
- Skwisgaar: Yeah, well that's the expense of sloppys playing. You see Toki -
[A tree to their left suddenly explodes; Toki and Skwisgaar immediately freeze.]
- Toki: Dat's weird!
[The assassin, Agent 216's brother, locates Skwisgaar and Toki.]
- Assassin: [aiming handguns at Toki and Skwisgaar] It's time to die!
- Skwisgaar: I will seesk you in Valhalska.
- Toki: ... I've always hated you, Skwisgaar...
- Skwisgaar: I knows, Toki... I knows.
[Ofdensen appears and shoots a gun into the sky behind the Assassin.]
- Ofdensen: That's my bread and butter you're fucking with.
[On the battlefield, amid the corpses.]
- General Crozier: It's time.
- Cardinal Ravenwood: No! We must-a pray first! Or it will be devastating!
- General Crozier: Do it. Now.
- Cardinal Ravenwood: Pater noster, qui es in caelis, sanctificetur -
[Mr. Salacia suddenly appears in the fog.]
- Mr. Salacia: You have betrayed me!
[He kills the five remaining soldiers by exploding their heads telekinetically.]
- Mr. Salacia: [to Cardinal Ravenwood] Be blind.
[Ravenwood's eyes explode, and his intestines prolapse through his mouth and wrap around his neck.]
- General Crozier: What are you doing?!
- Mr. Salacia: You I need alive. Sleep.
[Crozier falls to the ground unconscious.]
- Mr. Salacia: [to the unconscious Nathan, Pickles, and Murderface] We will meet again.
[Salacia and Crozier disappear as Toki, Skwisgaar and Ofdensen arrive to the others as they awaken.]
- Ravenwood: [hoarsely, as he is dying] The Metalocalypse has begun...