Willow Canyon Homeowners Annual Party [1.01]
Ron: Do you know what you get when you hire a Party Down catering team? At Party Down we have a simple motto: it's your party, you deserve to enjoy it, but how are you going to enjoy the party if you're worried about whether the shrimp cocktail has been sitting out too long, or is there enough ice, or do the guests think the party is lame, or are they stealing stuff, or are they going through the medicine cabinet because they're nosy or because they think they might find something that'll give them a rocking buzz? I used to do that last thing. Not anymore. Clean and sober.
Hostess: Um, wow, that—that—that's quite a motto...
[Henry is forced to wear the larger Ron's shirt]
Casey: Ah, you're going for your own look.
Casey: It's nice.
Henry: —Yeah, I thought I'd go for the "helpful gay pirate" kind of thing.
Casey: [mock consolingly] You don't look helpful.
Ron: Actually, I learned this at the sensitivity seminar, that we do not use that word, okay? I mean, I'm not, but we don't know who may be...
Casey: A pirate?
California College Conservative Union Caucus [1.02]
[Constance has overheard a party guest make an un-PC joke]
Kyle: Fucking intolerance blows! [Constance prepares to spit] Woah, what are we doing here?
Constance: I am going to spit on all the appetizers because I can't remember which ones he was eating.
Kyle: No, you know what: there's other things we can do than spitting.
Constance: Like what? [disappointed] I love spitting.
[Henry has quit acting]
Party guest: One last thing: nobody ever accomplished anything by quitting. You know, what if Ronald Reagan quit?
Casey: Quit acting? He did.
Henry: Yeah, that's actually where I got the idea.
Ron: Oh man, what are you gonna think when you walk into a Soup 'R Crackers you see me shaking hands with Arnold Schwarzenegger
Henry: "The fuck am I doing in a Soup 'R Crackers?"
Ron: [as he is burning the American flag in order to make it look like it's been through battle] You can be two things in life: You can be an achiever or you can be a fuck-up.
Henry: Ok, and which one are you being right now?
Ron: I'm an achiever!
Henry: Well, then, I'm definitely a fuck-up. I gotta say, standing here watching you light a flag on fire in a parking lot... I feel kinda okay about it.
Roman: On what topic? How the wealth I made from my pituitary abnormality relates to your dipshit corporate hell?
Kyle: [about Rick Fox] Dude that tall, I bet his dick's like two feet long. Probably like fucking a handsome giraffe. I mean, he could be in one room fucking her and in the other room reading a magazine. I bet when he gets a boner, it's it's like half a hula hoop.
Constance: I was once involved in a workplace romance. It kinda got out of hand. It was a sex explosion. It's really the only way I can describe it. We did it constantly, in vans, in bathrooms, in the bushes. It was non-stop sex.
Ron: Hello? Is this work?
Constance: This is work-related, Ron. We fucked in the sink. We fucked in the dinghy.
Kyle: You know, acting is like crime. But instead of using guns or clubs, I assault you with emotions.
Joe: Or even knives.
James Rolf High School Twentieth Reunion [1.09]
Bobbie: Grab your destiny by the balls and squeeze hard. I'll bet you've never done that in your career.
Henry: No, I wouldn't even know where destiny's balls are.
Melinda: I mean, you might've told me you were married before I fucked you.
Mark: Would you have fucked me if I told you I was married first? Gotta split. Good seeing you, Melissa.