Recess (TV series)

Recess is a Disney Channel animated series about the mischievous adventures of 6 children during recess, when the children form their own structured society. It spawned the films Recess: School's Out, Recess: Taking the Fifth Grade, Recess: All Growed Down and Recess Christmas: Miracle on Third Street.

Season 1

The Break In [1.1a]

TJ: Can't you see that I'm trapped in here? I've counted the ceiling tiles 13 times, guys. There's 1,678. You hear me? 1,678!

---

King Bob: [Talking about T.J.] Kids of the playground. The dumb kid should be free!

---

Gretchen: Look shiny metal! Do you like the shiny metal? If you help us we'll give you the shiny metal. What you say kindergartners?

The head kindergartner: Let's eat 'em!

---

Vince: Bob's king of the playground. If he helps the other kids will follow.

Spinelli: He better help or he's gonna meet my good friend Madam Fist!

---

Kid next to King Bob: My mom called me some dumb kid this morning.

The New Kid [1.1b]

Mikey: There are lots of people without names.

Gus: Like who?

Mikey: Like the Artist Formerly Known as Prince, the Unknown Soldier, and the other four guys in the Jackson Five.

---

Gus: I've been to 12 schools in the last 6 years, I never met anyone so friendly, it's so - so beautiful!

The Experiment [1.2a]

Butch: The future... is girls! Boys kissing girls! Girls kissing boys! And you know what else?! WE'RE ALL GONNA LIKE IT! [laughs diabolically]

---

Spinelli: Boys kissing girls? Girls kissing boys?

Gretchen: Surely, there must be some mistake. I mean, this defies the rules of nature and physics. Besides that, it's disgusting!

T.J.: But Butch says it's the future. His brother Joey told him.

Spinelli: Oh, please! The day I stop caring about dodgeball is the day the Earth starts spinning around the sun.

Gretchen: Which explains the D minus you got in Science.

---

[After Spinelli and T.J. kiss]

Spinelli: Ack! Puke city!

T.J.: Quick, someone get me some mouthwash!

---

T.J.: You realize we may have to get married after this.

Spinelli: You realize I may have to kill you after this.

The Great Jungle Gym Standoff [1.2b]

Spinelli: The last one to Ol' Rusty has to give Ms. Finster a sponge bath!

Randall: Hey! That's my job!

Jinxed [1.3a]

Gretchen: The kids' unwritten code of honor is what makes us different from adults, different from animals. What would we be without it?

Gus: Adult animals?

Spinelli: Nothing, that's what!

---

Gus:Its My Harmonica!

Ashleys:Your What?

Gus:Its My...

Ashleys:Harmonica! Jinx!

---

Spinelli: Hey! One of you drop five bucks?

Ashleys: Oooo...

T.J., Vince, Spinelli, Gretchen, and Mikey: Scandalous! Jinx!

Officer Mikey [1.3b]

[looking for Ashley A's little sister, Britney]

Spinelli: We seek a formal sit-down by she who goes by the name Britney. :[four Kindergartners come forward] Er... Britney A.

First Name Ashley [1.4a]

Spinelli: What's the matter? You got crayons in your ears? Get to the end of the line Randall before I give you the end of my fist!

---

T.J.: We're all Ashleys, too.

Ashley A: But, you aren't even girls!

Gus: Hey, it's the nineties.

---

Ashley A: By junior high we may be dating some guys named Paul or ... or Joe!

---

T.J.: There are a lot of Ashleys out there, but there's only one Spinelli.

To Finster With Love [1.4b]

Finster: [reading out grades] A… A… A… Ah, Randall, my trusted spy. A plus! A… A… A…

---

Finster: F… F… F… Hmm. Randall, my trusted spy. The only kid around here I can count on. Ah, he's done so much for me. Hmm… D minus. F… F… F…

---

Hank the Janitor: Do you hear music?

Finster: Whenever I look at you.

---

T.J.: Hey, Ms. Finster?

Finster: Yes, Detwiler?

T.J.: ...Are those your shoes, or did you mug a clown on the way to school?

Finster: Why, you little HOOLIGAN! [Runs after T.J.]

T.J.: She's back!

King Gus [1.5a]

Gus: [singing] Gus, Gus, O Mighty Gus, king of all the playground, Gus, Gus, O Shiny Gus, we're glad such a great king we found.

---

Mikey: Madness! Madness!

Big Brother Chad [1.5b]

Kindergartener: Vince. We give up to you our two front teeth. Worth 50 cents street value.

---

Gretchen: Take it from someone who knows. Your brother is definitely a geek.

---

Chad: Hey Vince! Check it out, I just beat myself at three-dimensional chess.

---

King Bob: He's nothing but a nerd! I'm so depressed!

---

Vince: Ooh, I'm quivering in my high-tops!

---

Chucko: Stay out of this, geekoid, or you're next!

My Fair Gretchen [1.6a]

Miss Grotke: I think what Miss Finster's trying to say is, every year we give the fourth graders this little standardized test. You get a whole 45 minutes. It's not for a grade, so there's nothing to be afraid of.

Miss Finster: You're a wimp, you know that, Grotke?

Speedy, We Hardly Knew Ye [1.6b]

King Bob: Digging a hole in sixth-grade territory? How dare you! Take them to the dodgeball wall!

I Will Kick No More Forever [1.7a]

Vince: [watching an old video of himself] Man, did you see that kick? That was in my prime!

Gretchen: Vince, that was 2 weeks ago.

The Kid Came Back [1.7b]

[Peanut Butter Kid leaves them with his sandwich]

Mikey: This is all we have to remember him by.

The Pest [1.8a]

Gretchen: [as Jeffery pokes her in the back with a pencil] Quit it, Jeffery!

Jefferey: [innocently] Quit what?

Gretchen: You know, just quit it!

The Trial [1.9b]

King Bob: [to Randall] You threw a dirt clod during a time out? She was right, you are a worm.

---

Ashley A: No, no, wait. I say we give her a swirlie. [Spinelli's eyes flush]

Teachers Lounge [1.10a]

Principal Prickly: [telling a joke] So then I say to the superintendent, "That's no kindergartener, that's my wife!"

Randall's Reform [1.10b]

T.J.: [reading] I did it. Signed, T.J.?

Finster: AHA, a confession!

---

Finster: The criminal always returns to the scene of the crime.

T.J.: But Miss Finster, you dragged me here!

Rainy Days [1.11a]

Miss Finster: Recess has been cancelled.

Vince: Cancelled? But why?

Miss Finster: [opens the door] Rain.

[Outside is shows rain pouring down from the dark clouds and thunder and lightning strikes]

Mikey: The horror! The horror!

The Great Can Drive [1.11b]

[Ms. Grotke's and Ms. Furley's classes are tug-of-warring over the last can either class needs to win the can drive, which Ms. Eudora Finkelstein is holding very tightly, while Mikey's whistle gets everyone's attention]

Mikey: Don't you see what's happening? You're all acting like animals. Can drives aren't about winning or losing; they're about helping people and being generous and sharing our bounty. Who wins and who loses matters not. So let's just put all the cans together and forget about that dumb turkey dinner. What do you say?

T.J.: There's only one thing to say. Give me that can!

[The tug of war resumes. This time, Ms. Finkelstein breathes heavily, refusing to handle the can any longer. The can slips away from both sides' grasps and rolls all the way to the can pyramid]

Mr. Prickly: The pyramid! NOOOOOOOOO!

[The can touches the bottom of the pyramid, which begins to topple over]

Ms. Finkelstein: Look out, she's gonna blow!

[Everyone flees away from the stage to avoid getting splattered by the falling cans of the pyramid, but they get splattered anyway. A broken can of peas rolls to Mikey's feet and Mikey picks it up before telling both classes off]

Mikey: Look what you've all done! Now nobody's gonna have a good Thanksgiving!

[The rest of the main six and the Ashleys look at each other sadly while Mikey walks off, and hang their heads in shame over what they did]

Kids in the Mist [1.12b]

Gretchen: Old video out... new video in. [laughs manically; then starts gasping and coughing] I think I may have swallowed my retainer.

Parents' Night [1.13a]

Flo Spinelli: You must be B.J. He's the one our little honey bunny has the crush on.

Spinelli: Mom!

Season 2

The Break-Up [2.1a]

Randall: Let me tell you something about friends, pally. Friends are people who say they're going to meet you at the movies and never show up. Friends are people who tell you the puddle is only an inch deep and then you step in it and you're up to your knees in mud. Friends are people who run your underwear up the flagpole ...with you in it! Friends are ...friends are jerks!

---

Guru Kid: Very good, my son. You have learned well.

---

T.J.: [reading his "Best Friend" report out loud to the class] "People say a best friend is the most important friend a kid could have, that a best friend is someone who makes you laugh, someone you go to for advice, someone who can come to you for advice. Well, that's great for people who have a best friend, but I don't. I have no best friend. But there are some friends I do have. One's a great athlete, the most popular kid in school. He could hang out with anybody. But instead, he hangs out with me. Another friend of mine is the smartest kid I ever met. She could probably build an atom bomb, but instead she uses her brains to help me when I'm down. And then I've got a friend who's so tough, she could take on a guy twice her size. But instead, she stands up for kids who can't defend themselves. Another one of my pals is a big guy, real big. To a lot of kids, he looks scary, but he wouldn't hurt a fly. In fact, he's got a heart of gold. And then there's my newest friend. Some guys say he's a scaredy-cat, but I know deep down, he's a hero. When I see him swallow his fear and do what needs to be done, it reminds me of why things are worth standing up for. Yeah, some people say a best friend is the most important friend a kid could have, but I say, "Why pick one? All my friends are the most important friends I have." So don't feel sorry for me, I'm the luckiest kid in the world. I don't have a best friend. I have five."

[The class cheers for him]

Gus: [touched while sniffling] He thinks I'm a great athlete.

The Hypnotist [2.1b]

[Prickly, hypnotized into thinking he's 6 years old, runs wild through the playground, and pulls Spinelli's hat down over her eyes]

Spinelli: ...Did he just do what I think he did?

Mikey: Yup.

Spinelli: [She screams to show her reaction; she tries to run after Prickly, but gets grabbed by Mikey] LET ME AT 'IM! LET ME AT 'IM!

Mama's Girl [2.2a]

[Episode starts with Miss Grotke handing back the class their graded book reports]

T.J.: [shocked when he gets a C-minus on his book report] C-minus?! Hey, no fair, Miss Grotke.

Miss Grotke: I'm sorry, T.J., but "a roller-coaster ride I couldn't put down" is not a book report… It's a cover blurb.

T.J.: Oops. [chuckles embarrassingly]

---

Spinelli: [seeing Miss Grotke not noticing a mud puddle, which she's about to step in] Oh, no! Look out, MAMA!

---

Lunchlady Irma: Here you go, just like mama makes. [laughs]

---

[As she runs away, Spinelli slows down and looks at the sidewalk; she examines and takes notice at the neon sign that says "Manny Matt's Grill" on the window. As she is still looking, the letters of the sign blew off and began to say what each word says when some letters are blew off.]

Spinelli: "Ma, Ma's, Gr ll...?" [closes her eyes and covers her ears, having a frustrated expression on her face; feels the world mocking her, and begins to exclaim a powerful scream to show her reaction] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! [While screaming, she turns around and consumes the camera as the German Sheppard dog still repeatedly shouts, "Mama's girl!" The scene ends with a black screen, in which her throat is already zoomed in, stopping the scream and ending the scene]

---

Gus: Uh, sorry, guys. I guess this wasn't the best time for me to practice my cursive.

---

Gretchen: You know, there's one thing I still don't understand. Why did the subliminal message fail? Works all the time for Madison Avenue.

Vince: Who knows, Gretchen? Who knows?

Outcast Ashley [2.2b]

[T.J. and his friends see Gretchen approaching them in a big box]

T.J.: Gretchen, is that you?

Gretchen: T.J.? [bumps into the fence] Pardon me.

Spinelli: So, Gretch, what's with the box?

Gretchen: I'm using it to make a pinhole projector so we can view the upcoming solar eclipse. You can't look at an eclipse with the naked eye, you know, it would scorch your retina.

The Game [2.3a]

[Ajimbo has turned everyone into zombies who try to force the game onto T.J.]

T.J.: No! I won't give in. I won't let this thing beat me!

Mikey: [zombielike] It's no use, T.J. Eventually you will join us.

The Lost Ball [2.3b]

Ashley A.: Look what your little friend did now, T.J.

Gus' Last Stand [2.4a]

Gus: Gosh! Who'd have thought? Little Belgium winning over big Germany!

Lt. Griswald: Winning? Ha! They got the stuffing kicked out of them!

---

Gus: I guess I lost the battle, sir.

Lt. Griswald: Yes, but it looks like you won the war.

Operation Field Trip [2.4b]

Miss Finster: Mobile transport one, We are ready to lock and load. Operation Field Trip is a go. Move! Move! Move!

---

Vince: Man, there's nothing like a good field trip.

T.J.: Yep, nothing in the world. MISOOE, here we come.

Gus: MISOOE? What's MISOOE?

Gretchen: MISOOE, Gus, the Museum of Industry, Science, Oceanography, Oddities, and Energy. It's one of the finest, most sophisticated museums in the world.

Spinelli: My big brother told me they got a dead guy sliced up real thin, like cheese, so you can see right through him. Can't get more sophisticated than that.

Digger Dave: I hear they got a real working coal mine that goes right down through the floor.

Ashley A.: Coal mine? Please. The best thing there is the gift shop. They got accessories from around the world.

Ashley Q.: And they accept credit cards.

Spinelli: What? Oh, that's nothing!

T.J.: Man, this is gonna be the best field trip ever.

The Challenge [2.5a]

Principal Prickly: [shouting] Not only is my reputation as an educator on the line but also my reputation as a man! So get out there and win, I tell you, win! [Kids stare at him] Oh, and have fun.

Wild Child [2.5b]

Gretchen: Repeat after me. The rain...

Kindergartener: The wain...

Gretchen: In Spain...

Kindergartener: In Pain...

Gretchen: Falls mainly in the moist temperate zone northwest of the Pyranees mountains.

Kindergartener: Bloobidy bloo bloo bloo!

The Substitute [2.6a]

Mr. E: That information comes at a terrible price. Are you willing to pay it?

[Phil shrinks back into his seat]

---

Gretchen: Mr. E, I hope the fact that the government has quashed my research won't hurt my final grade.

Mr. E: It happens, Grundler. Count on an A.

---

T.J.: Say, Mr. E., there's something that's been bugging me: could you tell me what the E stands for?

Mr. E: No.

T.J.: You are so cool!

Gretchen and the Secret of Yo [2.6b]

Mikey: I just don't get it? Why would the chicken wanna make us think he taste good? Doesn't he know what happens to tasty chickens?

---

Gretchen: Well, excuse me! For once in my life I'm good at a real sport! A sport with trophies! It's important to me, okay?! More important than any science fair, quiz bowl, or chess tournament I've ever been in! If you guys can't support me, then so-rry!

The Girl was Trouble [2.7a]

[Episode starts with Randall calling all the kids to line-up in five rows]

Vince: Man, someone must be in big trouble. Finster hasn't cancelled recess since Billy Stoler short-sheeted her support hose.

T.J.: She was limping for three days.

Randall: [as Miss Finster appears; through megaphone] Ten-hut!

[The kids all line-up, facing forward and standing at attention]

Miss Finster: This week, we've since a crime wave unparalleled in Third Street history. Someone on this playground is responsible for breaching nearly every rule he hold sacred.

Mikey: Even the cannibalism taboo?

Miss Finster: Evidence connects a single mastermind with these crimes. One kid who's done it all. Written graffiti, mocking the faculty, de-faced restrooms, stolen food from the cafeteria, and made a complete mess of the mess area! This someone will be going directly to Principal Prickly's office. This someone will receive severe punishment befitting these atrocities. This someone…is Gretchen P. Grundler!

[The kids all gasp in shock at Gretchen]

T.J.: Miss Finster, Gretchen's the best kid in school!

Vince: Yeah, you're making a terrible mistake!

Spinelli: Tell her, Gretchen!

Gretchen: [shamefully] No, guys, she's right. Take me away, Miss Finster.

T.J.: Gretchen, what are you saying?

Gretchen: Don't worry yourself over me anymore, T.J. I'm nothing but trouble.

[The episode's title appears]

Miss Finster: March, young lady!

T.J.: Gretchen gone bad? It can't be!

Mikey: Down is up, black is white, and the Millennium approaches!

[Miss Finster escorts Gretchen to Principal Prickly's office as they enter the building]

Gretchen: [narrating] I know what you're asking. How did it happen? How did Gretchen (Priscilla) Grundler, straight-A student, end up taking the long walk to the principal's office? It's a story as long as the lines at Gonzo World, but without the free refills.

Miss Lemon: [typing her typewriter] We've been expecting you, Grundler. Take a seat. Principal Prickly will be with you in a moment.

[Gretchen takes a seat on a bench next to Sue Bob Murphy]

Sue Bob: Well, well, if it ain't Goody-Two-Shoes Grundler. What'd you do, Grundler, get too many A's?

Gretchen: I'm not in the mood, Murphy.

Sue Bob: Oh, come on, Grundler. Where's your sense of humor? When you're about to face the man, sometimes that's all you got. So, what you in for?

Gretchen: It's a long story.

Sue Bob: Pfft. Like we're going somewheres?

Gretchen: [narrating] She had a point. I don't know what it was that finally made me spill. Maybe it was Sue Bob's earthiness. Maybe it was the clickety-clack of Miss Lemon's typewriter. Whatever the reason, I suddenly felt compelled to tell Sue Bob the whole sordid tale. [telling Sue Bob everything about all the crimes she committed] It all started about a week ago on my birthday. [story beings on her birthday; voiceover] It was a great day. My favorite Uncle George gave me the best gift I ever got. A Galileo hand-held personal computer. [meets up with her friends in the cafeteria around lunchtime] Galileo was a dream come true. A powerful multi-function PC that fit in the palm of my hand. It had 16 megabytes of RAM, internet access, and cute howdy froggy desktop icons that made computing fun.

Galileo: Hey, Gretchen, don't look now but, you've got mail.

Vince: Whoa, that thing talks!

Galileo: Don't feel threatened, Vince. Computers are only as smart as the humans who programmed them.

[In Miss Grotke's class…]

Miss Grotke: In fact, the Battle of... oops, sorry. The argument they couldn't settle with words of Bunker Hill actually took place on Breed's Hill.

Gretchen: [voiceover] Yep. Galileo did everything. Thanks to a sophisticated spoken-word translation program, it even took notes in class.

Galileo: Excuse me, Miss Grotke. Could you repeat that last point? And this time, please, speak slowly and enunciate.

Miss Grotke: Oh, well, okay. [slowly] The argument they couldn't settle…

Galileo: Mmm-hmm.

---

Gretchen: That's right, I loved a machine. Like a sister or kind uncle. Maybe it's sick, maybe it's twisted. But love it, I did. Then one day, everything changed.

---

[Mikey, T.J., and Gretchen are sitting on the swings as Gus, Vince, and Spinelli approach them after searching everywhere for Gretchen's stolen Galileo]

Gus: I looked in Miss Grotke's class.

Vince: And I checked the P.E. room. Nothing.

Gretchen: [worried] This is a nightmare!

T.J.: Let's go over this again. You asked the diggers, you talked to the Ashleys, you checked the Lost and Found... [Gretchen's eyes widen open] You did check the Lost and Found, didn't you?

[Gretchen gets up from the swing and quickly runs off to see Menlo]

Mikey: I guess that was a no.

Gretchen: The Lost and Found box, Menlo. I need to see it, now!

Menlo: That's not the way it works. You tell me what you lost, and I'll tell you if it's in the box. Those are the rules.

Gretchen: [sighs] One Galileo hand-held PC Model G55 serial number 76502.

Menlo: Oh, yeah. [takes out the box] Spiffy little piece of tech. 300 meg chip, voice activated control, cellular email.

Gretchen: Yes, yes, that's it! Is it in there?

Menlo: Nope, I just like asking. [as Gretchen digs around in the box] I do remember seeing something like that, though.

Gretchen: Where?

Menlo: I don't know. My memory's a little hazy.

Gretchen: [grabs and pulls him by the collar; sharply] OUT WITH IT!

Menlo: Okay! Okay! Just don't hurt me! Yesterday at recess, I was…

Gretchen: [voiceover] Menlo sang like an old guy in the shower when nobody's home. He told me who had Galileo. It was Greg Skeens, the graffiti kid, guy who couldn't spell "computer," much less use one. Menlo told me where to find him. I don't make it a habit to slum in the Third Street School underworld. But if I wanted Galileo back, I had to hold my nose and plunge in. [finds Greg Skeens drawing a graffiti of Finster] Nice work. You're a regular Degas.

Skeens: What'd you call me?

Gretchen: Nothing. Listen, I seem to have misplaced my hand-held computer. About yea big, matte-black finish, soothing voice. Maybe you've seen it around.

Skeens: You mean that TV remote I found under the bench by the kickball field? I traded it for a stick of gum. Stupid thing didn't even work on my TV.

Gretchen: Who?! Who did you trade it to?!

Skeens: Hey! I'm no blabbermouth. Now beat it. I'm busy. I need to write something nasty about Finster before the bell. Uh... how do you spell "meanie?"

---

Gretchen: Now what about your end of the bargain?

Mundy: I, uh, traded your thingamajig to Kirsten Kurst for a bite of her pizza.

Gretchen: [horrified] You mean, Kurst the Worst? [voiceover] Skeens and Mundy were one thing, but Kurst… she was a force of danger.

---

[Gretchen enters the cafeteria, looking for Kurst and finds her in the kitchen, digging around in the fridge and eating all the food]

Gretchen: [fiercely] Kurst, I want my Galileo computer! I know Mundy gave it to you and I want it back!

Kurst: That piece of junk? I traded it. You can't eat a copy thingy. Now butt off! I'm about to enjoy an all-I-can-eat buffet, courtesy of Third Street School.

Gretchen: But, but-

Kurst: You heard me, blow! Go on, dangle!

Gretchen: [voiceover] Maybe I should've just turned around and walked away. Maybe I should've gone to the authorities and let the system do its job. Maybe I should've done a lot things, but I didn't. Before I knew it hit me, something inside me snapped. [shouting furiously] KURST!!! I WANT MY GALILEO, AND I WANT IT NOW!

Kurst: Oh, you do, do ya? Well, that's too bad, 'cause I handed it over… TO SEÑOR PUDDING!

[The two girls start throwing food to each other while fighting; fade back to the present]

Gretchen: [finishing up her story] I got Kirsten Kurst a couple of times, then she blindsided me with a bowl of tapioca. When I came to my senses, she was gone. I managed to sneak out of there, unseen, but by the time I was done wiping pudding out of my hair, Finster was all over me like a pig on sorbet.

Sue Bob: But I don't get it. How'd Finster finger you?

Miss Lemon: It was wasn't so tough, girly. Gretchen here, left a trail of clues a mile wide. "Nefarious" happens to be the word she won last year's spelling bee with. The viscosity of liquid soap was the subject of her blue ribbon science fair project, and finally, here's a tissue, for Pete's sake, you missed a spot of tapioca on your glasses. Oh, you're smart, Grundler, but it's all book and no street. [laughs]

Gretchen: [takes off her glasses to wipe off the tapioca spot] Anyway, I guess you could say I got what's coming to me.

---

Miss Lemon: [answers the phone] Yes, sir? I see. [hangs up] Okay, Grundler. He'll see you now.

Gretchen: [gets up; to Sue Bob] Wish me luck. [enters Principal Prickly's office]

Principal Prickly: [sternly while she takes a seat in front of him] Well, well, Miss Grundler, you're the last person I would've expected to go rotten, but facts speak for themselves. As much as it pains me, I'm afraid I must lower the boom on you.

Gretchen: I understand, sir.

---

Gretchen: [narrating] It was a crazy end to a crazy story. Principal Prickly got so interested in what I was showing him on his computer, he forgot all about taking away my recess, though I did have to clean up the messes. Still, I got Galileo back, I survived my sordid journey through the Underworld, and I'm never going back there again.

Pharaoh Bob [2.8b]

King Bob: So shall it be written, so shall it be done.

---

King Bob: I just wanted to be remembered.

Gretchen: I know Bob. But the thing is great leaders aren't remembered for the things they build. They're remembered for the things they do.

The Story of Whomps [2.9a]

T.J.: Level 5? Man, this whomps!

Principal Prickly: Make that level 6! Ready to push me any further!?!?!

Economics of Recess [2.10a]

Gretchen: Everyone either works for you or just stands around and does nothing.

T.J.: Good point. Gus, start charging kids for standing around. We'll call it a loitering fee.

---

T.J.: I don't need anyone! I'm a self-made boy! I'm king of the world!

Yes, Mikey, Santa Does Shave [2.11]

Gus: Maybe Santa was just having a bad day.

Mikey: Oh, that wasn't Santa.

T.J.: It wasn't?

Mikey: No, that was an impostor. They come out of the woodwork this time of year.

Vince: So, where are we going now?

Mikey: To see the real Santa. He's riding in the big Christmas parade. We better hurry, or we're going to miss him.

Bad Hair Day [2.12a]

Gus: [offended] It's not fair. It's just not fair.

T.J.: [also offended] Yeah, this whomps.

Vince: How come you guys get miss school and we don't?

Gretchen: Because the Young Inventors Fair is an invitational exposition.

Spinelli: Means you gotta be invited.

Gretchen: It's a great opportunity to show off exciting new ideas from smart young minds.

Gus: So why is Spinelli going with you?

Spinelli: 'Cause she needed a smart kid to be her assistance. Wanna make something of it?

Gus: N-not at all. May I be the first to wish you success on this and all future scientific endeavors?

Spinelli: Come, Gretchen, our colleagues await.

Vince: Girls. They sure stick together.

---

[Mikey gets gum all over his head and in his hair while trying to make the record for blowing up a big bubblegum when Captain Sticky popped it]

Mikey: No! This can't be happening!

Vince: Come on, Mikey, You'll break the bubble gum record next time.

Mikey: You don't understand. There won't be a next time. There wasn't even supposed to be a this time. I'm not allowed to chew gum, because when I do, I do this. When my mom and dad find out that I got gum in my hair again, I'm gonna be grounded for a whole year!

T.J.: What about using ice on your hair? I heard that works.

Mikey: Tried it before. It froze my brain.

Vince: Cooking oil?

Mikey: Urban myth.

Gus: Putting a paper bag over your head and then-- [realizes] No, wait. That's for hiccups.

Mikey: I'M DOOMED!

T.J.: Calm down, big guy. We can fix it so your mom and dad will never know the difference.

Mikey: How?

T.J.: All you do gotta do is get a haircut.

Mikey: But I spent all my money on gum. I don't have enough left to go to a barber.

T.J.: You don't need a barber. You got one right here. Snippety-snip, problem solved.

Vince: Uh, Teej, can I talk to you for a minute? No offense, man, but are you wack? What do you know about cutting hair?

T.J.: Come on. I've seen Mr. Neno do it a million times. You comb, you cut, you watch out for the ears. So, Mikey, up for the haircut?

Mikey: I don't know.

T.J.: Trust me.

---

Mikey: [as Gus holds up the mirror, only showing his face] Could you step back a little, Gus? I can't see my hair. [Gus steps back a bit and holds up the mirror again, showing his horrible half-bald haircut; screams in horror]

T.J.: Was that a good "ah" or a bad one?

Mikey: YOU RUINED MY HAIR!

T.J.: Careful, Mikey. You're getting awfully close to hurting Mr. Teej's feelings.

Mikey: Your feelings?! What about my head?!

The Beauty Contest [2.13b]

Ashley A.: Like, these are the entry forms for the official kiddie cosmetics “Little Miss Blush” beauty contest.

Ashley Q.: Pageants, nature’s way of pointing out perfection.

Ashley A.: I’m totally sure an Ashley would take the crown this year. So fill out your entry forms and take them please and dazzle em'...

Spinelli: [off screen] Like totally special delivery!

Season 3

Dodgeball City [3.2a]

Mikey: Fiddle on, thoughtless Nero, as your precious empire burns all around you!

---

Hector: Eventually I stopped calling him Safety Man and started calling him just Gus, but to me, he'll always be... El Diablo!

Lord of the Nerds [3.5b]

Store owner: Knarf! Oh, forgive me! I didn't mean to cross a level 42 sword master!

Frank: I'll let you go this time, but watch out. The sword of Ganymede now hangs perilously close to your skull.

Season 4

Gus' Fortune [4.3a]

Spinelli: Here we go. Hmm, let's see. Seven! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven! "Great riches will soon be yours." Oh, scary. Someone else give it a shot. Come on! You guys don't buy that Stinky Peterson junk, do you?

T.J.: Of course not. I pick four. One, two, three, four. "You will pass your greatest test with flying colors." Hey, that's not so bad. I think this thing's a friendly fortune teller.

Mikey: Me next.

Vince: No, me next.

Gretchen: I'm next. Logic dictates we go girl, boy, girl, boy until we run out of girls. I pick one. "You will take a trip to an exotic land." My word, that is exciting!

Gus: My turn. Oh, great fortune teller, what wonders await me? Great riches? Fame? Adventure, perhaps? I pick five. One, two, three, four, five. "Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow is your final day?" Hey! What kind of fortune is that?

---

Vince: Come on, Gus. None of that stuff's gonna come true. I mean, it's hard enough to imagine Spinelli getting rich and Gretchen taking a trip, but T.J. passing a test with flying colors? Get real.

[Cut to Miss Grotke's classroom]

Miss Grotke: Congratulations and karma kudos, T.J. Detweiler. I know one smart boy whose aura is going to glow all.

T.J.: 101%?

Gretchen: But that can't be right! I only got 100%.

Mikey: Wow! T.J. Passed his test with flying colors! It's just as the fortune teller foretold.

---

Miss Finster: [enraged when Gus' trap accidentally drops the cage on her, which was meant for Gelman] GRISWALD!!!

Gelman: Y-you was gonna trap me in that thing?

T.J.: That's right, Gelman. You step out of line once more and bam! You're Finster-ized.

[Gelman screams and runs away]

Miss Finster: [kindly] Uh... children. [the gang turns to her; infuriated] GET ME OUT OF HERE!

Tattletale Heart [4.4b]

[The gang are eating lunch in the cafeteria while Gus finishes drinking his carton of chocolate milk]

T.J.: [impressed] Wow, Guster, what a set of lungs!

Mikey: Yeah, but maybe you shouldn't have finished your milk first. I mean, aren't you gonna need it for your peanut butter sandwich?

Gus: I couldn't help myself, guys. I love chocolate milk. Whoever thought that putting candy in milk was a genius. [takes a bite of his sandwich] An evil genius. Be right back.

---

Lawson: FOOD FIGHT!!!

---

[While all the kids are forced to clean up the mess in the cafeteria after their food fight…]

Spinelli: Oh, man, I got more food on me from cleaning than I did in battle!

Gus: Guys, I can put an end to this if I just told on…

T.J.: [as he and the others cover his mouth; sternly] Don't say it, Gus.

Gus: But you don't understand! It was… [his friends cover his mouth again]

T.J.: Gus, I'm serious. Don't say it. That'll make you a tattletale.

Vince: Yeah, and being a tattletale is against the kids' unwritten code of honor.

Gus: Are you sure? I mean, it is unwritten and all.

Gretchen: Not anymore, Gus. Behold, the code has now been issued on this convenient and durable laminated reference card.

T.J.: [reading] "Tattletale go to jail. Stick your head in a garbage pail." [sighs] It's pretty clear, all right.

---

Miss Finster: Attention, miscreants. You've (all) been cleaning for over an hour already, and no one's come forward to squeal.

Vince: That's 'cause we've got the code. Right, guys?

Miss Finster: You may be strong in a group. But we'll see how you hold up to individual interrogations. [Gus gulps nervously] We will start in alphabetical order. Beginning with… Adam Able.

Adam: [disappointed] Oh, man, I'm always first. Why couldn't I have been born Zebadiah Zwick?

---

Miss Finster: Care for a soda, Randall?

Randall: Gee, thanks, Miss Finster. Don't mind if I do.

Miss Finster: I need you to do me a little favor, Randall. Somebody out there knows more than they're admitting. I want you to find out who it is.

Randall: You got it, Miss Finster. As always, it's a pleasure working with you.

Miss Finster: It's only a matter of time.

---

Miss Finster: Next!

Gus: [shouting in protest] YOU'LL NEVER MAKE ME TELL! THERE'S A CODE! AN UNBREAKABLE KID CODE! [covers his mouth]

Miss Finster: A code, eh? Well, let's just see if we can't crack it. Forget the alphabets, sonny, you're next!

---

Vince: Gus. You okay, man?

Spinelli: Did you crack?

T.J.: Back off, guys. Give him some air.

Miss Finster: [blowing her whistle] This investigation is officially closed. Thanks, boys. I've ID'd the perp. The culprit is… [sighs] Randall Weems.

Randall: No, I-I didn't mean to do it! It was an accident, I tell you! The mashed potatoes slipped out of my hand!

Miss Finster: I'm very disappointed in you, Randall. My own little weasel gone bad. My world is shaken.

Randall: [berating Gus as he's being taken away] Griswald, you ratted me out! You're a tattletale, you hear me?! A TATTLETALE!!!

---

Miss Finster: STOP! Unhand that boy.

Jerome: We'll get you later, Griswald, when your girlfriend's not around.

Miss Finster: Cute, Jerome, but this boy told me nothing. Poor Randall was fingered by science.

Randall's Friends [4.6b]

Miss Finster: The nerve of that birthday boy, leaving me to do my own grunt work. Let's see. Any evidence of contraband. Chewing gum? Candy wrappers? Hmm, what have we here? Jackpot.

---

Miss Finster: Detweiler! I knew I'd catch the culprit sooner or later.

T.J.: Huh?

Miss Finster: This official memo proves that you're the rapscallion who threw Principal Prickly's flip-flops on the roof.

T.J.: I'm innocent, I'm telling you! Randall, you set me up.

Randall: I didn't. I... I--

Miss Finster: You and the birthday boy can iron out your petty differences later, after one week of level-4 detention.

T.J.: [as Miss Finster takes him away] I'VE BEEN FRAMED!

Randall: [laughs nervously as the rest of the gang glares at him] Anyone for a bounce?

[Gretchen, Vince, and Spinelli angrily chase him around while bouncing in the bouncy house]

Vince: When we catch you, we are going to bounce you to the moon!

Randall: But I threw the note in the trash! How was I supposed to know Finster would find it?

The Biggest Trouble Ever [4.7a]

Gus: Not that I don't love leaves, but what's going on today, anyway?

Gretchen: The town's bustling because the 60-year-old statue of Thaddeus T. Third III has been returned to its rightful place in front of the school that bears his name.

Mikey: Gee! I don't remember any statue ever being out here.

T.J.: That's because it's been overseas for eight years getting shined and--

[As they walk to the front of the school, they gasp in amazement when they see the statue]

Gretchen: Thaddeus T. Third III!

Mikey: He's so regal! His chiseled features seem to say, "I'm an important fellow."

T.J.: Not to me, Mikey. To me they say, "Hop on, Jasper! I'm built for climbing."

[The gang start to climb up the statue; On the other side of the curtain, Principal Prickly is making an announcement]

Principal Prickly: Mr. Mayor, distinguished guests, "big story news" team. It is an honor to host this "Welcome back, Thad" celebration, welcoming back a man with whom we all grew up, a man for whom this street and school are named. A man named... Thaddeus T. Third III!

[The curtains pull back, revealing the statue… and the gang on top of it; the crowd gasp in shock]

T.J.: [chuckles cheekily] How you doin', folks?

[The statue suddenly starts to topple]

Spinelli: He's going over! BAIL!

[The gang jump off from the statue and it falls on the ground, destroyed and shattered into pieces; Mayor Fitzhugh babbles in horrified shock]

Mort Chalk: You gettin' this?

Mayor Fitzhugh: [outraged] Prickly! Do you know what this means?!

Miss Finster: [before Prickly could say anything] He certainly does, Mr. Mayor. [to the gang] You six are in the biggest trouble ever!

[The gang gasp in shock]

---

Spinelli: Man, oh, man. My mom and dad didn't take too kindly to the news last night.

Gus: Pop says I'm not allowed to have another accident until I'm 35.

Mikey: People were crying in the interviews! It was tearing me apart!

T.J.: Look, first thing we do when we get to school, is knock on Prickly's door, explain our side of the story, and apologize up and down.

Vince: Good idea, Teej. That should clear things up. [at school, they're watching Randall and some other kids playing in a leaf pile through the window] Poppin' bobula! Randall just got first flop in our leaf pile!

Miss Finster: [closing the window blinds] No window-gazing for you six! Time to start your punishment. Now, I can make this difficult, or I can make this difficult.

T.J.: Miss Finster, ma'am, before detention, we would like to speak to Principal Prickly.

Miss Finster: Ha! For obvious political reasons, Principal Prickly can't afford to be seen with you. Now, follow me... Vandals!

Gus: Gee, Miss Finster, I don't know if I like being called a vandal.

Miss Finster: Maybe your new outfits will help you feel the part.

Spinelli: [confused] New outfits?

[The gang are now wearing orange prison jumpsuits]

Miss Finster: My, my! Don't we look so very...orange? I trust "the Destructive Six" are feeling constructive today?

T.J.: Yes, sure we do, Miss Finster, but when do we get to tell people how sorry we are?

Miss Finster: Enough back talk! Time to receive your new tools. [holds out a bucket of soap and water and six toothbrushes]

Gus: But I already brushed my teeth.

Miss Finster: Oh, they're not for your teeth. [laughs evilly]

[The gang are then seen using the toothbrushes to clean the hallway floor]

---

[The gang are in the cafeteria kitchen, peeling onions while weeping tearfully due to its reaction]

Mikey: [tearfully] It's hard to tell where the onion-crying stops and the loss-of-a-carefree-childhood crying begins.

Gretchen: It's going to be okay, Mikey.

Vince: What are you talking about, "brains?" We're in the biggest trouble ever!

Gretchen: I'm perfectly aware our situation is hopeless, Vince. I was really trying to console Mikey.

T.J.: Guys, we got to stay together. The adults are already doing enough to punish us. We shouldn't punish each other.

---

Miss Finster: Any chance you have a plan for this one, Detweiler?

T.J.: No, ma'am, I do not.

---

Mayor Fitzhugh: And after much deliberation, we here at City Hall have decided to break up "the Destructive Six," and scatter them throughout the district.

T.J.: Mr. Mayor, can I say something?

Mayor Fitzhugh: I don't know. Can you?

T.J.: Sorry, sir. May I say something?

Mayor Fitzhugh: That's better.

T.J.: Your Honor, this whole time we've been trying to say how sorry we are that the statue broke, so here it is-- We're sorry. We didn't mean to break it. Heck, we thought we were supposed to climb it. I guess we weren't. But the thing is, a priceless statue doesn't feel anything when it gets all broken up, but, sir, a friendship like ours sure does.

Mayor Fitzhugh: Yeah, well. After some deliberation, we agree what you said was very nice. However, a beloved statue has been broken because you climbed on it, and now you all must pay!

Diggers Split Up [4.10b]

Gretchen: Unless I'm mistaken… Diggers split up.

This Brain for Hire [4.13b]

[Night at Gretchen's house]

Mrs. Grundler: Gretchen, dear, are you still up?

Gretchen: Just finishing my homework, Mom.

Mrs. Grundler: Oh, look at all that. You know, this new quadruple homework mandate is a bit excessive.

Nobody Doesn't Like T.J. [4.14b]

[T.J. is sitting alone in the cafeteria for detention and sighs remorsefully]

Miss Finster: No sighing in detention, Detweiler.

T.J.: Yes, Miss Finster. Sorry, Miss Finster.

[His friends are watching outside through the window]

Vince: Man, the playground just isn't the same when Teej is in detention.

A Great State Fair [4.15a]

[All the kids are boarding the buses for their field trip to the Great State Fair]

Miss Grotke: Board the bus in an orderly and harmonic fashion, and please have your signed permission slips ready.

Spinelli: [holding her permission slip] Ah, the good ol' "get out of class free" card.

T.J.: [takes out his permission slip] This is one note from school I'm happy to have my parents sign.

Gus: [checking his pant pockets, realizing he doesn't have his permission slip] Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no!

Spinelli: Don't tell me you forgot your permission slip, Gus.

Gus: I had it this morning. My dad signed it at breakfast, and then he must've put it in his pocket by mistake!

Mikey: Maybe your father could bring it from his office.

Gus: He's not at the office. He's out with the whole division having war games, and mom's out looking at drapes.

T.J.: Not to worry, Gus. Miss Grotke will understand.

Miss Grotke: Thank you, Phil. Watch your step, Judy.

T.J.: Miss Grotke, we got a problem.

Spinelli: Gus forgot his permission slip.

Miss Grotke: Oh, my, that is a problem. Without a permission slip, Gus, you can't go. It's school policy.

[Gus whimpers sadly]

---

Miss Finster: [to Gus and Gelman] All right, you left-behinds, it's fun time.

Don't Ask Me [4.17a]

[As the kids corner Spinelli, angrily blaming her for the negative consequences of their actions and threatening to get their revenge on her]

Guru Kid: [stepping in, defending her] Wait. This is not the way.

Swinger Girl: Step aside, skinny. Spinelli's got it coming!

Guru Kid: Does she? And why is that? Did you not all receive the help you sought?

Kids: Yeah and maybe.

Guru Kid: Blame not the advisor if one chooses to take her advice. Do we all not have the free will to do as we choose? Why not hold her responsible for her actions or you for yours

Swinger Girl: You know, turban boy make sense. I mean, nobody told us we had to listen to Spinelli.

The Secret Life of Grotke [4.17b]

Miss Grotke: As a wise person once said, "You can't judge a book by its cover," and never has nature proved this more pointedly than in the case of the adorable North American horned toad. Because the horned toad has a round body that looks like a frog or toad, it was given the name toad.

---

Mikey: That was really strange.

Spinelli: Miss Grotke never got a phone call in class before.

Vince: Or ran out of school without asking us if we had any questions.

Gus: Yeah, and she didn't flash us her usual two-sign.

Gretchen: That's a peace sign, Gus.

---

T.J.: What we need is more proof. Let's all meet back here tomorrow morning early. Then we can really start investigating. One way or another, we're going to uncover the secret life of Grotke.

---

Gretchen: Look, that MO sticker on the bumper. That's the international abbreviation for Moldavakia.

Gus: Moldavakia?

Spinelli: Where the heck is that?

Gretchen: Moldavakia is a former Eastern Bloc country famous for its luge team, tiny ceramic gnomes, and espionage.

T.J.: Of course! The mysterious phone call, the weird guy from Moldy-vakia, this creepy fog hanging around the school... There's no other explanation. Miss Grotke's a spy!

Gus: A spy?

Gretchen: My word.

Spinelli: A fourth grade teacher... What a great cover.

Mikey: I can't believe it. I won't believe it.

T.J.: Believe it, Mikey. The box with a star for Miss Grotke's "program"... I'm telling you guys, all the evidence points in one direction: S-P-I.

Gretchen: Actually, it's S-P-Y, but T.J. makes a rather compelling argument.

Gus: But wait a second. Is she one of ours or one of theirs?

---

Mikey: It goes to show you can't judge a book by its cover. Or a horny toad, neither.

More Like Gretchen [4.20a]

Spinelli: I was at the breakfast table, putting on my boots and picking through a box of Crusher Krispies, and that's when it happened.

Vince: What happened?

T.J.: The toy surprise was missing from your box.

Spinelli: Worse than that. My mom tells me that after school today, she's taking me to that new museum!

Gus: The Glamour Puss Museum of makeup, wigs, and pantyhose?!

Spinelli: Bingo. [the others gasp in shock] I think it's another of my mom's plans to make me girlie and junk.

T.J.: My heart goes out to you, Spinelli.

Spinelli: I was thinking it'd be a lot less boring looking around at all that lipstick and fru fru girlie junk if someone was there to kind of hang out with me.

Vince: Whoa... Oh, no, I'm not going in that place.

T.J.: Yeah, I'm kind of busy.

Gus: I've got my reputation to worry about.

Spinelli: Thanks, guys, but I was hoping Gretchen could come.

Gretchen: Well, though I seldom pass up a museum, a cosmetics museum doesn't exactly sound like my cup of tea.

Spinelli: You got to help me. I need another kid along so I can goof off and be myself. I'll be bored out of my skull if you don't come. Please?

Gretchen: Oh, for you... Why not? It'll be a girls' day out.

Spinelli: Yes, Gretch! You are the best friend a girl could ever have.

Prince Randall [4.20b]

[Episode starts with T.J. impersonating King Bob while his friends laugh hysterically]

T.J.: Your king craves sustenance. You there, smart girl, design and build a restaurant, then go inside and make me something to eat.

Gretchen: Right away, Your Highness.

T.J.: Very good. In the meantime, large thoughtful boy, give me your Winger-Dingers.

Mikey: But Your Highness, I ate all my Winger-Dingers.

T.J.: That's a royal outrage! Take this Winger-Dinger singer to the dodgeball wall!

Mikey: A Winger-Dinger singer. That's me, all right.

Vince: Man, T.J.'s King Bob impression is dead-on.

T.J.: You there, your king has an itchy bottom.

Randall: [lurking from a bush] That T.J. thinks he's so funny. Well, King Bob won't think so when he finds out…

King Bob: [off-screen] Scribe Kid, get this down.

Randall: And it looks like he'll find out sooner than later.

---

T.J.: Thanks a lot, Randall. I'm sorry, King Bob.

King Bob: Indeed. Bring him to me. Not Detweiler, him. [gesturing to Randall]

T.J.: Huh?

Randall: Maybe I wasn't clear before. T.J. was making fun of you.

King Bob: Of course Detweiler was making fun of me. He's a crazy monkey boy. It's what he does. You, on the other hand, are the boy who cried "king" once too often.

Randall: I'm not sure I follow.

Good Ole T.J. [4.21b]

Miss Grotke: My goodness, no Gretchen?

Gus: I win! Gretchen's never late, so she must be absent. At last, I've demonstrated true savvy. One pack of winger-dingers, please.

Spinelli: [annoyed] Whompin'-bobula! When will I ever learn?

Gretchen: [finally shows up late] Whew. Sorry I'm late.

Gus: [gives Spinelli back her Winger-Dingers; disappointed] You win. What was I thinking? Gretchen never misses school.

Spinelli: [satisfied] Never doubted her for a second.

Gretchen: I was answering Mr. Wood's questions about ionic bonding, and I'm afraid I lost track of time, Miss Grotke.

Miss Grotke: I'm sorry, too, Gretchen, but just the same, I'm going to have to enter this in your permanent record. [opens the top left drawer of her desk and takes out Gretchen's permanent record as the class gasp]

Mikey: Not Gretchen. She's the finest of us all.

Gretchen: I take full responsibility for my tardiness and I apologize for any delay it may have caused my classmates in their efforts to learn.

T.J.: [showing up really late] Morning, people.

Miss Grotke: T.J., is there something you'd like to tell the class?

T.J.: Oh, yeah. Knock, knock.

Students: Who's there?

T.J.: Justin.

Students: Justin who?

T.J.: Just in time for class!

[All the kids laugh]

Miss Grotke: Such a clever boy. Take your seats.

Spinelli: Good ole T.J. can get away with just about anything.

Gretchen: Yes, good ole T.J. [later around lunchtime…] Seeing as I'm one penny short, I'll just swap this chocolate milk for a regular. Calcium's calcium, right?

Lunchlady Irma: Whatever floats your boat, kid.

T.J.: I don't have any money, ma'am, but I do have my marker. Don't worry. There's a whole pad more where that came from.

Lunchlady Irma: [chuckles] Good ole T.J.

Gretchen: [offended] Indeed.

[Later outside during recess…]

T.J.: Snazzy day, huh, buds?

Mikey: Every day is snazzy to me, T.J.

Gretchen: [chewing some gum] Yeah, the snazziest.

Miss Finster: Grundler, is that gum in your mouth?

Gretchen: Well, technically, yes, but, you see, it's a prototype gum substitute. I developed it myself. Though chewy, it is in no way sticky, and therefore--

Miss Finster: Therefore it's still gum. I'm assigning you to garbage detail for the rest of the week. Oh, and I suggest you bring gloves.

Gretchen: [remorsefully] Yes, ma'am.

Miss Finster: [catching T.J. trying to tiptoe away] Not so fast, Detweiler. I know you're packing a wad. Open up and spit it out.

T.J.: Okay, Miss Finster, it's true, but you see, it's prescription gum.

Miss Finster: I can't make head or tail of this chicken scratch. He must be an excellent dentist.

T.J.: He says I have early stage gingi-something.

Miss Finster: Gingivitis? That's the most insidious disease known to mouth. Now listen to me, T.J., if you want to grow up to have healthy teeth and gums like mine, just do as your dentist says and chew that gum. In fact, if I catch you and you're not chewing gum, I'll make Grundler here think she's lucky. Now, what's that over there?

Gus: You don't really have gingi-something, do you, Teej?

T.J.: No, Gus. That was just a little something I tucked away for emergencies. Phew. That kind of gamesmanship parches a fella. Water fountain, here I come.

Gus: Good ole T.J. does it again.

Gretchen: Gingi-something.

---

T.J.: Why so heavy on the books, Gretch?

Gretchen: We have to do research so we can successfully explore the topic and come up with a unique idea in which to focus.

T.J.: That's great, Gretch, but we don't have to do any of that research stuff.

Gretchen: We don't have to do research?

T.J.: Nah, I already got a great project all figured out. All we need are some sweet supplies and 20 minutes, tops.

Gretchen: I don't know. We'll be better off with a project that requires real work. Since I know you like tools, I thought a project demonstrating the Irrigation of Ancient Mesopotamia might be just our ticket.

T.J.: Irritation of Meso-who?

Gretchen: Irrigation of Ancient Mesopotamia. It was the cradle of civilization.

T.J.: Oh, yeah, back when civilization was a baby.

Gretchen: Look, T.J., I have an abundance of material to get through, so if you don't mind...

T.J.: Okay, Gretch, but I'm telling you I got a project that just can't fail.

Gretchen: Well, I'm going to read about this just in case. Try not to make too much noise.

---

Gretchen: So you guys didn't get upset with T.J.?

Vince: Heck no. T.J. was just being T.J.

Spinelli: Yeah, Gretch, and with your smarts and T.J.'s style, you're looking at the easiest project you've ever done.

Gretchen: You know something, Spinelli? You might just have a point. Why am I fighting the charm, the verve, the unmitigated moxie that is T.J. Detweiler?

Gus: You can't do it. It can't be done.

Gretchen: My friends, this time around, I'm going to do the smart thing.

---

Miss Grotke: Minimal pass.

T.J.: All right! The passing streak continues.

Miss Grotke: Not your best effort, Gretchen, but you slid by.

Season 5

The C Note [5.2b]

Gretchen: What are we going to do with all those smackeroonies?

T.J.: Well, Gretch, I've got a couple of ideas. I'm gonna use the money to buy a skyscraper or a rocket. Here's the tender part. Either way, I'm doing my shopping in a jetpack!

Spinelli: Kid stuff. I'm using my share to start the world's coolest sport. It'll be a combination of pro-wrestling and bowling I call, "Strikeout!" Of course, I'll referee things for my jetpack.

Gretchen: Interesting notions, Spinelli, but I plan to use my unexpected windfall to help others, by researching and curing all diseases. Yes, it worked! I did it! I found the cure! Thank you! Of course, I'll use a jetpack to survey the beautiful world I've saved.

Mikey: That sounds wonderful, Gretchen, but there's only one way I would spend this fortuitous fortune. I'll pay off my tab at Kelso's, and then I'll give Mr. Kelso a ride on my jetpack!

Spinelli: About time you paid up, Mikey.

Vince: Well, I'm a rich kid who likes the sea. I'm going to get the most beautiful yacht I can find and sail it all over the world. And I'll never have to dock it. 'Cause I'll just fly to it on my J.P.

T.J.: Classy, Vince. Very classy.

Gus: I will build a better jetpack. I'll even test-pilot it myself. [screams as he flies too high] How do I stop this thing?! [back to reality] Or maybe I'll just buy monster stickers.

Season 6

Lost Leader [6.3b]

Erwin Lawson: "Aw Man, We lose!"