Mr. & Mrs. Smith

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Mr. & Mrs. Smith is a 2005 romantic action comedy film starring Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie as a bored married couple who learn that they are both assassins hired by competing agencies to kill each other.

Directed by Doug Liman and written by Simon Kinberg.

John Smith

  • I guess that's what happens in the end, you start thinking about the beginning.
  • We have an unusual problem here, Jane. You obviously want me dead, and I'm less and less concerned for your well-being.
  • Option A: You talk, we listen, no pain. Option B: You don't talk, I remove your thumbs with my pliers, it will hurt. Option C: I like to vary the details a bit but the punch line is you die.


  • Jane Smith: Happy endings are just stories that haven't finished yet.
  • Eddie: I live with my mom because I choose to. She's the only woman I've ever trusted.


[first session with a marriage counselor]
John: Ok, I'll go first. let me see... um... We don't really need to be here. See, we've been married for five years.
Jane: Six.
John: [chastened] Five or six years.

[at the counselor's office]
Counselor: How often do you have sex?
Jane: I don't understand the question.
John: Yeah I'm lost, is this a one to ten thing?
Jane: Yeah, is, like, ten nothing or one? 'Cause tech- technically speaking, zero would be nothing.
[after a long pause]
Counselor: How 'bout this week?
[another long pause]
John: Including the weekends?

Jane: There's this huge space between us, and it just keeps filling up with everything that we don't say to each other. What's that called?
Marriage Counselor: Marriage.

[about the new curtains Jane bought]
Jane: If you don't like them we can take them back.
John: All right, I don't like them.
Jane: [pause] You'll get used to them.

John: Careful, Jane. I can push the button any time I like.
Jane: Baby, you couldn't find the button with both hands and a map.

Jane: Promise me to leave the town or I will blow it.
John: Ok... I give up. Please blow it.
Jane: Excuse me. What?
John: Go on. Blow it.
Jane: You think I won't?
John: I think you won't.
Jane: OK. Five. Four. Any last words?
John: Your new curtains are hideous.
Jane: Goodbye John. [Janet hit's the PC keyboard and the bomb detonates. The monitor screen blacks out.] What the hell is this?
Janet: You said Goodbye.

John: [during a car chase] I never told you, but I was married once before. [Jane slams on the brakes] Ow! Are you insane? What's wrong with you!?
Jane: [hitting John] You're what's wrong with me!
John: It was a drunken Vegas thing.
Jane: Oh, that's better! That's much better! [pause] What's her name and social security number?
John: No, you're not gonna kill her.

Jane: You deviated from the plan.
John: The plan was flawed.
Jane: The plan was not flawed.
John: Anal.
Jane: Organized.
John: Jane, 90% of this job is instinct.
Jane: Well, your instinct set off every alarm of the building.
John: My instinct got the job done. It may not have been Jane Show...
Jane: No! It was John Show. It was half-assed. Like Christmas, like our anniversary, like the time you forgot to bring my mother's birthday present.
John: Your fake mother's birthday present.
Jane: The point is, you are always the first to break team.
John: You don't want a team. You want a servant to hire.
Jane: I want someone I can count on.
John: [sigh] Jane, there is no air around you any more.
Janeh: Oh, what is that supposed to mean?
John: That means there is no room for mistakes, whatsoever. No mistakes. No spontaneity. Who can answer that?
Jane: Well, you don't have to. Because this is not even a real marriage!
[brief ice cold silence]
Danz: Who are you people?
Jane: Shut up!!

[at the marriage counselor's office]
Counselor: At the scale of one to ten, how happy are you in this marriage?
Jane: [quickly] Eight.
John: Wait, is ten perfectly happy or...?
Counselor: Just respond instinctively.
John: [turns to Jane] You ready?
Jane: Yeah.
Together: Eight.