You and I are such similar creatures, Vivian. We both screw people for money.
Impossible relationships. My special gift is impossible relationships.
People's reaction to opera the first time they hear it is extreme. They either love it or they hate it. If they love it, they will always love it. If they don't, they may learn to appreciate it, but it will never become part of their soul.
Philip Stuckey: [about Morse] He mortgaged everything he owns, right down to his underwear, to secure a loan from the bank.
Magician at party: No matter what they say, it's all about money. So let's imagine, ladies, that you're a savings and loan officer. Watch - one, two, three; see, you've got it all, and we've got nothing. You've got all four, take a look.
Happy Man: Welcome to Hollywood! What's your dream? Everybody comes here; this is Hollywood, land of dreams. Some dreams come true, some don't; but keep on dreamin' - this is Hollywood. Always time to dream, so keep on dreamin'.
Edward: When you and I were dating, did you speak to my secretary more than you spoke to me?
Susan: She was one of my bridesmaids.
Vivian: Wait a minute — that's a Lotus Esprit!
Kit: No, that's rent. You should go for him. You look hot tonight. Don't take less than a hundred. Call me when you're through… Take care of you.
Vivian: Take care of you.
Vivian: Hey, sugar, you lookin' for a date?
Edward: No, I want to find Beverly Hills. Can you give me directions?
Vivian: Sure. For five bucks.
Edward: That's Ridiculous.
Vivian: Price just went up to ten.
Edward: You can't charge me for directions!
Vivian: I can do anything I want to, Baby; I ain't lost.
Edward: I hadn't exactly planned this.
Vivian: Do you plan everything?
Vivian: Yeah me too! I'm actually, no I'm not a planner. I would say I'm a kinda fly by the seat of your pants gal, you know moment to moment. Yeah that's me, that's...yeah.
Edward: I guess this is not the greatest time to be a hooker, is it?
Vivian: Look, I use condoms always. I get checked out once a month at the free clinic. Not only am I better in the sack than an amateur, I am probably safer.
Edward: I like that; that's very good. You should have that printed on your business card.
Vivian: If you're makin' fun of me, I don't like it.
Edward: [laughs] No, I'm not making fun of you. No, I don't. I'm not. I wouldn't offend you. I'm sorry. What's your name?
Vivian: What do you want it to be?
Vivian: Man, this baby must corner like it's on rails!
Edward: Beg your pardon?
Vivian: Well, doesn't it blow your mind? This is only four cylinders!
Edward: Tell me, what kind of… what kind of money you girls make these days? Ballpark.
Vivian: Can't take less than a hundred dollars.
Edward: Hundred dollars a night?
Vivian: For an hour.
Edward: An hour? You make a hundred dollars an hour and you got a safety pin holding your boot up? You gotta be joking.
Vivian: I never joke about money.
Edward: Neither do I.
[He turns to her.]
Edward: Hundred dollars an hour. Pretty stiff.
[She reaches over into his lap.]
Vivian: Well, no… but it's got potential.
Vivian: What is your name?
Vivian: Edward? That's my favorite name in the whole world!
Edward: [mock seriously] No!
[A well-dressed couple observe Edward and the scantily-clad Vivian as an elevator arrives.]
Vivian: Well, color me happy! There's a sofa in here for two!
[The man moves to enter, but his wife stops him. A chagrined Edward turns to the couple.]
Edward: First time in an elevator.
[Edward enters. The woman turns to her husband.]
Woman: Close your mouth, dear.
Vivian: Wow! Great view! I bet you can see all the way to the ocean from out here.
Edward: I'll take your word for it. I don't go out there.
Vivian: Why don't you go out there?
Edward: I'm afraid of heights.
Vivian: You are? So how come you rented the penthouse?
Edward: It's the best. I looked all around for penthouses on the first floor, but I can't find one.
Vivian: Well, now that you got me here, what are you going to do with me?
Edward: You wanna know something? I don't have a clue.
Vivian: You know, you could pay me. That's one way to, maybe, break the ice.
[Vivian hops up onto Edward's desk in a sultry pose.]
Edward: You're on my fax.
Vivian: Well, that's one I haven't been on before.
[Vivian pulls a fistful of condoms from her purse.]
Vivian: Pick one. I got red, I got green, I got yellow… I'm out of purple, but I do have one Gold Circle coin left… the condom of champions, the one and only… nothin' is gettin' through this sucker. Whaddya say, hmm?
Edward: A buffet of safety.
Vivian: I'm a safety girl.
Vivian: So Edward, are you in town on, uh, business or pleasure?
Edward: Business, I think.
Vivian: Business, you think. Well… let me guess. That would make you… a lawyer.
Edward: A lawyer?
Edward: What makes you think I'm a lawyer?
Vivian: You've got that, um… sharp, useless look about you.
Vivian: Listen, I… I appreciate this whole seduction scene you've got goin', but let me give you a tip — I'm a sure thing, okay? So… I'm on an hourly rate. Could we just move it along?
Edward: Somehow, I'm sensing that this time problem is a major issue with you. Why don't we just get through that right now.
Vivian: Great! Let's get started.
Edward: How much for the entire night?
Vivian: Stay here? [small laugh] You couldn't afford it.
Edward: Try me.
Vivian: 300 dollars.
Edward: Done. Thank you. Now we can relax.
[A flummoxed Vivian gets up.]
Vivian: Are you sure you want me to stay for the entire night? I mean, I could just pop ya good and be on my way.
Edward: To tell you the truth, I don't feel like being alone tonight.
Vivian: Why, is it your birthday, or something?
Vivian: I mean, I have been the party at a couple of birthdays.
Edward: Hmpf. I bet you have.
Edward: Oh, by the way, Phil — about your car…
Philip Stuckey: Oh God. What?
Edward: It corners like it's on rails.
Philip Stuckey: What?! What does that mean? Edward… Edward…
[Grinning, Edward hangs up.]
Vivian: [after Edward catches her singing along to "Kiss" by Prince in the tub] Don't you just love Prince?
Edward: More than life itself.
[Fumbling with his tie, Edward tells Vivian about his business.]
Vivian: You don't actually have a billion dollars, huh?
Edward: No. I get some of it from banks, investors… it's not an easy thing to do.
Vivian: And you don't make anything…
Vivian: … and you don't build anything.
Vivian: So whadda ya do with the companies once you buy 'em?
Edward: I sell them.
[Viv reaches for his tie.]
Vivian: Here, let me do that. You sell them.
Edward: Well, I… don't sell the whole company, I break it up into pieces, and then I sell that off, it's worth more than the whole.
Vivian: So, it's sort of like, um… stealing cars and selling 'em for parts, right?
Edward: [sighs exasperatedly] Yeah, sort of. But legal.
Edward: I will pay you to be at my beck and call.
Vivian: Look, I'd love to be your beck-and-call girl, but…
Edward: Any questions?
Vivian: Can I call you Eddie?
Edward: Not if you expect me to answer.
Vivian: I would have stayed for two thousand.
Edward: I would have paid four. I'll see ya tonight.
Vivian: Baby, I'm gonna treat you so nice, you're never gonna wanna let me go.
Edward: Three thousand, for six days, and Vivian, I will let you go.
Vivian: I called and called! Where were you last night?
Thompson: Now, Mr. Lewis, however, is a very special customer, and we like to think of our special customers as friends. Now, as a customer, we would expect Mr. Lewis to sign in any additional guests, but as a friend, we're willing to overlook it. Now, I'm assuming that you're a… [long pause] … relative?
Vivian: [meekly] Yes.
Thompson: I thought so. Then you must be his…
[Thompson gives Vivian an expectant nod. Another long pause.]
Thompson: Of course. Naturally, when Mr. Lewis leaves, I won't see you in this hotel again. I assume you have no other uncles here?
Bridget: Now, I'm sure we're gonna find something here that your uncle would love.
Vivian: Bridg? He's not really my uncle.
Bridget: They never are, dear.
Edward: Never, ever pick up the phone.
Vivian: Then why're you calling me?
Vivian: All right. I'll meet you in the lobby, but only 'cause you're payin' me to.
Edward: Well, thank you very much.
[He hangs up the phone and turns to the receptionist.]
Edward: Get her back for me, please.
Edward: I told you not to pick up the phone.
Vivian: Then stop callin me.
[Edward snickers and hangs up.]
Vivian: [grinning] Sick.
Thompson: I have a message for you, sir.
Edward: From who?
Thompson: Ah, from your niece, sir.
Edward: My what?
Thompson: The young lady who's staying in your room, sir.
Edward: Oh. Hmm. I think we both know that she's not my niece.
Thompson: Of course.
Edward: The reason I know that, is that I am an only child.
Vivian: You're late.
Edward: You're stunning.
Vivian: [grinning] You're forgiven.
[Vivian accidentally launches an escargot, which is deftly caught by the mâitre-d.]
Vivian: Slippery little suckers.
Mâitre-D: It happens all the time.
Vivian: Let's watch old movies all night… we'll just veg out in front of the TV.
Edward: "Veg out"?
Vivian: Yeah. Be still like vegetables. Lay like broccoli.
Edward: Look, I'll tell ya what. I'll be back. We'll do broccoli tomorrow.
Vivian: The stores are not nice to people — I don't like it.
Edward: Stores are never nice to people. They're nice to credit cards.
Edward: You see this young lady over here?
Edward: Do you have anything in this shop as beautiful as she is?
Hollister: Oh, yes.
[Edward gives Hollister a look.]
Hollister: Oh, no! No, no! No. I'm saying we have many things as beautiful as she… would want them to be! [babbling] That's the point I was getting at. And I think we can all agree with that. That's why, when you came in here, you knew from the first—
Edward: You know what we're gonna need here? We're going to need a few more people helping us out. I'll tell you why. We are going to be spending an obscene amount of money in here. So we're going to need a lot more help sucking up to us, 'cause that's what we really like.
Edward: You understand that.
Hollister: Sir, if I may say so, you're in the right store, and the right city, for that matter!
Hollister: Exactly how obscene an amount of money were you talking about? Just… profane, or really offensive?
Edward: Really offensive.
Hollister: [to himself] I like him so much.
Hollister: Mr. Lewis? How's it going so far?
Edward: Pretty well, I think. I think we need some major sucking up.
Hollister: Very well, sir. You're… not only handsome, but a powerful man. I could see the second you walked in here, you were someone to reckon with…
Hollister: Yes, sir?
Edward: Not me. Her.
[Vivian, smartly dressed and carrying many bags, stops in at yesterday's clothing store.]
Vivian: Do you remember me?
Salesperson: No, I'm sorry.
Vivian: I was in here yesterday. You wouldn't wait on me?
Vivian: You work on commission, right?
Salesperson: Ah, yes.
Vivian: Big mistake. Big. Huge! [turns away] I have to go shopping now!
Edward: I was very angry with him. It cost me ten thousand dollars in therapy to say that sentence: "I was very angry him." I do it very well, don't I? I'll say it again: I was very angry with him. "Hello, my name is Mr. Lewis, I am very angry with my father."
Vivian: I would've been angry at the ten thousand dollars.
Vivian: Did I mention… my leg is 44 inches from hip to toe, so basically, we're talkin' about…
[She wraps her legs around Edward.]
Vivian: … 88 inches of therapy… wrapped around you, for the bargain price of…
Edward and Vivian: [in unison] … three thousand dollars!
Gretchen: Edward's our most eligible bachelor. Everybody is trying to land him.
Vivian: Well, I'm not trying to land him. I'm just using him for sex.
Elizabeth Stuckey: '[about Vivian] She's sweet, Edward! Wherever did you find her?
Vivian: People put you down enough, you start to believe it.
Edward: I think you… are a very bright, very special woman.
Vivian: The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?
Matron: Did you enjoy the opera, dear?
Vivian: Oh, it was so good, I almost peed my pants!
[Vivian walks off.]
Edward: She said she liked it better than The Pirates of Penzance.
[Edward offers Vivian a condo, car, and a shopping allowance.]
Vivian: What else? You going to leave some money by the bed when you pass through town?
Edward: Vivian, it really wouldn't be like that.
Vivian: How would it be?
Edward: Well, for one thing, it would get you off the streets.
Vivian: That's just geography.
Edward: Vivian, what is it you want? What do you see happening between us?
Vivian: I don't know. When I was a little girl, my mama used to lock me in the attic when I was bad, which was pretty often. And I would… I would pretend I was a princess, trapped in the tower by a wicked queen. And then suddenly, this knight, on a white horse, with these colors flying, would come charging up and draw his sword… and I would wave, and he would climb up the tower, and rescue me. But never in all the time… that I had this dream… did the knight say to me, "Come on, baby, I'll put you up in a great condo."
Edward: I've never treated you like a prostitute.
[He walks away.]
Vivian: You just did.
Kit: Maybe you guys could, like, um… you know, get a house together, and like, buy some diamonds, and a horse — I don't know. Anyway… it could work! It happens!
Vivian: When does it happen, Kit?
Vivian: I just wanna know who it works out for. You give me one example of somebody that we know that it happened for.
[They start talking over each other.]
Kit: Name someone? You want me to name someone?
Vivian: Yeah, you know a person that it's worked for.
Kit: You want me to, like, give you a name, or something?
Vivian: Yeah, I'd like a name.
Kit: Oh, God, the pressure of a name… Cinde-fucking-rella!
Edward: So what happened after he climbed up the tower and rescued her?