Nip/Tuck (2003-2010) is a television show, airing on the FX network, about the lives of two Miami plastic surgeons, as their lives threaten to fall apart under the stress of greed, envy, lust and crime.
- Sean: Check out this bombshell. We’re getting ready this morning, and Julia tells me she wants her breasts done.
- Christian: If you’re thinking conflict of interest, I’d like to volunteer my services.
- Sean: Still have a crush on the missus, do we?
- Christian: Let the records show that I dated her first and passed off my sloppy seconds to you.
- Sean: My god, when was the last time we went to bed and you didn't hate me?
- Christian: You wanna talk about the real reason you breezed into town? And do me a favour, Mr. Perez, when you answer, drop the 'no hablo English' bullshit. It doesn’t add to my confusion about your predicament, it only highlights your own. I’m a doctor; what you tell me during consultation is confidential.
- Silvio Perez: I prefer to let my money talk. [puts a large briefcase on the table]
- Christian Troy: Nice alligator.
- Silvio Perez: Twenty thousand dollars, according to your website. That’s your fee.
- Christian: Funny, isn’t it? How certain things from Colombia have that pungent aroma that can stink up a room. Coffee, for instance, and of course there’s the cartel money.
- Silvio Perez: I’m not Colombian. My brother and I, we are Argentinean.
- Christian: Mr. Perez, if you were Argentinean, I wouldn’t have to recommend porcelain veneers. It’s the only South American country with fluoride in the water. One last time, why are you running?
- Silvio Perez: I was with the boss’ girl.
- Christian: Mr. Perez, you cad.
- Christian: Can I buy you a drink?
- Kimber: I don't drink.
- Christian: Can I buy you an appetizer?
- Kimber: I don't eat. I'm a model.
- [Christian gives up and is ready to leave]
- Bartender: Another one before you hit the road?
- Christian: No, I have to operate tomorrow.
- Kimber: Are you a doctor?
- Christian: [flashes smile] Plastic surgeon.
Kimber:i don't wanna be pretty.I wanna be better.I want to be perfect.
Kimber: Am I really this ugly?I was home comming queen.
- Christian: Let your shortcomings and imperfections fuel you. When you stop striving for perfection you might as well be dead.
- Sean: [to Kimber, about Christian] Ms. Henry, I think you're confusing Dr. Troy's pleasant and very thorough bedside manner with real emotions.
- Christian: We're in the vanity business, Sean. It's what we do. Appearance is everything to a kid. It's how you fit in. Snip, snip, he feels better about himself, and you, sir, can make that happen. How cool is fatherhood?
- Sean: I'm not doing anything to my son's penis or my wife's breasts. I don't want my family infected by what we do here.
- Christian: What is it that we’re doing, Sean, other than make people feel good about themselves?
- Sean: What we do is let people externalize the hatred they feel about themselves.
- Christian: Sean, do you know why we just bought twelves packs of ham?
- Sean: Because alligators are finicky eaters.
- Sean: Have you ever done twins?
- Christian: [In a Sean Connery impression] Mother and daughter once but never twins.
- Julia: I should be back by 10. Dinner is in the fridge. Heat it up for five minutes at 350º. And, Matt, don't show Annie The Exorcist again.
- Matt: She needs to know that evil exists.
- Christian: [after Julia had walked in on him in bed with the twins] I'm sorry. I didn't mean for you to catch me in the middle of a DoubleMint moment right there.
- Julia: Why haven’t I had an orgasm in two years?!?
- Sean: Because I didn’t want to work that hard.
Nanette Babcock [1.3]
- Sean: Did she indicate that if you slept with her she’d drop the lawsuit?
- Christian: Are you actually telling me to stick my dick in the crypt keeper to make your mistake go away?
- Christian: [referring to the threat of a malpractice lawsuit] I don't know what our options are, Sean. I've worked too hard to end up at 40 saying, "Hi, welcome to Cinnabon. How may I help you?"
- Christian: [to Sean, referring to Dr. Grace Santiago] You're listening to the concern of Salsa Spice over the judgment of your partner?
- Christian: Are you saying I have no ethics?
- Sean: I'm saying you have a history of liking your money.
- Christian: I have a discriminating eye, Sean. I turned down Michael Jackson today.
- Liz: [to Christian] You really want to get inside a woman? Stop thinking like a dick.
- Mrs. Grubman: Do you want the lights on or--
- Christian: Off.
- Christian: You´re beautiful, Mrs. Grubman. Unfortunately, we live in a world where only one kind of beauty is recognized. But I´m telling you, tonight, the way you worked that room, the way you flirted with those rich guys, batted your eyes and walked away with a $100,000 check for a cause that needs you that was beautiful to me.
Sophia Lopez [1.4]
- Christian: The line that divides the porn industry and the plastic surgery is a thin one. We're both selling fantasy, aren't we?
- Christian: [refering to Merrill, who is dressed in a white suit] You look like a Q-Tip.
- Sean: You´re the one who inspired me to be a surgeon. I wanted to be you.
- Dr. Grayson: You´re gonna be me, Sean. You´re in my path. You´re a success now. Forty is when it starts. The dutiful wife gets tired of your hours and your lack of emotional intelligence. She´ll stay around for another five years if you´re lucky. Mine left when I was 50, but she´ll leave. When Father´s Day comes around, and Christmas, and Thanksgiving, and you sit alone with your diplomas, and the thoughts of all these people whose lives you´ve saved except your own.
- Sean: I’m afraid ‘pro-bono’ is out of the question for this type of operation. That’s usually reserved for people who have suffered accidents or birth defects.
- Sophia: Being one gender on the inside and another on the outside is a birth defect.
Kurt Dempsey [1.5]
- Man at bar: After you commit, it doesn't matter what you wash with. Women smell infidelity like cat piss.
- Christian: Ever notice how "monogamy" rhymes with "monotony"?
- Christian: Dr. Santiago, have you ever been sued for malpractice?
- Grace: As a matter of fact, I haven't.
- Christian: Of course not. That would be silly. That’s like suing a witch doctor for a spell that didn’t work.
- Liz: Does any one here besides me think there's anything morally reprehensible about a white man trying to pass himself off as a victim of the American racial hierarchy?
- Christian: Sean, tell her to stop using all those big words around me.
- Christian: Dr. Santiago, maybe you should consider having your own orgasm every now and then so you don't have to live through mine.
- Christian: Can I buy you another drink?
- Grace: Now that, Dr. Troy, would be pointless, seeing as you're the reason I'm drinking.
- Gina: Since I started in the program, things have changed. I don't go home with anyone who reinforces my low self-image. I don't blow anyone off because he has the taste to actually like me.
- Gina: Girl meets surgeon. Girl goes home with surgeon. Surgeon has a great excuse to leave before dawn. Am I close?
- Christian: We go to my place and I give her cab fare.
- Christian: [to Gina] Come on, time to twelve-step your way out of here.
- Gina: Well, doctor, I wouldn't expect you to believe in a higher power. You already think you are God.
- Christian: None of us get out alive. Now you can huddle in a group and face it one day at a time, or you could be grateful that when your body rubs against someone else's, it explodes with enough pleasure that you can forget, even for a minute, that you're only a walking pile of ashes. Now that is the truth. If you're strong, it'll make you free. If you're weak, it'll make you, you.
Megan O'Hara [1.6]
- Sean: I’m gonna get a vasectomy. Julia doesn’t want to have any more kids and I can’t handle another mistake.
- Christian: That’s the most bullshit cure for depression I ever heard. If you want to shoot blanks, Sean, don’t get snipped. Do what I do. Take a bath.
- Sean: What?
- Christian: For every date, I sit in a 116 degree bath. Excessive testicular heat shuts down spermatogenosis. Teabag your testicles in a hot tub and I swear you’ll be sterile and squeaky clean.
- Matt: Vanessa, this isn’t all about Ridley. What do you want?
- Vanessa: I just want her to love me, that’s all.
- Matt: Is all this effort worth it?
- Vanessa: You tell me, Matt? Is all this pain worth it to you?
- Matt: Pain? I’m a guy who’s about to have a three-way!
- Christian Troy: I counted each contraction. Three times. Or were you doing your Kegel exercises?
- Grace Santiago: [whispers] Lock the door.
Cliff Mantegna [1.7]
- Christian: You know what they say. For every beautiful girl there is a guy tired of screwing her.
- Sean: How do you feel about taking on an intern?
- Christian: What does she look like?
- Sean: He is a friend of Julia’s from school. Jude, something. I could use the points. She’s pissed that I’m not outraged enough about Matt’s three-way.
- Christian: Alright with me, partner. I’d much rather have him hanging around here all day than hanging shirtless by your pool feeding your wife margaritas.
- Kimber: [referring to her nurse's outfit] I spent $400 on this outfit. I’m just trying to do what you wanted and spice things up.
- Christian: Here’s the dilemma. You think a jockey wants to come home to see his girlfriend dressed like a horse? I’m around nurses all day, sweetheart. If I wanted to screw one of them, I would’ve by now.
- Christian: Are you doing this because you were rejected by a woman?
- Mr. Mantegna: One woman? Try thirty. In one night.
- Christian: [Edit] Don't worry, Mr. Mantegna. When we're done with you, the only tits you'll be feeling up are gonna belong to Hooters girls.
- Julia: Can't a woman just do something nice for her husband?
- Sean: A woman can definitely do something nice for her husband. You driving 20 minutes to bring me lunch sounds like a woman who wants her husband to do something nice for her.
- Julia: Having three-way sex in my house is a very big deal, Matt.
- Matt: You guys are lucky that that was all I was doing. I know kids hooked on crank, kids who are plotting to blow up the school.
- Julia: Congratulations. You win the award for least screwed up teenager.
- Christian: If I'm going to do this one woman thing, it can't be with just one woman.
Cara Fitzgerald [1.8]
- Patient: [in examination] Dr. Troy, you are the only man I want handling my penis.
- Christian: You are the only man who's ever said that to me.
- Patient: Is the scar really gone? My fiance doesn't like going down.
- Christian: And you're gonna marry that bitch?
- Patient: Just don't tell my girlfriend.
- [Both men laugh]
- Patient: So the cream will help it all go away in two weeks?
- Christian: Or your money back.
- Christian: [upon learning that Sean made a pass at Dr. Grace Santiago] Did you hire her because you're afraid that she might sue?
- Dr. Grace Santiago: Lawsuits typically happen when you lose your job after you have slept with the boss.
- Christian: Is that a threat?
- Sean: [to Christian] Wait... you slept with Grace?
- Christian: [rolls his eyes]
- Sean: Goddamn it! Are you out of your mind? How could you do this!
- Christian: Sleep with someone who rejected you?
- Christian: I don't like her, Sean. She is a troublemaker and her shoes are cheap.
- Sean: Shut up, Christian, just shut up. I need to think.
- Christian: This is about you playing Demi Moore with some 25-year-old punk kid with an overactive libido.
- Julia: The one with an overactive libido is a middle-aged surgeon. You fired him for revenge. [Edit] Someone else wants me and you can't stand it.
- Christian: Please, I can have anyone anytime I want it.
- Julia: You can't have me.
- Christian: Julia, your boy toy is me.
- Julia: 15 years younger.
- Christian: I've lost my faith, Father. I've drank, I've done drugs, I've fornicated with women and discarded them like trash. I've lost my soul. The boys you raped will be saying the same thing in 20 years.
Sophia Lopez II [1.9]
- Merrill Bobolit : [referring to Kimber Henry as his ideal wife] My DNA mixed with hers all but assures a blond Jew.
- Christian: What do you think that would be like? To want to get rid of your penis? The hub of all power?
- Sean: Actually, I admire her conviction. It takes...
- Christian: Balls?
- Liz: I have a tattoo on my right breast. Two female symbols intertwined.
- Christian: Double dykes?
- Liz: I’m expressing my lesbian identity.
- Liz: What about you? Are you gay?
- Sophia: Today.
- Liz: And tomorrow?
- Sophia: Straight……after the surgery.
- Liz: You’re a conundrum wrapped up in a riddle, babe. (Edit)
- Sophia: Have you always been a lesbian, Liz?
- Liz: I slept with a man once in college. He had long hair and when I closed my eyes, and felt it sweeping across my face, I pretended it was Joni Mitchell.
Adelle Coffin [1.10]
- Christian: I don't excel at anything. My relationships, my profession... All I have to offer is a great smile and a convincing line of bullshit.
- Christian: [referring to the cadaver] Sean, we've got to switch heads.
- Sean: No, we're not. [Edit] Practice makes perfect.
- Christian: Practice on what? Mr. Potato Head? There is only one way. Kill Ms. Grubman and practice on her.
- Julia: What did she give you that I couldn't?
- Sean: She saw the good in me, Julia. She saw the potential, the hope. Every time you look at me I see it in your eyes. All I see staring back at me is regret.
- Liz: Excuse me, someone in the lobby requests to see an arrogant, oversexed, antichrist.
- Gina: Yeah, that’s right, asshole. I’m pregnant.
- Christian: First time at the plate and I get credited with the RBI.
- Gina: You were the only batter.
- Christian: I was wearing a rubber.
- Gina: Well, slugger, either it broke or I’m carrying the next savior.
- Gina: Just because I'm carrying Satan's baby doesn't mean I need to marry the father.
- Liz: Alright sailors, tankle away.
- Sean: But she’s a multiple personality.
- Liz: Oh please! Who isn’t? To my mother, I’m a child. To Jan, I’m a heartless, rejecting bitch. And to my dog, I’m God.
- Sean: Maybe I should get a dog.
- Grace: I keep forgetting about the hierarchy of McNamara/Troy; I keep imagining I'm apart of it.
- Christian: I laughed, I cried, I came.
- Gina: [surprise to see Christian show up in person] Phone out of order?
- Christian: I just thought I should be here to catch you when you fainted from shock. I think we should have this baby. I mean, you should have it, and I´ll pay for it.
- Gina: Cue the violins. Why the change of heart?
- Christian: I´ve realized I want more. I wanna give more.
Antonia Ramos [1.12]
- Gina: What's the matter Christian, not turned on by pregnant women?
- Christian: No, just not by you.
- Christian: What’s this? You’re still smoking?
- Gina: I have cravings! Withdrawal is very hard on the baby. I can only eat so much. Would you rather I suck on these or some random guy?
- Christian: Do you have any idea what smoking does to a growing fetus? Try acupuncture.
- Gina: That’ll take care of my addiction but what about my oral fixation?
- Christian: Then I'll buy you a bag of goddamn lollipops!
Escobar Gallardo [1.13]
- Escobar: You’re a desperate man, Sean. Desperate men don’t come to talk. They come to kill.
- Escobar: Is that the last implant?
- Liz: Unless you made the poor girl eat one for shits and giggles, yes.
- Christian: This is good.
- Gina: Its Mahi-Mahi with an Asian slaw. I found the recipe online.
- Christian: So what do you want? You need something.
- Gina: I need you to make love to me.
- Christian: You better have made a kick-ass dessert too, sweetheart.
- Gina: I’m serious, Christian. I’ve got to get this baby out of me. My back aches. My bowels are backed up like a stadium toilet.
- Christian: Your seduction skills need a little work.
- Julia: We´re not fine, Sean. And we never will be. You know it. We both know it.
- Sean: Don´t you give up on me.
- Julia: There´s nothing wrong in knowing when to surrender. We tried our best. No one can fault us for finally admitting that we just can´t do it anymore.
- Sean: You've seen how he treats women: like they're sub-human.
- Liz: Hasn't stopped me from working with Christian.
- Christian: Don’t take this the wrong way. But you’re a better man than I am.
- Liz: Damn straight.
- Kimber: I don't believe in love anymore.
Erica Noughton [2.1]
- Christian: Face it, Sean, we're not college kids anymore. Your hairline is up and your ass is down.
- Sean: I'll be sure to put that on your 40th birthday card in a couple of weeks.
- Christian: Can you believe the shit that passes for music these days?
- Girl at bar: Maybe you should hang out here on Thursdays. It's oldies night.
- Girl at bar: What are you doing?
- Christian: Exhibiting a feat of modern technological daring by programming my number into your cell. Thus, proving that I'm a modern man of my times.
- Christian: Can I buy you a drink?
- Girl at bar: [commands Christian] Smile. Thanks, but no thanks.
- Christian: Is there spinach, sweetheart?
- Christian: I didn't realize you are a bitter lipstick lesbian. I'm sorry for taking up your time.
- Girl at bar: Actually, Christian, I love dick. Just not 40-year-old dick.
- Christian: That's perfect, 'cause mine is 35. Why don't we go somewhere dark and private and you can count the rings around my trunk.
- Erica: Do you have a subconscious desire to harm me?
- Sean: I assure you, Erica, any desire I have to harm you is entirely conscious.
- Julia: You slept with my mother.
- Christian: Once. At your wedding.
- Julia: Also at my wedding?
- Christian: So, I see she offered up full disclosure.
- Gina: I don't want my child around cheap common whores.
- Christian: He's around you all the time. Oh correction, you're an expensive whore.
- Christian: Once you've seen a woman's cum face, you've seen her soul.
- Christian: Men age and society says we´ve become more rugged women age and they just become... old.
Christian Troy [2.2]
- Girl: It might be nice if you paid me a little attention first.
- Christian: First come, first served? Why didn't you say so. Saddle up.
- Liz: [sensing the tension between Christian and Sean in the operating room] Is this pistols at 20 paces or is someone gonna get to work here?
- Liz: [to Christian's broken nose] What happened to you? Husband come home early from work?
- Christian: Until now, the worst thing that's happened to this face is a rough exfoliate. I never even had a pimple as a kid.
- Sean: Doesn't look like your orbits are involved, maybe just a deviated septum along with the fractured nasal bone. I'll reset it after surgery. You'll be fine.
- Christian: Fine? This face? No, you gotta make it what it was before, Sean. Perfect.
- Sean: I only do perfect, remember?
- Sean: Tell me what you don't like about yourself. [Silence] If I'm going to work on your nose, Christian, I'd like to follow the same procedure we do for all our patients.
- Christian: We're not here to talk about my nose, Sean. We're here to talk about what just happened in surgery.
- Sean: Nothing happened. There was a minor mishap.
- Christian: You call that river of blood minor?
- Sean: Unger bucked from a bad anesthesia reaction. It's happened before.
- Christian:Your hand palsied again, Sean.
- Sean: No, it didn't.
- Christian: Bullshit. Whatever this problem is, it's getting worse.
- Sean: It's not getting worse.
- Christian: So there is a problem.
- Patient (looking at a model walking by): How do you improve on that, huh?
- Christian: Oh, there are ways. Believe me.
- Patient: [referring to Christian's broken nose] Can I ask you how...?
- Christian: Bedroom acrobatics.
- Patient: Are you here to get it reset?
- Christian: That's for wimps. I'm here to consult with Dr. Jordan about a surgical technique. She's a colleague of mine.
- Dr. Jordan: I couldn't believe it when I saw your name on my appointment sheet. What happened to your nose?
- Christian: That's why I'm here. I broke it during a game of hoops with the boys. I'm looking to have a rhinoplasty A.S.A.P. How's your schedule?
- Dr. Jordan: No moles, but I'd recommend some lipo for those hips.
- Christian: Are you saying I have love handles? I do not have love handles.
- Dr. Jordan: Not that they are noticeable to the untrained eye, but to a professional...
- Christian: Hey, I am a professional, sweetheart. Don't try and sell me something I don't need. Men half my age want to look as good as this, okay? You're the one who needs work done, doctor. Lasik.
Manya Mabika [2.3]
- Sean: [discussing Manya] I don't think this is something we can do!
- Christian: Look, Sean, you may be the expert on nerve reattachment, but I'm a goddamn genius when it comes to pussy. If I build it, she will come.
- Christian: [giving Sean bedroom advice] Have you tried doing the alphabet? Women are right-brained. They are instinctive and verbal. Want to be a better lover? Work on your language skills.
- Sean: [about women's orgasms] We´ll never really know what gets them off just like they´ll never know what it´s like to have a hard-on. It´s like trying to describe the sky to a blind man. We´re just groping in the dark.
- Christian: The procedure is rare. This has nothing to do with your competence as a surgeon.
- Sean: Or your technique as a lover.
- Gina: [to Christian] In case you have forgotton, there is no law against having multiple sexual partners, or you will be on death row.
- Sean McNamara: Remember, We're treating a patient here, not just a vagina.
- Christian Troy: That's easy for you to say. You've never been with Vagina Gina!
Mrs. Grubman [2.4]
- Christian: [to Mrs. Grubman] Tell me what you don't like about yourself...again.
- Kimber:The older I get , the more interesting I get.Sharon Stone was 32 before she hit a big.
- Christian:Sharon stone also got a nose.You are drug addict , Kimber!Keep on going like this and you've been no carier.
- Kimber:What am I suppost to do?I have no money.I am screwed up.
Joel Gideon [2.5]
- Young Doctor: [referring to Sean, who's just survived a car accident] Hey, that's my patient!
- Christian: And he's my partner and best friend. Why would I leave his mug in your inexperienced hands? I have pubic hair older than you!
- Christian: There's a difference between being a pussy and being respectful of fear. It's what reminds me to slide on a johnny hat every time I perform a slipindicktomy on a woman of questionable standards.
- Matt: What are you writing?
- Sean: My obituary. I read somewhere that writing your own was a good motivational tool.
- Mtt: And what does it say?
- Sean: "Dr. Sean McNamara, 101 years old, died Tuesday night of natural causes. Inventor of bipolar liposuction. He was described by his friends and large family as a good doctor, good husband..."
- Matt: ...And a good father.
- Julia: Loss is a part of life. You can't really care for something or someone until you realize that one day, they may be gone. And when they do go, we feel as if everything goes with them and we feel like we'll never really care about anything again. But we do. And we discover that that loss was a gift, that helps us appreciate all of the things we still have.
- Christian: [referring to Wilbur] I love him. I love him more than I´ve ever loved anyone or anything in my life. Cicely´s right. I´ve held hundreds of women in my bed and counted the minutes till the sun came up and I could get rid of them. But when it´s late at night and that little boy is asleep in my arms I wish the Earth could just freeze there forever.
- Christian: [to Gina, about fighting for Wilbur's custody] Get your coat and your bitch on.
- Christian: [saying farewell to Wilbur] Never give a girl your number, always take hers. Keeps you in control. No American cars. German, Italian, or the occasional English. Treat yourself to a barber shop shave once a month. Take a beautiful girl to Florence and eat at the Enoteca. Talk to Marino, he'll take care of you. Tell him you're my son. Don't take any crap from anyone, you're better than that. But.. try to be good to people. Never get too jaded to care. Remember me. Remember me."
Bobbi Broderick [2.6]
- Christian: [to Sean] If Anne Frank were hiding in your attic, she wouldn't have gotten past the words 'Dear Diary.' I'm putting pussy lips back on the schedule!
- Christian: [upon learning Liz's wish to become a mother] Medusa's going to breed?
- Christian: [pointing to an overweight patient and referring to Liz's wish to become a mother] Not fair, they let him get pregnant.
- Matt: She's the life coach my mom hired to get my grades up.
- Christian: Your grades, asshole, not your dick!
- Ava: I have no idea you are so puritanical.
- Christian: I am a goddamn pilgrim.
- Christian: I'll have you arrested for statutory rape.
- Ava: Matt's 17. By Florida laws he is a consenting adult.
- Christian: You certainly know your rape laws.
- Ava: For someone who according to Matt has had his share of teenage girls, you are stupid if you don't.
Naomi Gaines [2.7]
- Ava: [to Adrian] You are not too old to get a backhand and I'm wearing heavy rings.
- Matt: No, this whole family is bullshit. And you're the reason why.
- Julia: Don't talk to me like that, I am still your mother.
- Matt: You're not my mother, you're a whore.
- [Julia raises her hand, but Matt blocks it.]
- Matt: Even if you did hit me, it would still be true.
Agatha Ripp [2.8]
- Liz: I'm getting my kid baptized.
- Christian: Over my dead body.
- Liz: Easily arranged.
- Liz: I loved being a Catholic when I was a kid. The drama of it. The feeling that there was a mysterious man in the heavens watching out for you.
- Sean: When did you lapse?
- Liz: When I became a pro-choice lesbian.
- Julia: He's not your son.
- Sean: What are you talking about? I was there when he was conceived. I pulled him out of you when he was born. He's everything like me; too emotionally shut off, he's tuned in his head. This thing with Ava... is completely not McNamara like, I'll give you that. Is that what you're trying to say? Is that what you're saying?!
- Julia: I didn't mean--
- Sean: Just answer me! I am Matt's father!
- Julia: Christian is!
- Sean: [after punching Christian to the ground] I loved you the most!
- Sean: Agatha Ripp did at least have one point that makes sense. That Bible quote, "Watch out for false prophets, they come to you in sheep´s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves". That´s what the devil is, you know. Not some obvious Machiavellian figure with horns and a tail but a silent foe disguised as friend. Someone you trust, even love, whom you let into your life only to find out too late they´ve made a shambles of it.
Rose & Raven Rosenberg [2.9]
- Christian: [discussing the force majeure clause in the partnership contract] But there's gotta be a statute of limitation on this.
- Sean: There is no statute of limitation for being a back-stabbing asshole.
- Christian: Fine, but it won't be a mole removal. You want out? It's gonna get invasive. I get the furniture which I picked out for the waiting room, the anesthesia machine. And Liz.
- Matt: Look, what's happened between the three of you is painful. But we can fix this.
- Sean: Your mother slept with my best friend, and you were the result, and I didn't know for 17 years, so stop defending them!
- Matt: Yeah, and my mother is sleeping in a hotel because you kicked her out, and I can hear you crying through the walls at night, so don't you dare scream at me!
- Sean: [discussing Julia] Do you want to be with her now?
- Christian: Thought about it.
- Sean: Do you think Matt looks like you?
- Christian: Yes.
- Sean: When you masturbate, do you ever think about her?
- Christian: Yes.
- Sean: Did you ever ask her to not marry me?
- Christian: No.
- Sean: Did you want to?
- Christian: Yes.
- Sean: I think you're forgetting how we met. You paid for my tray at the cafeteria and then begged me to tutor you up to a 'B' in microbiology.
- Christian: And that tutoring bumped your 'A-' to an 'A', doctor. You have never appreciated my contribution to this partnership.
- Sean: So I have your ineptitude to thank?
- Christian: No, you have my 10-inch dick to thank. Surgery is the one place where you're more of a man than I am. And you need to be better because somewhere in your twisted brian, you think that's what keeps Julia. So you work hard and you focus. And for all your bullshit about carrying me, you've never been able to leave. You can't do this without me.
- Sean: [to Christian] Fine. Raise Matt. I spent 17 years trying to corral your bad genetics. Let's see if you can do better.
- Christian: We had a system. If I had a girl in the room, I put the Men at Work album outside so you know not to come in. But you're the one who insisted on coming in most of the time. Pussy, I knew what you wanted. You wanted to see me screw because it was the closest you could get to being laid.
- Christian: We're not having a three way.
- Sean: Why not, everything else has been... I'll pay, Julia.
- Renée: Uh, my name's Renée.
- Sean: Not tonight, tonight it's Julia [Christian blows out smoke while shaking head] ...Isn't this what you've always wanted, Christian? ...Isn't this your dream? ..To be with Julia and I here in this moment?
- Christian: You're crazy.
- Sean: And you haven't got the balls!
- Renée: Maybe I should come back?
- Christian: No.... Stay, Julia.
Kimber Henry [2.10]
- Sean: Call me old fashioned, but I like a girl with a few flaws and a brain.
- Christian: And look at where that got you!
Natasha Charles [2.11]
- Christian: Look it's men. We're just wired that way, even if some small part of our brain actually gives a damn about your soul, it's always short-circuited by the part that wants to get into your pants.
- Erica: When I said you should make the most out of yourself I wasn't referring to your bra size.
- Natasha: The best thing of being blind is that you don't fear the unknown, cause everything's unknown.
Julia McNamara [2.12]
- Sean: Actually I worked for Médecins Sans Frontières.
- Christian: What?
- Sean: Doctors without borders.
- Christian: Oh yeah, yeah... I read about that in Time magazine. You fix some guy's cleft after walking into landmines. That kind of shit.
Oona Wentworth [2.13]
- Principal Wentworth: Excuse me, Miss Moore. If I had a dime for every time a parent threatens legal action, I'd be living in Key West, sipping Piña Coladas and writing short stories.
- Christian: Sorry I'm late.
- Principal Wentworth: Have a seat, Mr. McNamara.
- Christian: It's Troy. Dr. Christian Troy.
- Principal Wentworth: I'm confused. I thought you were his father.
- Christian: I am. I'm his, uh, biological father.
- Matt: I have two dads.
- Principal Wentworth: Well, was there a divorce? Oh, got it. Two dads. Emily Willis has two mommies. We're seeing more and more of this.
- Christian: Matt's father is my partner, Dr. Sean McNamara.
- Principal Wentworth: I understand.
- Matt: They're not gay, Miss Wentworth. My Mom slept with Christian before she married my Dad.
- Adrian: Technically, I don't have any father figures, but Matt's living in my house and screwing my Mom, so I pretend he's my Dad.
- Ava: It's true, Miss Wentworth. Matt and I are lovers. I was his life coach.
- Adrian: You see, Matt has a problem. He's a premature ejaculator.
- Principal Wentworth: OK, enough. I deal with dysfunctional families on a daily basis. And trust me, everyone has a story, and none of you are that special.
- Sean: I know you've slept with some strange types, Christian, but a 50-year-old school principal?
- Christian: Put it on my tomb stone. Here lies Christian Troy. He was never predictable.
- Christian: There are times I want to feel more May, than September for a change.
- Sean: Here is the new world order, Christian. You keep Matt informed on how to minimize orange streaks at spray-on tanning salons, and I'm in charge of all matters concerning his education.
Trudy Nye [2.14]
Sean McNamara [2.15]
- Christian: [to Gina] You're like herpes. Every time I feel like I'm getting my life back, I have a Gina outbreak.
- Christian: [to Erica] Why would I consider using a condom? You haven't had a pregnancy scare since Gabe Kaplan was a celebrity.
- The Carver: Beauty is a curse on the world. It keeps us from seeing who the real monsters are.
- The Carver: Amazing drug, isn't it? It's a rarefied form of metocurine chloride. They use it on psych patients...causes a kind of 'waking coma'...should wear off in a few minutes...mmm....it's like a plane crash though...a few minutes away to hit the ground can feel like a lifetime. Awful feeling...being totally helpless...having no control...that's how most people spend their lives...slaves to the tyranny of beauty...carb counting, kick-boxing and chemical peels. I'm rescuing them from all that...and you are destroying...my...work. They call me the 'Carver'. You're the 'Carver'. Fifty noses all the same. A thousand flawless breasts. You're the monster carving what's beautiful and real out of life.
- Christian:I might be HIV positive.This is serious , Kimber. You have to get yourself tested.
- Kimber:Well , I have been every month. I've got my DNA results last week.Um... HIV , chlamydia, gonorrhea. I'm clean.
- Christian:Good , good.(hugs Kimber).I still have one call to make - James and Wilbur.
- Kimber:Hey , it's gonna be okay.
- Christian:I'm alone , Kimber. I had sex with thousand women but the truth is that I haven't been into committed with one.
- Kimber:You are into committed with me.You tried to be at least.And that counts for something.
- Christian:Why you're so good to me?
- Kimber:Because I love you , Christian.
- Christian:You love the idea of me.Money , good looks , nice things.I prefer I'm your perfect man.But how you gonna feel about me when I have no hair and I can't eat a bowl brown rice without throwing up them?Hanging in a hospital...
- Kimber:Your heart will still be there.And so will I.
Joan Rivers [2.16]
- Joan Rivers: My body's dropping so fast my gynecologist needs a hard hat.
- Ava: Vodka on the rocks? If memory serves, you downed one of these the last time you were here barking up similar hallow threats. Drink up and get out.
- [Christian smashes the glass]
- Ava: How barbaric. Despite your doctor's degree and sleek veneer of sophistication, when it comes to women and how to treat them, you've crawled right out of the cave.
- Christian: You lubricate acid. If I stuck my dick in you, it would sizzle off.
- Ava: It would sizzle alright.
Momma Boone [3.1]
- Liz: [referring to Christian] He's the only straight man I ever met who was arrogant enough to think that he could convert me. Sometimes, I hated the guy. But most of the time, I loved him.
- Christian: [Referring to prolonging Momma Boone's surgery of separating her from the couch] She's not Julia, Sean. The separation can't go on forever.
- Kimber: [after Christian asked her to marry him] You know how many times I have fantasized about hearing you ask me that? ...And what kills me the most is that I didn't even hear the words 'I love you'.I jus can't , Christian.I can't be that person who you settle for just because your tired and depressed.I'm not ready to call today.I'm not ready to come die with you.
- Kimber: [after walking in on Christian having sex with Kit] First you propose to me. Now you're screwing another girl. Who are you?
- Christian: I'm me again, baby. I'm back.
- Erica: That's the beauty of youth. There are no mistakes, just research.
- Christian: There's really no point in having a consultation without the patient present.
- Dr. Forsythe: She's a gorilla.
- Sean: Well, I'm sure you're exaggerating.
- Christian: What is it with you and this animal?
- Liz: She is an outcast from her tribe, and she is suffering because of it. I know what that feels like.
- Christian: Ok, I just want to point out that it was you who compared yourself to a gorilla, not me.
- Christian: Look. Maybe Kumba can see past Kiki's scar, to her "inner beauty" -- Maybe he's not a shallow bastard like the rest of us.
- Dr. Forsythe: Don't be so hard on yourself. Beauty attracts to preserve the species. In evolutionary terms, Dr. Troy, all males are bastards.
- Erica: [to Matt] I don't care what kind of sex you have or with whom. But if you're so appalled by your own feelings that you deny their existence, they'll run your tight little ass for the rest of your repressed middle-brow life. Do you want a safe life or an authentic one?
Derek, Alex, and Gary [3.3]
- Sean: [about Christian] If I can't offer him naked Victoria's Secret models and a case of Cristal, I'm a persona non grata on a Friday night.
- Christian: My girlfriend I can handle, it's my girlfriend's girlfriend that's wiping me out.
- Quentin: You are my idol. How do you get up for work?
- Christian: The sex isn't the exhausting part. It's the constant jockeying for position. I am trying to establish myself as the Walk of Cock here.
- Christian: Three tickets for the Vin Diesel movie.
- Kimber: I thought we're watching Jude Law.
- Christian: [rolls eyes] I'm not watching three hours of Jude Law. Doesn't he get castrated at the end of this one?
- Kimber: You always choose the movie. We haven't seen anything I like in the past two years.
- Christian: I'm sorry the movies I like are not the cinematic masterpieces you direct, Kimber.
- Kimber: These 'masterpieces' grossed more in first-month DVD sales than you made the entire year last year, asshole.
- Christian: [to Kit] This is all your fault. You are constantly whispering in her ear to box me out. [Edit] Kimber and I understand each other. We have a shorthand. [buys two movie tickets and storms off] Jerk each other off.
- Christian: College BJ's are cute and nice. But aim a little higher.
- Sean: Wake up, Christian! Our coddling and laissez-faire attitude led him to getting pissed on by a bunch of transexuals!
- Sean: The Hutton Academy is not a military school. It's a disciplinary institution.
- Christian: And the two plums between my legs are not balls, they're testicles.
- Matt: You wouldn't dare mess up your most perfect work.
- Sean: I already have!
- Christian: Kimber's not a condiment from IHOP, sweetheart, she's not to be passed around the table.
- Christian: [toasting to the foursome] To even numbers.
- Kit: I had higher expectations of you Christian, but the truth is you're nothing more than a domesticated housecat with an expensive haircut, and no sense of adventure.
- Christian: Domesticated or not there is no pussy for you here.
- Sean: I have an 8:30 lift with Quentin.
- Christian: Make sure you don't drop the scalpel. Our new partner plays for both teams.
- Sean: Could you have misinterpreted?
- Christian: I've never had a buddy of mine stick his pinky up my ass just for shits and giggles.
- Christian: I think he has a man-crush on you.
- Sean: Me? It is you that he's trying to screw!
- Julia: With all due respect you know more about the different classes of tequila than you do parenting.
- Christian: I know enough to know that the pound wouldn't give either of you a 10 year old mutt covered in shit right now.
Rhea Reynolds [3.4]
- Sean: My guess it's phantom pain.
- Christian: Who do I see for phantom pain, Ghostbusters?
- Sean: What's the big deal? What part of you being or having an asshole could shock me?
- Christian: Is this surgery or open mic night at the lesbian coffee bar?
Granville Trapp [3.5]
- Sean: The police found a condom a the crime scene with Christian's DNA.
- Quentin: So? The police planted it, that happens all the time.
- Sean: DNA doesn't lie.
- Quentin: Ask O.J. He'll tell you otherwise.
- Christian: Fourteen hours in this place without a cup of coffee even Ghandi would become a narcoleptic.
- Christian: Throw a stone down South Beach and you would hit some model I did not call back.
- Christian: [to Kit] If I'm not home by ten o'clock and deep into a beer and some Chinese food, I'll have my lawyer sue you for defamation of character, false arrest and, if possible, being a royal bitch.
- Quentin: I think you know more about someone in the first five minutes than you do in an entire twenty-year relationship. Those first gut instincts, they're always right. It's time and sentimentality that cloud the mind's ability to judge.
- Liz: [to Sean, about Christian] You've known him for twenty years and you would have never imagined that he was Matt's father.
- Christian: I used to fantasize when I was beaten and molested by my foster father that everything would be okay because my mother was an angel watching over me. She'd want to see me make something out of this life. (edit)
- Christian: If I didn't fight back, it's because in some kind of way I feel like I deserve it.
- Sean: For what?
- Christian: For what? For screwing Julia when you were engaged, for cheating on every girlfriend I've ever had, for charging ten grand to raise a pair of sagging tits on some socialite bitch, for generally being a soulless man. Take your pick.
- Christian: I haven't struck out like this since there was a rumor that I had genital warts.
Ben White [3.7]
- Joan Rivers: Don't think of me as a celebrity. Think of me as a familiar face that changes every couple years.
- Joan Rivers: Ladies. Time is money. And at my age, inflation is a bitch.
- Julia: Semen's an anti-depressant. It has mood-altering hormones in it. I read about it.
- Liz: Didn't do a thing for me.
- Gina: [amazed by the medical propertes of semen] That's unbelievable! My entire life I thought there was a psychological reason why I'm a sex addict--turns out I was just jonesin' for jizz.
- Gina: [concerned about a potential lawsuit from Joan Rivers] Look on the bright side. The tabloids will go nuts. 'Spa Trio Gives Jizz To Joan'. We'll be famous. Well, she'll be famous, we'll be stoned in the streets.
- Christian: The American Architecture Award. Impressive.
- Ben White: I got it for an atrium house I designed in 2001. I utilised the power of negative space. The beauty of what's missing.
- Dr. Sagamore: Six figures isn't doing it for you anymore?
- Sean: I want to be of service. I left my practice, my wife, my son and daughter. I always thought I'd die without them but I didn't. I'm alive. Alive with nothing to live for.
- Dr. Sagamore: Could you speak up? It's hard to hear through all those violins.
- Sean: Just what you always wanted, right? No ethical restraints and a shitload of money.
- Christian: You left out sexual depravity and devil worship.
- Christian: [referring to Sean] He was my mirror, you know? I'd look at him and see who I was.
- Kimber: Baby, you can't depend on mirrors. They can make you look fat or old or too thin. And Sean's made you look small. Way smaller than you are.
- Christian: Today I took off a man's leg so he could feel whole. [Edit] I guess you just have to do whatever it is that makes you feel complete, no matter how crazy it is. All I know is that without you, something's missing. Us. You and me. Til death do us part. I love you. Marry me. Say yes, Kimber.
Tommy Bolton [3.8]
- Quentin: This business needs to be a bullet train, not the Little Engine That Could.
- Christian: De La Merde (a play on words for De La Mer) is a glorified massage parlour. And once everyone finds out its proprietors are a dyke, a whore and a housewife, those three 'businesswomen' will be stuck giving rub and tugs just to keep their client list up.
- Christian: I grew up in foster homes with nothing. Now I have a life. I have a fiancee, friends, a business. You can get through anything if you want to.
- Gail: Not if you have a living reminder of your pain coming over for dinner every Friday night. I have worked hard to build walls around my family so that none of that ugliness that your father did to me would ever get in and stain us.
- Christian: Is that what I am to you? A stain?
- Gail: No. You're my son. But I can't be your mother.
- Sean: That's what families are for--breaking our hearts.
- Nikki: And putting them back together.
Hannah Tedesco [3.9]
- Quentin: [on phone] Talk to you later, Chris. [to Christian] Guess whose literary agent contact got us the front page of the New England Journal of Medicine?
- Christian: Is Chris a boy or a girl?
- Quentin: She's a girl, Christian. With a bit of a mustache problem, so I just pretend she's a boy when I'm banging her in the ass.
- Sean: I am in the middle of packing up my house.
- Christian: And Quentin and I are in the middle of a facial transplant!
- Sean: I know this is hard for you, Christian. I've been either at your side or in the next room for every one of your surgeries but you need to get used to having an identity as a doctor without me.
- Christian: This isn't about me. This is about a patient, a young girl who deserves to be more than just a failed ego-driven experiment written up in medical journals.
- Christian: I don't want you in the porn business any more. Period. And I want you to stop selling those dolls. Do you realize how many men are boning you right now? I went online. Hundreds of those things have been sold.
- Kimber: Twelve hundred and thirty eight. Each sale's eight thousand dollars in my pocket, by the way.
- Christian: Well, now we're getting married, you don't need the money.
- Kimber: It's not about the money, Christian. This is about my career.
- Christian: How would you feel if I took a mould of my cock, passed it round South Beach and called it a career?
- Kimber: If hundreds of men can use my doll to get off four times a day, you screwing one Kimber wannabe isn't the end of the world. You are cheating on me with... Me!
- Christian: So I can screw all your graduates now?
- Kimber: After the wedding, we agree on two things. No more porn for me, and no more affairs for you. [Edit] Oh, don't worry, there's a clause in there that still allows for threesomes.
Madison Berg [3.10]
- Sean: Since Julia and I split up, have you and she ever talked about giving it a try?
- Christian: I don't think we've both ever been single at the same time.
- Sean: That's not an answer.
- Christian: I don't harbour any feelings for her if that's what you're asking. I wouldn't do that to you. Again.
- Cake Tasting Hostess: [to Christian and Sean] I'm sorry, I just have to say something: I've been doing this for a lot of years, and you two are the most elegant, sharing couple I've ever met.
- Julia: My fears about Sean turned into the need to find out if you were really the one.
- Christian: Theres still something. Someting unresolved between us. After all these years.
- Julia: Sleeping together didn't resolve anything. We simply made a mistake that many people paid dearly for.
- Julia: [to Sean and Christian] So much water under the bridge. And here we are. Still standing. Still pretty fantastic. Let's toast us. To survival with grace.
- Kimber: A way to a man's heart is not entrapping him with your tragedy.
- Kimber: Did he do this to you? All this bitterness as a result of loving you too much?
- Gina: No, I was always a bitch.
- Christian: Maybe I'll always be alone. Maybe thats just the way it's meant to be.
- Sean: You know, you've never really been alone.
- Christian: Really? My bride left me at the altar. My partner left me for a midlife crisis. Am I missing something?
- Sean: I can help you with one of those things. I'd like to come back to the practice.
- Christian: You mean that?
- Sean: I do.
Abby Mays [3.11]
- Christian: I'm a widely successful plastic surgeon with great hair, pro-white teeth and a 33-inch waist. I'm a goddamn superhero and I'm going to put that cape back on, fly back into every singles bar in town and bang myself silly.
- Christian: Beauty is symmetry, and you don't have any. First, I'll need to get rid of all this nasty cottage cheese. And here, with some laser hair removal to keep this forest under control. These mud flaps will need to be lopped off. Have you ever picked up anything heavier than a carton of Haagan-Daaz?
- Sean: We don't need you for this surgery, Quentin. Why don't you just go home?
- Christian: Or why don't you head down to the docks? I hear there's a whole bunch of sailors just arrived with three-day passes.
- Sean: [to Julia] Here's something that slipped through the crack. Some guy's cock in your boyfriend's ass!
- Liz: Look, after being attacked, accused of murder, rejected by your mother, and dumped by your bride, who wouldn't be angry? It all makes sense. You've had a really rough year, Christian, but you shouldn't be taking it out on her.
- Christian: Enough with your feminazi bullshit, Liz! [Edit] Shut up and serve the surgeon!!
- Christian: (to abby) what are you doing here,have you mustered enough self respect to tell me what an asshole i am
- Abby Mays: Just because I am ugly, doesn't mean I'm attracted to ugly, Dr. Troy. I get all the magazines. I watch MTV. I'm as affected by the media as anyone else.
Sal Perri [3.12]
- Natalie: [to Julia] Ma's O-negative. She said, 'The best part about being a universal donor was that she could never be so broke that she couldn't give something to the needy.'
- Julia: Your mom's a baseball fan?
- Natalie: Nah. She's just an ex-Catholic who believes God speaks to us through the Red Sox.
- Julia: What's God trying to say?
- Natalie: Miracles happen. Believe in someone enough and they'll surprise you.
- Sean: You're a remarkable person, Jules. Every time I look at you in there, so capable, strong, not afraid of any of it. You'd have made a much better doctor than I am. I always thought I was the one who could handle anything. Who wasn't afraid to get his hands dirty, could deal with all the shit that's just part of life. I never wanted to know about Matt because I couldn't live with the truth. I never asked about you and Christian. I couldn't deal with all the questions I'd have to ask about us.
- Sean: There's a reason I'm a plastic surgeon. If something's ugly, I fix it. What's imperfect, I make perfect, wipe away the mess, make it all nice. I couldn't do what these guys do. Life and death. Losing more than you save and moving on to the next, just one after the other.
- Julia: [talking to the body identified as Erica] I forgive you for not loving me. It's Okay. I didn't love you either. I just craved your approval like it was somehow possible to get. I saved a life tonight, Mother. Well, two lives actually. A stranger's and my own.
- Quentin: Sometimes people misinterpret me until they get to know me.
- Julia: I know you. I know you're someone who can only be big by making others feel small. I know I don't need people like you in my life anymore. And I know you're fired.
- Quentin: You are a bitch.
- Julia: At least I am not yours.
Joy Kringle [3.13]
- Joy Kringle: With childhood obesity rates the way they are today, fat is not an image we want to promote any more. [Edit] It's our sincere hope that by the time your kids have kids, Doctor, Santa will no longer be thought of as the fat man. He'll be trim, tight and a little bit sexy.
- Christian Troy: What about the elves? I always thought it was indentured servitude. Are you going to do something about that?
- Christian: The Messiah? Liz, I thought you were an athiest.
- Liz: I kinda go on the wagon around the holidays. You miss out on too much good music if you don't.
- Matt: You're not supposed to take it literally. The story is for kids. Jesus is Santa Claus for adults.
- Christian: Not a bad way to spend the holidays.
- Matt: Two single men, watching football, eating Chinese. That's America.
Cherry Peck [3.14]
- Sean: To our profession. The only field of medicine dedicated to both the fixing of what isn't broken and rebuilding of the unrepairable.
- Kimber: He wouldn't have hurt me if you hadn't given me all those surgeries. You made me think that I needed them for you to love me. It's true. Beauty is a curse on the world.
- Kimber: On our first date, you said that I was an eight. You were honest with me. I need you to tell me what I am now as honestly as you did then. From one to ten.
- [Christian draws the curtain and sees Kimber who has been carved. The Carver has reversed all her surgeries.]
- Christian: I'll make you a ten again, sweetheart, I promise. I'll make you a ten again.
- Kimber: I can't do this anymore, Christian. I can't be this beautiful couple who spends six hundred dollars a month on tanning salons, who takes an hour to get ready just to go to the gym, who measure people's worth by their body fat percentage.
- Christian: This is perfectly normal. It's called Stockholm Syndrome. Kidnapping victims sympathise with their captors. It's a survival strategy.
- Kimber: He wasn't my captor. You were. Porn was. He was just the man holding up the mirror to our beautiful, superficial lives showing me how grotesque they were. It's just ugliness hidden behind a perfect mask. How am I supposed to be with you when your job is to give everyone those masks?
- Quentin: Kit, if you want to catch this guy, may I recommend that you expand the scope of your suspects beyond those who know whether you're shaved, waxed or natural
Quentin Costa [3.15]
- Gina: [to Christian, who is repairing her carved face] Don't screw this up, asshole. I'm planning to get a book-deal out of this and I don't want to look like the Joker on my dust jacket.
- Kit: I just want to know what it's like for someone like you. An out lesbian working in a male-dominated field helping women stuff their bodies with silicone? Holding strong to those feminist beliefs must be awfully frustrating at times.
- Liz: Let me save you the trouble, OK? I am not some bitter femmy Nazi trying to get back at the world. And I certainly didn't carve my bosses as payback for who they are. And beauty is not a curse, it's a commodity. And I've never had any illusions about what I do.
Cindy Plumb [4.1]
- Dr. Faith Wolper: Have you ever had any loving adult relationships?
- Christian: Yeah, sure.
- Dr. Faith Wolper: What happened?
- Christian: One of them married Sean and the other... Well, it just didn’t work out. It wasn’t my fault. Even Sean couldn’t make it work with her.
- Mother of the mother-daughter duo in Christian's bedroom: Do you know what kind of women accept not being kissed? Whores. We’re not whores.
- Christian: No, you’re the goddamn Mother of the Year.
- Burt Landau: My balls are no longer proportionate to my wang. [Edit] Feels like I got an SUV riding around on training wheels down there.
- Burt Landau: Brains, brains can help you recognise an opportunity but it is balls that make you a risk-taker.
- Sean: Buy us? We are not for sale!
- Christian: We are at this price. [Edit] This man eats paper planes and shits out space shuttles.
- Christian: Think about it, Sean. Look at what your 70-hour work week did to Matt.
- Sean: Your genes are as responsible for that as are my work habits.
- Liz: His-and-her facelifts. If this is indicative of the state of relationships in the 21st century, then I'm staying single.
- Christian: And cocker spaniels all over south Florida howl in relief.
- Sean: Where is Christian?
- Liz: I'm sure his spirits are here, but his body is still in the tanning booth.
- Sean: I was in the neighborhood driving by and decided to see my partner. ...Why is there a statue of a cock in the living room?
- Christian: It's abstract art, Sean.
Blu Monday [4.2]
- Christian: Sweetheart, everything I need to know about you is bouncing around in front of my face.
- Blu Mondae: I couldn’t even get a job at SeaWorld because my tits weren't 'family-friendly'.
- Christian: There is no pro bono for boning a pro.
- Sean: I don't think it matters. Matt's fully cooked. It's too late to change the ingredients now.
- Christian:You scared , baby.Oh c'mon I will never hurt that perfect reconstructed body of yours.It's my best work!
- Kimber:Christian , I can't see you anymore.You're not good for me.
- Christian:But my son is?That's why you go after him?
- Kimber:I didn't go after Matt.We met at the gym.He's miserble and lost!
- Christian:And you disided what?That you can rescue him?Maybe put in one of your movies?Sweet paggent got here.What?did you do some snap films?
- Kimber:I don't do that absordive work anymore.I found something more imcradibble with my corvalues.
- Christian:Kitty porn?Yes!That's almost eighteen!You must be talking about that brain suck covsted to join!
- Kimber:It's religion , Christian!I needed something spiritual in my life!
- Christian:Oh , that's bulshit and you know it!What we had was spiritual, Kimber. I made you see God everytime you came.
- KimberYou made me see garbage , Christian!I was nothing to you!I was get fixed robot then you can throw pain on!
- Christian:You're such a freaking hipocrite.You was the one who seduced me when you thurned out I was a plastic surgeon who can get you everything you wanted!You were never more than ambitious peace of ass!
- Kimber:You need to go.You need to go right now!How much more pain you need to cause me before you think I've had enough!
- Christian:Look whatever I did.Whatever we did to each other.I loved you.
- Kimber:You loved your creation.You've never loved me becouse you've never saw who I really was!I was just something made up in your head!
- Christian:But I see you now , Kimber.And you know what?You're dangerous becouse you're weak.You can live whitout some oner or something to suck off.And your love and your religion.But if you start feading on my son.I swear there's not ne place on earth that will keep you safe from me!
- Christian: They both have physical problems that need treating. What makes his face more deserving than her tits?
- Sean: And you're just a goddamn Mother Teresa, Christian.
- Man at consult: The world we live in has a certain aesthetic, and you can't enjoy its privileges without conforming to a higher standard.
Monica Wilder [4.3]
- Sean: Christian, this is classic body dysmorphic disorder. Look at yourself at the mirror, you are a model of physical perfection.
- Christian: I know, but I can be better. I know I can. Would you tell a millionaire to stop making money?!
- Christian: There's an epidemic of obesity in this country and it's our job to exemplify a healthy alternative.
- Sean: Passing on the Key Lime Pie or that second bottle of Merlot might be a more reasonable way to set an example.
- Christian: Diet? [Edit] No, Sean. We’re in the quick fix biz.
- Christian: So you’ll give your night nurse a nose job but you won't give your partner some lunchtime lipo?
- Dr. Mike Hamoui: Are you staring at my dick?
- Christian: No, I'm checking out your ass.
- Christian: How do you get that lineation in your abs there? I’ve been doing a thousand crunches a week and I can’t seem to get mine to pop like that.
- Dr. Mike Hamoui: I have protein shakes for breakfast and lunch and a light dinner, and no refined sugars. And I’m in here every day.
- Christian: How do you find the time?
- Dr. Mike Hamoui: Well, the hour you spend watching Sports Center, I'm in here. During your forty-five minute lunch at Joe Stone Crab, I'm jogging down the Strand. Gotta make the sacrifices.
- Christian: Sacrifices? You’re a goddamn physical terrorist.
- Christian: With the amount of high-calorie choices available to consumers these days and the enormous portions restaurants are shoving in your face, surgery is the only solution for some people.
- Liz: Standing proud with your fat-ternity brother, Christian? You can’t hide behind those slimming scrubs anymore, Superchub. I saw the tape.
- Christian: I don’t think it’s appropriate to discuss your new jerk-off material over surgery.
- Liz: Oh, I didn't masturbate to your sex tape, Christian. I am not a chubby-chaser.
- Christian: Oh yeah? Can you still find a cooch under that gunt? [turns to Michelle, who just entered the operationg room] Michelle, can you stop contaminating the sterile environment?
- Liz: You can sing whatever song you want to in front of them (Sean and Christian), but I will not let your gay-shame cost me my job. You know, I thought having a woman run this place was gonna make a big difference, but with you it's all espresso machines and fresh carpeting, Michelle. I am still working for a dick!
- Dr. Mike Hamoui: Aren't your partner with Sean McNamara? How come he isn't doing this for you?
- Christian: We are too busy to give in-house freebies.
- Christian: [referring to Conor's birth] So he was born. He won't even remember it. [Edit] Call me when your kid needs stitches or learn how to tie a Windsor knot.
Shari Noble [4.4]
- Christian: Michelle is the kind of woman who wants to feel like a spider and I’m a helpless little fly caught in her web.
- Liz: Do you think that you could teach me to be as full of shit as you are?
- Christian: I thought lesbians didn’t play games. I thought it was all about cuddling and sharing of depilatory cream.
- Christian: [attempting to pick up a girl at a lesbian bar] I can munch, dive and fish better than any girl in this place. Plus I have in my possession a very life-like dildo just in case you decide to get kinky.
- Christian: [After Michelle slaps him in the face for making a pass at her] Just so you know, sweetie-pie, I’m not in to S&M.
- Christian: You and I both know you spent hours deliberating which dress in your closet best displays that world-class cleavage of yours. Since you love being a businesswoman so much, Michelle, let me give you the bottom line. You either get real with me and give in to what we’re both feeling, or sell me my business back. Although my nurses might enjoy it, I don’t like doing surgery with a hard-on.
- Christian: Your chocolate cupcakes are looking very tasty this morning, Michelle.
- Liz: Oh I get it. A straight man mentions sex, it's not sexual harrassment. It's foreplay.
- Christian: I won't tell him your secret if you don't tell him mine.
- Michelle: What's your secret?
- Christian: That I made love to his wife before dinner.
Dawn Budge [4.5]
- [Christian and James at lunch together]
- Christian: The jig is up, sweetheart. It's time to take your little whore and pony show to a different city. Michelle told me about your escort ring.
- James: We haven't even ordered the wine yet, Dr. Troy. Shall we share a bottle of Pinot Noir? I know we both enjoy the darker varietals.
- Christian: I don't have that kind of liquidity right now.
- James: Then I suggest you melt some of your money.
- James: Then I have a proposition for you that might ease your pain. I'll knock down your first payment to something more manageable, say seventy-five thousand, if you throw in a hand-job. Don't be vulgar. I want a hand rejuvenation.
- Christian: I thought vampires kept their looks forever.
- Dawn Budge: It is time my body matched my bank account.
- Mallory Budge: If that's what you're after, you'd been skinny your whole life.
- Christian: I can vacuum you down to a skeleton, Dawn, but I can’t suck out the white trash, now, can I? You want pro-class, you’re gonna need a new face and wardrobe to go with your new body.
- Dawn Budge: Are you gay, Dr. Troy?
- Christian: No, but for a price, I will play Queer Eye for you.
- Sean: [referring to the ring he intends on giving to Julia] It’s a little out of my range.
- Christian: You banged the night nurse, Sean.
- Sean: I'll take it.
- Matt: [upon seeing Christian and Sean with a Porsche] So whose turn is it to have a mid-life crisis?
- Dawn Budge: I wanna buy one more thing, Dr. Troy. A night with you. I need Dwight to know he can’t do what he did without consequences. Basically, I want a revenge screw.
- Christian: Revenge is a dish best served cold.
- Dawn Budge: I will pay you a hundred thousand dollars.
- Christian: I wouldn't sit on the same toilet seat as you for a hundred grand.
- Dawn Budge: Name your price, sexy man.
- Christian: Four hundred thousand bucks gets you ten minutes. Strictly missionary, nothing kinky.
- Dawn Budge: I'll throw in an extra twenty if we can do it on the rug.
- Christian: I'm doing this after hours because I don't want Michelle to know. You deal with me now.
- James: You're not going to tell her the sacrifices you're making on her behalf? And they say chivalry is dead.
- Christian: [about her rejuvenated hands] How do they feel?
- James: Clean. Untouched by time. If only you could do the same with my heart.
- James: I was planning on having a little more fun with you, Dr. Troy. You're cute when you squirm.
Faith Wolper, Phd [4.6]
- Christian: I can't keep giving you just a part of me, and not all of me.
- Sean: [to Christian] Do you realize, between the two of us, that we've almost ruined a marriage and a business by sleeping with the wrong women this month?
Burt Landau [4.7]
- Christian: Free surgeries are like sex without an orgasm.
- Sean: Unless, of course, the patient’s name is Blu Mondae, in which case the free surgery follows an orgasm.
Conor McNamera [4.8]
- Julia: Do you know the difference between God and a surgeon? God doesn’t think he’s a surgeon.
- Sean: At the moment, I’m grateful for every single surgery that’s giving me the skill to make my son whole.
- Evetta: [to Christian] I was talking about my heartburn, dummy. I don’t need no Hoover vacuum stealing my ass. Where I come from, I don’t get lipo to attract a man. I eat another cherry pie and put more junk in my trunk.
- Christian: This is for old times’ sake. Tell me what you don’t like about yourself.
- Evetta: Can I answer that one? Cause there are a few things I don’t like about Driving Miss Crazy here.
- Mrs. Grubman: No, you can’t answer that one, Evetta. If I wanted someone with an opinion, I’d have hired Star Jones.
Liz Cruz [4.9]
- Christian: I'm way past shooting for sainthood, sweetheart. God gave me a dick and I intend to glorify him by playing that organ as intensely and as often as possible.
- James: Let’s face it, Christian, not every man can appreciate the experience of a perfectly aged single malt. Smoky scent, sweet and salty taste.
- Christian: Where do you get the balls to come on to me?
- James: It’s inevitable, you and I. The same refined taste, in Scotch and in women. Don’t you believe in fate?
- Christian: Only in Greek tragedy.
- James: I believe in critical mass. Tipping points, tiny straws that can break camel’s backs. You’ve been trying to show me who’s boss for some time, haven’t you? Well, now’s your chance.
- James: That car is worth more than $100,000.
- Christian: A lottery winner once paid me 4 grand to ride my dick. That means you owe me $300,000.
- James: Look at me, Christian. Do I seem like the cuddly type?
- Christian: I want her dazzling enough that it would give my dick amnesia.
- Christian: Sweetheart, you’re two hours late. If you were a pizza, I’d get you for free.
- Sean: Tell me what you don’t like about yourself.
- Christian: Just start at your head and work your way down.
- Liz: I just want a little lipo and maybe some work around the eyes.
- Christian: Oh yeah, that ought to do it.
- Liz: Shut up, Christian.
Merrill Bobolit [4.10]
- Christian: [to Merrill, referring to his prison husband] Must have been one hell of a guy. It usually takes at least six karats for a bitch to give it up like that.
- Kimber: Julia, Matt and I are in love. And I understand that becoming a grandmother brings up complicated feelings. But please don’t make that our problem.
- Julia: My eighteen-year-old son is having a child with a woman who happens to have slept with both of his fathers. There is nothing complicated about my feelings!
- Sean: [to Christian]] Have you ever had a baby that someone else didn’t think was theirs?
- Christian: [referring to Matt's marriage to Kimber] That’s like saying we should be happy if you’re a drug addict and just scored a bag of heroin.
- Christian: I'd prefer a blond that can suck the yellow off a canary than brunettes with tight asses.
Conor McNamara, 2026 [4.11]
- Sean: Why haven’t you asked me about Monica? What I did, why I did it.
- Julia: I know why you did it. The same reason that I had an affair with Marlowe.
- Sean: I want to talk about it.
- Julia: I already know all the answers. So do you.
- Conor: I went to an all-boys prep school, and there are a lot of girls at my college. My mom always told me that people would love me for my big green eyes and my good heart, but I’ve come to realise girls also like it when you can unhook their bras by yourself.
- Christian: They don't speak a word of English and only love me for my money. But they don't quit until the super Viagra wears off, so who gives a shit.
Diana Lubey [4.12]
- Sean: [to Michelle] So interesting when the hooker becomes the pimp.
- Diana Lubey: He suffered so much from her cruel unhappiness, but he wouldn’t leave. He was just like that, an old-fashioned man. Divorce was unthinkable. Couldn’t face his children, his grandchildren. He loved me, but I was the one left with nothing. Not a mention at his funeral, no closet full of his shirts to sleep in. So I stole his ashes and I valued them. My only crime was loving him too much.
- Christian: You’re right. I suck. I suck as a friend. I suck as a lover. I suck as a fiancée. I’m tired of defending myself.
- Christian: Michelle didn’t tell me her pimp had a pimp.
- James: We all eventually have to face a higher power. Some are a bit more brutal than others.
- Christian: Just because I groom, doesn't mean I've gone brokeback.
- Christian: I’ve been wanting to talk to you since Faith’s office. I lied about what happened in there.
- Sean: I knew you didn’t screw her over the desk!
- Christian: No, that part’s true. I mean about… What she said about the dream. About me having feelings for you. (pause) Not those kind of feelings. I never really thought I was gay. It was Faith who tried to convince me of that. I just think I have intimacy issues, y’know, with anybody in my life that...I love. I get confused and it’s really hard for me to express myself. (pause) That sounded really gay, didn’t it?
- Sean: Yeah.
- Christian: Yeah, well, screw you! Screw you! (there is a little joking play fighting between the men) Seriously, I love you.
- Sean: I know. I love you too.
- Michelle: But it isn't just about him, Sean. What about my baggage?
- Sean: He can handle it.
- Michelle: But I don't know if I can.
- Sean: So you use him, let him help you. He's strong.
- James: I trust you, Christian.
- Christian: Wish I felt the same, sweetheart. Sorry, but even a squashed spider spins its web until its final breath.
- Christian: [to the ghosts of his former lovers] Goodbye ladies, it's been swell.
- Dr. Mike Hamoui: [in Christian's apartment] I can still hear the screams from the women you've banged in here.
- Michelle: My sister and I used to make our own decorations. Popcorn, cotton balls for snow. Sometimes we'd take the tops off aluminum cans and punch holes through them, so the light could shine through.
- Christian: From cans to crystals. You've come quite a long way, baby.
- Michelle: I know, but I sorta miss making something from nothing, y’know? And the tree. We would wait til the last minute; pick up the bargain leftover. Sometimes the branches were half dead, but at least it was real.
- Christian: So is this. [kisses her]
- Sean: Are you a friend of Poppy's? You know, lesbian?
- Elf: I've been known to dabble. But every now and then, Santa's helper enjoys a good North Pole, if you know what I mean!
- Sean: I would have been there for you. If you'd just lost your wife and kids, I wouldn't be flying to Moscow with my fiancée over Christmas on an impulse!
- Christian: We're not going anymore. We're staying put with Wilbur. Look, it's all so new, you know. We need to stay together as a family, to bond. You know what it’s like.
- Sean: Yeah, I know what it's like. I had a family once. You were part of it. Pretty stupid of me to think that I'd be a part of yours.
- James: I’m James.
- Reefer: That’s a man’s name.
- James: In French, ‘J’aime’ means ‘I love’.
- Reefer: Reefer.
- James: Well, that’s the same in any language, isn’t it?
Willy Ward [4.14]
- Christian: [to Ms. Hudson, who is in Florida on a hunting trip] You know, I can't seem to picture you in camouflage and orange.
- Ms. Hudson: Well, after I zero in on my prey, I usually wear nothing at all.
- Christian: Now that I can picture.
- Sean: [trying to join in on a breast augmentation Christian is doing] Scoot over Christian, you don't get to have all the fun.
- Christian: What are you doing here? Thought you'd cop a feel while she was under?
- Sean: I just think that we should give Ms. Hudson the best treatment we can. Since I'm available, I figured I'd just make sure the operation goes as smoothly as possible.
- Christian: Oh Jesus, you've gotta be kidding me. You pull this crap every time you're fragile little ego gets bruised.
- Liz: Boys, boys, boys. This is why God gave women two breasts. Now each of you take one, and go play in your corner of the sandbox.
- Sean: [after giving Matt sex advice] The neighbors will either move or send you flowers.
- Matt: If that's what you did with her, I can't imagine what Christian and Kimber did together.
- Gina: Hello, Christian.
- Christian: Don't you mean ‘hello, asshole?’
- Sean: [to Christian] I'm in awe of you, always have been.
Gala Gallardo [4.15]
- Christian: I have surgery this afternoon, Sean. If I don’t get my caffeine, I will fire Linda as soon as she even thinks about rolling her eyes at me.
- Sean: Linda is irreplaceable. There is no McNamara/Troy without her. And there shouldn't be a Troy/Landau without her either.
- Christian: You're the one I can't replace, Sean.
- Christian: Take the coffeemaker, Sean. When you become a big, successful Beverly Hills plastic surgeon, this will remind you of where you come from.
- Sean: It's not the past I'm worried about, Christian, it's your future. Liars don't just pick a day to stop lying. And if you lay down with dogs, you’re gonna wake up with fleas.
- Sean: Burning sage supposedly cleanses the environment of bad events, bad memories. Like a divorce. Or if someone was shot in the head in the living room, that sort of thing.
- Christian: [to the couple moving in] Hey, you guys might want to sage the nursery. His ex-wife screwed a dwarf in there.
- Christian: You weren’t exactly upfront about your past.
- Michelle: Would you have been if you were me?
- Christian: You know what my first impression of Hollywood is, Sean? It's a shithole. Where's the excitement I grew up reading about? Where's the glamour, huh? This town needs me. Which is why I’m moving here.
- Sean: [about Michelle] You love her, Christian.
- Christian: I do love her. But I can’t trust her. Apparently, you're the only person I can trust. Absolutely trust.
- Christian: Just so you know, this Encino crap ain’t gonna cut it. It’s Rodeo Drive the whole way. With my sizzling good looks and brilliant business savvy and your moderately impressive talent, I think we could take over this town.
- Sean: Sorry, not interested. Unless I get to pick out the carpet this time, and retain my customary first billing.
- Christian: I think we could work something out.
- Christian: [in Sean's California operating room] Nurse, it's quieter than an ant's fart in here. Go play some music.
Carly Sommers [5.1]
- Sean: It's been 2 months without even a botox shot, Christian. So far, the only thing I have to show for opening a new practice in Los Angeles is a better hook shot.
- Christian: I wouldn't go that far. Look, we both knew it wasn't gonna be easy, right? But it's not like we can start up in a strip mall, hand out fliers hoping people will come through the door.
- Sean: Worked the first time we started a business together.
- Christian: At 25,baby! At 40, you gotta go all out. We owned Miami, right?
- Sean: Yeah.
- Christian: Right? So sooner or later, we're gonna make this town our bitch, too.
- Liz: You’re gonna need a bigger boat.
- Christian: What?
- Liz: Jaws. First time Brody sees the shark. You guys are in over your heads. You’re chum, being devoured by all the Rodeo Drive great whites.
- Sean: Jesus, does anyone in this town not have plastic surgery?
- Christian: I feel like I'm trying to sell semen at a whorehouse.
Sean and Christian watching an episode of "Hearts N'Scalpels" together.
- Sean: They should just be honest and rename the show "Shit".
- Christian: Shit.
- Christian: Pineapple juice, baby! Makes a man's shooty-shoot taste infinitely sweeter. It's nature's guarantee of a second date.
- Sean: I think our credentials speak for themselves. I’m written up in the New England Journal of Medicine three times, Plastic Reconstructive Surgery Journal twice...
- Fiona: And how many times have you been written up in People Magazine, hotshot? You can’t spit in this town without hitting a plastic surgeon from Harvard. It’s not what you’ve done, it’s whom. Celebrity is power.
- Sean: Well, we’re screwed. We can’t get a celebrity til we’ve operated on a celebrity!
- Freddy Prune: It’s okay for Tony Soprano’s best friend to be named Pussy but we’re television--not HBO-- so we can’t use the 'p' word on the network.
- Christian: Well, we had a case a couple of years ago... Remember, Sean? This woman came into our office. She burned her lips off in a cooking accident.
- Sean: Right, we had to do a graft using skin from her vagina. The only problem was, her husband didn’t like oral sex, so she couldn’t let him know where the skin came from.
- Christian: We called her Pussy Lips. I’d watch a show with pussy lips on it.
- Freddy Prune: How soon can you start?
- Christian: We’re not interested in just being consultants, Mr. Prune.
- Sean: We’re not?
- Christian: We want producer credits and the occasional line.
- Aidan Stone: What the hell is this shit, Freddy? A musical episode? How gay is that? Come on, this is the kind of desperate schlock you don’t do til your fifth season!
- Aidan Stone: Why is it that we’re in the plastic surgery capital of the world and we’re forced to work with these Miami wannabes? Can you tell me that?
- Sean: You are not in charge here! I have seen kids playing doctor who have better surgical technique than you do! I’m giving you an opportunity to be more authentic. I would take it if I were you.
- Sean: Look at us. Mutilating our bodies, selling out to some hack TV show. We’re good surgeons. Why live in a place which doesn’t appreciate us, you know? Maybe we should have moved somewhere where substance reigns over style. Like New York.
- Christian: Julia’s gone. Living a couple of subway stops away ain’t gonna change that.
- Christian: Look, you made a bold move coming out here, partner. Maybe the first one of your life, huh? How many guys our age finally get the opportunity to get the recognition they deserve? This is just the beginning.
- Sean: Fame isn’t love, Christian. Getting it isn’t going to fill up some hole you’ve had inside you since you were a kid.
- Christian: I’m a jackrabbit. I don’t do slow and steady. I’ve paid my dues and I want some overnight success.
- Christian: Let me start off by saying I’m a huge fan. Of all the romantic comedies I’ve been dragged to by my girlfriends over the years, yours are the ones I hated the least. So, tell me what you don’t like about yourself, Miss Summers?
- Carly Summers: That I was stupid enough to let Fiona drag me here. Look, Doctor, I’m sure you are a genius at what you do but plastic surgery is an actor’s worst nightmare. You stretch actresses’ faces so they don’t have to stretch themselves.
- Fiona: Says the woman who hasn’t landed a part deeper than a shot-glass in three years.
- Christian: I’m taking Carly to the Ivy.
- Sean: [referring to Wilbur] Did you call a sitter?
- Christian: No, but you’re not doing anything. Come on, it’s business.
- Sean: I thought you turned down her surgery.
- Christian: I did turn down her surgery and now I need to turn her on. We’re not going to get anywhere in this town by giving Carly Summers a little Botox. She needs a face-lift, a tit job and whatever else I can seduce her into getting. Good plan, huh?
- Sean: How about I take the Hollywood star out to dinner and you stay home with your son? I’ll do the convincing.
- Christian: Because I’m the charismatic salesman and you’re the talent. That’s the way it’s always been.
- Sean: That’s exactly why I left Miami.
- Mistress Dark Pain: Let me tell you something, doctor. It’s not easy being Robert Easton. He isn’t stupid. He knows that underneath his ‘look-how-big-my-dick-is’ act that he’s just a scared little boy who feeds of everyone else’s talent and dreams. He’s nothing. I have a gift. I help keep men like Bob from imploding with too much power.
- Sean: Sounds like living the dream has its price.
- Bob Easton: Of course it does. Eat your young on a regular basis, what do you expect? All day long, I’m the one with the control, the power. Once a week, Mistress Dark Pain takes it all away from me. Sometimes twice a week during Oscar season. Every bite somehow restores the balance. Keeps me real, you know?
Joyce & Sharon Monroe [5.2]
- Fiona: What are you? Leg man, ass man, tit man...?
- Christian: Tit man, why?
- Fiona: (unbuttoning her shirt) Mommy issues. You should know.
- Christian: You're right. I'm an asshole.
- Fiona: The town's full of assholes. What makes you special?
- Christian: Nothing, absolutely nothing.
- Christian: You have a daughter? That is fantastic. What about daddy? You pull him out of the drawer for Thanksgiving to baste the turkey?
- Olivia: She was conceived in my college dorm the good, old-fashioned way by adding two hard bodies, a quart of rum and stirring.
- Christian: Very kinky. Where's papa now?
- Olivia: Where do you think? After he impregnated me, I bit off his head.
- Christian: Julia called yesterday and said she’s moving in with someone.
- Sean: Well that’s great. She’s seeing someone, I’m seeing someone.
- Christian: Since when you’re seeing someone?!
- Sean: I’m having a little fling with somebody on the show, an actress.
- Christian: Well there’s a bit of a difference here. You’re not moving in with your current piece of ass!
- Sean: Yet!
- Sean: Just say it; you're thinking she wouldn't be a lesbian if she'd been married to you. That I must be such a lousy lay that my wife went from dwarf humping to carpet munching.
- [Christian laughs]
- Sean: It's not funny.
- Christian: I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at us. I mean, it is funny. After all these years, Julia was the reason for our 'who's got the biggest dick contest'. Now we find out, she doesn’t even like 'em.
Everett Poe [5.3]
- Christian: Julia moved to Lesbania.
- Liz: Julia is just a tourist.
Dawn Budge II [5.4]
- Christian: [referring to the ass bandit] Why would someone do that?
- Liz: For the thrill of getting away with it, or maybe because brown is the new black.
- Eden: I know you fantasize about me while you're pumping away on little Miss Jenny Craig. Does fatty dumpster swallow? I bet she's too worried about the calories.
Chaz Darling [5.5]
- Christian: Sorry, am I interrupting "Extreme Makeover: Whore Edition"?
Damien Sands [5.6]
- Christian: I love all this Californian New Age crap. It is hilarious to make you think that you can stick a needle in your head, and that your whole body is going to go numb; you know it's just a lawsuit waiting to happen.
- Olivia: [to Christian, referring to her relationship with Julia] I think our personal life is for us to know and for you to fantasize about when you're masturbating.
- Linda: These guys are crazy. The only reason I've moved here it's because they throwed a bunch of money at me. And the golf opportunities.
Dr. Joshua Lee [5.7]
- Sean: Our granddaughter will want for nothing except parental role models.
Duke Collins [5.8]
Rachel Ben Natan [5.9]
Magna and Jeff [5.10]
Kyle Ainge [5.11]
- Colleen: (wheeling out a Teddy Bear stuffing machine) Do you know what it's like to be a nobody and suddenly become a somebody because you hit your dumb little unimportant star, the one that shines so much brighter than yours? And do you know how much it hurts... (attaching a hose up to the machine) ... when that wonderous, magical star suddenly flickers out and dies in your life, and you end up being just shut in the shadows? It hurts so much! You will not take away my star, you will not take away my Sean. (holds the hose up to the face of a tied down man) I want you to open your mouth. I said open your mouth! Get some god damn dignity. (places the hose in his mouth and turns the machine on) See the stuffing? It's going inside you now. That's it, that's it. that's it, that's it. (closes the now dead man's eyes and places bead eyes over his)
Lulu Grandiron [5.12]
August Walden [5.13]
- Kimber:You always know what to do.
- Christian:That's becouse I'm a real man.I wanna hear you say it.
- Kimber:You're a real man , baby.
- Christian:Give it up.
- Kimber:Real man has scars.(Sees scar)I'm sorry.That's disgusting.
- Kimber:It's disgusting.And I'm not surprised becouse you with all your self loading and the way you threated people.I mean it's not wonder you pull that in.
- Christian:I did what?
- Kimber:You did this!It's Karma , Christian!It's a bitch!
- Christian:Are you gloating with the fact that I have cancer?Get out of here!
- Kimber:Well , that made you feel like a real man now , huh?Throwing me around like that!I feel sorry for you , Christian.I do.But when you look at all the emotional scars you left another women over the years.I'm surprised that this didn't happened to you sooner.
Candy Richards [5.14]
Ronnie Chase [5.15]
Gene Shelly [5.16]
Roxy St.James [5.17]
Ricky Wells [5.18]
Manny Skerritt [5.19]
Budi Sabri [5.20]
Allegra Caldarello [5.21]
Giselle Blaylock & Legend Chandler [5.22]
Briggette Reinholt [6.3]
Jenny Juggs [6.4]
Abigail Sullivan [6.5]
Alexis Stone [6.6]
Kimber:You don't give a shit about me , honey.You just hate seeing another man with me.
Christian:No,No.That's not true.I hate seen you with him , but...
Kimber:I like my ring.And it came from Mike's heart.Which is really good.And it's true.And it's kind.And I don't think you really have one.
Christian:I do have one.And it belongs to you.Always has.
Alexis Stone II [6.7]
- Matt: "Do you want a ho-ho? That always makes you feel better."
- Kessler: "Yea okay, a little chocolatey goodness will go down right now."
- Matt: "It's okay, I got it all right here."
- Kessler: "You're sweet."
- (Matt drops the pill bottle. Kessler pushes him out of the way and picks it up)
- Kessler: "What the hell are these? What are you doing with these? Provera. They give this shit to rapists! It's chemical castration! How long have you been giving me this stuff?"
Lola Wlodkowski [6.8]
KImber:You know when I was in there I was thinking that I truly hate myself.And it's the reason why I always go back to you.It's becouse you , Christian , hate me the best.And for some reason it feels right.Look at me.Turn around and look at me.Why are you with me , Christian?You think I'm stupid , you think I'm a slut , you think I'm pathetic.It' so clear to me now.You hate yourself like I do.Thet's why you always come back to me , becouse you think I'm all you deserve.
Benny Nilsson [6.9]
Wesley Clovis [6.10]
Christian:We're not young anymore.Like we used to be at the day we first met.We always.You know.Keep come back to each other.No matter what.To best each other and the worst.Will you marry me?It's vintage , baby.Just like us.
Liz:She can have anymore chrildren.None of thet matters to you becouse you don't want anymore.And for some point in the future you deside to leave her put that little piece of information into deaquation.As remind her about just what she gave up to be with you.
Dan Daly [6.11]
Willow Banks [6.12]
Joel Seabrook [6.13]
Sean: Not anymore. Maybe you never did. Maybe its just your fear of not belonging anywhere that made you so stuck. It doesnt matter now. All that matters now is what are you going to do. This is your opportunity Kimber. Jump, Take the leap. Find out who you are without him telling you you're not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, do it. Before you get too old and you cant.
Kimber:I'm not like you , Sean.I don't hate Christian.But I serently don't wanna be him eather.
Sheila Carlton [6.14]
Virginia Hayes [6.15]
Dr. Griffin [6.16]
- Dr. Griffin: Dr. McNamara, Dr. Troy, I want you to take 15 seconds and write down everything you can think of to describe your partner. The first things that come to mind. Go. [The partners scribble]
- Dr. Griffin: Dr. McNamara, why don't you go first?
- Sean: "Tall, arrogant, peacock, womanizer, clothes whore, damaged, dangerous, asshole."
- Dr. Griffin: Dr. Troy, do you have anything you'd wish to say?
- Christian: Well it's kind of hard to argue with any of those.
Christian Troy II [6.17]
Benny Nilsson [6.18]
Sean to Christian in dream sequence: 'Let your shortcomings and your flaws fuel you; let them push you farther than you ever thought you could go. When you stop striving for perfection you might aswell be dead'
Christian to Christian in dream sequnce: When you show no fear, you project confidence and your life will always have the appearance of success...and image is everything, is it not?
Edith and Walter Krieger [6.19]
Hiro Yoshimura [6.20]
- Dylan Walsh - Sean McNamara
- Julian McMahon - Christian Troy
- Joely Richardson - Julia McNamara
- John Hensley - Matt McNamara
- Roma Maffia - Liz Winters/Liz Cruz
- Kelly Carlson - Kimber Henry
- Jessalyn Gilsig - Gina Russo
- Valerie Cruz - Grace Santiago (Season 1)
- Robert LaSardo - Escobar Gallardo
- Bruno Campos - Quentin Costa (Season 3-)
- Rhona Mitra - Kit McGraw (Season 3)
- Saana Lathan - Michelle Landau (Season 4)
- Larry Hagman - Burt Landau (Season 4)
- Kelsey Batelaan - Annie McNamara
- Famke Janssen - Ava Moore
- Peter Dinklage - Marlowe Sawyer
- Jaqueline Bisset - James (Season 4)