[The sketch begins with the words at the beginning of each Star Wars film]
[A long time ago...Hey, if it's a long time ago, how do they have lasers...We don't have lasers. Wait, yes we do. Point Withdrawn...]
[Fades to black and shows the second Death Star accompanied by dramatic music. The Millennium Falcon and the Rebel fleet are seen approaching the Death Star. Inside the Death Star, Darth Vader is about to throw Emperor Palpatine down a shaft]
Palpatine: [first lines] What are you doing? What are you doing?! Put me down! I- [Vader tosses him down the pit and pauses as he screams while beginning to fall, but the video stops; narrating] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You ever have one of those moments where you think, "How the hell did I get here?" [Baba O' Riley plays and the camera slowly zooms in on him] Geez, what happened to me? I was ruling the galaxy. Had a cherry new battle station. [pans over to him cutting the red rope with red light scissors inside the Death Star with an omelet bar next to it. Vader helps him cut it] I mean, this place had an omelet bar. A straight up omelet bar! [the ribbon was cut and an Imperial guard claps] And now look. [pans over to Vader after tossing him down the hole] My former intern's tossing me down a bottomless, freaking pit! [pan back to him][sighs] You know, come to think of it, my whole life has been a series of "What the [bleep]" moments. [blinks and faces the camera] That, uh. That was my out. [falls and pans down to the planet of Naboo into a busy district; narrating] I didn't always look like a boiled cow hemorrhoid. [camera zooms in on his younger self] Cast your eyes on that handsome devil right there. [his younger self turns and winks] Don't be alarmed if your undies turn into a moist towelette.
[Cuts to Palpatine's summer home as Baba O' Riley stops playing]
Rodian Contractor: And that is where we will put the skylight, Mr. Palpatine.
Young Palpatine: How exciting! Only 23 and already building my dream home right on the Naboo beach!
[Then they see a group of hippies protesting next to a nest of Gungan eggs]
Male Hippie: Hey, man! Stop harshing those Gungan eggs! Gungans are endangered, man!
Palpatine: [narrating as the video pauses for a second] Hippies suck ass in every galaxy.
Young Palpatine: [to the hippies] What? Gungans aren't endangered! There's like a billion of them! They-They breed like guppies!
Male Hippie: Boo! Boo! Boo on you, man! [grabs one of the eggs] Boo on you, dude!
[A bulldozer starts and runs over the eggs. The goop from the eggs splatter all over Palpatine and the contractor. Cut to Palpatine at a meeting holding an open laptop in his hand showing a graph]
Young Palpatine: And that is why we should change the zoning law.
Male Senator: And what of the Gungan eggs?
Young Palpatine: We'll give them to the school hot lunch program! [closes the laptop]
[Everyone claps]
Jar Jar Binks: [shocked] He-sa say what now?!
Male Senator: [to the young Palpatine] Young man, you should consider a career in politics!
Young Palpatine: Hey, yeah. I should!
Palpatine: [narrating] And I did. [Baba O' Riley plays again] You're welcome, galaxy. Never did thank that guy.
[Pans up to see the message "30 years later" Senator is watching TV in the dark completely awe struck and in a mess as Baba O' Riley fades quickly]
TV Announcer: And so, Emperor Palpatine has followed up the bloodiest war in the history of the galaxy by imposing a tyrannical dictatorship and killing all the Jedi!
Male Senator: [holds a gun to his head] I've ruined the galaxy.
TV: Wheel of Fortune!
Male Senator: [interested] Ooh!
[Pans over to Little Anakin Skywalker and a teenage Padme Amidala in Watto's workshop as Baba O' Riley plays again]
Palpatine: [narrating] See that little cub scout? Anakin Skywalker, baby. [Baba O' Riley stops playing] Eventually I pick him to rule the galaxy by my side.
Young Anakin: Are you an angel?
Young Padme: What?
Palpatine: [narrating] What?
Young Anakin: The deep space pilots talk about how beautiful angels are.
Young Padme: No, I'm not an angel.
Young Anakin: [pauses] Are you a fairy?
Young Padme: Fairies aren't real either.
Young Anakin: [pauses again] Are you an elephant?
[Young Padme sighs and leaves; Baba O' Riley plays again]
Palpatine: [narrating] I'm not going to sugar coat this. Mistakes were made. I-I really should have extended the selection process for, uh... [Young Anakin picks his nose] Oh, no. No. Please don't pick your- [and boogers covers Anakin's face; sighs] Ladies and gentlemen, Darth Vader!
[Anakin laughs and pans over to the Geonosian arena. Jango Fett's head has been cut off by Mace Windu and bounces over to young Boba Fett, who sadly picks it up]
Lady: [comes over to young Boba Fett, covers him with a blanket, takes his father's helmet and gives him an Ewok doll] I know you don't believe me now. But, I promise, It's all going to be okay.
Palpatine: [narrating] Apparently, we're contractually obligated to follow that dumb kid's story, too. [camera pans down to Gary the Stormtrooper's room] That's what happens when you sell the most action figures! Thank you, fanboys! [Gary is seen sleeping in his boxers] Who's this guy? He's not in my note cards. Is he gonna have a story too?
[The alarm rings and Gary groans and uses his left hand to hit the alarm. He then goes back to sleep]
Gary's Wife: [off-screen] Gary! You'll be late for work!
Palpatine: [narrating] His name's Gary?! I-I'm sorry. I'm confused. Are-are we doing my story or-or-or are we just doing some random, pointless- [Gary farts and scratches his butt] Ah. Welcome to Robot Chicken, apparently.
[Cuts to the Star Wars Robot Chicken intro]
Young Anakin: [after blowing up the Trade Federation ship] Woo-hoo!!! Now "this" is Pod Racing!
Radio Operator: [on the com channel] Did anyone else pick up that transmission? It sounds like a little girl is on our com channel.
Young Anakin: Aww!
[The sketch begins in the Jedi Council where the Jedi Masters discuss a meeting regarding Anakin Skywalker]
Yoda: Much fear, I sense in young Anakin. To be trained as a Jedi, he must not be.
Mace Windu: He could bring balance to the Force.
Yoda: Correct, you are.
Yarael Poof: [short pause] I thought you said that would be bad!
Yoda: From the prophecy, that boy could be.
Yarael Poof: Can I ask what the prophecy is?! Why is that something I don't know?!
Mace Windu: I will tell him of the Council's decision tomorrow.
Yarael Poof: Oh, so it's a Council now?! It's not just the two of you?! [to Oppo Rancisis] What about you, Dogface?! Did you know that now it was a Council?!
Yoda: Inform the Senate, we must. Of our lessened ability to use the Force.
Yarael Poof: [leans his head] WHO can't use the Force now?! I can still use the Force! Let's put that one to a vote because I don't even know what that means! [timidly] Does anyone realize that I'm talking?
[Yoda and Mace Windu look at each other]
Mace Windu: Enough for today. We should eat.
Yoda: Getting pizza, Yarael Poof should do. All in favor?
Jedi Council: Aye!
Yarael Poof: [sighs as he puts his head down between his knees] I just got the coffee yesterday. I submitted the receipt, have yet to be reimbursed. Is anyone else having this issue?! But, oh, look! If it's the will of the Council, then I'll go!
Jedi Council: Aye!
Yarael Poof: Fine! Listen, Yaddle, I'm going to need to borrow your car!
Yaddle, in a Kermit the Frog voice: Um, in the shop, it is?
Yarael Poof: I just saw it downstairs.
Yaddle: [mumbles] Well, insurance sent you...
Yarael Poof: Okay, I am going. I'm one of twelve Jedi in the whole galaxy on the Jedi Council. And today it is my job to get the pizza. Sure! Yeah, my parents, they're very proud.
[Anakin and Padme are having dinner. Padme giggles, and Anakin levitates a fruit to her]
Padme: [reaches for it, but suddenly smacks it away]BAM! REJECTED! Re-Re-Rejec-ted! [imitating cocking and firing a shotgun] Chk-chk! BA-BOOM! Rejected! [leaves while walking backwards. Beat. Anakin is silent and in disbelief. She knocks over her chair]BAM!
[During the battle at the arena on Geonosis]
Partygoer: [appears out of nowhere] Do-do doodle-do! DO-do doodle-do! Do-do do-do doodle-do! Do-do doodle-do! Do-do doodle-do! Do-do doodle-doodle-do!
[Both Anakin and Padme entered the room]
Padme: This is my room for talking about non-sexual matters. Please, Ani, sit.
Anakin: [sits and takes a deep breath] We need to talk about us, how, uh... [sniffs the perfume] Is that lavender?
Padme: Do you like it? I like to smell 'senatorial'.
Anakin: Padme, from the moment I met you, I've thought about you every day.
Padme: That's nice. [takes off hairpiece, and releases her long black hair] I think of the Senate almost every day. I'm a Senator, you know.
Anakin: I'm in agony, Padme, I can't breathe!
Padme: Have you tried yoga? [takes off her skirt, does cartwheel, and spins around the room] All us politicians do it. [jumps and lands on the floor doing a split, which is attracting Anakin wildly] Uhhhgh! Oh, it's tight! UUUUUUUUHHHHGH! [stretches multiple times] Uhhgh!
Anakin: If...uh...you're suffering as much as I am, please tell me...
Padme: [a pole appears from the ceiling] Oh, Ani! [does pole dance with shining colorful lights on the scene, which attracts Anakin even more] You're a Jedi! And I'm a queen, and a hand maid, and a Senator! Uhhhgh! [Anakin tries holding in attraction, but is struggling. R2-D2 appears, and Padme takes her yoga leggings off, exposing her bikini and panties] Oopsie daisy! [Anakin continues holding it all in as the camera eases onto him. She takes out soapy sponge, and speaks to R2-D2] Let's get you clean, dirty boy! [scrubs R2-D2's top, and his seeing eye pops out from his head] Whoop! Sorry!
Anakin: You're in my very soul, tormenting me! [Padme sits on the chair, pulls down the crank, and water pours all over her body, à la Flashdance] I wish I could just wish away my feelings, but I can't!
Padme: I will "not" get into this...and neither will you. [walks away]
Young Boba Fett: [throws a baseball] Throw it back, Dad! [we only see Jango's helmet] Dad?
[In Palpatine's office]
Palpatine: Henceforth, you shall be known as Darth Vader.
Anakin/Darth Vader: Thank you, my master.
Palpatine: Hey, before you go...my face is really warm. Is everything okay up here?
Anakin/Darth Vader: I...don't know. What do you mean?
Palpatine: [removes his hood and smoke billows up. He touches his face but pulls away] Ow. Ahh. Ow, my face! It's on fire!
Anakin/Darth Vader: [holding his chuckle] Well, there...is a possibility that when you were fighting Mace Windu, he deflected some of your Force lightning back into your face.
Palpatine: Are you kidding me? How much?
Anakin/Darth Vader: A lot. [still holding his chuckle] I don't think there was one bolt of Force lightning that didn't bounce off Master Windu's lightsaber directly back into your face.
Palpatine: And you just sat there and watched?!
Anakin/Darth Vader: Turning to the Dark Side was a pretty big decision.
Palpatine: [looking into a mirror] Oh, my God! I look like I have a scrotum for a face! What am I supposed to call myself, Darth Syphilis?! If you'd made up your mind five seconds earlier, we could've ruled the galaxy [smashes the mirror to the floor] and maybe I could've gotten laid one more time before I die!
Anakin/Darth Vader: [backing away] I can see you're upset. I'm just gonna go slaughter those younglings! [leaves]
Palpatine: Yeah, whatever.
Yarael Poof: [enters the Jedi Council room with pizzas] They didn't have calamari pizza because Mon Calamari are people, and I did not know that! [gasps and notices the Council room is destroyed. Dramatic music is playing] Is everyone on the Council dead?! Oh, I'd better hurry then! My time is short! [drops the pizzas and hops into a nearby chair, imitating Yoda] Hey, everyone! I'm Yoda! Mmmm. Talk weird I do. Hate leads to anger and anger leads to never letting anyone else talk! [an explosion outside scares him] Ah! Oh, no! [runs out of the room with some of the pizzas]
Palpatine: [to the burnt and limbless Anakin on the operating table, laughing] Hey, dummy, I'm gonna call you Darth Mat from now on, as in "What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs laying on the front porch?" Mat. Darth Mat. [Anakin cries] Okay, okay, it's okay. We're gonna make this all better. I'm hooking you up with a Super Suit, life support, new Gems...
Anakin/Darth Vader: Leather.
Palpatine: You hear that? My boy gets the finest leather you've got.
Anakin/Darth Vader: Full-body...black leather...
Palpatine: I see what you're going for there. Kind of an S&M thing.
Anakin/Darth Vader: Oh, and a cape. Yeah. A cape would be pretty wizard. And a sweet voice box. And flashing lights.
Palpatine: Can we just put this idiot under? [scene changes] Vader, rise.
[Vader pulled his arms and legs from the cuffs, rises from the operating table. He began to walk slowly, and as he stops, he began to dance to the disco version of Star Wars theme à la Saturday Night Fever. He dances with the stormtrooper, and a female officer. He climbed up the stairs in the throne room as he still dances]
Darth Vader: [in his new mechanical voice] Tarkin! [dancing with Tarkin]
Tarkin: [suddenly dances with Vader] Let me go!
Darth Vader: [lets go of Tarkin, and suddenly, his stomach rumbles] Uh-Oh. [goes into the bathroom] Hmm, is it one of these... [pressing buttons on his armor chest] Flip the switch...Or... [turns on Leia's Theme] Ooh, that's nice. Whew. [then suddenly different musics plays. And as he sits on the floor, he accidentally flushed his cape in the toilet] No! [tries to pull his cape while pressing buttons that changes his voice box] No! [his cape got yanked] No! [his cape went flushing down the toilet] No!
Officer: [enters] You rang, Lord Vader?
Darth Vader: No. [accidentally pressed the button, which his helmet pops out and hits the officer in the face] Oops! [presses another button, but two roller skates appeared under his feet, and began to slip while rolling, and falls back down again, before his left arm gets stuck in the toilet] No! [cries]
Palpatine: [narrating] Beginning to see a pattern here, quite frankly. Choose your apprentice in haste, repent in leisure, as the saying goes. It's like Darth Pl... [cut to the commercials, and back to the same scene] Do you know how long I kept talking before I realized you people were gone?! You could have told me that you were gonna...You know what, you know what, I don't want to get into this right now. Let's just keep going.
Palpatine: Excellent! Order 66 was a complete success.
Darth Vader: My master, what were the first 65 orders?
Palpatine: I'm glad you asked! [singing with the tune of "Turkey in the Straw" on the violin]
Ohh...Capture me a Wookiee, kick a princess in the cookie.
Sabotage the espionage of a Bothan spy.
Activate the trash compactor, let's protect the main reactor.
Stab a smuggler in the jugular and watch him die.
Corrupt a teen from Tatooine.
Manipulate a Gungan and kill Naboo's Queen.
Trap a Mon Calamari, take a Tauntaun Hoth safari,
Hit a topless bar on Mustafar with artist Ralph McQuarrie.
Ohh...Number 13, find investors. Number 14, make a Death Star I?
While you're at it, draw some plans up for my Death Star 2.
Unmask a dirty Jawa. Crank-call General Dodonna.
Clone a load of Cannon Fodder out on Kamino.
[After the song, he accidentally broke the string of the violin; then back to reality]
Palpatine: You know what? I'll just e-mail you a PDF or something.
Darth Vader: If you don't have the time, then whenever you get around to it.
[Obi-Wan "Ben" Kenobi looks at himself in the mirror]
Obi-Wan: [does a mind trick on himself] You're an attractive man for your age. [under his own mind trick] I am an attractive man for my age. [does it again] You have a lot to offer a woman. [under his same mind trick] I have a lot to offer a woman.
[Gary the Stormtrooper occupies one of the elevators]
Palpatine: [walking towards the elevator] H-Hold the elevator! [Gary spots the Emperor and frantically presses the up button] I'll remember this! What's your ID number?!
Gary: It's 1142... [the elevator door begins to close, he flips off with both middle fingers] eat my ass!
[The door closes, locking the Emperor out]
Palpatine: [sighs, then starts pressing the up button] Come on, come on, come on! [continues pressing the up button and starts banging his fist on the door, with no avail. Just then, a group of Quarren appear on the other elevator] Oh, I'll-I'll-I'll-I'll just take the next one.
Quarren: Plenty of room!
Palpatine: Um, nah, I'll-I'll just take the escalator.
Quarren: Sq-q-q-queeze on in!
Palpatine: I'd rather my robes didn't smell like a [bleep]ing Filet o' Fish all day, thanks.
[The Quarren get offended with this remark and go completely silent from the Emperor's insult]
Quarren: [after some silence] That's hurtful, man.
Palpatine: Well, next time just let it go, let it go.
[The Quarren shakes his head as the elevator door shuts. The scene changes, Palpatine is on the escalator, sighing in exasperation. Then Stormtroopers on the other escalator come down, greeting the Emperor]
Stormtrooper 1: My lord.
Palpatine: Stormtrooper.
Stormtrooper 2: My lord.
Palpatine: Stormtrooper.
Stormtrooper 3: My lord.
Palpatine: Stormtrooper.
Stormtrooper 4: My lord.
Palpatine: Yep.
Stormtrooper 5: My lord.
Palpatine: Uh-huh.
Stormtrooper 6: My lord.
Palpatine: [gives him thumbs up] Yo.
Stormtrooper 7: My lord.
Palpatine: [nods his head] Mmmhmm.
[Short pause]
Stormtrooper 8: My lord.
Palpatine: [sigh] Stormtrooper.
Stormtrooper 9: My lord.
Palpatine: Stormtrooper.
Stormtrooper 10: My lord.
Palpatine: Stormtrooper...
Stormtrooper 11: My lord.
Palpatine: [now getting annoyed] Stormtrooper.
Stormtrooper 12: My lord.
Palpatine: Stormtrooper!
Stormtrooper 13: My lord.
Palpatine: Stormtrooper!
Stormtrooper 14: My lord.
Palpatine: Stormtrooper, Stormtrooper! [irritable gibberish, complete with arm flailing to punctuate]
[A longer pause]
Stormtrooper 15: My lord.
Palpatine: [annoyed] Ugh.
Stormtrooper 16: My lord.
Palpatine: [voice lowered, pointing his finger at the Stormtrooper's face] Go [bleep] yourself.
Stormtrooper 17: My lord.
Palpatine: [gives him the middle finger] Go [bleep] yourself.
Stormtrooper 18: My lord.
Palpatine: [voice raising] Go [bleep] yourself!
Stormtrooper 19: My lord!
Palpatine: [yelling while giving him both middle fingers] GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF!!!
Stormtrooper 19: [depressed, lowers head] Aww...
[Another short pause]
RA-7 Protocol Droid: WAZZUP!!!!
[A salesman knocks on the Lars' door, and Beru answers it]
Salesman: [removes his fedora] Good afternoon, ma'am, I'm selling fire insurance, and would like...
Beru: No thanks. [closes the door]
Salesman: [sighs, puts his fedora back on, and walks off] We'll get one...We'll get one...
[Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader are in the Death Star cafeteria about to get lunch. Stormtroopers, Imperial officers and an Imperial guard are having lunch]
Palpatine: [to Vader] So all the clones were, like, "Pow! Pow! Pow!" And it was awesome! Jedi bodies everywhere! It was so awesome.
Darth Vader: I'm sure you killed all the Jedi, my Master.
Palpatine: Of course I got 'em all, you moron! I said it was awesome! It wouldn't have been awesome if I missed any!
Darth Vader: [to the cook] Hmm. I'll have the bisque.
[It's Yarael Poof, disguised as a cook with a fake mustache. He rises, and panics when he sees Vader and Palpatine, and tosses his ladle in the air. He tries to grab it but it falls to the floor. He peeks as Palpatine and Vader stared at him very confusingly]
Palpatine: And I'll have the cream of spinach. But not with that ladle, clumsy! [Yarael Poof giggles nervously and gives him his cream of spinach and Vader his bisque. They begin to leave] Ladle. Ladle, ladle, ladle.
Darth Vader: Ooh, cobbler.
Palpatine: Ladle. That's a funny word. [stops] Wait! I sense a disturbance in the Force! [he and Vader rush back to Yarael Poof, who starts to get worried. They glared at him; happily] You didn't give us any crackers!
Yarael Poof: [gives them crackers before they leave; gravely to himself] Everyone I know is dead.
Stormtrooper: [shows up] Uh, you got any more mac and cheese?
Yarael Poof: [puts on a fake happy face] Yes, we do!
[On the Death Star, Gary the Stormtrooper was strolling along while humming Max Rebo's song]
Pilot: [having trouble with his butt] Hey, Gary, could you cover for me while I hit the head? I'm sitting on a cigar here.
Gary: You mean drive the Death Star?! No, man, I can't do that.
Pilot: Come on, man, I'm growing a tail!
Gary: All right, okay. [taking controls]
Pilot: [runs off to the bathroom] Oh, oh, it's gone from prevention to triage! Clean-up on aisle my shorts!
[One Hour Later]
Gary: [checking the controls] Come on, man. Where are you? [accidentally pressed the red button] Oops!
Computer Voice: Warning. On course for impact.
[The Death Star somehow flies faster towards Alderaan]
Gary: [freaking out] What?! Oh! No! Uh...uh...No! Oh, no! Oh, no, no, no! [spots the floor petal that shapes like a foot, and uses his foot to press it, which is halting the Death Star]
Stormtroopers: [riding the elevators] Ow! [fall over]
Naked Stormtroopers: [taking showers] Ugh! [fall over, accidentally having sex]
Yarael Poof, Stormtroopers, and Officers: [serving food] Aah! [fall to the floor]
Stormtrooper: [at the vending machine] Hungh! [the vending machine crushes him dead]
Rebel Officer: [as Vader chokes him] N-N-N-No!
Obi-Wan Kenobi: [at the Tractor Beam 12] What the... [falls into the shaft]
Pilot: [while using the bathroom] Aah! [was jumped high and landed on another toilet] Oh. [continues reading the newspaper]
[The Death Star moves closer and faster]
Gray: [pulling the lever] Come on, Gary! Use the Force!
Boy: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
[The Death Star finally stops, inches away from school]
Teacher: All right, everybody. Back to class.
Boy: Aww! [going back inside the school]
Jessica: My daddy works there. [waves]
[At Jabba's Palace, we focus on Boba Fett having a drink]
Announcer: He shot first. [Boba looks at the camera while raising his glass] And last. [Boba punches and kicks Yoda in the face] He doesn't use the Force. [Boba shoots Yoda with his blaster] He just uses force. [Boba dances with Padme, much to Anakin's dismay] He has never called anything "Wizard." [Boba is playing a guitar with George Lucas while face-melting] He has never "Had a bad feeling about this."
Boba Fett: [making out with the girl, and looks at the camera] Line.
Announcer: Boba Fett is...The most interesting bounty hunter in the Galaxy.
[Boba kisses the girl and smacks her bottom]
Owen: Do you speak Bocce?
C-3PO: Of course I do, Sir. It's like a second language to me. I'm as fluent in Bocce...
Owen: All right, shut up. What about Spanish?
C-3PO: [confused] Spanish?
Owen: Yeah. Do you speak Spanish?
C-3PO: [trying to remember] Um, I-I... [we cut to the flashback in Spanish class] I am C-3PO, Human Cyborg relations, and I'm fluent in over 6 million forms of...
Alfonso: Uh-Oh! En este clase, nosotros hablamo, en Espanol. Bueno? Bueno. Me llamo Alfonso. Y tu? Como te llamas?
C-3PO: Me...llamo?
Alfonso: Si.
C-3PO: C-3PO.
Alfonso: [not understanding] Si. 3PO. Bueno.
C-3PO: No, no. C-3PO.
Alfonso: [still not understanding] Si. 3PO. Si?
C-3PO: C-3PO.
Alfonso: [still not understanding] Si! Mira! 3PO!
C-3PO: No, I'm saying my name begins with the letter C.
Alfonso: [having enough] En este clase, hablas en Espanol.
C-3PO: Entiendes? But...
Alfonso: [points to the school desk] Sientate.
C-3PO: But...
Alfonso: 3PO! Andele! Andele!
C-3PO: [going back to his desk] Oh.
[R2-D2 appears, beeping]
Alfonso: Hey, Arturito! En Espanol, por favor!
[We cut back to the present]
Owen: Well, do you speak Spanish or not?
C-3PO: Si...3PO.
[R5-D4 was lying on the couch, flipping channels with the remote]
Luke: [enters] What are you doing? You're supposed to be out plowing the field.
R5-D4: It's hot. I'll do it tomorrow.
Luke: Come on, man. It's your job.
R5-D4: Uh, not really feeling it. Hey, could you move a little? You're totally blocking my view.
Luke: [calling out] Uncle Owen, this droid has a bad motivator!
[Gary and his fellow Stormtrooper Carl are at Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru's farm, as Gary tells Beru about what happened to him on "Take Your Daughter to Work Day" over cookies and blue milk]
Gary: And then Lord Vader shows up, and he's all [imitates Darth Vader] "What's this little girl doing here?" [Beru laughs] It was not a good day to be wearing white armor, let's just put it that way.
Beru: I haven't laughed this hard in ages. I'm so happy you two stopped by.
Gary: [picks up a cookie] You know, I thought going door to door looking for those droids was gonna suck. But if it gets me out of the heat and filled up with cookies and blue milk, I'm all for it. And speaking of blue milk, could I use your bathroom, Beru?
Beru: Of course. Down the hall on the left.
[In the bathroom, Gary has finished using the toilet and flushes, then he washes his hands in the sink, dries them with the towel on the rack next to a lit candle, struts a bit, and poses in front of the mirror, all while humming Max Rebo's song. Gary them opens a drawer and pulls out a bottle]
Gary: [reading the label on the bottle] "Apply directly to rectal fissures"? Ugh! [drops the bottle back in the drawer in disgust and slams it shut, causing the shelves in front of him to break, but he manages to catch all the bottles that fall off. Unfortunately, the other shelf breaks, and a huge plate rolls off and knocks the towel rack into the candle, setting the towel on fire] Uh-oh. [tries to fan the flames with his bare hands] Not good! Not good, not good. Uh... [runs over to the sink, grabs another towel, runs back to the fire, and tries to put it out with the towel, but the towel also catches fire, as does the entire bathroom] Oh [bleep]! [throws the burning towel at the toilet seat, which also catches fire] Uh... [runs back to the sink, turns the tap on, and tries splashing water all over the flames in vain] Uh, uh, uh... [the fire spreads even more] Oh, it's spreading, oh. [runs out of the bathroom and back into the kitchen where Beru refills Carl's glass of blue milk] Uh, Carl, we should go, now!
Beru: Don't be silly, Gary. You haven't even seen the droids yet.
Gary: [lifts Carl off his seat] Oh, that's okay. I don't think they're the droids we're looking for. [starts pushing Carl out of the room]
Carl: Uh-uh, all right, all right, Gary.
Owen: [entering the shot with a bag of groceries] Hi, Beru. [wipes the sweat off his forehead] Ooh, it's hot out there.
Beru: [as smoke can be seen pouring out of the house] Owen, these young men are here to see the droids you bought yesterday.
Owen: [sniffs] Uh, is something burning?
Gary: [runs off, pulling Gary behind him by the hand] Gotta go! Thanks for your time!
[Gary and Carl are now outside Owen and Beru's house]
Carl: Gary, what's wrong with you? It's like 165 degrees-
Gary: [points at the buring house] Look!
Beru: [from inside] Oh my god, Owen!
Owen: [from inside] Beru, what are you doing?! Call the fire department!
Beru: [from inside] My photo albums! I can't leave them!
Owen: [from inside] No, baby, no! We'll make new memories!
Gary: [looks at Carl] Run. Just run.
Carl: [starts to run] Oh, now we're running.
Gary: [stops Carl] Single file, single file! We'll blame it on the sand people!
[They tiptoed away, as Owen and Beru emerge from the house as blazing skeletons]
Owen: [as Beru screams and falls over dead] Oh, I'm burning alive!
[Luke went back to Obi-Wan and the droids at the sandcrawler after finding out that his uncle and aunt were killed by the stormtroopers]
Luke: [feeling sad] Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru...they're dead. Just like those Jawas.
Obi-Wan: Oh, the Jawas weren't dead. They were just stunned. There's nothing you could have done, Luke. Had you been there, you would have been killed, too, and the droids would now be in the hands of the Empire. But look on the bright side.
Luke: The bright Side?
Obi-Wan: Yes, I'd say this makes you the proud owner of one kick-ass Sandcrawler!
Luke: Holy crap! Yeah!
[As the Star Wars theme plays, Luke and Obi-Wan drives the sandcrawler for the joyride, and jumps high with excited smiles on their faces, à la Dukes of Hazzard and Ferris Bueller's Day Off. The dewback looks up and was surprised to see the sandcrawler way up high. And as the sandcrawler lands, the Star Wars theme stops playing and Yakety Sax starts playing. The sandcrawler ran over the Krayt Dragon, killing it in the process]
Luke: Boo-yah!
Obi-Wan: Look out! Filthy Sand People.
[Tusken Raider runs away from the sandcrawler]
Luke: [driving around the Sarlacc Pit] Hot dog! Hot dog! Hey, try digesting this donut!
Obi-Wan: Oh, I'm old, remember?
[They reached the cliff where another sandcrawler is on the other side of the cliff]
Luke: I can make it!
Obi-Wan: No, Luke! t's too dangerous!
Luke: [doing the big jump] Yee-haw!
[As two sandcrawlers performed a big jump, facing each other, the video is paused]
Palpatine: [narrating] Looks like Luke and old Ben bit off a mite more than they could chew. Right? "Dukes of Hazzard"? [sighs] You know what? There's no need to drag this out. The pay-off's pretty weak. So, um, let's see. Trying to find the "pause" button here. [the video resumes playing as both sandcrawlers landed safely on the ground near the cliffs] Whole thing was just a bull-crap camera-angle trick. Sorry to string you along like that. Tell you what, we'll take a break, come back fresh.
Prisoner: [in one of the detention levels] Arrested for stealing Imperial bread to feed my starving grandchildren. How can they execute me for that? [then hearing Luke and Leia from another detention level]
Princess Leia: [from another detention level] Aren't you a little short for a Stormtrooper?
Luke: [from another detention level] I'm Luke Skywalker. I'm here to rescue you.
Prisoner: [puts on his hat, but hears that the blaster sounds died down, and takes off his hat] They'll be back. I'll just Wait.
[The TIE fighter pilots are watching Friday the 13th at the movie theater]
Teenage Girl: [in the movie] I'll totally check the basement.
TIE Fighter Pilot: Oh, no! Don't you go in there, girl! [high-fives with another pilot]
[We see the mailman ringing the doorbell, and Boba Fett comes out in his bathrobe]
Mailman: Uh, Mr. Feet? Mr. Bob A. Feet?
Boba Fett: [beat; shrugs] Sure. Whatever.
Prisoner: [hearing the lasers blasting] It sounds like the rebels are attacking! They came back for me! [puts on his top hat]
Han Solo: [from outside] All right, kid, now let's blow this thing and go home!
Prisoner: [hearing the rumbling noise] What was that, now?
[Then the Death Star blew up]
Darth Vader: [spins around and screams as the Death Star Explodes] Uh-Oh! [spins around and screams again] Aw crap! I am in trouble. [sees the quarter] Ooh, there's that quarter I dropped earlier, ugh! This is gonna drive me [bleep]ing bananas. Gotcha! Ooh, missed it. Gotcha! Ugh! Missed it. I have you now! [accidentally pressed the club soda dispenser button; groans] Ugh! The club soda dispenser, aw hell! They told me it was a bad idea, and I didn't listen then I choked him with magic. Oh man, oh, this is - this is nauseating. I think I have some dramamine in my shaving kit. Nope, that's hotel soap- [the soap falls out] Whoops! Well, that's what I get, I never use that hotel soap, but I steal it every time.
[Vader spins around, cuts to Gary the Stormtrooper in tie fighter]
Gary: Aw, I know I should help him, but I can't look away.
[Vader spins around and gets dizzy]
Rebel: [trying to fix the satellite] I'll see YOU in Hell!
Technician: [appears] Did you say something?
Rebel: What? No. No, uh, I was just...No.
[Han Solo uses Luke's lightsaber to cut his tauntaun Maurice's stomach for Luke to stay warm. Then the dying Maurice sees the ghost of Obi-Tauntaun approaching him]
Obi-Tauntaun: Maurice, you must go to the...Oh, looks like I missed my window here.
[At the bar]
Boba Fett: The guy who sold it to me was like ya know it flies like this, only that doesn't seem exactly right, but you know what? Pretty damn comfortable...
Dengar: Do I do okay on hors devours? Everyone got enough to eat?
IG-88: [enters with the silver IG droid] Hi, guys! I brought my cousin THX-1138! Hope that's cool.
[THX's signature Deep Note plays causing the whole bar to rumble and glass sounds are heard]
Dengar: I don't wanna be a jack, but your cousin's gotta get the [bleep] outta here.
Han Solo: [knocking on the door] You know, I've never met another Wookiee, Chewie, so it'll be great to finally meet your family. [then he sees Chewie's Wookie family wearing normal clothes] You mean to tell me you've been naked all these years.
[Chewbacca growls "I love you." while walking closer to give Han a hug]
[On Dagobah, Yoda in seen sitting while Luke Skywalker is standing]
Luke: What's in the cave?
Yoda: Only what you take with you. [Luke then grabs his belt] Your weapons, you will not need them. [Luke rolls his eyes, puts it on the belt and walks into the cave] Stutter, did I? Hmm? [sighs] No use, there is. Do what Luke will do, Luke will do. [then hears screaming and lightsabers fighting in the cave] Oh [bleep]. [then runs up to Luke and a decapitated Darth Vader] Oh, no, no, killed him, you did?!
Luke: I, uh, though it was Darth Vader.
Yoda: Just some dude it was! The reason I said "No Weapons", this is!!
Luke: In my defense, you phrase that more as a suggestion.
Yoda: Think you would straight cut his head off, I did not!
Luke: [looking at the body] He kinda looks like me.
Yoda: YES KIND OF LOOK LIKE, HE DID!!! Jump out and scare you, he would, and reveal his face to you, he would, and BLOWN YOUR MIND, WOULD BE!!!
Luke: What was the point?
Yoda: To make you think!
Luke: [realizing] Oh, like I was fighting myself or something like - what?
Yoda: TO MAKE YOU THINK!!!!
Lego Princess Leia: [sarcastically] Oh, did you hear that, Chewie? He had no choice!
[Lego Chewbacca begins to strangle Lego Lando]
Lego Lando: Wait, wait, wait, wait... [his head pops out, but Chewbacca placed it backwards] I'm backwards, you idiot! [sees his butt] Oh. But look at that Caboose.
[Luke, Han, Chewie, and Lando, who's in disguise, are at the Sarlacc Pit. Luke is the first to walk the plank, and salutes a signal to R2-D2]
Weequay: [saluting] Oh, aye-aye, Captain, Durr! Odd choice, man. I guess you're under a lot of pressure at the moment, so I shouldn't judge. [aims at Luke. R2-D2 is preparing to launch Luke's lightsaber from his dome. Luke nods to R2-D2, who then launches his lightsaber, but it accidentally hits the Weequay's eye] Oh, oh, God! What the [bleep] man?! What the [bleep] just hit me in the eye? [holding Luke's lightsaber] Who's doing that? Who's shooting [bleep] at my [bleep]ing face? Oh, is this yours? Oh, I'm sorry, man. My face seemed to get in the way of your flying metal massage wand...Sorry about that.
[Meanwhile, inside the barge]
Boba Fett: [very drunk] Don't skimp on my umbrellas! You know what they say...let a smile be your umbrella. Well, my face is a big letter "T." [chuckles] I forget the point. I forgot the point. You got any more umbrellas, Ellas, Ellas? [laughs, and then sees Luke fighting off the Weequay pirates] Whoops. I got it.
Isaac: Hey, you okay to fly, man?
Boba Fett: Hey, trust me, Isaac. I drunk better when I dri-hi-hi-hive. [flies off, then comes back for his drink] Whoa, leave no child behind. [then flies off towards Luke] On Dancer, on Prancer, on Java and Blitzen. [lands on the skiff, facing Luke while being drunk] Whoa, oh. Party foul. You made me drink my spill. I mean, you made me drink my...I'm gonna shoot you. [Luke slices his gun in half and knocks his drink away with his own lightsaber] Hey! You, sir, are an asshole. [laughs] I called Jodie Foster an asshole. [launched his grappling hook around Luke] Whoa! And now, a sweet treat that's hard to beat, and I don't mean my treat meat! [launching free T-shirts with the picture of himself to the pirates and guards]
Guard: [caught one of the T-shirts] Are these hypoallergenic?
Boba Fett: Why do I have a T-shirt cannon?
Han Solo: [holding the staff] Boba Fett?!
Boba Fett: [behind Han] Present.
Han Solo: Boba Fett?!
Boba Fett: Tastes like your mama's kisses.
Han Solo: Where?! [turns around and accidentally hit Boba's jet pack with the staff]
Boba Fett: Aah! [flies around, hit the barge which causes the T-shirts to launch everywhere, and falls into the Sarlacc Pit] Hey, good lookin', I'll be back to pick you up later.
[One of the T-shirts launched into Jabba's throat, which choked him to death]
Princess Leia: [tries to strangle Jabba's neck, but finds that Jabba is already dead; surprised] Wow. I'm kind of a badass.
Luke: We're going to the Dagobah System, R2. But first, we better get some fuel.
[At the space gas station, while fueling up his X-Wing, he sees the strange space car. And when the driver gets out of the car, it was the one-armed Wampa, much to Luke's shock and horror. The Wampa takes out his wallet, pulls out his credit card with his teeth, and slides the card through the register, but it was the buzz. He tries again, still the buzz. He tries again the last time, and this time, it dings. He picks up the gas gun to hook up his car, but realizes that the gas tank is on the other side of his car. He takes out his keys, but drops it onto the ground. He tries to pick it up, but drops it onto the other ground below. He reaches his left arm for his keys, and finally got it. He got into his car, and turns it around, but another space car blocks the Wampa's spot, much to his dismay. He begins to drive away, sulking. While driving, he noticed Luke at the gas station he was at. He stares at him in surprise, recognizing him from Planet Hoth]
Boba Fett: [suddenly emerging from the Sarlacc Pit] Back from the dead, assholes! [grabs Luke and lights the lighter] How about a little fire, Scarecrow? [burns Luke's Face] Take it like a man, snowflake. [kicks Luke into the Sarlacc Pit] Hey, I guess this deal's getting worse all the time. [picks up and ignites Luke's lightsaber] Hey, Sarlacc! Here comes the fudge! [cuts the rope with Luke's lightsaber and Lando falls into the Sarlacc Pitt] Now, don't you go swimming for at least 20 minutes. [Chewbacca growls] Sit, Cujo, sit. [chops Chewie in half with Luke's lightsaber] Good dog.
Han Solo: Boba Fett!
Boba Fett: [wears Chewie's fur coat] I know, I know. I shouldn't wear fur. But I saw it, and I just had to have it. Do you hate me?
Han Solo: I can't see.
Boba Fett: Oh, right, the carbon freeze. Oh, it took your sight for a tick. Let me be your seeing-eye Fett. [grabs Han and flies off]
Han Solo: Aah! Boba, you got your money for turning me in...
Boba Fett: Oh, Shh, shh, shh. Don't spoil it, sweetheart. This one's for the love of the game.
Han Solo: What are you gonna do?!
Boba Fett: If only you could see what I hear.
Han Solo: Tauntauns?!
Boba Fett: Couple of funny facts, you're heavier than I thought, and Tauntauns never forget. [drops Han, who's head and limbs were pulled by the Tauntauns] Whoa, and I thought he smelled bad...say it with me now...on the outside! [flying around] It's beautiful! [one of the Tauntauns grabs the foot with its teeth and pulls him] Hey, hey, let me go! Let me go! No, no!
Weequay: [shakes him] Boba.
Boba Fett: [waking up] The whole thing was just a dream?
Weequay: "Yes" with an "if," "No" with a "But". We are in the pit.
Boba Fett: But I took Solo and the whiny blonde kid out, right?
Weequay: Uh, no, you didn't. [the Sarlacc growls] Well, the Sarlaac ate some more Sand People, though. You feel like Tusken food tonight?
Boba Fett: I guess.
[They began eating Tusken food]
Weequay: What was your dream about?
Boba Fett: I don't...I don't remember.
Weequay: Was it a naughty dream?
Boba Fett: Uh...
Weequay: Was I in it?
Boba Fett: [annoyed] Oh, the [bleep] Weequay?! [throws the food onto the floor and leaves]
Weequay: Yeah, you know I was in it. [continues eating Tusken food]
Luke: [hanging onto the weather vane under Cloud City] Leia, Leia hear me...
[The Millenium Falcon flies under Luke and Lando Calrissian pops out of the top hatch of the Falcon]
Lando: [gesturing with his hands for Luke to come down] I got ya!
Luke: Leia, I [stammering] I think I'm about to be mugged.
Lando: About to be WHAT?! Man, [bleep] you! [descends back into the Falcon, which then flies off] Enjoy the view, Weather Vane.
[Luke looks around in silence as the Falcon disappears]
[After the battle over the Sarlacc Pit]
Max Rebo: Come on, man! Get this mother[bleep]er off me! [gets out of the remains of the barge] Ugh! [sees everyone dead] No! Man! [bleep] man, we got a gig tonight! How we supposed to play some gig with the horn guy dead and the singer woman dead?! Man! [Bleep] man! Come on! [kicks the broken piece] Aw, no! Piano all busted up, man! Them dead, the piano all dead. Mother[bleep] man, we got a gig tonight, man! [sees the Sarlacc Pit] What the [bleep] is that thing?! Giant old [bleep]ing thing with teeth gonna eat me up, man!
Boba Fett: [from inside the Sarlacc Pt] Yo, jazz stereotype! How about tossing down a rope?!
Max Rebo: [sees the rope] Ain't no rope up here, man.
Weequay: [from inside] We're not picky!
Max Rebo: Ain't nobody up here, man. You talking to you self. You having a dream, man. [walks off] I got a gig tonight, man.
Boba Fett: [from inside] I will kill you! Don't you leave me down here with this talking Walnut!
Weequay: [from inside] You know what? That hurts me. That is one of the 10.
Boba Fett: [from inside] One of the what?
Weequay: [from inside] One of the 10? 9 times out of 10, I enjoy a good joshing, but one out of every 10...
Boba Fett: [from inside] I will pay you 10 million space dollars for a [bleep]ing rope!
Max Rebo: [stops for a bit] Aw, man. I'm so [bleep]ing tired. I got my feet hurting, man. [keeps walking] But I got to make it to the gig, man! Don't never miss no gig! [finally arrives at Jabba's Palace] I'm here, man! I made it! I walked across the desert, man! [sees the group performing without him] No! You gave the gig away, man?! That's [bleep]ed up, man! I'm 30 minutes late, man! That's jazz time, man! Sy Snootles and Droopy McCool dead in vain, man! You know what? You all suck. I'm gonna go throw myself in that desert. [leaves]
[Mon Mothma is talking about the plan to destroy the Empire]
Mon Mothma: The Emperor's made a critical error, and the time is- [stops and looks at Prune Face, who is standing by her] I'm sorry, who the hell are you?
Prune Face: Prune Face, ma'am!
Mon Mothma: [continues her speech] Anyway, the Emperor has made-
Prune Face: [gets in front of her] When the face is a prune, action goes Boom! [comes out of an explosion]
Chorus: Action and Excitement! [Prune Face dances with two girls] Slaying those of Sweet Ass! [he shoots two guards in the Death Star and kicks them] Prune Face, Prune Face! [he throws a dice into a craps table in a bar which kills three people, he knocks two guards heads together] Prune Face, Prune Face! [he drinks a Martini which blows up and kisses a girl who also blows up in a bar, he kils two guards and three people in Death Star] Prune Face, Prune Face! Prune Face, Prune Face! [he makes out with two girls] Prune Face, Prune Face! [he then lifts his eye patch showing his good eye in a bar, and blinks] Then he is out of his imagination.
Mon Mothma: [smiles] Well, then glad to have you aboard, Prune Face. You'll be a great asset to this-
Prune Face: Actually, I lied. I'm Just here to fix the Copier Machine.
Mon Mothma: [annoyed, clears her throat and gets back to her speech] The Emperor-
Prune Face: [gets in front of her again] It's your toner probably.
Chorus: Prune Face, Prune Face!
[A shot of a Star Wars: Return of the Jedi pacageing showing a Prune Face toy with a dialogue beside it saying, Prune Face Got An Action Figure Anyway]
[Admiral Ackbar appears to be taking a bath at the fountain]
Admiral Ackbar: [humming and scatting] It's a trap! [but the scene changes, and he, along with Chewbacca were actually lost in the desert. Chewbacca was drooling at him] You're thinking of eating me, aren't you? I'm thinking the same thing, mother[bleep]er!
[Gary and the scout trooper are on the forest moon of Endor. Gary is positioning himself on a speeder bike as the scout plays with his pistol]
Gary: [to the scout trooper] Are you sure this is okay?
Scout: You're in country, dude! Live a little! Now, she's pretty sensitive, so go easy on the throttle, okay?
Gary: Alright. [presses the button, and the speeder takes off extremely fast] WWWHHHHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!
Scout: [calmly] Oh, crazy kid.
Gary: [riding through the forest really fast, and enjoying it] THIS IS SO AWESOME! IT'S LIKE A DRREEAM! IT'S LIKE A DREEEEEEAM!!!!! WOOH! HA AH! YEEEAH! [sees an Ewok in front of him] BEAR! [accidently slams into the Ewok and stops. The Ewok is yelling and convulsing in pain] Uh, God. Oh man. I hit that little thing... [looks away from the wok in disgust and starts to tear up] Oh my God. Oh geez, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! This is my first ride on...Oh, God! [terrified] OH, GOD! Okay, pal, you know what? I'm gonna take care of this. [pulls out a loaded rifle] I'm gonna take care of this.
Gary: [tearing up] I'm just gonna put you out of your furry little misery, okay? [looks away and fires, but accidentally shoots the Ewok's leg off, it's eyes bulge out as it shrieks and convulses again in agony] OH, GOD! [drops the rifle and falls down in shock] OH, GOD! OH, NO! [gets back up] I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I'll fix it! No more pain, I promise! No more pain! [picks up a large stone] You're going to a better place now! [lifts it over the Ewok, but his comlink turns on]
Scout: [over comlink] Gary, where'd ya go, man?
Gary: [startled] Oooooooohhh! [drops the rock on the Ewok's stomach. The Ewok lets out a scream before going silent] Ewww!
Scout: [over comlink] Gary?
Gary: [rapidly] All good here! Be back soon! It's like a dream! Over! [hangs up and goes over to the Ewok's body] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no... [picks up the rock from the Ewok's stomach. The Ewok instantly wakes up and starts screaming again; starting to get angry] You gotta shut up, man! I know it hurts, I know! Just...Just keep it to yourself! [picks up a large bo staff from the ground] Sorry. [starts to brutally beat the Ewok to death with it. Each blow causing the Ewok to yell in guttural pain. After nine fatal blows, the Ewok finally dies and Gary is covered in blood, starting to cry] I'm so sorry... [weakly] You were so cute. [drops the staff and back away, sitting on the log, "cleaning up" his tears, and breathing heavily] Okay. Okay. Pull it together. You're okay. It's over, G. [looks up to see a large tribe of armed Ewoks has been watching him the entire time, and laughs awkwardly and nervously] What's up, yall? Ooooh, schnizzle! Me and chief-drinks-alot over here... [picks up the Ewok's mutilated corpse and pretends it's alive] we were just puttin' back a few, and- [pretends to drink a bottle of alcohol] Glug, glug, glug, glug glug! [laughs] Right? [turns to the dead Ewok] RIGHT?! [high fives the dead Ewok] Right? [hugs it, accidentally squeezing it's brain out onto a log] Riiiiggght. [pushes the brain out of sight and runs away. The Ewoks look at the dead Ewok, who falls over]
Palpatine: [to Luke] And now, Young Skywalker, you will die. [using lightning from the tip of his fingers to electrify Luke, voice over] Wow, I feel like my entire career led up to this moment. Feels good. [to Vader] I see you, buddy. Crazy. This is your son, huh? Guess you owe me one for getting you out of 20-odd years of back child support, huh?
Darth Vader: [voice over; looking at Palpatine] God, his teeth are so yellow. I guess when you look like a melted candle, flossing would just seem like pissing in the wind.
Luke: [calling out] Father!
Darth Vader: [voice over] Oh, man. Was I that whiny when I was a kid? How come no one says "Wizard" anymore?
Luke: [while getting electrified; voice over] Wow, this lightning really hurts. Like, really bad. I know it's probably not cool, but I'm thinking about playing dead. [getting electrified even more] Nope, can't do it. This is so painful, I literally cannot stop screaming. I can't lie. If the Emperor asked me to kill my dad, I'm 50/50 on saying yes. That's how bad this hurts. [getting more electrified] Meh! Looked right in the lightning. God, it's like looking into a laser pointer. It's a completely different but equally painful type of pain. Oh, I'm gonna be seeing spots for like an hour.
Darth Vader: [realizing; voice over] Hey, wait a minute. How is that my kid if this knob-job says I killed my pregnant wife? It's a madhouse! A madhouse! [moves slowly and sideways towards Palpatine]
Palpatine: [voice over; as Vader is moving closer to him] Wow, you're really looking into my soul there, buddy. [looks at him] Seriously, dude, what is it? [Vader puts his arms around him] Oh, my God, is he...Is he gonna try and kiss me?
Luke: [voice over; surprised] Is my dad gonna kiss the Emperor?
Palpatine: [shocked; voice over] Oh, my God. This is happening. Stay away from me, you idiot!
[Vader leans towards Palpatine, but Gary, still covered with blood after the previous sketch called "Speeder Accident", burst out of the elevator]
Gary: [catching his breath] Hey, listen, I don't mean to be a pain, but I'm gonna have to ask for a raise.
Palpatine: [carried in the air by Vader] What are you doing? What are you doing?!
Gary: [backing away] You guys are busy.
Palpatine: Put...Put me down!
Gary: I'll come back later. [goes back into the elevator and leaves]
Palpatine: Put me down! I- [screams as Vader throws him into the shaft]
Luke: [catching Vader to safety] Father!
Darth Vader: That was pretty wizard, wasn't it, son?
Luke: [confused] What?
Darth Vader: [triumphantly] I'm bringin' it back!
[The sketch shows the same scene when Vader lifts Palpatine up in the air near the shaft]
Palpatine: Put me down! I- [screams as Vader throws him into the shaft. The video is paused once more as Baba O'Riley plays; narrating] You know, looking back, it all makes sense. [shows the picture of Boba Fett and Han Solo from "Back From the Dead] Dream big... [shows Gary riding the speeder bike in full speed from "Speeder Accident"] Live big... [shows Vader in full triumphant from "Inner Monologues"] Love big... [back to Palpatine as the video is still paused] Fall to your death down a giant [bleep]ing hole. Now I know, which is exactly 0% of the battle, apparently. [Baba O'Riley stops playing as the video continues to play. He screams as he falls deeply into the shaft. He passed by the officer, who was having a glass of martini, startled, and throws the martini away. He kept screaming while falling] Think, Palpatine! How do they do this in the movies?! [remembers] Oh, yeah! "Point break," bitches! [goes airborne as the electric guitar plays. He does the Burt Reynolds pose] Hmm, this looks promising. [goes into the hole] Aah! [slides along, went into the different shaft, and slams into the wall before slipping back into falling]
Stormtrooper: [bathing on the beach chair in his swimming shorts, having a drink] My Lord.
Palpatine: [passing by while falling] Go [bleep] yourself!
Stormtrooper: Aw.
Palpatine: [while falling] This is the same chasm! Wait a minute. [takes out his cell phone and dials the number] Execute Order 67! [cut to the Ewoks on Endor, receiving a call from Palpatine, began dancing with digital music in the background] That doesn't sound like Order 67. No, no, wait, yes. Yes, it does. Yes, it does. I meant 68. Execute Order 68! [realizing] What am I doing, man? What am I doing? This is the end. I've got to make amends for my life. [dials the different number]
[Jar-Jar Binks, living in the mansion, is having a glass of wine when his phone rings]
Jar-Jar Binks: Oh! [picks up the receiver] Muy muy.
Palpatine: [on the phone, rapidly] Jar Jar, it's Palpatine. Look, I need to apologize for manipulating you into granting me emergency powers. It was wrong, and I'm sorry.
Jar-Jar Binks: [understanding] Oh, say yes! Right, Palpy. Yousa manipulated me. Okay, Palpy. [hangs up, laughing, revaling as a Sith Lord]
Palpatine: [as Baba O'Riley plays again one last time] Wow, that felt pretty good. Maybe that Skywalker kid was right. Okay, Palpatine, if you're gonna do this, do it. Let go of your anger. Let go of your hate. Oh, hey, there it goes. Whew, that's nice. I definitely feel a little one-ier with the force. Ooh, maybe I'll get to come back as one of those blue ghosts. You were right, Luke. You were... [getting smacked by the Millennium Falcon] MOTHER[BLEEP]S!!!!
[Lando and Nien Nunb gasped before Palpatine's robe is taken off, leaving him completely naked]
Lando: Oh, my God. You might want to try a little manscaping down there! [Nien Nunb laughs] You're like a short stack of pancakes! [presses the windshield button, trying to wipe Palpatine out of the window with one windshield]
[Then the Millennium Falcon flies out of the second Death Star undamaged while Palpatine freezes to death in space]
Palpatine: [narrating] Oh, you stuck around. Great, you didn't miss the visual treat of my frozen corpse floating naked in a vacuum. [Also Spratch Zarathustra plays] Just what Mama Palpatine dreamed for her little boy. Sorry, Ma. Anyway, if you stuck around this long, you'll probably want some final words of wisdom, so listen close. [the frozen corpse of Palpatine shows the viewers his middle finger][Bleep] you. [the second Death Star explodes behind him in slow motion]
Darth Vader: [waking up on the funeral pyre] What happened? Oh, I was hurt. I-I think I must have passed out. Did I take my mask off or something? [Luke starts putting fire on the pyre, unknowing that he's burning him alive] Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Oh! Oh, God, oh!
Princess Leia: [appears next to Luke] Do you hear screaming?
Luke: That's just the hiss of the steam escaping the logs. [leaves with Leia, leaving Vader getting burned alive]
[At the Ewok party, everyone is having a blast]
Chewbacca: [growling, and suddenly speaking] Oh! Finally! Two trilogies and I couldn't say a damn word! Now, where's that bitch that called me a walking carpet?!
[The Forces ghosts of Obi-Wan Kenobi and Yoda appears at the party]
Anakin: [appears as the Force Ghost] Aah! Aah! I'm on fire! I'm on fire!
Obi-Wan: You're not on fire.
[Luke sees his father and masters as Force ghosts and smiled at them]
Yoda: [sighs] Blows, this party does.
Obi-Wan: Look at that poor bastard, praying his friends don't see him here.
Anakin: [sighs] Let's just jet. Luke won't even notice.
Luke: [walking back to the party with Leia] Hi, guys.
Yoda: [Bleep].
Anakin: Oh, hey, yeah, hi.
Obi-Wan: Wrap it up already. We're not getting any younger. [Anakin's face is changed into the Hayden Christiensen face from the prequels] Oh, you Special Edition mother[bleep]er!
Anakin: Up yours!
Chewbacca: [to Leia] You're a walking carpet, bitch!
Yoda: Our one chance, this is.
Anakin: Sweet.
Obi-Wan: Let's do this. [disappears along with Anakin and Yoda]
Palpatine: [appears as the Force Ghost, still naked] Whazzup, whazzup?! Fourth-quarter conversion to the light side, y'all! My story's not over! We partying or what?! [he sees his censored penis] Oh, this is completely un-wizard.
[Last lines; both Boba Fett and the Weequay guard are still inside the Sarlacc Pit, and they're playing origami]
Weequay: Okay, give me a color.
Boba Fett: [bored] Pink.
Weequay: P-I-N-K. Okay, now give me a number.
Boba Fett: [still bored] Three.
Weequay: One, two, three. Okay. Ooh, you live on Naboo. You're married to a bookish brunette. Her name is Tina. And you work...
Boba Fett: Does she have big boobs?
Weequay: [sighs] It doesn't say.
Boba Fett: Ooh, make that a thing.
Weequay: I'm not making that a thing. Okay, you do me now.
[Then they heard a rumble inside the Sarlacc]
Sarlacc: Guys. Guys, it's me, the Sarlacc Pit.
Boba Fett: Uh, hi?
Sarlacc: Hi. Yeah, look. Uh, don't mean to be a prick, but you two guys have got to get the [bleep] out of here. [spits Boba Fett and the Weequay out]
Boba Fett and the Weequay: [shoots out of the Sarlacc Pit] Wh-o-o-o-oa! [crashed onto the sand]
Boba Fett: We're...We're free!
Weequay: We made it!
Boba Fett: Free!
Weequay: Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Boba Fett: Yeah!
Weequay: All right! [pause] So...now what?
[At Jabba's Palace, Boba Fett, in his underwear, does a pose from Tom Cruise in Risky Business. Then he dance to the song "Lapti Nek" that was played by the Weequay guard who's playing with the instruments]
Boba Fett: [to the camera] "Episode Siete, Boba on the Hunt"! Semicolon, "Watch Your Ass, Solo." [grabbing the camera] And for the love of all that's Holy, do not smash cut to that [bleep]ing Orangu-
