Mongrels (TV series)

Mongrels, formerly known under the working titles of We Are Mongrels and The Un-Natural World, is a British puppet-based situation comedy series first broadcast on BBC Three between 22 June and 10 August 2010, with a making-of documentary entitled "Mongrels Uncovered" broadcast on 11 August 2010. A second series of Mongrels began airing on 7 November 2011, but was cut short by the series final cancellation on 18 January 2012, by order of Zai Bennett.

"Songs" [2.0]

"Pilot" [2.1]

"Where My Balls At (He Wants His Balls Back)" [2.1.1]

• Marion: Hey.. Yeah!

• Reach down to touch you, can't believe there's nothing there,
• Wanna run my fingers through your short and curly hair,
• It's just those little things, those moments I can't face,
• Bending down to lick you, just to find a bald pink space.
• Those times we spent together, man they was intense,
• Remember when I tried to jump over that barbed wire fence?
• What about my sex life? What will I tell my bitches?
• That Chico cut my knackers off and left me fifteen stiches...
• I'm in pain, gone insane since they cut you babies up...
• Kali: Or maybe it's just the anestetic wearing off...

• Backing Singers: He want's his balls back...
• Marion: That's what I'm saying.
• Backing Singers: He want's his balls back...
• Marion: Back here and swaying.
• Backing Singers: He want's his balls back...
• Marion: I really need them.
• Backing Singers: Back in his sac...
• Marion: Has anybody seen them?

• Used to be, just us three, now I've lost my desire,
• Now you're gone, I'm alone, but I can sing to octaves... higher...

• Backing Singers: He want's his balls back...
• Marion: Do you get me?
• Backing Singers: He want's his balls back...
• Marion: Why'd you vet me...?
• Backing Singers: He want's his balls back...
• Marion: Just wanna scrath you.
• Backing Singers: Back in his sac...
• Marion: I wish they'd re-attach you...

• Oh... yeah...

"Series 1" [2.2]

"F**k Chickens" [2.2.1]

• Vince: Hold on, I smell chicken. And you know what I think about chickens don't you?

• (Sings) They're not from this country, they spread their disease.

• They look the same and all wiggle their heads when they speak.

• They lay loads of eggs to get free accommodation..

• F**k all the chickens, they're the scourge of the nation.

• F**k chickens. F**k them back where they belong.

• F**k chickens. F**k them all the way to Hong Kong.

• Oh, you get loads and loads all living under one roof.

• They're no good at flying, people know the truth.

• Channel 4 make documentaries with them all the time.

• But no one cares about the plight of the vulpine.

• F**k (Obscured by the sound of a chicken squawking)chickens. F**k (Obscured by the sound of a chicken squawking)them back where they belong.

• F**k (Obscured by the sound of a chicken squawking)chickens. F**k (Obscured by the sound of a chicken squawking)them all the way to Hong Kong.

• (Spoken) All together now.

• Vince, Foxes, and Badger (Sing): F**k (Obscured by the sound of a boat's horn) chickens. F**k (Obscured by the sound of a boat's horn) them back where they belong.

• F**k (Obscured by the sound of a boat's horn) chickens. F**k (Obscured by the sound of a boat's horn) them all the way to Hong Kong.

• F**k (Obscured by the sound of Nelson using an air horn) chickens. F**k (Obscured by the sound of Nelson using an air horn) them back where they belong.

• F**k (Obscured by the sound of Nelson using an air horn) chickens.

• Vince (Spoken): To actually f**k a chicken would be wrong.

"What Kind of God?" [2.2.2]

• Dean (Spoken): God loves us all Kali. Even pigeons.

• Kali (Spoken): God don't exist. And I happen to that for a fact. Follow me.

(They fly up to the clouds.)

• Kali (Spoken): Tell me Dean. (Sings) What kind of God?

• Backing Singers: What kind of God?

• Kali: What kind of God?

• Backing Singers: What kind of God?

• Kali: What God allows a child of thirteen to sleep on the streets.

• Backing Singers: Out on the street.

• Kali: So that when I use a cash machine he's right there by my feet.

• Backing Singers: Right by her feet.

• Kali: It's so awkward when I have to pretend I'm skint and that.

• Backing Singers: What kind of God?

• Kali: What kind of God?

• Backing Singers: What kind of God?

• Kali: What kind of God allows that hard see-through plastic packaging on, for instance, printer cartridges and children's toys?

• Backing Singers: Amen.

• Kali: That means you have to get out the scissors but when you cut it, you end up cutting yourself on the sharp edges.

• Backing Singers: Hallelujah.

• Kali: What kind of God?

(God (played by Christopher Biggins) appears.)

• God: This kind of God.

• Kali: Oh God, it's God.

• Backing Singers: That kind of God.

• Kali: Okay man, what's with all the call centres?

• God: They provide a service.

• Kali: Even those ones based abroad?

• God: It's true, the Indian ones are abhorred.

• Kali (Spoken): I'm not being racist but it makes no sense having a rail enquiry line that isn't based locally.

• Backing Singers: What kind of God?

• Kali: What kind of God?

• Backing Singers: What kind of God?

• Kali: Junk mail in newspapers.

• God: Come on be fair.

• Kali: Motorcyclists outweaving traffic.

• God: Yes you've got a point there.

• Kali: People who bring toddlers to weddings.

• God: I shall smite them.

• Kali: Wasps.

• God: Oh why did I cre-ate them?

• Kali: People who read over your shoulder.

• God: Ex-smokers' advice.

• Kali: Overly chirpy Australian bar staff.

• Kali and God: And Katie Price.

• Backing Singers: What kind of God?

• Kali: It is not my kind of God...yeah!

"What a Difference a day makes" [2.2.3]

• Marion: The law says today that I can't be with you.
• Lollipop: But tomorrow we can do whatever we want to do.
• Marion: I can love you.
• Lollipop: Oh yes.
• Marion: And you can love me...
• Both: Thanks to 'the Sexual Offences Act' (2003)...
• Lollipop: One day you're a paedo...
• Marion: And you're my jailbait...
• Lollipop: Next day you're my sweetheart...
• Marion: And its suddenly legal to mate...
• Both: Oh what a difference a day makes!...
• Both: Just can't wait 'til the dawn breaks...
• Marion: Right now you can't handle the love of a man...
• Lollipop: But from tomorrow you can give it me as hard as you can...
• Both: What a difference a day makes.
• Marion: One day I'm a pervert.
• Lollipop: And I've still got my virginity.
• Both: But in less than 15 hours, it's a legal technicality...
• Lollipop (Spoken): Actually, I'm not a virgin...
• Both: What a difference a day makes...
• Both: Then we can legally fornicate.
• Both: I'd never dream of breaking the law today...
• Both: But tomorrow it's my right to do you every which way!!
• Both: What a difference a day makes...
• Lollipop (Spoken): Let's elope together. I could be your fiancé.
• Marion (Spoken): Ehh, maybe not....
• Both: What a difference a day makes...

"Everybody loves a Lesbian" [2.2.4]

• Cassandra (Lesbian crow) If your uncomfortable with coming out, then listen to what I says-bian,
• Whatever anyone thinks of gays, everyone loves a lesbian!

• Everybody loves a lesbian, honey,
• Norton’s passé, Ellen’s funny,
• Let those Baptists think what they like,
• There’s nothing, no nothing, quite like a dyke.

• It’s so wrong when you see boys kissing,
• But girl on girl, see what you’re missing,
• Lindsay Lohan never stopped traffic,
• ‘Til she rode Sam Ronson and came out Sapphic,
• Everyone loves a lesbian, baby,
• You’ll shout “yes!” during sex and not “maybe!”
• Camp is cliché, Lezzies have class,
• You’ll never find us cottaging for George Michael’s ass.

• So what if our haircuts make us all look the same?
• At least we don’t give the Catholic Church a bad name,
• No gay looks great in a girly frock,
• All ladies look lovely in a strap-on cock…
• [“Guitar solo.”]

• Cassandra (Spoken) One more time!
• (Everyone- except Kali.) Everybody loves a lesbian, baby,
• A muff-driving, rough-driving, car-fixing lady,
• Come on out, join us in heaven,
• We’ll soon be eating brunch off Pam St. Clement!
• Woo-hoo!

"My Destiny" [2.2.5]

• Nelson: I'll always remember when I first met my 'Destiny'
• You caught my eye then you stole all the rest of me...
• Destiny (spoken): You are such a geek!

(Destiny is pulled away by Gary)

• Nelson (spoken): It's this week's song!

(Music stops)

"Breaking up is such a faff" [2.2.6]

• I can't bring myself to leave her
• Breaking up would be unpleasant
• 'Cause it's almost her birthday
• And some people might say
• I only did it to avoid buying a present
• I don't want her friends to hate us
• And I've only just changed my Facebook status

• Screw it...let's just stay together!

• Breaking up is such a faff
• I can't stand awkward goodbyes
• Breaking up is such a faff
• I'll just sweat it out until she dies

• I can't bring myself to dump her
• Though she really gets on my tits
• 'Cause we've booked a trip to Pisa
• I've put it on my Visa
• If I cancel, I'll lose all my deposit
• It's easier to stay the same
• Than to file a travel insurance claim

• Screw it...let's just stay together!

• Breaking up is such a faff
• I'm too much of an emotional coward
• Breaking up is such a faff
• Besides we've just picked out a power shower

• And answer me this please:
• What about all our DVD's?
• 'Cause baby, I can't stand it if we have to fight,
• Over who owns that copy of The Dark Knight

• Oh, look: 2 copies of "Dodgeball"...bonus!

• Breaking up is such a faff
• I just wish that I was dead
• Breaking up is such a faff
• If I act boring maybe she'll leave instead...

• Muttering:
• Then again, you hear lots of interesting stuff about tax breaks for married people...which obviously is worth taking advantage of.
• And supposedly there's health benefits to being in a long-term relationship. Plus there's a lot to be said for regular, dependable sex...even if it is with someone you find physically repellent.

"Middle class is magical" [2.2.7]

• Nelson: Middle class is magical.

• A safe world free from strife.

• Let bad things happen to other folk.

• While you read Country Life.

• Buy an aga.

• Wear a Monsoon dress.

• Get your food from M&S.

• Own an iPhone.

• Watch Bear Grylls.

• Take anti-depressant pills.

• Middle class is magical.

• Drive a 4x4 to school.

• Keep three sorts of hummus in your fridge.

• Make over your downstairs loo.

• Learn to salsa.

• Ski in Verbier.

• Drink too much Chilean Chardonnay.

• Ignore the homeless.

• Don't mind Burkhas.

• Condescend to migrant workers.

• When all the world is middle class

• There'll be no poverty or starvation.

• Because we'll all grow our own mangetout

• And Myleene Klass will the rule the nation.

• Because...

• ...Middle class is magical.

• Join us and you'll see.

• You're already halfway there

• Because you're not watching ITV.

• Yes, middle class is magical.

• What matters is what we wear.

• Let's pay someone else to do the difficult jobs

• While we work on our hair.

• Middle class is magical yeah!

"Ugly women are beautiful too" [2.2.8]

• Dog: So Destiny...nervous?
• Destiny: A bit nervous of the other models in case they're a bit bitchy, because I'm, like, so sensitive, I'll probably cry.
• Dog: Oh, no, we're very nice.
• Destiny: ..."We?!"
• Dog: Yes, I'll be modelling with you today.
• Destiny: Oh, wow...(!) No, good for you. Seriously. It would be nice to see some plus-size girls out there! And after all...

• [Music starts]
• Destiny: If there's one thing I know, thanks to Gok Wan's TV show
• It's that ugly women are attractive
• They're just as good as me, though lacking genetically
• With a thyroid gland that's clearly overactive

• Backing: Ugly women are beautiful too
• Destiny: They're always sweet and trusting even though they look disgusting
• Backing: Ugly women are beautiful too
• Destiny: Don't mean no disrespect when I say you look like Shrek
• Backing: Ugly women are...
• Destiny: ...Beautiful too

• Destiny: Forget exfoliation that won't hide your deformation, girl
• The only way to shoot you is with a whaling gun!
• But who cares who's the fattest, 'cos it's what's inside that matters
• And whatever the hell that is, girl, you must have bleeding tons!

• Backing: Ugly women are beautiful too
• Destiny: I'm sexy, cute, and savvy, you're why cousins shouldn't marry
• Backing: Ugly women are beautiful too
• Destiny: I look like Cheryl Cole, you're an ad for birth control

• Backing: Ugly women are...
• Destiny: ...Beautiful too
• Backing: Ugly, big, fat women
• Destiny: Just like you!
• [Music ends]

• Destiny: Don't touch me.
• [Dog runs off sobbing]

"Series 2" [2.3]

"Just A Little Tap On The Nose"[2.3.1]

• Destiny: Listen to my pearls of wisdom, girls,

• If you want to get a man and keep him.

• When he doesn’t show compliance,

• Just apply a bit of violence,

• If he’s bad then he gets a beating.

• There’s no point complaining,

• It’s just doggy training.

• He’s got to learn discipline,

• Or I’ll put the boot in!

• If he’s going “Yap, yap, yap!”

• Just give him a little tap.

• Can’t bite back like that,

• And not expect a little tap,

• Just a little tap on the nose.

• Backing Dogs: Just a little tap! Just a little tap!

• Destiny: When I raise my hand,

• It’s because it’s all they understand,

• Men like a bit of tough loving.

• RSPCA don’t care,

• If he falls down the stairs,

• Long as nobody witnessed the shoving.

• It’s not my fault,

• He’s got to be taught.

• And it’s not assault,

• If you don’t get caught!

• If he’s barking like that,

• Just give him a little tap.

• Can’t act like a twat,

• And not expect a little tap,

• Just a little tap on the nose.

• Backing Dogs: Just a little tap! Just a little tap!

• Destiny: There’s every excuse,

• For domestic abuse.

• Just always choose,

• Where you hide the bruise!

• If he’s giving it all that,

• Just give him a little tap.

• Grab you’re baseball bat,

• And he’ll expect a little tap,

• Just a little tap on the nose…

• Backing Dogs: Just a little tap! Just a little tap!

• Just a little tap on the nose!

"Immigration Nation"[2.3.2]

• Nelson: This is the immigration nation,

• We actively encourage mass migration,

• Tear up your application form,

• Let the border crossing swarm,

• And here’s how to dodge the legislation…

• Apply online for a student Visa,

• Or get smuggled in, whichever’s easier,

• Then you find a small bedsit,

• And… benefits, benefits, benefits.

• If you’re fearing prosecution,

• Just claim homeland persecution,

• Everybody’s doing it,

• Take the law and screwing it,

• Come and join the immigration…

• Nation…

• Now it’s time for you to bring,

• Your bedridden family in,

• Get them all a fixed address,

• And...NHS, NHS, NHS

• Soon as you are legal aliens,

• You are better than Australians!

• They do it by the rules,

• What a bunch of tools,

• Come and join the immigration…

• Nation…

[Nelson scats.]

• Nelson: So let’s keep that culture vibrant,

• With hoards of economic migrants,

• Who’ll sweep the streets and cut inflation,

• ‘Cause we won’t do jobs below our station,

• Did your social worker mention,

• You’re entitled to a pension?

• Please exploit the welfare state,

• Now it’s our turn to migrate!

• The BNP makes it political,

• The Daily Mail are hypocritical,

• Watch them, when they get the chance,

• They all retire to the south of France!

• So let’s all claim an occupation,

• Let’s all toy with deportation,

• Ooh, is that a new PlayStation?

• We’re off to a sunny location!

• Come and join the immigration…

• Nation…

• Yeah!

"Die Evil Zombies!"[2.3.3]

• Zombie Dog: Oh, why am I here,

• In this pub garden?

• One sniff of her,

• And I've lost control...

• I'm not the bad guy,

• I am the victim,

• Intoxicated,

• By her pheromones...

• Why does she make me,

• Act like a zombie?!

• I don't even like her,

• And I never have!

• Oh, what a cliché,

• Besieging a building,

• And all for some sex with,

• A pedigree chav!

• Tim, Nobby, Vince and Marion: Die evil zombies!

• Zombie Dog: But I'm not a zombie, I'm quite clearly alive...

• Tim, Nobby, Vince and Marion: Die evil zombies!

• Zombie Dog: I'm just a romantic with a monster sex drive!

• Who just wants your love but wants to survive...!

• Zombie Dog: Now they've killed Derek,

• He was my best friend,

• They used his own arm,

• To beat him to death!

• A father of two,

• And a charity worker,

• He said ger loved you,

• With his dying breath!

• Tim, Nobby, Vince and Marion: Die evil zombies!

• Zombie dog: You say that I'm evil, you're the one hitting me!

• Tim, Nobby, Vince and Marion: Die evil zombies!

• Zombie dog: Take my hand, feel my pulse, and I'm sure you'll agree!

• There's a place in your heart for a camp amputee...!

• Trio of zombie animals: Come on, everybody, let's do the zombie!

• Adopt a vacant look and lift up your paws!

• Zombie dog: Now you're reinforcing the stereotype,

• This dancing idea is fundamentally flawed!

• Tim, Nobby, Vince and Marion: Die evil zombies!

• Zombie dog: In hindsight, our relationship was doomed from the start.

• Tim, Nobby, Vince and Marion: Die evil zombies!

• Zombie dog: I don't want your brains, I just want your heart! But love has quite literally torn me apart!

"Vince is a massive c***"[2.3.4]

• Vince (spoken): I, Vincent Fox, ...am a c**t.

• [Music starts.]

• Vince: From Millwall to the Albert Dock, there's one thing plain to see,

• In this entire borough there's no bastard bad as me.

• I guess it ain't a huge surprise that I have got no friends,

• Nelson: Well it was you that had your stag do ethnically cleansed.

• Vince: When I was a little cub my grandma said to me...

• Vince's grandmother (in a flashback): Please, son, put the gun down, you can have all my money!

• Vince: Silly cow, she kept her savings underneath the bed,

• So I nicked her f**king pension book and shot her in the head!

• Cat: He robbed me!

• Beagle Dog: Knifed me!

• Bulldog: Shot me!

• Chihuahua: He poured acid down my front!

• Rottweiler: He managed to castrate me even though the knife was blunt!

• Chimpanzee: He took me to Oxford and abused me in a punt!

• All: I think that we all agree he is a massive-

• Nelson [interrupting]: Um diddle, um diddle um diddle ai! Um diddle, um diddle um diddle um...

• Um diddle, um diddle um diddle ai! Um diddle, um diddle um diddle um!

• Vince: You've got to give me credit, though, for keeping our streets clean,

• I'm on the Atkins Diet so I'm eating tramps and queens!

• Nelson: Why don't you join the BNP? I think you'd fit in fine.

• Vince: You must be f**king joking- I know where to draw the line!

• Cat: He robbed me!

• Beagle Dog: Knifed me!

• Bulldog: Shot me!

• Chihuahua: He poured acid down my front!

• Rottweiler: He managed to castrate me even though the knife was blunt!

• Chimpanzee: He took me to Oxford and abused me in a punt!

• All: I think that we all agree he is a massive-

• Nelson [interrupting]: Um diddle, um diddle um diddle ai! Um diddle, um diddle um diddle um...

• Vince [to Penny]: Remember when we first met on that night out in the park...

• Penny: You were so romantic, I just felt an instant spark...

• Vince: If I'm being honest, that spark was a taser gun,

• I knocked you unconscious and then I had my bit of fun!

• Cat: He robbed me!

• Beagle Dog: Knifed me!

• Bulldog: Shot me!

• Chihuahua: He poured acid down my front!

• Rottweiler: He managed to castrate me even though the knife was blunt!

• Chimpanzee: He took me to Oxford and abused me in a punt!

• All: I think that we all agree he is a massive -

• Woooaaaaaaaah...............!

• All: He robbed me! Knifed me! Shot me! He poured acid down my front!

• He managed to castrate me even though the knife was blunt!

• Nelson: He anally invaded me as a publicity stunt!

• All: I think that we all agree he….is….a….mass....ive

• C***********....**********T!!

• Vince: I'm a c**t

"I'm Gonna Murder Justin Bieber"[2.3.5]

• Robert (speaking) : Okay, I’ve got a little musical number that might just fit the bill.

• [Music starts.]

• Robert: What was wrong with the good old days?

• Why does everything have to change?

• I much preferred the way things were before…

• When Britain really had got talent,

• And Justin frigging Bieber hadn’t,

• Brought his insipid music to our shore…

• Could you even name one of his songs?

• The self-important little diva…

• Gonna take a pick-axe to his pretty face,

• I’m gonna murder Justin Bieber…

• It’s easy to sing in perfect time,

• When all you ever do is mime,

• Thanks for destroying music, Simon Cowell…

• Every pop star looks like each other,

• Is that Zack Efron or a Jonas Brother?

• Either way they should be disembowelled…

• I’m gonna kidnap all the kids from Glee,

• And shatter all their femurs,

• But before he releases one more song,

• I’m gonna murder Justin Bieber…

• So I’m sticking with my record stylus,

• ‘Cos you can’t buy vinyl Miley Cyrus,

• That bitch deserves a flesh eating virus…

• Yeah…!

• I’m gonna butcher Joe McElderry,

• With a blunt meat cleaver…

• And they’ll auto-tune his final scream,

• When I murder Justin Bieber…

• I’m gonna murder Justin Bieber…

"Smoking Makes You Look 'Cool'"[2.3.6]

• Marion (spoken): Ah, my boy- so much you have to learn.

• [Music starts.]

• Marion (singing): Uh-huh, uh-huh, yes...

• Since I wasn't around when you were a kitten,

• Here's a father's advice, make sure you listen.

• You have to go to university,

• Take media studies, it's a useful degree,

• Sniff loads of glue, the feeling's incredible,

• And never wear condoms, they make sex terrible,

• Backing Singers: Forget what they tell you at school,

• Marion: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, yes...

• Backing Singers: Smoking makes you look cool.

• Marion: Uh-huh, uh-huh, light up...

• Marion: Keep your pin number simple, like 1-2-3-4,

• I have mine tattooed on my paw,

• If a Nigerian Prince ever e-mails,

• Send him your bank account details,

• Instead of a job, play internet poker,

• But never forget, you gots to be smoker.

• Backing Singers: Forget what they tell you at school,

• Marion: Uh-huh, uh-huh, light up...

• Backing Singers: Smoking makes you look cool.

• Marion: Uh-huh, uh-huh, light up...

• Always accept lifts from strangers,

• Hitchhiking’s free with very few dangers!

• (Marion): Send stuff to newspapers while you’re hammered,

• They published my cartoon of Prophet Muhammad.

• (Backing Singers): Forget what they tell you at school…

• (Marion): Join new religion when you are pissed…

• (Backing Singers): Smoking makes you look cool.

• (Marion): This is why I am Scientologist.

• (Backing Singers): Forget what they tell you at school…

• (Marion): Sell a kidney if you are broke…

• (Backing Singers): Forget what they tell you at school…

• (Marion): But never sell a lung, boy, 'cause you got to smoke.

"Estate Agent's Song"[2.3.7]

• Nelson: Estate agents say millwall is the jewel of the east end,

• Canary Wharf’s up-and-coming neighbour.

• The house price indices have all gone up and bucked the trend,

• And the amenities are improving every day.

• Besides, no-one’s been stabbed here since Friday,

• There’s not been a murder all day!

• No-one’s been stabbed here since Friday,

• We’ve not been on Crimewatch since May!

• Mary (Red squirrel): Yay!

• Nelson: There’s a charming artist’s quarter just behind those burnt-out cars,

• A Banksy everywhere you lay your eyes…

• Mary: Is that a dead tramp lying there?

• Nelson: Of course not, this is art,

• Should be nominated for the Turner Prize...

• No-one’s been stabbed here since Friday,

• No-one’s been strangled or maimed!

• No-one’s been stabbed here since Friday,

• And you’ll just love our needle exchange!

• Mary: Key change!

• Nelson: You probably won’t get shot; drive-by shootings are rare…

• Mary: But isn’t that a drive-by shooting over there?

• Nelson: Did I mention we’re often on The Secret Millionaire…?

• Yeah…!

• No-one’s been stabbed here since Friday,

• Arson is on the decline!

• No-one’s been stabbed here since Friday,

• And gang-related deaths are so rare…

• It’s a crime.

• It’s a crime…

• Mary: Where do I sign?

"Shit house party"[2.3.8]

• Nelson: Tonight’s the night I’m going to let my hair down.
• Backing singers: Oh!
• Marion: - Tonight’s the night I’m going to get my groove on.
• Backing singers: Yeah!
• Nelson: Tonight’s the night I’ll spray my French cologne on.
• Backing singers: Ah!
• Kali: But know we really need to get a move on…

• Everybody: We’re going to a shit house party...
• Kali: We’ll pretend that it’s great when we’re in it,
• But really we’ll hate every minute
• Everybody: We’re going to a shit house party...
• Nelson: We might be glad we came along,
• After four white lightnings and a Jager bomb.
• Yeah!

• Kali: A queue for seven hours for the toilet,
• ‘Cause someone’s having unprotected… sex in the bath!
• Marion: The girls will find out if they got their boobs out,
• When they’re tagged in the Facebook… photograph!

• Everybody: We’re going to a shit house party...
• Kali: We’d obviously rather not go,
• But we said that we’d be there so…
• Everybody: We’re going to a shit house party...
• Marion: I’ll grope your baby sister,
• In a game of naked Twister!

• Everybody: We’re going to a shit house party-
• Yeah!

"Episode Dialogue" [3.0]

"Series 1" [3.2]

"Episode 1"

Destiny: Most people have to fly a plane into a building before they're surrounded by this many virgins.

---

Kali: I want to join your evil scheme.

Marion: Sure, just make a cheque out to Tom Cruise, we'll send you a fact pack.

Kali: What?

Marion: Sorry, which evil scheme do you mean?

---

Nelson: I'm not a square. I break the rules!

Kali: Huh. The rules of Boggle.

Nelson: Still takes guts!

---

Trainer: Play dead.

Dogs: [in unison] Hello. I'm Richard Whiteley. [They all collapse]

"Episode 2"

Nelson: Messing around with Catnip. You've let me down, you've let your friends down... but you know who you've let down most of all?

Marion: Myself?

Nelson: The Variety Club of Great Britain. [Cut to a scene where some excrement is seen on a minibus, with children behind a man shaking his head]

Marion: I made a crap in a sunshine coach?

Nelson: Oh yes, you very much did. There was no trip to Thorpe Park for those kiddies.

---

Nelson: You ate your own babies?

Vince: Well, you know how it is, Nelson - it's late, you can't be arsed to go to the all-night garage, you ain't got nothing in the fridge...

Nelson: Vince, you've got Muller Rice!

Vince: Well, yeah, but no spoons.

Nelson: Wait a minute. You ate six perfectly healthy children - your own children - just because you couldn't find a spoon!

Vince: In my defence, they are both rhubarb.

"Episode 3"

Marion: We have to break up!

Lollipop: You said I was special!

Marion: I know.

Lollipop: You said you loved me!

Marion: I do love you!

Lollipop: You touched me!

Marion: Yeah, and we can never tell anyone about that. I'm not even joking.

Lollipop: Don't you want to lick your Lollipop?

---

Nelson: They're not loveable Christopher Biggins showbiz gays after all - they're evil gays!

Marion: Oh no, the very worst kind of gay!

"Episode 4"

Animal of courage Dog: Target, an urban fox, reddish hair, about 2ft4, answers to Nelson, also the divine Ms Vulpine. Animals of courage do we know our battle plan? Bernie?

Bernie (cat): I'll get us in the gates.

Animal of courage Dog: Bobby?

Bobby (rabbit): I'll... Take... Out... The... Alarms!

Animal of courage Dog: Vince?

Vince: I'll get the guard, right, and I'll f**k him up, right like proper beat the f**k out of him. Then right, I'll get my c**k and ram it right down his throat. See how he likes being f**ked like a Spanish choir boy. [Humps demonstratively while all watch]

Animal of courage Dog: Okay Slight embellishment there Vince, but I'll- I'll let it slide.

"Episode 7"

Kali: You're an ironic folk hero, like that retarded kid who made that stupid Star Wars video.
Nelson: Ooh ooh, you mean.... Hayden Christensen?

"Episode 8"

Destiny: So I got a new job. Glamour model.

Kali: Don't tell me. Bloke in the park. Says he can make you famous.

Destiny: Maybe.

Kali: And as he spoke to you, just how furiously was he masturbating?

Destiny: Kali, if I can get this gig, it could lead to all sorts of other stuff.

Kali: Hmm, dog porn!!

Destiny: Acting...

Kali: Dog porn.

Destiny: Charity work...

Kali: Dog porn.

---

Nelson: Marion, for God's sake you're going to die!

Marion: Ah, but then I will wake up in a magical fantasy land, filled with virgins!

Nelson: You mean Games Workshop?

"Series 2" [3.3]

"Episode 4"

Nelson: hm? What do you think?

[Vince stares in open mouthed amazement at the interior design job Nelson has carried out on their section of the island]

Nelson: Ooh! And I had some spare materials left over so I made you... A hat!

[Nelson holds up a mirror for Vince to look in, and Vince looks into it]

Vince: F*ck me that is jaunty! That is jaunty! That is very f*ckin' jaunty! Ha-ha, now make me a waistcoat.

[Nelson sighs]