Napoleon Dynamite (TV series)

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Napoleon Dynamite is an American animated sitcom based on the 2004 indie film of the same name.

Thundercone (Episode 1)[edit]

Napoleon: You better not eat that breast, Kip.
Kip: Try and stop me, Napoleon.
Napoleon: [quickly picks up a biscuit, threatening to throw it at him] You do, you die.
Kip: What?
Napoleon: You do, you die. I'm sick of you always taking my stuff, Kip.
Kip: Name three times in chronological order.
[Napoleon enters the living room with zits on his forehead as Kip and Carlinda gasp at him]
Napoleon: What?
Grandma Carlinda: Holy crap! What happened to your forehead?!
Napoleon: Kip hucked some chicken skin at me, and it gave me a butt load of zits. He's always disrespecting me 'cause he's jealous of my sweet body. [squashes a fly on his chest, killing it]
Grandma Carlinda: [disgusted] Napoleon, your face is making me sick. Go into the bathroom and pop those things.
Napoleon: I already tried. They're not ready yet. [tries popping one on his forehead] See?
Grandma Carlinda: You're not doing it right. Get over here. [smacks Kip in the back of his head]
Kip: Jeez!
[Napoleon sits down and Carlinda starts trying to pop the zits]
Grandma Carlinda: [in unison] Hold still. Hold still!
Napoleon: [in unison] Ow, ow! Stop! It kills! Dang it!
Grandma Carlinda: Well, the roots are too deep. They're digging into the skull.
Napoleon: I told you they weren't ready.
Kip: Try stabbing it with a blade.
Grandma Carlinda: Good idea, Kipper. [takes out her knife as Kip uses a lighter, flaming the blade]
Napoleon: [runs out of the house in his underwear and bear slippers] You guys are idiots!
[Preston High School; Napoleon is in the boys bathroom, about to put the Rack-U-Tane cream on his forehead zits]
Napoleon: [reading the instructions on the tube] "WARNING: Physical side-effects include: bad breath, B.O., lust, increased pain threshold, and fits of unbridled rage." Yeah, right.
Napoleon: What's that over there?
Rex: I'll answer that question in seven years…when you're ready.
Napoleon: Come on, tell me.
Rex: Oh, all right. That's the Thundercone.
[Thunder rumbles and lightning flashes]
Pedro: I've heard people die there, like 20 times a day.
Napoleon: Sweet!
[Napoleon is searching for his Rack-U-Tane somewhere in his bedroom]
Napoleon: Pedro, I can't find my Rack-U-Tane anywhere! There's no way I can fight without it!
Pedro: Oh, well. At least your skin is clear.
Kip: [enters the room] What are you still doing here, Napoleon? I thought you had a big fight to impress the woman you stole from me.
Napoleon: She has a name, Kip. I just don't know what it is.
[Doorbell rings]
Kip: Oh. That must be the ride I arranged for you.
Rex: [pounding on the door from outside] DYNAMITE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
Napoleon: Oh, man! It's Rex! Pedro, tell him I have diarrhea! [quickly hides under his bed]
Kip: He's right here, Rex. Hiding under his bed.
Napoleon: Kip, shut up!
Rex: [pulls Napoleon out from under the bed] Nobody turns their back on the Thundercone! You're gonna fight whether you want to or not! [drags Napoleon out of his room by the legs]
Pedro: Be careful. He has diarrhea.
Napoleon: Kip, this is gonna be the easiest fight of my life.
Kip: [takes out the Rack-U-Tane] Is it, Napoleon?
Napoleon: You stole my Rack-U-Tane!
Kip: You stole my Misty!
Misty: I love when guys fight over me.
Deb: Yeah, me too.
Napoleon: Screw you, Kip!
Kip: All right. But first, let me unscrew the cap on this tube.
Napoleon: I am SO gonna apply my skills to beat you!
Kip: Perhaps. Right after I apply the last of this rage cream to my face.
Napoleon: Quit cleverly twisting my words!
Misty: Stop talking, start punching!
Kip: Prepare to be humiliated in front of Misty.
[The angry mob chases after Napoleon and Kip after they escape the Thundercone]
Napoleon: Thanks, Kip. I couldn't have chickened out with a better guy.
Kip: Can we make up later? I can't run and talk at the same time.
Rex: Kill 'em, honey bunch!
Misty: I love you, Starla!

Scantronica Love (Episode 2)[edit]

Scantronica 3000: Summer and Pedro.
Pedro: [romantically] ¡Hijole!
Summer: [shocked] What?!
Don: [dismayed] NO!

Ligertown (Episode 3)[edit]

Napoleon: So, Pedro, the other day, I found like, a scientist's secret diary, and it said if you burp, sneeze, fart, and yawn at the same time, you explode.
Pedro: Science is amazing.
Kip: B.S., Napoleon, scientists don't keep diaries. They have logs. Secondly, I know two people who have snee-furped and lived to blog about it.
Napoleon: Well, they're liars! All the air leaving your body would create a super-vacuum and turn you into an upside-down blood fountain. GOSH!
Rico: [driving by in his van] This is the dumbest argument I have ever heard. Let's try it and see who's right.
Pedro: The root beer has reached the cabbage. I think we're a go.
Rico: Initiating pepper cloud.
Kip: Any last words, Napoleon?
Napoleon: Pedro, if I die, a hawk sprinkle on my ashes in Bear Lake.
Pedro: As you wish.
Kip: Snee-furp in 3, 2, and 1.
[Napoleon groans and grunts as his stomach rumbles and passes wind, launching himself into the sky]
Grandma Carlinda: [coming out of the house] Have you boys seen my cabbage? Oh, there it is! [takes a bite of the cabbage] What you idiots looking at?
Napoleon: [falling from the sky] Get out of the way! Get out of the way! [lands on Carlinda, breaking the picnic table]
Grandma Carlinda: [grunting] Get off of me! [coughs] Oh.
Napoleon: [gets up] Sorry I didn't explode, guys. I totally forgot to yawn.
Kip: Are you okay, Grandma?
Grandma Carlinda: No, I'm not okay! Your dingbat brother just broke my transition lenses!
Rico: Boy, you really done it now. A good pair of photo-grays will set you back $28. And that's without the croakies!
Napoleon: $28?! I'll never have that kind of money!
Rico: Now, Carlinda, I keep telling you, these nephews of mine need to get a job! [Carlinda annoyingly smacks him in the back of his head] Ow!
Grandma Carlinda: Don't tell me how to raise my boys! Napoleon, you're getting a job to pay for these.
Napoleon: What about Kip?
Grandma Carlinda: Kip's too frail for today's modern workplace. Besides, he's gonna be my eyes. I can't see a thing.
Napoleon: Why can't I be your eyes?
Kip: Because I'm way better describing stuff. Like how I always say a baby's hand looks like a starfish.
Rico: Whoa. That is dead-on accurate, Kipper.
Napoleon: [running past his house, calling his grandma through the window] Hey, Grandma, I just got a sweet new job! [to Kip] Kip, you suck!
Kip: Well, that was uncalled for. [closes the blinds]
Napoleon: These are ligers? I should've picked prison snitch. [A woodpecker pecks on his forehead] What have you done to the ligers? They're so peaceful and decroded!
Napoleon: [after the mama liger gives birth to a liger cub] I'm not fainting about this. I'm fainting about something else.

Pedro vs. Deb (Episode 4)[edit]

Pedro: I'm not sitting with her.
Deb: And I'm not sitting with him.
Napoleon: [sighs] I hate sitting alone.

Bed Races (Episode 5)[edit]

Napoleon: Kip! There's no monsters! Turn the light off! [A truck horn blares and he sits up, seeing a truck driving towards him] TRUCK!!!
Napoleon: [disgusted by Rico's suit] You look like a garbage bag full of chicken wings!
Chef: [holding out a plate with a sandwich] Rico, I made a special sandwich, named it after you.
Rico: Really? What's it called?
Chef: The Rico.
Rico: Hey, that's my name!
Chef: It's got crawfish, peanuts, and strawberries.
Napoleon: Aren't you allergic to all those things?
Rico: Yeah, but how often do you get a sandwich named after you? [takes a bite of the sandwich and his face swells up; muffled] Delicious. Such an honor.
Napoleon: We need to talk, without any broads around. [To Candy] No offense, my lady.
Rico: Here's the key to the snack bar. Go get yourself a "Tobleroney."
[Candy gets up and walks to the snack bar]
Napoleon: And a box of Dots! [To Rico] Rico, I'm kind of feeling guilty. We need to tell Grandma we cheated.
Rico: Oh, no, we don't. You like not paying for your dragon figurines?
Napoleon: Uh-huh.
Rico: You enjoy roaming the halls at school like an escaped gorilla at the zoo?
Napoleon: Heck, yes, I do.
Rico: Then best you keep your mouth shut.
Napoleon: But, I'm worried about Grandma! I think her brain is broken.
Rico: What about your Uncle Rico? This is the happiest I've ever been! Look at me, with a girl in a movie theater on a Saturday night. I'm like the goll-dang president!
Candy: [To Napoleon] I'm sorry, did you say Dots or Duds?
Napoleon: "Dots!" Geez!
Rico: I'm serious, Napoleon. The town even wants to put one of them bush statues of me in the Garden of Fame. Please don't take all this away from me. I don't wanna die alone in that van.
Napoleon: Fine! Forget I asked!
Candy: [returns and mistakenly gives Napoleon a box of Dots] Here's your Duds.
[Napoleon annoyingly groans loudly and leaves the theater, fuming]
Napoleon: [wakes up, startled] That was close. I almost had a bad dream. [takes a napkin from the dispenser and wipes his face]
Napkin Dispenser: All the napkins in the world can't wipe the guilt off your face, Napoleon.
Napoleon: Wha…?
Dragon Figurine: He's right, Napoleon. You cheated your grandma.
Napkin Dispenser: The dragon and I don't agree on much, but we agree on this.
Napoleon: You guys can talk?
Ink Cartridge: All your ill-gotten gains can talk.
Napkin Dispenser: Ill-gotten gains lead to gain-gotten ills.
Napoleon: Uh-huh. Wait, what?
Napoleon Hall Pass: If you spent more time in class and less time in the hall, you'd understand.
Napoleon's Bed: [roars] You've peed on me countless times and I've always pretended not to notice, but this I can't ignore!
Napoleon: Why aren't you haunting Uncle Rico?!
Napoleon's Bed: He doesn't have a conscience. Or a bed. You've got to tell the truth! Admit your deceit!
Napoleon: And if I don't?
Napoleon's Bed: Oh, that DOES it!
Napkin Dispenser: Stop it, bed! You're going too far!
Dragon Figurine: Yes, you said there'd be no killing.
Napoleon's Bed: I said lots of things!
Napoleon: [wakes up, surprised and sweating] I did have a bad dream! [takes a napkin from the dispenser that says: "DO THE RIGHT THING!" and another that says: "ORDER MORE NAPKINS NOW!"]
Napkin Dispenser: Tell her!
Napoleon: You can't talk, I'm awake.
Napkin Dispenser: You're daydreaming. Now snap out of it and tell her!
Napoleon: Grandma, I can't take it anymore! Rico and I cheated! You should've won that race!
Grandma Carlinda: What are you saying?
Napoleon: I'm saying, Rico and I cheated. You should've won that race!
Grandma Carlinda: I knew I wasn't an old lady. To the Garden of Fame!
Napoleon: How are we gonna get there? You gave your car to the Lord.
Grandma Carlinda: I know something faster than a car.
Rico: Oh, man, I wouldn't want to be whoever she's mad at.
Grandma Carlinda: [fiercly] Rico!
Rico: [gasps; nervously] Now, Carlinda, I can explain.
Grandma Carlinda: Get your head in here.
Rico: Yes, ma'am. [puts his head under her arm]
Grandma Carlinda: I believe you have something to tell my fans. [lowers down the microphone to him]
Rico: [talks into the microphone; to the crowd] After giving it much thought, I've decided I can no longer go on with this charade. I cheated in the bed race.
[The crowd gasps in shock at hearing this]
Mayor: Rico, [sticks out his hand] give back your key to the city.
[Rico takes out his keychain from his pocket and struggles to get the city key out and sadly hands it over]
Rico: Carlinda, if there's any way I can ever make up for my despicable, yet clever behavior…
Grandma Carlinda: You can help me un-donate me car. Kip, you got my bolt cutters?
Kip: You know it, G.
Grandma Carlinda: To the convent!
[They drive off in Rico's van as the sun sets]
Rico: All right, what's the plan?
Napoleon: Okay, I'll distract Jesus and you guys steal the car.
Pedro: [unsure] I'm not comfortable stealing from Señor Jesus.
Rico: Sorry, Pedro. You're up your pretty little neck in this.
Pedro: Oy.

FFA (Episode 6)[edit]

Napoleon: What are you doing here, Filson? I thought you graduated.
Filson: Nope, failed English.
[The FFA students gasp]
Napoleon: But you're great at English.
Filson: Is I, Napoleon? Is I?
Napoleon: You failed on purpose!
Filson: You didn't think I was gonna let you have all the glory and the women, did you?
Napoleon: You don't care about the FFA, Filson.
[Rico's van parks in front of a family's house window of the dining room]
Grandma Carlinda: Rico, what are you doing?! I wanna watch TV!
Rico: When you live in a van, the whole world is your personal television set.
Grandma Carlinda: I do love my trashy family dramas.
Rico: Well, enjoy the latest episode of "329 Oneida Street." [turns on the radio for background music as the family eat dinner at the table from inside the house] Okay, let me get you caught up. Last week, that girl there, she crashed her daddy's Miata into a Cheesecake Factory.
Kip: That's not good.
Rico: And the mama thinks her husband's cheating on her, but he's just being secretive 'cause he's planning her birthday party. Oh, also, he's cheating on her.
Grandma Carlinda: [as the father sees them and gets up from the table, walking to the front door] This is my kind of show.
Father: [angrily walks out of the house towards the van] Hey! You in the van!
Rico: Uh-oh. Uh, I'll be back after this short break.
Father: I told you to take your peeping eyes elsewhere! [mistakenly grabs Kip but the shirt collar, pulls him out of the van, and starts beating him up]
Kip: [getting beaten up while Carlinda watches] My blouse! Ouch! Jeez!
Napoleon: Your Majesty? [looks down in the hole, and finds some romantic items in there; reads the note] "Close your eyes and make a wish. Love, your Queen." [closes his eyes and a hand touches him on the shoulder] Nicole! [opens his eyes and turns around to see…] Pedro?!
Pedro: [unhappy] I thought you were putting things on hold. You lied to me, Napoleon.
Napoleon: I don't care. Get out of here. I'm about to have a secret dinner with my woman.
Pedro: In a hole?
Napoleon: It's not a hole. It's our love dungeon.
Pedro: Well, I don't think she loves you. Look, [picks up the fruit basket] her apples are fake.
Napoleon: Don't worry, Pedro. She'll be back.
Pedro: You're crazy, Napoleon! Even the earthworms are laughing at us! [Two earthworms giggle at them] You begged me to come, Napoleon. You said we were going to be a team and rob banks!
Napoleon: Well, you're a freaking crappy teammate! Curtis never would've let this happen to me! He knew how to bridle my passions.
Pedro: Well, I'm not Curtis. I'm Pedro Montoya Carlos Sanchez and you have shamed and betrayed me! [spits dirt dust in Napoleon's face]
Napoleon: I don't care how many names you have! You're dead!
Rico: [wakes up, sensing trouble] Hey, sounds like Napoleon's in trouble! Man, I love my wolf ear.
Kip: Hey, Uncle Rico, it still smells kinda poison-y in the house. Would it be okay if we stay one more night?
[Rico smiles, believing it's okay]
Rico: Okay, Napoleon. Last week, the father got arrested for beating up a Peeping Tom, who in a hilarious twist turned out to be Kip!
Napoleon: That daughter's pretty hot.
Grandma Carlinda: Not for long if she keeps eating meatloaf like that!
Napoleon: Rude.

External links[edit]

Wikipedia
Wikipedia
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