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Night at the Museum

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Night at the Museum is a 2006 film about a divorced father who gets a job as a night watchman at the Museum of Natural History. He thinks that it will be a boring, thankless job... until his first night!

Directed by Shawn Levy. Written by Robert Ben Garant (screen story), Thomas Lennon (screenplay) and Milan Trenc (book).
This Christmas, It Won't Be a Silent Night. taglines

Dialogue

[edit]
Larry Daley: Ah — Teddy Roosevelt.
Rebecca: Yes. A great visionary.
Larry Daley: Yes, definitely. He was our 4th president, right?
Rebecca: 26th.
Larry Daley: 26th.
Dr. McPhee: Please don't touch the exhibits! I mean, riffraff. Mrs. Hutman, I cannot tolerate this type of chaos. I mean, this is a museum, not a... Do you know what museum means? It doesn't mean, "Ooh, Daddy, it's a big tyrannosaurus thing. Can I touch its leg?" No! It... Work it out, please.
Rebecca: Will do, sir.
Dr. McPhee: Thank you.
Rebecca: Dr. McPhee, our museum director.
Larry Daley: Hmm, seems like a fun guy.
Dr. McPhee: Control your young, please! Can we? Oh!
Debbie: Mr. Daley, I can honestly say, in 43 years at this agency, I've never seen a resume quite like yours.
Larry: Ah, all right!
Debbie: That wasn't a compliment. It says here you were the CEO of Snaptime Industries. Care to elaborate on that?
Larry: Sure. Well, that was the umbrella corporation for my invention, the Snapper. You know, snap, lights come on. Snap, they come off.
Debbie: Uh, didn't they already make that?
Larry: No, no. That's the Clapper, which, obviously, stole a bit of our thunder. Personally, I don't really see what the big difference is. I mean... You know, whatever. But, um, apparently, there is a significant portion of the population that has trouble actually snapping.
Debbie: Clapping's easier.
Larry: Debatable.
Debbie: I can't help you.
Larry: Uh, Debbie? Can I call you Debbie? Cause, uh, I felt a connection when I entered this office. And I don't know. I feel like you did too.
Debbie: I didn't feel a connection.
Larry: Look, I need a job tomorrow, okay? If I don't have one... I just need it, okay?
Debbie: Well, I don't know. I might have one thing. They've turned down everyone I've sent over there, but, uh...
Larry: Great.
Debbie: Who knows? You might get lucky.
Cecil: Larry. Your keys, your torch.
Larry Daley: Right.
Cecil: You're gonna wanna strap those to your belt. Now, it can get a little spooky around here at night, so you might wanna put a few lights on. All right, flashlight, keys. What am I for...? Oh. The instruction manual.
Gus: Instructions. You start with one, two, three...
Larry Daley: Four?
Gus: Are you crackin' wise? I oughta punch you in the nose, hopscotch.
Reginald: Leave him alone, Gus. You got it covered, right, Larry?
Larry Daley: Yeah, yeah, I got it.
Gus: You better get it!
Cecil: Gus. Larry, do them in order, do them all and do them quick. And the most important thing of all to remember: don't let anything in or out.
Larry Daley: Out?
Cecil: Good luck, son.
Larry Daley: 'Night, Gus.
Gus: Young buck, crackin' wise.
Cecil: Moving on.
Cecil: [with creepy voice] Hello? [laughs] I'm just kidding.
Larry: Hi, I'm, uh, I'm Larry Daley. Are you Mr. Fredericks? [laughs]
Cecil: Mr. Fredericks was my father. I am Cecil. Good to meet you, Larry. Nice, firm handshake. I like that. Tells a lot about a man. Come on in. Let's talk turkey here. The museum is losing money, hand over fist. I guess kids today don't care about wax figures or stuffed animals. So they're downsizing, which is code for "firing" myself and the other two night guards. They want to replace us with one new guard.
Larry: Oh, sorry.
Cecil: Well, what are you gonna do? I'd like you to meet my, uh, two colleagues here. Reginald? Gus?
Gus: [gasps] Where is he? I'll beat him with my fist! [grunting]
Cecil: Gus, this is Larry Daley, the kid who wants to be the new night guard.
Larry: Whoa. Uh, night guard? No, no. The lady at the agency said this was a museum position.
Reginald: Most important position in the museum, Larry.
Gus: He looks like a weirdy.
Cecil: [chuckles] Wonderful guard, terrible people skills.
Gus: Now, listen, lunch box, don't try anything funny. I once went nine rounds with John L. Sullivan. [Cecil mouths words]
Reginald: You never fought John L. Sullivan in your life.
Cecil: Gentlemen, we have a job candidate here. He's got an excellent resume, a winning attitude, and I say let's give him a shot. What do you say?
Larry: Uh, hang on a sec. I think I might wanna have a little time just to think it over.
Gus: Do you want the job or not, snack shack?
Larry: No, no. I want the job. I...
Reginald: Welcome to the night guards, Larry.
Cecil: Larry, meet me up on the second floor. I'll slip into my orthopedics and give you a little tour. Arthritic knees. Not fun gettin' old, my friend. Go on.
Reginald: You really think he's the one?
Cecil: Oh, yes. He's the one.
[As Larry is captured by miniature people, the miniature train is emerging in the tunnel.]
Larry Daley: Hey, blondie.
Jedediah: Name's Jedediah.
Larry Daley: All right, Jedediah, stop the train, please!
Jedediah: Big no can do, crackerjack.
Larry Daley: What's going on here, huh?
Jedediah: Somebody's gotta pay.
Larry Daley: Pay for what?
Jedediah: I don't know! Just pay! Now stop whining and just take it like a man!
[The miniature train comes out of the tunnel.]
Larry Daley: Seriously. Stop the train.
Jedediah: All right, stop the train.
Larry Daley: Thank you.
Jedediah: [shouts] NOW FULL SPEED AHEAD AND RAM HIM! SPLIT HIS HEAD LIKE A WATERMELON!
Larry Daley: [the miniature train hits his face] Ooh! Ow!
Jedediah: For cryin' out loud!
Larry Daley: All right, that's enough. [starts to free himself]
Larry Daley: [sees the miniature knights] Oh, my...
Octavius: Prepare the catapults.
Jedediah: Whoa, Octavius, hold on! This ain't your fight! This here giant's on our land!
Larry Daley: Hey, hey, little guy. Jed. Yeah. Sorry. Look, I just... I'm not a giant, okay? I'm just like an average size.
Jedediah: Don't talk down to me.
Larry Daley: [to the miniature knights] I'm not a giant, guys. All right? You guys are really little.
Octavius: We may be small. But our hearts are large... metaphorically speaking.
Larry Daley: Don't take that the wrong way. I'm just saying you're miniatures.
Octavius: Silence! The Roman Empire knows no boundaries.
Jedediah: Don't you do it, son.
Larry Daley: Do what?
Jedediah: Octavius!
Larry Daley: Don't do what?
Octavius: UNLEASH HELL!!!
Jedediah: D'oh!
Knight: FIRE!
[The miniature knights starts shooting mini fire at Larry, he gets out of the miniature's range. Teddy enters.]
Teddy Roosevelt: [reaches his hand] Climb aboard, boy. Take the hand, son. [Larry climbs on Teddy's horse] On board.
[Teddy's horse whinnies and they get away from the miniatures.]
Jedediah: [calling out to Larry] THAT'S RIGHT, YOU BETTER RUN, BOY! YOU HEAR JEDEDIAH?! THAT MUSTACHIOED HORSEMAN AIN'T ALWAYS GONNA BE THERE TO PROTECT YOU! YOU HEAR ME?!
Easter Island Head: [deep voice] Hey! Dum-dum.
Larry: Yes?
Easter Island Head: You give me gum-gum.
Larry: I give you gum-gum?
Easter Island Head: You new dum-dum. You give me gum-gum.
Larry: Gee. Okay. Um, you know what? I have no gum-gum. Sorry. And my name isn't dum-dum. My name's Larry.
Easter Island Head: No, your name dum-dum. Oh, you in trouble, dum-dum. You'd better run-run from Attila the Hun-Hun! See you later, dum-dum.
[At almost sunrise, as Teddy returns to his position and poses, Larry is confused and looks at Teddy posing on his position. When...]
Roosevelt: BOO!!!
Larry Daley: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Roosevelt: [laughs] Bully! Got you, boy.
Larry Daley: Yeah. You got me.
[Teddy returns to his pose, Larry walks away, when...]
Jedediah: [pops up from his pocket, aiming his gun] YAHHHHHHHH!!! Say hello to your little friend! [Larry picks him up] Hey!
Larry Daley: What are you doing?
Jedediah: Put me down! I don't like to be manhandled!
Larry Daley: Just calm down, Jed.
Jedediah: It doesn't feel good! It makes me feel small and powerless.
Larry Daley: You done?
Jedediah: I'm gonna shoot you in your dang eye. In your dadgum eye. [grunts, his gun clicks]
Larry Daley: Yeah, keep shootin'. Nothing is gonna happen.
[Larry jumps out from behind a wall and screams, "scaring" the other guards.]
Cecil: We're too old for surprises.
Larry Daley: Really? I thought you liked surprises! Especially the fact that everything in the museum comes to life at night! That little... sweetheart.
Cecil: Larry, we wanted to tell you. You never would have believed us.
Larry Daley: Do you have any idea what I've been through tonight?
Gus: What?
Larry Daley: I said, do you have any idea what I've been through tonight, Gus?
Gus: Keep a lid on it, butterscotch!
Larry Daley: I don't even know if what happened was real or not, but I did not sign up for this. I just need a regular job that... that is not life-threatening and pays my bills. So thank you very much, and I left my uniform in the office, and I will be seeing you.
Gus: Larry! Bah.
Reginald: Hey, Larry.
Larry Daley: So, I was thinking maybe I'll give it one more night.
Cecil: I'm glad you came around. Welcome back.
Dr. McPhee: You! New night guard, here, now.
Larry Daley: What's up?
Dr. McPhee: "What's up?" Oh. Well, take a walk with me, and I'll show you, Mr. "What's up". Come on. So, would you kindly do me the favor of explaining this?
Larry Daley: Ooh. Okay. I'm guessing and I'm just spitballing here but looks like that Roman dude got cocky and climbed over into the Wild West. And that cowboy knows the Roman dude wants to take over his territory, so he rounded up a posse and put him in the stockade.
Dr. McPhee: [laughs sarcastically] Let's all laugh at me, the comedy night guard. "No", is the answer. Sarcasm back at ya with your... humor box. I wasn't laughing. I was pretending to laugh, if that's what you want, some sort of battle of humor. Do you?
Larry Daley: No. I don't want a... No, I don't want a battle of humor.
Dr. McPhee: No, you don't, because it would be a bloodbath. Nothing funny about Little Bighorn. No. I find it about as funny as a "fancist". It's not funny. Okay? And I will not stand for this type of blatant... If I'm not clear, tell me. Am I clear?
Larry Daley: Yeah.
Dr. McPhee: Yeah.
Larry Daley: Hey, Cecil. You got an extra copy of that instruction manual?
Cecil: Oh, no, I'm afraid not, Larry. Listen, I'll tell you what you do. Read some books. Brush up on your history. Helped me a lot when I first started out.
Cecil: Larry? Just wanted to say good luck, son.
Reginald: And goodbye. We're clocking out for the last time.
Cecil: If you're ever in Boca, look us up.
Larry: Wait, you guys are going out of town? What if this doesn't work out?
Reginald: Smart fellow like you? You'll be fine.
Cecil: Yeah, we'll just be a phone call away. Come on, walk us out.
Reginald: You fellas go ahead. I need a moment.
Cecil: He's very emotional. A lot of memories in this room.
Larry Daley: Hey! Guys! Hey, guys! Hey! Guys! [snaps his fingers, which to Jed and Octavius the sound is deafening]
Jedediah and Octavius: Ow!
Larry Daley: Sorry. What's goin' on? What happened here? I thought we had a deal.
Octavius: We will never coexist with these buffoons!
Jedediah: We're past words, Laredo. Now it's time to let Smith & Wesson do the talkin'!
Octavius: Ha! Those guns don't even work.
Jedediah: Oh, they don't? Take a look at this.
Octavius: Ay!
Jedediah: Don't kick me!
Roosevelt: Good Lord, Lawrence! Why are you slapping a monkey?
Larry: Teddy, this guy's been pushing me and pushing me, and I'm sick of it!
Roosevelt: Poppycock. This little creature is your primate brother. Without him, there's no us. Are you rabid? Wipe that off. You have to deal with this creature with love and respect. May I have the keys, dear friend? Thank you. Lawrence?
Larry: Well, you know what? You seem to know what you're doing, so I'm gonna let you take over, all right?
Roosevelt: No, no. My dear boy, you can't put up the white flag now. The museum is on the verge of total anarchy.
Larry: I tried! I came back tonight, didn't I?
Roosevelt: Tried? That was one night. I didn't build the Panama Canal in one day!
Larry: That's great, Teddy, but I'm dealing with the most ridiculous job in history!
Roosevelt: Some men are born great, Lawrence...
Larry: Yeah, I know. Others have greatness thrust upon them. You hit me with that chestnut last night. The thing is, not everyone is great. That's the problem. Some of us are just ordinary.
Roosevelt: No, you're not, Lawrence. For the love of Gideon, stop wallowing in self-pity. Every journey begins with a single footstep. If you could teach those inhabitants to get along, they wouldn't need to be locked up night after night!
Larry: That means a lot coming from a guy who's spent the last 50 years spying on a girl he's never even talked to!
Roosevelt: I was going to make contact. Lawrence, please.
Larry: I'm done, all right? No, Rexy! No!
Larry Daley: Excuse me? Mr. McPhee? Excuse me, Mr. McPhee? Can I talk to you about this, please, sir?
Dr. McPhee: What?
Larry Daley: I know that I screwed up, but I think I finally understand how to do this job.
Dr. McPhee: You obviously don't. That's the point.
Larry Daley: No, I didn't, but now I do. Really, Mr. McPhee, if you just give me one...
Dr. McPhee: Doctor.
Larry Daley: Dr. McPhee, just... Can you please give me one more night?
Dr. McPhee: One more night.
Larry Daley: Okay, thank you.
Dr. McPhee: And if anything is the tiniest after your shift... Because...
Larry Daley: Got it.
Dr. McPhee: Okay?
Larry Daley: Okay.
Dr. McPhee: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...
Larry Daley: Shame on me. Fool me... Shame on me.
Dr. McPhee: You.
Larry Daley: Fool me twice... Got it.
Dr. McPhee: Take it or leave it.
Larry Daley: Okay, thank you.
Roosevelt: Theodore Roosevelt, 26th President of these United States of America, at your service.
Larry Daley: Okay. I'm Larry, the new night guard...
Roosevelt: Pleasure to meet you, Lawrence! Now, if you excuse me [cocks shotgun], the hunt is afoot.
Larry Daley: [mutters] Hunt's afoot.
Larry Daley: Okay, Dexter. No hard feelings, okay?
[Dexter, a capuchin monkey, slaps Larry. Larry raises his hand to slap Dexter.]
Teddy: [threatening] Lawrence...
Larry Daley: But... you saw!
Teddy: Who is evolved?
Larry Daley: [muttering] I am...
Teddy: Who is evolved?
Larry Daley: I am!
Teddy Roosevelt: Good.

Cast

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Wikipedia
Wikipedia
Wikipedia has an article about:
  Feature films     Night at the Museum  (2006) · Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian  (2009) · Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb  (2014)
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