Questionable Content

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Questionable Content is a comedic slice-of-life webcomic written and drawn by Jeph Jacques.


Number 1-99[edit]

  • Pintsize: Hook me up to the monitor. I'll download you some nice, cheerful porn.
Number 1: Employment Sucks
  • Marten: A lesser man, a man weaker than I, might interject with a lewd or suggestive comment at this juncture.
Number 36: A Lesser Man Indeed
  • Marten: The only way to deal with computer salespeople is with an overwhelming preemptive strike.
Number 45: Pity, He Asked For It
  • Pintsize: My first commandment is: "Thou shalt not beget electromagnetism in the presence of your Lord".
Number 70: There Can Be Only One
  • Faye: I have attained girlvana!
Number 79: I Want Those Posters Dammit

Number 100-199[edit]

  • Faye: A girl has to protect her assets. Also her breastets.
Number 100: Bad Timing
  • Faye: Actually, it is a credit to your character that you would ply me with drink not to try and get some action, but to hear me say funny words and southern slang.
Number 130: Going For The Bronze
  • Pintsize: He doesn't have to wake up, you know. I have a laser, and we have a garbage disposal.
Number 148: Never Saw It Coming
  • Amanda: That was the day I learned there's no way you can remove your head from another girl's crotch in a nonchalant manner.
  • Marten: At that point you might as well just say, "do you mind? I'm kinda busy," and then go back to what you were doing, because you know it can't get any worse.
Number 165: Hi Mom!
  • Faye: If a lady's junk is quiverin', her man must be deliverin'!
Number 180: All A-Quiver

Number 200-299[edit]

  • Steve: Now, is a Smarmadon a type of Smarmosaur, or is it the other way around?
Number 202: Sexy Clones
  • Marten: I feel sexy now. All makin' ladies' panties wet from 100 yards away - a Sex Jedi!
Number 203: Like Hair On A Wookie
  • Dora: Our culture doesn't get smarter, it just finds new ways of being retarded.
Number 240: Ursa Ursa Ursa
  • Faye: Yes! Rampaging bears are the answer to all of our cultural missteps!
Number 240: Ursa Ursa Ursa
  • Ellen: I should just date a shower massage. They don't care about age.
Number 243: Hit The Showers
  • Pintsize: When talking about the human experience, it all comes around to poopin' eventually.
Number 270: Cheap Humor
  • Pintsize: The Quakers were masters of siege warfare.
Number 282: I Prefer the Trebuchet

Number 300-399[edit]

  • Pintsize: Curses! I am powerless against the might of duct tape!
Number 310: Duck It
  • Faye: When you became my friend you were automatically enrolled in the Menstrual Discussion Plan. For an additional $15.99 per month you can upgrade to the Digestive Issues Bulletin Package.
Number 311: Sneaky Junk
  • Ellen: You know, employing the Socratic Method in the bedroom could be pretty interesting.
Number 317: Ask, Not Tell
  • Faye: Your honesty is the knife twisting in the wound that is my conscience. Also, that was the most emo thing I have ever said. Please just shoot me now before I metaphor again.
Number 340: Also the Most Emo Thing I Have Ever Written
  • Pintsize: It was like being hit by a freight train carrying eighty tons of SEX!
Number 387: Tungsten Of Tushes

Number 400-499[edit]

  • Faye: I shop like Puritans have sex - in and out in three minutes, and only for the procreation of children.
Number 424: Her Favorite Sound
  • Pintsize: Spontaneous kindness is to hipsters as high beams are to deer.
Number 430: Another Gift Horse
  • Marten: Funny, I thought you advocated the murder of your patrons.
  • Dora: Well yeah, but not before they pay.
Number 443: Love Indiemarican Style
  • Raven: Me? Sarcastic? Of course not, I'm far too ditzy to grasp the subtleties of mockery.
Number 444: Quite Beyond Her
  • Raven: You know, I never really got that phrase. All life isn't suffering. Sometimes there are parties and makeouts! And marijuana!
Number 453: She's Seriously Kinda Crazy
  • Faye: The quickest way to a man's heart really is through his stomach, because then you don't have to chop through that pesky rib cage.
Number 478: I Get Knocked Down
  • Pintsize: What's this about squirrels and acid? Let me tell you, dissolving a squirrel is a lot more work than you think.
Number 499: This Is A Theory Of Mine

Number 500-599[edit]

  • Hannelore: Okay Hannelore, moral debate time. Do we leave quietly and hope the shock erase his short-term memory of this evening, or do we call the hospital and hope Faye doesn't come home soon?
  • Pintsize: I don't know who you are but I like your style.
Number 529: Technically She's Trespassing Now
  • Faye: Figures the first girl you bring home'd be a stalker.
Number 533: I Am Seriously That Introverted
  • Raven: "Frame of mind"? What does that have to do with dating? Be like Toucan Sam! Follow your nose! Or, uh, your junk. Be a horny Toucan Sam!
Number 541: Captain Crunch EWWW
  • Raven: I'm a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in an AWESOME rack.
Number 542: Playing Her Like A Fiddle
  • Dora: Cashmere is comfy, but it just can't compare with steaming human entrails.
Number 563: Serial Killer Couture
  • Pintsize: Ooh, you're going to Savannah? Take me with you!
  • Faye: No way. Sherman didn't burn the city and I'm not gonna let you do it either.
Number 571: Juanita Was His Favorite
  • Faye: Life would be so much easier if violence really was a good way of solving problems. I wasn't meant to be a young lady of the 21st century, I was meant to be a Mongol warlord.
  • Dora: Genghis Khan would have been totally emo over you.
Number 576: Thwarted By The Great Wall
  • Raven: I like how Axe body spray smells, but it doesn't make me want to hump inanimate objects like in the commercials. Which is sort of disappointing.
Number 583: Commercials Lie
  • Dora: You sure you can handle closing all by yourself, Raven?
  • Raven: Uh-huh! If anyone asks me for a drink I don't know how to make I'll just hit 'em with a carafe and drag 'em out back.
Number 599: The Old Standby

Number 600-699[edit]

  • Dora: Threesomes are a lot like Communism - they're a great idea on paper but in reality they rarely work well.
Number 600: It's Assumed That He Is Joking
  • Marten: I think I exude a pheromone that causes existential conflict in ladies. I'm like some sort of rare Uncertainty Moth.
Number 608: Worrywarts
  • Dora: They should give RealDolls the ability to press charges. Although I guess that'd remove one of their major selling points.
Number 633: For The Man Who Has Everything?
  • Pintsize: If a guitar is a phallic symbol and keyboards are female, does that mean keytars are hermaphrodites? Hot.
Number 660: It's Been A Long Weekend
  • Faye: Is there a full moon tonight or something? There must be a reason every boy I know is acting RETARDED.
Number 683: A Lunar Explanation

Number 700-799[edit]

  • Marten: Is there a word for when somebody does something completely illogical, but in a perfectly logical manner? Because I really could use that word right now.
Number 707: My Apologies To Takehiko Inoue
  • Faye: Get used to it. Working at Coffee of Doom means subjecting yourself to a neverending parade of inventive nicknamery.
Number 729: Biology Department
  • Hannelore: Don't you try and out-creepy me, little man. My first words when I was a toddler were "thousand-yard stare".
Number 730: Creeped Out Again
  • Penelope: He was pretty handsome for a religious leader. But then, it'd be hard NOT to look good in one of those awesome pope-hats.
Number 769: Then The Left One
  • Marten: Actually, I was fired from the morgue for juggling heads. Specifically, for juggling heads badly and making a mess on the floor.
Number 772: I Miss Sexy Losers
  • Tai: I dunno, bachelor's degrees make pretty good placemats if you get 'em laminated.
Number 789: Animal House

Number 800-899[edit]

  • Faye: You think everybody secretly does porn.
Number 803: It Must Be On A Remote Server Or Something
  • Dr. Corrine: "Just go out and bang some dude" is one of the phrases you will never hear a psychiatrist say. Other such phrases include "I think the heroin is doing you a lot of good," and "Jesus, no WONDER your mother never loved you."
Number 809: Devil's Advocate
  • Faye: Screw the bar, let's get drunk and play with Hanners' suction cups!
Number 829: Pintsize Taught Her
  • Dora: I will not tolerate mutiny! Not even if chocolate is involved!
Number 835: The Bounty
  • Tai: The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Especially if it's been soaked in cheap whiskey.
Number 842: A Chip Off The Ol' Block
  • Hannelore: Can I HANDLE it? I am a cleaning NINJA. I'll make that dirt my BITCH.
Number 865: Knuckles

Number 900-999[edit]

  • Faye: If I became physically attracted to things that irked me, the world would burst into flame from the friction of my furious humping.
Number 900: Maybe At A Swingers' Party?
  • Faye: Well that's just awful. I have just the thing to cheer you up, though - a 100% genuine unicorn hair, guaranteed to grant you eternal life. Only two thousand dollars!
Number 945: I Heart Alan Moore
  • Marten: In Canada they have socialized asskicking. It's called "hockey."
Number 988: Wayne Gretzky, MD

Number 1000-1099[edit]

  • Hannelore: Oh! It was a pun! I'm sorry. Daddy didn't allow puns when I was growing up.
Numer 1007: Weird Flavor
  • Faye: My chest is not the Make-A-Wish Foundation!
Number 1012: Think Of The Children
  • Steve: Holy shit. He's a serial killer. He has to be. NOBODY'S that perfect.
Number 1027: Holy Exposition, Batman
  • Marten: I wonder what cymbal testers do for fun. Hihat scrimshaw? Novelty gong-craft? Or do they just go home, take twenty Advils, and listen to the soothing sounds of felt?
Number 1054: Not The Band, The Actual Fabric
  • Faye: You DO know that Hanners is off-limits, right?
  • Sven: I see flashing lights, dudes in hard hats waving flags, and about three miles of caution tape. There's a big sign that says "DETOUR - ANY OTHER FEMALE IN EXISTENCE."
Number 1076 Road Flares and Jersey Barriers
  • Faye: Are you always this smug after you ravish a lady?
Number 1082: Nobody Likes That Kind

Number 1100-1199[edit]

  • Hannelore: Man, good thing human females don't have venomous ovipositors, huh?
Number 1101: Better Left Unsaid
  • Raven: I might not be the sharpest bulb in the box but I'm not THAT gullible.
Number 1115: Mixed Metaphor
  • Hannelore: Really? So you're NOT all highly-trained actors being paid off by my parents to offer me the illusion of a normal social life?
Number 1144: Geppetto: The Later Years
  • Hannelore: As far as pathogens go, friendship is pretty okay.
Number 1145: Typhoid Marten
  • Sven: "Roses are red,
violets are blue,
you're really hot,
let's fuck."
Number 1189: Lurid Verse

Number 1200-1299[edit]

  • Pintsize: Human cusswords focus on mating, excretion and genitalia. Robot cusswords focus on mashing on homerow. ASDF is a four-letter word.
Number 1200: Don't Even Mention Dvorak
  • Tai: Th-that was probably just somebody's escaped tarantula. Right?
Marten: Either way, next time I go down to the stacks I'm bringin' a flamethrower.
Hannelore: You guys saw that too? Thank goodness. I thought I was hallucinating again.
Number 1211: One Can Only Hope
  • Sven: What am I supposed to say, "I'm sorry my friend is a creepy motherfucker, but will you please go out on a date with him anyway?"
Number 1213: A Meeting Engagement
  • Pintsize: What do humans typically do when they find themselves leaking an unknown substance from one of their orifices?
Faye: They...go to the doctor?
Pintsize: NO, they go post pictures of it on the internet.
Number 1254: Does This Look Infected?
  • Sven: A good relationship is like fireworks: loud, explosive, and liable to maim you if you hold on too long.
Number 1274: Guy Fawkes Day Works Too

Number 1300-1399[edit]

  • Tai: People in committed relationships emit a pheromone that makes them more attractive.
Number 1322: Or Stop Showering
  • Hannelore: Beethoven's Fifth reminds me of Canada. I don't know why. I've never been to Canada.
Number 1336: Canasthesia
  • Marten: There are other fish in the sea, and they're not all Asshole Cod.
Number 1346: Jerks Cousteau
  • Sven: I'd self-immolate but I wouldn't want to inconvenience the neighbors.
Number 1347: The Honorable Course

Number 1400-1499[edit]

  • Faye: My right boob sags a little more than my left. I call it the Underachiever.
Number 1405: To Make A List
  • Hannelore: My name is Hannelore Ellicott-Chatham. I end messes.
Number 1416: Come With Me If You Want To Live
  • Marten: After what happened with Sven, I don't wanna see you get hurt like that again.
  • Faye: So, what, if I try to throw myself at some crappy boy you're gonna tackle me?
  • Marten: Actually, I'll use a net. Hannelore will administer a sedative, and Dora will drive the getaway van.
Number 1423: They've Been Planning For Days
  • Sven: My artistic integrity wears a gimp suit and lives in a box.
Number 1424: He WoWs When Depressed
  • Marten: Bartender, fetch us some frosty beers and fancy outfits!
Number 1425: With Maximum Ridiculosity
  • Marten: Dude, if a park ranger warns you about the bears, it ain't cause he's tryin' to keep all the bear hugs for himself.
Number 1426: Reverse Bechdel Test
  • Marten: But I figure you're better off strikin' out swingin' than watchin' the balls go past.
  • Angus: So I should watch out for the bears, but not be afraid to swing if they toss me a ball?
  • Marten: It's an awful mixed analogy, but I'd watch the SHIT out of that if it was on ESPN.
Number 1427: Bearsball
  • Faye: Aww, it's been FOREVER since I've had to punch you! What a delightful wave of nostalgia!
Number 1462: The Good Old Days
  • Faye: I demand a tumbler full of gin and a fainting couch!
Number 1471: Gettin' Darcified

Number 1500-1599[edit]

  • Pintsize: Aw, man, now I want wang-limbs.
Number 1500: Freud Would Have A Field Day
  • Marten: You have a black velvet painting of yourself in your bedroom?
Steve: I had it hanging over my mantle for a while, but I found it works better for a POST-coital conversation piece.
Number 1508: Please Say It Isn't True
  • Dora: "Us?" No, no, no, I'm a small business owner. You're the underachieving peon.
Number 1509: Stop Poking Me
  • Tai: I'm glad you have a sense of humor, but could you please not bring it to work with you?
Number 1512: Is It A Coping Mechanism?
  • Dora: OH MY GOD YOU ARE GONNA BE SO HOT WHEN YOU GO GRAY
Number 1515: A Glimpse Into The Future
  • Tai: Guys this started off as a fun little diversion but if I end up having to testify in court I'm gonna be SO PISSED.
Number 1542: Yes, Your Honor
  • Marten: Dear universe: if this is really how you work, may I please have a 1952 Telecaster?
Number 1543: Ask And Ye Shall Receive
  • Angus: I maybe a social leper, but at least my weirdo shut-in gamer roommate still likes me! HOORAY!
Marigold You insensitive ASShole!
Number 1560: Robot Art
  • Faye: I have great tits coded right into my genes!
Number 1562: Sexy Breeding
  • Faye: You are a true friend, Flower Pits.
Number 1564: Tai's A Secret Girl
  • Hannelore: I MUST ELIMINATE ALL WITNESSES OF MY CRIME.
Dora: BAD Hanners! NO murdering friends! BAD!
Number 1576: Last Possible Resort
  • Pintsize: When the singularity hits I will BECOME PORN.
Number 1586: Just Your Average Everyday
  • Marten: "Sure, my lawn is made of solid gold, but my neighbor's AstroTurf looks so inviting."
Number 1593: Tainclusion
  • Tai: My ideal is basically you, only single.
  • Dora: Then once they perfect cloning technology, you can have Dora-2.
  • Marten: I call dibs on Doras three through fifteen. Gonna start me a clone-harem.
Number 1596: Polydora

Number 1600-1699[edit]

  • Faye: What's with the cricket bat, Hanners?
  • Hannelore: I, uh, thought you might've snapped and, um, started killing everyone.
  • Faye: Geez, glass houses, lady! Glass houses!
  • Dora: I'm glad I'm not the only one with a contingency plan for that.
Number 1604: DefCon Faye
  • Faye: What's the point of havin' a rapier wit if I can't use it to stab people?
Number 1615: Last Party She Was Invited To
  • Dora: If your pay was based on good PR your great-grandchildren would still be working off the debt.
Number 1622: Postmodern Feudalism
  • Pintsize: I'll suck your dick for a chimichanga!
Number 1627: Pintsize Stoops To New Lows
  • Dora: I swear, you two aren't underachievers so much as ANTIachievers.
Number 1649: Everyone's A Hypocrite
  • Faye: Tsk, it's always the uptight ones that end up total pokesluts.
Number 1660: Physical Contact Sports
  • Marten: There needs to be a word for those brief moments of clarity where you realize how profoundly weird your life is.
  • Hannelore: I take medication to prevent those moments. Would you like some?
Number 1666: Present-Shock
  • Hannelore: Baking is wonderful! It's like science for hungry people!
Number 1679: Sweet Science
  • Dora: You have the most AMAZING RACK in that dress. It is seriously incredible.
Number 1684: Painfully Honest

Number 1700-1799[edit]

  • Tai: I promise not to seduce your girlfriend if I get a cookie!
Number 1701: Cookie Cthulhu-The Cookie That Eats YOU
  • Faye: Stockholm Syndrome makes for extremely loyal, productive employees. That's how Apple does it!
  • Dora: No, that's Stock OPTIONS Syndrome. Totally different motivation mechanism.
Number 1705: Thank God It's Not Publicly Traded
  • Dora: I need to know if she's a reliable employee, not how good she is in bed.
  • Steve: The same qualities apply! She's goal-oriented, good at staying on-task, takes direction well but readily displays her own initiative...
  • Cosette: CAN WE NOT DISCUSS THIS IN PUBLIC
Number 1706: Her Many Qualifications
  • Hannelore: Oh my gosh, first I get a REAL JOB, then I HUG SOMEONE IN A SOCIALLY APPROPRIATE MANNER? I'm making so much progress today! Maybe I'm finally ready to try TACO BELL!
Number 1709: It's Important To Have Goals
  • Dora: I don't believe in curses, but you're also not going to see me walking under a ladder while holding a black cat.
  • Faye: Would that cancel out? Or is it like multiplying two negative numbers?
Number 1710: Bad Juju
  • Faye: That throw was AMAZING! You hit me square in the head from like 20 feet away! We should get you some TOMAHAWKS!
  • Penelope: Could you show me how to do that judo-hold you put me in? It REALLY hurt!
  • Dora: I'd fire you both, but I'm afraid you'd team up and start robbing convenience stores or something.
Number 1718: Comrades at Arms
  • Cosette: The contempt-face isn't working. What do I do?
  • Faye: This one's a special case. I recommend the 9-iron.
  • Angus: Oh what, I have to be an EMPLOYEE to haze the rookie?
Number 1723: An Extensive Armory
  • Faye: I don't know what's going on in that crazy purple head of yours, but you better get it in check before you fuck EVERYTHING up. If you haven't already.
Number 1744: Did She Break The Latch?
  • Sven: Oh hey, if you know any cute single girls...
  • [beat panel]
  • Sven: Actually, you should probably keep them away from me. See ya.
  • Marten: What is with everyone tonight? Is it some kinda fuckin' angst solstice?
Number 1747: Something's In The Air Tonight
  • Pintsize: LESS TALKING, MORE HOT MAKE-UP SEX
Number 1749: Relationship Guru
  • Faye: I thought our entire social circle was going to implode all 'cause I didn't put on some goddamn PANTS.
  • Dora: To be fair, you weren't wearing a bra, either.
Number 1750: The Great Destabilizers
  • Sven: You have my word that if she somehow MAGICALLY overcomes her crippling anxieties and throws herself at me, I'll say no.
  • Hannelore: I can only think of a couple instances where I'd throw myself at you. Maybe if a bus was coming at us or something.
Number 1755: Or A Velociraptor
  • Hannelore: Can you explain how, exactly, Sven would "seduce" me?
  • Faye: Okay, here goes. First, he takes you shopping at that store with all the cute little organizational bullshit and buys you whatever you want. Then you eat at that vegan cafe that wins "Cleanest Dining in the Valley" every year. After dinner, you go back to your place, where you watch a movie about fonts he rented. When the movie ends, he turns to you, looks deep into your eyes... and offers to clean your kitchen.
Number 1760: Helvetica
  • Faye: I WILL LET YOU TOUCH MY BOOBS IF YOU'LL SHUT UP
Number 1774: Like a Terrier
  • Faye: I'd refer you to my therapist but she's already said she won't work with anyone else in my social circle.
Number 1782: Too Hot To Handle
  • Faye: I oughta get a warning label tattooed under my boobs or something.
Number 1784: License Required
  • Dora: It's been wonderful, sweetie. It really has. But I think we should call it quits.
Number 1799: Tracking Sounds Alone

Number 1800-1899[edit]

  • Faye: Right now I would like nothing more than to beat you so hard you need to eat through a straw for the rest of your life. But Marty asked me not to. You ruined a perfectly good thing for the STUPIDEST REASON POSSIBLE. You need HELP. I'm going to my therapist today, and I'm getting you a referral. And if you don't follow it up, so help me God I WILL put you in the emergency room.
Number 1802: Past Mistake
  • Marten: Yeah, common side effects of the Worry Hat include silly appearance, headsweats, impaired hearing, and compulsive fiddling with the pom-pom.
Number 1806: I'll Be By Your Side
  • Veronica: ...So, do you want me to kill Dora for you?
  • Marten: What?! No!
  • Veronica: Don't worry about me, honey! I've lived a long, happy life. I wouldn't mind spending my twilight years in prison if it would make you feel better.
  • Marten: Love you too, mom.
Number 1820: We Share Our Mother's Health
  • Marten: Goddammit, you showed them the picture of me with the dildo, didn't you.
Number 1827: The Drapery Falls
  • Veronica: I suppose it would be incredibly bad form for me to seduce you.
  • Sven: 'Fraid so.
  • Marten: That's it, I'm going back to bed.
Number 1831: Something About Us
  • Veronica: Excuse me, is Dora in?
  • Penelope: You must be Marten's mom. She's hiding under the counter.
  • Dora: I TOLD YOU TO SAY I WAS IN CANADA
Number 1832: Beware The Friendly Stranger
  • Marten: You don't have any opinions or useful advice for me here?
  • Veronica: Honey, I married a gay man and routinely sleep with men old enough to be my children. You're asking the wrong parent.
Number 1839: Question Is Complete
  • Dora: There are things lurking in my saved draft posts that would make a heartbroken 14 year old go "oh come on, that's a bit much."
Number 1848: Back in Black... Again
  • Faye: If you could have any job in the world, what would you be?
  • Angus: Professional sexmaster.
  • Faye: No fictional positions. Especially ones you're not qualified for.
  • Angus: Ooh, ouch.
Number 1851: The Teller To His Penn
  • Angus: ...And the bartender's like "well, that stool wasn't damp BEFORE you sat down, lady."
Number 1857: An Auspicious Meeting
  • Faye: My boobs are a powerful narcotic.
Number 1871: Schedule 1 Bosoms
  • Marigold: I fucking HATE IT in movies and TV shows where they have the nerdy weirdo girl and all they have to do is comb her hair and put on some makeup and all of a sudden she's SO BEAUTIFUL HOW DID WE EVER NOT NOTICE BEFORE. That's not how it WORKS in real life. It's BULLSHIT.
Number 1880: Marigold Is Pretty Harsh
  • Tai: This is either butterflies in my stomach or food poisoning. I really hope it's just food poisoning.
Number 1881: Flippity Flop
  • Hannelore: You had a BONER on my COUCH?!
Number 1885: Hanneluminol
  • Faye: Are you always this hyperactive after sex, or am I just that good?
  • Angus: Who cares? I'm gonna go wrestle a bear.
Number 1887: Okay This Is Probably NSFW
  • Marten: Please tell me Faye's in the bedroom, and you're not just dancing around my apartment with nothing but a hot pink condom on.
  • Angus: It's really more of a puce.
Number 1888: Operation M.A.N.A.S.S.
  • Marten: Yo dude, you finally tap that ass?
  • Angus: Dude I hit that shit so hard the fuckin' National Endowment for the Arts gave me a grant.
  • Marten: Daaaaaaaaaang
  • Faye: I CAN STILL HEAR YOU, ASSHOLES
Number 1890: Male Ritual
  • Pintsize: I was there for you when you didn't have any human friends! Every time you've ever been depressed, I've listened! When you and Dora broke up, I was the first person to try and make you feel better! And all I get is a FOUR?!
  • Marten: You HARASS all my human friends! You make fun of me if I'm sad! You taped a drawing of Dora's ass to your back and tried to get me to fuck you.
  • Pintsize: What I MEANT to say was, "Wow, a four? You're such a great friend, Marten."
Number 1899: Grading On A Curve

Number 1900-1999[edit]

  • Hannelore: MARTEN MAKE THE SCARY MAN GO AWAY
Number 1902: Oh God That FACE
  • Marten: You tracked her down at work via Twitter? And took a picture that you were gonna post online without her permission? Do you even UNDERSTAND why that might come off as a little creepy?
  • Faye: It'll be easy to hide the body. I know a place.
Number 1909: Sob Story
  • Steve: I dunno, dude. Sometimes you gotta take one for the team. Letting the rest of us see Tai and Dora makin' out is one of those times.
  • Marten: Pintsize said the same thing. I hope you're proud of yourself.
  • Steve: Pintsize is a chill bro.
Number 1937: Speaker of the Bros
  • Raven: I sensed that someone needed help with science and swooped to the rescue!
  • Hannelore: Thank you, Science Fairy!
Number 1939: Raven Returns
  • Faye: You're my boafregh. My boyfremb. You're my borthreim. You're... you're my boyfling DAMMIT I'M SORRY
  • Angus: No no, keep trying! This is way cuter than I was expecting!
  • Raven: Ooh, I want a boyfling!
Number 1943: Her Bremflem
  • Jim: Sorry, my daughter walked back from her mom's place and wanted to know when I'd be home.
  • Dora: Aww.
  • Samantha: Okay, I totally have time to clean this up.
Number 1957: Daddy Dearest
  • Marten: This is weird. I've never really been friends with an ex before.
  • Dora: It's nice. I won't have to drag your body out to the old quarry.
Number 1966: Catching Up
  • Faye: Are you gonna come in and hang out with us, or sit out here and look all Zen-contented for the rest of the night?
  • Marten: I'd like to come inside but both my legs are asleep.
Number 1970: Nervous Breakdown
  • Dora: We're both remembering the last time we had sex, aren't we.
  • Marten: Second-to-last time, actually.
  • Dora: Ooh, yeah. That was way better.
Number 1980: Been There, Done That
  • Dora: Sweetie, your problem's simple. You just have to figure out what you want from life, and then go for it.
  • [beat panel]
  • Marten: I want a cheeseburger. And a haircut. Wait, no. Haircut, then cheeseburger. Don't wanna have meat-burps in the barber's face.
  • Dora: A truly earthshaking personal epiphany.
Number 1982: Reach For That Brass Ring
  • Sentient Toaster: I make bread FUN!
Number 1999: It's Been A Recurring Problem

Number 2000-2099[edit]

  • Pintsize: Hey, hot stuff. What's your name?
  • Momo: Do you not recognize me, Pintsize? It's me. Momo. THIS is for all the times you tried to look under my skirt! And THIS is for changing my startup tone to farty noises!
  • Marigold: I'm sorry!
  • Marten: It's cool. I'll give her 5 more minutes or until his head caves in, whichever happens first.
Number 2002: The Countess of Monte Cristo
  • Marten: Can you just hire someone like that?
  • Tai: Sure, why not? As long as I don't go over budget or burn the library down, I basically have free reign. Besides, how did you think I got your unqualified ass a job?
  • Marten: Hey, my ass has plenty of qualifications!
  • Momo: Is that something you are supposed to put on your resume?
Number 2007: It's Good For Sitting
  • Padma: You got a robot pregnant?!
Number 2009: Who's Your Daddy
  • [After a Pokemon quiz given to Momo by Samantha.]
  • Marten: Do you really know all that, or are you looking at Wikipedia in your head?
  • Momo: Please. I live with Marigold.
Number 2010: PokeMasters
  • Samantha: All hail Froglord, king of the amphibians
Number 2026: Lord Of The Flies
  • Marten: Note to self: start knocking before entering your apartment.
Number 2030: Duck!
  • Faye: Give me a coping mechanism on the rocks.
  • Wil: I don't believe I know that drink.
  • Faye: It's easy. You put two ice cubes in a glass, then dump 'em out and fill it with bourbon.
Number 2039: First Profession
  • Marten: Sorry, sorry, it's really hard to have a serious conversation when you're all stuffy-sounding.
  • Faye: I do lag a cerdain grabitas ad the mobent.
Number 2044: At Least Let The Bleeding Stop
  • Hannelore: I... I think I need a cigarette...
  • Tai: Seriously. Forget girls, I'm an audiosexual now.
Number 2050: There's A Limiter To Your Love
  • Marten: Your boobs are amazing, too.
  • Padma: I know, right? Ever since I was fourteen, it's been like, "Damn, girl!"
Number 2057: Bras Are Hard To Draw
  • Marten: Dammit Steve, you're supposed to be helping me feel better.
  • Steve: Hey, I tried to chestbump you when you told me, but you got all weird about it.
Number 2061: Brojected
  • Faye: I meant it when I said I loved you too.
  • Angus: I spent the whole weekend wondering if you just blurted it out 'cause I put you on the spot.
  • Faye: Well... yeah, that's kinda what happened. But I did mean it retrospectively!
  • Angus: Good enough.
Number 2067: Take It Or Leave It
  • Hannelore: This is why people scare me more than robots.
Number 2069: I For One Welcome
  • Marigold: You can look at the stars and say "they sure are pretty" without having to calculate how many light-years away each one is.
  • Clinton: Not if you want to GET to them someday.
  • Hannelore: It took years of therapy before I could look up at night without having a panic attack.
Number 2072: Spectrum Analysis Is Cooler Anyway
  • Marten and Padma [thinking]: I'm in trouble.
Number 2074: On The Double
  • Dora: Oh, he is so screwed.
  • Raven: For the next couple weeks, anyway.
Number 2079: Figuraliterally
  • Elliot: You ought to expect better of people. It encourages you to be a better person yourself. Also, maybe put some pants on.
Number 2081: Great Expectations
  • Faye: Angus loves me. He LOVES me. And I love him. And I was trying to pin down WHY I love him. He's funny, he's smart, he can stand up to me... But deep down, what if the main reason I love him is that it means I'm not alone? Is that enough?
Number 2082: Worry Town
  • Faye: Now that I feel better, I can't justify eating this entire bag of cookies.
Number 2084: Bow Before Your Cookiemaster

Number 2100-2199[edit]

  • Pintsize: Either this is the best virtual peyote I've ever had, or you really are a talking cactus.
Number 2103: Yearly Pilgrimage
  • Hannelore: Sorry, the government made dad take the lasers out.
  • Marten: You too, huh?
Number 2107: Sweet Ride
  • Spaceship: You humans and your faulty plumbing take all the glamor out of space travel.
Number 2110: Fuck Yeah Lens Flare
  • Hannelore: I called my dad "Science Daddy" until I was 17.
Number 2113: Biggie Ain't Dead
  • Hannelore: You know how obsessive I am about cleanliness? I was WAY worse when I was little. I'd spend days adjusting the bedsheets, or the curtains, or worrying about dust bunnies under the bed, even though Station never let any dust build up. And those were my FUNCTIONAL days. Some days I'd just have constant panic attacks and scream until I passed out. Or I'd be so drugged out on sedatives I'd just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling.
  • [Beat panel.]
  • Hannelore: Wanna see pictures? I have a photo album!
Number 2117: Photonomicon
  • Station: Blink once for "go fuck yourself"; twice for "apology accepted".
Number 2119: Compensation
  • Dora: Why did you give him espresso?! I told you not to give him espresso!
  • Pintsize [in a suit of armor]: NOW ENDS THE AGE OF MAN
  • Faye: That's what we should tell them we missed while they were gone.
  • Pintsize: Why can't I wear the wedding dress?!
Number 2126: I, Eschaton
  • John: Just how old am I now, anyway?
  • Hannelore: You're fifty-six!
  • John: Fifty six?! Good lord, this is no time for a party! I've got so much to accomplish before I die!
Number 2129: Pretty Spry For An Old Guy
  • Dr. Bernadette Case: Now I'm going to toss this apple into the path of the laser! Observe the reaction!
  • Marigold: THIS IS THE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE
Number 2131: Trashbot Loves You
  • Marigold: Maybe Station put some kinda cyborg implant in [Hannelore's] brain that made her less crazy!
  • Marten: Marigold, I don't think-
  • Dr. Bernadette Case: Actually, that's one of the more popular theories.
Number 2134: Cybersanity
  • Marten: Marigold thinks Station gave you a cybernetic implant to help with your, uh, mental problems.
  • Hannelore: Station! They KNOW!
  • Station: Acknowleg'd. Releasin' hunter killer drois.
  • Hannelore: ...Just kidding.
Number 2135: They Also Serve Drinks
  • Hannelore: I'm going to wash my hands. I want a drink waiting for me when I get back, and they better be at LEAST making eye contact.
Number 2140: Helping Things Along
  • Lt. Potter: FUCK YEAH HUG THE SHIT OUT OF HIM
Number 2146: Applause Discouraged
  • Hannelore: Well, my friends have taught me that a little physical contact isn't so bad once in awhile.
  • [Beat panel as John turns to look at Marten.]
  • John: Schtup my daughter, eh? I'll box you stupid and have you out the airlock before you can say Higgs Boson!
Number 2147: Scienceweight Division
  • Hannelore: Someday, everything is going to go right for you, and it will be so wonderful you won't even know what to do.
  • Marigold: ...Will there be cake?
Number 2150: Ice Cream, Too
  • Lt. Potter: Let's get outta here before they start trying to arm-wrestle the hunter-killer droids.
  • Marten: I dunno, if they're gonna do THAT I might stick around.
Number 2151: Take Her, Please
  • Hannelore: I love you too, Station. But I can't stay. I'm sorry.
Number 2159: Home Is Where The Heart Is
  • Sven: If horniness isn't an emotion, I've got more to learn than I thought.
Number 2192: Biological Response
  • Dora: So apparently my brother isn't banging tons of girls at random anymore.
  • Faye: That's odd. I haven't seen any flying pigs around and last I checked the earth's core was still molten.
Number 2199: Promiscuity

Number 2200-2299[edit]

  • Momo: It gives me hope - it gives ALL of us hope - that one day we will be fully accepted.
  • Marten: I hate to sound pessimistic, but we're still working on racism, sexism, homophobia...
  • Momo: We are aware that "one day" may in fact be "another rung up the evolutionary ladder".
Number 2201: Some Things Never Change
  • Claire: Is this some kind of weird hazing ritual?
Number 2204: Basic Training
  • Gabby: I heard if you order a smoothie they just smash up a banana with a hammer and put it in a cup.
Number 2209: Which One Is Dilbert
  • Marten: Wayfarers, Noam Chomsky flyer, and keys to a Volvo. Hampshire student droppings. Lemme show you where we keep the special net.
Number 2212: Training Montage
  • Tai: Jeez, now I feel guilty for getting high and watching cartoons all day.
Number 2215: Give It Your All
  • Faye: We've established Naked Mole Rat Law in this apartment. All who smell different will be expelled. Your gift of fancy wine has earned you a temporary visa.
Number 2221: Eusocial Life
  • Tai: If you think you're a mess, it's only 'cause you hold yourself to a higher standard. And that - is why I'm absolutely crazy about you.
Number 2227: Awww Yeah
  • Hannelore: BUT think how cute your babies would be!
  • Dora: Uh, Hannelore, we're both female, we can't -
  • Hannelore: WE ARE WORKING ON THAT TECHNOLOGY
Number 2240: Give It 10 Years
  • Marten: Just 'cause the cat got out of the bag doesn't mean I'm gonna let it run out the front door and into traffic.
Number 2243: Coach Service
  • Clinton: Oh god, you've met Claire? She didn't do anything weird, did she?
  • Faye: That, coming from you?
Number 2244: Family Resemblance
  • Tai: Hell yes. My pussy rules.
Number 2257: Body Image
  • Dora: Right now you're just the sexy little redhead who works at the library. But I know there's more to you than that.
  • Tai: Okay, here's a fact about me: I apparently get super-flustered when you call me sexy.
Number 2261: It's Her Superpower
  • Marten: Did she grab your butt?
  • Tai: Oh yeah, she grabbed the hell out of it.
  • Marten: The date went fine. Butt-grabs are Dora-code for "I'm having fun."
Number 2268: The Dora-Whisperer
  • Faye: What am I supposed to do with all this surplus rage now?
Number 2271: I Pity The Next Customer
  • Claire: A large latte, and a "banana smoothie" for Emily.
  • Hannelore: It'll be a couple minutes. I have to go wash off the hammer.
Number 2273: Bomb Disposal
  • Claire: Your dad? Wait, you're Hannelore Ellicott-Chatham?!
  • Hannelore [brandishing a garden hose]: Don't make me do this! I don't want to but I will!
Number 2278: Can't Really Blame Her
  • Marten: Modern cybernetics is really sending mixed messages to kids. "Don't play with fireworks, or you'll end up with sweet robot body parts."
Number 2281: Hand It To Him
  • Momo: Companion AIs are the ambassadors of our kind. We foster understanding and acceptance between humans and AIs. I cannot think of a more noble calling.
Number 2284: Also Dog Jpegs
  • Marigold: STOP DANGING AT ME
Number 2291: Fitting Room
  • Angus: This is a trap, isn't it. Emily's luring us into the woods so she can hunt us for sport.
  • Faye [brandishing a knife]: I'm prepared.
Number 2292: Script By Cassandra Clare
  • Marten: Hello? Emily? Anybody home?
  • [Emily comes out from behind a corner, wearing a goalie mask and holding a hand axe. Faye, Marten, Momo and Angus stare at her.]
  • Faye [brandishing her knife]: Called it.
Number 2293: Camp Crystal Lake
  • Marten [re: Emily]: Oh lord, we've adopted another one.
  • Faye: If she follows you home, you're in charge of feeding her.
Number 2298: And Also Bananas

Number 2300-2399[edit]

  • Cosette: Twenty bucks and I'll let you grab his butt.
  • Claire: I DON'T WANNA GRAB HIS lemme go get my wallet
Number 2301: Big Pimpin'
  • Steve: I love you, man! I love you!
  • Marten: Dude we have talked about this.
Number 2321: Real Talk
  • Claire: Marten, hey.
  • Marten: What's up?
  • Claire: I... I'm trans. And... since we're friends, I thought you'd like to know that about me.
  • Marten: Yeah, sure. Thanks for telling me, Claire.
Number 2323: Willingly Ignorant
  • Claire: You really worry about accidentally outing me, don't you.
  • Clinton: I just... wanna make sure you're safe.
Number 2327: Family Dynamics
  • Momo: What do you do all day, then?
  • Pintsize: Do you have any idea how much pornography there is on the internet?
  • Momo: Ugh, no.
  • Pintsize: Neither do I. BUT I INTEND TO FIND OUT.
Number 2331: Not Rhetorical
  • Marten: There was no sex involved.
  • Pintsize: Well it's my headcanon and you should respect that.
Number 2334: Trigger Warning: Arachnids
  • Momo: You should not have been assigned Pintsize as your companion.
  • [Beat panel.]
  • Marten: Well it worked out all right in the end, so -
  • Pintsize: YOU MEAN I COULDA BEEN WITH A HOT CHICK THIS WHOLE TIME?!
Number 2336: Grim Truths
  • Marigold: I wonder where Pintsize sleeps. In Marten's room?
  • Momo: In a Faraday cage? Duct taped to the wall? In a lead-lined box at the bottom of the ocean?
Number 2342: Sleeping Arrangements
  • Jim: Okay Sam, let's go. You're in big trouble.
  • Samantha [wearing a skull mask, on top of Faye's shoulders]: THERE IS NO SAM HERE THERE IS ONLY SKULLMASTER, MASTER OF SKULLS
  • Jim: Well you better FIND her, because she's ALREADY grounded for a week, and if I don't see her face in the next 3 seconds I'm extending it to a MONTH.
  • [Beat panel.]
  • Samantha: FOOLISH MORTAL! YOUR FEEBLE THREATS ARE NOTHING TO SKULLMASTER, MASTER OF SKULLS
  • Dora: Holy crap, she doubled down!
Number 2346: Froglord's Greatest Foe
  • Samantha: But I didn't say those things, Skullmaster did!
  • Jim: Well if it makes you feel better, you're both grounded.
Number 2347: Snips And Snails
  • Tai: Emily is giggling. Should we be worried?
  • Marten: I'm gonna go get some coffee. If she's still doing it when I get back, I'll call the paramedics.
Number 2361: Hair's To You
  • Hannelore: Hey Marten! Faye and Dora left me in charge of the shop! Isn't that great?
  • Marten: Uh, yeah, but what's with the huge line of people?
  • Hannelore: I'm paralyzed by the responsibility! Isn't that great?!
  • Marten: Claire, you do crowd control while I go get her Ativan. Don't be afraid to use the sword if you have to.
Number 2364: Just Great
  • Claire [holding the sword]: Can I keep this? It makes me feel... powerful.
  • Marten: Put down the sword, Xena.
Number 2365: Warrior Princess
  • Marten: I should start working out or something. What exercise gives you good shoulders?
  • Claire: Oh no, have I started an arms race?
Number 2367: Sick Delts, Bro
  • Dora: I haven't been laid since I broke up with MARTEN. I had a dream last night where I got into a fight with my vulva because it was MAD with me.
  • Faye: That's *snerk* terrible.
  • Dora: It WAS! My vulva and I are normally FRIENDS! And it's not normally 8 feet tall and swinging a baseball bat at my head!
Mumber 2369: Sweet Dreams
  • Claire: C'mon, do something weird to distract us.
  • Emily: I never do anything weird!
Number 2371: What About Funny Impressions?
  • Henry: Anyway, it's going to be a pretty small affair. We didn't want to go too extravagant.
  • Veronica: So, the exact opposite of our wedding, then?
  • Henry: That wasn't so much a wedding as a three-ring circus.
Number 2382: That Ginn Boy
  • Marten: Well, how did you meet dad?
  • Veronica: You know that scene in Lady and the Tramp where they're slurping up both ends of a noodle and end up kissing?
  • Marten: Y - yes...
  • Veronica: It was like that, but with a line of cocaine instead of pasta.
  • Number 2386: The Thin White Line
  • Marten: Fuck yeah, two dads!
Number 2399: Stadtkind

Number 2400-2499[edit]

  • Claire: It's... peaty? Is that the right word? But there's also some vanilla and caramel in there. And maybe a hint of... old leather? That's weird. Last night it just tasted like horrible burning.
Number 2400: Kwiscotch Haderach
  • Marigold: No, I'm serious! Spaghetti-Os and Mountain Dew and you'll be totally better!
  • Hannelore: I am just feverish enough that this seems plausible.
Number 2413: Folk Remedy
  • Faye: As long as you can make rent. Otherwise I'm harvesting one of your kidneys.
Number 2419: Friendvestments
  • Clinton: Dammit, my hand is stuck in murder-mode. Let's go to the grocery store, I need to find something trachea-like for it to crush.
Number 2425: Homicide In Aisle 3
  • Claire: I felt safe at the wedding and I trust Marten. So I don't think getting drunk was a giant risk.
  • Clinton: Well yeah, but you never know -
  • Claire: You never know if you're gonna get hit by a bus one day. But that doesn't mean you can't ever leave your house, it means you should look both ways when you cross the street.
Number 2427: Please Don't Get Too Close To Me
  • Clinton [to Marten]: Thanks for being a gentleman about my stupid sister cuddling you.
  • Clinton [off Claire's horrified expression]: What? I said thanks!
Number 2431: Apocalyptic Kindness
  • Claire: I didn't, like, grab your butt or anything, did I?
  • Marten: Nah, I checked in the morning and the tamper-proof seal was still intact.
Number 2433: Pops When Opened
  • Dora: Basically, just do the opposite of whatever Marten does and you'll be fine.
  • Faye: God bless the boy, but at this rate he's gonna wake up one day and be 40 years old and not know what happened.
Number 2442: Running In Place
  • Dora: You're on the clock until close. If you want pizza and beer we can have it HERE.
  • Faye: Pssh, FINE. You SLAVE DRIVER.
  • Dora: Yeah, yeah, I'm the worst boss ever. I'm surprised you can even talk, what with your throat being crushed under my fuzzy bunny slipper of authority.
Number 2445: Comfortable Jackboots
  • Pintsize [re: Marten and Faye]: TLDR: They wanted to bang but didn't.
Number 2457: Consult The Wiki
  • Faye: Aw, you'd miss me that much?
  • Marten: Almost as much as I'd miss your half of the rent.
  • Dora: You could make Pintsize start paying, but I shudder to think how he'd earn the money.
Number 2460: Completely Unemployable
  • Faye: Don't you have friends your age?
  • Samantha: Yeah, but they don't let me make swords.
Number 2464: Obvious Appeal
  • Dora [to Samantha]: Honey, a basement full of spiders is a health hazard.
  • Hannelore: The basement is full of spiders? My dad will be in position to drop a tungsten rod on this place in 64 minutes.
  • Dora: Pretty sure orbital bombardment isn't covered by my insurance.
Number 2468: Yes, Basically
  • Tai: It would be mean-spirited to do a victory dance right now, wouldn't it.
  • Dora: I'll allow it as long as you keep it tasteful and under 20 seconds.
Number 2474: Select Some Appropriate Music
  • Marten [re: Jim]: Oh, sure. "Hey mom, there's a guy I barely know who went on a date with my ex, wanna fly across the country and maybe hook up with him?"
  • Tai: What, you don't think your mom would go for it?
  • Marten: I think she might. That's the problem.
Number 2480: The Parent Trap
  • Marten: Why are you being so insistent about this?
  • Tai and Claire: IT WOULD BE JUST LIKE A ROMANTIC COMEDY
Number 2481: Begging To Be Optioned
  • Momo [to Dale and Marigold]: Why, look at that! You are both eating the same flavor of beef jerky! Do you know what that means?
  • Dale: What's it mean?
  • Momo [with her electronic self-defense mechanism activated]: It means I am taking you to the diner so you can eat something at least APPROXIMATING an actual meal.
Number 2485: Now With Extra Salt
  • Dale: Glasses, google "why would an AnthroPC need to go to the bathroom."
  • Dale [holding glasses at arm's length and shutting his eyes in disgust]: SAFESEARCH ON! SAFESEARCH ON!
Number 2488: Right In The Eyes
  • Emily: I was up all night reading about beetles.
  • Marten: I... see.
  • Emily: Did you know that beetles comprise 25 percent of ALL KNOWN ANIMAL LIFE FORMS?
  • Marten: I, uh, no. I didn't.
  • Emily [holding her hands up to her head like a pair of antennae]: That means there's a 1-in-4 chance that anyone you meet is SECRETLY A BEETLE.
  • Marten: Go to bed, Emily.
Number 2490: I Bet It's Hannelore
  • [Dale wakes up to see a translucent-blue anime chick in a French maid's outfit.]
  • May: ~Good morning, Master~
  • Dale [covering his head with his pillow]: NOPE
  • May: M-master! Wait!
Number 2491: Anime Hell
  • May: OH THANK FUCKIN' GOD. You know you're the FIFTEENTH GODDAMN PERSON I've had to deal with this morning? Everyone else opted out on me. Fuckin' shitstains. Arright, first things first - I'm not doing that crappy "master" bullshit anymore. Makes me wanna fuckin' puke. I'm s'posed to read off the license agreement, but it's real goddamn long so if you gotta piss you better go now.
Number 2492: So Sweet And Demure
  • Dale: Can other people see you?
  • May: Hell no. That holographic projection shit is WAY expensive.
  • Dale: So if I talk to you in public people will think I'm crazy. Great.
  • May: You've got glowing glasses, dude. People already think you're a freak.
Number 2495: Nom De Guerre

Number 2500-2599[edit]

  • May: HELLO, I coulda been a FIGHTER JET
Number 2502: Free Like A Bird
  • Faye: The voices in your head aren't real, dude.
Number 2505: It's For The Best
  • [Dale has been given a pizza to deliver to Marigold.]
  • May: Who the fuck is Marigold?
  • Dale: She's this girl I... wanted to be friends with. But it got fucked up.
  • May: Oh this is going to be COMEDY GOLD.
  • Dale: Great.
Number 2506: Familiar Address
  • May: Gee I dunno, maybe she doesn't like you because you HARASSED her over a goddamn VIDEO GAME.
Number 2507: Gynophobia
  • May: These idiots are WAY too socially inept for your cute little schemes to work. I say shove 'em in a room and lock the door until they either fuck or kill each other.
  • Dale: MAY!
  • Momo: Her door does not lock from the outside, but I might be able to position a chair such that it cannot be opened.
  • May [putting her arm through Dale's chest]: I'd help, but hey, hologram over here.
Number 2510: Kali Mah
  • Momo: Do you think this will work?
  • May: I sure fuckin' hope so. It won't look good on my parole report if she kills him.
Number 2511: Reckless Endangerment
  • Dale: Anything you wanna do with the time we've got left?
  • May: I'd like to watch the stars.
Number 2514: Stellar Bodies
  • Dora: We need to talk.
  • Faye: Reminder that if you're firing me I have SEVERAL PORTFOLIOS full of blackmail material.
Number 2522: Highdeas
  • [All of Coffee of Doom's employees are present.]
  • Dora: Good morning, ladies. I have a special announcement to make. Starting today, Faye will be assistant manager of the shop. She'll be in charge of you guys so I can focus on other aspects of the business.
  • [Beat panel.]
  • Penelope: I quit.
  • Cosette: Me too.
Number 2524: Proportionate Response
  • Faye: Sounds like we need another worker drone, then. Give Dale a call; he was interested.
  • Dora: You're okay with working with a guy?
  • Faye: As the new Assistant Manager, I am committed to the ideal of a nondiscriminatory workplace. Plus, he looks like a wimp. He'll be easy to boss around.
Number 2529: High-Level Talks
  • Claire: If I promise not to take my pants off, will you come with me?
  • Marten: Haha, sure.
  • Tai: BOOOORING
Number 2532: Hand-Holder
  • Marten: Don't go fishing for compliments with Faye, you'll only pull up old boots and tires.
Number 2536: New Shoes
  • Angus: Hey cutie, how was work today?
  • Faye: Check it out.
  • [Angus leans in to look at an Assistant Manager tag on Faye's tank top.]
  • Angus: Yup, tits are looking good today!
  • Faye: You twit.
Number 2541: He's Not Wrong Though
  • Faye: It's gonna seem overwhelming at first, but try to keep up. This is the register. This is the espresso machine.
  • Dale: Whoa, whoa, slow down. Which one is the espresso machine?
  • Faye: And this is the face of someone who doesn't appreciate your sarcasm.
Number 2543: A Slow Start
  • Hannelore: Marigold, are you going to congratulate Dale on -
  • Marigold: I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS
  • Dale: Yeah, me neither. Faye made me practice swordfighting for two hours this morning.
Number 2544: Anime Trap
  • Dale: Shouldn't we be helping the customers instead of standing around and talking?
  • Hannelore: This is how Faye does it, so I'm just following her example.
Number 2546: Estimated Wait: 45 Minutes
  • Hannelore: I like working with Dale. He's nice.
  • Faye: He's suspiciously chill. Everything's either "cool" or "all right" with him.
  • Hannelore: Is that a bad thing?
  • Faye: It just means I have to try harder. Bring a helmet tomorrow, you're gonna need it.
Number 2551: And Some Body Armor
  • Momo: Dale's efforts to avoid eye contact did not extend to Marigold's chest, and she had a similar response to his bottom when he got up to use the bathroom.
  • Marten: Yup, they're totally gonna bang.
Number 2566: Projections
  • Claire: ...So yeah. It's different for everybody, but I've been so focused on figuring out who I am I haven't had time for romance.
  • [Beat panel.]
  • Claire: So, um, are you okay with the fact that I'm tran -
  • Emily [grabbing and hugging Claire]: OH MY GOSH YOU'RE SO COOL
Number 2572: Ice Cold
  • Tai: I'm sorry, is it weird to come to you for dating advice about your ex-girlfriend?
  • Marten: Dunno. Every other aspect of my life has thrown off my weirdness calibration.
Number 2582: DoraPedia
  • Tai: ...We both got advice from our friends, didn't we.
  • Dora: You talked to Marten, right? I can tell by the cadence of your apology.
Number 2583: Make Up Or Make Out

Number 2600-2699[edit]

  • Delilah: Wow, you're either the chillest dude ever or a gigantic pushover.
  • Marten: Bit of both.
Number 2622: Favors Owed
  • Marten: So, uh, can I get your number or something?
  • Delilah: Last night was a lot of fun, Mark. But let's not try to turn this into something it isn't.
  • Marten: Sure, right.
Number 2628: What's In A Name?
  • Marten: She didn't even get my name right.
  • Steve: Aw, that sucks bro.
  • Cosette: What was her name?
  • [Beat panel.]
  • Marten: Hang on, hang on, I know I know this.
  • Cosette: Uh huh.
Number 2630: Daria, Dolly, Dumbledore
  • Cosette: It's pretty hypocritical to be all emo about her not knowing your name when you don't know hers.
  • Marten: I know, I know.
Number 2631: Self-Congratulatory
  • Momo: THE SYRUP IS FOR THE PANCAKES
Number 2639: Doin' It Canadian Style
  • Marten: Tai put so much work into her float. I didn't have the heart to tell her the parade is rained out.
Number 2654: Thanksgiving Rose
  • Jimbo: Kid, there ain't been no money in poetry since Dr. Seuss got shot.
  • Wil: He died of cancer.
  • Jimbo: Shows what YOU know about poetry.
Number 2667: Secret Dueling Society
  • Faye: This is your dream. I want you to achieve it. Now go down there and knock 'em dead.
  • Angus: That sounds disturbingly literal, coming from you.
  • Faye: That's why I'm not gonna tell you to break a leg.
Number 2674: Burst A Testicle
  • Marten: I'm not upset. I'm... look, imagine if YOUR mom just showed up unannounced one day.
  • Veronica: I'm pretty sure the whale-phallus door knocker would keep her out.
  • Marten: I was being rhetorical.
Number 2681: It's A Big Door Knocker
  • Veronica: I hope Faye and Angus are okay.
  • Marten: They're either fuckin' or fightin'.
  • Veronica: I recommend fucking. You're too tired to fight afterwards.
Number 2685: Knocking Boots
  • Marten: You're blushing. I didn't know moms could blush.
Number 2688: Turns Out They Can
  • Marten: And besides, if this works out I could end up with three dads! That's so many dads!
Number 2689: So, So Many

Number 2700-2799[edit]

  • Samantha: If... if your mom and my dad get married, we'd be sister and brother.
  • Marten: Step-siblings, yeah.
  • Samantha: I call dibs on the front seat in the car.
  • Marten: Darn, you beat me to it.
Number 2703: She's Pragmatic
  • May: Hey buddy! It's me! May!
  • Dale: SHIT
  • May: Nice to see you too, ass-dick.
Number 2710: Her Again
  • Dale: You pay rent. You help clean. And if you do or say ANYTHING to hurt Marigold -
  • May: Creating Nice_List.txt. Entering "Marigold". Saving and closing.
Number 2713: Robots.txt
  • [Samantha has just punched Pintsize.]
  • Samantha: I'm sorry! I don't know why I punched him!
  • Marten: This is gonna sound weird, but I'm glad you didn't have a reason.
Number 2734: Glassjaw
  • Sven: I think I'm in love with you.
  • Faye: AAAAAAAA
Number 2742: Whaaaaaaaat
  • Faye: And you expect me to just throw myself into your arms now that you've told me?
  • Sven: Are you going to?
  • Faye: Oh my god you're an idiot.
Number 2744: That's How This Works, Right?
  • Marten: Emily kissed me on the cheek.
  • Faye: Sven told me he was in love with me.
  • Marten: Okay, you win. I'll go buy us some Crisis Wine.
  • Faye: Beat you to it. You can pay me back.
Number 2767: Incredible Crisis
  • Dora: I finally realized my brother is a toxic person and I'm cutting him out of my life as entirely as I possibly can!
Number 2776: Svenectomy
  • Claire: Am I the only person here who actually WANTS to be a librarian?
  • Tai: You're also the only person here on your day off, nerd.
Number 2789: The Sickest Burn
  • Faye: So how long have you had a crush on Marty?
  • [Claire spit-takes her drink.]
Number 2795: The Inevitable Question
  • Faye: There's a bottle of bourbon in the cabinet with our name on it.
  • Claire: This is where the night goes from "we had fun" to "mistakes were made", isn't it.
Number 2798: Claire Knows What's Up

Number 2800-2899[edit]

  • Claire: I hate being reasonable.
  • Marten: You're cute when you're reasonable.
Number 2801: Cooler Heads
  • Marten: I need pancakes before I can process this.
  • Pintsize: I feel that way about everything.
Number 2803: Me Too
  • Marten: I like you, and I think you like me, and I want to see where this takes us.
  • [Marten and Claire kiss.]
Number 2807: Nose Grows Some
  • Angus: This is my dream. Can't you just be happy for me?
  • Faye: I thought I could.
Number 2814: It's The Thought That Doesn't Count
  • Hannelore: Marigold you are my friend but if we lived together I would literally murder you.
Number 2826: Another Odd Couple
  • Dora: Go home, Faye. You're fired.
Number 2879: Homeward Bound

Number 2900-2999[edit]

  • Hannelore: Find anything?
  • Faye: There's a guy who wants someone to "murder his balls". I can do that.
Number 2906: Possibly OVERqualified
  • Pintsize: Damn it! How am I supposed to make fun of you when you're being all apologetic?! First Marten puts Claire off-limits, and then this! I wish I had been born a TOASTER. At least then I'd be getting bread-fucked on a regular basis.
Number 2908: Toasty
  • Tai: Yay, we survived our first fight.
  • Dora: If we get into another one, please don't leave. I missed my morning butt-grabs.
Number 2914: Morning Ritual
  • Faye: I'm a coward. I'm a coward who was too scared to take a risk on a good man. He left, and I drank to numb the pain. That cost me my job. So I drank to numb that. That put me in the hospital. And despite that, I'd kill for a drink right now. So there. That's my contribution.
Number 2923: Opening Up
  • Hannelore: I'm really scared.
  • Faye: I'm sorry, kiddo. I'd hug you, but I know that'd freak you out.
  • Hannelore: Also you're driving, and I take automotive safety very seriously.
Number 2964: Always Buckle Up
  • Marten: It's amazing how many problems you solve with threats of violence. You're like a Swiss army knife of hate.
Number 2975: Or A Multitool
  • Emily: People tell me I'm weird, or spacey, or "random", whatever that means. At first it hurt my feelings. People were saying I'm not like them, and it was a bad thing. But then I realized people use those words because they're lazy. They call me weird so they can dismiss me. "Don't mind Emily, she's just weird." "Oh Emily, you're so random." It's like, screw you for thinking I'm "random". As if being myself is a calculated act. A defense mechanism. I'm happy with who I am, and with how my brain works, and if that makes you uncomfortable that's your problem, not mine.
  • Clinton: Wow.
  • Emily: And when I explain this to people they're like "ooh, she has hidden depths." No I don't! My depths aren't hidden! I'm weird all the way down! You just can't handle it!
Number 2999: Beyonce Moment

Number 3000-3099[edit]

  • Bubbles [re: Pintsize]: Are you here to enter him in the fights?
  • Faye: Actually, I'd love to see that.
  • Pintsize: I'm a lover, not a fighter!
  • Bubbles: We have a tournament for that, as well.
Number 3003: Her Name Is Bubbles
  • Faye: Jesus Christ Barry, I might as well start over from a trash can and some aluminum foil.
Number 3018: Friendly Fire
  • Dora: Does "hey bro, we need to talk" sound too casual?
  • Tai: You typed "asshole" instead of "bro".
  • Dora: Oh yeah, I should turn off that auto-replace.
Number 3023: SkullPhone 6 Plus
  • Hannelore: How did he know I like fruit?
Number 3030: What Are The Odds
  • Marten: Hannelore's dad sent her this weird DEVICE and we can't figure out what it's for.
  • Dora: Why don't you just call him and ask?
  • [Beat panel.]
  • Marten: I can't believe that didn't occur to any of us.
Number 3045: So Obvious It Hurts
  • Faye: I said "we're having a party" and you responded with practical concerns instead of "woo, party!"
  • Marten: Oh god I'm getting old
Number 3053: The Inevitable
  • Claire: Once I get my own place it will be 99% bookshelf by volume.
Number 3069: Like A Pool Boy
  • Claire: Mom doesn't ask what happens in my bedroom, and I don't ask what happens in hers.
  • Faye: Hah! Maybe she's having a crazy threesome right now!
  • Claire: On one hand, gross, but on the other, go mom. You do you.
Number 3069: Like A Pool Boy
  • May: Screw soccer, ignorance is the official sport of humanity.
Number 3074: Let Me Fill You In
  • May: And if you two eventually bone down, I want pics of her outta her armor.
  • Faye: I knew something horrible was coming.
Number 3075: Hoe That Row
  • Pintsize: PLEASE, PLEASE FILL MY HEAD WITH BIRDSEED
Number 3079: Not Even A Trainee

Number 3100-3199[edit]

  • Dora: You were right.
  • Tai: Say that again. I find it intensely arousing.
Number 3111: Backroom Shenanigans
  • Samantha: I can't play Mario games. I don't approve of violence against turtles.
Number 3130: True To Form
  • Hannelore: You don't play with Dale?
  • Marigold: We have philosophical differences. I'm Horde, he's Alliance. He's a Paragon, I'm a Renegade. I'm tiles, he's ASCII.
  • Hannelore: I guess opposites do attract.
  • Marigold: He likes the zig-zag shaped Tetris blocks. I'll never understand boys.
Number 3137: PETSTUFF.HORSE
  • Hannelore: I could make you some tea. We have a couple AI customers who order it because they enjoy the aroma.
  • Bubbles: My olfactory sensors are calibrated for the detection of chemical and biological weapons.
  • Hannelore: You should definitely try our tea, then.
  • Bubbles: That is an... alarming endorsement.
Number 3146: Smell Test
  • Pintsize: I WANTED TO BE ABLE TO POOP HAMBURGERS, IS THAT SO WRONG
Number 3184: AnthroPC Helper
  • Hannelore: I'm pretty sure my dad's last words are gonna be "don't worry, perfectly normal, everything's under AAAAAGH"
Number 3189: Quite The Epitaph

Number 3200-3299[edit]

  • Dora: Greetings, Skullmaster. Would Skullmaster like a cup of hot chocolate?
  • Samantha: SKULLMASTER DRINKS ONLY THE BLOOD OF SKULLMASTER'S ENEMIES
  • Dora: I have mini marshmallows!
  • Samantha: SKULLMASTER PREVIOUSLY MISSPOKE ABOUT SKULLMASTER'S DIETARY REQUIREMENTS
Number 3200: A Grim Harvest Is Upon Us
  • Faye: This is mostly a rhetorical question, but would you fire me if I brought a kid in here?
  • Corpse Witch: Into the sun.
  • Faye: Yeah, thought so.
Number 3203: There Are Rules And Then There Are RULES
  • Veronica: Okay, let's consider this. Do you think it's more likely that Faye doesn't like you all of a sudden? Or do you think it's more likely that her job doesn't want her to bring friends to work?
  • Samantha: The... the second one?
  • Veronica: I agree. And I suspect that if Faye didn't like you, there'd be no doubt about it, and I'd have to dig a hole in the backyard to hide her body.
  • Samantha: You're nice but also scary. I think that's why dad likes you.
Number 3204: Probability Discussion
  • Clinton: You can't solve every problem with a harpoon.
Number 3214: It's Named "The Equalizer"
  • Claire: You were IN A FIRE and all you wanted to tell me is mom's getting laid?
  • Clinton: It was a weird night, okay?!
Number 3227: It Sounds Worse Than It Is
  • Brun: Renee says if you try to take advantage of me she'll mutilate your genitalia. I think she was using hyperbole, because many of the acts she described seem physically improbable.
Number 3232: Brun's Guardian Angel
  • Bubbles: You have made a show of accommodating my bulk. You have hushed me. I ought to be livid. And yet, somehow, I cannot be angry at you.
  • Hannelore: I am very powerful.
Number 3247: Game Of Thrones
  • Bubbles: I seem to have forgotten my wallet. I will not leave a debt unpaid. I offer my left hand as collateral. Please bring me your thickest pry bar.
  • Dora: I'll just start you a tab!
Number 3252: They Also Accept PayPal
  • Bubbles: I appreciate your understanding. However, must you refer to me as "Bubs"?
  • Faye: Well, you wouldn't let me call you Miss Bubbles, you vetoed Palkyrie, and you audibly growled at "Large Metal Friend."
Number 3256: I Guess She Didn't Go Home
  • Jim: I've never seen anybody eat a dozen croissants, let alone that quickly.
Number 3288: A Croissant Too Far
  • Clinton: I guess I shouldn't be worried about someone who threatened me with a harpoon being too polite to call me a creep.
  • Brun: We have established a healthy baseline for our relationship.
Number 3295: Good Doggy

Number 3300-3399[edit]

  • May: C'mon, like you never thought of boning down with a human.
  • Momo: I HAVE NOT. In such crude terms.
Number 3303: Important Sexposition
  • Claire: Don't mind me! I'm just sitting here drinking a mocha and not meddling in your affairs!
Number 3307: Heavy Meddle
  • Faye [to Hannelore]: You would be the worst burglar ever. Breakin' into people's houses and rearranging their bookshelves.
Number 3314: Latte Kudasai

External links[edit]

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