- Nathan Barley: It's been out for three weeks in Japan. Where's yours?
- Nathan Barley: His trousers fall down and there's like a piss stain on his pants. Check it out yeah, it is well bum.
- Nathan Barley: Peace and fucking. Believe.
- Nathan Barley: Bum. Keep it livid. Keep it dense, yeah?
- Nathan Barley: Check out my website, yeah? It's well fucking futile.
- Nathan Barley: Keep it chopped out, yeah?
- Nathan Barley: Check it out yeah, trashbat.co.ck, my web site. Dot cock yeah, registered in the Cook Islands.
- Nathan Barley: Wasp T12. It's got a massive number five 'cause it's the most common number.
- Nathan Barley: Futures, yeah?:
- Nathan Barley: Keep it dusty.
- Nathan Barley: Twice in one day. Well coincimental.
- Nathan Barley: It's an online urban culture dispatch.
- Nathan Barley: I'm a self facilitating media node.
- Nathan Barley: Renegade production node.
- Nathan Barley: My desk, A.K.A.S. Main Hub.
- Nathan Barley: That is well jackson.
- Nathan Barley: OK, here's the credos. Trash, as in what's all around us... and... bat.
- Dan Ashcroft: They babble into hand-held twit machines about that cool email of the woman being bummed by a wolf.
- Dan Ashcroft: Welcome to the age of stupidity. Hail the rise of the idiots.
- Dan Ashcroft: Yeah, you're going to fuck an idiot.
- Dan Ashcroft: French, Italian, Spanish, Dutch, French... err ...Southern French. Danish.
- Ned Smanks: Yeah, well plastic.
- Ned Smanks: Keep it foolish.
- Ned Smanks: Trojan measure mate, Trojan measure.
- Toby Yeah, you pair of towels.
- Nathan Barley: Well cheeks, man, well cheeks.
- Nathan Barley: You should come to the party Friday, it'll be well jackson.
- Nathan Barley: You can come, you can come twice, you can come multiple times.
- Nathan Barley: You should come, dollsnatch. It's gonna be totally fucking Mexico.
- Dan Ashcroft: Shut up, fat arms.
- 15Peter20: Hi, ho, hi. I'm 15Peter20 and I believe that pissing is like crying through your genitals.
- Nathan: I want a real special coffee today, yeah. Triple size, four shots in it, and the best foam you've ever squirted from your milky pumps.
- Doug: Debut album by the Veryphonics. It's actually induced the first of many nervous breakdowns... all of which I've chosen to ignore.
- Nathan: (as Claire walks away) Still jealous. It's a shame. Try to nip it in the bud really Claire. Makes you lose your looks. Your face has gone sour.
- Claire: Nathan. What is this saying about London's underclass?
- Nathan: They're... not all ugly?
- Mandy: (singing) Bad to have a bad uncle. Bad to have a bad uncle. Pain, pain is a monkey. Pain, pain is a monkey.
- Nicholas Burns – Nathan Barley
- Julian Barratt – Dan Ashcroft
- Claire Keelan – Claire Ashcroft
- Richard Ayoade – Ned Smanks
- Ben Whishaw - Pingu
- Rhys Thomas - Toby
- Noel Fielding - Jones
- Spencer Brown - Rufus Onslatt
- Charlie Condou - Jonatton Yeah?
- David Hoyle - Doug Rocket
- Nina Sosanya – Sasha
- Kevin Eldon - Nikolai the Barber
- Julia Davis - Honda Poppet
- Benedict Cumberbatch - Robin