Metalocalypse (season 4)

The following is a list of quotes from the fourth season Metalocalypse.

Fanklok (4.1)

Pickles: Guys I'm really worried about Nathan. Dating a fan is kind of a no-no.

Toki: What abouts a quicks humps with a groupies. What ams wrongs with thats?

Skwisgaar: Well, Tokis, you cans humps all the groupies you wants but, you know...

Pickles: But don't make a fan your girlfriend!

Murderface: Why not?!

Pickles: Because fans are crazy obsessed weirdos, you can't have a real relationship with them! Mark my words! He'll see! It always ends badly! [Nathan enters] What a sad dildoooo...[notices Nathan] Hi.

Nathan: ...Hi.

---

Nathan: Listen, all of you. My girl-fan-friend is fucking awesome, okay?! It's a great relationship!

Pickles: It's not a relationship, it's an ego booster!

Nathan: She's like totally the most loyal person in the world. She's like a fucking amazing, hot...loyal...Labrador...but with really nice tits.

Murderface: All we're saying is she kinda sounds like a crazy dildo.

[Nathan's girlfriend enters next to Murderface]

Girlfriend: ...Hi.

---

[several shots of Nathan and his girlfriend making out in front of the other band members]

Toki: [disgusted] Uhhh, come on guys, we gots to gos to a meetings.

Nathan: Yeah you're right. Let's go. Charles always gets pissed off when were late, you know? [chuckles; Charles walks in] He's such an uptight [notices him standing right beside him] diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiildooooooooooooooo-hi.

Ofdensen: [not amused] ...Hi.

---

Stampingston: Gentlemen, Dethklok has returned back to Earth and is on the verge of releasing a new record. General Crozier?

Crozier: In addition, Nathan Explosion has begun dating a fan.

Orlaag: Historically, dating a fan has proven to be catastrophic.

Stampingston: Yes. Here to speak more is Nathan Explosion Romance expert, Dr. Tormanbin McMildidindindin. Dr. McMildidindindin?

Dr. Tormanbin McMildidindindin: Nathan Explosion is cursed by love! In this case he is involved in the worst relationship known to mankind; he's begun seriously dating one of his wretched, mindless, fans. A lactic pathetic attempt to avoid intimacy. These fan elastic pretend relationships have the illusion of working, but when the celebrity wants out, the results can be quite dangerous.

---

[at Klokikon] [all Dethklok members except Nathan are smoking]

Skwisgaar: Oh my Gods, looks at dis place.

Nathan: Sweaty nerds!

Toki: Ugh, cosplay geeks!

Pickles: Dethklok furries!

Skwisgaar: Just what we needs, more homoskektuals fanfictions.

Toki: [upon seeing a naked picture of him] Hey looks that ams a really good renderings of my abs!

Nerd in a Wheelchair: Can you guys get out of my way? I wanna...buy a Dethklok comic book.

Murderface: Where did you get a 100 ounce Coca-Cola?

Nerd: It's a galloner...

Nathan: Can I ask you something, did you eat all that garlic crazy bread?

Nerd: [moving on] Yeah...

[a Pickles Cosplayer rolls up]

Fat Pickles: Nice Nathan outfit!

Nathan: Thanks. [Pickles gorans] ...Fat Pickles...

Skwisgaar: Hey fat Pickle, you don't know wheres the Tringles exhibition is, do you?

[Fat Skwisgaar Cosplayer walks up eating a hamburger]

Fat Skwisgaar: Oh, I do, it's over there...

Skwisgaar: Ams thats supposed to be me?

Fat Skwisgaar: Are you guys smoking? You know that's bad for you...

Nathan: [clearly annoyed] Thank you for the, uh, heath advice. Come on let's go!

Diversityklok (4.2)

Conferenceman: Can you guys ever be serious?

Nathan: [smiling] Oh can I ever be serious? Can I ever be serious, that's a good question. Can I ever be serious? I dunno, I guess THAT'S DOABLE! [applause] Thank you! Thank you, I'm really glad everyone loves my catchphrase!

Conferenceman 2: How come what's-his-face isn't here?

Nathan: What's-his-face...

Conferenceman 2: Uhhh Toki!

Nathan: Toki!

Pickles: Oh Toki's not here!

Nathan: I wonder if we forgot him. I wonder if that's doable. Thank you.

---

Ofdensen: So uh, we're gonna be doing some community outreach to combat the negative press, resulting from your uh, apparent racial insensitivity.

Pickles: Your apparent racial sensitivity? Do you think that sounds a little racist?

Nathan: Yeah that sounds a little racist to me.

Ofdensen: It's not me they're calling a racist, they're calling you racists.

Nathan: We're not racists! We don't give a fuck what color our fans are, because we don't give a fuck about our fans! Isn't that right?!

Pickles: Boy is that ever!

Ofdensen: Either way the media thinks your racists.

Nathan: Hey! Listen! I know we like to joke around a lot about everything, but I love ethnics, I mean I love Mexican...food.

Murderface: Yup.

Nathan: Chinese food.

Murderface: Yup.

Nathan: Black, uhhh, liquorice.

---

Ofdensen: Guys this youth center is gonna mean a lot to your minority fans so let's just get through this and we won't be racist anymore. I mean uh, we never were...but people thought we were. But I know I'm not racist, and I suspect that you are not. Okay once they get their building-

Nathan: They?

Ofdensen: Okay...then we get our non-racist reputation back.

---

Skwisgaar: [about the special costumes Toki made them wear for the Diversity event] Holy shit, guys! We ams dressed likes the fuckings Klans!

Pickles: Toki, your special outfits, while very comfortable, are going to get us killed!

Toki: [watching on TV having been left behind at Mordhaus] Ah, you fuckers left me again!

---

Nathan: [as the band run for their lives from a mob of outraged fans] This is so not doable!

Prankklok (4.3)

Murderface: Watch this. You're about to witness the art of a prank call. [dials phone]

Toki: [phone rings] Hello?

Murderface: [in a high pitched voice] I'm a little old lady and I'd like to come over!

Toki: Uhhh, I'ms ins a stupid meetings, buts uh...maybe you cans come over laters. Who is this?

Murderface: We can order pizza!

Toki: Oh I loves pizza! How did you gets my number?

[Murderface snickering hangs up and dials again]

Toki: Hello? Some nice old lady just hungs up on me! Oh I hope she's okay!

Skwisgaar: One moment, Toki. Hello, this ams Skwisgaar Skwigelf-uh speakings.

Murderface: [different voice] This is a divorced overweight, African-American lady. Can I come over?

Skwisgaar: Maybe I cans squeeze you ins?

Nathan: [holding the record] Guys do you think the red in this album cover is too pink?! This looks like fucking soup! It looks like pink tomato soup! Can we send it back and ask them to make it more blood red?

Ofdensen: Nathan, I'm sorry but the albums have already shipped!

Pickles: Told you so.

Ofdensen: It's too late.

Skwisgaar: Huh, dats ams weirds...uh...

Toki: Oh what happened?

Skwisgaar: Dis lady calls me and says she's horny and thens shes HANGS UPS ON ME! ... I hope she ams okay...

Motherklok (4.4)

[at Dethfair in Tomahawk]

Nathan: WHAT'S GOING ON TOMAHAWK? [little applause] Okay...uhhhhh-welcome to the very first DethFair, I don't know if you heard, but we're going to play a free concert. [to someone offstage] Free? We're really playing f- playing free concert - [back to crowd] So we brought some pretty cool stuff for the fair, like a pirate ship with the Somali Pirates who are gonna threaten to kill you. You know we have a really big Dorrito that we're- we're gonna see how fast you can eat it. Uhh we have a maybe, million dollar Ferrari Wheel, Ferris Wheel, made of Ferraris.

Man: GET OFF THE STAGE AND GET US A JOB, PRICK!

[angry sounds]

Nathan: Well if you guys are so pissed off, why don't you collectively kill yourselves?!

Man: [silence] YOU'RE A JERK-

Nathan: What was I talking about? Fuck this, I'm done. [knocks microphone off the stand] Fuck you. [to the bandmates] I think that went well.

Skwisgaar: That was pretty goods.

---

Pickles: My mom, is right!! Alright?! This is a fantasy that we're living in! A fucking fantasy!! And I can't impress her, no matter how much money I make, and I realize it's because I don't have a REAL JOB!!!

Nathan: Pickles, calm down!

Pickles: It's true!!

Nathan: Your mom, is a bitch! You should tell her to go fuck herself!

Pickles: Whoa BACK UP! You did NOT just say that to me about my mom!

Skwisgaar: Uh, Pickle?

Pickles: Yes?!

Skwisgaar: You should go tell your mom to go fucks herselfs.

Pickles: [infuriated] JUST B- THIS IS MY FAMILY!!

Nathan: Yeah! The family that you hate!

Skwisgaar: And you also calls dems assholes all the times.

Pickles: Yeah o- WHOA! Okay...maybe I do. But you know what? I'm starting to think that maybe WE'RE the assholes!

Nathan: [shocked] Pickles! Us?!

Pickles: YES! And that's why I'm going to go sell cars.

Nathan: [deep in thought] .....you mean houses.

Pickles: ...Yes.

---

Molly: Pickles! You need to cut this Realtor bullshit and get back to making a new record, so we can all make money again!

Pickles: Wait a minute! You don't even care that I'm the best regular jack-off realtor in the world?!

Molly: Fuck that realtor crap! I want you to go back to playing drums with your stupid band and fix the fucking economy!

Skwisgaar (flashback): You shoulds gos tell your mothers to go fucks herselfs!

Nathan (flashback): You should tell your mother to go fuck herself!

Ofdensen (flashback): You should tell your mother to go fuck herself!

Pickles: [enraged] Hey mom! GO FUCK YOURSELF!

[Molly stands awestruck]

Bookklok (4.5)

Ofdensen: Okay guys, we got a lot of work today, a lot of stuff to cover so let's-

Nathan: HEY! SKWISGAAR! Sorry, Charles... Skwisgaar, sorry about that book. [Skwisgaar just looks really depressed giving no response] But look at what I got today guys. [pulls out a defibrillator] It's my defibrillator. I bought it off Sky Mall.

Pickles: Why do you need that?

Nathan: It's uh, you know to shock people, if they have a thing, like a heart attack or if they're sleeping. But I bought it because it's fucking awesome! Murderface, help me work this thing!

Ofdensen: Guys I don't think you should be messing around with a defibrillator.

Murderface: God would you butt out, please?! I mean God, don't let this guy abuse you Nathan, he's trying to control you. Just like Skwisgaar did to Toki! No offense Skwisgaar [Skwisgaar is still unresponsive] Now what do you want me to do Nathan?

Nathan: Uh just stand there, oh and yell "clear!"

Murderface: Oh awesome! Just like the doctors do on TV!

Ofdensen: Guys come on, I don't think-

Murderface: CLEAR!!

[Nathan shocks Murderface with the defibrillator, Murderface shrieks in pain]

Pickles: Dude that's pretty awesome!

Murderface: Oh oh ow, man, LOOKS pretty awesome! Ahh, AWW WHO THE FUCK PEED ON ME?

Pickles: I think you're the culprit in this particular mystery.

Murderface: How can I pee on myself when I'm right here?

---

[Nathan shocks Skwisgaar with the defibrillator. Skwisgaar loses consciousness and control of his bladder.]

Nathan: Skwisgaar! It appears as if someone has peed your pants!

Writersklok (4.6)

Nathan: [in a demo session; off-tempo and not energetic] Falling down / hurt yourself / Really can hurt...really, can, really now- CAN WE STOP THIS THING?!

Dick: Okay, fine. What's going on?

Nathan: I guess I'm just not feeling it.

Dick: That "falling down" stuff's good! I mean, it's good enough!

Pickles: Dude, Nathan! We've been doing demos for 37 days! When are you gonna start feeling it, already?!

Nathan: I don't know.

Dick: [with a stripper on his lap] Check it out, Amber here was feeling it! She was bouncing on my lap...up and down, up and down, right Amber? [before Amber can reply] Don't talk. You know the rules.

Skwisgaar: [also with two stripper; Murderface has a fat one sitting with him off to the side] Hey Trinitys...and her sisters, Quadrupaltys, alsos really exciteds, they gives me double blow jobs.

Nathan: [two strippers are fondling his legs] Maybe I need a blow job. You know?

---

[Dethklok is lost, and in horrible shape]

Nathan: This vacation, SUCKS! You know, it's all that stupid lady producer's fault! She did this to us on purpose!

Pickles: Well maybe if you hadn't, DESTROYED THE RECORD in the first place...

Nathan: I'm getting tired of this...

Pickles: We wouldn't be here in the first place!

Nathan: I SAID I WAS SORRY!

Pickles: No! You DIDN'T, EVER say you were sorry!

Nathan: IT WAS IMPLIED!!

Pickles: I'D LIKE TO ADD, TO THE...

Nathan: YOU KNOW, THAT I HAVE AN APOLOGY PROBLEM!!!

[van pulls up, and soldiers get out]

Soldier: Get in the van, now!

Dethcamp (4.7)

Nathan: Okay, did you remember to pack your deady bear?

Toki: Yeps.

Nathan: Kay, you got your fluoride whore's blood extra-whitening toothpaste with flavor crystals?

Toki: Yeps.

Nathan: You got your pentagram crackers, right?

Toki: Yeps.

Nathan: You got your severed fingerpaints?

Toki: Yeps.

Nathan: You got your Dante's Inferno Simulators of Hell coloring book?

Toki: Yeps.

Nathan: You got your My Little Disemboweled Pony lunch box, right?

Toki: Yeps.

Nathan: You got your Rock-A-Rooni disguise so no one knows who you are, right?

Toki: [puts on a baseball cap] Yeps, as long as I wears dis, no one will knows that I'm famous!

Nathan: Good. And of course, you got your insulin and your needles, right?

Toki: Yeps, never leaves my sides.

---

[loud knocking]

Pickles: Ugh, okay! I hear you I HEAR YOU! [turns light on] God what time is it?

[door opens to reveal a very frightened Skwisgaar and Murderface]

Skwisgaar: Can we sleeps with you, Pickle?

Murderface: [in regret] We had too much whipped cream and watched...

[Skwisgaar and Murderface in shock and fear]

Pickles:Guys, guys, guys what do I keep telling you about eating too much chocolate and watching scary movies?

Murderface: You said to don't do it, but we diiid!

Skwisgaar: You said that we shouldn't do its, but nows it's too lates.

Murderface: It doesn't matter now...please Pickles...

Pickles: All right, fine just...[Skwisgaar and Murderface immediately get in Pickles bed]

Murderface: All right!

Skwisgaar: Thanks, Pickle!

Pickles: ...just get in the bed, and go to sleep, okay?!

Skwisgaar: Oh, thanks you Pickle.

Murderface: [sighs in relief] [whispering] Oh uh, I gotta fart!

Skwisgaar: Uh oh... [snickering as Murderface farts]

Pickles: God fucking dammit, go to bed!

---

Nathan: Pickles, wake up, we gotta go get Toki!

Pickles: Okay, Nathan, do you think you're over parenting Toki, just a little bit?

Nathan: Uhhhh...[seeing Murderface and Skwisgaar in the bed] What the fuck are you guys doing in his bed?

Pickles: I'd rather not talk about it.

---

Toki: You know what? Dis ams bullshit! I'm not just some dildo jack-off campers! My names Toki Wartooth, and I'm in Dethkloks! [audience gasps at his identity] Now I'ms taking my snow globes and gettings the fuck outta here! [turns to get his snow globe, which is missing from it's spot] Oh no, where's my snow globes?

Bully: You mean thiiiis? [holds up the snow globe and smashes it on the ground, Toki stands upset] Oops. [laughs]

[Dethkloks pulls up, and sees what has been done; none look at all pleased]

Nathan: [picking up the snow globe] Oh shit little kid...you just fucked up real bad...

---

Nathan: [cornering Toki's bully, holding Toki's broken snow globe] Tell me. Which hand do you fret with?

Dethvanity (4.8)

Nathan: [in a comfort chair] Move my feet lower and my head up higher.

Klokateer: How's that, sire?

Nathan: I'm eating a piece of pizza, closer to my head.

Murderface: Hey, Nathan, can I talk to you for a minute?

Klokateer: How's that, sire?

[Murderface clears his throat]

Nathan: Getting better, getting warmer]

Murderface: ...in confidence.

Klokateer: Is that adequate, sire?

Murderface: FUCK OFF! [klokateer leaves]

Klokateer: Y-yes sire.

Murderface: [in jolly mood] Heh-hey, Nathan, pal! Good 'ole Nathan, aw man, look at those shoulders, Captain of the ship! What's happening man? [pause] Nathan, I want you to look at me. Are you looking at me?

Nathan: [trying to ignore him] Kind of.

Murderface: [in dramatic mood] I'm gonna tell you a sad tale.

Nathan: Oh God...

Murderface: Imagine a child, so horrific looking...

Nathan: Uh huh...

Murderface: That he drove his parents to murder-suicide.

Nathan: Yeah, you right?

Murderface: Well- uh...Imagine a man...with so little self esteem...

Nathan: You.

Murderface: ...that he looks...and acts like me!

Nathan: You.

Murderface: Well that man is me!

Nathan: Well glad that we uh...had this little chat. See you later...

Murderface: You're just not getting it. Listen to me-

Nathan: YOU WANNA BORROW SOME MONEY, JUST SAY IT!!

Murderface: Yes I wanna borrow some money, but-

Nathan: I'll give you anything just to get you away from me, all right?

Murderface: I won't forget this pal! I'm having some work done down in Tijuana, shhh don't tell the others, it's our secret, you know because it's uh, cost effective-

Nathan: GET OUT OF HERE!!!

Going Downklok (4.9)

Doctor: You guys should be ashamed of yourselves. You've been jacking off so hard, that you've got advanced carpal tunnel syndrome. Whatever.

Nathan: So uhh, you're saying we were touching our...you know whats too much? [Abigail giggles] Hey this is serious stuff! Stop giggling!

Abigail: I'm not, I'm being serious.

Doctor: You must refrain from masturbating for the next three months. But beware, you will experience withdrawal, hallucination, sexual nightmares, gender issues. Without masturbation, men and women will go insane!

---

Dethdinner (4.10)

Nathan: Excuse me, excuse me, can I have everyone's attention, I just wanna say a few things.

Ofdensen: Oh God, please...please God...

Nathan: I have a secret to reveal, I uh...there's been a bit of an inter-office relationship going on and uh...Abigail...and myself...are an item. [applause but Abigail looks shocked] I just wanted to announce that, thank you everyone, thank you. You're beautiful!

Pickles: [enraged, smashes his wine glass] NO! No no no! You cannot have this too! You greedy, fat asshole! You fuck! Y-y-you destroy the record! You fucking take everything you see! [grabs dinner plates and smashes them] And you take, and you take! [Murderface, drunk walks over]

Murderface: Hey, hey, hey!

Pickles: Get off of me! Get off of me!

Murderface: What are you gonna do, hit me?! [immediately punched by Pickles] AHHHHH! It's not supposed to happen!

Pickles: Goddammit...I'm fucked. I'm fucking fucked over here. I got nothing...so I'm gonna fucking take myself the fuck outta here. I fucking quit. I fucking quit!

Breakup Klok (4.11)

Nathan: [at an audition for his new band, the drummer is doing a Metal beat] Stop, stop listen! It sounds like you're trying to sound like Dethklok, all right? That's- You're missing the point!

Dick: Yeah, guys, we're trying to get away, from the Dethklok sound, we're moving on. Get it? Nathan why don't you explain a little more about that.

Nathan: Uhh...okay y-yeah.

Skwisgaar: Explains the sounds a bit...to them.

Nathan: Uhh, it's gotta be umm, what are we talking about how it's sounds...

Skwisgaar: Measurables, hows to be extra sounds...

Nathan: Extra...it has to be more than...

Skwisgaar: It has to be, you know, more dans the...

Nathan: Yeah, but with less! But with less. Yeah.

Skwisgaar: Dat's the idea. So do dats.

Nathan: There's no other way to explain it other than- I hope you were listening, 'cause that's not gonna happen again!

'Skwisgaar: Yeah.

Nathan: All right, ready? [drummer goes again, with a bit more variety] One, two- NOPE! NOPE! YES! Yes, yes-Nope. Okay thank you, you're done. [drummer stops playing] What am I doing wrong here?!

Dick: Between you and me, I don't think they get it. You know, you may need some studio ringers.

Nathan: Session guys?

Dick: Yeah, session guys, hot shots, they just, they'll give you what you want, and all I gotta do is give them a ringy-ding. You say go and I will.

Nathan: Oh, I don't know. What do you think?

Skwisgaar: I uhhh, was not listenings...to what....you two saids...

Nathan: All right, let's do it.

Skwisgaar: Yeah.

Dick: Let's send these jerks home.

Skwisgaar: [to entire audition line] GO HOMES DING DONGS!

Church of the Black Klok (4.12)

Ishnifus Meaddle: What you must understand is that the Metalocalypse has been moving forward. These events have been foreseen—the death of a religious figure by the hand of the godless half-man set the clock to lurch forward. That five souls would come to shepherd us through the darkest times known.

Murderface: Is that old guy supposed to be Santa Claus or some shit? Are we getting presents? What is happening here?!

Ishnifus: We are trying to tell you that you're the ones for which we have been waiting thousands and thousands of years. You are the chosen ones.

Murderface: You mean we're the Jews?