Robot Chicken

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This is what happens to your brain on heroin. … Any questions?

Robot Chicken is a series on Adult Swim that uses stop motion animation to make small sketches based on current events, or ad-libbed situations based off of pop culture.

Contents

Season 1[edit]

Tacos rule.

Sweet J. Presents (Pilot) [1.0][edit]

Junk in the Trunk [1.1][edit]

Say the line, Earl, or you'll get the gas.
George Bush: My name is George W. Bush and I approve this message. [Cut to a picture of a taco] Tacos rule.

Rachael Leigh Cook: [holds up an egg] This is your brain... [holds up a frying pan] and this is heroin. This is what happens to your brain on heroin. [sets down egg, and smashes it with the pan, holds up pan with egg dripping down] And this is what your body goes through. But it's not over yet. [smashes dishes] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR GRADES! TO YOUR FRIENDS! [smashes cat] TO ALL YOUR STUFF! [smashes TV screen] WHAT HAPPENS TO THE PROFITS OF YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S BAKE SALE! [smashes an old lady; runs outside] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO WORLD ECONOMY! [smashes trash can; kicks a nearby mail box before smashing it] AND YOUR BOYFRIEND GIVES YOU HERPES SIMPLEX A!! AND YOU END UP GETTING A STUPID TATTOO OF A UNICORN! [begins smashing a van a bunch of times setting off it's car alarm] ON YOUR LEFT BUTT-CHEEK THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A FIREBIRD, BUT YOU WERE TOO STRUNG OUT TO NOTICE AT THE TIME! [runs away, and home runs a puppy; police surround her]
Police Man: We just wanna help! [gets his face smashed, all the cops jump Rachael]
Rachael Leigh Cook: [smashes all the police men away] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO FAMILY VALUES! [on a building ledge] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO THE POLLEN COUNT!!! [smashes the buildings wall] Any questions? [people look at her with confused expressions] ANY QUESTIONS?!?!? [smashes herself off the building, likely to her death]

Optimus Prime: Hi, I'm Optimus Prime. What you've just seen was a dramatization of what you, your friends, and your family go through if you don't get regular prostate exams. Now we Transformers don't have organic internal organs, and can't get cancer. But you do, and you can.
Jazz: So get your butt checked out before it's too late, turkeys!
Voiceover: This has been a message from the Cybertronian Medical Association.

Host: Here's a rare blooper from that smash-hit cartoon, "Pokémon"!
Pikachu: Pikachu! Pika pika, pika pi!
Squirtle: Squirtle Squirtle! Squirtle Squirtle!
Pikachu: Pika pika, Pikachu! Pika pika!
Squirtle: Squirtle Squirtle! Squirt — What the heck am I saying?! No I mean it! This script makes no sense at all!
Pikachu: Say the line Earl, or you'll get the gas.
Squirtle: For the love of Christ kids, go read a book or something!

Nutcracker Sweet [1.2][edit]

Girl: This is me, and this is Stalin. [draws love heart] We're married.

Gold Dust Gasoline [1.3][edit]

Giraffe: So, you told them the wrong time on purpose?
Noah: Yep, God hates freaks.
Giraffe: That doesn't sound like God.
Noah: "That doesn't blah-blah-blah!"
Giraffe: Well, then, why did you let the pixie fairies on board?
Noah: [shocked] I DID?! [grabs a mallet, heads downstairs, and attempts to kill them] Get back here, you little dust tosser! [whacks three times]

Speed Racer: [not making any movement] It's important that I do not move, because if I were to move, that would add to the cost, so if I stay perfectly still, that will be preferable to moving, because animation costs money, uh-huh.

Merman: [laughing, talking to animals in boat] You guys are gonna drown, but we're a mermaid and a merman! We can swim! [Dragon bites mermaid's head off]
Dragon: I hope you can also asexually reproduce, asshole.
Merman: Crap.

Plastic Buffet [1.4][edit]

Harrison Ford: I'd like to meet the team of engineers who'll accompany me on my mission to space.
NASA Guy Actually, the remaining five spots on the flight will be filled by Aerosmith. We need a cool theme song for this mission.
Steven Tyler: I'm ready to roooock! [vomits]
Harrison Ford: My God! Did you just get off the centerfuge trainer?!
Steven Tyler: No, I just shot smack into both my eyeballs! Yeeahhoo!
[cut to a live action man]
Live Action Man: That's terrible! Steven Tyler has been clean for years! I have to write an angry letter. [changing to lispy voice] Dear assfaces...

Sean O'Keefe: [after the spaceshuttle crashes on the meteor] Fuck!!!
George W. Bush: Fuck!!!
Live Action Man: Now THAT sucks donkey dong. [the meteor destroys the Earth]

Toyz in the Hood [1.5][edit]

[Presidential Report Blooper starts]
Reporter 1: This just in: CNN calls the state of Florida for Al Gore! That means Gore has won the Presidential Election. Thank you, Jesus!
Reporter 2: Sure dodged that bullet.
[Blooper ends]
Bloopers Host: Oops.

Vegetable Fun Fest [1.6][edit]

Lucy: Just kick the ball, you block-head!
Charlie Brown: But every time I try, you just take the ball away.
Lucy: This time I won't! Come on already!
Charlie Brown: [to himself] Maybe this time she means it. I'm really gonna do it! I'm gonna kick the football! This is it! [kicks Lucy] That's for years of humiliation, bitch!

Charlie Brown: Poor Linus...
Lucy: [Insane ranting] That block-head! Everyone's a block-head! Block-head, block-head, block-head!
Police officer: [talks in the style that most Peanuts adults do] Wah wah, wah wah-wah-wah, wah wah, waaah?
Lucy: What did he say?
Charlie Brown: Ugh, I never have any idea what any adult says; it's always that "wah wah wah" crap.

Charlie Brown: This is different from the time we got lost in France, or when we almost drowned during the great river raft race. I fear just having a positive attitude with strong Christian overtones won't save us this time.
Marcie: Hold me, sir. [she and Peppermint Patty start French-kissing]
Charlie Brown: I said "strong Christian overtones"!

Charlie Brown: I'm at the end of my rope, Lucy. Everybody else is dead, besides you and me. [The Great Pumpkin eats Lucy while Charlie Brown is still talking] I thought being stuck as a pre-pubescent bald kid for 50 years couldn't get any worse. What should we do?
Great Pumpkin: You should let the Great Pumpkin eat you!

Charlie Brown: Meet the kite-eating tree, you ugly son of a bitch!

A Piece of the Action [1.7][edit]

[at the cracks of Mount Doom]
Vince Neil: Back to the fires that forged you, evil trinket! [edge breaks, plummets] Aahh! Arrgh!!
[Corey Feldman jumps down, grab Vince's hand, grapple hooks the cliff and stops their fall]
Vince: Corey! You saved me, bro.
Corey: You can burn in hell, I just want the ring. [drops down]
Vince: Corey, no! ["SPLAT!!" sound] Aw, bro!
Corey: Um friends, remember me fondly... in Stand By Me.. and in The Lost Boys.. only the fist half. [sunken down] A-a-and Friday the 13th was pretty gooh....

The Deep End [1.8][edit]

Aquaman: Listen, uh, I don't mean to be nitpicky or anything, but, um, the living room hasn't been vacuumed in weeks and...
Superman: Hey, Waterman, I was busy, you know...realigning the planet, or something.
Aquaman: But you drew vacuuming out of the job jar and everyone else...
Superman: Face it. Who's gonna save the Earth from a giant meteor while Superman's vacuuming? You? I don't think so.
Aquaman: I could. Hey!


Badunkadunk [1.10][edit]

Alien 1: Dammit, dammit, dammit! Years of planning, ruined!
Alien 2: How were we gonna take over the world with a white Michael Jackson, anyway?
Alien 1: Dammit, dammit, dammit!

Toy Meets Girl [1.11][edit]

Destro: Everyone just sort of lost interest. I think as you get older, ruling the world just seems like too much trouble.
She-Ra: Am I done yet?
Moore: You'll know, She-Ra, you'll know.

Midnight Snack [1.12][edit]

Black Midget: Yeah! Then the five-O plant the DMA evidence. You can't trust to police! One time a police take my shoeshine box. Beat me with it! My lordy!...What? Every black man on TV gots to be a posamative role model?

Dog: But the DNA evidence matched 13 out of 13 tests. The defendant is clearly guilty.
Jack: ...Uh, you're a dog, OK? So let's go over this again.

Judge: Jack Backett, you are charged with double homicide. How do you plead?
Jack: Not guilty, your honor.
Jury Foreman: This is gonna be fun! Yee-haw!
[Dog busts into the courtroom with a gun]
Guy in the courtroom: Oh my God! He's got a gun!
Dog: Nobody listened to me before! Jack must die! [Starts shooting everyone in the courtroom.]
Narrator: Tune in next time when every dog has its day.

Atta Toy [1.13][edit]

Papa Smurf and Brainy are in Vanity's house, investigating the latter's murder, in a parody of Seven.
Papa Smurf: One thing's for certain, Brainy. Vanity Smurf died the way he lived.
Brainy: Bicurious?

[Brainy Smurf enters Smurfette's house, when all of a sudden, he sees Jokey holding a box.]
Jokey: Oh, Brainy. Hi, Brainy!
Brainy: Oh, no, Jokey! Your sick sense of humor, your total disregard for smurf safety, your Se7en movie trading card collection. You're the killer!
Jokey: I got you a present!
Brainy: What's in the box, Jokey, what's in the box!?
Jokey: It's a surprise!
[Brainy opens the box.]
Brainy: Nooo!!! Oh, Smurfette, noooo!!! [The box explodes.]
Jokey: Hahaha! Surpriiiiiise!!! Mwahahahaha!!!
Brainy: What the hell is wrong with you?

Homer Simpson: Morning Apu, one order of Freedom Fries, please?
Apu: Oh, for the love of my heathen God. They're called french fries, you fat, stupid American!
Guy: Department Of Homeland Security, don't move!
Apu: What?!
[The Department Of Homeland Security guys point their guns at Apu, then shows The Simpsons family at a barbeque.]
Simpsons: Happy birthday America!
Marge Simpson: I hope Apu has learned his lesson.
[Scene then changes to a naked Apu chained to the neck by Lynndie England in a detention prison]
Apu: I am so sorry I ever dared question the wisdom and strength of the United States of America.
Lynndie England: Damn straight! Yee-ha!

Joint Point [1.14][edit]

Bone-Chiling Villain: Gahahahaaaa! Sorry little girl, but Queen Beryl needs your life force to take over the planet earth! Gahahahaaaa!
Luna: Serena, change into Sailor Moon quickly!
Serena: Right! Moon Prism Power! *Sigh*
[Transforms into Sailor Moon]
Sailor Moon: In the name of the moon, I will punish... Oh my god!!!
Bone-Chiling Villain: Hahahaaaa!!!
Luna: HMMMM!
Bone-Chiling Villain:( whispers) What? What is it? OH MAN!! [Picks the lid and closes into the penis.]
AUGH UH! I-I-I-I don't know why how that happen!
Sailor Moon: Well... Geez!
Bone-Chiling Villain: I'm so sorry! That's is so disrespectful of me!
Bone-Chiling Villain: You are pretty hot though!
Sailor Moon: Should... should we still fight, because I don't really want to anymore!
Bone-Chiling Villain: A-A-AWW! You know what, the moment definitely past!
Sailor Moon: Alright! S-See you next time man!
Bone-Chiling Villain: Nah! Sure! Okay! Um-Um- Another time!

Bone-Chiling Villain: Queen Beryl, I have failed to bring her Sailor Moon's life force!
Queen Beryl: You Fool! Your uttering confidence is dwarfed only by your sheer stupidity! EWW!!!
Bone-Chiling Villain: AUGH UH I-I'm sorry your majesty it's just... I kinda like it when you yell at me! I-It's Hot!! [Zaps & fell down.]

Queen Beryl: Soon I will have your life force, Sailor Moon, and my plan to rule the earth will come to fruition! [Notices her erection.] Oh...anime sure is weird!


Nightmare Generator [1.16][edit]

[The A-Team are about to take off in a helicopter.]
B.A.: I ain't flyin', Hannibal! No way, no how!
Hannibal: That sounds perfectly reasonable B.A., now calm down and have some nice milk.
B.A.: [drinks glass of milk] Mmm, milk, Good for the bones, good for the kids. I pity the fool who ain't got no calcium in his diet!
[Murdock drops a huge TV on B.A.]
Faceman: Murdock, we drugged the milk! You didn't have to hit him over the head!
[Next scene, aboard the helicopter]
Murdock: Hey, you know years of drugged milk can lead to severe side effects like Severe lactose intolerance.
[The unconscious B.A. begins farting up a storm]
Faceman: Damn it, the windows won't roll down!
Hannibal: This is gonna be a long flight...

Operation: Rich In Spirit [1.17][edit]

Daphne: Gosh, Freddy, are we really going to go all the way?
Fred: If one more person says something about my ascot, I'll — damn, it's fashionable!

Fred: I suggest we split up. Shaggy and Scooby, you check the campground. Velma, you check the woods. Daphne and I will check out the bunkhouse and have some of that nice mating until you get back.
Phyllis Diller: Mate? You? With her? But with that dickey, you couldn't even bag an old bag like me! [laughs]
Fred: [slaps her] It's an ascot, you old whore! An ascot!
Phyllis Diller: [punches Fred] Well, your "ascot" laid out by this old whore, dickey.

Shaggy: Man, I am one sad dog-food-eating hippie.

Velma: The virgin always lives the longest in these horror movies. Gosh, my life sucks!
Don Knotts: You think your life sucks? One of my apartment tenants might be a flaming homo! [audience laughs] And that ain't all - somebody killed me! [falls down dead with a knife in his back]

Velma: Now let's see who you really are. [Unmaskes Jason] Old Man Phillips?! But why?
Phillips: Spanish doubloons in that lake! Thousands as far as the eye can see! It would have been all mine, if it weren't for you meddling kids!
Velma: A-a bunch of coins?! My friends are all dead! They're dead, and I'm still a virgin! A virgin!!
Phillips: Y'know... we can fix that.

The Sack/Adultizzle Swizzle [1.18][edit]

Stix the Rabbit: Ooh! Stix cereal! I gotta have some!
Boy & Girl: Silly rabbit, Stix are for kids!
Stix the Rabbit: Just give me a little!
Girl: He touched me inappropriately!
[Stix gets sent to jail. In Jail, Stix rabbit meets Cookie Criminal]
Cookie Criminal: Couldn't lay off the sugar right?
Stix the Rabbit: [crying] But I can't help myself. My mother ate sugar when she was pregnant with me!
Cookie Criminal: You wanna control the sugar? Stop using and start selling. Here, hook this guy up when you're out.
Officer: Rabbit, you're out.
Stix the Rabbit: Really? But its only been an hour!
Officer: You in Alabama foo', an hour's all you get for touchin' a child
[Cut to a scene there a Gudie and Stix Rabbit going around in the jungle]
Toucan Sam: Selling's a dangerous business rabbit! Had to kill the Fruit Brute, Yummy Mummy, even the Cinnamonkey!
Toucan Sam: Well, just follow my snout. It's never in doubt.
Jungle Guide: (whispers to Stix) A snout that big, it should know more than Einstein. Heh! Heh!
Toucan Sam: KILL THAT RABBIT!
[All the refugees around Toucan Sam shoot the guide rapidly. We then see a few chiefs made Sugar]
Stix the Rabbit: [referring to the cocaine] Wow! Do you have any idea how rich am I going to be selling this cocaine...SUGAR! [realized and telling the audience] I meant to say 'SUGAR'! Okay! (long pause) There!
[After Stix the rabbit uses sugar to get money wee see children eats suger instead for chocolate, a Bee is used as leverantor. The Stix Rabbit and the Leprechaun are sitting naked in the spa.]
Leprechaun: I tell ya, the bleeding boys were following me around, and one little brasser says, "We're after your charms." And so I says, "Forget about me blue diamonds, and worry about me blue balls, ya whore!" Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Stix the Rabbit: Ha, ha, ha. Oh, yeah. I never have any idea what you're saying.
[Stix Rabbit's assistant steps into the scene.]
Assistant: (Whispering in Rabbit's ear) Bad news, boss: the Rice Boys are talking to the cops.
Stix the Rabbit: (standing up with his censored tube out) Men are always talking!
[Scene cuts to the Rice Boys sitting down and talking to the police officer in a dark room.]
Crackle: Okay, okay, I'll crack!
Snap: I'll crinkle!
Pop: I'll plop!
Crackle: The Stix Rabbit made us sell the stuff!
Officer: Uh...we only brought you in 'cuz someone turned in your wallet.
[Officer holds up wallet. All the Rice Boys look nervous.]
Pop: Heh...Must-must've lost it.
[Scene Cuts to Tony the Tiger and Capitan Crunch shooting the police]
Tony The Tiger: Use the hollow-point bullets. They're G-r-r-r-roovy!
Capn' Crunch: Their bones will stay crunchy even when it's soaked in blood! Ha ha!
[Then the cops first kill the two assistants, then Captain Crunch, Then the police kill Tony the Tiger, who is falling down]
Stix the Rabbit: Don´t Shoot! I give up!
Policeman 1: He is giving up! Shoot him!
[Policemen start shooting on him, and Stix Rabbit is soon in heaven]
Stix the Rabbit: (Sees a Box of Stix Cereal) Yes! Finally!
[An Angel appears and says]
Angel: Silly rabbit, Stix are for kids!
Stix Rabbit: Noooooooooo!

That Hurts Me [1.19][edit]

In case you were wondering, the answer was The Da Vinci Code.
Devil: [to three guys in lava pool] That'll teach you to vote for Nader! [All of the sudden, hell freezes over] What the hell?!
[In a bedroom...]
Nerd (in a singsong voice): I got laid! I got laid! I got laid!
Hot girl: What can I say? Nerds are hot.
Nerd (still singing): Gettin' on a message board, gonna tell the internet! Laid! Laid! Laid! L-a-y-e-d! Laid! Laid! Laid! Laid! [hangs from the ceiling] Laid! Laid! Laid! Laid!
Hot girl:: Mmm, hot.

Freddy Krueger: If Ghostface got voted out, take it from Freddy, that would be a dream come true. Ha ha ha ha! You get it? Ha ha ha ha! A dream! Ha ha ha ha! I kill people in their nightmares. That is what I do, that's my thing.

Freddy Kreuger: Fighting boredom is the hardest part of living in the Big Brother house. [Jason Voorhes playing charades, mimes TV, a robot, and a chicken] In case you were wondering, the answer was The Da Vinci Code.

Doug: I hope I land on Keira Knightley's underwear!
Budda:[sighs) Everyone wishes for that.
[Later]
Doug:[To Keira Knightley) I was almost your underwear, ya know.

Timmy: (when kid 2 gets done raking leaves, he jumps into the pile) Ha ha jerkass! (hits a hidden fire hydrant)
Kid 2: I got you, Timmy!
Timmy: I...can't feel my arms and legs.

The Black Cherry [1.20][edit]

Britney Spears: You can have my black cherry Justin. ..... ow, my butt!

Robot Chicken Christmas Special [1.21][edit]

Gohan: Dad, could you kick an angel's butt?
Goku: You're dang right I could.
Gohan: Is that Santa on the roof?
Goku: Well if not, I got a present for him. [racks handgun slide, Santa falls hard out of the chimney]
Gohan: Santa, Santa!
Santa: Oh! My hurting knee, Oh, dang! Gosh! Dog scrotum! Get it out of Heaven that hurts like a person!
Gohan: Dad, what's a scrotum?
Goku: Uh... er... heh. So, uh Santa, what happened?
Santa: Bandits, Goku; they stole my reindeer, and all the presents... and my pants!

The Nutcracker: Ha ha ha, Christmas is ours!
Reindeer: You'll never get away with this!
Composite Santa: Ho, ho, ho! (Makes a fist) I've got five good reasons for you to quiet down: (Pulls out a gun and shoots the reindeer five times) One, two, three-four-five!

Gohan: Dad, who are those guys?
Goku: Kung fu legends. That's the Little Drummer Boy; his mystical drum conjures summon demons most foul. The Nutcracker; he knows over 100 different testicle-based attacks. And Composite Santa Claus, who looks like one half Santa and one half Frosty the Snowman.
Gohan: What are Composite Santa's powers?
Goku: I don't know, but he freaks me right the heck out.
Composite Santa: Intruders!!!
Little Drummer Boy: I will conquer the demon with my magical drum! Hahahaha!! [he fights playing the drums and drops the sticks]

Reindeers: [After seeing Goku and Gohan's Kamehameha, killing two reindeers, making like a path] Holy guacamole!!!!
Composite Santa: [Composite Santa is vertically cut in half by the Kamehameha blast] Temperatures over 32 degrees farenheit... my only weakness! [Composite Santa dies]

Reindeer 1: It's payback time! Let's beat her up so bad, her kids will inherit the bruises!
Reindeer 2: Yeah, we'll hit her so hard, she'll starve to death rolling!
Reindeer 1: She's so ugly, we'll push her face in dough and make gorilla biscuits!
Reindeer 2: She so black, when she go to night school, teacher mark her absent!
Santa: Tha-that-that's still my wife, guys.

Santa: [Referring to the mutated Mrs. Santa] She's grown too gigantic and unstable! Women.... am I right, fellas? -->

Season 2[edit]

Suck It [2.1][edit]

Mike Lazzo: Hi y'all! I'm Adult Swim president Mike Lazzo. The decision of the council is now fixin' to be heard.
Peter Griffin: Guilty!
Space Ghost: Guilty.
Master Shake: Oh ho, you're so-o frickin' guilty.
Seth Green: [screen starts to fly away into space] "Nooooooo!!!! Aggghhh — !! [screen crashes onto a UFO]
Alien 1: I think we hit something.
Alien 2: Dammit, dammit, dammit!
Seth Green: Aggghh!! [falls down onto his seat on the link set from You Can't Do That On Robot Chicken] Ummff!
Keith Crofford: [now cleaned up from having been slimed in the earlier installment of "YCDTORT"] Hey Seth, what happened to you?"
Seth Green: I don't know. [Seth gets green slimed as audience laughs]
Keith Crofford: [laughs as Seth wipes the slime out of his eyes] You're renewed.
[Seth, still covered in slime, looks into the camera and grins.]

Skater McGee: And now I'm off to the next town to kill more teenagers.
Mayor: You're doing God's work, Skater McGee.

Mr. Potato Head: [to Mrs. Potato Head after she gives birth to a carrot] You whore!

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. [everyone drops their stones, Jesus then hits the prisoner with his stone] Blammo!

Federated Resources [2.2][edit]

Jerk: [ as J.K. Rowling is going through trash, looking for food, Manchester, England 1989] J.K. Rowling.
J.K. Rowling: Cor blimey! Are you an angel?
Jerk: I am from the future. In fifteen years time, you will be a best selling children's book author, whose net worth is more than one billion american dollars!
J.K. Rowling: I had an idea about a boy wizard.
Jerk: No! Your books will be about uh-a magical racoon with an afro. His name is Squiggles and he shoots pixie dust out of his bunghole!
J.K Rowling: Thank you, I'll start right away!
Jerk: Haha [ placard: "Dicks with Time Machines"]

Guy: It's Moses, he's back!
Moses: God has blessed me with ten irrefutable commandments for living.
Guy: Is there anything on there about not pushing your religion on other people?
Moses: …No.
Guy: Didn't think so.
Moses: Number one: he who smelt it, dealt it. [Everyone laughs.] Wha? What's so funny? Stop it. Stop laughing! [The time-travelling jerk is sitting behind him holding a hammer and chisel.]

[Woman looks badly beaten up.]
Woman: I...uh...I-I walked into a door.
Salesman: Well then, can I interest you in our line of Nerf Doors?
Woman's husband: What about stairs? She's gonna need some Nerf Stairs too.

[after Hitler's footage of his constipation ends the war]

Dick: Heh heh...douche.

["Heroes with Time Machines"]


Easter Basket [2.3][edit]

Barney the Dinosaur: I love you. You love me.
Girl: But I'm not in love with you.

Fred: Eh Barney-boy, this is the life!
Barney: You said it, Fred! An entire civilization not wearin' underwear! Y'gotta love it!
Fred: [Door knocks] Now who could that be? [Barney laughs]
Delivery Man: Hi, I'm Mr. Rock from FedEx Stone. I got a delivery for Fred Flintstone from AmazonBoulder.Com-Pebble. [sighs] Look, sometimes, the rock puns don't fit too well, buddy. Do you want the package or not?
Fred: [reads a letter that came with the package] "Dear Fred, I hope this distracted you long enough. Signed, Barney. P.S. I invented paper. Bitchin'!" [looks over to Barney who tries to sneak out with a box of Fruity Pebbles] Barney! My pebbles!

Barney: [burying Fred's corpse] Dammit, Fred, I just wanted some of your fucking cereal.
Bird: [being used as a shovel] Oh, his head always was full of rocks.
Barney: [gasps] A witness! [kills shovel-bird and runs back into the house] Witnesses! The dishwasher!
Octopus: My goodness Cretacious!
Barney: The record player!
Bird: He's off his rocker!
Barney: The bidet!
Turtle: Oh man, the things I've witnessed...
[The audience screams as Barney grabs the bird and pulls a pig's tail.]
Pig: Is he stone-cold crazy? You bet Jurassic!
Barney: No more puns! [he stuffs the bird into the pig's mouth and laughs evilly.]

Barney the Dinosaur: (now in a street at night standing next to a female smoker) I love you, you love me.
Smoker: Either way, it's 50 bucks.

Barney the Dinosaur: [in prison; sobbing] I love you...*sniff* You love me...
Cellmate: Damn right.

Man: Sit, Ubu, sit. Bad dog. [gunshot]

Celebrity Rocket [2.4][edit]

Man: [fleeing a vampire in his car, he turns to look in his mirror and because he cannot see the vampire's reflection thinks he's fallen off] Ahh, must have lost him. [brakes hard causing the vampire to run into the back of the car and collapse to the ground] You know, while I'm out, I might as well get some milk.[throws the car in reverse running over the vampire's face, not crushing it] Wait a second, I have milk at home. [Speeds forward, the tire peels skin off the vampires face and drags the corpse behind the car] La la la, gonna have some milk! La la la....

Dragon Nuts [2.5][edit]

Bill Gates: Hi, I'm Bill Gates. I heard you take insane bets and wondered if you'd be my ass slave for a billion dollars.
Adult: [Sigh.] I'll get my coat.

Boy: [With pants down, holding a laptop computer.] I was only halfway done! Halfway done!
Announcer: There has been a breakout in Boston in which a virus wipes out and deletes all the porn out there; and here is President Bush to address this issue...
President Bush: And I, the president of the United States have only one thing to say to you guys: Come on, man, it's not funny. Give us back our porn!

1987 [2.6][edit]

Palpatine: Ha ha ha ha, so I threw the senate at him. The whole senate! True story!
Mas Amedda: Oh my God, that is so funny!
Sim Aloo: You made it [Milk from the carton in his hand] come out of my nose!
Palpatine: [His phone rings] Go for papa Palpatine.
Operator: You have a collect call from - [Vader's voice] Darth Vader.
Palpatine: [Sighs.] Oh, I-I gotta take this, hold on. Vader! How's my favorite Sith? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, just, slow down. Huh? What do you mean they blew up the Death Star? Fuck! OH, FUCK! FUCK! FUUUCK! Who's they?! What the heck is an "Aluminium Falcon"?! [Sighs.] Okay, okay, s-so who's left? Are you fucking me?! Well where are you? Wait a sec, you've been flying around for two weeks trying to get a signal? Oh, you must smell like...feet wrapped in leathery...burnt...bacon. [Holds phone back as if Vader's yelling] Oh, oh, oh, I'm, I'm sorry I thought my Dark Lord of the Sith could protect a small thermal exhaust port that's only two meters wide! That thing wasn't even fully paid off yet! Do you have — do you have any idea what this is gonna do to my credit? [Phone rings.] Ah, hang on, I've got another call. [Switches line.] What?! I'm very busy right now! Oh. Oh, we-well where're they going? Oh. Alright, um, just get me a turkey club. Uh, cole slaw, I guess. I-I'm not even gonna eat it. W-w-what're you getting? No, see, I-I always order the wrong thing. No, no, no, I'll just stick with that. Okay, bye — wait, what? Oh, a Cherry Coke. Thanks. [Switches back to Vader.] Sorry about that. [Sighs.] What? Oh-oh, "just rebuild it"? Oh, re-real fucking original. And who's gonna give me a loan, jackhole, you? Y-you got an ATM on that torso Lite-Brite? Now get your seven-foot-two asthmatic ass back here or I'm gonna tell everyone what a whiny bitch you were about "Padamamay" or "Panda Bear" or whatever the heck her name was! Oh geez, he's crying! Ha, ha...hey, hey, hey, hey, c'mon. C'mon, don't do that. Just, just, look, ah, y'know, I'm dealing with a lot of stuff right now. Eh, Death Star blown up by a bunch of fucking teenagers, y'know? I didn't mean to snap. [makes jacking off gesture] Oh, oh, j-just get back here. Okay, okay, bye. I-I-yeh-I...I love you too. [Note: Also appears on Robot Chicken: Star Wars]

Senator: Pan-Global Oil keeps dumping sludge into the Atlantic Ocean!
Ted Turner: That burns my ass!
Senator: Forget it, Ted, there's nothing you can do.
Ted Turner: Maybe I can't, but Captain Planet can! [One of the members show that Ted's crazy]
Captain Planet: [in restroom, Ted is changing into Captain Planet] Captain Planet... [man enters, sees Ted, then walks away]

[scene change to the office, Captain Planet runs by]

Captain Planet: CAPTAIN PLANET! [scene changes to the streets.] CAPTAIN PLANET!! [runs past a guy who is holding an aluminum can with a trash can and a recycling can near him; he throws the can in the trash; Captain Planet notices and kicks the man in the face.] CAPTAIN PLANET!

[scene changes to Pan-Global Oil Headquarters, where two senators are talking.]

Senator 1: Where are we gonna dump our sludge next?
Senator 2: Well, the Grand Canyon could hold a lot of sludge.
Senator 1: Oh, it sure could.
Senator 2: Yeah, let's sludge the hell out of the Grand Canyon.
Senator 1: Yeah. [notices something offscreen] Hey, is that Ted Turner?
Senator 2: [also notices something, it is Captain Planet on a zipline headed for their office.] Yeah, what the hell is he doing?
Senator 1: I dunno, he's on one of those ziplines.
Senator 2: Oh, yeah, is that what they call "ziplines"?
Senator 1: Yeah, ziplines.
Senator 2: Oh, I never thought — [Captain Planet breaks through the window, knocking away Senator 1 and embedding glass in Senator 2's eye.]
Captain Planet: CAPTAIN PLANET!
Senator 2: You got glass in my eye!
Captain Planet: And my foot in your balls! [kicks him in the balls] CAPTAIN PLANET! [holds the senator out the window threatening to drop him]
Senator 2: What do you want Mr. Turner?!
Captain Planet: To sign this agreement to not dump any more sludge and I'll let you go.
Senator 2: Okay, okay! [the senator signs the agreement]
Captain Planet: This appears to be in order. [drops him] CAPTAIN PLANET! [the senator falls, screaming, to the ground, where he lands in a dumpster and is killed instantly.]
Captain Planet: Protect the environment, or I'll fucking kill you! CAPTAIN PLANET! -->

Cracked China [2.7][edit]

Pikachu: Pikachu!
Jigglypuff: Jigglypuff!
Pikachu: [defeats Jigglypuff with a Thunderbolt] Chu chu chu! Pika pika!
Ash: Back in your Poké Ball, Pikachu. [Pikachu goes back inside its Poké Ball]
Misty: I wonder what it's like inside those Poké Balls?
Ash: I wonder when you'll shut up and make my dinner!

Gary: Would you ready to battle, Ass?
Ash: [growls] My name is Ash! Pikachu, I choose you! [echoes Pikachu, I choose you! You! You! You!]

[Charizard roars]
Ash: Go get 'em, Pikachu!
Pikachu: Pikachu. [Subtitle: Douche]

-->

Voices: Braaains... braiiins...
Man:Are you radioactive zombie mutants, or survivors, thanking the only thing that's kept you alive?
Voices: [after a pause] Zombies.
Man: Okay.
Voices: Didn't feel right to lie to you.

E.T.'s Mom: He said he would phone me but he hasn't phoned. He knows how I worry.

Rodigitti [2.8][edit]

Leonardo: Oh, no! I just cowabunga'd in my pants!
Raphael: Barfaroonie! I hope you're wearing adult undergarments!
Leonardo: It depends!

Michelangelo: Dudes, where's Splinter?
[Splinter is using his cane to lift a nurse's skirt]
Nurse: Um, what are you doing?
Splinter: Looking for Shredder. No, not here. [smiles]

Elmer Phudd: I'm takin' you to school, call me the professor
You're sexually confused, 'cause you a cross-dresser.
You like to kiss men, that's real funny.
Call up Hugh Hefner, you a gay-boy bunny.
You're lost on this stage. You need a map jerky.
You made a wrong left turn on Albuquerque.
I'm a pimp because my hunting apparel's hot son.
It was wiped by on your ho with my double barrel shotgun. [shoots at B Rabbit with his double barrel shotgun]
Daffy Duck: Now hold on a second, man! It's not rabbit hunting season yet! See! [Points at the sign that says "Wabbit Season (Not Yet)"] Okay! [Gives the mic to B Rabbit] Your turn, B Rabbit!
B Rabbit: Yo, er, yo, er... Heh-heh-heh-heh [Hears from the audience, then finally comes up with something] Yeah, yeah.
[Singing] I know that you call me wascawwy wabbit.
Say your R's like W's that's a really bad habit.
It's room, not woom. Trees, not twees.
You replace so many R's, I thought you was Chinese.
You're so stuck on yourself, I'll call you Elmer's glue.
I got you some coffee, one lump or two?
Elmer Phudd: Two?
[B Rabbit hits him on the head twice with a mallet]
B Rabbit: I only dress like a girl, to prove that you're gay.
Would you like a kiss handsome?
Elmer Phudd: Really? OK!
B Rabbit: Elmer packs "fudd". You heard what I said.
He's so bald, I'll put a "hare" on his head. [B Rabbit sits on Phudd's head]
I'll sit down on your head. Just like I was a thinker. Hmm.
[He farts while sitting down on his head] Ain't I a stinker?

DJ Bacon Bits: Th-th-th-that's all, b-b-bitches!

Massage Chair [2.9][edit]

Doctor: Mr. President, your vitals seem to be all right, there is however one thing thought, your midichlorian count is extremely high.
Bush: Does that mean I'm one of them- whata call 'em- Jedis? [thinks then uses the force to pull down the doctors pants] Heheheheheheh.
[scene change to Bush and his wife in bed]
Laura Bush: Oh not tonight, I'm tired honey.
Bush: [mind trick] You're not tired, you wanna have a threesome.
Laura Bush: [eyes widen] I'm not tired, I want to have a threesome.
Bush: [picks up telephone] Get me Condi! Heheheheh.
[scene change to a parking lot at McDonalds; Bush is about to park when Bill Clinton takes his spot]
Clinton: Awww, sorry W, Big Mac attack! Yeeeeeeeheeeew! [Bush is angry and uses the force to drop Clinton and his car in a nearby lake] Hey, what the dilly?
Bush: Heheheheheheh!
[scene change to George Bush using lightsaber to carve the words "W wuz hear" into the Lincoln Memorial] Heheh, saber beats rock.
[statue lifts up revealing Abraham Lincoln]
Bush: What the hell?
Lincoln: Who dares disturb my slumber?
Bush: Who dares question my...daring...of...his dare?...Jerk!
Lincoln: It is I...I who freed the slaves...I who-
Bush: Boring! Let's fight! [Lincoln draws a lightsaber and they begin the fight, Bush corners Lincoln]
Lincoln: If you strike me down, I shall become — [Bush raises his saber for the kill] No, wait a minute, lemme finish — [gets sliced and dies like Obi-Wan Kenobi in A New Hope'] Agghhh!
Bush: That'll teach you, George Washington!
[scene change to Cloud City where Darth Vader tells Luke Skywalker he is his father]
Bush: Jenna, get over here right now! I am your father!
Jenna: [on the thing Luke was on] That's not true! That's impossible! My real father would let me go clubbing as late as I want! [flips him off]
Bush: Why you little — [slices off her middle finger]
Jenna: Owwww!
Bush: No baby, I'm sorry!
Jenna: [she falls] Arrggghh, [distant] you suck!
Bush: Nooooooooooo —
[scene change to Bush asleep on his desk; he wakes up]
Bush: Wa- Was it all just a dream?
Senator: [rushes in] Mr. President, we still haven't found any weapons of mass destruction!
Bush: [tries to do a mind trick] You have found weapons of mass destruction.
Senator: Uhh...hi. We haven't.
Bush: [tries again] You have.
Senator: [sighs] Uh, I don't know what you're doing.
Bush: [still waving his hand] Bring me a taco.
Senator: Yes sir. [runs out of the office]
Bush: Heheheh, tacos rule.

Password: Swordfish [2.10][edit]

Ron: Harry, I'm scared!
Harry: You're always scared, you chicken shit!
Ron: I can’t help it! I’m a scared, pimple-faced, red-headed, chicken shit virgin!

Harry: What are we going to do?
Hermione: Let’s ask Hagrid for help.
Harry: Don’t be ridiculous, Hermione. We need to confront the terrible horror ourselves and potentially end up hospitalized, like always.

Hermione: Professor Snape, Harry and Ron were cursed by the monster Pubertus.
Snape: Pubertus eh? Let's discuss this further in my magical jacuzzi. Barry Whitus, Candle Lightus. Girl Excitus!
Snape: So... shall we play "Put the Sorting Hat on the Slytherine?"
Hermione: Pedophilius Repellus!

Draco Malfoy: Look Potter, I taught the Sorting Hat a new trick. [he places it onto Harry Potter's head]
Sorting Hat: Virgin.
[Students laugh]
Malfoy: Looks like Potter is "He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Laid." Heheh. Guess the monster Pubertus hasn't quite caught up with you yet, huh?
Hermione: Ugh, Pubertus is just a myth, Malfoy!
[Malfoy places the hat on Hermione's Head]
Sorting Hat: Second base!
[Students gasp]

Cheer Bear: We did it!! We killed all the Care Bear cousins!
All Care Bears: Hooray for murder!
Cheer Bear: Now let us celebrate our genocide! Get your party on!
Care Bear: Whooo!!! Everyone eat some rainbow!
Another Care Bear: Mmmm...that's good rainbow. [sky darkens and lightning flashes] Jesus fucking Christ! IT'S the great Cloud Keeper in the sky!
Cloud Keeper: Care Bears! I have watched you actions with great displeasure!
Cheer Bear: But, we purified the land of Care-a-Lot!
Cloud Keeper: For your dark and terrible deeds, I shall turn Care-a-Lot into a dark and terrible place. A hell on Earth; I shall turn Care-a-Lot into...[lightning]...New Jersey! [transformation begins and cuts to a mayors desk]
New Jersey Mayor: Hello. I'm New Jersey's Governor John Corzine. I hope you've enjoyed this reenactment of our state's proud history: The Garden State. [eats some rainbow] Come get in on some of this rainbow.

Adoptions an Option [2.11][edit]

[Waving goodbye to Elliot.]
E.T.: Be good.
Elliot: Good-goodbye E.T.
E.T.: E.T. home.
Alien #1: Oh my God! Look everyone, that retard we ditched on Earth somehow found his way home!
E.T.: E.T. phoned home.
Alien #2: What the hell are you calling yourself "E.T." for, spaz? Your name is Kleeborp. Kleeborp the retard!
Alien #3: Yeah, Kleeborp the retard with only one glowing finger.
Aliens #1, #2, #3: Ha, Ha! [shows all glowing fingers]
E.T.: [gives them his glowing middle finger]
Alien #1: Oh, now you're fucking dead. [Aliens grab E.T.]
E.T.: [Screams like a girl]
Alien #1: And next time, stay lost, loser!!!
E.T.: [Looks at Xenomorph from Alien] Friend.

Fast-food Worker: [Practicing to himself at a drive-through window] Would you like fries with that? Would you like fries with that? Would you like fries with that? [Car pulls up] Uh, excuse me! Would you like flies with that? [realizing his mistake] Ahhhh dammit! Dammit!!

Dr. Claw: With Skynet online, Gadget is under my complete control! And I'll use him to wipe out my true nemesis - that meddlesome twelve-year-old niece of his!
Penny: Brain, that's still Uncle Gadget. We need to remember that deep down inside — [Gadget appears in front of their car] Aggh! Ram that son of a bitch!!!

Metal Militia [2.12][edit]

Murky: If only we had Rainbow Brite's magic star sprinkles, we'd turn the whole world gray!
Bartender: Guys, every night with this. What's so great about turning the world gray anyway?
Lurky: Well, it's really more of a metaphor.
Owner: [whips out a cigarette lighter] If you wanna do something evil, arson is pretty evil.
Murky: [punches bartender] Shut up!
Lurky: I say we break into Rainbow Brite's place and take all the star sprinkles we want!
[Later, at Rainbow Brite's house, Murky and Lurky scour the house looking for star sprinkles]
Murky: [looking under the bed] None here, what's under the sink?
Lurky: Tampons!
[A noise at the door]
Murky: Uh oh, Game over man! Game over! Rainbow Brite's gonna kick our asses if she finds us in here!
Rainbow Brite: Oh, good God! What a day! [farts] Damn! I was holding that in for hours. [grabs a beer bottle and slumps on the couch to watch TV] Hahaha! Black people are so much funnier than white people. Damn! I am effin' starvin'!
[She grabs a frozen Sprite out of the fridge and puts it in the microwave. Murky and Lurky try to escape but Lurky trips over a pile of magazines, and Rainbow Brite notices them]
Rainbow Brite: Intruders!
Murky: Let's get the fuck outta here, man!
[Rainbow Brite uses a chainsaw and kills Lurky & Murky, splattering everything in the living room with blood. The next day, Rainbow Brite addresses the Color Kids and Sprites...]
Rainbow Brite: Dear Citizens of Rainbow Land, We have changed our ways and are moving to Tibet to help fight Chinese tyranny. Signed, Murky and Lurky."
Buddy Blue: I knew those guys weren't so bad.
Romeo Sprite: Um, has anyone seen my cousin Blinky? He hasn't been around lately.
Rainbow Brite: Um... "P.S.: Blinky came with us."
[The Color Kids and Sprites nod to each other, and Rainbow Brite winks at the viewers]

-->

Gene Okerlund: And Hitler takes a flaming chair to the spine in what will surely go down in history as one of Wrestlemania's greatest moments! Sergeant Schultz do you have any comment?
Sergeant Schultz: I know NOTHING!
Bomb-Diffusing Robot: This is some serious bullshit.

Veggies for Sloth/Blankets in a Pig [2.13][edit]

Archie: What if you can't avoid the Grim Reaper?
Betty: Who's he, he sounds dreamy!
Reggie: Blondes are dumb whores! [Everybody laughs]

Betty: Come with me Archie, I'm sweet and innocent.
Veronica: Come with me Archie, I'm rich and easy.
Archie: [thinking about it] I choose...
[Betty crosses the street and gets hit by a bus. Veronica looks hopeful at Archie.]
Archie: [still thinking about it, completely oblivious to what just happened] Still deciding...
[Veronica groans]

Moose: Duh Ms. Grundy, what's a haiku?
Ms. Grundy: It's a kind of poem.
Moose: Duh, what's death?
Ms. Grundy: Oh Moose, just make yours about football.

Man: [sitting on top of a chimney] Hey baby, Merry Christmas. Yes, I know I said I'd stop calling but it's the holidays and I just wanted to say how happy I am that you found someone new. Is he there right now? Oh the whole family is there opening presents. Well that's just great because I have a present for you. [starts cutting his head off, which falls through chimney]
People in the House: Oh God! Santa?

-->

Alien #1: Oh dear, our fleets are being destroyed!
Alien #2: Will help ever arrive? [Buck Rogers comes in]
Buck Rogers: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Did someone call for a hero?
Alien #1: Oh, thank goodness! Fuck Rogers is finally here!
Buck Rogers: What.. did you just call me?
Alien #1: Fuck!
Alien #2: Fuck Rogers!
Buck Rogers: [goes near Alien #1:] My name is Buck. Buck Rogers.
Alien #3: The Robots are through the south defenses! Fuck Rogers, we need your help immediately!
Buck Rogers: [annoyed groaning]
Alien #1: It's Buck!
Buck Rogers: My name is Buck, not Fuck! What's with you aliens?!
Alien #4: Fuck!
Buck Rogers: It's Buck! Damn what the — it's Buck! Buck! Buck! BUCK!
Alien #4: What are you talking about?! I've been shot! Fuck, it hurts! [dies]
Alien #5: Welcome, Fuck!
Alien #1: [as Buck gets annoyed:] It's Buck!
Buck Rogers: THAT DOES IT!! [gets gun out and starts shooting at the aliens]
Aliens: [getting shot:] Fuck, Motherfucker!
Buck Rogers: Fuck you!
Alien #3: Wait! Wait! [gets shot]
Buck Rogers: Fuck you! Fuck you and you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

[Wipe fade to Wilma Deering and Twikky having a conversation]

Wilma: You really told all the aliens that Buck's name was Fuck? [chuckles]
Twikky: Bidi-Bidi-Bidi, I was attempting human comedy.

Sausage Fest [2.14][edit]

[A giraffe is sinking in quicksand, struggling to get out.]
Giraffe: Uh-oh.
["Stage One: Denial"]
Giraffe: It's no big deal. It's probably not even quicksand. I'm gonna have a good laugh about this tonight with the guys. [Laughs nervously.]
["Stage Two: Anger"]
Giraffe: Well, this is just fucking perfect!! Stupid quicksand! Stupid jungle! Ah! I wanna bite someone in the face! Motherfucker!!!!! Motherfucker!!!!!! Motherfuck!!!!!!! Ahh! Fuck!!! That stupid jungle! Uhh!! Fuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!!!
["Stage Three: Bargaining"]
Giraffe: Are you there, God? It's me, Giraffe. Li-listen if you could just give me a mulligan on this quicksand thing, I promise, I promise, no more peeing on your shorter creatures. [Laughs nervously.] We got a deal?
["Stage Four: Depression"]
Giraffe: [Screams and cries.] MOMMY!!
["Stage Five: Acceptance"]
Giraffe: You know somethin'? I'm cool with this. I-I bet, I bet heaven has all the tender leaves I can eat and everyone gets their own Slurpee machine. Yeah! Take me sweet death! I await your loving embrace! [The sinking stops.] What? I think I hit the bottom. [The giraffe struggles with no avail.] Fuck...

Cyclops: Look sharp Team!
Professor Xavier: Remember my X-Men, use extreme caution. This is the most dangerous mission yet!
Cyclops: Right Professor! [the Sentinel they are fighting blasts them with its lasers and then stomps them into oblivion]
Professor Xavier: Welcome recruits, although we had to lower our standards thanks to the shortage of actual mutants, the danger you're facing will be no less real! You'll be defending a world that hates and fears you!
Larvell Jones: What?! Hate and fear us, because we're mutants?
Professor Xavier: No, because you were in the Police Academy movies.
Professor Xavier: [passes by the group, as Larvell makes squeaking noises] The hell's wrong with this chair? And it seems it's missing someone.
Carey Mahoney: [crashes in with a jet] Sorry I'm late!
Professor Xavier: MAHONEEEEEEEYYYYY!

Professor Xavier: It seems some mischief-maker has gone to great lengths to hide a prostitute underneath my podium. Unfortunately, I'm paralyzed from the waist down, and her enthusiastic efforts are for naught. As I was saying, the X-Men - *looks down* I didn't say 'stop'! -->

Drippy Pony [2.15][edit]

Detective: Hey ar-are you Deepthroat?
Rimjob: Hmm? Oh no I-I'm Rimjob, you want Level B2.

The Munnery [2.16][edit]

Captain James T. Kirk: [on the USS Enterprise Scotty arrives at the bridge in USS Enterprise] Report, Mr. Scott.
Scotty: Captain, somebody traded all of the dilithium crystals for pornographic holograms!
James T. Kirk: And?
Scotty: With no power, all life support on the ship is about to fail.
James T. Kirk: And?
Scotty: Our only hope is to beam down to the nearest planet, but there is only enough power to send five people. I can't do no more!
Mr. Spock: Captain, logic dictates that each of the 433 crew members.
Lt. Uhura: Hey! Where did Kirk go? [camera scene changes to the same bridge scene without James Kirk] Oh, no. He didn't.

[while deciding who gets to beam off the ship]

Lt. Uhura: Uh, I have a vagina.
Scotty: Sure.
Mr. Spock: A vagina could prove quite useful.

Red Shirt Crewman: I'm Toby the Red Shirt. You need a red shirt, you just do.
Mr. Spock: Quite logical.
Scotty: Sure.

[the whole crew on the planet looks to the Red Shirt Crewman to eat first]

Red Shirt Crewman: Aww, fuck all you all!
Mr. Spock: It is your duty as a crewman.
Red Shirt Crewman: Screw that. On behalf of all the red shirts who fell before me, it makes me proud to speak the following sentence. [long pause] I'm the only one who brought a gun.
Kirk: Ohhh....

[black screen, you hear four phaser shots; shows the Red Shirt Crewman eating Kirk's arm]

Red Shirt Crewman: Mmmmm, that's good ham. -->

Day at the Circus [2.17][edit]

Snow Job: Hey guys, going on a mission? Can I come?
Flint: Sorry Snow Job, this mission doesn't require ski's.
Gung-Ho: Wearin' a blindingly white outfit in the middle of jungle warfare makes you a very shootable target, man!
Snow Job: Bunch of G.I. Jerks!

Lust for Puppets [2.18][edit]

Calvin: Native Americans would be more plentiful if they hadn't traded their land for casinos!
Hobbes: Well, cowboys never even existed! They're just a masculine image campaign purported by Marlboro!
Calvin's Dad: I think something's wrong with our son.

Hobbes: Calvin, your parents don't believe [that Hobbes is alive]. We have to kill them. [gets out a chainsaw.]

Calvin: [while at a psychiatrist] This is some bullshit!
Hobbes: Yeah!

[after evading the police, Mario & Luigi drive up to a prostitute and mistaken her for Princess Peach.]
Mario: Look, Luigi! It's the princess! [to prostitute] Princess, you must-a come with us!
Prostitute: I'll suck your cock for fifty bucks!
Mario: Princess!
Luigi: Do you accept-a coins?

Drug dealer: [giving Mario a Magic Mushroom] This is some really good shit, man.
[Mario eats the mushroom and gets high to heal his wounded shoulder. As his pupils expand, his wanted level is now up to 4]
Mario: Ah-ha-hi! Oo-hoo! Wow! I feel-a really good! Look at the pretty colors. Ha-hi! Hoo-hoo! Hee-hee!
[Police sirens. The Drug dealer and Prostitute flee from the scene.]
Luigi: Oh, Jesus! It's-a the fuzz!
Mario: [thinks he see coins on the road] Ah-ha-ha! I-a feel so funny! Look, there's-a coins everywhere! Ha-ha! I'm-a rich!
Luigi: Mario, no!
[the coins are actually pedestrians as Mario hits them with the car, causing his wanted level to rise to 5, its limit.]
Luigi: I think I should-a drive!
[they crash and fly out of the car.]
Officer 1: Freeze! Put your hands in the air! [Mario and Luigi do so. Unfortunately, Luigi has a wrench]
Officer 2: Aaah! He's [Luigi] got a wrench!
Officer 1: Take him down!
[Officers shoot Luigi.]
Mario: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! He's-a marinating in his own Ragù! You killed-a my brother! You sons of-a bitches! [grabs a machine gun and shoots the 2 Officers and blows up the police cars. A helicopter is also shot down and crashes into a nearby building]
[The army and SWAT show up.]
Mario: You'll never take me alive, you mother f — [everyone shoots him.] Ughh!

[Yoshi drives down the road and comes to the signpost. He turns left, away from Vice City]
Yoshi: Hmmm... Raccoon City sounds lovely!
[Yoshi drives into Raccoon City and promptly gets eaten by zombies]

Donkey Punch [2.19][edit]

Recording Producer: Okay, let's take it from the top.
Alvin and the Chipmunks: [singing in comically deep "terrible" voices] Christmas, Christmas time is here
Time for nuts and time for beer
David Seville: [Still hearing their "terrible" voices] Aw, they're just so terrible! They've eaten me out of house and home! They've got to go!
[David throws a canister of deadly helium into the recording booth, which causes the Chipmunks' voices to become extremely high and much better.]
Alvin and the Chipmunks: Christmas, Christmas, poop-de-poop
Don't buy me a hula hoop
David: They're fantastic!
Recording Producer: This could sell thousands of albums.
David: [noticing that the Chipmunks have collapsed from inhaling too much helium] Oh right... the deadly helium.

Book of Corrine [2.20][edit]

Man: She'll have the chef salad and I'll have... I'll have the steak.
Lobster: Yeah, yeah you better order the steak punk, don't want none o' this bitch, take these rubberbands off an' I'ma go clack-clack all up in your face mother —

Big Bird: Uugh! I feel like I'm gonna blow chunks of bird seed! [vomits, then falls down.]
Elmo: Oh no, Big Bird has the bird flu!
Grover: The Word of the Day is Quarantine! Q-U-A-R-A-N-T-I-N-E, Quarantine!

[In a hospital]

Big Bird; Snuffleupagus... is that you?
Doctor: Oh, he must be hallucinating.
Snuffy: Hi, Bird, I'm so sorry you're sick.
Big Bird: I'm scared, Snuffy, thank God you can't get it, since you're not real. [Big Bird then dies]
Snuffy: Yeah, thank G — [disappears]
Count von Count: [Handing out vaccines to Bert and crew of Sesame Street] One vaccine, a-hah-hah, Two vaccines, a-hah-hah!

[The show cuts to a separate bit]

Three Kids: One of these kids is not like the other, one of these kids is dead!
Announcer: Today's episode brought to you by the letters C.D.C.

[The channel changes to a screen featuring the words (And now a message from the bees) read by another announcer.]

Bee: Hey, boys and girls, remember to bee yourself. [pauses] And don't fuck with us or we'll sting you all at once and kill you.

Sock Puppet #1: Boy, being a sock puppet really sucks, huh?
Sock Puppet #2: Yeah, especially when your puppet master is a 14-year old boy who whacks off in your face every night.[The puppet master chuckles]

Santa Claus: [pulls over in his sleigh next to three girls] Ho, ho, ho!

Professor: [Laughing] Ah Projaq, you're a gift of former mad scientists everywhere; with your help I'll use my inventions for good, right boys?

[Lightening strikes Robot Number Five]

Robot: I live! This is awesome!

[walks downtown]

Robot: I'm alive, I'm alive!

[Townspeople scream in terror]

Robot: Ahaha, yeah; ooh, sparkly!

[Breaks glass of jewelry store]

Robot: Aw, being alive holds such amazing wonders!
Police Men: Freeze, uh hands a-above your head sir!
Robot: I love you all!

[Police shoot at Robot]

Robot: I want to play too!

[Shoots machine gun through his stomach]

Robot: What a great game; I win!

[Dog barks at Robot]

Robot: Look at you.

[Grabs the dog with a harsh grip on dog killing and bleeding the dog]

Robot: I haven't seen anything so adorable in all my twenty minutes of life; come here you!
Professor: Well, boys, I hope you...oh my god!

[Robot sleeps on ground with dog in hand]

Police Men: Freeze copkiller!
Professor: What, no!
Police Men: There'd better be a reason!

[Police start shooting]

Professor: [Struggling to stay up in gunfire] Aah no!
Announcer: Vanax, get your smile back; but without the desire to build giant robots. -->

Season 3[edit]

Werewolf vs. Unicorn [3.01][edit]

[The final scene of season 2 plays, with everyone being killed by Matthew Senreich, including Seth Green - cut to a graveyeard, where we see all the characters' tombstones, and stops at Seth's. A zombie hand pushes from the dirt]
Mike Lazzo: Ratings are through the roof, bitches. We're fixin' to renew, y'all.
Matthew: That's what the fuck I'm talking about!
Keith Crofford: But at what cost?
Mike: You say something Keith?
Keith: No, no I didn't say anything. [Seth, as a zombie, smashes through window and starts to eat Keith's brains] Arrrgghh!!!!!!
Mike: Gravy cornbread!
Matthew: Holy fucking ass-crackers!
[Mike and Matthew run towards the elevator]
Mike: Oh, fuck!
Matthew: (repeately pushing the elevator button) Come on, come on, coommee oonnn...
[Seth, writers and characters break through walls and ceiling, after Matthew and Mike]
Mike: Dang it! What do we do now?
Matthew: I've got an idea! [pushes Mike into the zombies]
Mike: Aw, you rattlesnake!! [eaten by zombies]
Matthew: [jumps in elevator] Yes! [Matthew exit the elevator, approaches a locked door; tried to open but still locked] No!
[the zombies wait patiently and quietly in the elevator]
Matthew: Noo!!! [Seth and other zombies exit the elveator; Matthew picks up his cell phone, reading the message WOW] Wow! Oh, wait. Oh, it's just Mom.
[the zombies dance to the ringtone, resembling the dance from Michael Jackson's Thriller. Suddenly the ringtone stops.]
Matthew: No!!!! [the zombies stop dancing and are going to eat Matthew's brain] Look at the new contract! We get health benefits! Oh God, please don't eat my brains!
[Seth grabs the contract and discussing with the other zombies about health benefits. Cut to the writers lounge]
Mike Fasolo: [sighs] Smells like wet garbage in here.
Matthew: Yo, what do you guys want for lunch today?
Seth (zombie]: Brains!
Doug (zombie]: Brains!
Mike: Subway.
Tom (zombie]: Brains.
Matthew: Brains it is.
Mike: Oh, I hate brains.

Squaw Bury Shortcake [3.02][edit]

[A little boy is brushing his teeth in his bathroom as a green monster pops out of his toliet.]

Monster: Are you Timmy? [The little boy shakes his head no.] Dammit! I'll find him. [dissapears back in the toliet.]

[Ents running past a little girl.]

Little Girl: Run Forest Run!

Godzilla: So why are you here?
Godzilla Jr.: I want to destroy cities and rid the streets of weaponry.
Godzilla: Yeah, but, why are you really here?
Godzilla Jr.: I wanna be king of the monsters.
Godzilla: There you go. Now, if you stick with me, you'll make it, but, uh, you gotta unlearn that bullshit that they teach ya in Monster Island now, cuz that shit gonna get ya killed out here.
Godzilla Jr.: I'll do anything you want me to do.
Godzilla: [laughs] My lizard. Now how's your Japanese?
Godzilla Jr.: Not that good.
Godzilla: Well, you learn that shit then, brother, cos that shit gonna get ya killed. These motherfuckers out there be plottin' all types of shit on ya.
Godzilla: Hey yo, Mazinger! You got my stuff?
Mazinger: Yo, what you need, Zilla? Check it out, I got rocket firing hands; I got rockets for your shoulders and legs, man, my shit is tight!
Godzilla: Oh, yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about. But anyway... [roars, shoots a beam at Mazinger, killing him]
Godzilla Jr.: What did you do!?
Godzilla: Justifiable homicide on the line of duty.
Godzilla Jr.: No, that was murder!
Godzilla: Open your eyes, son.
Godzilla Jr.: That man was your friend, and you killed him like a fly!
Godzilla: Why is he my friend, huh? Because he knows my name? Mazinger sold guns and rockets; the world is a better place without him anyway. Now get your ass in the car.
Godzilla Jr.: No way, man. I'm getting reassigned.
Godzilla: Well, you do that! You tell them what I did; I don't give a damn, cuz I got news for ya: King Kong ain't got shit on me! [King Kong appears behind him and throws feces at Godzilla]

Tapping a Hero [3.04][edit]

Old Woman: Help! I've fallen and I can't get up! [long pause] I said, I've fallen —
MedicAlert employee: MedicAlert at you service!
Old Woman: Oh, thank goodness. You see, I've fallen and I can't get... [employee tiptoes to the lounge] Uh... mister? Sir? [employee steals television] With my things, you're... [steals her handbag] What are you doi — ?

Shoe [3.05][edit]

Ted Kennedy: [gripping Arnold Schwarzenegger over a bridge] Remember when I said I'd kill you last?
Arnold Schwarzenegger: No! I don't recall — Oh! You were quoting a line from my movie.
Ted Kennedy: I lied!
Arnold Schwarzenegger: I know how it goes! [dropped off bridge] You suck! [dies]

[Sonic runs through Green Hill Zone past the speed limit. He then gets caught in a spikestrip, smashes onto the ground and bleeds to death]

SWAT 1: That stopped him.
SWAT 2: Yeah, but man, a spikestrip? I mean, couldn't we had tried a warning first?
SWAT 1: Yeah, we could've, but we didn't. Heh heh heh.

Endless Breadsticks [3.06][edit]

Pound Puppies: If you don't buy us, we get killed!

More Blood, More Chocolate [3.08][edit]

Bob the Builder: Why, someone left this job half-done. Can we fix it?
Scoop, Muck, Dizzy, Roley: Yes, we can!
Union Guy: [surrounded by two goons] Ain't nobody finishing nothing.
Bob the Builder: I'm sorry, who are you?
Union Guy: We're from the union, and we say you don't have the right equipment for this job.
Bob the Builder: We have all the equipment we need.
Union Guy: Really? You got a talking briefcase full of hundred-dollar bills over there?
Bob the Builder: No, but... [Goons push and pound Bob between them and Union Guy kicks him in the balls]
Spud: Can I play too?
Union Guy: Sure, asshole. [He rips off Spud's nose] Hope you like smelling what you ate.
[Pilchard the cat pounces on the Union Guy. Bob uses his drill on a goon's face. Spud grabs a shovel and beats the goons with it.]
Bob the Builder: Spud! Don't forget to wear your safety goggles.
Spud: Aw, thanks, Bob.
[He resumes beating the goon as the Union Guy runs away]
Roley: Woo, rock and roll! [Steamrolls over the Union Guy]
Bob the Builder: Now dig these motherfuckers a grave, Scoop.
Scoop: [digging a hole] No prob, Bob!
[Muck loads the dead Union Guy and goons into the hole, Scoop pushes them in, and Dizzy pours cement on top]
All: Yay!
Spud: [screwing his nose back on] Ew, New Jersey smells like bad tuna. Can we go home?
All: Yes, we can! Yay!

Moesha Poppins [3.10][edit]

News anchor: In tonight's news, you can find the words; night, tight, tits, tots, stew, whino, ghost, and the name Tony if you spell it with an i.

Ban on the Fun [3.11][edit]

Spartan: [while at a party] THIS...IS...MARTHA!!

Scientist: [announcing Pluto's downgrade from planet status] Also, A is no longer a vowel, north no longer a direction... and your sister, no longer A VIRGIN!!

Man 1: Damn These Laff-A-Lympics! Even though we cheat, we always lose, but not this time.
Snagglepuss: They're gone. They're all gone, even.
Boo-Boo: What's going on Yogi?
Scooby-Doo: [over Hong Kong Phooey's dead body] He's dead! He's dead! And he's a dog!
Shaggy: Like what the fuck are you doing man?

Losin' the Wobble [3.12][edit]

Reverse Flash: So long, Flash! You'll have to pick up the pace if you want to catch Reverse Flash!
Flash: Uh! Again with Reverse Flash! He looks just like me, but with the exact opposite color scheme, brilliant.
Superman: At least he wears a mask. Bizzaro Superman looks just like me, but with a face like somebody threw up in an ice tray. Seriously, looks like someone shit out kryptonite and then put it on someone's face again.
Wonder Woman: Have you ever seen Negative Wonder Woman?
Negative Wonder Woman: [wearing sleeves and stockings, dispaying her breasts and pubes] Hey Wonder Woman! Fuck you! Now where did I leave my visible jet? Oh, look, there it is. Easy to find!
Wonder Woman: Don't grab her or anything.
Superman: I grab her.
Flash: Grab her till she couldn't walk. Booyah!

Barfly: You know, like the rest of the world, soccer is called "football". [Two police officials attack the barfly] Hey! Hey — Ow! Ow! What's goin' on? Why are you touching — ?
Announcer: Hello, there. What you've just seen was a dramatization of the new Asshole laws enacted by Congress, which going to effect January 1st. It's now a federal offense to point out that soccer is actually called football.
Nerd: Uh, in fact, no Star Trek episode contains the words, "Beam me up, Scotty." Agh! Ow, ow, my arm! My — argh! Ow! Ow-how! [It's the law, asshole!]
Civilian: You know, Iceland is actually green, and Greenland is actually icy. Argh! Agh, agh-ha! Oh, help me, help me, help, me, help! [It's the law, asshole!]
Worker: Heroes is way better, because it actually answers stuff. On Lost, they don't even know what they're doing. Oof! What are you doing? No, wait! Ooh, ugh, ooh, agh, oof, ugh! [It's the law, asshole!]

Slaughterhouse on the Prairie [3.13][edit]

[A massive rain storm is falling on the Smurf Village]
Army Corps of Engineers Smurf: Papa Smurf Papa Smurf it's smurfing like a mothersmurfer. What if the dam breaks?
Papa Smurf: This is exactly why I'm Papa Smurf and you're just...uhhh...uh...uh which smurf are you?
Army Corps of Engineers Smurf: Oh I'm Army Corp of Engineer Smurf.
Papa Smurf: That Dam was smurfed by the finest construction crew the forest has to offer.
[Cuts to several beavers. One has it's head stuck in a bucket, one is hiting it's head against a tree and one is humping another beaver. Suddenly the crappy wooden dam, just a few logs piled haphazardly across the river, breaks.]
Grandpa Smurf: I did't evacuate when them chipmonks went rabid, and that was bad. Sure as hell ain't evacuating for a little rain. :[Flood water then crushes him. Smurf village is shown flooded, with Smurf bodies floating in the water.]
Anderson Copper: "Destruction. Devestation. A community in ruins. How did it come to this? Why did the dam fail?"
[News footage shows bodies, two smurfs holding up a sign that says "Smurf Fema" before a hawk swoops in and grabs one of them and a smurf looting a T.V from an appliance store. Cuts to Gargamel's home, who is watching Anderson Copper on TV.]
Gargamel: I've spent my entire adult life trying to find the smurf village. How did Anderson (bleep)ing Copper find it in less than a day?
Anderson Copper: And where is the king during the greatest crisis the forest has ever known?
Brainy Smurf: Papa Smurf says that the king doesn't care about blue people and Papa Smurf is always right because Papa Smurf... [Begins to look around surprised] Papa Smurf?
Anderson Copper": What is it Brainy?
Brainy Smurf: Usually the other smurfs kick me out of the village when I start talking too much, but... there are no smurfs left!
[Brainy starts crying. Gargamel is scooping up dead smurfs in a fishing net.]
Gargamel: Ha Ha Ha! This is the best day of my life! RaHe He Heee!. [Gargamel is cutting up smurf bodies, putting them in blenders and pulling out a bowl of smurfs from the oven. Cut to Gargamel is at the dinner table]
Gargamel: Triumph at last hahhaha. [Takes a bite of the smurf meal and immediately has a disgusted look on his face. He then takes the plate of smurfs over to the garbage can throws them away. He picks up the phone and makes a call, depressed.] Hello it's Gargamel, yes the usual. Oh with fried rice please! For one. [Hangs up phone and sighs.]

Robot Chicken's Half-Assed Christmas Special [3.14][edit]

[On the ice pond, everyone is skating. Snoopy tosses Linus into a tree, a la A Charlie Brown Christmas.]
Franklin: Oh no! We’re late for Christmas play rehearsal!
Frieda: Don’t worry. Charlie Brown’s in charge. We can just ignore him and dance repetitively.
Kid: I love dancing repetitively!
[All kids leave. Linus is left under the tree until nightfall when a unknown person (we are looking from their POV) approaches him. Linus wakes up and finds that he is tied to a bed by his blanket. Sally is by his side.]
Sally: Linus! You’re awake!
Linus: Uhhhh, why am I tied up?
Sally: Because you’re going to write me the love letter I always wanted!
Linus: Love letter? I need to go to a hospital!
Sally: I always wanted to be a nurse! They have such pretty white shoes! (leaves)
Linus: Things look bad for ol' Linus.
[Outside of Snoopy’s dog house]
Charlie Brown: Snoopy, have you seen Linus? He was supposed to walk me to chemo… Can you help me find him?
[Snoopy nods, jumps behind the dog house and reemerges as Batman with Woodstock as Robin. A montage ensues with Snoopy and Woodstock parodying the Batman & Robin TV show introduction. Back in reality, Snoopy is seen on top of his dog house punching air.]
Charlie Brown: *sigh* Good grief.
[Inside]
Sally: I made snowflake soup! I know how much you like catching snowflakes on your tongue.
Linus: So basically you made me a bowl of hot water? [Doorbell rings. Sally runs to answer the door, but accidentally tosses the bowl of hot water on Linus’ lap.] Ahhhh!
[Front door. Sally opens the door and finds Snoopy as Batman standing on the step, but mistakes him for…]
Sally: Val Kilmer? [Snoopy shakes his head no.] Heeeey, you’re my brother’s dog! [Snoopy points to the tree where Sally snatched up Linus, and follows the tracks that lead up to the doorstep.] I shoulda known you’d figure it out. You’re always so snoopy. Oh heeeey! Snoopy! That’s your name! It all makes sense now!
[Sally and Snoopy laugh for a second, until Sally brutally beats Snoopy with a shovel and drags him inside. Sally dumps Snoopy’s dead body down into the cellar, a la Misery. In Linus’ room, he is writing on paper with a seemingly free hand.]
Linus: Oh my God! They just murdered Val Kilmer!
Sally: Where’s my love letter, Sweet Babboo? [picks up and reads the letter] This isn’t a love letter! It’s a cry for help! Did you think I’d let you mail it?!
Linus: But Sally, it’s Christmas!
Sally: You’re right! I almost forgot! [brings in a spikey old Christmas tree, very similar to the one from A Charlie Brown Christmas, and places it between Linus’ ankles.] Does this tree look sturdy enough?
Linus: Uhhh, f-for what? [Sally takes a hammer and breaks Linus’ ankle on the tree, a la Misery.] SCHUUUUUUUULZ!!!
[Later, Linus has his ankles wrapped in gauze and he finishes the "love letter."]
Linus: *sigh* It’s done.
Sally: Really?! Can I read it? [reading the letter:] "Dear Sally, see the words on this page? Please keep your eyes on them so you don’t notice the thing I’m about to do." [as Sally is reading the letter, Linus unties himself and prepares to strangle Sally.] Wow! I’m hu-
[Linus comes from behind and begins to strangle Sally as she gasps for air, each time Linus tightening the blanket’s hold on her throat.]
Linus: (as Sally begins to lose consciousness) Shhh, shhh. It’s almost over. Shhh.
[Sally loses consciousness. Linus releases his grip and lets her fall to the floor. Charlie Brown enters.]
Charlie Brown: Linus! Thank goodness! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!
Linus: I WAS IN YOUR HOUSE, YOU BLOCKHEAD!
Charlie Brown: Good grief! I can’t do anything right! Even my sister’s a psycho!
Linus: I never thought she was that bad. She wasn’t that bad at all, really. Maybe she just needed a little love. [Sally regains consciousness, gasping for air, but Linus smashes a lamp over her head, killing her.] By the way, Val Kilmer’s dead.

Tubba-Bubba's Now Hubba-Hubba [3.15][edit]

Pac-Angle: Hello Pac-Man. What if I told you that everything you know is a lie. Your just a part of a computer program.
Pac-Man: What are you talking about?
Pac-Angle: Eat the red pellet & you will go further down the rabbit hole.
[Pac-Man eats the pellet & in a spoof of The Matrix Pac-Man gets shot by Pinky & Inky & dies. The screen reads "Game Over"]

Boo Cocky [3.16][edit]

Orderly: Hey, what's on the menu today?
Chef: I thought the inmates would enjoy a nice change of pace. Broccoli, baked beans, coffee ice cream, and Red Bull.
Orderly: Oh, my God.
[After dinner, the inmates are rioting, beating themselves with trays, drawing on the walls, and farting incessantly. Switches to TiVo listing, with the following dialogue unseen]
Gary: I think I've had enough of that show. Delete!
["Delete? Are you sure you want to delete: Robot Chicken: "Boo Cocky?" Yes No"]
Enrique: [highlights "No" and selects. Goes up and down the queue throughout] Hey, what are you doing?
Gary: I don't want Robot Chicken on the DVR.
Enrique: No, I love Robot Chicken.
Gary: It's all farting and retards.
Enrique: Well, I like it.
Gary: Tough titties.
Enrique: Ass! We split the cable bill.
Gary: TV doesn't have to be stupid...
Enrique: I want...
Gary: [cont'd] ...it can be challenging, even brainy...
Enrique: [cocks his shotgun] Oh, yeah? You want something brainy on the TV?! [Gunshot! Blood splatters on the screen, and the queue stops] There! Ha ha ha! Oh, man. I ain't going to prison. [Another gunshot! More blood splattered.]
Friend: [sound of opening door] Oh, my God! Gary! Enrique! I better call 911! [Dials] But I might as well watch a little Robot Chicken while I wait for the cops. [Selects "Boo Cocky" and watches. Scene goes back to the rioting, farting inmates.]

Bionic Cow [3.17][edit]

Marv: (narrating) I flossed and brushed my teeth again. They say, "Only floss the ones you wanna keep"; I always liked that joke. Then I swished around some mouthwash; kills gingivitis. Damn gingivitis. Leading cause of gum disease. Saw an old lady tryin' to cross the street. Grandma couldn't have been less than 90-years-old; probably seen a lot over those years; lots of stories to tell and a family that loves her.
Marv: Let me help you out, granny. Stop the cars to make sure granny could cross, I'm walkin' here! I loved that line.
Marv: Then I saw some pussy that made my heart stop. Pussy was caught up in the tree; little kid cryin' for it. Poor kid, probably not old enough to tie his shoes in his damn kitten's life is in my hands.
Marv: Here you go, buddy.
Marv: Tipped the barista $5 for my soylatte. These latte's are good; good enough to kill for, but I never do that. Killing is bad, unless you're killing gingivitis.

Monstourage [3.18][edit]

[The sketch opens to Doc's workshop Doc is with Sprocket (his pet dog), and they have an exterminator investigating Fraggle Rock]
Doc: Well, my dog is always barking at that hole. So I figured there must be something down there.
Exterminator: Rats, snakes. Could be any number of reasons to overbill you, but I've got something that'll fix the problem.
[He throws something that looks like a flashlight or lantern down the hole]
Doc: Will that kill them all?
Exterminator: No, this is so I'll know where to throw this! [throws a grenade down the hole, ducks and covers Doc and himself]
Fraggles: [singing] Happy, happy day, Fraggles say it's a happy day, Happy, happy day, Nothing can go wrong...
[The grenade falls down into Fraggle Rock and explodes]
[The place starts to collapse]
Gobo: Holy crap! We gotta get outta here! RUN!!!
[The place continues to collapse, with only Mokey, Gobo, Wembley, Red, Boober, and three nameless Fraggles making it out in time]
Gobo: Oh, this is bad!
Mokey: What are we going to do? We have no home.
Gobo: Hey, hey! Uncle "Traveling" Matt's been sending me postcards from the outer world for years. With their guidance, I'll find us a new Fraggle Rock.
Wembley: WAIT! STOP!!
Gobo: What's wrong, Wembley?
Wembley: I see a terrible thing coming! Fire and death! There's blood everywhere! Something very bad is coming!
Gobo: You got to work on the "pre" part of prechification, douchebag. [kicks Wembley in the crotch] IN YOUR BALLS!
Mokey: [kicks him in the crotch] Take that!
Red: Yeah, kick the BALLS!
Boober: There you go.
Wembley: I now have a vagina.
[the Fraggles stop at a road; a vehicle zooms by]
Red: What was that?
Gobo: Uncle Matt says they're called, "Beep-Beep-Outta-the-Way-Assholes"! But they're harmless.
Driver: [beep beep] Out of the way, asshole!
[The Fraggles start crossing the road; all the vehicles try to dodge them]
Driver: Out of the way asshole!
[Two of the vehicles crash, setting a Green Fraggle; he screams as he burns to death]
Wembley: D-d-d-d-...death.
Gobo: [slaps Wembley] You should've warned us! I'm sure our troubles are all in the past.
[The Fraggles are being chased across the water by Sprocket]
Gobo: Hurry, it's right behind us!
[Sprocket catches one of the Fraggles and hurts him]
Purple Fraggle: Hey guys please kill me...kill me, please.
[The other Fragglesbeat him to death]
Purple Fraggle: Ow! NO! WAIT! STOP! OW! I'VE CHANGED BY MIND!
Gobo: Hang in there! We're almost done!
[They arrive at a farm]
Boober: I can't go on! Just leave me!
Mokey: We need food Gobo, we're starving.
Fraggle: I smell radishes!
[The Fraggle leaves and a strange noise is heard; the other Fraggles go behind the barn and find him being killed in a trap next to a radish patch.]
Gobo: He was right, look at all the radishes!
Fraggles: YAY!
Gobo: Eat up! There is plenty enough for everybody! [shoves a radish into the dying Fraggle's mouth to feed him as he rolls over dead]
[The Fraggles find their new home]
Gobo: We did it everyone! Now it's time to start repopulating!
Fraggles: YAY!
Wembley: Wait! I'm getting another vision! I see... I see... THAT I'M GONNA GET MY FREAK ON!!!
[Oil floods the home and the Fraggles are killed]

President Evil [3.19][edit]

Danny Ocean: I'm Danny Ocean, and for this caper, we're gonna need more than 11, 12 or 13 guys. So, team one, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Don Cheadle, Carl Reiner, Elliott Gould, Scott Caan, Shaobo Qin, Eddie Jemison, Andy Garcia, Leonardo DiCaprio, Bruce Willis, Vin Diesel, William Shatner, Topher Grace, Christopher Walken, Justin Timberlake, Antonio Banderas, Samuel L. Jackson, Kurtwood Smith, Bruce Campbell, Jackie Chan and "Weird Al" Yankovic, you start a fight at the bar. Then team two, Sylvester Stallone, Erik Estrada, David Letterman, Vince Vaughn, Leonard Nimoy, Vladmir Putin, Frankenstein, my niece Susie, Koko the Gorilla, panda with a monocle, Peter Pan, John Denver's corpse, a mime, Sherlax the Devourer of Worlds and Ryan Seacrest, you'll slip in the back. Any questions?
Teams 1 and 2: No!
Danny Ocean: Then let's do this.

Chirlaxx [3.20][edit]

Sir Mix-a-Lot: [to tune of "Baby Got Back
This table's long, but it should be round
King Arthur can't hear a sound
When a knight tries to talk
That brother's gotta walk
'bout half a freakin' block to be heard
Can't hear a word
'cause this table is so absurd
Us knights got much to discuss
But this table's ridiculous
Balki: Don't be ridiculous
Sir Mix-a-Lot: Belvedere can't hear
"Yo, can you pass me some beer?!"
Sir Belvedere: Say what?!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: It's twenty feet by eighty
Can't even flirt with ladies
Better have long arms when you're havin' a meal
If you're trying to cop a feel
We need a new proportion
To bring our kingdom fortune
I got an idea that might work for ya
I'm-a make this mother circular
Sir Galahad!
Sir Galahad: Yeah!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: Percival!
Sir Percival: Yeah!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: You wanna hear the others talk?
Knights: Hell yeah!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: Bring it in, sit it down
It's like King Arthur's crown
Table be round! Table be round.
Now with this circulation
We can have nice conversation
Verizon guy: Can you hear me now?
Sir Percival: I can hear!
Sir Galahad: Holy cow!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: Make every knight say...
Everybody: WOW!
King Arthur: Now you know that we cannot fail when we're looking for the Holy Grail
Sir Mix-a-Lot: 360 on the parameter
You know hos like diameter
Knight: Bumping this with the circumference
All: Table be round!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: [bleep] I'm never gonna need money anyway. Where you win this shit, shootin' dice? Come on, man. Come on, man, the hell wrong with you? Crown-wearing mother[bleep]. [bleep].

Season 4[edit]

Help Me [4.1][edit]

Edward: Steve, you and your wife are wonderful hosts. I'm being sincere.
Steve: You know, Julie, I don't think you ever got a tour of the house.
Julie: You're right.
Steve: Well, come on.
[Steve and Julie go upstairs giggling]
Edward: More apple pie for us, huh?
Steve's wife: Oh, you. [Doorbell rings] Who could that be?
[She opens the door]
Fanfare: [singing] Trojan Man!
Trojan Man: [on horseback] Excuse me, madam, but I am needed upstairs!
Steve's wife: Steve!
[Trojan Man rides upstairs, with Edward and Steve's wife following. The following dialogue is unseen]
Fanfare: Trojan Man!
Steve: Keep it down.
Steve's wife: I knew you acted weird around Julie, you bastard!
Trojan Man: Put this on your penis.
Steve: Get off! Get off me! Get off me!
Edward: Julie, how could you?!
Julie: My clothes just fell off.
Trojan Man: Her vagina will appreciate your forethought!
Edward: Will you shut the fuck up already?! Shut up!
Steve's wife: I am leaving you!
Fanfare: Trojan Man!
Edward: Hey, watch the horse! That was my grandma's– [Crash] Oh, no, you broke it!
Trojan Man: That would never happen to a Trojan condom.
Fanfare: Trojan Man!
Edward: [crying] You said my problem didn't bother you.
Julie: It doesn't. I mean, Edward, this doesn't change anything.
Edward: It changes everything!
Trojan Man: A reservoir tip is for your semen!
Julie: I got to get out of here.
[Julie leaves the house, with Edward following her]
Edward: You're a whore! You ruined my life, you whore!
[Long pause]
Trojan Man: I guess I'd better go.
Fanfare: Trojan Man!
Steve: [as Trojan Man rides out] Yeah, why don't you just get the fuck outta here? How about that?
Fanfare: Trojan Man!
Trojan Man: [leaving a box of condoms] Just in case.
Announcer: For when you wanna fuck! Yeah!

They Took My Thumbs [4.2][edit]

Wonder Woman: You young heroes are so much more than mere sidekicks, you're the future of Justice League of America. Mentoring your progress gives me enormous amount of pride.
[steals Wonder Woman's suit and heroes gasped]
Wonder Woman: Whoa! What the fuck?!?
[Kid Flash giggles]
Wonder Woman: Give me those you little shitstain!
Flash: I am very, very disappointed in you, boy. [whispering] Super-speed high five.
[Justice League Heroes waves a good-bye for young heroes to teleport and they fell down in a volcano on another planet. Justice League Heroes gasped]
Wonder Woman: What happened?
Martian Manhunter: It wasn't me! Martian Boyhunter did it!

I'm Trapped [4.3][edit]

Man 1': Hey, who packed my chute?
Man 2: I did. Why? Don't you trust me?
Man 1: Are you gonna jump, or are we just gonna jerk each other off?
[Long pause. Cut to outside shot of the plane and the door slides shut]

In a DVD Factory [4.4][edit]

[Man shoots a werewolf with a handgun to no effect]
Werewolf: Only a silver bullet can kill me.
[Man pulls out a minigun and shoots the werewolf to a bloody pulp. He mops it into a bucket, pours gasoline on it, and sets it on fire. When he gets home, he chops the resulting ashes into lines and snorts it like cocaine, after which he violently craps it into a toilet. The crap is processed in a sewage treatment plant. Cut to three kids playing Dungeons & Dragons in a basement]
Dungeonmaster: The book says he's still not dead. It has to be a silver bullet.
Knight: That's a bunch of crap!

Tell My Mom [4.5][edit]

Spongebob: But Sandy! How can you be pregnant? You said you had a sponge in your... Oh, you meant me...

Annie: Leapin' lizards Molly! It sure is a hard knock life —
Molly [interrupting]: Actually we're very lucky Annie.
Annie: Being an orphan sure don't feel lucky.
Molly: Then try being an orphan in the Phillipines where hundreds of thousands of orphans are forced into prostitution thanks to sex tourism. In Africa, AIDS has created millions of orphans who won't live to see puberty.
Annie: Well...I sure don't like that mean ol' Miss Hannigan — !
Molly: What don't you like exactly? 3 meals a day? A warm bed? Not being HIV positive? Not perfoming fellatio on foreign business men?
Annie: [silent, taken aback]
Molly: That's what you don't like?
Annie: Uhh...I think I'm gonna go sweep over there for a while Molly.
[Annie walks to her right to where Pepper is washing clothes in a bucket.]
Annie: Gee, Pepper! Miss Hannigan sure is mean!
Pepper: Yeah! I hate that bitch!
[TIME JUMP: 6 months later]
Daddy Warbucks: We sure had a grand adventure Annie! Your quick wits and spunky can-do spirit saved us all! Is there anything my limitless power and billions of dollars can do for you?
Molly's voice: Overseas orphans! Fellatio on foreign business men! HIV and AIDS!
Annie: Hmm...nope!

[outside shot of Davey drowning in the bay, cuts to inside where Billy Joel is singing his song.]
Billy Joel: Pete is a real estate novelist.
Pete [while typing on his laptop]: Hey, that’s me!
Billy: That’s a cute way of saying “Pete’s broke.”
[Pete looks upset.]
Billy: I’ll laugh at his life while I’m humping his wife,
Pete: Sheila?!
Billy Joel: Cause Pete’s tiny shlong is a joke.
[Pete looks horrified.]
Billy: My piano, it sounds like God’s symphony! And my microphone smells like the poor.
[A man puts money in Billy's tip jar.]
They put bread in my cup and their lives all suck.
If I quit this gig, they lose all interest in living, since life would have no meaning,
And they’d blow their brains out on to the floor.
[The crowd begins to boo.]
La, da, di, da, da!
[BILLY pulls out a gun while singing and the crowd falls silent.]
La, di, di, dolly da!
Down on your knees! I'm the Piano God! Pray to the songs that I’ve sung!
Tell me I’m too good to work here! Then put my balls right on your tongue!
[The song ends with a shot of Billy smiling.]
[outside the bar, Billy counts his “earnings”.]
Billy: Great. All singles.
Pete: [offscreen in a creepy voice] Hey Joel!
[Pete comes up from behind and stabs Billy repeatedly until Billy finally falls over dead. Pete wipes his brow and sighs happily. Pete's phone rings and he answers, also happily.]
Pete's agent: Pete? This is your agent! The publishers loved your novel! Time to quit the real estate biz, brother! Oh, by the way, the hospital called, and your wife died of crotch rot. Sorry, man.
[Pete closes his phone. The shot switches to overhead as Pete looks to the sky and yells:]
Pete: POETIC JUSTICE!!!!!

[Tony Stark walks into his home, only to find Nick Fury in it]
Tony: Who the hell are you?
Nick Fury: Nick Fury, director of S.H.I.E.L.D. I've come to talk to you about the Avengers Initiative.
Tony: At my house? In the middle of the night? And who the hell are you?
[camera pans to a burglar holding what appears to be a TV]
Nick: Run, stupid!
[He and the burglar run away, knocking over Stark in the process]

P.S. Yes, In That Way [4.6][edit]

Mario: You know, Donkey Kong, at $137 a barrel, this is a tremendous a-waste. (takes a barrel) I keep it a-now.

Love, Maurice [4.7][edit]

Singer: I wanna rock! [A rock is thrown at him]

O.J. Simpson: Oh my! What did you do?!
Roger Rabbit: What did I do? We had a deal. Now, it's your turn to kill my wife.
O.J. Simpson: I can't take the life of another human being.
Roger Rabbit: P-p-p-p-please?
O.J. Simpson: No!
Roger Rabbit: But, but, but, but, but, we had a deal. See? You don't wanna see me when I'M STEAMED!!
[Roger Rabbit causes steam to come out of himself]
Roger Rabbit: Take care of my wife or it's curtains for you!
O.J. Simpson: Oh no!

I Love Her [4.10][edit]

Announcer: And now back to Living Lohan.
Dina Lohan: Ali, who drank all the fucking orange juice?
Ali Lohan: I don't know mom, maybe the fucking Orange Juice Fairy did it!
Dina: Don't get smart with me!
Ali: Well, don't you be a big ranting bitch face!
Both: I NEED A CIGARETTE!!
Dina: Augh! Why are all these cameras always invading my privacy?
[Gyro-Robo is playing next to a sprinkler in his yard with a broom]
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Sorry, Cobra Commander, but your Weather Dominator, currently stuck on rain, apparently, is no match for the ninja skills of Snake Eyes! {Ali peers over the fence looking at Gyro-Robo} Oops, supposed to be me.
Ali: Ha, ha, ha, ha! What are you doing?
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: That is no concern of yours, civilian! Identify yourself at once! Preferably with a capable, shapeable file card.
Ali: I'm Ali Lohan. Duh! My mom and I just moved into this crappy neighborhood to shoot our TV show, called Living Lohan.
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Aren't you a little young to be smoking?
Ali: Aren't you a little fat to be fat? Knock-knock. Who's there? You love food! {Ali jumps off the fence}
Daniel's Mother: Honey, were you talking to the new neighbor? I think their dog's been pooping in our yard.
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: What? Awww, poop!
[Goes to Lindsay's kitchen]
Lindsay Lohan: Go to hell, mom! I told you! I'm not gonna be on your show! It's demeaning to my career. [makes "cut" sign to camera man] I'm gonna try that again with 10 percent more conviction. Or possibly, 1000 PERCENT!!! [doorbell rings] Who in god's green Smurf are you?
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Madame, does it look like my name is Tripwire? Because as I am not the GI Joe minesweeper, I would appreciate it if your dog didn't leave chocolate land mines all over my yard!
Lindsay: Okay, nothing you said made any sense!
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Don't let your dog go poopie!
Lindsay: Oh, OH!! {Flashback to one nighttime} Ha, ha, ha, ha! Dah, dah, dah, dum, dum! Ha, night dump! I'm just fermalizing the lawn, aah! {back to present} Bad dog! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
[At Daniel/Gyro-Robo's front lawn]
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Firebolt! Firebolt!
Terrence: Freethyro! Freethyro!
Nerd: Ork, ork, ork! I'm an ork!
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Terrence, I gotta say, I'm not buying this at all, so...
Lindsay: Beep, Beep! Honk, honk! I'm Herbie! {hits Daniel/Gyro-Robo and Terrence}
Terrence: Hey!
Lindsay: Loud horn! fuck You! Good job, Herbie!
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Excuse me! This is a parallel universe, where savagery meets sorcery! There is no Herbie.
Lindsay: Herbie is magic, idiot! {kicks nerd down} Beep beep!
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Stop it!
Lindsay: Aughh! Why are you always following me? {Cues cameraman to come closer, whispers} Follow me.
Munson: ...and in this corner, it's Munson! {steps on Terrence}
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Get out of here, Munson!
Munson: {Knocks Gyro-Robo down, then slaps him} Munson one, gay crap zero!
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Stop it, Munson! Oh, how I hate you!
Lindsay: Beep, beep!. {Looks at Munson} Oooh, a bad boy!
Munson: Oh, a damaged chick with daddy issues. {slaps Gyro-Robo} Hey baby!
Lindsay: I don't know what that is, but I hope it means penis!
[Daniel is watching Living Lohan on TV]
Lindsay: Too bad, mom. I love him, and I'm pregnant!!
Dina: Well, so am I!
Lindsay: Well, your baby's gonna have cobwebs, cause you're all old, and your notaries are all bunched up and dusty!!
Dina: Fuck You!
Ali: Why didn't anyone pick me up after my fucking ultrasound?!
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Ah, looks like I'm moving again.
Dina: I'M THE GREATEST MOM IN THE WORLD!!!

We Are a Humble Factory [4.11][edit]

News Reporter: ...and to all you kids under 18 watching Robot Chicken, shame on your parents.

[A nature guide and some students are out in the open: the students are playing on their cell phones]
Nature guide: Okay, kids, who wants to learn about different types of leaves? [The students pause, then continue to play with their phones] Okay, who wants to play on your cell phones and Twitter your Facebooks? Oh, whatever. The hell,  I guess I'll smoke behind that tree. See ya.
[Everyone walks away, until only the Nerd remains, holding a piece of cardboard with pictures of leaves on it]
Nerd: But...what about the leaves? [He sees a pool of water with a sign that reads, "Spring of the Drowned Girl"] Oh, my Gosh! Just like the classic anime, Ranma Nibun no Ichi. Whoever bathes in the Spring of Drowned Girl will become an awesomely sexy lady. So the question is, do I want to be an awesomely sexy lady? Hmmm.... [He imagines what it would be like if he were... The Nerd has become a girl and examines himself]Oh, my Gosh! I've got — and I've — and this is — and these are — ohhh, they feel so good to the hand!
[The Nerd is buying a stack of comic books at a comic store]
Harry Knowles: That will be $68.50... [The Nerd flashes him] By which I mean free!
Nerd: What wonderful powers! Hee hee!
[The Nerd is seen in a dressing room, dressing up as Lara Croft, Elektra Natchios, Tifa Lockhart from Final Fantasy, and Catwoman]
Nerd: [as Lara Croft] Hmmm... any tombs you'd like to raid?
[as Elektra Natchios] The Frank Miller one, not the Jennifer Garner one.
[as Tifa Lockhart] This may be your final fantasy.
[as Catwoman] How about a look at these jewels, Batman?
[The Nerd is seen wandering through the girls' shower]
Nerd: La chee do ti do... Hello, ladies, yes, good to see you. Just another girl. Oh, gosh, these are so heavy.
Blond Girl: Oh... let us help you!
Nerd: That's good, that's good, you're really helping, girls! (Moans)
Second Girl: Hey, doesn't hot water turn Ranma into a boy again?
Blond Girl: Hey, yeah!
[The Nerd suddenly turns back into a boy and covers himself up]
Girls: Eww!
[The girls start beating up the Nerd]
Blond Girl: Gross!
Nerd: Well, it's still...you know, skin contact. [The red-haired girl jumps on him] Whoopee!
[The scene fades back to the Nerd standing at the spring]
Nerd: Yes, I do wanna be an awesomely sexy lady! Hee hee hee! "Mammarize" me, forces of the universe! Splash, splash, splash!
[The Nerd hides as the students and the guide walk up to the spring]
Nature guide: And, tragically, this is where a young lady drowned many years ago.
Boy: Was she hot?
Nature guide: The brochure says she was 400 pounds, with a clubbed foot and chronic flatulence. So, no. Anyway, back on the bus, everybody. Move it around...
[The Nerd is shocked]
Nerd: Oh, no!
[Cut to school hallways: the Nerd has become overweight and club-footed and is wearing a "Team Awesome" shirt]
Kaitlin: Hey! You must be the new girl. My name's Kaitlin. [Before he can speak, the Nerd farts] Eww!
Nerd: Dang it.
[He farts a few more times]

Triple H: John Cena was supposed to challenge me for this championship tonight but apparently he got lost on his way here.
JR: [At the announcer table with another announcer] That is a load of bull. We saw Triple H let the air out of John Cena's tires. DAMN HIM!!!
Triple H: I guess if nobody's man enough to challenge me, I'll just take my championship belt and go home.
[Just then, a music plays and everyone cheers as Dakota Fanning walks to the ring, angrily, with her theme intro]
JR: IT'S HER! IT'S HER! Dakota Fanning is in the building and she looks pissed!
Announcer: And lets not forget the Dakota's new movie [An advertisement of the movie appears while seeing Triple H scolding Dakota] Wishmagic: The Horse Who Wrote Poems opens Friday at theaters across the country!
Dakota: [snatches the microphone from Triple H] I taught I was here to talk about Wishmagic...[whisper outside the mike]... The horse who wrote poems...But apparently some son of a bitch have to go run his mouth! [Then she starts attacking Triple H and start stomping his head to make him bleed]
JR: IT'S ON! It's on now! Triple H is in a world of....
Dakota: [Toss Triple H on top of the ringpole and going to do her finisher] Here comes a good part! [Does a finisher and crashes Triple H onto the announcer's table, breaking it in the process]
JR: THE DAKONATOR! THE DAKONATOR! This match is over if she can pin him in the ring!
[Just then, John Cena's intro is played while John Cena rushes into the ring]
JR: It's John Cena! He must want a piece of Triple H too.
[Instead, he saves Triple H and start attacking Dakota and after he locks Dakota into submission and hitting her, Triple H came back with a steel chair and start hitting Dakota's face]
JR: OH NO! It's a damn double-cross! John Cena and Triple H must have set up Dakota from the beginning! AWWW! DAMN THEM! DAMN THEM! [An advertisement about Wishmagic appears below the screen] Wishmagic: The Horse Who Wrote Poems opens Friday! DAMN THEM TO HELL!

Maurice Was Caught [4.12][edit]

Kids: “Start sharing!”

Kid: I like sharing.
Kermit: Yeah! Everybody’s sharing, that’s the way you’re supposed to do it.
Kermit: Hi, ol’ Gordo! Everybody, this is my cousin Gordon the Gecko. Gordon is a powerful executive on Wall Street. -What do you think about sharing?
Gordon the Gecko: -The rich just 1% of this country, Owns half its country wealth. $5,000,000,000,000—
Count von Count: $1,000,000,000,000! he he he, Two Trill- [Gorgo pushes The Count]
Gordon: Shut up. Greed, for lack for better word is good, greed works.
Kid: My dad says being greedy is bad.
Gordon: Your dad wouldn't know how to pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel. Is Kermit over here sharing with you, — to sit here and sing songs?!
Kermit: Ok, Gordo! It’s time to get back to the office.
Gordon: See this building behind me, first place I ever bought, flipped it and made $800,000. It was better then sex!
Kermit: Ok, who wants a share a healthy after-school snack?
Kids: I want to make 800,000 dollars! (Me too)
Gordon: First, you have to quit dressing up like 9-year old kids. Lets go buy these (Beep)ers some little suits.
Kermit: Well, I guess that lesson is brought to you by the number “Douchebag!”

Unionizing Our Labor [4.13][edit]

Don't worry, Sister Sledge, this is not your copyright-protected musical hit "We Are Family". It's something better!
All of us is airborne minidirt...
[1984 Libertarian party convention]
Candidate #1: Thank you, my Libertarian friends, for making us your nominees for president and vice president of the United States of America!
Candidate #2: 1984 is the year of the Libertarian party! We will be champions!
Candidate #1: Yes, unfortunately, the rock band Queen won't let us play their hit "We Are The Champions", but enjoy this soundalike, which we will play IN THE WHITE HOUSE!
Singer #1: [to the tune of "We Are The Champions"] We are the victors of the Glo-obe. And we'll continue doing stuff...
[1988 Libertarian party convention, the candidates have longer hair]
Candidate #1: Four years ago, I said that we would be champions... How wrong I was. Ronald Reagan soundly beat us.
Candidate #2: In fact we recieved less than one percent of one percent of the vote.
Candidate #1: But it is 1988 and the country needs to come together like a family.
Candidate #2: We are family! We are family!
Candidate #1: Don't worry, Sister Sledge, this is not your copyright-protected musical hit "We Are Family". It's something better!
Singer #2: [to the tune of "We Are Family"] We are a close-knit group! Co-workers and aquaintances!
[1992 Libertarian party convention, the candidates are noticeably older, and now have wives]
Candidate #2: Four years ago, we asked America to join our family... America said no.
Candidate #1: So we decided to make loving families of our own. Who else wants to get on board the love train?
Candidate #2: Sadly, The O-Jays wouldn't let us use their hit song "Love Train".
Candidate #1: Even though it expresses every political ideal we stand for!
Candidate #2: Next stop, the White House.
Candidate #1: Toot toot! All aboard!
Singer #3: [to the tune of "Love Train"] Citizens of the Earth (come on). Ride the Friend Choo-choo, ride the Friend Choo-choo (yeah), ride the Friend Choo-choo.
[2008 Libertarian party convention, the candidates are now old men]
Candidate #2: Well, sadly, not a single voter chose to board the friendship choo-choo. Worse, despite using the soundalike, The OJs still sued us.
Candidate #1: During the 16-year legal battle, unsavory private matters were revealed, resulting in the spectacular in-court suicide of my beautiful wife, Jennette.
Candidate #2: My wife Sarah also committed suicide, but, uh, that was unrelated to the trial.
Candidate #1: These tragedies taught us that life, like voting for a third party, are ultimately meaningless.
Candidate #2: So, in the end, all we, the Libertarian party, are is "Dust In the Wind".
Candidate #1: [stammers]
Candidate #2: I mean, all of us is airborne minidirt!
Candidate #1: Airborne minidirt, y'all!
Singer #4: [to the tune of "Dust In the Wind"] All of us is airborne minidirt...

PAPA: (Taking a dump, sigh) Gotta cut back on the smurfberries. All that fiber turns my intestines into a smurfin' log flume. Wonder who the page 3 girl is... gee, Smurfette, shocker... (Flushes toilet, the toilet starts overflowing) Uh oh, oh no, go down, go down. Oh no, OH NO, OH, OH SMURF ME UP THE SMURF!!!

(Cuts to a scene with Papa and Handy. Handy's covered in mud)

HANDY: The village septic tank is smurfed to hell!
PAPA: Well Handy, we're a communist society, so hurry up and fix it for free.
HANDY: You don't understand! The tank ruptured! The sewage has smurfed into the water table!

(Meanwhile)

ALLSTAR: Ugh, Uncle Gaileo, I feel sick! Everything tastes like rotten smurfberries!
GAILEO: Our water has been contaminated, Allstar!
ALLSTAR: So, how does a test tube work underwater exactly?
GAILEO: It doesn't take a scientist to figure out those JERK ASS SMURFS are dumping CRAP in our lake again!

(Cuts to a scene with three smurfs, they see something in the sky)

SMURF 1: Are those flying fish!?
GROUCHY: I HATE flying fish!
SMURF 1: Are those flying fish stuffed with DYNAMITE!?
GROUCHY: I HATE flying fish stuffed with dy- (A fish collides with the three smurfs, it explodes, killing all three smurfs)

(More fish fall from the sky, suicide bombing the Smurf Village straight to hell)

ALLSTAR: I-I really have an ethical problem with this...
GAILEO: What? They're volunteering. (to the fish while lighting its fuse) Just remember; seventy-two fish virgins await you in Fish Heaven!

(back on the battlefield)

PAPA: TO ME MY SMURFS! IT'S WAR! WAR!!! (There's a huge explosion in the background. A smurf in some kind of shock toddles toward Papa. He can't hear a thing Papa is saying)
DEAF: I CAN'T HEAR! I CAN'T HEAR!
PAPA: You couldn't hear before! your name is "Deaf Smurf" for God's sakes!
DEAF: OH YEAH! WELL, IT STILL SUCKS.

(Just then, the snork army marches on to the battlefield from the water. Cut to a scene with Vanity and some other smurf)

VANITY: See? like Braveheart. (Other smurf smacks him across the face, knocking him out)

(Cuts to a scene with a snork opening up one of Jokey Smurf's exploding gift boxes)

SNORK: (Gasps) A present! (The box blows up in his face, killing him in the process)
ALLSTAR: EVERYONE! STOP PICKING UP THE PRESENTS!!! (Time slows down as another snork falls victim to Jokey's present bombs) NOOOOOOOOO!!!

(Nearly all the snorks were soundly defeated by the present bombs. Cut to a scene with Brainy Smurf and a bunch of other smurfs)

BRAINY: Everyone listen to me, wer'e gonna outflank them with a pinster meneuver. Then, we'll encircle them with a blitzkrieg.
SMURF 2: Oh, you don't know what your smurfin' about, Brainy!
BRAINY: Papa Smurf put me in charge. and Papa Smurf is always right. because Papa Smurf... (Sees that he's surrounded by snorks. Two seconds later, Brainy is nothing but a head and whatever remained of his body)
BRAINY: (Amazed) Hey it's true! The brain does stay alive after desmurfitation! (dies)

(Back on the battlefeild, the smurf's defenses are picking off the snorks, one by one. A red snork, gulps down a tank of gasoline and becomes a walking flamethrower, killing the smurfs.)

DAFFNEY: Stop it you stupid boys! This isn't accomplishing anything!

(One of the smurfs stop dead in his tracks)

SMURF 3: Are you a- are you a- a female!?
DAFFNEY: Well, sure I am, why?

(Two more smurfs appear on screen)

SMURF 4: We thought there was only one girl in the whole world! (Directs attention towards Smurfette) This tired, old, worn out whore over here!
SMURFETTE: HEY!

(Cuts to a scene where Governor Wetworth and Papa Smurf are signing a peace treaty)

PAPA: So it's agreed, we'll stop smurfing our turds in your lake.

(Snorks all cheer)

GOVERNOR: And in return, we shall give you photos of our women.

(Smurfs all cheer and then a moments silence)

PAPA: ...to masturbate to?
GOVERNOR: Yes, to masturbate to (Governor and Papa shake hands, the smurfs and snorks all cheer, but the smurfs are a little more overexcited than the snorks. Cut to a scene where Daffney is being paparazzied by the smurfs)
DAFFNEY: Unbelievable, rotten scumbag men (Grunt)

(ROBOT CHICKEN CREDITS ROLL) (A scene where a fish is talking to Satan in hell)

SATAN: HAHAHA, YOU STUPID FISH! GET IN THE FRYING PAN!

(fish does just that)

STINGER: END

President Hu Forbids It [4.14][edit]

[There are two boats in Gotham Harbor, a yeoman approaches the captain]
Yeoman: Sir, the whole boat is rigged to explode! And I found this! [displays a detonator. Meanwhile, all the passangers are in the seating area, the intercom turns on]
Joker: Greetings from the Joker. "Why so serious?" Anyway, we have a boat of civilians and a boat of prison inmates. I will blow up both boats at midnight.
Man #1: Oh, my God!
Joker: However, each boat has a detonator that will blow up the opposite boat. If one boat decides to blow up the other boat prior to midnight, I will not blow up the boat that blows up the other boat. It's quite the moral quandary, is it not?
Man #2: Then let's vote on neither boat blowing up.
GIRL: No, he said we decide.
Man #3: Then I decide that neither boat blows up!
CAPTAIN: Wait, wait...so, we vote?
Woman: No, we... we just press a button, I think.
Man #4: I don't understand. What does this prove, exactly?
Man #5: Uh, Mister Joker, sir? We came to a consensus: we vote that neither boat should blow up. [passengers agree]
Joker: That's not a choice!
Man #5: Uh..uh, you better explain it again then, I guess.
Joker: [sighs] I will blow up both the boats-
Man #1: Oh my God!
Joker: — unless, UNLESS, one boat blows up the other boat first.
Man #5: Uh, w-what are the other options?
Joker: There are no other options.
Old Lady: Ask him when both boats blow up.
Joker: MIDNIGHT! MIDNIGHT! MIDNIGHT!
CAPTAIN: Alright folks, that gives us a good 15 minutes. Everyone, into the lifeboats!
Joker: No, no lifeboats! I said that you couldn't use them.
Man #6: You never said that!
Joker: I did, way back in the beginning.
Man #5: You better go over the rules again. [the Joker is clearly exasperated]
Joker: Oh, for H- it's a catch 22! Look, there are two boats. At midnight— [Batman cuts him off by hitting him with a board.]

Due To Constraints of Time and Budget [4.15][edit]

Narrator: One day in the Concrete Jungle of Nool, an elephant named Morton played "hooky" from school.
He was chillin' on the stoop, just peacin' on the block ... When onto his trunk landed a tiny crack rock. He thought...
Morton: I could sell this, make five or six bucks!
Narrator: But then he heard a tiny voice that hollered...
Voices: What, what!

(Morton bends down close to the rock and listens.)

Narrator: Morton listened closely, and held very still. He could hear tiny voices in the town of What-Whatville.

(The camera zooms in on the rock. A tiny city is seen. Strange creatures resembling the Whos from Dr. Seuss' books are seen on a dance floor. A DJ is in the background.)

Narrator: They were having a party, with a DJ in the cut, and everybody was yelling...
What-Whatians: What, what!

(The screen cuts back to Morton.)

Narrator: Morton had a new purpose, he had a new drive: to hide the rock and keep the party alive.

(Morton decides to conceal the rock from sight. He walks to the right, and confronts a drugged-up kangaroo with blackened eyelids.)

Narrator: He walked down the street, and out of the blue, he came face to face with Crackhead Kangaroo. She was shaking and twitching, her eyelids were black. She said...
Kangaroo: (stammering) M-M-M-M-Morton, I'll s-s-suck your c-c-c-COCK for that crack!

(A strange look crosses Morton's face as he looks at the rock. He walks behind a dumpster with the kangaroo.)

Narrator: Well, sometimes an elephant just has to nut. So that was the end of the world of...
What-Whatians: What, what!

(The What-Whatians and their world are set ablaze when the rock is lit up. Everyone screams.)


Announcer: Hey, my ex-girlfriend, how do eat a Reese's Piece, buttercup?
Ex-Girlfriend: I pretend the peanut butter is your soul, and I suck it out and then I crush the remaining empty husk in my cruel, cold fist.

Beatles: We are sailing unerwater-ater-ater, all the fishes look delicious, colors, drugs, rainbows and hugs...
Old Fred: Wait! Be quiet! Something's showing up on the radar!
Paul McCartney: Maybe it's Ringo's lunch. He ate a big sandwich.
Ringo Starr: I still have sand in me mouth. (He spits out sand.)
Old Fred: Shh! Look! [An image of a submarine appears on the radar.]
John Lennon: Sandwiches are me bread and butter.
Paul McCartney: Good one, John.
Old Fred: Damn it, shut the hell up! It's a submarine from the land of the Blue Meanies! The Dreaded Blue October! I'm gonna send them a ping.

(Soundwaves come from the Yellow Submarine. They reach a blue sub with yellow lines on its side.)

(Cut to the inside of the Blue October. Two Meanies resembling Captain Marko Ramius and Jack Ryan have heard the ping.)

Meanie Captain: Was that a ping?
Meanie Lieutenant: Yes, Sir!
Meanie Captain: You know we don't say "yes" in Meanie Land.
Meanie Lieutenant: I'm so sorry, no, Sir. Should I ping them back, Sir?
Meanie Captain: No...
Meanie Lieutenant: No?
Meanie Captain: No... I said, "no"... Do you understand?
Meanie Lieutenant: No.
Meanie Captain: Ping them back.
Meanie Lieutenant: Yes, Sir! I mean, no, sir.
Love your love with love... Just love your love with love…

(The Lieutenant sends a ping back to the Yellow Submarine.)

Old Fred: They pinged us back!
Paul McCartney: I know. My ears are still pinging.
John Lennon: Hey, I have an idea. What's the most important thing in the world?
Ringo Starr: Acid.
John Lennon: After that?
Ringo Starr: Love.
John Lennon: That's right. Maybe those meanies in the Blue October don't want to declare war. Maybe they want to declare love and defect to Pepperland.
Paul McCartney: There's only one way to find out. Let's sing a song about love.
Old Fred: Oh...
Beatles: Love your love with love... Just love your love with love...
Meanie Captain: They're singing! Maybe they know we're trying to defect to Pepperland.
Meanie Lieutenant: Sir, another submarine from Meanie Land followed us! (The camera zooms up to show another sub with red lines on its side. Inside, a Meanie Officer resembling Viktor Tupolev and his lackey are shown.)
Meanie Officer: Open the glove compartment! Fire! (The enemy sub launches the Dreadful Flying Glove from its front.)
Old Fred: Another submarine fired a glove at the Blue October!
John Lennon: I know what to do. Steer our Submarine straight toward the glove.
Old Fred: You're crazy! We'll all die!
George Harrison: Who cares? We're just cartoons.
Ringo Starr: "Spull feed" ahead! [The Yellow Submarine moves toward the glove. Cut back to the inside of the enemy Meanie sub.]
Second Meanie: Should I arm the glove, sir?
Meanie Officer: Yes... Yesss! [jumps up and down] No! [The enemy sub launches a missile, which connects with the Dreadful Flying Glove.]
Ringo Starr: Oh, look, a hole. [Ringo picks up a hole and throws it upward. The armed glove is swallowed up.]
Meanie Officer: What happened? Why didn't it explode? Periscope! [The periscope is lowered, and the armed glove pops out of it.]
Meanie Officer: Ohh... fuck. [The missile goes off, and the enemy Meanie sub explodes. The Beatles and the Captain cheer on.]
Paul McCartney: Hole in one, Ringo. How did you know it would work?
Ringo Starr: I didn't. I'm on acid.
John Lennon: Way to go, Ringo. Maybe now you can sleep with the groupies first.
Ringo Starr: Really?
Paul McCartney: No.
Beatles: Love your love with love... Just love your love with love... [Everyone starts laughing, chattering, and singing.]

The Ramblings of Maurice [4.16][edit]

Graph Guy: Our cereal sales are WAY down! What do we do?!?
Internet Executive: I've got 4 words for you: Sugar, Internet, Viral, Video, and some punctuation: EXCLAMATION POINT!

{Music Begins: Download the Free MP3 (Some rights reserved under creative commons license)}

Cocoa Vampire: Oooooooooo... Chocolate Grain (Subscribe!), Bits of corn, Marshmallow, other stuff (**Breathing away from mic. Yes, vampires do breathe). Chocolate grain, 5 times more sugar than Choco Puffs. Chocolate grain, tell your parents it's what they should buy (Buy the SHIRT!). Chocolate grain, so much sugar you'll get crazy high. Chocotate grain, if you have diabetes, stay away. Chocolate grain, it's something that our lawyers made us say. Chocolate grain, the 'mount of sugar will drive you insane. Chocolate grain, 100 percent sugar, zero grain!!!
Graph Guy: Sales for Cocoa Vampire are through the roof! What else ya got?
Internet Executive: Well, for Fruit Monster, how about a video called, "Two Berries, One Cup?" I've put together a rough demo. Roll it!
Girl: Oh... (Giggling)
Executives except for Internet Executive: (vomit)

{Channel Flip}


Batman: I've followed you to this hot chocolate factory Two-face, and this time I'm bringing you down!
Two-face: Not so fast Batman! Your fate lies in a flip of this coin, heads you live, tails you die!

[Two-face flips coin, it comes up tails.]

Two-face: Huh, death!

[Batman lunges at Two-face accidentally pressing his face against the burning hot chocolate mixer.]

Two-face: AAAAHHHHH!!!
Batman: I'm sorry Harvey.
Two-face: Don't call me Harvey, call me by my new name.

[Two-face turns to reveal a second burn mark over half of his already burned face.]

Two-face: Three-face!

[Three-face pulls out a three sided die.]

Three-face: This is my three sided die, one you live, two you die, three we drink hot chocolate together.

[Three-face rolls his three sided die, it comes up a two.]

Three-face: Ohuh, looks like you're gunna three sided DIE!

[Three-face lunges at Batman, he slips trying to get out of bed.]

Batman: Watch out for that bleach!

[Three-face falls face first into a tray with various liquids on it, a bottle of bleach shatters and hits him and the bleach gets on his face.]

Three-face: AAAAHHHHH!!!

[Batman meets Three-face on top of a roof.]

Batman: Three-face I'm really sorry about the hospital.
Three-face: Call me by my real name.

[Three-face turns around to reveal a fourth burn on the good half of his face.]

Three-face: Four-face!

[Four-face pulls out four straws.]

Four-face: I'm holding four straws in my hand, if you choose the shortest one you die! If you choose the longest one you live! The other two will determine whether I throw bleach on your costume or we drink hot chocolate together.
Batman: Alright Four-face I'll play your game!

[Batman hesitates on his first try and picks a straw on his second.] [Cut to a diner where Four-face and Batman are enjoying a rather pleasent meal, Four-face is enjoying a steaming cup of hot chocolate and Batman is sampling the diner's soup.]

Four-face: Oh, OH! This is really good hot chocolate!
Batman: Hmm... The soup's not bad either.
Four-face: Oh yeah, can I try some?

[Four-face grabs for Batman's soup.] [Batman tries to stop him from taking it, fearing that the soup is too hot for Four-face.]

Batman: WAIT HARVEY NO!!

[The soup splashes against Four-face's face burning him on contact.]

Four-face: AAAAHHHHH!!!

Jim Henson Company Executive 1: Ah, our Dark Crystal sequel is doomed!
Executive 2: Well, it's been in development Hell for years. Now theaters don't even want it.
Executive 1: We need a brand-new take. Something that really tricks kids into thinking they want to see a movie about puppets. [Cut to the next scene, where Jen is wearing a rapper-style outfit.)
Jen: Yo, whassup, everybody? This is Lil' Jen, aka MC Gelfling! Lemme take you on a little journey! Raise up your glasses y'all, and get ready for the story of the Dark... Cris... tal! [The UrSkeks are seen drinking booze, when suddenly, one of them, driving a car, fires at them, breaking off part of the large bottle in the center. The race is split up into the UrRus and Skeksis, who go their separate ways.]
Jen: Once upon a time, in the distant land of Thura, there was a huge-ass super-sized bottle of Cristal, living under three suns, all the peoples having fun! They were clinking and drinking, Cristal for everyone, but then there was a drive-by. Oh snap! Hit the deck! It was the Skeksis in a Lexus with a tech! Bottle got wrecked, it split two different races to two different places. The Skeksis headed West with their creepy dead bird faces. The UrRus waited on the East Coast for all their help to come. They were a bunch of Mystics who like to sit around and hum... [The UrRus start humming rhythmically]
Jen: Ah, yeah. That sound good right there. In step, the prophecy, there's no stopping me! Gelfling's gonna help things, pretty soon we'll be popping C-R-I-S to the T-A-L. Full throttle, fix the bottle and break that spell! [Jen is seen rapping along with other characters from the film.]
Jen and Chorus: Whole world is ugly, no one's sipping on bubbly, wanna get busy, but without the fizzy, the ladies won't love me. I gotta save the land of Thura, I am far and mystical. Gonna wreck me some Skeksis and go get that Cristal. I went to Aughra and got that cracked up shard of Cristal. Whoo! Then I met Kira and Fizzgig, he was a little fuzzy ball.
Fizzgig: Whassup, y'all? [Jen and Kira are seen riding on Landstriders, and they encounter the Skeksis. Jen is seen leaping into the air, and places the broken shard onto the bottle. Jen is seen rapping again as the world's former glory is restored.]
Jen: Jumped on a Landstrider, rode to the castle, faced off with the Skeksis. Man, those dudes are crazy assholes! I put the cracked shard of the bottle back into the right spot! Now the East and West Coasts got back together, and this joint is fucking hot!
Jen and Chorus: Yeah, this party's a blast, Cristal's flowing fast. I'm thinking I wanna get up in Kira's ass. We're all having a ball, there won't be no last call. West and East, squash the beef! They're all drinking Cristal. More people still coming, and the Mystics still humming, they go... [The UrRus start humming rhythmically]
Jen: Yeah.
Chorus: That's the end of the Dark Cristal...
Jen: Hoes! [Cut back to the executives, who are standing in front of a portrait of Jim Henson.]
Executive 1: Well, we failed you, Jim.[The executives commit suicide by drinking poison.]
Executive 2: Aaah... Sweet... relief...[They stagger off to die.]

Can't Be Erased, So Sorry [4.17][edit]


Inmate [talking to Monopoly pieces]: Hey, man. What'chu in for?

-->

[A costumed character known as "The Mockingbird" is sitting bound to a chair, and gets punched in the face. Another character in a bird-like costume is revealed to be interrogating the Mockingbird]
Finch: Ready to talk, Mockingbird?
[Mockingbird spits out some blood]
Mockingbird: (mocking) "Ready to talk, Mockingbird?"
Finch: Aah! I should've seen that coming! Scout, see if the coast is clear!
[A bird-costumed character wearing goggles and a speaker-phone searches, then turns toward Finch]
Scout: Coast is clear, Finch.
Finch: Good. 'Cause I'm about to kill a Mockingbird!
[Mockingbird clicks a button on a detonation device, which breaks his bindings. He then kicks Finch in the crotch, then whacks him with the chair, and kicks him a few times more]
Scout: Jem! Jem! Use your gemstones!
[A character in a red bird costume shows up. Jem fires beams from the gemstones on his wings, effectively killing Mockingbird before he can get away]
Scout, Finch, and Jem: Yeah!
[The group celebrates, then cut to a classroom. It's revealed that this was all part of a report]
Student: And... that's my book report on "How to Kill a Mockingbird" by Lee... Harper... Oswald or whoever...
Teacher: Couldn't even spring for the Cliffs Notes, huh? [The teacher whacks the student upside the head]

Please Do Not Notify Our Contractors [4.18][edit]

Cop: You realize when I pulled you over, you were doing 87 miles an hour?
Marty: Yeah, I know. Believe me, I know.

Especially the Animal Keith Crofford! [4.19][edit]

Bumblelion: I love being a Wuzzle! We get to be two animals at once! Take me — I'm a bumblebee and a lion!
Eleroo: And I'm an elephant and a kangaroo.
Butterbear: You know what grosses me out, Bumblelion? How'd your parents get together? [Cuts to a lion and a bumblebee.]
Lion: OW! What the hell!? You think you can just sting me, you little bumblebee? Wow, you're a cute little bumblebee. Oh, you little cutie, come here. [The lion turns around to have sex with the bumblebee.]
Lion: Oh, yeah! Owch! Ahh, owch! Sting me in the hole! Owch, sting me in the hole! Owch, sting me in the hole! Owch!

[Goes back to the three Wuzzles.]

Bumblelion: UGH! I don't wanna think about THAT anymore. What about you. Eleroo?

[Goes to a kangaroo and an elephant about to have sex.]

Elephant: Now, this might hurt a little.

[In a sex position, the elephant crushes the kangaroo, who screams. Afterwards we return to the Wuzzles.]

Eleroo: EW! How about you, Donkeyhuman? [The camera moves to reveal Donkeyhuman.]
Donkeyhuman: (brays) As far as I know...
Other 3 Wuzzles [interrupting Donkeyhuman]: *all at once* Actually I don't wanna know. Yeah, I'm not interested. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean it. I'm good.


Season 5[edit]

Saving Private Gigli [5.2][edit]

Matthew Senreich: [during the opening Saving Private Ryan parody war scene, as Seth Green is shot down] I'll tell your story! [Matthew Senreich is shot down]
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: I'll tell Seth Green's story! Yours has less commercial appeal!

Big Trouble in Little Clerks 2 [5.4][edit]

Doctor: Sorry Twiki, but you have dia bidi bidi bidis.

Kramer vs. Showgirls [5.5][edit]

[A group of people are leaving the theatre which was showing American Pie, the people go inside McDonald's, the people start screaming inside]
Announcer: And top off that Happy Meal with a tasty apple pie. Warning: Apple pies are hot; do not stick your dick in McDonald's apple pie.

Malcolm X: Fully Loaded [5.6][edit]

Tarzan: Tarzan love Jane.
Jane: I love you too Tarz —
Tarzan: But, Tarzan not in love with Jane.

Doug: So I just moved to LA. You wanna get some Dunkin' Donuts?
Man: We don't have any Dunkin' Donuts in LA. [a shocked Doug slowly looks at the viewers, traumatized. Then the camera zooms closer and closer at Doug and slowly fades to a brown background with a word "WHY?" in capital letters]

Major League of Extraordinary Gentlemen [5.7][edit]

Spongebob: [At the Krusty Krab] Krabby Patties are made out of crab! [customers gasp, Green Fish retches, spits]
Mr. Krabs: Heh heh. Everybody knows Krabby Patties are me family's secret recipe, boy.
Spongebob: Then explain this! [Holds out box of crab legs] You said you fired Carl the night janitor. But this is his tattoo! [Holds crab leg that says "Born 2 Lose"]
Mr. Krabs: You little yellow bastard! I treated you like a son, me boy!
Spongebob: And it's not just crabs! Squidward, those calamari rings are squid!
Squidward: [Throws up]
Spongebob: And your Chicken-Of-The-Sea salad? Ha! Tuna! Chicken-Of-The-Sea is TUNA!
Yellow Fish: [Pushes bowl out of reach]
Customers: [Get up and form around Mr. Krabs]
Green Fish: You fed us to us!
Orange Fish: Are we paying you to kill us?
Spongebob: You're disgusting.
Mr. Krabs: No! I'm the last honest man in Bikini Bottom!! We're all animals, boys and girls. Eating each other is what nature intended.
Customers: [Beat up Mr. Krabs]
Spongebob: [Sighs] I'm just glad nothing disgusting ever happens to a sponge.
[At a hospital. A morbidly obese man sits on a bed with a nurse at his side.]
Nurse: Okay, just gotta scrub deep within your rolls of fat, and we're done. [Begins scrubbing with a sponge]
Spongebob: [Pushes scene aside] I SAID, NOTHING DISGUSTING EVER HAPPENS TO A SPONGE! *Splat*
Nurse: Uggh... I hope that's pudding in there...

[Ernest opens the windows and sniffs the air]

Ernest: Aah, a wonderful day to make cookies. Cookies with the finest ingredients, the smoothest chocolate, and...

[Ernest suddenly sniffs the air again, sensing danger]

Ernest: Oh, then I live to see this day.

[He pulls out a horn and blows it. The elves stop working and get their weapons and armor.]

Keebler soldier: [nervously] Are you Ernest?
Ernest: Yes. Listen to the voice upon the wind. You will know it to be true.
Cookie Monster: Cooookiiiiie...

[The soldiers gasp]

Cookie Monster: Cooookiiiiie...

[The soldiers gasp again]

Cookie Monster: COOKIE!!!
Ernest: Hold!

[The soldiers hold their attack. Cookie Monster eats several soldiers.]

Ernest: Hold!

[The soldiers still hold their attack. Cookie Monster still eats several more soldiers.]

Ernest: Hold!

[Ernest runs off]

Ernest: I owed him overtime.
Keebler elf: Bu-bu-but you owe me overtime...which is no big deal.

[Cookie Monster chases them both] Cookie Monster: Coooooookiiiiiiiiiie!!!! [Ernest and the elves run inside, Cookie Monster rams the door three times] Cookie Monster: Cookie! Cookie! Coookiiiie!!!

Keebler elf: I didn't sign up for this. I just wanted to make cookies!
Keebler elf: I'm making cookies in my pants right now! They're shaped like poo!

[Cookie Monster crashes throught the door] Cookie Monster: COOKIE!!!! [He grabs one of the elves and smacks him on the floor, one of the elves fires arrows on his hand and then stabs a sword in it, Cookie Monster screams, the elf then sticks a grappling hook in his upper jaw and pins him down]

Keebler elf: Now, give the monster what he wants!
Keebler elf: Diabetes?
Keebler elf: Good common on modern culture, but no. Cookies!

[The elves feed Cookie Monster cookies]

Keebler elf: Faster, Buckets! Pack that fudge! Pack that fudge, dammit!

[Buckets laughs]

Keebler elf: Save your immaturity from when we're not about to be killed, you idiot! [Chuckles] Fudge.
Cookie Monster: [Through mouth full of cookies] Cookie monster...can't stop...can't stop eating cookies...

[Cookie Monster's belly bursts open, the elves cheer.] [We cut to court room, where Cookie Monster's mommy is sobbing.]

Cookie Monster's mommy: They know he had cookie addiction. It like they feed heroin to junkie.
Lawyer: It was a home invasion, they acted in self defense!
Judge Brown: Order please! Order! The court fines in favour of Keebler, Inc. I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles.
Cookie Monster's mommy: Me son is dead and you make pun?! Me kill you! Me fucking kill you!!

[She eats Judge Brown's head. Two police officers step in and shoot her.]

Schindler's Bucket List [5.8][edit]

Gonzo: For my next feat, I will walk across hot coals while explaining what the hell I am.
Hooded Killer: No! For your next feat, you die!
[The Hooded Killer fires a cannon, decapitating Gonzo, and Gonzo's corpse falls on the hot coals. The scene then cuts straight to Gonzo's funeral.]
Kermit: Gonzo died as he lived, and our family will never be whole again. And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Steve Martin! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!
Steve Martin: The lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lay down-
Miss Piggy: [interrupting] Oh, are we burying him in a Sybian?
[Camilla clucks and jumps on the coffin.]
Fozzie: You know, the last time a Muppet died-
Steve Martin:: [interrupting] Excuse me?
Fozzie: Don’t you mean, "Excuuuuuuuuuuuuse me"?
Steve Martin: No, this is a funeral. I’m working. Do I come to where you work and knock the shit outta your mouth?!
Kermit: Wow, Steve’s working blue, but he’s right. We vowed never to talk about that night. [the characters look at Scooter, then back at each other. Cut to Fozzie's room]
Fozzie: And then the dam says, "the aristocrats"! Wocka, wocka!
Hooded Killer: Hey, Fozzie. Why did the bear turn red?
Fozzie: I don’t know, stranger.
Hooded Killer: Because he was embarrassed!
Fozzie: [deadpan clapping] Wocka wocka.
Hooded Killer: Then how about this? Because I fucking stabbed him! [stabs Fozzie]
Fozzie: What a show stopper...
Statler: See? I told you the bear was gonna die onstage tonight.
[Statler and Waldorf laugh]
Fozzie: Hey, guys, can you stop laughing and call me an ambulance?
Waldorf: You're an ambulance.
[Statler and Waldorf laugh again, as the killer drags Fozzie away forcefully, and pushes a wagon on-stage]
[Wheels Squeaking]
Kermit: First Gonzo, now Fozzie. Could we be paying the price for what we did?
Miss Piggy: Don’t say that name, Kermy.
Kermit: Oh, Miss Piggy’s telling me what to do. Wow, hey, everybody! Come here! You gotta come see this. Piggy’s telling me what to do! Wow, must be a date to the why!
[Scooter is carrying props.]
Kermit: Oh hey, uh, Scooter?
Scooter: Oh! Hey there, boss.
Kermit: We need to talk about Skeeter’s death.
Scooter: Why, sure. I love talking about my twin sister, if not for that tragic accident.
Kermit: You know, I’m gonna stop you right there. I got something I gotta tell you.
[Flashback to 'Muppet Babies' parody]
Kermit: Let’s play "The Little Mermaid"!
Fozzie: Let’s question Kermit’s sexuality. Wocka wocka!
Scooter: Hold on! Let me grab my floaties.
Skeeter: What a nerd.
Piggy: [clears throat] Moi will play "La Petite Mermaid".
Skeeter: Mermaids aren’t fat! [Smack!]
Kermit: Yikes! Skeeter, if you only take my advice once in your natural life, take it now. Walk away.
[Skeeter slaps Kermit away]
Fozzie: Nanny! Skeeter’s hitting us again!
Kermit: Yeah, who's the homo now?
[More smacking sounds; Skeeter gets hit by a wagon.]
Kermit: If we do this thing, it’s our secret forever.
[All Muppet Babies agree and drown Skeeter in the pool.]
All Muppet Babies: Nanny?!
[Back to present]
Scooter: You killed my sister?
Kermit: It was 60% self-defense. But we're kind of burying the lead here. And we think Skeeter’s come back from the grave for revenge!
Scooter: Oh, Skeeter will have her revenge…
[Scooter becomes Skeeter {I have absolutely no idea how taking glasses off and putting an eyeless pair makes you into Skeeter}, and Kermit and Miss Piggy scream in fear.]
Scooter/Skeeter: [attacks Kermit] Fifteen seconds till your death!
Miss Piggy: HIIII-YAH! [she misses] Wuh!
Scooter/Skeeter: Here it comes. Showtime!
Camilla: [clucking, subtitled] "Get away from her, you bitch!"
Scooter/Skeeter: You can’t shoot me. Chickens don’t even have fingers.
[Camilla fires an arrow, stabbing Scooter/Skeeter in the head.]
Scooter/Skeeter: Oooooooooh!
Steve Martin [chuckling]: It never gets old.

Catch Me If You Kangaroo Jack [5.10][edit]

Joker: [laughing sinisterly in his hideout] Watch out, Gotham City, no-one can stop... The Joker! [Batman immediately swoops in, and starts graphically beating up the Joker into submission. A time card then appears reading "Many Hours Later..." and continues to show Batman beating down the Joker. Before he lands another punch, he shakes his wrist out of numbness, then lands the punch, then stops]
Batman: No! One more punch would kill you! And I won't kill you!
The Joker: That means somehow I win! I go to jail, break out, kill people, go to jail!! Rinse and repeat —
Batman: Yes, I know, it's an endless cycle. But I'm sworn to let the courts do their work. [to himself] Now what to do? Hmmm... :[scene immediately cuts to a courtroom]
Judge: And with the accepted go-to by Batman, [aside glance] thank you, Batman, the court has decided on the death penalty!
Batman: [to Joker] Sorry, it's out of my hands.
Commissioner Gordon: Maurice P. Joker, in response to over 200 thousand accounts of murder, and several other crimes that seem minor compared to 200 thousand accounts of murder, you have been sentenced to death. Have you any last words?
The Joker: [in an almost sincere voice] I knew Jesus has forgiven me.
Police Officer: Is that a joke?
The Joker: [sobbing] No! [the police officer then pulls the switch for the electric chair the Joker is strapped to, and he starts to become violently electrocuted]
Police Officer: That's not right.
Commissioner Gordon: Keep going until he's dead! It would be monstrous to stop now!!
The Joker: [as he's still being electrocuted] F*ck you, Dork Knight! [everyone else except for Gordon and Batman throw up in revulsion, soon the Joker shows no sign of movement]
Police Officer: Oh, oh- [he and a fellow officer investigate the body, and tap it, only to see it react one final time before his head explodes]
Commissioner Gordon: [nervously backing away] I didn't know- I-I didn't know...
Batman: Wait! [opens Gordon's palm, to see that one of the shock sponge pads was ripped off the electric chair helmet] But why?
Commissioner Gordon: [somberly] For Barbara. [Batman grips Gordon, almost threatening to knock him out, until he pulls out the other shock sponge pad. They both laugh it off.]

[a game of Contra is being played, with the Konami Code being entered for extra lives. One of the characters is shot down]
Contra Guy: No!! Damn you Contra bastards! [pauses] Or are we the Contras? I can never tell.
[the other character is brought back]
Contra Guy: Wow! You're alive!
Other Contra Guy: Seems that way. Maybe we're immortal?
[the first Contra guy goes up and gets shot down, then brought back to life]
Both: [high-fiving each other] Groundhog Day, mother(bleep)ers!

Other Contra Guy: [grabs a grenade] Ooh, what's this? A message in a bottle? Oh no! It's a grenade. Go tell my family that- Oh, wait, I'm immortal (bleep)ers! Run for the hills! [the grenade explodes and he dies, but DOES NOT respawn]
Contra Guy: What? No! What kind of sick f*ck gives a man exactly thirty lives? [is shot down, and a Game Over screen appears]

Nerd: [to his computer] Oh, computer, your real name should be porn funnel! I love my family more than you, but only collectively. On a case-by-case basis, I [starts falling asleep] love you more than- any- individual- family member. -->

Beastmaster and Commander [5.11][edit]

Justin Beiber: [singing in a comedically terrible Auto-Tune voice] Aaah, I'm crushing on crushes. Bicycles, lemonade, Game Boys. And I'm feeling so highhhh [Feeling so high, girl.] I like Skittles, Skittles Skittles.
Director: And cut! [turns towards the producer] This is the edgiest thing I've ever worked on.
Producer: Edgy?
Director: Yeah. A young lesbian, proud of who she is, and singing about it; awesome.
Producer: That's a little boy![the Director drops his megaphone in disbelief]

[At the Peanuts school, the teacher is addressing the students, [which of course is barely understood by the audience)]
Charlie Brown: Wow! A new kid is coming. Maybe he'll take my spot on the totem pole around here.
Lucy: You'll always be the shit catcher, Charlie Brown!
Sally: Whoever he is, I doubt he'll replace my sweet baboo!
Linus: [rolls his eyes] Oh, brother!
[new kid struts in]
Kid: Hey everyone! My name's Ren. Ren McCormick.
Sally: [pushes Linus away] Hello!!
Charlie Brown: You're just in time for the school play. We're practicing a number for our Christmas production.
Ren: I love to dance! My last school banned dancing entirely. [silence] You might say dancing makes me feel footloose and fancy free. [silence] [sighs] I'm Kevin Bacon's character from Footloose. [still silence, the characters then start dancing their signature dance] Oh my God, that is the worst dancing I have ever seen.
Pigpen: Excuse me?
Ren: Sorry, [bleep]-box...
Pigpen: It's Pigpen.
Ren: Sorry.
Pigpen: It's alright. You made a lateral error, at best.
Ren: You're just doing the same move over and over. I mean, what is that guy even doing? [cuts to the kid dancing the running man]
Kid: I couldn't think of a dance! I panicked!!
Ren: Sorry, I need to get the [bleep] out of here. I'd rather have a town with no dancing, than this. [leaves; the group resumes with their dancing, while Snoopy fantasizes about doing an 80s-style dance routine, before cutting back to Ren's school]
Ren's Classmate: Hey, Ren! It turns out you can't ban dancing. It's unconstitutional!
Ren: Alright!
Ren's Classmate: Yeah, but then they passed a law saying we have to use creationist textbooks.
Ren: [stops dancing] Rats!

Some Like It Hitman [5.14][edit]

Snape: [to Hogwarts students after explaining how to mix a potion] Well, why aren't you writing this down?
Ron: We usually don't start until you insult Harry.
Snape: Am I really that predictable? Fine. Uh, Potter, you fool!
Ron: [after mixing his potion] Well, bottoms up. [drinks it]
Herminone: How much drops of wolfsbane extract did you use?
Ron: Uh, three? [his jaw suddenly contracts and his teeth fire off the gums before his head explodes]
Herminone: Professor Snape, what happened?
Snape: He used too much wolfsbane extract, it looks like.
Harry: He used one extra drop! That margin for error is pretty bloody slim!
Herminone: This spell's supposed to change our eye color. Why would we risk exploding skulls just to change our eye color?
Snape: Uh... Potter, you fool?

[A parody of the "Be Our Guest" song from Beauty and the Beast is shown, as Lumiere, Cogsworth, Ms. Potts and Chip appear on the table]
Lumiere: [sung] So you're dining with a beast/That doesn't mean you shouldn't feast.
Cogsworth: Let us handle reservations/give your taste buds a sensation! [a chamber pot appears, butting into the song]
Defecacci: Have your fill, eat more still/There's no need to slow your pace. After dinner, you'll be thinner/once you sit down on my face.
Lumiere: [pushes Chamber Pot away] Have some seconds/eat a lot-
Defecacci: Then come meet your chamber pot...
Lumiere [speaking, as music stops completely] Excuse me, we are trying to serve dinner here!
Defecacci: What? Defecacci doesn't get to sing along? I'm a person too! Defecacci never asked to be a chamber pot!
Lumiere: None of us asked to be stuck in the form of household items, but people are eating!
Defecacci: Oh, so she gets to meet Defecacci after dinner, eh? I have to live a solitary existence punctuated by people pooping in my-
Lumiere: [angrily] I said, people are EATING!
Defecacci: [bounds away in a huff] Dah, porca miseria...
Lumiere: OK, let's just get through this dinner, so the Beast can bang this bitch and...Belle? Where did Belle go?
[cuts away to Belle crapping into Defecacci]
Defecacci: Ring the bell, sound the horn!/Looks like someone's eaten corn.
Belle: [in disgust] Does everything have to be a (bleep)ing song?!

Mr. Phillipson: [discovering his sex client is a duck] Holy shit! You're a duck!
Donna Duck: That's right, baby! Now why don'tcha ruffle my feathers?
Mr. Phillipson: Why are you a duck?
Donna Duck: I'm what you ordered.
Mr. Phillipson: I did not order a duck.
Donna Duck: I don't know how it could've gotten out wrong.
Mr. Phillipson: Oh, what kind of four letter word other than duck would I use with a bad cell phone connection?
Donna Duck: [sighs] Fine. But you're still going to have to pay me for your time.
Mr. Phillipson: There's no way I'm going to pay to not f*ck a cartoon duck. Normally, not paying to not f*ck a cartoon duck is free.
Donna Duck: [dials her cell phone] We have a problem.
Mr. Phillipson: Who are you calling? [Donna's bodyguard bursts in]
Stedman: [in a stereotypical gangster patois] Have we gots ourselves a problem here?
Mr. Phillipson: Uh, no?
Stedman: Just pay the duck!
Mr. Phillipson: This isn't fair! I shouldn't have to- [starts getting beaten up]
Donna Duck: Whip his ass, Stedman. Whip his ass!!

The Core, The Thief, The Wife, and his Lover [5.15][edit]

[Kratos is slicing away at several enemies in front of a castle building]
Kratos: I, Kratos, the God of War, feed the Blades of Chaos with the blood orbs of your souls! [walks in and finds himself in a bedroom where a naked man and woman are waiting for him]
Artemis: [voice] Quickly, Kratos! Pleasure your lovers and receive a bounty of blood orbs!
Kratos: Uh, one of them's a dude.
Artemis: What's the problem? You're in Greece.
Kratos: I'M NOT SLEEPING WITH A DUDE!
Artemis: Surely, you would let him watch if I offered you 1000 blood orbs.
Kratos: [thinking] The Blades of Chaos are thirsty... I could not turn that down.
Artemis: We'll make it 1,500 and he gets to play with your balls.
Kratos: What? Who do you think I am?!
Artemis: We already established that. Now we're just negotiating.
Kratos: Oh, I see what you did there. Very smug and demeaning.
Artemis: I'm just going to throw this out there. 2,000 blood orbs, anything goes.
Kratos: Alright. [pauses] You're not going to watch, are you?
Artemis: Only as long as I need to.

The Curious Case of the Box [5.17][edit]

Dora the Explorer: [climbing Mt. Everest] I'm Dora the Explorer, and I fear this mountain may be my grave.

Jesus: [the Grim Reaper has just killed an old woman named Gladys in heaven] You can't do that!
Grim Reaper: Did it!
Jesus: You can't die in heaven, Dad! Tell him!
God: Actually you can. You see, if you die in heaven, you go to - Super Heaven.
Jesus: What?!
Gladys: [playing an electric guitar while riding a motorcycle as fireworks go off] Super Heaven is awesome!!

Season 6[edit]

Executed by the State [6.1][edit]

[Wile E. Coyote is chasing the Road Runner on rocket powered roller skates. The Coyote crashes into a fake tunnel. The Road Runner holds up a sign saying "Fake Tunnel" & the Coyote holds up a sign saying "No shit".]
Road Runner: Meep Meep! [runs off]
[The Coyote feeling sad holds up different signs saying "What am I doing in my life?". He tosses signs reading "I will catch him", "It's what I was meant to do", and "My life has a meaning" into a fire. The Coyote finds a box saying "Acme Suicide Kit", containing plastic bags and duct tape, to which he holds up a sign reading "$149???" The Coyote puts a plastic bag on his head, wraps the tape around his neck, & suffocates. At a church the Road Runner goes to the Coyote's funeral]
Road Runner: [sadly] M-meep Meep.
[The Coyote reveals that he is not dead, holds up a sign saying "Fake funeral" & kills the Road Runner by shooting him with a flame thrower. As the Coyote is eating the Road Runner, he holds up a sign saying "In case you were wondering...", then turns it around, revealing, "...yes, I have an erection."]


Poisoned by Relatives [6.4][edit]

Sagat: We meet again, Ryu, only this time, we fight to the death!
Ryu: Actually, no. It's to knockout, best two out of three. Remember? It was all covered in the packet.
Sagat: Uh...sorry, what now?
Ryu: [pulling out a packet] The packet I spent weeks putting together? You don't have your packet?
Sagat: Oh, right, right! No, I have it. It's just...[starts searching his bag] ...it's in the bag.
[Ryu's phone rings]
Ryu: Yeah. Well, Ken, if your opponent's late, you give him a call. There's a contact sheet in the packet.
Ken: [not looking] Let's see...contact sheet, contact sheet—no, I don't see it. You must've forgotten to put it in.
Ryu: Fine. I'll get it for you. [Call waiting beep] Hold on. [Switches line] What's the problem, Guile?
Guile: I'll tell you the problem—E. Honda's venue is a bathhouse, like a full-on "we're all guys here, so let's get naked" bathhouse.
E. Honda: What? In my culture, it's a familiar setting.
Guile: No one told me I'd be fighting with all these sushi rolls hanging out.
Ryu: It was all described in the pac...! [Call waiting beep] Oh, hold on a minute. [Switches line] What is it? [Blanka screams at front desk holding chihuahua] No! Don't you scream at me. It's specifically noted that your hotel doesn't allow pets. [Call waiting beep, switches line] What?!
Ken: It's been twenty minutes. I don't think E. Honda's coming.
Ryu: E. Honda? [Looks at packet] You're not fighting E. Honda, you're fighting a Honda.
Ken: I'm fighting a car?
Ryu: Yes.
Ken: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Ryu: It was in the packet! You know what? From now on, you lose your packet, you are out of the tournament!
Ken: [sarcastically] Fine, fine, I'm punching the car. Oh, he's not hitting back. How exciting! Wow, what a great idea. [Changes tone] Hey, this is kind of fun. Shoryuken! [Gets into it] Shoryuken!
Sagat: Tiger! Tiger! [Boom!] Oh, man! I accidentally just tiger-punched my packet, dude! That is classic Sagat. I mean, I don't know what happened there.
Ryu: [answering phone] This better be good, M. Bison.
M. Bison: [at top of pyramid in Q*Bert] I think I got the wrong packet.
[Punches Q*Bert]

Robot Chicken: Star Wars (2007)[edit]

Intro Text: Not long ago in a galaxy not far enough away...

Emperor Palpatine: [snickering, while talking with two guests] So, I threw the senate at him — the whole senate! True story!
Guest 1: Oh, my God! That is so funny!
Guest 2: [chuckling, while drinking milk from a carton] You made it come out of my nose!
Emperor Palpatine: [laughs; phone beeps; presses a button] Go for Papa Palpatine.
Operator: You have a collect call from:
Darth Vader: [breathing] ...Darth Vader.
Emperor Palpatine: Eh... I gotta take this, hold on. [picks up phone] Vader! How's my favorite Sith? [pause] Whoa, whoa, whoa... whoa. Whoa. Just slow down. Huh? What do you mean they, "blew up the Death Star"? [pause] Fuck! Oh, fuck; fuck; fuck! Oh, who's "they"?! [pause] What the hell is an "Aluminum Falcon"?! [sighs] Ok. Ok. S-so, who's left? [pause] Are you shitting me?! Well, where are you?! Wait a sec, you've been flying around for two weeks trying to get a signal? Uggh, you must smell like... feet, wrapped in leathery, burnt bacon! [pause] Oh, oh, oh, I'm, I'm sorry, I thought my dark lord of the Sith could protect a small, thermal exhaust port that's only two meters wide! That thing wasn't even fully paid off yet! Do you have, do you have any idea what this is going to do to my credit? [phone beeps] Uggh, hang on, I got another call. [to other caller] What?! I'm very busy right now! [pause; calm] Oh... oh, well... well, where are they going? [pause] Oh, all right. Umm... just get me a.. turkey club. [pause] Uh... coleslaw, I guess. I'm, I'm not even going to eat it. Wha-what, what're you getting? Yeah, see, I, uh, always order the wrong thing. Naw, no, no, I'll just stick with that. Ok, bye — wh-what? [pause] Oh, uh, cherry Coke. Thanks. [switches back to Darth Vader] Sorry about that. [sighs; pause] What? Oh, oh, "just rebuild it"?! Oh, tha — , real, real fucking original! And who's going to give me a loan, jackhole, you?! You, you got an ATM on that torso Lite-Brite?! Now, get your seven-foot two asthmatic ass back here or I'm going to tell everyone what a whiny bitch you were about "Pada-mam-ay" or "Panda Bear" or whatever the hell her name is! [pause; covers phone with hand; whispering to guests] Oh, geez, he's crying! [snickers; back to Darth Vader] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey... c'mon... c'mon, don't do that. Just... just... ah, look, I'm just dealing with a lot of crap right now — the Death Star blown up by a bunch of fucking teenagers, you know? I didn't mean to snap. [pause; does a "wanker" hand motion] Oh, oh, just, just get back here. Okay... okay. Bye, ah... I... [pause; whispers into phone] I love you, too. [hangs up]

[inside the Mos Eisley Cantina]
Bartender: What'll it be, pal?
Jawa: [high-pitched voice] Martini!

Janitor: [on Naboo; whistling; Darth Maul's upper and lower torso fall in front of him as he's sweeping] Oh, gee — oh, my God! [sweeps it away] ...I gotta get that transfer to Coruscant.

Boy: [at breakfast table with his sister] Ugh, I guess we have to eat this boring oatmeal.
Admiral Ackbar: [bursts into the room and smacks the oatmeal bowls off the table] It's a trap!
Boy & Girl: Wow! Admiral Ackbar! [Admiral Ackbar takes out a box of Admiral Ackbar Cereal] Wow! Admiral Ackbar Cereal! [Admiral Ackbar pours the cereal into new cereal bowls]
Boy: Colorful marshmallows!
Girl: Imitation crab meat!
Admiral Ackbar: Your tongues can't repel flavor of that magnitude!
Girl: There's a prize in every box! [pours more cereal into the bowl as a blue flop falls out; children then look into the hall as Admiral Ackbar does a moonwalk]
Narrator: Admiral Ackbar Cereal! Now, with brine shrimp!

Ponda Baba: [in Ponda Baba's bedroom; wakes up and speaks in his native tongue — Ponda Baba grumbles in a deep, intimidating and incoherent voice] [subtitles] Today's gonna be great! I can already tell! [takes a shower; eats Admiral Ackbar Cereal while reading the back of the cereal box; brushes teeth; walks outside with a brown briefcase] [subtitles] Today's the day I get that promotion!
[at work]
Dr. Evazan: Wazuuuup, Ponda!
Ponda Baba: [subtitles] Wazuuuup, Evazan!
Dr. Evazan: Let's bust out early and hit that new cantina across the street!
Ponda Baba: [subtitles] I really shouldn't-
Dr. Evazan: C'mooon! One drink ain't gonna kill ya!
[at the Mos Eisley Cantina]
Dr. Evazan: — like I'm really gonna eat a bunch of bananas after that?!
Ponda Baba: [subtitles] Ha, ha, ha! You are so funny, man!
[ Luke Skywalker takes a seat besides Ponda Baba and accidentally bumps into his shoulder; Ponda gets his attention by pushing him on the shoulder. He then speaks to him but Luke is completely oblivious to what Ponda is saying]
Ponda Baba: [subtitles] I love your hair! Where do you get it done?
[Luke turns away; Evazan gets his attention by tapping him on the shoulder]
Dr. Evazan: He doesn't like you.
Ponda Baba: [subtitles] That's not what I said!
Luke Skywalker: Sorry. [turns away again; Evazan pushes Luke's shoulder]
Dr. Evazan: I don't like you, either. You better watch yourself. We're wanted men.
Ponda Baba: [subtitles] What?
Dr. Evazan: I have the death sentence on twelve systems.
Luke Skywalker: I'll be careful.
Dr. Evazan: You'll be dead!
Ponda Baba: [shoves Evazan away; shakes Luke by the shoulders] Hey! I'm really sorry about my friend, man. He's had way too much to drink-
[ Ben Kenobi severs Ponda Baba's arm with a lightsaber]
Ponda Baba: AAAGGGHHHHHH!!
[at work again]
Manager: Gee, Ponda. I just don't see how you can keep designing with no drawing arm.
Ponda Baba: [subtitles] But I'm ambidextrous. See? [lifts up a picture of an incredible poorly drawn house and flower]
Manager: I'm sorry, but we have to let you go. [walks away]
Ponda Baba: [subtitles] Dang it!

[ C-3PO walks through a metal detector and a buzzer goes off while R2-D2 slides through on a conveyor belt beside the metal detector]
C-3PO: Oh... oh, dear! My keys! [takes out keys and puts them into a tray despite the fact he is what's setting of the metal detector] Hah-hah!

Qui-Gon Jinn: [slicing through a steel door with a lightsaber; to Obi-Wan Kenobi] It's almost open, hold onto this. [puts his arm out with his lightsaber and lets go, thinking Obi-Wan has it — Obi-Wan drops his own lightsaber while trying to catch Qui-Gon's but fails as both lightsabers saw straight through several floors below]
Random Workers Below: Whoa, coming through! — The wall's on fire! — Get a first-aid kit! — [elephant trumpets] — Whoa, what was that?! — That looked like a lightsaber! — This is my first day! — [car alarm sets off]

Imperial Officer: Welcome to Orientation Day here on the jolly, old Death Star! Now, there are a few things we want to go over with you concerning Lord Vader. First and foremost, he thinks he has the power to strangle us! Truth is, he doesn't. If he ever realized this, he would kill us with his lightsaber. Thus, to keep us safe, we'll all pretend to get strangled. Ok! Let's try a practice.
[Commander Winston walks over]
Imperial Officer: Commander Winston here will assist me. I'm going to hold out my hand like Lord Vader, and he will pretend to be strangled. [holds out his hand as Winston gasps, holding his throat, pretending to be strangled] Gasping for air; grabs throat; yes, eyes back, and he's down! [Winston collapses] Good show, commander! Now, two of the floor chiefs will retrieve the corpse. [two floor chiefs retrieve Winston and drag him out of the room] Redress him, add a mustache... [Winston comes back in again] and he's back to work as Lieutenant Leopold! Vader has the satisfaction of killing someone, and we stay amongst the living! Why, Private Perkins over there has been strangled over 30 times! Haven't you Perkins? [laughs; Private Perkins is shown wearing funky-looking glasses and an old man's beard] Good man!

Nerd: [gets into an elevator with George Lucas; gasps] You're George Lucas!
George Lucas: Uhh, I take it you're here for the Star Wars convention?
Nerd: I sure am! Ooo, wanna see my costume? [begins to dress into it]
George Lucas: Uhhh... hm.
Nerd: See? I'm a Tauntaun! But I don't have to tell you — you invented Tauntauns!
George Lucas: Well, that's uh.. that's very interesting —
Nerd: Listen to my Tauntaun call! Oorah-rah-rah-ooh-rah-rah-rah-ooh-rah-ooh-rah-ahh!
George Lucas: [elevator stops] Uhh... nicely done. [runs out of the elevator; sees a group of Star Wars fans in front of him] Oh, dear God...
Star Wars Fan #1: [screaming] Oh, my God, George LUCAAAAAS!
George Lucas: Oh, dear God, oh, dear God... [runs away]
Star Wars Fan #2: I love you! Give me a baby!
Nerd: [halts George Lucas] Quickly, sir! Onto my back! I am your steed!
George: Uhh... [pause; gets on] I have a bad feeling about this...
Nerd: [begins hopping away] Oorah-rah-rah-ooh-rah-rah!
George: Oh, dear God! [they enter the convention room on the stage; Lucas gets off and stands at the podium and gets small feedback from the microphone] Uh, well, um... and I thought they smelt bad on the outside. [laughter, cheers, and applause from the audience]
Nerd: Just like in the movie! [George Lucas offers his hand to the nerd] Me?! [takes his hand and bows, hyperventilating] Thank you! Thank you!
[scene switches to the nerd in his old age with his grandson on his lap]
Old Nerd: ...And that was the greatest day of my whole life.
Grandson: What about when I was born?
Old Nerd: Not even close.

Space Slug #1: [emerges from a burrowed tunnel and attempts to devour the Millennium Falcon but misses; in an Cockney accent] Aww! Damn it!
Space Slug #2: [emerges from a tunnel right beside the other space slug; also, in a Cockney accent] Wuh, what is it?
Space Slug #1: I never get a spaceship! Never! I never get anything!
Space Slug #2: Should we order some Chinese food?
Space Slug #1: [whisper] I dunno... I guess.
Space Slug #2: I'll get some Chinese. [submerges into the hole and reappears with a headset on, dialing a number] Uh, hello, yeah, can we get, um... [to first space slug] what do you think? Five million tons of Kung Pao Chicken?
Space Slug #1: That's good.
Space Slug #2: [back to phone] Yeah, three million pot stickers, and, uh, one order of scallion pancakes and uh —
Space Slug #1: Oh, het some fried rice.
Space Slug #2: Oh, yeah, five million tons of fried rice. Um, cash or charge? It's um... hold on. [to first space slug] We're just gonna gobble him up when he gets here, right?
Space Slug #1: Yeah, 'course.
Space Slug #2: Ok, it's cash, then.

{Note: This is also part of the Massage Chair episode}

[at the doctor's office]
Doctor: Mr. President, your vitals all check out fine. There is just one thing — your midi-chlorian count is extraordinarily high.
George W. Bush: Does that mean that I'm one of them... what ah, whatcha call 'em... Jedis? [thinks; pulls down the doctor's pants with the Force; snickers]
[in bed, next to Laura Bush; George runs his hand up and down the side of Laura]
Laura Bush: Oooh, not tonight. I'm tired, honey.
George W. Bush: You're not tired; you want to have a threesome!
Laura Bush: [under mind control] I'm not tired; I want to have a threesome.
George W. Bush: [smiles and picks up phone] Get me Condi! [snickers]
[at a McDonalds; Bill Clinton pulls up in front of George's black SUV in the drive-thru in his red Corvette]
Bill Clinton: Oh, sorry, Dubyuh! Big Mac attack! Yeeeee-whoooo!
[George uses the Force to lift Bill Clinton's car into the air, then drops it into a pond near McDonalds]
Bill Clinton: Hey, hey! Whoa! What the dilly?!
George W. Bush: [parks in Bill Clinton's parking space; snickers]
[at the Lincoln Memorial; George W. Bush carves "W wuz hear" into the Lincoln Memorial with a lightsaber]
George W. Bush: [snickers] Saber beats rock. [gasps] What the hell?!
[the Lincoln Memorial raises up revealing a figure sitting underneath it, clouded by fog and a glowing white light; a machine lowers a top hat onto the figure's head; the figure turns around as a choir vocalizes, then reveals itself to be none other than Abraham Lincoln, who is a Sith]
Abraham Lincoln: Who dares disturb my slumber?
George W. Bush: Who dares question my... daring... of.. his.. dare? ...Jerk!
Abraham Lincoln: It is I who freed the slaves! I who indited —
George W. Bush: Boooriiing. Let's fight!
[Abraham Lincoln takes out a red lightsaber and begins to battle George W. until he finds himself cornered in the National Mall]
Abraham Lincoln: If you strike me down, I shall become — wait a minute, let me finish! Arrgghh!
George W. Bush: [attacks Abraham Lincoln with his lightsaber as Lincoln completely vanishes on contact with the saber, excluding his clothes] That'll teach you, George Washington!
[at the Death Star]
George W. Bush: Jenna, get over here right now! I am your father!
Jenna Bush: That's not true! That's impossible! My real father would let me go clubbing as late as I want! [gives George the finger]
George W. Bush: You little! [severs Jenna's middle finger off with a lightsaber]
Jenna Bush: Owwww! [falls off ledge]
George W. Bush: Oh, no! Baby, I-I'm sorry!
Jenna Bush: [slowly fades out as she falls] Ahhhhhh! You suck!
George W. Bush: Nnnoooooooooo —
[George wakes up in the White House Oval office]
George W. Bush: [snores] What?! Who? Was it just a dream...?
Executive: Mr. President, we still haven't found any weapons of mass destruction.
George W. Bush: [waves two fingers, thinking he still has the power of Jedi mind control] You have found weapons of mass destruction.
Executive: Uhhh... hi. We haven't.
George W. Bush: [still waving fingers] You have.
Executive: [sighs] I don't know what you're doing.
George W. Bush: [waves fingers faster] Bring me a taco.
Executive: Yes, sir. [runs to get a taco]
George W. Bush: [snickers] Tacos rule.

Weather Reporter: Cloud City will be cloudy this evening, followed by clouds.

[ Han Solo hacks open a dead Tauntaun's stomach with a lightsaber; a homeless man emerges from the wound with a beer bottle in hand]
Bum: Get your own Tauntaun!

Luke Skywalker: Your overconfidence is your weakness.
Emperor Palpatine: Your faith in your friends is yours!
Luke Skywalker: [chuckle; whisper] Faith in yo' mama.
Emperor Palpatine: What was that?!
Luke Skywalker: I said, yo' mama so fat, Jabba the Hutt said, "DAAAAMN!"
Emperor Palpatine: Well, your mother's so ugly, she put the "Ug" in Ugnaught!
Darth Vader: Aww, yo' mama fight!
[Darth Vader stands by a chalkboard to keep score while making a piece of chalk levitate with the Force; Luke and Emperor Palpatine stand on opposite sides from each other]
Luke Skywalker: Yo' mama so stupid, she spent all day saying, "am not!" to R2! [Vader gives Luke a point]
Crowd: Oooohh!
Emperor Palpatine: Your mother is so fat that Ben Kenobi said, "that's no moon, [gets up in Luke's face] that's yo' mama!" [gets a point from Vader]
Crowd: Ohhh!
Luke Skywalker: Yo' mama so dumb, she thought Jar-Jar, comes with "Pickles-Pickles"! [Vader gives Luke another point]
Crowd: Oooh!
Emperor Palpatine: Your mother is so stupid, she.. she thinks a lightsaber has fewer calories! [silence; Palpatine acts as if he'll get a big, positive reaction but doesn't; Darth Vader shakes his head in disgrace]
Guy in Crowd: Huh? I don't get it.
Emperor Palpatine: It's "lite"... like, it's "lite," like calories... like, "lite" means there's not a lot of calories and it's good.... for your body, that's how stupid your mother is. [does not earn a point]
Luke Skywalker: Yo' mama so stupid, she went to Bangkok to get a TIE Fighter! [receives another point]
[the crowd cheers]
Luke Skywalker: And Luke wins!
[Darth Vader lifts Emperor Palpatine over his head and walks him over to a ledge]
Emperor Palpatine: What are you doing? Wh-what are you doing?! P-put me down! N-no! [Vader tosses Palpatine over the ledge] AAAHHHHHH!

[in the prisoner control room; Luke Skywalker, Han Solo (both dressed as Stormtroopers), and Chewbacca gun down multiple Stormtroopers]
Stormtrooper Officer: [on a communication panel] What's happened up there?
Han Solo: [takes off helmet and sits next to the communication panel] Uh, we had a slight weapons malfunction, but uh, everything's perfectly all right now! We're.. fine. We're all fine here, now, thank you. How are you?
Stormtrooper Officer: We're sending a squad up.
Han Solo: Uh, uh, negative! We have a reactor leak here, now. Give us a minute to lock it down! Large leak; very dangerous.
Stormtrooper Officer: There's no reactor on that floor.
Han Solo: Yes, well... [picks up a yellow book and cycles through it] I talked to... Dave.. Johnson? In Stormtrooper Engineering, and he said there is a reactor here!
Stormtrooper Officer: Dave Johnson? Hang on one sec... ok, I have Dave Johnson on the line, Dave! Did you tell someone there's a reactor in the prisoner control room?
Dave Johnson: Uhh, no. No, no, there's no reactor there.
Han Solo: Well, I don't know what to tell ya, but I'm staring straight at a reactor! Maybe Vader had it installed yesterday.
Stormtrooper Officer: Hang on a second.
Darth Vader: [breathing; Han Solo reacts frightened from hearing his voice; Chewbacca does a barrel-roll and comes into view, aiming his crossbow around at random things; Han Solo then says, "shhh!" and cues that there are people talking on the communication panel; Chewbacca makes a small roar and makes a "shh" gesture his hand as they both listen carefully] What do you want?
Stormtrooper Officer: Lord Vader, did you install a reactor in the prisoner control room?
Darth Vader: Umm... not that I know of. Hang on one second. Sheila, can you get me the plans to the Death Star? Okie-dokie. Uhh... the plans here, let me have a look... buh, buh, buh, buh... reactor, reactor, reactor... [Han Solo looks at Chewbacca; Chewbacca shrugs, looks around briefly, and then points to the elevator as if there are Stormtroopers coming; Han Solo looks over and Chewbacca sneaks away; Han Solo looks back to where Chewbacca was and shrugs, leaning onto the communication panel in boredom] boo, boo, boo... no reactor that I can see, but might as well put one in; there's always room for another reactor.
Stormtrooper Officer: We'll send a team up to build a new reactor.
Han Solo: Uh, no, no! Nooot necessary! We've got it under control! [takes out his blaster and shoots the communication panel] Boring conversation, anyway. Ok, let's build this reactor!

Darth Vader: Inform the Emperor that the Jedi Temple has been sealed.
Private Perkins: Yes, my Lord. [walks away]
Jar-Jar Binks: Ani?! Ani! Little Ani!
Darth Vader: Jar-Jar, I am no longer Anakin Skywalker...
Jar-Jar Binks: [touches Vader's cape] These are some nice-ah duds, ah-poopah!
Darth Vader: Look, Jar-Jar, it is very important... [Jar-Jar taps on Vader's helmet; groans, then scares Jar-Jar back a step] that you never speak to me again.
Jar-Jar Binks: What'sa happen to you? Yousa burn your face... [takes off Vader's helmet and looks at him for a brief moment before Vader quickly puts his helmet back on] AAAHHH! Ani-bo-bani!! [shakes Vader by the shoulders] What'sa happen to you?!
Darth Vader: [grabs Jar-Jar by the ears and pulls him towards a door as Jar-Jar screams] Jar-Jar. Homey. My main man. Quickly, before the Separatists attack, get into the escape pod! [tosses Jar-Jar into an airlock chamber]
Jar-Jar Binks: Hey, if this is escape, then where the pod? [Vader shuts and locks the door] Yousa forgot the pod!! [Vader presses a button which ejects Jar-Jar out into space] WHOOO!
[a completely motionless toy of Jar-Jar Binks floats out into space with no sounds whatsoever]
[afterwards]
Darth Vader: [in bed; sighs, then chuckles maniacally]
[Jar-Jar Binks appears before Vader's bed as a Force ghost]
Jar-Jar Binks: Ani! Look! Yousa not gonna believe it! Meesa all sparkly glowy! [Vader covers his own head with a pillow while Jar-Jar bounces around Vader's bed ecstatically] Now, weesa gonna have all the time to spend together! I love you, Ani! Yaaaahh! Ah-haahhh! Ani, yeeeeah!

Boba Fett: [talking to a carbonite-frozen Han Solo] Heeey! Mr. Solo! Heh-heh, solo on the rocks! You can't beat me, I'm Boba Fett, I'm the greatest bounty hunter ever! [quickly draws a blaster at Solo] Ah-dow-dow-dow-dow-dow! Haha, yeah! What's that, Solo? Oh, blasters aren't fair? Okay, dig it! [sheaths blaster] No blasters. Oh, ho, ah! [quickly whips out blaster and points it at Solo's face] Didn't see that one comin', did ya? Huh? So slow! Ah, you thought I was over there, but guess what, WHAA! Huh, huh, huh! [somersaults to another place off-screen; pops up and sticks blaster in Solo's face] O-hohoho-ver here! Ah-yaw-aww! [throws blaster on the floor] A little rope-a-dope, little rope-a-dope, ha? [punches the air] Haa, left, right, left, right! Ohhh-hohohohooo! Down goes Solo... [bends over and breathes heavily] ...Huh? [breathes] What's that? What, you wanna face-to-face? Well, lemme just take this bad boy off. [grunts; takes helmet off] Ohh, he's even better lookin' without the helmet! Surprise ending. Huh, wha-, you want me to come closer? [whisper] Oh, you don't wanna fight anymore? [touches Solo's hands] Oh, your hands are up there almost like you're beggin'... beggin' for a little piece of Boba... [begins stroking Solo's hand] Yeah, ya like that, don't ya? [strokes Solo's lips] You like it, 'cause you're bad... oh, yeah... you dirty, little smuggler...

Darth Vader: Turn to the Dark side and join me.
Luke Skywalker: I'll never join you! You killed my father!
Darth Vader: No, Luke. I am your father!
Luke Skywalker: That's not true! That's impossible!
Darth Vader: And Princess Leia is your sister!
Luke Skywalker: That's not true! That's... improbable!
Darth Vader: And the Empire will be defeated by Ewoks!
Luke Skywalker: That's... [scoffs] very unlikely...
Darth Vader: And as a child, I built C-3PO!
Luke Skywalker: Mhm.
[later]
Darth Vader: [with a cup of coffee] And the Force? Well, that's just microscopic bacteria in your bloodstream called midi-chlorian.
Luke Skywalker: [flicks away cigarette] Look, if you're not gonna take this seriously, I'm out. [walks away]

Emperor Palpatine: [to Luke Skywalker along with Darth Vader] As you can see, my young apprentice, your friends have — [Palpatine is interrupted by a hammering noise; pauses] — your friends have failed! Now — [hammering and whirring noises interrupt Palpatine again; pauses] — now, witness the firepower of this fully — [loud whirring and hammering; Palpatine's voice is highly drowned out] — fully armed and operational station — oh, come on! [Palpatine walks over to a bunch of construction workers continuing to build the Death Star II, and tries to get their attention, his voice being highly drowned out from drill whirring and hammering] Hey, fellas! Excuse me! Excuse me! [Palpatine taps one worker on the shoulder, who completely haults all the other workers into silence] Eh-hey, the Force is strong with this one, eh? Whaddaya, whaddaya got there, a latte? You have the hazelnut macchiato? Change your life! [all the construction workers cross their arms] ...Aaanywho! Tony, right?
Ray: Ray.
Emperor Palpatine: Ray! Sorry, sorry. I get... I get mixed up. Who's, who's, who's Tony? [silence] Anyway, I, I hate to interrupt, I know you're very busy — is there anyway you could finish this area... you know, later? I'm, I'm kind of in the middle of something.
Ray: Ugh. Look, Mr. Saltine, I don't tell you how to... threaten your blond kids so, why don't you go back over there to your sit-and-spin and let me do my job?
Emperor Palpatine: Okay, okay, copy that. Good talk. [clicks tongue and walks back over to Luke and Darth Vader] They'll, eh, they'll, they'll just be a little longer. I, I... I told 'em to stop but, you know, ehh... "no-speak-oh mininum-wage-oh". Heh-heh-heh! So, so, so, where was I? Oh, right, right. [angry] Now, witness the firepower — [construction noises completely mute out the Emperor; Luke and Vader look at each other; Vader shrugs]

Hyper Narrator: Jabba the Hutt's hottest singer was blown to smithereens, but his rock 'n roll will never die! Presenting "Max Rebo's Greatest Hits", including: "Why Do I Look Like an Elephant?"
Max Rebo: [mumbles rhythmatically, but incoherently]
[other songs scroll by the screen including, "It's Not Easy Being Blue", "Why Do I Look Like an Elephant?", and "I'm Not Afraid of Mice, Baby"]
Hyper Narrator: "Ohh, I Have an Average Memory"!
Max Rebo: [mumbles rhythmatically again]
[more songs scroll by including, "I Have Fingers, Elephants Don't", "Ooh, I Have an Average Memory", "You Know What They Say About Big Ears", "Definitely Not an Elephant", and "Junk in My Trunk"]
Hyper Narrator: And his Grammy Award-winning single, "I Already Told You I'm Not an Elephant"!
Max Rebo: [mumbles]
[more songs scroll by including, "There is No Elephant in the Room, Because I'm Not an Elephant, Mama", and "I Sleep Lying Down, Girl"]
Hyper Narrator: And his famous duet with *NSYNC's Joey Fatone!
Joey Fatone: [Max Rebo mumbles in the background with Joey; singing] Neither of us is an elephant!
Hyper Narrator: [explosion] "Max Rebo's Greatest Hits", the guy who looks like a blue elephant! Order now!

[a band plays intro music to "Mid-Nite with Zuckuss"]
Zuckuss: [chops at the air] Hyah, hyah, hyah! Ho-ho-kay everybody! Welcome back to the show! We have a surprise guest tonight, I wasn't really expecting this, Emperor Palpatine is here! [an impersonated Emperor Palpatine appears in Synchro-Vox]
Emperor Palpatine: Silence! Fear me! [crowd laughs]
Zuckuss: So, tell me, your highness. How do you plan on putting down this "Rebellion" everyone's talking about?
Emperor Palpatine: By shooting it with lightning! [crowd laughs] That's how I solve all my problems! And then afterwards, I shall eat pudding. [crowd laughs again]
Zuckuss: [chuckles] Okay, right! But seriously, the Rebels have already caused major disruptions —
Emperor Palpatine: I'll show you a major disruption! [mumbling laughter] A major disruption in my adult undergarments! [crowd laughs]
Zuckuss: Ahhh, chh, okay!
Emperor Palpatine: Now, can we get out of here? Seriously, Francis, it's time for my soap operas.
Zuckuss: It's Zuckuss.
Emperor Palpatine: [retracts off the screen] Peace out, fly-face! Fear meee!
Zuckuss: Okay, ah, that was fun! Haha, it's time to bring out our next guest, the Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader! [a miniature Darth Vader comes hopping out to comical music, swiping his lightsaber around; Zuckuss holds his head to stop him from coming closer] Whoahohoho, easy! You could hurt someone with that! [crowd laughs; Zuckuss takes the lightsaber and tosses it aside] Whoa, easy boy, easy boy! Ah-haha, well, that's our show tonight! Stay tuned for late night talk with Sinbad! [the Death Star floats into view out the studio window behind Zuckuss and briefly charges up a green beam, then shoots Zuckuss at the back of the head; the screen goes stand-by]
Technical Message: TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES PLEASE STAND BY

Princess Leia: [in bed with Luke Skywalker] That was so wrong...

Robot Chicken: Star Wars Episode II (2008)[edit]

[a guy dressed up in a Stormtrooper outfit takes out a lunch box and thermos bottle]
Wife: Gary, where is Jessica? Isn't today "Take Your Daughter to Work Day"?
Gary: [sighs] No one actually does that.
Wife: Gary, you promised. [walks away; the camera slowly zooms in on the motionless Gary]
[at a Rebel Alliance ship; a group of Stormtroopers blast down a door and begin a blaster-fight with some guards]
Gary: Keep your head down, Jessica!
Jessica: Okay, daddy! [Gary takes his daughter's hand and runs to cover; Jessica squeals and accidentally drops her teddy bear into the line of fire] Mr. Fuzzybottom!
Gary: [stops Jessica from running into the line of fire, then puts his head down in frustration and sighs calmly; carefully walks into the line of fire to get Mr. Fuzzybottom back, dodging an array of red-toned lasers getting fired in his direction; groans] AHHH! [makes his way back to Jessica on his hands and knees, panting heavily] Here you go, baby.
Darth Vader: Who is this little girl?
Gary: Oh! Vader! Uh... it's "Take Your Daughter to Work Day", and I know, uh... you know, I'm sorry for bringing her, but my wife says I never see her, and... and let's be honest, she's right! Okay? She's right! [silence] ...Do you have kids? 'Cause, I mean, heh, they change your world. ...Oh, I'm probably gonna get fired for this... but [stands proud] [bleep] it. [takes his daughter's hand and says sternly] I love my daughter.
Darth Vader: [silence; leans in and thumps his chest with his fist] That really hits me where I live. [grabs a rebel guard by the neck and lifts him up] What have you done with those plans?! Gary here, never sees his daughter because of people like you! [brief pause; bone snaps; realizes what he's done and covers his mouth innocently] I'm so sorry you had to see that. [drops the body; leans in] Are you having fun, being at work with your father?
Jessica: Mmm... [hides head behind Gary]
Darth Vader: [chuckles; wiggles around a little] I know, I'm scary.
[scene change to Tatooine]
Ben Kenobi: [controlling Gary with Jedi mind control] These aren't the droids you're looking for.
Gary: These aren't the droids we're looking for.
Jessica: Yes, they are!
Ben Kenobi: Move along.
Gary: Move along. [Ben Kenobi rides away]
Jessica: Daddy, you're not even trying!
Gary: Baby, it's 165º degrees on this planet! I can't hear in this thing! [referring to his helmet] I was just repeating what I thought the guy was sayin'! It's not like it's my own mother[bleep]ing thought on the matter, okay?! [Jessica runs away, sobbing] Hon! Aww — baby! [runs after]
Stormtrooper: See? That's why I don't bring my daughter to jack [bleep]!

Darth Vader: [kneeling on the floor] What is thy bidding my master?
Emperor Palpatine:My bidding? how about I "bid thee" to stop raming the ship into [bleep]ing asteroid fields?! can you handle that?!
Darth Vader: I'm trying...
Emperor Palpatine: Yeah?, well there is no "try", theirs "Do", and there's [bleep]ing up Royal and you are [bleep]ing up Royal so i'm hiring bounty hunters to do the job. [picks up a phone]
Darth Vader: But..
Emperor Palpatine: No buts, its already ringing. [looks down at Vader] you look so tiny down there, like a little mean...pepper shaker. Sheila, hey, it's Palpatine. Listen, I need you to place an ad for me. "Imperial Emperor seeking Bounty Hunters to...um...to find and locate...yeah, I guess that does mean the same thing, to locate the Millenium Falcon" {pause, he looks back at Vader] she's typing, so all you can see is my head? can you see this? [ Sticks up his middle finger]
Darth Vader: Yes, I...
Emperor Palpatine: [Back on Phone} Nope, I'm here....all right, and be sure to mention some kind of a reward...what?....Oh, I don't know, how much do you think? [Pause] Really?, seems a little high to me....Nope, I see your point, I tell you what, why don't we just say "Substantial Reward" and leave it at that?...Ok, thanks, Sheila...Oh, what?...[Sighs] Sure, what-what's his name?, Dengar?, ok...No, no we'll bring him in first thing in the morning, ok, buh-bye, [hangs up] Sheila's husbands a bounty hunter, I told her we'd give him a look-see, [He crosses his arms ] Bet that knee's starting to hurt.

Darth Vader: Make her tell us the location of the Rebel base.
Dr. Ball: Good God man, I'm a doctor not a savage! This is a flu shot! Good day sir!
Darth Vader: You will make her —
Dr. Ball: I said good day sir!

Dr. Ball: [Padme's death scene in Revenge of the Sith] She's "lost the will to live"!? What is your degree in, poetry!? You sorry bunch of hippies! For God' sake, don't use the billions of dollars of medical equipment around us! Why don't we just get down on our knees and pray!?! We don't have knees, you motherfuckers!

Darth Vader: Welcome my master! The Death Star construction is proceeding...
Emperor Palpatine: [interrupting Vader] Yeah! Great! Fine! Whatever. That flight was a fucking nightmare man. My stupid tray table broke and I ended up with a gallon of coffee in my crotch; it was like dunking my wang in hot lava. Something you have some experience with I guess, huh? Right?
Darth Vader: [shamefully] Yes...

Darth Vader: [pointing to a black suitcase with a white stripe that is passing by Vader and Palpatine on a luggage conveyor belt] Is that yours?
Emperor Palpatine: No! For the hundredth time, that's that same stupid black bag. Mine dosen't have a stripe. It's like that stripey bag is mocking me... Fuck you stripey bag.
Emperor Palpatine: Well, my suitcase is gone; sacrificed to the airport guards. Now I'm here for two fucking weeks with one fucking robe. Ohh! Now it's sticking to me like a wet Kleenex
Emperor Palpatine: [as a surfboard is passing by him on the Death Star luggage conveyor belt] Wow, for real?

[at Cloud City]
Lando: I've made a deal that will keep the empire out of our affairs forever.
[door opens to reveal Darth Vader sitting at the head of a table; he rises as Chewbacca roars and Han Solo fires multiple times with his blaster; Vader deflects the blasts and pulls Han's blaster away]
Darth Vader: We'd be honored if you could join us.
[Boba Fett stands by Vader and stormtroopers block the entrance; cutaway to everyone sitting at the table; everyone is silent; Han looks in his glass to see it is empty as a stormtrooper serves more food to Lando; Darth Vader tries to drink out of a glass but can't until a stormtrooper puts in a straw]
Han Solo: [nervously quiet] C-could- can I get a little more water?
Darth Vader: WHAT?
Han Solo:Nothing! [clears throat] I just asked for more water. [a stormtrooper refills his glass]
[Han looks over to Boba who is shaking his head at him, Han is confused, Boba makes a cutting noise across the throat which angers Han, Boba continues mocking Han by shooting a finger gun at Han, Han in response pretends to inflate his middle finger, Boba is not shaken and "cranks" up his own middle finger in response, Han annoyed gives up]
Lando: [breaking the silence] Sooo, how we doin'? Liea, how's the soup? You ever had soup this good?
Princess Liea: Yes...[menacingly at Vader] on Alderaan!
Darth Vader: '{chuckling] Hey, princess, let it gooooooo... [gets a muffin using the force and stands up] [doing a mocking reconstruction of the destruction of Alderaan] "Ohh, help me! 'We're a peaceful planet. You may fire when ready!" [throws crumbs in everyone's faces] BOOOOOOOORRRRAAAARRRR!!!!!! Big Laser! BSSSSHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Alderaan chunks everywhere! [chuckles] Psssshhhhhhh....[sits down]
[brief silence]
Han Solo: Anyone uh...Anyone got a joke?
Lando: I got one. Who's got two thumbs, and betrayed his best friend? [no response] [cracking up] [points to himself using his thumbs] THIS GUY! [no response] Uhhhhh...too soon?
Darth Vader: Well...[sighs] it's been a time and a half. But...[sighs again and stretches] lot of torturing to do. Bweep do-da-loop-de-hooo. [sings and walks away accidentally taking the table cloth with him causing all the dishes to crash onto the floor]

Robot Chicken: Star Wars Episode III (2010)[edit]

Emperor Palpatine: [on Boba Fett] Apparently we're contractually obligated to follow that dumb kid's story too. That's what happens when you sell the most action figures. Thank you, fanboys.

-->

Emperor Palpatine: Henceforth, you shall be known as Darth Vader.
Darth Vader: Thank you, my master.
Emperor Palpatine: Hey, before you go...my face is really warm. Is everything okay up here?
Darth Vader: I...don't know. What do you mean?
[Palpatine removes his hood and smoke billows up. He touches his face but pulls away]
Emperor Palpatine: Ow. Ahh. Ow, my face! It's on fire!
Darth Vader: Well, there...is a possibility that you were fighting Mace Windu, he deflected some of your Force lightning back into your face.
Emperor Palpatine: Are you kidding me? How much?
Darth Vader: A lot. I don't think there was one bolt of Force lightning that didn't bounce off Master Windu's lightsaber directly back into your face.
Emperor Palpatine: And you just sat there and watched?
Darth Vader: Turning to the Dark Side was a pretty big decision.
Emperor Palpatine: [looking into a mirror] Oh, my God! I look like I have a scrotum for a face! What am I supposed to call myself? Darth Syphilis?! If you'd made up your mind five seconds earlier, we could've ruled the galaxy and maybe I could've gotten laid one more time before I die!
Darth Vader: [backing away] I can see you're upset. I'm just gonna go slaughter those younglings.
Emperor Palpatine: Yeah, whatever.

Darth Vader: Leather....
Emperor Palpatine: Hear that, my boy gets the finest leather you got.
Darth Vader: Full-body...black leather
Emperor Palpatine: I see what you're going for, kind of an S&M thing
Darth Vader: Oh...and a cape....yeah...a cape would be pretty wizard...and a sweet voice box...and flashing lights...
Emperor Palpatine: Sure
Darth Vader: Built-in helicopter blades.....Remote-control flying fists
Emperor Palpatine: Can we just put this idiot under.

[Palpatine tries to catch an elevator]
Emperor Palpatine: Ho-hold the elevator.
[The Stormtrooper tries to force the elevator to close so Palpatine can't enter]
Emperor Palpatine: I'll remember this, what's your ID number?!
Stormtrooper: It's 1-1-4-2-Eat-My-Ass! [the elevator shuts]
Emperor Palpatine: [sighs then pushes the button to call an elevator impatiently] Come on, come on, come on... [continues pushing then starts punching the button]
[Another elevator arrives filled to the brim with quarrens]
Emperor Palpatine: Oh... I'll, I'll get the next one...
Quarren: Plenty of room! [invites Palpatine inside]
Emperor Palpatine: Uh... nah,nah'll just take the escalator.
Quarren: Squeeze right in! [invites Palpatine inside again]
Emperor Palpatine: I-I'd rather my robes didn't smell like a [bleep]-ing fillet o'fish all day, thanks.
[The quarrens look surprised and offended for several seconds]
Quarren: That's hurtful, man...
Emperor Palpatine: Well next time just let it go... let it go.
[Having failed to take an elevator, Palpatine takes the escalator. Stormtroopers start passing by Palpatine]

Boba Fett: [flying out from the Sarlaac] Back from the dead, assholes!

Cast[edit]

See also[edit]

External links[edit]

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