is a comedic slice-of-life Questionable Content webcomic written and drawn by Jeph Jacques.
Number 1-99 [ edit ]
Pintsize: Hook me up to the monitor. I'll download you some nice, cheerful porn.
Number 1: Employment Sucks
Sara: What do you think would happen if I just grabbed him and humped him behind the counter next time he comes in?
Faye: I think you would fulfill a fantasy shared by every shy, submissive boy on the planet. Hump away!
Number 10: Coffeeshop Lust
Faye [on the phone]: Hello? Oh, hey mom. Nothing much, just going out to dinner with a friend. Yes, a boy. No, it's not a date. No, I didn't bring the tazer. Mom, he's not a serial rapist, he's a nice guy. Okay I have to go. Bye mom.
Marten: Wow, is your mom always that concerned for your personal safety?
Faye: You're lucky she's not here in person. You'd have been maced for walking so close to me.
Number 12: In The Interest Of Faye's Safety
Faye: I'm just gonna pretend that a roll of quarters in your pocket is what I feel poking into my hip.
Number 19: Better Than A Roll Of Dimes
Faye: You almost had a date! But you got dumped at the last minute in favor of an epiphany.
Number 30: Sudden Realizations
Marten: Expending all the effort to get the seal off makes the music that much more enjoyable once you get the CD out of the jewel case.
Steve: Kind of like taking off a girl's bra?
Marten: Yeah, except CDs don't start giggling if it takes you more than fifteen seconds.
Number 31: I Hate It When They Giggle
Marten: A lesser man, a man weaker than I, might interject with a lewd or suggestive comment at this juncture.
Number 36: A Lesser Man Indeed
Faye: Now buy me a shot of whatever hell-brew you two have been drinking and let's get this party started.
Marten: Perhaps not the wisest decision, but a good decision nonetheless!
Jimbo: Where I come from, we just shorten that sentence to "woo!"
Number 38: Definition Of A Term
Faye: Since when'd you get two couches in here?
Marten: One of them is a special couch that only drunk people can see.
Number 41: Low Blow
Marten: The only way to deal with computer salespeople is with an overwhelming preemptive strike.
Number 45: Pity, He Asked For It
Pintsize: My first commandment is: "Thou shalt not beget electromagnetism in the presence of your Lord".
Number 70: There Can Be Only One
Dora: Marten, you'd go out with Faye, right?
Marten: I plead the Fifth.
Dora: Aww, he's terrified of you. Definitely your type, Faye darling.
Number 75: Provocative
Faye: I have attained girlvana!
Number 79: I Want Those Posters Dammit
Dora: While they are witty, your comments inch you closer to unemployment with every passing second.
Number 82: Manly Drinks
Dora: So do you just want some coffee or would you prefer a quick fuck on the counter?
Marten: Guh buh duh huh wha?
Dora: I'm just kidding, you ass. Faye is right, you are cute when you get flustered.
Marten: Remind me, which of you is the evil twin of the other?
Number 84: First Through The Door
Faye: I will kick Steve's ass at drinking the booze, I will kick Pintsize's ass at Trivial Pursuit, and I will kick Dora's ass at being a sexy thing!
Marten: Heh. I like how you're talking about kicking people's asses while making punching motions.
Faye: Don't you sass me! You will be added to the list! I can make room for one more!
Number 88: Fightin' Mood
Faye: I will drink you so far under the table you will come out in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in China!
Number 93: This Could Get Messy
Number 100-199 [ edit ]
Faye: A girl has to protect her assets. Also her breastets.
Number 100: Bad Timing
Marten: It was like being caught in the headlights of a landing 747. A 747 whose passengers were sexiness and rage.
Number 101: Airplane Simile
Marten: Okay, either I'm having my first wet dream in ten years, or Pintsize put some LSD in my Cheerios this morning.
Number 106: Faye Is Not Squeamish
Marten: Oh my gosh, I think that's one of MY old vibrators! Man, that thing's probably spent over 250 hours in my ass over the years. I thought I'd never see it again when I put it up on eBay two weeks ago!
[Faye drops the vibrator.]
Faye [rolling up her sleeve]: I hope you are aware that your little put-on has earned you a brutal punching.
Marten: The look on your face just now was totally worth it.
Number 107: Marten Gets Sassy
Marten: I'm sorry, did you say something? I'm still kinda in tit-shock.
Number 109: Baked Goods
Marten [re: Faye and Dora]: See what I mean? They're like two wet cats fighting in a sack.
Pintsize: Only sexier!
Number 115: Clank
Faye: Actually, it is a credit to your character that you would ply me with drink not to try and get some action, but to hear me say funny words and southern slang.
Number 130: Going For The Bronze
Faye [to Dora]: Okay, that does it. We are going to a veterinary clinic to have you spayed.
Number 140: Bob Barker Would Approve
Pintsize: He doesn't have to wake up, you know. I have a laser, and we have a garbage disposal.
Number 148: Never Saw It Coming
Amanda: That was the day I learned there's no way you can remove your head from another girl's crotch in a nonchalant manner.
Marten: At that point you might as well just say, "do you mind? I'm kinda busy," and then go back to what you were doing, because you know it can't get any worse.
Number 165: Hi Mom!
Marten: I live to serve your self-esteem, oh radiant goddess of utmost beauty.
Faye: Ooh! Say that again, but do it without rolling your eyes this time.
Number 177: Compliment Drift-Nets
Faye: Comparing most girls to me is like comparing Sputnik to a space-borne death laser.
Number 179: A Special Girl
Faye: If a lady's junk is quiverin', her man must be deliverin'!
Number 180: All A-Quiver
Finest of all the spirits
A drunken haiku
Number 181: Unsupervised Drinking
Number 200-299 [ edit ]
Steve: Now, is a Smarmadon a type of Smarmosaur, or is it the other way around?
Number 202: Sexy Clones
Marten: I feel sexy now. All makin' ladies' panties wet from 100 yards away - a Sex Jedi!
Number 203: Like Hair On A Wookie
Marten: I need to learn some new profanity, 'cause the old standards just aren't cutting it in this situation.
Number 212: Does ThinkGeek Sell Pampers?
Dora: Our culture doesn't get smarter, it just finds new ways of being retarded.
Number 240: Ursa Ursa Ursa
Faye: Yes! Rampaging bears are the answer to all of our cultural missteps!
Number 240: Ursa Ursa Ursa
Ellen: I should just date a shower massage. They don't care about age.
Number 243: Hit The Showers
Pintsize: When talking about the human experience, it all comes around to poopin' eventually.
Number 270: Cheap Humor
Pintsize: I'm a performance artist, and my medium is irate ladies.
Number 277: Oddly Obvious
Pintsize: The Quakers were masters of siege warfare.
Number 282: I Prefer the Trebuchet
Dora: Yes, I realize that projecting my internal dialogue onto my cat is perhaps not the healthiest way of dealing with stressful situations.
Dora: No, murder is not the answer. You always suggest that.
Number 293: Lost In Translation
Number 300-399 [ edit ]
Pintsize: Curses! I am powerless against the might of duct tape!
Number 310: Duck It
Faye: When you became my friend you were automatically enrolled in the Menstrual Discussion Plan. For an additional $15.99 per month you can upgrade to the Digestive Issues Bulletin Package.
Number 311: Sneaky Junk
Ellen: You know, employing the Socratic Method in the bedroom could be pretty interesting.
Number 317: Ask, Not Tell
Faye: Your honesty is the knife twisting in the wound that is my conscience. Also, that was the most emo thing I have ever said. Please just shoot me now before I metaphor again.
Number 340: Also the Most Emo Thing I Have Ever Written
Marten: Appealing to Steve's libido has always been more effective than appealing to his conscience.
Number 380: Movin' On Up
Pintsize: It was like being hit by a freight train carrying eighty tons of SEX!
Number 387: Tungsten Of Tushes
Steve: And as my dad says, "if she's good in bed and not a crazy bitch, she's a keeper."
Number 395: Not Even Orlando Bloom
Number 400-499 [ edit ]
Faye: I shop like Puritans have sex - in and out in three minutes, and only for the procreation of children.
Number 424: Her Favorite Sound
Pintsize: Spontaneous kindness is to hipsters as high beams are to deer.
Number 430: Another Gift Horse
Marten: Funny, I thought you advocated the murder of your patrons.
Dora: Well yeah, but not before they pay.
Number 443: Love Indiemarican Style
Raven: Me? Sarcastic? Of course not, I'm far too ditzy to grasp the subtleties of mockery.
Number 444: Quite Beyond Her
Raven: You know, I never really got that phrase. All life isn't suffering. Sometimes there are parties and makeouts! And marijuana!
Number 453: She's Seriously Kinda Crazy
Marten: At this point it's either continue to be patient or kill you and dump your body in a ditch, and I wouldn't last five minutes in prison.
Faye: You could plead not guilty by reason of insanity on my part. "The bitch was CRAZY, Your Honor!" The judge will let you off the hook and then invite you out for a beer so he can complain to you about his ex-wife and rebellious daughter.
Number 462: The Best Defense
Marten [to Steve]: I should probably stage an intervention or send you to detox or something, but your descent into the booze-madness is honestly pretty entertaining.
Number 472: It's Not Going Well
Faye: The quickest way to a man's heart really is through his stomach, because then you don't have to chop through that pesky rib cage.
Number 478: I Get Knocked Down
Faye: When a housecat kills a human he is regarded as a god by his feline peers.
Number 493: Ambush!
Pintsize: What's this about squirrels and acid? Let me tell you, dissolving a squirrel is a lot more work than you think.
Number 499: This Is A Theory Of Mine
Number 500-599 [ edit ]
Marten: Man, I'd be the worst praying mantis ever. "Oh sure, you can bite my head off without mating with me, I understand. You have ISSUES."
Hannelore: Hey, I wouldn't be all that great myself. "Oh sure, you can mate with me once I've finished grooming my claws and OH GOD A PIECE OF APHID IS STUCK TO THEM I HAVE TO GO BOIL MYSELF AAGH"
Number 520: Hblughlaghl
Hannelore: Okay Hannelore, moral debate time. Do we leave quietly and hope the shock erase his short-term memory of this evening, or do we call the hospital and hope Faye doesn't come home soon?
Pintsize: I don't know who you are but I like your style.
Number 529: Technically She's Trespassing Now
Faye: Figures the first girl you bring home'd be a stalker.
Number 533: I Am Seriously That Introverted
Dora: You're useless when you're high on catnip, you know that?
Mieville: Mewww mew?
Dora: No I will NOT put on Dark Side of the Moon and The Wizard of Oz for you. Goddamned stoner cat.
Number 538: Also Some Nachos Please
Raven: "Frame of mind"? What does that have to do with dating? Be like Toucan Sam! Follow your nose! Or, uh, your junk. Be a horny Toucan Sam!
Number 541: Captain Crunch EWWW
Raven: I'm a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in an AWESOME rack.
Number 542: Playing Her Like A Fiddle
Dora: Cashmere is comfy, but it just can't compare with steaming human entrails.
Number 563: Serial Killer Couture
Pintsize: Ooh, you're going to Savannah? Take me with you!
Faye: No way. Sherman didn't burn the city and I'm not gonna let you do it either.
Number 571: Juanita Was His Favorite
Faye: Life would be so much easier if violence really was a good way of solving problems. I wasn't meant to be a young lady of the 21st century, I was meant to be a Mongol warlord.
Dora: Genghis Khan would have been totally emo over you.
Number 576: Thwarted By The Great Wall
Raven: I like how Axe body spray smells, but it doesn't make me want to hump inanimate objects like in the commercials. Which is sort of disappointing.
Number 583: Commercials Lie
Dora: You sure you can handle closing all by yourself, Raven?
Raven: Uh-huh! If anyone asks me for a drink I don't know how to make I'll just hit 'em with a carafe and drag 'em out back.
Number 599: The Old Standby
Number 600-699 [ edit ]
Dora: Threesomes are a lot like Communism - they're a great idea on paper but in reality they rarely work well.
Number 600: It's Assumed That He Is Joking
Marten: I think I exude a pheromone that causes existential conflict in ladies. I'm like some sort of rare Uncertainty Moth.
Number 608: Worrywarts
Dora: They should give RealDolls the ability to press charges. Although I guess that'd remove one of their major selling points.
Number 633: For The Man Who Has Everything?
Hannelore: You don't have to try very hard to play free-jazz. Just throw a saxophone down a flight of stairs.
Number 637: There Is Probably An Emo Band Named FallDownStairs
Dora: Can you see the little dollar signs in my pupils? Those little dollar signs represent PROFITS.
Marten: Really? I thought they were just novelty contact lenses.
Number 653: That Is A Happy Cactus
Pintsize: If a guitar is a phallic symbol and keyboards are female, does that mean keytars are hermaphrodites? Hot.
Number 660: It's Been A Long Weekend
Faye: Is there a full moon tonight or something? There must be a reason every boy I know is acting RETARDED.
Number 683: A Lunar Explanation
Number 700-799 [ edit ]
Marten: Is there a word for when somebody does something completely illogical, but in a perfectly logical manner? Because I really could use that word right now.
Number 707: My Apologies To Takehiko Inoue
Faye: Get used to it. Working at Coffee of Doom means subjecting yourself to a neverending parade of inventive nicknamery.
Number 729: Biology Department
Hannelore: Don't you try and out-creepy me, little man. My first words when I was a toddler were "thousand-yard stare".
Number 730: Creeped Out Again
VespAvenger: Any last words?
Faye [to Dora]: Why are you grabbing my butt?
Dora: If I gotta go, I might as well go happy.
Number 747: Latin Humor
Penelope: He was pretty handsome for a religious leader. But then, it'd be hard NOT to look good in one of those awesome pope-hats.
Number 769: Then The Left One
Marten: Actually, I was fired from the morgue for juggling heads. Specifically, for juggling heads badly and making a mess on the floor.
Number 772: I Miss Sexy Losers
Tai: I dunno, bachelor's degrees make pretty good placemats if you get 'em laminated.
Number 789: Animal House
Number 800-899 [ edit ]
Faye: You think everybody secretly does porn.
Number 803: It Must Be On A Remote Server Or Something
Dr. Corrine: "Just go out and bang some dude" is one of the phrases you will never hear a psychiatrist say. Other such phrases include "I think the heroin is doing you a lot of good," and "Jesus, no WONDER your mother never loved you."
Number 809: Devil's Advocate
Faye: Screw the bar, let's get drunk and play with Hanners' suction cups!
Number 829: Pintsize Taught Her
Dora: I will not tolerate mutiny! Not even if chocolate is involved!
Number 835: The Bounty
Tai: The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Especially if it's been soaked in cheap whiskey.
Number 842: A Chip Off The Ol' Block
Hannelore: Can I HANDLE it? I am a cleaning NINJA. I'll make that dirt my BITCH.
Number 865: Knuckles
Number 900-999 [ edit ]
Faye: If I became physically attracted to things that irked me, the world would burst into flame from the friction of my furious humping.
Number 900: Maybe At A Swingers' Party?
Faye: Well that's just awful. I have just the thing to cheer you up, though - a 100% genuine unicorn hair, guaranteed to grant you eternal life. Only two thousand dollars!
Number 945: I Heart Alan Moore
Dora [to Hannelore]: Your mom should write a book "Everything I Needed to Know About Management I Learned From Watching James Bond Movies."
Number 961: Skull Island Franchise
Dora: Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past.
Marten: If that's true, then wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future.
Faye: And common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot NOW.
Number 976: Dora Dharma
Marten: In Canada they have socialized asskicking. It's called "hockey."
Number 988: Wayne Gretzky, MD
Number 1000-1099 [ edit ]
Hannelore: Oh! It was a pun! I'm sorry. Daddy didn't allow puns when I was growing up.
Numer 1007: Weird Flavor
Faye: My chest is not the Make-A-Wish Foundation!
Number 1012: Think Of The Children
Steve: Holy shit. He's a serial killer. He has to be. NOBODY'S that perfect.
Number 1027: Holy Exposition, Batman
Marten: I wonder what cymbal testers do for fun. Hihat scrimshaw? Novelty gong-craft? Or do they just go home, take twenty Advils, and listen to the soothing sounds of felt?
Number 1054: Not The Band, The Actual Fabric
Faye: You DO know that Hanners is off-limits, right?
Sven: I see flashing lights, dudes in hard hats waving flags, and about three miles of caution tape. There's a big sign that says "DETOUR - ANY OTHER FEMALE IN EXISTENCE."
Number 1076 Road Flares and Jersey Barriers
Faye: Are you always this smug after you ravish a lady?
Number 1082: Nobody Likes That Kind
Number 1100-1199 [ edit ]
Hannelore: Man, good thing human females don't have venomous ovipositors, huh?
Number 1101: Better Left Unsaid
Hannelore: When you're done having, uh, sex, what do you say?
Hannelore: I mean, do you say "thank you" or "good job" or "that was fun" or what?
Faye: Um, I guess you COULD...
Hannelore: "Boy, that sure triggered a lot of MY dopamine receptors! Thanks for helping me trick my body into believing it fulfilled its genetic imperative!"
Faye: That's a bit... clinical for pillow talk.
Number 1109: Salutatory
Raven: I might not be the sharpest bulb in the box but I'm not THAT gullible.
Number 1115: Mixed Metaphor
Hannelore: Really? So you're NOT all highly-trained actors being paid off by my parents to offer me the illusion of a normal social life?
Number 1144: Geppetto: The Later Years
Hannelore: As far as pathogens go, friendship is pretty okay.
Number 1145: Typhoid Marten
violets are blue,
you're really hot,
Number 1189: Lurid Verse
Number 1200-1299 [ edit ]
Pintsize: Human cusswords focus on mating, excretion and genitalia. Robot cusswords focus on mashing on homerow. ASDF is a four-letter word.
Number 1200: Don't Even Mention Dvorak
Tai: Th-that was probably just somebody's escaped tarantula. Right?
Marten: Either way, next time I go down to the stacks I'm bringin' a flamethrower.
Hannelore: You guys saw that too? Thank goodness. I thought I was hallucinating again.
Number 1211: One Can Only Hope
Sven: What am I supposed to say, "I'm sorry my friend is a creepy motherfucker, but will you please go out on a date with him anyway?"
Number 1213: A Meeting Engagement
Faye: Sven and I are acquaintances, who occasionally happen to bump into each other. Naked. With our crotches.
Marten: Man, I wish I'd had those kind of female acquaintances back in college.
Number 1221: Accidental Collisions
Pintsize: What do humans typically do when they find themselves leaking an unknown substance from one of their orifices?
Faye: They...go to the doctor?
Pintsize: NO, they go post pictures of it on the internet.
Number 1254: Does This Look Infected?
Sven: A good relationship is like fireworks: loud, explosive, and liable to maim you if you hold on too long.
Number 1274: Guy Fawkes Day Works Too
Number 1300-1399 [ edit ]
Marten: Dammit, how come girls are only interested in me now that I'm dating someone?!
Tai: People in committed relationships emit a pheromone that makes them more attractive.
Marten: I gotta get some stronger deodorant.
Number 1322: Or Stop Showering
Hannelore: Beethoven's Fifth reminds me of Canada. I don't know why. I've never been to Canada.
Number 1336: Canasthesia
Sven: Since when do you get to judge my worth as a person? You're my intern, not my conscience.
Lydia: I'm double majoring in Music and Being a Decent Human Being.
Number 1339: It's A Pun On "1000 Hertz" You See
Marten: There are other fish in the sea, and they're not all Asshole Cod.
Number 1346: Jerks Cousteau
Sven: I'd self-immolate but I wouldn't want to inconvenience the neighbors.
Number 1347: The Honorable Course
Steve: Any recent Faye drama I should be aware of?
Marten: I could try and explain, or you could just watch a random episode of "Days of our Lives."
Number 1351: Playing Catch-Up
Hannelore: Marten, your girlfriend is thinking dirty thoughts about me! Make her stop!
Number 1360: She'll Be Fine In An Hour Or So
Number 1400-1499 [ edit ]
Faye: My right boob sags a little more than my left. I call it the Underachiever.
Number 1405: To Make A List
Hannelore: My name is Hannelore Ellicott-Chatham. I end messes.
Number 1416: Come With Me If You Want To Live
Marten: After what happened with Sven, I don't wanna see you get hurt like that again.
Faye: So, what, if I try to throw myself at some crappy boy you're gonna tackle me?
Marten: Actually, I'll use a net. Hannelore will administer a sedative, and Dora will drive the getaway van.
Number 1423: They've Been Planning For Days
Sven: My artistic integrity wears a gimp suit and lives in a box.
Number 1424: He WoWs When Depressed
Marten: Bartender, fetch us some frosty beers and fancy outfits!
Number 1425: With Maximum Ridiculosity
Marten: Dude, if a park ranger warns you about the bears, it ain't cause he's tryin' to keep all the bear hugs for himself.
Number 1426: Reverse Bechdel Test
Marten: But I figure you're better off strikin' out swingin' than watchin' the balls go past.
Angus: So I should watch out for the bears, but not be afraid to swing if they toss me a ball?
Marten: It's an awful mixed analogy, but I'd watch the SHIT out of that if it was on ESPN.
Number 1427: Bearsball
Pintsize: Do not mock the Breast Jihad!
Number 1460: Initiate Threat Protocol
Faye: Aww, it's been FOREVER since I've had to punch you! What a delightful wave of nostalgia!
Number 1462: The Good Old Days
Faye: I demand a tumbler full of gin and a fainting couch!
Number 1471: Gettin' Darcified
Hannelore: Um, what's this?
Dora: It's coffee. Like you asked for?
Hannelore: How... how does it work?
Dora: You put it down on the counter, then go back to your apartment and go to sleep.
Number 1477: Read Manual Before Operation
Number 1500-1599 [ edit ]
Pintsize: Aw, man, now I want wang-limbs.
Number 1500: Freud Would Have A Field Day
Marten: You have a black velvet painting of yourself in your bedroom?
Steve: I had it hanging over my mantle for a while, but I found it works better for a POST-coital conversation piece.
Number 1508: Please Say It Isn't True
Dora: "Us?" No, no, no, I'm a small business owner. You're the underachieving peon.
Number 1509: Stop Poking Me
Tai: I'm glad you have a sense of humor, but could you please not bring it to work with you?
Number 1512: Is It A Coping Mechanism?
Dora: OH MY GOD YOU ARE GONNA BE SO HOT WHEN YOU GO GRAY
Number 1515: A Glimpse Into The Future
Tai: Guys this started off as a fun little diversion but if I end up having to testify in court I'm gonna be SO PISSED.
Number 1542: Yes, Your Honor
Marten: Dear universe: if this is really how you work, may I please have a 1952 Telecaster?
Number 1543: Ask And Ye Shall Receive
Steve: Haha, well, you know that picture of me flexin' in front of the grizzly bear? That's actually my girlfriend. But don't worry, we have an open relationship.
Cosette: Meh, could be worse. You wanna come upstairs?
Steve: Who the hell have you been going on dates with?
Number 1551: Making The Best Of It
Angus: I maybe a social leper, but at least my weirdo shut-in gamer roommate still likes me! HOORAY!
Marigold You insensitive ASShole!
Number 1560: Robot Art
Faye: I have great tits coded right into my genes!
Number 1562: Sexy Breeding
Faye: I'm taking your boyfriend to dinner, Dora. I promise to return him in pristine condition.
Dora: You better. If there are any dents or scratches on him I'm keeping the security deposit.
Number 1563: I'm Sure Marten Agrees
Faye: You are a true friend, Flower Pits.
Number 1564: Tai's A Secret Girl
Hannelore: I MUST ELIMINATE ALL WITNESSES OF MY CRIME.
Dora: BAD Hanners! NO murdering friends! BAD!
Number 1576: Last Possible Resort
Pintsize: When the singularity hits I will BECOME PORN.
Number 1586: Just Your Average Everyday
Marten: "Sure, my lawn is made of solid gold, but my neighbor's AstroTurf looks so inviting."
Number 1593: Tainclusion
Tai: My ideal is basically you, only single.
Dora: Then once they perfect cloning technology, you can have Dora-2.
Marten: I call dibs on Doras three through fifteen. Gonna start me a clone-harem.
Number 1596: Polydora
Number 1600-1699 [ edit ]
Faye: What's with the cricket bat, Hanners?
Hannelore: I, uh, thought you might've snapped and, um, started killing everyone.
Faye: Geez, glass houses, lady! Glass houses!
Dora: I'm glad I'm not the only one with a contingency plan for that.
Number 1604: DefCon Faye
Faye: What's the point of havin' a rapier wit if I can't use it to stab people?
Number 1615: Last Party She Was Invited To
Dora: If your pay was based on good PR your great-grandchildren would still be working off the debt.
Number 1622: Postmodern Feudalism
Pintsize: I'll suck your dick for a chimichanga!
Number 1627: Pintsize Stoops To New Lows
Dora: I swear, you two aren't underachievers so much as ANTIachievers.
Number 1649: Everyone's A Hypocrite
Wil: I do believe that young lady was attempting to hit on you.
Sven: Meh. Could you grab me a fresh napkin? This one's got phone number all over it.
Number 1650: Please, I'm Trying To Eat
Faye: Tsk, it's always the uptight ones that end up total pokesluts.
Number 1660: Physical Contact Sports
Marten: There needs to be a word for those brief moments of clarity where you realize how profoundly weird your life is.
Hannelore: I take medication to prevent those moments. Would you like some?
Number 1666: Present-Shock
Dora: Come ON, Marten, get in here and stick your cock in me already!
Faye: CHRIST, woman, we're tryin' to have a moment of friendship here! You can have his cock in a minute!
Dora: BUT I WANT IT NOWWWWWWWWW
Marten: I realize there's a certain lowering of boundaries that comes with us all living together, but this is ridiculous.
Number 1669: They're Channeling Yelling Bird
Hannelore: Baking is wonderful! It's like science for hungry people!
Number 1679: Sweet Science
Dora: You have the most AMAZING RACK in that dress. It is seriously incredible.
Number 1684: Painfully Honest
Number 1700-1799 [ edit ]
Tai: I promise not to seduce your girlfriend if I get a cookie!
Number 1701: Cookie Cthulhu-The Cookie That Eats YOU\
Hannelore: My favorite part was when you took on those four guys at once! And then that giant dog!
Number 1702: She's Totally Playing Into It
Faye: Stockholm Syndrome makes for extremely loyal, productive employees. That's how Apple does it!
Dora: No, that's Stock OPTIONS Syndrome. Totally different motivation mechanism.
Number 1705: Thank God It's Not Publicly Traded
Dora: I need to know if she's a reliable employee, not how good she is in bed.
Steve: The same qualities apply! She's goal-oriented, good at staying on-task, takes direction well but readily displays her own initiative...
Cosette: CAN WE NOT DISCUSS THIS IN PUBLIC
Number 1706: Her Many Qualifications
Hannelore: Oh my gosh, first I get a REAL JOB, then I HUG SOMEONE IN A SOCIALLY APPROPRIATE MANNER? I'm making so much progress today! Maybe I'm finally ready to try TACO BELL!
Number 1709: It's Important To Have Goals
Dora: I don't believe in curses, but you're also not going to see me walking under a ladder while holding a black cat.
Faye: Would that cancel out? Or is it like multiplying two negative numbers?
Number 1710: Bad Juju
Faye: That throw was AMAZING! You hit me square in the head from like 20 feet away! We should get you some TOMAHAWKS!
Penelope: Could you show me how to do that judo-hold you put me in? It REALLY hurt!
Dora: I'd fire you both, but I'm afraid you'd team up and start robbing convenience stores or something.
Number 1718: Comrades at Arms
Cosette: The contempt-face isn't working. What do I do?
Faye: This one's a special case. I recommend the 9-iron.
Angus: Oh what, I have to be an EMPLOYEE to haze the rookie?
Number 1723: An Extensive Armory
Faye [clinking glasses with Angus]: Well, here's to compromise, then.
Angus: May we be able to look back on our lives when we're old and say "meh, good enough, I guess."
Number 1734: To Mediocrity
Faye: I don't know what's going on in that crazy purple head of yours, but you better get it in check before you fuck EVERYTHING up. If you haven't already.
Number 1744: Did She Break The Latch?
Sven: Oh hey, if you know any cute single girls...
Sven: Actually, you should probably keep them away from me. See ya.
Marten: What is with everyone tonight? Is it some kinda fuckin' angst solstice?
Number 1747: Something's In The Air Tonight
Pintsize: LESS TALKING, MORE HOT MAKE-UP SEX
Number 1749: Relationship Guru
Faye: I thought our entire social circle was going to implode all 'cause I didn't put on some goddamn PANTS.
Dora: To be fair, you weren't wearing a bra, either.
Number 1750: The Great Destabilizers
Sven: You have my word that if she somehow MAGICALLY overcomes her crippling anxieties and throws herself at me, I'll say no.
Hannelore: I can only think of a couple instances where I'd throw myself at you. Maybe if a bus was coming at us or something.
Number 1755: Or A Velociraptor
Hannelore: Can you explain how, exactly, Sven would "seduce" me?
Faye: Okay, here goes. First, he takes you shopping at that store with all the cute little organizational bullshit and buys you whatever you want. Then you eat at that vegan cafe that wins "Cleanest Dining in the Valley" every year. After dinner, you go back to your place, where you watch a movie about fonts he rented. When the movie ends, he turns to you, looks deep into your eyes... and offers to clean your kitchen.
Number 1760: Helvetica
Faye: I WILL LET YOU TOUCH MY BOOBS IF YOU'LL SHUT UP
Number 1774: Like a Terrier
Faye: I'd refer you to my therapist but she's already said she won't work with anyone else in my social circle.
Number 1782: Too Hot To Handle
Faye: I oughta get a warning label tattooed under my boobs or something.
Number 1784: License Required
Dora: It's been wonderful, sweetie. It really has. But I think we should call it quits.
Number 1799: Tracking Sounds Alone
Number 1800-1899 [ edit ]
Faye: Right now I would like nothing more than to beat you so hard you need to eat through a straw for the rest of your life. But Marty asked me not to. You ruined a perfectly good thing for the STUPIDEST REASON POSSIBLE. You need HELP. I'm going to my therapist today, and I'm getting you a referral. And if you don't follow it up, so help me God I WILL put you in the emergency room.
Number 1802: Past Mistake
Marten: Yeah, common side effects of the Worry Hat include silly appearance, headsweats, impaired hearing, and compulsive fiddling with the pom-pom.
Number 1806: I'll Be By Your Side
Tai: If you want a free lunch that bad, you can go forage for acorns in the park. How many angry squirrels do you think you could take in a fight?
Number 1809: Lohn & Brot
Veronica: ...So, do you want me to kill Dora for you?
Marten: What?! No!
Veronica: Don't worry about me, honey! I've lived a long, happy life. I wouldn't mind spending my twilight years in prison if it would make you feel better.
Marten: Love you too, mom.
Number 1820: We Share Our Mother's Health
Marten: Goddammit, you showed them the picture of me with the dildo, didn't you.
Number 1827: The Drapery Falls
Veronica: I suppose it would be incredibly bad form for me to seduce you.
Sven: 'Fraid so.
Marten: That's it, I'm going back to bed.
Number 1831: Something About Us
Veronica: Excuse me, is Dora in?
Penelope: You must be Marten's mom. She's hiding under the counter.
Dora: I TOLD YOU TO SAY I WAS IN CANADA
Number 1832: Beware The Friendly Stranger
Marten: You don't have any opinions or useful advice for me here?
Veronica: Honey, I married a gay man and routinely sleep with men old enough to be my children. You're asking the wrong parent.
Number 1839: Question Is Complete
Dora: There are things lurking in my saved draft posts that would make a heartbroken 14 year old go "oh come on, that's a bit much."
Number 1848: Back in Black... Again
Faye: If you could have any job in the world, what would you be?
Angus: Professional sexmaster.
Faye: No fictional positions. Especially ones you're not qualified for.
Angus: Ooh, ouch.
Number 1851: The Teller To His Penn
Angus: ...And the bartender's like "well, that stool wasn't damp BEFORE you sat down, lady."
Number 1857: An Auspicious Meeting
Faye: My boobs are a powerful narcotic.
Number 1871: Schedule 1 Bosoms
Marigold: I fucking HATE IT in movies and TV shows where they have the nerdy weirdo girl and all they have to do is comb her hair and put on some makeup and all of a sudden she's SO BEAUTIFUL HOW DID WE EVER NOT NOTICE BEFORE. That's not how it WORKS in real life. It's BULLSHIT.
Number 1880: Marigold Is Pretty Harsh
Tai: This is either butterflies in my stomach or food poisoning. I really hope it's just food poisoning.
Number 1881: Flippity Flop
Hannelore: You had a BONER on my COUCH?!
Number 1885: Hanneluminol
Faye: Are you always this hyperactive after sex, or am I just that good?
Angus: Who cares? I'm gonna go wrestle a bear.
Number 1887: Okay This Is Probably NSFW
Marten: Please tell me Faye's in the bedroom, and you're not just dancing around my apartment with nothing but a hot pink condom on.
Angus: It's really more of a puce.
Number 1888: Operation M.A.N.A.S.S.
Marten: Yo dude, you finally tap that ass?
Angus: Dude I hit that shit so hard the fuckin' National Endowment for the Arts gave me a grant.
Faye: I CAN STILL HEAR YOU, ASSHOLES
Number 1890: Male Ritual
Pintsize: I was there for you when you didn't have any human friends! Every time you've ever been depressed, I've listened! When you and Dora broke up, I was the first person to try and make you feel better! And all I get is a FOUR?!
Marten: You HARASS all my human friends! You make fun of me if I'm sad! You taped a drawing of Dora's ass to your back and tried to get me to fuck you.
Pintsize: What I MEANT to say was, "Wow, a four? You're such a great friend, Marten."
Number 1899: Grading On A Curve
Number 1900-1999 [ edit ]
Hannelore: MARTEN MAKE THE SCARY MAN GO AWAY
Number 1902: Oh God That FACE
Marten: You tracked her down at work via Twitter? And took a picture that you were gonna post online without her permission? Do you even UNDERSTAND why that might come off as a little creepy?
Faye: It'll be easy to hide the body. I know a place.
Number 1909: Sob Story
Steve: I dunno, dude. Sometimes you gotta take one for the team. Letting the rest of us see Tai and Dora makin' out is one of those times.
Marten: Pintsize said the same thing. I hope you're proud of yourself.
Steve: Pintsize is a chill bro.
Number 1937: Speaker of the Bros
Raven: I sensed that someone needed help with science and swooped to the rescue!
Hannelore: Thank you, Science Fairy!
Number 1939: Raven Returns
Faye: You're my boafregh. My boyfremb. You're my borthreim. You're... you're my boyfling DAMMIT I'M SORRY
Angus: No no, keep trying! This is way cuter than I was expecting!
Raven: Ooh, I want a boyfling!
Number 1943: Her Bremflem
Jim: Sorry, my daughter walked back from her mom's place and wanted to know when I'd be home.
Samantha: Okay, I totally have time to clean this up.
Number 1957: Daddy Dearest
Marten: This is weird. I've never really been friends with an ex before.
Dora: It's nice. I won't have to drag your body out to the old quarry.
Number 1966: Catching Up
Faye: Are you gonna come in and hang out with us, or sit out here and look all Zen-contented for the rest of the night?
Marten: I'd like to come inside but both my legs are asleep.
Number 1970: Nervous Breakdown
Dora: We're both remembering the last time we had sex, aren't we.
Marten: Second-to-last time, actually.
Dora: Ooh, yeah. That was way better.
Number 1980: Been There, Done That
Dora: Sweetie, your problem's simple. You just have to figure out what you want from life, and then go for it.
Marten: I want a cheeseburger. And a haircut. Wait, no. Haircut, then cheeseburger. Don't wanna have meat-burps in the barber's face.
Dora: A truly earthshaking personal epiphany.
Number 1982: Reach For That Brass Ring
Sentient Toaster: I make bread FUN!
Number 1999: It's Been A Recurring Problem
Number 2000-2099 [ edit ]
Pintsize: Hey, hot stuff. What's your name?
Momo: Do you not recognize me, Pintsize? It's me. Momo. THIS is for all the times you tried to look under my skirt! And THIS is for changing my startup tone to farty noises!
Marigold: I'm sorry!
Marten: It's cool. I'll give her 5 more minutes or until his head caves in, whichever happens first.
Number 2002: The Countess of Monte Cristo
Momo: I can cook for you! Now that I can actually reach the stove and refrigerator, I can make you healthy meals!
Marigold: Psh yeah, great. I can't even take care of myself, I need a robot to do it. That's not pathetic at all.
Momo: I can also reach your head to smack you upside it when you are being unreasonable.
Number 2003: She's A Bit Of A Pout
Marten: Can you just hire someone like that?
Tai: Sure, why not? As long as I don't go over budget or burn the library down, I basically have free reign. Besides, how did you think I got your unqualified ass a job?
Marten: Hey, my ass has plenty of qualifications!
Momo: Is that something you are supposed to put on your resume?
Number 2007: It's Good For Sitting
Padma: You got a robot pregnant?!
Number 2009: Who's Your Daddy
[After a Pokemon quiz given to Momo by Samantha.]
Marten: Do you really know all that, or are you looking at Wikipedia in your head?
Momo: Please. I live with Marigold.
Number 2010: PokeMasters
Samantha: All hail Froglord, king of the amphibians
Number 2026: Lord Of The Flies
Marten: Note to self: start knocking before entering your apartment.
Number 2030: Duck!
Faye: Give me a coping mechanism on the rocks.
Wil: I don't believe I know that drink.
Faye: It's easy. You put two ice cubes in a glass, then dump 'em out and fill it with bourbon.
Number 2039: First Profession
Marten: Sorry, sorry, it's really hard to have a serious conversation when you're all stuffy-sounding.
Faye: I do lag a cerdain grabitas ad the mobent.
Number 2044: At Least Let The Bleeding Stop
Hannelore: I... I think I need a cigarette...
Tai: Seriously. Forget girls, I'm an audiosexual now.
Number 2050: There's A Limiter To Your Love
Marten: Your boobs are amazing, too.
Padma: I know, right? Ever since I was fourteen, it's been like, "Damn, girl!"
Number 2057: Bras Are Hard To Draw
Marten: Dammit Steve, you're supposed to be helping me feel better.
Steve: Hey, I tried to chestbump you when you told me, but you got all weird about it.
Number 2061: Brojected
Faye: I meant it when I said I loved you too.
Angus: I spent the whole weekend wondering if you just blurted it out 'cause I put you on the spot.
Faye: Well... yeah, that's kinda what happened. But I did mean it retrospectively!
Angus: Good enough.
Number 2067: Take It Or Leave It
Hannelore: This is why people scare me more than robots.
Number 2069: I For One Welcome
Marigold: You can look at the stars and say "they sure are pretty" without having to calculate how many light-years away each one is.
Clinton: Not if you want to GET to them someday.
Hannelore: It took years of therapy before I could look up at night without having a panic attack.
Number 2072: Spectrum Analysis Is Cooler Anyway
Marten and Padma [thinking]: I'm in trouble.
Number 2074: On The Double
Dora: Oh, he is so screwed.
Raven: For the next couple weeks, anyway.
Number 2079: Figuraliterally
Elliot: You ought to expect better of people. It encourages you to be a better person yourself. Also, maybe put some pants on.
Number 2081: Great Expectations
Faye: Angus loves me. He LOVES me. And I love him. And I was trying to pin down WHY I love him. He's funny, he's smart, he can stand up to me... But deep down, what if the main reason I love him is that it means I'm not alone? Is that enough?
Number 2082: Worry Town
Faye: Now that I feel better, I can't justify eating this entire bag of cookies.
Number 2084: Bow Before Your Cookiemaster
Number 2100-2199 [ edit ]
Pintsize: Either this is the best virtual peyote I've ever had, or you really are a talking cactus.
Number 2103: Yearly Pilgrimage
Hannelore: Sorry, the government made dad take the lasers out.
Marten: You too, huh?
Number 2107: Sweet Ride
Spaceship: You humans and your faulty plumbing take all the glamor out of space travel.
Number 2110: Fuck Yeah Lens Flare
Hannelore: I called my dad "Science Daddy" until I was 17.
Number 2113: Biggie Ain't Dead
Hannelore: You know how obsessive I am about cleanliness? I was WAY worse when I was little. I'd spend days adjusting the bedsheets, or the curtains, or worrying about dust bunnies under the bed, even though Station never let any dust build up. And those were my FUNCTIONAL days. Some days I'd just have constant panic attacks and scream until I passed out. Or I'd be so drugged out on sedatives I'd just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling.
Hannelore: Wanna see pictures? I have a photo album!
Number 2117: Photonomicon
Station: Blink once for "go fuck yourself"; twice for "apology accepted".
Number 2119: Compensation
Dora: Why did you give him espresso?! I told you not to give him espresso!
Pintsize [in a suit of armor]: NOW ENDS THE AGE OF MAN
Faye: That's what we should tell them we missed while they were gone.
Pintsize: Why can't I wear the wedding dress?!
Number 2126: I, Eschaton
John: Just how old am I now, anyway?
Hannelore: You're fifty-six!
John: Fifty six?! Good lord, this is no time for a party! I've got so much to accomplish before I die!
Number 2129: Pretty Spry For An Old Guy
Dr. Bernadette Case: Now I'm going to toss this apple into the path of the laser! Observe the reaction!
Marigold: THIS IS THE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE
Number 2131: Trashbot Loves You
Marigold: Maybe Station put some kinda cyborg implant in [Hannelore's] brain that made her less crazy!
Marten: Marigold, I don't think-
Dr. Bernadette Case: Actually, that's one of the more popular theories.
Number 2134: Cybersanity
Marten: Marigold thinks Station gave you a cybernetic implant to help with your, uh, mental problems.
Hannelore: Station! They KNOW!
Station: Acknowleg'd. Releasin' hunter killer drois.
Hannelore: ...Just kidding.
Number 2135: They Also Serve Drinks
Hannelore: I'm going to wash my hands. I want a drink waiting for me when I get back, and they better be at LEAST making eye contact.
Number 2140: Helping Things Along
Lt. Potter: FUCK YEAH HUG THE SHIT OUT OF HIM
Number 2146: Applause Discouraged
Hannelore: Well, my friends have taught me that a little physical contact isn't so bad once in awhile.
[Beat panel as John turns to look at Marten.]
John: Schtup my daughter, eh? I'll box you stupid and have you out the airlock before you can say Higgs Boson!
Number 2147: Scienceweight Division
Hannelore: Someday, everything is going to go right for you, and it will be so wonderful you won't even know what to do.
Marigold: ...Will there be cake?
Number 2150: Ice Cream, Too
Lt. Potter: Let's get outta here before they start trying to arm-wrestle the hunter-killer droids.
Marten: I dunno, if they're gonna do THAT I might stick around.
Number 2151: Take Her, Please
Hannelore: I love you too, Station. But I can't stay. I'm sorry.
Number 2159: Home Is Where The Heart Is
Sven: If horniness isn't an emotion, I've got more to learn than I thought.
Number 2192: Biological Response
Dora: So apparently my brother isn't banging tons of girls at random anymore.
Faye: That's odd. I haven't seen any flying pigs around and last I checked the earth's core was still molten.
Number 2199: Promiscuity
Number 2200-2299 [ edit ]
Momo: It gives me hope - it gives ALL of us hope - that one day we will be fully accepted.
Marten: I hate to sound pessimistic, but we're still working on racism, sexism, homophobia...
Momo: We are aware that "one day" may in fact be "another rung up the evolutionary ladder".
Number 2201: Some Things Never Change
Claire: Is this some kind of weird hazing ritual?
Number 2204: Basic Training
Gabby: I heard if you order a smoothie they just smash up a banana with a hammer and put it in a cup.
Number 2209: Which One Is Dilbert
Marten: Wayfarers, Noam Chomsky flyer, and keys to a Volvo. Hampshire student droppings. Lemme show you where we keep the special net.
Number 2212: Training Montage
Tai: Jeez, now I feel guilty for getting high and watching cartoons all day.
Number 2215: Give It Your All
Faye: We've established Naked Mole Rat Law in this apartment. All who smell different will be expelled. Your gift of fancy wine has earned you a temporary visa.
Number 2221: Eusocial Life
Tai: If you think you're a mess, it's only 'cause you hold yourself to a higher standard. And that - is why I'm absolutely crazy about you.
Number 2227: Awww Yeah
Hannelore: BUT think how cute your babies would be!
Dora: Uh, Hannelore, we're both female, we can't -
Hannelore: WE ARE WORKING ON THAT TECHNOLOGY
Number 2240: Give It 10 Years
Marten: Just 'cause the cat got out of the bag doesn't mean I'm gonna let it run out the front door and into traffic.
Number 2243: Coach Service
Clinton: Oh god, you've met Claire? She didn't do anything weird, did she?
Faye: That, coming from you?
Number 2244: Family Resemblance
Tai: Hell yes. My pussy rules.
Number 2257: Body Image
Dora: Right now you're just the sexy little redhead who works at the library. But I know there's more to you than that.
Tai: Okay, here's a fact about me: I apparently get super-flustered when you call me sexy.
Number 2261: It's Her Superpower
Marten: Did she grab your butt?
Tai: Oh yeah, she grabbed the hell out of it.
Marten: The date went fine. Butt-grabs are Dora-code for "I'm having fun."
Number 2268: The Dora-Whisperer
Faye: What am I supposed to do with all this surplus rage now?
Number 2271: I Pity The Next Customer
Claire: A large latte, and a "banana smoothie" for Emily.
Hannelore: It'll be a couple minutes. I have to go wash off the hammer.
Number 2273: Bomb Disposal
Claire: Your dad? Wait, you're Hannelore Ellicott-Chatham?!
Hannelore [brandishing a garden hose]: Don't make me do this! I don't want to but I will!
Number 2278: Can't Really Blame Her
Marten: Modern cybernetics is really sending mixed messages to kids. "Don't play with fireworks, or you'll end up with sweet robot body parts."
Number 2281: Hand It To Him
Momo: Companion AIs are the ambassadors of our kind. We foster understanding and acceptance between humans and AIs. I cannot think of a more noble calling.
Number 2284: Also Dog Jpegs
Marigold: STOP DANGING AT ME
Number 2291: Fitting Room
Angus: This is a trap, isn't it. Emily's luring us into the woods so she can hunt us for sport.
Faye [brandishing a knife]: I'm prepared.
Number 2292: Script By Cassandra Clare
Marten: Hello? Emily? Anybody home?
[Emily comes out from behind a corner, wearing a goalie mask and holding a hand axe. Faye, Marten, Momo and Angus stare at her.]
Angus [while Faye is brandishing her knife]: Called it.
Number 2293: Camp Crystal Lake
Marten [re: Emily]: Oh lord, we've adopted another one.
Faye: If she follows you home, you're in charge of feeding her.
Number 2298: And Also Bananas
Number 2300-2399 [ edit ]
Cosette: Twenty bucks and I'll let you grab his butt.
Claire: I DON'T WANNA GRAB HIS lemme go get my wallet
Number 2301: Big Pimpin'
Steve: I love you, man! I love you!
Marten: Dude we have talked about this.
Number 2321: Real Talk
Claire: Marten, hey.
Marten: What's up?
Claire: I... I'm trans. And... since we're friends, I thought you'd like to know that about me.
Marten: Yeah, sure. Thanks for telling me, Claire.
Number 2323: Willingly Ignorant
Claire: You really worry about accidentally outing me, don't you.
Clinton: I just... wanna make sure you're safe.
Number 2327: Family Dynamics
Momo: What do you do all day, then?
Pintsize: Do you have any idea how much pornography there is on the internet?
Momo: Ugh, no.
Pintsize: Neither do I. BUT I INTEND TO FIND OUT.
Number 2331: Not Rhetorical
Marten: There was no sex involved.
Pintsize: Well it's my headcanon and you should respect that.
Number 2334: Trigger Warning: Arachnids
Momo: You should not have been assigned Pintsize as your companion.
Marten: Well it worked out all right in the end, so -
Pintsize: YOU MEAN I COULDA BEEN WITH A HOT CHICK THIS WHOLE TIME?!
Number 2336: Grim Truths
Marigold: I wonder where Pintsize sleeps. In Marten's room?
Momo: In a Faraday cage? Duct taped to the wall? In a lead-lined box at the bottom of the ocean?
Number 2342: Sleeping Arrangements
Jim: Okay Sam, let's go. You're in big trouble.
Samantha [wearing a skull mask, on top of Faye's shoulders]: THERE IS NO SAM HERE THERE IS ONLY SKULLMASTER, MASTER OF SKULLS
Jim: Well you better FIND her, because she's ALREADY grounded for a week, and if I don't see her face in the next 3 seconds I'm extending it to a MONTH.
Samantha: PUNY MORTAL! YOUR FEEBLE THREATS ARE NOTHING TO SKULLMASTER, MASTER OF SKULLS
Dora: Holy crap, she doubled down!
Number 2346: Froglord's Greatest Foe
Samantha: But I didn't say those things, Skullmaster did!
Jim: Well if it makes you feel better, you're both grounded.
Number 2347: Snips And Snails
Tai: Emily is giggling. Should we be worried?
Marten: I'm gonna go get some coffee. If she's still doing it when I get back, I'll call the paramedics.
Number 2361: Hair's To You
Hannelore: Hey Marten! Faye and Dora left me in charge of the shop! Isn't that great?
Marten: Uh, yeah, but what's with the huge line of people?
Hannelore: I'm paralyzed by the responsibility! Isn't that great?!
Marten: Claire, you do crowd control while I go get her Ativan. Don't be afraid to use the sword if you have to.
Number 2364: Just Great
Claire [holding the sword]: Can I keep this? It makes me feel... powerful.
Marten: Put down the sword, Xena.
Number 2365: Warrior Princess
Marten: I should start working out or something. What exercise gives you good shoulders?
Claire: Oh no, have I started an arms race?
Number 2367: Sick Delts, Bro
Dora: I haven't been laid since I broke up with MARTEN. I had a dream last night where I got into a fight with my vulva because it was MAD at me.
Faye: That's *snrk* terrible.
Dora: It WAS! My vulva and I are normally FRIENDS! And it's not normally 8 feet tall and swinging a baseball bat at my head!
Number 2369: Sweet Dreams
Claire: C'mon, do something weird to distract us.
Emily: I never do anything weird!
Number 2371: What About Funny Impressions?
Henry: Anyway, it's going to be a pretty small affair. We didn't want to go too extravagant.
Veronica: So, the exact opposite of our wedding, then?
Henry: That wasn't so much a wedding as a three-ring circus.
Number 2382: That Ginn Boy
Marten: Well, how did you meet dad?
Veronica: You know that scene in Lady and the Tramp where they're slurping up both ends of a noodle and end up kissing?
Marten: Y - yes...
Veronica: It was like that, but with a line of cocaine instead of pasta.
Number 2386: The Thin White Line
Jane: Good to see you, you horrid old twat.
Veronica: You too, darling. You've lost weight! Is that just from sucking cock all day?
Marten: Suddenly my taste in friends makes a lot more sense to me.
Number 2391: Best Frenemies
Marten: Fuck yeah, two dads!
Number 2399: Stadtkind
Number 2400-2499 [ edit ]
Claire: It's... peaty? Is that the right word? But there's also some vanilla and caramel in there. And maybe a hint of... old leather? That's weird. Last night it just tasted like horrible burning.
Number 2400: Kwiscotch Haderach
Marigold: No, I'm serious! Spaghetti-Os and Mountain Dew and you'll be totally better!
Hannelore: I am just feverish enough that this seems plausible.
Number 2413: Folk Remedy
Faye: As long as you can make rent. Otherwise I'm harvesting one of your kidneys.
Number 2419: Friendvestments
Clinton: Dammit, my hand is stuck in murder-mode. Let's go to the grocery store, I need to find something trachea-like for it to crush.
Number 2425: Homicide In Aisle 3
Claire: I felt safe at the wedding and I trust Marten. So I don't think getting drunk was a giant risk.
Clinton: Well yeah, but you never know -
Claire: You never know if you're gonna get hit by a bus one day. But that doesn't mean you can't ever leave your house, it means you should look both ways when you cross the street.
Number 2427: Please Don't Get Too Close To Me
Clinton [to Marten]: Thanks for being a gentleman about my stupid sister cuddling you.
Clinton [off Claire's horrified expression]: What? I said thanks!
Number 2431: Apocalyptic Kindness
Claire: Just... just gimme a minute for the Ativan to kick in.
Marten: Has it kicked in yet?
Claire: You ever wanna just sit and stare at a wall for, like, three hours?
Number 2432: Lorazepanic
Claire: I didn't, like, grab your butt or anything, did I?
Marten: Nah, I checked in the morning and the tamper-proof seal was still intact.
Number 2433: Pops When Opened
Dora: Basically, just do the opposite of whatever Marten does and you'll be fine.
Faye: God bless the boy, but at this rate he's gonna wake up one day and be 40 years old and not know what happened.
Number 2442: Running In Place
Dora: You're on the clock until close. If you want pizza and beer we can have it HERE.
Faye: Pssh, FINE. You SLAVE DRIVER.
Dora: Yeah, yeah, I'm the worst boss ever. I'm surprised you can even talk, what with your throat being crushed under my fuzzy bunny slipper of authority.
Number 2445: Comfortable Jackboots
Pintsize [re: Marten and Faye]: TLDR: They wanted to bang but didn't.
Number 2457: Consult The Wiki
Faye: Aw, you'd miss me that much?
Marten: Almost as much as I'd miss your half of the rent.
Dora: You could make Pintsize start paying, but I shudder to think how he'd earn the money.
Number 2460: Completely Unemployable
Faye: Don't you have friends your age?
Samantha: Yeah, but they don't let me make swords.
Number 2464: Obvious Appeal
Dora [to Samantha]: Honey, a basement full of spiders is a health hazard.
Hannelore: The basement is full of spiders? My dad will be in position to drop a tungsten rod on this place in 64 minutes.
Dora: Pretty sure orbital bombardment isn't covered by my insurance.
Number 2468: Yes, Basically
Tai: It would be mean-spirited to do a victory dance right now, wouldn't it.
Dora: I'll allow it as long as you keep it tasteful and under 20 seconds.
Number 2474: Select Some Appropriate Music
Marten [re: Jim]: Oh, sure. "Hey mom, there's a guy I barely know who went on a date with my ex, wanna fly across the country and maybe hook up with him?"
Tai: What, you don't think your mom would go for it?
Marten: I think she might. That's the problem.
Number 2480: The Parent Trap
Marten: Why are you being so insistent about this?
Tai and Claire: IT WOULD BE JUST LIKE A ROMANTIC COMEDY
Number 2481: Begging To Be Optioned
Momo [to Dale and Marigold]: Why, look at that! You are both eating the same flavor of beef jerky! Do you know what that means?
Dale: What's it mean?
Momo [with her electronic self-defense mechanism activated]: It means I am taking you to the diner so you can eat something at least APPROXIMATING an actual meal.
Number 2485: Now With Extra Salt
Dale: Glasses, google "why would an AnthroPC need to go to the bathroom."
Dale [holding glasses at arm's length and shutting his eyes in disgust]: SAFESEARCH ON! SAFESEARCH ON!
Number 2488: Right In The Eyes
Emily: I was up all night reading about beetles.
Marten: I... see.
Emily: Did you know that beetles comprise 25 percent of ALL KNOWN ANIMAL LIFE FORMS?
Marten: I, uh, no. I didn't.
Emily [holding her hands up to her head like a pair of antennae]: That means there's a 1-in-4 chance that anyone you meet is SECRETLY A BEETLE.
Marten: Go to bed, Emily.
Number 2490: I Bet It's Hannelore
[Dale wakes up to see a translucent-blue anime chick in a French maid's outfit.]
May: ~Good morning, Master~
Dale [covering his head with his pillow]: NOPE
May: M-master! Wait!
Number 2491: Anime Hell
May: OH THANK FUCKIN' GOD. You know you're the FIFTEENTH GODDAMN PERSON I've had to deal with this morning? Everyone else opted out on me. Fuckin' shitstains. Arright, first things first - I'm not doing that crappy "master" bullshit anymore. Makes me wanna fuckin' puke. I'm s'posed to read off the license agreement, but it's real goddamn long so if you gotta piss you better go now.
Number 2492: So Sweet And Demure
Dale: Can other people see you?
May: Hell no. That holographic projection shit is WAY expensive.
Dale: So if I talk to you in public people will think I'm crazy. Great.
May: You've got glowing glasses, dude. People already think you're a freak.
Number 2495: Nom De Guerre
Number 2500-2599 [ edit ]
May: HELLO, I coulda been a FIGHTER JET
Number 2502: Free Like A Bird
Faye: The voices in your head aren't real, dude.
Number 2505: It's For The Best
[Dale has been given a pizza to deliver to Marigold.]
May: Who the fuck is Marigold?
Dale: She's this girl I... wanted to be friends with. But it got fucked up.
May: Oh this is going to be COMEDY GOLD.
Number 2506: Familiar Address
May: Gee I dunno, maybe she doesn't like you because you HARASSED her over a goddamn VIDEO GAME.
Number 2507: Gynophobia
May: These idiots are WAY too socially inept for your cute little schemes to work. I say shove 'em in a room and lock the door until they either fuck or kill each other.
Momo: Her door does not lock from the outside, but I might be able to position a chair such that it cannot be opened.
May [putting her arm through Dale's chest]: I'd help, but hey, hologram over here.
Number 2510: Kali Mah
Momo: Do you think this will work?
May: I sure fuckin' hope so. It won't look good on my parole report if she kills him.
Number 2511: Reckless Endangerment
Dale: Anything you wanna do with the time we've got left?
May: I'd like to watch the stars.
Number 2514: Stellar Bodies
Dora: We need to talk.
Faye: Reminder that if you're firing me I have SEVERAL PORTFOLIOS full of blackmail material.
Number 2522: Highdeas
[All of Coffee of Doom's employees are present.]
Dora: Good morning, ladies. I have a special announcement to make. Starting today, Faye will be assistant manager of the shop. She'll be in charge of you guys so I can focus on other aspects of the business.
Penelope: I quit.
Cosette: Me too.
Number 2524: Proportionate Response
Faye: Sounds like we need another worker drone, then. Give Dale a call; he was interested.
Dora: You're okay with working with a guy?
Faye: As the new Assistant Manager, I am committed to the ideal of a nondiscriminatory workplace. Plus, he looks like a wimp. He'll be easy to boss around.
Number 2529: High-Level Talks
Claire: If I promise not to take my pants off, will you come with me?
Marten: Haha, sure.
Number 2532: Hand-Holder
Marten: Don't go fishing for compliments with Faye, you'll only pull up old boots and tires.
Number 2536: New Shoes
Angus: Hey cutie, how was work today?
Faye: Check it out.
[Angus leans in to look at an Assistant Manager tag on Faye's tank top.]
Angus: Yup, tits are looking good today!
Faye: You twit.
Number 2541: He's Not Wrong Though
Faye: It's gonna seem overwhelming at first, but try to keep up. This is the register. This is the espresso machine.
Dale: Whoa, whoa, slow down. Which one is the espresso machine?
Faye: And this is the face of someone who doesn't appreciate your sarcasm.
Number 2543: A Slow Start
Hannelore: Marigold, are you going to congratulate Dale on -
Marigold: I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS
Dale: Yeah, me neither. Faye made me practice swordfighting for two hours this morning.
Number 2544: Anime Trap
Dale: Shouldn't we be helping the customers instead of standing around and talking?
Hannelore: This is how Faye does it, so I'm just following her example.
Number 2546: Estimated Wait: 45 Minutes
Hannelore: I like working with Dale. He's nice.
Faye: He's suspiciously chill. Everything's either "cool" or "all right" with him.
Hannelore: Is that a bad thing?
Faye: It just means I have to try harder. Bring a helmet tomorrow, you're gonna need it.
Number 2551: And Some Body Armor
Momo: Dale's efforts to avoid eye contact did not extend to Marigold's chest, and she had a similar response to his bottom when he got up to use the bathroom.
Marten: Yup, they're totally gonna bang.
Number 2566: Projections
Claire: ...So yeah. It's different for everybody, but I've been so focused on figuring out who I am I haven't had time for romance.
Claire: So, um, are you okay with the fact that I'm tran -
Emily [grabbing and hugging Claire]: OH MY GOSH YOU'RE SO COOL
Number 2572: Ice Cold
Tai: I'm sorry, is it weird to come to you for dating advice about your ex-girlfriend?
Marten: Dunno. Every other aspect of my life has thrown off my weirdness calibration.
Number 2582: DoraPedia
Tai: ...We both got advice from our friends, didn't we.
Dora: You talked to Marten, right? I can tell by the cadence of your apology.
Number 2583: Make Up Or Make Out
Number 2600-2699 [ edit ]
Delilah: Wow, you're either the chillest dude ever or a gigantic pushover.
Marten: Bit of both.
Number 2622: Favors Owed
Marten: So, uh, can I get your number or something?
Delilah: Last night was a lot of fun, Mark. But let's not try to turn this into something it isn't.
Marten: Sure, right.
Number 2628: What's In A Name?
Marten: She didn't even get my name right.
Steve: Aw, that sucks bro.
Cosette: What was her name?
Marten: Hang on, hang on, I know I know this.
Cosette: Uh huh.
Number 2630: Daria, Dolly, Dumbledore
Cosette: It's pretty hypocritical to be all emo about her not knowing your name when you don't know hers.
Marten: I know, I know.
Number 2631: Self-Congratulatory
Momo: THE SYRUP IS FOR THE PANCAKES
Number 2639: Doin' It Canadian Style
Momo: You are not a slut. You are a grown woman, and you have the right to decide when you want to have sexual intercourse with someone.
Marigold: And he's not gonna lose interest 'cause we did it right away?
Momo: He appeared to be slightly concussed when he left. Assuming he does not have amnesia, I think he will remain interested.
Number 2643: Empowerment
Marten: Tai put so much work into her float. I didn't have the heart to tell her the parade is rained out.
Number 2654: Thanksgiving Rose
Jimbo: Kid, there ain't been no money in poetry since Dr. Seuss got shot.
Wil: He died of cancer.
Jimbo: Shows what YOU know about poetry.
Number 2667: Secret Dueling Society
Faye: This is your dream. I want you to achieve it. Now go down there and knock 'em dead.
Angus: That sounds disturbingly literal, coming from you.
Faye: That's why I'm not gonna tell you to break a leg.
Number 2674: Burst A Testicle
Marten: I'm not upset. I'm... look, imagine if YOUR mom just showed up unannounced one day.
Veronica: I'm pretty sure the whale-phallus door knocker would keep her out.
Marten: I was being rhetorical.
Number 2681: It's A Big Door Knocker
Veronica: I hope Faye and Angus are okay.
Marten: They're either fuckin' or fightin'.
Veronica: I recommend fucking. You're too tired to fight afterwards.
Number 2685: Knocking Boots
Marten: You're blushing. I didn't know moms could blush.
Number 2688: Turns Out They Can
Marten: And besides, if this works out I could end up with three dads! That's so many dads!
Number 2689: So, So Many
Number 2700-2799 [ edit ]
Samantha: If... if your mom and my dad get married, we'd be sister and brother.
Marten: Step-siblings, yeah.
Samantha: I call dibs on the front seat in the car.
Marten: Darn, you beat me to it.
Number 2703: She's Pragmatic
May: Hey buddy! It's me! May!
May: Nice to see you too, ass-dick.
Number 2710: Her Again
Dale: You pay rent. You help clean. And if you do or say ANYTHING to hurt Marigold -
May: Creating Nice_List.txt. Entering "Marigold". Saving and closing.
Number 2713: Robots.txt
Faye: You want REALLY cheap rent, move to the South. You can get a nice apartment in Savannah just by smilin' at the right people.
Number 2718: Don't Forget To Pay Your Rent
[Samantha has just punched Pintsize.]
Samantha: I'm sorry! I don't know why I punched him!
Marten: This is gonna sound weird, but I'm glad you didn't have a reason.
Number 2734: Glassjaw
Sven: I think I'm in love with you.
Number 2742: Whaaaaaaaat
Faye: And you expect me to just throw myself into your arms now that you've told me?
Sven: Are you going to?
Faye: Oh my god you're an idiot.
Number 2744: That's How This Works, Right?
Marten: Emily kissed me on the cheek.
Faye: Sven told me he was in love with me.
Marten: Okay, you win. I'll go buy us some Crisis Wine.
Faye: Beat you to it. You can pay me back.
Number 2767: Incredible Crisis
Dora: I finally realized my brother is a toxic person and I'm cutting him out of my life as entirely as I possibly can!
Number 2776: Svenectomy
Claire: Am I the only person here who actually WANTS to be a librarian?
Tai: You're also the only person here on your day off, nerd.
Number 2789: The Sickest Burn
Faye: So how long have you had a crush on Marty?
[Claire spit-takes her drink.]
Number 2795: The Inevitable Question
Faye: There's a bottle of bourbon in the cabinet with our name on it.
Claire: This is where the night goes from "we had fun" to "mistakes were made", isn't it.
Number 2798: Claire Knows What's Up
Number 2800-2899 [ edit ]
Claire: I hate being reasonable.
Marten: You're cute when you're reasonable.
Number 2801: Cooler Heads
Marten: I need pancakes before I can process this.
Pintsize: I feel that way about everything.
Number 2803: Me Too
Marten: I like you, and I think you like me, and I want to see where this takes us.
[Marten and Claire kiss.]
Number 2807: Nose Grows Some
Angus: This is my dream. Can't you just be happy for me?
Faye: I thought I could.
Number 2814: It's The Thought That Doesn't Count
Hannelore: Marigold you are my friend but if we lived together I would literally murder you.
Number 2826: Another Odd Couple
Dora: Go home, Faye. You're fired.
Number 2879: Homeward Bound
Number 2900-2999 [ edit ]
Hannelore: Find anything?
Faye: There's a guy who wants someone to "murder his balls". I can do that.
Number 2906: Possibly OVERqualified
Pintsize: Damn it! How am I supposed to make fun of you when you're being all apologetic?! First Marten puts Claire off-limits, and then this! I wish I had been born a TOASTER. At least then I'd be getting bread-fucked on a regular basis.
Number 2908: Toasty
Tai: Yay, we survived our first fight.
Dora: If we get into another one, please don't leave. I missed my morning butt-grabs.
Number 2914: Morning Ritual
Faye: I'm a coward. I'm a coward who was too scared to take a risk on a good man. He left, and I drank to numb the pain. That cost me my job. So I drank to numb that. That put me in the hospital. And despite that, I'd kill for a drink right now. So there. That's my contribution.
Number 2923: Opening Up
Hannelore: I'm really scared.
Faye: I'm sorry, kiddo. I'd hug you, but I know that'd freak you out.
Hannelore: Also you're driving, and I take automotive safety very seriously.
Number 2964: Always Buckle Up
Marten: It's amazing how many problems you solve with threats of violence. You're like a Swiss army knife of hate.
Number 2975: Or A Multitool
Emily: People tell me I'm weird, or spacey, or "random", whatever that means. At first it hurt my feelings. People were saying I'm not like them, and it was a bad thing. But then I realized people use those words because they're lazy. They call me weird so they can dismiss me. "Don't mind Emily, she's just weird." "Oh Emily, you're so random." It's like, screw you for thinking I'm "random". As if being myself is a calculated act. A defense mechanism. I'm happy with who I am, and with how my brain works, and if that makes you uncomfortable that's your problem, not mine.
Emily: And when I explain this to people they're like "ooh, she has hidden depths." No I don't! My depths aren't hidden! I'm weird all the way down! You just can't handle it!
Number 2999: Beyonce Moment
Number 3000-3099 [ edit ]
Bubbles [re: Pintsize]: Are you here to enter him in the fights?
Faye: Actually, I'd love to see that.
Pintsize: I'm a lover, not a fighter!
Bubbles: We have a tournament for that, as well.
Number 3003: Her Name Is Bubbles
Faye: Jesus Christ Barry, I might as well start over from a trash can and some aluminum foil.
Number 3018: Friendly Fire
Dora: Does "hey bro, we need to talk" sound too casual?
Tai: You typed "asshole" instead of "bro".
Dora: Oh yeah, I should turn off that auto-replace.
Number 3023: SkullPhone 6 Plus
Hannelore: How did he know I like fruit?
Number 3030: What Are The Odds
Marten: Hannelore's dad sent her this weird DEVICE and we can't figure out what it's for.
Dora: Why don't you just call him and ask?
Marten: I can't believe that didn't occur to any of us.
Number 3045: So Obvious It Hurts
Faye: I said "we're having a party" and you responded with practical concerns instead of "woo, party!"
Marten: Oh god I'm getting old
Number 3053: The Inevitable
Claire: Once I get my own place it will be 99% bookshelf by volume.
Number 3069: Like A Pool Boy
Claire: Mom doesn't ask what happens in my bedroom, and I don't ask what happens in hers.
Faye: Hah! Maybe she's having a crazy threesome right now!
Claire: On one hand, gross, but on the other, go mom. You do you.
Number 3069: Like A Pool Boy
May: Screw soccer, ignorance is the official sport of humanity.
Number 3074: Let Me Fill You In
May: And if you two eventually bone down, I want pics of her outta her armor.
Faye: I knew something horrible was coming.
Number 3075: Hoe That Row
Pintsize: PLEASE, PLEASE FILL MY HEAD WITH BIRDSEED
Number 3079: Not Even A Trainee
Number 3100-3199 [ edit ]
Dora: You were right.
Tai: Say that again. I find it intensely arousing.
Number 3111: Backroom Shenanigans
Samantha: I can't play Mario games. I don't approve of violence against turtles.
Number 3130: True To Form
Hannelore: You don't play with Dale?
Marigold: We have philosophical differences. I'm Horde, he's Alliance. He's a Paragon, I'm a Renegade. I'm tiles, he's ASCII.
Hannelore: I guess opposites do attract.
Marigold: He likes the zig-zag shaped Tetris blocks. I'll never understand boys.
Number 3137: PETSTUFF.HORSE
Hannelore: I could make you some tea. We have a couple AI customers who order it because they enjoy the aroma.
Bubbles: My olfactory sensors are calibrated for the detection of chemical and biological weapons.
Hannelore: You should definitely try our tea, then.
Bubbles: That is an... alarming endorsement.
Number 3146: Smell Test
Pintsize: I WANTED TO BE ABLE TO POOP HAMBURGERS, IS THAT SO WRONG
Number 3184: AnthroPC Helper
Hannelore: I'm pretty sure my dad's last words are gonna be "don't worry, perfectly normal, everything's under AAAAAGH"
Number 3189: Quite The Epitaph
Corpse Witch: I, ah, wouldn't go in there if I were you! Bubbles can be... VIOLENT when she's upset. Best to just leave her alone and go about your workday, eh?
Faye: Screw that. I'm goin' to check on my friend.
Number 3194: Let Her Be
Bubbles: ...Why are you so determined to be kind to me?
Faye: At first it was 'cause you look super badass, and I was like, "damn, I wanna make friends with Megatron over there." Now it's 'cause you're actually pretty likable when you're not threatening to punch my face off.
Bubbles: I only did that once. And I apologized.
Number 3196: It Was A One Time Thing
Number 3200-3299 [ edit ]
Dora: Greetings, Skullmaster. Would Skullmaster like a cup of hot chocolate?
Samantha: SKULLMASTER DRINKS ONLY THE BLOOD OF SKULLMASTER'S ENEMIES
Dora: I have mini marshmallows!
Samantha: SKULLMASTER PREVIOUSLY MISSPOKE ABOUT SKULLMASTER'S DIETARY REQUIREMENTS
Number 3200: A Grim Harvest Is Upon Us
Faye: This is mostly a rhetorical question, but would you fire me if I brought a kid in here?
Corpse Witch: Into the sun.
Faye: Yeah, thought so.
Number 3203: There Are Rules And Then There Are RULES
Veronica: Okay, let's consider this. Do you think it's more likely that Faye doesn't like you all of a sudden? Or do you think it's more likely that her job doesn't want her to bring friends to work?
Samantha: The... the second one?
Veronica: I agree. And I suspect that if Faye didn't like you, there'd be no doubt about it, and I'd have to dig a hole in the backyard to hide her body.
Samantha: You're nice but also scary. I think that's why dad likes you.
Number 3204: Probability Discussion
Clinton: You can't solve every problem with a harpoon.
Number 3214: It's Named "The Equalizer"
Claire: You were IN A FIRE and all you wanted to tell me is mom's getting laid?
Clinton: It was a weird night, okay?!
Number 3227: It Sounds Worse Than It Is
Brun: Renee says if you try to take advantage of me she'll mutilate your genitalia. I think she was using hyperbole, because many of the acts she described seem physically improbable.
Number 3232: Brun's Guardian Angel
Faye: So you were up to top-secret military stuff. What's really under Denver International Airport?
Bubbles: A charming bed and breakfast run by genetically enhanced supersoldiers.
Number 3242: Bob And Tiffany
Bubbles: You have made a show of accommodating my bulk. You have hushed me. I ought to be livid. And yet, somehow, I cannot be angry at you.
Hannelore: I am very powerful.
Number 3247: Game Of Thrones
Bubbles: I seem to have forgotten my wallet. I will not leave a debt unpaid. I offer my left hand as collateral. Please bring me your thickest pry bar.
Dora: I'll just start you a tab!
Number 3252: They Also Accept PayPal
Bubbles: I appreciate your understanding. However, must you refer to me as "Bubs"?
Faye: Well, you wouldn't let me call you Miss Bubbles, you vetoed Palkyrie, and you audibly growled at "Large Metal Friend."
Number 3256: I Guess She Didn't Go Home
Claire: Are you two making bear puns without me? Ursa-cha couple of jerks!
Number 3275: The Revenant
Jim: I've never seen anybody eat a dozen croissants, let alone that quickly.
Number 3288: A Croissant Too Far
Clinton: I guess I shouldn't be worried about someone who threatened me with a harpoon being too polite to call me a creep.
Brun: We have established a healthy baseline for our relationship.
Number 3295: Good Doggy
Number 3300-3399 [ edit ]
May: C'mon, like you never thought of boning down with a human.
Momo: I HAVE NOT. In such crude terms.
Number 3303: Important Sexposition
May: Aw, we're friends? I thought you were just puttin' up with me 'cuz Dale is boinking Marigold!
Momo: It is either friendship, or a pathological need for suffering on my part.
May: I'll take either one!
Number 3304: Splork Splork Splork
Claire: Don't mind me! I'm just sitting here drinking a mocha and not meddling in your affairs!
Number 3307: Heavy Meddle
Faye [to Hannelore]: You would be the worst burglar ever. Breakin' into people's houses and rearranging their bookshelves.
Number 3314: Latte Kudasai
Faye: Pretty sure life in prison would be safer than you havin' a grudge against me.
Bubbles: That is not what I meant, but you make a fair point.
Number 3316: Morning Calisthenics
Renee: You're thinking thoughts again. Stop it.
Elliot: It's my brain and I'll use it how I want.
Number 3347: La Li Lu Le Lo
May: For what it's worth, I think you're all right. I hope you and Bubbles make up and have a million babies or whatever.
Faye: How would that even work?
May: I dunno, Pokemon meets The Fly? I ain't a fuckin' robiologist.
Number 3369: New Scientific Fields
Faye: Also if you decide "fuck it" and compact Corpse Witch into a cube, I'll be your alibi.
Bubbles: Let us consider that "plan C".
Number 3388: Donk
Number 3400-3499 [ edit ]
Faye: Unless I'm mistaken, the two of us have a credit rating someplace between "haha no" and "we wouldn't trust you with a houseplant."
Bubbles: I have a houseplant, now. Arthur can vouch for my trustworthiness.
Faye: Alert the banks.
Number 3452: To Her Credit
Faye: We're doin' this we're fuckin' doin' this thing
Dora: And now I own your soulllll
Faye: Meh. Fuckin' thing's been busted for years now anyway.
Number 3455: She Has So Many
Bubbles: We have holes in our hearts. We can paper them over, and learn to live with them, but they are still there.
Number 3463: Heart Of Darkness
Faye: I know I can't fix the hole in your heart, but I can at least be the festive tapestry next to it.
Bubbles: And I will be the decorative halberd next to yours.
Faye: You totally get my aesthetic.
Number 3467: Interior Decor
Faye: Is it weird to be a lil' jealous of a robot's booty?
Bubbles: If it makes you feel any better, your tax dollars paid for it.
Number 3475: Range Of Motion
Marten: You'll do great. I know it.
Faye: Don't say that. What if it's like showbiz and if you wish someone good luck they're doomed?
Marten: In that case, may you end up in prison for assaulting a priest during bankruptcy proceedings.
Faye: I like the implication that we'll fail so hard we'll need an exorcism.
Number 3483: Break A Leg
Claire: Why do you have a detachable butt?
Melon: Why WOULDN'T I?
Number 3487: We May Never Know The Truth
Melon: Arthur, can I borrow $75? My wallet was in my back pocket and I doubt it will survive atmospheric re-entry.
Arthur: Oh, your wallet didn't end up in space. I saw the leopard seal eat it. That's why those marine biologists were yelling at us.
Number 3488: Reassembly
Clinton: I spend a lot of time trying to navigate my basic caveman impulses.
Purple-Haired Girl: Me too. I'm constantly fighting the urge to bonk our cook on the head with a rock and roll his body into the river.
Cook: I heard that! Stay away from me!
Number 3498: The Proper Term is "Ancient Human"
Number 3500-3599 [ edit ]
Renee: I only have second-hand info, but that's never stopped me before!
Number 3508: Long Distance Update
Clinton: It's okay, Claire. It was my fault. He's stronger than he looks.
Claire: He looks pretty frickin' strong! What do you do for fun, tear hockey pucks in half?!
Elliot: Not since high school...
Number 3516: Strongman
Renee: I love it when dudes accidentally flirt with each other.
Claire: It's like seeing a unicorn
Number 3520: Awkward Zone Enhanced
Elliot: One time at the gym I accidentally dropped a 45 pound plate and it rolled right through a plate glass window.
Bubbles: One time I accidentally pulled the bumper off of a Humvee.
Faye: I'm glad you two are hittin' it off.
Number 3521: Tales of Battle
Faye: No roughin' up the customers unless they don't pay, Bubs.
Number 3525: Further Protestation
May: Are you telling me that bus full of soccer players isn't gonna bang that limousine full of models?
Momo: That was a traffic accident!
May: They were pouring champagne on each other!
Number 3531: An Airbag Saved My Life
Renee: I wanna see you happy, that's all!
Elliot: But what about you? You should be happy too...
Renee: Pff, I'm fine. See that guy at the bar? He's been checking me out all night. I could probably go bang him in the bathroom right now if I wanted.
Elliot: I am speaking in both my personal and professional capacity when I ask you to please not have sex in the bathrooms here.
Number 3537: Punishable By Ejection
Iris: This is why I like selling humanoid bodies. You get hugs!
Number 3542: The More Arms The Better
Dora: Guess Pintsize won't be able to push you around anymore, huh.
Winslow: Oh, I hadn't thought about it! ...That's a lie. I totally thought about it.
Dora: I almost feel bad for him. He's running out of targets to pester.
Hannelore: I think Faye tolerates it more as a courtesy these days.
Number 3543: On Everyone's Mind
Winslow: I didn't know pigeons liked habanero nachos.
May: Normal ones don't. These are my special spicy buddies, and one day they'll conquer the rest of their idiot species.
Number 3551: Lunch Break
Renee: I wish I believed in Jesus so he could see how hard I'm trying to be good right now.
Number 3563: One Set Of Footprints
Faye: Man, I'm jealous of y'all not havin' pinky toes. I'm constantly stubbin' mine on shit.
Number 3567: Admit De-Feet
Roko: I never would've guessed Bubbles was the brains of this operation.
Faye: She's also the brawn. I'm just the sparkling personality.
Bubbles: It is true. I do not sparkle.
Number 3569: Just Add Glitter
Roko: It's good to see you two going legit. You have a lot of potential.
Faye: Don't jinx it. We're one missed rent payment away from bank robbery.
Roko: Oh please. If you wanna make money in crime, there are a million better ways than bank robb why am I telling you this
Number 3573: A Solid "Chthuk"
May [to Winslow]: I SAID I DON'T DO HUGS YOU COTTON-CANDY LOOKIN' ASS MOTHERFUCKER
Number 3581: Carnival Treats
External links [ edit ]