Parenthood is a 1989 comedy-drama film about a midwestern family all dealing with their lives: estranged relatives, raising children, pressures of the job, and learning to be a good parent and spouse.
- [to Nathan] Keep Patty away from Larry. He'll suck the intelligence right out of her.
- They call me Cowboy Gil, as in guil-ty. I saw Cowboy Dan. I didn't like the look on his face. It was like this...[smiles goofily] ... so I killed him. I blew a hole in him this big. Actually it was about this big. You know, when I think about it, that hole was about THIS BIG! And his guts were spilled out all over the floor. As I was walkin' away, I slip around on his guts. A couple of other people came by and started slippin' on his guts too. After I blow a hole in somebody and slip around on their guts... afterwards, I always like to make balloon animals. That's mighty courteous of you. Here we go! [starts twisting balloons and then when he finishes, he holds up jumbled bunch of twisted balloons] Your lower intestines.
- My whole life is have to...
- That is one messed-up little dude.
- You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.
- Nathan, we're trying so hard to keep these kids off of drugs.
- Open this door! Goddamnit to hell! I was just like a little respect! Not alot, just a little! Do you know why I'm having sex with machinery? Because your father went to have a party and I stayed to raise two kids, and I HAVE NO LIFE!!!!!!!!
- [Helen is trying to talk with Garry about his sex tapes] l assume you're watching these because you're curious about sex... you know. Or filmmaking.
- No, no, no, no. I'm too young to be a grandmother. Grandmothers are old. They bake, and they sew, and they tell you stories about the Depression. I was at Woodstock, for Christ's sake! I peed in a field! I hung on to The Who's helicopter as it flew away!
- I give them six months. Three, if she cooks.
- [on parenting] It's like your Aunt Edna's ass. It goes on forever and it's just as frightening.
- Frank: Gil, you have a good memory. Uh, was it yours or Helen's or Susan's wedding I got drunk at?
- Gil: It was all three, Dad. Congratulations.
- Frank: Well, which one did I punch the band leader?
- Gil: That was mine. We have photos. I'm having them blown up for the commitment hearings.
- [Susan laughs]
- Frank: Well, you think he's funny. Well, when he was a kid, he wasn't as funny. Stayed in his room all day. Boy, you were a moody little son of a bitch.
- Gil: [sarcastically] Gee, I wonder why.
- Taylor: Mommy what was that?
- Karen: That was an electrical ear cleaner.
- Taylor: It was kinda big.
- Grandma: It sure was.
- Julie: He said that he loved me.
- Helen: Men say that. They all say that. Then they cum.
- Gil's nightmarish vision. University is on lockdown and covered by squad cars. People are screaming and an elderly Gil tries to reason with Kevin
- College Student #1: Someone's gone to the roof of the bell tower with a rifle!
- Dean at College: It's Kevin Buckman! His father totally screwed him up!
- College Student #2: What is he yelling?
- Kevin, Age 21: YOU MADE ME PLAY SECOND BASE!
- Gil: [through bullhorn] Son, I'm sorry. I did all the best I could.
- [Kevin opens fire and shoots bullhorn out of Gil's hands]
- Gil: Nice shot son!
- [Police try to get Gil to safety, but Gil rebuffs them]]
- Gil: [police] It's important to be supportive. [to Kevin] Come on let's sing one of the old tunes. "When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, Diarrhea - "
- [Gil's ideal vision. Kevin has graduated from university and is the class valedictorian]
- Kevin, Age 21: All of this I have one thing to credit; when I was a kid and my father made me play second base. Thank you, Dad!
- [Audience applauds an elderly Gil]
- Gil: Thank you, son!
- [after breaking the lock on Gary's bedroom door and searching it, Helen finds some sex tapes and plays one]
- Susan: Helen? Oh, the door was unlocked...[sees the sex action on the television]
- Grandma: What channel is this?
- Helen: No Gran, this is a tape.
- Grandma: [to Susan] She needs a man now!
- Helen: Gran, this isn't mine. I don't watch this!
- Grandma: [to Susan again as they are leaving the room and speaking of the sex action on the television] One of those men reminded me of your Grandpa. God bless him!
- Susan: Nathan, I need to speak with you for a couple of minutes.
- Nathan: Patty, your mother and I will be gone for two minutes. How many seconds is that?
- Patty: 120.
- Nathan: What is it?
- [Susan produces flashcards, which Nathan recites]
- Flashcard #1: This is the only way
- Flashcard #2: To reach you, so
- Flashcard #3: I am leaving you
- Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.
- Gil: Oh?
- Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!
- Gil: What a great story.
- Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.
- [Kevin's birthday. A stripper comes to Buckman residence]
- Stripper: So what is the name of the birthday boy? I will paint his name on my breasts.
- Karen: What in the world?
- Gil: We did not order any stripper! We hired Cowboy Dan.
- Stripper: Is that so, let me call my boss.
- Stripper uses phone to call boss, then hangs up
- Stripper: Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. My boss screwed up our assignments. I was supposed to do that birthday party at the Army base, but my boss sent Cowboy Dan there.
- Karen: Then have him come here.
- Stripper: There's a problem, you see, the soldiers got the wrong idea and beat up Cowboy Dan really good. He is in the hospital.
- Kevin: Cowboy Dan is not here? All the kids will hate me!
- Gil: Kevin, pull yourself together! A cowboy is coming.
- When you're sliding into first and you're feeling something burst diarrhea!
- When you're sliding into third and you lay a juicy turd diarrhea!
- When you're sliding into home and your shorts are full of foam diarrhea!
- When you're riding in your chevy and your shorts are feeling heavy diarrhea!
- Steve Martin - Gil Buckman
- Mary Steenburgen - Karen Buckman
- Dianne Wiest - Helen Buckman
- Jason Robards - Frank Buckman
- Rick Moranis - Nathan Huffner
- Tom Hulce - Larry Buckman
- Martha Plimpton - Julie Buckman
- Keanu Reeves - Tod Higgins
- Harley Jane Kozak - Susan Buckman (as Harley Kozak)
- Dennis Dugan - Dave Brodsky
- Joaquin Phoenix - Garry Buckman-Lampkin (as Leaf Phoenix)
- Helen Shaw - Grandma