Office Space

From Wikiquote
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Office Space is a 1999 comedy film that pokes fun at work life in a typical software company during the late 1990s by portraying individuals who are completely fed up with their jobs.

Directed and written by Mike Judge.
Work Sucks, Blow it Up taglines

Peter Gibbons[edit]

  • (to Michael, when the two of them are drinking at a bar) We don't have a lot of time on this Earth! We weren't meant to spend it this way! Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about mission statements!
  • Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything I thought it could be.
  • (after Michael's computer virus has taken $300,000 over the weekend, and the trio try to absolve themselves) I can't believe what a bunch of nerds we are. We're looking up "money laundering" in a dictionary.

Bill Lumbergh[edit]

  • Ah, ah, I almost forgot... I'm also going to need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday, too. We, uhhh, lost some people this week and we sorta need to play catch-up. Thaaaaaanks.
  • I'm going to need those TPS reports... ASAP...
  • ...So, if you could do that, that would be great...
  • Hello, Peter. What's happenin'?

Milton Waddams[edit]

  • [Waiting at the bus stop; also his first lines] I-I was told that if I was late again, I would be summarily dismissed...
  • [After Peter tells him to turn his radio down] I was told that I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven, I told Bill that if Sandra is going to listen to her headphones while she's filing then I should be able to listen to the radio while I'm collating so I don't see why I should have to turn down the radio because I enjoy listening at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven.
  • [Talking to Peter on the phone] And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were merry, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire...
  • The ratio of cake to people is too big...
  • I could set the building on fire...
  • I believe you have my stapler...
  • [on holiday in Mexico, having taken the traveller's cheques from Initech before burning the place down, also absolving Peter] Excuse me? Excuse me, senor? May I speak to you please? I asked for a mai tai, and they brought me a pina colada, and I said no salt, NO salt for the margarita, but it had salt on it, big grains of salt, floating in the glass...
  • And yes, I won't be leaving a tip, 'cause I could... I could shut this whole resort down. Sir? I'll take my traveler's checks to a competing resort. I could write a letter to your board of tourism and I could have this place condemned. I could put... I could put... strychnine in the guacamole. There was salt on the glass, BIG grains of salt.

Michael Bolton[edit]

  • Cockgobblers!
  • There was nothing wrong with it [his name]... until I was about twelve years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.
  • PC LOAD LETTER? What the fuck does that mean?
  • [Regarding the malfunctioning fax/copy machine] That thing's lucky I'm not armed.

Bob Slydell[edit]

  • What would ya say... ya do here?

Samir Nagheenanajar[edit]

  • Yes, I am also not a pussy.
  • [first lines, when he is in his car, driving to work and stuck in the traffic jam with Peter and Michael] Mother shitter, son of an ass! You, I just!
  • [drunk singing] Back up in your ass with the resurrection.
  • [frustrated with the malfunctioning printer] Why does it say "Paper Jam" when there IS no paper jam?!


  • [Repeated line] Fuckin' A!
  • [When asked by Peter if anybody has ever said "Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays"] No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man.
  • [When Peter prepares to confess to stealing from his company, which will mean certain jail time.] Hey, Peter, watch your cornhole, bud.


Female Temp: [handing out letters; reads the name on one] Michael...Bolton?
Michael Bolton: [leans over to take the letter] Yeah, that's me.
Female Temp: Wow! Is that your real name?
Michael Bolton: [takes the letter, goes back to his computer] Yeah.
Female Temp: So are you related to that singer guy?
Michael Bolton: No. It's just a coincidence.
Female Temp: [visibly disappointed] Oh.
Samir Nagheenanajar: No-one in this country can ever pronounce my name right.'s not that hard. Na-ghee-na-na-jar...Nagheenanajar.
Michael Bolton: Well, at least your name isn't Michael Bolton.
Samir Nagheenanajar: You know, there is nothing wrong with that name.
Michael Bolton: No, there was nothing wrong with it, until I was about 12 years old and that no talent ass-clown became famous and started winning Grammys.
Samir Nagheenanajar: Why don't you just go by Mike instead of Michael.
Michael Bolton: No way, why should I change? He's the one who sucks.

Peter Gibbons: Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you would do if you had a million dollars and didn't have to work. And invariably, whatever you'd say, that was supposed to be your career. So if you wanted to fix old cars, then you're supposed to be an auto mechanic.
Samir Nagheenanajar: So what did you say?
Peter Gibbons: I never had an answer. I guess that's why I'm working at Initech.
Michael Bolton: No, you're working at Initech 'cause that question is bullshit to begin with. If everybody listened to her, there would be no janitors, because no one will clean shit up if they had a million dollars.
Samir Nagheenanajar: (smiling) You know what I would do if I had million dollars? I would invest half of it in low-risk mutual funds, and then take the other half over to my friend Sadulach who works in Securities...
Michael Bolton: Samir, Samir, you're missing the point. The point of the exercise is that you're supposed to figure out what you would (the printer makes a discouraging sound and then stops) want, to do if.. (reads the printer's display) "PC load letter"?!! The fuck does that mean?!! (he lashes out and knocks a paper tray off)

Peter Gibbons: Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday and you're not feeling real well, does anyone ever say to you, "Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays?"
Lawrence: No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man.

Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Lawrence: I'll tell you what I'd do, man: two chicks at the same time, man.
Peter Gibbons: [laughs, then realises Lawrence is being serious] That's it? If you had a million dollars, you'd do two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I had a million dollars I could hook that up, 'cause chicks dig a dude with money.
Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks.
Lawrence: Well the kind of chicks that'd double up on a dude like me do.
Peter Gibbons: Good point.
Lawrence: Well, what about you now? What would you do?
Peter Gibbons: Besides two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Well, yeah.
Peter Gibbons: Nothing.
Lawrence: Nothing, huh?
Peter Gibbons: I'd relax, I would sit on my ass all day, I would do nothing.
Lawrence: Well you don't only need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Just take a look at my cousin, he's broke, don't even do shit.

[in the hypnotherapy class]

Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.
Dr. Swanson: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Dr. Swanson: Wow, that's messed up. [Anne shoots him a dirty look]

Joanna: So, where do you work, Peter?
Peter Gibbons: Initech.
Joanna: Ini- yeah, what do you do there?
Peter Gibbons: I sit in a cubicle and I update bank software for the 2000 switch.
Joanna: What's that?
Peter Gibbons: Well see, they wrote all this bank software, and, uh, to save space, they used two digits for the date instead of four. So, like, 98 instead of 1998? Uh, so I go through these thousands of lines of code and, uh... it doesn't really matter. I uh, I don't like my job, and, uh, I don't think I'm gonna go anymore.
Joanna: You're just not gonna go?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Joanna: Won't you get fired?
Peter Gibbons: I don't know, but I really don't like it, and, uh, I'm not gonna go.
Joanna: So you're gonna quit?
Peter Gibbons: Nuh-uh. Not really. Uh, I'm just gonna stop going.
Joanna: When did you decide all that?
Peter Gibbons: About an hour ago.
Joanna: Oh, really? About an hour ago... so you're gonna get another job?
Peter Gibbons: I don't think I'd like another job.
Joanna: Well, what are you going to do about money and bills and...
Peter Gibbons: You know, I've never really liked paying bills. I don't think I'm gonna do that, either.
Joanna: Well, so what do you wanna do?
Peter Gibbons: I wanna take you out to dinner, and then I wanna go back to my apartment and watch Kung Fu. Do you ever watch Kung Fu?
Joanna: [surprised] I love Kung Fu.
Peter Gibbons: Channel 39.
Joanna: Totally.
Peter Gibbons: You should come over and watch Kung Fu tonight.
Joanna: Okay, Okay, can we order lunch first? Okay?

[Michael and Peter are in a bar, discussing their frustrations with work.]

Peter Gibbons: It's not just about me and my dream of doing nothing. It's about all of us. I don't know what happened to me at that hypnotherapist and, I don't know, maybe it was just shock and it's wearing off now, but when I saw that fat man keel over and die - Michael, we don't have a lot of time on this earth! We weren't meant to spend it this way. Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about about mission statements.
Michael Bolton: I told those fudge-packers I liked Michael Bolton's music.
Peter Gibbons: Oh. That is not right, Michael.

Bob Slydell: You see, what we're trying to do is get a feeling for how people spend their time at work so if you would, would you walk us through a typical day, for you?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Bob Slydell: Great.
Peter Gibbons: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late. Ah, I use the side door–that way Lumbergh can't see me, heh. After that I sorta space out for an hour.
Bob Porter: Da-uh? "Space out"?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too, I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual work.
Peter Gibbons: You see, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care.
Bob Porter: [confused] Don't–don't care?
Peter Gibbons: It's a problem of motivation, all right? Now if I work my ass off and Initech ships a few extra units, I don't see another dime, so where's the motivation? And here's another thing: I have eight different bosses right now.
Bob Slydell: I beg your pardon?
Peter Gibbons: Eight bosses, Bob.
Bob Porter: Eight?
Peter Gibbons: Eight, Bob. So that means when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That's my only real motivation is not to be hassled, that and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired.

Bob Slydell: Would you bear with me for just a second here?
Peter Gibbons: Okay.
Bob Slydell: What if–and believe me this is "hypothetical"–but what if you were offered some kind of a stock option equity sharing program? Would that do anything for you?
Peter Gibbons: I don't know, I guess. Listen, I'm gonna go. It's been really nice talking to both you guys.
Bob Slydell: Absolutely, the pleasure's all on this side of the table, trust me.
Peter Gibbons: Good luck with your layoffs, all right? I hope your firings go really, really well.
Bob Porter: Excellent.
Bob Slydell: Great. Wow.

Peter Gibbons: [Explaining the plan to steal from Initech to get revenge for him, Michael and Samir being mistreated] Alright, so when the sub routine compounds the interest it uses all these extra decimal places that just get rounded off. So we simplified the whole thing, we rounded them all down, and drop the remainder into an account we opened.
Joanna: [Confused] So you're stealing?
Peter Gibbons: Ah no, you don't understand. It's very complicated. It's uh it's aggregate, so I'm talking about fractions of a penny here. And over time they add up to a lot.
Joanna: Oh okay. So you're gonna be making a lot of money, right?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Joanna: Right. It's not yours?
Peter Gibbons: Well it becomes ours.
Joanna: How is that not stealing?
Peter Gibbons: [pauses] I don't think I'm explaining this very well.
Joanna: Okay.
Peter Gibbons: Um... the 7-11. You take a penny from the tray, right?
Joanna: From the cripple children?
Peter Gibbons: No, that's the jar. I'm talking about the tray. You know the pennies that are for everybody?
Joanna: Oh, for everybody. Okay.
Peter Gibbons: Well those are whole pennies, right? I'm just talking about fractions of a penny here, but we do it from a much bigger tray and we do it a couple a million times.

Bob Porter: Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately.
Peter Gibbons: Well, I wouldn't exactly say I've been missing it, Bob.

[The Bobs meet with Portwood and Lumbergh to go over employee files]
Bob Slydell: Well, there's two more people we can easily lose. Then there's Tom Smykowski; he's useless. [Chuckles] GONE.
Dom Portwood: Sounds good to me.
Bob Slydell: Here's an interesting one: Milton Waddams.
Dom Portwood: Who?
Bob Porter: You know, squirrely guy, mumbles a lot.
Dom Portwood: Oh, yeah.
Bob Slydell: Yeah, we can't actually find a record of him being a current employee here.
Bob Porter: I looked into it more deeply and I found that apparently what happened is that he was laid off five years ago and no one ever told him about it; but through some kind of glitch in the payroll department, he still gets a paycheck.
Bob Slydell: So, we just went ahead and fixed the glitch.
Bill Lumbergh: Great.
Dom Portwood: So, uh, Milton has been let go?
Bob Slydell: Well, just a second there, professor. We, uh, we fixed the glitch. So, he won't be receiving a paycheck anymore, so it'll just work itself out naturally.
Bob Porter: We always like to avoid confrontation, whenever possible. Problem is solved from your end.

Bob Slydell: I'd like to move us right along to a Peter Gibbons. Now, we had a chance to meet this young man and, boy, that's just a straight-shooter with "upper management" written all over him.
Bill Lumbergh: Oooo... yeahhhh, ummm... I'm gonna have to go ahead and sort of disagree with you there. Yeah, uh, he's been real flaky lately, and I'm just not sure that he's the caliber person that we would want for upper management. He's also been having some problems with his TPS reports.
Bob Porter: [To Slydell] I'll handle this.
Bob Porter: [To Lumbergh] We feel that the problem isn't with Peter.
Bob Slydell: Mmm-mmm.
Bob Porter: It's that you haven't challenged him enough, to get him motivated.
Bob Slydell: There it is.
Bill Lumbergh: Yeah, um, well, I'm just not sure about that right now.
Bob Slydell: [Pulls Peter's file aside, showing Lumbergh's file next] Yeah, Bill, let me ask you a real quick question here: How much time would you say you spend each week dealing with these TPS reports?
Bill Lumbergh: [Pause] Yeahhhhhhhhh...

[Peter is now working construction with Lawrence, cleaning up the burned Initech building]
Peter Gibbons: This isn't so bad, huh? Making bucks, getting exercise, working outside...
Lawrence: Fuckin' A.
Peter Gibbons:[Nods]...Fuckin' A.


  • Work Sucks
  • I believe you have my stapler.
  • Yeeeeaaaahh, I'm gonna need you to come in on Saturday...


External links[edit]

Wikipedia has an article about: