Queer as Folk (British TV series)
- This article is about the UK version (1999–2000). For the USA remake (2000–2005) by Ron Cowen and Daniel Lipman see Queer as Folk (US TV series)
Queer as Folk was a United Kingdom television series written by Russell T. Davies, shown on Channel 4 in 1999. A followup two episode second series followed in 2000. The series focused on the lives of three gay men in Manchester: Stuart, a supremely confident and wealthy advertising executive; his best friend Vince, the manager of a supermarket who is perennially unlucky in love; and Nathan, a 15-year-old just coming to terms with his sexuality.
Unfinished Business [1.02]
- Can you believe it? They've got toilets in which no one's ever had sex!
- Vince, talking about straight bars.
- It's the exact opposite of childbirth. First you have the baby, then you get fucked.
- Stuart, who has donated sperm to help a lesbian couple have a baby, on discovering their financial demands.
Constant Craving [1.05]
- Nathan: Donna, you don't know her! You don't know anything! Cos you're straight! Right? You're part of the system! Right? You're part of the fascist heterosexual orthodoxy!
Donna: I'm black. And I'm a girl. Try that for a week.
- Nathan talking to his classmate and friend Donna (played by Carla Henry).
- Stuart: Give him six months and he'll be able to name all the Doctor Whos, in order – William Hartnell, Patrick Troughton, Jon Pertwee, Tom Baker, Peter Davison, Colin Baker, Sylvester McCoy.
Vince: What about Paul McGann?
Both Together: Paul McGann doesn't count!
- Stuart comments on Vince's obsession with Doctor Who and its effect on his new boyfriend.
[Vince is at a restaurant on a date with Cameron, and calls Stuart while Cameron is in the loo. Stuart is at a pub with a married (and closeted) business relation named Martin Brooks, despite having promised his sister that he’d babysit her children that night.]
- Vince: Says he’s 36, the liar. I’m sitting here with an old man. It’s like the auditions for Cocoon 3.
- Stuart: Tell him that story about the broken leg, that always works.
- Nathan: [barges in] Is that Vince? Say hello for me.
- Stuart: Uh, some twat says hello.
- Vince: is that Nathan? Stuart, listen, his mother had a rag on me. Do us a favor and keep an eye on him?
- Stuart: Never mind him, just think about yourself for once.
[Cameron returns from the loo and Vince quickly hangs up]
- Cameron: We could go somewhere afterwards, I dunno. There’s pubs open, you’re the expert.
- Vince: Yeah. Listen, I’ve gotta make this call, there’s this boy and no one’s looking after him. Bit of a crisis, you don’t mind?
[Vince calls Stuart back]
- Vince: Stuart, seriously, it’s your fault he’s left home. He could wander off at anywhere.
- Stuart: Hold on, call waiting. [Answers it] Yeah?
- Marie: [sarcastically] Thank you Stuart, thank you so much. I’ve had Ben crying his eyes out, that’s all he needs, another man to abandon him.
- Stuart: I did phone Marie, I left a message. It’s just, it’s an emergency, I’ve gotta work.
- Marie: You’re in a bar, I can hear it! How many dates do you think I get anyway, a mother with two kids?
- Stuart: Hold on, call waiting. [Answers]
- Sandra (Stuart’s PA): Are you with Martin Brooks? Cause his mobile’s switched off. His wife’s on the phone, the roof falling or something.
- Stuart: Martin, it’s your wife.
- Martin: I’m not here.
- Stuart: He’s not here.
[Cut back to Vince and Cameron at the restaurant]
- Vince: Call waiting. He’s a busy man.
- Cameron: Look, I really don’t mind, but can you put the phone down? Just for a minute.
- Vince: Yeah... Sure. Sorry.
- Cameron: Right. Cause if you wanna go clubbing, I could uh...
[Vince’s phone starts ringing again]
- Vince: I’m sorry. It’s this boy, I promised his mother. [Answers] Hello?
- Marie: You’ve kept me waiting long enough, now put him on the phone!
- Vince: I’m not with Stuart.
- Marie: You’re always with him! I was supposed to be on a date and he’s ruined it!
- Vince: I’m not. Honestly, I’m not. Hold on, call waiting again. [Answers] Yeah?
- Sandra: Vince, put him on. I know full well he’s taken Martin Brooks to some godforsaken dive.
- Vince: I’m not with Stuart!
- Sandra: His wife’s going mental.
- Vince: Whose wife?
- Sandra: Martin Brooks’!
- Vince: Who the hell is Martin Brooks? Hold on, call waiting. [Answers] What?!
- Stuart: You hung up on me.
- Vince: Are you with Martin Brooks?
- Stuart: How do you know Martin Brooks?
- Vince: I’ve got Sandra chasing Martin Brooks.
- Stuart: I’ve never heard of Martin Brooks.
- Vince: [Switches calls, accidentally answers Marie’s instead of Sandra’s] He’s not with Martin Brooks.
- Marie: Who the hell is Martin Brooks?
- Vince: Sorry, wrong woman, hold on. [Switches calls again to Sandra] Sandra, no Martin Brooks.
- Sandra: He is with Martin Brooks! And his roof has fallen in!
- Vince: Whose roof’s fallen in?!
- Sandra: Martin Brooks’!
- Vince: Hold on. [Switches calls] Marie. Is your date with Martin Brooks?
- Marie: Who the fuck is Martin Brooks?!
- Vince: I don’t know. But he’s got a wife and a dodgy roof.
- Cameron: [exasperated] Wait a minute, I know Martin Brooks, give me the phone.
[Cameron walks out of the restaurant and tosses Vince’s phone into off a bridge into the water below]
- Vince: Oi, that’s my phone!
- Cameron: [Grabs Vince and kisses him] Call me.
[Cameron walks off, Vince is left alone on the bridge]
- Vince: What with?!
Married .. with children [1.06]
- Nathan's dad: He's fifteen years old. He's fifteen. That boy is fifteen!
Stuart: So? That Jeep's only six months, and you've still gone and buggered it!
- Nathan's dad deliberately rams Stuart's jeep and confronts him over his relationship with Nathan.
That's what friends are for [1.07]
- Stuart: Here she is! Rosalie, have you met Cameron? Let's go say hello. Cameron! This is Cameron, he's Vince's boyfriend. They've been going out for ages! Cameron says Vince shags like a rabbit! He's bought him a car! He's the perfect boyfriend – they're practically married!
- Stuart has invited Rosalie, one of Vince's co-workers who does not know he is gay and has a crush on him, to his birthday party.
- Nathan: I'm still gonna go out, to the Village.
Nathan's dad: Not on school nights you're not.
Nathan: And I'm not gonna change.
You know that, don't you?
Cos it isn't a phase.
I'm not gonna grow out of it.
I'm gonna be gay forever.
Nathan's dad: You've made your mind up.
It's obvious there's no stopping you.
It's Helen I'm worried about.
She's ten years old.
She's a child.
I don't want her head filled with notions.
Nathan: Like what?
Nathan's dad: As far as Helen's concerned,
the anus is for shit.
- The next night, Nathan and Donna run away to London.
Out of the Closet, Into the Fire [2.01]
- Stuart: We don't do hammers, or nails, or saw. We do joints and screws, but that's different.
Stuart's mother: Who does?
Stuart: Queers. Because I'm queer. I'm gay. I'm homosexual. I'm a poof, I'm a poofter, I'm a ponce. I'm a bumboy, batty-boy, backside artist, bugger. I'm bent. I am that arsebandit. I lift those shirts. I'm a faggot-ass, fudge-packing, shit-stabbing uphill gardener. I dine at the downstairs restaurant, I dance at the other end of the ballroom. I'm Moses and the parting of the red cheeks. I fuck and I am fucked. I suck and I am sucked. I rim them and wank them, and every single man's had the fucking time of his life. And I am not a pervert. If there's one twisted bastard in this family, it's this little blackmailer here. So congratulations, Thomas. I've just officially outed you.
- Stuart comes out to his parents, after his nephew Thomas attempts to blackmail him.
- Stuart: So, er, how many men have you had now?
Nathan: Dunno. About... seven?
Stuart: Seven. I must've had about 2,007.
Nathan: Yeah? That means I've got 2,000 to go. How many have you got left?
- Nathan grimaces. The looming senility is an obsession for Stuart.
Out of the Closet, Into the Fire (Part 2) [2.02]
- Stuart: What, come back to this? The ghetto: alleyways stinking of piss, beggars in every doorway, straights and students coming to look at the freak show, and all the idiots saving all week, saving their stupid money from their stupid idiot jobs so they can come and shoot their load with some stranger. And just you look after it, this stupid little street. It's the middle of the world. Cos on a street like this, every single night, anyone can meet anyone. And every single night, someone meets someone.
- Vince: It's all yours now, all of them, all the poofs and all the dykes and all the people inbetween. And this lot, they'll shag ya, they'll rob ya, some of them might even love ya. They'll all forget you in the end. Just stick with your friends, you'll be fine.
- Stuart and Vince to Nathan on Canal Street.
- Stuart Alan Jones — Aidan Gillen
- Vince Tyler — Craig Kelly
- Nathan Maloney — Charlie Hunnam