Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide
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Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide is a Nickelodeon comedy series. A boy named Ned gives school survival tips to people in his middle school.
Guide to: The First Day
- [The beginning of the series]
- Ned: It's the first day of school, and it can be totally frightening. But the key to surviving it is whether you're ready... or not.
- [a boy falls down to the floor with an overloaded backpack]
Guide to: Excuses
- Ned: And make your excuses realistic, because no one is gonna believe that a dog ate your homework. [a dog runs by and snatches Ned's homework] A dog ate my homework!
Guide to: Upperclassmen
- Palmer Noid: I like you.
- Ned: Please, don't!
Guide to: Notebooks
- Cookie: When are you going to steal the golden notebook?
- Ned: Not steal, borrow it without asking!
- Sweeney: Bigby. I noticed you aren't doing well in my class.
- Ned: That's not true. I haven't been doing well in any class.
- Gordy: Aren't you forgetting something?
- Gabi: Oh yeah! Bananas really hit the monopoly in the potasium field huh Gordy?
- Gordy: No. [pulls out candy apples] Caramel covered apples with nuts to celebrate a job well done.
Guide to: Double Dating and The Last Day
- Suzie: Hey, let's hit Brazil for some music, and dancing, and...
- [Suzie grabs Ned's hand, and looks and smiles at him. Ned does the same until his stomach acts up, which surprises Moze, Suzie and Jock]
- Ned: I'll meet you guys there.
- [Ned runs to the bathroom, and goes into the girl's bathroom. Girls scream]
- Ned: Oh, come on!
- [Ned runs into the boy's bathroom, where he has diarrhea]
- Suzie: Hey, Ned! I've been waiting for you...
- [Suzie puckers her lips and leans in to kiss Ned. Ned's stomach acts up again, Ned blocks Suzie's kiss with his hand]
- Ned: You're going to have to wait a little longer...
- [Ned runs to the bathroom, leaving Suzie shocked]
- Moze: (runs to the bathroom) Do not go in there!
- Cookie: I'm dead. How am I going to dance with Vanessa and Lisa at the same time?
- Moze: Wait for a merengue song, keep spinning, and hope for the best.
- Ned: Where's Suzie?
- Moze: She's with Jock.
- Ned: No! She's supposed to be with me, to kiss!
- [Ned farts and poops in the bathroom]
- Ned: (groans)
- Moze: That's it! I'm calling for help!
- [Moze dials and calls for help]
- Cookie: I can't wait 'til next year it's the eighth grade and who knows what could happen.
(the end of the second season)
Guide to: A New Grade
- iTeacher: [introducing herself to the class] Have you ever heard of home-schooling? Well, I'm home-teaching. Don't ask why, it's none of your business!
- Ned and Cookie: [after Moze unplugs iTeacher's computer in a bout of frustration] That wasn't very nice.
- Moze: [to Ned] Well, you're too tough.
- Ned: Not anymore. From now on, it's super nice, non-bully, Ned Bigby.
Guide to: Principals
- Ned: If he breaks his neck, he'll be in the hospital! Not in the principal's office!
- Cookie: Not one of your best plans.
- Gordy: Yeah, especially considering we're on the second floor.
Guide to: Dismissal
- Evelyn: [after kissing Cookie] You drive me crazy. [slaps him, leaving him with a confused, awestruck expression]
- Gordy: Oh, and you have 10 seconds to catch the bus. RUN, BOY! [screams] RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Guide to: Social Studies
- Evelyn: That's it, I QUIT! I'd rather get an F than work with you, Cook!
Guide to: Girls
- Loomer: How do you know about engines? You're a girl.
- Simone: I rebuilt a V-6 with my dad last year. Floored the heads and gave it 30 more horsepower. See ya.
- Simone: Take the pistons and the points. See ya.
- Amy: I like kissing boys.
- [Amy kisses Ned]
Guide to: Friends Moving
- Evelyn: You see since, I actually never trust people, I researched and learned Cook's house is not for sale, there are no coconut factories in Hawaii, and I called his dad and he said Simon is in big trouble.
Guide to: The Library
- Librarian: Not "accordion" to my records! [Pulls out accordion]
- Gordy: Let's go to chapter 5, Torture!
- Ned: Nah, let's start from the beginning.
Guide to: Making New Friends
- Moze: So, how did it go with Faymen?
- Ned: Something tells me he doesn't like me. Actually, it was him.
- Moze: You just have to get to know each other, find out what you guys have in common. You both read. There's something. And I like him, and it's important that my best friend likes him.
- Ned: Fine.
- Moze: And got a little treat for you.
- Ned: 75 dollars to super nail salon and day spa?
- Moze: My aunt gave it to me and it expires today. We can get manicures, get our faces scrubbed.
- Ned: EHHH!
- Moze: Guys get manicures all the time.
- Ned: Then ask Faymen.
- Moze: He's got a big soccer practice tonight. Did you know he's like some big soccer prodigy in Brazil?
- Ned: Then I suggest you ask a girl.
- Moze: Of Course. I'll just ask...[crickets chirping] You know, I'm just gonna pick up the phone and call...[owl hooting] I'm the captain of the volleyball team. I'll just get one of my friends on the team to go.
- [High-pitched scream]
- Cookie: My Pen! My Lucky Pen's gone! GG-GG! I ACED 5 tests with that pen and now I'M GONNA FLUNK and be a flunky.
- [ringing bells]
- Moze: OK. Let's split up. Cooke, you stay here, look for your stupid pen! Ned, you go to study hall, make friends with Faymen.
- Ned: AAH!
- Moze: I'll go to practice and find a girl to go to the spa with.
- Missy: I'm popular and pretty. GO OUT WITH ME.
- Faymen: My fart belongs to Jennifer.
- Missy: What? Your WHAT?!
- Faymen: My fart!
- Ned: HE MEANS HEART!!!
Guide to: Fundraising
- Gordy: Caaaarbaaaash! Yeah, you hold a car bash! You get an old junky car, and then you charge kids a buck to bash it in with a sledge hammer! We did it in college, we raised over three hundred dollars!.
Guide to: Parties
- Seth: (they back him off for an alert) Sorry, Cookie, but my parents banned you because of what happened last year.
- Cookie: What? What did I do?
- (flash back)
- Cookie: So I almost burned down the house. It wasn't my fault. It's the song that should be banned and not me.
- Seth: Yeah, sorry, but speaking of fire, did you see Lisa? She is hot. (Cookie says nothing) Laters!
- Cookie: But.....[he walks out]
- Simone: How dare you!
- [Simone slaps Seth's face]
- Seth: What did I do?
- Simone: How dare you not remember what you did!
- [Simone slaps Seth's face again]
- Seth: Who are you?!
- Simone: How dare you not remember who I am! [Simone slaps his face and he falls down] Stay away from him!
- Moze: How did Missy get you to ask her to Seth's party?
- Ned: Well...
- Ned: She wore me down. But, anyway, I need to move on from [sees Suzie] SUZIE CRABGRASS?!
- Seth: Yeah, I invited Suzie and she came. (turns to Ned) I bet you're feeling pretty conflicted right now. Anyway, laters.
Guide to: Jealousy
- Seth: Hey! Jennifer is my girl, bucko!
- Seth: [after fighting with Faymen for Jennifer's honor] We're really tired from girl honor fighting.
- Moze: STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN, SISTER! (tackles Missy)
Guide to: Field Trips, Permission Slips, Signs & Weasels
- Moze: [about Ned taking the heat for her] He saved me!
- Moze: Oh, don't tell me you're the freak in the bird suit I heard about.
- Cookie: I have a plan.
- Moze: [sighs]
- Crubbs: [to Coconut Head] In the "Electrical Closet"? All right, I buy that, for now! But my Bigby senses are still tingling.
- Van Earl Wright: Hello, Everybody. Along with my partner Willie Gault, I'm Van Earl Wright welcoming you to Ned's Field Trip. Willie, What do you think about the trip so far?
- Willie Gault: Ha, Ha! Well, I think Ned's in deep, deep doody.
- Van Earl Wright: Right! Because if he gets caught by Crubbs, it's summer school and a whole pile of bad stuff. Now more importantly, by the way what do you think about the Suzie/Moze dilemma?
- Willie Gault: Well, I like Moze better than Suzie. I think she's a much better match for Ned, but he's gonna have to figure it out on his own.
- Van Earl Wright: All right. Let's get back to the show to see if Ned ends up with Suzie, Moze, or CRUBBS!
- Moze: What does Suzie have that I don't?
- Cookie: Ned.
- Ned: So, maybe we should go out. You know, boyfriend-girlfriend, more than friends?
- Moze: (as the two hold hands) Holding hands, talking all night, heart-shaped candies on Valentine's Day?
- Ned: I'm ready if you are.
- Moze: Bring it on.
- [The two share a romantic kiss]
- Ned and Moze: (in unison) Best field trip ever.
- Cookie: (walks in on Ned and Moze) Was I interrupting something?
- Ned and Moze: (in unison) We're going out now!
- Cookie: Cool!
- Cookie:What do girls like most in a guy?
- Moze: Honesty, a sense of humor...
- Cookie: No, superhero. Lois Lane likes Superman. Mary Jane likes Spider-Man. And Lisa will love...[reveals symbol on inside of shirt] The Steel Eagle! The Steal Eagle fights for justice, protects the class on field trips, and will impress Lisa so much she'll get pizza with me and we'll live happily ever after.
- Moze: Or, this is a sign that you have finally lost your mind.
- Crubbs: Now, let's hit The Japanese Gardens. [He turns and sees Ned and Suzie. He turns. Ned runs away as soon as Crubbs realizes he just saw Ned. Crubbs turns to see Ned running away] Bigby, is that you?! [starts chasing after him] Bigby! Bigby!
- Ned: So, looks like Gordy's done chasing weasels.
- Cookie: I got my pizza date with Lisa and I'm going to meet her now.
- Moze: And now that Ned and I are going out, [Ned puts his arm around her] we'll join ya.
- Ned: And we all lived happily ever after.
- [The end of the series to End Credits]
- Devon Werkheiser as Ned Bigby
- Daniel Curtis Lee as Simon Nelson Cook
- Lindsey Shaw as Jennifer Mosely