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- Written and directed by Woody Allen.
The new comedy from Woody Allen taglines
- See, as the mainspring goes back and forth, the bishop keeps fucking her in the ass. It's a genuine antique and it keeps perfect time.
- And so there I am on the first day, on the set, and there's this guy fucking me from behind, right, and there's these two huge guys dressed like cops in my mouth at the same time and I remember thinking to myself, "I like acting. I wanna study."
- I feel like I owe you a great fuck.
- There's a reason the horse is sixty to one though, y'know, he's probably got polio.
- I'm sure you're a state-of-the-art fellatrix.
- This guy's gonna put me in 27 separate Mason jars!
- Adopt, what. I don't want to adopt. Not with my genes. I have award winning genes.
- Chorus: [referring to Oedipus] Look, here's a man who killed his father and slept with his mother.
- Jocasta: I hate to tell you what they call my son in Harlem.
- Chorus Leader: Don't go any further. I know what you're thinking, Lenny, and forget it!
- Lenny: I can't forget it; the thought's been put in my head.
- Chorus: Oh, cursed fate; certain thoughts are better left unthunk.
- Linda: My father's brother was supposed to be a genius. I never met him, but everybody said he was brilliant.
- Lenny: Really? What did he do?
- Linda: He was a serial rapist. He spent his whole life in jail, but if he had gone straight, he might have been very good in math.
- Cassandra: Now I see big trouble!
- Lenny: Oh for God's sakes, you're such a Cassandra!
- Cassandra: I'm not 'such a Cassandra'; I am Cassandra!
- Lenny: Who's Rickey?
- Linda: He's, he's... he takes a percentage of my work.
- Lenny: He's a pimp right?
- Linda: No, he's like a business representative.
- Lenny: Wha? ...what do you need a business representative...? All you need is a mattress and a couple of garter belts...you're not a conglomerate!
- Lenny: You didn't see Schindler's List?
- Kevin: No, no... that was the one with the Jews and the, um... who were the bad guys?
- Lenny: The Nazis. The blond guys were the Nazis.
- Kevin: They were tough motherfuckers.
- Linda: But seriously, you wanna know why I liked you right from the start?
- Lenny: Why?
- Linda: 'Cause I'm always attracted to losers.
- Lenny: Losers. You think I'm a loser?
- Linda: Yeah, you've got no confidence, it's sweet, I like that in a man. I can't stand those johns who come in and throw down a couple of hundred and whip out a big dick and wave it all over the joint.
- Lenny: I wouldn't do that, even if I wanted to...
- Linda: You're married, aren't you?
- Lenny: How can you tell that?
- Linda: 'Cause you got that look.
- Lenny: "That look?" What... what look is that?
- Linda: That look like it's been a long time since you had a great blowjob.
- Chorus: Oh my God! It's more serious than we thought!
- Chorus Leader: It's very serious! Her marriage to Lenny is in crisis!
- Chorus: With the passage of time, even the strongest bonds become fragile!
- Chorus Leader: Great, fellas, it sounds like a fortune cookie!
- Chorus: Oh, Zeus! Most potent of gods! We implore thee! We need your help! Zeus! Great Zeus! Hear us! Hear us! We call out to thee!
- Zeus: Um, this is Zeus. I'm not home right now, but you can leave a message and I'll get back to you. Please start speaking at the tone. [beep]
- Chorus: Call us when you get in. We need help!
- Lenny: I told you from day one the girl was not a virgin!
- Kevin: You didn't tell me how many times though!
- Woody Allen - Lennie Weinrib
- Mira Sorvino - Linda Ash
- Helena Bonham Carter - Amanda Weinrib
- F. Murray Abraham - Greek Chorus leader
- Michael Rapaport - Kevin
- Olympia Dukakis - Jocasta
- David Ogden Stiers - Laius
- Jack Warden - Tiresias
- Danielle Ferland - Cassandra
- Peter Weller - Jerry Bender
- Claire Bloom - Mrs. Sloan
- The new comedy from Woody Allen.