Party of Five

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Party of Five (1994–2000) was a dramatic television show, airing on the FOX network, about five siblings who are left to find their own way in the world when their parents are killed by a drunk driver.

Season 1


Pilot [1.1]

Charlie: Julia get down here now, family meeting. Me and Doug and a friend of his were gonna by into this co-op. We were gonna fix it up and sell it. The whole thing was gonna take a month tops. We would have doubled our money no questions asked. Except the guy took the money and split.
Bailey: How much money did you lose, Charlie?
Charlie: 12 [long pause] thousand.
Julia: Of your own money right?
Bailey: So much for your lectures on responsibility. Is this why you wanted control of all the accounts so you could blow it all yourself?

Bailey: [to Charlie] We'll give up whatever we have to to get by and we'll let everyone think you're this great guy just trying to hold his family together, who's like a father to us, even if we know it's a lie.

Bailey: [to Owen] Shh, shh. Listen just to keep you up to date, and don't take this the wrong way, but I'm going crazy here. So unless I come up with some kind of nanny soon, I'm gonna have to sell you off to white slave traders. Now I know that's not how you pictured yourself growing up, but hey welcome to the club. Sleep well.

Charlie: Lights out time, Claud. Come on
Bailey: We never go to be this early. Bailey?
Charlie: Starting tonight.
Claudia: Forget it. You can't tell me what to do.
Charlie: Oh yes I can, read the guardianship agreement.
Bailey: Oh, would you shut up about that already, Charlie? A piece of paper does NOT make you a parent.
Charlie: Hey, you know what? I am really sick of hearing that from you, Bailey. If you've got a problem with this agreement, fine. It doesn't have to be this way. You guys just won't be able to stay together. No one will be in charge, and they'll come in here and split you guys up. I'm responsible for this family and I'm gonna take that responsibility seriously.
Bailey: Oh, give me a break, Charlie! You're the one who lost the money, not me! You wanna help us? We don't need your rules, okay? Why don't you go get a job?
Charlie: I am getting a job.
Bailey: What?
Charlie: I've got carpentry stuff in the wings.
Bailey: You know you've always got something in the "wings", Charlie. I saw the jobs you circled in the paper. "Construction foreman", "master carpenter". You're not looking for a job, you're looking for a career. We need money now. If you wanna help us, go get a job. [to Claudia] It's late, Claud. You should probably get to bed.

Julia: Do you ever think about them Bailey?
Bailey: Yeah, of course I do.
Julia: Well why don't we ever talk about them. I mean why don't we ever talk about it?
Bailey: I don't know maybe we feel like we have to put on this brave face for Claud and Owen. But maybe that's stupid. Maybe we should talk about it. Maybe it would help.
Julia: Sometimes I wonder if these feelings are ever gonna go away.
Bailey: I don't know, I hope someday they will.

Homework [1.2]

Bailey: [about his crush on Kirsten] Any suggestions?
Will: Yeah. Snap out of it. Do you have any clue how to analyze the poem "To His Coy Mistress" in terms of its theme, metaphor, imagery and meter?
Bailey: Not off the top of my head.
Will: Well you better figure it out, cause if you spend the next 3 days mooning over this babysitter and blow this paper, you get put on academic probation and get benched from the team, and we lose another game. Ten other guys are gonna come to your house and do a job on your face so no girl will find you attractive again, OK?
Bailey: Oh, uh, Nana died in 86, same year as Grandma Jane. Papa was like in 89.

Good Sports [1.3]

Charlie: Listen I got this idea. It says here there's a new band at the Armory and they're supposed to be really hot and I get off from the bar early. You free?
Kirsten: There must be something in the water. Suddenly everybody's interested in my social schedule. Actually I got 2 front row tickets to Liz Phair tonight.
Charlie: OK, that's just as good.
Kirsten: I'm going with George. He got them through his law firm.
Charlie: I can't believe you're going out with a lawyer. I mean isn't that kind of button down for you?
Kirsten: No, it's kind of perfect. The truth is I kind of owe it all to you. If you hadn't bailed out on me a couple of weeks ago, George and I might have never hooked up.
Charlie: If I could bring one ray of sunshine into your life...
Kirsten: You know, I thought we had something going Charlie, but you kind of weirded-out on me.
Charlie: I was trying to be a lot nobler then I actually am.
Kirsten: I'm not following you.
Charlie: Never mind it'll never happen again.

Girl: So we party on the street corner? Please.
Julia: Wait a minute. You just need a place?
[Girl nods]
Julia: I know a big house, zero hassles, total freedom and immediate occupancy.
Girl: Are you kidding? Are you serious?
Julia: You want to say 7:00?

Mr. Harlen: Charlie Salinger... you didn't set fire to the boys bathroom again did you?
Charlie: Hey Mr. Harlen.
Mrs. Peterson: Oh my goodness, if it isn't Charlie Salinger.
Charlie: Hey Mrs. Peterson.
Mrs. Peterson: We still talk about the peephole in the girls lockerroom.

Grunge Kid: You really got to let yourself loose. I practically got trampled to death at a Beastie Boys concert.
Julia: Oh, really?
Grunge Kid: It was totally cool when you're this close to having your skull crushed by a skinhead wearing a pair of Doc Martens. You know you're alive on the planet you know?

Worth Waiting For [1.4]

Bailey: Girls switch boyfriends all the time.
Will: Well what are you going to do? Just call her up and tell her to break up with him? And go out with you instead?
Bailey: No, I'm gonna, you know... I'm just gonna... hang around her a lot.
Claudia: Yeah, you know... Just be there all the time.
Bailey: Yeah.
Will: Gee, why didn't I think of that.
Bailey: And then you know, eventually she'll fall for me.
Claudia: Like a ton of bricks.
Will: And why is that again?
Claudia: Duh... He's Bailey.

Bailey: Hey Charlie, you ever get the feeling the Gods just don't like us?
Charlie: All the time, Bay, all the time.
Bailey:Maybe we should stop exclaiming "God!" all the time...

Charlie: You know what?
Kirsten: What?
Charlie: Nothing. It's, it's stupid.
Kirsten: Tell me..
Charlie: I, um... I used to get dragged to church when I was little and uh... I hated it. So I'd just stare at the angels on the ceiling and they always had this... beautiful golden hair like yours. So you just reminded me of an angel, I guess.
Kirsten: That's really nice.

Julia: What happened to Greg?
Nina: He's so immature. Drew is the coolest, Julia. He's cute and he's funny and he's a Senior.
Julia: Is he? It's a Junior class.
Nina: Well, I know. He's not Mr. Honor Roll. But he's really sexy.

All's Fair [1.5]


Bailey: Okay so I hire 2 big guys to kidnap him and take him off to some remote island or Hawaii, someplace. Just so Kate doesn't see him for a while and then eventually she forgets all about him.
Will: Hmm. I don't know Bay. Kidnapping? I don't think they let you graduate from high school if you've kidnapped somebody.

Julia: Don't you walk away from me.
Claudia: I don't have to listen to you.
Julia: You wanna bet?
Claudia: You don't have to listen to anyone. How come I do?
Julia: Because you're 11 and I'm older.
Claudia: You're not that much older.
Julia: Old enough. You disobeyed me.
Claudia: Yeah. So, what are you gonna do? Ground me?
Julia: Maybe. You think the only person you have to listen to in this house is Bailey.
Claudia: At least he cares about me!
Julia: What are you talking about? Why do you think I've been so concerned about you being in this competition? Because I care.
Claudia: Right. And that's why you're acting like such a BITCH!
Julia: Don't say bitch! I don't like you using language like that!
Claudia: You know what? Maybe you could just come and listen to me play for once, instead of just telling me what NOT to do all the time!
Julia: OK, Claudia, look. Don't walk away, we're not finished talking.
Claudia: You're not my mother.

Bailey: I'm such a moron. I can't believe what a moron I am.
Will: You are a moron.
Bailey: I...I just, kinda forced the issue.
Will: The issue?
Bailey: With Kate about Tom.
Will: The boyfriend?
Bailey: Yep.
Will: You said him or you?
Bailey: Pretty much.
Will: Wow
Bailey: Yeah
Will: And?
Bailey: And what? Would I be a moron if everything would have worked out?
Will: Good point by you.

Fathers and Sons [1.6]

Joe: Are you gonna walk out on me now? Oh excuse me, I forgot who I was talking to.
Charlie: Hey, you know what? I'm sick of you telling me what's wrong with me and I'm fed up with being reminded every day that I'm not half the man my father was. Especially when it turns out that he wasn't everything he was cracked up to be. I'm not the one who screwed up your business. Blame that on the management whiz. A guy who never lost his cool. Saw everything coming. My father did this to you.

PK: Would it be cool if I uh...crashed on your sofa?
Charlie: Uh... I'll get some blankets.
Julia: You'll have to be quiet though, my sister sleeps in the dining room in a tent.
PK: Your sister sleeps in a tent?
Julia: [chuckles] Kind of a weird family.
PK: Well... you have no idea.

Claudia: It's not polite to smoke in the house you know. Other people breath that stuff in.
PK: [puts his cigarette out] Happy?
Claudia: Have you ever done drugs, hard drugs, anything intravenous?
PK: Yeah, and I killed a guy once for a cigarette.

Much Ado [1.7]

Claudia: I'm just gonna stay out here.
Bailey: All night? Look, Claud, I gotta get back inside, I can't--
Claudia: Fine! So don't. I'd rather be alone, anyway.

Bailey: Do you think it's always gonna be like this for us?
Julia: I don't know. Maybe.... maybe these are the good old days.
Bailey: [laughs] Yeah. Doesn't get much better than this, huh?

Claudia: Do you believe in omens?
Bailey: What do you mean?
Claudia: Signs that bad things are gonna happen.
Bailey: No, I don't. I think people need to look for reasons that bad things happen, but... sometimes there just aren't any.

Charlie: So what, it's one strike and I'm out with you?
Kirsten: I guess so, yeah! See, that's what happens when you cheat, and when you lie to me!

Claudia: It's ok...I just bug you, right? I mean, I'm kind of just a big pain.
Bailey: No you're not, I'm just...I'm just trying to figure out how to work things, Claud. I mean, Kate's the first girlfriend I've ever had, first real girlfriend. And I'm not forgetting about you. I'm not. I promise. Whenever you need me, you come first.

Kiss Me Kate [1.8]

Charlie: I mean, writing things down, it just comes so naturally to you. You're a real good writer, Jul. And I know I'm not the best advice-giver or anything, but...I think whatever you do, you shouldn't stop writing. Whatever you do, you should write about it.

Julia: Thurber needs his walk which was your turn to give.
Claudia: And who's says I didn't?
Julia: A poop in the middle of the living room, that's who!

Charlie: I really need your help. What do you say?
Claudia: Sorry. Too risky.
Charlie: [to Julia and Bailey] You know, you just can't buy love like that.

Charlie: What are you doing?
Claudia: I want to help.
Julia: You'll hurt your hands.
Claudia: But Charlie, you asked me!
Charlie: What was I thinking about? A big star like you?
Bailey: Besides, an artist needs her sleep.
Claudia: It's OK. I don't care.
Julia: Go to bed, Claud.
Charlie: You owe it to your public.

Something Out of Nothing [1.9]


Thanksgiving [1.10]

Bailey: [about Walter Alcott] He's got his life back. I mean, he's working. I don't know. He can go to dinner, or see a movie, or take his family somewhere.
Emmett: You really think that, Bay? I don't.
Bailey: Well, I don't want to take the chance. I mean, he was in jail for nine months. Nine months! That's four and a half months for each of my parents! And good behavior. What is that about, huh? What did he do? Cure cancer? I want him to pay for what he did, and if it can't be with more jail time, then I want him to pay out of his own pocket!
Emmett: You want to sue?
Bailey: Can we?
Emmett: Well, yes, technically. You could file a civil suit against him.
Bailey: Then let's, then let's do it. Let's sue the bastard for every cent he's got.
Emmett: And you think that a lawsuit's only gonna make his life miserable? What about yours? You know how long these things can take? What with depositions and continuances and's years, Bailey.
Bailey: I don't care.
Emmett: You don't care, but what about the others? What about Claudia or Owen? What about Owen, Bailey? Because by the time this thing is over, he's gonna be old enough to understand.
Bailey: Yeah, well, at least he'll see me doing something.
Emmett: But doing what? Let's say you lose. What was it all for?
Bailey: Well, let's say we win.
Emmett: Fine, let's say that. You win. What has it changed? Exactly what have you won? You take something on like this, and it becomes your life.
Bailey: It is my life.

Charlie: [when Joe invites him and his siblings over for Thanksgiving] Look, we've had other invitations, Joe. Bay's friend Will. We just don't feel like it.
Joe: Charlie, there are gonna be other holidays without them. Are you gonna skip those, too?
Charlie: Look, we just need to get through this one, okay? It's easier that way for everyone.
Joe: I know this guy coming back shakes up everybody, and it brings up things that nobody wants to deal with, but you make a meal, you sit down as a family. It's like saying "Life goes on".
Charlie: We say that every day, Joe, without the turkey.

Walter: I understand.
Bailey: I don't think you can. I really don't think that there's any way that you can possibly understand.
Walter: You don't want to hear anything I have to say, do you?
Bailey: No, I sure don't.
Walter: Okay, then.
Bailey: I want to know what you know about them. About my parents.
Walter: Well, uh...I know their names. I know your mother was, uh, 45, and your father was...48.
Bailey: 47. Besides that.
Walter: He owned a restaurant. She was...a musician. A violinist.
Bailey: I mean the important stuff. She had hair all the way down her back. Did you know that? Beautiful dark hair my father wouldn't let her cut. They were married 26 years last January, and my dad would still come home in the afternoon and claim he had a headache, and he and my mom would go upstairs, and we all knew what they were doing. They loved each other. They were in love. My sister asks me questions that I can't answer because I don't know. Like, like why didn't he wear a watch? Or, or what was that song she used to sing to us when we were little and had fevers? And Owen. God, he won't even know to ask. There's just gonna be pictures on the piano and stories that we all tell that everyone remembers a little differently. And he's gonna walk soon, my brother. He's a couple weeks away, and they're not gonna see it because of you! Because you had a few drinks, and you got in your car, and you went through that intersection, and you killed them!
Walter: What can I do? What do you want me to do?
Bailey: I want you to step on your damn brake and stop at that red light!
Walter: So do I, but I can't. I can't take it back. So what I have to do is figure out a way to go forward.
Bailey: I don't want you to get past this. I can't. Why should you? See, I want to hurt you. I want to take something from you. Something that is so much a part of you that you don't know who you are without it, and I want you to spend the rest of your life knowing that's what you did to us. And I want to make sure you never forget.

Julia: How can you not have a damn thing to say?
Charlie: Just!-- Just cut it out, okay?

Julia: I'm telling you, it's hard. But it's not the hardest thing in the world to say 'I forgive you.'
Charlie: Yes, it is.

Private Lives [1.11]

Bailey: (on message machine) Hi, you've reached the Salingers, if we're not around, you know what to do.

Claudia: [to siblings] If you want to blame someone for this, blame yourselves! I'm growing up, and I'm becoming a woman! And you're missing it.

Claudia: [to Mrs. Gideon] The only thing that's gonna ruin this for us, and that's going to stop us from being a family, is you.

Mrs. Gideon: Claudia, two days ago, I got a phone call because your brothers and sister had no idea where you were, and that scares me.
Claudia: That's because you only look at what we do wrong.
Mrs. Gideon: Claudia.....
Claudia: What about all the things we do right? Like the fact that Bailey gets up in the middle of the night, every night, for Owen? I mean, he's 16 and on Friday nights, he babysits! Julia trims my bangs, and she doesn't let me watch movies on cable, and Charlie has this rule about eating vegetables for dinner...and Bailey took my class on a field trip to the planetarium with, like, 3 other mothers! And I'm trying to think of everything else, but--
Mrs. Gideon: Claudia--
Claudia: What more do you want from us? Tell me!
Claudia: [to Mrs. Gideon] What else do you want from us? Tell me! What more are we supposed to do--are we supposed to be perfect?
Mrs. Gideon: Of course not.
Claudia: [starts to cry] Are there really that many people who do much better? We made it through the last nine months. I don't think it can get much harder than that. Do you?

Mrs. Gideon: I am not the enemy here, Claudia.
Claudia: Yes you are. You might not think so, but you are.

Games People Play [1.12]

Julia: Look, don't lie to me. It's only gonna make things worse.
Morgan: I'm not gonna lie.
Julia: So, what's her name?
Morgan: Cari. Cari Latham.
Julia: Oh, my God. You're married?
Morgan: She just turned 2, she's my daughter.
Julia: But what about the mother?
Morgan: Well, we're friends, I mean, we weren't more of a like in a Dan Quayle situation, but it worked.

Grownups [1.13]

Bailey: Is this like some kind of big emergency, Claud?
Claudia: Well....kind of, yeah. The thing is...I just got my period.
Bailey: Oh...

Bailey: All right, let's see here...these look good! Come on, let's get out of here.
Claudia: Bailey, these are tampons! Super plus! Jesus...there sure are lots to choose from.
Bailey: These have wings. Wings...what's up with that?

Julia: I can make popcorn and read Charlotte's Web to you like I used to.
Claudia: You really wanna do that? How come? I thought you were way too old to be sharing a bedroom.
Julia: [smiling] Who said that, huh? I'm not too old.

Charlie: [to Claudia] Are you afraid of having an accident or something?
Bailey: She's afraid of spilling.
Julia: Staining.
Claudia: Oh God, I'm going to die.

Charlie: For God's sake, Claud, I don't have time for this! You think you're gonna miss school every time you get your period?
Claudia: I just don't feel like going! I'm moody.
Charlie: You're moody all the time.
Julia: Problem?
Charlie: Claudia's not going to school, she got her period.
Julia: So? It's her first time. She's nervous.
Claudia: I'm not nervous! I just don't feel like going!
Bailey: What's going on?
Charlie: Claudia's period.
Claudia: Why don't you just invite the neighbors over, and we can all talk about it!

Not Fade Away [1.14]

Julia: I did not take $10 from your wallet.

It's Not Easy Being Green [1.15]


Aftershocks [1.16]

Charlie: Hey, crank it up. People in Sausalito can't hear it.
[Giggling and moaning]
Charlie: What the hell do you think you're doing?!
Bailey: Charlie!
Jill: God! Jeez.
Bailey: Charlie, get out of here! You can't just come busting in my room like that!
Charlie: Claudia's downstairs, for God's sakes.
Bailey: Claudia's downstairs all the time when you and Kirsten do it.
Charlie: That's not the same thing.
Bailey: It's exactly the same.
Charlie: Claudia's downstairs, you're 16 years old, and you're not having sex in this house.
Bailey: You had sex in this house when you were 16.
Charlie: No, I didn't! Mom and Dad made it impossible for me, I'm gonna make it impossible for you.
Bailey: Oh, like that's fair.

[Knocks on door]
Jill: Oops, wrong house.
Charlie: Bailey's in the shower. You want to join him?
Jill: I got school. If you want, I can wait outside on the sidewalk across the street? Down the block, how's that? [starts vacuum cleaner] I'm allergic to wool.
Charlie: What?
Jill: Your sweater. It's wool, right? Well, even if I wasn't, I-- Allergic, I-- I wouldn't wear it. Oh, not the sweater, no. No, your sweater's really nice. No, it's just have you ever seen them shave sheep? Shear sheep-- Have you ever seen that? Ooh, it looks like it hurts. Doesn't look like the sheep are too happy about it, you know? It's kind of an animal cruelty issue really. [vacuum turns off] I just, I-- I get a rash really gross, around my wrists from wool.
Charlie: You're high.
Jill: What?
Charlie: You're on something.
Jill: I am not! God, last night too.
Charlie: After-- After the earthquake, you were-- You were bouncing off the walls.
Jill: Uh, I was scared, okay? Same as two million other people. Same as Claudia.
Charlie: It's speed, right?
Jill: You are crazy. I am not on--
Charlie: I lived with a guy in college. He used to take uppers to get through exams. His eyes looked like yours do, kind of, kind of glazed.
Jill: Wow. What did I ever do to you?

Bailey: There you are. I want to know what the hell your problem is with Jill.
Charlie: I guess Jill told you about our conversation.
Bailey: I want to know what you got against her that you would just come out, and, I mean, out of nowhere, accuse her of doing speed.
Charlie: She's on speed, Bay. [sighs] Maybe you haven't been around it long enough to know, but I have. All the signs are there.
Bailey: What signs?
Charlie: You haven't noticed that she's wired all the time?
Bailey: She's high-strung, that's her personality, and she works in a coffeehouse, for God's sakes!
Charlie: I mean, she drinks, like, I know you don't want to believe this about her, that's why you're not seeing it, but she has a problem.
Bailey: You're the one who's got a problem, Charlie. All the sudden you think you're Father Knows Best. You make all the rules, and you got all the answers.
Charlie: Fine. Get mad at me. It doesn't change what's going on here.
Bailey: You don't want me to be with her, just admit it.
Charlie: Okay. That's true, you're right. I don't want this girl messing up your life, Bay.
Bailey: So as long as I'm a good little boy, and I do my homework and I drink my milk, you're okay, but as soon as I start dating a girl who likes to have a little fun and who isn't a virgin, you start making up lies to break us up.
Charlie: If I wanted to do that Bailey, if I wanted to lie about her, why would I go to her? Come on, Bay, think about it. If that's true, why would I go to Jill and not to you?

Jill: First of all, those aren't even mine, all right? They're, like, mostly my brother's.
Bailey: Give me a break.
Jill: I'm telling you, he puts it in my bag, because he doesn't want my folks to find them!
Bailey: Jill.
Jill: What? Okay, okay, I'm not saying that I don't take them, all right? I take them sometimes, like, when I'm really stressed out at school, or if I'm working really late at the coffee shop or something. I mean, just every once in a while, just to keep me going. What is the big deal?
Bailey: Are you kidding? What is the big deal? You're on drugs.
Jill: I am not on drugs! I take some pills sometimes. Oh, what, you have never had a beer or something?
Bailey: What are these anyway? I don't even know what these are. Speed?

Bailey: Well, didn't you stop to think that maybe there's a-- There's a good explanation Like, maybe they were aspirin? Huh? I mean, it's not like Claudia's some drug expert or anything.
Julia: It's Darvax from when Mom hurt her back.
Charlie: It's a really strong drug, Bailey.
Bailey: Yeah, I know what kind of drug it is.
Charlie: You don't steal drugs from somebody's medicine cabinet unless things are pretty bad.
Bailey: I'll take care of it. Thanks.
Charlie: She needs to get help, Bay. In the meantime, we'd feel better if she didn't come around here so much.
Bailey: What? What're you doing? What are you, kicking her out of here? Is that what you're doing?
Julia: Shh! Claud's sleeping. Keep your voice down.
Bailey: Screw this. This is my house too.
Charlie: She's stealing, Bay, and she's lying to you. She's not in control.
Julia: And we don't want to see you get hurt.
Bailey: Wait, you think you're making this better, making me choose? You are making it so much worse, I can't tell you. This is my house. You don't tell me what to do with my girlfriend. There is no way in hell I'm putting up with that.

In Loco Parentis [1.17]

Justin: Do you know what the the word "private" means? Do you?
Julia: Justin.
Justin: You showed that poem to my mother.
Julia: No, I- She told you?
Justin: That was between us. That was the most private thing I could do, and you showed it to my mother.
Julia: I didn't think.
Justin: Do you like, tell her ever thing that I say to you? Do you, tell her what it's like when I kiss you?
Julia: No. Of course not.
Justin: What do you mean, of course not? It's not like it's impossible, now look what you did, I wrote you a love poem, I mean that's the first- That's the only love poem I've ever written to anyone. I couldn't even say those things to your face I had to write them down.
Julia: I'm sorry.
Justin: Where is it? Where is, uh, the poem?
Julia: It's on the.. Justin, please don't do that. Please.
Justin: I never should've written this for you.
Julia: I almost had it memorised.

Bailey: You had that friend that guy in the Who had a coke problem?
Charlie: Gary.
Bailey: Right. So what did you do? Was there, like, some really low-key treatment program somewhere? Because maybe if you talk to her mother You know, I mean, I tried, and it, like, completely backfired, but you're older, so maybe--
Charlie: Bailey, I'm not--
Bailey: Please, Charlie. I'm asking you. I'm really scared of what could happen to her.
Charlie: Bay, what are you gonna do? You keep drawing a line, and she keeps crossing it, and you keep going back to her, which is only making things worse. I'm telling you, the best thing you can do is walk away.
Bailey:I should've known better than to come to you.
Charlie: What the hell does that mean?
Bailey: It means you've got one answer to every problem. Turn your back and walk away.
Charlie: I am not walking away.
Bailey: Yeah, you are.
Charlie: No! I'm not walking away from you, and you're my problem. You're my responsibility.
Bailey: Please.
Charlie: Why don't you listen to me? I don't want to find out you're in the car the next time she cracks it up. I don't want you in trouble with the police if she gets busted. I don't want you getting deeper and deeper into this with her.
Bailey: I don't have a choice.
Charlie: Bailey what is going on here? What? Are you in love with her?

Who Cares? [1.18]

Bailey: I'm sorry I missed your birthday. It's just that with Jill and everything, it was...
Claudia: More important. Yeah, I know.
Bailey: No. Not more important. But...I guess it seemed more urgent. I'm really sorry.

Julia: I'm sure you did everything you could, Bay.
Bailey: I don't know. Maybe that's just the way it is with people. Maybe there's just nothing anybody can do to help anyone else.
Charlie: Bailey, you help people all the time.
Julia: Yeah. I mean, look what you did for Claudia.
Bailey: What, blow off her birthday? Yeah, I'm expecting a medal for that one.
Julia: You remembered the charm.
Charlie: Oh my God, the charm.
Bailey: You forgot the charm???
Julia: We both did.
Bailey: Oh God, no wonder she was so pissed!

Charlie: I don't know, Bay. Maybe the thing to do is look for people who actually want your help and just help them.

Brother's Keeper [1.19]

Julia: Hey, I was here. And all I got was you trashing me and Justin.
Bailey: Forget it.
Julia: No way. When did this become my responsibility?! I'm not the one who failed. I'm not the one who skipped a week of school to run off to LA. I mean, this is so unfair! I'm having a great time, for the first time in so long. I want to spend time with Justin, that's all I want to do! And now all this stuff about Seattle and having to study with you...
Bailey: What? What, was there a good reason just to ditch me?
Julia: You know what? You treat me like some baby with brains, you know? Like there's something silly and cute about being in love with someone. Why should I help you?
Bailey: Because I'm in trouble. And I'm your brother.

Julia: It's not the same thing.
Charlie: I know it's not, but--
Claudia: I don't want to go to a different school.
Charlie: You don't know that. We'll go visit the place. This is the first really great thing that's happened to me in my life, and I can't let it go, you have to understand that.
Julia: That's not fair, Charlie. That is not a fair argument! There is one of you and four of us, and each of us has something here that's every bit as important to us as your business is to you. And this is our home!
Charlie: Fine. Then I'll tell you what. I'm not asking, I'm telling you. We're moving to Seattle.
Bailey: You can't do that.
Charlie: The hell I can't! I'm in charge here, I'm the adult. We are picking up and we are going and I don't wanna hear another word about it from any of you.
Bailey: We are not going with you!
Charlie: Yes you are!
Julia: I'm not going. I'm moving in with Justin, we asked his parents and they said they'd think about it.
Claudia: What? What about me? Where do I go?
Charlie: You are all coming with me.
Bailey: There's no way you can do that, Charlie, OK? You can't! So you go. You go to Seattle and you take care of yourself. We're not going with you.
Claudia: We're gonna get split up.
Bailey: That's right. That's right. I hope you can live with that.

Claudia: I was just making a list of who would take what... I mean, if we get split up.
Bailey: Look, Claud. The thing is... if Charlie goes, we'll go with him.
Claudia: Even after what you said?
Bailey: Yeah.
Claudia: I can't imagine living anywhere else.
Bailey: Yeah, me neither. But maybe if we're all together, it won't be so bad.

Bailey: I don't's like I'm trying to keep from drowning, and I keep getting reminded of how easy it's been for you.
Julia: It hasn't been that easy.
Bailey: But at least you have Justin.
Julia: Yeah...I guess.

The Trouble with Charlie [1.20]

Charlie: How many is a lot?
Claudia: A couple....a few....some....six.
Charlie: Six? Six cavities? That's, like, 20% of your teeth, Claud! You eat way too much sugar, that's the problem.
Claudia: I do not!
Charlie: Yes, you do! Why don't you have a nice piece of fruit when you get home from school?
Claudia: Why don't you get a haircut?
Charlie: I'm serious, Claud, when was the last time you had a vegetable?
Claudia: When was the last time you put down the toilet seat?
Charlie: Okay. That is it. I'm getting rid of the sugar cereals.
Claudia: What?
Charlie: We'll get that sugar-free granola stuff, and you can have some raisins and maybe an orange juice bar when you come home from school.
Claudia: Wait a sec. Raisins. Raisins, is that a joke?
Charlie: Do you see me laughing? 6 cavities is completely insane. You'll have enough silver to set off the alarms at the airport. Yeah? Okay, fine. Savour it. It's the last one you're getting for a long time.

Claudia: Broccoli? Yuck. I don't like broccoli. You know I don't like it, I never liked it.
Charlie: Try it again. Maybe you'll like it this time.
Claudia: What's that suppose to mean? Parents say that to kids all the time, it just doesn't make sense. Why would I suddenly like something I've hated my whole life? Are you some sort of cooking genius, or has my taste changed overnight? I don't think so.
Charlie: We'll sit here until you finish eating the broccoli.

Claudia: I can't believe you throw out everything we have over a stupid plate of vegetables. I hate you now, you know that. I'll probably hate you forever.
Charlie: Eat.

Charlie: Don't you dare.
Claudia: What are you going to do? Tackle me, throw me to the ground, lock me in my room?
Charlie: For God's sales, Claudia. I'm warning you.
Claudia: I'm done with dinner.
Charlie: Ok, that's it. No more TV. The set is not going on, not for a single second for the rest of the month. You lose, Claud.

Charlie: Claudia, have you lost your mind?!
Claudia: Nope.
Charlie: [in response to the party Claudia threw at the house] I told you...
Claudia: You told me I was grounded, that I couldn't go out. Well, I didn't go out. I brought everyone in. So actually, technically, you're-- Ow! Charlie, ow! You're hurting me!
Charlie: You are NOT doing this to me anymore, have you got that? When I tell you to do something, you say 'Yes, Charlie,' 'Thank you, Charlie', and you DO IT! You obey me, and you treat me with respect, or I swear to God...
Claudia: WHAT? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna take away from me next?
Charlie: That is not what's going on!
Claudia: And in front of all my friends? Forget it! Why do you get to boss me around?
Charlie: Cut it out, Claudia!
Claudia: You never listen to anyone!
Charlie: I don't wanna hear this...
Claudia: Why should I listen to you?
Charlie: Because I am the father around here now!
Claudia: I don't care!
Charlie: God! [raises hand to hit her, quickly stops himself]
Claudia: Some father.
Charlie: Claudia...

Claudia: I'm eating an apple.
Charlie: [doesn't look up] Yeah, good for you.
Claudia: It's really delicious. I'm really enjoying it. Did you know apples are good from a dental standpoint? We learned that in school. If you can't brush for some reason, eat an apple. I'm going to be eating lots of them from now on, broccoli too.
Charlie: Have you seen the checkbook?
Claudia: I'm sorry, Charlie.
Charlie: Yeah, well, just help me look for it.
Claudia: No, I mean...I'm sorry about before. You know, with the sleepover. You got so mad...I didn't think it would make you that mad. You almost hit me...
Charlie: I don't want to talk about that, OK?
Claudia: But...
Charlie: OK?

All-Nighters [1.21]


The Ides of March [1.22]

Charlie: Bailey, what the hell do you think you're doing?
Bailey: What?
Charlie: Driving drunk?
Bailey: I am not-- (then looks at Will) What, did you tattle on me, man?
Charlie: You stupid, stupid son of a bitch! What are you thinking about? Like every day in this house doesn't say to you, you do not drink and then get behind the wheel.
Bailey: Okay.
Charlie: Like you need to be told.
Bailey: Okay! Fine. You made your point.

Claudia: [to Ross] You'd make such a great father. You, like, never yell. And you never do that thing parents do when they're pretending to listen, but really they're just noticing you have a lot of wax in your ear.

Bailey: I can't love anymore, it's too hard. So I'm not going to love anyone, and I don't want anyone to love me.
Charlie: Well, that's too bad... you don't have a choice... because I love you, Bailey. I love you, man.

Season 2


Ready or Not [2.1]

Charlie: Closing up!
Bailey: Tell your folks to start feeding you again, Will. It's your last free meal. Joe fired me today. Said there were only four days left to the only summer before the only senior year I'd ever have, and I should enjoy myself.

Falsies [2.2]


Dearly Beloved [2.3]


Have No Fear [2.4]


Change Partners ... and Dance [2.5]

Charlie: You know, Claud, when the doctor says there's a 98 percent chance you're gonna be fine, that's a good sign.
Claudia: I know.
Charlie: Well, if you know, then what's the problem?
Claudia: What if it's that 2 percent?
Charlie: It won't be. That's what 2 percent means.
Claudia: No, that's what zero percent means.

Analogies [2.6]


Where There's Smoke [2.7]

Griffin: Does that answer your question, Major?

Best Laid Plans [2.8]

Julia: I love this song.
Justin: I hate this song.
Julia: Justin, this was our song.
Justin: Exactly.

Charlie: Yeah. I'm the boss. I'm the boss, and kind of the dad... a couple of hours from now, I'll be the husband. If I had a clue how to be even one of those I'd be happy. [pause] There was this woman tonight. Last night, whatever it was. She wanted me to go to bed with her... and she was pretty and needy. Always a good combination, right George? It felt like this test, you know? The snake offering the apple, that kind of thing. And I said no. So if it was a test I passed it. Which means I ought to be feeling pretty good about it now. So, let me ask you a question. How come I still feel like I want to run away someplace? How come I feel like I can't breathe? How come it feels like someone's got their fist around my lungs?

Julia: Are you bringing anybody to the wedding?
Bailey: A date? No. You?
Julia: No. Griffin never would have come anyway. He probably doesn't even own a tie.

The Wedding [2.9]

Kirsten: I can't wait another six months, Charlie. Because in six months we're going to be exactly where we are today, and I don't ever want to feel this way again.

Bailey: I'm starting to think I should have expected things to turn out this way.
Sarah: What's that supposed to mean?
Bailey: It turns out all the Salinger men make the same mistake.
Sarah: What mistake?
Bailey: They walk away from the one thing that's actually the best thing that ever happened to them.

Kirsten: I would have given you everything today. For God's sake, Charlie, I would have given you me! I can't give you more than that---I don't know how to.

Grand Delusions [2.10]


Unfair Advantage [2.11]


Hold on Tight [2.12]

Bailey: Julia?
Justin: Bailey?
Sarah: Justin?
Julia: Sarah?

Julia: Bailey! What are you doing?
Bailey: If you wanna help out, Clash goes on this end, Wilco over there and just fill in the rest of the alphabet along the way.
Julia:You just can't do this, you can't just decide to take this place away from me.
Bailey: Hey, it's not like you'll listen to reasonable arguments.
Julia: What arguments? I thought of it first. It was my idea.
Bailey: What are you back to this dibs stuff? I'm older, okay? How about that? I get the attic because I'm older.
Julia: Bailey, come on, I really need this place. I mean, when Justin comes over--
Bailey: Hey, newsflash, you're not the only one going out with somebody.
Julia: Yeah, I know, but-- I'm trying out for this band, the Nielsen Family. And I'm gonna need somewhere to practice.
Bailey: Yeah, so? You can sing in the shower.
Julia: God!
Bailey: Look. I'm two seconds away from getting this TV internship. Coming home late probably. What am I supposed to do? Wake Owen up every night?
Julia: You can have my room.
Bailey: Oh, right, so, it's not good enough for you, but it's good enough for me?
Julia: Bailey, I need the privacy, okay? I mean, doors mean nothing to anybody in this family.
Bailey: Hey, you know what? I don't even have a door. Okay, I live with a 2-year-old. I'm 17. I deserve my own room.
Julia: God, I'm so sick of you sometimes! I'm so sick of everybody being in my face all the time. "Take care of Owen and take care of the house. "And help me with my homework. And can I come in? And can we talk?" I just need somewhere to get away from all of you.
Bailey: Yeah, well, same here. Now get out of my room. Beat it.
Julia: Urgh! Urgh!
Bailey: What the hell are you doing?
Julia: I'm just helping you straighten up. (lamp breaks)

Poor Substitutes [2.13]


Strange Bedfellows [2.14]


Benefactors [2.15]


Comings and Goings [2.16]


Valentine's Day [2.17]


Before and After [2.18]

Sarah: Julia...
Julia: What?
Sarah: Um...I'm not the right person.
Julia: What?
Sarah: I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I'm really not. Please don't think that. It's just that I have problems for myself, because of being adopted. I mean, if my mother had made the same choice as you, I wouldn't be here.
Julia: Oh. Right. Right. Um...[long pause] But see, you have to understand--
Sarah: No, Julia. I know you need somebody on your side. I know that, and I want to...but I can't. I'm sorry.

Charlie: I know you feel alone in this, Julia, but you're not. You're not the first one to ever make this decision. Something like a million women every year--
Julia: I know the statistics, Charlie. Thanks.
Charlie: I went with a girlfriend once to get one. In college.
Julia: You did?
Charlie: Yeah. Debra...Debra...Debra Lots of Bracelets Debra. [laughs] We didn't talk much beforehand about the decision. I mean, it just made sense for both of us. We weren't even 20, and it's not like we were in love with each other or anything. So...I felt really bad about it for a while afterwards, but that goes away. You don't carry it around with you forever, Julia. You really don't. I mean, before this happened with you, I hadn't even thought about it in, like, years.
Julia: And what about her?
Charlie: took a little time, I guess, but yeah. After a while, she was okay.
Julia: So you stayed in touch?
Charlie: Not exactly.
Julia: So how do you know that she doesn't still carry this around with her?

Claudia: God, I swear, sometimes I feel like the only thing anyone in this family ever says to me is 'Go away.' Justin, can I hang out with you? Justin?
Justin: Alright? Just get out of here.

Julia: You don't have to leave.
Claudia: That's okay.
Julia: Claud, I want to talk to you.
Claudia: That's okay.
Julia: Claud.
Claudia: [about Julia aborting her baby] I don't get it.
Julia: What?
Claudia: How could you even think about doing this? What about Owen? He was an accident, too. Do you think Mom and Dad should have never had him?
Julia: This is different!
Claudia: How is it different? It's not different at all!
Julia: Claudia, I am too young to have a baby! Claudia, please.
Claudia: If you do this...there are people who are gonna say that it's murder, and you have to tell me what to say when they say that about you. You have to tell me what to say to them! Please!
Julia: I don't know...but I would not be doing this if I thought that was true.

Altered States [2.19]

Charlie: Can we sit down for a second? (they sit and he takes a deep breath) I want you to know that I think you're a really great person.
Kathleen: Okay...
Charlie: You've been incredibly good to me...I mean, really, really generous. So I want to be fair. That stuff you said last night about us moving forwards and about us not being so casual...the thing is, Kathleen, I like casual. Casual really works for me. Casual is what I thought we were doing here. But I don't know...I guess you're right. We can't be casual forever. And if you're not ready to get serious, well that...that says something. I guess eventually you either fall in love or you don't.
Kathleen: And I'm guessing you're in category B.
Charlie: I'm sorry. Since you've been so honest with me, and I thought that I owed it to you...
Kathleen: [upset] Uh huh. Thank you for being honest. [walks off]

Griffin: I'm sorry. I just thought maybe if you came to do something fun, it'd make you forget about the other stuff.
Julia: Griffin, it's not your fault. It's like, what am I doing having fun. You know?
Griffin: Why shouldn't you?
Julia: I don't know. Whenever I made a mistake before I could always fix it. But this...there's no way to undo it. It's just there. Always. I get a knot in my stomach when I think about it.
Griffin: Yeah, I know that feeling. I used to get drunk when I'd get that.
Julia: I just want to feel like I'm still an okay person. Everyone tells me that I am, but it doesn't mean anything. I just look at them and think, what the hell do you know?

Julia: You go to church?
Griffin: Well, I kind of have to. Part of the military school plan.
Julia: My dad used to take us to church...
Griffin: Yeah. My parents too. Every Sunday, my mom and I would have a huge fight over wearing a tie. When I came here, it was like one more thing I have to do, you know? Punishment, great. I don't know. One day, I started to see things differently. I actually started to listen to what the guy was saying. A lot of the stuff I could care less about. But the main stuff, the overall's cool. This is the only place where all the bad stuff that I've done...all of the mistakes that I've made, don't matter. [pause] They matter. They just don't change what I'm worth. As a person. Here I'm...loved. No matter what. My parents would never say that to me. Even if they thought it they wouldn't say it. I guess yours can't either, huh?
[Julia rests her head on his shoulder]

Julia: Maybe I'll stay. It's nice here.
Griffin: No it's not. The music sucks and the people talk funny.
Julia: Well, it's nice being with you. What do you have at that place, a bunk? Maybe you could hide me in your bunk.
Griffin: You probably shouldn't joke about that.
Julia: Yeah, probably not.
Griffin: Because, uh, I mean, you've got a life back there. You've got...well, a lot of things back there.
Julia: Yeah. But I feel so far away from them now. I don't know if I can, you know, feel like this back there.
Griffin: I just think you've got to hang in there and do the time. I mean, that's the one thing you know is going to change. For every sucky day you live, you don't have to live it again. It's did it. Move on. Maybe the next one won't suck.
Julia: And if it does?
Griffin: Same philosophy. the time.

Bailey: Hey, why do you have to be so cold?
Sarah: Why do you have to be so judgmental?
Bailey: I'm not...I 'm not. I'm just...I'm just trying...I'm trying to find you, is what I'm trying to do.
Sarah: Well, here I am.
Bailey: No, I know. But it's not you you. You're different. It started when you hooked up with the band...that when you guys were singing, you would cop this attitude. And now it's like you're a completely different person all the time.
Sarah: I'm 16, Bailey. I'm still finding out who I am, and maybe...maybe who you're seeing, maybe that's the real me.
Bailey: Well, she's not the you that I fell in love with.
Sarah: Which means what...that if I change you're not going to love me anymore?
Bailey: That's not what I said.
Sarah: Because I might change, Bailey. But that should be a good thing. And if being with you means that I can't change, then there's something wrong with being with you, not something wrong with changing. [walks away]

Happily Ever After [2.20]


Spring Breaks (1) [2.21]

Charlie: You called Joe?
Bailey: Yeah, sorry, we just didn't happen to have $2500 bucks lying around to bail you out. Take him home, Joe, will you? I can't look at him right now.

Spring Breaks (2) [2.22]


Season 3


Summer Fun, Summer Not [3.01]

Will: What is that?
Bailey: What?
Will: It's your window, I think.
Bailey: What? No way. Oh no! I don't believe it! Damn it! Is there something you want to say here, Will?

Going, Going, Gone [3.02]

Charlie: End of the week and you're out of here. And pick up your crap in the living room, I'm sick of tripping over it.

[Julia comes home while Griffin is watching TV]
Griffin: Hey. Oh, you're home early. Cool.
Julia: [mad] Cool?
Griffin: Okay. It's not cool. You're mad?
Julia: What were you thinking? I mean, what could possibly have been going on in your brain to think that it was okay to talk to my boss like that?
Griffin: What was I supposed to do, sit there and watch him rag on you?
Julia: Yes. Yeah.
Griffin: Well, no-- Nobody treats you like that. I don't care who he is.
Julia: Griffin, I got fired. Okay?
Griffin: 'Cause of that Xeroxing thing?
Julia: No. No, because of you.
Griffin: What? So you got fired from some lousy job you hated anyway. Big deal. You don't need to be working for that jerk.
Julia: I needed a recommendation from that jerk. I needed this job for college, and y-you ruined that for me. I am so tired of this stuff. I'm sorry, Griffin, but I am. I used to think it was cool, you know, the way that you would show up whenever you wanted and be aloof and create all these dramas. I used to think that that made you this really romantic guy.
Griffin: What do you mean used to?
Julia: I love you, Griffin, but stuff has happened to me, and I am different now. And there are things that I want. Only you... You're just... [sighs] You're just still hanging around. I mean, isn't there anything that you want?
Griffin: I want you.
Julia: No. I mean, out of life.
Griffin: Yeah. You.
Julia: That's not enough.

Short Cuts [3.03]

Charlie: Miss Levin. Boy, I haven't thought about her in years...She always liked me.
Claudia: Yeah? 'Cause when I told her I was your sister, she kinda had to grab hold of the desk and her face got all pale.

Justin: I am not going to win. I have nothing to write about. A-- A pivotal event in my life? What am I--? What are you writing about? What's your essay? Your, uh-- Your entry?
Sarah: Well, uh, meeting my birth mom.
Justin: Oh, great. Fantastic. They're gonna love that. They're gonna eat it up with a spoon.
Sarah: Well, excuse me. It's not like I made it up so I'd have something to write about.
Justin: And don't even tell me. You're gonna write about your parents.
Julia: Well, yeah. But I don't know what that has do with anything.
Justin: Man, talk about a ringer.
Julia: Justin, that is disgusting.
Justin: You know what? I bet you'll both win. Yeah, you'll tie. And you'll both go to Stanford, and I'll be busy over at, uh, Stop & Shop saying, "paper or plastic?" Paper or plastic? Can I double-bag that for you? Paper or plastic? Paper or plastic?
Sarah: I'd be okay with a tie.
Julia: Yeah.

Girl: Hi, Justin.
Justin: [to Julia] She's just a friend.
Julia: So am I; a friend who's seen you naked.

Deal With It [3.04]


Mixed Signals [3.05]

Bailey: I have a feeling you're one of those girls. One of those never-a-dull-moment girls.
Callie: The kind you're attracted to?
Bailey: Nope. Not any more. Recovered.
Callie: Recovered, or non-practicing?

Going Home [3.06]


Personal Demons [3.07]


Not So Fast [3.08]


Gimme Shelter [3.09]

Alec: Do you think that little red thing grows in the olive or someone shoves it in there after?
Julia: What?!

Sarah: Ready? Cribs and beds and tables and chairs, Mom buys them at Baby Bear's.
Bailey: What's with the voice?

Close to You [3.10]


I Do [3.11]


Desperate Measures [3.12]

Sarah: You can't drink or have did one...why not the other?
Bailey: I did both. It's not your fault. I can't lie to you. Callie...I ...with Callie.
Sarah: [crying] Wow.

Christmas [3.13]

Bailey: Fine, I'll stop by sometime.
Julia: Oh, that's great. Another one of your "drive-bys."
Bailey: What do you want from me?
Julia: I want you to come home for Christmas.
Bailey: I'm not doing Christmas this year.
Julia: Oh, get over yourself, Bailey, okay?

Life's Too Short [3.14]


Significant Others [3.15]


I Declare [3.16]


Misery Loves Company [3.17]


MYOB [3.18]


Point of No Return [3.19]

Grace: Are you okay? Maybe you should--
Bailey: You know what, Grace? You tell too many people what to do. Maybe if you were less of a bitch, more people would like you.

Bailey: It was-- He pushed-- It was an accident. The hell with all of you.

Intervention [3.20]

Claudia: [after her siblings ask her to lie to Bailey about Owen being hurt in an attempt to get him to come to the house] No. Uh uh. No way.
Charlie: Claud.
Claudia: No. Forget it. That's a terrible thing to do.
Julia: Yeah, it is. It is. But how else, Claud. How else can you get him here?
Claudia: I don't know. But that? No, no. You can't tell him that. I mean, you can't have him get in his car and drive all the way over here thinking that. [to Sarah] You don't think this is, like, the cruelest thing you could do to a person? I mean, you're actually okay with this?
Sarah: I know it'll get him here, Claudia. So yeah, I am.
Claudia: Well, I don't care. I won't. I don't care, and you know, if you think it is such a great idea, you call.
Julia: It won't make any sense coming from Sarah. Or me, or Charlie.
Charlie: It's you, Claud. If you call him and say that you need his help, that you don't know what to do, then he'll believe you. And he'll come.
Julia: He's in trouble, Claudia. I mean, aren't you willing to do whatever it takes to help him? I am.
[Claudia looks torn; starts dialing]
Claudia: [crying hysterically on phone] Bay! Bay, um, it's Owen. He...I wasn't looking and he...he fell down the stairs and he hit his head...hard. I don't know...I don't know if he's breathing...but he's not moving, Bailey. And I don't know what to do! You gotta...okay. Okay, but hurry. [hangs up. To Charlie] Shame on you.

Bailey: Sarah. So, you too, huh?
Sarah: Yeah, me too.
Bailey: What is this like your way of getting back at me for Callie? Is that what this is?
Sarah: You really think this is about revenge?
Bailey: It sure as hell feels like it to me.
Sarah: I'm not trying to get back at you, Bailey. I'm here because...because I've seen how you drink. How much you drink and what it does to you.
Bailey: Uh huh. So you think I'm an alcoholic.
Sarah: I think you have a problem, Bailey.
Bailey: [raising his voice] You think that I'm an alcoholic. Why don't you just say it? That's what you came here to say, isn't it?
Sarah: I think you're an alcoholic.
Bailey: Well...well I think you're full of crap. I think you're all full of crap. And if you think I'm gonna hang around here and listen to you all tell me what a lush you think I am, as delightful as that's been real.
Sarah: If we're all wrong then why are you running away? See, you leave now, and all that does is say to us, Bailey's got a problem and he's too afraid to deal with it. So, so okay. So I'm wrong. So we're all full of crap. So set us straight, Bailey. Explain it. You know, make us see it from your side. [pause] Stay.

Bailey: What are you gonna do? Take a year off so you can get pregnant again?
Julia: What?
Charlie: That's enough, Bailey.
Bailey: Yeah? Says who? You can all dish it out, but you can't take it, huh?
Charlie: I said, that's enough! Julia. God, do you-
Bailey: What? What, now you want to give me a lecture on screwing up? Talk about hearing from the master. I got a better idea, Charlie. How bout we talk about you instead? Actually. You know what? This would be educational for Grace.
Charlie: Bailey.
Grace: I don't wanna hear it.
Bailey: Sure you do. Of course, you do. I mean, how much do you actually know about Charlie's sexual history?
Charlie: Stop it, Bailey.
Bailey: Has he cheated on you yet? Give it time, he will, he's cheated on every other girl he's been with. Why not you? He cheated on Kirsten, at least once that we know of.

Joe: [after telling Bailey that their father was also an alcoholic] I'm sorry, Claudia. I didn't know you were standing there.
Claudia: It's OK. I should know, right? Who my father really was...
Joe: That wasn't who he was. It was just a small part of him.
Claudia: It isn't small. It's everything. He was an alcoholic.
Joe: He stopped drinking long before you were even born, Claudia.
Claudia: But changes everything.
Joe: How?
Claudia: Because I thought I knew him!
Joe: You did, sweetie! Everything you remember about your father is still true. He wasn't perfect, Claudia. He made mistakes, he had faults... it didn't make him any less of a person. Just made him human.

Bailey: I um, I was thinking about us...about you and me.
Sarah: You were?
Bailey: It's funny. Because this is, like, what we used to talk about. Remember? And, and I finally have an answer to that question that you asked me.
Sarah: I don't...
Bailey: When you were looking for your mom. And you'd say to me, I wonder what I got from her. My voice, or my dark hair. Remember? And you asked me what I got from my parents.
Sarah: Bailey...
Bailey: It's like, Claudia plays the violin, and Julia looks like her, and Charlie looks like him. And this is what I got. This is what my father gave me.

Bailey: I don't need to be taken care of. And I don't need any AA contact. I mean it's okay, Charlie. I kind of feel better, actually.
Julia: You do?
Bailey: Yeah, I do. Anyway. I guess you guys were right about me. Turns out you were right. Of course you were. I mean, I'm my father's son, right? Which is...which explains a lot of things. I mean, I can finally stop looking at myself and thinking, what is going on here? What am I turning into? Who am I turning into? Because it's him. I'm turning into him. And it's not my fault. It's not my fault. It's his fault. I'm gonna stop beating myself up and I'm gonna stop letting all of you guys beat up on me. Because this is just who I am, and this is what I do. I drink. Anyone seen my coat?
Claudia: That's it?
Bailey: Yeah, Claud, that's it.
Claudia: [upset] No. No no no no no no no. I can't take this, Bailey. I mean, you can't do this anymore.
Bailey: Claudia...
Claudia: [crying hysterically] No, Bailey. I mean it. That's it...that's it! I mean if you don't...if you don't get help, I don't want to see you. You can't talk to me...and you can't talk to Owen...and you can't come over to the house...and I'm not going to come and see you...and I'm not going to call you...and I'm not even going to think about you.
Charlie: Claudia...
Claudia: No! I love you, Bailey. More than anyone. I love you the best. You know that. This is the only thing I have that I can take away from make you stop. So either you get help right now...or get out of here.
[long pause; Bailey finds his coat and leaves]

Hitting Bottom [3.21]

Avery: Claudia, please. I really don't--
Claudia: No! Because I know what you're doing. You're trying to protect me. But're not.
Avery: How does it help you to think bad things about your father?
Claudia: I don't want to think bad things, Avery. I want to think good things, but I can't, because whenever I try...whenever I remember him posing us for one of those stupid Christmas cards, as a human pyramid or seems fake, like I'm remembering something the way he wanted me to, but not how it really was.
Avery: He drank too much, Claudia. What more do you need to know?
Claudia: I want to know what he was like. What he was really like.

Bailey: Who's your favorite brother? [Owen doesn't answer] Bailey, stupid!
Owen: Bailey, stupid!
Bailey: Okay, we're gonna have to work on that one.

Charlie: Where the hell have you been? Where the hell have you been?!
Bailey: Where the hell have I been? I took Owen out for a ride... what the hell is so the hell about it?
Charlie: You took him from daycare without telling anybody, then you kept him all day without calling?
Bailey: I spent the afternoon with my little brother. What's the big deal? I do it all the time.
Charlie: No you don't. For the last couple months you've been totally AWOL.
Bailey: Well, then I'm making up for lost time. What's wrong with that?
Charlie: Because we had no way of knowing... How are we supposed to...
Bailey: If I was drunk? Is that what this is about? You thought I'd be wasted? Right? You thought I would drive around wasted and get Owen killed?
Charlie: Well. Are you?
Bailey: Oh, that's really sweet, just when I thought my family couldn't love me any less...
Charlie: Have you had anything to drink?
Bailey: No, I haven't.
Charlie: Let me smell your breath.
Bailey: Get away from me.
Charlie: You have! You've been drinking!
Bailey: I had a beer, Charlie. One beer.
Charlie: You drank and you drove with your little brother in the car!
Bailey: I'm completely sober! Ok, you wanna give me a test?!
Charlie: I don't believe you! Somebody ought to...
Bailey: Well, come on! Go on! [Charlie grabs Bailey by the shirt, and the others run to stop him]
Julia: No, Charlie! Charlie! Charlie! Stop it!
Claudia: Charlie!
Julia: Stop!
Claudia: Stop, Charlie!
Julia: Stop!
Claudia: Stop it! [to Bailey] Bailey.
Charlie: Just stay away from Owen, you hear me? You can wreck your own life, but you're not gonna hurt him.
Bailey: He's my brother!
Charlie: No, he's not!
Bailey: I can't believe, that you people--
Sarah: Bailey! We gotta go after him. Right? I mean, obviously this isn't working, he isn't gonna learn anything like this. He's been drinking and now he's gonna drive and we've gotta do something! Right? Right?

Charlie: Why did you tell Claudia all that stuff about our father?
Avery: Well, she came in all upset, and I just--
Charlie: Exactly. Exactly! She's upset. She's upset about drinking in our family, so you tell her that her father was some kind of abusive drunk? Why would you do that?
Avery: Charlie, wait--
Charlie: Because this whole alcoholism thing, the way it works, she's gonna think that whatever happened to Dad is gonna happen to Bailey!
Avery: She asked me what I remember. All I did was--
Charlie: The fact of the matter is that Dad was never that bad! I remember him from back then too, you know, and I don't remember any of the stuff that you told Claudia. I mean, he drank too much, sure, and there was some yelling, definitely, but he got his act together pretty quickly, and Bailey will too. So as far as all this stuff you told Claudia, I don't know, maybe you have your own reasons for believing it, but we don't need to hear it, okay?
Avery: You think I'm carrying out some sort of old grudge against Nick?
Charlie: Everyone knows you were in love with her, so of course you're going to blow up every flaw he had. You didn't want to believe that he belonged with her.
Avery: That's not it.
Charlie: You're just trying to get back at him.
Avery: That's not even close, Charlie. Because there's so much worse that I could have told her.

Charlie: I'm sorry, Claud. I shouldn't have yelled at you. But I don't get it. I don't get why you're so mad at him.
Claudia: Because of what he did to us.
Charlie: But what did he do to you, really? Because he didn't make Bailey drink. I know you think he did, but--
Claudia: Yes, he did. He gave him his problem.
Charlie: No, Claud. Even if he did get the alcoholism from him, Dad couldn't help that, any more than Mom could help giving you her music.
Claudia: Maybe not, but…he could help what he did to her. He could help being a bad husband and a bad father.
Charlie: He wasn't Claud. He quit drinking. He made himself better, and the guy he was after that, you loved him. You thought he was a great father.
Claudia: I don't care. I don't think that anymore.
Charlie: You know, I've made a lot of mistakes, too, stuff that's hurt this family, and I tell myself that you need to screw up before you can learn, you know? Maybe you've got to be a lousy person before you can be a good one. And Owen, I mean…what if someday, Owen looks at me the way you're looking at Dad? Because if he does, there's no reason he won't decide to hate me.
Claudia: You're different, Charlie. The stuff you did, it's just not the same thing.
Charlie: Yes, it is. It's exactly the same. He was a good father, Claud, and if he was still around, he'd be a good father now. [long silence] Claudia?
Claudia: Is Bailey gonna be okay?
Charlie: I hope so. But I don't know.

Leap of Faith [3.22]

Sarah: So, do you have a plan? I mean, is there, like, some sort of treatment or something?
Bailey: Yeah. AA. I'm gonna go to my first meeting tonight.
Sarah: That sounds good.
Bailey: I guess I better practice. "Hello, my name is Bailey Salinger, and I am an alcoholic."
Sarah: Bailey, um, it's Alcoholics Anonymous. You're not supposed to give your last name.
Bailey: Oh. Well, then, it's a good thing I practiced.

Bailey: [about his AA meetings and the man who killed their parents] They're all the same. Everybody sits around and talks about how you have to believe in a higher power. You have to surrender yourself to God. It's written in the first couple of steps, and when has God ever taken care of us? We're sitting here without Mom and Dad! Come on! Walter Alcott is living proof that there's no way there's a God.

Sarah: You have to go to AA, Bailey. You have to.
Bailey: And say that I believe in stuff that I don't? Lie? No, I don't want to do that. I'm sick of lying, Sarah, so no.
Sarah: No! No, Listen to me, okay? I'm here, and I'm here with you because you promised me you were going to get help.
Bailey: I tried!
Sarah: So try again, okay? This isn't optional! Look, you don't have a choice here. You have a disease, and you need to do whatever it takes to get well, okay? So skip the God part, do the rest!
Bailey: No, it doesn't work that way, dammit! Don't you think that I wanted AA to be it? I know there's something wrong with me, and if I could believe that there was really someone who would protect me and help me not want to drink 24 hours every stupid day, don't you think... Sarah, don't you think that I would want that?

Walter Alcott: Bailey?
Bailey: No. Don't talk to me.
Man: You two know each other?
Bailey: My parents are dead because of him.

Promises, Promises [3.23]


A Little Faith [3.24]

Bailey: I know you said you didn't want me to be here, but wow, Claud. You were incredible! The couple next to me, they were clapping so hard for you, if you didn't do an encore, I think they would have ended up in the hospital! So, you want to do something? You want to get some dessert and celebrate? Or we could check out--
Claudia: Just cut it out, okay?
Bailey: Cut what out?
Claudia: Being all nice and concerned and "What do you want, Claud?" You're only doing it because you screwed up.
Bailey: Claudia. Look, Claudia, what do you want me to say? I'm sorry.
Claudia: You're always sorry, and I'm just getting sick of it, okay?
Bailey: Well--
Claudia: Because all I do is worry about you, Bailey, and...what happened to you worrying about me?
Bailey: Of course I worry about you, Claud.
Claudia: Do you? Do you know what a big deal tonight was? Do you really know how scary it is to stand up in front of a thousand people who have heard it a zillion times, only, only played by Itzhak Perlman or Isaac Stern? It''s hard to breathe, and your fingers, they...they feel all thick, and, you feel...
Bailey: What?
Claudia: [crying] Alone. I felt alone. I can't count on you anymore, Bailey, and I can't go to you to make me feel better, because you're...all of a sudden, I'm the one taking care of you, cleaning up after you, watching out for you, and it's not fair!
Bailey: Why not? Why isn't that fair? Because I'm older than you? Because you need to be taken care of, and I don't? Will you stop? [Claudia stops walking] Listen, Claudia, I wish more than anything that you didn't have to watch me fight this the way I am, but you do. Look, I am sorry, but that is just the way it is.
Claudia: Great.
Bailey: Hey, you know what? You know what? You're not a baby anymore, and you're not gonna be a kid for that much longer, either, so maybe...maybe you could come through for me.

You Win Some, You Lose Some [3.25]


Season 4


What a Drag [4.01]

Mrs Reeves: How could you lie to us, Sarah?
Julia: Do I have to sign Mrs. Holbrook?
Mover: Lady, you can sign Hillary Clinton for all I care.

Bailey: How could you lie to me like that all summer?
Sarah: Wow, let's see. My parents said they didn't want me seeing you anymore because you're irresponsible and dangerous. I couldn't figure out a nice way to put that.

Griffin: Absence definitely makes the heart grow weirder.

Bailey: How long am I gonna be persona au gratin?

Past Imperfect [4.02]

Sarah: What can they do? I mean they say they don't believe me, I say, hey, let's break a windshield over your head and see how much you remember.

Schuyler: I gotta tell you. I look at you guys and I think how often do you get to see a good man find an even better woman... Yeah, I just wish I knew which was which.

Charlie: My little brother Owen, he is the most important thing that I have ever had to take care of. I'm not taking any chances with him. None. And I don't care who it hurts. You, me. I would hurt anybody to protect him. So I'm doing it. Because that's the only thing I know how to do.

Sarah: What does Callie have to do with this?
Bailey: Nothing.

Handicaps [4.03]

Claudia: I mean who leads off with their crummiest characteristics? "Hi, I'm Charlie. I have a frequent body odor, a limp and a tendency towards violence. You wanna make that dinner and a movie or just dinner?"

Bailey: [to Sarah] Besides I told you you shouldn't live with me out of fear. And you're not living with me out of fear. You're living with me out of desperation.

Sarah: Apparently there is a nice, clean, safe stud on the third floor.

Zap [4.04]

Charlie: You're never going to guess what I have.
Nina: Is it contagious?
Charlie: I hope so.

Sarah: We should take all of the energy that we used to devote to constructive things, like school work, and instead apply it to an elaborate plan to drive her out of her mind and apartment 14.

Sarah: We are going to look back on this as one of those most important times in our lives. You know like like our Season of Self-Reliance.

Fight or Flight [4.05]

Bailey: Hey, can I have some of your milk? I know I still owe the cookie jar, but if I have to eat my corn flakes with root beer again...

Charlie: That is why, Owen, that you need to take time when you meet new friends. You go slow just for this reason, to save yourself needless suffering. And the other thing we've learned here O, is that your big brother, he is always right okay? You feel better now?

Charlie: Don't touch that Owen, that fish is covered with feathers.
Nina: It's a bird, Charlie.

Immediate Family [4.06]

Kirsten: Well, the endive is just right, and the, uh, balsamic's perfect, and I'm married Charlie. I, uh, I got married.

Charlie: I'm happy for you. And you know what? I really, really mean that. 'Cause I really am. And I don't know - I guess that means that things must be going okay for me too. That's all I ever wanted, was to see you happy. I guess I always thought that meant we'd be happy together, but I lost you - but I still get what I wanted most. I still got what was most important... I love you Kirsten.

Positive Attitude [4.07]

Charlie: I keep looking at everything, and I'm like...what's 75% of that tree over there? Is that a lot? Is it a good chance? Does it mean I'm gonna live?

Claudia: If I owned an Armani anything, I would wear nothing else. I mean, what is your problem with this suit?
Charlie: Okay, you want to know what it is... Kathleen gave it to me. Like as a tip so every time I put it on I feel like a gigolo or something.
Claudia: That's very moving Charlie, but my feeling on this is unless you're going to say that in your wedding toast, you should put on the suit.

Claudia: Charlie, what happened to you?
Charlie: Nothing, I guess. I just haven't been eating much since Nina went on that trip.
Claudia: Get her on the phone, we gotta fatten you up.

Griffin: A cake I like... a cake I like is an ice-cream cake.
Julia: A cake that melts. Are you insane?

Sarah: How does this smell?
Bailey: That depends. What kind of insect are you trying to repel?

Sickness, Health / Richer, Poorer [4.08]

Bailey: You don't get to choose, you just fall, and then you have this person, this weird person, who's all wrong and all right at the same time.

Charlie: There are things that you do for people you love. And they're not the same things you do for people you like. Not even people you like a lot. Because I look at you and I think this is too much for her...Because if you know this is too much for you, you have to tell me that too.

Charlie: One month into a relationship we should be talking about the latest movie, not the latest trend in radiation.

Griffin: I'm worse than married, I'm in love.

Truth Be Told [4.09]

Charlie: I just gotta know, Julia. What are you waiting for, Julia? My funeral?
Julia: What?
Charlie: I mean, I can't get Claudia to shut up about it, and you, I don't hear a word from! Nothing! You don't even stop by! It's like I'm going through all this, and you couldn't care less!
Julia: You think that? You think I don't care?
Charlie: What am I supposed to think? What's take, Julia? How much effort is required to pick up a freakin' phone?
Julia: Maybe it takes, I don't know, some sign, something that I'm a part of your life! I mean, you want me to care, Charlie, but you didn't want me to know!
Charlie: But you do know! Now you know!
Julia: But you didn't tell me! Claudia did.
Charlie: Look, I don't have time to play games with you, Julia.
Julia: Games? You are the one playing games, Charlie. You let me go on and on about my stupid money problems. You don't interrupt. You don't say a word about your health, like your cancer isn't important enough to mention! Like how could Julia possibly care about anything but herself? God, what am I supposed to do Charlie, except take my cue from you? If you have wanted anything from me, if you had expected anything from me, you would have treated me like I was capable of coming through for you. But obviously, you don't. So congratulations, Charlie. I guess you have me pegged.
Charlie: What is this? What is your...God, I'm sick! I'm sick, and you've got a problem with, with my process? Get over yourself, Julia! Man, I thought Owen was the baby of the family!

Sarah: What else?
Bailey: What else?
Sarah: Yeah, what else do you want to yell at me about. Because if this helps you to be angry and scream about how unfair this all is... how helpless you feel, how helpless you are, well then that's what you need to do. Go ahead, I can take it.

Kirsten: I don't want to be the only one Charlie. Because what happens when I disappoint you some day...and I'm scared cause if I'm the only one I have to watch what I say and what I do...I hear what you are saying about them and it's like, I'm next in line to make the same mistakes they're making. I'll call you too much or not enough. Or you're going to get insulted about some analogy I make from my life.

Claudia: It must be bad, otherwise you would have leveled with me. You would have said it's cancer and one in four people who get it die. But you didn't. You said it was one hundred percent curable and then you bought me ice cream.

Claudia: Are you going to die?
Charlie: No, I'm NOT going to die.
Claudia: Why should I believe you?

Adjustments [4.10]

Annie: [to Bailey]] Don't you dimple me. I can't take that kind of pressure.

Sarah: Julia, a job is like waiting tables or cleaning toilets. It's not supposed to be fun. That's why they call it work.

S'Wunnerful Life [4.11]

Julia: Oh, I can beat you misery for misery.
Justin: Okay. New Haven is the bleakest, coldest, most depressing place in the world.
Julia: Wow, that's good. Try living in a shed.

Sarah: Must be the nutmeg.
Will: I love nutmeg.
Sarah: Or maybe it's the vanilla.
Will: I love vanilla.
Bailey: I'm thinking it's the rum.
Sarah: I didn't put any rum in this.
Bailey: No, but those guys did.
Will: Love those guys.

Justin: I always hated you.
Griffin: Huh? Oh, yeah. What a coincidence. I always hated you, too.
Justin: I mean, let's be honest. You got this whole "bad boy" thing going on "this is me, and I don't give a damn" thing that women always go for Makes me wanna puke.
Griffin: Well, what about you, huh? You with your "smartest and thinks he's smartest" routine. Major pain in the butt, Mr. Harvard freakin' law.
Justin: It's Yale! All right? And I'm an English major.
Griffin: Ooh, yeah, Mr. Yale freakin' English.
Justin: You know what really baffles my ass? I'm the one who's killing myself. And you, you already got everything you want. You got your stupid little motorcycle shop, you're married to this perfect woman, and it's just Man, go figure.
Griffin: Yeah, well, it's not all it's cracked up to be, all right? I've got overhead, I've got long hours, and I'm living in a shed. You know, Harvard's a piece of cake compared to the real world, pal.
Justin: Yale!
Griffin: Yale schmale, man! Don't come crying on my shoulder. You're the one that's got it easy.
Justin: Oh, oh, you think you got it rough? Whoo-hoo. I was valedictorian at Grant. You know that? And then I go to Yale and, hello! All of a sudden I'm failing English lit. English lit! It's like all of a sudden I'm stupid or something. Oh, and the people there. Oh, my God. My roommate He's this Thurston Howell turd wannabe. First day he starts off by unpacking his collection of Brandy snifters. And he's telling me all about his Polo scores, and I'm like, "whatever!" It sucks. Ok? It blows! Ok? Ok?!
Griffin: Uh, ok, yeah. No, man, whatever. You yeah, you win.
Justin: Is there any more of this stuff?
Griffin: Oh, yeah. Hey, the next one's on me, bro.

Annie: You're the oldest twenty-year old I know.
Bailey: Actually, I'm nineteen.

Empty Shoes [4.12]

Julia: What about Owen? Should I call a doctor or something?
Charlie: Which color food is it now?
Julia: What? He's done this before?
Charlie: Yeah, when Bailey went to college last year he wouldn't eat anything that wasn't green. It means he's a little freaked by what's going on.
Julia: Yeah, well this year it's white.
Charlie: Well, then my advice is cook white food.

Bailey: He's eating popcorn for breakfast?
Julia: Hey, it's white!

Charlie: C'mon back. I'll throw up on both of you.

Bailey: How am I supposed to run this place without waiters?
Waitress: John Dory's a fish.
Bailey: Well, how am I supposed to run this place without fish?

Bailey: That restaurant needs you Charlie. Everyone there is like, "How can we radiate him faster. Can we pop him in the microwave or something?"

Parent Trap [4.13]

Owen: Damn! Damn! Damn! You owe me money.
Julia: Owen. What?
Griffin: It's 7:30, where the hell have you been?
Julia: I've been working. What is Owen yelling?
Claudia: Damn, you owe me money, damn.
Griffin: He's been at the shop with me.
Julia: With all that stuff is like toxic and dangerous.
Griffin: It beats leaving him here alone.
Julia: Claudia!
Claudia: Hey, I never said I'd babysit.
Owen: Damn! Damn!
Julia: Owen, stop it! Look, he's covered in grease, did you think about giving him a bath?
Griffin: That's my job too?
Julia: Hey, I was working.
Griffin: Well, I should have been working, not watching your little brother.
Julia: Has he eaten yet?
Griffin: I don't know. Did you bring home some dinner?
Julia: There's chicken in the fridge.
Griffin: Well, what do you want me to do? Cook it?
Julia: Yes.
Griffin: No! That's not the way it works, I'm working, I'm not coming home to cooking, cleaning and screaming kids!
Owen: Damn, you owe me money, damn.

Of Human Bonding [4.14]

Charlie: Julia, when I'm in that bed I'm either waiting to get well or waiting to die. I'm not living. I'm just.....waiting.

Sarah: I'm the honest virgin and you're the lying, stinking, creepo virgin.

Here and Now [4.15]

Claudia: The only thing that matters. The only thing that's real is the Here and Now. No matter how much you love something or how much you take it for granted, nothing lasts forever.

Elliot: [to Sarah] It's not that simple. Because I wasn't sure. I didn't want it to be true. When I realized how I felt about you I thought you were my salvation or something. I thought, if I could love this woman that would make it all go away.

Sarah: Wow, I just don't get men, like, at all.
Elliot: Yeah? Welcome to the club.

Kevin: I feel like a groundhog. If I see my shadow that means six more weeks of radiation.

I Give Up [4.16]

Professor: If you want to stay enrolled at this college, you have to get this paper done and you have to get it done right away, or...
Bailey: Actually, what I have to do? I have to go to the hospital right now because my brother's there with pneumonia. And then I have to cover for him at his work. Then I have to go to a parent conference at my little brother's daycare, 'cause he doesn't have any parents. And then after that I have to go to my other job -- the one that actually pays my rent. So, you'll get the paper when you get it, OK? That's the best I can do.

Bailey: The doc says you're doin' much better and what you really need now is some high-quality REM sleep, and then...
Charlie: Then what? I'll only have cancer? ... Just let me be OK with 'whatever happens is gonna happen.' It's so much better that way. If I get better, I get better -- that's great. If I die, I die -- that's not so great. But, you know what -- it's there. So please, just let me stop pretending that it's not.

Paul: [about her spending time with Charlie] I don't want your apology Kirsten. I just want your.....I just want you.
Kirsten: You can't tell me you're jealous?!
Paul: I can't? Are you kidding? How many times have you been near or at an altar with this man?

Charlie: I've gotta be okay with whatever happens to me. But you guys - I want to know that you're gonna be okay. It's not like I've spent enough time thinking about how I'm gonna live through this. I've also got to spend some time figuring out how I'm gonna die.

Bailey: I'm really tired of being the guy who sweat, bring it on. I can handle it. I can handle everything. Because you know what? I can't. I can't handle everything. It's easier to just....not.

Of Sound Mind and Body [4.17]

Social Worker: Is there a plan in place if Charlie doesn't recover?
Bailey: Hey, he's gonna get better.
Julia: He really is.
Social Worker: I'm sorry, but you don't know that. I know you don't want to hear this, but I believe these kids are being neglected.
Bailey: But that's...come on. It's not like they're living on the street, or they're not eating.
Social Worker: No, but frankly, I think the two of you are in way over your heads, and look at the cost. You've got a 15-year-old who practically dropped out at school, and nobody noticed! That's neglect. And as far as I can tell, she's the one who ends up looking after Owen a lot of the time. Now, this is a girl who has not yet demonstrated that she can take care of herself, let alone a 4-year-old. And does anybody make time for that little boy, or is it just about shuttling him to and from daycare? Because that's also neglect.
Julia: Look, we're really trying.
Social Worker: You know what I see? I see a family that is one step away from complete disaster, and I will not let that happen.

Claudia: I don't have anybody.
Julia: What?
Claudia: You've got Griffin. Bailey has Annie. I don't have anybody.

Julia: [to Social worker] I know how to do this. I had a really good mother.

Kirsten: [to Charlie] You know Paul's a good man, right? ... He just never wanted any of his own. ... I wanted to be able to do this for you.

Bailey: Mr. Optimism here is working on his will. Just so you know - I was about to say, dibs on Owen; you can have Claudia.

True or False [4.18]

Julia: I guess I just sometimes wish I went to college, that's all.
Griffin: Instead of what?

Go Away [4.19]

Bailey: [at 3:00 a.m.] Wrong number. My heart is pounding.
Julia: God, phone calls in the middle of the night, huh?
Charlie: Phones used to ring all the time in the middle of the night. It just meant Dad was hung up at the restaurant or Mom's car battery died after rehearsal, that's all. 'Til that night. Some police officer, Sergeant Dubrowsky. Darrell Dubrowsky, saying "There's been an accident, son." Saying it real slow. Saying it twice. March 22, 1994, at 11:45. That's when phone calls in the middle of the night stopped being nothing. And nothing's ever been nothing since, you know? You don't see your brother when you pull up to daycare -- he's been kidnapped. Your sister gets home late from a music lesson -- she got hit by a bus. Doctor tells you your test results turned up an irregularity -- you're gonna die. I guess that's the way life works, you know? I know that now.
Julia: Charlie.
Bailey: Come on, man -- don't do this to yourself.
Charlie: Did I do it to myself? I don't know, Bay. For 24 years I believed that everything always turned out OK. And then March 22, 1994 happened, and now I don't.

Annie: [to Sarah] There are good answers for people who have money, and there are good answers for people who have people to take care of them, but there are no good answers for me.

Bailey: Why do I feel like I did something wrong?
Julia: 'Cause that's you, Bay.
Bailey: Why? Why is that me? Because I wasn't always like this, Jul. You remember, when I was, like, 15 years old? I was getting in trouble all the time, blowing off my curfew...
Julia: Well, that's just being a kid. You were a kid.
Bailey: Right. And then they died. They checked out and the next day I was, I was this adult. I went from being 15 one day to 45 the next.

Charlie: [to Bailey & Julia at the cabin] I don't wanna play any more games, OK? I'm not some little kid who's afraid of the dark. I mean, I wish, I wish, I wish that's all there was to be afraid of. Wouldn't that be simple?

Claudia: That's exactly what everyone said when Mom and Dad left. "Try to get back to normal Claudia." So I tried that, I really tried. And I was getting pretty good at it. But that's it, I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not going to try to be okay with people leaving me ever again.

Bailey: What kind of nimrod calls a food product "gorp"? Is that supposed to be appetizing? I might as well name it "zard" or "quiff". How bout "barf" could be a better name than-- Hey! Charlie.

Square One (1) [4.20]

Daphne: So, you beat the big C! I mean, now what? Join the Peace Corps? Shave your head?
Charlie: Well, I thought I'd do another load of whites.

Free and Clear (2) [4.22]

Griffin: [to Julia] God, what was this whole year -- was this an experiment for you? 'Cause that's what it feels like. Like you've just been slumming around for a whole year. Got a couple of jobs, a marriage. And if that doesn't work out, you can always go back to school, 'cause that's what everyone thought you were gonna do anyway.... I'm not lucky like you, Julia. This is it for me.

Opposites Distract [4.22]

Julia: [about Griffin] It feels bad coming home to an empty house. Except it feels empty even when he's here.
Justin: Well, I guess you gotta decide which feels less bad.

Charlie: What the devil have I done with my slippers?
Daphne: Here are your slippers! And there, take your slippers and may never a day's luck with them.
Charlie: What on earth?! What did you throw those slippers at me for?

Bailey: Are you finding this really sad?
Sarah: You mean Charlie's acting?

Charlie's Review: A word to Charlie Salinger, who according to the program is making his stage debut -- if you have a day job, sir, I beg you not to quit it. And if you don't have one, please get one immediately.

Julia: [to Charlie, about Daphne] That's who you're going to for career advice? Someone whose main source of income is taking their clothes off?

Bailey: It's like we jumped into bed so we wouldn't have to talk, you know?
Sarah: I'll take your word for it.

Fools Rush In [4.23]

Griffin: [to Julia] I'm such a sap... You say you wanna be with me and I start doing cartwheels down the beach.

Charlie: You have an unusual occupation, Daphne. They are curious.
Daphne: Like people are curious about mad cow disease... I want you to let them know that I have other incredible qualities besides being able to unsnap my bra with my teeth.

Grocery clerk: Just not your day, huh?
Griffin: It's not my decade.

Fools Rush Out [4.24]

Jay: [trying to figure out why Bailey asked Annie to marry him] Was it because you knew, all of a sudden, that you couldn't live without her? Was that it? Did you wake up one day and realize that the biggest mistake of your life was letting her go? Did you just realize that you would give up everything you have... everything, just for a shot at getting her back? Because if that's what it is, then I apologize. If you love her that much, then I'm way off base. I just hope that you really want this. Because if you don't, if you don't love her that much, then what you're doing here, you're trying to take away a wife and a daughter from someone who does.

Annie: [to Bailey] And all I do it just run it over and over: Natalie and Jay and you, and the drinking and Oakland, and you. And there's all these reasons on one side, and on the other side, there's just you.

Griffin: [to Julia] This is real life. Having to make hard decisions, and compromising what each other wants, and trying not hurt each other. That's what our whole life together's been about. It doesn't mean that we don't love each other, it just means that maybe we shouldn't live with each other. It's this weekend, I saw that you were so happy. I was thinking, what is it that I can give you that would make you that happy in real life. And the one thing I could think of was to let you go off and be on your own. I could give you that.

Sarah: [to Bailey] It's no big deal. I mean it's what it was always, pretty much. I love you. That's all.

Charlie: [to Kirsten] I want you to love him.... 'Cause I know how incredible that feels to have you in my life, and I want him to have that too.

Season 5


Moving On [5.01]

Julia: I keep noticing that my ring is gone... see, there's a line where it used to be.
Griffin: Just wait, it'll go away.

Daphne: Do you know why I said yes to you Charlie when you asked me to have this baby? It was you. It was this look in your eyes. It was how badly you wanted it and how badly I wanted to give it to you.

Dr. Bob: I think it's time you got yourself a grown-up doctor. A regular GP, someone who deals more with the issues a man your age can face.
Bailey: My age? But what if I don't wanna? What if I like you, Dr. Bob?
Dr. Bob: Have a lolly.

Griffin: [to Julia] Don't get too smart. I barely know what you're saying already.

Separation Anxiety [5.02]

Sarah: Dad I really need you guys to be together.
Mr. Reeves: Sarah, I wish you could hear how selfish you sound right now. We've all lost. I lost you, I lost what I thought was a good marriage. Your mother lost something too. None of us has a family anymore. You want this to e all about you. Honey, people change and people grow. You grow too, okay?

Daphne: I thought I could just walk away. But no matter how far away I walk, the baby's still there.

Sarah: You take a snapshot of your life the last time you leave someplace, and, I don't know, it's dumb, but you think it's never gonna change.
Bailey: You figured you could go back any night at eleven and they'd be watching Nightline.
Sarah: Yeah, you get this.
Bailey: I've got snapshots too, with parents in them.

Charlie: I know how much you like to whip out the checkbook, Bay, and be everybody's fixer, but you can't fix this one, OK? I gotta show the court that I can support my baby. Me. Not by little brother or anybody else.

Julia: What do they do at a Kiwanis meeting anyways?
Bailey: Sacrifice a virgin for all I know.

Naming Names [5.03]

Bailey: You're in serious trouble, man.
Charlie: Why? How do you figure?
Bailey: Well, there's gonna come a day when she walks through the door four hours after her curfew and she's got a hickey on her neck the size of a baseball and she declares her undying love for a guy who's got a tattoo on his bicep that reads 'Born Dead' - a guy named Meat, and that's not even his nickname. Man, I should just start saving for your bail now.

Josh: It's me, it's obviously me. It's something I'm doing, or not doing. It's my overbite, or my deodorant. Whatever it is, it's okay, sometimes these things are just chemical.
Julia: Josh, it is so not you.
Josh: It's not?
Julia: It's him.
Josh: Him. Him?

Charlie: I was thinking maybe we could name her Diana.
Daphne: As in Princess?
Charlie: As in my mother.
Daphne: Oh. Wow. Well, that's gonna kinda be a problem for me, Charlie, because my next-door neighbor growing up, her name was Diana, Diana Didario, and we would call her the Italian Sub, and everytime I hear the name Diana I think of this extremely fat girl who shaved my dog because I wouldn't give her my Twinkie.

Julia: Where's Maggie?
Ned: Are you kidding? She thinks these movies are... I wanna get this right... an exploitation of women, a celebration of violence, and the ultimate proof that at the lowest common denominator, nothing gets our juices flowing like pain and cruelty.
Julia: Well, if she's gonna be *that* way about it...

A Mid-Semester's Night Dream [5.04]

Hannah: A one night stand after a couple of lousy beers and then this? God, I guess we should've thought about getting to know each other, Will, because I am, I am. It's not a rumor. I am, and it's yours, OK? It's ours.

Daphne: It's like I'm this alien pod or this receptacle, you know, and the only thing that matters is what I'm carrying.

Will: Of course, my folks have this law that if I'm not in school they withdraw all love.

Dr. Trabb: Preterm babies have a little habit of forgetting to breathe. I say this to keep you flat on your back, in bed. I say this to scare you.

The Baby [5.05]

Charlie: I didn't get to see her on her birthday. My daughter's one day old now. I can't figure out how things work, Kirsten. I mean, all this stuff with me and Daphne, all this crap that we had to get through, and the one thing that I was completely clear on, the one thing that seemed exactly right for me, was this baby...
Kirsten: Charlie.
Charlie: So now maybe that's the only thing I don't get to keep. How does that make sense?

Julia: Say something to distract me.
Ned: I'm in love with you.
Julia: Something else. Something not so complicated.

Charlie: Maybe it's like with a jury, you know? When they bring you in to tell you it's all over for you, no one looks you in the eye.

Charlie: I can't decide this. I don't know how. How do I choose? I mean, one of them I haven't met and the other I'm just starting to know, but I love 'em both. I love 'em both.

Will: Having a baby right now is gonna ruin my life. Forget having the time to figure out who I am or what I want. I'll never have the chance. Hannah has this baby and I am stuck being the person I am right this second. No college. No job. No clue. And that is not somebody ready to raise a kid.

Forgive and/or Forget [5.06]

Julia: Oh God. I'm such a waste of oxygen and nutrients and tuition.

Daphne: [to Charlie] I'm not a mother. Why did you call this baby Diana? Because that was your mother's name. And why was she your mother? Because she squeezed you out? No, it's because she loved you and because she wanted you. Because she stuck around your whole damn life and she bathed you and dressed you and raised you. And that is not me. It's just not. Someday, maybe, but not today.

Claudia: Hey look, O, it's the stooges.
Owen: I like to watch with Charlie. He laughs at all the dumb parts with me.
Claudia: Well, I can laugh at the dumb parts. I can.... Oh man, that's really dumb. But funny...

Daphne: How can I relax with half the hospital down my shirt? Okay, I get more privacy twirling pasties at a shore leave party.

Tender Age [5.07]

Paul: If it were my child, if I had to look inside a dumpster for my child, I couldn't do it.... This is the kind of ordeal that makes me feel... it says to me I could never be a father.

Bailey: I want you to know that if we were gonna have a baby, any way, at any time, then I would love that baby, and I would protect it and I would want it. I would, no matter what.

Bailey: Thank God that isn't Owen.
Sarah: It's somebody's Owen, right?

Charlie: It's easy. It's stuffed and everything. Oven on, insert bird.

Charlie: What's the rule, Owen? If we're in a big place like the mall, and you turn around and you don't see me, you stay put. Or you tell a policeman, you don't go off looking for me, that's how kids get lost.
Owen: I wasn't lost.

Love and War [5.08]

Charlie: My parents had five kids.
Daphne: Are you just realizing that now?
Charlie: Five. How did they manage that?
Daphne: They had sex a lot?

Daphne: You get a 6-minute credit. Which, actually, when you figure in my 15 minute credit from, you know, handling the spitup on your shift, that works out to be a 9-minute credit in my favor.
Charlie: You claim you can't balance a checkbook.

Charlie: Afterwards what do you say we go pick up a few chicks? Get matching tattoos.

Charlie: [singing to his baby] If that mockingbird don't mock, Daddy's gonna buy you an athletic sock.

Gifts [5.09]

Daphne: You thought that once Diana was born, that I would just have to look into that tiny little face, with your hazel eyes and my crooked chin, and that would be it, and that we would just live happily ever after. And, you know something, Charlie, deep down inside, I thought the same thing. But that is not happening. Charlie?
Charlie: She's crying.
Daphne: See, I didn't even hear her.

Charlie: You think you're gonna sacrifice your whole education, blow off a whole year's tuition, to come back here and take care of these kids?
Claudia: Yeah, well, it's not like you're doing such a bang-up job without me.

Suit salesman: What do you want people to say about you after you're dead and gone? 'That Bailey, he sure was sensible with his money,' or 'Damn, he looked good in that black cashmere suit?'

One Christmas to Go [5.10]

Claudia: Oh no. No no no, we will not, we will NOT call this off! When this family has the opportunity to sit around a table like we used to once a week? I mean, Christmas Eve, a proper Christmas Eve, means stockings, and a night before Christmas, and a cookie on the hearth for Santa, and we are going to do this one thing right, or just die trying.

Julia: Put down the remote. No more pay-per-view porno 'till we're done.
Ned: It's only soft-core, and we never would have stayed awake last night without it.
Julia: Okay, but I'm about to write Stalin into a three-way, so not now.

Daphne: A person, a parent, who doesn't love their kids, they have kids who grow up the same. And so on, and so on. And that feels bad, mom, to me. That... that feels really really bad.

Doreen: [to Daphne] I never blamed you for bein' born, so don't blame me for everything that came after.

Charlie: [to Kirsten] You're as free as a bird, but you stay anyway. So the only two people who actually wanna be here, you and Claudia, I'm like pushin' away. And everyone else, people who are supposed to be family, who actually share my daughter's blood, they can't wait to leave. It just makes me think that if you're not family, I don't know who is.

Rings of Saturn [5.11]

Daphne: Not that there is ever a right time. But is it before her eyes can focus on me? Is it before she can call me mama...? I'm afraid that I'm always gonna be the kind of mom who can and will walk away. And that's not the kind of mom that Diana needs. Diana or you. So the question is not when will I leave. The truth is, I've already left.
Charlie: Daph.
Daphne: Just do one thing for me after I go. Don't let her hate me.

Daphne: [to her daughter] Someday you'll go to New York and Paris, not that I've ever been to either, but you will. And there'll be all these French guys. But you'll know how to take care of yourself. I'm not worried about you at all. And then college is a big thing. And you're gonna be college material -- definitely. And you'll wear one of those business suits and you'll carry one of those, like pocket book/briefcase things that cost like a thousand bucks, and you'll be like a lawyer or something, yeah. And Charlie'll be so proud. Poor Charlie.

Owen: Do you think there's more cool stuff like Saturn that we could see?
Bailey: Well, yeah. There's all the other planets. There's Mars and Pluto and Goofy.
Owen: Goofy's not a planet. Goofy's a dog.
Bailey: I'm teasing you, pal.
Owen: I know. Bailey, when you find out about cool stuff, will you let me know, so we can see it together? It doesn't have to be just planets.
Bailey: I'm makin' a list already.

Sarah: I know you wanna show Owen a good time, but why can't you guys just go and do something that you know something about?
Bailey: Yeah, sure. Hey, O, you wanna go to a restaurant management seminar?
Owen: I wanna go camping.
Bailey: He wants to go camping. Even though it's winter, and it's cold, like it's gonna be wherever we go camping. And I know for a fact that the bears are gonna be hibernating and the fish are gonna be frozen into fish sticks in freezers where they belong.

Witness for the Persecution [5.12]

Charlie: I just lost it. 'Cause it, you know, hit me that I'm alone.
Julia: It's OK, Charlie. OK, she's gone. So then now you've gotta think about what's important. Diana is important, and you, your life. Charlie, God, you gotta remember -- you almost weren't here. Be important to yourself, Charlie. 'Cause, I mean, where would we be? And you're not alone. You're never alone, OK?

Sarah: [after being attacked] I look out the window, whether there's locks on them or not... and I don't see the same world anymore.

Charlie: How could a mother just walk out on her baby, Jule? ... I know it's hard to take care of people, even when you love 'em. God, do I know that! But you don't just leave.
Julia: Well, see, you don't know. Because you don't leave. That's not who you are. Daphne is Daphne, and maybe when she thinks about it, then...
Charlie: No. Daphne is gone.

Sarah: [to Bailey] If you think buying a gun is gonna make you an adult or responsible, then I don't know what happened to you or who you've become.

Charlie: Why is everyone so sure that I must be a mess without Daphne....? Over is over, and we're a family. Why cant people just accept that?
Kirsten: 'Cause we care about you.

Fillmore Street [5.13]

Julia: You're still in my life, Griffin. You live with my family, for God's sakes. And it's not fair for you to have to worry about me, when I can't... I can't worry about you anymore, I can't... worry about you anymore, Griffin... please.
Griffin: So this... this... that's it?
Julia: That's it.

Kirsten: I called Dale. She was disappointed. She tried to convince me that sometimes a stork flies over and drops a baby in a couple's lap 'cause it's meant to be. But I told her it wasn't... meant to be.
Paul: Not meant to be this way, no.
Kirsten: I think, maybe, Paul, not meant to be. Not this way or any way.

Sarah: That's all I have right now.
Bailey: All you have? What's all you have?
Sarah: My belief, Bailey. My faith in other people, in second chances, you know -- for him, for me, for everybody. That's what I have that's gonna get me back to my old self again. That's what's gonna keep me from being afraid all the time, everywhere I go. Do you want me to lose that?

Charlie: I've pretty much found the love of my life for now. This little woman, this one little woman. My baby girl. My Diana.

Ned: [to Griffin] I think you should leave all the husband/boyfriend/lover jobs to me now. Like fixing her car. Or, fixing her anything, for that matter.

Stand by Me [5.14]

Griffin: He's hitting her.
Justin: Yeah, well, of course he's hitting on her. I mean, you gotta get used to that...
Griffin: No. Julia's new boyfriend is hitting her.
Justin: Then what the hell are you doing here fixing fan belts?

Kirsten: It's like finding out that I can't have children all over again.
Charlie: Kirsten, don't.
Kirsten: Only it's worse this time. 'Cause at least before it was just nature. Now there's someone to blame.

Justin: You want me to go down there and drag her away from a guy that she wants to be with because you say he's hitting her?
Griffin: You're right. I wouldn't wanna mess up your squash game at the club...

Paul: When we didn't get on that plane for Texas you asked me to be honest. Can't you be honest with me now?
Kirsten: I love you.
Paul: I know.
Kirsten: It's over.
Paul: I know.

Julia: No, Ned, it's okay, it's my fault. I should never have lied to you and I should never have gone to that party and I should never have danced with Justin and I'm sorry.

Whatever Works [5.15]

Claudia: I don't know if you're right about Ned or not. What I do know? If Owen gets lost, or Diana needs ear-drops at three am, or I'm hooking up with some bass-playing loser... you're just there. And not for any reason, except, we need you. You're like this angel, Griffin, this guardian angel.

Bailey: Mom and dad dying took a ton away, but it also gave me something. It made me grow up really fast, and so now, I'm getting a shot at stuff that most guys have to wait for until they're twice my age. And if I pass this one up, I still have a whole extra lifetime to go after it again.

Bailey: Y'know what Owen said to me yesterday? He said that of all the dads on his team, that I'm the best, because I'm most like a kid.

Claudia: No, you don't understand. I don't want to hear what you were gonna do, okay? You were supposed to be more than this. You were supposed to be worth the fight.
Cody: What fight?
Claudia: The fight with Griffin, when he said you weren't good enough, when he said you were bascially the same kind of loser as him. 'Cause that's the thing, Cody. Griffin? He's not. He's this amazing person. No one sees how great he is. I wanted you to be that too.

Griffin: You know, uh, you're a lot better than my old man was. The only person he managed to fool was my sister.
Ned: How'd you get in here?
Griffin: My ma, she, uh, she was smart, she just took off, and me, uh, as soon as I got picking up, I just started to hit back.
Ned: Look, you're gonna have to leave now.
Griffin: You, uh, you, uh, you manage to fool everybody, huh? Justin, or her brothers, even her.
Ned: This is my dorm, moron. I mean, there's college cops like 10 feet away.
Griffin: Sit down! Now, that's the thing, the messing with her head, that's what makes me want to kill you.
Ned: You know, you're gonna be in a lot of trouble.
Griffin: You guys are done. You hear me? Cause you're not gonna hurt her anymore. And I don't care how it works, but you're done. And you're not gonna see her anymore, ever.
Ned: Actually, I am. I'm gonna see her in about 15 minutes.
Griffin: No, you're not. Cause I'm telling you, if you see her, you're gonna get hurt.
Ned: It's Valentines Day, Griffin. Like it or not. We're in love.
Griffin: Are you listening to me?
Ned: Wanna know what we're doing, on our date?
Griffin: I'm giving you a fair warning.
Ned: Strip poker, in her bedroom. I know it's not so romantic, but we did hearts and flowers yesterday.

Party of Freud [5.16]

Daphne: See, it's not... it's not that my mother abandoned me, it's that she did it when I was old enough to understand. It's like she gave me this disease, that she passed on to me, but see, I've stopped it, as of right now, I have stopped it. But if I go home, and I go in therapy, and I try to get well, and all this time I convince Diana to depend on me, and then I FAIL, then I will have given my daughter what my mother passed on to me.

Charlie: [to Daphne] So, I'm happy you got all the facts, but just so you know, from this point on you can stop blaming your mom, and start blaming yourself.

Ned: I hit... sometimes... I hit... I hit her.

fam-i-ly [5.17]

Charlie: Everything Griffin's been saying about Ned, and this whole-- Maggie says it's true. Ned used to hit her.
Bailey: You're kidding.
Charlie: I can't believe it either. I can't believe how stupid I've been.
Bailey: So, Griffin's been--
Charlie: Right. The guy's got a problem.
Bailey: You damn right, he's got a problem, so let's go. Let's go down there.
Charlie: My thought exactly.
Claudia: I'm coming too.
Charlie: No, you're not. No, stay here with Diana. Wait, wait, wait. Someone's gotta pick up Owen.
Bailey: Call Sarah, she'll do it.
Claudia: [about Ned] What are you guys gonna do?
Charlie: We're gonna talk to him.
Bailey: We're gonna kill the guy.

Julia: Who the hell do you think you are?
Charlie: Julia, please. Just get your stuff, we want to take you home.
Julia: I am not coming with you.
Bailey: Julia, pack your stuff, we'll talk about this at home.
Julia: This is my home.
Bailey: Julia, you can't lie to us about this anymore, okay? We know what's going on.
Julia: No, you don't. Like you said: I don't get a vote in your lives, you don't get a vote in mine.
Bailey: This is not about a vote, this is about keeping you safe. So just pack your stuff, and we'll talk about it later.
Julia: I don't want to talk about it later.
Charlie: Julia, please. Come on, come with us.
Julia: Ned and I are working this out, okay? He's getting help, he's seeing someone, I'm going to work this out, Charlie, I'm gonna make it work. Shocking, but true. I'm not quitting on him.
Charlie: That guy beats women! Alright? It's not your problem to work it out.
Julia: No, it is. Because he loves me.
Charlie: If he loved you, he wouldn't be hitting you.
Julia: No. No, he does love me.

Sarah: Andrew's your choice. You love him and he's gonna be family, because you chose him. You know, kind of the way that you chose me when you decided to adopt me. But it's not blood or genes or DNA, and it's also not about a license or a ceremony either. It's a choice. And I don't know, I guess, you know, maybe I've made my choice too. And the Salingers have been my choice for a very long time now.

Charlie: Julia and I are completely different, okay. Do you think five years ago if Mom and Dad had predicted where we'd be right now, that me getting some girl pregnant would have been that far off? Because I don't think so. But Julia? Do you they'd have said that she'd be married and divorced to a motorcycle mechanic all by the ripe old age of 20? And now this? I don't think so, Bailey. So go ahead and blame me. Blame me because I want my kid sister to be everything she was supposed to be. Just don't do it where I can hear you, okay?

Sarah: You know what, Charlie? I really really hate it when you say 'us' like it doesn't include me. Look, I am not his babysitter just because he and I aren't married or something, and you of all people should know that.

Driven to Extremes [5.18]

Griffin: The only person that can help Julia now is Julia. That's it. That's the truth. She's gotta make up her own mind that this is gonna stop, or else...
Claudia: Or else what? He just keeps hitting her? Is that what you're saying?

Julia: You know what, Griffin? This whole pathetic little kidnapping fantasy of yours is over, so you don't get to tell me what to do anymore.
Griffin: Since when have I ever told YOU what to do? You've been marching me around since the day we first met.
Julia: That is not true!
Griffin: You wanted us to move into the shed, you wanted me to sell my shop, you wanted to go back to school. And everytime I said 'Whatever you want, Jule,' like an idiot, thinking maybe... But, it looks like all you ever really wanted was someone to beat the selfishness right out of you.

Julia: I thought it was him and me against everything else, everything that ever hurt me. My last year at home, my breakup with Griffin, even my mom and dad. I thought if I chose him and I pushed away everyone else and I lost myself in us that I'd be safe from all the bad stuff. And that I'd be making this really great and safe thing with him. But all I really did was lose myself.

Griffin: You're right. I don't have a life. I HAD a life. With you. But I gave that up so you could have what you wanted. So how do you think that makes me feel, Jule, to find out that you wanted this... to know that you'd rather be with some guy that hits you than be with me?

Coleman: You're asking a judge to take your little brother out of a sober hard-working home and place him with an alcoholic single with a record.
Bailey: Single? No, I have a girlfriend you lives with me.
Coleman: Oh, make that an alcoholic shacking up with a young girl. The court will think you're a terrific role model for a five year old.

Judgment Day [5.19]

Dr Kessel: Ned, you're gonna have to hear a few things. Julia asked me to come here as her doctor because she's afraid that you might--
Julia: No, uh, let me. Everybody knows, Ned. I called the school, and I called the police and they know you hit me, and they know you hit Maggie. And--And so you're gonna be watched, and, um if you come near me or call me or contact me, you're gonna be charged with assault.
Ned: Julia--
Julia: And I've also called your parents.
Ned: What? My parents? Wh--
Julia: So they can follow up and make sure you get help. 'Cause you're gonna get treatment, Ned, and you're gonna stay there with Dr. Kessel or whoever-- I don't care.
Ned: Wait. Julia, wh-- why? I thought that we were--
Julia: [to Ned] No. Ned, you know what? I'm sick of your lies and I'm sick of your games, and you're not my friend. And I would just walk away from you, except I saw you with this other woman. And I can't let it happen again.

Charlie: [to Owen] It means that you love someone so much that you put them first, in front of everything, including yourself... If there's something that I can do to make you happy, even if you're scared it's gonna make me sad, I want you to tell me, OK? 'Cause then I'd know how to show you. I'd thank you for that. I'd never be mad. Understand?

Claudia: You convinced us that this was right. You said that even if Owen gets scared or Charlie gets angry that Owen needs you, Bailey. You were right. He does.

Charlie: You've all said enough. I mean, yeah - I hated to give up all of that stuff - the designing, Seattle, a million different things. But I did it. I gave it up and I stayed in that house and I did the best that I could. And now, the first really good thing that comes along, the first thing for me, that I actually take - my little girl - and you wanna punish me for it. Why? Because I actually wanted a life for myself?
Claudia: Charlie, no one is saying...
Charlie: And you don't realize that you guys are all I've got now. Everything else I let go. So this - all of you turning on me like this - it's not just Owen you're taking away.

Judge: [to Bailey and Charlie] We're not gonna get anywhere if you two can't curb the testosterone.

The Wish [5.20]

Claudia: Men, forget it - their species cannot be trusted.
Sarah: Oh, come on, girlfriend, sit down. We gotta talk.

Griffin: [after they kiss] Can we just think?
Julia: Why do we have to think?
Griffin: Because we can't make another mistake.

Claudia: The entire ice-hockey team is crashing my party tonight.
Sarah: And that would be a bad thing?
Claudia: Sarah, they're like these cool guys with actual shoulders. These men on skates with sticks that they whack at eachother when they're not, like, throwing each other into walls.

Julia: Thank you, Griffin. Just.. thank you. I've been wanting to say that for such a long time.

Get Back [5.21]

Griffin: Y'know, ever since I first met her, I always thought, 'Man, I hope I don't mess this up.' 'Cause that's what I do. I mess stuff up. But you what I never thought? I never thought that I hope this doesn't mess ME up.

Julia: [about Ned] Even when I was alone, or with someone else, he was always there, y'know. Just always there, like the air or something. And now that I know that he's really gone, it's like... it sounds so dumb... it's actually harder to breathe.

Bailey: It's really starting to seem like every sentence I hear starts with, 'You should," or, 'You better,' or 'You have to,' and I... it doesn't make sense for me to complain about it because everything that I have I've asked for. But if I could just find five seconds where nobody needed anything from me...

Bailey: You and Griffin?
Julia: If you have anything to say other than 'Wow, Jule, that's great,' I don't want to hear it.
Bailey: Wow, Jule, that's great.

Claudia: She likes you Charlie, but she thinks that you don't like her back. Now who's gonna stick around for that?
Charlie: Okay, if that's how she felt, which I'm sure it's not, why would she keep it a secret?
Claudia: I dunno. But if you felt that way about her, why would you keep it a secret?

Fragile [5.22]

Julia: I was here for the book signing earlier, and I left my copy of Perry Marks's book. Actually, I left it with her, I'm kind of a friend, and I was wondering if you had any more copies, I'd like to get one.
Book Store Lady: Aisle nine, new section, lesbian feminist writers.
Julia: Lesbian writers?
Book Store Lady: Guess you're not a close friend, are you?

Claudia: It must be hard to be mom. All those things you have to remember to tell your kids. Stuff that's hard to talk about, and they don't listen.
Sarah: You're welcome.

Lauren: Grownups. Sometimes I think there's no such thing.

I'll Show You Mine [5.23]

Perry: [to Julia] I know that you've had some bad times with men, but that's not me. I'm not gay because I don't like men. I'm gay because I like women.

Charlie: [to Kirsten] Correct me if I'm wrong, but in the not too distant past you had worked four years undergrad and three years into a Ph.D. for this. And I'm the reason that that went to waste. And I'm not gonna make that mistake again.

Julia: [to Perry] What I wanna know is why I'm like this walking target for drooling jerks. I mean, he could have grabbed you. And he didn't, and you know why? 'Cause you, like, exude 'Don't mess with me.'

Bailey: [about Kirsten] Do you love her?
Charlie: Of course I do.
Bailey: Is she having any doubts?
Charlie: No.
Bailey: Then how can it be too risky jumping into a relationship that you both want?

Haunted [5.24]

Julia: Whoah whoah whoah, Josh, you have just said ten...ten supportive things to me in a row. Why are still so nice to me?
Josh: You really want to know? It's research, for a story I'm writing.
Julia: Oh.
Josh: Yeah, it's about this guy... sort of unprepossessing, neurotic, but in a good way, guy, who's got a problem.
Julia: Other than being neurotic?
Josh: Yeah. See, there's this woman. This mysterious, haunted, beautiful...
Julia: Okay.
Josh: ...and he just can't stop asking her out, no matter how many time she says no. So my being nice to you is pure research.

Charlie: You gotta hear this, okay, 'cause Kirsten and me - we're together. And that's changed too many times and it's not changing anymore.

Sarah: Is that who I am? Sort of a mother, but not really. Maybe a wife, but not quite. I mean, is that me? 'Cause I don't know. Y'know, maybe I'm running away from that, maybe I'm afraid to feel happy in that role because I'm nineteen and I feel like I should want more for myself. Bailey, maybe I can't write this essay because I know exactly who I am, and I'm just afraid to say it out loud.

Julia: Each guy I've been with has sort of been the answer to the one who came before. It wasn't me choosing so much as ricocheting.

Julia: [to Perry] I love the way I feel when I'm with you, y'know. I love talking to you, and writing with you... even arguing with you has had its moments.

Otherwise Engaged [5.25]

Charlie: I'm gonna need a best man, someone I totally trust.
Bailey: Best man. Charlie, don't do it, don't do that. I'll drive you nuts. We'll be at each other's throats.
Charlie: Bailey, listen to me, I know what I want, all right. I want the perfect wedding. I want to walk down that aisle and I want to know someone who cares, like, way too much made sure that there's not one doily out of place. Now, who else can give me that besides you?

Sarah: [to Bailey] I love you, so much. I really do. But I'm 19, and in college, and for me that means trying stuff out, like making mistakes. But mistakes where I can take an incomplete if things aren't working out, not mistakes where other people's lives are riding on what I choose.

Kirsten: I know what your feelings are, Charlie. I guess, sometimes I forget, maybe. But I've always known. So next year... tomorrow... I will marry you, whenever you want.

Justin: [to Julia] Oh, okay, I guess this blatant disregard for me is some form of affection? Like the way you treat a sibling, or a... dog?

Claudia: It's like you were never a kid. 'Cause if you were you'd remember that when someone said they're worried, it doesn't sound like 'I love you,' it sounds like 'I don't trust you,' which frankly, I just don't want to hear.

Season 6


Don't Let Go [6.01]

[Charlie and Kirsten arrive at the airport to meet her parents]'
Charlie: Did they say something?
Kirsten: No. I mean, nothing new. I mean, you know how he's felt since I got sick.
Charlie: Yeah, but that was three years ago.
Kirsten: Right. He knows that. And he promised he wouldn't bring it up.
Charlie: He had to promise? What did he have to promise not to say?
[they reach them]
Kirsten: Daddy! Mommy!
Ellie Bennett: Oh, sweetheart! Oh, [giggles] will you look at you. You are glowing. Will you look at her, Gene? Is she not lit from within?
[they hug]
Gene Bennett: She's lit.
Ellie Bennett: Hello, Charlie.
Charlie: Good to see you.
Ellie Bennett: [they hug] You, too. Gene?
Gene Bennett: Charlie.
[they shake hands]
Ellie Bennett: Well, [laughs] this is a happy occasion, isn't it? Gene. Gene?
Kirsten: Oh, why don't we go get the baggage? Um, because we're parked in a read zone, So you know what? We, um... Better move it.
[she takes her father to get the baggage]
Gene Bennett: Uh-oh. Okay.
Ellie Bennett: [to Charlie] He's a little bit off. You see, that airline beef bourguignon just kind of bogs him down. But he just finished saying how happy he is.

Minister: We are gathered here today to celebrate one of life's greatest moments. To add our best hopes to the words that unite these two in marriage, and to joyously serve as witnesses...
Charlie: I, Charlie, take you, Kirsten, to be my wife. To have and to hold, in sickness and in health...for richer or for poorer,
Kirsten: joy and in sorrow. I promise to love, honor, and cherish you for as long as we both shall live.
Minister: ...our love for each other. By these vows, the joining of your hands and the giving of these rings... I now declare you to be husband and wife. Congratulations.
[crowd cheers]
Charlie: [they kiss while band plays music, guests applaud and cheer] Down the aisle. Down the aisle.

Naked [6.02]


Bye, Bye, Love [6.03]

Bailey: I understand why you're going.
Sarah: Bailey, you don't have to...
Bailey: But even if I didn't, you want this, and I would never stand in the way of something that you wanted, ever.
Sarah: You know what, why don't you come with me? The flight's not full.
Bailey: I can't. I can't, I've got Owen at home, and the restaurant. Anyway, you need to take this trip alone. I mean, that's part of the point, right? Say hello to your father for me.
[she starts weeping]
Bailey: Hey, hey, no. Don't you be sad. You should smile. Smile. You show that to your father. If there's a heart in the man's chest, you will own it. Believe me.
[final boarding call to the flight]
Sarah: All right. It's only five days, and I will call you every minute till then.
Bailey: You find what you're looking for, Sarah. Whatever it takes, I'll be right here. I love you, you know that.
[they hug each other and kiss]
Sarah: I know it. I love you, too.
Bailey: Goodbye.

Wrestling Demons [6.04]

Charlie: Hey.
Kirsten: Hi.
Charlie: What are you doing out here?
Kirsten: Just thinking... It's just... I know that I would be happy with any baby we shared. I know that. But I have this dream, this fantasy... Where we have a baby who has your eyes, and my nose, your laugh... [both chuckle] And cries like me. Well, it's just a dream. The reality... is... Remember when I was sick? Cause the funny thing is... I mostly don't. I know you do. I know that in some ways that it was harder on you than it was on me. And I know that I can dream about all kinds of things... But that's what's real.

[Bailey plays Sarah's message in the machine]
Sarah: God, there are all these wild, surreal things going on, and all these new people. And I would have called sooner, but it's been sort of insane, you know? But... But not in a bad way. In kind of a good way, really. I mean, you'd probably hate it, but... Anyway, I'm sorry that I keep missing you, I'll call later, okay? I love you.
[Bailey rewinds the message]
Sarah: I'm sorry that I keep missing you. I'll call later, okay? I love you.
[saddened, rewinds again]
Sarah: ... missing you, I'll call later, okay? I love you.

[Charlie arrives home after Owen's party and checking on Julia's minor injury in the hospital while Kirsten welcomes him]
Kirsten: Hey.
Charlie: Hey.
Kirsten: Is Julia okay?
Charlie: Yeah, she's fine. It was just a minor sprain.
Kirsten: Was Owen mad that I left early?
Charlie: No, no, he's fine. You know I, uh, I realized tonight that, um, I come from a really big family.
Kirsten: You just realized that?
Charlie: No, not exactly, but... I forget sometimes, you know, Just how lucky I am.
Kirsten: Charlie...
Charlie: I was just thinking. I don't want Diana to miss out on that because... I was afraid.
Kirsten: Look, don't do this to me if...
Charlie: I'm not. I'm not. If having a baby like this is what you want, and you're ready for the risks, I'm ready, too.

The Shortest Distance [6.05]

[Claudia, Julia and Griffin are having breakfast in the dinning room]
Claudia: I know that they were having problems, but to do it over the phone... It seems kind of cold.
Griffin: Hey, you mind if I grab one of these muffins? Everything in my refrigerator at home tastes like beer.
Julia Salinger: [to Griffin] Go for it. [to Claudia] I just don't know if we should judge her, Claud.
Griffin: Judge who?
Julia: Sarah's staying in New York.
Griffin: What, for how long? Couple more weeks?
Claudia: Indefinitely. I mean, she might not be coming home.
Griffin: So that's it, she's just gone?
Will: [Will enters the room] Hey, blueberry muffins. Anybody mind? My parents charge me for breakfast now. Somebody say somebody's gone? Who's gone?
Julia: Sarah's staying in New York. She's not coming back.
Will: What? You mean like permanently?
Julia: Could be.
Will: Oh, man. Is Bailey freaking?
Claudia: Hard to tell. He's been up in his room ever since he told us... Packing Sarah's stuff.

[Will and Griffin enter the station where Bailey is checking the map of the country]
Griffin: Look, we were talking, and... We're thinking that...
Will: We changed our minds. We wanna keep going.
Griffin: Hit the Big Apple with you.
Will: Go the distance, all right?
Bailey: You guys know how far we still have to go? Through, like... Eight or nine more states. We've just been through three, and already... We've broken down... Fighting... We've had all these problems, and there's... That still leaves eight. Sarah is so far away. She's so far away.

Too Close [6.06]


We Gather Together [6.07]

Joe Mangus: Alright, so we got Charlie, Kirsten, Julia, Claude, Owen, Diana, you, me...
Bailey: Well, remember when it was Salinger party of five?

Faith, Hope and Charity [6.08]

[Kirsten brings a cupcake to Charlie, outside the hospital]
Kirsten: Happy Birthday.
Charlie: Yeah. You know, I was looking at Griffin lying there, lying in that bed. Not too long ago, that was me.
Kirsten: I remember.
Charlie: And I promised myself that if I ever got out of there alive, I wasn't gonna waste time on the stuff that doesn't matter. I'm gonna quit teaching, Kirsten.
Kirsten: Charlie...
Charlie: Yeah, the factory pays more, and we need that money.
Kirsten: Yeah, but you... you love the teaching better.
Charlie: That's not what matters now. What matters the most to me right now is making this baby. The rest of it... It'll come in time. Stuff I always dreamed about, the designing stuff, it'll come.
Kirsten: Are you sure?
Charlie: Yeah. The funny thing is, I am. There's just been so many times that... I mean, when Mom and Dad died and I had to put my whole life on hold. When you went away, when I got sick... I kept just having to trust fate, you know? And if I just held on, the things that I wanted would come back to me. And they always did. And they will again. If I just hold on, they will again.

Julia: [at the hospital] How you feeling?
Griffin: I've been better. How's Daphne?
Julia: She's fine.
Griffin: Have you been here all night? Isn't there some place that...
Julia: No, I... I wanted to stay here.
[he coughs]
Julia: They, um... they had to do some surgery on your hand, so...
Griffin: It hurts like hell.
Julia: I'll get the nurse.
Griffin: No, Julia. No, just... Just tell me, am I gonna be okay?
Julia: Yeah, you're gonna be great.
Griffin: Just tell me, okay?
Julia: Well, the doctor... there was... a hand surgeon. She's... she's really helpful. But I mean, this place is the best in the city for this kind of thing, so...
Griffin: So, they don't know?

Ties That Bind [6.09]


Dog Day After New Year [6.10]


Fear and Loathing [6.11]

[Julia and Claudia are waiting for a cab under the falling snow]
Claudia: Jul?
Julia: Yeah?
Claudia: Can I ask you something?
Julia: Of course.
Claudia: [inhales] After Ned... did it take you a long time before you felt like you could really trust someone?
Julia: Yeah, it did.
Claudia: That's the thing. I feel like... I don't really know anyone. You know? I think I do, but I can't really trust my feelings. You know what I mean?
Julia: I know. [inhales deeply] You want to tell me what happened?
Claudia: Yeah. There was this boy, this very friendly boy, like I thought Derek was. Anyway, the first day he showed me all the cool stuff that wasn't on the regular tour...
[a cab arrives and they enter there while Claudia keeps telling what happened]

Bad Behavior [6.12]

Victor: You know some people like DC and some like Marvel?
Owen: I like both.

Bailey: I'm sorry, I've been kinda AWOL, but there's been some stuff going on, since Sarah left. Which was kinda distracting to me.

The Declaration of Co-Dependence [6.13]


One for the Road [6.14]


What If ... [6.15]


Blast from the Past [6.16]


Getting There [6.17]


Too Cool for School [6.18]


Isn't It Romantic [6.19]

Ned: I saw someone after we broke up. Miranda. We went out six months. But after she told people about us, about me, I spent-- I spent two weeks in jail. And the judge, he practically spat at me, reading my sentence. You know, I know I have problems, I know that. But I wasn't lying to you, I am actually trying. I saw a doctor, I'm seeing a doctor, and I made a promise. I'm not gonna be with anyone. Anyone. Until I know, she's safe. What's it gonna take? How long till people stop looking at me like that?
Julia: I don't know.
Ned: I just-- I just wanna feel human.
Julia: That's not up to me, Ned.
Griffin: What's going on?
Julia: Griffin.
Griffin: What's going on? Did you let him in here?
Julia: It's none of your business. Okay?
Griffin: What's the matter with you?
Julia: Griffin, would you leave, please?
Griffin: Get outta here!
Ned: It's okay.
Griffin: Get going!
Ned: I'm leaving.

Great Expectations [6.20]

[Will and Holly are getting married, with Bailey as a witness]
Judge Issacs: Marriage, as we know, is a venerable, auspicious institution laden with joy and promise. But it is also a solemn ordinance, not to be entered into frivolously or deceptively without the assurance of deep, ardent love and commitment. Now, do you young people have anything that you would like to say before we continue?
[they stare at each other, silent]
Judge Issacs: A poem to read? A thought? [to Will] Young man?
Will: [to Holly] You look nice.
Holly Marie Beggins: Thank you.
Judge Issacs: Well, then...

Taboo or Not Taboo [6.21]


Falling Forward [6.22]


All's Well... (1) [6.23]


...That Ends Well (2) [6.24]

Charlie: We throw Owen a bone. We name the baby Stuart, but we give him "Nick" as a middle name, so that's what we'll call him S. Nicholas Salinger.
Julia: Aren't you worried people are gonna call him "Snick"? "Snick Salinger"?


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