Robot Chicken (season 1)

The following is a list of quotes from the first season of Robot Chicken.

Sweet J. Presents (Pilot) [1.0]

Junk in the Trunk [1.1]

George Bush: My name is George W. Bush and I approve this message. [cut to a picture of a taco] Tacos rule.

Rachael Leigh Cook: [holds up an egg] This is your brain... [holds up a frying pan] and this is heroin. This is what happens to your brain on heroin. [sets down egg, and smashes it with the pan, holds up pan with egg dripping down] And this is what your body goes through. But it's not over yet. [smashes dishes] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR GRADES! TO YOUR FRIENDS! [smashes cat] TO ALL YOUR STUFF! [smashes TV screen] WHAT HAPPENS TO THE PROFITS OF YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S BAKE SALE! [smashes an old lady; runs outside] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO WORLD ECONOMY! [smashes trash can; kicks a nearby mail box before smashing it] AND YOUR BOYFRIEND GIVES YOU HERPES SIMPLEX A!! AND YOU END UP GETTING A STUPID TATTOO OF A UNICORN! [begins smashing a van a bunch of times setting off it's car alarm] ON YOUR LEFT BUTT-CHEEK THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BITCHIN' FIREBIRD, BUT YOU WERE TOO STRUNG OUT TO NOTICE AT THE TIME! [runs away, and home runs a puppy; police surround her]

Police Man: We just wanna help! [gets his face smashed, all the cops jump Rachael]

Rachael Leigh Cook: [smashes all the police men away] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO FAMILY VALUES! [on a building ledge] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO THE POLLEN COUNT!!! [smashes the buildings wall] Any questions?! [people look at her with confused expressions] ANY QUESTIONS?!?! [smashes herself off the building]

Optimus Prime: Hi, I'm Optimus Prime. What you've just seen was a dramatization of what you, your friends, and your family go through if you don't get regular prostate exams. Now we Transformers don't have organic internal organs, and can't get cancer. But you do, and you can.

Jazz: So get your ass checked out before it's too late, turkeys!

Voiceover: This has been a message from the Cybertronian Medical Association.

[Title: BLOOPERS!]

Bloopers Host: [walks on and bows to the audience] Is everyone ready for more of those hilarious bloopers? You know, being a TV reporter isn't all fires and double homicides. When you can't get your lines right, sometimes the biggest story is you!

[Cut to a zoo. A giant panda sits on some rocks, chewing on a piece of bamboo. In front of her stands reporter Jerry Poppendaddi who is looking rather nervous]

[Caption: On the hunt-with Jerry Poppendaddi]

Jerry Poppendaddi: There's nothing like some tasty bamboo, especially when you're Ling Ling who's travelled all the way from China to visit...um...ah...I'm sorry, I just don't feel safe next to this animal.

Cameraman: It's completely harmless, Jerry.

Jerry Poppendaddi: Er, ah, are you sure? It's just that...ah...alright...

Cameraman: Still rolling.

Jerry Poppendaddi: There's nothing like a nice piece of bamboo...ah...when...crap!

Cameraman: Stop being such a wuss.

Jerry Poppendaddi: I-I-I...it's...fine. Fine!

Cameraman: Rolling.

Jerry Poppendaddi: There's...ah...nothing like a nice piece of bamboo, especially when...

[The panda leans over and bites Jerry's head off, killing Jerry. Cut back to the host. The audience is laughing]

Bloopers Host: You just can't trust the Chinese! There certainly weren't any Chinese in Hazzard County, but Bo and Luke had problems of their own!

[Cut to Hazzard County. The General Lee sits in the drive. A clapperboard appears which reads: "Dukes of Hazard: Take 1"]

Clapperboard: Marker.

Bo and Luke appear. Luke jumps into the car through the passenger window, but Bo slides over the bonnet into a tree. Cut to the same scene setup. The clapperboard claps, "Dukes of Hazard: Take 2". Bo and Luke try again but this time Bo bounce off the bonnet, on his head]

Bo Duke: Son of a bitch! Ow! Ow!

[Cut to the same scene setup. The clapperboard claps, "Dukes of Hazard: Take 3". Bo and Luke try again. Bo slides perfectly into the driver's seat but Luke gets stuck in the window]

Luke Duke: Wait! Wait, John! I'm stuck. I'm stuck! I'm stuck!

[Bo drives off regardless, hitting Luke's head on the mailbox. Cut back to the studio]

Bloopers Host: When David Duchovny announced he was leaving The X-Files, producers had to scramble to find a new male lead. Check out these never-before-seen screen tests!

[Cut to Mulder's office on the X-Files set]

Director: Keanu Reeves screen test, take one.

Gillian Anderson: So, you're telling me we're dealing with a sort of missing link in the evolutionary chain?

Keanu Reeves: That's right, Scully! The scientific name for this beast would be Rodanondus marcipius from the genus Simpleacles...huhhuhhuhhuh!

[Cut to Mulder's office on the X-Files set]

Director: Mr. T screen test, take one.

Gillian Anderson: So, you're telling me we're dealing with a sort of missing link...

Mr. T: You damn right, Scully! Missing link between the bugs and the humans! Talking 'bout...bad for the kids...don't play me for no jibber-jabber, fool!

[Cut to Mulder's office on the X-Files set]

Director: [sighs] Corky screen test, take 27.

Gillian Anderson: So, you're telling me we're dealing with a sort of missing link in the evolutionary chain?

[Long pause]

Corky: I just made a doody...in my pants!

[Cut back to the studio]

Bloopers Host: You know, Superman had a movie serial as far back as 1948, but the actor playing him had his share of super-problems!

[Cut to a black-and-white scene. A woman sits tied to a chair, with two armed villains behind her]

Woman: Help! Help me, Superman, help!

George Reeves: [staggers onto the set, clutching a bottle] This looks like a job...for Superman! [burps loudly]

[The villains look at each other]

Villain: [to the director So, do we keep going? Yeah? Okay. Ah...ah...ah...even Superman can't outrun...ah...a bullet... [Reeves hits him in the face with the bottle] Oh, my face! You hit me in the eye! Why would you do that?

George Reeves: Hooray! You're saved! Up, up and...away! [throws himself into the backdrop window, collapsing it]

[Cut back to the studio]

Bloopers Host: His lawyers called it [winks] "heat exhaustion". Remember Diff'rent Strokes? We got our hands on some footage from that classic sitcom that's never been seen before!

[Cut to the Diff'rent Strokes set. Conrad Bain (Mr. Drummond) has Gary Coleman (Arnold) over his knee with his pants down and is spanking him]

Conrad Bain: Someone's been a bad, bad boy! Bad, bad boy!

Gary Coleman: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Floor Manager: Conrad, Gary, you're on. Places, everyone.

[Gary jumps up and pulls his pants up]

Director: And...action!

Conrad Bain: Who wants ice cream?

Gary Coleman, Todd Bridges and Dana Plato: We do! We do!

[Cut to the Pikachu and Squirtle]

Bloopers Host: [voiceover] Here's a rare blooper from that smash-hit cartoon, "Pokémon"!

Pikachu: Pikachu! Pika pika, pika pi!

Squirtle: Squirtle Squirtle! Squirtle Squirtle!

Pikachu: Pika pika, Pikachu! Pika pika!

Squirtle: Squirtle Squirtle! Squirt - What the [bleep] am I saying?! No I mean it! This Crap makes no sense at all!

Pikachu: Say the line Earl, or you'll get the gas.

Squirtle: For the love of Christ, kids, go read a book or something!

[Cut back to the studio]

Bloopers Host: Next up is something I like to call [shouting] "BLOOPERS IN SPACE"!

[Cut to the set of the original series of Star Trek. The turbolift opens on the bridge of the Enterprise, and as William Shatner walks out, the doors slide closed crushing his groin]

William Shatner: Aaarrrggghhh! Ahhhh! Ahhhh! [collapses to his knees, the doors close twice on his head, and he collapses]

Leonard Nimoy: [runs up, laughing] Ah ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha ha!

[Cut to the set of Battlestar Galactica. Dirk Benedict (Starbuck) and Lorne Greene (Adama) stand in the corridor]

Adama: We're in big trouble, Starbuck.

Cylon Warrior: [approaches] Stop right there, humans. [falls flat on his face]

[Benedict and Greene laugh]

Bloopers Host: [voiceover] The actors playing those nasty Cylons on Battlestar Galactica had all sorts of problems manoeuvring in those bulky costumes. Just watch!

[A montage of Cylons falling over is shown: a Cylon approaches a director's chair and falls onto it; two Cylons bump into one another in a corridor; a Cylon falls into a fruitstand; two Cylons fall over each other, another trips over them, and a fourth Cylon falls from the ceiling; a Cylon guard falls over backwards; a Cylon falls down a flight of stairs; a Cylon with a shopping cart knocks over a product display, then falls over; a Cylon runs through a pane of glass carried by two others; a Cylon pushes another on a swing and is knocked over; a Cylon is polished by a makeup girl]

Director: Marker.

Cylon Warrior: By your command. [falls over; fixing his Cylon Raider and it falls on top of him; slips on a skateboard, crushing Muffy the Daggit; his arms and head fall off; walking towards a banana peel, but a wrecking ball knocks him into space]

[Cut back to the studio]

Bloopers Host: That's all the time we have today, but come back next week for more outrageous bloopers! [pulls out a noose and hangs himself, making the audience laugh harder. He kicks the stool, and dies]

[The end credits roll]

Nutcracker Sweet [1.2]

Girl: This is me, and this is Stalin. [draws love heart] We're married.

Narrator: The year is 1966 and Walt Disney is dead! [scene cuts to Disney's dead body] The beloved cartoonist, moviemaker, and hero to the American Family, left specific instructions to be carried out upon his death.

Roy Disney: Okay, do it.

[The doctor decapitating Walt's head with a chainsaw]

Man: Did he really said this should be done with a chainsaw?

Roy Disney: [punches the man] Never question him!

Narrator: The public would never know what mad experiments took place under the Matterhorn that day!

[The scientists finished a robotic experiment with Walt Disney's head]

Guard 1: Did it work?

Walt Disney: [waking up] I...hunger.

Guard 2: Bring in the first Cuban Child! [scientists bringing the Cuban boy, who is scared] Walt Disney must feed!

Walt Disney: Yes. Yes!

Cuban Boy: [crying and scared] Ayúdame! Ayúdame!

Walt Disney: YES!!!

[The scene cuts to outside Mattel hole as the child screaming in agony was heard. Years later at Orlando, Florida]

Narrator: As the years went by, Disney's power would grow. He demanded a Disney park be built in Florida so he could be closer to his Cuban food supply.

[We cut to the janitor cleaning the floors while whistling. Then he heard the noise and noticed the robotic Disney walking along the corridors, eating the Cuban child. The janitor freezes in terror]

Walt's Secretary: Sir, I need your approval on these extension plans.

Walt Disney: BUSY, EATING!!!

Guard 1: [walks toward the janitor in a threatening way] You didn't see anything, you got that?!

Janitor: God, help me!

[The guard kicks Janitor in the crotch as he screams in pain]

Narrator: Walt Disney's lust for the flesh of Cuban children, was kept under control, until one fateful day...

[Fade to the living room where the robotic Walt Disney and the guards are watching the news on TV]

Dick Hertz: The long journey of Elián González has finally come to a close. After being taken by Federal Agents from his temporary home in Miami, Little Elián has been reunited with his family in Cuba.

Walt Disney: [reacts, negatively] Elián? ELIÁN?!

[Disney grows into a giant crushing his Secretary and Guard and destroying the park]

Gigantic Walt Disney: ELIÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁN!!! [rushes toward Cuba]

[Cuban Soldiers are alerted]

Cuban Soldier: Andale! Andale! Arriba! Arriba!

[Disney destroys soldier flying war planes. As he reached Cuba, all the Cuban People screamed in terror]

Gigantic Walt Dianey: ELIÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁN!!!!!!!!! [shoots lasers on Cuban homes]

Elián González: [walking towards Disney] Here I am.

Gigantic Walt Disney: Elián?

Elián González: If it will stop devastation on my beloved Cuban people, I will sacrifice myself to you.

[Disney walks to take Gonzalez]

Fidel Castro: [pushes Elián aside] Die, American beast!!! [shoots Walt Disney in forehead and dies]

[Cuban people cheer]

Elián González: We must always remember the sacrifices made today by the brave Cuban soldiers, whose deaths will not be known outside of Cuba thanks to the American embargo.

[Annoyed Castro shoots him dead; record scratch heard in the background]

Fidel Castro: I love doing that!

Gold Dust Gasoline [1.3]

Giraffe: So, you told them the wrong time on purpose?

Noah: Yep, God hates freaks.

Giraffe: That doesn't sound like God.

Noah: "That doesn't blah-blah-blah!"

Giraffe: Well, then, why did you let the pixie fairies on board?

Noah: [shocked] I DID?! [grabs a mallet, heads downstairs, and attempts to kill them] Get back here, you little dust tosser! [whacks three times]

Merman: [laughing, talking to animals in boat] You guys are gonna drown, but we're a mermaid and a merman! We can swim!

Dragon: [bites mermaid's head off] I hope you can also asexually reproduce, butthole.

Merman: Crap.

[To start the sketch, Dominic Toretto from The Fast and the Furious, enters a bar carrying a white suitcase, walks by three people that are playing a game, and heads over to J.J. McClure and Victor Prinzim from The Cannonball Run, at a table in a dark corner]

Dominic: I hear you're the guys to see about entering a race.

J.J.: Not just any race.

Victor: [chuckling] No race has higher stakes than this.

Dominic: I want...in.

J.J.: You'd gotta pay if you want to play. [Dominic opens the suitcase to show the other men tons of money inside, causing them to nod in agreement] I haven't met the man yet, but I think he can handle this race.

Dominic: I don't scare easy.

[They only laugh at this comment. We cut to the starting line of the race with lots of cheering people. The race includes competitors from various media, including a Big Foot monster truck, which says large foot, Batman and Robin, the Mario brothers and Wario are on their own go-karts, the Ghostbusters, Michael Knight from Knight Rider, The Dukes of Hazzard, Speed Racer, the police officers from ChiPs, stuntman Evel Knievel, and M.A.S.K.. After a scene of Batman testing out some buttons on the Batmobile, causing it to bounce upwards and side-to-side]

Spritle: [walk to the Mach-5's trunk along with Chim-Chim] Let's stow away in the Mach-5, for it goes so very fast, and we always greatly assist Speed whenever he runs into trouble, which he always does. Mmm-hmm!

Chim-Chim: Chim-Chim!

[They open the trunk, only to find a dead hooker cramped in it, so they close the door, eyes wide with shock and fear with cartoon sound effects. Just over a second later, the starting woman raises her flag. As she does, the racers glare at their opponents with a sneer. Finally, the woman waves her flag, which starts the race, and the racers run over her to death; then a safe falls from the sky and squishes her. After that, we cut to the racers flying down a street to gain speed. Various shots fly by as this happens, including one of Batman, one of Speed Racer, a speeding speedometer, the taco from the very first episode, one of the Big Foot truck's tires, a gearshift in the M.A.S.K. car, Dominic's face, Chim-Chim as he scratches his behind, and the Mario brothers driving between the other racers to beat them. After all of that, we cut to Michael in his car]

Michael Knight: Better use the turbo boost.

KITT: Michael, wait. I can only use my turbo boost once per episode.

Michael Knight: Well, I'm using it! [presses the turbo boost button, flies off of the road, and crashes into a bridge, which blows up the car and kills him right away, with a tunnel]

[We cut to Speed Racer, who remains still as he drives]

Speed Racer: [mentally] It's important that I do not move because if I were to move, it would add to the cost, so if I stay perfectly still, then I'll be preferable to moving because animation costs money. Uh-huh!

[Meanwhile, two of the cops from CHiPs; Jon Baker and Ponch Poncherello, speed by Batman and Robin, and then slow down on purpose, forcing Batman to hit the brakes to avoid a collision]

Robin: Gosh-golly-gee-willicker-zippity-jippity-doo, Batman! Those policemen are pretty rude!

Batman: Robin, law-enforcement officers are the backbone of our society. [the policemen moon the superheroes with their butts, causing him to shake his head] Mother[bleep]s.

[In another area, Bo and Luke Duke fly over a hill in the General Lee]

Dukes: Yaaaaaahoo!

[They land, but Bo's hand accidentally falls on Luke's right leg, causing them to look at each other awkwardly, and then through the windows. Meanwhile, the Trakker family; Matt and his son Scott from M.A.S.K., has Jayce in the Armed Force from Wheeled Warriors, catching up behind them]

Scott: [complaining] Dad, that guy is gaining! We're never gonna win the race! I have to go to the bathroom! Will you buy me a soda? My friend Jimmy's dad bought him a new skateboard; I want a new skateboard! [groans] This race is stupid!

[Matt, fed up, tosses Scott out through the top window, causing Jayce behind him to drive out of the way, avoid hitting him, and fall down the edge of a cliff. Afterwards, the Armed Force explodes off-screen and tosses Jayce back in the shot; then he inexplicably catches fire. Meanwhile, Sheriff Rosco Coltrane places a fake detour sign near the road]

Sheriff Rosco: [snickers] This'll fool them Duke boys! [hides in the bush and snickers again]

[The Dukes see the sign]

Luke: There's a detour, Bo.

[They follow the sign down a trail and yell, "Yahoo!" again, but they are cut short when they drive off of a cliff and their car explodes, killing them instantly]

Sheriff Rosco: [frightened in regret] Oh. Oh, my god!

[Cut back to Batman and Robin]

Robin: I don't believe in cheating, Batman. I believe in doing what's right.

Batman: If you don't want a bat bitch-slap, you'll launch the Batnet and take down those cops.

Robin: [presses a few buttons] Oops! [accidentally launches a grappling hook that latches onto Ponch's face, making him scream]

Batman: Retract the line! Retract the line!

Robin: No, no, don't retract! Don't retract! [not listening, Batman, pulls back the line, making Ponch's head land on his lap, causing him to scream in panic] Get it off of me! It's in my lap! It touched me! [screams again] Pull over!

[Ponch's severed head, along with Robin's babbling, makes Batman accidentally swerve too hard and crash. Robin's body falls out into the road as the Batmobile flips; then the Big Foot truck runs over both Robin and the Batmobile, killing Robin and Batman, which explodes, making Robin's now-dead body roll away a few feet. Finally, whatever remains of the Batmobile lands on Robin. In repsonse, Sheriff Rosco puts his hat on his heart and shakes his head in grief. His basset hound Flash also howls in sadness. After this, we snap to the now-headless Ponch driving next to Jon]

Jon: We're almost to the finish line, partner! [sees what has happened to him] Oh...

[Back in the M.A.S.K. car, Matt sees Jon behind him, so he tosses T-Bob to robot out through the window to hit Jon, making him fly off of his bike. Matt laughs as this happens, and the next shot is of Mario and Luigi]

Luigi: Mario, we're-a losing!

Mario: It's-a time to use-a the Blue Tortoise Shell, no?

Luigi: Do it, you magnificent stereotypical bastard!

[A blue Koopa Shell pops out of Mario's go-kart; then an image of Wario slides in on the bottom right]

Wario: The Blue Tortoise Shell is Mario Kart race's ultimate weapon! It magically finds the lead car in the race, and it takes it out. Wha-ha-ha-ha!

[The shell hits Matt's car, making him fly out into a forest. His car crashes and breaks into pieces, a tree collapses onto him, and his body hits another tree and explodes. His head rolls to a stop in front of a rabbit hole, where a rabbit pops up, looks around, sniffs, and takes it underground. Meanwhile, the headless body of Ponch, the Big Foot truck, Knight Rider, mysteriously having survived, Speed Racer, and the Mario brothers all cross the finish line. At the victory party, Fonzie pops open a corked bottle, but the cork hits Evel in the head]

Dominic: [walking up to Headless Ponch] You're more man than me, Headless Ponch.

[An ambulance drives up, and J.J. and Victor climb out with a gift basket]

J.J.: Headless Ponch!

Victor: Headless Ponch!

J.J.: As the winner, you receive this gift basket from Omaha Steaks...

Victor: Awesome! Wonderful!

J.J.: ...and a fifty dollar gift certificate from Best Buy!

Victor: Best Buy! Woof!

[They hand the gift basket to Ponch, but the body simply falls backward and drops it. While everyone looks on and groans in disgust, Dominic steals the gift basket]

[Outtakes with Burt Reynolds and Dom DeLuise during the same sketch]

Burt Reynolds: I'm in awe of headless Ponch. He's very attractive.

[Take]

Burt Reynolds: Headless pouch.

[Take]

Dom DeLuise: Headless pouch. Ponch. Ponch. Ponch. Go.

[Take]

Burt Reynolds: Headless stick. Ha ha ha!

[Take]

Dom DeLuise: Excuse me. I just farted in a very musical tone. [making babbling noise]

Burt Reynolds: [smacks Dom] Shut up!

Dom DeLuise: Ruff!

[Take]

Burt Reynolds: I like being an American. I like ev-ery-thing ABOUT...being Burt. Being Burt, being Burt, being Burt. Gosh, it's good.

[Take; Dom burps; take]

Dom DeLuise: I want to show you something that I'm very proud of...and it's gonna scare the living [bleep] out of you. Ha ha ha! You will have to step back just a few feet.

[Take]

Dom DeLuise: Print. Pfft. Lunch.

Plastic Buffet [1.4]

[We start with a newspaper issue of The Orange Times that spins up to us and says: "Giant Meteor Headed for Earth" with a picture of a meteor below the title. A few seconds later, the screen page flips to a different newspaper of The Dizzy Times that also spins up to us and says: "Planet Doomed!" with a photo of Earth underneath. One more page flips reveals another issue of The Spinning News that says: "We wasted our lives!" say Bitter Environmentalists" and a photo of a screaming man that stands in front of tree being hugged by two other men. We then fade to NASN (parody of NASA) administrator Sean O'Keefe at a podium in a convention, talking to reporters. His name and occupation slide under him as he talks]

Sean O'Keefe: Well, it is scientifically possible to fly a crew of men to the asteroid and destroy it, saving our planet. However, it will cost $80,000 trillion dollars.

[We cut to a group of reporters that are talking to O'Keefe about the asteroid]

First Reporter: Sir, is that a made up number?

Sean O'Keefe: [sarcastically] Yes. [walks out of the shot]

Thad Generic: [walks up to the podium with his name sliding underneath him] The fine citizens of this country are reluctant [bangs the podium, causing feedback from the microphones] to support another tax increase. Therefore, Congress is asking America to vote on who goes into space.

[We snap to a different group of reporters]

Second Reporter: Don't we have highly trained astronauts?

Thad Generic: Oohh...that's just something of a myth.

'Second Reporter: Plus, how can people vote?

Thad Generic: They can call our special 800 number. You can vote as many times as you like, but each call costs you $30,000. [to the audience] Kids, get your parents' permission.

[The scene cuts to president George W. Bush in his office in the White House]

George W. Bush: As your leader, I would be honored if America selected me to lead a dangerous suicide mission into outer space...but this letter from my daddy says I don't need to go! [makes rude musical notes with his tongue, spreads his wings out, gets up, and runs around his office pretending to fly] Zoom, zoom, zoom...Zoom, zoom, zoom!

[We snap to a newscaster that sits at a news anchor desk and reports the news]

Newscaster: The results are in... [a photo of Harrison Ford snaps into the shot] and the man Americans have selected to lead the meteor mission is Harrison Ford, who has starred in more top-grossing motion pictures than any other actor alive. [as he says this, scenes from Raiders of the Lost Ark and Witness play. In them, respectively, Ford runs from a rolling boulder and beats the life out of a man on a farm] Today, the fate of the world is in his capable hands.

[We cut back to the NASN convention, where Ford is speaking to several more people from the podium]

Harrison Ford: Listen; I'm 62 years old, and I'm just an actor. You people are all insane.

[We snap to an obese geeky fan with a Star Wars shirt on]

Star Wars fan: Go get 'em, Han Solo!

[The scene cuts to a space themed room, where Ford and O'Keefe are having a conversation and a scientist behind them studies the path of the meteor]

Harrison Ford: I'd like to meet the team of engineers that will accompany me on this mission.

Sean O'Keefe: Actually, the remaining five spots on the flight will be filled by Aerosmith. We need a cool theme song for this mission.

Steve Tyler: [walks into the shot] I'm ready to rooooooock! [vomits a blue substance onto the table in front of the trio]

Harrison Ford: My God-did you just get off the centrifuge trainer?

Steve Tyler: No, I just shot smack into both my eyeballs. YEOW!

[The next scene is of a live action television viewer in his bedroom, spitting out some of his drink in response to the previous scene]

Irate Viewer: That's terrible! Aww, Steven Tyler's been clean for years! I have to write an angry letter. [begins to type on his laptop] "Dear ass-faces..."

[The next shot is of a high school gym, where Mark Hamill talks to several more people, including the fat Star Wars fan]

Mark Hamill: Ladies and gentlemen, I've gathered you all here today to...volunteer my services and blow up that meteor. I mean, come on, I blew up the freaking Death Star with my eyes closed. [scoffs] No problem.

Star Wars fan: That was just a movie, dude.

[The next shot shows a space shuttle that is about be launched into outer space]

Countdown Announcer: 4, 3, 2, 1, 0...Liftoff. Liftoff.

[The shuttle blasts right off into space]

Steven Tyler: Yeah! [vomits]

[We cut to the meteor hurtling towards Earth, and then back to inside the shuttle]

Harrison Ford: All right, people, this is it. We've got to make a perfect three-point landing on the surface of a chunk of rock traveling 14,000 kilometers an hour and use our positioning software to determine our exact locations in which to detonate our charges, fracturing the meteor into small-enough pieces that'll burn up harmlessly in the Earth's atmosphere. Then we'll turn this puppy around and get home in one piece. Can we do this?

Steven Tyler and the other astronauts: Yeah!

Harrison Ford: Are you with me?

Steven Tyler and the other astronauts: Yeah!

Space Crew: [chanting] U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.-

[Just as the space shuttle lands on the meteor, it blows up]

Sean O'Keefe: [shocked at watching this on a monitor] [Bleep]!

George W. Bush: [also shocked at watching on his TV set] [Bleep]!

Irate Viewer: [not as shocked, even though he was watching on his TV set] Now, that sucks donkey dung.

[To end the segment, the meteor zooms at lighting speed towards Earth and destroys it in one blast]

Toyz in the Hood [1.5]

[The Tooth Fairy is flying outside as the sweet music plays. The Tooth Fairy arrives at a house and gives a boy a quarter for his teeth and strokes his hair. The boy wakes up due to his mom and dad arguing]

Mom: [from outside] Where the hell have you been?!

Dad: [from outside] It's none of your business!

Mom: [from outside] None of my business?! It isn't my business that you come home every night at 2 am?!

Boy: [to the Tooth Fairy as his parents continues to fight] Are you really a Tooth Fairy?

Tooth Fairy: Uh...Yeah...

Dad: [from outside] Damn right, it isn't.

Mom: [from outside] Maybe you'd rather be with your whore.

Dad: [from outside] Don't you DARE call her that!

Mom: [from outside] You admit it! You unbelievable bastard!

Dad: [from outside] That is IT! [the sound of the mom getting hit while the boy and Tooth Fairy look shocked] I'm gonna shut you up once and for all!

Mom: [from outside] You put that down!

Dad: [from outside] You get your hands off me! GET OFF! [shoots her dead]

Tooth Fairy: Shhh. [walks out of the boy's room, to confront the father outside]

Dad: [from outside] Who the hell are you?! [the Tooth Fairy is fighting him offscreen] Get off of me! Get off of me!

[Then a gunshot is heard again]

Tooth Fairy: [comes in to the boy again with blood on her clothes. She sits down with the boy a couple minutes, then she gives him another quarter, much to the boys delight] You be good now. [leaves out the door]

[Alternative Ending: Part 1]

Mom: [from outside] You admit it! You unbelievable bastard!

Dad: [from outside] That is IT! [the sound of the mom getting hit while the boy and Tooth Fairy look shocked] I'm gonna shut you up once and for all!

Mom: [from outside] You put that down!

Dad: [from outside] You get your hands off me! [shoots her dead]

Tooth Fairy: Shhh. [walks out of the boy's room, to confront the father outside]

Dad: [from outside] Who the hell are you?! [the Tooth Fairy is fighting him offscreen] Get off of me! Get off of me! [then a gunshot is heard again. The father opens the door with a bloody shirt and a suitcase] Hey, Champ! Uh...Okay, pack up! You and me are going on vacation...uh...to Disneyland!

Boy: Is mom coming?

Dad: DISNEYLAND!

[Alternative Ending: Part 2]

Dad: [from outside, hitting his wife] I'm gonna shut you up once and for all!

Mom: [from outside] You put that down!

Dad: [from outside] You get your hands off me! [shoots her dead]

Tooth Fairy: Shhh. [walks out of the boy's room, to confront the father outside]

Dad: [from outside] Who the hell are you?! [the Tooth Fairy is fighting him offscreen] Get off of me! Get off of me!

[Then the sirens are heard, followed by a gunshot. Then the police arrive the house offscreen]

Police officer 1: [from outside, confronting the father] Freeze!

Dad: [from outside] FREEZE?! When I drop a FAIRY?! You know I am ONLY getting started, mother[bleep]er!

Police officer 1: [from outside] Hey, sir, put down the weapon! Put down the wea- [the father starts shooting until the police arrest him] Stay down!

Police officer 2: [from outside] On the ground!

Police officer 1: [from outside] Stay right down!

Police officer 2: [from outside] Spread your legs.

Police officer 1: [from outside] Don't move.

Police officer 2: [from outside] Put your hands behind your back, sir.

[The father is taken away in a police car, leaving the child alone in the house. Then the marching band, an award presenter, the hula dancer, the father, and the Tooth Fairy entered the child's room with a large check]

Award Presenter: Congratulations! This is the darkest sketch in television history!

Award Presenter, Hula Dancer, Dad & Tooth Fairy: [chanting] Darkest Sketch! Darkest Sketch! Darkest Sketch!

[The title "Bloopers!" comes on the screen as the Bloopers Host walks in and bows]

Bloopers Host: Is everyone ready for more of those histerical bloopers? [audience applaudes] You know, The Today Show has been a trusted source of morning news for more than 50 years! But it's not always boring. JUST WATCH!!!

[Cut to Katie Couric]

Katie Couric: And sadly, Ling Ling the panda was destroyed by federal wildlife officials. In a related story... [Spider-Man swings in the scene and lands on the window glass, he slides down the glass] In a related story: traffic on New York City's Brooklyn Bridge was brought to a standstill today... [Tarzan is heard screaming he lands on the glass and slides off the glass] Traffic was brought to a... [gasps as an obese Al Roker in a loincloth hits the glass]

Al Roker: [muffled] H-Hi, Katie!

[Katie waves to him. We cut back to the Bloopers Host]

Bloopers Host: Someone get the Windex! Everyone remembers Mister Rogers' Neighborhood. But things weren't always hunky dory in the hood!

[Cut to Mister Rogers]

Mister Rogers: Do you know what sharing is? Sometimes it's nice to sh... [touches the track and gets a static electricity shock] Ow! Peter, come over here please. [Peter walks into the scene] The train track's too close to the lake. I got a shock. Weren't we gonna solve this problem?

Peter: I'm sorry It's...I-It's just that you know that the lake is...

Mister Rogers: [grabs Peter and starts to drown him in the lake] We're solving the problem Peter, solving the problem, solving the problem, solving the problem, [Peter drowns and dies] and problem solved!

[Cut back to the Bloopers Host]

Bloopers Host: Now get ready for one of the biggest bloopers of all time!

[Cut to CNN studio]

CNN Reporter 1: This just in; CNN calls the state of Florida for Al Gore! That means that Gore has won the Presidental election! Thank you, Jesus!

CNN Reporter 2: [laughing] We sure dodged that bullet!

[Cut back to the Bloopers Host]

Bloopers Host: Oops! The top-rated CSI is full of twist and turns, as well as it's share of unexpected Blooper action!

[Cut to Dr. Al Robbins about to operate on a patient when snakes pop out of the patient, startling him]

Al: [laughing] You guys! Oh, that was-that was really funny! [looks at his hand and realizes that when he was startled, he accidentally cut himself] Oh, Jesus, I-I-I [bleep]ing cut myself! [chuckles] It's really bad, it's-it's deep! [Bleep]! OW!

[Cut to two detectives at the scene of a shooting, where the victim's body is in a bag on a gurney]

Detective: This bullet casing shouldn't be here if the shooting came from ten meters west-

Victim: [farts, laughing] Sorry that was me!

Detective: I'm Sorry!

Victim: Sorry, I'm Sorry! Sorry! [farts again] Sorry about that!

[Cut back to the Bloopers Host]

Bloopers Host: Now it's time for the amazing sports bloopers! [picks up a baseball bat] There always a home run!

[Cut to a basketball game where a guy is laughing when the basketball hits him, an old woman catches it and an old man laughs at him. Then it shows a boy, from Car Jumper, skateboarding on stairs, he then falls off the board. Then it shows two people riding their bikes, one takes out a staff and hits the girl on her bike, making her fall in the progress. Then it shows a man exercising, he hits his crotch and groans in pain. Then cuts back to the boy still falling on the steps. Then it goes to four football players, one gives the one in the front of him a wedgie, he groans. Then it shows a baseball player getting beaten by two mascots. One is a leopard while the other resembles a Teletubby with baseball bats, the leopard punches and kicks him. Then it goes to a baseball game, where one of the people falls of their seats and lands in another row. Then a kid runs with a football, and gets tackled by three football players. Then it cuts to the Hindenburg disaster with a lot of people. including Grandma Fu, running. Then a player is using a pole vault to hop over a football wire, he jumps but he screams in pain as he gets impaled by the pole vault and slides down it, killing him. We cut back to host]

Bloopers Host: That's all for today, but come back next time for more of those cr-crazy bloopers!

[The Bloopers Host swallows a fistful of pills with whiskey; his heart stops, and slides off his chair, dead; credits roll]

Vegetable Fun Fest [1.6]

Lucy: Just kick the ball, you block-head!

Charlie Brown: But every time I try, you just take the ball away.

Lucy: This time I won't! Come on already!

Charlie Brown: [to himself] Maybe this time she means it. I'm really gonna do it! I'm gonna kick the football! This is it! [kicks Lucy] That's for years of humiliation, britch!

Charlie Brown: Poor Linus...

Lucy: [insane ranting] That block-head! Everyone's a block-head! Block-head, block-head, block-head!

Police officer: [talks in the style that most Peanuts adults do] Wah wah, wah wah-wah-wah, wah wah, waaah?

Lucy: What did he say?

Charlie Brown: Ugh, I never have any idea what any adult says; it's always that "wah wah wah" crap.

Charlie Brown: This is different from the time we got lost in France, or when we almost drowned during the great river raft race. I fear just having a positive attitude with strong Christian overtones won't save us this time.

Marcie: Hold me, sir. [she and Peppermint Patty start French-kissing]

Charlie Brown: I said "strong Christian overtones"!

Charlie Brown: I'm at the end of my rope, Lucy. Everybody else is dead, besides you and me. [the Great Pumpkin eats Lucy while Charlie Brown is still talking] I thought being stuck as a pre-pubescent bald kid for 50 years couldn't get any worse. What should we do?

Great Pumpkin: [trying his best impression of Lucy, but failing horribly] You should let the Great Pumpkin eat you!

Charlie Brown: Meet the kite-eating tree, you ugly son of a britch!

A Piece of the Action [1.7]

[At the Surreal Life House]

Narrator: Welcome to the Surreal Life.

[The scene hows Eric Estrada and Vanilla Ice are both stirring the mix in the bowls, and Ron Jeremy tastes one of them with his hand, much to their disgust]

M.C. Hammer: [dancing with Emmanuel Lewis/Manny Moe] Come on, come on. Get down. [they hug]

[Then shows Trishelle Cannatella relaxing on the chair as Corey Feldman dancing around the room]

Narrator: Let's take a look at what the Surreal Life Gang has been up to recently.

Vince Neil: [to the interviewer] We were really excited to participate in the Iditarod dogsled race, [shows the Surreal Life Gang riding on the dog sled] till one of the dogs fell in love with Manny Moe. [shows the Husky dog playing with Emmanuel Lewis/Manny Moe, who tried to run away]

Narrator: Let's see what's in the store for our Surreal Life folks today.

Ron Jeremy: We have to take the One Ring and destroy it in the fires of Mount Doom.

Surreal Life Gang: Ooohhh!

[At the snow mountains called Caradhras, the Surreal Life Gang heard footsteps]

Eric Estrada: Wait, something's coming!

[The Orcs appeared on their horseback. The Surreal Life Gang runs away, but one of the Orcs cut off Trishelle's head. M.C. Hammer screams and runs away as the Orcs passed by. We cut to Fangorn Forest where the Surreal Life Gang is fighting off the Orcs. Eric shoots arrows at the Orcs and the bird up in the sky as well]

Gary Coleman: [dressed as the Hobbit] There's no way I'm doin' this! Somebody get me a cab, 'cause I'm goin'- [gets shot through his neck by the arrow and dies]

[Ron defeated the Orcs with the axe. Then he sees another Orc on the horseback. He tosses the axe away and takes out the long censored board. They charged at each other and Ron knocks down the Orc dead]

Emmanuel Lewis/Manny Moe: [as Sméagol] We must helps them! They's our friends! [as Gollum] They hates Manny Moe! [as Sméagol] No, they loves us! [as Gollum] If they dies, we go get pizza! [gets playfully tackled by the same Husky dog]

Vanilla Ice: [dancing to himself] Yep, yep, come and get it, oh, yeah. [urinating on the tree]

[The tree awakens, and revealed to be the Ent. The Ent looks down and sees Vanilla urinating on him. Furious, the Ent crushes Vanilla, who looks up and screamed in terror, with his foot. We cut to the cracks of Mount Doom]

Vince Neil: Back to the fires that forged you, evil trinket! [edge breaks, plummets] Aahh! Arrgh!! [Corey Feldman jumps down, grab Vince's hand, grapple hooks the cliff and stops their fall] Corey! You saved me, bro.

Corey Feldman: You can burn in hell, I just want the ring. [drops down]

Vince Neil: Corey, no! ["SPLAT!!" sound] Aw, bro!

Corey Feldman: Um friends, remember me fondly...in Stand By Me...and in The Lost Boys...only the fist half. [sunken down] Oh, a-a-and Friday the 13th was pretty gooh... [dies]

[Back to the Surreal Life House]

Narrator: Next time on the Surreal Life...

Eric Estrada: Well, Ron and I had to check out a suspicious meteor.

[We cut to Planet Hoth from The Empire Strikes Back where the Probe Droid is floating around. Ron dressed up as Chewbacca, roared at the Probe Droid to distract him. Then Eric uses the blaster to shoot the Probe Droid]

The Deep End [1.8]

Aquaman: Listen, uh, I don't mean to be nitpicky or anything, but, um, the living room hasn't been vacuumed in weeks and...

Superman: Hey, Waterman, I was busy, you know...realigning the planet, or something.

Aquaman: But you drew vacuuming out of the job jar and everyone else...

Superman: Face it. Who's gonna save the Earth from a giant meteor while Superman's vacuuming? You? I don't think so.

Aquaman: I could. Hey!

[Cut to a trailer rating screen rated "R" for Righteous. Then, cut to a plane landing in Nazareth as music that sounds similar to the music from the trailer for Kill Bill plays. Then, cut to Jesus on the cross as the Easter Bunny watches in the crowd, and angrily opens his eyes. Then, the title card appears (Kill Bunny). Then, cut to Jesus riding a motorcycle in the jumpsuit worn by The Bride in Kill Bill. Then, cut to Jesus ordering a drink at a bar. Then, cut to a black and white shot of the Easter Bunny playing the flute. Then, cut to Jesus slamming Buck's head in a door]

Jesus Christ: Where's the bunny?! [cut to him sword-fighting, then cut to him sitting in a car] Wiggle your big toe. Great. I am Jesus, you know.

[Cut to the Jewish man with a crown on a throne pulling out a katana, then cut to Santa and his rabbi ninjas]

Santa Claus: Yashi mana!

[The rabbi ninjas run downstairs and cornered Jesus]

Rabbi Ninja: Hyah!

[Then Jesus fights the rabbi ninjas with his katana sword]

Rabbi Ninjas: Oy!

[Then, cut to Jesus and the Easter Bunny sitting down together]

Jesus Christ: Five-fingered palm of death! [attempts the move, and the Bunny lays a giant pile of eggs; to the camera] Let me try that again.

[Cut to Jesus, dodging his head from the flying axe as he continues to fight the rabbi ninjas, then cut to him sword fighting with Santa in the snow, then a trailer. Elle Driver from Kill Bill walks in and swordfights with Jesus. Jesus punches her in the eye and heals her]

Elle Driver: [surprised] Thanks!

Jesus Christ: It's what I do. [then cuts her in half]

[Cut to Jesus training with George Burns (God), then sword fighting. The title card comes up. Cut to the Easter Bunny and Jesus]

Easter Bunny: You didn't think it would be that easy, did you?

Jesus Christ: For a second there, yeah, I kind of did.

[Cut to Jesus sword fighting again, then "Coming Soon", then static as the sketch ends]

Badunkadunk [1.10]

Sabrina's Friend: Oh, gosh! Bobby Fever smiled at me during homeroom! Do you think he'll ask me to the dance?

Sabrina: Sure! [scoffs] If he's into girls with fat thighs.

[Sabrina winks to the camera while her friend starts crying, "Sabrina The Teenage Bitch" title card appears]

Salem: Sabrina, my food is on the top shelf, and I can’t reach it, and I’m really hungry! Will you give me some food?

Sabrina: [pretends to reach for the food] Uhhhh… NO!

[Sabrina winks to the camera, "Sabrina The Teenage Bitch" title card appears]

[Three children trick-or-treating on Halloween encounter Sabrina, who is dressed as a stereotypical witch, on a bridge]

Trick-or-treaters: Ooh, a witch, a witch! Look at the witch!

Sabrina: [mocking the children] Ooh! Ooh! A witch! [grabs the children’s bags and throws them over the bridge] Happy fucking Halloween!

Trick-or-treaters: Awwwwwww…

[Sabrina winks to the camera, "Sabrina The Teenage Bitch" title card appears]

Alien 1: Dammit, dammit, dammit! Years of planning, ruined!

Alien 2: How were we gonna take over the world with a white Michael Jackson, anyway?

Alien 1: Dammit, dammit, dammit!

Toy Meets Girl [1.11]

Destro: Everyone just sort of lost interest. I think as you get older, ruling the world just seems like too much trouble.

Pinocchio: [shivering, sitting next to a fire somewhere in a frozen forest] I always pay my taxes. [his nose rises. He breaks the end of it off and throws it in the fire using it for firewood to get warmer until he is rescued] I have no idea where Geppetto is buried. [his nose rises again. He breaks it off and throws it in the fire again]

She-Ra: Am I done yet?

Michael Moore: You'll know, She-Ra, you'll know.

Midnight Snack [1.12]

Black Midget: Yeah! Then the five-O plant the DMA evidence. You can't trust to police! One time a police take my shoeshine box. Beat me with it! My lordy!...What? Every black man on TV gots to be a posamative role model?

Dog: But the DNA evidence matched 13 out of 13 tests. The defendant is clearly guilty.

Jack: ...Uh, you're a dog, OK? So let's go over this again.

Judge: Jack Backett, you are charged with double homicide. How do you plead?

Jack: Not guilty, your honor.

Jury Foreman: This is gonna be fun! Yee-haw!

[Dog busts into the courtroom with a gun]

Guy in the courtroom: Oh my God! He's got a gun!

Dog: Nobody listened to me before! Jack must die! [starts going postal in the courtroom.]

Narrator: Tune in next time when every dog has its day.

Atta Toy [1.13]

[Papa Smurf and Brainy are in Vanity's house, investigating the latter's murder, in a parody of Seven]

Papa Smurf: One thing's for certain, Brainy. Vanity Smurf died the way he lived.

Brainy: Bicurious?

[Brainy Smurf enters Smurfette's house, when all of a sudden, he sees Jokey holding a box.]

Jokey: Oh, Brainy. Hi, Brainy!

Brainy: Oh, no, Jokey! Your sick sense of humor, your total disregard for smurf safety, your Se7en movie trading card collection. You're the killer!

Jokey: I got you a present!

Brainy: What's in the box, Jokey, what's in the box!?

Jokey: It's a surprise!

Brainy: [opens the box] Nooo!!! Oh, Smurfette, noooo!!!

[The box explodes]

Jokey: Hahaha! Surpriiiiiise!!! Mwahahahaha!!!

Brainy: What the hell is wrong with you?

Pat O'Brien: The new Fall TV season is starting, and The Insider has the scoop on all the new series. P.S. to the competition: go fuck yourselves! This year's Amazing Race will be more amazing than ever, now that religious deities are joining the action.

[Scene changes to a man and a woman in the middle of a desert with a flat tire]

Man: Oh, Jesus, please help us! Jesus!

Jesus: I'm here. I've brought you a tire iron, my son.

Man: Praise Jesus!

[Jesus is fixing the tire when more contestants arrive]

Woman on camel: Mr. Christ, please help steer this camel!

Man in taxi: Oh, Lord Jesus, we could really go for some cab fair.

Man #3: [offscreen] Whoo! Buddha's the way to go, jackass!

[Buddha drives onscreen in a motorcycle with the man sitting in a sidecar]

Buddha: Buddha's all up in your grill! [drives away]

Pat O'Brien: Tired of their liberal shenanigans, Fox owner Rupert Murdoch fired Simpsons creator Matt Groening, and promises same show, brand new attitude this season.

[Scene changes to Homer Simpson and Apu Nahasapeemapetilon at the Kwik-E-Mart]

Homer: Morning Apu! One order of Freedom Fries, please.

Apu: Oh, for the love of my heathen God! They're called french fries, you fat, stupid American!

[Suddenly, officers of the Department of Homeland Security barge through the door holding rifles]

Homeland Security Officer: Department Of Homeland Security, don't move!

Apu: But…

[The Department Of Homeland Security officer knocks Apu down with the butt of his rifle and all the officers point their guns at Apu; scene changes to The Simpsons family at a barbeque]

Simpsons: Happy birthday, America!

Marge: Mmm, I hope Apu has learned his lesson.

[Scene then changes to a naked Apu chained to the neck by Lynndie England in a detention prison]

Apu: I am so sorry I ever dared question the wisdom and strength of the United States of America.

Lynndie England: Damn straight! Yee-haw!

Pat O’Brien: Uh-oh! J.Lo's new bow is a no-go on the phone-o. But take it from P.O., her new line of Day-Glo Faygo will make fans say "HO!" And now we enter day three of our Kirsten Dunst headache watch. Kiki's representatives insist the megastar's just fine, but eyewitness accounts say otherwise.

[A woman is at a duty-free shop being interviewed]

Woman: I saw Kirsten Dunst in a duty-free store, uh, buying Tylenol. A LOT of it.

[Scene changes to a medical expert sitting at his desk]

Pat O'Brien: Even medical experts agree.

Medical expert: Well, a headache can be indicative of a failed movie deal, or possibly a pregnancy.

Joint Point [1.14]

Bone-Chiling Villain: Gahahahaaaa! Sorry little girl, but Queen Beryl needs your life force to take over the planet earth! Gahahahaaaa!

Luna: Usagi, change into Sailor Moon quickly!

Usagi: Right! Moon Prism Power, Make Up! [sighs]

[Transforms into Sailor Moon]

Sailor Moon: In the name of the moon, I will punish...Oh my god!!!

Bone-Chiling Villain: Hahahaaaa!!! HMMMM! [whispers] What? What is it? OH MAN!! [grabs a garbage can lid and covers his penis] AUGH UH! I-I-I-I don't know why that happened!

Sailor Moon: Well...Geez!

Bone-Chiling Villain: I'm so sorry! That is so disrespectful of me! You are pretty hot though!

Sailor Moon: Should...should we...still fight, because I don't really want to anymore!

Bone-Chiling Villain: A-A-AWW! You know what, the moment's definitely passed!

Sailor Moon: Alright! S-See you next time man!

Bone-Chiling Villain: Nah! Sure! Okay! Um-Um-Another time!

Gary the Nerd: [sitting in front of his computer in his room] If I own enough noobs, I can raise my rank in the server from 3 to 1. Hee-hee!

Radio DJ: Be our 99th caller right now to be a winner in our Mission: Impossible III contest!

Gary the Nerd: Ooh, ooh! [grabs his phone and speed dials the number to the radio station]

Radio DJ: [answers phone] Hello! You're our 99th caller!

Gary the Nerd: Excellent!

Radio DJ: You win your choice of a GameBoy Advance or a date with M:I III star, Scarlett Johansson!

Gary the Nerd: [shaking nervously] Can I have both?

Radio DJ: No.

Gary the Nerd: Do I have to choose right now?

Radio DJ: Yes.

Gary the Nerd: [makes drawn-out moans as he makes up his mind for several seconds] I guess I choose Scarlett Johansson.

[Cuts to the scene to outside food stand. Gary is standing in a white tuxedo as he anxiously waits for Scarlett Johansson's arrival. A limo pulls up to the stand. Cut to Scarlett and her manager inside the limo]

Scarlett Johansson: [to her manager] Look, can I just roll down the window and shake his hand?

Manager: No, the contest specifies lunch.

Scarlett Johansson: [to her dismay] Crap in a hat.

[Scarlett and Gary are shown sitting at one of the tables at the stand. Scarlett looks very disinterested as Gary attempts to break the awkward silence between them]

Gary the Nerd: So, do you ever play "The Sims"? [spit flies out of Gary's mouth and lands in Scarlett's face, which she wipes off with a napkin] I made a Scarlett Johansson Sim and she lived in my house and sometimes we went in the hot tub together, [Scarlett face-palms out of annoyance] but I forgot to buy a fire extinguisher. So there was a grease fire in the kitchen and Scarlett died.

Scarlett Johansson: [in a bored and uninterested tone] Mm-hmm...

[Two armed men wearing black from top to bottom suddenly appear out of nowhere to hassle the couple]

Burglar 1: Give us all your money!

Gary the Nerd: [surprised] Ah! [jumps to his feet] Leave us alone, you hooligans! Hi-yah! [starts doing karate moves in front of the two burglars]

Burglar 1: He fights like a tiger!

Burglar 2: Let's get out of here! [they flee behind the food stand. Scarlett is awestruck at what she witnessed. Behind the stand, it turns out the burglars are Gary's friends who helped stage the scenario] That was so stellar!

Burglar 1: Gary's totally gonna score now!

[They attempt to high-five, but Burglar 1 misses and falls forward]

Scarlett Johansson: You..You saved me! You're my hero!

[Gary lets out a lovesick sigh. A montage begins to play. Scarlett and Gary are skipping hand and hand on the beach together. Then the two are seen playing out a scene in Star Trek. The scene cuts to a Star Trek themed marriage of Gary and Scarlett, with a Klingon acting as the minister]

Klingon: Do you take this be'hon to be your be'nal?

Gary the Nerd: Hi'lah!

[Both Gary and Scarlett kiss after the exchange of vowels. The montage continues with the arrival of their first child as well as the two fighting off a giant spider. The scene jumps to many years later, when Gary is on his deathbed with Scarlett at his side]

Gary the Nerd: Scarlett, my love...there's something I must tell you before I die.

Scarlett Johansson: What is it, my love?

Gary the Nerd: I staged the whole fight on our first date. I won your heart under false pretenses.

Scarlett Johansson: [gasps and then lets out a sigh of relief] Oh, thank god! I have something to tell you, too. I'm not really Scarlett Johansson! I was just a professional Scarlett Johansson impersonator! [clears her throat. Her voice changed into a man's voice] My real name is Raymond DeBonatello from Queens, New York.

Gary the Nerd: [gasps in shock as he looks at the camera] That explains why Scarlett Johansson had a...giant Johansson! [spasms for a second and dies. The EKG flatlines]

Raymond DeBonatello: [sobbing] Go in peace, my angel!

[A message appears at the bottom of the screen, reading: "For your Emmy consideration- Robot Chicken"]

Bone-Chiling Villain: Queen Beryl, I have failed to bring her Sailor Moon's life force!

Queen Beryl: You Fool! Your utter incompetence is dwarfed only by your sheer stupidity! EWW!!!

Bone-Chiling Villain: AUGH UH I-I'm sorry your majesty it's just...I kinda like it when you yell at me! I-It's Hot!! [gets zapped directly on his penis & falls down]

Queen Beryl: Soon I will have your life force, Sailor Moon, and my plan to rule the earth will come to fruition! [notices her erection] Anime sure is weird!

[We start with the "Bloopers!" title zooming up to us, and the Bloopers host comes into the shot to push it off-screen]

Bloopers Host: Is everyone ready for some hilarious home videos? [the audience laughs in approval] We here at Blooper Central ask you to send in your tapes so we can produce this show for almost nothing. We thought we'd seen nut shots and seniors fall down, [collapses as he says this] but these tragedies kicked it up a notch. BAM! [we cut to a hobo out on the street that pushes a cart of junk next to a railroad] Did I say, "BAM"? Let's hope for this guy's sake that I didn't!

[A jeep with four teenagers in it drives up to the hobo]

Girl in Front: What's that smell?

Driver: Just move it, punk!

Girl in Front: Is that some sort of a fart?

Driver: Out of the way, old man!

Boy in Back: Shave your head, damn it!

Boys: Go! Woohoo!

Boy in Back: Oh, we're going!

[The teenagers back up to run over the hobo, but suddenly, a train quickly pushes them and the car down the tracks, killing the teenagers in the process]

Hobo: Ha-ha-ha! That's what you get!

[But just as suddenly, a bus zooms by and run over him, also killing him. Then we cut back to the host]

Bloopers Host: Well, they say you can't solve a homeless problem. [the audience laughs some more] Some problems can't be solved by sticking your nose into where it doesn't belong! [walks closely to the camera as he says this, and we snap to another man that is trying to fix a lawnmower]

Wife: [filming him] Honey, be careful.

Man: Shut up!

Wife: Maybe a mechanic could fix it better?

Man: I can do it if you'd just shut up!

[A few seconds later, their daughter comes into view, crying]

Daughter: Mom, I'm pregnant!

Husband and Wife: [shocked] No!

[We cut back to the host]

Bloopers Host: Hey, she told me she was on the pill... [the audience laughs again] ...at eighteen. Hidden camera can yield cherished memories...or incriminating evidence. [pulls out a tissue from his jacket] The only ex-factor is you!

[The next scene is of Robot Chicken co-head writer Douglas Goldstein about to have sex with his wife, setting up a camera to film them]

Mrs. Goldstein: What are you doing, sweetie?

Doug: Oh, nothing, nothing. [walks onto the bed and removes the blanket, revealing Mrs. Goldstein's breasts] You're ready?

Mrs. Goldstein: Uh-huh.

Doug: [sighs in calmness and starts the sex, but suddenly gasps with pain in his private parts] Oh-Oh, God! Oh, I-I'm sorry!

Mrs. Goldstein: [shocked and furious] You [bleep]ing loser! [slaps him on his cheeks, gets out of bed, shakes him by his shoulders, and pushes him back down] You have failed me as a boyfriend and have failed yourself as a man, Robot Chicken co-head writer Douglas Goldstein!

[We cut back to the host again]

Bloopers Host: I'll bet you didn't see that coming; as a matter of fact, neither did she. [the audience laughs some more] This video was sent in by someone that found it in the woods. Let's watch!

[The next shot is of Michael C. Williams from "The Blair Witch Project" running through the basement from the same movie as Heather Donahue films him from behind]

Michael: Josh!

Heather: [totally panicking] Michael!

Michael: I'm coming, Josh!

[The camera dissolves to another part of the basement, where Michael continues to try and find Josh and Heather tries to catch up with him]

Heather: Wait for me! Michael! Michael, wait for me! Michael!

[The camera dissolves again to the end of the cave, where Heather starts to scream at the sight of Michael standing with his back turned to her. A few seconds later, she is stabbed in the back and falls over, dead. Then we cut back once more to the Bloopers host]

Bloopers Host: Rumor has that those kids were torn limb from limb. Sometimes, the best home videos can be taken away from home. [as he talks, a video plays of a motorcyclist that flies off of a cliff and drops into a flying helicopter's blades, killing him instantly, splattering his blood, and tearing his motorcycle apart. Then another video of some kids that ride spinning teacups at an amusement park plays; the boy in the red one looks more dizzy and sick as he swings by. He also covers his mouth to keep from vomiting] Just watch these crazy vacation videos!

[Finally, the boy in the red cup can't hold it in anymore and vomits onto the three adults that are watching the kids. After that, we see two scuba divers in a shark-proof cage under the ocean. The left diver lets out a huge fart with green gas and the right one, in response, tries to pry the cage open to get out. The left diver laughs at the reaction, and then we snap to a woman that pushes her baby in a carriage on the same cliff where the motorcyclist was. However, she also falls down on the same helicopter's blades, which splatter her blood and kill her instantly along with her baby. Next, a double-Decker bus drives under a bridge; people that stand on the roof get their heads chopped of by its height, and one takes a few seconds to come back down. Lastly, a man gets into another helicopter, tries to fly it off of the cliff, and drops it onto the other one, resulting in a big explosion and killing him instantly. Then we pop back to the Bloopers host one last time]

Bloopers Host: That's all the time we shave for this episode, so come back next week for more hilarious home videos!

[The audience claps in approval, and to close the episode, the host grabs a plastic bag and suffocates himself in it, making the audience laugh harder. Towards the end, he loses air in the bag and drops over, dead]

Nightmare Generator [1.16]

[The A-Team are about to take off in a helicopter]

B.A.: I ain't flyin', Hannibal! No way, no how!

Hannibal: That sounds perfectly reasonable B.A., now calm down and have some nice milk.

B.A.: [drinks glass of milk] Mmm, milk, Good for the bones, good for the kids. I pity the fool who ain't got no calcium in his diet!

[Murdock drops a huge TV on B.A.]

Faceman: Murdock, we drugged the milk! You didn't have to hit him over the head!

[Next scene, aboard the helicopter]

Murdock: Hey, you know years of drugged milk can lead to severe side effects like Severe lactose intolerance.

[The unconscious B.A. begins farting up a storm]

Faceman: Damn it, the windows won't roll down!

Hannibal: This is gonna be a long flight...

Operation: Rich In Spirit [1.17]

Daphne: Gosh, Freddy, are we really going to go all the way?

Fred: If one more person says something about my ascot, I'll-damn, it's fashionable!

Fred: I suggest we split up. Shaggy and Scooby, you check the campground. Velma, you check the woods. Daphne and I will check out the bunkhouse and have some of that nice mating until you get back.

Phyllis Diller: Mate? You? With her? But with that dickey, you couldn't even bag an old bag like me! [laughs]

Fred: [slaps her] It's an ascot, you old whore! An ascot!

Phyllis Diller: [punches Fred] Well, your "ascot" laid out by this old whore, dickey.

Shaggy: Man, I am one sad dog-food-eating hippie.

Velma: The virgin always lives the longest in these horror movies. Gosh, my life sucks!

Don Knotts: You think your life sucks? One of my apartment tenants might be a flaming homo! [audience laughs] And that ain't all-somebody killed me! [falls down dead with a knife in his back]

Velma: Now let's see who you really are. [unmaskes Jason] Old Man Phillips?! But why?

Phillips: Spanish doubloons in that lake! Thousands as far as the eye can see! It would have been all mine, if it weren't for you meddling kids!

Velma: A-a bunch of coins?! My friends are all dead! They're dead, and I'm still a virgin! A virgin!!

Phillips: Y'know...we can fix that.

The Sack/Adultizzle Swizzle [1.18]

Stix the Rabbit: Ooh! Stix cereal! I gotta have some!

Boy & Girl: Silly rabbit, Stix are for kids!

Stix the Rabbit: Just give me a little!

Girl: He touched me inappropriately!

[Stix gets sent to jail. In Jail, Stix rabbit meets Cookie Criminal]

Cookie Criminal: Couldn't lay off the sugar right?

Stix the Rabbit: [crying] But I can't help myself. My mother ate sugar when she was pregnant with me!

Cookie Criminal: You wanna control the sugar? Stop using and start selling. Here, hook this guy up when you're out.

Officer: Rabbit, you're out.

Stix the Rabbit: Really? But its only been an hour!

Officer: You in Alabama foo', an hour's all you get for touchin' a child

[Cut to a scene where a Guide and Stix Rabbit are going around in the jungle]

Toucan Sam: Selling's a dangerous business rabbit! Had to kill the Fruit Brute, Yummy Mummy, even the Cinnamonkey!

Stix the Rabbit: I can handle it...with stuff!

Toucan Sam: Well, just follow my snout. It's never in doubt.

Jungle Guide: [whispers to Stix] A snout that big, it should know more than Einstein. Heh! Heh!

Toucan Sam: KILL THAT MOTHER[bleep]!

[All the refugees around Toucan Sam shoot the guide rapidly. We then see a few chiefs made Sugar]

Stix the Rabbit: [referring to the cocaine] Wow! Do you have any idea how rich am I going to be selling this cocaine...SUGAR! [realized and telling the audience] I meant to say 'SUGAR'! Okay! [long pause] There!

[After Stix the rabbit uses sugar to get money wee see children eats suger instead for chocolate, a Bee is used as leverantor. The Stix Rabbit and the Leprechaun are sitting naked in the spa]

Leprechaun: I tell ya, the bleeding boys were followin' me around, and one little brasser says, "We're after your charms." And so I said, "Forget about me blue diamonds, and worry about me blue balls, ya whore!" Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Stix the Rabbit: Ha, ha, ha. Oh, yeah. I never have any idea what you're saying.

[Stix Rabbit's assistant steps into the scene]

Assistant: [whispering in Rabbit's ear] Bad news, boss: the Rice Boys are talking to the cops.

Stix the Rabbit: [standing up with his censored tube out] Men are always talking!

[Scene cuts to the Rice Boys sitting down and talking to the police officer in a dark room]

Crackle: Okay, okay, I'll crack!

Snap: I'll crinkle!

Pop: I'll plop!

Crackle: The Stix Rabbit made us sell the stuff!

Officer: Uh...we only brought you in 'cuz someone turned in your wallet.

[Officer holds up wallet. All the Rice Boys look nervous]

Pop: Heh...Must-Must've lost it.

[Scene Cuts to Tony the Tiger and Capitan Crunch shooting the police]

Tony The Tiger: Use the hollow-point bullets. They're G-r-r-r-roovy!

Capn' Crunch: Their bones will stay crunchy even when it's soaked in blood! Ha ha!

[Then the cops first kill the two assistants, then Captain Crunch, Then the police kill Tony the Tiger, who is falling down]

Stix the Rabbit: Don´t Shoot! I give up!

Policeman 1: He is giving up! Shoot him!

[Policemen start shooting on him, and Stix Rabbit is soon in heaven]

Stix the Rabbit: [sees a Box of Stix Cereal] Yes! Finally!

Angel: [appears] Silly rabbit, Stix are for kids!

Stix Rabbit: Noooooooooo!

That Hurts Me [1.19]

Devil: [to three guys in lava pool] That'll teach you to vote for Nader! [all of the sudden, hell freezes over] What the hell?!

[In a bedroom...]

Nerd: [in a singsong voice] I got laid! I got laid! I got laid!

Hot girl: What can I say? Nerds are hot.

Nerd: [still singing] Gettin' on a message board, gonna tell the internet! Laid! Laid! Laid! L-a-y-e-d! Laid! Laid! Laid! Laid! [hangs from the ceiling] Laid! Laid! Laid! Laid!

Hot girl:: Mmm, hot.

[Two movie producers Dean Delvin and Roland Emmerich are both relaxing on the cruise]

Roland Emmerich: You know, movie producer Dean Devlin, I always felt bad about screwing millions of moviegoers out of their hard-earned money with that steaming pile of crap we made called Godzilla.

Dean Delvin: I know, Roland Emmerich. We should totally remake it.

Roland Emmerich: A remake of a remake?

Dean Delvin and Roland Emmerich: Brilliant! [high-five]

[We cut to the remake of the remake Godzilla (1998) where Dr. Nick Tatopoulos discovered the giant eggs at Madison Square Garden, which they were about to hatch into baby mutant Godzillas]

Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: The eggs, they're hatching! Run! Run! [they came out of the eggs and chase him down] Aah! [knocks down the gumball machine and released the gumballs which made the mini Godzillas slip and fall down] Whew. [gasps]

[More of them coming, wearing roller blades. They followed Nick to the roller-skating rink and rolled around Nick. Then scene changes when the mini Godzillas dance to the 1970's disco music while rolling on blades. Nick dances to the music as well before the movie is paused]

Sonny CEO: We gave you jerks $150 million dollars to remake Godzilla, and you gave us a steaming pile of crap! Again!

Dean Delvin and Roland Emmerich: [look at each other, and jump while giving each other high-fives] Yes!

Freddy Krueger: If Ghostface got voted out, take it from Freddy, that would be a dream come true. Ha ha ha ha! You get it? Ha ha ha ha! A dream! Ha ha ha ha! I kill people in their nightmares. That is what I do, that's my thing.

Freddy Kreuger: Fighting boredom is the hardest part of living in the Big Brother house. [Jason Voorhes playing charades, mimes TV, a robot, and a chicken] In case you were wondering, the answer was The Da Vinci Code.

Doug: I hope I land on Keira Knightley's underwear!

Budda: [sighs] Everyone wishes for that.

[Later]

Doug: [to Keira Knightley] I was almost your underwear, ya know.

Timmy: [when kid 2 gets done raking leaves, he jumps into the pile] Ha, ha! Jerkbutts! [hits a hidden fire hydrant]

Kid 2: I got you, Timmy!

Timmy: I...can't feel my arms and legs.

The Black Cherry [1.20]

Britney Spears: You can have my black cherry Justin...Ow, my butt!

Announcer: Blackula versus Blackenstein Versus the Black Mummy will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you the following program.

["You Can't Do That On Robot Chicken!" parodies the Canadian Comedy show "You Can't Do That On Television!". Scene changes to colorful lockers]

Seth Green: [pops out of the locker] Hey, Sarah.

Sarah Michelle Gellar: [pops out of another locker] Yeah, Seth?

Seth Green: Hey, did I ever tell you about my cousin? She eats nothing but pancakes.

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Wow. Is she overweight?

Seth Green: Are you kidding? She's stacked!

[The audience laugh as Seth and Sarah popped back inside the lockers. Then the Mad Scientist and Robot Chicken popped out of the lockers, and held up signs. The Mad Scientist's sign says "Hey, Robot Chicken!". Robot Chicken's sign says "Bawk?" as in "What?". The Mad Scientist's other sign says "Why did the chicken cross the road?". Robot Chicken's sign still says "Bawk?" as in "I don't know.". Then the Mad Scientist's last sign says "To die in the name of science!", before grabbing the chainsaw and chases after Robot Chicken out of the lockers as the audience laugh]

Chinese Restaurant Guy: [pops out of another locker] Hey, Breckin Meyer!

Breckin Meyer: [pops out of another locker] Yeah, Chinese restaurant guy?

Chinese Restaurant Guy: Yeah, yeah. You ever see a cat-gopher?

Breckin Meyer: Cat-gopher? What's a cat-gopher?

Chinese Restaurant Guy: Cat go for $6.00 if I put enough MSG on it. [pops back inside the locker]

[The audience laugh]

Breckin Meyer: Ha ha! Seriously, is this the only part of the sketch I'm in? [steps out of the locker] I just spent an hour and fifteen minutes in traffic getting here. Granted, it's in a Benz, but this is horse[bleep]! Oh, [bleep] you! You know what? I'm going home, okay? You can kiss my ass. [leaves] I was in Garfield, mother[bleep]!

[We cut to the firing squad sketch where the Bloopers Host is chained up by El Capitano]

El Capitano: Soon you will be free.

Bloopers Host: Blue skies! Barthy burgers! Girls!

El Capitano: I meant soon you will be free to watch our movies on demand service.

Bloopers Host: That's still pretty good.

El Capitano: Unfortunately, the only movie we have on demand is Christmas with the Kranks.

Bloopers Host: Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[We cut to Barth's Burgers sketch where Barth gave Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis plates of ugly, disgusting burgers]

Mila Kunis: Mac, you know I'm a vegetarian.

Macaulay Culkin: Mila, this is Barth's. The only real meat here is in the cockroaches.

Barth: I heard that! [squashed the cockroach flat]

[Mila threw up, followed by Macaulay, and finally Barth. Then the dog licks vomit]

Macaulay Culkin: Now, that's comedy.

[We cut to Seth Green in front of the orange round couch]

Seth Green: Please welcome our special guest tonight, Vice President of Adult Swim, Keith Crofford.

Keith Crofford: [walks over and shake Seth's hand] Thanks, Seth. [sits down along with Seth] I just wanted to say that y'all are doing a really good job on Robot Chicken.

Seth Green: That's great! So, when are we getting renewed for another season?

Keith Crofford: Uh, I don't know. [now showered with green slime. The studio audience laughs. Crofford stands up, wiping slime from his eyes] Hahaha. You're cancelled.

[Seth is shocked and stares angrily at the camera]