Glee (Season 1)

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Glee is an American musical comedy-drama television series airing on Fox. It was created by Ryan Murphy, Brad Falchuk, and Ian Brennan. The pilot episode of the show was broadcast on May 19, 2009, and the rest of the season began on September 9, 2009. Fox initially ordered thirteen episodes of Glee, picking the show up for a full season on September 21, 2009, ordering nine more episodes. The remainder of the first season aired for nine consecutive weeks starting on April 13, 2010 and ending on June 8, 2010, when the season finale was broadcast. The series completed its fifth season on May 13, 2014, and began its sixth and final season on January 9, 2015

Season 1

Pilot [1.01]

Sue: High school is a caste system. Kids fall into certain slots. Your jocks and your popular kids up in the penthouse. The invisibles and the kids playing live-action out in the forest: bottom floor.

Will: And... where do the Glee kids lie?

Sue: Subbasement.

Rachel: You might laugh because every time I sign my name, I put a gold star after it. But it's a metaphor. And metaphors are important. My gold stars are a metaphor. For me. Being a star.

Rachel: Now-a-days being anonymous is worse than being poor. Fame is the most important thing in our culture now. And if there is one thing I've learned it is that no one is just going to hand it to you.

Rachel: Mr. Schuester, do you have any idea how ridiculous it is to give the lead solo in "Sit Down You're Rockin' the Boat" to a boy in a wheelchair?

Artie: I think Mr. Schuester is using irony to enhance the performance.

Rachel: There is nothing ironic about show choir!

Rachel: Being part of something special makes you special, right?

Showmance [1.02]

Sue: [to Will] So here's the deal. You do with your depressing little group of kids what I did with my wealthy elderly mother: Euthanize it. It's their time.

Sue: Let me be the one to break the silence. That was the most offensive thing I've seen in twenty years of teaching. And that includes an elementary school production of Hair.

Rachel: So, why did you ask me to help you?

Finn: 'Cause it's the only way I'm gonna be good...like you.

Rachel: You think I'm good?

Finn: Yeah. I mean when we first met I thought you were intimidating, and that you talk way more than you should. I even looked under my bed to see if you were hiding there. [Sees Rachel is upset by this] But then I heard you sing. I don't know how to explain it, but it touched me... here. [puts his hand on his heart but, mistakenly puts it on his right side of his chest]

Rachel: Your heart is on this side of your chest [places her hand on Finn's and moves it to the left side of his chest. They look at each other]

Finn: It's beating really fast.

Rachel: Do you want a drink?

Finn: Yeah.

[Rachel takes two plastic cups, and pours the drinks]

Rachel: Virgin Cosmos

Finn: I like the cups. Like airplane cups all airplane like.

[They stop drinking. Finn notices some of the Cosmo on Rachel's lip.]

Finn You've got a little Virgin Cosmo...[Finn wipes the drink away from Rachel's lip]

Rachel: You know, you can kiss me again, if you want to.

Finn I want to.

[They kiss]

Puck: [about the Cheerios] Those skirts are crunchy toast! Santana Lopez bent over in hers the other day, and I swear I could see her ovaries.

Rachel: [about vomiting to lose weight] I tried but I guess I just don't have a gag reflex.

Emma: One day, when you're older, that'll turn out to be a gift.

Acafellas [1.03]

Finn: It's nutty in there. I tried to talk sense into Rachel, but she's gone all chick batty.

Kurt: OK, stop it right there, Mercedes. We are in Glee Club. That means we are the bottom of the social heap. Special Ed kids will get more play than we will.

Mercedes: Have you ever kissed anybody?

Kurt: Yes. If by somebody you mean the tender crook of my elbow.

Rachel: We need to have a gayvention, that's a GAY intervention.

Tina: It's K-K-Kurt. He's lady fabulous.

Mercedes: Look, just because he wears nice clothes doesn't mean he's on the down low.

Rachel: He wore a corset to second period today.

Preggers [1.04]

Terri: [handing Quinn pregnancy supplements] Take three times a day, or your baby will be ugly.

Kurt: My body is like a rum chocolate soufflé. If I don't warm it up right, it doesn't rise.

Kurt: Hello. I'm Kurt Hummel and I'll be auditioning for the role of kicker.

Coach Tanaka: Can you do that with a game on the line, and ten gorillas bearing down on you wanting nothing more than to taste your sweet virgin blood?

Kurt: Sounds like fun. Can I have my music?

Coach Tanaka: If you can kick like that, you can wear a tutu for all I care.

The Rhodes Not Taken [1.05]

Will: Hey, how come you haven't had any morning sickness? Quinn Fabray's been upchucking every fifteen minutes.

Terri: Really? That's a really good sign! That means the baby's not a mongoloid!

Emma: I just got back from the emergency room. I had them give me four decontamination showers. I think they call that the full Silkwood.

Will: What happened?

Emma: Kurt was drunk and he ralphed on me. Not really fessing up to how he got the booze just yet, but I'm pretty sure it's not a fake I.D. because he looks like an eleven-year-old milkmaid. Will, I think it was April. Her backpack's always clinking with empties.

Emma: Kurt, I'm a girl who knows her solvents, and your breath smells like rubbing alcohol.

Kurt: Oh, Bambi... I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy.

Rachel: I'm sleeping with him.

Finn: So am I! ...This play is weird.

Rachel: That's Mr. Ryerson's favorite line.

Vitamin D [1.06]

Will: I've got to figure out some way to motivate them.

Emma: Okay, well, you, um you could, well, what about a sticker board? That's how my parents got me to do chores when I was a kid. All right, so I do a chore, and then I get a star, and then-

Sue: Oh, dear God. Please please stop talking. I'm trying desperately to ignore the treacly sweet insanity of your asinine conversation but now I've got bile in my mouth and I will hold my tongue no further. You know what this is? This is a list of my Cheerios. Every week I pick someone at random, and I kick 'em out.

Will: Yeah, well, in Glee club we do things a little bit differently.

Sue: Oh, yeah, Will? How's that workin' out for you? You have to remember something. We're dealing with children. They need to be terrified. It's like mother's milk to them. Without it, their bones won't grow properly. So if you want results with a kid you find that competitive animal within, and unleash it. [to Emma] Oh and that blouse is just insane. [gets up and leaves]

Emma: ...Can't believe she's allowed to teach at this school.

Will: Um, is-is everything okay, Terri? - You-You never visit me at work.

Terri: Oh, I'm not visiting. No. You've been so stressed about our finances lately that I thought I would pitch in by getting a second job. I'm the new school nurse.

Will: But you're not a nurse. You don't have any training.

Terri: Oh please, Will. It's a public school.

Kurt: Although I've been grouped with the boys, my allegiance remains with you ladies. They declined my offer to do their hair in cornrows, and all my artistic decisions have been derided as too costly because they involve several varieties of exotic bird feathers.

Rachel: While the boys chose a selection of songs that cast an eye inward on the irresponsible life choices and sexual hunger of today’s modern teens, we have chosen a selection of songs that speaks to the nation as a whole during these troubling times of economic uncertainty and unbridled social woe, because if there’s two things America needs right now it’s sunshine and optimism. Also angels.

Rachel: We were just taking a lesson from Major League Baseball. It's not cheating if everyone does it.

Puck: What's a mash-up?

Will: A mash-up is when you take two songs and mash them together to create an even richer explosion of musical expression.

Quinn: I need to talk to you about the baby.

Terri: Is everything okay? Wait, you're not having it right now, are you?

Quinn: What!? No! Aren't you supposed to be a nurse?

Terri: Mmmhmm!

Will: You being here is not good for our marriage.

Terri: Spending time together is not good for our marriage?

Will: Not every minute! We used to come home every night and talk about our day. Now we have nothing to say to each other.

[cut to Will and Terri having a mostly silent dinner]

Terri: ...A lot of ants on the sidewalk today.

Will: ...Pretty late in the season for that.

Throwdown [1.07]

Will: I will destroy you.

Sue: I am about to vomit down your back.

Will: It's on.

Sue: This is a travesty of international proportions. You are jeopardizing my Cheerios' role as goodwill ambassadors and I have a call in to the president.

Will: I have a Spanish quiz in which one of your cheerleaders misspelled her name and answered every question with a drawing of a sombrero.

Sue: You can't stand it. You can't stand it to see a woman in power. Your psychosexual derangement would be fascinating Will if it weren't so terrifying!!!

Figgins: Sue, Will did a little research. According to our test records, most of your cheerleaders are functionally illiterate!

Sue: Oh, so what?

Figgins: And why, only last Friday, at the football game they tried to spell out "Go team," and they spelled out "To game."

Will: Since 1992, 95% of your Cheerios should have flunked Spanish and I, for one, am not gonna be a part of it anymore.

Sue: Oh Will we all know about your devotion to that dying language!

Will: Dying language!?!

Sue: Let me break this down for you, okay? I empower my Cheerios to be champions. Do they go on to college? I don't know. I don't care. Should they learn Spanish? Sure, if they wanna become dishwashers and gardeners. But if they wanna be bankers and lawyers and captains of industry, the most important lesson they could possibly learn is how to do a round off.

Jacob Ben Israel: The independent polling company in my Dockers has determined that you're the hottest girl in this school.

Rachel: Ew.

Kurt: Sue told me that if she caught me even talking to one of Mr. Schue's kids, she'd shave my head! And I just can't rock that look. (All the kids laugh) Even Justin Timberlake is growing his 'fro back!

Mash-Up [1.08]

Sue: If it is one minute late, I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark, cold night, I will steal away into your home and punch you in the face.

Finn: It’s like you can’t see their eyes so they have all the power. I could be looking at your boobs and you’d have no idea.

Quinn: Status is like currency. When your bank account is full, you can get away with doing just about anything. But right now, we're like toxic assets!

Wheels [1.09]

Kurt: We all know that I'm more popular than Rachel, and I dress better than her.

Kurt: [to his dad] I love you more than I love being a star.

Mercedes: Why do we have to go all vanilla on this song? See, what we need is my chocolate thunder.

Will: We don't have time to rearrange the song for you, Mercedes. But don't worry; we'll find something else for you to dip in chocolate.

Brittany: It’s that most of us don't know how to bake. I find recipes confusing.

Kurt: Let me just change. This sweater is Alexander McQueen.

Ballad [1.10]

Will: [Answering phone] Hello?

Terri: Who is it? Who died?

[Heavy breathing on the other side of the phone]

Will: Suzy Pepper?

Suzy: You knew it was me just by the sound of my breath…that is so romantic.

Terri: [Taking phone from Will] Listen here, you little psycho. This is Will's wife, and if I don't get enough sleep, my antidepressants won't work, and then I'll go crazy, and I'll kill you! Stop calling.

Quinn: I can't believe you told your mom; I mean, what if she tells my mom?

Finn: No, she won't.

Quinn: How do you know? Half the school knows, your mom knows; who else do you wanna tell?

Finn: She's not gonna tell anyone.

Quinn: You're wrong; I'm right. I'm smart; you’re dumb.

Finn: N-no.

Quinn: No, no, you’re wrong; I'm right!

Finn: She doesn't talk to other moms!

Quinn: I'm right

Mr. Fabray: [turns to Finn] You need to leave.

Quinn: Daddy – can’t we talk about this? Finn is a good guy...he loves me.

Mr. Fabray: You, too. Get out of my house.

Finn: What? You can't do that; she didn't do anything wrong! Please, Mrs. Fabray…

Quinn: Don't bother, Finn. If she wanted to do something, she would've done when she found out that I was pregnant.

Mr. Fabray: You knew?

Mrs. Fabray: I – no, she didn't tell me anything.

Quinn: But you knew. And I needed you. I needed my mom! And you were so scared about what he would do, if he found out that I was pregnant. So you just pushed it aside, like we do with every other bad feeling in this house. If you don't talk about it, it doesn't exist...

Mr. Fabray: No, do not turn this on us! You are the disappointment here!

Quinn: Why? Because I'm not a little girl anymore? Because I made a mistake?

Mr. Fabray: Who are you? I don't recognize you at all.

Quinn: I'm your daughter who loves you. And I know this must be really hard for you, but I just need my daddy to hold me, and tell me it's gonna be okay.

Mrs. Hudson: Finn, how many times have I told you, you need to make sure you turn these shirts right out –

Finn: Mom...Quinn's parents kicked her out. Could she stay here for a couple of days?

Mrs. Hudson: ...Yeah, of course. Honey, you can stay here as long as you want.

Kurt: How do you explain the constant irritation with you. It’s because she’s a girl.

Finn: I think it’s the pregnancy hormones or something. They make her kinda nuts.

Kurt: It’s enough to give up women all together.

Hairography [1.11]

Kendra: You got the beauty, but I got the brains and the beauty.

Will: Brittany, take it away.

Brittany: Take what away?

Brittany: So, hairography-it works best when you pretend like you're being Tasered, so you just move your head around like you're spazzing and stuff. [demonstrates]

Kurt: Sometimes it’s hard to appreciate what a good singer you are because all I think about is shoving a sock in your mouth.

Mattress [1.12]

Will: The best teachers don't give you the answers. They just point the way and let you make your own choices – your own mistakes. That way, you get all the glory, and you deserve it.

Quinn: The Cheerios' photo's tomorrow; I want back on that squad.

Sue: Oh, is that what you want? Well, what I wanted was a head cheerleader who wasn't going to hoist her legs behind her ears in the backseat of the first station wagon she could jimmy open, throwing away any chance she ever had in life.

Sue: There's a stack of mattresses in the choir room piled as high as the empty hair gel bottles in the Dumpster outside your apartment.

Sue: Is there any reason you have a soiled mattress in your office, Will? Have you and the redhead become so sexually depraved that you have to commit your craven acts of adultery in between classes?

Figgins: I'm very sorry, but Glee Club is over!

Sue: [to Will] It's over!

Kurt: Based on my investigation, I am of the opinion that a yearbook photo would only fuel the flames of anti-Glee club terror.

Sectionals [1.13]

Rachel: I've never told you guys before, but I'm a little psychic. I can't read minds or anything yet, but I do have a sixth sense.

[Finn is punching Puck. Will and Emma enters the room and Will separates Puck and Finn]

Will: Hey, come on, come on. Get off him! Knock it off! Get off! Get off! Hey.

Finn: [to Puck] TELL THE TRUTH!

Puck: Punk just walked in and sucker punched me.

Finn: Don’t play dumb– you’re too freaking dumb to play dumb!

Will: Come on!

Quinn: Who told you this, Finn?

Kurt: Obviously, it was Rachel.

Rachel: What? I didn't do anything.

Finn: Yeah, it was Rachel, but I want to hear it from you. I want to hear it from both of you.

Will: Finn, just calm down.

Finn: NO! THEY'RE BOTH LYING TO ME! [to Quinn] Is it true? Just tell me– is it true?

Quinn: [begins to cry] Yes. Puck is the father.

Finn: So, all… All that stuff in the hot tub… You just made that up?

Puck: You were stupid enough to buy it.

[Finn attempts to lunge at Puck but is stopped by Will]

Will: Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Quinn: [sobbing] I am so sorry.

Finn: Screw this. I’m done with you. I’m done with… I'M DONE WITH ALL OF YOU! [kicks a chair and leaves the room while Quinn tearfully looks on]

Figgins: Sue, the directors, both from the Jane Addams Academy and Haverbrook School for the Deaf, have informed me that you gave them the New Directions' set list.

Sue: You have no proof.

Figgins: The set lists were on Cheerios' letterhead.

Sue: I didn't do it.

Figgins: They say, "From the desk of Sue Sylvester".

Sue: Circumstantial evidence.

Figgins: They're written in your handwriting!

Sue: Forgeries.

Figgins: Sue, there is an orgy of evidence stacked against you!

Sue: Well, you've clearly made up your mind not to be impartial in this case.

Sue: Welcome to the Sue Sylvester Express. Destination: Horror.

Hell-O [1.14]

Kurt: We're glitterati. I feel like Lady Gaga.

Rachel: We are going to rule this school!

[Karofsky, Azimo and another football player approach Rachel, Kurt and Mercedes and splash slushies over them.]

Azimio: Welcome to Loserville! Population: you!

Finn: Oh, you mean like meeting other girls? 'Cause I think I'm dating Rachel, or at least she sure thinks I am.

Jesse St. James: [approaches Rachel and pulls a songbook from her hands] Lionel Richie, huh? One of my favorites.

Rachel Berry: Oh, my God, you're Jesse St. James. You're in Vocal Adrenaline.

Jesse St. James: And you're Rachel Berry. I saw your performance in sectionals. Your rendition of Don't Rain On My Parade was flawed. You totally lacked Barbra's emotional depth. But you're talented. This is one of my favorite haunts. I like to come and flip through the celebrity biographies; pick up some lifestyle tips. I'm a senior now, so this year is kinda my victory lap. Snagging a fourth consecutive national championship would just be gravy. I'm getting out of Ohio soon. I've got a full ride to a little school called the University of California, Los Angeles. Maybe you've heard of it. It's in Los Angeles.

Jesse St. James: What do you say we take her for a spin?

Rachel Berry: Here? No-no, I'm kinda nervous.

Jesse St. James: I remember when I used to get nervous. C'mon. I do this all the time. I like to give impromptu concerts to the homeless. It's so important to give back.

Brittany: Did you see what Rachel was wearing today?

Santana': Oh, I know! She looked like Pippi Longstocking, but like, Israeli.

Brittany: Sometimes I forget my middle name.

Rachel: [at Carmel High auditorium to talk to Jesse, with a bright spotlight on her face] Who is there? I carry a rape whistle.

Jesse: [chuckling] Just me. [Rachel sighs] Most spots are 2500 watts, this one is ten times brighter. We have to wear sunscreen onstage, but it's worth it.

Rachel: Guess everything is bigger and brighter here. [Jesse chuckles and turns the spot off] I have to ask you something, and I need you to tell me the truth, otherwise there will be consequences - life and death consequences. Because if I give myself to you, and it turns out that you're just playing me, I might die. Okay, not literally, but emotionally. It'll be the kind of heartbreak that girls like me hold for the rest of their lives. Like Barbra in 'The Way They Were'.

Jesse: [laughing and holds Rachel] Oh my God.

Rachel: What?

Jesse: You're more of a drama queen than I am. [after a moment he holds out a hand to Rachel] Hi, I'm Jesse.

Rachel: I know who you are.

Jesse: You know Jesse St. James, the star of Vocal Adrenaline, your competition at Regionals. I wanna introduce you to Jesse - the guy who is nuts about you. The guy who would never hurt you.

Rachel: [sighing and holds Jesse] No one can know.

Jesse: I understand.

The Power of Madonna [1.15]

Rachel: Can I ask you guys something private?

Santana: Yes, you should move to Israel.

Quinn: [to Rachel] Would you please stop talking? You're grossing out my baby.

Emma: Lindsay Lohan looks like something out of “Lord of the Rings”.

Mercedes: The last guy I liked was the mayor of Gaytown.

Mercedes: Y'all just trot me out at the end of every number so I can wail on the last note. How is that okay?

Artie: Hey girl!

Tina: [stops short and turns Artie’s wheelchair around to face her]: My eyes? Are up here! I am a person with feelings! Get out of my grill! I am a powerful woman, and my growing feminism will cut you in half like a righteous blade of equality! [stomps away]

Jesse St. James: [to Rachel, who locked in the bathroom] Just come out so we can talk. Or sing about it.

Rachel Berry: Look, Jesse, I really like you, but I can't do it. It wouldn't be right for... the team.

Jesse St. James: What does the team have to do with this?

Rachel Berry: If I give myself to you knowing that my teammates wouldn't approve, it would be like I was sleeping with the enemy. I'd be betraying them. And because I'm truly not ready to do this, I'd be betraying myself.

[Schuester has just told New Directions that Jesse is joining]

Rachel Berry: [to Jesse] I don't understand why you're doing this.

Jesse St. James: Because when you love something, you gotta go for it. You would never be with me completely if I were on the opposing team. And I care about you more than winning another national title. So I left Vocal Adrenaline. For you.

Home [1.16]

Will: April, what happened? Last time I saw you, you were getting cleaned up, headed off to Branson.

April: I know! It's crazy, right? I was so jazzed about sobering up and starting a new life I had to stop at a bar to get a drink just to calm down!

Sue: "Splits" magazine has named me cheerleading coach of the last two thousand years.

April: I'm rich! The old battle-axe was afraid I'd go to the Lima Times, so she shut me up to the tune of two million dollars! So I'm sobering up, and I'm heading to the Broadway, Will. I haven't had a drink in forty-five minutes! I'm going to take my hush money, and I'm gonna mount the first-ever, all-white production of "The Wiz!"

Brittany: I'm pretty sure my cat's been reading my diary.

Kurt: Rachel and Jesse refuse to accept that all of us would rather die before we allow them to become the next Beyonce and Jay-Z.

Quinn: When you start eating for somebody else so that they can grow and be healthy, your relationship to food changes. I realized that if I'm still willing to eat right to take care of this baby, why am I not willing to do it for myself?

Bad Reputation [1.17]

Emma: I’m not going to stand for this anymore. I’m not. I’m putting my foot down and I’m finally sticking up for myself. You’re a slut, Will. You’re a slut, you're a slut, you're a slut, you’re a slut! Everybody should know that and you should know that I’m through with you.

(Finn, Puck and Jesse are shocked after just seeing Rachel's video of 'Run Joey Run' and have found out they were triple cast)

Rachel: OK, Why don't we all take a moment to absorb what we've just watched.

Finn: This is garbage!

Will: Finn!

Puck: No, he's right. First of all, I need to trust my instincts more, because I had a feeling when we were shooting it that it was not going to be good.

Jesse: Why didn't you tell me they were in this, too? I thought you and I were going out! Being triple-cast with two other guys to play opposite your girlfriend - it's mortifying.

Rachel: It was an artistic statement.

Finn: No it wasn't! It was you trying to look like you had a bunch of guys fighting over you, so you could stop looking like some kind of outcast and be seen as some hot, slutty girl singer! (He walks up to her) How could you do this to me? To all us guys? Is your stupid reputation more important than all your relationships? (Finn walks out, followed by Jesse)

Rachel: Jesse, wait!

Quinn: A bad reputation is better than no reputation at all.

Quinn: You're a really good teacher, Mr. Schue. Even if everyone is calling you a man-whore.

Laryngitis [1.18]

Brittany: [seeing Puck without his mohawk for the first time] Who is that guy?

Jacob: You're like a toddler with a loose lid on his sippy cup. No more juice. Get ready for payback, Puckerman.

Puck: I'm human garbage. I should just lie here until the truck comes and let it crush me to death. What's the point of living when I suck so bad?

Puck: Get ready, black girl from Glee Club whose name I can't remember right now; the Puckster is about to make you his.

Puck: I feel like that guy who lost all his hair and then lost all his strength.

Santana: Samson?

Puck: Agassi.

Doctor: Rachel, I'm afraid you'll never sing again.

[Rachel gasps]

Doctor: Just kidding.

Finn: [to Rachel about Jesse] When are you going to realize, that he's not into you like I am.

Santana: What difference does it make? Everyone knows my role here is to look hot.

Rachel: I am like Tinker Bell, Finn; I need applause to live.

Puck: Since I shaved my mohawk, I started seeing things differently. Last week, I joined a black church. And I recently downloaded every song Sammy Davis Junior ever recorded on iTunes; he was a black Jew, you know. And my inspiration.

Kurt: What do boys taste like?

Brittany: Usually dip…sometimes, it tastes like burgers. Or my armpits – kissing my armpits is a really big turn-on for me.

Santana: Enjoy it while you can, Weezy. His hair's starting to grow back.

Finn: I can't believe you narced on us!

Quinn: My baby hormones are making me moody.

Quinn: I screwed up by letting Puck get me pregnant. He's an idiot and his mother won't let me eat bacon.

Kurt: I'm not a box. There are more than four sides to me.

Brittany: [to Kurt] So you're pretty much the only guy in this school that I haven't made out with yet, because I thought you were capitol G Gay, but now that you're not, having a perfect record would mean a lot to me. So, let me know if you want to tap this.

Brittany: [when asked why she wasn't singing] There are so many lyrics!

Burt: And if things get serious, use protection.

Brittany: Does he mean like a burglar alarm?

Brittany: Now I know what it's like to date a baby!

Puck: I mean, it’s just a mohawk, right? I’m still Pucksaurus.

Santana: Actually, I don’t know if it’s the missing mohawk or the whining, but I’m totally not turned on by you right now.

Dream On [1.19]

Rachel: My first singing competition, I came in first place.

Jesse: You were eight months old.

Rachel: I was very musically verbal.

Bryan: We'll probably cut the glee club.

Will: What? But you were in the glee club. Show choir was your life!

Bryan: It was, Will. And after I graduated, I hit the big time. I was a featured soloist at King's Island in the Dooble-Dee-Doo Musical Revue; we were a smash. Then, for three years, I did the cruise ship circuit. When that dried up, I realized I had been sold a bill of goods. Nine years later, I woke up on a urine-stained mattress in the West Lima crack district. Then, something amazing happened: I was introduced to Jesus; he was my Honduran social worker. I straightened up, put down the pipe, met the love of my life, Wilma, and now I run a successful used Hummer dealership. Don't make that face – global warming’s a theory.

Brenda: Years ago, when I auditioned to play Miss Adelaide in Guys and Dolls, I was asked to take my top off. Evidently, that is not customary, and that's when I started huffing glue.

Tina: Do you want a pretzel?

Artie: Hell, yes, woman.

Bryan: Can't feed a child sheet music, Will. I mean, I suppose you could for a while, but they'd be dead in a month.

Artie: I sound like someone put tap shoes on a horse and then shot it.

Rachel: [On her mother] What if she's singing on the tape? What if she's terrible? Or worse – what if she's better than me?

Jesse: [watching Rachel] Hi.

Rachel: [stops dancing after seeing Jesse] Hi. How was your spring break?

Jesse: Good. It's good to be back. What were you just rehearsing?

Rachel: A guy came to glee club to talk to us about dreams. Luckily, I've known mine since I was four. I'm gonna play three parts in Broadway: Evita, Funny Girl and Laurey in Oklahoma!. I was just practicing her dream ballet with Curly. It's what I do when I'm feeling a little stressed.

Jesse: That's not a dream. A dream is something that fills up the emptiness inside. The one thing that you know if it came true all the hurt would go away. You singing "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" in front of a sold-out crowd is not a fantasy. It's an inevitability.

Rachel: [hugging Jesse] I thought you'd never come back.

Jesse: And miss all your drama? Never.

Bryan: [About Will] Uh, I don't know this man. His caretaker just stepped away; I overheard him mention he's a sex offender.

Russell: Uh, my name is Russell, and I'm a glee club survivor. Whenever anything bad would happen, I would just say, "Let's put on a show!" Well, guess what? Puttin' on a show about your father's prostate cancer will actually just make him more depressed about the situation.

Sue: Is it a tad over-the-top to bill the district for skydiving lessons to have the Cheerios parachuted onto the football field? Perhaps.

Bryan: I've grown weary of your insults, Will. They're terrible, and they make me want to punch you in the face.

Bryan: Sue, you're an impressive woman. I can't tell you how much you turn me on right now. You ever heard of the term, "anger sex"?

Sue: It's the only kind I know, Bryan.

Bryan: I should tell you I'm married.

Sue: Not a problem for me.

Bryan: And I'm still cutting half your budget.

Sue: Eh, you win some, you lose some.

Bryan: Should I lock the door?

Sue: No. Got a secret room upstairs – like Letterman.

Theatricality [1.20]

Puck: You're wrong. It's a really good name. It's a rockstar name.

Quinn: You wanna name our daughter Jack Daniels? She's a girl.

Puck: Okay, fine – whatever. Jackie Danielle.

Kurt: Yeah, you don’t want to be late for your appointment at Supercuts!

Azimio: Watch your mouth, homo!

Dave Karofsky: And you know what, fancy? You don’t need an appointment at Supercuts; they love walk-ins!

Azimio: [to Finn] How many times do we got to go through this? You being a jock and being in this glee club does not make you versatile; it makes you bisexual.

Shelby: And ladies, I don’t want to hear about chafing just because you're being forced to wear metal underwear. Not my problem.

Artie [to Tina who is in non-Goth clothes] It's so weird.

Finn: This so isn't you.

Tina: I feel like an Asian Branch Davidian.

Will: Tina, are there any other looks you can try?

Santana: Biker chick?

Finn: Cowgirl?

Mercedes: Hoodrat.

Quinn: Computer programmer?

Brittany: Cross-country skier.

Puck: Catholic schoolgirl?

Brittany: Happy Meal, no onions. Or a chicken.

Puck: Wait, where’s Rachel? I mean, I only noticed because, like, five minutes have gone by without her saying something totally obnoxious.

Mercedes: Rachel got some intense news yesterday.

Quinn: We were spying on Vocal Adrenaline when-

Will: Guys! It's not right to spy...but what did you find out?

Mercedes: Okay, y'all ready? Ms. Corcoran, the Vocal Adrenaline coach... she's Rachel's mom.

Will: Are you serious?

Puck: We're screwed. Rachel's going to jump ship for Vocal Adrenaline.

[Rachel walks in]

Rachel: Never. I'm still processing the news and my dads have arranged for a therapist this afternoon.

Brittany: [To Rachel] You look terrible. I look awesome.

(a toy falls off of Rachel's dress)

Kurt: And we have a jumper.

Finn: We live in Ohio – not New York, or San Francisco, or some other city where people eat vegetables that aren’t fried. I don't understand why you always need to make such a big spectacle of yourself. Why can't you just work harder at blending in?

Kurt: I'm sure that'd be easier for you.

Will: When I was in high school, I had a whole year where I dressed as exactly like Kurt Cobain. I mean, come on. There has to be someone who you used to dress like.

Pincipal Figgins: Yes. For several years in my early twenties, I dressed up as Elvis. But he was a Christian, Will! And he did not possess the ability to transform into a bat!

Tina: (whispering to Will) I think he thinks vampires are real.

Will: I think you're right

Tina: My parents won't even let me watch "Twilight". My mom says she thinks Kristen Stewart seems like a bitch.

Rachel: Guys, we have a serious problem. You know how I've been doing some deep background on Vocal Adrenaline?

Artie: Isn't that against the rules?

Rachel: No, not at all. Or…probably. Whatever! Anyway, what I figured out: I rooted through the dumpsters behind the auditorium and I found eighteen empty boxes of Christmas lights!

Tina: Oh, no.

Rachel: Which led me to the fabric store. I asked about red Chantilly lace; they were sold out.

Mercedes: Oh, sweet Jesus.

Kurt: Oh, my.

Will: What?

Kurt: They're doing Gaga.

Mercedes: That's it; it's over.

Rachel: Exactly!

Kurt: We should have guessed it. They're going for full-out theatricality. They know it's the easiest way to beat us. Damn them!

Puck: What’s up with this Gaga dude? He just, like, dresses weird, right? Like Bowie?

Kurt: Lady Gaga is a woman! She's only the biggest pop act to come along in decades. She's boundary-pushing, the most theatrical performer of our generation, and she changes her look faster than Brit changes sexual partners.

Brittany: It's true.

Tina: [referring to her Gaga dress] My balls keep falling off.

Kurt: I've been there.

Puck: They called Paul Stanley 'The Starchild' because he was romantic or something but that doesn't really explain my whore lips.

Puck: While Jackie Daniels is a great name for like a power boat or something, it's not right for a baby girl.

Puck: [to Quinn] I know you're giving her up, but before you do I think you should name her Beth. If you'll let me, I'd really like to be there when she's born. I'd really like to meet her.

Kurt: So go on. Hit me.

Karofsky: I believe I will.

Kurt: Could you have a word with Azimio and Karofsky about harassing me without damaging my Gaga outfit?

Finn: Are you serious? Do you know how difficult it is with those guys? They already think we're boyfriends.

Kurt: I thought the boys KISS number was good, although the lyrics left something to be desired.

Tina: Finn kept sticking his tongue out and I couldn't stop picturing him licking things. It was disturbing.

Rachel: (about giving her up as a baby) Did you ever regret it?

Ms. Corcoran: Yes. Then no. Then so much.

Rachel: W-When did you realize it was the right time for me to find you?

Ms. Corcoran: I saw you sing at sectionals. You were extraordinary. You were me.

Finn: [to Kurt] Are you freaking insane?

Finn: Why is it so hard for you to understand? I don't want to get dressed in front of you. I put my underwear on in the shower before I come out when you're around. I don't wanna have to worry about that kind of stuff in my own room, man!

Kurt: And what "stuff" are you referring to?

Finn: You know what I'm talking about. Don't play dumb. Well, can't you just accept that I'm not like you?

Kurt: I have accepted that.

Finn: No, you haven't. You think I don't see the way you stare at me, how flirty you get? You think I don't know why you got so excited that we were gonna be moving in together?

Kurt: It's just a room, Finn! We can redecorate if you want to!

Finn: Okay, good. Well then the first thing that needs to go is that faggy lamp! And then we need to get rid of this faggy couch blanket…

Burt: (coming downstairs) Hey! What did you just call him?

Finn: Oh, no, no, I didn't call him anything. I was just talking to the blanket.

Burt: If you use that word, you're talking about him.

Kurt: Relax, Dad. I didn't take it that way.

Burt: Yeah, that's because you're 16 and you still assume the best in people. You live a few years, you start seeing the hate in people's hearts. Even the best people. (to Finn) You use the "N" word?

Finn: Of course not.

Burt: How about "retard"? You call that nice girl in Cheerios with Kurt, you call her a retard?

Finn: Becky-no. She's my friend, she's got Down syndrome. I'd never call her that. That's cruel.

Burt: But you think it's okay to come into my house and say "faggy"?

Finn: That's not what I meant.

Burt: I know what you meant! What, you think I didn't use that word when I was your age? You know, some kid gets clocked in practice, we'd tell him to stop being such a fag. Shake it off. We meant it exactly the way you meant it. That being gay is wrong. That it's some kind of punishable offense. I really thought you were different, Finn. You know, I thought that being in Glee Club and being raised by your mom meant that you were some, you know, new generation of dude who saw things differently. Who just kind of, you know, came into the world knowing what has taken me years of struggling to figure out. I guess I was wrong. I'm sorry Finn, but you can't - you can't stay here.

Kurt: (softly) Dad!

Burt: I love your mom and maybe this is gonna cost me her. But my family comes first. I can't have that kind of poison around here. (to Kurt) This is our home, Kurt. (to Finn) He is my son. Out in the world, you do what you want; not under my roof.

Rachel: When I was little and I was sad, my dads would bring me a glass of water. It got to a point where I didn't know if I was sad or thirsty.

Funk [1.21]

Kurt: I'm so depressed, I wore the same outfit twice this week.

Sue: [Writing in her journal] Dear Journal, something strange happened yesterday. I felt something below the neck. Dare I admit it? I have feelings for one Will Schuester. Sexy, non-murdering feelings. True love always springs from true hate. I'll admit in the past I've fantasized about waking up with Will's head on the pillow next to me, except now I picture it attached to the rest of his body.

Santana: Besides creeping us out, why are you telling us this?

Will: If we lose to Vocal Adrenaline at regionals, none of us are gonna regret it. We will have given it our best shot and we won't look back. But we will regret letting them get the best of us before the competition, which is why we need to hit them back just like they hit us.

Quinn: So you want us to T.P their choir room?

Will: Whatever the better, cooler version of that is, like, uh- maybe... maybe we should steal their school statue.

Kurt: Their school statue is a giant bronze of a great white shark eating a seal pup. It weighs three tons.

Puck: [In voiceover] Everyone knows this is going to come down to me. Revenge, fear, the merciless infliction of pain-these are my kingdoms. First time I gave a wedgie to a kid, I was four years old. Finn and I may still hate each other for some reason, but we both know that defending the honor of New Directions is going to be our dirty job.

Rachel: [As Jesse stands in front of her with an egg in his hand] Do it. Break it like you broke my heart.

Jesse: I loved you [breaks the egg in Rachel's hair].

Rachel: Now I just keep having nightmares of all of the mother's of the little baby chicks coming at me for revenge.

Will: Hey, what's going on?

Finn: We're on our way to go all Braveheart on Vocal Adrenaline.

Will: Guys, violence is never the answer.

Puck: It is when the question is, "What's the best way to mess up that Jesse kid's face?"

Kurt: Mr. Schue, Rachel is one of us. We're the only ones who get to humiliate her.

Will: Stop! Get back here and sit down! Look, I know from experience that making someone else suffer doesn't make your pain go away. You're all amazing, no matter what Vocal Adrenaline says or does. We just need to find a way to remind ourselves of that.

Finn: We can't just let Vocal Adrenaline get away with turning Rachel into an omelette.

Will: We're not. Rachel, dial Jesse's number on your phone.

Santana: You still have his number?

Will: Jesse St. James? Will Schuester here. You and Vocal Adrenaline need to meet at our auditorium Friday, 3:00 sharp. [hangs up]

Will: Look, nobody got hurt, it was a harmless prank.

Sue: That's what they said about a boy in Chicago, in 1871, who thought he'd play a harmless prank on the dairy cow of one Mrs. O'Leary. He successfully ignited its flatulence and a city burned, William. That terrorist went on to become the first gay President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln.

Waitress: You're gonna have to order something.

Sue: My date will be here any minute.

Waitress: Your date's not coming. You've been stood up.

[After the performance of "Give Up the Funk" by New Directions]

Puck: See you punks at Regionals. [He leaves the stage.]

Jesse: [Shocked] They did a funk number. [To Giselle who's sitting next to him] We've never been able to pull off a funk number.

Giselle: Well, that's because we're soulless automatons.

Jesse: I'm so depressed.

Terri: I have compulsive need to crush other people's dreams.

Finn: Yeah, that's what Mr. Schue said.

Will: Today, I want to talk to you about regrets. Who has some?

Rachel: Giving my heart to Jesse, just to have it crushed like the stage floor at a performance of Stomp.

Quinn: Thinking 'trust me' was a sensible birth control option.

Journey to Regionals [1.22]

Sue: [to Will] I’m having a really difficult time hearing anything you have to say today because your hair looks like a briar patch. I keep expecting racist animated Disney characters to pop up and start singing songs about living on the bayou!

Quinn: I'm the president of the celibacy club. I took a vow.

Puck: So did Santana and Brittany. And I did them.

Will: Thank you for coming to the first annual New Directions' Regionals nominations party.

Artie: What's the point, Mr. Schue? Coach Sylvester's one of the judges. She's going to crush us.

Will: Artie, you don't know that.

Santana: Yes, we do, she told us at Cheerios practice.

Brittany: Yeah, she said, "I'm going to crush Glee Club".

Puck: A whole freaking year. All that hard work for nothing.

Tina: [Crying] I'm sorry. I just really love you guys. You know how many Facebook friends I had before I joined Glee Club? Two. My parents. Rachel was right. Being a part of something special-it made me special. I just can't believe it's going to be over in a week.

Finn: Wait, who says it's going to be over?

Mercedes: Please. You think Puck and Santana are going to even acknowledge my existence once we're not in Glee Club together anymore?

Puck: She has a point.

Rachel: Mr. Schuester? Do you think instead of nominating songs, we can just...all go around the room and talk about things we loved about Glee Club this year? [has tears going down her face]

[In Emma's office]

Will: [to Emma] It took everything I had not to cry. It's like they've all walked a thousand miles just to get punched in the stomach.

Finn: [To Rachel] Hey! We need to talk. We had a chance of getting things back together at Mr. Schue's until you bailed. You're our leader, Rachel. I mean, the way you're on at everyone all the time is annoying, but it's also what keeps the club motivated. You and I are going to fix this. We are going to Regionals and we're going to win this thing.

[Rachel kisses Finn, and smiles.]

Will: Life only really has one beginning and one end, and the rest is just a whole lot of middle.

Will: Who cares what happens when we get there, when the getting-there has been so much fun?

Puck: Life's just a bunch of experiences, you know? You don't get a medal at the finish line for being good. You just get dead.

Sue: [Announcing] From Fort Wayne, Indiana, the not-at-all stupidly named, Aural Intensity!

Rachel: Break a leg.

Finn: I love you.

[The New Directions glee club finish performing and head backstage.]

Finn: That was awesome!

Tina: I think we got second place in the bag!

Rachel: Screw that! We're gonna win this!

Quinn: [to Puck, while giving birth] It's never coming out! Shut up! Ugh! You suck! You suck! You suck! You suck!

Olivia Newton-John: Brunettes have no place in show business.

Sue: [presenting the awards] Thank you all for coming. As you all know, Glee Club is such an important- And I honestly can't even finish that sentence, so let's just get to it. The 2010 Midwest Regional runners-up from Fort Wayne, Indiana, the not-at-all-stupidly named, Aural Intensity.

Artie: We didn't even place.

Rachel: [to Will] So, we have something we need to say to you.

Matt: In the beginning of this year I was just another football player.

Tina: I had a stutter.

Mercedes: I was a closeted diva.

Quinn: I used to be captain of the Cheerios.

Mike: I was afraid to dance outside my room.

Santana: I hated everyone in this club.

Brittany: So did I.

Kurt: I wasn't honest about who I was.

Puck: I was tossing guys into dumpsters.

Artie: I had never kissed a girl before

Rachel: And I was getting slushied.

Finn: I didn't—I didn't have a father. Someone I could look up to. Model myself after. Someone who could show me what it really meant to be a man.

Rachel: We don't care what the judges say. We won. Because we had you as a teacher.

Mercedes: And Glee Club will never end, Mr. Schue, because you are Glee Club. And you're in all of us now.

Sue: Glee Club stays for another year. I get what I want. Don't you get how sexual blackmail works?

Sue: I realize my cultural ascendance only serves to illuminate your own banality. But face it, I'm legend. It's happened.

Sue: [to Will] I spent large segments of each day picturing you choking on food, and I recently contacted an exotic animal dealer because I had a very satisfying dream that I once shoved your face into one of those pink-inflamed monkey butts that weep lymph.

Sue: Make sure you use hand sanitizer; I've seen that car you drive. I don't want to catch poor.

Will: Inside, you're a really good person. I appreciate what you're doing for these kids. I won't forget it.

Sue: I'm seriously gonna puke in your mouth.

Quinn: Did you love me?

Puck: Yes. Especially now.

Judy Fabray: Quinnie?

Quinn: Mom. What are you doing here? Is Dad okay…?

Judy Fabray: I came to hear you sing. You were wonderful. I'm-I'm so sorry I missed all the other times you performed. Were there a lot? I left your father. Well, I-I…kicked him out, actually. He was having an affair with some, uh…tattooed freak. Quinnie, I want you to come home with me. I can turn the guest room into a nursery. Oh, sweetie, say something.

Quinn: My water just broke.

Will: If this is only about winning for you guys, then I owe you all an apology, because I've failed you. And we should just all go home, because it means we've already lost. Besides, we have got something that the other groups don't.

Artie: What?

Will: Finn's dancing. (Laughter).

Will: Nine months ago, there were five of you in here. And we sucked. I mean, we really sucked. Bad. (Laughs). One day, all of you are going to be gone. And all of this, all of us will be nothing but a hazy memory. It will take you a second to remember everyone's name. someone will have to remind you of the songs we sung, the solos you got or didn't get. Life only really has one beginning and one end, and the rest is just a whole lot of middle. And I love you guys too much to let you not make the most of it. Now, I was going to quit once, but you guys brought me back with "Don't Stop Believing." It was a nine, but we are going to make it a ten.

Rachel: We're doing "Don't Stop" at Regionals?

Will: And then some. We are doing a Journey medley. Because who cares what happens when we get there when the getting there has been so much fun? Rachel? You had something you wanted to say?

Rachel: Just that we're all really glad you didn't become an accountant

Will: (After seeing Emma fight with Principle Figgins) Emma? What was that about?

Emma: It's so unfair. Will, your kids have worked so hard for this. Did you know he's already given your choir room to the Mock UN?

Will: A deal's a deal. We lost, Emma.

Emma: Because Sue cheated! She cheated, Will, and where do you think all that money's going? It's going right into her pockets. We just…We can't let her win this one! How can you just stand there and be so calm about this? How can you just give up so easily?

Will: I've tried, Emma, okay? It..It-It's over.

Emma: No. No, it's never over. I don't care what anybody says. Some things are worth fighting for.

Will: You mean like the kids?

Emma: Yes, of course.

Will: Anything else.

Emma: No. No, this is about the glee club. This is not about us.

Will: The hell it is. I love you, Emma. There, I finally said it. And you love me, and the dentist or no, this thing isn't over between us.(They kiss)

Cast

Original Stars

Guest Stars