Nigel Blackwell

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Nigel Blackwell, songwriter and lead singer of satirical UK rock band Half Man Half Biscuit.



  • When I'm pining for a cigarette, I think of all the free ones that I'd get, if I killed myself and came back as a beagle, WOOF!
I Left My Heart in Papworth general, Dickie Davies' Eyes (single) (1986)
  • Mention The Lord of the Rings just once more, and I'll more than likely kill you.
Dickie Davies' Eyes, Back Again In The D.H.S.S. (1987)
  • Brian Moore's head looks uncannily like London Planetarium.
Dickie Davies' Eyes, Back Again In The D.H.S.S. (1987)
  • There was one in the gang who had Scalextric, and because of that he thought he was better than you.
All I Want For Christmas Is A Dukla Prague Away Kit, Back Again In The D.H.S.S. (1987)
  • There's no room for enigmas in built-up areas.
Hedley Verityesque, McIntyre, Treadmore and Davitt (1991)
  • I could put a tennis racket up against my face and pretend that I am Kendo Nagasaki.
Everything's AOR, McIntyre, Treadmore and Davitt (1991)
  • There's people who can't spell 'weird' right driving round with thousands in the bank; but I get by, got a lot on my mind; I get by, got allotments on my mind.
Turned Up Clocked On Laid Off, This Leaden Pall (1993)
  • The three men I admire most -- the father, son, and Mickie Most -- took the last train for the coast, and rendezvoused with Peter Glaze, to kill Don Maclean.
Turned Up Clocked On Laid Off, This Leaden Pall (1993)
  • I know Bono and he knows Ono, she knows Eno whose phone goes thus:
    "Brian's not home, he's at the North Pole, but if you'd like to leave a weird noise..."
Eno Collaboration, Voyage To The Bottom Of The Road (1997)
  • She died with her telly on, 87 and confused,
    With not enough hospital beds 'cos all the money’s been used,
    On the end of the century party preparations,
    And they reckon that the last thing she saw in her life,
    Was Sting, singing on the roof of the Barbican.
A Country Practice, Four Lads Who Shook the Wirral (1998)
  • No frills, handy for the hills, that's the way you spell New Mills.
The Light At The End Of The Tunnel (Is The Light Of An Oncoming Train), Cammell Laird Social Club (2002)
When The Evening Sun Goes Down, Cammell Laird Social Club (2002)
  • Car crime's low, the gun crime's lower,
    The town hall band CD, it's a grower,
    You never hear of folk getting knocked on the bonce,
    Although there was a drive-by shouting once,
    But there's a brass band everywhere,
    And I don't drive so I don't care,
    And as a nightingale sang in Berkeley Square,
    What's Chatteris if you're not there?
For What Is Chatteris?, Achtung Bono (2005)
  • Help me Mrs Medlicott, I don't know what to do, I've only got three bullets and there's four of Mötley Crüe.
Upon Westminster Bridge, Achtung Bono (2005)
  • There's a man with a mullet going mad with a mallet in Millets.
National Shite Day, CSI:Ambleside (2008)

External link[edit]

Wikipedia has an article about:

The Half Man Half Biscuit Lyrics Project