Real Life Comics

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Real Life Comics is a webcomic created by Greg Dean.

1999[edit]


November 16, 1999
Crystal: Wait a second... You want to make a comic about us sitting around and doing nothing?
Greg: Well... Yeah, sorta.
Dave: Great. We'll make the first one about how stupid your ideas are.

November 22, 1999
Dave: UO is so crappy... Why do you still play it?
Greg: Cause it's neat! You can be a whole new person, make acquaintances, and amass gold to buy things!
[Greg's eyes bug out as his character is killed by three spells]
Dave: I take it those weren't your acquaintances...

November 26, 1999
Greg: So, did you finally get that artificial intelligence out of your comp?
Dave: Yeah, but it wasn't easy. I had to get into the hardware to disable most of it.
Greg: Bet that was a pain in the butt.
Dave: No kidding. Damn thing wouldn't turn off, either. It kept singing "Daisy" over and over again until I finally yanked out its voice chip.

December 3, 1999
[Dave and Greg are playing a flight simulator, but ICQ pops up and the plane crashes]
Greg: I find it interesting that a product owned by America Online is ultimately responsible for our horrible deaths.

December 15, 1999
Greg: Now I just need to get a maintenance manual for this thing. I wonder how much oil it takes?
Dave: Hm... I'd say about 4 quarts.
Greg: How can you tell?
Dave: Well, maybe I'm wrong... How big would you judge that puddle of oil under your car to be?

December 30, 1999
[Danny says he has a 48-port hub to be used in the LAN party]
Greg: You will give me the hub, Mr. Bond, or you will die.
Danny (smiling): Back off, Goldfinger.

2001[edit]


March 1, 2001
[Greg wants to make a chainmail mantle, while Tony wants to make a full hauberk]
Greg: You do know that a chainmail shirt contains well over 50,000 rings and will probably take about a year or so to make, right?
Tony: Well, so... a mantle it is!
Greg: Wise choice, o ambitious one.

March 15, 2001
Greg (about Tony's mech): Wait, you've got live ammo on this thing?! Where did you get the weapons from??
Tony: Well, you know how technophobes fear us cause they think we can make weapons of mass destruction out of computer parts?
Greg: Yeah...
Tony: They're right.

April 06, 2001
[Greg's with his scottish claymore on his back and very upset]
Tony: Uh oh... Where are you going with that thing?
Greg: I found out that UPS had the shipping address wrong for my chainmail rings. There's only one thing do do in a situation like that.
Tony: Yeah, wait a day or two until they deliver it to the right address.
Greg: Well, okay... two things. But do you know how long it took me to dig all those shallow graves?

August 1, 2001
Tony: You really think you're going to win with your new cards?
Greg: Oh, winning isn't my goal. I just want to see how pissed off I can get Adam before I lose.

October 19, 2001
Liz Mosely: So, what exactly is it that I do as a comic character?
Greg: Well, let's see... You'll play video games, drink as much soda as you want, comment on whatever you feel like, go wherever you want, and do as you please.
Liz Mosely: Holy cow! There's absolutely no downside to this job!
Greg: Well, there is the limited hand mobility, but you'll get used to that.

(This is in reference to Greg's lack of drawing hands. He claims it is a very arduous task to do so in his illustrator program, which is why the characters almost always have their hands in their pockets.)

2002[edit]


May 20, 2002
[Greg is very thirsty. Tony gives him a glass]
Tony: Here... Try this out.
Greg (after drinking from the glass): Amazing! I'm not thirsty anymore! What do you call this incredible thirst-quenching liquid?!
Tony: Water.
Greg: Astounding.

May 21, 2002
[Greg says he's become addicted to water because he's drinking 8 glasses of water a day, but Tony tells him this is the standard amount recommended]
Greg: How am I supposed to live in excess when they set the bar so damned high?

2003[edit]


February 28, 2003

[Greg is showing off his own brand of bottled water to Dave called "Not Poison"]

Dave: "Not Poison". Wow.
Greg: See? Instead of worrying about whether or not it's poison, it tells you right on the label!
Dave: "Contains no poisons, toxins or other contaminants that other waters don't have." Greg, don't you think this will make people suspicious?
Greg: Why would they be suspicious? It says it's not poison, doesn't it?

March 13, 2003
Tony (to Greg): Great. Just great. We got kicked out of our house, an army of my clones is going to take over the world, and we're going to miss tonight's episode of The Daily Show. I don't see how things could possibly get any worse.
(Dramatic pause)
The Cartoonist: What? Don't go expecting it to start raining or something. I hate those stupid cliches.

September 9, 2003
Cliff: Hey, I drive 1 1/2 hours out to see you. The least you can do is schlepp my ass out to get some damned mongolian BBQ.

September 24, 2003
[Greg has just caught a fly by grabbing it]
Greg: I'm pretty sure I should be proud of this, but I have no idea what to do with it now.

October 7, 2003
[Regarding a purchased Gameshark]
Clerk: Would you like your reputation gift-wrapped, or should I just put it in the bag with your cheating software?

October 8, 2003
The Cartoonist: If I'm going to spend $400 on one freaking barstool, I want that sucker to be able to withstand a freaking nuclear blast. Because when armageddon befalls us, and cockroaches are left to take over, I want them to have somewhere comfy to park their asses.

October 15, 2003
Dave: What's wrong with your image?
Greg: Nothing wrong with it, per se... I just feel like I'm not "intimidating" enough.
Dave: Dude, get over it. You couldn't intimidate a chihuahua.

[Greg is all dressed in black leather clothes]
Dave: You look like a reject from "New Kids On The Block".
Greg: Oh yeah? You look like a reject from...from...Shut Up!"

2004[edit]


January 14, 2004
Greg: Where have you been?
Tony: Where do you think I've been!? I was stranded in China with no money, no ID, and worst of all, no internet!

Greg: You know, it would be nice if you were polite enough to at least ask before imposing on me like this. It's really starting to get on my nerves.
The Cartoonist: I created the world you exist in. Let's talk about imposing, shall we?
Greg (upset): Fine, you win.

The Cartoonist: Look, I've been trying to steer away from "relationship" jokes for a while, so I could focus on more "Greg being single" material.
Greg: So you just did it to laugh at my expense!?
The Cartoonist: Uh, Greg, that's kind of your role in the comic. You're a professional "joke-butt".
Greg: You know, the want ad never said anything about that...

2005[edit]


April 21, 2005
Tony: Greg, would you take off that ridiculous moustache? The old-days comic was yesterday. You look like an idiot.
Greg: I resent that. I think it makes me look distinguished and respectable
Tony: No it makes you look like you're going to tie some lady up and put her on some train tracks.
Greg: Well maybe I will then.
Tony: Fine! Go Ahead!
Greg: FINE! I will!
Tony: Fine!!
Dave: Well, that certainly escalated faster than I would have expected
Tony: Don't worry... I'm moderately certain that Greg won't murder someone to prove a point.

2006[edit]


August 14, 2006
Liz: I'm spending untold amounts of money on a four year, accredited art school. I work my ass off every day learning the history and ins-and-outs of modern graphic design and every stupid theory that goes along with it and in the real world, some company is probably going to wind up paying me to design a logo made out of a green #"$@! square. [In referance to H&R Block's logo]
Greg: But it's so pretty....
August 30, 2006
Hobbit: Hi, yeah... I'd like to send this out priority mail, please.
Postal Worker: Certainly. Let's get you started. What's the address?
Hobbit: The Lava, Mount Doom, Mordor, Middle Earth, 45829.
Postal Worker: Is that a business or a residence?
Hobbit: Um... Business, I guess.
Postal Worker: Since it's jewelry, let's go ahead and add some insurance. What's the value?
Hobbit: All the souls of every man, woman and child alive.
Postal Worker: Allright, we'll just put "over $500". Would you like to add delivery confirmation?
Hobbit: Hell yes.
[Footnote: Lord of the Rings: The Abridged Version.]

External links[edit]

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