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- Oh okay, so we're definitely not just taking off clothes then, gotcha'.
- The door's locked! McGinty, you clever dog!
- If any teachers ask where Eric went, tell them that three grown-ups took him off the playground to teach him a lesson about sticking his finger in things.
- Sorry I'm late, everybody. My science teacher says my thesis needs to prove something... but I think listing all the dinosaurs proves there was a lot of dinosaurs.
- Looks like we've got a long night of cocaine ahead of us.
- We're keeping evidence from the police, okay? We could go to jail! You know what happens in jail? No T.V.!
- Goodnight sweet hobo. May your bindle be heavy with treasures, but your heart be light with song.
- Decorative pillows? What is this, the White House?
- Paper plates? Are you expecting the pope?
- Frank! Sometimes I wish you didn't beat that cancer. I really do.
- There's something fishy going on down at the sardine factory! I think it's fish!
- When I was fifteen years old, when I got this job, I said to myself, "I am going to work here until the day that I kill myself."
- Hey! Are you squeezing that bread? We had a deal! We had a deal you fucking animal! What the f...ah dude, did you fuck this bread? You fucked the shit out of this bread. You don't fuck bread. Every fucking thing!
- You remind me a little of me. You know what I'm going to call you from now on, "Little Me". I just came up with that right now.
- Paying you in advance, buddy!
- Jason: She's really something, it's just... I'm no good with girls.
- Frank: Oh, you're whipped! [imitates whipping]
- Jim: [interrupting] Frank! Sometimes I wish you didn't beat that cancer. I really do.
- Kelly: [holding the ring] Where did you find this?
- Jason: It's a long story.
- Charlie: No, it's not. A stripper peed it into a toilet.
- Jason: Ah! Cinnamon sticks!
- Charlie: Ah! Chinese checkers!
- Duncan: Fuck! Yeah, that's right. I've been saying "fuck". Going in the backyard and trying it out.
- Duncan: Honestly, this is breaking and entering, okay? It's illegal.
- Jason: But, it's for justice, so it's legal again.
- Duncan: Our most consistent customer has Alzheimer's!
- Jason: Mrs. Kimmel does not have Alzheimer's!
- Duncan: She bakes fifty pies a day for her dead husband. Most of the pies are filled with soap.
- Jason: We are mature and legitimate detectives.
- Kelly: What the hell is that smell?
- Duncan: I drank dog urine.
- Donald Glover - Jason Rogers
- DC Pierson - Duncan Wheeler
- Dominic Dierkes - Charlie Day
- Aubrey Plaza - Kelly Peters
- Glenn Kalison - Robert Finney
- Peter Saati - Leroy Maddox
- Ellie Kemper - Jamie
- Matt Walsh - Jim
- Bobby Moynihan - Jordy
- Daphne Ciccarelle - Brianna Peters
- John Lutz - Frank
- Jon Daly - Greg Coleman
- Neil Casey - Broken Man