Robot Chicken

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This is what happens to your brain on heroin. … Any questions?

Robot Chicken is a series on Adult Swim that uses stop motion animation to make small sketches based on current events, or ad-libbed situations based off of pop culture.


Season 1[edit]

Tacos rule.

Sweet J. Presents (Pilot) [1.0][edit]

Junk in the Trunk [1.1][edit]

Say the line, Earl, or you'll get the gas.
George Bush: My name is George W. Bush and I approve this message. [Cut to a picture of a taco] Tacos rule.

Rachael Leigh Cook: [holds up an egg] This is your brain... [holds up a frying pan] and this is heroin. This is what happens to your brain on heroin. [sets down egg, and smashes it with the pan, holds up pan with egg dripping down] And this is what your body goes through. But it's not over yet. [smashes dishes] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR GRADES! TO YOUR FRIENDS! [smashes cat] TO ALL YOUR STUFF! [smashes TV screen] WHAT HAPPENS TO THE PROFITS OF YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S BAKE SALE! [smashes an old lady; runs outside] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO WORLD ECONOMY! [smashes trash can; kicks a nearby mail box before smashing it] AND YOUR BOYFRIEND GIVES YOU HERPES SIMPLEX A!! AND YOU END UP GETTING A STUPID TATTOO OF A UNICORN! [begins smashing a van a bunch of times setting off it's car alarm] ON YOUR LEFT BUTT-CHEEK THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A FIREBIRD, BUT YOU WERE TOO STRUNG OUT TO NOTICE AT THE TIME! [runs away, and home runs a puppy; police surround her]
Police Man: We just wanna help! [gets his face smashed, all the cops jump Rachael]
Rachael Leigh Cook: [smashes all the police men away] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO FAMILY VALUES! [on a building ledge] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO THE POLLEN COUNT!!! [smashes the buildings wall] Any questions? [people look at her with confused expressions] ANY QUESTIONS?!?!? [smashes herself off the building, likely to her death]

Host: Here's a rare blooper from that smash-hit cartoon, "Pokémon"!
Pikachu: Pikachu! Pika pika, pika pi!
Squirtle: Squirtle Squirtle! Squirtle Squirtle!
Pikachu: Pika pika, Pikachu! Pika pika!
Squirtle: Squirtle Squirtle! Squirt — What the heck am I saying?! No I mean it! This script makes no sense at all!
Pikachu: Say the line Earl, or you'll get the gas.
Squirtle: For the love of Christ kids, go read a book or something!

Nutcracker Sweet [1.2][edit]

Girl: This is me, and this is Stalin. [draws love heart] We're married.

Gold Dust Gasoline [1.3][edit]

Giraffe: So, you told them the wrong time on purpose?
Noah: Yep, God hates freaks.
Giraffe: That doesn't sound like God.
Noah: "That doesn't blah-blah-blah!"
Giraffe: Well, then, why did you let the pixie fairies on board?
Noah: [shocked] I DID?! [grabs a mallet, heads downstairs, and attempts to kill them] Get back here, you little dust tosser! [whacks three times]

Speed Racer: [not making any movement] It's important that I do not move, because if I were to move, that would add to the cost, so if I stay perfectly still, that will be preferable to moving, because animation costs money, uh-huh.

Plastic Buffet [1.4][edit]

Harrison Ford: I'd like to meet the team of engineers who'll accompany me on my mission to space.
NASA Guy Actually, the remaining five spots on the flight will be filled by Aerosmith. We need a cool theme song for this mission.
Steven Tyler: I'm ready to roooock! [vomits]
Harrison Ford: My God! Did you just get off the centerfuge trainer?!
Steven Tyler: No, I just shot smack into both my eyeballs! Yeeahhoo!
[cut to a live action man]
Live Action Man: That's terrible! Steven Tyler has been clean for years! I have to write an angry letter. [changing to lispy voice] Dear assfaces...

Sean O'Keefe: [after the spaceshuttle crashes on the meteor] Fuck!!!
George W. Bush: Fuck!!!
Live Action Man: Now THAT sucks donkey dong. [the meteor destroys the Earth]

Toyz in the Hood [1.5][edit]

[Presidential Report Blooper starts]
Reporter 1: This just in: CNN calls the state of Florida for Al Gore! That means Gore has won the Presidential Election. Thank you, Jesus!
Reporter 2: Sure dodged that bullet.
[Blooper ends]
Bloopers Host: Oops.

Vegetable Fun Fest [1.6][edit]

Charlie Brown: Meet the kite-eating tree, you ugly son of a gun!

Charlie Brown: This is different from the time we got lost in France, or when we almost drowned during the great river raft race. I fear just having a positive attitude with strong Christian overtones won't save us this time.
Marcie: Hold me, sir. [she and Peppermint Patty start French-kissing]
Charlie Brown: I said "strong Christian overtones"!

Lucy: Just kick the ball, you block-head!
Charlie Brown: But every time I try, you just take the ball away.
Lucy: This time I won't! Come on already!
Charlie Brown: [to himself] Maybe this time she means it. I'm really gonna do it! I'm gonna kick the football! This is it! [kicks Lucy] That's for years of humiliation, Lucy!

A Piece of the Action [1.7][edit]

[at the cracks of Mount Doom]
Vince Neil: Back to the fires that forged you, evil trinket! [edge breaks, plummets] Aahh! Arrgh!!
[Corey Feldman jumps down, grab Vince's hand, grapple hooks the cliff and stops their fall]
Vince: Corey! You saved me, bro.
Corey: You can burn in hell, I just want the ring. [drops down]
Vince: Corey, no! ["SPLAT!!" sound] Aw, bro!
Corey: Um friends, remember me fondly... in Stand By Me.. and in The Lost Boys.. only the fist half. [sunken down] A-a-and Friday the 13th was pretty gooh....

The Deep End [1.8][edit]

Aquaman: Listen, uh, I don't mean to be nitpicky or anything, but, um, the living room hasn't been vacuumed in weeks and...
Superman: Hey, Waterman, I was busy, you know...realigning the planet, or something.
Aquaman: But you drew vacuuming out of the job jar and everyone else...
Superman: Face it. Who's gonna save the Earth from a giant meteor while Superman's vacuuming? You? I don't think so.
Aquaman: I could. Hey!

S&M Present [1.9][edit]

Badunkadunk [1.10][edit]

Alien 1: Dammit, dammit, dammit! Years of planning, ruined!
Alien 2: How were we gonna take over the world with a white Michael Jackson, anyway?
Alien 1: Dammit, dammit, dammit!

Toy Meets Girl [1.11][edit]

Destro: Everyone just sort of lost interest. I think as you get older, ruling the world just seems like too much trouble.
She-Ra: Am I done yet?
Moore: You'll know, She-Ra, you'll know.

Midnight Snack [1.12][edit]

Dog: But the DNA evidence matched 13 out of 13 tests. The defendant is clearly guilty.
Jack: ...Uh, you're a dog, OK? So let's go over this again.

Judge: Jack Backett, you are charged with double homicide. How do you plead?
Jack: Not guilty, your honor.
Jury Foreman: This is gonna be fun! Yee-haw!
[Dog busts into the courtroom with a gun]
Guy in the courtroom: Oh my God! He's got a gun!
Dog: Nobody listened to me before! Jack must die! [Starts shooting everyone in the courtroom.]
Narrator: Tune in next time when every dog has its day.

Atta Toy [1.13][edit]

Papa Smurf and Brainy are in Vanity's house, investigating the latter's murder, in a parody of Seven.
Papa Smurf: One thing's for certain, Brainy. Vanity Smurf died the way he lived.
Brainy: Bicurious?

[Brainy Smurf enters Smurfette's house, when all of a sudden, he sees Jokey holding a box.]
Jokey: Oh, Brainy. Hi, Brainy!
Brainy: Oh, no, Jokey! Your sick sense of humor, your total disregard for smurf safety, your Se7en movie trading card collection. You're the killer!
Jokey: I got you a present!
Brainy: What's in the box, Jokey, what's in the box!?
Jokey: It's a surprise!
[Brainy opens the box.]
Brainy: Nooo!!! Oh, Smurfette, noooo!!! [The box explodes.]
Jokey: Hahaha! Surpriiiiiise!!! Mwahahahaha!!!
Brainy: What the hell is wrong with you?

Homer Simpson: Morning Apu, one order of Freedom Fries, please?
Apu: Oh, for the love of my heathen God. They're called french fries, you fat, stupid American!
Guy: Department Of Homeland Security, don't move!
Apu: What?!
[The Department Of Homeland Security guys point their guns at Apu, then shows The Simpsons family at a barbeque.]
Simpsons: Happy birthday America!
Marge Simpson: I hope Apu has learned his lesson.
[Scene then changes to a naked Apu chained to the neck by Lynndie England in a detention prison]
Apu: I am so sorry I ever dared question the wisdom and strength of the United States of America.
Lynndie England: Damn straight! Yee-ha!

Joint Point [1.14][edit]

Queen Beryl: Soon I will have your life force, Sailor Moon, and my plan to rule the earth will come to fruition! [Notices her erection.] Oh...anime sure is weird!

Nightmare Generator [1.16][edit]

[The A-Team are about to take off in a helicopter.]
B.A.: I ain't flyin', Hannibal! No way, no how!
Hannibal: That sounds perfectly reasonable B.A., now calm down and have some nice milk.
B.A.: [drinks glass of milk] Mmm, milk, Good for the bones, good for the kids. I pity the fool who ain't got no calcium in his diet!
[Murdock drops a huge TV on B.A.]
Faceman: Murdock, we drugged the milk! You didn't have to hit him over the head!
[Next scene, aboard the helicopter]
Murdock: Hey, you know years of drugged milk can lead to severe side effects like Severe lactose intolerance.
[The unconscious B.A. begins farting up a storm]
Faceman: Damn it, the windows won't roll down!
Hannibal: This is gonna be a long flight...

Operation: Rich In Spirit [1.17][edit]

Daphne: Gosh, Freddy, are we really going to go all the way?
Fred: If one more person says something about my ascot, I'll — damn, it's fashionable!

Fred: I suggest we split up. Shaggy and Scooby, you check the campground. Velma, you check the woods. Daphne and I will check out the bunkhouse and have some of that nice mating until you get back.
Phyllis Diller: Mate? You? With her? But with that dickey, you couldn't even bag an old bag like me! [laughs]
Fred: [slaps her] It's an ascot, you old whore! An ascot!
Phyllis Diller: [punches Fred] Well, your "ascot" laid out by this old whore, dickey.

The Sack/Adultizzle Swizzle [1.18][edit]

Stix the Rabbit: Ooh! Stix cereal! I gotta have some!
Boy & Girl: Silly rabbit, Stix are for kids!
Stix the Rabbit: Just give me a little!
Girl: He touched me inappropriately!
[Stix gets sent to jail. In Jail, Stix rabbit meets Cookie Criminal]
Cookie Criminal: Couldn't lay off the sugar right?
Stix the Rabbit: [crying] But I can't help myself. My mother ate sugar when she was pregnant with me!
Cookie Criminal: You wanna control the sugar? Stop using and start selling. Here, hook this guy up when you're out.
Officer: Rabbit, you're out.
Stix the Rabbit: Really? But its only been an hour!
Officer: You in Alabama foo', an hour's all you get for touchin' a child
[Cut to a scene there a Gudie and Stix Rabbit going around in the jungle]
Toucan Sam: Selling's a dangerous business rabbit! Had to kill the Fruit Brute, Yummy Mummy, even the Cinnamonkey!
Toucan Sam: Well, just follow my snout. It's never in doubt.
Jungle Guide: (whispers to Stix) A snout that big, it should know more than Einstein. Heh! Heh!
[All the refugees around Toucan Sam shoot the guide rapidly. We then see a few chiefs made Sugar]
Stix the Rabbit: [referring to the cocaine] Wow! Do you have any idea how rich am I going to be selling this cocaine...SUGAR! [realized and telling the audience] I meant to say 'SUGAR'! Okay! (long pause) There!
[After Stix the rabbit uses sugar to get money wee see children eats suger instead for chocolate, a Bee is used as leverantor. The Stix Rabbit and the Leprechaun are sitting naked in the spa.]
Leprechaun: I tell ya, the bleeding boys were following me around, and one little brasser says, "We're after your charms." And so I says, "Forget about me blue diamonds, and worry about me blue balls, ya whore!" Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Stix the Rabbit: Ha, ha, ha. Oh, yeah. I never have any idea what you're saying.
[Stix Rabbit's assistant steps into the scene.]
Assistant: (Whispering in Rabbit's ear) Bad news, boss: the Rice Boys are talking to the cops.
Stix the Rabbit: (standing up with his censored tube out) Men are always talking!
[Scene cuts to the Rice Boys sitting down and talking to the police officer in a dark room.]
Crackle: Okay, okay, I'll crack!
Snap: I'll crinkle!
Pop: I'll plop!
Crackle: The Stix Rabbit made us sell the stuff!
Officer: Uh...we only brought you in 'cuz someone turned in your wallet.
[Officer holds up wallet. All the Rice Boys look nervous.]
Pop: Heh...Must-must've lost it.
[Scene Cuts to Tony the Tiger and Capitan Crunch shooting the police]
Tony The Tiger: Use the hollow-point bullets. They're G-r-r-r-roovy!
Capn' Crunch: Their bones will stay crunchy even when it's soaked in blood! Ha ha!
[Then the cops first kill the two assistants, then Captain Crunch, Then the police kill Tony the Tiger, who is falling down]
Stix the Rabbit: Don´t Shoot! I give up!
Policeman 1: He is giving up! Shoot him!
[Policemen start shooting on him, and Stix Rabbit is soon in heaven]
Stix the Rabbit: (Sees a Box of Stix Cereal) Yes! Finally!
[An Angel appears and says]
Angel: Silly rabbit, Stix are for kids!
Stix Rabbit: Noooooooooo!

That Hurts Me [1.19][edit]

In case you were wondering, the answer was The Da Vinci Code.
Devil: [to three guys in lava pool] That'll teach you to vote for Nader! [All of the sudden, hell freezes over] What the hell?!
[In a bedroom...]
Nerd (in a singsong voice): I got laid! I got laid! I got laid!
Hot girl: What can I say? Nerds are hot.
Nerd (still singing): Gettin' on a message board, gonna tell the internet! Laid! Laid! Laid! L-a-y-e-d! Laid! Laid! Laid! Laid! [hangs from the ceiling] Laid! Laid! Laid! Laid!
Hot girl:: Mmm, hot.

Freddy Kreuger: Fighting boredom is the hardest part of living in the Big Brother house. [Jason Voorhes playing charades, mimes TV, a robot, and a chicken] In case you were wondering, the answer was The Da Vinci Code.

The Black Cherry [1.20][edit]

Britney Spears: You can have my black cherry Justin. ..... ow, my butt!

Robot Chicken Christmas Special [1.21][edit]

Gohan: Dad, could you kick an angel's butt?
Goku: You're dang right I could.
Gohan: Is that Santa on the roof?
Goku: Well if not, I got a present for him. [racks handgun slide, Santa falls hard out of the chimney]
Gohan: Santa, Santa!
Santa: Oh! My hurting knee, Oh, dang! Gosh! Dog scrotum! Get it out of Heaven that hurts like a person!
Gohan: Dad, what's a scrotum?
Goku: Uh... er... heh. So, uh Santa, what happened?
Santa: Bandits, Goku; they stole my reindeer, and all the presents... and my pants!

Reindeers: [After seeing Goku and Gohan's Kamehameha, killing two reindeers, making like a path] Holy guacamole!!!!
Composite Santa: [Composite Santa is vertically cut in half by the Kamehameha blast] Temperatures over 32 degrees farenheit... my only weakness! [Composite Santa dies]

Season 2[edit]

Suck It [2.1][edit]

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. [everyone drops their stones, Jesus then hits the prisoner with his stone] Blammo!

Federated Resources [2.2][edit]

Jerk: [ as J.K. Rowling is going through trash, looking for food, Manchester, England 1989] J.K. Rowling.
J.K. Rowling: Cor blimey! Are you an angel?
Jerk: I am from the future. In fifteen years time, you will be a best selling children's book author, whose net worth is more than one billion american dollars!
J.K. Rowling: I had an idea about a boy wizard.
Jerk: No! Your books will be about uh-a magical racoon with an afro. His name is Squiggles and he shoots pixie dust out of his bunghole!
J.K Rowling: Thank you, I'll start right away!
Jerk: Haha [ placard: "Dicks with Time Machines"]

Guy: It's Moses, he's back!
Moses: God has blessed me with ten irrefutable commandments for living.
Guy: Is there anything on there about not pushing your religion on other people?
Moses: …No.
Guy: Didn't think so.
Moses: Number one: he who smelt it, dealt it. [Everyone laughs.] Wha? What's so funny? Stop it. Stop laughing! [The time-travelling jerk is sitting behind him holding a hammer and chisel.]

Easter Basket [2.3][edit]

Barney the Dinosaur: I love you. You love me.
Girl: But I'm not in love with you.

Fred: Eh Barney-boy, this is the life!
Barney: You said it, Fred! An entire civilization not wearin' underwear! Y'gotta love it!
Fred: [Door knocks] Now who could that be? [Barney laughs]
Delivery Man: Hi, I'm Mr. Rock from FedEx Stone. I got a delivery for Fred Flintstone from AmazonBoulder.Com-Pebble. [sighs] Look, sometimes, the rock puns don't fit too well, buddy. Do you want the package or not?
Fred: [reads a letter that came with the package] "Dear Fred, I hope this distracted you long enough. Signed, Barney. P.S. I invented paper. Bitchin'!" [looks over to Barney who tries to sneak out with a box of Fruity Pebbles] Barney! My pebbles!

Barney the Dinosaur: (now in a street at night standing next to a female smoker) I love you, you love me.
Smoker: Either way, it's 50 bucks.

Celebrity Rocket [2.4][edit]

Man: [fleeing a vampire in his car, he turns to look in his mirror and because he cannot see the vampire's reflection thinks he's fallen off] Ahh, must have lost him. [brakes hard causing the vampire to run into the back of the car and collapse to the ground] You know, while I'm out, I might as well get some milk.[throws the car in reverse running over the vampire's face, not crushing it] Wait a second, I have milk at home. [Speeds forward, the tire peels skin off the vampires face and drags the corpse behind the car] La la la, gonna have some milk! La la la....

Dragon Nuts [2.5][edit]

Boy: [With pants down, holding a laptop computer.] I was only halfway done! Halfway done!
Announcer: There has been a breakout in Boston in which a virus wipes out and deletes all the porn out there; and here is President Bush to address this issue...
President Bush: And I, the president of the United States have only one thing to say to you guys: Come on, man, it's not funny. Give us back our porn!

1987 [2.6][edit]

Palpatine: Ha ha ha ha, so I threw the senate at him. The whole senate! True story!
Mas Amedda: Oh my God, that is so funny!
Sim Aloo: You made it [Milk from the carton in his hand] come out of my nose!
Palpatine: [His phone rings] Go for papa Palpatine.
Operator: You have a collect call from - [Vader's voice] Darth Vader.
Palpatine: [Sighs.] Oh, I-I gotta take this, hold on. Vader! How's my favorite Sith? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, just, slow down. Huh? What do you mean they blew up the Death Star? Fuck! OH, FUCK! FUCK! FUUUCK! Who's they?! What the heck is an "Aluminum Falcon"?! [Sighs.] Okay, okay, s-so who's left? Are you fucking me?! Well where are you? Wait a sec, you've been flying around for two weeks trying to get a signal? Oh, you must smell like...feet wrapped in leathery...burnt...bacon. [Holds phone back as if Vader's yelling] Oh, oh, oh, I'm, I'm sorry I thought my Dark Lord of the Sith could protect a small thermal exhaust port that's only two meters wide! That thing wasn't even fully paid off yet! Do you have — do you have any idea what this is gonna do to my credit? [Phone rings.] Ah, hang on, I've got another call. [Switches line.] What?! I'm very busy right now! Oh. Oh, we-well where're they going? Oh. Alright, um, just get me a turkey club. Uh, cole slaw, I guess. I-I'm not even gonna eat it. W-w-what're you getting? No, see, I-I always order the wrong thing. No, no, no, I'll just stick with that. Okay, bye — wait, what? Oh, a Cherry Coke. Thanks. [Switches back to Vader.] Sorry about that. [Sighs.] What? Oh-oh, "just rebuild it"? Oh, re-real fucking original. And who's gonna give me a loan, jackhole, you? Y-you got an ATM on that torso Lite-Brite? Now get your seven-foot-two asthmatic ass back here or I'm gonna tell everyone what a whiny bitch you were about "Padamamay" or "Panda Bear" or whatever the heck her name was! Oh geez, he's crying! Ha, ha...hey, hey, hey, hey, c'mon. C'mon, don't do that. Just, just, look, ah, y'know, I'm dealing with a lot of stuff right now. Eh, Death Star blown up by a bunch of fucking teenagers, y'know? I didn't mean to snap. [makes jacking off gesture] Oh, oh, j-just get back here. Okay, okay, bye. I-I-yeh-I...I love you too. [Note: Also appears on Robot Chicken: Star Wars]

Cracked China [2.7][edit]

Voices: Braaains... braiiins...
Man:Are you radioactive zombie mutants, or survivors, thanking the only thing that's kept you alive?
Voices: [after a pause] Zombies.
Man: Okay.
Voices: Didn't feel right to lie to you.

E.T.'s Mom: He said he would phone me but he hasn't phoned. He knows how I worry.

Rodigitti [2.8][edit]

Elmer Phudd: I'm takin' you to school, call me the professor
You're confused, 'cause you a cross-dresser.
You like to kiss men, that's real funny.
Call up Hugh Hefner, you a gay-boy bunny.
You're lost on this stage. You need a map jerky.
You made a wrong left turn on Albuquerque.
I'm a pimp because my hunting apparel's hot son.
It was wiped by on your ho with my double barrel shotgun. [shoots at B Rabbit with his double barrel shotgun]
Daffy Duck: Now hold on a second, man! It's not rabbit hunting season yet! See! [[Pints at the sign that says "Wabbit Season (Not Yet)"] Okay! [Gives the mic to B Rabbit] Your turn, B Rabbit!
B Rabbit: Yeah, yeah. I know that you call me wascawwy wabbit.
Say your R's like W's that's a really bad habit.
It's room, not woom. Trees, not twees.
You replace so many R's, I thought you was Chinese.
You're so stuck on yourself, I'll call you Elmer's glue.
I got you some coffee, one lump or two?
Elmer Phudd: Two?
[B Rabbit hits him on the head twice with a mallet]
B Rabbit: I only dress like a girl, just to prove that you're gay.
Would you like a kiss handsome?
Elmer Phudd: Really? OK!
B Rabbit: Elmer packs "fudd". You heard what I said.
He's so bald, I'll put a "hare" on his head. [B Rabbit sits on Phudd's head]
I'll sit down on your head. Just like I was a thinker. Hmm.
[He farts while sitting down on his head] Ain't I a stinker?

Massage Chair [2.9][edit]

Doctor: Mr. President, your vitals seem to be all right, there is however one thing thought, your midichlorian count is extremely high.
Bush: Does that mean I'm one of them- whata call 'em- Jedis? [thinks then uses the force to pull down the doctors pants] Heheheheheheh.
[scene change to Bush and his wife in bed]
Laura Bush: Oh not tonight, I'm tired honey.
Bush: [mind trick] You're not tired, you wanna have a threesome.
Laura Bush: [eyes widen] I'm not tired, I want to have a threesome.
Bush: [picks up telephone] Get me Condi! Heheheheh.
[scene change to a parking lot at McDonalds; Bush is about to park when Bill Clinton takes his spot]
Clinton: Awww, sorry W, Big Mac attack! Yeeeeeeeheeeew! [Bush is angry and uses the force to drop Clinton and his car in a nearby lake] Hey, what the dilly?
Bush: Heheheheheheh!
[scene change to George Bush using lightsaber to carve the words "W wuz hear" into the Lincoln Memorial] Heheh, saber beats rock.
[statue lifts up revealing Abraham Lincoln]
Bush: What the hell?
Lincoln: Who dares disturb my slumber?
Bush: Who dares question my...daring...of...his dare?...Jerk!
Lincoln: It is I...I who freed the slaves...I who-
Bush: Boring! Let's fight! [Lincoln draws a lightsaber and they begin the fight, Bush corners Lincoln]
Lincoln: If you strike me down, I shall become — [Bush raises his saber for the kill] No, wait a minute, lemme finish — [gets sliced and dies like Obi-Wan Kenobi in A New Hope'] Agghhh!
Bush: That'll teach you, George Washington!
[scene change to Cloud City where Darth Vader tells Luke Skywalker he is his father]
Bush: Jenna, get over here right now! I am your father!
Jenna: [on the thing Luke was on] That's not true! That's impossible! My real father would let me go clubbing as late as I want! [flips him off]
Bush: Why you little — [slices off her middle finger]
Jenna: Owwww!
Bush: No baby, I'm sorry!
Jenna: [she falls] Arrggghh, [distant] you suck!
Bush: Nooooooooooo —
[scene change to Bush asleep on his desk; he wakes up]
Bush: Wa- Was it all just a dream?
Senator: [rushes in] Mr. President, we still haven't found any weapons of mass destruction!
Bush: [tries to do a mind trick] You have found weapons of mass destruction.
Senator: Uhh...hi. We haven't.
Bush: [tries again] You have.
Senator: [sighs] Uh, I don't know what you're doing.
Bush: [still waving his hand] Bring me a taco.
Senator: Yes sir. [runs out of the office]
Bush: Heheheh, tacos rule.

Password: Swordfish [2.10][edit]

Harry What are we going to do?
Hermione: Let’s ask Hagrid for help.
Harry: Don’t be ridiculous, Hermione. We need to confront the terrible horror ourselves and potentially end up hospitalized, like always.

Adoptions an Option [2.11][edit]

[Waving goodbye to Elliot.]
E.T.: Be good.
Elliot: Good-goodbye E.T.
E.T.: E.T. home.
Alien #1: Oh my God! Look everyone, that retard we ditched on Earth somehow found his way home!
E.T.: E.T. phoned home.
Alien #2: What the hell are you calling yourself "E.T." for, spaz? Your name is Kleeborp. Kleeborp the retard!
Alien #3: Yeah, Kleeborp the retard with only one glowing finger.
Aliens #1, #2, #3: Ha, Ha! [shows all glowing fingers]
E.T.: [gives them his glowing middle finger]
Alien #1: Oh, now you're fucking dead. [Aliens grab E.T.]
E.T.: [Screams like a girl]
Alien #1: And next time, stay lost, loser!!!
E.T.: [Looks at Xenomorph from Alien] Friend.

Metal Militia [2.12][edit]

Gene Okerlund: And Hitler takes a flaming chair to the spine in what will surely go down in history as one of Wrestlemania's greatest moments! Sergeant Schultz do you have any comment?
Sergeant Schultz: I know NOTHING!
Bomb-Diffusing Robot: This is some serious bullshit.

Veggies for Sloth [2.13][edit]

Alien #1: Oh dear, our fleets are being destroyed!
Alien #2: Will help ever arrive? [Buck Rogers comes in]
Buck Rogers: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Did someone call for a hero?
Alien #1: Oh, thank goodness! Fuck Rogers is finally here!
Buck Rogers: What.. did you just call me?
Alien #1: Fuck!
Alien #2: Fuck Rogers!
Buck Rogers: [goes near Alien #1:] My name is Buck. Buck Rogers.
Alien #3: The Robots are through the south defenses! Fuck Rogers, we need your help immediately!
Buck Rogers: [annoyed groaning]
Alien #1: It's Buck!
Buck Rogers: My name is Buck, not Fuck! What's with you aliens?!
Alien #4: Fuck!
Buck Rogers: It's Buck! Damn what the — it's Buck! Buck! Buck! BUCK!
Alien #4: What are you talking about?! I've been shot! Fuck, it hurts! [dies]
Alien #5: Welcome, Fuck!
Alien #1: [as Buck gets annoyed:] It's Buck!
Buck Rogers: THAT DOES IT!! [gets gun out and starts shooting at the aliens]
Aliens: [getting shot:] Fuck, Motherfucker!
Buck Rogers: Fuck you!
Alien #3: Wait! Wait! [gets shot]
Buck Rogers: Fuck you! Fuck you and you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

[Wipe fade to Wilma Deering and Twikky having a conversation]

Wilma: You really told all the aliens that Buck's name was Fuck? [chuckles]
Twikky: Bidi-Bidi-Bidi, I was attempting human comedy.

Sausage Fest [2.14][edit]

[A giraffe is sinking in quicksand, struggling to get out.]
Giraffe: Uh-oh.
["Stage One: Denial"]
Giraffe: It's no big deal. It's probably not even quicksand. I'm gonna have a good laugh about this tonight with the guys. [Laughs nervously.]
["Stage Two: Anger"]
Giraffe: Well, this is just fucking perfect!! Stupid quicksand! Stupid jungle! Ah! I wanna bite someone in the face! Motherfucker!!!!! Motherfucker!!!!!! Motherfuck!!!!!!! Ahh! Fuck!!! That stupid jungle! Uhh!! Fuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!!!
["Stage Three: Bargaining"]
Giraffe: Are you there, God? It's me, Giraffe. Li-listen if you could just give me a mulligan on this quicksand thing, I promise, I promise, no more peeing on your shorter creatures. [Laughs nervously.] We got a deal?
["Stage Four: Depression"]
Giraffe: [Screams and cries.] MOMMY!!
["Stage Five: Acceptance"]
Giraffe: You know somethin'? I'm cool with this. I-I bet, I bet heaven has all the tender leaves I can eat and everyone gets their own Slurpee machine. Yeah! Take me sweet death! I await your loving embrace! [The sinking stops.] What? I think I hit the bottom. [The giraffe struggles with no avail.] Fuck...

Cyclops: Look sharp Team!
Professor Xavier: Remember my X-Men, use extreme caution. This is the most dangerous mission yet!
Cyclops: Right Professor! [the Sentinel they are fighting blasts them with its lasers and then stomps them into oblivion]
Professor Xavier: Welcome recruits, although we had to lower our standards thanks to the shortage of actual mutants, the danger you're facing will be no less real! You'll be defending a world that hates and fears you!
Larvell Jones: What?! Hate and fear us, because we're mutants?
Professor Xavier: No, because you were in the Police Academy movies.
Professor Xavier: [passes by the group, as Larvell makes squeaking noises] The hell's wrong with this chair? And it seems it's missing someone.
Carey Mahoney: [crashes in with a jet] Sorry I'm late!

Drippy Pony [2.15][edit]

Detective: Hey ar-are you Deepthroat?
Rimjob: Hmm? Oh no I-I'm Rimjob, you want Level B2.

The Munnery [2.16][edit]

Captain James T. Kirk: [on the USS Enterprise Scotty arrives at the bridge in USS Enterprise] Report, Mr. Scott.
Scotty: Captain, somebody traded all of the dilithium crystals for pornographic holograms!
James T. Kirk: And?
Scotty: With no power, all life support on the ship is about to fail.
James T. Kirk: And?
Scotty: Our only hope is to beam down to the nearest planet, but there is only enough power to send five people. I can't do no more!
Mr. Spock: Captain, logic dictates that each of the 433 crew members.
Lt. Uhura: Hey! Where did Kirk go? [camera scene changes to the same bridge scene without James Kirk] Oh, no. He didn't.

Day at the Circus [2.17][edit]

Snow Job: Hey guys, going on a mission? Can I come?
Flint: Sorry Snow Job, this mission doesn't require ski's.
Gung-Ho: Wearin' a blindingly white outfit in the middle of jungle warfare makes you a very shootable target, man!
Snow Job: Bunch of G.I. Jerks!

Lust for Puppets [2.18][edit]

Calvin: Native Americans would be more plentiful if they hadn't traded their land for casinos!
Hobbes: Well, cowboys never even existed! They're just a masculine image campaign purported by Marlboro!
Calvin's Dad: I think something's wrong with our son.

Donkey Punch [2.19][edit]

Recording Producer: Okay, lets take it from the top.
Alvin and the Chipmunks: [singing in comically deep "terrible" voices] Christmas, Christmas time is here
Time for nuts and time for beer
David Seville: [Still hearing their "terrible" voices] Aw, they're just so terrible! They've eaten me out of house and home! They've got to go!
[David throws a canister of deadly helium into the recording booth, which causes the Chipmunks' voices to become extremely high and much better.]
Alvin and the Chipmunks: Christmas, Christmas, poop-de-poop
Don't buy me a hula hoop
David: They're fantastic!
Recording Producer: This could sell thousands of albums.
David: [noticing that the Chipmunks have collapsed from inhaling too much helium] Oh right... the deadly helium.

Book of Corrine [2.20][edit]

Santa Claus: [pulls over in his sleigh next to three girls] Ho, ho, ho!

Season 3[edit]

Werewolf vs. Unicorn [3.01][edit]

[The final scene of season 2 plays, with everyone being killed by Matthew Senreich, including Seth Green - cut to a graveyeard, where we see all the characters tomestones, and stops at Seth's. A zombie hand pushes from the dirt]
Mike Lazzo: Ratings are through the roof, bitches. We're fixin' to renew, y'all.
Matthew: That's what the fuck I'm talking about!
Keith Crofford: But at what cost?
Mike: You say something Keith?
Keith: No, no I didn't say anything. [Seth, as a zombie, smashes through window and starts to eat Keith's brains] Arrrgghh!!!!!!
Mike: Gravy cornbread!
Matthew: Holy fucking ass-crackers!
[Mike and Matthew run towards the elevator]
Mike: Oh, fuck!
Matthew: (repeately pushing the elevator button) Come on, come on, coommee oonnn...
[Seth, writers and characters break through walls and ceiling, after Matthew and Mike]
Mike: Dang it! What do we do now?
Matthew: I've got an idea! [pushes Mike into the zombies]
Mike: Aw, you rattlesnake!! [eaten by zombies]
Matthew: [jumps in elevator] Yes! [Matthew exit the elevator, approaches a locked door; tried to open but still locked] No!
[the zombies wait patiently and quietly in the elevator]
Matthew: Noo!!! [Seth and other zombies exit the elveator; Matthew picks up his cell phone, reading the message WOW] Wow! Oh, wait. Oh, it's just Mom.
[the zombies dance to the ringtone, resembling the dance from Michael Jackson's Thriller. Suddenly the ringtone stops.]
Matthew: No!!!! [the zombies stop dancing and are going to eat Matthew's brain] Look at the new contract! We get health benefits! Oh God, please don't eat my brains!
[Seth grabs the contract and discussing with the other zombies about health benefits. Cut to the writers lounge]
Mike Fasolo: [sighs] Smells like wet garbage in here.
Matthew: Yo, what do you guys want for lunch today?
Seth (zombie]: Brains!
Doug (zombie]: Brains!
Mike: Subway.
Tom (zombie]: Brains.
Matthew: Brains it is.
Mike: Oh, I hate brains.

Squaw Bury Shortcake [3.02][edit]

Godzilla: So why are you here?
Godzilla Jr.: I want to destroy cities and rid the streets of weaponry.
Godzilla: Yeah, but, why are you really here?
Godzilla Jr.: I wanna be king of the monsters.
Godzilla: There you go. Now, if you stick with me, you'll make it, but, uh, you gotta unlearn that bullshit that they teach ya in Monster Island now, cuz that shit gonna get ya killed out here.
Godzilla Jr.: I'll do anything you want me to do.
Godzilla: [laughs] My lizard. Now how's your Japanese?
Godzilla Jr.: Not that good.
Godzilla: Well, you learn that shit then, brother, cos that shit gonna get ya killed. These motherfuckers out there be plottin' all types of shit on ya.
Godzilla: Hey yo, Mazinger! You got my stuff?
Mazinger: Yo, what you need, Zilla? Check it out, I got rocket firing hands; I got rockets for your shoulders and legs, man, my shit is tight!
Godzilla: Oh, yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about. But anyway... [roars, shoots a beam at Mazinger, killing him]
Godzilla Jr.: What did you do!?
Godzilla: Justifiable homicide on the line of duty.
Godzilla Jr.: No, that was murder!
Godzilla: Open your eyes, son.
Godzilla Jr.: That man was your friend, and you killed him like a fly!
Godzilla: Why is he my friend, huh? Because he knows my name? Mazinger sold guns and rockets; the world is a better place without him anyway. Now get your ass in the car.
Godzilla Jr.: No way, man. I'm getting reassigned.
Godzilla: Well, you do that! You tell them what I did; I don't give a damn, cuz I got news for ya: King Kong ain't got shit on me! [King Kong appears behind him and throws feces at Godzilla]

Tapping a Hero [3.04][edit]

Old Woman: Help! I've fallen and I can't get up! [long pause] I said, I've fallen —
MedicAlert employee: MedicAlert at you service!
Old Woman: Oh, thank goodness. You see, I've fallen and I can't get... [employee tiptoes to the lounge] Uh... mister? Sir? [employee steals television] With my things, you're... [steals her handbag] What are you doi — ?

Shoe [3.05][edit]

Ted Kennedy: [gripping Arnold Schwarzenegger over a bridge] Remember when I said I'd kill you last?
Arnold Schwarzenegger: No! I don't recall — Oh! You were quoting a line from my movie.
Ted Kennedy: I lied!
Arnold Schwarzenegger: I know how it goes! [dropped off bridge] You suck! [dies]

Endless Breadsticks [3.06][edit]

Pound Puppies: If you don't buy us, we get killed!

More Blood, More Chocolate [3.08][edit]

Bob the Builder: Why, someone left this job half-done. Can we fix it?
Scoop, Muck, Dizzy, Roley: Yes, we can!
Union Guy: [surrounded by two goons] Ain't nobody finishing nothing.
Bob the Builder: I'm sorry, who are you?
Union Guy: We're from the union, and we say you don't have the right equipment for this job.
Bob the Builder: We have all the equipment we need.
Union Guy: Really? You got a talking briefcase full of hundred-dollar bills over there?
Bob the Builder: No, but... [Goons push and pound Bob between them and Union Guy kicks him in the balls]
Spud: Can I play too?
Union Guy: Sure, asshole. [He rips off Spud's nose] Hope you like smelling what you ate.
[Pilchard the cat pounces on the Union Guy. Bob uses his drill on a goon's face. Spud grabs a shovel and beats the goons with it.]
Bob the Builder: Spud! Don't forget to wear your safety goggles.
Spud: Aw, thanks, Bob.
[He resumes beating the goon as the Union Guy runs away]
Roley: Woo, rock and roll! [Steamrolls over the Union Guy]
Bob the Builder: Now dig these motherfuckers a grave, Scoop.
Scoop: [digging a hole] No prob, Bob!
[Muck loads the dead Union Guy and goons into the hole, Scoop pushes them in, and Dizzy pours cement on top]
All: Yay!
Spud: [screwing his nose back on] Ew, New Jersey smells like bad tuna. Can we go home?
All: Yes, we can! Yay!

Moesha Poppins [3.10][edit]

News anchor: In tonight's news, you can find the words; night, tight, tits, tots, stew, whino, ghost, and the name Tony if you spell it with an i.

Ban on the Fun [3.11][edit]

Scientist: [announcing Pluto's downgrade from planet status] Also, A is no longer a vowel, north no longer a direction... and your sister, no longer A VIRGIN!!

Losin' the Wobble [3.12][edit]

Barfly: You know, like the rest of the world, soccer is called "football". [Two police officials attack the barfly] Hey! Hey — Ow! Ow! What's goin' on? Why are you touching — ?
Announcer: Hello, there. What you've just seen was a dramatization of the new Asshole laws enacted by Congress, which going to effect January 1st. It's now a federal offense to point out that soccer is actually called football.
Nerd: Uh, in fact, no Star Trek episode contains the words, "Beam me up, Scotty." Agh! Ow, ow, my arm! My — argh! Ow! Ow-how! [It's the law, asshole!]
Civilian: You know, Iceland is actually green, and Greenland is actually icy. Argh! Agh, agh-ha! Oh, help me, help me, help, me, help! [It's the law, asshole!]
Worker: Heroes is way better, because it actually answers stuff. On Lost, they don't even know what they're doing. Oof! What are you doing? No, wait! Ooh, ugh, ooh, agh, oof, ugh! [It's the law, asshole!]

Slaughterhouse on the Prairie [3.13][edit]

[A massive rain storm is falling on the Smurf Village]
Army Corps of Engineers Smurf: Papa Smurf Papa Smurf it's smurfing like a mothersmurfer. What if the dam breaks?
Papa Smurf: This is exactly why I'm Papa Smurf and you're just...uhhh...uh...uh which smurf are you?
Army Corps of Engineers Smurf: Oh I'm Army Corp of Engineer Smurf.
Papa Smurf: That Dam was smurfed by the finest construction crew the forest has to offer.
[Cuts to several beavers. One has it's head stuck in a bucket, one is hiting it's head against a tree and one is humping another beaver. Suddenly the crappy wooden dam, just a few logs piled haphazardly across the river, breaks.]
Grandpa Smurf: I did't evacuate when them chipmonks went rabid, and that was bad. Sure as hell ain't evacuating for a little rain. :[Flood water then crushes him. Smurf village is shown flooded, with Smurf bodies floating in the water.]
Anderson Copper: "Destruction. Devestation. A community in ruins. How did it come to this? Why did the dam fail?"
[News footage shows bodies, two smurfs holding up a sign that says "Smurf Fema" before a hawk swoops in and grabs one of them and a smurf looting a T.V from an appliance store. Cuts to Gargamel's home, who is watching Anderson Copper on TV.]
Gargamel: I've spent my entire adult life trying to find the smurf village. How did Anderson (bleep)ing Copper find it in less than a day?
Anderson Copper: And where is the king during the greatest crisis the forest has ever known?
Brainy Smurf: Papa Smurf says that the king doesn't care about blue people and Papa Smurf is always right because Papa Smurf... [Begins to look around surprised] Papa Smurf?
Anderson Copper": What is it Brainy?
Brainy Smurf: Usually the other smurfs kick me out of the village when I start talking too much, but... there are no smurfs left!
[Brainy starts crying. Gargamel is scooping up dead smurfs in a fishing net.]
Gargamel: Ha Ha Ha! This is the best day of my life! RaHe He Heee!. [Gargamel is cutting up smurf bodies, putting them in blenders and pulling out a bowl of smurfs from the oven. Cut to Gargamel is at the dinner table]
Gargamel: Triumph at last hahhaha. [Takes a bite of the smurf meal and immediately has a disgusted look on his face. He then takes the plate of smurfs over to the garbage can throws them away. He picks up the phone and makes a call, depressed.] Hello it's Gargamel, yes the usual. Oh with fried rice please! For one. [Hangs up phone and sighs.]

Robot Chicken's Half-Assed Christmas Special [3.14][edit]

[On the ice pond, everyone is skating. Snoopy tosses Linus into a tree, a la A Charlie Brown Christmas.]
Franklin: Oh no! We’re late for Christmas play rehearsal!
Frieda: Don’t worry. Charlie Brown’s in charge. We can just ignore him and dance repetitively.
Kid: I love dancing repetitively!
[All kids leave. Linus is left under the tree until nightfall when a unknown person (we are looking from their POV) approaches him. Linus wakes up and finds that he is tied to a bed by his blanket. Sally is by his side.]
Sally: Linus! You’re awake!
Linus: Uhhhh, why am I tied up?
Sally: Because you’re going to write me the love letter I always wanted!
Linus: Love letter? I need to go to a hospital!
Sally: I always wanted to be a nurse! They have such pretty white shoes! (leaves)
Linus: Things look bad for ol' Linus.
[Outside of Snoopy’s dog house]
Charlie Brown: Snoopy, have you seen Linus? He was supposed to walk me to chemo… Can you help me find him?
[Snoopy nods, jumps behind the dog house and reemerges as Batman with Woodstock as Robin. A montage ensues with Snoopy and Woodstock parodying the Batman & Robin TV show introduction. Back in reality, Snoopy is seen on top of his dog house punching air.]
Charlie Brown: *sigh* Good grief.
Sally: I made snowflake soup! I know how much you like catching snowflakes on your tongue.
Linus: So basically you made me a bowl of hot water? [Doorbell rings. Sally runs to answer the door, but accidentally tosses the bowl of hot water on Linus’ lap.] Ahhhh!
[Front door. Sally opens the door and finds Snoopy as Batman standing on the step, but mistakes him for…]
Sally: Val Kilmer? [Snoopy shakes his head no.] Heeeey, you’re my brother’s dog! [Snoopy points to the tree where Sally snatched up Linus, and follows the tracks that lead up to the doorstep.] I shoulda known you’d figure it out. You’re always so snoopy. Oh heeeey! Snoopy! That’s your name! It all makes sense now!
[Sally and Snoopy laugh for a second, until Sally brutally beats Snoopy with a shovel and drags him inside. Sally dumps Snoopy’s dead body down into the cellar, a la Misery. In Linus’ room, he is writing on paper with a seemingly free hand.]
Linus: Oh my God! They just murdered Val Kilmer!
Sally: Where’s my love letter, Sweet Babboo? [picks up and reads the letter] This isn’t a love letter! It’s a cry for help! Did you think I’d let you mail it?!
Linus: But Sally, it’s Christmas!
Sally: You’re right! I almost forgot! [brings in a spikey old Christmas tree, very similar to the one from A Charlie Brown Christmas, and places it between Linus’ ankles.] Does this tree look sturdy enough?
Linus: Uhhh, f-for what? [Sally takes a hammer and breaks Linus’ ankle on the tree, a la Misery.] SCHUUUUUUUULZ!!!
[Later, Linus has his ankles wrapped in gauze and he finishes the "love letter."]
Linus: *sigh* It’s done.
Sally: Really?! Can I read it? [reading the letter:] "Dear Sally, see the words on this page? Please keep your eyes on them so you don’t notice the thing I’m about to do." [as Sally is reading the letter, Linus unties himself and prepares to strangle Sally.] Wow! I’m hu-
[Linus comes from behind and begins to strangle Sally as she gasps for air, each time Linus tightening the blanket’s hold on her throat.]
Linus: (as Sally begins to lose consciousness) Shhh, shhh. It’s almost over. Shhh.
[Sally loses consciousness. Linus releases his grip and lets her fall to the floor. Charlie Brown enters.]
Charlie Brown: Linus! Thank goodness! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!
Charlie Brown: Good grief! I can’t do anything right! Even my sister’s a psycho!
Linus: I never thought she was that bad. She wasn’t that bad at all, really. Maybe she just needed a little love. [Sally regains consciousness, gasping for air, but Linus smashes a lamp over her head, killing her.] By the way, Val Kilmer’s dead.

Tubba-Bubba's Now Hubba-Hubba [3.15][edit]

Pac-Angle: Hello Pac-Man. What if I told you that everything you know is a lie. Your just a part of a computer program.
Pac-Man: What are you talking about?
Pac-Angle: Eat the red pellet & you will go further down the rabbit hole.
[Pac-Man eats the pellet & in a spoof of The Matrix Pac-Man gets shot by Pinky & Inky & dies. The screen reads "Game Over"]

Boo Cocky [3.16][edit]

Orderly: Hey, what's on the menu today?
Chef: I thought the inmates would enjoy a nice change of pace. Broccoli, baked beans, coffee ice cream, and Red Bull.
Orderly: Oh, my God.
[After dinner, the inmates are rioting, beating themselves with trays, drawing on the walls, and farting incessantly. Switches to TiVo listing, with the following dialogue unseen]
Gary: I think I've had enough of that show. Delete!
["Delete? Are you sure you want to delete: Robot Chicken: "Boo Cocky?" Yes No"]
Enrique: [highlights "No" and selects. Goes up and down the queue throughout] Hey, what are you doing?
Gary: I don't want Robot Chicken on the DVR.
Enrique: No, I love Robot Chicken.
Gary: It's all farting and retards.
Enrique: Well, I like it.
Gary: Tough titties.
Enrique: Ass! We split the cable bill.
Gary: TV doesn't have to be stupid...
Enrique: I want...
Gary: [cont'd] can be challenging, even brainy...
Enrique: [cocks his shotgun] Oh, yeah? You want something brainy on the TV?! [Gunshot! Blood splatters on the screen, and the queue stops] There! Ha ha ha! Oh, man. I ain't going to prison. [Another gunshot! More blood splattered.]
Friend: [sound of opening door] Oh, my God! Gary! Enrique! I better call 911! [Dials] But I might as well watch a little Robot Chicken while I wait for the cops. [Selects "Boo Cocky" and watches. Scene goes back to the rioting, farting inmates.]

Bionic Cow [3.17][edit]

Marv: (narrating) I flossed and brushed my teeth again. They say, "Only floss the ones you wanna keep"; I always liked that joke. Then I swished around some mouthwash; kills gingivitis. Damn gingivitis. Leading cause of gum disease. Saw an old lady tryin' to cross the street. Grandma couldn't have been less than 90-years-old; probably seen a lot over those years; lots of stories to tell and a family that loves her.
Marv: Let me help you out, granny. Stop the cars to make sure granny could cross, I'm walkin' here! I loved that line.
Marv: Then I saw some pussy that made my heart stop. Pussy was caught up in the tree; little kid cryin' for it. Poor kid, probably not old enough to tie his shoes in his damn kitten's life is in my hands.
Marv: Here you go, buddy.
Marv: Tipped the barista $5 for my soylatte. These latte's are good; good enough to kill for, but I never do that. Killing is bad, unless you're killing gingivitis.

Monstourage [3.18][edit]

[The sketch opens to Doc's workshop Doc is with Sprocket (his pet dog), and they have an exterminator investigating Fraggle Rock]
Doc: Well, my dog is always barking at that hole. So I figured there must be something down there.
Exterminator: Rats, snakes. Could be any number of reasons to overbill you, but I've got something that'll fix the problem.
[He throws something that looks like a flashlight or lantern down the hole]
Doc: Will that kill them all?
Exterminator: No, this is so I'll know where to throw this! [throws a grenade down the hole, ducks and covers Doc and himself]
Fraggles: [singing] Happy, happy day, Fraggles say it's a happy day, Happy, happy day, Nothing can go wrong...
[The grenade falls down into Fraggle Rock and explodes]
[The place starts to collapse]
Gobo: Holy crap! We gotta get outta here! RUN!!!
[The place continues to collapse, with only Mokey, Gobo, Wembley, Red, Boober, and three nameless Fraggles making it out in time]
Gobo: Oh, this is bad!
Mokey: What are we going to do? We have no home.
Gobo: Hey, hey! Uncle "Traveling" Matt's been sending me postcards from the outer world for years. With their guidance, I'll find us a new Fraggle Rock.
Wembley: WAIT! STOP!!
Gobo: What's wrong, Wembley?
Wembley: I see a terrible thing coming! Fire and death! There's blood everywhere! Something very bad is coming!
Gobo: You got to work on the "pre" part of prechification, douchebag. [kicks Wembley in the crotch] IN YOUR BALLS!
Mokey: [kicks him in the crotch] Take that!
Red: Yeah, kick the BALLS!
Boober: There you go.
Wembley: I now have a vagina.
[the Fraggles stop at a road; a vehicle zooms by]
Red: What was that?
Gobo: Uncle Matt says they're called, "Beep-Beep-Outta-the-Way-Assholes"! But they're harmless.
Driver: [beep beep] Out of the way, asshole!
[The Fraggles start crossing the road; all the vehicles try to dodge them]
Driver: Out of the way asshole!
[Two of the vehicles crash, setting a Green Fraggle; he screams as he burns to death]
Wembley: D-d-d-d-...death.
Gobo: [slaps Wembley] You should've warned us! I'm sure our troubles are all in the past.
[The Fraggles are being chased across the water by Sprocket]
Gobo: Hurry, it's right behind us!
[Sprocket catches one of the Fraggles and hurts him]
Purple Fraggle: Hey guys please kill me...kill me, please.
[The other Fragglesbeat him to death]
Gobo: Hang in there! We're almost done!
[They arrive at a farm]
Boober: I can't go on! Just leave me!
Mokey: We need food Gobo, we're starving.
Fraggle: I smell radishes!
[The Fraggle leaves and a strange noise is heard; the other Fraggles go behind the barn and find him being killed in a trap next to a radish patch.]
Gobo: He was right, look at all the radishes!
Fraggles: YAY!
Gobo: Eat up! There is plenty enough for everybody! [shoves a radish into the dying Fraggle's mouth to feed him as he rolls over dead]
[The Fraggles find their new home]
Gobo: We did it everyone! Now it's time to start repopulating!
Fraggles: YAY!
Wembley: Wait! I'm getting another vision! I see... I see... THAT I'M GONNA GET MY FREAK ON!!!
[Oil floods the home and the Fraggles are killed]

President Evil [3.19][edit]

Danny Ocean: I'm Danny Ocean, and for this caper, we're gonna need more than 11, 12 or 13 guys. So, team one, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Don Cheadle, Carl Reiner, Elliott Gould, Scott Caan, Shaobo Qin, Eddie Jemison, Andy Garcia, Leonardo DiCaprio, Bruce Willis, Vin Diesel, William Shatner, Topher Grace, Christopher Walken, Justin Timberlake, Antonio Banderas, Samuel L. Jackson, Kurtwood Smith, Bruce Campbell, Jackie Chan and "Weird Al" Yankovic, you start a fight at the bar. Then team two, Sylvester Stallone, Erik Estrada, David Letterman, Vince Vaughn, Leonard Nimoy, Vladmir Putin, Frankenstein, my niece Susie, Koko the Gorilla, panda with a monocle, Peter Pan, John Denver's corpse, a mime, Sherlax the Devourer of Worlds and Ryan Seacrest, you'll slip in the back. Any questions?
Teams 1 and 2: No!
Danny Ocean: Then let's do this.

Chirlaxx [3.20][edit]

Sir Mix-a-Lot: [to tune of "Baby Got Back
This table's long, but it should be round
King Arthur can't hear a sound
When a knight tries to talk
That brother's gotta walk
'bout half a freakin' block to be heard
Can't hear a word
'cause this table is so absurd
Us knights got much to discuss
But this table's ridiculous
Balki: Don't be ridiculous
Sir Mix-a-Lot: Belvedere can't hear
"Yo, can you pass me some beer?!"
Sir Belvedere: Say what?!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: It's twenty feet by eighty
Can't even flirt with ladies
Better have long arms when you're havin' a meal
If you're trying to cop a feel
We need a new proportion
To bring our kingdom fortune
I got an idea that might work for ya
I'm-a make this mother circular
Sir Galahad!
Sir Galahad: Yeah!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: Percival!
Sir Percival: Yeah!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: You wanna hear the others talk?
Knights: Hell yeah!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: Bring it in, sit it down
It's like King Arthur's crown
Table be round! Table be round.
Now with this circulation
We can have nice conversation
Verizon guy: Can you hear me now?
Sir Percival: I can hear!
Sir Galahad: Holy cow!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: Make every knight say...
Everybody: WOW!
King Arthur: Now you know that we cannot fail when we're looking for the Holy Grail
Sir Mix-a-Lot: 360 on the parameter
You know hos like diameter
Knight: Bumping this with the circumference
All: Table be round!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: [bleep] I'm never gonna need money anyway. Where you win this shit, shootin' dice? Come on, man. Come on, man, the hell wrong with you? Crown-wearing mother[bleep]. [bleep].

Season 4[edit]

Help Me [4.1][edit]

Edward: Steve, you and your wife are wonderful hosts. I'm being sincere.
Steve: You know, Julie, I don't think you ever got a tour of the house.
Julie: You're right.
Steve: Well, come on.
[Steve and Julie go upstairs giggling]
Edward: More apple pie for us, huh?
Steve's wife: Oh, you. [Doorbell rings] Who could that be?
[She opens the door]
Fanfare: [singing] Trojan Man!
Trojan Man: [on horseback] Excuse me, madam, but I am needed upstairs!
Steve's wife: Steve!
[Trojan Man rides upstairs, with Edward and Steve's wife following. The following dialogue is unseen]
Fanfare: Trojan Man!
Steve: Keep it down.
Steve's wife: I knew you acted weird around Julie, you bastard!
Trojan Man: Put this on your penis.
Steve: Get off! Get off me! Get off me!
Edward: Julie, how could you?!
Julie: My clothes just fell off.
Trojan Man: Her vagina will appreciate your forethought!
Edward: Will you shut the fuck up already?! Shut up!
Steve's wife: I am leaving you!
Fanfare: Trojan Man!
Edward: Hey, watch the horse! That was my grandma's– [Crash] Oh, no, you broke it!
Trojan Man: That would never happen to a Trojan condom.
Fanfare: Trojan Man!
Edward: [crying] You said my problem didn't bother you.
Julie: It doesn't. I mean, Edward, this doesn't change anything.
Edward: It changes everything!
Trojan Man: A reservoir tip is for your semen!
Julie: I got to get out of here.
[Julie leaves the house, with Edward following her]
Edward: You're a whore! You ruined my life, you whore!
[Long pause]
Trojan Man: I guess I'd better go.
Fanfare: Trojan Man!
Steve: [as Trojan Man rides out] Yeah, why don't you just get the fuck outta here? How about that?
Fanfare: Trojan Man!
Trojan Man: [leaving a box of condoms] Just in case.
Announcer: For when you wanna fuck! Yeah!

They Took My Thumbs [4.2][edit]

Wonder Woman: You young heroes are so much more than mere sidekicks, you're the future of Justice League of America. Mentoring your progress gives me enormous amount of pride.
[steals Wonder Woman's suit and heroes gasped]
Wonder Woman: Whoa! What the fuck?!?
[Kid Flash giggles]
Wonder Woman: Give me those you little shitstain!
Flash: I am very, very disappointed in you, boy. [whispering] Super-speed high five.
[Justice League Heroes waves a good-bye for young heroes to teleport and they fell down in a volcano on another planet. Justice League Heroes gasped]
Wonder Woman: What happened?
Martian Manhunter: It wasn't me! Martian Boyhunter did it!

I'm Trapped [4.3][edit]

Man 1': Hey, who packed my chute?
Man 2: I did. Why? Don't you trust me?
Man 1: Are you gonna jump, or are we just gonna jerk each other off?
[Long pause. Cut to outside shot of the plane and the door slides shut]

In a DVD Factory [4.4][edit]

[Man shoots a werewolf with a handgun to no effect]
Werewolf: Only a silver bullet can kill me.
[Man pulls out a minigun and shoots the werewolf to a bloody pulp. He mops it into a bucket, pours gasoline on it, and sets it on fire. When he gets home, he chops the resulting ashes into lines and snorts it like cocaine, after which he violently craps it into a toilet. The crap is processed in a sewage treatment plant. Cut to three kids playing Dungeons & Dragons in a basement]
Dungeonmaster: The book says he's still not dead. It has to be a silver bullet.
Knight: That's a bunch of crap!

Tell My Mom [4.5][edit]

Annie: Leapin' lizards Molly! It sure is a hard knock life —
Molly [interrupting]: Actually we're very lucky Annie.
Annie: Being an orphan sure don't feel lucky.
Molly: Then try being an orphan in the Phillipines where hundreds of thousands of orphans are forced into prostitution thanks to sex tourism. In Africa, AIDS has created millions of orphans who won't live to see puberty.
Annie: Well...I sure don't like that mean ol' Miss Hannigan — !
Molly: What don't you like exactly? 3 meals a day? A warm bed? Not being HIV positive? Not perfoming fellatio on foreign business men?
Annie: [silent, taken aback]
Molly: That's what you don't like?
Annie: Uhh...I think I'm gonna go sweep over there for a while Molly.
[Annie walks to her right to where Pepper is washing clothes in a bucket.]
Annie: Gee, Pepper! Miss Hannigan sure is mean!
Pepper: Yeah! I hate that bitch!
[TIME JUMP: 6 months later]
Daddy Warbucks: We sure had a grand adventure Annie! Your quick wits and spunky can-do spirit saved us all! Is there anything my limitless power and billions of dollars can do for you?
Molly's voice: Overseas orphans! Fellatio on foreign business men! HIV and AIDS!
Annie: Hmm...nope!

P.S. Yes, In That Way [4.6][edit]

Mario: You know, Donkey Kong, at $137 a barrel, this is a tremendous a-waste. (takes a barrel) I keep it a-now.

Love, Maurice [4.7][edit]

Singer: I wanna rock! [A rock is thrown at him]

O.J. Simpson: Oh my! What did you do?!
Roger Rabbit: What did I do? We had a deal. Now, it's your turn to kill my wife.
O.J. Simpson: I can't take the life of another human being.
Roger Rabbit: P-p-p-p-please?
O.J. Simpson: No!
Roger Rabbit: But, but, but, but, but, we had a deal. See? You don't wanna see me when I'M STEAMED!!
[Roger Rabbit causes steam to come out of himself]
Roger Rabbit: Take care of my wife or it's curtains for you!
O.J. Simpson: Oh no!

I Love Her [4.10][edit]

Announcer: And now back to Living Lohan.
Dina Lohan: Ali, who drank all the fucking orange juice?
Ali Lohan: I don't know mom, maybe the fucking Orange Juice Fairy did it!
Dina: Don't get smart with me!
Ali: Well, don't you be a big ranting bitch face!
Dina: Augh! Why are all these cameras always invading my privacy?

We Are a Humble Factory [4.11][edit]

News Reporter: ...and to all you kids under 18 watching Robot Chicken, shame on your parents.

Maurice Was Caught [4.12][edit]

Kids: “Start sharing!”

Kid: I like sharing.
Kermit: Yeah! Everybody’s sharing, that’s the way you’re supposed to do it.
Kermit: Hi, ol’ Gordo! Everybody, this is my cousin Gordon the Gecko. Gordon is a powerful executive on Wall Street. -What do you think about sharing?
Gordon the Gecko: -The rich just 1% of this country, Owns half its country wealth. $5,000,000,000,000—
Count von Count: $1,000,000,000,000! he he he, Two Trill- [Gorgo pushes The Count]
Gordon: Shut up. Greed, for lack for better word is good, greed works.
Kid: My dad says being greedy is bad.
Gordon: Your dad wouldn't know how to pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel. Is Kermit over here sharing with you, — to sit here and sing songs?!
Kermit: Ok, Gordo! It’s time to get back to the office.
Gordon: See this building behind me, first place I ever bought, flipped it and made $800,000. It was better then sex!
Kermit: Ok, who wants a share a healthy after-school snack?
Kids: I want to make 800,000 dollars! (Me too)
Gordon: First, you have to quit dressing up like 9-year old kids. Lets go buy these (Beep)ers some little suits.
Kermit: Well, I guess that lesson is brought to you by the number “Douchebag!”

Unionizing Our Labor [4.13][edit]

Don't worry, Sister Sledge, this is not your copyright-protected musical hit "We Are Family". It's something better!
All of us is airborne minidirt...
[1984 Libertarian party convention]
Candidate #1: Thank you, my Libertarian friends, for making us your nominees for president and vice president of the United States of America!
Candidate #2: 1984 is the year of the Libertarian party! We will be champions!
Candidate #1: Yes, unfortunately, the rock band Queen won't let us play their hit "We Are The Champions", but enjoy this soundalike, which we will play IN THE WHITE HOUSE!
Singer #1: [to the tune of "We Are The Champions"] We are the victors of the Glo-obe. And we'll continue doing stuff...
[1988 Libertarian party convention, the candidates have longer hair]
Candidate #1: Four years ago, I said that we would be champions... How wrong I was. Ronald Reagan soundly beat us.
Candidate #2: In fact we recieved less than one percent of one percent of the vote.
Candidate #1: But it is 1988 and the country needs to come together like a family.
Candidate #2: We are family! We are family!
Candidate #1: Don't worry, Sister Sledge, this is not your copyright-protected musical hit "We Are Family". It's something better!
Singer #2: [to the tune of "We Are Family"] We are a close-knit group! Co-workers and aquaintances!
[1992 Libertarian party convention, the candidates are noticeably older, and now have wives]
Candidate #2: Four years ago, we asked America to join our family... America said no.
Candidate #1: So we decided to make loving families of our own. Who else wants to get on board the love train?
Candidate #2: Sadly, The O-Jays wouldn't let us use their hit song "Love Train".
Candidate #1: Even though it expresses every political ideal we stand for!
Candidate #2: Next stop, the White House.
Candidate #1: Toot toot! All aboard!
Singer #3: [to the tune of "Love Train"] Citizens of the Earth (come on). Ride the Friend Choo-choo, ride the Friend Choo-choo (yeah), ride the Friend Choo-choo.
[2008 Libertarian party convention, the candidates are now old men]
Candidate #2: Well, sadly, not a single voter chose to board the friendship choo-choo. Worse, despite using the soundalike, The OJs still sued us.
Candidate #1: During the 16-year legal battle, unsavory private matters were revealed, resulting in the spectacular in-court suicide of my beautiful wife, Jennette.
Candidate #2: My wife Sarah also committed suicide, but, uh, that was unrelated to the trial.
Candidate #1: These tragedies taught us that life, like voting for a third party, are ultimately meaningless.
Candidate #2: So, in the end, all we, the Libertarian party, are is "Dust In the Wind".
Candidate #1: [stammers]
Candidate #2: I mean, all of us is airborne minidirt!
Candidate #1: Airborne minidirt, y'all!
Singer #4: [to the tune of "Dust In the Wind"] All of us is airborne minidirt...

President Hu Forbids It [4.14][edit]

[There are two boats in Gotham Harbor, a yeoman approaches the captain]
Yeoman: Sir, the whole boat is rigged to explode! And I found this! [displays a detonator. Meanwhile, all the passangers are in the seating area, the intercom turns on]
Joker: Greetings from the Joker. "Why so serious?" Anyway, we have a boat of civilians and a boat of prison inmates. I will blow up both boats at midnight.
Man #1: Oh, my God!
Joker: However, each boat has a detonator that will blow up the opposite boat. If one boat decides to blow up the other boat prior to midnight, I will not blow up the boat that blows up the other boat. It's quite the moral quandary, is it not?
Man #2: Then let's vote on neither boat blowing up.
GIRL: No, he said we decide.
Man #3: Then I decide that neither boat blows up!
CAPTAIN: Wait,, we vote?
Woman: No, we... we just press a button, I think.
Man #4: I don't understand. What does this prove, exactly?
Man #5: Uh, Mister Joker, sir? We came to a consensus: we vote that neither boat should blow up. [passengers agree]
Joker: That's not a choice!
Man #5: Uh..uh, you better explain it again then, I guess.
Joker: [sighs] I will blow up both the boats-
Man #1: Oh my God!
Joker: — unless, UNLESS, one boat blows up the other boat first.
Man #5: Uh, w-what are the other options?
Joker: There are no other options.
Old Lady: Ask him when both boats blow up.
CAPTAIN: Alright folks, that gives us a good 15 minutes. Everyone, into the lifeboats!
Joker: No, no lifeboats! I said that you couldn't use them.
Man #6: You never said that!
Joker: I did, way back in the beginning.
Man #5: You better go over the rules again. [the Joker is clearly exasperated]
Joker: Oh, for H- it's a catch 22! Look, there are two boats. At midnight— [Batman cuts him off by hitting him with a board.]

Due To Constraints of Time and Budget [4.15][edit]

Love your love with love... Just love your love with love…
John Lennon: Hey, I have an idea. What's the most important thing in the world?
Ringo Starr: Acid.
John Lennon: After that?
Ringo Starr: Love.
John Lennon: That's right. Maybe those meanies in the Blue October don't want to declare war. Maybe they want to declare love and defect to Pepperland.
Paul McCartney: There's only one way to find out. Let's sing a song about love.
Old Fred: Oh...
Beatles: Love your love with love... Just love your love with love...
Meanie Captain: They're singing! Maybe they know we're trying to defect to Pepperland.
Meanie Lieutenant: Sir, another submarine from Meanie Land followed us! (The camera zooms up to show another sub with red lines on its side. Inside, a Meanie Officer resembling Viktor Tupolev and his lackey are shown.)
Meanie Officer: Open the glove compartment! Fire! (The enemy sub launches the Dreadful Flying Glove from its front.)
Old Fred: Another submarine fired a glove at the Blue October!
John Lennon: I know what to do. Steer our Submarine straight toward the glove.
Old Fred: You're crazy! We'll all die!
George Harrison: Who cares? We're just cartoons.
Ringo Starr: "Spull feed" ahead! [The Yellow Submarine moves toward the glove. Cut back to the inside of the enemy Meanie sub.]
Second Meanie: Should I arm the glove, sir?
Meanie Officer: Yes... Yesss! [jumps up and down] No! [The enemy sub launches a missile, which connects with the Dreadful Flying Glove.]
Ringo Starr: Oh, look, a hole. [Ringo picks up a hole and throws it upward. The armed glove is swallowed up.]
Meanie Officer: What happened? Why didn't it explode? Periscope! [The periscope is lowered, and the armed glove pops out of it.]
Meanie Officer: Ohh... fuck. [The missile goes off, and the enemy Meanie sub explodes. The Beatles and the Captain cheer on.]
Paul McCartney: Hole in one, Ringo. How did you know it would work?
Ringo Starr: I didn't. I'm on acid.
John Lennon: Way to go, Ringo. Maybe now you can sleep with the groupies first.
Ringo Starr: Really?
Paul McCartney: No.
Beatles: Love your love with love... Just love your love with love... [Everyone starts laughing, chattering, and singing.]

The Ramblings of Maurice [4.16][edit]

Jim Henson Company Executive 1: Ah, our Dark Crystal sequel is doomed!
Executive 2: Well, it's been in development Hell for years. Now theaters don't even want it.
Executive 1: We need a brand-new take. Something that really tricks kids into thinking they want to see a movie about puppets. [Cut to the next scene, where Jen is wearing a rapper-style outfit.)
Jen: Yo, whassup, everybody? This is Lil' Jen, aka MC Gelfling! Lemme take you on a little journey! Raise up your glasses y'all, and get ready for the story of the Dark... Cris... tal! [The UrSkeks are seen drinking booze, when suddenly, one of them, driving a car, fires at them, breaking off part of the large bottle in the center. The race is split up into the UrRus and Skeksis, who go their separate ways.]
Jen: Once upon a time, in the distant land of Thura, there was a huge-ass super-sized bottle of Cristal, living under three suns, all the peoples having fun! They were clinking and drinking, Cristal for everyone, but then there was a drive-by. Oh snap! Hit the deck! It was the Skeksis in a Lexus with a tech! Bottle got wrecked, it split two different races to two different places. The Skeksis headed West with their creepy dead bird faces. The UrRus waited on the East Coast for all their help to come. They were a bunch of Mystics who like to sit around and hum... [The UrRus start humming rhythmically]
Jen: Ah, yeah. That sound good right there. In step, the prophecy, there's no stopping me! Gelfling's gonna help things, pretty soon we'll be popping C-R-I-S to the T-A-L. Full throttle, fix the bottle and break that spell! [Jen is seen rapping along with other characters from the film.]
Jen and Chorus: Whole world is ugly, no one's sipping on bubbly, wanna get busy, but without the fizzy, the ladies won't love me. I gotta save the land of Thura, I am far and mystical. Gonna wreck me some Skeksis and go get that Cristal. I went to Aughra and got that cracked up shard of Cristal. Whoo! Then I met Kira and Fizzgig, he was a little fuzzy ball.
Fizzgig: Whassup, y'all? [Jen and Kira are seen riding on Landstriders, and they encounter the Skeksis. Jen is seen leaping into the air, and places the broken shard onto the bottle. Jen is seen rapping again as the world's former glory is restored.]
Jen: Jumped on a Landstrider, rode to the castle, faced off with the Skeksis. Man, those dudes are crazy assholes! I put the cracked shard of the bottle back into the right spot! Now the East and West Coasts got back together, and this joint is fucking hot!
Jen and Chorus: Yeah, this party's a blast, Cristal's flowing fast. I'm thinking I wanna get up in Kira's ass. We're all having a ball, there won't be no last call. West and East, squash the beef! They're all drinking Cristal. More people still coming, and the Mystics still humming, they go... [The UrRus start humming rhythmically]
Jen: Yeah.
Chorus: That's the end of the Dark Cristal...
Jen: Hoes! [Cut back to the executives, who are standing in front of a portrait of Jim Henson.]
Executive 1: Well, we failed you, Jim.[The executives commit suicide by drinking poison.]
Executive 2: Aaah... Sweet... relief...[They stagger off to die.]

Can't Be Erased, So Sorry [4.17][edit]

[A costumed character known as "The Mockingbird" is sitting bound to a chair, and gets punched in the face. Another character in a bird-like costume is revealed to be interrogating the Mockingbird]
Finch: Ready to talk, Mockingbird?
[Mockingbird spits out some blood]
Mockingbird: (mocking) "Ready to talk, Mockingbird?"
Finch: Aah! I should've seen that coming! Scout, see if the coast is clear!
[A bird-costumed character wearing goggles and a speaker-phone searches, then turns toward Finch]
Scout: Coast is clear, Finch.
Finch: Good. 'Cause I'm about to kill a Mockingbird!
[Mockingbird clicks a button on a detonation device, which breaks his bindings. He then kicks Finch in the crotch, then whacks him with the chair, and kicks him a few times more]
Scout: Jem! Jem! Use your gemstones!
[A character in a red bird costume shows up. Jem fires beams from the gemstones on his wings, effectively killing Mockingbird before he can get away]
Scout, Finch, and Jem: Yeah!
[The group celebrates, then cut to a classroom. It's revealed that this was all part of a report]
Student: And... that's my book report on "How to Kill a Mockingbird" by Lee... Harper... Oswald or whoever...
Teacher: Couldn't even spring for the Cliffs Notes, huh? [The teacher whacks the student upside the head]

Season 5[edit]

Saving Private Gigli [5.2][edit]

Matthew Senreich: [during the opening Saving Private Ryan parody war scene, as Seth Green is shot down] I'll tell your story! [Matthew Senreich is shot down]
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: I'll tell Seth Green's story! Yours has less commercial appeal!

Kramer vs. Showgirls [5.5][edit]

[A group of people are leaving the theatre which was showing American Pie, the people go inside McDonald's, the people start screaming inside]
Announcer: And top off that Happy Meal with a tasty apple pie. Warning: Apple pies are hot; do not stick your dick in McDonald's apple pie.

Malcolm X: Fully Loaded [5.6][edit]

Doug: So I just moved to LA. You wanna get some Dunkin' Donuts?
Man: We don't have any Dunkin' Donuts in LA. [a shocked Doug slowly looks at the viewers, traumatized. Then the camera zooms closer and closer at Doug and slowly fades to a brown background with a word "WHY?" in capital letters]

Major League of Extraordinary Gentlemen [5.7][edit]

Spongebob: [At the Krusty Krab] Krabby Patties are made out of crab! [customers gasp, Green Fish retches, spits]
Mr. Krabs: Heh heh. Everybody knows Krabby Patties are me family's secret recipe, boy.
Spongebob: Then explain this! [Holds out box of crab legs] You said you fired Carl the night janitor. But this is his tattoo! [Holds crab leg that says "Born 2 Lose"]
Mr. Krabs: You little yellow bastard! I treated you like a son, me boy!
Spongebob: And it's not just crabs! Squidward, those calamari rings are squid!
Squidward: [Throws up]
Spongebob: And your Chicken-Of-The-Sea salad? Ha! Tuna! Chicken-Of-The-Sea is TUNA!
Yellow Fish: [Pushes bowl out of reach]
Customers: [Get up and form around Mr. Krabs]
Green Fish: You fed us to us!
Orange Fish: Are we paying you to kill us?
Spongebob: You're disgusting.
Mr. Krabs: No! I'm the last honest man in Bikini Bottom!! We're all animals, boys and girls. Eating each other is what nature intended.
Customers: [Beat up Mr. Krabs]
Spongebob: [Sighs] I'm just glad nothing disgusting ever happens to a sponge.
[At a hospital. A morbidly obese man sits on a bed with a nurse at his side.]
Nurse: Okay, just gotta scrub deep within your rolls of fat, and we're done. [Begins scrubbing with a sponge]
Spongebob: [Pushes scene aside] I SAID, NOTHING DISGUSTING EVER HAPPENS TO A SPONGE! *Splat*
Nurse: Uggh... I hope that's pudding in there...

Schindler's Bucket List [5.8][edit]

Gonzo: For my next feat, I will walk across hot coals while explaining what the hell I am.
Hooded Killer: No! For your next feat, you die!
[The Hooded Killer fires a cannon, decapitating Gonzo, and Gonzo's corpse falls on the hot coals. The scene then cuts straight to Gonzo's funeral.]
Kermit: Gonzo died as he lived, and our family will never be whole again. And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Steve Martin! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!
Steve Martin: The lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lay down-
Miss Piggy: [interrupting] Oh, are we burying him in a Sybian?
[Camilla clucks and jumps on the coffin.]
Fozzie: You know, the last time a Muppet died-
Steve Martin:: [interrupting] Excuse me?
Fozzie: Don’t you mean, "Excuuuuuuuuuuuuse me"?
Steve Martin: No, this is a funeral. I’m working. Do I come to where you work and knock the shit outta your mouth?!
Kermit: Wow, Steve’s working blue, but he’s right. We vowed never to talk about that night. [the characters look at Scooter, then back at each other. Cut to Fozzie's room]
Fozzie: And then the dam says, "the aristocrats"! Wocka, wocka!
Hooded Killer: Hey, Fozzie. Why did the bear turn red?
Fozzie: I don’t know, stranger.
Hooded Killer: Because he was embarrassed!
Fozzie: [deadpan clapping] Wocka wocka.
Hooded Killer: Then how about this? Because I fucking stabbed him! [stabs Fozzie]
Fozzie: What a show stopper...
Statler: See? I told you the bear was gonna die onstage tonight.
[Statler and Waldorf laugh]
Fozzie: Hey, guys, can you stop laughing and call me an ambulance?
Waldorf: You're an ambulance.
[Statler and Waldorf laugh again, as the killer drags Fozzie away forcefully, and pushes a wagon on-stage]
[Wheels Squeaking]
Kermit: First Gonzo, now Fozzie. Could we be paying the price for what we did?
Miss Piggy: Don’t say that name, Kermy.
Kermit: Oh, Miss Piggy’s telling me what to do. Wow, hey, everybody! Come here! You gotta come see this. Piggy’s telling me what to do! Wow, must be a date to the why!
[Scooter is carrying props.]
Kermit: Oh hey, uh, Scooter?
Scooter: Oh! Hey there, boss.
Kermit: We need to talk about Skeeter’s death.
Scooter: Why, sure. I love talking about my twin sister, if not for that tragic accident.
Kermit: You know, I’m gonna stop you right there. I got something I gotta tell you.
[Flashback to 'Muppet Babies' parody]
Kermit: Let’s play "The Little Mermaid"!
Fozzie: Let’s question Kermit’s sexuality. Wocka wocka!
Scooter: Hold on! Let me grab my floaties.
Skeeter: What a nerd.
Piggy: [clears throat] Moi will play "La Petite Mermaid".
Skeeter: Mermaids aren’t fat! [Smack!]
Kermit: Yikes! Skeeter, if you only take my advice once in your natural life, take it now. Walk away.
[Skeeter slaps Kermit away]
Fozzie: Nanny! Skeeter’s hitting us again!
Kermit: Yeah, who's the homo now?
[More smacking sounds; Skeeter gets hit by a wagon.]
Kermit: If we do this thing, it’s our secret forever.
[All Muppet Babies agree and drown Skeeter in the pool.]
All Muppet Babies: Nanny?!
[Back to present]
Scooter: You killed my sister?
Kermit: It was 60% self-defense. But we're kind of burying the lead here. And we think Skeeter’s come back from the grave for revenge!
Scooter: Oh, Skeeter will have her revenge…
[Scooter becomes Skeeter {I have absolutely no idea how taking glasses off and putting an eyeless pair makes you into Skeeter}, and Kermit and Miss Piggy scream in fear.]
Scooter/Skeeter: [attacks Kermit] Fifteen seconds till your death!
Miss Piggy: HIIII-YAH! [she misses] Wuh!
Scooter/Skeeter: Here it comes. Showtime!
Camilla: [clucking, subtitled] "Get away from her, you bitch!"
Scooter/Skeeter: You can’t shoot me. Chickens don’t even have fingers.
[Camilla fires an arrow, stabbing Scooter/Skeeter in the head.]
Scooter/Skeeter: Oooooooooh!
Steve Martin [chuckling]: It never gets old.

Catch Me If You Kangaroo Jack [5.10][edit]

Joker: [laughing sinisterly in his hideout] Watch out, Gotham City, no-one can stop... The Joker! [Batman immediately swoops in, and starts graphically beating up the Joker into submission. A time card then appears reading "Many Hours Later..." and continues to show Batman beating down the Joker. Before he lands another punch, he shakes his wrist out of numbness, then lands the punch, then stops]
Batman: No! One more punch would kill you! And I won't kill you!
The Joker: That means somehow I win! I go to jail, break out, kill people, go to jail!! Rinse and repeat —
Batman: Yes, I know, it's an endless cycle. But I'm sworn to let the courts do their work. [to himself] Now what to do? Hmmm... :[scene immediately cuts to a courtroom]
Judge: And with the accepted go-to by Batman, [aside glance] thank you, Batman, the court has decided on the death penalty!
Batman: [to Joker] Sorry, it's out of my hands.
Commissioner Gordon: Maurice P. Joker, in response to over 200 thousand accounts of murder, and several other crimes that seem minor compared to 200 thousand accounts of murder, you have been sentenced to death. Have you any last words?
The Joker: [in an almost sincere voice] I knew Jesus has forgiven me.
Police Officer: Is that a joke?
The Joker: [sobbing] No! [the police officer then pulls the switch for the electric chair the Joker is strapped to, and he starts to become violently electrocuted]
Police Officer: That's not right.
Commissioner Gordon: Keep going until he's dead! It would be monstrous to stop now!!
The Joker: [as he's still being electrocuted] F*ck you, Dork Knight! [everyone else except for Gordon and Batman throw up in revulsion, soon the Joker shows no sign of movement]
Police Officer: Oh, oh- [he and a fellow officer investigate the body, and tap it, only to see it react one final time before his head explodes]
Commissioner Gordon: [nervously backing away] I didn't know- I-I didn't know...
Batman: Wait! [opens Gordon's palm, to see that one of the shock sponge pads was ripped off the electric chair helmet] But why?
Commissioner Gordon: [somberly] For Barbara. [Batman grips Gordon, almost threatening to knock him out, until he pulls out the other shock sponge pad. They both laugh it off.]

Beastmaster and Commander [5.11][edit]

[At the Peanuts school, the teacher is addressing the students, [which of course is barely understood by the audience)]
Charlie Brown: Wow! A new kid is coming. Maybe he'll take my spot on the totem pole around here.
Lucy: You'll always be the shit catcher, Charlie Brown!
Sally: Whoever he is, I doubt he'll replace my sweet baboo!
Linus: [rolls his eyes] Oh, brother!
[new kid struts in]
Kid: Hey everyone! My name's Ren. Ren McCormick.
Sally: [pushes Linus away] Hello!!
Charlie Brown: You're just in time for the school play. We're practicing a number for our Christmas production.
Ren: I love to dance! My last school banned dancing entirely. [silence] You might say dancing makes me feel footloose and fancy free. [silence] [sighs] I'm Kevin Bacon's character from Footloose. [still silence, the characters then start dancing their signature dance] Oh my God, that is the worst dancing I have ever seen.
Pigpen: Excuse me?
Ren: Sorry, [bleep]-box...
Pigpen: It's Pigpen.
Ren: Sorry.
Pigpen: It's alright. You made a lateral error, at best.
Ren: You're just doing the same move over and over. I mean, what is that guy even doing? [cuts to the kid dancing the running man]
Kid: I couldn't think of a dance! I panicked!!
Ren: Sorry, I need to get the [bleep] out of here. I'd rather have a town with no dancing, than this. [leaves; the group resumes with their dancing, while Snoopy fantasizes about doing an 80s-style dance routine, before cutting back to Ren's school]
Ren's Classmate: Hey, Ren! It turns out you can't ban dancing. It's unconstitutional!
Ren: Alright!
Ren's Classmate: Yeah, but then they passed a law saying we have to use creationist textbooks.
Ren: [stops dancing] Rats!

Some Like It Hitman [5.14][edit]

Snape: [to Hogwarts students after explaining how to mix a potion] Well, why aren't you writing this down?
Ron: We usually don't start until you insult Harry.
Snape: Am I really that predictable? Fine. Uh, Potter, you fool!
Ron: [after mixing his potion] Well, bottoms up. [drinks it]
Herminone: How much drops of wolfsbane extract did you use?
Ron: Uh, three? [his jaw suddenly contracts and his teeth fire off the gums before his head explodes]
Herminone: Professor Snape, what happened?
Snape: He used too much wolfsbane extract, it looks like.
Harry: He used one extra drop! That margin for error is pretty bloody slim!
Herminone: This spell's supposed to change our eye color. Why would we risk exploding skulls just to change our eye color?
Snape: Uh... Potter, you fool?

[A parody of the "Be Our Guest" song from Beauty and the Beast is shown, as Lumiere, Cogsworth, Ms. Potts and Chip appear on the table]
Lumiere: [sung] So you're dining with a beast/That doesn't mean you shouldn't feast.
Cogsworth: Let us handle reservations/give your taste buds a sensation! [a chamber pot appears, butting into the song]
Defecacci: Have your fill, eat more still/There's no need to slow your pace. After dinner, you'll be thinner/once you sit down on my face.
Lumiere: [pushes Chamber Pot away] Have some seconds/eat a lot-
Defecacci: Then come meet your chamber pot...
Lumiere [speaking, as music stops completely] Excuse me, we are trying to serve dinner here!
Defecacci: What? Defecacci doesn't get to sing along? I'm a person too! Defecacci never asked to be a chamber pot!
Lumiere: None of us asked to be stuck in the form of household items, but people are eating!
Defecacci: Oh, so she gets to meet Defecacci after dinner, eh? I have to live a solitary existence punctuated by people pooping in my-
Lumiere: [angrily] I said, people are EATING!
Defecacci: [bounds away in a huff] Dah, porca miseria...
Lumiere: OK, let's just get through this dinner, so the Beast can bang this bitch and...Belle? Where did Belle go?
[cuts away to Belle crapping into Defecacci]
Defecacci: Ring the bell, sound the horn!/Looks like someone's eaten corn.
Belle: [in disgust] Does everything have to be a (bleep)ing song?!

Mr. Phillipson: [discovering his sex client is a duck] Holy shit! You're a duck!
Donna Duck: That's right, baby! Now why don'tcha ruffle my feathers?
Mr. Phillipson: Why are you a duck?
Donna Duck: I'm what you ordered.
Mr. Phillipson: I did not order a duck.
Donna Duck: I don't know how it could've gotten out wrong.
Mr. Phillipson: Oh, what kind of four letter word other than duck would I use with a bad cell phone connection?
Donna Duck: [sighs] Fine. But you're still going to have to pay me for your time.
Mr. Phillipson: There's no way I'm going to pay to not f*ck a cartoon duck. Normally, not paying to not f*ck a cartoon duck is free.
Donna Duck: [dials her cell phone] We have a problem.
Mr. Phillipson: Who are you calling? [Donna's bodyguard bursts in]
Stedman: [in a stereotypical gangster patois] Have we gots ourselves a problem here?
Mr. Phillipson: Uh, no?
Stedman: Just pay the duck!
Mr. Phillipson: This isn't fair! I shouldn't have to- [starts getting beaten up]
Donna Duck: Whip his ass, Stedman. Whip his ass!!

The Core, The Thief, The Wife, and his Lover [5.15][edit]

[Kratos is slicing away at several enemies in front of a castle building]
Kratos: I, Kratos, the God of War, feed the Blades of Chaos with the blood orbs of your souls! [walks in and finds himself in a bedroom where a naked man and woman are waiting for him]
Artemis: [voice] Quickly, Kratos! Pleasure your lovers and receive a bounty of blood orbs!
Kratos: Uh, one of them's a dude.
Artemis: What's the problem? You're in Greece.
Artemis: Surely, you would let him watch if I offered you 1000 blood orbs.
Kratos: [thinking] The Blades of Chaos are thirsty... I could not turn that down.
Artemis: We'll make it 1,500 and he gets to play with your balls.
Kratos: What? Who do you think I am?!
Artemis: We already established that. Now we're just negotiating.
Kratos: Oh, I see what you did there. Very smug and demeaning.
Artemis: I'm just going to throw this out there. 2,000 blood orbs, anything goes.
Kratos: Alright. [pauses] You're not going to watch, are you?
Artemis: Only as long as I need to.

The Curious Case of the Box [5.17][edit]

Dora the Explorer: [climbing Mt. Everest] I'm Dora the Explorer, and I fear this mountain may be my grave.

Jesus: [the Grim Reaper had just killed an old woman named Gladys in heaven] You can't do that!
Grim Reaper: Did it!
Jesus: You can't die in heaven, Dad! Tell him!
God: Actually you can. you see, if you die in heaven, you go to- Super Heaven.
Jesus: What?!
Gladys: [playing an electric guitar while riding a motorcycle as fireworks go off] Super Heaven is awesome!!

Season 6[edit]

Executed by the State [6.1][edit]

[Wile E. Coyote is chasing the Road Runner on rocket powered roller skates. The Coyote crashes into a fake tunnel. The Road Runner holds up a sign saying "Fake Tunnel" & the Coyote holds up a sign saying "No shit".]
Road Runner: Meep Meep! [runs off]
[The Coyote feeling sad holds up different signs saying "What am I doing in my life?". He tosses signs reading "I will catch him", "It's what I was meant to do", and "My life has a meaning" into a fire. The Coyote finds a box saying "Acme Suicide Kit", containing plastic bags and duct tape, to which he holds up a sign reading "$149???" The Coyote puts a plastic bag on his head, wraps the tape around his neck, & suffocates. At a church the Road Runner goes to the Coyote's funeral]
Road Runner: [sadly] M-meep Meep.
[The Coyote reveals that he is not dead, holds up a sign saying "Fake funeral" & kills the Road Runner by shooting him with a flame thrower. As the Coyote is eating the Road Runner, he holds up a sign saying "In case you were wondering...", then turns it around, revealing, "...yes, I have an erection."]

Poisoned by Relatives [6.4][edit]

Sagat: We meet again, Ryu, only this time, we fight to the death!
Ryu: Actually, no. It's to knockout, best two out of three. Remember? It was all covered in the packet.
Sagat: Uh...sorry, what now?
Ryu: [pulling out a packet] The packet I spent weeks putting together? You don't have your packet?
Sagat: Oh, right, right! No, I have it. It's just...[starts searching his bag]'s in the bag.
[Ryu's phone rings]
Ryu: Yeah. Well, Ken, if your opponent's late, you give him a call. There's a contact sheet in the packet.
Ken: [not looking] Let's sheet, contact sheet—no, I don't see it. You must've forgotten to put it in.
Ryu: Fine. I'll get it for you. [Call waiting beep] Hold on. [Switches line] What's the problem, Guile?
Guile: I'll tell you the problem—E. Honda's venue is a bathhouse, like a full-on "we're all guys here, so let's get naked" bathhouse.
E. Honda: What? In my culture, it's a familiar setting.
Guile: No one told me I'd be fighting with all these sushi rolls hanging out.
Ryu: It was all described in the pac...! [Call waiting beep] Oh, hold on a minute. [Switches line] What is it? [Blanka screams at front desk holding chihuahua] No! Don't you scream at me. It's specifically noted that your hotel doesn't allow pets. [Call waiting beep, switches line] What?!
Ken: It's been twenty minutes. I don't think E. Honda's coming.
Ryu: E. Honda? [Looks at packet] You're not fighting E. Honda, you're fighting a Honda.
Ken: I'm fighting a car?
Ryu: Yes.
Ken: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Ryu: It was in the packet! You know what? From now on, you lose your packet, you are out of the tournament!
Ken: [sarcastically] Fine, fine, I'm punching the car. Oh, he's not hitting back. How exciting! Wow, what a great idea. [Changes tone] Hey, this is kind of fun. Shoryuken! [Gets into it] Shoryuken!
Sagat: Tiger! Tiger! [Boom!] Oh, man! I accidentally just tiger-punched my packet, dude! That is classic Sagat. I mean, I don't know what happened there.
Ryu: [answering phone] This better be good, M. Bison.
M. Bison: [at top of pyramid in Q*Bert] I think I got the wrong packet.
[Punches Q*Bert]

Robot Chicken: Star Wars (2007)[edit]

Intro Text: Not long ago in a galaxy not far enough away...
[ C-3PO walks through a metal detector and a buzzer goes off while R2-D2 slides through on a conveyor belt beside the metal detector]
C-3PO: Oh... oh, dear! My keys! [takes out keys and puts them into a tray despite the fact he is what's setting of the metal detector] Hah-hah!

Imperial Officer: Welcome to Orientation Day here on the jolly, old Death Star! Now, there are a few things we want to go over with you concerning Lord Vader. First and foremost, he thinks he has the power to strangle us! Truth is, he doesn't. If he ever realized this, he would kill us with his lightsaber. Thus, to keep us safe, we'll all pretend to get strangled. Ok! Let's try a practice.
[Commander Winston walks over]
Imperial Officer: Commander Winston here will assist me. I'm going to hold out my hand like Lord Vader, and he will pretend to be strangled. [holds out his hand as Winston gasps, holding his throat, pretending to be strangled] Gasping for air; grabs throat; yes, eyes back, and he's down! [Winston collapses] Good show, commander! Now, two of the floor chiefs will retrieve the corpse. [two floor chiefs retrieve Winston and drag him out of the room] Redress him, add a mustache... [Winston comes back in again] and he's back to work as Lieutenant Leopold! Vader has the satisfaction of killing someone, and we stay amongst the living! Why, Private Perkins over there has been strangled over 30 times! Haven't you Perkins? [laughs; Private Perkins is shown wearing funky-looking glasses and an old man's beard] Good man!

Nerd: [gets into an elevator with George Lucas; gasps] You're George Lucas!
George Lucas: Uhh, I take it you're here for the Star Wars convention?
Nerd: I sure am! Ooo, wanna see my costume? [begins to dress into it]
George Lucas: Uhhh... hm.
Nerd: See? I'm a Tauntaun! But I don't have to tell you — you invented Tauntauns!
George Lucas: Well, that's uh.. that's very interesting —
Nerd: Listen to my Tauntaun call! Oorah-rah-rah-ooh-rah-rah-rah-ooh-rah-ooh-rah-ahh!
George Lucas: [elevator stops] Uhh... nicely done. [runs out of the elevator; sees a group of Star Wars fans in front of him] Oh, dear God...
Star Wars Fan #1: [screaming] Oh, my God, George LUCAAAAAS!
George Lucas: Oh, dear God, oh, dear God... [runs away]
Star Wars Fan #2: I love you! Give me a baby!
Nerd: [halts George Lucas] Quickly, sir! Onto my back! I am your steed!
George: Uhh... [pause; gets on] I have a bad feeling about this...
Nerd: [begins hopping away] Oorah-rah-rah-ooh-rah-rah!
George: Oh, dear God! [they enter the convention room on the stage; Lucas gets off and stands at the podium and gets small feedback from the microphone] Uh, well, um... and I thought they smelt bad on the outside. [laughter, cheers, and applause from the audience]
Nerd: Just like in the movie! [George Lucas offers his hand to the nerd] Me?! [takes his hand and bows, hyperventilating] Thank you! Thank you!
[scene switches to the nerd in his old age with his grandson on his lap]
Old Nerd: ...And that was the greatest day of my whole life.
Grandson: What about when I was born?
Old Nerd: Not even close.

Luke Skywalker: Your overconfidence is your weakness.
Emperor Palpatine: Your faith in your friends is yours!
Luke Skywalker: [chuckle; whisper] Faith in yo' mama.
Emperor Palpatine: What was that?!
Luke Skywalker: I said, yo' mama so fat, Jabba the Hutt said, "DAAAAMN!"
Emperor Palpatine: Well, your mother's so ugly, she put the "Ug" in Ugnaught!
Darth Vader: Aww, yo' mama fight!
[Darth Vader stands by a chalkboard to keep score while making a piece of chalk levitate with the Force; Luke and Emperor Palpatine stand on opposite sides from each other]
Luke Skywalker: Yo' mama so stupid, she spent all day saying, "am not!" to R2! [Vader gives Luke a point]
Crowd: Oooohh!
Emperor Palpatine: Your mother is so fat that Ben Kenobi said, "that's no moon, [gets up in Luke's face] that's yo' mama!" [gets a point from Vader]
Crowd: Ohhh!
Luke Skywalker: Yo' mama so dumb, she thought Jar-Jar, comes with "Pickles-Pickles"! [Vader gives Luke another point]
Crowd: Oooh!
Emperor Palpatine: Your mother is so stupid, she.. she thinks a lightsaber has fewer calories! [silence; Palpatine acts as if he'll get a big, positive reaction but doesn't; Darth Vader shakes his head in disgrace]
Guy in Crowd: Huh? I don't get it.
Emperor Palpatine: It's "lite"... like, it's "lite," like calories... like, "lite" means there's not a lot of calories and it's good.... for your body, that's how stupid your mother is. [does not earn a point]
Luke Skywalker: Yo' mama so stupid, she went to Bangkok to get a TIE Fighter! [receives another point]
[the crowd cheers]
Luke Skywalker: And Luke wins!
[Darth Vader lifts Emperor Palpatine over his head and walks him over to a ledge]
Emperor Palpatine: What are you doing? Wh-what are you doing?! P-put me down! N-no! [Vader tosses Palpatine over the ledge] AAAHHHHHH!

Darth Vader: Inform the Emperor that the Jedi Temple has been sealed.
Private Perkins: Yes, my Lord. [walks away]
Jar-Jar Binks: Ani?! Ani! Little Ani!
Darth Vader: Jar-Jar, I am no longer Anakin Skywalker...
Jar-Jar Binks: [touches Vader's cape] These are some nice-ah duds, ah-poopah!
Darth Vader: Look, Jar-Jar, it is very important... [Jar-Jar taps on Vader's helmet; groans, then scares Jar-Jar back a step] that you never speak to me again.
Jar-Jar Binks: What'sa happen to you? Yousa burn your face... [takes off Vader's helmet and looks at him for a brief moment before Vader quickly puts his helmet back on] AAAHHH! Ani-bo-bani!! [shakes Vader by the shoulders] What'sa happen to you?!
Darth Vader: [grabs Jar-Jar by the ears and pulls him towards a door as Jar-Jar screams] Jar-Jar. Homey. My main man. Quickly, before the Separatists attack, get into the escape pod! [tosses Jar-Jar into an airlock chamber]
Jar-Jar Binks: Hey, if this is escape, then where the pod? [Vader shuts and locks the door] Yousa forgot the pod!! [Vader presses a button which ejects Jar-Jar out into space] WHOOO!
[a completely motionless toy of Jar-Jar Binks floats out into space with no sounds whatsoever]
Darth Vader: [in bed; sighs, then chuckles maniacally]
[Jar-Jar Binks appears before Vader's bed as a Force ghost]
Jar-Jar Binks: Ani! Look! Yousa not gonna believe it! Meesa all sparkly glowy! [Vader covers his own head with a pillow while Jar-Jar bounces around Vader's bed ecstatically] Now, weesa gonna have all the time to spend together! I love you, Ani! Yaaaahh! Ah-haahhh! Ani, yeeeeah!

Darth Vader: Turn to the Dark side and join me.
Luke Skywalker: I'll never join you! You killed my father!
Darth Vader: No, Luke. I am your father!
Luke Skywalker: That's not true! That's impossible!
Darth Vader: And Princess Leia is your sister!
Luke Skywalker: That's not true! That's... improbable!
Darth Vader: And the Empire will be defeated by Ewoks!
Luke Skywalker: That's... [scoffs] very unlikely...
Darth Vader: And as a child, I built C-3PO!
Luke Skywalker: Mhm.
Darth Vader: [with a cup of coffee] And the Force? Well, that's just microscopic bacteria in your bloodstream called midi-chlorian.
Luke Skywalker: [flicks away cigarette] Look, if you're not gonna take this seriously, I'm out. [walks away]

Princess Leia: [in bed with Luke Skywalker] That was so wrong...

Robot Chicken: Star Wars Episode II (2008)[edit]

[a guy dressed up in a Stormtrooper outfit takes out a lunch box and thermos bottle]
Wife: Gary, where is Jessica? Isn't today "Take Your Daughter to Work Day"?
Gary: [sighs] No one actually does that.
Wife: Gary, you promised. [walks away; the camera slowly zooms in on the motionless Gary]
[at a Rebel Alliance ship; a group of Stormtroopers blast down a door and begin a blaster-fight with some guards]
Gary: Keep your head down, Jessica!
Jessica: Okay, daddy! [Gary takes his daughter's hand and runs to cover; Jessica squeals and accidentally drops her teddy bear into the line of fire] Mr. Fuzzybottom!
Gary: [stops Jessica from running into the line of fire, then puts his head down in frustration and sighs calmly; carefully walks into the line of fire to get Mr. Fuzzybottom back, dodging an array of red-toned lasers getting fired in his direction; groans] AHHH! [makes his way back to Jessica on his hands and knees, panting heavily] Here you go, baby.
Darth Vader: Who is this little girl?
Gary: Oh! Vader! Uh... it's "Take Your Daughter to Work Day", and I know, uh... you know, I'm sorry for bringing her, but my wife says I never see her, and... and let's be honest, she's right! Okay? She's right! [silence] ...Do you have kids? 'Cause, I mean, heh, they change your world. ...Oh, I'm probably gonna get fired for this... but [stands proud] [bleep] it. [takes his daughter's hand and says sternly] I love my daughter.
Darth Vader: [silence; leans in and thumps his chest with his fist] That really hits me where I live. [grabs a rebel guard by the neck and lifts him up] What have you done with those plans?! Gary here, never sees his daughter because of people like you! [brief pause; bone snaps; realizes what he's done and covers his mouth innocently] I'm so sorry you had to see that. [drops the body; leans in] Are you having fun, being at work with your father?
Jessica: Mmm... [hides head behind Gary]
Darth Vader: [chuckles; wiggles around a little] I know, I'm scary.
[scene change to Tatooine]
Ben Kenobi: [controlling Gary with Jedi mind control] These aren't the droids you're looking for.
Gary: These aren't the droids we're looking for.
Jessica: Yes, they are!
Ben Kenobi: Move along.
Gary: Move along. [Ben Kenobi rides away]
Jessica: Daddy, you're not even trying!
Gary: Baby, it's 165º degrees on this planet! I can't hear in this thing! [referring to his helmet] I was just repeating what I thought the guy was sayin'! It's not like it's my own mother[bleep]ing thought on the matter, okay?! [Jessica runs away, sobbing] Hon! Aww — baby! [runs after]
Stormtrooper: See? That's why I don't bring my daughter to jack [bleep]!

Darth Vader: [pointing to a black suitcase with a white stripe that is passing by Vader and Palpatine on a luggage conveyor belt] Is that yours?
Emperor Palpatine: No! For the hundredth time, that's that same stupid black bag. Mine dosen't have a stripe. It's like that stripey bag is mocking me... Fuck you stripey bag.
Emperor Palpatine: Well, my suitcase is gone; sacrificed to the airport guards. Now I'm here for two fucking weeks with one fucking robe. Ohh! Now it's sticking to me like a wet Kleenex
Emperor Palpatine: [as a surfboard is passing by him on the Death Star luggage conveyor belt] Wow, for real?

Robot Chicken: Star Wars Episode III (2010)[edit]

Emperor Palpatine: Henceforth, you shall be known as Darth Vader.
Darth Vader: Thank you, my master.
Emperor Palpatine: Hey, before you face is really warm. Is everything okay up here?
Darth Vader: I...don't know. What do you mean?
[Palpatine removes his hood and smoke billows up. He touches his face but pulls away]
Emperor Palpatine: Ow. Ahh. Ow, my face! It's on fire!
Darth Vader: Well, a possibility that you were fighting Mace Windu, he deflected some of your Force lightning back into your face.
Emperor Palpatine: Are you kidding me? How much?
Darth Vader: A lot. I don't think there was one bolt of Force lightning that didn't bounce off Master Windu's lightsaber directly back into your face.
Emperor Palpatine: And you just sat there and watched?
Darth Vader: Turning to the Dark Side was a pretty big decision.
Emperor Palpatine: [looking into a mirror] Oh, my God! I look like I have a scrotum for a face! What am I supposed to call myself? Darth Syphilis?! If you'd made up your mind five seconds earlier, we could've ruled the galaxy and maybe I could've gotten laid one more time before I die!
Darth Vader: [backing away] I can see you're upset. I'm just gonna go slaughter those younglings.
Emperor Palpatine: Yeah, whatever.

Darth Vader: Leather....
Emperor Palpatine: Hear that, my boy gets the finest leather you got.
Darth Vader: leather
Emperor Palpatine: I see what you're going for, kind of an S&M thing
Darth Vader: Oh...and a cape....yeah...a cape would be pretty wizard...and a sweet voice box...and flashing lights...
Emperor Palpatine: Sure
Darth Vader: Built-in helicopter blades.....Remote-control flying fists
Emperor Palpatine: Can we just put this idiot under.


See also[edit]

External links[edit]

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