Robot Chicken (season 4)

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The following is a list of quotes from the fourth season Robot Chicken.

Help Me [4.1][edit]

Edward: Steve, you and your wife are wonderful hosts. I'm being sincere.
Steve: You know, Julie, I don't think you ever got a tour of the house.
Julie: You're right.
Steve: Well, come on.
[Steve and Julie go upstairs giggling]
Edward: More apple pie for us, huh?
Steve's wife: Oh, you. [Doorbell rings] Who could that be?
[She opens the door]
Fanfare: [singing] Trojan Man!
Trojan Man: [on horseback] Excuse me, madam, but I am needed upstairs!
Steve's wife: Steve!
[Trojan Man rides upstairs, with Edward and Steve's wife following. The following dialogue is unseen]
Fanfare: Trojan Man!
Steve: Keep it down.
Steve's wife: I knew you acted weird around Julie, you bastard!
Trojan Man: Put this on your penis.
Steve: Get off! Get off me! Get off me!
Edward: Julie, how could you?!
Julie: My clothes just fell off.
Trojan Man: Her vagina will appreciate your forethought!
Edward: Will you shut the fuck up already?! Shut up!
Steve's wife: I am leaving you!
Fanfare: Trojan Man!
Edward: Hey, watch the horse! That was my grandma's– [Crash] Oh, no, you broke it!
Trojan Man: That would never happen to a Trojan condom.
Fanfare: Trojan Man!
Edward: [crying] You said my problem didn't bother you.
Julie: It doesn't. I mean, Edward, this doesn't change anything.
Edward: It changes everything!
Trojan Man: A reservoir tip is for your semen!
Julie: I got to get out of here.
[Julie leaves the house, with Edward following her]
Edward: You're a whore! You ruined my life, you whore!
[Long pause]
Trojan Man: I guess I'd better go.
Fanfare: Trojan Man!
Steve: [as Trojan Man rides out] Yeah, why don't you just get the fuck outta here? How about that?
Fanfare: Trojan Man!
Trojan Man: [leaving a box of condoms] Just in case.
Announcer: For when you wanna fuck! Yeah!

They Took My Thumbs [4.2][edit]

Wonder Woman: You young heroes are so much more than mere sidekicks, you're the future of Justice League of America. Mentoring your progress gives me enormous amount of pride.
[steals Wonder Woman's suit and heroes gasped]
Wonder Woman: Whoa! What the fuck?!?
[Kid Flash giggles]
Wonder Woman: Give me those you little shitstain!
Flash: I am very, very disappointed in you, boy. [whispering] Super-speed high five.
[Justice League Heroes waves a good-bye for young heroes to teleport and they fell down in a volcano on another planet. Justice League Heroes gasped]
Wonder Woman: What happened?
Martian Manhunter: It wasn't me! Martian Boyhunter did it!

I'm Trapped [4.3][edit]

Man 1': Hey, who packed my chute?
Man 2: I did. Why? Don't you trust me?
Man 1: Are you gonna jump, or are we just gonna jerk each other off?
[Long pause. Cut to outside shot of the plane and the door slides shut]

In a DVD Factory [4.4][edit]

[Man shoots a werewolf with a handgun to no effect]
Werewolf: Only a silver bullet can kill me.
[Man pulls out a minigun and shoots the werewolf to a bloody pulp. He mops it into a bucket, pours gasoline on it, and sets it on fire. When he gets home, he chops the resulting ashes into lines and snorts it like cocaine, after which he violently craps it into a toilet. The crap is processed in a sewage treatment plant. Cut to three kids playing Dungeons & Dragons in a basement]
Dungeonmaster: The book says he's still not dead. It has to be a silver bullet.
Knight: That's a bunch of crap!

Tell My Mom [4.5][edit]

Spongebob: But Sandy! How can you be pregnant? You said you had a sponge in your--Oh, you meant me.

Annie: Leapin' lizards Molly! It sure is a hard knock life —
Molly [interrupting]: Actually we're very lucky Annie.
Annie: Being an orphan sure don't feel lucky.
Molly: Then try being an orphan in the Phillipines where hundreds of thousands of orphans are forced into prostitution thanks to sex tourism. In Africa, AIDS has created millions of orphans who won't live to see puberty.
Annie: Well...I sure don't like that mean ol' Miss Hannigan — !
Molly: What don't you like exactly? 3 meals a day? A warm bed? Not being HIV positive? Not perfoming fellatio on foreign business men?
Annie: [silent, taken aback]
Molly: That's what you don't like?
Annie: Uhh...I think I'm gonna go sweep over there for a while Molly.
[Annie walks to her right to where Pepper is washing clothes in a bucket.]
Annie: Gee, Pepper! Miss Hannigan sure is mean!
Pepper: Yeah! I hate that bitch!
[TIME JUMP: 6 months later]
Daddy Warbucks: We sure had a grand adventure Annie! Your quick wits and spunky can-do spirit saved us all! Is there anything my limitless power and billions of dollars can do for you?
Molly's voice: Overseas orphans! Fellatio on foreign business men! HIV and AIDS!
Annie: Hmm...nope!

[outside shot of Davey drowning in the bay, cuts to inside where Billy Joel is singing his song.]
Billy Joel: Pete is a real estate novelist.
Pete [while typing on his laptop]: Hey, that’s me!
Billy: That’s a cute way of saying “Pete’s broke.”
[Pete looks upset.]
Billy: I’ll laugh at his life while I’m humping his wife,
Pete: Sheila?!
Billy Joel: Cause Pete’s tiny shlong is a joke.
[Pete looks horrified.]
Billy: My piano, it sounds like God’s symphony! And my microphone smells like the poor.
[A man puts money in Billy's tip jar.]
They put bread in my cup and their lives all suck.
If I quit this gig, they lose all interest in living, since life would have no meaning,
And they’d blow their brains out on to the floor.
[The crowd begins to boo.]
La, da, di, da, da!
[BILLY pulls out a gun while singing and the crowd falls silent.]
La, di, di, dolly da!
Down on your knees! I'm the Piano God! Pray to the songs that I’ve sung!
Tell me I’m too good to work here! Then put my balls right on your tongue!
[The song ends with a shot of Billy smiling.]
[outside the bar, Billy counts his “earnings”.]
Billy: Great. All singles.
Pete: [offscreen in a creepy voice] Hey Joel!
[Pete comes up from behind and stabs Billy repeatedly until Billy finally falls over dead. Pete wipes his brow and sighs happily. Pete's phone rings and he answers, also happily.]
Pete's agent: Pete? This is your agent! The publishers loved your novel! Time to quit the real estate biz, brother! Oh, by the way, the hospital called, and your wife died of crotch rot. Sorry, man.
[Pete closes his phone. The shot switches to overhead as Pete looks to the sky and yells:]

[Tony Stark walks into his home, only to find Nick Fury in it]
Tony: Who the hell are you?
Nick Fury: Nick Fury, director of S.H.I.E.L.D. I've come to talk to you about the Avengers Initiative.
Tony: At my house? In the middle of the night? And who the hell are you?
[camera pans to a burglar holding what appears to be a TV]
Nick: Run, stupid!
[He and the burglar run away, knocking over Stark in the process]

P.S. Yes, In That Way [4.6][edit]

Mario: You know, Donkey Kong, at $137 a barrel, this is a tremendous a-waste. (takes a barrel) I keep it a-now.

Love, Maurice [4.7][edit]

Singer: I wanna rock! [A rock is thrown at him]

O.J. Simpson: Oh my! What did you do?!
Roger Rabbit: What did I do? We had a deal. Now, it's your turn to kill my wife.
O.J. Simpson: I can't take the life of another human being.
Roger Rabbit: P-p-p-p-please?
O.J. Simpson: No!
Roger Rabbit: But, but, but, but, but, we had a deal. See? You don't wanna see me when I'M STEAMED!!
[Roger Rabbit causes steam to come out of himself]
Roger Rabbit: Take care of my wife or it's curtains for you!
O.J. Simpson: Oh no!

O.J. Simpson: [repeated line] Don't get cut, bitch!

I Love Her [4.10][edit]

Announcer: And now back to Living Lohan.
Dina Lohan: Ali, who drank all the fucking orange juice?
Ali Lohan: I don't know mom, maybe the fucking Orange Juice Fairy did it!
Dina: Don't get smart with me!
Ali: Well, don't you be a big ranting bitch face!
Dina: Augh! Why are all these cameras always invading my privacy?
[Gyro-Robo is playing next to a sprinkler in his yard with a broom]
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Sorry, Cobra Commander, but your Weather Dominator, currently stuck on rain, apparently, is no match for the ninja skills of Snake Eyes! {Ali peers over the fence looking at Gyro-Robo} Oops, supposed to be me.
Ali: Ha, ha, ha, ha! What are you doing?
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: That is no concern of yours, civilian! Identify yourself at once! Preferably with a capable, shapeable file card.
Ali: I'm Ali Lohan. Duh! My mom and I just moved into this crappy neighborhood to shoot our TV show, called Living Lohan.
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Aren't you a little young to be smoking?
Ali: Aren't you a little fat to be fat? Knock-knock. Who's there? You love food! {Ali jumps off the fence}
Daniel's Mother: Honey, were you talking to the new neighbor? I think their dog's been pooping in our yard.
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: What? Awww, poop!
[Goes to Lindsay's kitchen]
Lindsay Lohan: Go to hell, mom! I told you! I'm not gonna be on your show! It's demeaning to my career. [makes "cut" sign to camera man] I'm gonna try that again with 10 percent more conviction. Or possibly, 1000 PERCENT!!! [doorbell rings] Who in god's green Smurf are you?
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Madame, does it look like my name is Tripwire? Because as I am not the GI Joe minesweeper, I would appreciate it if your dog didn't leave chocolate land mines all over my yard!
Lindsay: Okay, nothing you said made any sense!
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Don't let your dog go poopie!
Lindsay: Oh, OH!! {Flashback to one nighttime} Ha, ha, ha, ha! Dah, dah, dah, dum, dum! Ha, night dump! I'm just fermalizing the lawn, aah! {back to present} Bad dog! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
[At Daniel/Gyro-Robo's front lawn]
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Firebolt! Firebolt!
Terrence: Freethyro! Freethyro!
Nerd: Ork, ork, ork! I'm an ork!
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Terrence, I gotta say, I'm not buying this at all, so...
Lindsay: Beep, Beep! Honk, honk! I'm Herbie! {hits Daniel/Gyro-Robo and Terrence}
Terrence: Hey!
Lindsay: Loud horn! fuck You! Good job, Herbie!
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Excuse me! This is a parallel universe, where savagery meets sorcery! There is no Herbie.
Lindsay: Herbie is magic, idiot! {kicks nerd down} Beep beep!
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Stop it!
Lindsay: Aughh! Why are you always following me? {Cues cameraman to come closer, whispers} Follow me.
Munson: ...and in this corner, it's Munson! {steps on Terrence}
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Get out of here, Munson!
Munson: {Knocks Gyro-Robo down, then slaps him} Munson one, gay crap zero!
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Stop it, Munson! Oh, how I hate you!
Lindsay: Beep, beep!. {Looks at Munson} Oooh, a bad boy!
Munson: Oh, a damaged chick with daddy issues. {slaps Gyro-Robo} Hey baby!
Lindsay: I don't know what that is, but I hope it means penis!
[Daniel is watching Living Lohan on TV]
Lindsay: Too bad, mom. I love him, and I'm pregnant!!
Dina: Well, so am I!
Lindsay: Well, your baby's gonna have cobwebs, cause you're all old, and your notaries are all bunched up and dusty!!
Dina: Fuck You!
Ali: Why didn't anyone pick me up after my fucking ultrasound?!
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Ah, looks like I'm moving again.

We Are a Humble Factory [4.11][edit]

News Reporter: ...and to all you kids under 18 watching Robot Chicken, shame on your parents.

[A nature guide and some students are out in the open: the students are playing on their cell phones]
Nature guide: Okay, kids, who wants to learn about different types of leaves? [The students pause, then continue to play with their phones] Okay, who wants to play on your cell phones and Twitter your Facebooks? Oh, whatever. The hell,  I guess I'll smoke behind that tree. See ya.
[Everyone walks away, until only the Nerd remains, holding a piece of cardboard with pictures of leaves on it]
Nerd: But...what about the leaves? [He sees a pool of water with a sign that reads, "Spring of the Drowned Girl"] Oh, my Gosh! Just like the classic anime, Ranma Nibun no Ichi. Whoever bathes in the Spring of Drowned Girl will become an awesomely sexy lady. So the question is, do I want to be an awesomely sexy lady? Hmmm.... [He imagines what it would be like if he were... The Nerd has become a girl and examines himself]Oh, my Gosh! I've got — and I've — and this is — and these are — ohhh, they feel so good to the hand!
[The Nerd is buying a stack of comic books at a comic store]
Harry Knowles: That will be $68.50... [The Nerd flashes him] By which I mean free!
Nerd: What wonderful powers! Hee hee!
[The Nerd is seen in a dressing room, dressing up as Lara Croft, Elektra Natchios, Tifa Lockhart from Final Fantasy, and Catwoman]
Nerd: [as Lara Croft] Hmmm... any tombs you'd like to raid?
[as Elektra Natchios] The Frank Miller one, not the Jennifer Garner one.
[as Tifa Lockhart] This may be your final fantasy.
[as Catwoman] How about a look at these jewels, Batman?
[The Nerd is seen wandering through the girls' shower]
Nerd: La chee do ti do... Hello, ladies, yes, good to see you. Just another girl. Oh, gosh, these are so heavy.
Blond Girl: Oh... let us help you!
Nerd: That's good, that's good, you're really helping, girls! (Moans)
Second Girl: Hey, doesn't hot water turn Ranma into a boy again?
Blond Girl: Hey, yeah!
[The Nerd suddenly turns back into a boy and covers himself up]
Girls: Eww!
[The girls start beating up the Nerd]
Blond Girl: Gross!
Nerd: Well, it's know, skin contact. [The red-haired girl jumps on him] Whoopee!
[The scene fades back to the Nerd standing at the spring]
Nerd: Yes, I do wanna be an awesomely sexy lady! Hee hee hee! "Mammarize" me, forces of the universe! Splash, splash, splash!
[The Nerd hides as the students and the guide walk up to the spring]
Nature guide: And, tragically, this is where a young lady drowned many years ago.
Boy: Was she hot?
Nature guide: The brochure says she was 400 pounds, with a clubbed foot and chronic flatulence. So, no. Anyway, back on the bus, everybody. Move it around...
[The Nerd is shocked]
Nerd: Oh, no!
[Cut to school hallways: the Nerd has become overweight and club-footed and is wearing a "Team Awesome" shirt]
Kaitlin: Hey! You must be the new girl. My name's Kaitlin. [Before he can speak, the Nerd farts] Eww!
Nerd: Dang it.
[He farts a few more times]

Triple H: John Cena was supposed to challenge me for this championship tonight but apparently he got lost on his way here.
JR: [At the announcer table with another announcer] That is a load of bull. We saw Triple H let the air out of John Cena's tires. DAMN HIM!!!
Triple H: I guess if nobody's man enough to challenge me, I'll just take my championship belt and go home.
[Just then, a music plays and everyone cheers as Dakota Fanning walks to the ring, angrily, with her theme intro]
JR: IT'S HER! IT'S HER! Dakota Fanning is in the building and she looks pissed!
Announcer: And lets not forget the Dakota's new movie [An advertisement of the movie appears while seeing Triple H scolding Dakota] Wishmagic: The Horse Who Wrote Poems opens Friday at theaters across the country!
Dakota: [snatches the microphone from Triple H] I taught I was here to talk about Wishmagic...[whisper outside the mike]... The horse who wrote poems...But apparently some son of a bitch have to go run his mouth! [Then she starts attacking Triple H and start stomping his head to make him bleed]
JR: IT'S ON! It's on now! Triple H is in a world of....
Dakota: [Toss Triple H on top of the ringpole and going to do her finisher] Here comes a good part! [Does a finisher and crashes Triple H onto the announcer's table, breaking it in the process]
JR: THE DAKONATOR! THE DAKONATOR! This match is over if she can pin him in the ring!
[Just then, John Cena's intro is played while John Cena rushes into the ring]
JR: It's John Cena! He must want a piece of Triple H too.
[Instead, he saves Triple H and start attacking Dakota and after he locks Dakota into submission and hitting her, Triple H came back with a steel chair and start hitting Dakota's face]
JR: OH NO! It's a damn double-cross! John Cena and Triple H must have set up Dakota from the beginning! AWWW! DAMN THEM! DAMN THEM! [An advertisement about Wishmagic appears below the screen] Wishmagic: The Horse Who Wrote Poems opens Friday! DAMN THEM TO HELL!

Maurice Was Caught [4.12][edit]

Kids: “Start sharing!”
Kid: I like sharing.
Kermit: Yeah! Everybody’s sharing, that’s the way you’re supposed to do it.
Kermit: Hi, ol’ Gordo! Everybody, this is my cousin Gordon the Gecko. Gordon is a powerful executive on Wall Street. -What do you think about sharing?
Gordon the Gecko: -The rich just 1% of this country, Owns half its country wealth. $5,000,000,000,000—
Count von Count: $1,000,000,000,000! he he he, Two Trill- [Gorgo pushes The Count]
Gordon: Shut up. Greed, for lack for better word is good, greed works.
Kid: My dad says being greedy is bad.
Gordon: Your dad wouldn't know how to pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel. Is Kermit over here sharing with you, — to sit here and sing songs?!
Kermit: Ok, Gordo! It’s time to get back to the office.
Gordon: See this building behind me, first place I ever bought, flipped it and made $800,000. It was better then sex!
Kermit: Ok, who wants a share a healthy after-school snack?
Kids: I want to make 800,000 dollars! (Me too)
Gordon: First, you have to quit dressing up like 9-year old kids. Lets go buy these (Beep)ers some little suits.
Kermit: Well, I guess that lesson is brought to you by the number “Douchebag!”

Unionizing Our Labor [4.13][edit]

Don't worry, Sister Sledge, this is not your copyright-protected musical hit "We Are Family". It's something better!
All of us is airborne minidirt...
[1984 Libertarian party convention]
Candidate #1: Thank you, my Libertarian friends, for making us your nominees for president and vice president of the United States of America!
Candidate #2: 1984 is the year of the Libertarian party! We will be champions!
Candidate #1: Yes, unfortunately, the rock band Queen won't let us play their hit "We Are The Champions", but enjoy this soundalike, which we will play IN THE WHITE HOUSE!
Singer #1: [to the tune of "We Are The Champions"] We are the victors of the Glo-obe. And we'll continue doing stuff...
[1988 Libertarian party convention, the candidates have longer hair]
Candidate #1: Four years ago, I said that we would be champions... How wrong I was. Ronald Reagan soundly beat us.
Candidate #2: In fact we recieved less than one percent of one percent of the vote.
Candidate #1: But it is 1988 and the country needs to come together like a family.
Candidate #2: We are family! We are family!
Candidate #1: Don't worry, Sister Sledge, this is not your copyright-protected musical hit "We Are Family". It's something better!
Singer #2: [to the tune of "We Are Family"] We are a close-knit group! Co-workers and aquaintances!
[1992 Libertarian party convention, the candidates are noticeably older, and now have wives]
Candidate #2: Four years ago, we asked America to join our family... America said no.
Candidate #1: So we decided to make loving families of our own. Who else wants to get on board the love train?
Candidate #2: Sadly, The O-Jays wouldn't let us use their hit song "Love Train".
Candidate #1: Even though it expresses every political ideal we stand for!
Candidate #2: Next stop, the White House.
Candidate #1: Toot toot! All aboard!
Singer #3: [to the tune of "Love Train"] Citizens of the Earth (come on). Ride the Friend Choo-choo, ride the Friend Choo-choo (yeah), ride the Friend Choo-choo.
[2008 Libertarian party convention, the candidates are now old men]
Candidate #2: Well, sadly, not a single voter chose to board the friendship choo-choo. Worse, despite using the soundalike, The OJs still sued us.
Candidate #1: During the 16-year legal battle, unsavory private matters were revealed, resulting in the spectacular in-court suicide of my beautiful wife, Jennette.
Candidate #2: My wife Sarah also committed suicide, but, uh, that was unrelated to the trial.
Candidate #1: These tragedies taught us that life, like voting for a third party, are ultimately meaningless.
Candidate #2: So, in the end, all we, the Libertarian party, are is "Dust In the Wind".
Candidate #1: [stammers]
Candidate #2: I mean, all of us is airborne minidirt!
Candidate #1: Airborne minidirt, y'all!
Singer #4: [to the tune of "Dust In the Wind"] All of us is airborne minidirt...

PAPA: (Taking a dump, sigh) Gotta cut back on the smurfberries. All that fiber turns my intestines into a smurfin' log flume. Wonder who the page 3 girl is... gee, Smurfette, shocker... (Flushes toilet, the toilet starts overflowing) Uh oh, oh no, go down, go down. Oh no, OH NO, OH, OH SMURF ME UP THE SMURF!!!

(Cuts to a scene with Papa and Handy. Handy's covered in mud)

HANDY: The village septic tank is smurfed to hell!
PAPA: Well Handy, we're a communist society, so hurry up and fix it for free.
HANDY: You don't understand! The tank ruptured! The sewage has smurfed into the water table!


ALLSTAR: Ugh, Uncle Gaileo, I feel sick! Everything tastes like rotten smurfberries!
GAILEO: Our water has been contaminated, Allstar!
ALLSTAR: So, how does a test tube work underwater exactly?
GAILEO: It doesn't take a scientist to figure out those JERK ASS SMURFS are dumping CRAP in our lake again!

(Cuts to a scene with three smurfs, they see something in the sky)

SMURF 1: Are those flying fish!?
GROUCHY: I HATE flying fish!
SMURF 1: Are those flying fish stuffed with DYNAMITE!?
GROUCHY: I HATE flying fish stuffed with dy- (A fish collides with the three smurfs, it explodes, killing all three smurfs)

(More fish fall from the sky, suicide bombing the Smurf Village straight to hell)

ALLSTAR: I-I really have an ethical problem with this...
GAILEO: What? They're volunteering. (to the fish while lighting its fuse) Just remember; seventy-two fish virgins await you in Fish Heaven!

(back on the battlefield)

PAPA: TO ME MY SMURFS! IT'S WAR! WAR!!! (There's a huge explosion in the background. A smurf in some kind of shock toddles toward Papa. He can't hear a thing Papa is saying)
PAPA: You couldn't hear before! your name is "Deaf Smurf" for God's sakes!

(Just then, the snork army marches on to the battlefield from the water. Cut to a scene with Vanity and some other smurf)

VANITY: See? like Braveheart. (Other smurf smacks him across the face, knocking him out)

(Cuts to a scene with a snork opening up one of Jokey Smurf's exploding gift boxes)

SNORK: (Gasps) A present! (The box blows up in his face, killing him in the process)
ALLSTAR: EVERYONE! STOP PICKING UP THE PRESENTS!!! (Time slows down as another snork falls victim to Jokey's present bombs) NOOOOOOOOO!!!

(Nearly all the snorks were soundly defeated by the present bombs. Cut to a scene with Brainy Smurf and a bunch of other smurfs)

BRAINY: Everyone listen to me, wer'e gonna outflank them with a pinster meneuver. Then, we'll encircle them with a blitzkrieg.
SMURF 2: Oh, you don't know what your smurfin' about, Brainy!
BRAINY: Papa Smurf put me in charge. and Papa Smurf is always right. because Papa Smurf... (Sees that he's surrounded by snorks. Two seconds later, Brainy is nothing but a head and whatever remained of his body)
BRAINY: (Amazed) Hey it's true! The brain does stay alive after desmurfitation! (dies)

(Back on the battlefeild, the smurf's defenses are picking off the snorks, one by one. A red snork, gulps down a tank of gasoline and becomes a walking flamethrower, killing the smurfs.)

DAFFNEY: Stop it you stupid boys! This isn't accomplishing anything!

(One of the smurfs stop dead in his tracks)

SMURF 3: Are you a- are you a- a female!?
DAFFNEY: Well, sure I am, why?

(Two more smurfs appear on screen)

SMURF 4: We thought there was only one girl in the whole world! (Directs attention towards Smurfette) This tired, old, worn out whore over here!

(Cuts to a scene where Governor Wetworth and Papa Smurf are signing a peace treaty)

PAPA: So it's agreed, we'll stop smurfing our turds in your lake.

(Snorks all cheer)

GOVERNOR: And in return, we shall give you photos of our women.

(Smurfs all cheer and then a moments silence)

PAPA: masturbate to?
GOVERNOR: Yes, to masturbate to (Governor and Papa shake hands, the smurfs and snorks all cheer, but the smurfs are a little more overexcited than the snorks. Cut to a scene where Daffney is being paparazzied by the smurfs)
DAFFNEY: Unbelievable! Rotten, scumbag men. AAARGH!

(ROBOT CHICKEN CREDITS ROLL) (A scene where a fish is talking to Satan in hell)


(fish does just that)


President Hu Forbids It [4.14][edit]

[There are two boats in Gotham Harbor, a yeoman approaches the captain]
Yeoman: Sir, the whole boat is rigged to explode! And I found this! [displays a detonator. Meanwhile, all the passangers are in the seating area, the intercom turns on]
Joker: Greetings from the Joker. "Why so serious?" Anyway, we have a boat of civilians and a boat of prison inmates. I will blow up both boats at midnight.
Man #1: Oh, my God!
Joker: However, each boat has a detonator that will blow up the opposite boat. If one boat decides to blow up the other boat prior to midnight, I will not blow up the boat that blows up the other boat. It's quite the moral quandary, is it not?
Man #2: Then let's vote on neither boat blowing up.
GIRL: No, he said we decide.
Man #3: Then I decide that neither boat blows up!
CAPTAIN: Wait,, we vote?
Woman: No, we... we just press a button, I think.
Man #4: I don't understand. What does this prove, exactly?
Man #5: Uh, Mister Joker, sir? We came to a consensus: we vote that neither boat should blow up. [passengers agree]
Joker: That's not a choice!
Man #5: Uh..uh, you better explain it again then, I guess.
Joker: [sighs] I will blow up both the boats-
Man #1: Oh my God!
Joker: — unless, UNLESS, one boat blows up the other boat first.
Man #5: Uh, w-what are the other options?
Joker: There are no other options.
Old Lady: Ask him when both boats blow up.
CAPTAIN: Alright folks, that gives us a good 15 minutes. Everyone, into the lifeboats!
Joker: No, no lifeboats! I said that you couldn't use them.
Man #6: You never said that!
Joker: I did, way back in the beginning.
Man #5: You better go over the rules again. [the Joker is clearly exasperated]
Joker: Oh, for H- it's a catch 22! Look, there are two boats. At midnight— [Batman cuts him off by hitting him with a board.]

Due To Constraints of Time and Budget [4.15][edit]

Narrator: One day in the Concrete Jungle of Nool, an elephant named Morton played "hooky" from school.
He was chillin' on the stoop, just peacin' on the block ... When onto his trunk landed a tiny crack rock. He thought...
Morton: I could sell this, make five or six bucks!
Narrator: But then he heard a tiny voice that hollered...
Voices: What, what!

(Morton bends down close to the rock and listens.)

Narrator: Morton listened closely, and held very still. He could hear tiny voices in the town of What-Whatville.

(The camera zooms in on the rock. A tiny city is seen. Strange creatures resembling the Whos from Dr. Seuss' books are seen on a dance floor. A DJ is in the background.)

Narrator: They were having a party, with a DJ in the cut, and everybody was yelling...
What-Whatians: What, what!

(The screen cuts back to Morton.)

Narrator: Morton had a new purpose, he had a new drive: to hide the rock and keep the party alive.

(Morton decides to conceal the rock from sight. He walks to the right, and confronts a drugged-up kangaroo with blackened eyelids.)

Narrator: He walked down the street, and out of the blue, he came face to face with Crackhead Kangaroo. She was shaking and twitching, her eyelids were black. She said...
Kangaroo: (stammering) M-M-M-M-Morton, I'll s-s-suck your c-c-c-COCK for that crack!

(A strange look crosses Morton's face as he looks at the rock. He walks behind a dumpster with the kangaroo.)

Narrator: Well, sometimes an elephant just has to nut. So that was the end of the world of...
What-Whatians: What, what!

(The What-Whatians and their world are set ablaze when the rock is lit up. Everyone screams.)

Announcer: Hey, my ex-girlfriend, how do eat a Reese's Piece, buttercup?
Ex-Girlfriend: I pretend the peanut butter is your soul, and I suck it out and then I crush the remaining empty husk in my cruel, cold fist.

Beatles: We are sailing unerwater-ater-ater, all the fishes look delicious, colors, drugs, rainbows and hugs...
Old Fred: Wait! Be quiet! Something's showing up on the radar!
Paul McCartney: Maybe it's Ringo's lunch. He ate a big sandwich.
Ringo Starr: I still have sand in me mouth. (He spits out sand.)
Old Fred: Shh! Look! [An image of a submarine appears on the radar.]
John Lennon: Sandwiches are me bread and butter.
Paul McCartney: Good one, John.
Old Fred: Damn it, shut the hell up! It's a submarine from the land of the Blue Meanies! The Dreaded Blue October! I'm gonna send them a ping.

(Soundwaves come from the Yellow Submarine. They reach a blue sub with yellow lines on its side.)

(Cut to the inside of the Blue October. Two Meanies resembling Captain Marko Ramius and Jack Ryan have heard the ping.)

Meanie Captain: Was that a ping?
Meanie Lieutenant: Yes, Sir!
Meanie Captain: You know we don't say "yes" in Meanie Land.
Meanie Lieutenant: I'm so sorry, no, Sir. Should I ping them back, Sir?
Meanie Captain: No...
Meanie Lieutenant: No?
Meanie Captain: No... I said, "no"... Do you understand?
Meanie Lieutenant: No.
Meanie Captain: Ping them back.
Meanie Lieutenant: Yes, Sir! I mean, no, sir.
Love your love with love... Just love your love with love…

(The Lieutenant sends a ping back to the Yellow Submarine.)

Old Fred: They pinged us back!
Paul McCartney: I know. My ears are still pinging.
John Lennon: Hey, I have an idea. What's the most important thing in the world?
Ringo Starr: Acid.
John Lennon: After that?
Ringo Starr: Love.
John Lennon: That's right. Maybe those meanies in the Blue October don't want to declare war. Maybe they want to declare love and defect to Pepperland.
Paul McCartney: There's only one way to find out. Let's sing a song about love.
Old Fred: Oh...
Beatles: Love your love with love... Just love your love with love...
Meanie Captain: They're singing! Maybe they know we're trying to defect to Pepperland.
Meanie Lieutenant: Sir, another submarine from Meanie Land followed us! (The camera zooms up to show another sub with red lines on its side. Inside, a Meanie Officer resembling Viktor Tupolev and his lackey are shown.)
Meanie Officer: Open the glove compartment! Fire! (The enemy sub launches the Dreadful Flying Glove from its front.)
Old Fred: Another submarine fired a glove at the Blue October!
John Lennon: I know what to do. Steer our Submarine straight toward the glove.
Old Fred: You're crazy! We'll all die!
George Harrison: Who cares? We're just cartoons.
Ringo Starr: "Spull feed" ahead! [The Yellow Submarine moves toward the glove. Cut back to the inside of the enemy Meanie sub.]
Second Meanie: Should I arm the glove, sir?
Meanie Officer: Yes... Yesss! [jumps up and down] No! [The enemy sub launches a missile, which connects with the Dreadful Flying Glove.]
Ringo Starr: Oh, look, a hole. [Ringo picks up a hole and throws it upward. The armed glove is swallowed up.]
Meanie Officer: What happened? Why didn't it explode? Periscope! [The periscope is lowered, and the armed glove pops out of it.]
Meanie Officer: Ohh... fuck. [The missile goes off, and the enemy Meanie sub explodes. The Beatles and the Captain cheer on.]
Paul McCartney: Hole in one, Ringo. How did you know it would work?
Ringo Starr: I didn't. I'm on acid.
John Lennon: Way to go, Ringo. Maybe now you can sleep with the groupies first.
Ringo Starr: Really?
Paul McCartney: No.
Beatles: Love your love with love... Just love your love with love... [Everyone starts laughing, chattering, and singing.]

The Ramblings of Maurice [4.16][edit]

Graph Guy: Our cereal sales are WAY down! What do we do?!?
Internet Executive: I've got 4 words for you: Sugar, Internet, Viral, Video, and some punctuation: EXCLAMATION POINT!

{Music Begins: Download the Free MP3 (Some rights reserved under creative commons license)}

Cocoa Vampire: Oooooooooo... Chocolate Grain (Subscribe!), Bits of corn, Marshmallow, other stuff (**Breathing away from mic. Yes, vampires do breathe). Chocolate grain, 5 times more sugar than Choco Puffs. Chocolate grain, tell your parents it's what they should buy (Buy the SHIRT!). Chocolate grain, so much sugar you'll get crazy high. Chocotate grain, if you have diabetes, stay away. Chocolate grain, it's something that our lawyers made us say. Chocolate grain, the 'mount of sugar will drive you insane. Chocolate grain, 100 percent sugar, zero grain!!!
Graph Guy: Sales for Cocoa Vampire are through the roof! What else ya got?
Internet Executive: Well, for Fruit Monster, how about a video called, "Two Berries, One Cup?" I've put together a rough demo. Roll it!
Girl: Oh... (Giggling)
Executives except for Internet Executive: (vomit)

{Channel Flip}

Batman: I've followed you to this hot chocolate factory Two-face, and this time I'm bringing you down!
Two-face: Not so fast Batman! Your fate lies in a flip of this coin, heads you live, tails you die!

[Two-face flips coin, it comes up tails.]

Two-face: Huh, death!

[Batman lunges at Two-face accidentally pressing his face against the burning hot chocolate mixer.]

Two-face: AAAAHHHHH!!!
Batman: I'm sorry Harvey.
Two-face: Don't call me Harvey, call me by my new name.

[Two-face turns to reveal a second burn mark over half of his already burned face.]

Two-face: Three-face!

[Three-face pulls out a three sided die.]

Three-face: This is my three sided die, one you live, two you die, three we drink hot chocolate together.

[Three-face rolls his three sided die, it comes up a two.]

Three-face: Ohuh, looks like you're gunna three sided DIE!

[Three-face lunges at Batman, he slips trying to get out of bed.]

Batman: Watch out for that bleach!

[Three-face falls face first into a tray with various liquids on it, a bottle of bleach shatters and hits him and the bleach gets on his face.]

Three-face: AAAAHHHHH!!!

[Batman meets Three-face on top of a roof.]

Batman: Three-face I'm really sorry about the hospital.
Three-face: Call me by my real name.

[Three-face turns around to reveal a fourth burn on the good half of his face.]

Three-face: Four-face!

[Four-face pulls out four straws.]

Four-face: I'm holding four straws in my hand, if you choose the shortest one you die! If you choose the longest one you live! The other two will determine whether I throw bleach on your costume or we drink hot chocolate together.
Batman: Alright Four-face I'll play your game!

[Batman hesitates on his first try and picks a straw on his second.] [Cut to a diner where Four-face and Batman are enjoying a rather pleasent meal, Four-face is enjoying a steaming cup of hot chocolate and Batman is sampling the diner's soup.]

Four-face: Oh, OH! This is really good hot chocolate!
Batman: Hmm... The soup's not bad either.
Four-face: Oh yeah, can I try some?

[Four-face grabs for Batman's soup.] [Batman tries to stop him from taking it, fearing that the soup is too hot for Four-face.]


[The soup splashes against Four-face's face burning him on contact.]

Four-face: AAAAHHHHH!!!

Jim Henson Company Executive 1: Ah, our Dark Crystal sequel is doomed!
Executive 2: Well, it's been in development Hell for years. Now theaters don't even want it.
Executive 1: We need a brand-new take. Something that really tricks kids into thinking they want to see a movie about puppets. [Cut to the next scene, where Jen is wearing a rapper-style outfit.)
Jen: Yo, whassup, everybody? This is Lil' Jen, aka MC Gelfling! Lemme take you on a little journey! Raise up your glasses y'all, and get ready for the story of the Dark... Cris... tal! [The UrSkeks are seen drinking booze, when suddenly, one of them, driving a car, fires at them, breaking off part of the large bottle in the center. The race is split up into the UrRus and Skeksis, who go their separate ways.]
Jen: Once upon a time, in the distant land of Thura, there was a huge-ass super-sized bottle of Cristal, living under three suns, all the peoples having fun! They were clinking and drinking, Cristal for everyone, but then there was a drive-by. Oh snap! Hit the deck! It was the Skeksis in a Lexus with a tech! Bottle got wrecked, it split two different races to two different places. The Skeksis headed West with their creepy dead bird faces. The UrRus waited on the East Coast for all their help to come. They were a bunch of Mystics who like to sit around and hum... [The UrRus start humming rhythmically]
Jen: Ah, yeah. That sound good right there. In step, the prophecy, there's no stopping me! Gelfling's gonna help things, pretty soon we'll be popping C-R-I-S to the T-A-L. Full throttle, fix the bottle and break that spell! [Jen is seen rapping along with other characters from the film.]
Jen and Chorus: Whole world is ugly, no one's sipping on bubbly, wanna get busy, but without the fizzy, the ladies won't love me. I gotta save the land of Thura, I am far and mystical. Gonna wreck me some Skeksis and go get that Cristal. I went to Aughra and got that cracked up shard of Cristal. Whoo! Then I met Kira and Fizzgig, he was a little fuzzy ball.
Fizzgig: Whassup, y'all? [Jen and Kira are seen riding on Landstriders, and they encounter the Skeksis. Jen is seen leaping into the air, and places the broken shard onto the bottle. Jen is seen rapping again as the world's former glory is restored.]
Jen: Jumped on a Landstrider, rode to the castle, faced off with the Skeksis. Man, those dudes are crazy assholes! I put the cracked shard of the bottle back into the right spot! Now the East and West Coasts got back together, and this joint is fucking hot!
Jen and Chorus: Yeah, this party's a blast, Cristal's flowing fast. I'm thinking I wanna get up in Kira's ass. We're all having a ball, there won't be no last call. West and East, squash the beef! They're all drinking Cristal. More people still coming, and the Mystics still humming, they go... [The UrRus start humming rhythmically]
Jen: Yeah.
Chorus: That's the end of the Dark Cristal...
Jen: Hoes! [Cut back to the executives, who are standing in front of a portrait of Jim Henson.]
Executive 1: Well, we failed you, Jim.[The executives commit suicide by drinking poison.]
Executive 2: Aaah... Sweet... relief...[They stagger off to die.]

Can't Be Erased, So Sorry [4.17][edit]

Inmate [talking to Monopoly pieces]: Hey, man. What'chu in for?


[A costumed character known as "The Mockingbird" is sitting bound to a chair, and gets punched in the face. Another character in a bird-like costume is revealed to be interrogating the Mockingbird]
Finch: Ready to talk, Mockingbird?
[Mockingbird spits out some blood]
Mockingbird: (mocking) "Ready to talk, Mockingbird?"
Finch: Aah! I should've seen that coming! Scout, see if the coast is clear!
[A bird-costumed character wearing goggles and a speaker-phone searches, then turns toward Finch]
Scout: Coast is clear, Finch.
Finch: Good. 'Cause I'm about to kill a Mockingbird!
[Mockingbird clicks a button on a detonation device, which breaks his bindings. He then kicks Finch in the crotch, then whacks him with the chair, and kicks him a few times more]
Scout: Jem! Jem! Use your gemstones!
[A character in a red bird costume shows up. Jem fires beams from the gemstones on his wings, effectively killing Mockingbird before he can get away]
Scout, Finch, and Jem: Yeah!
[The group celebrates, then cut to a classroom. It's revealed that this was all part of a report]
Student: And... that's my book report on "How to Kill a Mockingbird" by Lee... Harper... Oswald or whoever...
Teacher: Couldn't even spring for the Cliffs Notes, huh? [The teacher whacks the student upside the head]

Please Do Not Notify Our Contractors [4.18][edit]

Cop: You realize when I pulled you over, you were doing 87 miles an hour?
Marty: Yeah, I know. Believe me, I know.

Especially the Animal Keith Crofford! [4.19][edit]

Bumblelion: I love being a Wuzzle! We get to be two animals at once! Take me — I'm a bumblebee and a lion!
Eleroo: And I'm an elephant and a kangaroo.
Butterbear: You know what grosses me out, Bumblelion? How'd your parents get together? [Cuts to a lion and a bumblebee.]
Lion: OW! What the hell!? You think you can just sting me, you little bumblebee? Wow, you're a cute little bumblebee. Oh, you little cutie, come here. [The lion turns around to have sex with the bumblebee.]
Lion: Oh, yeah! Owch! Ahh, owch! Sting me in the hole! Owch, sting me in the hole! Owch, sting me in the hole! Owch!

[Goes back to the three Wuzzles.]

Bumblelion: UGH! I don't wanna think about THAT anymore. What about you. Eleroo?

[Goes to a kangaroo and an elephant about to have sex.]

Elephant: Now, this might hurt a little.

[In a sex position, the elephant crushes the kangaroo, who screams. Afterwards we return to the Wuzzles.]

Eleroo: EW! How about you, Donkeyhuman? [The camera moves to reveal Donkeyhuman.]
Donkeyhuman: (brays) As far as I know...
Other 3 Wuzzles [interrupting Donkeyhuman]: *all at once* Actually I don't wanna know. Yeah, I'm not interested. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean it. I'm good.

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