Robert Wilton Smith (28 August1881 – 1 May1957) was one of the most popular English comedians of the 1930s and 1940s. In his sketches and monologues he usually portrayed work-shy, henpecked husbands or dithering, ineffectual authority figures.
Woman: Do come along quick, there's a house on fire. Fire Chief: A house on fire? Just a moment, lady – what's the address? Woman: Grimshaw Street. Fire Chief: Grimshaw Street – Grimshaw … now wait a minute, I know it as well as can be, and I just can't place it. Woman: Oh come along, it's only just round... Fire Chief: No, no, no – don't tell me, let me try and think of it for myself. Grimshaw St–... oh, isn't that annoying, I could walk straight to it, and I can't think of it.
The Fire Chief
He said "I'll punch your head!" I said "Whose?" He said "Yours!"
I said "Mine?" He said "Yes!" I said "Oh?"
He said "Want a fight?" I said "Who?" He said "You!"
I said "Me?" He said "Yes!" I said "No!"
So we then came to words, he said "You're a cad!"
I said "Cad?" He said "Yes!" I said "Who?"
He said "Who?" I said "Yes." He said "You!" I said "Oh!"
So of course then I knew.
The day war broke out, my Missus said to me – she looked at me and she said, "What good are you?"
"Well," she said, "All the young fellas'll be getting called up and you'll have to go back to work!"
Ooh – she's got a cruel tongue!
She said,"What are you supposed to do?"
I said, "I'm supposed to stop Hitler's army landing."
She said, "What! – you?"
I said, "No – there's Charlie Evans, Dick Roberts...I said, "There's seven or eight of us, altogether." I said, "We're in a group." I said, "We're on guard in a little hut behind the Dog and Pullet."
She said, "What's the good of being in a little hut behind the Dog and Pullet?" She said, "I suppose that was your idea!"
I said, "Aye, and that Charlie Evans wants to claim it as his!"
She said, "Do you know this Hitler? Have you ever met him?"
I said, "Do I – of course I don't!"
She said, "Well how are you going to know which is him if they do land?"
I said, "Well, I've got a tongue in my head, haven't I?"