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Muppets Most Wanted

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Muppets Most Wanted is a 2014 film in which, while on a grand world tour, the Muppets find themselves wrapped into a European jewel-heist caper headed by a Kermit the Frog look-alike and his dastardly sidekick. It is the eighth theatrical film featuring the Muppets.

Directed by James Bobin. Writren by Bobin and Nicholas Stoller.
Taking the world by farce.taglines

Miss Piggy

[edit]
  • [exploring a theater in Germany] "Hole in the Wall Club"? More like "Hole in the Ground Club".
  • [standing up to Constantine] Oh, brother! You may be the world's most dangerous frog, but you're still a frog!
  • [beating up Constantine] NO! ONE! TRICKS! ME! INTO! MARRYING! THEM! AND! THEN! HURTS! MY! KERMIE!

Constantine

[edit]
  • [about to fight the prison guards] Let's dance.
  • [before blowing up the gulag] It's time to light the lights.
  • Boo.
  • It's not easy being mean.
  • Hi-lo! I am Kermit.
  • Dominic is terrific. From now on, let's do whatever he says, hmm?
  • [to Walter] Come, little friend. Let us get on with the show and enjoy our family-style adventure, during which we shall bond and learn heartwarming lesson. Perhaps about sharing, or waiting your turn, or the number three. Hmm?
  • What is happening? Why am I flying?
  • It was vertigo, not stage fright, if that's what you're thinking, Number Two.
  • Pig, I have question. Am I wearing sign that says "BOTHER ME"?!?!
  • The lovers, the dreamers, and cheese. Nailed it.
  • [menacing Fozzie and Walter] You have wocka'd your last wocka, bear.
  • Well, as the old saying goes, the show must... continue. In a timely fashion.
  • That is right, MUPPETS! I... am CONSTANTINE... the world's most dangerous frog and number one criminal, and a thousand times more frog than this Kermit person! And now... I have only one thing to say to you FOOLS! Good night, folks! YAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!
  • Shut up and keep moving, pig! You are my insurance policy!
  • First rule of double-cross. You don't announce the double-cross before you double-cross. It's not even a rule because it is so obvious.
  • The Lemur is literally the worst bad guy name I have ever heard!
  • Bad move, frog.
  • You're ruining my getaway!
  • Welcome aboard, Kermit. You don't know who you're dealing with. I am the world's most dangerous frog.
  • [after Miss Piggy beats him up] What a woman.

Nadya

[edit]
  • Put the frog down! Or I will deploy.
  • Give up, frog. I have Netflix account with search keywords "prison escape". I have seen every prison movie ever made. Even the ones in space.
  • No one believes in family in the gulag, frog. People are only ever out for themselves.
  • You are always right, my beautiful amphibian prince. I will never let you go.
  • It would appear you were right, Kermit. I guess this is your family. And families belong together. You are free to go. Forever.

Dialogue

[edit]
Dominic: Wow. Thanks for seeing me at my regular booth, Muppets. Um, big fan. Huge. Uh, Dominic. [hands the Muppets his license] International tour manager.
Fozzie: [puzzled] "Dominic Badguy"?
Dominic: It's pronounced "Bad-gee". It's French.
Muppets: Oh...
Dominic: It means "good man".
[The Muppets murmur with relief.]
Miss Piggy: Oh. Yes. I knew that.
Dominic: Listen up. You're hot. You're having a moment. But what is inevitable about a moment? It ends.
Fozzie: [grabs Kermit's arm with worry] I don't want this moment to end!
Dominic: That's why we've got to get out there now and capitalize this moment with a capital "C", yeah? I want you to conquer the world, do an international tour. Show a global audience what you can do.
[The Muppets murmur with agreement.]
Kermit: Yeah, that sounds great, but I-- I'm just not sure-- Wait a second, guys, I'd love to do that too, but we've barely gotten back together, we don't wanna mess that up.
Dominic: Okay, I am inundated with offers of management at the moment. One Direction, U2, Cirque du Soleil, just some of the acts I can list.
Fozzie: Wow, that's a good list!
Dominic: And now, I wanna tour manage you guys. I know you're the boss, Kermit. I wouldn't interfere with that. And we'd share with our managerial roles because you've got a special bond with these little guys.
Kermit: Sure.
[In Germany, the Muppets are puzzled with the sign for their show.]
Rowlf: "Die Muppets"?
Statler: Looks like they put the reviews up early.
Waldorf: Yeah. Or is that the suggestion box?
[Statler and Waldorf laugh.]
Kermit: Okay, everybody, so we'll start at the bottom and work our way up. I've booked us into cabaret bars and coffee houses all across the industrial cities of Northern Germany. Dusseldorf, Hamburg, Mudburg, Vomitdorf...
Fozzie: Poopenburgen?
Kermit: Fozzie, we have a solid week booked in Poopenburgen.
[The other Muppets groan.]
Statler: [sarcastically] I can't wait.
Kermit: We don't have the money to rent the Berlin National Theater.
Dominic: We'll make our money back when we sell it out.
Miss Piggy: Kermie, I've always dreamed of playing the Berlin National Theater! Ich bin ein Berliner!
Floyd Pepper: More like, "ein Frankfurter"! [laughs]
Miss Piggy: [angry] Watch it, buster.
Kermit: Uh, guys, I'm not sure we can do this, you know?
Dominic: Okay. Let's put this to the vote. All those in favor of believing in ourselves, raise your hands.
[All the Muppets except for Kermit eagerly raise their hands.]
Kermit: That's not what I'm saying, I believe in...
Dominic: And all of those in favor of just giving up?
Kermit: [sighs with defeat; raises his hand] I can't believe I'm voting for giving up.
Dominic: Good. Well, I'm glad we made this decision.
Kermit: "Sold out." Like we've sold out a show in 30 years.
Miss Piggy: Ahem. Is this a good time to discuss our upcoming European wedding?
Kermit: No, actually, I'm kind of busy right now.
Miss Piggy: Perfect! I have 23 swatches for the seat covers for the reception, eight font choices for the menu, which, by the way, we are not serving flies.
Kermit: [irritated] Piggy, what are you talking about?
Miss Piggy: I'm just trying to involve you in some of the decision-making, dear.
Kermit: What about being involved in the decision to get married in the first place, huh?
Miss Piggy: [annoyed] Oh, Kermit, you never let me do what I want!
Kermit: Oh yeah, well, what about what I want, huh?! What about that?! I haven't even proposed yet.
Miss Piggy: You can do that on our honeymoon.
Kermit: Wha--?! [stammers] That's insane! Do you hear what you're saying?
Miss Piggy: "Insane"?! How dare you call your fiancée insane?!
Kermit: [angry] You are not my fiancée! We are not engaged! And as a matter of fact, the way this particular conversation is going right now, well... I'm fine with that!
[Miss Piggy gasps and runs out, heartbroken.]
Kermit: [remorseful] Piggy, wait! I'm sorry!
Dominic: Don't take it personally. They still love you. They just prefer me now.
Kermit: [sarcastic] Uh, thank you, Dominic. That's very comforting.
Female Berliner: Ach, tun sie sich hier! Evilen Froggen! EVILEN FROGGEN!!!
[Kermit has been mistaken for Constantine and is being arrested.]
Kermit: Hold on, hold on! There must be some mistake! Don't you know me? I'm Kermit the Frog!
Berlin Officer: Silence, Constantine. The game is up.
Kermit: Who? [sees the "wanted" poster of Constantine behind him; gasps and screams] Uh, no, no, wait a minute! I'm Kermit the Frog! Guys, this is a mistake, I'm telling you! [gets thrown in the police van; the sign on the van switches from "Plotpointburg" to "Siberian Gulag"] Hey, hey! Hello! Somebody! [the van takes him away] OPEN UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPP!!! I'm an Amphibian-American!
[Constantine watches from the shadows. He applies green paint to his mole and removes his hood.]
Constantine: It's not easy being mean. [snickers]
Constantine: Miss Pig, I have wronged you. I humbly beg your forgiveness.
Miss Piggy: You're not getting off that easy, bucko. Come on, Foo-Foo.
Dominic: Flawlessly executed. Bravo.
Constantine: What did you expect from world's most dangerous frog and number one criminal, Number Two?
Dominic: Yeah, I know. You're Number One, I'm Number Two. I think you mentioned that before.
Constantine: Now that we control the Muppet tour, Number Two, Phase One of our plan is complete. We are positioned to carry out greatest burgle-glllllley... Burgl... Burglehl... Burgl...
Dominic: "Burglary".
Constantine: Yes. Of all time, and pin it on those gullible Muppets, who will spend the rest of their miserable lives behind bars. Tonight, we steal the painting and then we'll have all need to steal the unstealable: The Crown Jewels of England. Ensuring that my name goes down in history as greatest thief of all time.
Dominic: You mean our names, right?
Constantine: Of course. My name first, then spacebar, spacebar, spacebar, your name.
Dominic: Sure.
[The Berlin National Treasure Museum is being investigated, the morning after Constantine and Dominic have robbed it. Sam the Eagle and French inspector Jean Pierre Napoleon are at the scene.]
Sam: [shows his badge to Jean] CIA.
Jean: [shows his badge to Sam] Interpol. What is the CIA doing here? This is my jurisdiction. Not to mention my badge is bigger.
Sam: One of the stolen paintings was on loan from the New York Metropolitan Museum of Art, so this is CIA jurisdiction. Also, this is my travel badge. [shows Jean a bigger badge] Here's my real badge.
Jean: Oh. You must have been looking at the wrong [reveals a larger badge under his shirt] badge.
Sam: [groans] You have won this round, Pierre.
Jean: My name is Jean.
Sam: Okay, Sean. Looks like we're going to be working together, but that doesn't mean I have to like you.
Jean: I didn't like you first.
Sam: I didn't like you before I met you. [Jean looks confused] So, what have we got?
Jean: Two priceless paintings stolen, and one average painting of an obscure English colonel. This has all the markings of the work of the Lemur.
Sam: What's a lemur?
Jean: Only the second most-wanted criminal in the world, and my personal nemesis. Unfortunately for me, his identity is a mystery.
Sam: No, literally. What is a lemur?
Jean: Oh, it is also a rat-monkey from Madagascar.
Sam: Ah.
Jean: [finds the Lemur's coin on the ground] Aha! Just as I suspected. This coin is his calling card. The Lemur, he is playing with us.
[A UPS delivery man arrives with a large object under a tarp with a rope attached to it.]
UPS delivery man: I have a delivery here for Mr. Eagle.
Sam: Right here.
UPS delivery man: And here's your rope.
[Sam pulls the rope, pulling the tarp down, revealing a giant CIA badge.]
Sam: You were saying?
Jean: [hands Sam a file folder] Here is the Lemur file. It has everything we have on him. [leaves]
[Sam opens the file folder, causing a bunch of Lemur coins to spill out.]
[The police van arrives at Gulag 38B with Kermit in it.]
Kermit: [panicking] You've got the wrong frog!
[Kermit is carted into the gulag, wearing a straitjacket and a muzzle. One of the prisoners, Danny Trejo, sees Kermit.]
Danny Trejo: Hey, hey, hey, hey!
[The prison guards drop Kermit, and remove his restraints. Kermit is approached by the gulag inmates.]
Prison King: It's Constantine.
Kermit: What?
Prison King: He's back.
[The inmates kneel before Kermit.]
Kermit: What are you doing? I'm not Constantine. My name is Kermit.
Danny Trejo: Constantine, always with the jokes!
[The cellmates laugh.]
Miss Poogy: Good old Constantine. Always trying to pull a fast one. [laughs]
Prison King: Old friend. Since you are back, I guess you are in charge of prison again. [removes his crown] Here. Take prison crown. We have to re-adjust it again. Sergei, you get on that.
Sergei: Yes, sir.
Prison King: Take, take.
[The inmates turn to leave Kermit.]
Kermit: Uh, thank you.
[The inmates stop, and turn back to Kermit, glaring at him.]
Big Papa: Wait a minute. I've known Constantine for years.
Prison King: And he has never...
Danny Trejo: Ever...
Miss Poogy: Said "thank you".
Kermit: [slowly] Because, I am not Constantine.
Prison King: [furiously approaches Kermit] How dare you? [takes the crown back from him]
Miss Poogy: He's not Constantine!
Big Papa: Let's throw him in the recycling compacter!
[The inmates grab Kermit and pick him up, about to take him to the recycling compacter, everyone shouting at once.]
Miss Poogy: Yeah! Throw him in the compacter!
Kermit: But I'm already green!
Miss Poogy: Squash that frog!
[A stern voice calls out.]
Nadya: Put the frog down! [brandishing a taser gun] Or I will deploy.
[The inmates drop Kermit.]
Kermit: Listen, I'm telling you, you've got the wrong frog!
Nadya: If you are not Constantine, why do you have that mole?
Kermit: It's not real, someone glued it to my lip.
Nadya: [sarcastically] Sure, frog. Everyone is innocent in a gulag. As far as authorities are concerned, you are Constantine, glue or no glue.
Kermit: Who is this Constantine guy, anyway?
Nadya: Abandoned as tadpole by his mother, Constantine was adopted by the owner of Russia's largest bomb factory, which he subsequently blew up. He is world's foremost explosives expert and number one criminal.
Kermit: Well, listen, I can assure you I'm terrified of bombs. Especially on stage. [laughs]
Nadya: That was bad on two levels. Make yourself comfortable. You're going to be here a while.
Kermit: I wouldn't be so sure! My friends will be here soon!
Nadya: Now, lights out! [the lights are shut off; Nadya trips and crashes in the dark] Turn them back on, I can't see anything! [the lights turn back on; Nadya gets up and leaves] You have to wait 'til I'm like, out of the hallway! Figure of speech.
Miss Piggy: Excusez-moi, Kermie. Do you have a moment?
[Dominic gestures Constantine, who is busy evilly plotting, to Miss Piggy.]
Dominic: Kermit.
Miss Piggy: I just wanted to say that I accept your apology, and I am ready to put our little disagreement or whatever it was behind us. And perhaps, I was a little too eager about our wedding.
Constantine: [irritated] Pig, I have question. Am I wearing sign that says "BOTHER ME"?!?!
[Miss Piggy gasps and runs away in tears, with Foo-Foo angrily barking at Constantine. Dominic is not pleased.]
Dominic: What was that?!
Constantine: [turns to Dominic] Hm?
Dominic: What was that?!
Constantine: Uh... I was in the middle of evilly plotting. I do not like to be interrupted while evilly plotting.
Dominic: If we're to get away with this, you got to keep up appearances.
Constantine: I am keeping up appearances.
Dominic: If you want the Crown Jewels, stick to the plan. Do whatever the pig wants. Keep her happy, whatever she asks of you.
[Miss Piggy, having been yelled at by Constantine, is in a bad mood.]
Miss Piggy: Stupid frog. Stupid train!
[Constantine stands outside the doorway to Miss Piggy's room on the train.]
Miss Piggy: I don't want to talk to you, Kermit. [Constantine walks in] I said, I want you out!
Constantine: I don't think you know what you want.
Miss Piggy: Yeah, I do, I just told you, I want--
Constantine: [places his finger on Miss Piggy's lips] Shh. You're my lady. And I'm your man, baby. And that's why if you stick with me, I can get you what you want.
[In Teatro Alcázar, Constantine is practicing karate.]
Constantine: Hi-yah! [breaks a board in half]
[Scooter enters Constantine's room.]
Scooter: Okay, Kermit. Five minutes 'til showtime.
[Constantine sighs with annoyance as he sets up another board.]
Scooter: Uh... Kermit? [walks over to Constantine and taps him on the shoulder] Chief?
[Constantine angrily grabs Scooter, and flips him over. Dominic shows up.]
Constantine: Sorry.
Scooter: [gets up] Oh, uh, no problem, chief, uh... Uh, you comin'?
Constantine: [stubbornly] No! I refuse to perform. [Dominic is worried] Do show without me.
Dominic: Sorry. One second. [takes Constantine out of the room] Can I just have a quick word?
Constantine: No.
[Scooter watches as Dominic leaves with Constantine.]
Dominic: It's just, um...
Constantine: [annoyed] What?!
[Once the door is closed, Dominic and Constantine are heard talking behind it.]
Dominic: Okay, you have to go, Number One.
Constantine: No. You cannot make me go. You're the one who must go, Number Two.
[Scooter listens in on Dominic and Constantine's conversation. ]
Dominic: I can't go, I don't need to go! You're the one who needs to go, Number One!
Constantine: I have idea.
Dominic: What?
Constantine: We will both go together.
Dominic: That would look weird! I'm begging you. Go. Go, Number One!
Constantine: I cannot, not after what happened last time.
[Scooter, thinking they were talking about going to the bathroom, walks away from the door, confused and disgusted.]
Gonzo: The bulls are out of control! Who could have forseen this?!
Salma Hayek: Me. I did.
[Kermit tries to go in through the escape tunnel he has been digging in his cell, covered up by a poster of Miss Piggy, but as soon as he lifts the poster, he finds Nadya in the tunnel.]
Nadya: Stop digging escape tunnel, frog.
Kermit: How did you know?
Nadya: It's the first escape everyone tries.
[The next day, Kermit tries to escape the gulag, disguised as a woman with a laundry cart, but Kermit finds Nadya in the cart.]
Nadya: It's the second escape people try.
[This time, Kermit tries to escape by going down a toilet, and crawling through the plumbing system.]
Kermit: Oh, boy.
[Kermit comes out of another toilet, and finds Nadya sitting nearby, reading a newspaper.]
Nadya: Third way.
[Kermit screams.]
Nadya: Give up, frog. I have Netflix account with search keywords "prison escape". I have seen every prison escape movie ever made. Even the ones in space.
Kermit: [sighs] Yeah, well--[gasps when he spots a picture of the other Muppets with Dominic on the newspaper.] Hey, wait a second, that's them! That's my friends! What happened to 'em?!
[Nadya turns the newspaper over.]
Nadya: "Dominic Badguy: An interview with the brains behind the Muppet's triumphant comeback world tour."
Kermit: What?!
Nadya: It seems your friends do not need you anymore. They have forgotten you.
Kermit: [distraught] Oh, no, no, no, they... They wouldn't... They-they-they-- They couldn't... We're family.
Nadya: Family? No one believes in family in the gulag, frog. People are only ever out for themselves. [Kermit sighs] Listen, Kermit. We have annual lighthearted Gulag Revue coming up. It is that, or they riot. I thought you might help me.
Kermit: Uh, the thing is, Nadya, I'm sort of done doing that, but thanks for the offer.
Nadya: This is not offer, this is prison. You are going to help me. Rehearsals tomorrow, 4 AM, or I put you on the wall.
Kermit: "The wall"? Why would I be afraid of a wall?
[Outside, Nadya licks Kermit's back, and throws him to a frost-covered wall, sticking him to it. Several other prisoners are stuck on the wall, including Pops.]
Pops: Just direct the show. You'll never escape.
[Nadya approaches Kermit.]
Kermit: [whimpers nervously] What time did you say that rehearsal was?
[Nadya smiles and pulls Kermit off the wall.]
Kermit: Ouch!
[Fozzie is reading the newspaper while eating a sandwich.]
Fozzie: Hmm. Let's see here.
[A blob of guacamole falls out of his sandwich, and onto the picture of Constantine on the newspaper, covering his mole.]
Fozzie: Hmm. What's Kermit doing on the front of this newspaper? [he wipes the guacamole stain, revealing Constantine's mole; he screams with fright, then laughs]
[Walter runs up to Fozzie in a panic.]
Walter: Dominic's the bad guy, Dominic's the bad guy! Fozzie! Dominic's the reason we've been selling out our shows! He's been giving away tickets and bribing journalists to write great reviews!
Fozzie: [groans] Why didn't we ever think of doing that?
Walter: Huh?
Fozzie: I mean... That's terrible.
Walter: The question is, why? And could it have anything to do with why Kermit's acting... so weird lately?
Fozzie: [shows Walter the picture of Constantine on the newspaper] Hey, wanna see something funny?
Walter: [irritated] Yes, Constantine, the world's most dangerous frog. Fozzie, what does he have to do with what I just told you?
Fozzie: Nothing, but check this out. [places his finger on the picture of Constantine, covering his mole]
Walter: Oh, look, it's Kermit. [Fozzie removes his finger, revealing Constantine's mole; Walter screams with fright] What did you do with Kermit?!
[A horrifying realization hits Walter, punctuated by dramatic thunder and lightning.]
Walter: Wait a minute. Fozzie... What if Kermit has been replaced by this Constantine guy?
[Fozzie lifts up his finger as a lightbulb turns on behind him.]
Fozzie: Nah, that's impossible. We'd all notice! [the lightbulb turns off] Wouldn't we?
[Fozzie and Walter are at the door at Constantine's car. Walter knocks on the door.]
Walter: Kermit? [he opens the door] Are... Are you there? [he and Fozzie look around] Hello?
Fozzie: Kermit? Everything's fine, let's get out of here. [turns to leave only for Walter to stop him]
Walter: Wait!
Fozzie: Whoa!
Walter: We should look around.
[They go into Constantine's car. Fozzie looks into a briefcase, which is loaded with explosives.]
Fozzie: Huh. Kermit's got a big bomb collection.
[They find a blueprint, plotting a heist on the Irish National Bank.]
Fozzie: Looks like he's planning some sort of comedy heist bit.
Walter: I hope not. Those never work.
Fozzie: [nods with agreement] Hmm.
[They spot some green paint lying nearby.]
Walter: What's that? [he dips his finger in the green paint and looks at it; he gasps in horror] Oh, no.
Fozzie: What, what, what?
Walter: [shows the paint on his finger to Fozzie] Oh, no.
[Fozzie holds up the newspaper with Constantine's mugshot on it. Walter dabs the paint on Constantine's mole. The revelation hitting them at full force, Walter and Fozzie scream loud and long. Bystanders outside stop and stare at the two screaming Muppets before going back to their business.]
Fozzie: We gotta get out of here!
Walter: Yeah!
[Just as Fozzie and Walter are about to escape, they see Constantine in the room with them.]
Constantine: Not so fast.
Walter: [angry] Where's Kermit?!
Fozzie: [stammering with fear] What do you want?
Constantine: You have wocka'd your last wocka, bear.
[Constantine makes a karate pose, about to attack, but Animal drops down from the ceiling, knocking Constantine to the ground. Animal gets up.]
Animal: Bad frog.
Fozzie: Animal, oh, good boy! Yeah!
Walter: Great job!
[Walter gasps in horror, as he taps Fozzie to get his and Animal's attention. Constantine has gotten up. He turns to Walter, Fozzie, and Animal, revealing a set of sharp metal teeth in his mouth. Walter, Fozzie, and Animal scream. Walter sees a freight train passing by.]
Walter: Quick! On the freight train!
[Constantine snarls at Walter, Fozzie, and Animal as the three Muppets jump out of the tour train, landing in one of the freight train's cars.]
Fozzie: We gotta go back! Warn the others!
Walter: I tried. They didn't believe me. It's our word against his, and... well... he's fooled them all.
Fozzie: Should we go to the police?
Walter: We don't have any evidence! I feel terrible. I'm the one who talked Kermit into doing this tour in the first place.
Fozzie: I wish Kermit was here. He'd know what to do.
Walter: You're right. There's only one guy in this world who can save us. Only one frog who can restore order, bring justice, and set things right!
Fozzie: You are talking about Kermit, right?
Walter: Yes, Fozzie. Kermit.
[Constantine is knitting and grumbling to himself.]
Constantine: This is bad.
[Dominic walks in.]
Dominic: Oh. What's wrong? You only ever knit when you're stressed.
Constantine: The bear, the little guy, and their dog. They are onto us. They got away.
Dominic: How are we gonna spin this?
[Outside the Irish National Bank, Constantine breaks the news to the Muppets.]
Constantine: Comrades, I'm afraid I have bad news. Walter and Fonzie have quit the Muppets.
[The Muppets all gasp.]
Lew Zealand: Wait. You can quit the Muppets?
Rowlf: Wait a second. Walter quit the Muppets? We just did a whole movie where he joined the Muppets. [the Muppets all nod]
Janice: And I, like, totally cried when he joined the Muppets.
Floyd: Yeah, we sure spent a lot of time on it.
Rizzo: I'll say. Maybe even at the expense of other long-standing beloved Muppets. [sighs] Come on, Robin.
[Rizzo leaves, with Robin, Kermit's nephew, following behind him.]
Robin: [sighs] Coming.
Dominic: Can I be honest? The show will be better without them.
Statler: Couldn't get any worse!
[Statler and Waldorf laugh.]
Constantine: Well, as the old saying goes, the show must... continue. In a timely fashion.
Gonzo: Wait. Fozzie and Walter are part of our family. We can't let them go without a fight. Right, Kermit?
Constantine: I know this is hard, Gonzo. Walter and Fonzie were my best friends. But Dominic is right. We're better off without them.
Dominic: Exactly.
Link Hogthrob: Hmm. That's true.
Floyd: No, it ain't.
Link: No, it-- No, it ain't. It's not.
Miss Piggy: Kermit, are you sure you're okay?
Constantine: Yes, I'm fine, pig. I could never lose you. You complete me.
Miss Piggy: Oh, Kermie...
Sam: Did you see anything?
Jean: Not a thing. It is my lunch hour. It lasts six hours.
[Constantine walks on stage, interrupting Miss Piggy's performance of Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On".]
Constantine: Excuse me, uh, ladies and gentlemen! I have an announcement!
Miss Piggy: [confused and annoyed] What? Kermit... I'm in the middle of a song here.
Constantine: Miss Piggy. I have very important question for you.
Miss Piggy: Yeah? [Constantine kneels down] What are you doing?
Constantine: [reveals an engagement ring to Miss Piggy] Do you wish to become Mrs. Piggy, or rather, Mrs. The Frog?
[The crowd gasps.]
Miss Piggy: [excited] Oh, Kermie, I thought you'd never ask, I really thought you'd never ask!
Constantine: So, what do you say?
Dominic: [watching from backstage] It's beautiful.
Miss Piggy: [screams excitedly] Yes, yes! Oh, of course, yes! [Constantine puts the engagement ring on Miss Piggy] I can't believe this! After all this time, it was finally... just so easy!
Constantine: Hmm. [gets up, announcing to the crowd] That's right, folks, it's the Muppet wedding the world has been waiting for! We're putting our tour on hold...
[The other Muppets are shocked.]
Scooter: What?!
Constantine: ...to be married in two days' time, at the world's romantic location, the Tower of London.
[Miss Piggy gasps excitedly as the crowd applauds, and people take pictures of Constantine and Miss Piggy. Backstage, the other Muppets were shocked with this news.]
Scooter: Ooohhh, my gosh...
Gonzo: Kermit's really doing it, isn't he?
Camilla: [clucks with concern to Gonzo; subtitled] What about us, Gonzo?
Gonzo: I told you, when I'm a millionaire.
Camilla: Oh.
Gonzo: Again.
Constantine: [to the excited crowd] Yes, pictures now.
Miss Piggy: [admiring at the ring] Ah, this ring, it's so... [concerned] So black. It's a... little bit ominous, to tell the truth.
Constantine: It's a very rare black diamond. That ring is priceless - like you, my dear.
Miss Piggy: Oh, Kermie, you never said that to me bef... [confused] ...fore?
[Constantine pushes Miss Piggy forward as the audience keeps taking pictures of them.]
Miss Piggy: What's gotten into you?
Constantine: Love, my dear. Love.
Dominic: So... [Constantine gasps, startled] Secret phase three: Proposing to the pig.
Constantine: Agh, keep up, Number Two. In Tower of London, you cannot put on stupid variety show. But you can... get married. [shows Dominic a map of the Tower of London] You see, Blood's passageways are located directly below St. John's Chapel. I realize months ago, that our only chances of pulling this off... was a Muppet wedding.
The Newsman: Here's a Muppet newsflash. The years of waiting are over. The biggest "will they, won't they" of all times has been answered with a firm "they will". Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy are to be married! That's right, folks. They're finally tying the knot.
[A bull charges into the newsroom, knocking the Newsman over. The bull moos into the microphone.]
[Sam and Jean are at the crime scene at the Irish National Bank after it had been robbed. An officer is leading out a couple of crying leprechauns past Sam and Jean.]
Leprechaun #2: Well, at least they didn't get the pot of gold.
Leprechaun #1: [weeping loudly] No, they did not.
Sam: I have never been to a more ridiculous crime scene.
[Jean gasps. He has found a rubber chicken in a pot of gold. He picks up the chicken.]
Jean: The comedian bear, he was here.
Sam: [finds another lemur coin] The Lemur. He, too, was here. [he picks up the coin] Could the comedian bear and the Lemur be one and the same?
Jean: The comedian bear is the Lemur. That is brilliant.
Sam: But why would he steal a bunch of old bones?
Jean: The bones apparently belonged to one Colonel Thomas Blood. He was the only man to ever nearly steal the Crown Jewels of England.
Sam: Wait! Where did the frog say he was getting married?
Jean: [slowly realizing] The Tower of London...
Sam and Jean: [in unison] The comedian bear is planning on stealing--
Sam: [at the same time] --the Crown Jewels!
Jean: [at the same time] --the Tower of London-- The Crown Jewels.
[Sam groans as he facepalms, shaking his head.]
[In London...]
Scooter: Uh, hey, chief, uh...
Constantine: Hi-lo.
Scooter: We've all been thinking, and... well, uh... After you and Miss Piggy get married, what's gonna happen to the tour?
Gonzo: And to us?
Constantine: Well, now you guys have all the freedom you want. You don't need me. I'm done with Muppets. [the Muppets are shocked] But hey. It's been a good run, right? Hmm? Good luck.
[Constantine leaves. The Muppets are upset.]
Floyd: Kermit?
Rowlf: Did he just.... say what I thought he said?
Scooter: What are we gonna do without Kermit?
Floyd: The only thing we can do. Pack up, go to the wedding, and head back home.
[Walter, Fozzie, and Animal have arrived at the gulag. They are outside, talking with Kermit.]
Kermit: Hey, I can't believe you're here, it's so good to see you guys!
Fozzie: Kermit, listen. An evil frog named Constantine has taken over the Muppets and replaced you.
Kermit: What? Constantine replaced me?
Walter: Yeah! And he was working together with Dominic. They're planning something terrible. But we don't know what.
Kermit: But... How could you not have noticed that he'd replaced me, Fozzie?
Fozzie: He looked like you and he talked like you. Okay, he didn't talk that much like you, come to think of it, but he said he had a cold.
Animal: Animal know.
Kermit: "Animal know"?
Animal: Mmm-hmm.
Kermit: [annoyed] So, all this time I've been locked in a Russian gulag, no one, not one single person from the Muppets except Animal noticed I've been replaced by an evil criminal mastermind?!
Fozzie: It sounds worse than it was.
Walter: No. It's as bad as it sounds.
Kermit: I thought you guys had forgotten about me. That you didn't need me anymore.
Fozzie: We'd never forget about you.
Walter: We need you more than ever, Kermit.
Animal: Good frog.
[Suddenly, a woman pulls up in a van, carrying a stack of newspapers.]
Woman: Late extra! Late extra! Read all about it! Kermit and Miss Piggy to be married in London! [she throws the newspapers at the Muppets' feet; the Muppets are all horrified]
Walter: What?
Animal: Uh-oh.
Kermit: Piggy? Piggy's gonna marry the world's most dangerous frog, tomorrow? Piggy and the gang are in danger! To London! [rushes off]
[Walter, Fozzie, and Animal frantically call out to Kermit all at once.]
Walter: No! Kermit!
Fozzie: No, no, Kermit!
Animal: NO, KERMIT! NO!
[Kermit stops in his tracks when somebody fires bullets in his path.]
Kermit: Oh yeah. I forgot, I'm in a gulag. Sorry about that, Ivan!
Ivan: That's okay! No problem, Kermit! It's easy mistake!
Kermit: Right. Thanks for not shooting me.
Ivan: Sure, no prob-- Hey, nothing personal.
Kermit: And now, folks, the Great Escapo!
[The gulag staff applauds for the Great Escapo, who performs an escape artist trick by prying his neck free from a chain. He then tries to make a break out of the gulag.]
Nadya: Oh no, you don't. [zaps Escapo with her taser, causing him to fall down] Nice try, Escapo.
Kermit: I sure hope this works, Walter. I have tried a lot of ways to get out of here.
Walter: This is gonna work, Kermit. [Kermit nods and runs off] I'll see you on the outside
Kermit: Okay!
Walter: [to himself] I sure hope this works.
[Kermit rushes onstage.]
Kermit: Oh, thank you, thank you, everybody. And now, we're going underground. Working in the coal mine!
[The gulag staff cheers as the prisoners, dressed in miners' uniforms, performs the song "Working in the Coal Mine", with the Prison King singing lead. Once Walter gives the signal, the prisoners start breaking the floorboards with pickaxes and dig a hole in the ground. One by one, the prisoners escape through the hole. Once the song finishes, the Prison King escapes last. The gulag staff stands and applauds the performance as the curtains close on the scene. However, once the curtains open up, the coal mine setting is still there, and all the prisoners are nowhere in sight. Nadya is shocked.]
Nadya: Oh, no... [gets out of her seat and cries up to the ceiling, distraught] KERMIE!!!
Constantine: Ah, there you are. Well, don't just stand there gawping, Number Two.
Dominic: How did you do that?
Constantine: Do what?
[Fozzie is lying on the floor, disguised as a bearskin rug. Dominic accidentally steps on Fozzie's paw.]
Fozzie: Ow! I mean, nothing!
Constantine: [scoffs] Whatever. Let us take this convenient opportunity to review our plans, hmm? Once you've stolen the Crown Jewels and frame the Muppets, ring the bell five times and we will rendezvous on the roof.
Dominic: But what will you do when you're married? Because the pig will know everything.
Constantine: Phase four: I do not plan to be married for long.
Dominic: Yeah, but if you get divorced, you'll have to share the Crown Jewels with her, 50/50.
Constantine: I will not be getting divorced, you idiot. Once she's served her purpose, kaboom. It will be bacon for breakfast. [laughs evilly]
Delivery man: Champagne fridge delivery, for Mr... the Frog.
Constantine: Ah, yes, eh... Put it over there on the bearskin rug.
[Fozzie whimpers with worry as the delivery men approach with the fridge. The men set the fridge down on Fozzie, making him yell in pain.]
Constantine: Thank you! It's show time.
[At the wedding, Miss Piggy is shocked to see both Kermit and Constantine standing before her.]
Scooter: Two Kermits?! Well, that explains a lot.
Miss Piggy: How can there be two Kermits?! Of all the ways to ruin a wedding, this has got to be the most creative. Two Kermits.
Kermit: No, just one Kermit. Me.
Constantine: No, no, no, no. Do not listen to him. I am the real Kermit.
Kermit: That's ridiculous! I am Kermit the Frog!
Constantine: No, I am Kermit the Frog!
Kermit: I have always been--
Constantine: Hi-lo, Kermit the Frog here.
Kermit: "Hi-lo"?! It's "Hi-ho!"
Miss Piggy: [fed up] Would every Kermit be QUIET?! [the two frogs turn to Miss Piggy] Well, there's only one true way to settle this. [to Constantine] First Kermit. Will you marry me?
Constantine: Yes, of course, let's go, the helicopter is waiting, my love!
Miss Piggy: [to the real Kermit] And you, the other Kermit... Will you marry me?
Kermit: [nervously stammering] Well, I mean, I... I would, I mean, I... I could, it's not-- It's not...
Miss Piggy: [gasps excitedly] That's my Kermit!
[Miss Piggy jumps on the real Kermit, knocking him down to the floor, kissing him. The crowd applauds.]
Dr. Teeth: That's our frog!
Miss Piggy: Kissy-kissy!
Kermit: [laughs] Yeah. Yeah, thanks.
Hobo Joe: [sitting inbetween the two Muppet hobos] This hobo believes in love again.
[Hobo Joe kisses the hobo to the left of him, then turns to the second hobo.]
Muppet hobo #2: What are you doin' over there? [Hobo Joe kisses him too]
[Constantine hears Dominic ring the bell. He nods, and wipes the paint off his face, revealing his mole for all to see. Everyone gasps in horror now that the real Constantine is revealed.]
Constantine: That is right, MUPPETS! I... am CONSTANTINE... [everyone gasps] the world's most dangerous frog and number one criminal, and a thousand times more frog than this Kermit person! [the crowd murmurs with fear] And now... I have only one thing to say to you FOOLS! [reveals a detonator] Good night, folks! [activates the detonator] YAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!
[The crowd clamors with terror.]
Scooter: What is that?!
Kermit: [horrified] IT'S A BOMB!!!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: This is where my patented magnetic bomb-attractor vest can aid us, that Beaker is conveniently wearing.
[Bunsen activates the vest as Beaker yelps with fright. The ring on Miss Piggy's finger, which has a timer counting down on it, starts vibrating.]
Miss Piggy: What? What's going on?
[Miss Piggy cries out as she flies over to Beaker, her ring being stuck to his vest.]
Kermit: Wait! Miss Piggy's ring is the bomb!
[Kermit jumps forward, as Beaker swings Miss Piggy.]
Miss Piggy: Whoaaaa!
Kermit: Some of guys grab Piggy, and some of you guys grab me. Pull!
[The Muppets pull on Kermit and Miss Piggy with all their might, until Miss Piggy's finger is released from the ring. Beaker is sent flying through the air, screaming, with the ring still stuck to his vest, crashing through the church window.]
Minister: That's only 800 years old.
[Beaker crash lands in the River Thames. The bomb explodes underwater, sending Beaker flying up in a fountain of water.]
[Constantine is holding Miss Piggy hostage, and taking her to his helicopter.]
Constantine: Shut up and keep moving, pig! You are my insurance policy!
[Constantine opens the door to his helicopter, and finds Dominic wearing a lemur suit, having stolen the Crown Jewels by himself.]
Constantine: Number Two, you look ridiculous. Why are you wearing that?
Dominic: Because I am the Lemur, and the world's new number one criminal. That's right. This is where I double-cross you.
Constantine: First rule of double-cross. You don't announce the double-cross before you double-cross. It's not even a rule because it is so obvious.
[Constantine presses a button, ejecting Dominic out of the helicopter. Dominic screams as he is flung out.]
Constantine: The Lemur is literally the worst bad guy name I have ever heard!
Constantine: [aiming a gun at Kermit] Welcome aboard, Kermit. You don't know who you're dealing with. I am the world's most dangerous frog.
Miss Piggy: [breaks free of her restraints] Oh, brother! You may be the world's most dangerous frog, but you're still a frog!
[She grabs Constantine by the legs, knocking him down, before she slams his body back and forth on the helicopter.]
Miss Piggy: NO! ONE! TRICKS! ME! INTO! MARRYING! THEM! AND! THEN! HURTS! MY! KERMIE!
[Constantine slides down the window, and gets up dazed.]
Constantine: What a woman.
Kermit: Yeah. My woman. [holding his fake mole] And I believe this belongs to you.
[He smacks the fake mole on Constantine's right cheek, giving him two moles. Constantine faints.]
Kermit: [to Miss Piggy] I'm so sorry I ruined your wedding.
Miss Piggy: [hugs Kermit] Oh, Kermie... I'm so glad you did.
[Kermit and Miss Piggy kiss.]
Kermit: Uh... So, uh... How do we land this thing, huh?
Miss Piggy: Oh, that's easy. [presses the autopilot button, causing the helicopter to land]
Rowlf: Okay. Can we get down now?
Sam: Congratulations, weirdos. You've saved the Crown Jewels.
Jean: And you've caught my nemesis, the Lemur. Look at his little costume, that's adorable.
Dominic: I'm not adorable.
Sam: He is adorable.
Constantine: You're adorable! Did you make that kitty-cat outfit?
Rowlf: The bad guy is Dominic Badguy! [the Muppets gasp in the theatrical version, but murmur with agreement in the extended version]
Gonzo: It's pronounced "Bad-gee".
Jean: Well, mon ami, I guess this is where we say goodbye. You go your way, and I go mine. [starts crying] Here comes the rain. Oh, boy. And I said I wasn't going to do this.
Sam: Oh, pull yourself together, man, stop crying. We're only saying our final... [becomes emotional] farewell. Goodbye... forever!
[The two hug each other as they cry.]
Jean: I'm going to miss you so much!
Sam: I'm going to miss you, my French friend.
Jean: [stops crying] Whenever you're ready. [he and Sam stop hugging] Yes. Of course. Take them away!
Sam: Take them away!
Dominic: Thank you. [he and Constantine are led away by the guards]
Jean: Au revoir, Muppets.
[The Muppets all say goodbye to Jean.]
Jean: Sam? Sam, wait for me! [runs after Sam]
Dominic: Since I stole the Crown Jewels, guess I'm Number One now.
Constantine: But we're going to jail.
Dominic: Doesn't matter, still counts, still stole them.
Constantine: Ah, who cares, who cares?
Dominic: [sings mockingly] I'm Number One, you're Number Two...
Constantine: Shut up! That's my song!
Kermit: [sighs] You know... I missed all of you so much.
[Suddenly, the gulag guards enter.]
Nadya: There he is, right there! Arrest him! Arrest that frog!
Kermit: Nadya? Wait, for what?
Nadya: For leading the largest mass break-out in gulag history. [Kermit whimpers] You will get 30 years. Maybe 50.
Kermit: But...
Nadya: No "buts", Kermit. You didn't finish Gulag Annual Revue, and you didn't even say goodbye.
Kermit: What?
Miss Piggy: What?!
Nadya: You are coming with me. Now, move!
[The guards apprehend Kermit.]
Kermit: Uh, fellas, listen. Easy.
Miss Piggy: No, no, no! Kermit!
Walter: Wait! [steps up] We're sorry, Kermit. We're sorry that we didn't notice you were missing. We're sorry we didn't tell you often enough how much you mean to us. We're sorry we ever took you for granted. But... that's never going to happen again. Because... if Kermit has to go back to the gulag... [holds his hands out] You'll have to take me too.
Kermit: [shakes his head] No.
Fozzie: You're my best friend, Kermit. Wherever you go, I go. You'll have to take me too.
Gonzo: And me. Kermit, we convinced ourselves that evil frog was you because he gave us what we thought he wanted.
Rowlf: When what we really wanted...
Scooter: What we really needed...
Miss Piggy: Was you, Kermit. The actual real you.
[Nadya looks at the Muppets.]
Nadya: It would appear you were right, Kermit. I guess this is your family. And families belong together. You are free to go. Forever.
[The guards let Kermit go. The Muppets rejoice.]
Fozzie: Kermit, did you hear that? We're free!
Kermit: Nadya, thank you! Great! That's wonderful! [the gulag guards start to leave] Uh, uh, wait! [the gulag guards stop; to the Muppets] Hey, guys, listen. We still have to finish our world tour. And I know where we need to play next. For one night only, Siberia, Russia!
[The Muppets all clamor excitedly as Nadya becomes excited, too.]
Miss Piggy: Yes, yes, I'll pack my swimsuit right away!
Nadya: [runs up to the Muppets] Oh! Oh, wonderful! It's terrible. You will hate it. You will hate it.
[last lines of the movie]
Kermit: Okay, Nadya, this is it. Your solo.
[Nadya confidently steps forward, about to sing, but before she can, the movie ends.]
Nadya: [angrily] KERMIT!!!
[last lines; post-credit scene]
Fozzie: You can go home now, Ma. The movie's over.

Taglines

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  • Taking the world by farce.
  • 2 Frogs 1 Pig Epic Mayhem

Cast

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Muppet performers

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Wikipedia
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