Monkey Dust is a British animated TV series that satirises the darker side of life in the United Kingdom. It deals with taboo subjects, and often features animated characterisations of real people (much like American series South Park). Monkey Dust first aired on BBC Three on February 9, 2003, and there have been three series to date — the third began airing on January 4, 2005.
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- Mrs. Pringle: It's midnight. You left the office at 6 o'clock. [sigh] Where have you been, Clive?
- Clive Pringle: Ah. The evening I've had, honestly. I was driving home and I was just overcome with tiredness and I saw this light up ahead, so I just stopped, you know, to rest my eyes, and there was this woman came out with a candle and she showed me into this courtyard where all these boys were dancing. It was an amazing place. Ah, there were mirrors on the ceiling and pink champagne on ice. Well, I said I'd stay for a drink and the captain brought me my wine. It was actually a bottle they'd had since the late sixties. They offered me a room, in fact, but I said, "No, I've got to get home" and they said I could check out whenever I liked but I could never leave. Anyway, so I stayed for dinner in the master's chambers and we all had a stab at the meal with our steely knives but we just couldn't kill the beast. And that, darling, is what really happened.
- Mrs. Pringle: That's actually the plot of Hotel California by the Eagles. Where have you been, Clive?
- Clive Pringle: [eyes downcast] I've been spit roasting a hooker with your dad.
- Ivan Dobsky: Hello, I'm Ivan Dobsky. I'm the Meatsafe Murderer, only I never done it but I said I did. I had to, otherwise they'd have put me head back down the toilet.
- Ivan Dobsky: There's somethin' called "D" an' "A" and he knows I never done it.
- Ivan Dobsky: Hello, I'm Ivan Dobsky. I'm the Meatsafe Murderer, only I never done it. I had to say that I did so they'd take the truncheon out of me bottom, only there's these two nice men called "D" an' "A" and they know that I never done it and they've told everyone. Can I have a quarter of a pound of cola cubes, please?
- [First-time cottager Geoff listens to a motivational self-hypnosis tape.]
- Motivational Tape: I can suck off a complete stranger in a public toilet!
- [Some new parents are discussing what to name their baby.]
- Mother: I know what we should call him. How about Jacoby?
- Baby: [thinking] What?
- Father: That's nice, although I had rather set my heart on Hugo.
- Baby: [thinking] Hugo? Hugo?! You fucking twat!
- Father: Then again, we could name him after my grandfather, Thursby.
- Baby: [thinking] You absolute fucking tosser! They will beat me like a Chipperfield monkey!
- Mother: No, I know what's nice.
- Baby: [thinking] Dave! Steve! Chris! Steve! Dave! Anything!
- Mother: Hercules!
- Baby: [thinking] Oh, that's a good idea - if I want to be a fucking gladiator!
- Father: The classical touch is nice, but how about Archimedes?
- Baby: [thinking] How about "Fucking Gaylord" and be done with it!
- [in the hovel of an old wheezing pervert on the computer typing in an internet chatroom as "Benjy", 12 years old, with a young girl, Charlotte]
- Charlotte: i'm going to to a funfair in the park on sat. we can meet there if you like
- [drops pilchards he's eating] [coughing]
- Chat Room Pervert (AKA Benjy): wizard!! how will i recognize you?? [orgasmic sigh, wipes pilchard juice on undershirt]
- Charlotte: i'll be with my dad. In his cheif [sic] inspector's uniform. it's a police charity funfair, over 2000 police are comming [sic].
- Chat Room Pervert: [groan] i've just remembered i have to stay in and listen to the goons.
- [at the amusement park]
- Timmy: Wow, this is great!
- Mother: Okay, fun's over. Time to go and see your dad.
- [Ivan has just received a letter for the first time in his life.]
- Ivan Dobsky: Who's it from?
- Mr Drummond: Well, judging by the perfume and the feminine hand, I'd say it's from a certified lunatic.
- Ivan Dobsky: Yippee!
- Ivan Dobsky: I never done it! I only said I done it so they'd take the rat out of my anus!
- [Mrs Jenkins has come to collect her pictures from a photo development shop]
- Paedo-Finder General: I am the Paedo-Finder General, and you are Mrs Jenkins, a paedophile!
- Mrs Jenkins: On what basis?
- Paedo-Finder General: [holds up photo] On the basis of these pornographic images taken with your camera of a naked infant!
- Mrs Jenkins: That's my baby, Jacob. I became a mother last week!
- Paedo-Finder General: So! You confess that for nine months you imprisoned a naked child in your stomach before forcing him backwards through your genitalia for your own sick amusement!
- Mrs Jenkins: Well, that's how all babies are born!
- Paedo-Finder General: Enough! By the powers invested in me by tabloid-reading imbeciles, I pronounce you guilty of paedophilia! [Takes a giant pair of scissors and gruesomely chops off her head]
- [The useless terrorists discuss who to vote for in a poll of favourite TV characters, as MI5 spies listen in from outside.]
- Omar: Now is the time to be strong in our resolve. It must be... Del Boy.
- Mrs Khan: Is that our Shafiq at the terror training camp? Tell him to tidy his bunk and thank whoever's in charge for having him.
- [A woman lies in a coffin at her funeral, her lips barely moving.]
- Woman: I'm not dead! I've just had too much botox!
- Paedo-Finder General: By the power invested in me by that bloke I met in the pub who knew for definite, I find your sort... guilty of paedophilia.
- Paedo-Finder General: A 99?! Like a 69, but thirty worse!
- Paedo-Finder General: Your gayness condemns you; it is written in stone.
- Gay Man: Where?
- Paedo-Finder General: On the wall behind the bus station - I carved it there myself; I have seen it with mine own eyes!
- Tony Blair: Education, Education, Education, Education, Education, Education, Education, Education, Education, Education, Education, Education, Education, Education...
- [Blair fades out, implying eternity.]
- Ivan Dobsky: Karen Carpenter, she's my favourite! I bet she's old and fat now.
- Ivan Dobsky: I'd like two tickets to Wembley Stadium to see Mud.
- Ivan Dobsky: I never done it. I only said I did it so they'd take me bellend out the chilli sauce!
- Teacher: So this new society, what's it for exactly?
- Swatty pupil: It's a history society. It's for history.
- Teacher: And what will you do?
- Swatty pupil: Read books about history, visit local museums, write essays on historical topics...
- Teacher: I just don't think you have time. You've got an A-level in hip-hop coming up this spring, you've got double rap on Thursdays, and that's without your garage oral and AS-level in flavas. You're just not taking academic matters seriously.
- Ivan Dobsky: I never done it!
- Clive Pringle: ... and that, darling, is what really happened.
- David Baddiel: As a famous comedian, I resent the implication that I'm any less qualified to perform this task than a fully trained professional!