Michael [voice-over]: The thing you need to know is, it's all about sex. It's true. In fact, they say men think about sex every 28 seconds. Of course, that's straight men. Gay men, it's every 9. You could be at the supermarket or the laundromat, or buying a fabulous shirt, when suddenly you find yourself checking out some hot guy. Hotter than the one you saw last weekend or went home with the night before, which explains why we're all at Babylon at 1 in the morning instead of at home in bed. But who wants to be at home in bed? Especially alone, when you could be here, knowing that at any moment you might see Him. The most beautiful man who ever lived. That is, until tomorrow night.
Michael [voice-over]: Who’s told the truth since they invented cyber sex?
Emmett: When did 70's night become 80's night?
Ted: I remember this song from high school. Talk about feeling ancient.
Emmett: Speak for yourself, honey. I was a mere child.
Emmett: [referring to a hot guy] My God, have you ever seen anything more beautiful?
Ted: Venice. At sunset.
Emmett: Fine. You go down the Grand Canal, I'll go down on him.
Michael [voice-over]: Emmett can be a little campy. Okay, a lot campy. But you've got to admit, these days it takes real guts to be a Queen in a world full of commoners.
Michael [voice-over]: Ted's this really smart guy and he's got a really big heart. Only, nobody here is interested in the size of that organ.
Ted: Why am I wasting my time staring at a bunch of over pumped princesses with IQ's smaller than their waists...
[Ted freezes as a hot guy walked past him]
Ted: Jesus look at him!
Michael [voice-over]: Like I said, it's all about sex. Unless you're having it. And then it's all about "will he stay?" "will he go?" "how am I doing?" "what am I doing?" Unless of course, you're Brian Kinney. Then it's "who gives a fornicate what you think? You're lucky to have me."
Michael: We need to go. We want to eat.
[Brian is receiving oral sex from a guy in the back room of Babylon.]
Brian: I'm just gonna give him my number.
Michael: What'd you do, write it on your penis? How long is this gonna take?
Brian: [looks at the face of the guy] Ten minutes. Tops.
Michael: That was quick.
Ted: Not when you've had as much practice as he's had.
Brian: I got bored.
Emmett: I know, getting your dick sucked can be so tedious.
[Brian spots Justin]
Michael [voice-over]: And that's when it happened. When he came along.
Brian [to Justin]: How's it going? Had a busy night?
Justin: Just uh, checking out the bars, you know. Boy Toy. Meat Hook.
Brian: Meat Hook? Really? So you're into leather?
Justin: [hesitates] Sure.
Brian: Where you heading?
Justin: No place special.
Brian: I can change that.
Brian: Do you like Special K?
Justin: It's okay. I like Cheerios better.
Brian: I don't mean the kind you eat with bananas.
Brian [to Justin]: So are you coming or going? Or coming and then going? Or coming and staying?
Emmett: Oh my God, look. He must've followed us.
Michael: Christ! It's just what I need.
Emmett: Honey, it's what we all need.
[Michael shakes his head, ready to go into his house.]
Emmett: [stops Michael] Hey, when was last time you got laid?
[Michael opens his mouth, doesn't know how to respond.]
Emmett: My point exactly. If you can't remember, then it's time.
Brian: So what do you like to do?
Justin: Do? I don't know. Watch TV, play Tomb Raider.
Brian: [laughs] I mean in bed.
Justin: Oh. [smiles] This is fine.
Brian: Are you a top or a bottom?
Justin: [hesitates] ...Top. And bottom.
Brian: Oh, you're versatile then.
Justin: And ambidextrous, which was really confusing at first 'cause I can never figure out which hand to throw with.
Brian: [nods] Do you like to rim?
Justin: Sure. I love it.
Brian: Great. Go to it.
[Justin looks confused, non-responsive]
Justin: Um... What exactly do you mean?
[Michael is making out with a guy when Emmett walks into the room.]
Emmett: Ooh! Don't mind me, just uh... can't sleep without my milk and Oreo's.
Michael: This is my friend Emmett. He's staying with me temporarily since the hooker who lived down the hall from him burnt his apartment building down two years ago.
Trick: Two years is a long time to be temporary.
Michael: And yet it hasn't interfered with my love life... which I suppose says a lot about my love life.
Brian: How old are you really?
Brian: What is this, a missile launch?
Melanie: Careful, don't drop him!
Brian: That's just what I was planning on doing.
Lindsay: We've been thinking of names. Mel wants to call him Abraham after her grandfather, but I like Gus.
[Brian looks at his son, then over to Justin.]
Brian: What do you think?
Justin: You wouldn't survive a day in school named Abraham, but I guess Gus is okay.
Melanie: Thank you very much, and who the hell are you?
Brian: His name's... Juh...
Brian: You were on the phone when he shot his load all over me.
Lesbians in the room: Ugh...
Lindsay: Oh Brian!
Brian: He can't help it. He's only 17.
Melanie: So you and Lindsay each had an infant tonight.
Brian: Mine doesn't suck on my breasts... unless I want him to.
Michael: It's kinda weird you're having a kid. Still it's exciting, isn't it?
Brian: What? Having some wrinkled little time clock ticking away? Reminding you that you're getting older by the minute, by the second?
Michael: Keep thinking like that you're gonna end up prematurely gray... Oh I think I see one.
Brian: There is always one solution. I could end it all right now!
Michael: That would be dramatic. Just like ER… birth and death in the same episode. Now, get down!
Brian: C'mon, Mikey, let's fly... like in all those comic books. I'm Superman. I'll show you the world!
Michael: Why am I always Lois Lane?
Brian: Had intercourse with him.
Michael: You did not. You looked at him.
Brian: That may appear to be what happened, but we did it all.
Michael: Oh yeah and how was he?
Brian: Well, here we are. Ma and Pa.
[Lindsay starts to cry]
Lindsay: Don't mind me. Just feeling a little... vulnerable.
Brian: I promise not to tell.
Lindsay: Who would have thought? You and me, parents?
Brian: It's pretty scary, boys and girls. Think it's too late to return it?
Lindsay: [whispers] We could try... [laughs] I guess this means we're finally grown-ups.
Brian: Don't say that Wendy. We'll never grow up.
Lindsay: Don't be scared. Hell, if our parents could fornicate up, so could we.
Michael [to Justin]: Okay boy wonder, I'm taking you home, where do I turn?
Brian: He's going with me.
Michael: Oh, no he's not.
Brian [to Justin]: Pop quiz, no talking. Here's your question. Multiple choice. Do you want to come home with me? A, yes. B, yes. Or C, yes. Tick tick tick! Time's up, pencils down. What do you say?
Michael: None of the above. He's going home.
Justin: I'm going with him.
Brian: Good boy. You get an A+.
Michael: He calls me, practically begs me to go with him, knowing full well I'm with someone, for the first time in I don't know how long...
Emmett: 7 months, 2 weeks, and 3 days.
Michael: Thank you. And even though the guy wasn't all he was cracked up to be...
Emmett: We'll let that remark pass.
Michael: At least he wanted me. Me! [Sits down on the couch] God, I'm so horny!
Emmett: Poor baby. Well I have just the thing. A new porn video. [Runs to get the video] It all takes place in a prisoner of war camp. Hot, horny men starved for action.
Michael: I can relate to that.
[Emmett hands over the video to Michael.]
Emmett: Guaranteed to make your private stand up and salute.
Michael: Schindler's Fist?
Emmett: Ah... Here. [hands Michael the remote] I'll leave you two alone. I'm sure you'll going to have a deep, meaningful relationship. Good night!
Brian [to Justin]: I want you to always remember this. So that no matter who you're ever with... I'll always be there.
[Brian stretches his hand over to the other side of the bed to stop the alarm, wakes up, and realizes that Justin is in his bed.]
Brian: What the fuck are you doing here?
Justin: You said I could stay.
Brian: Right. Your parents. They think you're at a friend's. [Rises to sit on the bed, notices the mess in the loft] Jesus Christ! What the hell happened?
Brian: Don't tell me. I was doing handstands.
Justin: And juggling. You're not very good.
Brian: Shit! Why do I do these things?
[Justin tries to answer.]
Brian: I'll tell you why. It was that fucking pig Anita. She told me that was E. That wasn't E, that was some shit they cooked up in a bathtub in Tijuana.
Justin: That's why you should never take drugs that aren't prescribed by a physician or recommended by a reliable pharmacist.
Brian: [laughs] What are you, a public service announcement?
Justin: [talking about Lindsay] She must have really wanted a kid.
Brian: Most women do.
Justin: Even lesbians?
Brian: Lesbians are women. Sort of.
[Michael walks into Brian and Justin, kissing.]
Michael: Christ! Didn't you get enough last night?
Brian: There is no such thing as enough. Besides, I couldn't send him off without a nourishing high-protein breakfast.
Brian: [surprised by the graffiti on his jeep] Oh that's beautiful Mikey. Just beautiful.
Michael: It's not my fault! I've told you about those two psychopaths down the street.
Brian: What? A couple of 12-year-olds?
Michael: They start early these days!
[Everyone at Justin's school stares at Brian's jeep with the word 'faggot' on it.]
Brian: Here we are sonny boy.
Michael: Be sure to come home right after school.
Brian: No lingering on the playground or in the locker room with the gym teacher.
Michael: Oh you did not tell him about that!
Brian: It's the most famous shower scene since Psycho.
Justin's schoolmate: [passes, screams at Justin] Hey Justin, wanna suck me off?
Brian: No! [Gets down from his jeep] But I'll kick your tight little virgin ass so hard you won't sit down for a week!
Justin: When can I see you again?
Brian: You can see me right now.
Justin: I mean later, tonight.
Brian: Who knows where I'll be later tonight.
Michael: We better go.
Brian: I'll see you in your dreams.
Daphne: Where have you been? Your mom called. I didn't know what to tell her. I said you were still asleep.
Michael: Well he's got Brian's eyes and mouth, and Lindsay's nose.
Ted: If he's got Melanie's dick, we're in big trouble.
Michael: You should see the pictures I took, he's so adorable. In one of them he's actually playing with himself.
Ted: Who, Brian?
Michael: No, the baby! Imagine he's only been in the world about an hour and already he's pulling his pud.
Michael [voice-over]: Remember that story we all read in high school, you know the one about the prisoners chained in the cave? Plato or whoever? All they could see were shadows on a wall so after a while they started thinking that was reality. Well, in a way that's what Ted's like. It's been so long since he's had sex with someone he didn't download, he's forgotten that all those perfect bodies and perfect faces aren't real. That no one's really there, that they're only... shadows. Then again, who ever got anal warts in a coatroom?
Justin: Guess what I was doing last night.
Daphne: Sleeping? Same as me.
Justin: Having sex. All night. With that guy I met, Brian Kinney. We did it 'til six in the morning... Well, aren't you shocked?
Daphne: Not really.
Emmett: I could be a... a r-real man, if I wanted to. You know, just lower my voice, stop... gesturing with my hands, make sure my face is expressionless... never, never use words like "fabulous" or "divine"… talk about, I don't know, nailing bitches and R.B.I.'s. But I'd rather my flame burn bright — than be some puny little pilot light.
Michael: We need a secret code word like "Shazam" so that if I get in a tight spot, you can come in and rescue me.
Brian: A tight spot. How about "butt-plug?"
Michael: "Butt-plug" might be a little hard to work into a conversation.
Brian: Because that's what you are pretending you're one of them.
Michael: I couldn't help it!
Brian: You could have told her the truth instead of acting like a scared little faggot. You should have just said, "I take it up the ass sweetheart, deal with it."
[Melanie and Lindsay ask Brian to sign a life insurance policy]
Melanie: It's simply in case something happens to you.
Brian: Like I'm decapitated at a railroad crossing? Or burned beyond recognition in some gas explosion? You know, I can just imagine the grizzly deaths you've conjured up for me.
Melanie: Like, in case you get sick.
Brian: Ah, even better.
Melanie: Considering your life, I mean, when's the last time you were tested?
Brian: Six months ago. I was negative.
Melanie: That's 26 weeks and 182 one-night stands.
Brian: There's only two kinds of straight people in this world: the ones that hate you to your face, and the ones that hate you behind your back.
Brian: So Dawson, how are things down at the creek?
Brian: You know, I'm getting a little sick of people telling me what's my responsibility. If Lindsay and Melanie want to go off and have a kid, that's their responsibility. If what's-his-name, Justin, wants to go out and pick up guys while he's still in high school, that's his responsibility. My responsibility is to myself! I don't owe anybody a goddamn thing!
Debbie: So, you going out cruising after you drop me off?
Michael: No, I've been invited to an all-night orgy.
Debbie: Woo! Sounds hot!
Michael: If you must know I am going back to my gay apartment, taking off my gay clothes and getting into my gay bed.
Brian: I just left a complete stranger in my apartment to come and talk to you so don't run away from me. We need to get something straight.
Justin: You don't do boyfriends.
Brian: Mikey's been talking to you.
Justin: You'll fuck anyone! He's ugly. You don't even know him. And I-- I really thought--
Brian: Justin. I've had you. What happened last night, it was for fun. You wanted me, and I wanted you. That's all it was.
Justin: A fuck?
Brian: Well, what did you think it was? Look, I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking. It's honest, it's efficient. You get in and out with the maximum of pleasure and minimum of bullshit. Love is something that straight people tell themselves they're in, so they can get laid. And then they end up hurting each other, because it was all based on lies to begin with. If that's what you want, then go find yourself a pretty little girl... and get married.
Justin: That's not what I want. I want you.
Brian: You can't have me. I'm too ol-- You're too young for me. You're 17, I'm 28.
Brian: All right, 29. All the more reason. Now go do your homework. [Walks away]
Michael: I wished for a moment that I too could be a lesbian. But then I remembered I'd have to eat pussy, so I said forget it!
Brian: Christ. He'll probably grow up to be straight.
Michael: All the more reason he needs his Dad!
Lindsay: Why does it matter to you that Gus is circumcised?
Brian: It matters that he's been in this world less than a week and already there are people who won't accept him the way he is. They'd even mutilate him rather than let him be the way he is. The way he was born. Well, I'm not gonna let that happen.
Debbie: Em, honey, you should try to eat at least some of your protein off a plate.
Emmett: I read that for every thirty pounds you lose, you gain an entire inch of cock.
Debbie: So if you just drop another 90 pounds, you'll have a four inch pecker!
Emmett [to Brian]: You really showed those dykes who's got the low hangers.
Michael: And for once, it was us.
Melanie: I don't care what men think about their dicks!
Daphne: That's Brian? God, he's so old! And skinny! You could do way better than that!
Debbie: Sweetie, you know that I approve of your lifestyle.
Michael: Maybe I don't want you to approve, maybe I want you to go home and cry.
Michael: What the fuck did you do that for? You practically got us engaged!
Brian: Well, I want to dance with the bride at her wedding. And Tracy, too.
Emmett: I was talking to Dungeon Master Don who wants to mummify me - have you noticed that the world is getting weirder?
Emmett: Why do I always give my heart away to trash?
Ted's mother: Loving someone's not the same as knowing them.
Brian: You know, he's the first. The first almost-dead guy I sort of had sex with.
Michael: You had sex with Ted?
Emmett: You never had sex with Ted!
Michael: When did you have sex with T--
Brian: Sort of sex. At this semi-orgy.
Michael: It could be us.
Brian: No, it could not be us. Because we know better. We know not to believe pretty little blonde boys that tell you that it's really good shit. 'Cause that's what they all say. Ted didn't know that. And he didn't know that you only do drugs with your friends because they're the only one's that give a fuck about you.
Ted's mother: If my son had been straight, if he had taken a woman home, do you think she would have run off and left him there to die?
Brian: Fuck bath-time and fuck you!
Melanie: Fuck you!
Lindsay: Just stop it, both of you!
Brian: So let's cut to the chase. Find somebody else. His mommy, or Michael, or Madonna. I don't care who.
Lindsay: But he chose you.
Brian: Well, he chose wrong.
Melanie: Yeah, that's what I said to him. I said Brian is not the person you want responsible for you life. He's a selfish narcassistic little fucking faggot. And let me tell you something, it's not because you suck cock, it's because you're a little fucking coward! So go! Get out! Now!
Emmett: There's a lot of things we don't know about each other. Like, did you know I used to walk down the street in Hazelhurst, Mississippi and the postman would spit at me?
Michael: I don't know where my father was born. Or even who he is.
Emmett: I sat with my dead grandmother for an hour and held her hand before I told anyone she was dead. How come we never tell each other these things, huh?
Brian: What about us? We don't have any beeps or wires or little white dots telling us we're alive, so how do we know? I guess we just take each other's word.
Lindsay: Maybe we know from what people expect from us.
Brian [to Ted]: Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. For going home with some tweaked out little twinkle and thinking you got lucky. Did he let you eat his ass? Did he let you suck his cock? Well, I hope it was worth it. And fuck you for choosing me. I'd let you lie here forever. How'd you like that? Can you hear me? You know, you're not so bad looking. In fact, you look better like this. You should die more often. Or live. So that I don't have to say yes... yes, I'll do it. I'll give you what you want, what you need. But don't think it's for you. It's not. It's for me.
Debbie: I've always said, it isn't who you love, it's how you love. Genitalia is simply God's way of accessorizing.
Justin: Well, then, I'll go to New York. I'll become a hustler and I'll sell my body to gross old homos!
Vic: I'll give you 20 bucks. [Debbie smacks Vic] Just saving the train fare.
Justin: I'm gonna throw up, I gotta vomit!
Debbie: Upstairs bathroom. The one for guests and drama queens.
[Vic and Michael laugh as Justin runs off]
Debbie: It's not a joke, you know. Gay teens have a very high suicide rate.
Michael: Unfortunately, not this one.
Debbie [to Jennifer]: I know what you're going through... finding out. I mean, I always knew about Michael. In fact, I told him, right? [looks at Michael] To spare him the pain of having to tell me. So, Jennifer, don't ask are you, because it's never a question. Just say, 'I know.'
Ted's mother: I'm sorry, I know that it embarrasses you if I talk too much or I get too emotional. But I can't help thinking that if you hadn't woken up, then I would never have gotten the chance to let you know how proud I am that you're my son. And that it doesn't matter to me what you are, I got over that a long time ago... and that whenever you're feeling alone or that no one loves you, it's not true... because I do.
Ted: I saw you... fucking. When I woke up. I thought I'm in Hell and this is my punishment. Watching Brian Kinney fucking for all eternity.
Brian: You should be so lucky.
Brian: I want it to be you, I'll put it in writing.
Michael: I want it to be you, too. You pull my plug!
Jennifer: He's not a kid, he's a man. His name is Brian Kinney.
Michael: He's not a steady. We went out twice.
Ted: Around here, that's a long term relationship.
Brian: What makes you think I'm even remotely interested that you have a ring through your tit?
Emmett: Hohhot! That must be Prince Charming! [Brian walks in] Make that the Wicked Witch.
Craig: What about AIDS?
Justin: He wore a condom. I put it on him myself.
Michael: I just don't know what you do for a whole weekend.
Emmett: Well, let's see, first you arrive.
Ted: Then you fuck.
Emmett: Then you unpack.
Ted: Then you fuck.
Emmett: And then you go berry-picking.
Ted: Then you fuck.
Michael: I mean after you fuck!
Emmett: You talk. You get to know each other.
Brian: Fuck you. I haven't thought about Michael once tonight.
Ted: What do you know! Just like when he's here!
Justin: If you want to hit me, go right ahead. Only I'm not gonna cry like some little faggot. And if you want to send me away, that's all right too. 'Cause I bet more butt-fucking goes on in boarding school than in the backroom of Babylon. But whatever you do, it's not gonna matter. 'Cause I'll still be your queer son.
Emmett: Time for your temperature! Roll over!
Brian: You're not sticking that thing up my ass!
Ted: Jeez, that accident must have really jarred your brain.
Brian: Don't go after him, Mikey. Don't ever go after anyone.
David: What is it with Brian Kinney? I mean, sure he's good-looking but a lot of guys are good-looking and he's got his fucking charm but we all have that when we want it. But what is it with him?
Melanie: I don't know, what Lindsay says is that he'll do anything, say anything, fuck anything. No excuses, no apologies, no regrets.
Brian: Well, I believe in the power of prayer and... drugs.
David: I told Mikey you'd be all right but he had to come running back.
Brian: What can I say, he's a sweetheart.
David: That's because you're all that matters to him. You're his world, his life. Everything he thinks about, everything he dreams about, everything he knows.
Brian: He's my best friend since we were 14.
David: That's 16 years of waiting. He's been waiting so long he actually thanks he's happy. But you and I both know that he's never gonna get what he really wants, is he?
Brian: Well what is that, Doc?
David: For you to fuck him! And don't tell me you don't know it... and you love knowing it, don't you?
Brian: You've been around for what, a week? You think you know him? You don't.
David: I'd like to. But I never will as long as you're around. Maybe I should just disappear. You'd probably like that and he probably wouldn't think twice about me. But I'm not going to. I'm not going to disappear. Because I want him. Even more than you don't want me to have him. So if you're really his best friend... give him a chance to be happy. To have a life. His own life. Let him go.
Michael: So what is this, adopt-a-trick? First he's a one-night-stand, now he's moved in.
Brian: It's only temporary.
Michael: Until he grows up?
Melanie [to a nurse]: Listen to me. I stay up half the night worrying that he will grow up to be happy, and healthy, and loved. So don't you dare tell me I have no right to be with him. You officious, homophobic cunt!
Brian: He eats with straight people?
Ted: Ice. You never know where their hands have been.
Melanie: If you ever forget you're a Jew, a non-Jew will remind you.
Ted: What are you doing with your arm?
Emmett: I call it the Praise Jesus.
Ted: Looks like you're hailing a cab.
Michael [to David's friend at a dinner party]: That's where I know you from... from the White Party. You gave me crabs!
Jack Kinney: You know you and me, we're a lot alike.
Brian: We are?
Jack: We weren't meant to settle down.
Surferdude: You're making me so hard... yeah, man, you make me so horny! Sorry, typo, I'm so horny!
Brian: Did you guys hear something? A voice from the dead?
Emmett: I need to go into a phone booth and jerk off.
Ted: You're the safe sex poster boy and I'm the happy hooker.
Debbie: I remember the first time I heard your name. Michael says 'there's this new boy in school, Brian Kinney.' For weeks that's all he could talk about. Brian Kinney this and Brian Kinney that. Next thing, you're cutting classes. And then I come home from work one day and I find the two of you 14 and drunk. It was then I knew that you were trouble. And you haven't disappointed me a day since then.
Brian: Well, at least you can't accuse me of being inconsistent.
Debbie: Consistent heartbreak.
Ted: [after finding out his HIV test was all clear] I'm negative.... I'm negative!
Mel: That's okay, happy people can be really annoying.
Ted [to Michael]: Oh for Christ sake, would you shut up already and come to your goddamn surprise party.
Emmett: … surprise.
Ted: Nice job on the gift. Couldn't have been more perfect.
Ted: Yeah... David's present didn't stand a chance. Then again, neither did he.
Brian: Fuck off.
Ted: Just can't help yourself, can you? You make have to make sure Michael regresses permenantly to the age of 12. He's 30, for Christ sake, Brian. Don't you think it's time you let him go?
Brian: Tell you what. I will if you will.
Vic: Promiscuous is anyone having more sex than you.
Emmett: I thought I was being safe... careful.
Vic: Sex isn't careful. If it is you're doing it wrong. It's messy and it's human.
Vic [speaking through the intercom]: Come on up... and get your cock out!
Ted: So, listen. I know there's this part of us that thinks we don't deserve to be loved —
Mikey: What are you talking about?
Ted: Let me finish. So we fall in love with someone we know we can't have and who's never gonna loves us, and we fantasize about the day when all of a sudden he realizes and sees everything he's been missing. You know, and all our dreams come true... only, that day never comes, and before you know it, it's your fortieth birthday, it's your fiftieth birthday and you're still alone. Don't let that happen to you, Michael. Love someone for real, someone who loves you.
Brian: Tracy! I'm so happy that you could make it to Michael's surprise party. Let me introduce you to a few of our guests... David, this is Tracy, Tracy this is David.
David: Tracy, yeah we met.
Tracy: Right, you're Mike's chiropractor.
Brian: He's also his boyfriend. Excuse me, ex-boyfriend. First time they fucked, Michael came like, three times.
[David punches Brian]
Brian: Mike, why don't you buy your friend Tracy a drink? Looks like she could use one... don't go yet Mikey, you haven't even had your cake!
Michael: Fuck off!
Tracy: Do you laugh at me? You and your friends? The boys? Do you laugh at me?
Michael: No... no.
Tracy: I must be a big joke to you, huh? The girl at work? The one who has the crush? She's so funny 'cause she's so stupid!
Michael: It's not like that, I swear!
Tracy: You're a liar, Mike. A liar.
Ted: Well, Brian. You really know how to throw a birthday bash.
Emmett: Too bad all good things must come to an end.
Melanie: Well well well... is anyone surprised? The way he treats people. Am I right? Is there anyone here tonight that hasn't been fucked by Brian Kinney, one way or another?
Vic: Well, what do you know, now Michael has been too.
Debbie: So you finally gave him what he wanted. Good for you.
Lindsay: How could you do that to him, Brian? Your best friend in the whole world.
Brian [to Justin]: Well... aren't you gonna make your big exit, too?
Justin: No. You're gonna need someone to help you clean up this mess.
Debbie [to Brian]: Christ, I was pissed at you last night. Everybody was. Is. But right in the middle of my cussing you out, I finally figured it out. You can't do anything quietly, can you? Everything's gotta be a spectacle. Drama. You couldn't have pushed him... softly. You had to shove him off a fucking cliff.
Michael: Captain Astro uses his magical fasting power!
Emmett: Quit it! It's too early for fasting!
Michael: No, it is never too early for fasting!
[Brian is imagining Ted is Michael]
Brian: So, how was work?
Michael: Fat Marley had this really incredibly hickey and there was a sale on protein powder so every queen in the city was there. Except for you, of course.
Ted: Boring. Work was boring. How 'bout you?
Michael: Don't tell me, you took a client to a really fancy restaurant for lunch and there was this really hot waiter and he signaled for you to meet him in the linen closet and he gave you this amazing blowjob and then you went back to the table and the client never knew?
Brian: How'd you guess?
Ted: I asked you about work.
Brian: Uh, I took a client to lunch and the waiter blew me in the linen closet.
Michael: Liar! You're such a liar!
Brian [talking about Michael]: When you think about, what do we even have in common?
Melanie: Your lives?
Tracy: People who laugh at jokes that make fun of other people, whoever they are, are ignorant and cruel.
Matt: I'm Matt.
Emmett: Course you are. You're always Matt, or Scott, or Todd, or some other wonderful one-syllable name.
Matt: I'd offer to buy you a drink, but something tells me you don't need another.
Emmett: Something tells me you might be right! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go home; it's always nicer to vomit in your own toilet.
Brian: Hey, How's it going?
Justin: What? You actually wanna know?
Brian: Well, I asked, didn't I?
Justin: Everything's fine.
Brian: Good. What are you doing tonight?
Brian: [laughs] Are... These... Particularly... Hard... Questions? Do you wanna come over after work?
Justin: Really? Sure.
Michael: I told her I was an out and proud homosexual and if she didn't like it, she can suck my dick.
Brian: His life was just going to hang there, like some shirt in the closet you never wear.
Justin: So you pushed him away.
Brian: It was the only course of action.
Justin: Yeah, but now he hates you.
Brian: That's okay. As long as Mikey's happy.
Justin: God, you must really love him.
Justin [to Brian]: I'm onto you.
Ty: You... you've got your doubts, don't you? Well, let me ask you a few questions. Do you and your friends obsess about your bodies and the bodies of other men?
[flashback to the gym]
Ted: Check out his pecks.
Michael: They're like, perfect.
Brian: They're like, implants.
[flashes back to Emmett]
Ty: Do your conversations center around trivialities such as movies stars?
[flashback to the Diner]
Michael: Did you hear that Cher had her pussy tightened?
Ted: Where'd you read that, the Inquirer or Popular Mechanics?
[back to Emmett]
Ty: Are your days and nights spent at the gym and in bars, going home with men whose names you don't even know?
[flashback to Woody's]
Ted: So he's coming and he's going, "Fred, Fred!"
Michael: Fred! Who's Fred?
[back to Emmett]
Ty: So, maybe you should ask yourself... is this the life I want for me? Is this the life God wants for me? Is there a better life?
Michael [to Tracy]: When you spend your entire life keeping it a secret, who you really are, you learn to stop trusting people and it becomes second nature.
Ryder: What would they think if they found out that their account exec was involved in a gay sex scandal?
Brian: You mean they wouldn't mind a straight one?
Heather: One night it just happened. We made love on the 18th green. God, I still remember that hole.
Brian: Homophobic corporate America wins again.
Melanie: Oh, please. You can hang a sign on your office door saying 'Blow Jobs 10 cents' and you'd still have it better than any woman and person of color, because guess what? You're a white man which still counts for something in this country.
Melanie: Nothing personal, but I just wish she was here.
Ted: I understand. Most of my dates wish they were with someone else.
Melanie: Oh, don't say that. You're a real catch.
Ted: I know. Just my luck, lesbians find me irresistible.
Emmett: Ted! M-Melanie, hi... this is Heather, my date.
Melanie: I'm sorry, I thought you said...
Ted: He did.
Heather: We're going for pizza. Wanna double?
Emmett: They're not really a couple, Heather.
Ted: I'm a homo.
Melanie: And I'm a lesbo.
Heather: Oh! I thought from the hug that maybe you were normal.
Melanie: We are. What the hell's gotten into you?!
Ted: He's "seen the light."
Melanie: Where they shining it? Up your ass?
Heather: "See the Light" is helping us build a happy heterosexual life.
Melanie: While you're at it, why don't you ask the wizard for a brain?
Emmett: I'm so glad that we amuse you.
Melanie: Who's amused? I'm outraged!
Emmett: Just ignore her, Heather. She doesn't understand.
Melanie: Understand you assholes are setting back the gay rights movement about 50 years.
Brian: Do you know what we'd turn into if we ate all that?
Michael: A couple of fat flabby fags who nobody would want to fuck ever?
Brian: There was always lots of food at your house.
Michael: That's an Italian thing. And there was always plenty of booze at your house.
Brian: Yeah, well, that's an Irish thing.
Brian: Jesus, it smells like a dirty jockstrap.
Melanie: In that case, you should like it.
Justin: He's majorly hung.
Brian: And for once he's not talking about my cock.
Michael [talking about Emmett]: He really is going straight.
Vic: And so are we. Straight to Hell. According to them.
Justin: Doesn't he know that every reputable psychological study done within the past 25 years emphatically states that a person's sexual orientation is determined by the age of six, sometimes before birth, and it's completely unalterable?
Debbie: You tell 'em, Sunshine! A leopard can't change its stripes... and neither can a queer!
David: Mind your own business!
Brian: He is my business, and he's going to be my business long after you're gone.
Melanie [To Brian]: What are you Mr. Teflon? Shit just never sticks to you!
Emmett: Well, this is a surprise. Welcome to "See The Light."
Mikey: The way some of these people dress, they should change it to "Turn Off The Light."
Ted: We just... we wanted to let you know that we still love you. Maybe not as much as Jesus, but almost. And that we're gonna miss you.
Mikey: I'll especially miss the way you dance with your hands over your head. That's the way I'll always remember you.
Emmett: Thanks, but I don't think God appreciates it as much as you do.
Ted: I think God appreciates it even more. Because he created you in his image. At least that's what I was always taught. And since God is love and God doesn't make mistakes, then you must be exactly the way he wants you to be, the way he intended you to be. And that goes for every person, every planet, every mountain, every grain of sand, every song, every tear... and every faggot. We're all His, Emmett. He loves us all.
Ted: I always remember how he used to say "It's just not sex--"
Emmett: "--without something up your butt."
Heather: We've seen the light!
Ted and Melanie: We know!
Emmett: A different light.
Melanie: What about your success story?
Emmett: Oh, we were a success story.
Heather: We shared it with the group.
Emmett: Mmmmhmmm. I told them "some of us are meant to eat pussy and some of us are meant to suck cock." But either way - God loves us.
Heather: They agreed that God loves us.
Emmett: And then they told us to get the fuck out.
Ted: You're really back?
Emmett: Honey, my flame has been rekindled and has been burning brighter than ever.
Emmett: Mr. Pettigrew. High school teacher back home in Hazelhurst. He was accused of exposing himself to one of his students. He swore it wasn't true, that the kid was lying because he flunked him.
Vic: And I suppose you're going to tell me he was beaten to death, or hung himself in his jail cell?
Emmett: No. He went to live with his spinster sister in Meridian. When he died a few years later, they say he put in his will that he didn't want his name on his tombstone. Because it was worthless.
Justin: Don't go. You can't go. What are you going to do without me?
Brian: I don't know, I guess I'll survive.
Brian [to Justin]: I won't think of you. When I walk out that door I don't plan on ever looking back. And I expect you to do the same.
Justin: [talking about Brian moving away] I love him, Michael.
Michael: I know. All the more reason to let him go.
Justin: You must not care very much.
Michael: I care more than you'll ever know.
Lindsay: [to Brian] Different doesn't make it better. When are you going to realize that Justin really loves you, even if he is young? At your age, that's not such a bad thing. And that Michael would give up his life for you? And I love you, too.
[Justin is at the computer]
Justin: This is disgusting. Really sick!
Brian: Are you looking at those hetero porn sites again?
Michael: [at the cinema] Man, when I think of all the Saturdays we spent here.
Brian: Yeah, I used to buy a ticket and let you in at the fire exit.
Ted: Your official membership to the Dead Faggots's Society.
Brian: Who are you, the fucking founding father?
Melanie: Who wants some Death day cake? Death day cake? Death day cake?
David: Isn't it great to be in love with a guy who does everything?
Michael: Yeah... hmm... so I guess I'll just go to the beauty parlor and get my nails done!
Vic: They put everything on stamps these days... composers, birds, even the Three Stooges. So when are they going to have famous fags?
Debbie: You can be on the 69 cent stamp, honey.
Brian: You still have me, I'm not going anywhere.
Justin: Do you want to come to my prom with me?
Brian: As what, your chaperone?
Justin: As my date.
Brian: ha... I'd love to. But my prom dress is still at the dry cleaners.
Brian: Yeah, that's just what I need, to be in a dance with a bunch of fucking 18-year-olds.
Justin: I thought you liked fucking 18-year-olds.
Lindsay: [About Justin asking Brian to the Prom] Oh! I think that's so adorable that he asked you! Despite the somewhat questionable difference in you ages, and that fact that emotionally he's 12 years your senior.
Brian: Not going; too old.
Lindsay: Oh, so you're 30, I know. It's so dramatic, but it is something we all go through, if you're lucky enough to live that long, but to carry on like it's the end of your life?
Brian: It is.
Lindsay: It's the beginning! A whole new way of thinking about yourself, feeling a whole new sense of accomplishment.
Brian: That's from the 'La Jeunesse' anti-aging commercial; I wrote that fucking copy!
Lindsay: Oh, Okay. I guess I only quote from the masters...
Ted: Flannel. Isn't that lesbian lingerie?
Blake: I love your friends. They are like family.
Ted: Not like. They are.
Blake: I was afraid of disappointing you or failing again.
Ted: Well, you have. And I can't live with an addict. And I can't make love to an addict. And it sickens me to think about what you are doing to a person I happen to care a whole lot about and who obviously cares so little about himself. So I have no choice. Except to say goodbye.
Brian: Why do you always have to ruin everything?
Michael: Ruin? I'm saving you! Just like Toby Harper saved Captain Astro in issue 231 of Astro Comics, when Captain Astro thought that he lost all of his super powers.
Brian: God, you are so pathetic.
Michael: No, you are! Don't you see that you still have your powers? All of your powers. And you always will. Whether you're 18, or you're 30, or you're 50, or you're 100. You will always be young and you will always be beautiful. You're Brian Kinney, for fuck's sake!
Brian: We gave them a prom they'll never forget.
Justin: Me neither. It's the best night of my life.
Ted: Over there. The red and blue shirt, black hair, big button eyes, cute little turned up nose.
Emmett: Oh, he's adorable!
Ted: He's hot.
Emmett: He's uh...
Michael: Hey Todd, how's it going?
Brian: I'm the most fabulous fag in Pittsburgh. That is, if it's possible to be fabulous in Pittsburgh.
Emmett: [unlocks and opens the door to his apartment] Well, here we are. Home Sweet Dump.
Nurse: Drugs can't fix everything.
Brian: Where did you hear that?
Brian: Who made up the fucking rule that you can't smoke in a hospital?
[Woman walks by and checks out Ted]
Melanie: Too bad you're not straight... [second woman checks out Ted] you could really score big time.
Emmett: It's hard to believe but in this parallel universe you're actually hot.
Ted: Woohoo, lucky me.
Emmett: Pink champagne? Yeah, um, yeah, that's too Nelly even for me!
Melanie: [At Lindsay's sister's wedding] What did she think we were going to do? Perform cunnilingus on top of the wedding cake?
Brian: There you have it, ladies and gentlemen, proof positive that making other people happy can cause nausea, severe cramps, even diarrhea.
Mikey: Got any TUMS?
Brian: Know what TUMS is spelled backwards?
Melanie: I was just saying, I bet you're really looking forward to that Honeymoon. Where were you off to this time?
Ted: Don't they have a lot of pigs there?
Justin: They say I may never draw again.
Brian: Yeah, well, they're always telling people they'll never walk again, or draw again, or piss again, so that when you finally do you'll think they're geniuses and they can charge you whatever the fuck they want.
Brian: Yeah well I can remember. I can remember everything. I saw him... he was coming after you with a bat. But he was moving too fast and you were too far away... I ran... but there was no time to stop him. And then he swung but it was too late. There was nothing I could do. And then you just laid there on the cold cement.
Justin: It wasn't your fault... it wasn't your fault.
[Brian and Justin hug]
Emmett [to Michael]: So um... how was your piece of cake?
Michael: We broke up. It's over. David and I are over.
Michael: I was going to tell you.
Ted: When? After you convinced us you found Paradise Lost?
Michael: When the time was right. But there's never a right time to admit that you failed.
Jennifer: The day the doctor sent him home from the hospital he'd said that he'd never seen such a determined patient and he asked me what it was that made him work so hard. I knew but I didn't tell him... it was you. Every day that you didn't come to see him was more incentive for him to get better and get out so that he could come see you. Of course, what Justin didn't know and I didn't tell him was that you were there... every night. The nurse on duty told me. I want to thank you for that. But he's home now, safe and sound and there isn't any reason anymore for you to watch over him and so... so I would like you to leave. And never see him again.
Brian: I care about him.
Jennifer: It was because of you he was almost killed. Forgive me for being so blunt. I've tried to accept him for who he is. To accept your world and that he's a part of it. I've even tried to accept you. And as a result, I nearly lost him. And I don't intend to lose him again. So if you care about him and I believe you-- I believe you do, you'll do what I ask and return my son to me.
Emmett: No, I mean I really want his ass. Instead of this tired old thing.
Brian [referring to Gus's first birthday]: It seems like only yesterday I was jacking off into that cup.
Vic: We faggots are a talented bunch. You gotta hand us that.
Debbie: Indestructible, too.
[Brian opens the door to let his trick out and Jennifer is standing there]
Jennifer: I came at the wrong time.
Brian: You two have a lot in common.
Brian: What would you like me to do?
Jennifer: Touch him. Help him be touched.
Brian: You want me to fuck him?
Jennifer: Well-- uh-- you're the one he trusts. If that's what it takes.
Justin: [after Brian doesn't reply to why he's letting Justin stay with him] I know why. It's because you love me, madly, passionately, deeply. Just like I always suspected.
Brian: [to Justin] What are you doing all the way over there? Come closer. Do you want to take off some of the clothes? You might get overheated.
Shrink at Woody's: You know for someone who has enough disorders to merit your own classification in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, you are one of the most well-adjusted and high-functioning bastards I know.
Michael: It was awful. All those dirty minded old man staring at me and pinching my ass.
Emmett: It was fabulous. All those dirty minded old man staring at me, pinching my ass.
Emmett: All right boys. I'm off to buff in the buff!
Justin: You kissed me? In front of everybody?
Brian: Yeah. You should have been there.
Brian: [to Justin] And then you turned around, and... smiled. Then I knew why Debbie calls you Sunshine.
Justin: I wish I could remember.
Brian: I wish I could forget.
Michael: I'm right back in the same place I was before and everybody else has moved on. I feel lost, Ma.
Debbie: Oh, baby. You're not lost. You're just full of shit. [slaps Michael] You're only lost if you're alone. You are surrounded by people who love you. You'll find your way.
Melanie: Lindsay Peterson, will you marry me?
Lindsay: Now you're proposing to me? Well, I'm gonna have to think it over... Yes!
Ted: These characters have principles. When you have principles, you don't need orgasms.
Brian: You have principles when you don't have orgasms.
Ted: Even you have to admit, it's important that the straight world sees realistic portrayals of us.
Brian: You call that realistic? And who gives a flying fuck what straight people think?
Michael: They're two uber-passes to Comic-Con. Priority access to all events - a complete comic book overload! One for me and one for you!
Brian: Whoa, dude! The kids at school will like, puke, they'll be like, so jealous.
[After reading Howard Bellweather's article]
Brian: I'm suing the mother-fucker!
Michael: Take it easy, Brian.
Brian: He said I'm 31! I'm 30.
Justin: Is that all you care about? He practically called you a child molester.
Brian: Who should know better than... you?
Michael: I don't think any of us are in a position to judge considering some of the things that we've done.
Ted: I have nothing to be ashamed of.
Michael: I could remind you of a few!
Debbie: Keep it up, Sunshine! The good work that is.
Debbie: I know you're uncomfortable hanging out in gay bars with your mother. But look at this way; If you meet somebody nice, you won't have to bring him home to meet me, because I'm already here!
Michael: God mom, you are such a fag.
Brian: One step at a time. First, we walk back to my place and then I suck you off.
Justin: I can do it myself.
Brian: You can give yourself head?
Brian [to Michael]: It wasn’t stupid when we used to lock ourselves up in your room and read Captain Astro and Galaxy Lad, wishing we were invincible like them, and pretending that no Earthly force could ever separate us like them, and swearing that we’d always be there for each other, like them.
Brian: Dreaming's for people who like to sleep. I'd rather be awake and fucking.
Ted: If you really want to help, grab a nipple and squeeze.
Debbie: So what would make you happy? (Michael looks around)
Brian: Should we hum the theme from Jeopardy?
Emmett: [talking about Ted] Guys, he is in deep shit trouble. We need to have an intervention.
Emmett: Whipping the willy.
Brian: Schmuck. Couldn't even get a decent addiction.
Michael: Life sucks, kid! Better know it now than be disappointed later.
Brian: How's Daphne?
Justin: She and her roommates had to study. Fortunately, that’s not my problem. I went to Woodies, I let guys buy me drinks, they all wanted to fuck me. At least I still have my looks. But, I told them no; I’m saving it for you.
Brian: Aren't you a sweetheart?
Michael: So long lover boy.
Melanie: I think you provide an extremely important service.
Ted: Preparing your taxes? Yeah, great, when's the last time it made you come?
Ted: Internet access? 38 dollars. Adult porn site membership? 29.95.
Michael: Watching men jerk off in the comfort of your own home? Priceless.
Brian: Masturbate the possibilities.
Ben: Excuse me, I'm looking for Wonder Woman.
Debbie: You found her!
Dean Ryerson: We expect our students to master the traditional disciplines.
Justin: Sometimes the traditional disciplines can be handicapped, too.
Brian: [after Debbie, Mel and Lindsey have all kissed Justin] With all this kissing, you're going to turn him straight! [Brian kisses Justin.]
Debbie: Oh, my God! They're gonna do it right here! [Justin and Brian go upstairs] Holy crap! They're like fucking newlyweds!
Mel: I never thought I'd live to see the day!
Lindsay: I think it's wonderful!
Ben: I teach Gay Studies at Carnegie Mellon.
Michael: I knew it!
Ben: You knew what?
Michael: Well with all that talk about cultural references, I knew you had to be.... a professor.
Michael: I haven't a clue what homo eroticism in literature means, I just know that the Flash looks good in tights. Um, you see, I started reading the Flash and Superman and Captain America when I was just a kid, um, at first because it was fun. I liked the stories and I liked the pictures and it was a great escape from all the shit that - sorry - the stuff, that was bugging me. And my mom didn't want me to read them. But later on when I realized that I was... later on when I realized that I was gay, I read them for a different reason. Because in ways that maybe nobody intended, these superheros were a lot like me. At work they were meek and unappreciated and they're the guys that never get laid and uh, when they're around other people they can't let anyone get too close because they're afraid that their true identities will be discovered. Yet with all of the villains and the monster and the evil forces that are trying to destroy them, somehow, they survive. Even the one thing that can kill Superman, the one thing which he has no immunity, Kryptonite, ultimately you know that he'll survive that and he'll go on to save the world. I believe the same about us. That's what the comics have shown me. That despite everything, we'll survive. And we'll win. But, back to the guys in the tights.
Debbie: [about Justin] You think you've got everybody fooled, don't you? Well, not me, honey. I’ve known you too long and regrettably too well. And no matter how hard you try to deny it, I can tell you care as much about him as he cares about you, only you haven’t got the big hairy cojones to say it.
Brian: Maybe I could borrow yours?
Debbie: Whatever it takes... to admit that you love him. And I know that you do, despite all your efforts to never let another heart touch yours. And that’s assuming, of course, you have one. That little persistent kid has somehow gotten in under the wire. And that’s what’s happened, huh? Now admit the truth. You love him, don’t you? [Brian looks at her, then looks away.] I thought so. Then tell him! Tell him what you could never say to Michael.
Brian: You were right. The reason I took you in was because you took a bat to the head. But it’s not the reason I want you to stay. But don’t get the idea that we’re some married couple, because we’re not. We’re not like fucking straight people, we’re not like your parents and we’re not a pair of dykes marching down the aisle in matching Vera Wang's. We’re queers, and if we’re together it’s because we want to be, not because there’s locks on our doors. So if I’m not in, assume I’m doing exactly what I want to be doing: I’m fucking. And when I come home, I’ll also be doing exactly what I want to do: coming home to you.
Justin: Okay. I want some things, too. You can fuck whoever you want, as long as it’s not twice. Same for me. And no names or numbers exchanged. And no matter where you are, no matter what you’re doing, you always come home by 2.
Justin: 3. And one more thing. You don’t kiss anyone on the mouth but me. [They kiss.]
Michael: [reading the personalized dedication in the book Ben gave him]To Michael, beneath whose mild-mannered appearance beats the heart of a superhero... Ben.
[Michael and Ben are kissing, Michael is undoing Ben's pants]
Ben: wait... Michael...
Michael: What for?
Ben: I just want you to know that... I'm HIV positive.
Michael: I should warn you, my friends can be a little...
Ben: Judgemental? Bitches? Condescending?
Michael: You've met them.
Ted: What happens if a condom breaks, or he's flossing his teeth and his gums bleed?
Brian: Or if he shoots his load and you're bending over to tie your shoe and it accidentally flies up your ass?
Brian: Is that a pimple on your ass?
Brian: [to Justin] I want you safe. I want you around for a long time.
Leda: Hi, I'm Leda.
Brian: Melanie's evil ex.
Leda: And you must be the antichrist. Big fan.
Leda: Ever been fucked by a dyke with a dildo?
Brian: Is that an offer?
Michael: [about Debbie] She actually said she wished I wasn't gay!
Brian: Well, I'll always be glad that you're a big fat queer. [They kiss.] You know, she's right. You should forget Ben.
Michael: What the fuck do you know?
Brian: Let's see... I know advertising, and... you.
Brian: Handle it, kiss it, jerk it off, just don't fall in love with it.
Melanie [to Lindsay's parents]: Look, I know what you think about me. I'm the slick Jew lawyer come to shake you down for a few shackles. The dyke who corrupted your daughter. Well, you're wrong. I'm Lindsay's loving partner and Gus's adoring mother. And I know that I will never cause him the pain that you've caused her. He'll never have to wonder whether or not I love him.
Emmett: I can honestly say that there is not one thing hear I'd put in my mouth.
Michael: The next guy that walks through that door is the man I'm gonna live with for the rest of my life.
[Emmett walks in]
Emmett: Oh, Michael, there you are. Rent cheque's due today, sweetie.
Justin: I'm not going to that hetero-hop with a bunch of beer-chugging breeders!
Debbie: Real love when it comes doesn't look like anything you'd expect.
Emmett: [to himself] Well, in a modern re-telling, coach would be a limo, footmen would be the driver and Cinderella would, of course, be a fag rather than a woman, since no self-respecting woman would let herself be enticed into a strange man's home with jewelry, a limo, champagne and caviar!
Justin [to Brian]: I have friends my own age. You're my age... emotionally.
Brian [to Justin]: I just want you to enjoy your youth... I certainly have.
Justin [waking up]: What time is it?
Brian: It's time to take care of your morning hard-on, although it's after noon.
Michael: Sex is different for men than it is for women... the need is more immediate, more intense, at least that's what I've read.
Lindsay: Where, in Field and Stream?
Melanie: Just for your information, Lindsay and I fuck like crazy, we pant and drool like a couple of bitches in heat. Our pussies soak the sheets.
Lindsay: And we go at it a lot longer than the 10 minute tumble you guy's call sex.
Melanie: And you don't even wanna know how many times we get off in a night.
Michael: You're right, I don't.
Brian: Some guys are into prime-aged cock.
Ted: Better hope Justin is.
Michael: [talking about the ideal boyfriend and not realizing that he is describing Ben] He's got to be passionate about life. He's worked hard to survive it, yet he's maintained his humor. He's charming and kind and he does something creative, maybe a writer. He's into spiritual stuff, like Buddha. And he focuses on living in the now, 'cause there's no time to waste... And when I'm with him, I feel like a better person.
Michael: Okay, I don't know anything about basketball. In case you haven't noticed, I'm queer.
Ben: Yeah I love basketball and in case you haven't noticed, I'm queer too.
Michael: Oh, I've noticed.
Basketball Player: [talking about Michael not giving back the ball until Ben agrees to go on a date with him] I suggest you say yes, 'cause if he's like the bitch I got at home, we're gonna be standing here all day.
Ben: Are you out of your mind?
Michael: You've met my mother, do you really need to ask that?
Brian: Jesus, I told him to lay off the Slim Fast.
Brian's mother: [In a church] Wait 'til you see our new minister. I can't tell you what a comfort he's been to me since your father died. He calls, he visits, he makes sure I'm all right. He's been like a son.
Brian: Well, for his sake I sure hope you don't treat him like one.
Brian: Great service.
Reverend Butterfield: I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Brian: I meant at the baths.
Ted: I took Viagra last night! It's been 18 hours and it won't go down! What am I gonna do?
Emmett: Have you tried soaking it?
Lindsay: How about a cold shower?
Brian: How about scaring it?
Justin: That's hiccups...
Ted: Thank you all for caring.
Melanie: What about something that would absolutely turn you off?
Brian: That's a great idea, why don't you two show him your tits?
Melanie and Lindsay: Brian!
Justin: [about himself and Brian] Our sex life isn't what it used to be: we're down to, like, four times a day!
Brian's mom: I'm sorry, am I disturbing you? I was gonna leave this [cake] here by the door with a note but then I thought as long as I'm here...
Brian: … I might as well bang on his door a million times and drive him nuts until he answers.
Joan Kinney: I hope you know it's a sin.
Brian: That I fuck guys or that I didn't tell you?
Joan: You make all the jokes you want. The Bible makes it clear. You're going to Hell.
Ted: Well, don't worry, God still loves you... no matter what.
Brian: Yeah like I give a shit what God thinks about me. He better be worried about what I think about him.
Michael: How do you figure that?
Brian: In all this cold dead universe, we're the only one's that know he exists. Without us... he's nothing.
Joan: I always include you in my prayers.
Brian: What a pal.
Joan: I hope you've come to ask forgiveness.
Brian: Not exactly.
Joan: It's the only salvation there is.
Brian: What about the Salvation Army?
Ted [rejoicing]: I'm soft... you made my dick soft!
Leda: Girls, girls! We may be dykes but we are still ladies.
[Michael is upset that Captain Astro has died]
Ted: Better to join the living. Have a drink.
Justin: Have a bump.
Brian: Have a boy.
George: From what Emmett tells me, you're the love child of James Dean and Ayn Rand.
Brian: George, can I buy you a drink?
Emmett: OK, let me get this straight. Radames, the noble Egyptian warrior, could marry the Pharaoh's daughter and live more than comfortably ever after but instead he runs off with Aida, the slave-girl who happens to weigh like 200 pounds?
George: You're not supposed to notice that.
Emmett: How can I not notice?! Her name should be Aidalot ("I-eat-a-lot").
Emmett: I'm the demon dick of dot com.
Brian: The first time you came here you didn't know anything about me. I could have done anything to you.
Justin: I was pretty sure you were going to fuck me.
Brian: I just dropped by to let you know that I'm not gonna be at the wedding. I'm going to the White Party in Miami instead. Later!
Lindsey: You can't ditch my special day!
Mel: You selfish prick!
Brian: As usual, objectivity falls to me. Think - you don't really want me there, do you? I have to be chemically depended just to show up. I'll be drunk, I'll be bored - not to mention better looking than the brides. I'll offend all the dykes, I'll heckle the ceremony, table dance at the reception and inevitably fuck every good looking guy - gay, straight or undecided - in the place. Finally, I'll pass out - naked - bitching about the cheap booze.You'll lose your dignity, your friends and your shirts paying for the damages. Hell, I'm doing you a favor getting out of town.
Mel and Lindsey: … Have a safe trip.
Ted: [out of breath] I can't go on. We've walked how far, 100 blocks in 100 hours?
Michael: Try two blocks in about 11 minutes.
Ted: Oh. Seems a lot longer when you're shopping for lesbians.
Brian: Competition: world class. Wardrobe: crucial. Margin for error: zero. So long, Pittsburgh; hello, Miami Vice!
Justin: I thought your all-expenses-paid fuck-fest was just for the weekend?
Brian: Each beach party has its own theme and a strict dress code. The White Party: 15,000 horny queers all in white.
Justin: I'll be busy, too. I have a paper due on Renaissance art...
Brian: Then there's the muscle beach party...
Justin: Then there's the laundry and, of course, the wedding...
Brian: I mustn't forget the Cowboy contest...
Justin: I have to remember to write to my Grandmother...
Ted: Look, just take it back.
Michael: I can't take it back!
Ted: What store did you buy it at?
Michael: I didn't get it at a store!
Ted: Where'd you get it?
Michael: Off a blanket.
Ted: A blanket?! You bought Lindsay and Melanie's wedding gift from some street corner Sister?!
Michael: It's from Chuck, it's a little country next to Chad.
Ted: Chuck, Chad, they sound like a couple of homo's!
Michael: It's the perfect gift.
Ted: Perfectly hideous!
Michael: It's a work of art!
Ted: It's a piece of shit!
Michael: It's symbolic of love and pride!
Ted: It's symbolic of stupidity and bad taste.
Michael You take that back!
Ted: I can't! [in a mocking voice] I got it off a blanket!
Michael: Look, the next time you want to buy a gift, buy it yourself!
Ted: That's what I was counting on you for.
Michael: You were too busy bringing joy to the world.
Ted: That's because I'm a success!
Michael: You can take your success and shove it... I'm sure you won't have any trouble figuring out where!
Ted: Yeah, I'll just ask Chuck and Chad!
George: Anyone who values themselves because of their ass... is an ass.
Brian: Christ, send in a dyke to do a faggot's work.
Brian: My pecker's all a-twitter.
Brian: So you're standing me up to see two dykes tie the knot?
Justin: Yeah, I guess I am. You're angry?
Brian: I think you are a selfish heartless asshole... Keep up the good work!
Debbie: [about Carl Horvath coming to the diner] So, what are you doing here?
Carl Horvath: It's a diner, isn't it? It's lunchtime, isn't it?
Debbie: It's a little early, isn't it? [taking Horvath's order] What will it be?
Carl Horvath: Uhm.. A meatloaf sandwich, a side of fries and how about you and me going out tomorrow night?
Debbie: Yeah, that last item isn't on the menu.
Debbie: He's not my type.
Vic: He's alive and he's got a dick. What more do you need?
Brian: Maybe we can hang it.
Brian: Then you can tell everybody you're hung.
Justin: I already do.
Brian: I'll give you 5000 dollars.
Justin: What for?
Brian: The drawing.
Justin: It's not for sale.
Brian: No... just you.
Brian: The reason you don't have a boyfriend is because you don't want one.
Ted: I don't?
Brian: If you had one it would challenge the well established opinion you have of yourself as a worthless sac of shit that nobody wants; therefore, you go after guys you know will reject you and you stand around here and bitch like a high school girl, when in fact you got exactly what you want, mainly, nothing.
Ted: Thank you Doctor Kinney, you've saved me years of therapy, not to mention several thousand dollars.
Michael: She hit me! My mother fucking hit me!
Ted: She's always hitting you.
Brian: That's how she shows her affection.
Michael: I mean for real.
Brian: Well, what did Mikey do?
Michael: I don't wanna talk about it..... I told her she was pathetic for dating that fag-hating cop!
Ted: You know, if she keeps this up we're gonna have to take her honorary queer button away.
Michael: Where are her values? Her principles?
Brian: You know how it us when you want cock, they're the first things to go.
[talking to Michael about Debbie dating Horvath]
Brian: All your life you've been her little man and all of a sudden some big ol' dick pops up, threatens to take her away... you're hurt, you're angry... mad enough to kill.
Ted: One more word out of you and I'm throwing you out of the car... okay? even if it is yours.
Ted: [To Brian, when they're being pulled over by the police] Do you have anything on you?
Brian: Yeah, 16 pounds of cocaine and 24 ounces of heroin.
Ted: This is no time to be funny!
Brian: Who's being funny?
Police officer: Are you aware you were speeding?
Michael: Oh, that must be why it felt like we were going so fast.
Police officer: You were doing 60 in a 35 mile zone.
Michael: Oh, what do you know, math. Give the officer a jelly doughnut.
Police officer: Excuse me, sir?
Michael: Look, don't you have anything useful to do? Like arrest a murderer?
Ted: Jesus, what the hell are you doing?
Police officer: Do you have a problem with police officer's sir?
Brian: Only one's that are boffing his mother.
Michael: Shut up, asshole.... just give me the goddamn ticket.
Ted: Aw, now he's done it.
Police officer: Get out of the car, sir.
Ted: Now we're gonna get arrested.
Michael: What now, so you can work me over?
Ted: Oh, now we're going to jail.
Brian: [Stumbling out of the car drunk, to a police officer questioning the driver] Officer, I would be more than happy to drive these two gentlemen home...
Ted: I'm so disappointed.
Michael: I know, I fucked up!
Ted: I don't mean that. All the porno flicks I've seen that take place in prison always show these hot criminal types in heavy man-on-man action. Nothing like this.
Homeless Man: Not exactly what I was hoping for either.
Brian: I wonder who I have to blow around here to get a triple non-fat latte? [Hunky officer walks in] If you say so.
Justin: Why don't you just admit you don't want to go away with me for the weekend?
Brian: I don't want to go away with you for the weekend.
Justin: At least it's out in the open.
Brian: I want to go away with you for the whole fucking week!
Emmett: Wow, somebody's on the rag.
Brian: Or not getting any.
Melanie: You see how much you get when you have a family to support, a kid to raise, and a major renovation going on under your roof. But, of course you never will because your only responsibility is to your dicks.
Brian: Which is why I'm smiling and you're not.
Leda: Your battery isn't dead, it just needs recharging.
Gardner Vance: Rumor has it that you're gay.
Brian: The rumor's right. But unless I'm fucking you, it's none of your business.
Michael: Want to hear my secret fantasy?
Justin: I don't generally like discussing kink on an empty stomach.
Justin: I want a boyfriend who only wants to be with me. Who wants to stay home every once in a while. Who at least gets jealous when some other guy is sucking my dick right in front of him.
Michael: That's not Brian. It never will be.
Brian: [arriving home, shouting to Justin) Hey sunshine, come congratulate me! Your partner... just made partner!
Melanie: The truth has as much to do with law as gay men have to do with lesbians.
George: You always said 'fuck 'em all'. Well to do that you gotta have fuck 'em all money.
Ethan: She's right, your stuff is the best. So admit it, you're brilliant.
Justin: I'm brilliant.
Nurse: I'm getting the doctor.
Michael: While you're at it why don't you get a brain!
Justin: No matter how shitty things get, I always have art. It's the one place I can go I'll always be safe.
Ethan: I want to be with somebody who only wants to be with me.
Brian: Are you listening?
Michael: [In tears] I'm listening.
Brian: The night Justin was bashed, and I called you and you were about to get on a plane, and you came here and you sat with me for three days, waiting to see if he was gonna live or die; if it hadn't of been for you I never would have made it. It was because of you. You're strong enough for both of us. And you're gonna be strong for Ben.
Emmett [to the Sickle lawyers]: I told you, I never wanted a penny from him. You can take everything. Every cent. But the one thing I won't let you take is what George and I shared. That's mine. And you can't have it.
Justin: So did you! From the first night that we met and he took me home and fucked me, you have wanted me gone. Well, Mikey, you finally got your wish. There's nothing standing in your way anymore. He's all yours.
Lindsay: So you'd rather be alone than be with the one person who loved you enough to almost put up with all your bullshit.
Brian: I never loved him! And even if I did, I'd never ask him to put my needs above his, or be something he's not to make me happy. Tell him if he's not getting what he wants, then go find it someplace else.
Michael: [tastes Debbie's sauce] Ugh! There's no meat in this!
Debbie: The girls wanted vegetarian.
Michael: Lesbian lasagna.
Debbie: For Christ sake Michael, it's not like you have to eat pussy.
[Brian walks in on Michael and Ben undressing about to have sex]
Brian: I leave you two alone for five minutes!
Michael: Christ, Brian! How'd you get in here?
Brian: My widdle key.
Michael: Ben's just moving in.
Brian: Suffering Sappho. You too.
Debbie: The new boyfriend. I'm Debbie; I've been keeping an eye on Sunshine ever since he left home.
Debbie: You got a problem with that?
Ethan: No. No problem.
Brian [to Justin]: I hope you get what you want.
Michael: You must really love him.
Brian: I told him from day one I don't believe in love, I believe in-
Brian: Yeah. Definitely one of my top ten... thousand.
Emmett: You're just jealous because we have what you don't.
Brian: Anal warts?
Ted: A loving, mature relationship... [to Emmett] open up for the choo-choo boo-boo!
Debbie: Since when do gay guys use their fists?
Michael: I don't know how you do it. Working all day, fucking all night.
Brian: Well, they say in the vast infinite of space, the faster you move, the slower you age. I have to believe the same holds true for Pittsburgh.
Brian: I understand. You're in a committed relationship with your... what is that hideous expression? Significant other. Loser.
Ben: He is hurting inside. And the more he's hurting the more he tries to hide it.
Debbie: What an incredibly kind, compassionate thing to say. You really are a hell of a nice guy.
Ben: Thank you, Debbie.
Debbie: Fuck nice.
Craig: What about Brian?
Justin: We're not together anymore.
Craig: Finally, some good news. I'm glad to see you've come to your senses.
Craig: No father could have ever been prouder of his son than I was of you.
Justin: Now you're ashamed.
Craig: … No.
Justin: That I'm not the man you wanted me to be? I am the man that I want to be. I'm the only man that I can be. If you can't be proud of me for that, then that's your problem.
[Lindsay tells Melanie if she wants to have a child, she should have it herself]
Melanie: It's that she's braver. And stronger. And a better woman than I'll ever be.
Debbie: That's the biggest load of horse shit I've ever heard. I'm not telling you it isn't scary, because it's fucking terrifying. And I'm not telling you it isn't painful, although it seems I've forgotten that. But I am telling you that having a kid is the number one top-rated experience in my life. And I'd hate you to see you deprive yourself of all of that because you think you're not woman enough.
Justin: I could be poor for a long time...
Brian: Well, knowing your tastes, you'd better not be.
Emmett: You know the one thing I wish more than anything in the world right now? I wish that I could talk to my best friend, Teddy. He's always so wise and caring and now he's my boyfriend and well, there's just some things you can't say to your boyfriend no matter how much you love him.
Ted: What is it?
Emmett: I don't know what's wrong with me. I mean, I must be crazy. I no sooner get together with this really wonderful guy, then I go and do something with someone that means absolutely nothing to me. I mean, why do I do these things?
Ted: Because you've never met a cock you didn't like. It's part of your charm, so don't be so hard on yourself. That's your best friend speaking. But as your boyfriend, I have to say that what you did was a flagrant betrayal! I'm not sure that I can ever trust you again. Then again, as your best friend, it's understandable you'd give into temptation. I mean, you've been single all these years. It's not easy to just settle down overnight. Still, it's one thing to know that as your best friend. It's another thing to accept it as your lover.
Emmett: I'm sorry, Teddy. For hurting you and for destroying what we might have had.
Emmett: I don't blame you for hating me.
Ted: I don't hate you. I love you. I know you very well... and I still love you.
Emmett: Are you saying that as my best friend or my lover?
[on the phone]
Michael: Where are you?
Brian: Where you never grow old. Where everything is beautiful!
Michael: So there I was stark naked, freezing my tail off, spying on Ben.
Brian: Was he plucking his magic twangier?
Brian: The nutty professor a juice-pig? I am so turned on... here, feel!
Brian: For the life of me I'll never understand why so many gay men want to fuck their bodies up with drugs.
Gardner: Brian, take it easy!
Jim Stockwell: It's okay. I don't mind the truth. Even if you use it as an assault weapon.
Brian: Where'd you get the ring?
Brian: How romantic.
Justin: Fuck all you'd know about romance.
Sunny: [Ted and Emmett's new neighbor] So, where's Mrs. Schmidt?
Emmett: That'd be me!
Emmett: Back in Hazelhurst, I used to look up at those houses on the hill, you know, where the right people lived. And dream that one day I would live there, too. Now that my dream is finally coming true, I don't want people thinking-
Ted: -that we're the fags next door. That's what we're gonna be no matter what you do. If they don't say it to our face, they'll say it behind our backs.
[Brian witnesses Ben buying steroids]
Brian: You're taking him down with you.
Ben: [slams Brian into a locker] I do not need to be lectured by the biggest whore in Pittsburgh, you are fucking lucky you're not positive!
Brian: Ben needs more muscles like I need another cock.
Sunny: You gays can wear anything! Such beautiful bodies!
Emmett: I would give my left tit-- my left arm, for a Cosmo.
Deedee: You know, gay people have the same problems that we do.
Emmett: Isn't it amazing?
Neighbor: I have a cousin who's a lesbian.
Neighbor's husband: Big deal. My brother is a tyranny.
Neighbor: What's that?
Neighbor's husband: Some people are so ignorant aren't they?! A transsexual. Right, guys?
Ted and Emmett: Yeah... yeah... that's right. A tyranny.
Michael: You can't just go around shoving people and acting all crazy!
Ben: You don't understand anything.
Michael: Understand what?
Ben: What it's like to wake up every morning and remember 'oh yeah, I've got this thing,' because you don't have this thing. You never have to take a mouthful of meds, never knowing when they'll stop working, never knowing when a fucking cough or a fucking sniffle may land you in the hospital, because to you, Michael, it is just a fucking cough or a fucking sniffle! And every time I go to kiss you, or suck you, or fuck you, even when we're protected, even then, there is still this shitty nagging doubt that maybe, just maybe you could get infected!
Ethan: Look, fans are gonna want to meet me. Women, guys, they're gonna want to talk, to flirt. They're gonna think I'm sexy.
Ted [to Brian]: Since when did you give a shit about over-stepping the bounds, you're always the first to cross them!
Daphne: [holds up a block of cheese] Smell this.
Justin: [smells] Smells like some guys I've gone down on.
Daphne: That is the grossest most disgusting thing I've ever heard! Eww!
Emmett: We also know that deep down... that you care about us, even though you'd never admit it. Which is why I've--
Brian: I've already told Ted there's nothing--
Emmett: I know what you've told him. I also know what you think about Teddy and me. That we're just a couple of silly queens setting up house, it'll never work. Well, there's a time when I would have thought exactly the same thing. But miracle of miracles, I have never been happier in my entire life. And you want to know why? Because he gives me love. And respect. And now it is my turn to give him something back. I swore to myself that this wasn't going to wind up an old Lana Turner movie, but it looks like that's the direction it's headed. So I'm going to make Lana proud. Please, Brian. I am begging you. Help him.
[Stockwell and Brian have finished up playing Racquetball]
Stockwell: Don't you know you're supposed to let the boss win?
Brian: Why would I do that?
Stockwell: Some people might say it's smart.
Brian: Yeah well, some people are stupid. Why would you trust me if I let you win?
Ben: What's Vic's new boyfriend like?
Michael: They're so alike it's uncanny.
Ben: Same interests? Same temperament?
Michael: Same disease.
[Michael is threatening to stab himself with one of Ben's needles]
Ben: Michael, please!
Michael: Please what? All it would take is a quick jab in the vein and it'd be over in a flash. Hardly feel a thing and then I'd be just like you.
Ben: I don't want you to be like me!
Michael: You said you want someone who knows what you're going through. Who wakes up every morning and suddenly remembers 'hey that's right, I've got this thing,' who thinks every time he gets a cold or the flu, 'this is it, this is the end,' who's filled with the resentment and anger 'cause he can never have kids, and who has to shoot himself up with steroids because his lover died, and he's scared shitless he's next and who has to drive away the person he loves and who loves him! Because he doesn't understand! Well, now I will!
Ben: No, please don't! For gods sake, stop!
Michael: No, you stop! Stop using this shit! Stop hurting yourself. And stop hurting us.
Justin: You're a liar!
Ethan: I didn't want to hurt you.
Justin: That is so laughably, so pathetically lame, I am not even gonna comment on it! Try something else.
Ethan: I was- I was covering my ass.
Justin: That's better. Go on.
Ethan: I was alone. You weren't there.
Justin: Now it's my fault.
Ethan: That's not what I mean. I missed you.
Justin: So, since you couldn't bare to be without me for one fucking night, you decide to pick up some drooling admirer?!
Ethan: Basically, yes.
Justin: So tell me, Mr. Gold, as a last minute replacement, how'd he do? Did he kneel at your feet and worship your huge talent? Did he marvel at your magnificent fingering, did the way you stroke your bow leave him breathless?
Ethan: It was one stupid mistake! Look how many times you forgave Brian!
Justin: I NEVER forgave Brian. I didn't have to. Because he never promised me anything. You did.
Ethan: I need you. I don't know what I'm going to do without you!
Justin: I'm sure you'll survive. After all, you still have your music. It's the only thing you ever really loved.
Emmett: Even if worse comes to worse and you have to go to jail, it won't be so bad.
Ted: How do you figure that?
Emmett: You'll have time to read, and work out. It'll be like a spa vacation.
Ted: Oh yeah, I hear the prison guard's do a great herbal body wrap, and the chef's prepare a fabulous light cuisine.
Emmett: I'll come to visit and we'll make mad passionate love.
Ted: I doubt the state pen allows gay conjugal visits.
Emmett: They did in this film I saw.
Ted: Which one was that?
Emmett: Jeff Striker Does Hard Time.
Brian [to Justin]: Do I detest a discordant note in love's tender refrain?
[Brian convinces Stockwell to not pursue the case against Ted]
Ted: I've been uh, thinking of a way to say this without sounding maudlin, hence incurring your wrath, so I've decided to delete any references to loyalty, friendship, responsibility, and being one's brother's keeper, and go with a simple... thank you.
Brian: Who said I was buying you lunch?
Debbie: [About Brian] I'll never figure out why he does that.
Justin: You mean act like a total shit?
Debbie: When it's obvious he just saved Teddy's ass.
Ted: God bless the Village People. True visionaries.
Emmett [to Ted]: We still have each other. And together, we're going to be just fine.
Brian: You're going to be a great dad.
Michael: What makes you so sure?
Brian: You raised me, didn't you? Look how I turned out.
Ben: [as Michael goes to throw his shoe at something making noise outside his window] Mikey, save your shoes. That only works on cartoon cats.
Ben: How old are you?
Hunter: How old do you want me to be?
Justin: I can't stop thinking about him. Last night I dream about him again. He somehow learned how to levitate and we were fucking mid-air.
Daphne: Wonder what that means.
Justin: Probably that I should see a shrink.
Daphne: It's only natural that these things take time. You know, you gotta somehow get over it. Move on. Tell yourself 'Ethan's history.'
Justin: Who's talking about Ethan? I'm talking about Brian.
Justin: I was going to tell you.
Justin: After I got the job.
Brian: Ah, you don't have the job until I sign off. And I don't sign off until I ask the potential candidate a few questions, such as, what the fuck are you doing here?
Justin [to Brian]: I had no idea that our former relationship was still a problem for you.
Brian: The ubiquitous Justin Taylor.
Justin: Fancy meeting you here.
Brian: Fancy that. Where's your boyfriend?
Justin: I don't do boyfriends.
Brian: Since when?
Justin: Since we broke up.
Brian: What happened to the love that was gonna last an eternity?
Justin: Eternity's aren't as long as they used to be. Buy you a drink?
Debbie: There must be some place you can go, a nice foster family?
Ben: Yeah, it's better than the streets.
Hunter: Yeah? At least my client's pay to fuck me.
Hunter [to Ben]: Who died and made you Superman?
Brian: ...but you're young and inexperienced.
Justin: What and you're so smart? If you had any fucking brains at all, you'd never would have let me leave! You would have told me I was making the biggest mistake of my life, that I would live to regret it, that what you gave me was worth a thousand... a million times more than anything he had to offer. You would have told me that you loved me. That you would go on loving me even after I was gone.
Brian: Is that what you were waiting to hear?
Justin: Yes. But as usual you never said it. So it's just as well that I go.
Brian: That is so like you! You don't hear what you want, so you leave. Try standing up for yourself for a change. Have some balls!
[Justin grabs Brian, kisses him and walks away]
Lindsay: I can't understand why people would ever want to leave their house.
Emmett: When it's so much safer just to close the door.
Lindsay: But if you close the door, nothing will ever happen, will it?
Emmett: Well, you'll just sit there in your safe little room for the rest of your life... wondering what might have been.
Emmett: I feel like the town slut on prom night... again!
Melanie: It's funny, usually when we go to these events it's for my business and Lindsay's there to support me. But tonight, I'm the wife! [walks away]
Ted: Yeah... guess I am, too.
Justin: I gave it some thought, I've decided you should take me back.
Justin: Even though I've made a few mistakes. I think you'd be making an even bigger one not to give me a second chance.
Brian: I see.
Justin: 'Cause now I understand what it is you want of me. And I know what I can expect from you.
Brian: You also understand that you'll be required to work long hard hours, sometimes deep into the night?
Justin: It'll be a pleasure to work under you... sir.
Brian: And you're never to play violin music in my presence again.
Justin: I promise.
Brian: Good. Well, then. You can start... immediately.
Justin: A man cannot live on the backroom of Babylon alone.
Police officer: What are you boys up to?
Brian: We're just looking for a good place to fuck. Know of any?
Ben: So... did you see it? What'd it look like?
Brian: Did it have your cute little turned up nose, button eyes, and perfectly shaped penis?
Michael: You really think so?
Ben: Hey.. hey!
Michael: It's the size of a peanut... the baby.
Debbie: Once upon a Godforsaken time, there was a beautiful princess. She worked her ass off until she popped her kid, and went back to work 3 days later.
Brian: That Diana was an inspiration.
Debbie: The bottom line is I couldn't afford the luxury of not working. I had to earn a living.
Michael: Yeah, but you were 17! Mel's in her thirties, and she's got endo-metri- whatever the fuck it's called and now she's taking on the biggest court case of her life!
Brian: Yeah, and don't forget; she's a crazy lesbian!
Ben: So I got a call telling me my nephew was in the hospital... which was surprising since I don't have a nephew.
Hunter: You do now... Unc.
Debbie: Don't pick up any strangers!
Brian: Unless they're hot.
Justin: You also once told me you wanted me to be the best homosexual I could possibly be, which includes not giving a shit what anyone tells me. Think for myself. Stockwell is a homophobe. He's a fascist, and he's a threat to everything and everyone we know.
Ben: [on Hunter's HIV status] There are no words to take away the illusion that every kid is entitled to: his invincibility.
Brian: Stockwell's finally done it. We're just to stay at home and fuck in our beds.
Justin: You're the one who helped him turn us into straight law-abiding citizens.
Dr. Crystal: They shut down the back room of Babylon, can you believe it? So we're going to my place to fuck.
Emmett: That's... nice.
Justin: Margarita Lopez.
Stockwell: Excuse me?
Daphne: Margarita Lopez. Was a transsexual. She was murdered five years ago. Her killers have never been found.
Stockwell: The Pittsburgh PD does it's best to solve every crime; however, there is always the occasional-
Justin: Jefferson Proctor.
Lindsay: Jefferson Proctor. Was a gay African-American. Shot to death half a block from Woody's. Crime unsolved.
Justin: Natasha Ginsberg.
Melanie: Natasha Ginsberg. Age 61. A lesbian out walking her dog. Stabbed to death. Killers still at large.
Justin: Justin Taylor.
Jennifer: Justin Taylor. My beautiful gay son. Attacked at his prom, left for dead, police reported it as a simple assault, instead of a hate crime, which it was. His attacker got off with community service.
Stockwell: Ladies and gentleman, I want to thank these concerned citizens for reminding me of the violence that threatens and sometimes claims the lives of members of this community; however, the vast majority of violence crimes are solved and the criminals apprehended.
Debbie [holds up a poster of Jason Kemp]: What about him? Did you do your best for him?
Stockwell: I remember that boy. His murder was tragic, someone so young.
Debbie: Then what was his name?
Stockwell: I may not recall his name but I do know-
Justin: Jason Kemp.
Debbie: His name was Jason Kemp. And the reason you don't remember it is because no one on your police force was ever able to find out what it was. But I did! The waitress who found his body in a dumpster behind the diner where I work. Jason Kemp AKA Dumpster Boy! Murder unsolved.
Michael: You know we're lucky.
Brian: That our hairline hasn't started to recede?
Michael: That no matter how much you hated your parents or no matter how much my mom drives me crazy, they never tried to give us away.
Brian: Speak for yourself.
Brian[to Justin]: When did you get to be such a clever devil?
Gardner: That still doesn't explain why Brian would do such a thing.
Stockwell: Because he's a fag.
Brian[to Stockwell]: What's the matter, haven't you ever seen two guy's fucking before?
Gardner: I want to know why you would do such a thing. Sacrifice your future as well as this agency's, for what?
Brian: You wouldn't understand.
Gardner: Why not?
Brian: Because you're straight.
Debbie: I brought tuna macaroni. It was your favorite as a kid.
Brian: No it wasn't.
Debbie: Don't argue with me; you fucking loved it!
Justin: I could always make my mother's meatloaf, honey. And we could look at photo's from when we took the kids to Disney world.
Horvath: You just described half the guys on the force.
Ted: I felt so good... for once. All those voices that tell me that I'm shit, that I'm nothing, that I'm ugly... were finally gone. I felt so hot, so sexy... the way Brian must feel all the time. Everybody wanted me. And I wanted them. Could fuck a room full of guys and still fuck some more.
Emmett: Well, you don't need them now... cause you've got me.
Justin: Look at all these old guys...
Brian: It's sad, isn't it?
Justin: Yeah, some of them are even older than you are. But I guess at their age if they want it, they gotta pay for it.
Brian: Another reason to die young.
Justin: Or to accept the fact that youth and beauty are fleeting. That time will inevitably leave its mark. And that we should accept our mortality with grace and dignity.
Hunter: Look who's here. Come to find me?
Brian: Yeah you're all I've been thinking about.
Hunter [to Justin]: Fuck off.
Justin: Excuse me?
Hunter: I said get lost. I saw him first.
Justin: Fucking teenagers... I don't know how anyone puts up with them.[Brian looked at Justin]
Hunter: So how about expressing your appreciation?
Justin: He already has three times with me.
Hunter: What do you bother with that for? How much is he charging you?
Brian: [looks at Justin] a hundred?
Justin: [Justin nods] He refuses to pay though.
Hunter: I don't blame him. I wouldn't give you ten bucks.
Michael: You fucked a murderer?!
Hunter: What's the big deal? I used a condom.
Brian: Well, your safe sex lecture paid off.
Michael: He already has a boyfriend!
Hunter: You do?
Brian: In a non-defined, non-conventional way, yeah.
Michael: Why do you do it?
Hunter: I have low self-esteem, I was serialized at too early an age, it's exciting, fun, and a great way to make non-portable income.
Michael: I would like an honest answer, smart-ass!
Brian: He just gave you one.
Horvath: He retired a year ago... said he was under a lot of pressure.
Brian: I'm sure that murdering someone can be very stressful.
Brian [to Justin]: If someone had told me what you were up to I would have fired your ass... if I didn't have my dick inside it.
Horvath: You were right.
Brian: That's my three favorite words after nine inches cut.
Debbie: About what?
Brian: The cream.
Debbie: What did it turn?
Horvath: It matches that found in Jason Kemp's rectum.
Debbie: For your information I just poured it!
Brian [to Kenneth Rickert]: That kid you picked up out front the other night? What a rascal! He must have snatched a condom you used, and, guess what? The police did a little science project and your little swimmers and the ones found in Dumpster Boy's ass are members of the same team. [Raises glass] Bottoms up!
Stockwell: I'm sure you've been following the campaign.
Brian: No, actually, I've been so busy shopping and blow-drying my hair.
Brian: No apologies, no regrets.
Emmett: Little Mary Sunshine died. I'm Little Mary Go-Fuck-Yourself.
Ted: Let me tell you something, no matter how many fancy parties you give or how much money they give you to give them you'll always be a piece of trash from Hazelhurst, Mississippi.
Emmett: I don't need you to tell me that, because I tell myself that every day. But at least I am not a tweaked out FUCKED OUT CRYSTAL QUEEN!
Ted: I don't want to be me anymore. I hated that person. For the first time in my life, I am relaxed, I am happy, and I am having FUN!
Emmett: You call this fun? This is pathetic.
Emmett: I am just a silly faggot.
Melanie: No. You stood beside your partner no matter what anyone said. And that makes you a very loyal, very brave faggot.
Debbie: You're a good man, Michael.
Brian: Leave it to a queen to turn anything into a drama.
Justin: I couldn't say 'I'm sorry' to someone who would rather see me dead-- all of us dead-- than be part of his family friendly world.
Brian: So you sacrifice everything?
Justin: Sometimes you have to for what you believe in.
Brian: This used to be such a magical kingdom, full of sprites and fairies.
Justin: Now it's like watching the Wizard of Oz in reverse.
Brian: Cops in the streets, cops in the bars, cops in the clubs... it's fucking depressing.
Justin: Unless you're into cops.
[They kiss in front of two cops]
Debbie: What are you two doing?
Brian: What does it look like we're doing... we're cop-ulating!
Lindsay: Emmett, sweetie, you can tell me it's none of my business and to butt out, but if Ted wants to destroy himself that's his choice. Don't let him destroy you, too.
Emmett: Lindsay, sweetie, it's none of your business. So butt out.
Emmett: Tough... that's what my daddy used to say. He even bought me boxing gloves to teach me how to be a man.
Melanie: I love boxing.
Emmett: Of course you do. I glued rhinestones on them.
Melanie: Of course you did.
Emmett: Lover... how I used to love that word.
Emmett: You're an addict.
Ted: I'm not an addict!
Emmett: I'm sorry, sweetie, but it's true. That's what you are. And if that's what you wanna be, fine I can't stop you, but I sure as hell am not gonna join you.
Debbie: It ain't over until the... slightly-overweight-but-still-working-on-it lady sings.
[Brian asks Emmett to dance]
Emmett: You know, we've never done this before.
Brian: It's a shame. We'd make such a lovely couple. We're both... tall.
Brian: You also need to move on.
Emmett: I have.
Brian: And forget about him. He's dead.
Emmett: He's not dead.
Brian: Well, he will be, soon enough. But that's his problem... keep dancing.
Emmett: I don't know how you do it.
Brian: It's easy. Just put one foot in front of the other.
Emmett: I mean be so heartless.
Brian: Well, it takes a little practice but eventually you get the knack.
Emmett: Well, I could never be like that.
Brian: Sure you could... [Emmett starts walking away] Then go back to him, show him how much you care... and let him kill you, too.
Justin: Brian! Why are you getting rid of your naked guy painting?
Justin: I can't believe you did this. It's so...
Justin: Out of character. What made you do it?
Brian: Some asshole told me that if you believe in something strongly enough, you have to be willing to sacrifice everything.
Debbie: This establishment reserves the right to refuse service to anyone. And that includes anyone who has not performed the single most important act expected of each and every American?
Brian: Anal sex?
Michael: Hey what's the line for?
Man: To vote.
Brian: Oh, I thought they were handing out free poppers.
Man: In case you haven't heard, there's an election.
Brian: No shit. Who's running?
Ted: I uh... got myself into a little trouble.
Blake: It's okay. You don't need to explain... Listen um, I'm going to group. Do you want to come with me?
Ted: Well, you know, I did sign up for the Badminton tournament.
Blake: You're still funny.
Ted: Yeah... [they walk] Last time I saw you was...
Blake: When you brought me here.
Ted: Now you're back.
Blake: You could say that.
Ted: Guess it isn't easy getting off this...
Blake: You'll do it. [they walk into the group room and sit down] Well, let's get started. My name is Blake and I'm your counselor.
Lindsay: You know what this reminds me of? Homecoming queen.
Brian: There was a lot riding on that election as well.
Lindsay: Waiting all night for the votes to be counted. Fortunately, I won.
Emmett: You too?
Vic: Not to resort to trite musical theater references at the 11th hour, but I've been through Nixon, Reagan, two Bush's, and I'm still here. And kiddies, if I can survive all that and more, we'll survive this, too.
Justin: [toasts] the abominable spirit of queers everywhere.
Debbie: We may have been the last vote to be counted, but we're the vote that counted the most!
Debbie: A word of advice, my sweet Emmett. Mourn the losses, because they're many; but celebrate the victories, because they're few.
Brian: My God, do you have no respect for authority? The law?
Michael: I had to do something.
Brian: So you risked it all? Mikey you are so-
Michael: Pathetic, I know.
Brian: I've lived with a mother; it's a fate worse than birth.
Justin: Jesus Christ, Brian. Now you don't even have a car.
Brian: Yeah, I guess I've lost everything.
Justin: [Puts his arm around Brian] Not everything.
Justin [to Brian]: You may be a Pauper but you drink like a Prince.
Debbie: It's been three days! Three fucking days and not one fucking word! … except for this strange cryptic message 'Don't worry, Ma. I'm all right.'
Justin: Doesn't sound strange or cryptic to me.
Debbie: It's the first time since Michael's learned how to pick up a phone that we haven't talked three times a day.
Brian: I know... it explains so much.
Michael [to Hunter]: Listen to me, you little asshole! I risked EVERYTHING for you! Now you're gonna do what I tell you, we are gonna go back and fight and then we're gonna try and turn you into a normal human being, which at the moment, flapping my arms and flying to the moon seems like a better bet... move it!
[Michael brings back Brian his car]
Brian: It's like that time in 7th grade when I lean you my brand new 10-speed and you brought it back... the front fender was crushed, my seat was torn-
Michael: I was hit by a bus!
Emmett: I'd rather stay here, get shit-faced.
Brian: You've passed shit-faced about 10 miles back.
Jennifer: Hi honey.
Brian: Hi honey.
[Brian is selling his loft]
Justin: It's more than that... it's where we made love for the first time.
Brian: That wasn't love. I just gave you a rim job and fucked your brains out.
Justin: It was love to me.
Vic: We met at a fairy gathering.
Emmett: The Tony Awards?
Emmett: You're not gonna get better sitting on the sofa. So why don't you take your sardonic wit, and your superior 'I'm not like all those other losers' attitude and get your ass back there.
Ted: So they can fix me? It's too late. I'm beyond repair. I have nothing. No future, no friends, no job, no lover. What's the point? Might as well be dead.
Emmett: Then do it. Go on. Kill yourself. You'd be doing us all a favor. Only don't be a man about it. Be a Queen.
Justin: Now you and half of gay Pittsburgh can sleep soundly in your bed tonight knowing the loft is still yours.
Brian: Half of gay Pittsburgh can sleep soundly in their own beds. [kisses Justin]
Justin: Last time I was here it was No Towel's Night.
Brian: A hundred guys must have touched my stiffy.
Justin: Mr. Popular. And I'm the only one you fucked.
Brian: What do you say we christen my new office? I have 15 minutes before I have to approve ad copy.
Justin: Always the romantic.
Michael: From now on there will be no lewd comments, no more sexual innuendo.
Hunter: So much for conversation.
Ben: I thought the gay gene provided us all with an innate ability to re-decorate, accessorize, and arrange flowers.
Michael: I think mine's recessive.
Justin: What's the matter? Are you scared?
Brian: [Laughing] Yeah, I'm incapacitated with fear...
Cody: Mind if I ask you a question, Pastor?
Cody: This book, you have to believe all of it, not just some of it, right?
Pastor: That's right.
Cody: So, do you like shrimp?
Pastor: Well, as a matter of fact I do.
Cody: Because in Leviticus, a few scriptures before that man lying with man is an abomination one, it also says it's an abomination to eat shellfish, and shrimp are shellfish, right?
Pastor: What's your point, young man?
Cody: I believe the point is, if you can eat shrimp, we can eat cock.
Pastor: Son, you need the Lord. You need to accept Jesus.
Cody: Oh, I accept Jesus. It's assholes like you, I have a problem with.
[Ted is sharing at AA]
Ted: I'm Ted, I'm a crystal meth addict.
Everyone: Hi Ted.
Ted: This is my sixth week of recovery. Uh, I guess it all started about a year ago or so, I was struggling with feelings of worthlessness and depression, no longer had the will to go on. So in a moment of despair I decided to try what-
Brian: Come on. I need you.
Ted: Jesus, Brian, can't you see I'm sharing?
Brian: [looks around at the group] It's nothing you haven't heard before. Did drugs, fucked around, hit bottom, regrets it deeply... Let's go.
Brian: You were fucking amazing.
Ted: Yeah, I was pretty good, wasn't I?
Brian: The way you were going at it... there was no stopping you.
Hunter: You guys don't have to whisper, I have 20/20 hearing.
Brian [to Ted]: That was a lovely testimony... it was worthy of AA... Accountants' Anonymous.
Brian: I could think of so many more interesting things to do with my right hand.
Justin: Sounds like you have no shortage of targets.
Cody: I bet you have a few, too.
[Discussing the latest issue of Rage]
Debbie: Gratuitous man-sex is one thing, personally I don't mind it...
Michael: We know.
Debbie: But gratuitous violence, that's another story.
Ben: Actually, I don't consider it gratuitous. In fact, I'd argue that disturbing as these images may be, they are a legitimate expression of every gay man's outrage of being victimized and therefore can be justified as a passionate and uncompromising work of art.
Emmett: Careful Brian, you're dripping. I don't want any stains on the sofa.
Brian: Oh! Not yet anyway.
Brian: [To Michael] You wanna bite? And you can have some of my sandwich too...
Michael: I told Ben a lie. A big fat lie.
Brian: Okay... who'd you fuck?
Michael: No one.
Brian: Oh. Then make it quick.
Michael: I finished his book three days ago... but I told him I'm still reading it.
Brian: That's it? That's the big fat... no. A big fat lie is I won't cum in your mouth.
Emmett: Just don't cum on the sofa!
Brian: You're not running around the streets with a concealed weapon!
Justin: I told you-
Brian: -it's necessary, so that you and Cody can be the gay avengers?! Heroes of the resistance? Martyrs to the cause?
Justin: We're trying to stop violence before it happens!
Brian: By starting it?
Brian: I have no practical skills whatsoever in talking lesbians out of trees.
Brian: Gonna lie there sharpening your claws and feeling sorry for yourself or you gonna get your ass out of bed?
Melanie: Jesus, Brian, you could at least knock.
Brian: If I would have knocked you'd have told me to fuck off.
Melanie: Fuck off.
Brian: Too late! Now then. Show me on the doll where the bad man touched you.
Ben: Whatcha reading pal?
Hunter: Catcher in the fucking Rye. Ever hear of it?
Ben: Variation thereof. What do you think?
Hunter: I think Holden Caufield's a fag.
Ben: Hmm. How do you figure that?
Hunter: Catcher is a bottom right?
Ben: I am going to call the Dean of Carnegie Mellon tomorrow to see if there's a position in the Lit department.
Brian: Say somebody bashes you, nearly kills you. Does that give you the right to go out and do the same?
Ben: Of course not.
Michael: 'Cause two wrongs don't make a right.
Ben: Besides, there are laws.
Brian: But what if the law failed to protect you? What if the law doesn't give a shit? Then what?
Michael: Then I guess you'd have to take the law into your own hands.
Ben: No no no... violence is never a moral option.
Brian: But doing nothing... letting someone bash your brains in, it is?... Thus, the conscience does make cowards of us all.
Daphne [to Brian]: Mind if you hit on me later? I have to talk to you.
Emmett: There's only so much fucking your brains out one can do.
Debbie: … you have a temperature, honey?
Debbie: How was your last trick?
Emmett: Big dick... teeny brain.
Debbie: The best kind!
Justin: I want you to apologize.
Chris Hobbs: For what?
Justin: For bashing me, for causing me brain damage and permanent injury, for giving me nightmares every night for two years, for filling me with fear every time I walk out the door, for treating me like a sub-human who doesn't deserve to live.
Chris Hobbs: That's what you are, Taylor.
Justin [to Chris Hobbs]: Now you know what it feels like... the fear that all faggots feel all their lives, walking down the street holding hands, because of asshole's like you! And you know what? We're tired of it.
Cody: Do it... do it! What the fuck are you doing, you can't stop now.
Justin: Get up. Go inside. And I wouldn't call the police. You wouldn't want to tell them some faggots made you shit your pants.
Cody: You coward! You let him get away! You had him! You could have had him but you were too chicken-shit. You're like all the other faggots. You're too afraid. You're all cowards and they know it. You could have ended it. Faggot! You are no different than the rest of them! You deserve what you get! [Cody continues to yell as Justin walks away]
Michael [to Debbie]: Remember what you always told me? Blood is thicker than marinara sauce.
Brian: Are these rates firm?
Cynthia: As my abs... I bought one of those machines.
Emmett: It's very admirable, Ted, admitting your mistakes. Everyone forgive you?
Ted: So far.
Emmett: Must make you feel better.
Ted: Can't tell you how relieved I am.
Emmett: Good for you. But what's reading this letter gonna do for me? Hmm? Will it take away all the damage that's been done? All the pain that's been inflicted? Will it make up for my feeling inadequate and helpless? Or erase all those memories of you descending into your addiction while you tried to drag me down with you? Sorry, Teddy. You'll just have to get your feel-good fix from someone else.
Michael [to Ben]: Come on, stay and watch for a few minutes. I'll sit on your lap.
Brian: You know the problem with our extra-circular one fuck only policy?
Justin: Is it that after a while you start asking yourself... am I doing this because I want to do it or because I need to do it? And if I need to do it, is it to prove to myself I'm still young and attractive? Or 'cause I think I'm unworthy of being loved?
Brian: Or maybe it's because I've had every unshockable guy in this city.
Lindsay: If I wasn't already a dyke, he'd have me diving for the nearest muff.
Melanie: And it's right here, baby.
Blake [to Emmett]: He's not asking for your forgiveness. He's asking you to acknowledge his pain for having hurt you. After that it's up to him to forgive himself.
Justin: A man that got away, huh?
Brian: And I was halfway up his ass.
Justin: He must have heard that nasty rumor... you know, the one about you having crabs.
Brian: [scoffs] I wonder how that happened.
Lindsay: I thought you should know, I'm happily married.
Sam: Yeah, who's the lucky guy?
Lindsay: He's not a guy, he's a woman.
Sam: All the better. Call her. We'll have a three-way.
[Lindsay punches Sam]
Michael: Uncle Vic is gone. He passed away.
Hunter: I thought the meds were supposed to keep you alive? Not kill you.
Ben: Doesn't always work that way.
Brian: Vic was on his death bed four years ago. All this was gravy. We knew that.
Debbie: What did you say?
Brian: Going this way... could have been a lot worse. If you ask me he was fucking lucky.
Debbie: [slaps Brian] Nobody fucking asked you. And who the fuck are you to decide how long he should have lived?
Brian: The truth hurts.
Debbie: Get this shithead out of my house.
Justin: I can't believe you're thinking about sex at a time like this.
Brian: At a time like this it's exactly when you should be thinking about it.
Trick [to Brian]: I just thought you should know you have a lump on your left testicle. If I were you, I'd have it checked out. Sooner the better.
Brian: Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't.
Michael: My Uncle Vic was the first person I ever told I was gay. He laughed and said, "thank god, now your grandmother will have someone Else's soul to pray for."
Michael: What the hell are you doing?
Hunter: Smoking your hidden joint, what does it look like?
Ben: Michael, we can't tell him not to do drugs if we do it ourselves.
Michael: Of course we can! That's what parenting is all about.
Brian: In bed.
Brian: You're supposed to add "in bed" to the end of every fortune.
Justin: I was thinking... on the floor.
Debbie: I can't tell if these branches are tops or bottoms.
Emmett: You gotta ask another tree about that one.
Lindsay: Gus has been saying Dada all day.
Brian: So he's developed a sudden interest in German Surrealism.
Lindsay: Isn't he a little young for James Dean?
Brian: Well, you don't want him to watch Teletubbies, do you? It might make him gay.
Ben [about Hunter]: He's the one who is 16, who's positive, who is dealing with an HIV-related death for the first time. Try to imagine how terrifying that must be. So, if he's acting out right now it's because he's scared shirtless.
Michael: I'm sorry. I didn't even think about it.
Ben: Why should you? You don't have it.
[Brian has been acting uninterested in sex with Justin.]
Justin: He's never turned me down before.
Emmett: I have to admit, that doesn't sound like the Brian Kinney we all know and... feel ambivalent about.
Emmett: I've always been such a silly slut for that accent. One "cheerio" and my legs are up pointing north!
Emmett: There was a part of me that didn't want you to recover... wanted you to be in pain. Felt like you deserved it. Pretty runty, huh?
Ted: Not really. Felt the same way myself.
Michael: They [Hunter and Ben] could die just like him and I'd be the one left to pack up their stuff and turn out the lights.
Brian: Just because they're positive doesn't mean they're gonna be the first to go. Hell, it could be you. You could step out in the street, get hit by a Mercedes compressor. So much classier than a bus. Go down to the post office to buy a stamp, get blown away by a disgruntled postal worker. In case you haven't noticed these days, they're all disgruntled.
Michael: I just get scared of the thought of being alone.
Brian: That's how we all came in. That's how we're all going out.
Justin: You go do whatever you have to do for whatever reason you have to do it. I just want you to know I love you. And I'll be here when you get back.
Darren: Is it true that gentleman prefer blondes?
Justin: I don't know about gentleman, but dirty old men sure do.
Brian: If some asshole named Vic Grassi calls from Hell, you can tell him I'm in a meeting.
Michael: Holy shoot! Did you check out the dick on this kid?!
Melanie: Or not.
Lindsay: That's the umbilical cord!
Melanie: Something tells me a princess is on the way.
Michael: Well it's okay with me if he's gay.
Michael: Is it a class for lesbian mothers? I won't shave my legs, no one will notice.
Michael: Hey, where have you been? I need those panels so I can come up with some dialogue for the evil anal probes.
Justin: How about up your ass?
Brian: It's "the big C," Ted.
Brian: It's bigger.
Brian: It's cancer, Theodore.
Michael: You can't open someone Else's mail. It's a federal offense!
Hunter: I can see it now... I'm on death row waiting lethal injection. This mass murderer who killed 48 babies and ate them asks me what I'm being executed for. I say, "opening Ben's letter."
Debbie: Am I interrupting?
Horvath: Just about to devour my man-wich.
Debbie: In my neighborhood that's three guys fucking.
Sam: You flatter me, my dear. By at least a couple inches.
Michael: Jesus, what happened to you?
Michael: You think you can kick me out of here the way you did Justin? And for what? Trying not to let on that he knew? Because that's the way you wanted it. He deserves to know. He's your lover. Your partner, whether you want to admit it or not. And sick or not, that's a fucking shitty way to treat him!
Brian: I was only trying to make it easier.
Michael: By never seeing him again?
Brian: He would have left sooner or later anyway, might as well be sooner!
Man: Hey Drew, where'd you get those caterers?
Drew: Looks like a couple flamers to me.
Emmett: [walks up to Drew] Excuse me, Mr. Boyd? I hope I'm not out of place for saying this, actually I don't give a fuck if I am. Back in Hazelhurst, Mississippi where I grew up, I was always taught that if a real man has something to say about someone, he says it to his face, not behind his back. So even though you may be a star, you know, captain of the team, a hero to millions, you still have a lot to learn about being a man.
Emmett: Dating in this place just means you sucked some guy's dick and went out for coffee.
Emmett: Which one are you?
Drew: Number 7.
Emmett: Very graceful... in a rugged, manly way.
Emmett [to Drew]: I don't see much difference in how you play your game on Sunday afternoons and how I play my game on Saturday nights.
Brian: I thought I told you to get out.
Justin: I guess I didn't hear; you tend to mumble a lot.
Brian: Listen to me, you little shit. I don't. Want. You here.
Justin: I don't care what you want. You're not getting rid of me.
[Brian tries to pull Justin out. Justin shoves Brian, who falls.]
Justin: Shit. Are you all right? Tell me you're all right!
Brian: I'm all right!
Justin: You're not all right!
Brian: [Shouting] Then what the hell are you asking me for?
Justin: [Shouting] So I can tell you what a motherfucking piece of shit you are for not telling me, for shutting me out, for thinking that you could handle this on your own and most of all for thinking that I would leave you! Why would you think that? 'Cause you had a ball removed? 'Cause you're no longer perfect? Well, believe me, Mr Kinney, that is the least of your imperfections. And if I wanted to leave you, I've had better reasons, plenty of them!
Brian: Maybe you should have.
Justin: Yeah, maybe you're right. But I thought we had a commitment, and I plan to stand by it. Now get your ass back in bed, you son of a bitch!... And eat some fucking chicken soup!
Emmett: Maybe because you had your dick up my ass?
Ted: After all, I am a gay man and sex is our national past-time.
Brian: I see your point.
Debbie: Yeah, so why didn't you see it then?
Brian: Maybe because I didn't know that I had cancer then.
Brian: Will it make me small?
Justin: I'm hoping that it will make you large. Very very large.
Brian: All I want to do is dig a hole and crawl in. Only I'm too busy vomiting.
Debbie [praying]: Brian Kinney. No doubt you've heard of him. He wouldn't like you telling me this but the biggest organ he's got is his heart. So please God, make him well.
Emmett: You know, I absolutely hate when you do that.
Ted: Do what?
Emmett: Start to say something and then say "never mind." Then I have to spend the next ten minutes begging you to tell me what it is.
Ted: I never knew it irritated you that much. Why didn't you tell me?
Emmett: Well what good would it do? You'd just get hurt and sulk.
Ted: I do not sulk.
Emmett: And then I have to spend another ten minutes convincing you that I love you and begging you to forgive me, which you finally would, so would you please just tell me what the fuck it is so we don't have to go through the entire song and dance.
Ted: I forgot what it is I wasn't going to tell you.
Brian: You think God gave me cancer to punish me?
Joan Kinney: It's not too late. You can still change. I know you can.
Brian: I can?
Joan: Well, it won't be easy. You'll have to fight temptation. Be strong. Harden yourself.
Brian: I wanna be hard, Mom. You have no idea how much I want to be hard. Oh, Lord, make me hard so that I can fuck every hot guy I see! That's why God gave me a second chance, Mom, so that I can use the one ball I have left!
Joan: Shame! Shame on you!
Brian: If I have to spend an eternity of eternities burning in hell, it's better than spending one good day in heaven with you!
Brian [to Justin]: Let's just say that God gave me a second chance. I don't want to blow it. But you feel free to.
Brian: It feels like someone is rotating my artificial ball.
Doctor: You've put on some weight.
Brian: I realize to you that's a good thing. To me it's a disaster.
Brian: How long can I resume a normal life? Doing recreational drugs and consuming vast amounts of alcohol, going to the gym.
Doctor: I don't have any problem with some light stretching and mild cardio.
Brian: Doc, I'm a fag. I don't go to the gym to be healthy, I go there to look good.
Melanie: I know which team I play on. It's not a choice or a preference, it's who I am. It's who I've always been. A rug-puncher, a muff diver, a cunt slapper, a bull, a Lizzie, a dyke.
Lindsay: What do you think I am?
Melanie: Don't ask me to make up your mind for you. You have to do that all by yourself.
Lindsay: I'm a lesbian.
Melanie: Not if you're having sex with a man, honey.
Justin: Brian's doctor cautioned him to take it easy.
Ted: What like getting laid 3 times instead of 4?
Justin: More like 7 instead of 9.
Emmett: So what brings you to Queersville?
Drew: My game's been shit.
Emmett: Talk to your coach.
Drew: I can't sleep.
Emmett: Take a Xanax.
Drew: I'm drinking too much.
Emmett: Buy more beer nuts.
Drew: I miss you.
Drew: I thought you love when I fuck you.
Emmett: I do love when you fuck me. This isn't the Atkins Diet. Man can't live on meat alone. At least this man can't.
Brian: Of all the times we fucked, and by now I'd say we are well into the quadruple digits, that has to be in the top five.
Debbie: Well, there is an alternative to going out in a blaze of glory, and that's giving 'em all the big "fuck you."
Debbie: Vic fought like a son-of-a-bitch. Every time a new infection hit or some new med made him feel worse than what it was supposed to be curing, he would dig down into some unfathomable place in himself and say "I'm not giving up yet, so fuck off."
Emmett [to Drew]: I've been beaten up, cursed at, spit at, from day one. Which in a way was worth it. Because I never had to live a lie. And I'm not about to start now. Not for you. Not for anyone.
Hunter: No one's ever gonna love me.
Ben: That's not true. We love you. Whether you're positive or not. Whether you're gay or not.
Justin [to Brian]: I have to hand it to you. Your perseverance is surpassed only by your narcissism.
Ben: I'd say we're in great shape for the ride, wouldn't you?
Michael: Provided my ass holds out.
Ben: I've never known it to fail.
Michael: You've never ridden it for 300 miles.
Horvath: I need someone in my life who will make me laugh, make me feel good.
Michael: I'm already taken, Carl.
Debbie: So you wanted to tell me something? Go ahead I'm all ears.
Carl: Debbie, honey...
Debbie: Fuck! I need ear muffs! It's supposed be as colder than a witch's tit in Canada!
Ben: Gears lubed up, seat nice and tight.
Hunter: I'm gonna ride it, not fuck it.
Ted [talking about his cat]: Now she's hiding in the closet.
Emmett: She'll come out in her own time, just like the rest of us.
Lindsay: How many times can someone reject you before you just give up?
Debbie: How many times in your life do you get an engagement ring?
Man: Elizabeth Taylor, 8 times, twice from Richard Burton. Jennifer Lopez, 3, Julia Roberts, 4.
Debbie: When a man gives you a ring it's special, it's meaningful.
Michael: Well, I wouldn't know.
Ben: Then maybe it's time you found out.
Michael: Found out what?
Ben: Michael Novotny. You are the man I've been looking for all my life. I am so very blessed to have found you. Which is why I'm asking you to due me the honor [takes out a ring] of accepting my hand in marriage. We're going to Toronto, where gay marriage is not only accepted, it's legal. And like you said, that's what two people do when they love each other, right?
Michael: I don't know what to say.
Ben: Yes would be good...
[On Church Street]
Michael: You're probably going to think I'm crazy but you know what this street reminds me of?
Everyone: Liberty Avenue.
Brian: Since when did you ever have the least interest in getting married?
Michael: I didn't! But not because I didn't want to. But because I never thought I could. It wasn't a story I told myself like straight kids did, you know, that someday I'd meet that special person and we'd fall in love and have a big wedding... it was never real for me.
Brian: We're queer. We don't need marriage, we don't need a sanction of dickless politicians and pederast priests. We fuck who we want to, when we want to. That is our god-given right.
Michael: But it's also our god-given right to have everything that straight people have. Because we're every bit as much human as they are.
Justice of the Peace: And do you Ben promise to love, respect, and cherish Michael and be his true and faithful husband?
Hunter: Say 'I do,' dude.
Ben: I do.
Ted: Anyway, it's not just for Michael and Ben. If things had been different, maybe -
Emmett: No point in beating yourself up, Teddy. We're still friends, aren't we? Which means we'll be together a lot longer than most marriages.
Debbie: Shit, I just called you boys. You're married men now.
Brian: I haven't had this much fun with a toy since my erector set.
Emmett: My parents couldn't afford an erector set. So I decided to play with the one God gave me.
Debbie [to Brian]: You of all people should know... there's no one more fickle than a fag.
Debbie [to Michael]: I was a single mother. And guess what? Even without a father you still had enough sense to come in out of the rain... sometimes!
Brian: [About Gus's toy train] You see the chew-choo go around the tracks, sonny boy? Sure is fun, but after a while it gets monotonous and predictable, and that's when we throw off the shackles of convention and relinquish control, and cause senseless, tragic, DISASTER! [Train falls off the tracks.]
Lindsey: Brian, what are you doing?
Brian: Just teaching my son how to have fun...
Brian: When did you change?
Brian: When did you become this pious sanctimonious judgemental twit?
Michael: The point is not when did I change, the point is why haven't you?
Emmett: Just call me 'the Queer Guy'!
Ted: Isn't that like calling the Pope 'the Catholic guy'?
Justin: There is one thing Pittsburgh has that Hollywood doesn't.
Hunter: Capital punishment. I'm all for it. I say fry the motherfucker's.
Michael: Now you see why we're so proud.
Emmett: I can't tell you how much it warms my heart to know I'm keeping hetero's horny.
Emmett: These are my fans. They adore me.
Brian: Because you're so cute. Do you think they'd still adore you if they knew you took it up the ass? And liked it?
Justin: What's your problem?
Brian: I have no problem. I am problem less. A problem free zone.
Brian: I'm not going to their fucking party!
Justin: Why not?
Brian: Because I'm going to a fucking party.
Emmett: How about you, Deb? Do you want me to give you a landing strip?
Debbie: Thanks, but I prefer to keep the whole airport.
Ben: Great party, huh? Everybody seemed to have a good time.
Hunter: Yeah, if you call Melanie and Lindsay declaring a cease-fire, Brian leaving to go to a sex party, and you and Michael sticking that fucking camera in my face pretending we're this happy family having a good time.
Ben: We're not pretending, we are.
Ben: You're gonna get through this, I promise.
Hunter: Fuck your false hope. The world's a stinking shit hole.
Brian: I don't think you get it.
Justin: What, that someone rejected you? Got the prime piece of meat, it happens to everyone!
[Ted is imagining Brian and Emmett are there after he has sex with Trent]
Emmett: Congratulations, stud. That's your third time tonight.
Ted: Who's keeping score?
Emmett: I am. Look at him, so smug, so self-satisfied. Now is the perfect time to send him off with his... not-unattractive tail between his legs. :Brian: What the fuck for? You've got the son of a bitch where you want him, with his ass in the air, and it's not a bad one, I might add.
Emmett: Don't listen to him! Tell.
Brian: What the hell does he know? Fuck!
Ted: Would you get off my back?!
Justin: I made some decisions.
Brian: About what?
Justin: My life.
Justin: To be a couple both people have to want the same things, to move in the same direction. If they can't, or won't, they really have nowhere to go.
Brian: Probably not.
Justin: Then why are we still doing this if we both know it's never going to work?
Brian: Damned if I know.
Stranger: You people need Jesus in your lives.
Emmett: Yeah and you need a good blowjob. That is, if you can find anyone to give you one! And don't look at me!
Ted: Look at it this way. You'll always have something to remember me by.
Troy: You're dumping me?
Ted: It's a fag-eat-fat world.
Troy: Fuck you. You know... I liked you. A lot. I really did.
Brian: I want to see your wife! Where is the little woman?!
Brian: You infected him! With your petty bourgeois mediocre conformist isolationist life! Thanks to you he's got visions! Babies, weddings, white picket fences dancing in his blonde little head!
Michael: And you think I put them there?
Brian: Before you and your husband tied the noose around your necks, he was perfectly happy! But now, he's a defector! Just like the rest of you!
Michael: He was never perfectly happy! Waiting for years for you to say I love you, you're the only one I want!
Brian: That's not who I am!
Michael: Don't we all know!
Brian: And now he's here in your house.
Michael: It's a home.
Brian: It's a farce! It's a freak show!
Michael: Call it what you want, I honestly don't care. But he didn't leave because I infected him. He left because of you! Who wouldn't?!
Lindsay's mother: When I heard about your relations with a man, I was hoping that...
Lindsay: What? That I'd be the daughter you always dream of? Well, I'm not mom. And I never will be.
Ted: Come on Brian, you can't fool me. You gotta free yourself of this burden. Release it, let it all hang out!
Brian: [Deadpan] My mother is a frigid bitch, my father was an abusive drunk; they had a hateful marriage, which is probably why I am unwilling, or unable, to form a long-term committed relationship of my own. The fact that I drink like a fish, abuse drugs and have more or less redefined promiscuity doesn't help, much. As a result I've lost the two people in my life that mean the most to me. [Referring to Justin and Michael]
Ted: There. Don't you feel better.
Brian: No. But I'm sure you do.
Emmett [to Drew]: If you can't be honest with me that's fine, it doesn't matter. But at least be honest with yourself.
Craig Taylor: It's your choice.
Justin: It's not a choice.
Craig: Well don't expect to be rewarded!
Justin: We're not asking to be rewarded, we're asking for what's rightfully ours!
Craig: The right to pervert the sanctity of marriage, to make a mockery of family values?
Justin: A hell of a lot you know about marriage or family values, you fucked around on mom!
Craig: Watch your language!
Justin: Oh forgive me, saying fuck is far worse than what you did, you lying hypocrite!
Emmett: It was obvious to everyone from the moment I popped out of my mama that I was the new queen of Hazelhurst. They almost named me Elizabeth.
Ted: You're lucky.
Emmett: That they named me Emmett?
Ted: That it was obvious. That you never had to go through the hell of hiding it, the fear of being found out.
Lindsay [to Brian]: Don't tell me about clinging onto my past, until you're willing to let go of yours.
Michael: They say that change is good for you, that it keeps you on your toes. Well, if that's true, I should be a fucking ballerina.
Brian: Wouldn't you rather just cuddle?
Brian: I said wouldn't you rather just lie here —
Justin: No no no, I heard what you said. You said "cuddle"!
Justin: So? I have never ever once heard you use that word, much less actually want to do it.
Brian: Okay, can we just turn the lights out?
Justin: No, no! Brian Kinney fucks, sucks, rims, rams but never cuddles!
Brian: Okay, so I used a word that offends your sensibilities. Forgive me, I apologize. I'll never do it again!
Brian: Whether we see each other next weekend, next month, never again, it doesn't matter. It's only time.
Michael: Come on, come on. Shake that groove thing.
Brian: You shake it, Mikey. I'm too...
Michael: What? Old? You'll always be young, you'll always be beautiful. You're Brian Kinney, for fuck's sake!
Emmett: So, uh, what do you say we go back to my room and, um, reminisce about old times.
Calvin: Not that much to reminisce about.
Emmett: I know.
Brian: When's your flight?
Justin: Ten... I think I finally found a place to stay. Daphne has a friend in the East Village... Finding a work space is gonna be difficult. Apparently everything costs a fortune.
Brian: Well, you'll manage. You always do.
Justin: I'll be back, and you'll come there. We're gonna see each other all the time.
Brian: You don't know that; neither do I. Whether we see each other next weekend or next month, never again, it doesn't matter. It's only time.
Justin: You didn't return them?
Brian: I didn't return them.
Justin: We don't need rings or vows to prove that we love each other. We already know that.
Brian: You did it.
Justin: Did what?
Brian: Became the best homosexual you could possibly be.
Brian: Holy shit...
Brian: You look...
Justin: Good? Bad? Laughable?
Justin: I do?
Brian: It's not a question. It's a declaration. So try and be more emphatic when the minister asks you if you wanna go through with this.
Justin: I do.
Michael: So the thumps-thumpa continues. It always will, no matter what happens, no matter who's president. As our Lady of Disco, the divine Miss Gloria Gaynor, has always sung to us, "We will survive."