Napoleon Dynamite (TV series)

From Wikiquote
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Napoleon Dynamite is an American animated sitcom based on the 2004 indie film of the same name.

Thundercone (Episode 1)[edit]

Napoleon: You better not eat that breast, Kip.
Kip: Try and stop me, Napoleon.
Napoleon: [quickly picks up a biscuit, threatening to throw it at him] You do, you die.
Kip: What?
Napoleon: You do, you die. I'm sick of you always taking my stuff, Kip.
Kip: Name three times in chronological order.

[Napoleon enters the living room with zits on his forehead as Kip and Carlinda gasp at him]
Napoleon: What?
Grandma Carlinda: Holy crap! What happened to your forehead?!
Napoleon: Kip hucked some chicken skin at me, and it gave me a butt load of zits. He's always disrespecting me 'cause he's jealous of my sweet body. [squashes a fly on his chest, killing it]
Grandma Carlinda: [disgusted] Napoleon, your face is making me sick. Go into the bathroom and pop those things.
Napoleon: I already tried. They're not ready yet. [tries popping one on his forehead] See?
Grandma Carlinda: You're not doing it right. Get over here. [smacks Kip in the back of his head]
Kip: Jeez!
[Napoleon sits down and Carlinda starts trying to pop the zits]
Grandma Carlinda: [in unison] Hold still. Hold still!
Napoleon: [in unison] Ow, ow! Stop! It kills! Dang it!
Grandma Carlinda: Well, the roots are too deep. They're digging into the skull.
Napoleon: I told you they weren't ready.
Kip: Try stabbing it with a blade.
Grandma Carlinda: Good idea, Kipper. [takes out her knife as Kip uses a lighter, flaming the blade]
Napoleon: [runs out of the house in his underwear and bear slippers] You guys are idiots!

[Preston High School; Napoleon is in the boys bathroom, about to put the Rack-U-Tane cream on his forehead zits]
Napoleon: [reading the instructions on the tube] "WARNING: Physical side-effects include: bad breath, B.O., lust, increased pain threshold, and fits of unbridled rage." Yeah, right.

Napoleon: What's that over there?
Rex: I'll answer that question in seven years…when you're ready.
Napoleon: Come on, tell me.
Rex: Oh, all right. That's the Thundercone.
[Thunder rumbles and lightning flashes]
Pedro: I've heard people die there, like 20 times a day.
Napoleon: Sweet!

[Napoleon is searching for his Rack-U-Tane somewhere in his bedroom]
Napoleon: Pedro, I can't find my Rack-U-Tane anywhere! There's no way I can fight without it!
Pedro: Oh, well. At least your skin is clear.
Kip: [enters the room] What are you still doing here, Napoleon? I thought you had a big fight to impress the woman you stole from me.
Napoleon: She has a name, Kip. I just don't know what it is.
[Doorbell rings]
Kip: Oh. That must be the ride I arranged for you.
Rex: [pounding on the door from outside] DYNAMITE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
Napoleon: Oh, man! It's Rex! Pedro, tell him I have diarrhea! [quickly hides under his bed]
Kip: He's right here, Rex. Hiding under his bed.
Napoleon: Kip, shut up!
Rex: [pulls Napoleon out from under the bed] Nobody turns their back on the Thundercone! You're gonna fight whether you want to or not! [drags Napoleon out of his room by the legs]
Pedro: Be careful. He has diarrhea.

Napoleon: Kip, this is gonna be the easiest fight of my life.
Kip: [takes out the Rack-U-Tane] Is it, Napoleon?
Napoleon: You stole my Rack-U-Tane!
Kip: You stole my Misty!
Misty: I love when guys fight over me.
Deb: Yeah, me too.
Napoleon: Screw you, Kip!
Kip: All right. But first, let me unscrew the cap on this tube.
Napoleon: I am SO gonna apply my skills to beat you!
Kip: Perhaps. Right after I apply the last of this rage cream to my face.
Napoleon: Quit cleverly twisting my words!
Misty: Stop talking, start punching!
Kip: Prepare to be humiliated in front of Misty.

[The angry mob chases after Napoleon and Kip after they escape the Thundercone]
Napoleon: Thanks, Kip. I couldn't have chickened out with a better guy.
Kip: Can we make up later? I can't run and talk at the same time.
Rex: Kill 'em, honey bunch!
Misty: I love you, Starla!

Scantronica Love (Episode 2)[edit]

Scantronica 3000: Summer and Pedro.
Pedro: [romantically] ¡Hijole!
Summer: [shocked] What?!
Don: [dismayed] NO!

Ligertown (Episode 3)[edit]

Napoleon: So, Pedro, the other day, I found like, a scientist's secret diary, and it said if you burp, sneeze, fart, and yawn at the same time, you explode.
Pedro: Science is amazing.
Kip: B.S., Napoleon, scientists don't keep diaries. They have logs. Secondly, I know two people who have snee-furped and lived to blog about it.
Napoleon: Well, they're liars! All the air leaving your body would create a super-vacuum and turn you into an upside-down blood fountain. GOSH!
Rico: [driving by in his van] This is the dumbest argument I have ever heard. Let's try it and see who's right.

Pedro: The root beer has reached the cabbage. I think we're a go.
Rico: Initiating pepper cloud.
Kip: Any last words, Napoleon?
Napoleon: Pedro, if I die, a hawk sprinkle on my ashes in Bear Lake.
Pedro: As you wish.
Kip: Snee-furp in 3, 2, and 1.
[Napoleon groans and grunts as his stomach rumbles and passes wind, launching himself into the sky]
Grandma Carlinda: [coming out of the house] Have you boys seen my cabbage? Oh, there it is! [takes a bite of the cabbage] What you idiots looking at?
Napoleon: [falling from the sky] Get out of the way! Get out of the way! [lands on Carlinda, breaking the picnic table]
Grandma Carlinda: [grunting] Get off of me! [coughs] Oh.
Napoleon: [gets up] Sorry I didn't explode, guys. I totally forgot to yawn.
Kip: Are you okay, Grandma?
Grandma Carlinda: No, I'm not okay! Your dingbat brother just broke my transition lenses!
Rico: Boy, you really done it now. A good pair of photo-grays will set you back $28. And that's without the croakies!
Napoleon: $28?! I'll never have that kind of money!
Rico: Now, Carlinda, I keep telling you, these nephews of mine need to get a job! [Carlinda annoyingly smacks him in the back of his head] Ow!
Grandma Carlinda: Don't tell me how to raise my boys! Napoleon, you're getting a job to pay for these.
Napoleon: What about Kip?
Grandma Carlinda: Kip's too frail for today's modern workplace. Besides, he's gonna be my eyes. I can't see a thing.
Napoleon: Why can't I be your eyes?
Kip: Because I'm way better describing stuff. Like how I always say a baby's hand looks like a starfish.
Rico: Whoa. That is dead-on accurate, Kipper.

Napoleon: [running past his house, calling his grandma through the window] Hey, Grandma, I just got a sweet new job! [to Kip] Kip, you suck!
Kip: Well, that was uncalled for. [closes the blinds]

Napoleon: These are ligers? I should've picked prison snitch. [A woodpecker pecks on his forehead] What have you done to the ligers? They're so peaceful and decroded!

Napoleon: [after the mama liger gives birth to a liger cub] I'm not fainting about this. I'm fainting about something else.

Pedro vs. Deb (Episode 4)[edit]

Pedro: I'm not sitting with her.
Deb: And I'm not sitting with him.
Napoleon: [sighs] I hate sitting alone.

Bed Races (Episode 5)[edit]

Napoleon: Kip! There's no monsters! Turn the light off! [A truck horn blares and he sits up, seeing a truck driving towards him] TRUCK!!!

Napoleon: [disgusted by Rico's suit] You look like a garbage bag full of chicken wings!

Chef: [holding out a plate with a sandwich] Rico, I made a special sandwich, named it after you.
Rico: Really? What's it called?
Chef: The Rico.
Rico: Hey, that's my name!
Chef: It's got crawfish, peanuts, and strawberries.
Napoleon: Aren't you allergic to all those things?
Rico: Yeah, but how often do you get a sandwich named after you? [takes a bite of the sandwich and his face swells up; muffled] Delicious. Such an honor.

Napoleon: We need to talk, without any broads around. [To Candy] No offense, my lady.
Rico: Here's the key to the snack bar. Go get yourself a "Tobleroney."
[Candy gets up and walks to the snack bar]
Napoleon: And a box of Dots! [To Rico] Rico, I'm kind of feeling guilty. We need to tell Grandma we cheated.
Rico: Oh, no, we don't. You like not paying for your dragon figurines?
Napoleon: Uh-huh.
Rico: You enjoy roaming the halls at school like an escaped gorilla at the zoo?
Napoleon: Heck, yes, I do.
Rico: Then best you keep your mouth shut.
Napoleon: But, I'm worried about Grandma! I think her brain is broken.
Rico: What about your Uncle Rico? This is the happiest I've ever been! Look at me, with a girl in a movie theater on a Saturday night. I'm like the goll-dang president!
Candy: [To Napoleon] I'm sorry, did you say Dots or Duds?
Napoleon: "Dots!" Geez!
Rico: I'm serious, Napoleon. The town even wants to put one of them bush statues of me in the Garden of Fame. Please don't take all this away from me. I don't wanna die alone in that van.
Napoleon: Fine! Forget I asked!
Candy: [returns and mistakenly gives Napoleon a box of Dots] Here's your Duds.
[Napoleon annoyingly groans loudly and leaves the theater, fuming]

Napoleon: [wakes up, startled] That was close. I almost had a bad dream. [takes a napkin from the dispenser and wipes his face]
Napkin Dispenser: All the napkins in the world can't wipe the guilt off your face, Napoleon.
Napoleon: Wha…?
Dragon Figurine: He's right, Napoleon. You cheated your grandma.
Napkin Dispenser: The dragon and I don't agree on much, but we agree on this.
Napoleon: You guys can talk?
Ink Cartridge: All your ill-gotten gains can talk.
Napkin Dispenser: Ill-gotten gains lead to gain-gotten ills.
Napoleon: Uh-huh. Wait, what?
Napoleon Hall Pass: If you spent more time in class and less time in the hall, you'd understand.
Napoleon's Bed: [roars] You've peed on me countless times and I've always pretended not to notice, but this I can't ignore!
Napoleon: Why aren't you haunting Uncle Rico?!
Napoleon's Bed: He doesn't have a conscience. Or a bed. You've got to tell the truth! Admit your deceit!
Napoleon: And if I don't?
Napoleon's Bed: Oh, that DOES it!
Napkin Dispenser: Stop it, bed! You're going too far!
Dragon Figurine: Yes, you said there'd be no killing.
Napoleon's Bed: I said lots of things!
Napoleon: [wakes up, surprised and sweating] I did have a bad dream! [takes a napkin from the dispenser that says: "DO THE RIGHT THING!" and another that says: "ORDER MORE NAPKINS NOW!"]

Napkin Dispenser: Tell her!
Napoleon: You can't talk, I'm awake.
Napkin Dispenser: You're daydreaming. Now snap out of it and tell her!
Napoleon: Grandma, I can't take it anymore! Rico and I cheated! You should've won that race!
Grandma Carlinda: What are you saying?
Napoleon: I'm saying, Rico and I cheated. You should've won that race!
Grandma Carlinda: I knew I wasn't an old lady. To the Garden of Fame!
Napoleon: How are we gonna get there? You gave your car to the Lord.
Grandma Carlinda: I know something faster than a car.

Rico: Oh, man, I wouldn't want to be whoever she's mad at.
Grandma Carlinda: [fiercly] Rico!
Rico: [gasps; nervously] Now, Carlinda, I can explain.
Grandma Carlinda: Get your head in here.
Rico: Yes, ma'am. [puts his head under her arm]
Grandma Carlinda: I believe you have something to tell my fans. [lowers down the microphone to him]
Rico: [talks into the microphone; to the crowd] After giving it much thought, I've decided I can no longer go on with this charade. I cheated in the bed race.
[The crowd gasps in shock at hearing this]
Mayor: Rico, [sticks out his hand] give back your key to the city.
[Rico takes out his keychain from his pocket and struggles to get the city key out and sadly hands it over]

Rico: Carlinda, if there's any way I can ever make up for my despicable, yet clever behavior…
Grandma Carlinda: You can help me un-donate me car. Kip, you got my bolt cutters?
Kip: You know it, G.
Grandma Carlinda: To the convent!
[They drive off in Rico's van as the sun sets]
Rico: All right, what's the plan?
Napoleon: Okay, I'll distract Jesus and you guys steal the car.
Pedro: [unsure] I'm not comfortable stealing from Señor Jesus.
Rico: Sorry, Pedro. You're up your pretty little neck in this.
Pedro: Oy.

FFA (Episode 6)[edit]

Napoleon: What are you doing here, Filson? I thought you graduated.
Filson: Nope, failed English.
[The FFA students gasp]
Napoleon: But you're great at English.
Filson: Is I, Napoleon? Is I?
Napoleon: You failed on purpose!
Filson: You didn't think I was gonna let you have all the glory and the women, did you?
Napoleon: You don't care about the FFA, Filson.

[Rico's van parks in front of a family's house window of the dining room]
Grandma Carlinda: Rico, what are you doing?! I wanna watch TV!
Rico: When you live in a van, the whole world is your personal television set.
Grandma Carlinda: I do love my trashy family dramas.
Rico: Well, enjoy the latest episode of "329 Oneida Street." [turns on the radio for background music as the family eat dinner at the table from inside the house] Okay, let me get you caught up. Last week, that girl there, she crashed her daddy's Miata into a Cheesecake Factory.
Kip: That's not good.
Rico: And the mama thinks her husband's cheating on her, but he's just being secretive 'cause he's planning her birthday party. Oh, also, he's cheating on her.
Grandma Carlinda: [as the father sees them and gets up from the table, walking to the front door] This is my kind of show.
Father: [angrily walks out of the house towards the van] Hey! You in the van!
Rico: Uh-oh. Uh, I'll be back after this short break.
Father: I told you to take your peeping eyes elsewhere! [mistakenly grabs Kip but the shirt collar, pulls him out of the van, and starts beating him up]
Kip: [getting beaten up while Carlinda watches] My blouse! Ouch! Jeez!

Napoleon: Your Majesty? [looks down in the hole, and finds some romantic items in there; reads the note] "Close your eyes and make a wish. Love, your Queen." [closes his eyes and a hand touches him on the shoulder] Nicole! [opens his eyes and turns around to see…] Pedro?!
Pedro: [unhappy] I thought you were putting things on hold. You lied to me, Napoleon.
Napoleon: I don't care. Get out of here. I'm about to have a secret dinner with my woman.
Pedro: In a hole?
Napoleon: It's not a hole. It's our love dungeon.
Pedro: Well, I don't think she loves you. Look, [picks up the fruit basket] her apples are fake.

Napoleon: Don't worry, Pedro. She'll be back.
Pedro: You're crazy, Napoleon! Even the earthworms are laughing at us! [Two earthworms giggle at them] You begged me to come, Napoleon. You said we were going to be a team and rob banks!
Napoleon: Well, you're a freaking crappy teammate! Curtis never would've let this happen to me! He knew how to bridle my passions.
Pedro: Well, I'm not Curtis. I'm Pedro Montoya Carlos Sanchez and you have shamed and betrayed me! [spits dirt dust in Napoleon's face]
Napoleon: I don't care how many names you have! You're dead!

Rico: [wakes up, sensing trouble] Hey, sounds like Napoleon's in trouble! Man, I love my wolf ear.

Kip: Hey, Uncle Rico, it still smells kinda poison-y in the house. Would it be okay if we stay one more night?
[Rico smiles, believing it's okay]
Rico: Okay, Napoleon. Last week, the father got arrested for beating up a Peeping Tom, who in a hilarious twist turned out to be Kip!
Napoleon: That daughter's pretty hot.
Grandma Carlinda: Not for long if she keeps eating meatloaf like that!
Napoleon: Rude.

External links[edit]