About The Mike Malloy Show
- "It's not the position of this program, or me, or [wife/program producer] Kathy [Bay], or anybody associated with this program to try to educate anybody about anything. You take from this program what you want; if you think I'm a wacko left-wing communist nutcase - fine! Run with it...jerk! If you think it's a fun program, go with that. If you get something - a link - go with that.
I'm not here to educate you. I'm not that arrogant. I'm not that patronizing. I'm not that condescending. I assume that you do your own work and your own research and you take care of your own political education.
I've said it before: the function of this program is for some of us who are still sane, can get together in the evening and talk about the insanity. There's no solutions here. You want solutions, listen to Thom Hartmann. You want rational reasonable thought, listen to Peter Werbe."  (Last five minutes of MP3)
On Donald Rumsfeld
- You know, I talk about doing acid 30 years ago. Rumsfeld must do it daily. Right before he goes out for a press conference: "Oh, hi... I notice the doorknobs are all crawling around the ceiling. Hello! Oh, there's CNN. Oh gee! Look at the big eye on that camera! Oh, God, get it away from me! And the teeth!" ... You think I'm kidding about this guy does acid? And he does the bad stuff. The brown acid. ... Where did this guy come from? What pit of Hell coughed this thug up?! ... Rummy comes out, all acid-headed up, just stoned on his ass - just completely freaked out. "Well, people are waving things at me, coming down the hall... And I don't know, there's stuff JUMPING OUT OF DOORS! ... GIMME SOME NUCLEAR WEAPONS!" 
On Foreign Policy
- We are a violent society. Our foreign policy is based on violence. Barack Obama is out there, being this charming, incredibly warm human being, and you know as well as I do, that he represents a nation whose primary directive is kill. Kill, loot, pillage, take. You don't believe that? Then let me ask you something. Does Cuba have a military presence in 140 countries? No. Does Russia? No. Does China? No. Does-- go ahead, pick one! Go ahead! There's one country on earth that has a military presence in 140 countries. And it's us. And why do we have it there? Why do we have them there? This is a violent society!
- This Democratic whore, Bill Clinton - all of a sudden, I can't stand him anymore. To me, he is as corrupt and degenerate as the Bushes. He has become almost like an associate of the Bush Crime Family. ... I've had enough of this son of a bitch. I've had enough of him, and his crazy-ass wife. I've had enough, OK? The Clintons can go straight to Hell, along with the Bushes. I've had enough of Bill Clinton; I've had it with this guy. ... I'll say it again: Why isn't Clinton grabbing them by their neckties and shaking them until both these old bastards’ teeth rattle out of their mouths, about why they have destroyed the United States? But that's not Clinton.  (on Clinton working with George Bush Sr. and George W Bush following Hurricane Katrina.)
- What about the people that couldn't get out?! Someday it's gonna happen to you, Chertoff! ... You won't have a car, and you won't have a government airplane, and you won't have a cell phone, and you won't have a weapon! ... Blaming the victim... You filthy pig! You filthy, good-for-nothing Bush Crime Family member! ... Oh, these people just make me furious!  (reacting to Michael Chertoff talking about people that couldn't leave New Orleans before Hurricane Katrina.)
On John Ashcroft
- Bush gets appointed to the presidency, and he gives Ashcroft the job of Attorney General? A religiously insane, jack-booted thug? ... The people who knew him best: The people in the state where he had been Attorney General, where he had been Governor, where he had been Senator, they knew him best. They said "No, it's time to get rid of this moron. Because he's REALLY gone over the edge!" So they voted for Mel Carnahan, who happened to be killed in a plane crash before the election - and the voters knew that! Did that make them say "Uh, I guess we can't vote for a dead man..." NO! They voted for the dead man! The voters in Missouri are saying "we'd rather have a dead man as our representative in the United States Senate, than him!" And Kathy, don't you dare play any of his records! I don't want to hear "Soar like an eagle, I'll soar like..." - don't do it! I'll walk off the program today if you play that. 
On John Kerry
- The guy's a war hero. He's not a coward like George Bush. He didn't duck into a Champagne unit in the Texas Air National Guard and disappear like George Bush. 
- Republicans are vile. All Republicans are liars, cheats, sneaks; they are deceivers. They are immoral, and they have no ethical structure whatsoever. I don't care if they're members of Congress or your momma. If they are Republicans, they are thugs. They support mass murder. They support the destruction of this country. 
On Rush Limbaugh
- Do a Google on 'penis envy' and then listen to Rush Limbaugh. ... You will hear penis envy where it concerns Clinton. 
- I don't think Limbaugh has ever had children. If he did, he probably cooked them and ate them for dinner one night... Thinking it was a big chunk of lamb, or something.  (Responding to listener talking about the reluctancy among right-wingers to send their kids into war, while discussing Limbaugh)
On Wolf Blitzer
- Wolf was in Israel, because that's where Wolf belongs, with Ariel Sharon about to croak. ... Wolf is an old friend of Ariel's. Wolf - remember - was the Washington Bureau Chief of the Jerusalem Post, before he signed on with CNN to work 80 hours a day. Ummm... I'm so sick of his face, I could just scream. You know, people e-mail me and say "What do you mean, he's a former German U-Boat commander?" Look - if you don't get it, you don't get it. But every movie made in the 40's about the German U-Boats had a guy who looked just like Wolf Blitzer. And his name is, um... German.  (Beginning of the show)
On the Bush family and their associates
- You sons of bitches. I just hate you. I hate you to the depths of my soul. I will hate you when I'm dead. I will hate you a million years after I'm dead. I will still hate you. My hate will be a star in the firmament that will shine down on your Republican asses forever. That's how deep this hatred is, because of what you're doing to this country. Ooh, did I say all that? 
- In the run-up to World War II, they helped Hitler build the death camps to take the Jews and kill them. Take the gays and kill them. Take the socialists and kill them. Take the Polish partisans and kill them. Take the gypsies and kill them. The Bush Family is eye-ball deep in blood, blood, blood.  (presumably a reference to the financial support given to Hitler by Prescott Bush, George W. Bush's grandfather)
On the impeachment of Bill Clinton
- They were fascinated with Clinton's penis, and they never got a chance to see it, which is all they wanted. They wanted Clinton to have to disrobe in a court of law during the deposition that he had to give for the Paula Jones case. They didn't get a chance to see his penis. All Republican men are hooked on Viagra. ... Levitra, Cialis. These are what Republican men need in order to get an erection. And it's because they never got a chance to see Clinton's penis. Now they have transferred that to Hillary [Clinton]'s vagina. They are desperate to see Hillary's vagina. They must...they are fascinated with Hillary as a bitch goddess of some sort, and they want to worship at the vagina. They are sick, sick people... What would happen if Hillary died tomorrow? They would construct a Hillary Clinton vagina at which they would worship. Now, they hate the vagina as well as worshiping at it... They are sick. I've never seen a group of people more sick, in this country, than Republican men. They are sick beyond belief. But they are hung up on genitalia. First it was Clinton's penis, now it's Hillary's vagina. This is where they will always remain. 
On the conflict in Gaza
- How do you stand this? I don't care who you are; man, woman, gay, straight, black, white, Jew, gentile, it doesn't make any difference - how do you stand this? I can't. I can not...I can't handle this- You wanna know how I deal with this? When I finish these topics, or these letters, or these diaries, or these reports, and the show's over, I have to blank my mind - literally. Can you do that? I can, I have learned how to do that. I blank it out. I don't know where Israel is, I don't know what Palestinian means, I don't know what burned and mutilated children have to do with anything - it means nothing, it goes away. I must draw a dark black curtain in my consciousness. I can not deal with this, how do you? I have children, I've had children, I have grand-children, I have a four-and-a-half year-old... This is not right! This is not right... [Mike cuts feed to music early] 
- Mike: Harry is calling from New York. Oh my God, are you a flying monkey, Harry?
- Harry: Hey Mike, nice way to stall the clock. Listen...
- Mike: What? "Stall the clock", what do you mean?
- Harry: Well, you got complaints with everybody. You don't like the Republicans, you don't like the Democrats... I think you just don't like this country, just like you don't like God. [Mike laughs] And what are you gonna do on Christmas? Reading out the Bible, you atheist?
- Mike: I read out of all kinds of religious texts. Don't you?
- Harry: I don't think an atheist should be touching that Bible.
- Mike: What will happen if I do? Will it make you burn up?
- Harry: No, you can do it. Let me tell you something: I've never been so proud of my President, as I am right now.
- Mike: Yeah, why?
- Harry: [silence] I don't know... I just know that he's a great American.
- Mike: Yeah, how? [more silence - Harry hangs up, Mike laughs] Way to go, Harry! Yeah, we didn't hang up on Harry. Harry started to wet himself, and had to hang up real quick...