National Lampoon's Van Wilder
- Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere.
- Are you stalking me? 'Cause that would be super.
- Hey, look. That old bag is stronger than she looks.
- And thus, 'Topless Tutors' was born.
- Sharing a half-calf latte and a penalty box with Gwen Pearson who believes that censorship reflects society's lack of confidence in itself.
- Don't be a fool, stay in school.
- Don't be a fool, wrap your tool.
- All this time I thought I was more to you than some flaccid story.
- You must be Pre-Med Dick.
- Her name is Naomi. That's 'I MOAN' backwards.
- Richard, you rascal, you never told me you were a DIK! [under breath] Not that you had to.
- I'd like you to meet Sherri and Terri. Two girls utterly infatuated with men who have larger than normal... medulla oblongata's.
- Well, it is the NAKED mile run; everyone else will be in their birthday suits. Except for that guy...
- Write that down.
- Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive.
- Those circus midgets can NOT hold their booze!
- Oh God. If he's here who's running hell?
- I learned a long time ago you can't treat every situation like it's life and death. Cause you'll die a lot of times.
- Sometimes you gotta let your heart lead you, even if you know it's someplace you know you're not supposed to be.
Taj Mahal Badalandabad
- Tit! Oh mummy. Most Indians would say cow because they are sacred, but, I hear milk I think giant jugs. You see, I can not go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. [Van Wilder spits out his water] To-to-to smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand! You know, I wanted to, how is it, park the porpoise. You know? I want to take it through the car wash, baby, you know? And get it waxed. You know, I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air dry. You know, air dry that shit, yeah! And I would like to be your assistant very much, Mr. Van Wilder.
- This is the White Barry.
- You...you...you....you pussy ass mother fucker dick sucker!
- Richard: You do not call her that, Gonad!
- Vance Wilder, Sr: Sweet Joseph, my son's a fairy.
- Jeannie: It was the greatest ten seconds. Ever.
- Applicant: I see a rabbi. And he's performing a circumcision...on himself though.
- Van: Blue. It brings out your eyes. Kid's got killer eyes; not unlike yourself. Anyone ever tell you that?
- Gwen: Yes, my boyfriend.
- Van: Now, repeat after me. No cock pump...
- Taj: No cock pump.
- Taj: This is the culmination of my being.
- Naomi: Baby, I'm about to culminate, now get over here.
- Vance Wilder, Sr.: Van is still in school?
- Assistant: For the better part of a decade.
- Vance Wilder, Sr.: And, schedule in a massage.
- Assistant: With a Happy Ending?
- Vance Wilder, Sr.: Ah Yes.
- Jeannie: This party so rocks, Richard!
- Richard: This party sucks rectum, Jeannie!
- McDoogle: Ok, Wilder. Let's dance.
- Van: It's a good day to die, McDoogle.
- [during sex]
- Jeannie: P.S. This an awesome room.
- Richard: P.S. Shut the fuck up!
- The Tradition Continues
- Don't Graduate. Celebrate.
- If you're going for an advanced degree in partying...Why graduate?
- No party gets started until it gets wilder.
- Born to be wilder!
- All the girls want him. All the boys want to be him.
- Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive
- Ryan Reynolds — Van Wilder
- Kal Penn — Taj Mahal Badalandabad
- Tara Reid — Gwen E. Pearson
- Tim Matheson — Vance Wilder Sr.