Reaper (TV series)

Reaper is an American television comedy-drama created by Tara Butters and Michele Fazekas about a guy named Sam, whose soul was sold to the devil by his parents and now works as a bounty hunter, sending escaped souls back to Hell.

Season One

Pilot

Mr. Oliver: Kyle, did you wish your brother a happy birthday?

Kyle: The guy's twenty-one, lives with his parents, and wears an apron for a living. There's no happy in that birthday.

Sock: Hey, Kyle. Don't sweat Stanford, man. I only heard it's like the... fourth best university in the U.S.. Is that right?

Kyle: You suck!

[Kyle leaves the room.]

Sock: Hey, no shame in community college, K-Fed, I almost went!

[Sam and Sock are talking about Andi.]

Sock: Look at it - she's smart, she's hot, she goes to college, she works in a crap shack like this with losers like me and you. What does that tell you? Just off the top of your head.

Sam: She's got low standards?

Sock: Exactly! Use that to your advantage before she figures it out, alright? Because she will.

[Ted is stood next to a chart.]

Ted: As you can see, most of us are doing great in the sales contest, except for a select few who think their time is better spent constructing beer bongs.

Sock: Oh, if you are referring to me, Ted the Head? I'm biding my time. Okay? Like a snake, in the grass, ready to pounce.

Ted: That doesn't even make any sense, what you just said. And don't forget that the winner receives a free twenty-pound spiral cut ham!

Employee: I'm Jewish, you jerk!

Ted: Or a gift certificate. For our Semitic and/or Muslim friends. [happily] So go get them!

Andi: You guys should never have broken up.

Sock: Oh, I had to, Andi, because I found out that [loudly] she used to be a dude!

Josie: I heard that you used to be a dude too.

Sock: [no comeback] Well, I heard that you had... one time... friend.

[The fugitive ripples his muscles as the Devil and Sam watch.]

The Devil: Oh, gag! Look at that tool! Will you capture him already?

[Sam opens the vessel and finds a Dirt Devil.]

Sam: What?

Sock: What? What is it?

[Sam shows the Dirt Devil to Sock and Ben. Sock laughs.]

Sam: It's a Dirt Devil.

Ben: No, I take it back, Sam. That's a really evil mini-vac.

Sam: I don't know, the Devil guy was-

Ben: Messing with you! And we sell those in aisle fifteen, I think.

[Ben sets off the Dirt Devil, which drags a truck closer to them. He switches it off and the truck stops. He hands it back to Sam.]

Sock: That'll work.

Sock: [to Sam] Yes! Yes, bee-atch! You are Neo, you're The One! Eat it, Heatmeister! Oh, I have never been so attracted to a man in my life. I, that's not what I meant. Um.

Gladys: Fugitive transfer?

Sam: Uh, yes. Yes, I think so.

Gladys: Place the vessel on the mat.

[Sam places the Dirt Devil on the mat.]

Gladys: Never seen one of these before.

[Gladys sends the Dirt Devil to Hell.]

Gladys: Have a nice day!

Sam: W- w- wait! Um, so, their not all little vacuums?

Gladys: The boss gives you the vessel he thinks you can handle. You must be a real moron!

[Gladys laughs. Sock hits a 'rejection' stamp in anger.]

Sock: [annoyed] DMV!!

Charged

Ben: Oh, my God, we're gonna die dressed as condoms!

Sock: You need a doctor! Dr. Jager, Dr. Cuervo and Dr. Captain Morgan, he has two titles!

Sock: That is quite the bag o' batteries you got there, Josie. Feeling a little lonely these days?

Josie: We're having blackouts, jackass. They're for my flashlight. And if I was lonely for you, I'd just get a pencil.

Sock: Like I haven't heard that before! Uh, wait a minute...

All Mine

Ted: I see a spark of the old me in you, you know that?

Sam: Please don't say that, Ted.

Ted: And that's why I am prepared to promote you to assistant manager of the plumbing department. What do you think of that, if that happens?

Sam: I think I want to stab myself.

Sock: Never tell crazy that you're in it for the sex!

Magic

Ted: What can you tell me about this can of wasted paint?

Andi: It's leaking onto your desk.

Ben: My dad's super allergic, you know, I couldn't have any pets, so this little guy fills that void.

Sock: You said I filled that void, Ben.

Sam: God, you sound like Ted.

The Devil: Oh, that was harsh. Ted is a real douche bag.

Ben: You're one freaky ass bird, who scared the crap out of me and now I can't be comfortable around birds ever again. I hope you know that.

What About Blob?

Sam: What is Ted doing?

Andi: I put a note on his windshield. Says sorry, I hit your car.

Sam: You hit Ted's car?

Andi: Nope

Sam: Who did?

Andi: No one. But he's been looking for the damage for over ten minutes now.

Leon

Leon: Tell me about your childhood.

Sam: My parents sold my soul to the devil.

The Devil: I invented therapy so that the wicked could justify their actions.

Love, Bullets & Blacktop

The Devil: The French invented love, so they could put a civilized face on a primal urge, and dress it up with candy, and hearts, and cupids. In the end, it all comes down to endorphins and genitalia.

The Cop

[Sock decides to stalk Gladys at the Work Bench.]

Sam: Sock, don't do anything stupid!

Sock: Sam, I am almost certainly going to do something stupid. It's in my blood. You know that.

Ashes to Ashes

Cash Out

Sam: Gladys wouldn't take the vessel.

The Devil: That's because the vessel was half-full. Or half-empty, if you're Catholic.

Sock: (about Ben's track suit) You should keep that suit. You have never looked faster.

Sock: Do you remember a few years back there was a fire at Josie's apartment?

Sam: Yeah, right before you guys broke up.

Sock: Do you remember that it was around the time I was exploring my feminine side?

Sam: ...No.

Sock: Well, mostly, I was into jasmine scented candles.

Sam: Did you burn down Josie's apartment?

Sock: It's a dark part of my life, Sam. I'm not proud of it.

Hungry for Fame

Unseen

Acid Queen

Sock: Hey you guys, want a Sock, Sam, and Ben muffin? They're delicious and nutritious.

Sock: Is it wrong that I am aroused and disgusted at the same time?

Ben: Probably, but I wouldn't beat yourself up about it.

Sam: Did you guys ever eat anybody?

Tony: That's offensive. [walks away with Steve] That's offensive.

Rebellion

The Devil: What? You don't like banana splits? What are you - some kind of commie?

Coming to Grips

Sock: Now, listen to me, Ben. I am going to spit some scientific fact at you. The longer most men are in a relationship, the happier they get. The opposite is true for the lady folk, okay? So we... would just like to see you happy making a woman miserable like we're both doing.

[Sock indicates to himself and Sam.]

Sam: What is he? A serial rapist?

The Devil: Wow, you go to the dark place fast.

Porn shop clerk: Hey, this isn't a hook-up spot. You wanna get your jollies off, do it in the alley.

[The Devil touches the clerk's forehead, and the clerk falls unconscious.]

Sam: What did you do? Did you kill him? Is he dead?

The Devil: I don't know, Sam. I'm not a doctor.

Sam: [off-camera] He's still breathing!

The Devil: [rolls his eyes] Oh, thank heavens.

Sam: It's Andi. She...sort of saw me chop Jack's head off

Greg Schmeg

Sock: Chicks do not want sensitive, okay? They want a bad boy. They want someone who's gonna break all the rules. Someone who will bang them on the back of a motorcycle and then not do the dishes.

The Leak

Sam: Gladys, this is Andi. My girlfriend.

Gladys: She doesn't seem to have any outward deformities.

Andi: Like, having horns on my head?

Gladys: [glances over to Sam] I like her.

Cassidy: When this is all over, my boyfriend will no longer be married.

Cancun

Demon: (watches Sam as he puts a "50% off" sign on a broken washing machine) Oh, he is evil like none have known before!

The Devil: I scout for the Yankees in my spare time.

The Devil: That cage will never work on me. It might hold a demon, but come on... I'm the man!

Sock: This is the first and last time you will ever hear me say these words, but we shouldn't be drinking tonight.

Steve: (about Heaven) It's better than Cancun...

Mr. Oliver: (after Mrs. Oliver digs him out) What took you so long?

Season Two

Episode IV: A New Hope

The Devil: Your pentagram is a Star of David. Mazal tov!

The Devil: (reads Sam's book on Satan) 'The Devil is attracted to radishes?' What does that mean? Like sexually? Oh, that's disgusting!

[Sock's step-sister, Kristen, walks past Sam, Sock, and Ben in a bikini.]

Sock: Oh my god, she's so hot.

Ben: Smokin'.

Sock: Shut your mouth, that is my sister! I've got dibs.

Sam: Sometimes, in order to do something good, you have to do something bad first.

Sock: I want you to keep that in mind when I eventually make love to your mother.

Ben: Hey guys, check out our beer logo.

[Sam, Sock, and Ben look at their beer mascot on the side of the van.]

Sam: Our beer logo is a baby? Isn't that dumb?

Ben: It's a leprechaun.

Sock: Where's his hat?

Ben: He took it off...because it's impolite to wear his hat when he's drinking.

Sam: Why is he wearing a bib?

Ben: Okay! It's a baby, alright? It's the only thing I knew how to draw!

Ben: "They even drank all the Zimas..."

Dirty Sexy Mongol

Ben: Traditional mongolian dress is called a deel. It's worn by both men and women. It's widely worn by Mongolians today.

Sock: Is that so, professor?

Ben: Hey, don't mock me. History Channel docs are a great way to break the ice with the ladies.

Sam: Maybe you guys should cover the other exits.

Sock: Cover the exit with what? Our spines?

Ben: (reads Sam's Wanted poster) 'Large reward?' Exactly what do you mean by large?

Sam: I got a gift certificate to Outback.

[Ben looks at him skeptically.]

Sam: Thirty dollars.

Ben: Oooh, nice.

The Devil: I'm a busy guy. It's an election year.

Sock: I just want her to see me the way the rest of the world does.

Sam: And how is that?

Sock: As a sexual magician.

Sam: You sent a demon to my house to kill me, Gladys! Why would you do that?

Gladys: We're in a book club together.

Sam: So, you agreed to have me assassinated?

Gladys: These book clubs are a lot of pressure.

Sock: Because she is my sister, and the only one allowed to have sex with her is me.

Ted: Sex swings have been around for thousands of years. It's not like I invented them.

The Sweet Science

Ben: (after sharing a kiss) Tastes like pennies.

Nina: That's just blood, silly.

Nina: (talking about the Hell geode gift to Ben) Don't worry, it's perfectly safe. Just don't ever sleep next to it, because it'll give you nightmares. Don't ever make wishes upon it or get it next to a nuclear reactor. And then just use a regular damp cloth to clean it.

Sock: Boxing requires focus. It's like having sex. Everything's going good, you're getting your groove on, chugging along. In comes the talking, the hints, the tips, the criticizing. Next thing you know, you've lost that concentration! You're locked in the bathroom, yelling at your own lap!

Ben: Maybe you should grow a soul patch.

Sam: No, I'm not growing a douche tag.

Ben: I'm going to break up with Nina. And I'm kinda scared that she might not take it too well.

Andi: I'm so sorry, Ben. Is there anything that I can do?

Ben: Yes, you can. May I please borrow the company pepperspray and boxcutters?

The Devil: Punishing souls is like raising children. They need consistency. You can't reward bad behavior. They step out of line. You just have to give them a time out in the Closet of Abysmal Agony.

The Devil: That's not how we roll in H-Town.

The Favorite

[Sam walks away with a winning lotto ticket.]

Sock: I hate that guy.

Ben: That's my money.

Andi: There are little devils running around, and that doesn't give you the chills?

Nina: (About Ben's home-made quesadilla) Mm, this is delicious. I'm starting to like human food.

Ben: How is demon food different?

Nina: Usually it's still squirming or screaming.

The Devil: For all your whining and complaining, lack of fashion sense, you always get the job done. You want to do the right thing. I hate that about you. But I guess that's the quality that makes you so effective.

Sam: Are you giving me a compliment?

The Devil: No, mostly I just hate that about you.

Nina: You seem quiet tonight.

Ben: I’ve just... have some stuff on my mind. I’ve been thinking about things.

Nina: Oh, well stop it!

The Devil: If [the portrait] stays there too long, Fitzgerald will show up and reclaim it, and more people will die.

Sam: Since when did you care if people get killed?

The Devil: I don't. Good call.

Ben: (talking Morgan's Maserati) Well some people probably like that car. I...also do.

Gladys: If you want to know how to please a demon, I can help you.

Ben: Really? Because that'll be great.

Gladys: Of course. Drop by my place tonight, and I'll give you a one-on-one tutorial as they say. I like to make learning fun, so bring along plenty of plastic garbage bags.

Ben: Sex is an essential component in a strong relationship! It is the cornerstone of...something. I don't know. I read it in some female book.

Nina: What exactly are female books?

Ben: I'm going to have sex with you in your natural body. Now I would simply ask that your wings don't poke me in the eye. Also, please be aware that my skin is very sensitive. It chaffs easily. Also, please don't talk while we're doing it. I mean, your demon voice is a little mannish. Okay? Now I'm going to have a cocktail first, if you don't mind. Do you have a glass?

Nina: So, you want this?

[Nina changes into her demon form.]

Ben: I can drink from the bottle.

Sam: You are evil.

Morgan: I'm the son of the Devil. I mean, what did you expect?

Ted: Little girl, I was working at a store when you were still experimenting with alternative lifestyles at summer camp.

Gladys: Who's the pretty boy?

Morgan: Hi, I'm Morgan. Nice to meet you.

Sam: He's sorta the son of your boss.

Gladys: So is Genghis Khan. You expect me to be impressed by a gap ad?

The Devil: That's not a very happy Sammy face.

I Want My Baby Back

Sam: I just need to talk to you in private.

Sock: Alright. Fine. I'm alone. Give it up.

Sam: No, in the car, where no one can hear us.

Sock: You know what, if this is about your weird little man crush on me, don't worry about it. We all know.

[Sam take the vessel, which is a stake.]

The Devil: Oh, looking sharp, Buffy. Lookin' sharp.

Ben: (talking about the baby) It's probably hungry. It needs mother's milk.

Sock: Oh, well, sorry I'm not lactating right now.

Ben: There are some drugs you can take that will dull the sex drive.

Sock: Isn't that chemical castration?

Tony: (talking about the baby) Guys, this is a precious and delicate little gift. You can't just treat it like a turtle you got at a Chinese market and forget about it.

Tony: I'm going to name her Stevie.

Sock: Um, I already named her Magnum, P.I.

Andi: Anything you want to tell me? Any little details that might be important for me to understand while I'm dating you?

Sam: I'm...allergic to tree nuts?

[Sam runs into Andi's office.]

The Devil: Hey, you just can't come bursting into people's offices. I might've been naked in here.

Sam: What are you doing here?

Mr. Oliver: I came for your brains. Just kidding!

Sam, Sock, Ben: (singing) Twinkle light and good night, you're gonna get a spike in your baby eye.

Underbelly

The Good Soil

Sam: I'm not done until we get back together.

Ben: Good for you! Sometimes you gotta look reality in the face and say no!

[Sock, naked, walks over to Sam and Ben.]

Ben: (turning around) Can you put some clothes on, please?

Sock: Too upset for clothes, Ben.

Ben: Saturday is our two-month anniversary.

Nina: Wow. Two months ago, I kidnapped you and forced you to be my boyfriend.

The Devil: Did you know that in the old days I used to get the souls that ate shrimp?

Billy: This time, there is no covet. Only love it.

Ben: Tomorrow night, for our special anniversary, you and me, we're flying to the moon.

Nina: (laughs) Baby, you would freeze and suffocate before you got there.

Sam: How'd it go with you and Kristin's dad?

Sock: He called me a clown, said I wasn't good enough to date Kristin, and attacked me with a fishing rod. I had to escape by swimming across the lake.

Ben: That's terrible, Sock.

Sock: You know, honestly, compared to other times when I met the parents, it didn't go that badly, Benji. You know, he didn't pull a gun on me, didn't try to rip off my genitals.

Sam: Sounds like he's got a soft spot for you.

Nina: Long time ago, I had hemophobia.

Ben: That ain't right. My cousin's gay.

Nina: No, no. Hemo-phobia. It's the fear of blood.

Ben: You love blood.

Nina: I know! See that's what's crazy. I just had to confront my fear, immerse myself in it. Once I did that, it was great. I loved it. Now I can bathe in it every single day.

Ben: That's...nice for you.

The Home Stretch

The Devil: (talking about the contest) The loser, however, will be cast out. No financial support, no clothes, no car. Just an eternity of endless toil as one of my minions. Put quite simply, your life will be garbage.

Sam: My life is already garbage.

The Devil: Then, we'll just have to find a way to make it worse.

Sock: (looking through their house window) Why is there a small Mexican lady in our kitchen?

Ben: That's my grandmother. Also, she's not Mexican.

Sock: What? You're --

Ben: Not Mexican either.

Ben: (talking about his grandmother) She would disown me.

Sock: That seems a bit much, but I do know how you Mexicans have a spicy temper.