Mystery, Alaska

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Mystery, Alaska is a 1999 comedy-drama film directed by Jay Roach and starring Russell Crowe, Hank Azaria, Mary McCormick, Lolita Davidovich, Ron Eldard, Colm Meany, Maury Chaykin and Burt Reynolds about a fictional small-town ice hockey team that plays a game against the New York Rangers of the National Hockey League.

A Small Town on the Outskirts of Greatness.taglines

Judge Walter Burns[edit]

  • Mr. Pruitt, I don't want to hear about Price World, and I don't want to hear another word about a hockey game. We talked about that.


  • Forgive me, your honor. I'm fat.
  • Big doings we got here in Mystery. Price World wants to come here, and now the New York Rangers want to come.


Matt: I play hockey and I fornicate, because those are the two most fun things to do in cold weather.

Donnie: This is hockey, okay? It's not rocket surgery.

Sarah: Mother walrus going "Thwap, thwap, thwap"?
Matt: What?
Sarah: You want to hear a "Thwap"?
[Heinz hits Skank with a shovel]

[Mr. Walsh is shot]
John: You okay?
Mr. Walsh: No, I'm not okay! Do I look okay? The fucker shot me! What the fuck-ass fuck of a bum-fuck shithole town is this? I make a business call. I give him my card. And the hick-ass fucker shoots my foot off! Cock-fucking shit!

Janice: It's a Rockwellian Christmas up here. Skating. Barbecues. Snow. We're here with defenseman Matt Marden, and... cut!
Charles: What?
Janice: I can't feel my fingers.
Matt: You need to rub them on a nice, warm Yuletide log.
Janice: I beg your pardon?
Matt: Look, Christmas is a lonely day for a guy to be choking his own chicken. And as women reporters go, I find you supple.
Janice: Oh, that was lovely. It's a shame we weren't rolling for that.
Charles: I'm sure he'd be happy to repeat it.
Matt: [laughing] You need to relax!
Janice: Charles!
Matt: Do you like massages?
[Skank leans over, bursting into laughter again]

Donnie: Hey, you know where a guy can get a rub and a tug around here?

John Bebe: Women don't like being referred to as fat mammals, Skank.
Matt Marden: I never would've said that to her face!

Reporter: Did you see your daddy out there?
Joey: I have a toy pony, he takes big shits.

Bailey: [questioning a witness in court] You don't like our little town very much. Do you, Mr. Walsh?
Mr. Walsh: I have nothing against your town, Mr. Pruitt.
Bailey: Did you say, "What the fuck-ass fuck of a bum-fuck shithole town is this?"

[John is jealous after seeing his wife and Charles Danner laughing together in the stands, while John was busy trying to coach the team. Donna doesn't understand why he's upset]
Donna: John?
John: You've been smiling a lot lately.
Donna: [smiling, still puzzled] Excuse me?
John: Ever since he came back, Charlie. You been smiling a little more.
Donna: [finally understanding] John, that was high school.
[he walks a few steps, kicking the snow to reveal the frozen pond below. Then he kicks at the ice again and speaks metaphorically]
John: This is not a pond!

Scott: And we're getting a Zamboni, Donna.
Donna: A Zamboni? Wow, I'm getting wet just thinking about it.
Scott: Jesus Christ!
[walks away]

Donna: Every ex-player turned coach says that they prefer coaching over playing. Why would they all say that?
John: Because they can't play.

Walter: Hi, what's wrong.
Joanne: Uh, Walter, get out. This is private.
Walter: I'm entitled to know what's going on under this roof. After all, I am the father of this child...
Joanne: Walter, if you don't leave, I *swear* I'll tell you.
Walter: [pause] Right.


  • A Small Town on the Outskirts of Greatness.


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