Robot Chicken (season 2)

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The following is a list of quotes from the second season Robot Chicken.

Suck It [2.1][edit]

Mike Lazzo: Hi y'all! I'm Adult Swim president Mike Lazzo. The decision of the council is now fixin' to be heard.
Peter Griffin: Guilty!
Space Ghost: Guilty.
Master Shake: Oh ho, you're so-o frickin' guilty.
Seth Green: [screen starts to fly away into space] "Nooooooo!!!! Aggghhh — !! [screen crashes onto a UFO]
Alien 1: I think we hit something.
Alien 2: Dammit, dammit, dammit!
Seth Green: Aggghh!! [falls down onto his seat on the link set from You Can't Do That On Robot Chicken] Ummff!
Keith Crofford: [now cleaned up from having been slimed in the earlier installment of "YCDTORT"] Hey Seth, what happened to you?"
Seth Green: I don't know. [Seth gets green slimed as audience laughs]
Keith Crofford: [laughs as Seth wipes the slime out of his eyes] You're renewed.
[Seth, still covered in slime, looks into the camera and grins.]

Skater McGee: And now I'm off to the next town to kill more teenagers.
Mayor: You're doing God's work, Skater McGee.

Mr. Potato Head: [to Mrs. Potato Head after she gives birth to a carrot] You whore!

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. [everyone drops their stones, Jesus then hits the prisoner with his stone] Blammo!

Federated Resources [2.2][edit]

Jerk: [ as J.K. Rowling is going through trash, looking for food, Manchester, England 1989] J.K. Rowling.
J.K. Rowling: Cor blimey! Are you an angel?
Jerk: I am from the future. In fifteen years time, you will be a best selling children's book author, whose net worth is more than one billion american dollars!
J.K. Rowling: I had an idea about a boy wizard.
Jerk: No! Your books will be about uh-a magical racoon with an afro. His name is Squiggles and he shoots pixie dust out of his bunghole!
J.K Rowling: Thank you, I'll start right away!
Jerk: Haha [ placard: "Dicks with Time Machines"]

Guy: It's Moses, he's back!
Moses: God has blessed me with ten irrefutable commandments for living.
Guy: Is there anything on there about not pushing your religion on other people?
Moses: …No.
Guy: Didn't think so.
Moses: Number one: he who smelt it, dealt it. [Everyone laughs.] Wha? What's so funny? Stop it. Stop laughing! [The time-travelling jerk is sitting behind him holding a hammer and chisel.]

[Woman looks badly beaten up.]
Woman: I...uh...I-I walked into a door.
Salesman: Well then, can I interest you in our line of Nerf Doors?
Woman's husband: What about stairs? She's gonna need some Nerf Stairs too.

[after Hitler's footage of his constipation ends the war]

Dick: Heh heh...douche.

["Heroes with Time Machines"]


Easter Basket [2.3][edit]

Barney the Dinosaur: I love you. You love me.
Girl: But I'm not in love with you.

Fred: Eh Barney-boy, this is the life!
Barney: You said it, Fred! An entire civilization not wearin' underwear! Y'gotta love it!
Fred: [Door knocks] Now who could that be? [Barney laughs]
Delivery Man: Hi, I'm Mr. Rock from FedEx Stone. I got a delivery for Fred Flintstone from AmazonBoulder.Com-Pebble. [sighs] Look, sometimes, the rock puns don't fit too well, buddy. Do you want the package or not?
Fred: [reads a letter that came with the package] "Dear Fred, I hope this distracted you long enough. Signed, Barney. P.S. I invented paper. Bitchin'!" [looks over to Barney who tries to sneak out with a box of Fruity Pebbles] Barney! My pebbles!

Barney: [burying Fred's corpse] Dammit, Fred, I just wanted some of your fucking cereal.
Bird: [being used as a shovel] Oh, his head always was full of rocks.
Barney: [gasps] A witness! [kills shovel-bird and runs back into the house] Witnesses! The dishwasher!
Octopus: My goodness Cretacious!
Barney: The record player!
Bird: He's off his rocker!
Barney: The bidet!
Turtle: Oh man, the things I've witnessed...
[The audience screams as Barney grabs the bird and pulls a pig's tail.]
Pig: Is he stone-cold crazy? You bet Jurassic!
Barney: No more puns! [he stuffs the bird into the pig's mouth and laughs evilly.]

Barney the Dinosaur: (now in a street at night standing next to a female smoker) I love you, you love me.
Smoker: Either way, it's 50 bucks.

Barney the Dinosaur: [in prison; sobbing] I love you...*sniff* You love me...
Cellmate: Damn right.

Man: Sit, Ubu, sit. Bad dog. [gunshot]

Celebrity Rocket [2.4][edit]

Man: [fleeing a vampire in his car, he turns to look in his mirror and because he cannot see the vampire's reflection thinks he's fallen off] Ahh, must have lost him. [brakes hard causing the vampire to run into the back of the car and collapse to the ground] You know, while I'm out, I might as well get some milk.[throws the car in reverse running over the vampire's face, not crushing it] Wait a second, I have milk at home. [Speeds forward, the tire peels skin off the vampires face and drags the corpse behind the car] La la la, gonna have some milk! La la la....

Dragon Nuts [2.5][edit]

Bill Gates: Hi, I'm Bill Gates. I heard you take insane bets and wondered if you'd be my ass slave for a billion dollars.
Adult: [Sigh.] I'll get my coat.

Boy: [With pants down, holding a laptop computer.] I was only halfway done! Halfway done!
Announcer: There has been a breakout in Boston in which a virus wipes out and deletes all the porn out there; and here is President Bush to address this issue...
President Bush: And I, the president of the United States have only one thing to say to you guys: Come on, man, it's not funny. Give us back our porn!

1987 [2.6][edit]

Palpatine: Ha ha ha ha, so I threw the senate at him. The whole senate! True story!
Mas Amedda: Oh my God, that is so funny!
Sim Aloo: You made it [Milk from the carton in his hand] come out of my nose!
Palpatine: [His phone rings] Go for papa Palpatine.
Operator: You have a collect call from - [Vader's voice] Darth Vader.
Palpatine: [Sighs.] Oh, I-I gotta take this, hold on. Vader! How's my favorite Sith? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, just, slow down. Huh? What do you mean they blew up the Death Star? Fuck! OH, FUCK! FUCK! FUUUCK! Who's they?! What the hell is an "Aluminium Falcon"?! [Sighs.] Okay, okay, s-so who's left? Are you shitting me?! Well where are you? Wait a sec, you've been flying around for two weeks trying to get a signal? Oh, you must smell like...feet wrapped in leathery...burnt...bacon. [Holds phone back as if Vader's yelling] Oh, oh, oh, I'm, I'm sorry I thought my Dark Lord of the Sith could protect a small thermal exhaust port that's only two meters wide. That thing wasn't even fully paid off yet! Do you have — do you have any idea what this is gonna do to my credit? [Phone rings.] Ah, hang on, I've got another call. [Switches line.] What?! I'm very busy right now! Oh. Oh, we-well where're they going? Oh. Alright, um, just get me a turkey club. Uh, cole slaw, I guess. I-I'm not even gonna eat it. W-w-what're you getting? No, see, I-I always order the wrong thing. No, no, no, I'll just stick with that. Okay, bye — wait, what? Oh, a Cherry Coke. Thanks. [Switches back to Vader.] Sorry about that. [Sighs.] What? Oh-oh, "just rebuild it"? Oh, re-real fucking original. And who's gonna give me a loan, jackhole, you? Y-you got an ATM on that torso Lite-Brite? Now get your seven-foot-two asthmatic ass back here or I'm gonna tell everyone what a whiny bitch you were about "Padamamay" or "Panda Bear" or whatever the hell her name is! Oh geez, he's crying! Ha, ha...hey, hey, hey, hey, c'mon. C'mon, don't do that. Just, just, look, ah, y'know, I'm dealing with a lot of crap right now. Eh, Death Star blown up by a bunch of fucking teenagers, y'know? I didn't mean to snap. [makes jacking off gesture] Oh, oh, j-just get back here. Okay, okay, bye. I-I-yeh-I...I love you too. [Note: Also appears on Robot Chicken: Star Wars]

Senator: Pan-Global Oil keeps dumping sludge into the Atlantic Ocean!
Ted Turner: That burns my ass!
Senator: Forget it, Ted, there's nothing you can do.
Ted Turner: Maybe I can't, but Captain Planet can! [One of the members show that Ted's crazy]
Captain Planet: [in restroom, Ted is changing into Captain Planet] Captain Planet... [man enters, sees Ted, then walks away]

[scene change to the office, Captain Planet runs by]

Captain Planet: CAPTAIN PLANET! [scene changes to the streets.] CAPTAIN PLANET!! [runs past a guy who is holding an aluminum can with a trash can and a recycling can near him; he throws the can in the trash; Captain Planet notices and kicks the man in the face.] CAPTAIN PLANET!

[scene changes to Pan-Global Oil Headquarters, where two senators are talking.]

Senator 1: Where are we gonna dump our sludge next?
Senator 2: Well, the Grand Canyon could hold a lot of sludge.
Senator 1: Oh, it sure could.
Senator 2: Yeah, let's sludge the hell out of the Grand Canyon.
Senator 1: Yeah. [notices something offscreen] Hey, is that Ted Turner?
Senator 2: [also notices something, it is Captain Planet on a zipline headed for their office.] Yeah, what the hell is he doing?
Senator 1: I dunno, he's on one of those ziplines.
Senator 2: Oh, yeah, is that what they call "ziplines"?
Senator 1: Yeah, ziplines.
Senator 2: Oh, I never thought — [Captain Planet breaks through the window, knocking away Senator 1 and embedding glass in Senator 2's eye.]
Captain Planet: CAPTAIN PLANET!
Senator 2: You got glass in my eye!
Captain Planet: And my foot in your balls! [kicks him in the balls] CAPTAIN PLANET! [holds the senator out the window threatening to drop him]
Senator 2: What do you want Mr. Turner?!
Captain Planet: To sign this agreement to not dump any more sludge and I'll let you go.
Senator 2: Okay, okay! [the senator signs the agreement]
Captain Planet: This appears to be in order. [drops him] CAPTAIN PLANET! [the senator falls, screaming, to the ground, where he lands in a dumpster and is killed instantly.]
Captain Planet: Protect the environment, or I'll fucking kill you! CAPTAIN PLANET! -->

Cracked China [2.7][edit]

Pikachu: Pikachu!
Jigglypuff: Jigglypuff!
Pikachu: [defeats Jigglypuff with a Thunderbolt] Chu chu chu! Pika pika!
Ash: Back in your Poké Ball, Pikachu. [Pikachu goes back inside its Poké Ball]
Misty: I wonder what it's like inside those Poké Balls?
Ash: I wonder when you'll shut up and make my dinner!

Gary: Would you ready to battle, Ass?
Ash: [growls] My name is Ash! Pikachu, I choose you! [echoes Pikachu, I choose you! You! You! You!]

[Charizard roars]
Ash: Go get 'em, Pikachu!
Pikachu: Pikachu. [Subtitle: Douche]

-->

Voices: Braaains... braiiins...
Man:Are you radioactive zombie mutants, or survivors, thanking the only thing that's kept you alive?
Voices: [after a pause] Zombies.
Man: Okay.
Voices: Didn't feel right to lie to you.

E.T.'s Mom: He said he would phone me but he hasn't phoned. He knows how I worry.

Rodigitti [2.8][edit]

Leonardo: Oh, no! I just cowabunga'd in my pants!
Raphael: Barfaroonie! I hope you're wearing adult undergarments!
Leonardo: It depends!

Michelangelo: Dudes, where's Splinter?
[Splinter is using his cane to lift a nurse's skirt]
Nurse: Um, what are you doing?
Splinter: Looking for Shredder. No, not here. [smiles]

Elmer Phudd: I'm takin' you to school, call me the professor
You're sexually confused, 'cause you a cross-dresser.
You like to kiss men, that's real funny.
Call up Hugh Hefner, you a gay-boy bunny.
You're lost on this stage. You need a map jerky.
You made a wrong left turn on Albuquerque.
I'm a pimp because my hunting apparel's hot son.
It was wiped by on your ho with my double barrel shotgun. [shoots at B Rabbit with his double barrel shotgun]
Daffy Duck: Now hold on a second, mac! It's not rabbit hunting season yet! See? [Points at the sign that says "Wabbit Season (Not Yet)"] Okay! [Gives the mic to B Rabbit] Your turn, B Rabbit!
B Rabbit: Yo, er, heh-heh, er, yo... [Hears from the audience] Heh-heh-heh-heh [Finally comes up with something] Yeah, yeah!
[Singing] I know that you call me wascawwy wabbit.
Say your R's like W's that's a really bad habit.
It's room, not woom. Trees, not twees.
You replace so many R's, I thought you was Chinese.
You're so stuck on yourself, I'll call you Elmer's glue.
I got you some coffee, one lump or two?
Elmer Phudd: Two?
[B Rabbit hits him on the head twice with a mallet]
B Rabbit: I only dress like a girl, to prove that you're gay.
Would you like a kiss handsome?
Elmer Phudd: Really? OK!
B Rabbit: Elmer packs "fudd". You heard what I said.
He's so bald, I'll put a "hare" on his head. [B Rabbit sits on Phudd's head]
I'll sit down on your head. Just like I was a thinker. Hmm.
[He farts while sitting down on his head] Ain't I a stinker?

DJ Bacon Bits: Th-th-th-that's all, b-b-bitches!

Massage Chair [2.9][edit]

Doctor: Mr. President, your vitals seem to be all right, there is however one thing thought, your midichlorian count is extremely high.
Bush: Does that mean I'm one of them- whata call 'em- Jedis? [thinks then uses the force to pull down the doctors pants] Heheheheheheh.
[scene change to Bush and his wife in bed]
Laura Bush: Oh not tonight, I'm tired honey.
Bush: [mind trick] You're not tired, you wanna have a threesome.
Laura Bush: [eyes widen] I'm not tired, I want to have a threesome.
Bush: [picks up telephone] Get me Condi! Heheheheh.
[scene change to a parking lot at McDonalds; Bush is about to park when Bill Clinton takes his spot]
Clinton: Awww, sorry W, Big Mac attack! Yeeeeeeeheeeew! [Bush is angry and uses the force to drop Clinton and his car in a nearby lake] Hey, what the dilly?
Bush: Heheheheheheh!
[scene change to George Bush using lightsaber to carve the words "W wuz hear" into the Lincoln Memorial] Heheh, saber beats rock.
[statue lifts up revealing Abraham Lincoln]
Bush: What the hell?
Lincoln: Who dares disturb my slumber?
Bush: Who dares question my...daring...of...his dare?...Jerk!
Lincoln: It is I...I who freed the slaves...I who-
Bush: Boring! Let's fight! [Lincoln draws a lightsaber and they begin the fight, Bush corners Lincoln]
Lincoln: If you strike me down, I shall become — [Bush raises his saber for the kill] No, wait a minute, lemme finish — [gets sliced and dies like Obi-Wan Kenobi in A New Hope'] Agghhh!
Bush: That'll teach you, George Washington!
[scene change to Cloud City where Darth Vader tells Luke Skywalker he is his father]
Bush: Jenna, get over here right now! I am your father!
Jenna: [on the thing Luke was on] That's not true! That's impossible! My real father would let me go clubbing as late as I want! [flips him off]
Bush: Why you little — [slices off her middle finger]
Jenna: Owwww!
Bush: No baby, I'm sorry!
Jenna: [she falls] Arrggghh, [distant] you suck!
Bush: Nooooooooooo —
[scene change to Bush asleep on his desk; he wakes up]
Bush: Wa- Was it all just a dream?
Senator: [rushes in] Mr. President, we still haven't found any weapons of mass destruction!
Bush: [tries to do a mind trick] You have found weapons of mass destruction.
Senator: Uhh...hi. We haven't.
Bush: [tries again] You have.
Senator: [sighs] Uh, I don't know what you're doing.
Bush: [still waving his hand] Bring me a taco.
Senator: Yes sir. [runs out of the office]
Bush: Heheheh, tacos rule.

Password: Swordfish [2.10][edit]

Ron: Harry, I'm scared!
Harry: You're always scared, you chicken shit!
Ron: I can’t help it! I’m a scared, pimple-faced, red-headed, chicken shit virgin!

Harry: What are we going to do?
Hermione: Let’s ask Hagrid for help.
Harry: Don’t be ridiculous, Hermione. We need to confront the terrible horror ourselves and potentially end up hospitalized, like always.

Hermione: Professor Snape, Harry and Ron were cursed by the monster Pubertus.
Snape: Pubertus eh? Let's discuss this further in my magical jacuzzi. Barry Whitus, Candle Lightus. Girl Excitus!
Snape: So... shall we play "Put the Sorting Hat on the Slytherine?"
Hermione: Pedophilius Repellus!

Draco Malfoy: Look Potter, I taught the Sorting Hat a new trick. [he places it onto Harry Potter's head]
Sorting Hat: Virgin.
[Students laugh]
Malfoy: Looks like Potter is "He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Laid." Heheh. Guess the monster Pubertus hasn't quite caught up with you yet, huh?
Hermione: Ugh, Pubertus is just a myth, Malfoy!
[Malfoy places the hat on Hermione's Head]
Sorting Hat: Second base!
[Students gasp]

Cheer Bear: We did it!! We killed all the Care Bear cousins!
All Care Bears: Hooray for murder!
Cheer Bear: Now let us celebrate our genocide! Get your party on!
Care Bear: Whooo!!! Everyone eat some rainbow!
Another Care Bear: Mmmm...that's good rainbow. [sky darkens and lightning flashes] Jesus fucking Christ! It's the great Cloud Keeper in the sky!
Cloud Keeper: Care Bears! I have watched your actions with great displeasure!
Cheer Bear: But, we purified the land of Care-a-Lot!
Cloud Keeper: For your dark and terrible deeds, I shall turn Care-a-Lot into a dark and terrible place. A hell on Earth; I shall turn Care-a-Lot into...[lightning]...New Jersey! [transformation begins and cuts to a mayors desk]
New Jersey Mayor: Hello. I'm New Jersey's Governor John Corzine. I hope you've enjoyed this reenactment of our state's proud history: The Garden State. [eats some rainbow] Come get in on some of this rainbow.

Adoptions an Option [2.11][edit]

[Waving goodbye to Elliot.]
E.T.: Be good.
Elliot: Good-goodbye E.T.
E.T.: E.T. home.
Alien #1: Oh my God! Look everyone, that retard we ditched on Earth somehow found his way home!
E.T.: E.T. phoned home.
Alien #2: What the hell are you calling yourself "E.T." for, spaz? Your name is Kleeborp. Kleeborp the retard!
Alien #3: Yeah, Kleeborp the retard with only one glowing finger.
Aliens #1, #2, #3: Ha, Ha! [shows all glowing fingers]
E.T.: [gives them his glowing middle finger]
Alien #1: Oh, now you're fucking dead. [Aliens grab E.T.]
E.T.: [Screams like a girl]
Alien #1: And next time, stay lost, loser!!!
E.T.: [Looks at Xenomorph from Alien] Friend.

Fast-food Worker: [Practicing to himself at a drive-through window] Would you like fries with that? Would you like fries with that? Would you like fries with that? [Car pulls up] Uh, excuse me! Would you like flies with that? [realizing his mistake] Ahhhh dammit! Dammit!!

Dr. Claw: With Skynet online, Gadget is under my complete control! And I'll use him to wipe out my true nemesis - that meddlesome twelve-year-old niece of his!
Penny: Brain, that's still Uncle Gadget. We need to remember that deep down inside — [Gadget appears in front of their car] Aggh! Ram that son of a bitch!!!

Metal Militia [2.12][edit]

Murky: If only we had Rainbow Brite's magic star sprinkles, we'd turn the whole world gray!
Bartender: Guys, every night with this. What's so great about turning the world gray anyway?
Lurky: Well, it's really more of a metaphor.
Owner: [whips out a cigarette lighter] If you wanna do something evil, arson is pretty evil.
Murky: [punches bartender] Shut up!
Lurky: I say we break into Rainbow Brite's place and take all the star sprinkles we want!
[Later, at Rainbow Brite's house, Murky and Lurky scour the house looking for star sprinkles]
Murky: [looking under the bed] None here, what's under the sink?
Lurky: Tampons!
[A noise at the door]
Murky: Uh oh, Game over man! Game over! Rainbow Brite's gonna kick our asses if she finds us in here!
Rainbow Brite: Oh, good God! What a day! [farts] Damn! I was holding that in for hours. [grabs a beer bottle and slumps on the couch to watch TV] Hahaha! Black people are so much funnier than white people. Damn! I am effin' starvin'!
[She grabs a frozen Sprite out of the fridge and puts it in the microwave. Murky and Lurky try to escape but Lurky trips over a pile of magazines, and Rainbow Brite notices them]
Rainbow Brite: Intruders!
Murky: Let's get the fuck outta here, man!
[Rainbow Brite uses a chainsaw and kills Lurky & Murky, splattering everything in the living room with blood. The next day, Rainbow Brite addresses the Color Kids and Sprites...]
Rainbow Brite: Dear Citizens of Rainbow Land, We have changed our ways and are moving to Tibet to help fight Chinese tyranny. Signed, Murky and Lurky."
Buddy Blue: I knew those guys weren't so bad.
Romeo Sprite: Um, has anyone seen my cousin Blinky? He hasn't been around lately.
Rainbow Brite: Um... "P.S.: Blinky came with us."
[The Color Kids and Sprites nod to each other, and Rainbow Brite winks at the viewers]

-->

Gene Okerlund: And Hitler takes a flaming chair to the spine in what will surely go down in history as one of Wrestlemania's greatest moments! Sergeant Schultz do you have any comment?
Sergeant Schultz: I know NOTHING!
Bomb-Diffusing Robot: This is some serious bullshit.

Veggies for Sloth/Blankets in a Pig [2.13][edit]

Archie: What if you can't avoid the Grim Reaper?
Betty: Who's he, he sounds dreamy!
Reggie: Blondes are dumb whores! [Everybody laughs]

Betty: Come with me Archie, I'm sweet and innocent.
Veronica: Come with me Archie, I'm rich and easy.
Archie: [thinking about it] I choose...
[Betty crosses the street and gets hit by a bus. Veronica looks hopeful at Archie.]
Archie: [still thinking about it, completely oblivious to what just happened] Still deciding...
[Veronica groans]

Moose: Duh Ms. Grundy, what's a haiku?
Ms. Grundy: It's a kind of poem.
Moose: Duh, what's death?
Ms. Grundy: Oh Moose, just make yours about football.

Man: [sitting on top of a chimney] Hey baby, Merry Christmas. Yes, I know I said I'd stop calling but it's the holidays and I just wanted to say how happy I am that you found someone new. Is he there right now? Oh the whole family is there opening presents. Well that's just great because I have a present for you. [starts cutting his head off, which falls through chimney]
People in the House: Oh God! Santa?

-->

Alien #1: Oh dear, our fleets are being destroyed!
Alien #2: Will help ever arrive? [Buck Rogers comes in]
Buck Rogers: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Did someone call for a hero?
Alien #1: Oh, thank goodness! Fuck Rogers is finally here!
Buck Rogers: What.. did you just call me?
Alien #1: Fuck!
Alien #2: Fuck Rogers!
Buck Rogers: [goes near Alien #1:] My name is Buck. Buck Rogers.
Alien #3: The Robots are through the south defenses! Fuck Rogers, we need your help immediately!
Buck Rogers: [annoyed groaning]
Alien #1: It's Buck!
Buck Rogers: My name is Buck, not Fuck! What's with you aliens?!
Alien #4: Fuck!
Buck Rogers: It's Buck! Damn what the — it's Buck! Buck! Buck! BUCK!
Alien #4: What are you talking about?! I've been shot! Fuck, it hurts! [dies]
Alien #5: Welcome, Fuck!
Alien #1: [as Buck gets annoyed:] It's Buck!
Buck Rogers: THAT DOES IT!! [gets gun out and starts shooting at the aliens]
Aliens: [getting shot:] Fuck, Motherfucker!
Buck Rogers: Fuck you!
Alien #3: Wait! Wait! [gets shot]
Buck Rogers: Fuck you! Fuck you and you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

[Wipe fade to Wilma Deering and Twikky having a conversation]

Wilma: You really told all the aliens that Buck's name was Fuck? [chuckles]
Twikky: Bidi-Bidi-Bidi, I was attempting human comedy.

Sausage Fest [2.14][edit]

[A giraffe is sinking in quicksand, struggling to get out.]
Giraffe: Uh-oh.
["Stage One: Denial"]
Giraffe: It's no big deal. It's probably not even quicksand. I'm gonna have a good laugh about this tonight with the guys. [Laughs nervously.]
["Stage Two: Anger"]
Giraffe: Well, this is just fucking perfect!! Stupid quicksand! Stupid jungle! Ah! I wanna bite someone in the face! Motherfucker!!!!! Motherfucker!!!!!! Motherfuck!!!!!!! Ahh! Fuck!!! That stupid jungle! Uhh!! Fuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!!!
["Stage Three: Bargaining"]
Giraffe: Are you there, God? It's me, Giraffe. Li-listen if you could just give me a mulligan on this quicksand thing, I promise, I promise, no more peeing on your shorter creatures. [Laughs nervously.] We got a deal?
["Stage Four: Depression"]
Giraffe: [Screams and cries.] MOMMY!!
["Stage Five: Acceptance"]
Giraffe: You know somethin'? I'm cool with this. I-I bet, I bet heaven has all the tender leaves I can eat and everyone gets their own Slurpee machine. Yeah! Take me sweet death! I await your loving embrace! [The sinking stops.] What? I think I hit the bottom. [The giraffe struggles with no avail.] Fuck...

Cyclops: Look sharp Team!
Professor Xavier: Remember my X-Men, use extreme caution. This is the most dangerous mission yet!
Cyclops: Right Professor! [the Sentinel they are fighting blasts them with its lasers and then stomps them into oblivion]
Professor Xavier: Welcome recruits, although we had to lower our standards thanks to the shortage of actual mutants, the danger you're facing will be no less real! You'll be defending a world that hates and fears you!
Larvell Jones: What?! Hate and fear us, because we're mutants?
Professor Xavier: No, because you were in the Police Academy movies.
Professor Xavier: [passes by the group, as Larvell makes squeaking noises] The hell's wrong with this chair? And it seems it's missing someone.
Carey Mahoney: [crashes in with a jet] Sorry I'm late!
Professor Xavier: MAHONEEEEEEEYYYYY!

Professor Xavier: It seems some mischief-maker has gone to great lengths to hide a prostitute underneath my podium. Unfortunately, I'm paralyzed from the waist down, and her enthusiastic efforts are for naught. As I was saying, the X-Men - *looks down* I didn't say 'stop'! -->

Drippy Pony [2.15][edit]

Detective: Hey ar-are you Deepthroat?
Rimjob: Hmm? Oh no I-I'm Rimjob, you want Level B2.

The Munnery [2.16][edit]

Captain James T. Kirk: [on the USS Enterprise Scotty arrives at the bridge in USS Enterprise] Report, Mr. Scott.
Scotty: Captain, somebody traded all of the dilithium crystals for pornographic holograms!
James T. Kirk: And?
Scotty: With no power, all life support on the ship is about to fail.
James T. Kirk: And?
Scotty: Our only hope is to beam down to the nearest planet, but there is only enough power to send five people. I can't do no more!
Mr. Spock: Captain, logic dictates that each of the 433 crew members.
Lt. Uhura: Hey! Where did Kirk go? [camera scene changes to the same bridge scene without James Kirk] Oh, no. He didn't.

[while deciding who gets to beam off the ship]

Lt. Uhura: Uh, I have a vagina.
Scotty: Sure.
Mr. Spock: A vagina could prove quite useful.

Red Shirt Crewman: I'm Toby the Red Shirt. You need a red shirt, you just do.
Mr. Spock: Quite logical.
Scotty: Sure.

[the whole crew on the planet looks to the Red Shirt Crewman on who to eat first]

Red Shirt Crewman: Aww, hell naw! You know what? Fuck all y'all!
Mr. Spock: It is your duty as a crewman.
Red Shirt Crewman: Screw that. On behalf of all the red shirts who fell before me, it makes me proud to speak the following sentence. [long pause] I'm the only one who brought a gun. [pulls out phaser]
Kirk: Uh-oh.

[black screen, you hear a long phaser shot; shows the Red Shirt Crewman eating Kirk's arm]

Red Shirt Crewman: Mmmmm, that's good ham. -->

Day at the Circus [2.17][edit]

Snow Job: Hey guys, going on a mission? Can I come?
Flint: Sorry Snow Job, this mission doesn't require ski's.
Gung-Ho: Wearin' a blindingly white outfit in the middle of jungle warfare makes you a very shootable target, man!
Snow Job: Bunch of G.I. Jerks!

Lust for Puppets [2.18][edit]

Calvin: Native Americans would be more plentiful if they hadn't traded their land for casinos!
Hobbes: Well, cowboys never even existed! They're just a masculine image campaign purported by Marlboro!
Calvin's Dad: I think something's wrong with our son.

Hobbes: Calvin, your parents don't believe us. We have to kill them. [gets out a chainsaw.]

Calvin: [while at a psychiatrist] This is some bullshit!
Hobbes: Yeah!

[after evading the police, Mario & Luigi drive up to a prostitute and mistaken her for Princess Peach.]
Mario: Look, Luigi! It's the princess! [to prostitute] Princess, you must-a come with us!
Prostitute: I'll suck your cock for fifty bucks!
Mario: Princess!
Luigi: Do you accept-a coins?

Drug dealer: [giving Mario a Magic Mushroom] This is some really good shit, man.
[Mario eats the mushroom and gets high to heal his wounded shoulder. As his pupils expand, his wanted level is now up to 4]
Mario: Ah-ha-hi! Oo-hoo! Wow! I feel-a really good! Look at the pretty colors. Ha-hi! Hoo-hoo! Hee-hee!
[Police sirens. The Drug dealer and Prostitute flee from the scene.]
Luigi: Oh, Jesus! It's-a the fuzz!
Mario: [thinks he see coins on the road] Ah-ha-ha! I-a feel so funny! Look, there's-a coins everywhere! Ha-ha! I'm-a rich!
Luigi: Mario, no!
[the coins are actually pedestrians as Mario hits them with the car, causing his wanted level to rise to 5, its limit.]
Luigi: I think I should-a drive!
[they crash and fly out of the car.]
Officer 1: Freeze! Put your hands in the air! [Mario and Luigi do so. Unfortunately, Luigi has a wrench]
Officer 2: Aaah! He's [Luigi] got a wrench!
Officer 1: Take him down!
[Officers shoot Luigi.]
Mario: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! He's-a marinating in his own Ragù! You killed-a my brother! You sons of-a bitches! [grabs a machine gun and shoots the 2 Officers and blows up the police cars. A helicopter is also shot down and crashes into a nearby building]
[The army and SWAT show up.]
Mario: You'll never take me alive, you mother f — [everyone shoots him.] Ughh!

[Yoshi drives down the road and comes to the signpost. He turns left, away from Vice City]
Yoshi: Hmmm... Raccoon City sounds lovely!
[Yoshi drives into Raccoon City and promptly gets eaten by zombies]

Donkey Punch [2.19][edit]

Recording Producer: Okay, let's take it from the top.
Alvin and the Chipmunks: [singing in comically deep "terrible" voices] Christmas, Christmas time is here
Time for nuts and time for beer
David Seville: [Still hearing their "terrible" voices] Aw, they're just so terrible! They've eaten me out of house and home! They've got to go!
[David throws a canister of deadly helium into the recording booth, which causes the Chipmunks' voices to become extremely high and much better.]
Alvin and the Chipmunks: Christmas, Christmas, poop-de-poop
Don't buy me a hula hoop
David: They're fantastic!
Recording Producer: This could sell thousands of albums.
David: [noticing that the Chipmunks have collapsed from inhaling too much helium] Oh right... the deadly helium.

Book of Corrine [2.20][edit]

Man: She'll have the chef salad and I'll have... I'll have the steak.
Lobster: Yeah, yeah you better order the steak punk, don't want none o' this bitch, take these rubberbands off an' I'ma go clack-clack all up in your face mother —

Big Bird: Uugh! I feel like I'm gonna blow chunks of bird seed! [vomits all over the steps, then falls down.]
Elmo: Oh no, Big Bird has the bird flu!
Grover: The Word of the Day is Quarantine! Q-U-A-R-A-N-T-I-N-E, Quarantine!

[In a hospital]

Big Bird; Snuffleupagus... is that you?
Doctor: Oh, he must be hallucinating.
Snuffy: Hi, Bird, I'm so sorry you're sick.
Big Bird: I'm scared, Snuffy, thank God you can't get it, since you're not real. [Big Bird then dies]
Snuffy: Yeah, thank G — [chokes and coughs, then disappears in puffs of smoke]
Count von Count: [Handing out vaccines to Bert and crew of Sesame Street] One vaccine, a-hah-hah, Two vaccines, a-hah-hah!

[The show cuts to a separate bit]

Three Kids: One of these kids is not like the other, one of these kids is dead!
Announcer: Today's episode brought to you by the letters C.D.C.

[The channel changes to a screen featuring the words (And now a message from the bees) read by another announcer.]

Bee: Hey, boys and girls, remember to bee yourself. [pauses] And don't fuck with us or we'll sting you all at once and kill you.

Sock Puppet #1: Boy, being a sock puppet really sucks, huh?
Sock Puppet #2: Yeah, especially when your puppet master is a 14-year old boy who whacks off in your face every night.[The puppet master chuckles]

Santa Claus: [pulls over in his sleigh next to three girls] Ho, ho, ho!

Professor: [Laughing] Ah Projaq, you're a gift of former mad scientists everywhere; with your help I'll use my inventions for good, right boys?

[Lightening strikes Robot Number Five]

Robot: I live! This is awesome!

[walks downtown]

Robot: I'm alive, I'm alive!

[Townspeople scream in terror]

Robot: Ahaha, yeah; ooh, sparkly!

[Breaks glass of jewelry store]

Robot: Aw, being alive holds such amazing wonders!
Police Men: Freeze, uh hands a-above your head sir!
Robot: I love you all!

[Police shoot at Robot]

Robot: I want to play too!

[Shoots machine gun through his stomach]

Robot: What a great game; I win!

[Dog barks at Robot]

Robot: Look at you.

[Grabs the dog with a harsh grip on dog killing and bleeding the dog]

Robot: I haven't seen anything so adorable in all my twenty minutes of life; come here you!
Professor: Well, boys, I hope you...oh my god!

[Robot sleeps on ground with dog in hand]

Police Men: Freeze copkiller!
Professor: What, no!
Police Men: There'd better be a reason!

[Police start shooting]

Professor: [Struggling to stay up in gunfire] Aah no!
Announcer: Vanax, get your smile back; but without the desire to build giant robots. -->