National Lampoon's Van Wilder

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National Lampoon's Van Wilder is a 2002 comedy film about a college student in his seventh year without graduating.

Directed by Walt Becker. Written by Brent Goldberg and David Wagner.
Don't Graduate. Celebrate.(taglines)

Van Wilder[edit]

  • Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere.
  • Are you stalking me? 'Cause that would be super.
  • Hey, look. That old bag is stronger than she looks.
  • And thus, 'Topless Tutors' was born.
  • Sharing a half-calf latte and a penalty box with Gwen Pearson who believes that censorship reflects society's lack of confidence in itself.
  • Don't be a fool, stay in school.
  • Don't be a fool, wrap your tool.
  • All this time I thought I was more to you than some flaccid story.
  • You must be Pre-Med Dick.
  • Her name is Naomi. That's 'I MOAN' backwards.
  • Richard, you rascal, you never told me you were a DIK! [under breath] Not that you had to.
  • I'd like you to meet Sherri and Terri. Two girls utterly infatuated with men who have larger than normal... medulla oblongata's.
  • Well, it is the NAKED mile run; everyone else will be in their birthday suits. Except for that guy...
  • Write that down.
  • Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive.
  • Those circus midgets can NOT hold their booze!
  • Oh God. If he's here who's running hell?
  • I learned a long time ago you can't treat every situation like it's life and death. Cause you'll die a lot of times.
  • Sometimes you gotta let your heart lead you, even if you know it's someplace you know you're not supposed to be.

Taj Mahal Badalandabad[edit]

  • Tit! Oh mummy. Most Indians would say cow because they are sacred, but, I hear milk I think giant jugs. You see, I can not go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. [Van Wilder spits out his water] To-to-to smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand! You know, I wanted to, how is it, park the porpoise. You know? I want to take it through the car wash, baby, you know? And get it waxed. You know, I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air dry. You know, air dry that shit, yeah! And I would like to be your assistant very much, Mr. Van Wilder.
  • This is the White Barry.
  • pussy ass mother fucker dick sucker!

Other Characters[edit]

  • Richard: You do not call her that, Gonad!
  • Vance Wilder, Sr: Sweet Joseph, my son's a fairy.
  • Jeannie: It was the greatest ten seconds. Ever.
  • Applicant: I see a rabbi. And he's performing a circumcision...on himself though.
  • Prof. McDoogle: Apathy is the glove in which evil slips its hand.


Van: Blue. It brings out your eyes. Kid's got killer eyes; not unlike yourself. Anyone ever tell you that?
Gwen: Yes, my boyfriend.

Van: Now, repeat after me. No cock pump...
Taj: No cock pump.

Taj: This is the culmination of my being.
Naomi: Baby, I'm about to culminate, now get over here.

Vance Wilder, Sr.: Van is still in school?
Assistant: For the better part of a decade.

Vance Wilder, Sr.: And, schedule in a massage.
Assistant: With a Happy Ending?
Vance Wilder, Sr.: Ah Yes.

Jeannie: This party so rocks, Richard!
Richard: This party sucks rectum, Jeannie!

McDoogle: Ok, Wilder. Let's dance.
Van: It's a good day to die, McDoogle.

Jeannie: [during sex] P.S. This an awesome room.
Richard: P.S. Shut the fuck up!


  • The Tradition Continues
  • Don't Graduate. Celebrate.
  • If you're going for an advanced degree in partying...Why graduate?
  • No party gets started until it gets wilder.
  • Born to be wilder!
  • All the girls want him. All the boys want to be him.
  • Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive


External links[edit]