Osmosis Jones

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Osmosis Jones is a 2001 part animated, part live action film whose title character is Osmosis Jones, a white blood cell who takes on a deadly virus.

Directed by Bobby Farrelly and Peter Farrelly. Written by Marc Hyman.
He's one cell of a guy.(taglines)


Osmosis Jones: Whoo-hoo! Next time, I'll be the bad cop.
Drix: You are a bad cop.
Osmosis Jones: Yo, who ya calling "bad cop"?!

Drix: Attention, germs! You are surrounded! Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh, uh-huh, surrounded!
Osmosis Jones: Yo, Hammer! You can stop dancing!

Osmosis Jones: Goodbye, Drips.
Drix: That's Drix.
Osmosis Jones: Whatever.

Osmosis Jones: In the words of the immortal James Brown: GET DOWN!
Drix: James who?!

[deleted scene]
Drix: The eye? What are we doing here? Do I have to remind you that I am on a strict twelve hour time release program? First the throat, then the nose, then the aches and pains.
Osmosis Jones: Yeah, I got it. Real important stuff. Now, get your butt out of my car!
Drix: Oh! I don't even have a butt. Officer, if I don't get to the sinuses, my entire relief mission could be jeopardized.
Osmosis Jones: Yo, it's time we take a look at the big picture. See? The Big F. He's the one we're here to protect and serve. I mean, just look at him. Doesn't he make you want to be a better cell?
Drix: [Drix sees Frank clean his tongue] Ew! I see why you feel such a strong connection.
Osmosis Jones: Hey, watch it! Show the man some respect! He's the reason all of us are here.
Drix: Take me to the nose!
Osmosis Jones: Dude, just wait in the car. I got police work to do.

Osmosis Jones: Baby, I always knew you and me were gonna hook up. I know this little spot right behind the eye, has the perfect view - perfect for a little rendezvous between me and you. You know what I'm sayin'? Do you know what I'm sayin'? 'Cause I been sayin' it a long time.
Leah: Jones, what in the world makes you think I would ever go out with you?
Osmosis Jones: Whatcha talkin' about? I'm a legend, girl! The chicks line up to divide with me.
Leah: Oh, really? 'Cause to me you look like the kind of cell who most likely divides with himself.

Leah: [on a recently ingested cold pill] Whoa, this is huge.
Osmosis Jones: Don't be all impressed, 'cause 99% of that is just sugar, ya know.
Leah: Yeah, and 99% of you is just stupid.
Osmosis Jones: Ooh, like I haven't heard that one before!

Osmosis: So, where you from, tough stuff?
Drix: I was developed at the University of Chicago, where I graduated Phi Beta Capsule.
Osmosis: Great, got me a college boy...
Drix: Where did you study?
Osmosis: Study? When you grow up on the wrong side of the digestive track, you ain't got no money for no fancy schools.
Drix: Oh...
Osmosis: I'm not kiddin', man. My school was Crack Central.
Drix: Oh?
Osmosis: No, it was in the crack. [Drix whimpers] Right in the stanky, puckered center. We were so poor, we lived off of peanut butter and cellulite sandwiches! You ever try to blow-dry your hair with a fart?
Drix: OK, I get it. You were poor.
Osmosis: You bet I was! You ever try to make a snowman out of toilet paper cling-ons? Now that's poor!
Drix: OK, please, you're going to make me vomit!
Osmosis: Vomit? We couldn't afford no vomit; that's for rich folk.
Drix: Excuse me while I wipe my eyes.
Osmosis: Oh, you wanna talk about wiping?
Drix: NO!

Scabies: Did the Foot Fungus pay up yet?
Joe Cramp: Nah. That guy's getting flaky on us.
Scabies: Well, you ain't gonna collect nothin' from him up here in the pit! Now get down there, send him a message.
[Thrax strolls into the sweat gland spa, humming]
Thrax: So, this is where the scum of Frank comes to fester.
Bruiser: Hey, you lost, pal? This is a private sweat-gland. Now beat it!
Thrax: I'm looking for volunteers, yo. Some nasty germs who want in on a big score.
Scabies: Yo, Red, we run the rackets around here. Take your little hustle someplace else.
Thrax: Oh, baby, this ain't about no hustle. This is about the baddest illness any of y'all have ever seen.
Scabies: Look who thinks he's the ebola virus, huh? [he and his thugs laugh]
Thrax: [angrily] ...Ebola? [shoves past Bruiser and Joe Cramp] Let me tell you about ebola, baby: ebola is a case of DANDRUFF compared to me!
Scabies: All right, pal, you're outta here. Bruiser, take this punk up to the face and bury him in a blackhead. When we're done with you, it'll take a Swedish facialist and six steaming washcloths to get you out!
Thrax: Hmm, sounds like a gas, baby. Bring it on.

Osmosis Jones: I bet Johnny Streptoccocus and the Melanoma family would be very interested to hear about your flu shot work.
Chill: You can't jack me on that, brother! I'm in the Virus Protection Program.

Drix: My, what big zits he has. How does something like this happen?
Osmosis Jones: You wash your face with fried chicken, that's how.

Thrax: And who are you?
Osmosis Jones: Who am I? Who am I? Uh, Bad Booty-shakin' Pickanosis. Yeah! That's who I am!
Thrax: I never heard of you.
Osmosis Jones: That's cause you just got here. You ask any of these suckers, when it comes to illin', Bad Booty-shakin' Pickanosis stands above the rest.

Dispatcher: [over radio] Suspect is headed toward the uvula - repeat, headed toward the uvula.
Osmosis Jones: What the heck is a u-va-la?
Drix: It's that little dangly thing that hangs down in Frank's--
Osmosis Jones: [interrupting] Boxer shorts! Okay, here we go!
Drix: Not that little dangly thing! The one in his throat!
Osmosis Jones: I knew that. I knew that.

Shane: I'm not going.
Frank: You're not going where, hon?
Shane: To Buffalo. I'm not going.
Frank: Honey, I'm- we're all packed. Buffalo's gonna be a blast.
Shane: I'm going camping with my friends. You're welcome to join us.
Frank: Well, I don't think-
Shane: I'd really like you to come.
Frank: No. No, no. No, no, no, I- You don't want me huffing and puffing after you. If you want to go camping, Okay, I'll-- I know I can get uncle Bob to go with me in Buffalo. [lays down on couch]
Shane: [frustrated] I'm tired of this! It's not fair! I go where you want to go, I eat what you want to eat. Don't you ever think of anyone other than yourself?
Frank: I think about you all the time.
Shane: Were you thinking about me when you packed me a fried Slim Jim sandwich for lunch?
Frank: Yeah, it was a turkey Slim Jim!
Shane: You know, dad, maybe if you and mom listened to me a little more and took better care of yourselves, maybe she'd still be here.
Frank: Will you knock off that hamburger talk? Come here, honey. Hey... [Shane sits next to him] your mom died... because she got sick.
Shane: And how do you think you get sick?
Frank: Germs.
Shane: It's the way you eat. [She rolls her eyes and sighs frustratingly; leaves room]


  • He's one cell of a guy
  • Every body needs a hero


Animation voice cast[edit]

Live-action cast[edit]

External links[edit]

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