Monk (season 4)

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Monk (2002–2009) is a television comedy drama created by Andy Breckman about Adrian Monk, a former detective, and now consultant, for the San Francisco Police Department who suffers from a number of psychological disorders, including obsessive-compulsive disorder and several phobias.

Mr. Monk and the Other Detective[edit]

[Monk can't concentrate due to a fresh dog mess]
Natalie: Mr. Monk, are you okay? Everybody's waiting.
Monk: It's over there.
Natalie: What?
Monk: Dog... you know. Dog... doo.
Natalie: Did you step in it?
Monk: [looks at Natalie like she's crazy] If I stepped in it, I'd be in that ambulance right now, on my way to the emergency room, wouldn't I?! Praying for the sweet release that only death can bring!

Marty Eels: So Captain, am I on the case, or what?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Listen, I need to ask you a couple of questions.
Marty Eels: Sure.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Where were you yesterday morning at eight o'clock?
Marty Eels: You mean when the robbery was happening? Why? Because you can't keep up with me on a crime scene?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Where were you, Marty?
Marty Eels: [pouring them coffee] I was at the hospital. Saint Andrew's. They thought I had a concussion.
Lt. Disher: What happened?
Marty Eels: Well, it's kind of embarrassing. I got hit very hard by a client--hit me very hard. Yeah. I--I was supposed to follow his wife and take pictures. [hands them a file with photos of a terrified man and woman in bed]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Whoa! She was cheating on him.
Marty Eels: No, no. That's him. That's my client.
Natalie: [incredulously] You burst in and took a picture of a man in bed with his own wife?
Marty Eels: Yes I did. I made a mistake. I'm human! So the bottom line is that I was at the hospital when the jewelry thing was happening. You can call them.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: We will.
Marty Eels: Why is it so hard for you to believe that I'm this good?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Because, Marty, you were never this good before. In fact you sort of sucked.

[After Monk sees Marty's certificate]
Monk: Bay Area Center continuing education; is that a correspondence school?
Marty Eels: It's fully accredited...What school did you go to?
Monk: Berkeley.
Marty Eels: That's a good school....I believe they're fully accredited too.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: [about Marty] Monk, sometimes when you're picking up clues, it seems like magic to me. Maybe he's doing something that--that you don't understand.
Monk: I think he's cheating! He's a cheater.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: This isn't the fourth grade, Monk.
Monk: He's cheating!
Capt. Stottlemeyer: How?
Monk: I don't know.

[Marty has found Harold Gumbal's body by using a tree branch and a dowsing rod]
Marty Eels: He was trying to tell us the name of the man who killed him. Look. [points using his tree branch] He's pointing to his watch.
Monk: No. He's not, Captain.
Marty Eels: Are there any perps who'd do a job like this by the name of--Casio?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Casio?
Marty Eels: Lefty? [thinks] Dial?
Lt. Disher: Eddie Dial? He just did seven years in Fulsom Prison for kidnapping and bank robbery; he just made parole.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well, let's check him out.

Mr. Monk Goes Home Again[edit]

Mary Gilstrap: I have to have a Neptune bar every night or else I can't sleep. Funny, isn't it? I guess we all have our little quirks.
Monk: [nonchanantly] Yes, I suppose we do...

[Stottlemeyer and Disher talk to a cashier who saw the shooting]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [holding the police sketch of the suspect] You've never seen this guy before? In the store, hanging around the parking lot?
Young Cashier: I don't think so, but I see a lot of faces.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Sure.
Lt. Disher: It looks like Kiefer Sutherland.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [pausing] Yeah, I guess it does. [Disher scoots his chair over]
Lt. Disher: It wasn't Kiefer Sutherland, was it?
Young Cashier: No, sir.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [producing the killer's receipt] Here's a receipt. This is from your cash register. This is him, right?
Young Cashier: Mm-hmm.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Eight items at 89 cents.
Young Cashier: Yes, sir. Eight candy bars.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Eight candy bars?
Lt. Disher: It really looks like Kiefer Sutherland. You know, maybe we should - before we distribute it - write across the bottom "Not Kiefer Sutherland," just so that we don't disturb Mr. Sutherland.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [sarcastically] That's a really good idea.
Lt. Disher: You think so?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: No.

[At Ambrose's house]
Natalie: [looking at an old photo album, specifically, a photo of Jack, Sr. with a turtle] Is that your father?
Ambrose Monk: Oh, that's him and Ambrose.
Natalie: He named the turtle after you?
Ambrose Monk: He named me after the turtle.

Mr. Monk Stays in Bed[edit]

[Natalie's cell phone rings while she is talking to Julio Alvarez's boss]
Monk: Natalie, it's me, Adrian Monk.
Natalie: Yes, Mr. Monk, we were just talking about you.
Monk: Natalie, you have to come back here.
Natalie: I can't right now, Mr. Monk, I'm at the pizzeria talking to the manager.
Monk: It's Ebola.
Natalie: Excuse me?
Monk: I think I have the Ebola virus.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, you do not have the Ebola virus.
Monk: I'm pretty sure I do, I have all the symptoms, I have the headache, the fever, the massive internal bleeding.
Natalie: You have massive internal bleeding?
Monk: Yes, I believe I do, that is my opinion.

[Monk is in bed and Natalie brings him some soup.]
Monk: I see letters!
Natalie: It's alphabet soup.

[While Monk's in bed Stottlemeyer visits him.]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [pointing to machine] What's this?
Monk: Humidifier.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [Pointing to other machine] And this?
Monk: De-humidifier.
[long pause]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well, don't they cancel each other out?
Monk: Exactly.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Office[edit]

[Monk sees two police officers conversing at a crime scene.]
Monk: [to Natalie] They're talking about football. I have that one! Give me the cards.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, you don't need the cards.
Monk: Give me the cards.
[Natalie hands him the cards. Monk rummages through them.]
Monk: Let's see, weather, politics, movies, swear words...
Natalie: Swear words?
Monk: Here's football.
[He looks at the cards and approaches the officers.]
Monk: You guys are talking about the football game last night? The San Francisco 49ers lost 27 points to 21 points.
Police Officer #1: Yes, we know.
Monk: It was a hell of a fourth quarter, though. It was the turn-overs. They always comeback to haunt you.
Police Officer #2: Yeah, we were just saying Rattay can't handle the pressure. Why didn't they take him out?
[Monk thinks for a moment and goes back to the cards. He returns to the police officers.]
Monk: That's true about quarterback Tim Rattay. But don't forget, he won 4 out of the 5 last home games.
Police Officer #2: But they were in Houston, Monk.
[Long pause.]
Monk: You guys want to hear some swear words?

[Chilton is not happy with the office cubicle that Monk has been put in]
Chilton Handy: Mr. Kemp said I could have that cubicle.
Abby: What's the difference?
Chilton Handy: It's closer to the emergency exit. Statistically, it's a little safer.
Abby: Statistically, you're a little nuts! Why don't you double up on your medication and get back to work?

Mr. Monk Gets Drunk[edit]

[Monk tries to apologize once more to Sylvia Willis about the events of the previous year]
Sylvia Willis: We had a mystery weekend [last year], and we hired some actors who were going to act out a little murder.
Monk: I'm really, really sorry.
Sylvia Willis: It was supposed to be for three days, and everybody paid in advance for three days. And Adrian solved the case in, what was it, twelve minutes?
Monk: I knew that the general's daughter was lying about meeting Churchill because Churchill wasn't knighted until 1953, which meant that Reginald, the limping chauffeur who supplied her alibi, was also lying, so obviously they were lovers who were planning to kill the Sultan.
Sylvia Willis: Anyway, we had to refund everybody's money, but we learned our lesson: no more mysteries when Adrian Monk is in town.

Monk: Isn't this great? Just two guys in a revolving restaurant...

[Monk is trying to keep Al Nicoletto occupied, and due to a mixup, he has accidentally been given the full strength wine rather than the non-alcoholic wine]
Monk: You look like a moose. I think I'll call you... Mr. Look-Like-A-Moose.

[observing women standing in a barrel, crushing grapes]
Wine Expert: Wine stomping. It's a tradition that goes back thousands of years to the Greeks. We're one of the last wineries in California that at least makes some of their wines using this method.
Monk: Oh my God! People actually drink that?!
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, I think so.
Monk: Are they insane?! Ask her if they're insane!

Monk: I've been drinking that wine for fifteen years! It's foot wine! I can taste it!
Natalie: Oh, come on, you cannot taste it!
Monk: I... I... I... can. I can taste the feet now. And the toes. And what's between the toes.
Al Nicoletto: And the fungus. It really is barbaric.
Natalie: Okay, I didn't see any fungus! Look, I'm sure they have clean feet, there are probably rules about that stuff! [She trails off as the grape stompers walk past them, stepping barefoot across the muddy ground] Okay, I admit it, that's pretty disgusting.

Mr. Monk and Mrs. Monk[edit]

[Monk is in shock when faced with evidence that his wife Trudy faked her own death.]
Dr. Charles Kroger: Adrian, I'm not going to believe anything until I hear it from you. Is Trudy alive?
Monk: I don't know. But if it's true, then nothing is true. If this is true, nothing is true.

Monk: I got her back. For an hour and a half. I thought she might be alive. I had hope. Isn't hope the worst?

Lt. Disher: If we were both drowning, who would you save?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: I don't know, both of you.
Lt. Disher: No. If you could only save one of us?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well, I would probably save Monk because he can't swim and I happen to know you're an excellent swimmer.
Lt. Disher: Suppose I was holding an anchor? . . . Who would you save then?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well, why don't you let go of the anchor?
Lt. Disher: It's a family heirloom.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: I'm leaving. [walks out].

Natalie: You know, Mr. Monk, you never told me. What happened in the cemetery? How did you know that woman wasn't really Trudy?
Monk: Well, I went to the grave... and it still hurt. So I knew.

Mr. Monk Goes to a Wedding[edit]

[about the "police officer" at a bachelorette party]
Natalie: Mr. Monk, he's not a real cop. He's a stripper.
Monk: I don't think so.
Natalie: Didn't you see his badge? It says "Officer Feelgood."
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Monk, the guy's got dollar bills sticking out of his belt.
Monk: I thought he'd lost his wallet.

[after Randy offers to be Natalie's date to the wedding]
Natalie : Hey, is Greenberg still dating that parole officer?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: No, he married her.
Lt. Disher: I have my own tux and everything.
Natalie: Ooh, ooh, what about that B-and-E suspect you brought in last week? He was kinda cute.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Not cute enough to make bail.

[Monk and Stottlemeyer are looking through Adrian and Trudy's wedding album]
Monk: She was... wow.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Beautiful.
Monk: I remember during the service she was crying so hard, she couldn't even say the words "I do". Have you ever seen anybody cry so much?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: That was you, Monk. And no, I have not.

[Someone has nearly tried to kill Randy by running him down]
Natalie: How is he?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Broken arm, broken leg, probably a couple of broken ribs. Suitcase took most of the blow; it could've been much worse.
Natalie: Can he identify the driver?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: He can't identify me! I'll check back later. [to Monk] What have you got?
Monk: Condensation. The air conditioner was running, and the humidity is what, about 70%? So that car was idling right here for about 20 minutes.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: So what, he was waiting for him?
Monk: From the tire tracks, he must have peeled out at full speed.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: So he didn't even try to brake, or make the turn? [realizes what Monk's words mean] Son-of-a-bitch! [to Natalie] What happened?! He was only here for an hour! Did he piss somebody off?
Monk: [produces an evidence bag] And we found this, near the gas pedal. It's some kind of green mud.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: I'll get this down to the lab right away.
Natalie: Captain, it's not your case.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Like hell it's not!

[Monk and Natalie notice Stottlemeyer using a camera to take pictures of the guests]
Natalie: Captain, what are you doing here?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Taking pictures. I overheard your mother say that the wedding photographer didn't show up, so I volunteered. I borrowed this from one of the crime tech guys.
Natalie: Why?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Because Randy says he thinks he can identify the driver.
Monk: Did he get a good look at him?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yep. Male Caucasian, medium build, red baseball cap, sunglasses. I figure I'd develop these tonight, and maybe we'll get lucky.
Natalie: You're undercover at my brother's wedding?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Look, I'm doing you a favor. It's either this or we take everybody upstairs one at a time. Smile. [Monk and Natalie smile as Stottlemeyer snaps a photo of them].

Mr. Monk and Little Monk[edit]

Sherry Judd: Adrian helped me out of a jam when we were young. Was that 30 years ago?
Monk: April 12, 1972.
Sherry Judd: You remember?
Monk: I only remember the date... and what everybody wore, and what everybody said, and what everybody did.

Mrs. Monk: Adrian!
Young Adrian Monk: Mom, everybody's watching.
Mrs. Monk: Here's your lunch. It's cut into ten little squares, just like we like. And here's your first aid kit, and your toiletries bag.
Young Adrian Monk: Mom...
Mrs. Monk: You'll thank me later. Don't share your lunch with anyone, and sit near the fire doors. I'll pick you up at 3:07, I'll be wearing an orange blouse.
Young Adrian Monk: Mom, I know what you look like. I love you, Mom.
[He opens his arms to hug her.]
Mrs. Monk: What are you doing?
Young Adrian: Right, sorry.
[He puts down one of his bags and gives her a brisk handshake.].

Natalie: What was he like? As a kid?
Sherry Judd: Pretty much the same. Careful, smart... sad.

Mrs. Ledsky: Here, take this one. I made it with exactly ten chocolate chips, like you like.
Monk: [bites the cookie] You're an excellent cook, Mrs. Ledsky.
Mrs. Ledsky: It's a gift... [hand to her stomach] And a curse.

[Monk and Sherry Judd look at a painting in an art gallery]
Sherry Judd: I love this one - look at their faces. I wonder what they're thinking.
Monk: She is planning to murder him.
Sherry Judd: What?
Monk: She's about to feed him Amanita mushrooms - you can tell by the little white spots. It's a deadly poison.
Sherry Judd: Well maybe she doesn't know?
Monk: She knows. He's been hitting her. She's swollen. See the bruises on her arms and her left eye? She knows what she's doing. [pause]
Sherry Judd: It must be hard, to be you - to see everything.
Monk: It's awful.

Mr. Monk and the Secret Santa[edit]

Julie: I've never seen the snow. Is it beautiful?
Monk: Oh, yes. It's beautiful. You know, no two snowflakes are alike... and it's still beautiful.

[Terry is putting up a "MERRY CHRISTMAS" banner, which is slightly askew]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Terry, hey! That's not straight. The left side is too low.
Detective Terry Chasen: It's good enough.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: No, it's not. Adrian Monk is coming.
Detective Terry Chasen: Ah, hell. Okay.

Capt. Stottlemeyer: You looking forward to our little party, Alice?
Cpl. Alice Westergren: Uh, I guess so. How long do these things usually last?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Last year, Karen and I left at about 2:30 AM and Terry - Detective Chasen - was still standing on a table in his boxer shorts singing "Help Me, Rhonda" in Spanish.
Detective Terry Chasen: That's a lie! I don't speak Spanish!
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh yes, you do!
Cpl. Alice Westergren: Oh, and this came for you. Someone dropped this off at the front desk. [hands Stottlemeyer the bottle of port]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [reads the card attached to the bottle] "Captain Leland Stottlemeyer." [opens it] "Captain Stottlemeyer, thank you for your business. Eastwood Auto Supply." [turns to Alice] You know what this is, Alice? This is a bribe. Somebody is trying to influence public policy, and I think it might work.

[the SFPD has come to arrest Frank Prager, who is hiding in a church]
Sister Heather: Captain Stottlemeyer, I'm Sister Heather.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Hi, sister. You know why I'm here, right?
Sister Heather: Yes. He's here; he's in the sanctuary. He's very frightened. You think he tried to murder you?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yes, ma'am, I do.
Sister Heather: You obviously have very strong feelings about this.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: You're godda- Yes, I do.
Sister Heather: I just want to make sure that Brad isn't mistreated.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Brad's not his name.
Sister Heather: You're right, I don't know his real name, but I know the man. He's been working in our outreach program. He's been feeding the hungry and the homeless every night. When they're too tired to come here, he brings food to them.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Maybe he has a guilty conscience.
Sister Heather: Well, any conscience at all is a rare thing these days. What do you want, Captain?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: I want justice.
Sister Heather: Well, he's afraid that you want something else. He's afraid you and the other policemen want...
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Revenge.
Sister Heather: My father once taught me an important lesson: "There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness."
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Your father?
Sister Heather: He's your father, too.

[Stottlemeyer takes Monk to the parking lot where Prager tried to kill him]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Four months ago, it was a Tuesday night, I came out of a bar, around 2:30. [flashback to Stottlemeyer leaving that bar] They took my keys, so I'm walking home. [flashback ends] There was-there was a big black van here, he was waiting behind it. [points to a space occupied by a vintage car] Must've been parked here all night. [In flashback, Prager steps out from behind the van] He steps out. I'm standing right about where you are now. I knew who it was right away: it was Frank Prager, and he wanted me dead. I could see it in his eyes. [Stottlemeyer, in flashback, sees Prager's cold vengeful glare. Suddenly Prager brings up a gun and fires five shots at Stottlemeyer, but Stottlemeyer ducks behind a car, but by the time he brings up his S&W gun, Prager has vanished] He aims a Glock 17 at my head, caps off five rounds. And then he just disappeared. Until last night.
Monk: And they just left the bullet holes?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well it's probably good for business at this place. It adds to the mystique.

Mr. Monk Goes to a Fashion Show[edit]

[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher visit Hodge's fashion house to talk to him. Hodge advances on Natalie]
Julian Hodge: If you're gonna rob me, you should bring a gun.
Natalie Teeger: Pardon me?
Julian Hodge: The blouse. It's a knock-off of one of my designs.
Natalie: Oh. It is? I didn't know.
Julian Hodge: Of course. That's not the real crime. The real crime is how you look in it.
Natalie: [after Hodge leaves] He did it!
Monk: Natalie, he's not even a suspect!
Natalie: Damn!

[Monk and Natalie cut in line trying to get into Julian Hodge's fashion show while searching for Julie.]
Monk: I'm on the list.
Security guard: Name?
Monk: Puff Daddy, plus 1.

Monk: [during the show] Natalie! Don't eat the food back there. I just saw two of the models throwing up!

Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Is there any new evidence?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: No. Monk met the killer's mother.
Lt. Disher: She's a shirt inspector.
Natalie: She swears he's innocent.
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: I know. That's the toughest part of the job, the mothers crying and pleading. That's one thing I'm not gonna miss!
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Where are you going?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Didn't you hear? I'm retiring! There's a party for me on Friday if you wanna come.
Lt. Disher: Cool, absolutely! I'll be there.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: You're retiring? How old are you?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: 46.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [in disbelief] Did you win the lottery?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: No, I've been investing. Real estate. [beat] What have you been doing with your savings?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Uhhhhhhhhhhh, eating. You know, I think I need to talk to my accountant.
Natalie: What, you have an accountant?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Nope. Gonna have to go find an accountant, then I'm gonna talk to him.

[Natasia Zorelle has been discovered dead in her apartment. Gordo is dusting a glass for fingerprints when Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher come in]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: How's it look, Gordo?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Oh, looks like suicide, smells like suicide. Primary's on suicide. She drained two of those bottles and around 30 sleeping pills.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Were those prescription?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Probably not.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [to Randy] We'll check with her doctor. Make a note.
Lt. Disher: I'll remember. [Randy is wearing an expensive suit, due to Hodge's comment about his attitude getting way over his head]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Where's your notebook?
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, I didn't bring it. It's an Italian suit, it was ruining the lining. But don't worry. [points to his head] I'll remember it. [He gazes at a mirror and tries to readjust the lining. Natalie steps in front of him and blocks his view]
Natalie: Am I in your way?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: [to Monk] She probably got depressed after you spoke to her. All those memories about the murder bubbling up.
Monk: You know, I don't think so. One set of fingerprints on the glass.
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Well yeah, they're hers.
Monk: But look. She's wearing lipstick. There's no lipstick on the glass. Somebody wiped down the glass, and then put it back in her hand. [Stottlemeyer turns and addresses all of the other cops and CSI techs in the room]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: O-K! This is now a homicide investigation! Lock this joint down, nobody touches anything! [turning to Randy] Fabio, go and borrow a notebook, and borrow a pencil, and start talking to neighbors!
Natalie: Captain, what do you think it means?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: It means that your boss scared somebody.

Mr. Monk Bumps His Head[edit]

[Disher tells Natalie that Monk has been found in Wyoming, where a trucker dropped him off.]
Natalie: Are they sure it's really him?
Lt. Disher: The trucker gave him a five dollar bill, the guy kept smoothing it out.
Natalie: He's alive!

Monk: [surrounded by bees] Could you do me a favor? Could you kill me, please?

Mr. Monk and the Captain's Marriage[edit]

[Natalie is about to touch Devo, Gerald Vengal's pet]
Natalie: He's actually kinda cute. [leans forward to pet it]
Monk: Natalie, don't touch him! Later on, when we have time, I'll tell you a little story about the Black Plague.

Gerald Vengal: I'll never forget that face if I live to be 40.

[Stottlemeyer returns home after having punched a cop]
Karen Stottlemeyer: Did something happen?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Now that's a good question. What did you do? Did you turn the heat up? It's like a sauna in here.
Karen Stottlemeyer: It's supposed to be ninety-nine degrees exactly. It's called the Gittomer Method. It's very therapeutic.

[Stottlemeyer wants Monk to follow his wife]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Monk, I really need to know. I'd do it myself, but the chief says I need to go to this anger management class, which really pisses me off! I knocked out a tooth. One tooth. It's not like I killed the guy!
Monk: Who was that clown? I'd never seen him before.

[Monk and Natalie are following Karen]
Natalie: How long have they been married?
Monk: Forever. Karen and Leland? They've never had a thing in common. I remember... this one weekend he went hunting. She stayed home and organized a rally for stronger gun control.

Mr. Monk and the Big Reward[edit]

[Rufus pulls up to the MacMillan Museum in a van and hops out with some tulips]
Inspector St. Clare: Excuse me! Any suspects, yet?
Rufus: I wouldn't know. I'm just delivering flowers.
Inspector St. Clare: No you're not. You're a private detective, like me.
Rufus: [scoffs] Me, a detective? That's uh, very funny by the way! I can't wait to tell the guys-
Inspector St. Clare: Look, you're selling it to me! That satellite dish on your roof, the number on the side - "555" - obviously a fake. Now conclusion number 1: you're after the Alexander Diamond. Conclusion number 2: you haven't got a prayer. :[Dirk, a motorcycle rider, wheels in and parks his motorcycle in a handicap space]
Rufus: Excuse me! That's a handicap spot!
Dirk: It's okay. I'm psychotic. Is this where they stole the rock?
Inspector St. Clare: You judging me?
Dirk: Not anymore.

[Stottlemeyer reads the coroner's report to Monk and Natalie]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Here's the coroner's report. Victim's name: Danny Chasen, it's probably an alias. Victim was poisoned; somebody spiked his all-natural barley tea with ammonia.
Monk: Was he part of the heist?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Looks like it. They found some hair samples in that rolltop desk at the museum that matched the body.
Natalie: Where's the diamond?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Still missing in action. Wasn't on him or in the cabin.
Monk: We know he had a partner, somebody who works at the museum. It's probably still with him.
Natalie: So the reward is still good? I mean, nobody's claimed it?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yeah, as far as I know. The reward is still good.
Natalie: [holds up file] Ka-ching!
Monk: [to Stottlemeyer] Could you make her stop saying that?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: This is no longer a parlor game. A man is dead. This is a homicide investigation, which means nobody is to withhold any information from anybody.
Natalie: [noticing that Monk and Stottlemeyer are looking at her with accusing looks] What? Are you looking at me?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yes I am, Ms. Teeger.

[Randy is questioning security guard Warren Landis about where he was during the robbery]
Warren Landis: I want to help you guys. I really do, but they've questioned me three times.
Lt. Disher: It's not just you, Mr. Landis. We're talking to all the guards, cleaning staff, curators; anybody who was at the museum.
Warren Landis: Yeah, but I haven't been home yet!
Lt. Disher: And I appreciate that. We just need your official statement, and you're free to go. So for the record, where were you during the robbery?
Warren Landis: OK, for the tenth time, I was at my station on the main floor. I *never* left. I didn't even go to the bathroom.
Lt. Disher: And you didn't hear anything unusual?
Warren Landis: No, sir. I was three floors away.
Lt. Disher: Okay. [noticing Monk and Natalie] Excuse me for a second. Can I get you something to drink?
[Randy walks over to the cooler where Monk and Natalie are standing]
Lt. Disher: Monk, Nat.
Monk: What's going on?
Lt. Disher: What? You haven't heard? Robbery at the MacMillan Museum. It was big, big! The Alexander Diamond.
Natalie: Whoa!
Lt. Disher: I know whoa! Robbery division asked us to help out, so we're taking statements from everybody on site.
Monk: So you're not arresting him about the drugs?
Lt. Disher: Uh, no, what drugs?
Monk: His fingertips are stained. It looks like red phosphorus. You get that from making crystal meth. He's got to have a lab somewhere.
Lt. Disher: Okay, I'll look into it. [turns to Landis] Excuse me, Mr. Landis. [to Monk and Natalie] If the Captain needs me, I'll be in Interrogation Room B. [Randy leaves with Landis to head to the interrogation room].

[The day after Jennie Mandeville confesses to stealing a pen from a bank, she comes back and confesses to accidentally killing her roommate and dumping his body]
Lt. Disher: Jenny, what did you do with the body?
Jenny Mandeville: I flushed it down the toilet. [Realizing that this is another false "confession", Randy switches off the tape recorder]
Lt. Disher: Was Tony a goldfish?
Jenny Mandeville: A hamster.

Jenny Mandeville: [to Randy] So am I in trouble?
Lt. Disher: No, not this time, miss. But listen, if you feeling like finding someone to confess to, you should call a priest. [to an officer] Would you escort Miss Mandeville out? [Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer come out of the Captain's office. Disher turns to them]
Monk: Who is she?
Lt. Disher: Looney Tune of the Month. Her name's uh, Jennie Mandeville. She keeps on coming in here and confessing to stuff.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: What was it this time?
Lt. Disher: Well, she comes in, same as yesterday. Says she accidentally killed her roommate. So I take her into the back room and I turn on the tape recorder - Turns out her roommate was a hamster.
Monk: [chuckles] She didn't look unstable.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: They never do.

Mr. Monk and the Astronaut[edit]

Natalie: [after convincing both Monk and Steve Wagner to speak at Julie's school] I'm gonna be class mom of the year!

Monk: I'm half-man, half-wuss. I'm a muss.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Dentist[edit]

[Randy is at Dr. Oliver Bloom's office]
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Well, Mr. Disher. I'm Oliver Bloom. Don't get up, I'm kidding. You're a Lieutenant, right?
Lt. Disher: Yeah.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: I can usually guess within one rank. I see a lot of cops who are on the medical plan.
Lt. Disher: Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Oh don't worry. We're open late on Tuesdays and Thursdays in case of emergencies. Also to keep Terri here off the streets.
Terri: He worries about me.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: I do worry about you. You know what I worry about? I worry about this bad boy here, your number 3 molar.

[Randy is placed into anasthesia]
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Terri, I'm gonna need that angle director probe.
Terri: Angle director probe. [she hands it to Dr. Bloom] Doctor, I think he's coming awake again. [They put the mask back on Randy's mouth to knock him out again. Randy's vision fades to the next moment where he gains consciousness]
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Come on, come on. [An intruder bursts into the office and Dr. Bloom and Terri look up]
Denny Jardeen: Hey!
Dr. Oliver Bloom: What are you doing here?
Denny Jardeen: What did you do with Barry Bonds? I know he's here somewhere. I know he's here.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: I don't know what you're talking about.
Denny Jardeen: Barry Bonds!
Lt. Disher: Barry Bonds...
Terri: We don't know any 'Barry Bonds'!
Denny Jardeen: He's worth $13 million! What did you do to him?!
Dr. Oliver Bloom: We have a patient here. [With the intruder getting agitated, Dr. Bloom and Terri attack the intruder. We see a struggle ensue]
Lt. Disher: [fading back into unconsciousness] Hey, cut it out! [Terri grabs an object and brings it down several times on the intruder] I'm a police officer. [His vision fades] I'm a police officer.... [cuts to Terri and Dr. Bloom standing over Randy]
Terri: Hey, Sleeping Beauty. Welcome back.
Lt. Disher: [opens his eyes] Are you okay?
Terri: Am I okay? Of course I am. Why shouldn't I?
Lt. Disher: There was a man in here.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: She has men in here all the time.
Lt. Disher: You were fighting.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Oh there was a fight all right, between me and this molar here! It didn't wanna come out! [jiggles a little container with Randy's tooth] Now there's going to be some sensitivity for a couple days, so I wrote you a prescription that should help with the pain. You need to take one every four hours.

[Randy tells Stottlemeyer about the murder he "witnessed"]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: You saw it?
Lt. Disher: Sort of. I was sedated.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: You were sedated? Randy, one time I was under anesthesia, I thought my mustache was a chipmunk!
Detective Patterson: I was the Green Lantern once. It was great. I didn't want to wake up.

[Determined not to go back to a dentist's office ever again, Monk is flossing in Stottlemeyer's office]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: What's he doing?
Natalie: Flossing. He's determined never to go back to a dentist ever again.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Monk, cut it out. I mean it; this is a floss-free zone.
Monk: Since when?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Since right now!

[Randy has quit the force]
Natalie: You miss him. I can tell.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Look, Natalie, it's not like we were going steady, okay? We worked together. He was just another cop.
Natalie: That is not true!
Capt. Stottlemeyer: You're right. It's not true. He's not just another cop; he was the single most annoying human being to ever wear a badge! [Monk walks by, gargling noisily] Present company excepted.

Mr. Monk Gets Jury Duty[edit]

[Monk is yelling out a window to Natalie who is standing by a dumpster where a dead woman was found]
Monk: Who is she?
Natalie: No I.D.
Monk: No idea?
Natalie: [a little louder] No I.D.
Monk: No idea?
Natalie: [louder] No... [points to eye] I... [makes the shape of a "D"] D!
Monk: ...No idea?
Disher: No I.D.!
Monk: Why don't you check her identification?
Disher: NO I.D.!!
Natalie: [screams, exasperated] NO I.D.!!!
[long pause]
Monk: ...No idea?

[Escobar is being extradited and Stottlemeyer is taking emergency precautions at the courthouse]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Pay attention. I'm only gonna say this once. Escobar's hearing is tomorrow at 12:00 Noon. We lock this joint down tonight at midnight, every exit, every window. 1:00 AM: we sweep for bombs, head to toe. 6:00 AM: I want snipers on this roof and on the roof next door. We arrive at 11:30. 11:40: we meet Lapides at the elevator, we hand him off. From there, he's the bureau's.
Lt. Disher: Sir, could you repeat that, please?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yeah, what part?
Lt. Disher: Uhh, everything after "Pay attention, I'm only gonna say this once."
[Stottlemeyer groans in frustration].

[Stottlemeyer and Disher, celebrating the arrest of Escobar, crumple up balls of paper and toss them in the trash. FBI Special Agent Lapides comes in and catches one before it lands in the trash can]
Special Agent Lapides: Is this a bad time?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [taking a bite out of a bagel] It is now. [to Randy] Randy, you remember Special Agent Lapides? :[Lapides produces an envelope]
Special Agent Lapides: Actually I'm not alone. I'm with the attorney general. Wanna read it?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: I don't need to read it. I'm not giving you Escobar. No way, no how.
Special Agent Lapides: Leland, this case is bigger than San Francisco. Escobar was supplying drugs to seven states.
Lt. Disher: Yeah, but we caught him here!
Capt. Stottlemeyer: You're damn right we did, and we got him on a homicide, right here in the City of San Francisco. This case represents three years of my life.
Special Agent Lapides: Well you have the thanks of a grateful nation, Captain. But the federal indictment's already been filed. We're gonna try him first.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [to himself] Sons-of-bitches.
Special Agent Lapides: There's an extradition hearing on Thursday. Here's how it's gonna work: you babysit Escobar until then, you bring him to the courthouse, meet us in the lobby, you drop him off, you go home. [starts to leave; but then stops, and holds the envelope to his ear] "What's that, sir?" I'll tell him. [to Stottlemeyer] The attorney general says, "Don't screw it up".